Twenty-six
Yesterday was my 34th birthday, and I spent it much like we've been spending all of our days in the last five weeks, stumbling around in a sleep-derived haze of who are you? Where am I? What's my name again? I mean, we've sort of got a rhythm going, one where the drummer and guitarist are playing two different songs, and the lead singer is just making up words as it goes along, and the sound is just awful but we're calling it "art."
Marlo is being fairly cooperative in the sense that she's sleeping through the night, meaning she wakes up to eat a couple of times and goes right back to sleep after a few minutes on the boob. I know that casually saying the phrase "on the boob" may be insensitive to a certain fraction of my readers who would rather not have to hear about such details concerning life with a newborn, so to make up for that I won't tell you about how a chunk of her neon yellow poop squirted out of her diaper onto my shirt this morning, and instead of jumping up to clean up the mess I sort of sat there admiring the shape and texture of it, wondering aloud if it was a raisin? Maybe a kernel of corn?
So you'd think we'd be getting a fair amount of sleep, except she is such a loud sleeper, just like Leta was. She grunts and moans and growls, so half the time we don't know if she's awake and upset or if she's having a nightmare about that one time she came shooting out of a vagina. I mean loud. Really loud. Like we're sleeping with our heads right next to a dryer that's rolling around a pair of tennis shoes, a wad of coins, and a hammer.
Anyway, my birthday. Right. That's where I was going with this. I got an early birthday present last week when it was announced that I was among the 30 honorees on the Forbes list of "The Most Influential Women In Media" for 2009. Um. Yeah. So. Soooooo. Let's just twirl this around in our brains for a second so that you can see why BATSHIT INSANE was my first coherent response to such news.
You've got Oprah Winfrey at the top of the list, and then it goes on to Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters, and others like Ann Curry and Katie Couric and Martha Stewart and Lesley Stahl, and everything is fine until you get to number twenty-six, Heather B. Armstrong, and it's like the list suddenly falls off the edge of the earth. Heather who? Heather what? Who is this woman? And I can just imagine the usual buttoned-up, proper reader of Forbes wandering over here, reading a couple of lines and thinking HAS FORBES LOST ITS MIND. And my every inclination is to post my father's phone number right here so that they can call him and commiserate.
My mother, obviously, was over the moon when I told her the news, but my dad's first response was, "Is Ann Coulter on the list? Where are the conservatives?!" and I had to spend the next hour convincing him that the list wasn't some vast liberal conspiracy. Meaning it was exactly like every single phone call I've ever had with him. HA! HA! I'm only kidding. A little bit. Related: Marlo looks just like my father, and the other morning she was making this really angry face, and Jon looked at her and goes, "What's wrong, Mike Hamilton? Are you still upset about Obama?"
So, yeah. I'm number 26. Twenty-six. Which of course blows my mind, and for a few days in my sleep-dreived haze I would look at Jon every few minutes and go twenty-six? For real? And then we'd high-five each other and go, "Twenty-six!" I mean, ridiculous. That's exactly what it is. Absurd. But that did not stop me from reminding Marlo about it every time I changed her diaper. I was all, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, KID? YOU'VE GOT NUMBER TWENTY-SIX WIPING YOUR BUTT.
Yesterday morning I was still kind of high on the news of it, that combined with the fact that it was my birthday, so I woke up in a really great mood. Marlo slept in a little later than usual, and Leta played quietly by herself in her room until she heard us rousing. We all four then spent the next half hour in bed making faces and singing and tickling and living a page right out of Good Housekeeping, and right before we all skipped merrily upstairs to have breakfast I hopped over to let Coco out of her crate. Only to be hit in the face with a smell so nauseating that I fell over dead. I died. There was a funeral and elaborate floral displays and my mother threw herself over my casket and yelled, "Twenty-sixxxxxxxx!"
As Coco stepped out of her crate I suddenly realized that she had urinated all over herself, I guess while she was sleeping because she never whined to be let out of the crate LIKE A NORMAL DOG WOULD HAVE. Like a normal dog with a brain. And it's not just a little bit of urine, it's like Niagra Falls in that crate, and she is covered head to toe in it. I catch her a little too late, meaning I'm standing there debating over whether or not I care about what it would mean to grab an animal soaked in its own bladder juices or do I mind what those bladder juices are doing to the BRAND NEW CARPET on the floor, and oops, there are fifteen footprints that will remind me forever that once you adopt a Miniature Australian Shepherd you shorten your life by, oh, a good twenty years. Oh, right. I'm already dead. Because of her.
Jon swoops in, grabs her up off the BRAND NEW CARPET, have I mentioned that part? BRAND NEW. It could not be newer, it is so new, the newness is the newest of all new, The Mayor of New, and he runs to the back door, sets her down to open that door, and then realizes his fatal error. Because Coco then seizes that opportunity to shake the piss off of her body. All over the floor, the walls, the ceiling, and of course all over Jon's body. It was like a Jackson Pollock canvas in that back hallway. If you could have seen it you would have marveled at the color, the scheme, the abstract way the piss splattered and flung through the air. A masterpiece, I tell you.
For the next hour I chased that dog around the backyard in an attempt to douse her with the hose, an instrument she loathes as it contains water — and I don't know what happened to her in a previous life, maybe water stole her car or called her names or punched her in the face, but Coco reacts to water like someone would react to an intruder with a knife — and since I hadn't had a chance to put on any clothes, there I am, number twenty-six, an Influential Woman in Media, running madly around my backyard after a dog with no brain, wearing nothing but my panties and a t-shirt covered in milk stains and dog piss. On my birthday.
I'm not going to lie, I stopped several times, hose in one hand, the other hand pointing proudly to the giant milk stain underneath my left boob, and yelled, "Twenty-six, bitches!"
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
601. Robyn said:
Congratulations on being #26! And Happy Birthday too! I look forward to reading your blog daily...you always make me laugh out loud!
602. Eleanor's Trousers said:
Happy 26! And 34! And oh my god, I am so old... I am 32 with no dogs, no husband, no babies, no house, and no Forbes magazine honorific. I will be drinking bourbon in honor of your birthday and this sudden, mortifying, public display of self-pity.
