Twenty-six
Yesterday was my 34th birthday, and I spent it much like we've been spending all of our days in the last five weeks, stumbling around in a sleep-derived haze of who are you? Where am I? What's my name again? I mean, we've sort of got a rhythm going, one where the drummer and guitarist are playing two different songs, and the lead singer is just making up words as it goes along, and the sound is just awful but we're calling it "art."
Marlo is being fairly cooperative in the sense that she's sleeping through the night, meaning she wakes up to eat a couple of times and goes right back to sleep after a few minutes on the boob. I know that casually saying the phrase "on the boob" may be insensitive to a certain fraction of my readers who would rather not have to hear about such details concerning life with a newborn, so to make up for that I won't tell you about how a chunk of her neon yellow poop squirted out of her diaper onto my shirt this morning, and instead of jumping up to clean up the mess I sort of sat there admiring the shape and texture of it, wondering aloud if it was a raisin? Maybe a kernel of corn?
So you'd think we'd be getting a fair amount of sleep, except she is such a loud sleeper, just like Leta was. She grunts and moans and growls, so half the time we don't know if she's awake and upset or if she's having a nightmare about that one time she came shooting out of a vagina. I mean loud. Really loud. Like we're sleeping with our heads right next to a dryer that's rolling around a pair of tennis shoes, a wad of coins, and a hammer.
Anyway, my birthday. Right. That's where I was going with this. I got an early birthday present last week when it was announced that I was among the 30 honorees on the Forbes list of "The Most Influential Women In Media" for 2009. Um. Yeah. So. Soooooo. Let's just twirl this around in our brains for a second so that you can see why BATSHIT INSANE was my first coherent response to such news.
You've got Oprah Winfrey at the top of the list, and then it goes on to Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters, and others like Ann Curry and Katie Couric and Martha Stewart and Lesley Stahl, and everything is fine until you get to number twenty-six, Heather B. Armstrong, and it's like the list suddenly falls off the edge of the earth. Heather who? Heather what? Who is this woman? And I can just imagine the usual buttoned-up, proper reader of Forbes wandering over here, reading a couple of lines and thinking HAS FORBES LOST ITS MIND. And my every inclination is to post my father's phone number right here so that they can call him and commiserate.
My mother, obviously, was over the moon when I told her the news, but my dad's first response was, "Is Ann Coulter on the list? Where are the conservatives?!" and I had to spend the next hour convincing him that the list wasn't some vast liberal conspiracy. Meaning it was exactly like every single phone call I've ever had with him. HA! HA! I'm only kidding. A little bit. Related: Marlo looks just like my father, and the other morning she was making this really angry face, and Jon looked at her and goes, "What's wrong, Mike Hamilton? Are you still upset about Obama?"
So, yeah. I'm number 26. Twenty-six. Which of course blows my mind, and for a few days in my sleep-dreived haze I would look at Jon every few minutes and go twenty-six? For real? And then we'd high-five each other and go, "Twenty-six!" I mean, ridiculous. That's exactly what it is. Absurd. But that did not stop me from reminding Marlo about it every time I changed her diaper. I was all, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, KID? YOU'VE GOT NUMBER TWENTY-SIX WIPING YOUR BUTT.
Yesterday morning I was still kind of high on the news of it, that combined with the fact that it was my birthday, so I woke up in a really great mood. Marlo slept in a little later than usual, and Leta played quietly by herself in her room until she heard us rousing. We all four then spent the next half hour in bed making faces and singing and tickling and living a page right out of Good Housekeeping, and right before we all skipped merrily upstairs to have breakfast I hopped over to let Coco out of her crate. Only to be hit in the face with a smell so nauseating that I fell over dead. I died. There was a funeral and elaborate floral displays and my mother threw herself over my casket and yelled, "Twenty-sixxxxxxxx!"
As Coco stepped out of her crate I suddenly realized that she had urinated all over herself, I guess while she was sleeping because she never whined to be let out of the crate LIKE A NORMAL DOG WOULD HAVE. Like a normal dog with a brain. And it's not just a little bit of urine, it's like Niagra Falls in that crate, and she is covered head to toe in it. I catch her a little too late, meaning I'm standing there debating over whether or not I care about what it would mean to grab an animal soaked in its own bladder juices or do I mind what those bladder juices are doing to the BRAND NEW CARPET on the floor, and oops, there are fifteen footprints that will remind me forever that once you adopt a Miniature Australian Shepherd you shorten your life by, oh, a good twenty years. Oh, right. I'm already dead. Because of her.
Jon swoops in, grabs her up off the BRAND NEW CARPET, have I mentioned that part? BRAND NEW. It could not be newer, it is so new, the newness is the newest of all new, The Mayor of New, and he runs to the back door, sets her down to open that door, and then realizes his fatal error. Because Coco then seizes that opportunity to shake the piss off of her body. All over the floor, the walls, the ceiling, and of course all over Jon's body. It was like a Jackson Pollock canvas in that back hallway. If you could have seen it you would have marveled at the color, the scheme, the abstract way the piss splattered and flung through the air. A masterpiece, I tell you.
For the next hour I chased that dog around the backyard in an attempt to douse her with the hose, an instrument she loathes as it contains water — and I don't know what happened to her in a previous life, maybe water stole her car or called her names or punched her in the face, but Coco reacts to water like someone would react to an intruder with a knife — and since I hadn't had a chance to put on any clothes, there I am, number twenty-six, an Influential Woman in Media, running madly around my backyard after a dog with no brain, wearing nothing but my panties and a t-shirt covered in milk stains and dog piss. On my birthday.
I'm not going to lie, I stopped several times, hose in one hand, the other hand pointing proudly to the giant milk stain underneath my left boob, and yelled, "Twenty-six, bitches!"
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
301. Rosalie said:
26! Congrats on the deserved, and hard-earned recognition. Happy Birthday too! :)
302. Karen said:
Congrats on being 26 -- and happy birthday. Sorry Coco had to go piss all over your day....
303. Belly Girl said:
Dude, Heather - you rock. What a awesome, blessed, wondermous life you lead. I can't believe you didn't even link or mention this CRAZY HUGE article that they wrote JUST ABOUT YOU! (http://www.forbes.com/2009/07/15/dooce-heather-armstrong-forbes-woman-po...).
You are lucky (with heaps of talent thrown in) and you know it and acknowledge it, and that's why you continue to be lucky. You deserve this success, Miss 26. And the fact that you got this honor and are running around your backyard in your undies with your boobs leaking, chasing around your piss-soaked dog with the hose proves that truly exceptional things can happen to real people :)
304. Amee said:
Hooray for 26!
Sort of on the subject (not soliciting, it's real advice!), but I work at a carpet store and we sell this stuff called Shaw R2X Stain Remover and its AMAZING. My dog puked foamy MUSTARD yellow on my carpet once and it got that shit right out. So you know, for the next time Coco decides she hates your new carpet.
305. Kandis said:
that is the funniest thing i've read in forever!! happy birthday! and wow on the 26!! wow!
306. Melanie said:
I totally see the whole dog-shaking-piss-off moment in slow motion. And Jon saying "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh fffffffffuuuuuuuuudddddddgggge". Except he doesn't say fudge. He says the other word. The Queen Mother of swear words... I digress.
Happy birthday, Happy 26, and happy dog piss day.
307. Beth said:
DUDE! You freakin' beat out two investment bankers and Soledad O'brien. That is insane! Did you read their bios? It was like this TV show, and that TV show and then Oh yeah, Heather Armstrong who blogs about her kids, dogs and husband. WTF? You totally deserve it, but crap, who saw that coming?
308. Tara said:
Congrats on being #26 and Happy Birthday!!! Your blog keeps me smiling on a daily basis.
309. Penelope said:
You're 26 because your writing is so much better than 99.99% of the dreck on teh Internets. Its why I come by EVERY SINGLE DAY. Congrats, Happy Birthday, La la la la la - and I'm still waiting for that beach print from Florida to get posted on Etsy. Guess your prices are gonna go up on those now eh? "This? This was taken by NUMBER 26 Bitches!" (I can't wait to say that!)
310. eejm said:
SWEET, both on the birthday and being #26! I totally listen to you before I listen to Oprah.
