Twenty-six
Yesterday was my 34th birthday, and I spent it much like we've been spending all of our days in the last five weeks, stumbling around in a sleep-derived haze of who are you? Where am I? What's my name again? I mean, we've sort of got a rhythm going, one where the drummer and guitarist are playing two different songs, and the lead singer is just making up words as it goes along, and the sound is just awful but we're calling it "art."
Marlo is being fairly cooperative in the sense that she's sleeping through the night, meaning she wakes up to eat a couple of times and goes right back to sleep after a few minutes on the boob. I know that casually saying the phrase "on the boob" may be insensitive to a certain fraction of my readers who would rather not have to hear about such details concerning life with a newborn, so to make up for that I won't tell you about how a chunk of her neon yellow poop squirted out of her diaper onto my shirt this morning, and instead of jumping up to clean up the mess I sort of sat there admiring the shape and texture of it, wondering aloud if it was a raisin? Maybe a kernel of corn?
So you'd think we'd be getting a fair amount of sleep, except she is such a loud sleeper, just like Leta was. She grunts and moans and growls, so half the time we don't know if she's awake and upset or if she's having a nightmare about that one time she came shooting out of a vagina. I mean loud. Really loud. Like we're sleeping with our heads right next to a dryer that's rolling around a pair of tennis shoes, a wad of coins, and a hammer.
Anyway, my birthday. Right. That's where I was going with this. I got an early birthday present last week when it was announced that I was among the 30 honorees on the Forbes list of "The Most Influential Women In Media" for 2009. Um. Yeah. So. Soooooo. Let's just twirl this around in our brains for a second so that you can see why BATSHIT INSANE was my first coherent response to such news.
You've got Oprah Winfrey at the top of the list, and then it goes on to Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters, and others like Ann Curry and Katie Couric and Martha Stewart and Lesley Stahl, and everything is fine until you get to number twenty-six, Heather B. Armstrong, and it's like the list suddenly falls off the edge of the earth. Heather who? Heather what? Who is this woman? And I can just imagine the usual buttoned-up, proper reader of Forbes wandering over here, reading a couple of lines and thinking HAS FORBES LOST ITS MIND. And my every inclination is to post my father's phone number right here so that they can call him and commiserate.
My mother, obviously, was over the moon when I told her the news, but my dad's first response was, "Is Ann Coulter on the list? Where are the conservatives?!" and I had to spend the next hour convincing him that the list wasn't some vast liberal conspiracy. Meaning it was exactly like every single phone call I've ever had with him. HA! HA! I'm only kidding. A little bit. Related: Marlo looks just like my father, and the other morning she was making this really angry face, and Jon looked at her and goes, "What's wrong, Mike Hamilton? Are you still upset about Obama?"
So, yeah. I'm number 26. Twenty-six. Which of course blows my mind, and for a few days in my sleep-dreived haze I would look at Jon every few minutes and go twenty-six? For real? And then we'd high-five each other and go, "Twenty-six!" I mean, ridiculous. That's exactly what it is. Absurd. But that did not stop me from reminding Marlo about it every time I changed her diaper. I was all, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, KID? YOU'VE GOT NUMBER TWENTY-SIX WIPING YOUR BUTT.
Yesterday morning I was still kind of high on the news of it, that combined with the fact that it was my birthday, so I woke up in a really great mood. Marlo slept in a little later than usual, and Leta played quietly by herself in her room until she heard us rousing. We all four then spent the next half hour in bed making faces and singing and tickling and living a page right out of Good Housekeeping, and right before we all skipped merrily upstairs to have breakfast I hopped over to let Coco out of her crate. Only to be hit in the face with a smell so nauseating that I fell over dead. I died. There was a funeral and elaborate floral displays and my mother threw herself over my casket and yelled, "Twenty-sixxxxxxxx!"
As Coco stepped out of her crate I suddenly realized that she had urinated all over herself, I guess while she was sleeping because she never whined to be let out of the crate LIKE A NORMAL DOG WOULD HAVE. Like a normal dog with a brain. And it's not just a little bit of urine, it's like Niagra Falls in that crate, and she is covered head to toe in it. I catch her a little too late, meaning I'm standing there debating over whether or not I care about what it would mean to grab an animal soaked in its own bladder juices or do I mind what those bladder juices are doing to the BRAND NEW CARPET on the floor, and oops, there are fifteen footprints that will remind me forever that once you adopt a Miniature Australian Shepherd you shorten your life by, oh, a good twenty years. Oh, right. I'm already dead. Because of her.