603. courtney said:
Funniest post I've read, yet. Tears in the eyes and trying to keep the giggles down at work.
Congrats, #26.
604. Eric Penne said:
If that was my wife chasing the dog in the yard like that, I still would've been saying, "Damn, that #26 is sexy."
605. Anonymous said:
Yay on #26, and I'm SOOOOOOO happy you beat Maria Bartiromo!
606. The Dalai Mama said:
Congrats--#26. Happy Birthday and at least you weren't showing your bare ass this time in the freezing cold. Coco certainly makes me appreciate my dogs more and more each day.
Thank you so much for the laugh.
607. Gabrielle said:
I was secretly delighted by the fact that you outranked Soledad on the list. Although now I'm wondering whether you've recruiting your own retinue of "dancing leprechauns and fairies." (Which won't surprise me, personally. However, if I ever found out that you'd stopped taking shits, I might question whether the earth was about to fall off its axis. The idea of an Armstrong household devoid of bodily functions just doesn't seem right.)
608. Christine Randle said:
truly hilarious!!
609. Rachel D. said:
Holy crap...that's incredible.
Congratulations, Twenty-Six!
610. Anonymous said:
You're number one in my book. My co-worker (who is pregnant) and myself (mother of 10 month old) LOVE to read your blog and just read and laugh together. We look forward to you more than any of the names before you. Thank you!
611. Michelle said:
Happy Birthday and go 26! You rock!
612. kat said:
the last paragraph is hilarious! oh my god!
613. Carlotta said:
That was awesome; #26 + birthday + hilarious post. I totally enjoy your blog. Just discovered it so I'm way behind everyone else. My only regret is that your previous masthead wasn't still up for all for Forbes folks. Dang, that one was priceless.
614. Chris A. said:
Congratulations! That's fantastic and so deserved because you keep it real, woman!
Hope your birthday improved after the episode with Coco - I can so relate!
615. teaworthy said:
26 kinds of perfect, that essay.
Happy Birthday.
616. Tami said:
You are #26 and fabulous. that was great!
617. Molly said:
HAAHahahahahahahahahahahah ahahaha ahahahahaha haHAHAHA h a ahahdslkfaksjd dj ;lkc!!!!. . Ahem.
618. Luisa F. Toledo said:
Happy B-Day, Congratulations and Yuck!, all at the same time... At least it´s a birthday you will never forget.
If you want those years of your life back, get rid of the dog and get a cat instead. ;)
619. Annie said:
I love you! You crack me up. Your humility and raw sense of humor are just wonderful. I look forward to each post with such glee. Thanks, Heather, and congrats!
620. SLC Gal said:
Sprayed my laptop screen with lukewarm tea. Thanks, Heather. Oh, and Happy Birthday!
P.S. Had to type "refill unstintingly" to make this comment, so off to the dictionary to look up "unstintingly" and get edumacated.
621. Kristin aka Krisco said:
Congratulations! That is great! And happy birthday, too!
622. Anonymous said:
In your face haters! #26 just confirmed what we have ALWAYS known.
Congratulations on Marlo and #26, oh, and happy birthday, Heather!
623. Sonnet said:
You have bested the Money Honey.
Does this make you the Meltdown Honey?
624. Laurel said:
Twenty-six IS impressive, but my novel is ranked 230,547 on Amazon.com. Granted, yours is at 4,358 and a NYT bestseller, but I'll take my rankings where I can get them!
625. Erica said:
Do you actually read every single comment?
626. Emma Leigh said:
SWEET NEWS!!! Congrats to you !
627. Rachael Rossman said:
Congratulations! I can verify from personal experience that you are most influential. When you posted my painting of Chuck, my web traffic went from 20 to 5,000/day; I received emails from lots of friendly people and sold a bunch of paintings. (Thanks again, by the way!)
Conversely, when a painting of mine appeared on another Influential Woman's site, all I got were a couple messages from people emailing IN THEIR DOG'S VOICE.
Cheers.
628. Kristin aka Krisco said:
I love it that you beat 4 others! You not only made the list, you made it INTO the list. That's pretty dang good. I will take credit as being one of your 300,000 hits a month. Without us, what would you do? : )
629. tracy said:
I heart you! Seriously, your story telling abilities are the BEST.
I totally look in Ellis' diapers to check out its contents, too. What is that? A hunk of soy bean? A raisin? And my favorite: WHAT DID YOUR GRANDMOTHER FEED YOU TODAY?
Congratulations #26!
630. Jolie said:
happy belated birthday! And congrats on the fab news! (the 26 bit. The dog pee, not so much. Then again, my 3yo twins and I have been perfecting projectile vomit techniques the last day or so, so leaking milk, handling pee and playing with hoses sounds fun right now!)
Congrats again - well deserved!
signed humbly, # eleventy billion and four.
631. Dan said:
Congratulations! What a birthday gift!
632. kranky reader said:
Marvelous piece of writing!
633. Laralee said:
Hey Heather
Funny blog! I am at school, and people are staring at me b/c I am laughing so hard, but I don't care b/c it was funny! Congrats on being #26!! Thats awsome! Happy Birthday as well! Even though it was covered in dog pee, and whatever Marlo decided to throw at you, I hope it was a great day nonetheless. What am I saying, of course it was a great day...#26 bitches!! haha
634. hummingbirdindy said:
I'm so glad I work from home, because me rolling around on the floor gasping for breath, laughing myself into a slight convulsive fit from reading your birthday post was not a pretty site and not suitable for work by any means.
635. Anonymous said:
"...she's having a nightmare about that one time she came shooting out of a vagina."
I put my head on my desk and laughed so hard I cried. I thought I'd never laugh so hard. Until I read the rest of the post.
Congratulations, babe.
636. Anonymous said:
Pleeeeeaaaaassseeee!!! Write the second half of the birth story! Your first entry was so awesome and kick-ass. And for pregnant women who are nearing delivery, your words on childbirth are so helpful! :)
PS, Happy Birthday!!!