I'm convinced that both Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin are part of some huge joke that we just don't get yet. I mean, I know when we hear the punchline it'll be HILARIOUS - we just haven't heard it yet. It's got to be...right? Right??
311. Anonymous said:
I hate to sound redundant. But instead of running around screaming "Number 26 bitches!" Screaming "I beat Soledad" is far more awesome! Like many, I remember your interview with her.
You rock! Happy birthday. You have been giving me my daily dooce dose for 7 years now!
312. Kate said:
Newly pregnant, I think of you often, how alike we are, not that you'd know anything about that, wishing you were really my BFF, and that I could come crawling to you to ask all the questions I have that I wish you could answer, and this was just what I needed: a classic, indooced belly laugh. xo and a happy, happy to you!
313. Indiana Lori said:
And this is exactly why you are 26. You are the Every Woman. You take our lives, paint it in words until we pee our pants laughing, and remind us that WE are NOT ALONE. We may be covered in breast milk, animal excrement, and some part of last night's dinner that came out of the mouth of our children...BUT, we are not alone.
For you, we are very grateful. Happy Birthday. And congratulations. 26 is proof the world hasn't gone completely insane.
Indiana Lori
314. Anonymous said:
2 things:
1. congrats on 26.
2. why do you keep that damn dog? i don't know how you do it and then you go and add a newborn to the household! you are definitely number 1 on the I AM CRAZY TO KEEP THIS DAMN DOG list.
315. Heather G said:
So don't I feel like an ass. I am actually embarrassed to admit out loud that I emailed you - number 26 on The Most Influential Women in Media as noted by Forbes magazine - to ask if you had any advice on how to make my lame ass mom blog more popular. Hell, I should have just called up Oprah, like "Yo Oprah can you swing by my ranch tract home in Indianapolis to walk me through the fine details on how I can do this whole 'best life' thing? Ill make snacks."
I guess I should have realized that I was reaching when I saw the clips of you on various TELEVISION shows (um Oprah and Today Show) but nope - still typed it up all jolly with emphasis on thoughtfully witty and hit send. It took this to make me realize that I was a tard.
Really though, that's pretty fucking spectacular and its even better that you follow up the news with vivid details on poop, urine and partially nude dog washing. And that is exactly how you make a mom-blog popular. Congrats.
316. Michelle B. said:
You Deserve. Your blog is the best. Happy Birthday
317. joy said:
I have been reading your site for over half a decade now and I am thrilled for your success. Congrats!
318. Jenny said:
Many congratulations Heather! You deserve it.
319. ExSchutz said:
Amazing! Congratulations! You totally deserve it.
320. Danielle said:
Ok, so I just laughed so hard, I actually bounced off my stool.
And almost landed on my dog.
321. Eddie said:
You rock, Heather!
322. Elizabeth_K said:
Even as the rest of us worship and adore you with no hesitation, Coco is working full time to KEEP IT REAL. You can thank her later (as the rest of us laugh until we gasp ...)
323. Julie said:
Happy birthday and congrats on being #26!
324. JRB said:
Happy birthday! and congrats on #26!!
In my humble experience, the new carpet gods (which, incidentally, is dogs spelled backward) always demand a sacrificial offering.
325. Eddie said:
You rock, Heather!
326. Danielle said:
Oh, and commenter #310 (eejm):
I sincerely hope so, dear. 'Cause the alternative is just too scary to ponder.
327. JC said:
Hey now....what's wrong with Forbes? I read it, and I read you too, and shit...you are YOUNGER than I am!!!
Crap, I need to get a life.
Happy Birthday, and congrats on the Forbes mention.
328. Mommytopia said:
Love your site, just hysterical. I MUST ask you: Where the hell are your haters? I have an okay size audience on my site -- no 351 response size audience, though -- and have haters. What's it like to be so universally loved? Universally loved AND #26?
329. RCLELAND said:
OH MY GOSH!!! I don't do dogs, but can empathize. I do kids. Altho, I have never had a kid spray urine all over the brand new carpet and walls and people and furniture and... May I say Eeewww!!!?
Now Poop, poop all over said 2 year old who woke up from her nap and quietly finger painted her crib, body, sheets, walls, and curtains - everything within reach - with poop paint... well you get the picture. I am a slight poopophobic, so you can imagine.
Congrats on the turning 34 thing, surviving birth and a newborn once again, and that whole 26 thing. Nice! And I am not surprised about the 26 thing. I think it is lovely.
Someone should make a MasterCard commercial...
330. Hokie Deb said:
-->Congrats!
You can tell #26, #28 and #29 to Suck It!
haha....
http://www.WebSavyMom.com
331. Hokie Deb said:
-->Congrats!
You can tell #27, #28 and #29 to Suck It!
haha....
http://www.WebSavyMom.com
332. Dayna said:
I can't believe Kathie Lee Gifford beat you on the list. I don't know anyone who claims to be influenced by her. Oh this insane world we live in!
333. Anonymous said:
I wonder if you'll get through some 300 and something odd comments to read this simple compliment but, fuck, you have a gift for writing.
334. Terri said:
Twenty six??? No Way....you're number one as far as I'm concerned! Oprah, move over baby! Dooce just walked in.
335. Hope said:
Congratulations, 26! I must admit I was slightly disappointed, however, that your Forbes photo was not a milk-leaking, Marlo-dump, urine-soaked-dog one.
We love you!
336. Anonymous said:
Congratulations and Happy Birthday!38-6 ob
337. Anonymous said:
oh gawd, you are funny. thanks!
338. ProudMary said:
ha! you bested Soledad? Does that mean that now she's wondering if you actually poop?
Honestly, I can't believe what you've been able to accomplish with a single blog over the years, it's been astounding to watch. Good work.
339. Brenda said:
I can just imagine all those stuffed shirt Forbes people scratching their heads after reading this post and going, really? This? Really?
This is great, congrats!
340. Kathy said:
Happy-Congrats-Birthday-XXVI...
Wow! What an honor! I read your post today and laughed out loud as I do frequently when checking in. You and your family are amazing. I hope you continue and are soon at the top of the list--move over Oprah!
341. Jen said:
I always knew celebrities were just like us. THAT is why you're #26.
342. Jan said:
Happy 34th birthday! My dear (and I mean that in the nicest possible way), when I was your age I had a PhD and jackshit else. Having failed to see through the academic achievement marker bu--sh--, I was stringing for a dinky local newspaper about junk car ordinances (actually pretty interesting), living with my parents, and a turd to guys. Look at you! Two beautiful daughters, a (dam hot and intelligent) husband, a house, one dog (and one um, well, eliminatory excrescence), a brand name, book(s), an international presence, cool accessories and tschatckes, reasonable peace with your immediate family. True, you've had some serious issues to overcome, but you did, and I'm so happy for you!
343. Marta said:
While it is awful that Coco pissed on herself while sleeping, it could have been worse--it could have been you who pissed on herself while sleeping. Hopefully if this ever happens on your birthday, or any day, you'll be very old and someone else will have to clean you up!
Happy b-day and congrats on being #26. Anyone who can make us all laugh day after day totally deserves it!
344. Victoria said:
Happy 26th birthday! Er.... ;)
Happy Birthday Heather!
345. Laura said:
That is very amazing, I'm sure Chuck is impressed. Congratulations Heather
346. Cris said:
TWENTY-SIXXXXXX! WOOT!!!
Also, keep going out in your panties and stained t-shirts. Keep going on making it real. One day you'll show up like that on the Cover of InStyle and everybody will realize what we already know: you are beyond being just like us. You are truly our essence.
Even if I personally don't have husband, kids, dogs.
347. Anonymous said:
Totally fantastic. Love it, love it. Gotta agree with someone who posted about a movie, because you seriously need to get out a screenplay--in between nursings, obviously. Give the masses a version of motherhood other than the hallmark one. Would do us women a world of good.
I've only been stalking your site in the recent months & I wish I had really taken in all the 'crazy dog' writing. But, no, we brought home a puppy a few weeks ago who, instead of fearing water, thinks his water bowl is a swimming pool with dog treats buried in there somewhere. Interesting quirk.
Congrats on the 'Forbes thing' and the bday!
348. Ida said:
We love you!
349. Anna b. said:
Congrats....