Jon swoops in, grabs her up off the BRAND NEW CARPET, have I mentioned that part? BRAND NEW. It could not be newer, it is so new, the newness is the newest of all new, The Mayor of New, and he runs to the back door, sets her down to open that door, and then realizes his fatal error. Because Coco then seizes that opportunity to shake the piss off of her body. All over the floor, the walls, the ceiling, and of course all over Jon's body. It was like a Jackson Pollock canvas in that back hallway. If you could have seen it you would have marveled at the color, the scheme, the abstract way the piss splattered and flung through the air. A masterpiece, I tell you.
For the next hour I chased that dog around the backyard in an attempt to douse her with the hose, an instrument she loathes as it contains water — and I don't know what happened to her in a previous life, maybe water stole her car or called her names or punched her in the face, but Coco reacts to water like someone would react to an intruder with a knife — and since I hadn't had a chance to put on any clothes, there I am, number twenty-six, an Influential Woman in Media, running madly around my backyard after a dog with no brain, wearing nothing but my panties and a t-shirt covered in milk stains and dog piss. On my birthday.
I'm not going to lie, I stopped several times, hose in one hand, the other hand pointing proudly to the giant milk stain underneath my left boob, and yelled, "Twenty-six, bitches!"
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Amy said:
Could I be first? I love your site. Thank you!!!
2. Milla said:
happy birthday, heather. cancers rawk! i should know cus i'm one, too.
3. Anne said:
That article was so amazing! Congrats dooce! :) And hurrah to being number 26! :D
also: happy belated birthday! :)
4. Anonymous said:
First to comment? No way! This post pretty much sums up why I tell all my friends to read this website. Congrats on being number twenty-six, you badass.
5. Nancy said:
Congratulations on being number....anything!!! Pat yourself on the back and be proud!
6. Therese said:
"Celebrities! They're just like us!"
I love that mental picture of Jon setting the dog down, who shakes the piss all over the place. I see it in slow motion.
7. Caitlin said:
You've outdone yourself with this one. Congrats--what a great month it's been for you!
8. Michelle said:
Happy Birthday!!!!
It's awesome you are on the list!!!!
I am glad you are enjoying Baby #2!!!
Best of Luck!!
9. Sara said:
HAHA - Glad TWENTY SIX didn't slip on the dog piss in the hallway.
Congratulations and happy birthday!
10. Larita said:
I'm hyperventilating trying to keep from laughing out loud at work. Thank you very much. After taking about four breaks in reading this to allow myself to calm down, I have managed to refrain from rolling on the floor giggling hysterically. Oy vey. This totally made my day, and now I'm going to go read it again...
11. BCA said:
she was probably so happy for you that she wet herself with excitement.
congrats!
oh, and at least it wasn't dog shit.
12. traci said:
Happy Birthday!
Congrats #26!!!!!!
13. caroline said:
Congrats! Sorry your birthday started off this way but you made me snort iced coffee out of my nose, so that should make you feel better. Happy Birthday.
14. Jen said:
Happy Birthday! I enjoy your craziness so much-Congrats on 26
15. hoskas said:
Fucking priceless!
16. Amy said:
Ok, now that I've actually read what you wrote. Congratulations. That's awesome. I'm not twenty-six on any list. Though I may be twenty-sixth in line for the Jordanian throne. I'll have to check. But given I'm a WASP living in Amish country, PA... I'm probably not on that list either. So kudos to you. And Coco? Maybe she's twenty-six on the list of most insane dogs of all time... maybe not, right? No. Definitely higher.
Great post and great job on your recognition.
17. Betsy said:
Does nothing ever go to your head and make you smug? So stinkin' refreshing. The action at your house is always worth reading about. What's more, I adore the fact that Chuck and Coco have stayed so central to the family in the midst of babies. Very encouraging for all the dog owners out here!
18. Vicky @ thecitycradle said:
AWESOME. What a great birthday and congratulations.
19. Tiffany said:
Congrats and happy birthday!
20. Emmy said:
Congrats on both b-day and being number 26.
It sounds like your enjoying life, it makes me happy.
21. Valerie W said:
That is amazing! Ahh, congratulations dude, and can I just say? I totally agree that you are one of the top 30 most influential women - you help women everywhere feel ok about who they are and whatever it is they are going through. You rock TWENTY SIXXXXXXXX!!