637. jenny said:
As a pet owner, I know exactly how you feel. Congrats on being 26 and on your birthday! You made me laugh out loud.
638. Mrs. Kennedy said:
I like the way sleep deprivation has lowered your barriers, Heather. Not that you had that many to begin with. Love you.
639. MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said:
I thought Forbes was dead, the man and the magazine. But, hey, congratulations on being the 26th most-influential woman in media. That's actually very awesome. I will have to start paying more attention to what you're doing now, so that I can pattern my life after yours, minus the piss and shit on my shirt, of course, because I have to set my own style and it doesn't include wearing pee or poop.
640. Meredith said:
Last March, when my husband and I went to sleep the night before my birthday, we put our dog on the bed between us, his head resting between ours (yeah, we don't have kids yet, so we're still in the "dog is our baby" phase of life). At approximately 1 AM on the morning of my 26th Birthday, an odd, repetitive slurping noise infiltrated my dreams and woke me up. It took me a several seconds to fully wake enough to figure out 1) that the noise was not just part of my dream and 2) where it was coming from. As I turned my head in the direction of the noise (the center of the bed), I noticed that it was my dog, obsessively licking what looked like his paw. Now my dog is a little obsessive about licking his paws, so at first, I didn't think it was terribly odd. But then I realized that it was odd, because it was the middle of the night and he should be sleeping. Plus, the licking was a little more slurpy-sounding than normal. And that's when it hit me: that right next to my head, so close that I would have placed my face in it had I rolled over onto my left side that night, was where my dog had vomited in the bed, and that he was, right then, trying to hide the evidence by eating it. I don't think I've ever seen my husband jump out of bed as fast as he did that night when he woke up to me screaming at the top of my lungs, "VOMIT IN THE BED! NO, DON'T ROLL OVER! UGH!"
How's that for a birthday present from your dog?
Happy Birthday
641. Joy Bristol said:
A well deserved congratulations and a very happy birthday to you!
And thanks for making me pee in my pants, just a little.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
642. Heath said:
Congratulations- though I can't say I'm surprised!! :OP And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
643. gina said:
Congratulations on making the Forbes list ! That is very exciting ! Do you get to go to some big fancy dinner now? H*ll there were some days when my kids were tiny that I considered getting to go to McDonald's as a major accomplishment.
http://a-slapintheface.blogspot.com/
644. Taylor said:
OMG Heather this might be one of the funniest posts you've written in a while. I can't even take it!
Agreed with someone up there - this is why you're #26. Brilliant writing!!
645. mn said:
Congrats. You know who should be losing her feathers right about now !! I say good for you and your family.
646. Tam said:
Only someone who has Aussies can feel your pain. And sister, I feel your pain! Go Twenty-six!! Go!
647. christina said:
you are so awesome. on so many levels.
648. Peggy said:
Oh My Goodness! You are so damn funny! I love ya number 26!
649. CreatureofHabit said:
Congratulations!
Happy Birthday!
Marlo is a doll!
Coco is a nutter, but she is a doll too! .... how long was she in the crate? And she may hate to be sprayed with water, but clearly she has no trouble drinking it. What's wrong with her? Tell us more...
650. CreatureofHabit said:
ps.
While Coco is a nutter, she's nowhere near as bat shit crazy as Coulter. Please tell me no one actually takes that woman seriously.... please.
651. Michelle said:
Congratualations on number 26 and your birthday. Nothing like a dog and a baby to bring reality right on home!!!
652. Calamity Jill said:
You leave no room for question as to why you are considered influential. If there's a working cell left in the fried brain of a mother/dog owner after this episode, then there's hope for us all, praise the baby Jesus for he has shown us light. Through Coco's pee.
653. Anonymous said:
I don't think it's normal for any animal to pee on itself while it's sleeping -- no matter how crazy it is. Please take CoCo to the vet and get her checked out.
654. Sabrina said:
First off, this is my first Dooce experience; my best bud just sent me the link. I'm sure she did so knowing that I would become hysterical with laughter while reading about your backyard experience. This image of a half dressed woman running around the back yard in the early morning hours yelling after their young and wild Aussie is all too familiar!! This would be an almost daily occurance in my own back yard. My latest fun-filled chase occurred at dusk the other evening; I happened to become distracted and didn't notice my 6 month old Aussie pup rolling in a pile of her fresh shit. Now this would be a first time experience for the both of us, one I hope to not have to repeat. After the 15 minute circus event of her hopping and jumping and running figure eights and barking at me like I was some kind if bovine that was to be hearded while I yelled obscenities and took failed attempts to grab her (this is very entertaining for my neighbors to watch from their windows. I wave and smile and damn them through gritted teeth often). I did eventually catch her, and when I got that hose out to scrub the now crusty shit out if her fur, you would have thought that i had morphed into Jason with a chainsaw... which I may very well have. I LOVE her, truly I do!! It is nice to know that I am not the only owner of an insane Aussie!
Congrats on the babe, your new year, and your achievements!!
I will continue to visit your blog, but I promise not to be so long winded with any future comments!
655. Lauren said:
You are the greatest! That post was hilarious. Congrats on #26!
656. Terry said:
I am having a shitty morning at work, so I decided to take a moment to come here for a little mental break, and am now laughing out loud.
Thank you, Heather. Happy (?) Birthday, and congrats on the Forbes honor.
657. Jennie said:
Congrats, Heather! You're an inspiration to the world!
658. Alice Q. Foodie said:
First off - CONGRATULATIONS TWENTY SIX!!!!
Secondly - If the pee problem has happened before, or if it happens again - look into putting Coco on Proin. There are so many similarities between Coco and our dog Lola I can't even tell you, so it wouldn't be surprising if this was yet another one. Lola started just randomly leaking urine when sitting or laying down - she'd get up and there would just be a puddle. So we took her to the vet and discovered that this apparently is not all that uncommon in female dogs. The Proin does the trick - and it's just a once a day chewable. It's the same stuff as Sudafed - weirdly enough. Also. Petzyme. AWESOME stuff.
659. Megan said:
2 words- freakng. hilarious.