350. Jenny said:
That post just made my day . . .my husband thinks I'm crazy because I'm sitting here laughing to myself like a maniac. Every time I think I'm having a bad day, I will come back to this post again just to have a good laugh. Congrats on being #26, you deserve it!!!
351. alayna said:
wow Heather, congrats!!! very cool.
352. Beth said:
Congratulations! OF COURSE you're on that list! You're on my own personal list of top ten influencers. Thanks to you I embrace and flaunt my own brand of crazy- with massive pride!
353. Nicole said:
This post is exactly why I read your blog!!
Happy Birthday, and Congrats on 26!! You absolutely deserve it!
354. Dionne said:
Congrats Number 26!! Nothing like real life to keep you grounded! :)
355. keagansmom said:
I laughed till tears were streaming down my face! Seriously, you couldn't make this shit up if you tried.
Happy Belated Birthday!
PS: Your new family member is exceptionally lovely.
xoxo
356. Mrs. Q. said:
Few people can understand why my husband and I don't want a dog. I'm going to print this out and hand it to whomever asks why.
Congrats on 26! And that beautiful baby? Are you photoshopping her eyes? They can't really be that blue, can they?
357. jenniferL said:
whoa! twenty six is awesome! congratulations. this birthday story made me laugh... sorry you had to deal with the piss dog but the visual is hilarious. happy birthday!
358. Kristine said:
That was an awesome story :)
Congrats.
359. Ms. Moon said:
And this post demonstrates quite admirably why you are twenty six. And I say that with much admiration.
360. mamamare said:
That's just so freaking awesome. Congratulations!
361. Kristina said:
Happy Birthday Twenty-Six!
And not to be picky but being from the general vicinity of that great waterfall I should mention that it's spelled Niagara Falls. :) If you haven't already you should come see them. They are gorgeous!
362. Allison said:
OMG the grunting! I have a 9 week old night grunter/growler too! It makes me insane. I will take grunting over crying any damn day though.
Happy birthday and congrats on 26. Well-deserved!
363. mrs.notouching said:
Wow! What a month! What a year! Congratulations!!!
364. Michele said:
As the mom of two small girls and the occasionally psychotic parent of two dogs that pee on everything and then poop in front of the roomba so it will drive the poop all over the floor I say, "Here's to you 26!!"
365. Chris said:
Congratulations! Happy Birthday too. You make this Utah gal proud! [not really from Utah, just living here] Next year you'll give Oprah some stiff competition. :-)
366. Catherine BT said:
I love you. You are so DAMN funny. Congrats #26!!
367. Ashley said:
Oh dear lord, I love this blog.
I just laughed out loud for a good two minutes in my living room.
Happy Birthday Heather!
368. heather said:
hilarious. go 26!
369. Kelly said:
Happy Birthday! Yesterday was my birthday too- I turned 29- no really for real, I was born in 1980. I also share this birthday with my mother-in-law and trust me, I'm much happier to share it with you!
370. Beth said:
Congrats! #26!!!! I love your posts.
371. Angie said:
I'm sitting here eating Wendy's REALLY hot "bold buffalo" wings and my mouth is ON FIRE but I can't take a drink of my tea because every time I try to I imagine the moment when Jon put her down and as I was reading it I actually said, "Oh dear God NOOOOOO!" because, well, I've owned dogs and I know she's going to "do the shake" ... and your description of it puts me in hysterics. OK, so, I can get past those but then there's "Twenty-six, bitches!" and, I swear, I die, too. Only mine is from choking on INSANELY WAY TOO HOT TO HAVE COME FROM A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT BONELESS WINGS while imagining you hosing a dog and pointing at your milk-stained t-shirt.
Yeah ... I'd say you got robbed at only getting 26. It should've been Oprah, Barbara, Heather ...
372. stacy said:
ok, congrats on 26. funny oprah is 1 cuz that is where I was introduced to you/dooce. question though, your pics always look so clear and virbrant, what kind of camera do you have so you may "influence" me to get it.
373. Stephanie Melton said:
That is awesome, congratulations! There were lots of women I have never heard of above you, so I am either totally out of it, or you will easily crack the top 10 next year! Seriously, what you do is so important to so, so many - this is a very much-deserved honor. Happy birthday, and sorry about the dog pee thing. Gag. As the mom of an 8 week old, and 2 very bad dogs, I feel your pain all too well...
374. Kristen said:
I saw that you made the list, and realized that as weird as it is, you ARE influential. People relate to you and you feel like our friend, and there are so many readers, it's amazing.
And then I remembered your recent post about how you changed your mind about how you wanted to birth. I just want to say, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, you are my hero. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are hundreds of pregnant women who read your site and are now pondering if they should learn a bit more, too. You rock.
375. Rottenrott said:
Good for you. I think that you are a good candidate- just look at your income woman!
Can't wait to hear more from you.
376. hoppytoddle said:
Yep. Dad & Coco conspiring together to keep you humble.
You're giving me hope that I can pull off this whole #2 thing & not completely lose it, BTW. Thanks for that. Looking forward to hearing the rest of the birth story.
377. Aimee said:
Oh thank god for this post - laughter was exactly what I needed right now! Happy birthday and CONGRATS on being #26 (YAY!) See how much you rock?!
Sorry about the Coco pee fountain...
378. Kelly said:
Yay for freakin' you! 26. You rock!
379. Laura said:
Happy Birthday - I think you should have been at least #25.
Congrats!
380. Laura said:
Hahaha! TWENTY-F'ING-SIX just made me laugh until I cried! Fantastic post today, Heather, thank you SO MUCH! Just what I needed this afternoon, a dooce classic.
381. mediumcrazy said:
Glad you posted something on this so I could say congratulations. You are a blogger hero and that is the straight truth. You absolutely deserve to be the person who is the "face" of personal blogging and the fact that you're a woman just makes it that much better because you represent us right. love it.
382. Candice said:
Do you think Barbara Walters has ever experienced such a rich and full day in her life? No. Be proud of your twenty-sixyness.
383. brandi said:
Heather, CONGRATULATIONS! #26 is huge...being on any list that says "Most Influential" is huge!
Oh...and Happy Birthday!
384. C said:
Woo hoo Congrats!!! It was my birthday yesterday too!!!! Didn't know we share a birthday. Yay!
385. Robyn said:
I really needed a laugh today. Your stories are by far the best I have ever read. Had me in tears of laughter. Thank you!!
386. Tatyana said:
Congratulations!! How awesome! 26! 26! 26! You are so deserving of this recognition. Who would of thought, a poopoo wearing, boobie talking,tell-it-how-it-is, SAHM would be #26 in Forbes magazine. Keep Rockin' Heather!!
387. Bri said:
Hilarious! Happy Birthday!
388. Knowles said:
Congrats #26! Bask in your glory, not in baby poop! Boobs, poop...keep it comin'.
389. krazykris71 said:
This is some of the best writing you've done in well...FOREVER!!!
So congratulations on the "Twenty-Six" biotch. You earned it with this one post.
Poor Coco, she is definately the mentally handicapped, short bus reject of the canine world. I've noticed that Chuck has not been getting nearly enough press out of you. How is he handling being pushed to the bottom of the diaper pail of affection in your house? Stoically, I'm sure.
390. Kelsi Nibbana said:
Happy Birthday! I loved the description of Marlo's poop - it takes me back to the early days with bf poop - lovely shade of yellow, really. Congrats on #26 - you should get Marlo a shirt proclaiming that #26 wipes her ass.
391. Stenar said:
Why aren't you #1!!?? Well, you're #1 on my list. Oprah who? Diane what?
392. April said:
My obvious favorite quote of the year is "What's wrong, Mike Hamilton? Are you still upset about Obama?"
Actually, I'll likely drop the Mike Hamilton part, as I don't know him, but I'm pretty sure "Are you still upset about Obama?" is working it's way out of my mouth everytime I see some stodgy upset individual.
393. His Girl said:
this is why you're 26.
you spin a yarn, girl. quite a yarn.
394. Amy in SLC said:
I love your sleep deprived posts.
395. Olga said:
Congratulations #26! Happy Birthday!!! You rock!!!
396. christie said:
congrats!! although, your killing me as i've been dying for the rest of marlo's birth story!! are we ever going to get the conclusion? =) btw, i'd be thrilled to be 100 so 26 is really frikken cool! congrats again!
