Diplomacy
Saturday morning I woke up with a clogged milk duct in my right boob (sorry, Dad!) and spent almost the entire day hugging a damp heating pad to try and relieve the pain, hoping the situation wouldn't turn worse and jump over into a case of mastitis. I once had a single friend ask me first, whoa whoa whoa, that can happen? And then two, can you please lie and tell me it doesn't hurt? Because she wanted to go on thinking that babies were cute.
Oh, no, it doesn't hurt. IT'S PARALYZING. And depending on where the duct is and just how clogged it has become, you can lose your eyesight! Not really, but almost! I've had worse clogged ducts than the one on Saturday, but that one was bad enough that my entire underarm was on fire and I wasn't letting Jon look at that side of my body. I'd feel him glancing and I'd shove my hand into his face and go, STOP, DON'T, if you look at that boob it will explode. And then he'd have to explain to his mother that I was in the hospital because he couldn't stop ogling me. AWKWARD.
Marlo and I worked as a team and got things cleared up by that evening, enough that I was comfortable driving out to my mother's house to have dinner with them and my brother's family. Which included his youngest child, eighteen-month-old Adam, a human wrecking ball, a kid who routinely walks around looking for things to destroy. You may be thinking, Heather, does your brother know you're talking about his son this way? Whereas my brother is going TELL THEM, HEATHER! TELL THEM! Maybe then someone will listen and understand why he's rocking back and forth in a corner.
You guys, I've never seen a kid like this, and I didn't believe it when my mom mentioned it to me, that Adam was capable of such destructive behavior. But then I witnessed it in my own house once, watched as he silently scouted out the room for the most delicate object within reach, and then he walked over, picked up a bird figurine AND SMASHED IT! Like an angry, towering monster! WHILE LOOKING DIRECTLY AT ME. Not a big deal, I have more than enough bird figurines, I am That Bird Figurine Lady, but DUDE WAS INTENSE! Like that bird figurine and I had wronged him in some way! And I was all, is he okay? And my brother just shook his head and said that the only reason he hasn't taken up drinking is because he still hopes to make it into heaven and there is a slight possibility that the Lord won't let Adam in.
And things were going fine Saturday night, I saw him wandering around picking things up and throwing them and then looking around to see if there was an audience. Nothing unusual. Until his mother sat down next to me and started cooing at Marlo. You can probably see where this is going, but I guess we were all too mesmerized by The Dimples to act fast enough, and next thing you know Adam has run over, is acting very nice about the baby, is even attempting to kiss her on the cheek, and then he looks at me, turns his head and looks at his mother, and then he whacks Marlo upside the head. Like, BITCH STOLE MY ATTENTION!
(Please imagine that being said through gritted teeth with a tiny bit of a Southern accent. Because that's what I'm doing.)
Marlo was fairly calm, a tad startled, but mainly her reaction was to turn her head toward the culprit with a huge grin. Like, excuse me, but I don't think you've seen my dimples! Disciplinary action was taken, but I loved how Marlo handled the whole thing. Like, you seem to be upset! How about we take a break from that and look at how cute I am!
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FM Living
Anonymous said:
First! Always wanted to say that.
09.28.09 - 02:03 PM / 1Anonymous said:
almost first.
i would have whacked him heather. how did you feel?
09.28.09 - 02:06 PM / 2Kathryn said:
seems to me that are a few people who might be able to take a lesson from that
09.28.09 - 02:08 PM / 3Daddy Scratches said:
Was your brother thankful that you didn't take his son's life? Or maybe disappointed?
09.28.09 - 02:08 PM / 4Anonymous said:
Yeah, I would have had to knock the crap out of that kid for busting my bird figurine. If I had bird figurines, of course. I think my grandmother used to have bird figurines. Back in the day when bird figurines were cool.
09.28.09 - 02:08 PM / 5Mrs. Sitcom said:
Man, I thought I was going to be first. I'll settle for third. Dude...clogged milk ducts and mastitis and stitches *down there*...no wonder nobody talks about this stuff... no one would want to have kids :) :( :) Thanks for being honest! Glad it cleared up in time for Marlo's first cage fight. Sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders!
09.28.09 - 02:08 PM / 6ChrisV said:
Whew, I thought you were going to say he picked her up and hurled her to the ground. Not that whacking is better, but oy,
09.28.09 - 02:08 PM / 7Britta said:
My almost 3yr old has given her 6mo old sister a few "hugs" that seemed a little too forceful - like, "hmmm...if I pretend to be loving her, maybe I can smother her and no one will notice." This happened after I assured her that Sophie was not going back to the hospital - she lived with us now.
09.28.09 - 02:09 PM / 8Jodie said:
OMG. I thought my little guy was trouble...
I hope your boob feels better, I was just "there" last week and it freaking hurt to BREATHE. Ugh
09.28.09 - 02:10 PM / 9Anonymous said:
Yeah, some kids are just terrors!!
I'm not sure what's going on, and I'm VERY confused by your Twitter feed - are you goign to update us on the seemingly intense WAR going on via twitter?? I'm so confused!!!
09.28.09 - 02:10 PM / 10Meg said:
It's amazing to me that kids know exactly what to break. It never fails. AND they look you right in the eye while doing it.
I think that kid might have a future in the UFC!
09.28.09 - 02:11 PM / 11workroom said:
Sounds like that kid needs a trip to Ceasar for some crate training... do they walk it enough?
ssssshhhhhhttt!!!11!1
09.28.09 - 02:11 PM / 12Cindi said:
I'm in love with that picture of Marlo today. One of these days, when you don't have a million other things going on, or people spewing crap at you....would you do another photoshop tutorial? I still reference the lovely glow from time to time - and would love to see how you process these days.