660. Steph W. said:
#26 biatches!!!!!
hells yeah Heather! congrats and a happy belated birthday. My dog is also too retarded sometimes to let us know when she need's out...after 2 years you'd think they'd learn. I feeeeeel your pain, although i dont have a herding dog just a hyper ass pit. =) maybe you win. heh heh.
661. Becky said:
I laughed so hard at the image of you running around outside, in a t-shirt and underwear chasing a pee-soaked dog and shouting 26. Thanks for the laugh!
And congrats on #26!!!
662. Angela said:
Congrats on being 26th! Happy 34th Birthday!
Thanks for me making me laugh out loud today!
663. Steph McHinch said:
This post is exactly why I love you. You revel in your importance, and yet are humble enough to describe baby crap and milk on you while running around your backyard. Love it, LOVE it, LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
664. Mary said:
Number 26, Bitches! Yeah for you! You deserve it.
665. Sandy said:
The internet is some crazy shit. I have been reading your blog for-evah and it's been like watching my little sister become famous. This "mommy blogging" stuff is out of control (in a good way). I have my own pathetic little mommy blog and I did a post recently about internet celebrities and made my own list. And like, some of them contacted me. Trippy. Thanks for making our little genre powerful. Keep it up and rake it in and we all love you (those of us that matter anyway). Happy Birthday!
666. Amy in Chicago said:
I'm sure this was mentioned somewhere, but you should take the dog to the vet, urinating on themselves while asleep can mean lots of bad things....I don't think it could mean anything good...but it might be nothing much at all.
667. Zoe said:
Congrats.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32027117/ns/us_news-life/
This link scares me. Did you happen to read it?
668. Ashley said:
First, Congrats!! #26!! Thats outstanding!
Second, I am so relieved that we are not the only people with a crazy loud baby. Our little guy is 11 days old and makes SO MUCH NOISE when he sleeps. My husband actually wanted me to call the doctor because he was concerned that there was a problem with him! He doesnt cry often, just grunts, growls, moans and whatnot.
OMG You dogs pees in its sleep!? MINE TOO! I thought we were the only ones with a completely brain dead dog. I mean really?! How can you possibly pee and then lay in a massive puddle of your own urine, coating every last inch of yourself and NOT NOTICE IT?! WTF!?
THANK YOU for this post. It makes my life seem just a little bit more normal.
669. Tracy said:
Congrats #26.
670. jess said:
thanks Heather for an awesome post. you deserve to be number one. hope you had an awesome birthday and keep posting this crazy shit, will you, you number-twenty-six biatch?
671. Laura Lee said:
Happy Birthday Heather!
Congratulations on your #26 Status, too.
There is so much about this post that I love.
Your voice is
strong
funny
smart
sardonic
witty
wonderful
descriptive
precise
powerful
Thanks for the laughs!
672. Anonymous said:
Happy 34, Heather!!
What an incredible life you have made for yourself! Plus, you know, you work really really hard. I've noticed recently that many famous bloggers don't actually, well, blog. You are constantly posting brilliant passages and photos, and we obviously love them!
I can also see why you keep Jon around :-)
In addition to being tall (WHY won't you let me be TALL?!) good looking and clearly devoted he is also hee-larious. "What's wrong, Mike Hamilton?"
Thank you also for your incredible frankness about depression. So many of us struggle, and have no voice. You help us, every time you are willing to talk about it.
673. Traci said:
Was hoping Jon might have had a chance to snap a few photos of TWENTY SIX running around the backyard in tshirt trying to hose Coco down... maybe do a collage of you like Coco's previous OCD post! =)) We all wouldn't have been able to control the laughter then! Hope you had a great birthday!
674. Megan said:
Congrats on being #26, Happy Birthday, and thanks to you my daughter is looking at me like I have a third arm growing out of my forehead because I cannot stop laughing! Dooce, you are hilarious.
675. Lynn said:
Have I told you lately that I love you? Your blog makes me happy. Congratulations on #26 and thanks for the laughs.
676. Anonymous said:
hi, just wanted to comment on blurbs twitter 'the second time around'. i don't have a world press account, and didn't want to open one, so i thought i'd comment here. loved his post, love how supportive he is of you! marlo is beautiful. a couple of questions: do you have time to read ALL YOUR COMMENTS? i doubt it w/a new baby and i don't blame you, but just wondering. also, on jon's twitter post he wrote: "She wrote about how she responded and steps she’s taken here" - but he forgot to put a the link with the word "here". would love to read the link if he has a chance to add it. love your site always recommending it to my friends. xoxo
677. Anonymous said:
Ah, Heather. I love your writing, your realness, and your ability to hang onto yourself amidst all of life's changes. Media or not, we can all learn from your example. Well-deserved '26', I say. Congratulations and happy-belated :) Thanks for several laugh-out-loud moments reading this post. Smashing.
678. Tiffany said:
"Holy cow that's hilarious!" (exactly the quote out of my mouth as I read this post and laughed out loud). And that "holy cow"? From a Mormon who doesn't swear, and who disagrees with you about how awful Mormondom is, but who reads you anyway because you're funny and smart. Happy birthday and congratulations.
679. Jessica said:
That is fantastic. Congratulations to you and your family.
680. Lindsey said:
Heather, that last post was so full of Lolz. Thank you!
Happy Birthday! Congratulations on being the 26th!
Also, Coco might have a UTI. Just a thought. It happened to my dog - she was laying on her belly one day, not a whimper, and peed copiously. In my bed. Yes. Couldn't help herself. UTI. Who knew.
681. Katherine said:
Gah!
One for the records!
Happy/Merry and all that
682. Jen said:
Holy cow....you beat out soledad?! It's always amazing how being pooped on can humble an occasion. Congrats!
683. heather said:
how long until you get your own reality tv show????
684. Allie said:
Thanks for the laugh in what would have otherwise been a humor-less day. I SO enjoy reading your website. :)
685. NancyK said:
LOL.......As the owner of a 5 month pup who loves nothing more than to use the one area rug that cost me more than I care to admit as her personal bathroom, I cracked up at the visual you shared with john and pollock.