22. Lar said:
And that is why you're 26--that was hilarious. Way funnier than Ann Coulter.
23. Sarah Vhay said:
I would've thought you were more like a 25. Congratulations and happy birthday! I'm never getting a herding dog. I have learned from your posts and will not submit to their puppy cuteness.
24. mommaruthsays said:
Well hell - there goes all your other birthdays. How can any of them ever top this one?
P.S. happy birthday :)
25. armchairdesign said:
Awesome. Happy birthday, man!
26. Jenny said:
"Twenty-six, bitches!"
...ahh, that is exactly what I love about you. Happy Birthday, Heather.
27. Candice said:
Congratulations! I think the trail you are blazing is phenomenal!
28. Susan said:
Well deserved, twenty-six!!!! Well deserved! I need reassurance that Ann Coulter is NOT on that list...
29. Parsing Nonsense said:
I'm in stitches from the picture you just painted there at the end. I think you need to get that last line printed on a shirt so you can wear it everywhere and point to it whenever necessary.
A very happy birthday to you, and congrats! I know your urine-loving dog and bodily-fluids soaked attire won't let your fame go to your head.
30. Mandi said:
All parents (and likely all pet owners) have those moments but only you could make us laugh this hard.
Thank you dooce!
31. TinaNicole said:
Happy Birthday, Heather. I hope that pee mess wasn't too hard to clean up... And also, maybe you should mension to coco's vet that she peed all over herself in the night without waking up. That can't be normal.
32. Mariselle said:
Awesomeness.
33. Hayley said:
I am so sad that no one at work reads your site because I cannot explain properly why I find it so funny that your husband called your newborn "Mike Hamilton".
Thanks for the laughs! Here's to many many more years of it.
Happy birthday. Hope there will be less pee in the comming year. At least on your walls/carpet/family. :)
34. kate forte said:
hahaha! best. post. EVER! you deserve it number 26!!!
35. Meagan said:
Have you noticed how the grass in your yard is green? GREEN? Because I have.
36. Sarah said:
I am DYING from laughing!! That was priceless.
Happy Birthday to you, #26 (and congratulations...that totally kicks ass).
37. shriek house said:
I don't know why I enjoy reading about the bodily effluvia – dog or human – in your household so much, but I do.
Happy Birthday 26!
38. Carynski said:
TWENTY-SIX!!!!!! yeeeeah, baby!! Congratulations, and happy birthday! That's fantastic news. Great post - laughed me arse off.
39. Cathy said:
This is why I love your blog. You're never going to see Oprah in underwear with a hose screaming, "Number one, bitches."
Happy birthday.
40. Golden said:
Nice to know your homeboys(and girls!) are keeping it real for ya!
Congratulations and Happy Birthday!
41. Anonymous said:
Soledad is 29!
42. lindsaywillman said:
I'm not gonna lie, 26 is pretty badass. Congratulations Heather.
43. Lesa said:
Happy Birthday! 26 rocks!!!
44. Brandy said:
Happy Birthday Heather!!
I'm sorry you were covered in dog pee for it!
45. Brad said:
Holy crap, woman. You're doing your mid-30s up right!
Thanks for the laugh. Perspective is everything and it's good that you can laugh at the bat shit insanity that is life. Love it.
46. Lisa S-H said:
See, I knew you were special. And I mean that in a very smart nice way, not the "other" way. I've been reading your blog for about 4-5 years now. You always crack me up. You have a NorCal kind of sense of humor, just like me and all my friends in SF. And it's nice that the rest of America recognizes it too, especially Forbes, which is not liberal at all. See, your Blog really means something to many people! I'm happy for you and Congrats!
47. Jessica said:
Omigosh......crying hysterically right now. I thought I was having the best day ever, and this new edition has seled the deal for me. I don't know you, but I love you and you bring me so much freaking joy. Happy Birthday.....
48. Ev said:
Okay, so now my boss comes over and wants to know what I'm laughing so LOUDLY about...thanks, Heather!
49. mo'brien mommy said:
Congrats Heather! You are deserving of the Forbes list honor.
So...when you're done cleaning up Coco's piss off the walls/floor, could ya let us know more about your birth story? I'm so intrigued to read about it, especially since I'm a gal who loved my c-section and would do it again in a heartbeat.