397. Anonymous said:
Congratulations on all of your achievements. You deserve each and every one of them.
398. Anonymous said:
heather b. armstrong...you rock. you so rock. you rock so hard! and...thank you. you know, for the rocking.
399. Meegan said:
Congratulations on being super famous and influential, yet maintaining your crazy. It's a balance. I manage the latter, while the former still escapes me. But once I publish my manifesto that will change. Bwa-hahaha.
400. Shan said:
Ha! It's been awhile since we've had one of these that was just one laugh at after another. Congrats on being 26, whodathunk!
401. dillybops said:
Why do people congratulate themselves on being first to comment on a blog?? Who gives a flying fuck?
402. Anu said:
Holy Piss...I mean shit!!!!
Congrats Heather on your many many acheivements. It's been 5 years now, and I remember the exact moment when I came across the article in NY times featuring your blog. Well, to be honest it was actually Leta's photo that drew me to the article in the first place. And the rest in history... I stop by every single day since then. Can't think of too many things that have been such a constant part of my life.
403. Hannity Grace said:
Wow to think I knew you "when". I am obviously missing the boat on this blogging thing. You got it right and I am so glad you did - love reading!
404. Jenn said:
Hysterical: "Twenty-six bitches!!!" I freakin love it! Congrats!!! Oh, and btw, glad to see Bridget is not the only dog with OCD about a frisbee-type toy. OBSESSED. I was unaware that "obsessive" was a trait for Aussies, but CLEARLY that is the case.
405. Jenny said:
Dude you totally beat the Money Honey! Sweet.
406. Cowgirl said:
You made me laugh so hard I pissed all over *my* crate!
407. Rachael said:
I've been reading forever and have wanted to comment a few times, but when I see your comments numbering in the triple digits, I decide you'd probably rather spend time with your family!
However, after that post, I have to just go ahead and say that I think you are GREAT. Thanks for being honest and sassy at all times. #26 suits you well! Get ready for more greatness!
408. Carolyn said:
dang, #41 beat me to it. You're ahead of Soledad! Congrats again, well-deserved.
409. trish said:
Good to know even #26 has to clean up dog piss. Because there's nothing that brings you down from any high by having to clean up after a dog.
Speaking of which, as I was typing this, my dog was rubbing himself on the carpet, stood up, farted, then looked back at his butt like, "Did you hear that? I think there's a frog in the house!"
410. Anu said:
Also, isn't it just awsome that you are ahead of Soledad O'Brien on the list :-)
411. Karen Olson said:
Happy birthday, Heather, and congratulations on being Number Twenty Six.
I think Coco was just so thrilled about the news that she pissed herself.
Of course I'm making an excuse for the dog because she's cute. I don't have to live with her.
412. thelibrarianne said:
Hi Heather! You probably won't see this comment, as I am commenter number #70,000, but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. We actually share a birthday- I turned 21 yesterday. You're also actually the only person I know that has the same birthday as me, so when I was doing my 10th shot of God knows what, I toasted you. My friends were slightly nonplussed, but hey. It was fun.
Congrats on 26! That's a pretty damn cool present, with or without a piss-covered dog.
413. Lisa Beth said:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You've outdone yourself with this post! I held it together until the "Twenty-six, bitches" part and then I laughed out loud. For a long time. My husband came in the room and asked what the hell I was laughing at. I rarely laugh out while loud reading internet posts. I did this time. Thanks for that.
Congrats on #26. You deserve it! I just finished your book (It sucked and then I cried) and it met all my expectations. Thanks for that too. Keep doing what you do, and most of all, being you!
414. Taylee said:
When I saw you on the news with your big 26 victory I screamed a few WOOT-WOOTS! I think it's pretty grand. And Happy Birthday, your getting old. But hey, what does it matter? Your 26!
415. Shannon said:
If you've ever thought of getting a tattoo...
416. Ashley Ann said:
I had to tell you that I only just now found you and I love you!...
Gut laughs are priceless and I just had a couple...thank you, thank you!
Hope this is a kick-ass year for you!
417. Lesley said:
I'll bet all pioneers are shocked when they reach Number Twenty-six. But they shouldn't be. Congratulations, Heather! And happy birthday!
418. Amy G. said:
1) Happy Birthday!!
2) Congratulations on #26 - you're awesome. :)
3) You. Are. Flipping. Hilarious! That post rocked. And I love reading about your crazy life, because it makes mine seem normal by comparison. So thank you for that. ;)
XOXO
419. Norah said:
holy crap. That is hilarious. Much-deserved kudos to you though, Heather, on making that list. I try to turn everyone I know onto your blog, and only the keenest listen to me. You're great, so keep on keepin' on.
420. ShakenFruit said:
fucking. hilarious.
Thank you for every word.
421. Nhiro said:
Woman, you are f*cking nuts and I love it. Just when you thought you couldn't be covered in anymore poo, along comes Marlo. So happy for your recognition + expanding family.
PS. You're totally no. twenty-FIVE in my book. ;)
422. Christa said:
Just totally awesome. I am stoked and happy for you beyond measure. Congratulations!
423. Angelina said:
#27 says: "I got beat out by baby poop and dog piss?!"
I love this newborn-dazed blog post! You should keep popping out babies to keep you in this frame of mind.
Happy Birthday!
424. Michael F. said:
"Twenty-six, bitches!" Yeah! Happy Birthday, Heather and major props on landing at numero veintiseis.
425. SaritaPagita said:
F-ing awesome woman! Congrats on being 26 on a list that includes Oprah. And happy belated bday!
426. jennifer curry pham said:
congrats numero 26! and by god, those last few paragraphs were the funniest thing i have read in a long time.
427. Missuswayne said:
This might be your best entry ever. A+++
And many congrats on Marlo and being #26!
428. nathanv said:
Congratulations. LMAO whiles reading the post.
BTW - this picture http://dooce.com/daily-photo/2009/07/17/infant-fist-pump - absolutely adorable. I teared up for a minute because when my sons did this i would coo: Power to the babies! Thanks for writing and sharing as much as you do.
429. Rachel said:
OMFG! Wow, you're... AMAZING! You probably don't need to hear that 70,000 times for it to sink in, but you're fucking amazing.
Who would have thought that the lady that writes about poop and boobs would make it to TWENTY SIX ON FORBES?!?!?!!!!!!!!
I want to be like you. (Minus, if you'll forgive me, some of the nervous breakdown issues. Oh wait. I've got those too! NEAT! I'M ALL SET!!!!)
No, you fucking rock. Your family is BEAUTIFUL, and your wit, intelligence, and good 'ole poop-writing charm are all hilarious. You made my day today. As you do every day that you post. And the days that you don't post.
And have you read some of these comments?!?!!! They've got me laughing as hard as your post!!
430. Melissa said:
That was too funny, I can't stop laughing. OK, I stopped. No, wait, still laughing. Thanks!
431. Trisha said:
Happy Birthday!
Congrats on the 26-ness!
This post is so funny and so true - I had to read it outload to my husband. We've been there, um, minus that whole dog piss thing... and, of course, major media coverage... but the kid thing, we've been there. :)
You Rock!
432. rb said:
Wow, and I've been reading you from almost the beginning. You're welcome!
I love that you outranked the Money Honey because I work for one of those Wall Street firms where all the guys are so gaga over her (what is up, by the way, with all the male financial reporters looking like complete goofballs and the female financial reporters looking like bikini models???) and anyway,
congratulations.
Hope you get the pee out of the carpet. (See? You won't hear anyone saying that to Diane Sawyer.)
433. HMFT said:
I bookmarked this. Because this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Oh my GAWD.
434. Samantha said:
Congrats!
Also, it's posts like these that make my day.
435. Janna said:
Heather: Great great for you!! What an honor, especially when life is so absurdly real, that you ARE influential and that you have made an impact. You certainly have done it and I applaud you.
This is one of your funniest posts. Thanks for the laugh, I sure needed it after my absurdly real day.
Hooray.
436. Braidwood said:
Congratulations, Miss, and Happy Birthday! That's awesome. I'm a little jealous, because I turned 35 this year and I'm number 498,056 but oh well. Yeah, 498,056, bitches!
Captcha: but slipped
437. Manic Mommy said:
Cracked my ass off at this line:
"... she's having a nightmare about that one time she came shooting out of a vagina."