I only have one intelligent comment NEVER BUY SOLID COLORS. not for your wardrobe not for the rugs, couches, etc. You will thank me someday, i just know it!
686. Deb said:
Congrats on 26 and Happy Birthday! Even if we don't agree on political issues (and who does, for crying out loud!?), I still find your blog to be one of the most hilarious I've ever read. Thank you for sharing your very imperfect, human life with us. It's a breath of fresh air over some of the more syrupy blogs out there.
687. Erika said:
That rocks! Congrats!
688. mrs. hanna said:
Heather B. Armstrong, I love you! I kinda want to put you in my pocket. Happy Birthday number twenty-six!
689. Jeme said:
(Sung in my best Marily Monroe impression----)
Happy Birthday to Youuuuuuuuuu.
Happy Birthday to Youuuuuuuuuu.
Happy Birthday Mrs. Dooce Hot 26!
Happy Birthday to Youuuuuuuuuuu.
Funniest post ever! A birthday masterpiece.
Keep 'em coming!
690. Sally said:
Heather B.,
You are my friggin hero!
That's right, Oprah! You've got a BLOGGER hot on your trail!
691. ashly said:
Wow! Congratulations!! Happy Birthday!!! Now get on with your birth story, please.
692. Kerstin said:
Happy Birthday and congratulations on getting the award! I feel like you do deserve it and I am thrilled for you.
Unless you enjoy listening to your newborn at night - and it doesn't exactly sound like it - I recommend using ear plugs!
You will still hear Marlo when she is hungry, but it will help you in between. I am planning on doing it if this early pregnancy goes somewhere and am hoping it will help me sleep the second time around.
Good luck with all!!
693. Christian said:
Rock on, 26!
694. Elizabeth said:
Happy Birthday and congratulations on #26!
695. Morgan said:
Congratulations! I just found this site via your labor story, and I'm hooked. I was sure that book for was patchouli stinking hippies, but you may have opened my mind enough to read it.
696. Sarah said:
Oh my Gawd, when I got to the part about you chasing Coco around the yard, I was lauging so hard my co-workers asked me what was wrong. I'm still trying to catch my breath. Happy Birthday!
697. nutty mummy said:
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
698. Meg said:
Congrats on 26! I'm dying to hear the rest of your birth story since I am currently doing as much research as I can on going "natural" for my delivery in Jan. I know you're beat, so I'll be patient, but I can't wait to read part 2.
699. Jaylene Morley said:
You are too funny! My inspiration, that is why you are #26!!!!
700. Christina in Mo said:
Number twenty six reminds me of ninety nine get smart and eighty six.
Hope that give you a golden pump phone for your birthday.
That would be awesome.
better than an I phone and cuter too.
btw.. your new baby girl is beautiful. Like you can't hear that enough right?congratulations
701. Melissa said:
Seriously. Twenty-six. Take that Ann Coulter, you wench.
702. MustangSally said:
I am so thrilled for you! Does this mean you get your own cable talk show? I'm sitting here trying to think of all the famous women (besides Coulter) who didn't make the list that you have MORE influence than:
Michelle Obama
Hillary Clinton
Nancy Pelosi
Sarah Palin
Tyra Banks
Anna Wintour
Paris Hilton
Pick a Pop Star/Actress (Madonna, LiLo, Brittney, shit - even Angelina!! etc.)
And I'm thinking what does this mean??? DOOCE in 2016!!!!
And maybe you should expect a call from Kathy Griffin.
Just remember - with Great Power comes Great Responsibility. Use it well, grasshopper...use it well.
703. Erika said:
Happy Birthday~!
26...of the most influential? Definitely in the 10 of the people in this world that I will read anything written by. Does that mean you influence me? Probably. And you have never failed to entertain me. Does that make you an entertainer, too?
I hope the rest of your day was less filled with the usually crap (piss) that fills so many peoples' lives, and they just don't know how to handle it. Like by running in their yard in their undies and a t-shirt...carrying a hose...
704. Shelley said:
Happy Birthday and may you have many more. Love your blog!
705. Katie said:
Best post yet... had me laughing, re-reading, and laughing some more. rock on!
706. Chrissy said:
# 26 in a list of the most influential women in the media? I guess that plays right into the media's fascination with all things Michael Jackson. I mean, come on!!! Your blog is mildly amusing, mostly to young mothers who can "relate", but influential??? The media has a lot to answer for and I have been saying that for along time. I guess amusement rules all.
707. Kelly K. said:
i am so glad you had such an awesome birthday! haha!
708. Kelly K. said:
also, i cant believe you are only 26th! you have more influence over me than freakin' oprah does!
709. Anonymous said:
I don't have time to read all the comments so not sure if anyone else mentioned this, but it could be that Coco has incontinence, common in spayed female dogs. If she continues to leak in her sleep, take her to the vet for some Proin and it'll fix her right up.
Congrats on being 26!!!!!! Love your site.
710. JRM said:
1) Happy Birthday!
2) Wow, at the visual image of the Coco's interpretation of Jackson Pollack
3)Congrats!
and the comments on Forbes are becoming nearly as funny as those about your bathroom remodel.
711. Lindsay said:
Not surprising in the least - you are a rock star. So glad that Forbes is smart enough to recognize this. Thrilled for you...
712. Anonymous said:
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well deserved!
713. Tish said:
When you pop into any list that includes the likes of Oprah you know you've made it. I sincerely hope you did a happy jig combined with fist pumps in the air...Maybe even given it a little white man overbite action.
714. Anonymous said:
This is one of your best posts ever. So hilarious. You are really amazing. Congrats on everything - you deserve it!
715. Lee said:
All that shit and piss artistry sounds like some kind of really squidgy porn....And all I have to say about it is "Can they really produce enough Purell?"
Happy Birthday Heather...
Congrats on Number 26
716. Allen said:
Happy Birthday, Heather!! And congratulations, 26 is a pretty awesome number. Sounds like that day was custom made for your birthday; sweetness, family, hilarity, bodily fluids and a healthy, respectful sense of self confidence.