50. Scott said:
You have the patience of a saint, Heather. I would've gotten rid of Coco months ago. Maybe there's a local sheep farm that would take her. I'm not being a jerk; I'm seriously thinking of Coco. She's a working dog, not a pet. Her brain (such as it is) is telling her to herd things and she's got little to herd, so naturally she's going to endlessly do things like piss all over herself, etc.
51. kitt said:
Happy 26! Er, birthday! Happy birthday! And 26! And 34!
52. nikki said:
You totally deserve #26. Finally those dicks over at Forbes got something right!
53. Sharon said:
Much congrats! That is amazing. And happy birthday : )
54. Plano Mom said:
You're number twenty-six precisely because of posts like that one - unbefuckingleivably hilarious!
55. jen said:
I usually don't comment, but when I was reading this, I realized that there were only 26 comments, so it seemed like I should.
Congratulations on both being 26, and also on Marlo's birth and life!
56. Tiffany said:
At least it wasn't poo or vomit...
57. Liesel said:
Only you. Only you could make me laugh so hard right here in my kitchen all by myself while my own no-brained animals bounce themselves off the handle of my back door to be let in. Only you.
Congrats and happy happy birthday you funny, funny woman. Also, influential.
58. Tamara from ModernGearTV said:
Oh, the visuals!!! Congratulations on...ALL OF IT!! Happy birthday to you.
Tamara
59. Anonymous said:
You're hysterical, I love it!! Congrats on the 26!! I read the article and the list, and I think maybe you could've been a little higher up! :)
60. Julie said:
And it's this kind of post exactly that keeps me coming back for more. Which I guess means that it's this kind of post that makes you 26, bitches!!!
61. Anonymous said:
Oh my god. I have had almost the exact same morning a few months back. But mine was a dog covered in poop. Runny poop. Sadly I am number nothin'. lol
62. E. Christopher Clark said:
I'm hoping that, by waiting a few extra minutes to comment, I will be number twenty-six.
No? Darn...
Thanks for the awesome story. Wow. That actually kinda turned my day around.
And made me not want to ever own a dog.
63. Jennifer said:
Best. Post. EVER.
64. Meg said:
You really do have a unique voice. No one does it quite like you! I've always enjoyed your writing style and think you do an amazing job at this thing called blogging. Congratulations and happy birthday!
65. Ange said:
ha ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho ho, ha ha ha ha! I can't stop laughing. ha ha ha ha!
I'm both mortified and have the utmost EMPATHY for you!!
But before all that laughter/empathy came, I wished you an awesome birthday. And for what it's worth I think you're WAY more influential in my life than Oprah or any other woman on that list.
Kudos to you #26.
66. Liesel said:
Also, am dying, DYING, for the second half of the birth story. I, who am terrified of anything having to do with Pain, childbirth much included, NEED to read the second half. When you get a chance, of course.
67. R. Wallis @ True Beauty said:
Wow! Wow! Wow! I'm headed over to the article asap!!! Congrats Heather!
I likened myself to you....well except for the liberal nature and the decision to endure natural childbirth....So, Maybe I'll make it to Forbes one day when I single handedly reform our nation's health care system or maybe even for my blogging scrumptiousness or for my superwoman skills....Just take your pick :)
Congrats!
68. Jessica Hayes said:
Number 26-you are f'in AWESOME! I adore you, your website and your family. I hope that you have already ordered yourself a t-shirt with a giant number 26 on it to wear around town. How do all those dooce hater jackasses feel now hmmmmm? NUMBER 26 you a**holes! Go dooce!!!
69. Anonymous said:
It makes me have hope for everything that you are more influential than Ann Coulter. According to Forbes, not Utne Reader or something. That is so good.
Your friend,
Dewey Gigolo (my new capcha tag!)
70. Melinda said:
Congratulations. Personally I think you deserve to be much higher on that list, but 26 is pretty awesome. Good luck with the dog pee clean up. I recall a day shortly after getting my dog that he had diarrhea in his crate overnight. It was a horror.
71. misstraceynolan said:
Suggestion for the Dooce gift shop:
T-shirt reading "Twenty-six, bitches!" with a faux milk stain under the left boob.
Congrats. You deserve all of the honours they can throw at you!
72. Helen Tarnation said:
Kids and dogs always have a way of keeping you grounded and knocking you right off that high horse, don't they??
Congrats...and again, Marlo is a beauty!