Perfect!
438. Manic Mommy said:
And ps - happy birthday you spring chicken!
439. Gina said:
Dear 26,
Please do not ever show my husband your website or I will NEVER get a dog.
Love,
640,321,695
440. Shannon said:
I'm still chuckling with the mental picture you painted for us. Nice. Five months ago I gave birth to my second child, and I'm just emerging from the mental snowstorm you described, though I'm not sleeping much more. I often catch a glimpse of myself as I pass a mirror and marvel at how bedraggled I look. I mean, seriously, it's like someone replaced me with a hag of an understudy. Then I have to laugh because my Mom informed me that being 28 is a woman's prime- that life can't get much better than this in any way. (insert hilarious laugh) Whoever decided on that age didn't have small children factoring into the equation. But, it doesn't matter- I'm having the time of my life with two beautiful little girls- who cares if I have yesterday's mascara dried on to my cheek and milk stains on every piece of clothing I own!
441. sarah said:
dude, i laughed at this entry like i have never laughed before reading your website. thanks for that - and congrats number twenty-six!
442. Amyinbc said:
Congratulations! That has to feel DAMNED good. 26. Very impressive Heather!
443. kym b said:
holy hell, that was funny. what a great way to end an otherwise crappy monday. thanks.
444. jennifer said:
this entry is exactly why you are you are #26!!! 27-100 can suck it!
445. Amber said:
Love it. You make me laugh out loud. Happy Birthday and congrats on #26. Did I mention that we recently adopted a german shepherd mix that I do believe is mixed with some Australian Cattle Dog? Nowhere near Coco's level of Coconess, but there are definite, definite similarities. Keep 'em coming, and next year I bet you work your way up to #21--AT LEAST!!
446. Sarah McD said:
Good god! This was the best post! I've been reading your blog for years now and this one just had me in stitches! I couldn't believe it when I saw you on Oprah not too long ago- I was sitting with my boyfriend flipping channels and while he was talking about something (he is ALWAYS talking, talking, talking), saw you and just had to interrupt to explain why I was so shocked to see you on Oprah!
Congrats on being 26- almost as good as 25 but much better than 27!
447. Anonymous said:
i had a really, really shitty day today. and this post made me belly laugh. thanks for that. twenty six, BITCHES!!!!
448. SuzieQ said:
Congratulations on EVERYTHING!! You are #1 as far as we are concerned...and I'm still laughing about Coco! Having two dogs I can relate. Just be thankful she's not a BIG dog! My malamute pees gallons at a time!
449. Kim said:
This all sounds oddly familiar to my life, minus the #26 thing. My dog is a lot like Coco only she is a mixed breed of half lab, half nuts. Congrats and happy birthday to you!
450. Sara said:
Woo-hoo! Go Heather! I love it that an "ordinary" mom has made such a list. You are a wonder! Congrats! Oh, and Happy Birthday, too!
451. Douglas Scofield said:
I think we have the same birthday,cool
452. Jordan said:
This was awesome. Like everyone else, congrats on being 26! I was hoping you would've beat Nancy Grace.
453. muttlery & catlery said:
whooo hoooo! you're number 26! congrats but...really...how can that be? i thought you were number 1. better put that baby down and go do some more influencing.
454. Armonia said:
Congrats on everything!!
your page and books are great, helped me many times with my ppd and with my child who is also a screamer :)
you deserve it!!!
455. melissa williams said:
you do such a great job of making me laugh. thanks. and congrats #26. who wants to be #1 anyway?
456. Greg said:
congrats on 26!
well written post. had a good beat, and was easy to dance to.
457. Anonymous said:
Congratulations!!! You deserve it (not Coco, of course!)
458. Kelsey - Bows For Baby said:
Congrats! On the twenty-six and your birthday! You know what's great? We all know that even though you're #26, you're human! A human with dog piss and a milk stain on your shirt. :) And you can still be influential.
459. Jodie H said:
Holy crap.
Genius. You are a genius. This post is a prime example of why you rock. You are hilarious. And, you're a really, really talented writer. You're like the stand-up comic of blogging, the Dane Cook of Motherhood.
Your comedy smacks of the stuff that your readers' real lives are all about. Way to go, Heather.
Love your writing and, if I'm honest, am totally and completely jealous.
Rock on!
460. Korie B. said:
As I sit here pumping breastmilk for my 22 week-old non-sleeping-through-the-night infant while the rest of the house sleeps, I read that Marlo sleeps through the night. I mutter "whore" under my breath and then read on...
I get to the part with the pee-soaked Coco and my shoulders start to shake. And then I start to giggle at your misfortune. The giggle turns into a full on roar.
I pee my pants and spill the breastmilk.
And then I'm right back to calling you a whore.
My God woman, you crack me up.
461. Annie Applegate Vandehey said:
OMG, this is my favorite post so far, in like the 5 years I've been reading... such perfectly crafted imagery. I love it. Having experienced a newborn myself, I love the way you describe your "band". Brilliant. Also BTW, I'm SOOOO glad you wrote about your birth the way you did. I remember you'd had a hard time the first time around and was hoping you'd have a better experience this time with Marlo. Thank you for writing your story the way you did and for promoting questioning birth practices. I hope a lot of people listened.. you know, 'cause you're so influential and all... :)
Congrats on Marlo! She's beautiful!
462. Christine Chrisman said:
I fucking love you Heather B Armstrong, and not just cause your #26.
Cause I can picture you screaming "Twenty Six Bitches!" and we've never met. I suppose that means You ARE influential :)
Congratulations.
463. wine said:
This has to be one of your top ten! Had me rolling on the floor.
Congratulations Number 26. Now are you going to use your power for good or evil is the question.
464. Anonymous said:
I think I just peed myself laughing so hard.
Happy pissy birthday, number TWENTY SIX!!
465. Lara said:
I've been reading your blog for years and I enjoy it immensely. I've never commented, but I just had to say this was one of your funniest posts. Laughed a lot. Happy birthday and congrats on Forbes - I'm not surprised, you're gonna go far.
466. Melissa said:
Twenty minutes ago I'm lying in bed realizing that I probably shouldn't have had that medium iced coffee 4 hours ago. I'm now sitting at my dining room table trying not to wake the rest of the house up with my laughing, which is loud by the way.
Thanks I needed that, but I don't think it's going to help me get to sleep...
467. CatNamedPig (Matt) said:
Very nice, Heather. Have to admit that the part I found most surprising was that your 5-year-old Leta woke up and played in her room quietly. Tell me that trick.
My 5-year-old, Siena, needs cereal within the first 2 minutes of waking up or the rest of our day feels like we all peed ourselves and blamed the others.
468. Keri said:
Oprah???
Oprah WHO???
Amazing, Heather B. Armstrong! That is what you are!
Who knew when I picked up your book a few months ago,(LOVE IT!) that I would wind up reading your blog hoping for that same validation for postpartum struggles I experienced...instead I would end up sitting here laughing my head off at number 26???
Who knew?
CONGRATS. You DO rock!!
469. janiam said:
Thanks for the laughs! Happy Birthday & congrats!
470. natalie el-jourbagy said:
wow! awesome! wow
471. Bobbi said:
Hooray for you! I'm so excited for you! Woo woo!
472. Lori Magno said:
OH MY GOD!!!! Number 26!!!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations - all that and a baby too!
Cheers to the entire Armstrong/Hamilton clan, you should all be very proud!
-Lori Magno
473. laura @ the shore house said:
This is actually my favorite dooce post yet. "Twenty-six, bitches." HA!
Happy birthday. Albeit a urine-soaked, leaky one. :-)
474. just beth said:
You are the premier Shit Ass Ho-Motherfucker on the planet.
I know this is silly, but I am so proud of you. Anyone who has ever said or doubted the importance of your contribution to the blogging world and its acceptance as 'main stream' media has just had their collective feet shoved up their collective asses.
I don't even know if that's the right metaphor or whatever, but you get my point. FUCK YOU GUYS!
Fuckin A, man. Congrats, you totally earned it.
xo
b.
475. Anonymous said:
First off - I think you need a new brand of diaper. I think my baby leaked once in 10 months. I have always used PAMPERS SENSITIVE in the white and green packages, available at Target, Walmart and Amazon. I also changed her 11-12 times a day. Email me if you need diaper tips. I still put them on better than my husband or mom.