717. Anonymous said:
Heya, Heather.
I like you -- you're a good writer and you seem like a nice woman. Plus, I totally agree with your politics. And happy birthday. But this being 26th on this list, while undoubtedly an achievement for you (congratulations), makes me a bit sad at the same time. Not for you, but for women generally. It's as if there aren't enough women out there in the media providing commentary and leadership and money for productions and charities or whatever, so they've had to resort to naming a regular (supersmart and talented, sure) mom from Utah who maintains an excellent blog.
What I mean is that you're very good. What I also mean is that I get the impression that the powerspots of the media are mostly occupied by men. There should be lots of women heading up lots of companies, newspapers, tv networks, whatever, exersising big power and THEY should be on these damn lists. But women don't hold those positions, so you are number 26.
Have I managed to say that without insulting you? Do you know what I mean? Because I say again: your site is truly excellent. I'm sure you'll use your power for the forces of good, anyway.
718. Brittany said:
Good job, number 26, but could you just post more pictures of the baby?
719. Roach said:
Love it! Don't we always feel like a sex pot? I love the 26 Bitches! Reminds me of my sister, I was cracking up!
720. Randi said:
I love that you're on that list. I love that I stumbled upon your blog by accident. I love how your writing makes me laugh or smile - EVERY time.
Thank you Heather B.
:)
721. Rachel said:
I can only imagine how heady that must feel -- #26 can get you through a lot of poopy diapers, urine soaked dogs, and maybe even some sleepless nights. Bravo for you!
722. Olivia said:
I just peed a little on myself while reading your post. That seems to happen more since I have vaginally given birth to 2 children. Some sort of incontience creeps up on you when you least expect it, like when you cough, sneeze, or laugh to hard. Jumping on the trampoline with said children always causes some sort of leakage too.
I have to say your posts never fail to make me laugh and because of that you totally deserve to be #26. Thank you for stating life the way it is.
723. Raezin said:
First of all, congratulations! Wow!
Second of all, I think the underlying theme of your post was "I'm 26! WHY am I still cleaning up bodily fluids!"
724. Alice said:
WOW! How wonderful. Congratulations, what a nice birthday surprise. Well worth it. You rule.
725. Jennifer said:
That is a great story. Real life, exactly the way it seems to happen, will never let you get too big for your britches. Even Miss 26!
726. marm said:
On a day where I've spent the last 2 hours crying over the misery of the chronic illness I have and how hopeless and alone I feel, a day where I would have been happy for God to strike me dead where I stand, this made me laugh out loud 4 times in five minutes. So, um, thanks for that.
There's a reason you're number 26. But you're pretty much number 1 in my book right now.
727. zeenes said:
You make me laugh like no other, Heather.
Congrats on 26!
728. ginbuck said:
First time commenter, long time reader.
I think the most impressive part of your #26 rating is that the vast majority of 1-25 are TV personalities and are more widely known due to their visibility. That makes your nomination even more impressive--although I am aware you are no stranger to TV.
729. Laura said:
Congrats on being 26 and 34! I cracked up at your carpet story. My husband tracked dog poop across the entirety of our brand new carpet (I think the installers were still divying up the tip money). I was SO MAD and his response was "I told you I didn't want a dog."
PS - rent a carpet cleaner from Diamond Rental - amazing results!
730. Sara said:
I laughed so hard through this whole thing, especially the very last sentence! Poor Coco had NO appreciation or appropriate reverence for the whole 26th thing.
731. KathyM said:
LOL
I just nearly snorted cherry cola out my nose...
Congratulations, Twenty-Six, that's a good list to be on. And Happy Birthday, too!
732. Devon said:
WOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [yes, there are 26 of them O's - CONGRATS, YO! Yay! =) ]
733. Dr. Charity said:
A piece of advice that will save you hours of guilt: whenever I feel guilty for having baby #2, and thereby traumatizing and abandoning my first born, I remind myself that I am GIVING my older child the GREATEST gift they will ever get, and one that only I, their mother, can give them: a sibling. A best friend, a playmate, a life long companion. Remember that when you feel like you're betraying your first born.
734. awp said:
One of the most home-hitting yet. Leash works for my mutts on a bath day (not pretty and have some chewed through) or if you are feeling sprite, fork it over for those dog-bath people to do it up. There is something amazing about that funky spritzer (yes SPRITZER) they use after the wash and crazy dry that seems to keep the dogs smelling clean at least until the next bear or skunk encounter. Which means it could last like a month tops where I live!
I need to revisit the list as well. #26 seems way too low on my attitude of who is most influential. 6 years daily of you guys now making me smile and commiserate is more than I've seen of Oprah. Once the breasfeeding stopped (with both) my time-in-bed-with-the-Today-show got the big kaibosh.
HOWEVER - I am able to watch and enjoy another run by Lance on the Tour in the AM - all agree ages 3, 6, 37, and 38 (me). Small graces.
GOOD for you Heather and more than well deserved. Stop pinching yourself. Go have breakfast with Ms. Rowling and you'll see you are so still you and so humble and keep on doing what you do for us all.
735. Cassie said:
You are so effing awesome!!!
736. Elizabeth said:
Ok, now I just died...from laughing my ass off.
Way to go, Twenty-Six! :)
737. granola said:
; )'
738. Katie said:
So I saw you on the news last night and just had to say that I thought you looked fabuluous!! My husband thinks it is weird the way I follow your blog and so when your face flashed across our screen I was happy to say "See, I'm not the only one who loves her!"
Glad I don't have a dog after that story.
739. Jennifer (Conversion Diary) said:
That's so funny because I was #31! They emailed me offline and told me that I was totally #30 but someone owed Andrea Mitchell a favor.
Congratulations!
740. Cindy said:
Congratulations Dooce and Happy Birthday!
741. Cyn said:
Who do I call to get you moved up the list? I demand a recount! Happy birthday you amazing woman.
742. Lana Wood said:
Happy Birthday Heather
Congratulations Heather, #26.
I've had a lot of pets, and every time one of them has peed prolifically and on themselves as you described, they turned out to have a urinary tract infection. Yes, girl dogs get these, and for the exact same reasons as girl people.