73. WackyMummy said:
Congrats. But OMG did you ever make me laugh! I had to read it again, it was that good. (Sounds almost as good as one of my birthdays.) Of course, it was Coco that tied everything together. And now I've let my waffles burn. Oops! =)
74. Melli said:
I don't know about INFLUENTIAL, but you sure are a hell of a lot of fun to read!
75. Brooke said:
Okay, this post is amazingly amazing. What a great way to start off 34, 26! Congratulations and Happy Birthday ;)
76. No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane said:
Congrats on 26. And you have always kept me way more entertained than K. Couric, so...yeah. You should be like 5.
Oh, Happy birthday too!!!
77. Amy said:
I am feeling strongly influenced by this post. So much, in fact, that I'm going to go pee all over my dog, just so she can shake it and the walls by MY back door can look just like YOURS!
Then I'm going to try breastfeeding my kids, too, so they can make newborn poops like Marlo's. So what if my kids are (nearly) 4 and 2.5? And weaned?
THAT, my dear, is how influential you are, even though you won't be my Facebook friend. Congratulations!
78. Shelly said:
First of all, you rock. Second, you only rock so hard because you are so real all the time. THAT's why you're #26.
CONGRATS!
79. Kara said:
That's AMAZING! Happy Birthday and Happy 26!!!
80. Elizabeth said:
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read! And why you are on the list. Go #26! Congrats.
81. Dawn said:
I'm so happy for you I nearly shed a tear. Congrats! Well deserved. Bravo! High five! :)
82. Alyxherself said:
How long have I been reading this site? 6 years? 7? and this here is the funniest post you have ever written. You are the female equiv of David Sedaris. Funny, self-depreciating, and always wtht a gentle life lesson tossed in like vitamins in fudge. The perfect mom.
83. Bridget said:
The Ann Coulter comment sounds like it came from my hubby and my dad!!
Laughed and laughed. Thanks for being number 26 and giving us a hilarious description of the special events surrounding this honor.
84. Tracylea said:
I'm stoked for you and yours! You deserve to be 26. I'll even go so far as to say in this household you are far above a 26. You are right in our top ten. Okay I'm trying to not scare you because really you are our one and only influential woman in media around here. We adore you. And I adore (and yet feel slightly guilty) that I chuckled through the entire coco half of your entry.
85. Jessica said:
It does not escape me that Soledad O'brien is after you. I remember when you were interviewed by her and how impressed (intimidated?) you were, and now according to Forbes you are three places on the list higher than her. That is amazing, Heather.
Thanks for the daily dose of body fluids! Love Dooce dot com!
86. Alexandra R said:
I've been visiting your site for years, but never commented. I was just reading this entry while nursing our firstborn, and I really had to try and contain myself so as to not spaz out the baby. I'm mainly writing because out of all the things I've read, it's so good to know that your baby makes all those noises while they sleep too, because it was really freaking us out... Love the photos, and all the stories about you, Jon, your kids, and the dogs (among other things). Keep it up, #26! (And while I was preoccupied typing this, our baby was quietly losing her lunch all over me... unbelievable. So not making that up.)
87. justanotherjenn said:
Remember when Soledad O'brien interviewed you and you wrote about her awesomeness? And her skin and her even more awesomeness?
And remember when you BEAT HER ON THE LIST? Sweet bitches.
88. Eloise said:
Funniest post ever.
Happy birthday.
89. Anony-mouse said:
Can I just tell you that your being number 26th on this list makes me more happy than is reasonable considering you are technically a stranger to me? I feel vindicated in loving you so much by you getting this recognition!
I am SO tired of these assholes who blog and are CONSTANTLY congratulating themselves on being blogluxe's doosh bag of the year or mommydumbfuck's most hialrious blog. THEY ACTUALLY BEG THEIR READERS FOR VOTES AND ENTICE THEM WITH GIVEAWAYS. Their blogs are horseshit and their posts are forced attemps at hilarity and irony that I'm convinced are mostly made up or at least the sarcasm is so poorly done that you think the idiot is making it up. I know I shouldn't be reading their blogs, but I've had friends who recommended them to me and now that I've read the shit they post I can't stop checking to see how bad it gets and how long it'll go on. This is the truth, one such asswipe recently wrote that she is a "literary blogger" not one of thos "mommy bloggers" because she is a "professional."