Second and most important - I was so stoked to see you on Forbes. I would have put you higher than 26, but at least they had the sense to put you on the list. It is not surprising at all. Your story is inspiring, and as others have said, you do not give shot away on your blog, beg for votes or kiss up to anybody. Keeping it real has gotten you where you are, and you have inspired me to not give up on my writing and a lot of other things.
Thank you!
P.S. - You must have a lot of land and a very private backyard to have the luxury of naked dog hosing in your yard.
476. Diane Main said:
The tears are streaming down my face. I need to read you more often. 26 and all.
477. kristi said:
this post is the reason i keep coming here day after day. 26 indeed! happy birthday!
478. Jennifer on the Central Coast said:
Heather- Please, oh *please* design a tee shirt of "twenty-six, bitches!" with the milk stain! I promise to buy one in every color!
I'm gonna do a dramatic recitation for my man later. Hope I don't spit wine on his laptop....
Happy birthday, Heather!
479. Priscilla said:
Oh this one made me laugh! I love it! Congrats on being 26! Sorry about your BRAND NEW carpet.. :-(
480. lisa mertins said:
hahahaha. this is why i love the dooce. first, you're thinking, she's so stuck-up. then you see, it's all a set up for the self-deprecation. priceless!
481. Jessica said:
I have to simply say this post was hilarious, and I could picture the whole thing. Thanks for making me laugh!
482. Babe in Babeland said:
You are HILARIOUS!!
Happy Birthday and congrats on being number 26!!! That is amazing. YOU are amazing.
483. Amanda Brumfield said:
You f'ing GO GIRL.
484. rhea said:
Congratulations number twenty-six!
485. ~kk said:
Well done, well deserved...keep up everything wonderful that you do. And thank you for sharing it with all of us readers.
~kk
486. Chi Town Dooce Reader said:
Heather,
Since you don't self-promote, this is for you --
FOLLOW DOOCE ON TWITTER!! - http://twitter.com/Dooce
She is almost at a million followers, and every time you refresh your browser, she gains 30 more followers. Demi Moore has 1.5 million, and she has to have Ashton Kutcher take pics of her ass and post them on Twitter to get followers. She gained half a million Twitter followers after the pic of her ass was posted as a Twit Pic.
LET'S HAVE DOOCE surpass MRS. KUTCHER on TWITTER!
LET'S MAKE DOOCE TWITTER QUEEN!
P.S. - Evan my therapist has read Dooce thx to my reco
487. JMB said:
Happy birthday (belatedly)!
I'll admit 26 doesn't sound that impressive. At least, not until you realize that is out of ALL the women on the planet. At which point you are just overwhelmed. Wow, 26! Keep shouting it, that's amazing. Congratulations.
488. lauren said:
holy shit. you are amazing.
489. Mandy said:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Drenching piss, milk stains, poo stains, spew stains and an annoying dog. I love you, you make me laugh out loud, I repeat your stories like you're one of my closest mates and now I realise your are a cancerian celebrating her birthday with a newborn like me!
CONGRATULATIONS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE
I'm listening to Cinematic Orchestra Ma Fleur feeling all warm and gooy...something tells me you already love this album too!
490. andrea said:
This post is really a prime example of why you're number 26!
Congratulations!
491. cat said:
My god you are one freakin hilarious woman. I absolutely ADORE YOU. How you manage to do THIS while 5 weeks postpartum is beyond me. I was a wreck and a half at about that point.
The morning after my mother left to return to her home 1000 miles away, my husband appeared in the bedroom doorway, wearing athletic shorts and gym shoes saying "I'm off to play baseball!" What and leave me alone with this, this adorable alien who has deprived me of sleep and any semblance of adulthood or sanity? ALONE!? "Please, I need a break," was his reply. YOU need a break? He's lucky he's alive today to see his baby graduate college cause as god is my witness, I almost killed him that day, and it would have been justified.
Heather, you are TWENTYSIX!!! Numero Uno in my book.
492. Syneblue said:
I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are making the internet a better place, Dooce.
I just about fell out of my chair laughing. This, what you're doing here, being funny and honest and the twenty-sixth most influential woman in the media, and patient and kind, really really kind to your readers - you are making the world a better place for your daughters.
493. ledfutt said:
Dooce,
Congrats on the Forbes ranking; however, I think you were mis-placed. In my humble opinion, you should be, if not Numero UNO, then definitely in the top TEN most influential women in the world. You rock girlfriend!!
494. Anonymous said:
You said it first, it's absurd allright.
495. Sparrow said:
Congratulations #26. You make me snort juice every time. I don't know why I keep reading you.
Love from,
Somewhere in the Constellation
PanGaia Magazine, Issue 50
LOL
496. Amber said:
Huge--nay, giNORmous--congratulations! Wow! And a very happy birthday to you, #26! Should we all just call you "number 26" from now on? I'm thinking it would be completely appropriate. Here's to an even higher ranking next year! Holla!
497. Carly said:
Happy Birthday, 26!
498. A said:
I certainly hope Forbes sent you a little gift. A mug? Stinky cheese? A shower cap?
Congratulations to you. I first discovered your site as I was curled up in a tiny ball on my sofa after suffering my first miscarriage. I was a miserable mess and happened to see an article about you in the New York Times. Been reading your blog ever since.
You inspired me to start my own crappy little blog....
499. Kat said:
Congratulations on being 26! Being 26 on your 34th birthday - it defies math. And I'm an accountant so I should know.
Also, my mom says that I sounded like ET when I was born, since my breathing was so nasally as I was born with a cold. They had to move me in to my sister's room when I was 2 weeks old, just so my mom could get some sleep. If I suddenly stopped wheezing she thought I had died or something.
500. Megan Beth said:
Twenty six, you are too fucking funny! Hope you had an awesome bday!
501. Megan said:
I've been reading this blog every single day for years, and this is my favorite post yet. Thanks Heather! Congrats and Happy Birthday! I'm so happy for you being number 26, but I would have placed you in the top ten at least.
502. Legs said:
Gawd dammit! Could you be anymore inspiring, seriously?! That. is. it. you just made Milf of the day at themilfreport.blogspot.com for tomorrow. Thankfully the ranging forest fire in our neighbourhood got contained today I'll have time to post now.
Congratulations, you deserve it #26!
(Wow, the spam blocker words I have to type into post this are "unequal posing". Brutal.)
503. Noelle said:
So freakin' cool! The #26, not Coco's #1. And may I say, be thankful it wasn't #2!
Happy Birthday!
504. Leslie said:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX!!!
505. Zina said:
Congratulations! My blog has moved up in the Technorati rankings to 354,913th place, (actual non-made-up number,) so I know exactly how you feel!
Also, although your posts help solidify my certainty that I never want a dog, it's pretty clear you should keep Coco around as a literary muse.
506. Sharon said:
Congratulations on being 26 in Forbes. I love to read your blog. I really want children now. All the things people dread about having a baby you make seem fun and desirable, such as poop. Happy Birthday!
507. Ad Suit said:
Oh Heather.... cry me a river... Bitch??? Pleeeeze!!!!!!!!
508. Manika said:
HILARIOUS!! Congratulations, Happy Birthday, and thank you for making my day! With one kid sick and the other new born, I really needed it:-)
509. Sam said:
To #372 Stacy:
It's under the FAQ at http://dooce.com/faq
What kind of camera do you use? What lenses do you prefer?
A Canon 5D. We primarily shoot with a Canon EF 24-70mm L USM 2.8 and a Canon EF 50mm 1.4.
For normal mortals, a Canon 40D or 400D would be more than adequate.
510. gorky said:
It's because you are the only one on the list who says "poop" everyday. Congrats.
511. Lisa said:
Heather, you rule. Happy Belated Birthday and may you live a long, healthy life and never stop writing and sharing it with us.
512. wheezer345 said:
First of all, LOL!!!!! And Happy "B" Day! And Congrats #26!
513. Dan said:
I honestly have NO IDEA why I come here more than once every day, hoping for a new post and really enjoying what I find. After all, I'm a 26 year old male from Germany just finishing university, I don't care for children or dogs or marriage, and I can't imagine how stories about it can make you number 26 in US media. NO IDEA! So I guess the only explanation is: You must be very good at what you're doing. And I think you are. Congrats, Happy Birthday, maybe you make 25 next year.