Happy boobies to you!
743. bklyn76 said:
omg, that was the best thing i read all day! [and i've been doing a lot of reading today.] you totally deserve #26, if only to let your father know about the liberal conspiracy. ;)
744. Becky said:
Laughing so very hard over this post!!! And of course you made the list of influential women. You totally rock. Not many have mentioned yet, but I love your new masthead... lovely. I don't know how you accomplish so much with a newborn at home. I am waiting for the next post on your delivery... you went natural, Heather? I am shocked. I would not have had my children without those epidurals. Seriously.
745. No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane said:
And PS--I ordered YOUR BEST BIRTH and it came in the mail today. Already loving it and the freedom it is allowing me to feel.
Thank you for the recommendation.
Rachel
746. joanne said:
Happy belated birthday! My birthday is also July 19th and I spent it painting my bathroom, which was OK by me.
Very impressed with your #26! Congrats!
Joanne in Jacksonville
747. Angie said:
No way you think the list falls off the edge...
I live in a different country and I read you religiously (ironically)... and I know a lot of people who read you as well... People know who you are and you know it: a published author with a kick ass blog.
And two beautiful girls.
Congrats.
748. hotDiggityBlog said:
|I never read your blog much. Today I happened in and you hooked me. You give transparent new meaning.
749. Geri said:
OMG, 26! I was laughing so hard at the end of your story with Coco covered in pee - - - I couldn't breathe.
I have a dog and a kid, so I can totally relate. It is so real at home. No matter what happens good or bad, no matter how silly or tragic thing get, you are still a mom and a dog owner. And there will surely be messy & embarrassing moments.
CONGRATULATIONS ANYHOO! It warms the cockles of my heart to see your fab photo on the Forbes site -- as a Media Queen with all those news gals and authors. I say aim for Rachel Ray's spot next year. You can totally take her.
750. Anonymous said:
You may be surprised, but few others are. Embrace your power, babe.
751. Elizabeth said:
Happy belated birthday to a fellow July birthday girl.
Congratulations on #26. I have been reading your blog since around the time you found out you were expecting Leta and it's always a joy. I especially loved this entry since I had to stop half way through to clean up doggie vomit from the carpet (why oh why cant she do that on the kitchen floor??.
Anyway - congratulations from a fellow nutty dog owner.
Oh - and Kathy Lee Gifford influential? The only thing she influences is how quickly I change the channel when she appears on TV. Poor Hoda.
752. Natasha said:
But does it say whether you influence people for GOOD or for BAD, Heather? Hmmm? ;-p
Congratulations. And very funny story. I think Izzy would be dog food storage if that happened. I can only handle so much dog BS.
753. Danielle said:
Laughing so hard. Great story. So proud to be a loyal follower of #26! Congrats!
754. Cath said:
Congratulations on everything! You are so fun to read and make me laugh, which I appreciate, especially with today's post.
Randomly reading the comments, I noticed the painter that said she went from 50 web hits a day to 5,000 b/c you featured her artwork. That is just amazing!
755. Valorie said:
WOW, this is really impressive, you should be so darn proud! Congratulations, I enjoyed the Forbes article!
756. mountain mama said:
too fucking funny. needed it.
757. oddFrogg said:
Congratulations, Miss Twenty-Six! Truly rocks. Your blog is amazing. Funny and profound. Who is playing you in the movie?
758. Halala Mama said:
When this crazy stuff happens do you ever think to yourself, "ooooh I am SO WRITING ABOUT THIS thesecondicanmakeittomycomputer!!!" ? Because I would. I wouldn't even put on pants first.
759. Manda said:
You are the coolest. Congrats on being number 26! You deserve it!
760. Jodi said:
Good for you! As the 26th most influential woman in media, aren't you just dying to mention my blog (current readership 281) so you can watch it skyrocket in popularity and feel your mighty powers at work? No? I was afraid of that.
Happy Birthday and all, but where is the 2nd installment of the whole birth process? Seriously, I'm waiting in anticipation to know what it was like to scream through that without drugs on board.
761. e j said:
Congratulations and happy birthday!
762. Tracy said:
O.M.G. Tears are running down my face. This is hilarious. I'm a huge fan. Good for you, #26. This gives me faith!
On a related note, I have a 150# English Mastiff. I awoke the other morning to find him graciously standing by the back door, to go out, of course. IF ONLY we crated him though...and IF ONLY it was urine...Welcome to my world. New carpet and dog with loose bowels. It wasn't even my birthday...
763. Anonymous said:
Congrats. And Happy BD :)
764. Cupcake Murphy said:
You and that Wise Latina should take over the world. Thank you for being reeeeeaaaallllllllllly funny and smart and profound and and and influential.
765. Another Heather said:
You deserve to be on that list .. this post had me laughing out loud, all by myself, at the computer.
Keep it up ... finally someone who writes about the real side of motherhood .. love, hugs, projectile poop and all.
766. Cristin said:
Fabulous! Happy birthday!
767. mountainmomma18 said:
That is awesome! Both the 26 things and the dog pee story...actually while it is awesome for you to be 26, I was more entertained by the dog pee story not because I don't like you, but because that could have happened to me, like it may happen to me, tomorrow.
769. Kelly Smith said:
Could your neighbours see you in your sleep clothes? I dont have a dog, but I had five kids in six years and I have also been outside, half dressed, acting like a lunatic, although chasing them, not a dog. And I don't recall a hose, although, life has been a blur, so I may just not remember!!
770. Amanda said:
That story was hilarious! And pretty much exactly how we learned to let the dog out FIRST THING upon waking. Any longer than a 2 min wait to empty our own bladders and she decides the carpet is her personal potty. Congrats on being #26!
771. Christine K said:
Congrats Heather (and Jon). I love this news. Aren't you just someone sitting at a keyboard? :D How did you get all that influence!!! Honestly, when I heard, my first thought was that you must be changing a diaper right now.
You go girl!