09.28.09 - 02:13 PM / 13Chicagomari said:
Holy crap, I read that thinking Adam was 18 years old and wondering what was wrong with him and why everyone let him get away with it!
09.28.09 - 02:13 PM / 14Krista said:
Sounds like a case for The Dog Wisperer. Can't you just see him, walking next to Adam, doing his, cccha, ccccha next to him. Forget about Coco, Adam needs him far worse.
09.28.09 - 02:13 PM / 15TamiA said:
I have a 3 year old boy. We no longer are accepted in Heaven. We have even been banned from Purgatory. Forget about the Spirit World.
P.S. Boys are a terror.
09.28.09 - 02:14 PM / 16Ilyssa said:
Oh my GOD. I would have smacked ADAM upside the head. I can't believe that...
Haha, anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better from the terror of the clogged boob ;)
09.28.09 - 02:15 PM / 17The Blushing Hostess said:
Perfect agony, I have been there and I am sorry it happened. My Daughters have the same effect on us, and I always glad.
09.28.09 - 02:15 PM / 18Teresa said:
Before I forget, I would also liked to be updated on the war on Twitter.
Anyway, my cousin has a son like this. He's 15 but he still scares the crap out of me. When he was little he would come over looking all cute and innocent and act like he wanted to hug you and then punch you as hard as he could in your back or your gut. Other times he'd lay into you with his cowboy boots, steel toed cowboy boots, right in the shin. Fun times.
He also liked to destroy toys that belonged to other children. For that reason I never invited them to anything at my house. Even though he's 15 he still managed to wreck our playset last summer. He probably weighs close to 250 pounds and decided to stand on the arm of our playset, no one said a word to him. We've since had to purchase another one because obviously, he broke it. Wonderful.
09.28.09 - 02:16 PM / 19CourtneyD said:
... Wow. Good for Marlo- Any interest in shipping off overseas for peace talks? I am almost convinced that Those Dimples could be the key to world peace... and at the rate she seems to be growing, perhaps also world hunger?!?!
09.28.09 - 02:16 PM / 20Christine said:
I give you props for not smacking that child back! It's not that I condone child abuse or anything like that but my 14 month old son came home from daycare the other day with full set of teeth imprints on his little chubby arm from where some brute bit him and I wanted to bite the kid back myself! It hurts me to see him hurt!
Marlo is adorable with her super dimples and I hope she continues to take the "blows" that life hands her as well as she did this time around!
09.28.09 - 02:17 PM / 21Cas said:
Ahh boys (*sighs*) they truly are a different breed! I didn't sit down much between 18m and 2 1/2, but he is totally gorgeous (and easy) now at 5. Still glad I had him before my daughter though...
09.28.09 - 02:17 PM / 22Sue said:
Oh great. Now you're gonna upset the crazy bird ladies of the world AND some crazy support group for people with some weird attention-sucking disorder. Is there nobody you won't offend in the name of child expoitation? Geesh.
09.28.09 - 02:18 PM / 23Sera @ Laughing Through the Chaos said:
I love her reaction - that's just classic!
And holy moly, woman - there is NO pain like a clogged milk duct. I'd almost rather give birth again. I eventually quit nursing because of chronic clogged ducts.
Hope they get better soon - so sorry!!!
09.28.09 - 02:19 PM / 24Melissa S said:
I have two boys...5 year old and a 9 month old...they are both evil...
09.28.09 - 02:19 PM / 25rbiggs said:
Isn't it amazing how different siblings can be? I'm not only referring to you and your brother, but Leta and Marlo.
09.28.09 - 02:20 PM / 26Callista said:
My younger cousin had a big red spot on the tip of her nose for the first 6 mos of her life, that was so permanent that we thought it was a birthmark. Not the case. My aunt discovered one morning that every time her 4 year-old brother would walk by he would flick her IN THE NOSE! you never know with toddler terrors...
09.28.09 - 02:20 PM / 27Anonymous said:
seriously, i think i would have hung that little boy by his ankles from the next best tree. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT!? its not acceptable, it can't be allowed to progress.... but well, killing a child is not ok either. aren't any of you fellow readers psychologists!? are some kids just evil, and others (like dear marlo) pure unicorn-y goodness??
09.28.09 - 02:21 PM / 28Kristen said:
I've got my very own destructo-boy. You can tell your brother there is hope. Mine is three and a half now, and he still destroys things just for the heck of it (not to take them apart or see how they work, just to break them) BUT the hitting stopped before he turned two. In other areas of his personality, he's sweet, cuddly, and very very smart, but damn, he just loves destroying things. It doesn't even bother him to have his broken toys thrown away. I'm hoping... I'm hoping it stops. But I've gotten used to it :/
09.28.09 - 02:22 PM / 29Helen said:
My precious grandson is a little like Adam, he gives me loves and strokes my face until I believe he loves me and then he WHACKS me into next week. He is 15 months. HE also loves to destroy laptops, he is wise enough to look at his Papa's computer with his hands behind his back and says " ooooh" and the minute Papa leaves the room, he punches that screen with a joyful guffaw.
I suspect Marlo looked at Adam so as to imprint his visage into her memory, the moment she can walk, she'll get him back, whilst smiling and showing dimples and everyone will call Adam a big old mean liar for even suggesting that Marlo with the dimples could ever pinch him hard while no one was looking, Girls are smart like that.
09.28.09 - 02:22 PM / 30