514. Soph said:
26!
515. Allison said:
Oh so good!
I'm going back to read that all again.
I'm seven weeks ahead of you...emerging from the fog of newborn-itis. My second baby was born on 1st April so I very much heart everything you've written this month. Thanks for the much needed laughs, congratulations on numero 26 and happy burfday to you.
One can only hope I have such a special day as you did, on my bday in 2 weeks time!
516. Bush Babe said:
Honey, if you haven't worked out yet why you are soooo influention (and 'connected' to women all over the world) I cannot help you!!
Happy Birthday... and keep on keepin' it real!!!!
:-)
BB
517. Anonymous said:
Congratulations! Why didn't they use more glamorous picture of yours? After all you are no. 26! You rock.
518. Daily Proof said:
Congratulations for being so influential, specially with Marlo poop and Coco piss on your brand new carpet. That is why Forbes surrended to you.
Being serious,enjoy that distiction nº 26! (but don't kill Coco! please!)
519. Pao said:
happy birthday, #26!
520. legal steroids said:
And then I remembered I do not actually know you. But it seems like it, because you share your life with us so witty. Thank you. The end.
521. Katherine said:
Happy Birthday and Congratulations!
522. Mary said:
Impressive. Very, very impressive! Congrats and Happy Birthday!
523. gigi said:
my god i LAUGHED so hard.
twentyfuckingsix! woo hoo!!
well done =)
524. Sonja said:
When I first read this post, I was sort of agreeing with your attitude that it was a bit ridiculous to have you on a list like that. I don't read Forbes and haven't seen the list, but I thought about the other people you mentioned: Oprah Winfrey, Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Ann Curry, Katie Couric, Martha Stewart and Lesley Stahl. I do get and read Martha Stewart Living, but besides that, I do not pay regular attention to any of those other women. So Martha Stewart, I read once a month (and she's not even writing it), and you I read several times a week. If you're "media" then you're probably pretty much the top of that Forbes list for me. So maybe it's not so crazy after all. Congratulations!
525. TJ said:
thank you. this is why i read your blog. that and the dog pictures b/c i have a border collie who must be related to Coco. i then tried to explain today's blog to my husband who looked at me like i was nuts b/c i started laughing again and couldn't explain WHY it was so funny.
526. Aime in Ohio said:
HAPPY 34! And 26!
If my choices were be stuck in a broken elevator with Ann Coulter or burn in hell for eternity, I'd pack my marshmallows and skewers and choose hell. But don't tell your dad that's what one of your reader's thinks. It will upset him. He'll start making phone calls and Ann WILL be on the list next year.
527. Cristina said:
You beat Soledad O'Brien!
"Twenty-six bitches!!" is right!
Hive Five!
528. Anonymous said:
This piece rocked. It's exactly why you're #26. Congrats, and Happy Birthday too.
529. Heather said:
That is absolute perfection!
Thank you... 26!
530. Jeanne said:
Congratulations and Happy Birthday! Thank you for continuing to make me laugh to the point of tears.
531. amie said:
Congrats & Happy Birthday! I've been following your blog for some time now and love the updates...hilarious sense of humor! :-)
532. Candice said:
happy birthday from a fellow cancer AND congratulations! what a tremendous year! holy geez.
533. Katie said:
Congratulations Heather! It's stories like this that make you #26! Happy belated Birthday too!
534. JenX said:
to the honest, I had no idea your blog was 'that' popular. congrats! you're extremely talented, and the world loves your photos and posts. keep the good work. I hope you become insanely rich soon.
535. KMac said:
Congrats Heather! What an accomplishment!! Its been a busy year for you and its only July!!! Keep up the great work and thank you so much for finding time in your day to keep us, the Internet, informed on what's going on in the world of Armstrong.
536. ann marie said:
CONGRATULATIONS NUMBER 26!! You totally deserve it! Thanks for your amazing blog and for so candidly sharing your life...I think you're fabulous!
537. Natalie said:
Hi Heather! I've been reading your blog since the beginning and had to post today to say CONGRATULATIONS! Reading your blog has been a part of my morning ritual for many years. You always manage to start my day with a beautiful photo, a witty comment, a touching story or a big ol' laugh. Joining the ranks of the Most Influential Women in Media is a well deserved win. You've touched the lives of so many woman (like me) who appreciate your honesty about living with depression while still trying to have some sense of normalcy in your life. Keep it up! YOU ROCK!
Cheers and Happy Birthday!
538. Anonymous said:
Ah, life.
539. Rachel said:
I've been a lurker of your blog for what feels like ever... how old is Leta now? Well, that long. I have never left a comment, but I wanted to add my congratulations to the list. There have been many days I've nearly drowned from snorting coffee up my nose while reading your blog and laughing. Thanks for continuing to share your life and thoughts with us.
Congratulations again!
540. John Zurovchak said:
Twenty-six? Twenty-six? Are they crazy? You're NUMBER 1 in my book Heather B. Armstrong! Congrats to you, Jon, and the rest of the gang. Keep telling it like it is!
541. Nancy F said:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND CONGRATULATIONS NUMBER 26!
542. Michael said:
Best. Story. Ever. :-)
543. Layne said:
Ha! Aahhahahahehehehahahahohohaahaha! Oh GOD, Heather. This one was too fucking funny. So, um, if anyone sees a crazy woman laughing hysterically in random spurts throughout the day today, yeah, don't mind her. But anyway...
Congrats, Twenty-six! I've been reading you since the beginning, and must say it IS batshit insane to see it come to this. But you deserve it! And how fucking cool is it that YOU are MORE INFLUENTIAL IN MEDIA THAN ANN COULTER?! Ha!
Oh and happy birthday, too.
544. stevie said:
Influential Woman in Media? Sorry but I'm not getting that. Must have been a slow year for women in media.
545. Frances said:
Great news...and on your birthday. Congrats!! Love love love your blog :)
546. Mama Kate said:
Congratulations, Heather!!!! That is awesome!!!! The part about 26, of course - not the part about the dog and the piss. That sort of sucks.
547. Rosane said:
Wow, Heather! Congratulations on being #26. And Happy Birthday!
I've been reading you for a long while and think you're not only a fantastic writer, but also a person with whom I can identify. The magic of this last part is that I am older than you are, have no kids, no dogs, don't work from home, have never been dooced, well, you get the idea. What makes me identify with you is your vulnerability and honesty. Thank you for being so open. (Before I wrote this paragraph, I wrote only one sentence: "I thought you're awesome." This one word says so much, doesn't it? Btw, you are awesome.)
I wish you, Jon, Leta, Marlo, Chuck and Coco all the best.
548. Kristy said:
I would just like to say...
...that was BY FAR the funniest thing I have ever read at 9:30 in the morning...THANK YOU for the laugh - I needed it!
Congratulations #26!
549. Sar said:
Totally. F-ing. Awesome. Congrats!
550. Dana said:
You're ahead of Maria Bartiromo, Soledad O'Brien and Andrea Mitchell, and you're so much more fun!
Congratulations and happy belated birthday Heather!
551. Nicole said:
Congrats miss TWENTY SIX!! So exciting... your stories make my day, so obviously I'm not the only one... CONGRATS!
And Happy Belated Birthday! :)
552. sonya said:
You're #26 on Forbes list because you take the occurrences of your life and put them into words that both cleanse your soul and make your reader laugh and sometimes pity you.
Let yourself have a day where you can cry, ok?
553. Jenn said:
I have spent the entire weekend cleaning up dog diarrhea splatter from all over my house. I have been trying to decide if I should blog about it and you have inspired me #26! It's real life, and I should write about real life ;)
554. Natasha said:
Congratulations on being #26!!!!!!! You have definitely been very influential in my life since I heard about your webpage on an episode of Oprah. If my daughter grows up to be anything like you, I'll be one proud mother! Congratuations again....and Happy Birthday!!!!!!
555. Tammy Mellish said:
Happy Birthday #26!
Love the reads.. obviously, the world is lovin' too!
556. Marketing Speaker said:
Happy Birthday. Interesting that you beat Soledad O'Brien after you got freaked out about her. http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/11_14_2006.html
557. Amber said:
Love your talent of making life's daily messes (I have had similar) into hysterical tales! You deserve that 26.