772. dearheart said:
Congratulations, Heather! :-D That seriously rocks! What an awesome birthday present! And you so deserve it - look how many lives you've touched in the past few years. You are, and hopefully will continue to be, a 21st century icon.
773. Jen said:
Heather, I'm a stay at home mom and unfortuntately don't have the time I would like to read your blog on a regular basis. But when I do, it makes me laugh and helps me know that I am not alone! Congrats on being #26 -- you totally rock, and should be proud of your accomplishements...we all need a dose of you everyday! Thanks for the smiles!
Jen
774. Conservative interloper said:
I agree with your dad that the list needs more conservatives. I guess part of the problem lies in the nonexistence of the species, although I can think of a couple women I'd nominate--Kate O'Bierne or Michelle Malkin--and I don't even watch TV. If I watched Fox I could probably name a few more. However, I wouldn't choose Anne Coulter, because even though I'm on the same side of the aisle with her, I think she's a loose cannon who'll say anything, no matter how rude, thoughtless, glib, or inflammatory, to get attention or a laugh.
Come to think of it, I guess she'd fit in well on the list.
(Before everyone asks what I'm even doing here, may I say that I do think you're a gifted writer and often hilarious, which is why I still visit here regularly in spite of major ideological differences.)
775. Chelsea said:
I totally agree that "TWENTY SIX, BITCHES!" *NEEDS* to be your next masthead.
Happy belated birthday Heather!! I loved this post - it has a little part of every reason why all of us dooce readers love you so much.
776. jess said:
hahahahahahahahahaaaaa, that's AWESOME. sorry about the mess, you handled it better than i could have!
congrats on the 26!
happy belated birthday
777. Anonymous said:
Personally I am just jealous.
Jealous that I'm a working mom that is not so madly successful.
But good for you. It's truly awesome.
778. Anonymous said:
Happy Birthday!
779. Holly said:
Happy birthday and congratulations on being number 26; that is absolutely amazing!
780. cattitude said:
Congratulations!!
And that story just made my day and made me giggle after a month of utter hellishness where I wasn't sure I'd ever crack a smile again. Thank you. :)
781. Shalmali said:
I told my boyfriend you were 26 on the forbes list.
he said "Go marry her"
I love your site. Congratulations!
782. Rachel said:
Holy crap, that is AWESOME! Congratulations AND happy birthday! This posts especially illustrates why you deserve to be on that list- you are real, honest and a wonderful writer. Congrats again, 26.
Also, as I am trying to get pregnant again, this post just brought back something I had put out of my mind; the annoying leaky boobs. I do NOT miss that. Ugh.
783. Meghan said:
Heather,
I always enjoy coming to your site and reading what you and the family are up to. Sometimes I can't come on for a couple of days but then I remember and love when I have lots to catch up on.
Too funny, you are exactly 364 days older than me. My birthday was on the 18th. Happy birthday!
Meghan
784. allison said:
Awesome and rad! Congrats to you on both 26 and 34!!
785. Tanya Grossie said:
Wow that sounds like my day. All except the number 26 part. Congrats!!
786. Kathryn in Berlin said:
That has got to be one of the funniest posts I have ever read. The imagery is wonderful and fabulously funny but only b/c it didn't happen to me! But don't worry, I'm sure my day will come. That soooo sounds like something that would happen to me too.
787. Talking Head said:
I've been meaning to comment on your blog for about a year now- I prefer however to lurk in the darkness of the internet. I'm a used to be Utahan and now Floridian. I anchor the morning news in Orlando and get a good laugh from your deep thoughts on the whimsical culture of Utah and better yet Utah news. I was introduced to the wonderful world of dooce during one of my morning "mommy blogging" segments. I checked you out for research purposes and have been coming back ever since. I talk about you like we're best friends. I was just this week working on another news story on making money blogging at a local online company IZEA. I told them all about you as if I were your proud momma. Congrats on the Forbes list and best of luck with your brand new mini me. Maybe one day when you're not so busy with your new bundle of joy- you could skype in for our morning show.
788. Anonymous said:
I'm eagerly awaiting part two of the birth story, but this post was a terrific not-Maria. Bra-vo!
789. LifesBeenGood said:
Life has a funny way of keeping our egos in check, yes? You are too funny by half my dear. Congratulations! I know you've been influential in my life the last several years.
And your father should be proud you're not mentioned in the same circles as Ann Coulter. *spits in The Anti-Christ's general direction*
790. Mrs Travers said:
You paint a picture of such beauty, I'm speechless. Oh, and I wet myself. Love your work. Now - where's the rest of the birth story?
791. SaraRoo said:
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE GOLD STANDARD!!!!!!! That is so awesome to be recognized on any sort of list that Forbes creates! I feel lucky to have found your website, to have found your astounding literary ability to paint a picture so vividly with your words (especially about poop - whether it be infant or canine) and to be an internets "witness" to your success!
thank you for all you share- it's a hilite of my day to stop in and see you each morning.
:O)
792. Saple said:
AWESOME
793. Saple said:
My friends second child came out the spitting image of her father. He had passed 4 years prior, while baby-sitting her one night, she lay making faces and it was like reliving the life of Bob all over again
794. andi said:
Twentyyyyyy-sixxxxxxx!!!!!
Gawd, I'm crying from laughing.
Happy Birthday and congrats!
We love you Twenty-Six.
795. Nickole Brown said:
This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!
796. Kate said:
Congrats Heather and Happy Birthday.
Of course you will probably get hate mail BECAUSE of "Number 26" which reminds me that we haven't had one of your hate-mail installments in a long time.
We are overdue for the snark and laughter! Or does everybody love you now and you no longer get hate mail?
797. Barb said:
Dude.
798. Katie Morton said:
Sorry about the poo boob pee!
Congrats on the 34 26!
799. Andi said:
Thank you for yet again making my day. You're brilliant and deserve to be #26, bitches.
Also, I realise Coco has no brain but she is so gorgeous I have a very tough time not wanting one. To the point I have researched Mini Aussie breeders in TX. Which is pointless & only causes me pain because until my 3 oldest children leave the nest and the one in my womb presently can help with dog care & maintenance there will be no new dogs in my home.