558. Lacey Shaffer said:
You are awesome--that's all I can say! & your children are gorgeous!
-Lacey from Alabama
559. Stephanie said:
#26 -- wahoo. Congratulations, you SO deserve it. :)
560. chiquita said:
Way to go!!! 26!!! Maybe next year you can dethrone Oprah.
Happy birthday!
oh, and the secret word is calfskin. that sounds kind of dirty.
561. Susan said:
I do believe this my favorite post to date!
Happy Birthday and Congratulations!
562. Laurel said:
There must be some mistake. Nobody has contacted me to let me know where I am on the list. Huh.
You're keepin' it real, girlfriend. But that shouldn't stop you from demanding that your family and friends now address you as "26."
563. Christine said:
Congrats! I just read the list "in pictures" and I think they need more use of the word eponymous. Is there no synonym for that? Maybe you can use your media influence to send them a thesaurus.
564. Kelli said:
Wow - just saw you on Forbes, congrats! Also a very happy birthday to you, I empathize with you on the Pissy Jackson Pollik - I know exactly what that feels like - seems like our little "angels" are the best at destruction!
565. sarah said:
Yeah! Congratulations! And Happy Birthday!
Also, just a thought. Cats are typically low maintenance.
566. Keith said:
This is quite possibly the funniest story I've read in my short time visiting this site. I love it.
567. All in jest said:
you know how, in an exorcism, the possessed flinch at water?
cause the devil doesn't like water
ever wonder about coco?
just sayin'...
568. RobinM said:
OMG
I love you.
Grats
569. Aggie said:
I just howled in my 'office' and by office, read: cubicle-with-a-sliding-door-but-walls-don't-go-all-the-way-up-to-the-ceiling-so-people-can-hear-me-howling-to-myself kind of office.
That was such a great post, Heather! Congratulations, number Twenty-effing-six! And Belated Happy Barfday!
570. Jennifer said:
Bravo! But, you're number 26? Nobody's supposed to run away from 26! You're highly influential--doesn't Coco know that yet?
571. Stephanie said:
Not sure if I've ever laughed harder. Congrats to #26!!!
572. StellasMama said:
Happy Birthday and Congratulations # 26!!!
http://stellalind.wordpress.com/
573. Pam said:
Congrats and Happy Birthday. You are an inspiration to me and a lot of other women blogging out there. Enjoy this amazing time in your life!
574. Carrie said:
Congratulations! You are hilarious...26 in pee covered shirt and all!
575. JBird said:
Fantistico! #26 on #34 birthday, you young pup. Dogs, shit, kids, piss, boobs, love it. Thanks for making the mundane seem exhilarating. It certainly makes life more interesting! If only we all had your gift of descriptiveness, our lives may be "happenin'" at best.
JBird
576. Katie said:
Oh no! I sympathize, despite being a dog trainer and vet tech and KNOWING how stupid I was being, I adopted a border collie puppy while pregnant. I am regretting it. Anyway, just wanted to say that if it happens again you should have her urine checked, fluffy female dogs are prone to bladder infections, a main symptom of which is leaking urine or having accidents.
577. jo said:
Congrats!! But seriously, Anne Coulture? Your father doesn't have hate and bile for this hate and bile filled wing nut?
578. Catutes said:
Awesome birthday present. You most certainly deserve to be on that list.
As for the Coco piss? it could have been dog shit she let loose with and rolled around in as a special birthday present just for you.
Happy Birthday
And thanks for the laughs.
579. Pam said:
I love it! Thanks for making me smile today.
Congrats on being #26 and getting old along with the rest of us.
580. Helen said:
LOL!!! happy birthday 26!
581. cynthia said:
Congratulations Heather! I'm very happy for you, and you totally deserve the number twenty six alright! I've been a silent reader all this while, your blog is one of the best I've come across. Do keep up the good work!
p/s: perhaps you would like to change your site name to www.dooce26.com? =P
582. Angelina said:
I nearly peed myself reading this (from laughter). Great story.
583. KP said:
This Forbes & dooce reader was not surprised at all by 26. Happy Birthday & congrats on it all.
584. RAK Mom said:
You have made my day worth living. I think I peed my pants laughing! But I am still giggling and i just dont care! You Rock Madam # 26!!!
585. Cornelia said:
Congratulations on 26! That is freaking amazing!! I can't wait til I have baby moments like those. Only mine will involve cat poop instead of dog piss.
586. Tanzie said:
Fan-fucking-tastic!
Seriously!
I am such a proud reader of your rockin' blog!
587. Eva said:
What a hysterical and absolute genius post! You never cease to amaze me in your ability to describe in detail enough to make me feel as I'm the fly on the wall watching the whole morning's events. Happy Birthday and Congratulations on making #26! Well DESERVED!
588. Kayla said:
That's great and all. Congrats on 26, but where is PART 2 OF THE LABOR STORY?
589. Beth C said:
Just found your blog yesterday off of ABC and absolutely LOVE IT.. I am a young mother of 1 (well 2 if you count my husband).. and your blog is freaking hilarious.. anyway. Laughing at work right now.. not sure if I should be so loud since my cubicle is parked right next to our CEO!! :) just saying!
590. Katie Kat said:
WOW... TWENTY SIX??????! Awesome. Almost as awesome as picturing you running around the back yard chasing Coco with a hose in just your undies and a piss-stained tshirt. ALMOST... (Take THAT Ann Coulter!)
CONGRATS!
591. sara p said:
one million billion kazillion congratulations - and happy birthday, of course.
592. Scott said:
Rolling
On
The
Floor
Laughing
My
Ass
Off
So funny - thanks for your great writing, Heather. My wife and I love your site, as will our girls when they can read and figure out why we're shaking with laughter once a day in front of the computer.
593. Kerri Sullivan said:
Congratulations, Number 26! I absolutely love this site and everything else you've written... very, very well-deserved!
594. Karen said:
I don't get it. You write a blog about having kids and pat yourself on the back for being "oh so liberal." You are funny at times that is very true, so that's good. I am not minimizing the importance of having and caring for children and writing about it appeals to a whole segment of the population. Okay, yes, many American mothers relate to you so that may explain being on Forbes list. I'm just writing and trying to figure this out at the same time. You are intelligent as can be seen by your writing style so that is also good. Morning shows have interviewed you which serves your reading population. Good, good.
I read your blog for a little relaxing break from more serious news. Sadly, lots of American people don't seem to know much about what is going on in the world. I would think women who educate on that in some way would be considered influential. Barbara Walters also serves the same population that you do, although she used to be more informing.
Your mention on the list is indicative, me thinks, of the insulation of people - "my life, my situation" is what they want to read about. Oooh.
I'm certain that if anyone reads my comments there will be lots of negative reactions from people who think I am putting them down and that I somehow don't think what they (and you) do is important. I'm not saying that. I just find this kind of Regis&Kelly and Oprah society kind of sad. Again, you write well and you are funny and I enjoy it. But I don't feel that you are profound or liberal is perhaps what I am trying to say. As I've written before, it is easy to be seen as liberal in Utah, it doesn't take much. Drink a bit, have lots of sex outside of marriage, support Obama and gay marriage and boom, you're liberal. Throw in a smattering of information once in awhile about other countries and boom, you're liberal.
That's America.
595. Bridgette said:
It was my little boys b-day yesterday and it's about how my day went too, except for the being #26 on any list. Highly entertaining.
596. mel said:
I never got the whole thing about being *first* to comment.
But, shit...I just might find pleasure in being 26th.
Too bad I'm 301st, here.
597. Cindymars7 said:
Only you Heather....My goodness, I have never,EVER, enjoyed reading something so much as this. I was in my basement, sewing away the time, when I started shaking violently and then remembered: "I haven't read her blog today, this is why I am shaking"...Girl, you made me laugh so incredibly hard that I almost fell off the chair..
You deserve this more than anyone in this earth..Congratulations on being 26!!
Ohh my stomach,,,I better stop now..
598. Sprite's Keeper said:
Oprah who?
Congratulations!
And happy birthday!
599. Sheri said:
Congratulations! That is awesome.
This post brings back memories!
600. katie said:
fucking AWESOME. all of it.
congrats on being 26 and 34!!