Now on to the ass kissing part - if you even read this far in my rant. :0) Your writing is amazing; it is a perfect blend of sarcasm and truth and heart that makes every post a freaking unbelievable joy to read. I have laughed out loud at your posts and I have cried my eyes out at your posts. I have re-read some 10-15 times because some of them are truly beautiful. I am not even kidding, that is the truth. And I recently went back on anti-depressants (this is me, feeling better, scary right) because of what you've written about your stuggles.
In closing, will you please make a stupid ass bright pink BUTTON for your sidebar declaring your numberhood? Make it flash and beep and morph into a photo of you in your milk stained shirt. Please?
90. Brooke said:
Dude, that was as fucked up as a football bat!! You will seriously never forget this birthday. Hope the rest of your special day was awesome, and congratulations number 26!!!
91. avis said:
Hurray! And Happy Birthday. You rock!
92. Julie said:
I turned 34 on Saturday. Happy birthday to you!
93. Sarcastica said:
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Second, I died laughing at this post lmao. You definitely are number twenty-six!
94. Charlotte said:
Wow--congrats! Did the Avon World Sales Leader raise her forefinger admonishingly and say "Next year, it'll be number 19?" That's how I imagine her.
As to the Jackson-Pollock-piss-art on your walls: You could sell that to the Utah Museum of Art as a poop-and-performance installation; you know, like the famous chair with grease on it. For that, you'd have to encourage Coco to expel a little more of her bodily, ahem, "juices." Or include her in the exhibit. Because, after all, you're number twenty-six.
95. joy said:
congrats on 26! and 34 and everything else.
can't wait to read the birth story part dooce.
96. Lauren said:
Heather, congratulations. And that sucks - all at the same time. And I know, because I spent a good part of my last birthday cleaning human poo stains out of the carpet (they were the work of my toddler).
97. 35 and single said:
lol bloody awesome.. after that you should be at 25 at least..
Happy birthday!
PS one of my recaptcha validation words is "bitchier"
98. KJ said:
I can't f'ing believe that Oprah beat you out for the #1! Seriously...she has nothing on Dooce! Congrats and Happy Birthday.
99. bonnie said:
a fucking hilarious post. go #26!
100. Mander said:
It was the best of birthdays, it was the worst of birthdays."
So wonderful to see that you can keep your sense of humor about things happening unexpectedly.
(PS: fark.com has a filter in place specifically to avoid the "OMG I'm first post!" routine. It might be worth looking into so that folks stay focused on the task at hand.)
101. Stephanie said:
Damn, that is amazing! Congrats! And Coco should be proud she has number 26 to chase her around with a hose. That was hilarious.
102. marsha marsha marsha said:
holy crap, i just realized i'm old enough to be your mother
103. Erica said:
Hilarious! Hope the day only got better from there. Would love to have been looking over the fence at the circus going on in your yard.
104. RJ said:
Congrats No 26 (and please say Ann Coulter wasn't on the list) and Happy Birthday. I needed that blog - hormonal/pregnancy tears all morning and now smiles :) Thankyou!
105. motheroffive said:
Congratulations on your Forbes list placement! Vis a vis the flying squirrel and Coco- we had an Australian shepherd (regular size) that would catch a frisbee until her mouth bled, and still want to keep on catching. She lived to be 17 1/2. So you have a lot to look forward to.
106. sybann said:
And that post right there is one of the many reasons you deserve it Twenty Six!
GO Heather!
107. Karen said:
26 - because you make the rest of us feel better about ourselves when we have days just like this. And it happens to me more often than I can count!
108. Anonymous said:
i am crying i am laughing so hard as i read your blog and countdown til 5 pm and home to my 12 week old. i am relating to so many things here it's absurd. happy birthday 26!
109. Darciek said:
This entire post is hilarious. Good job. Congratulations!
110. Shannon Lee Smith said:
You have helped many people by sharing your life stories! That makes you influential! You make people laugh, cry, angry and pee their pants! That makes you influential! So CONGRATS #26 and THANK YOU for living your life your own way!
Leave it to Coco to keep you humble! :D
111. Kristen said:
Congratulations on your well-deserved place on the list.
Glad to see that you are getting so much respect from those who matter :)
112. Anonymous said:
I couldn't find any mention of you on the site. What a convoluted piece of crap Forbes.com is! No idea how you found it buried in there.
But congratulations.
113. Lucy said:
This is one of the funniest posts I've read on this site.
Congrats Heather, and Happy Birthday!
114. Angela said:
Congratulations and happy birthday!! I don't think there are chunks of flourescent poo in Good Housekeeping, but there should be.
115. Monica said:
"the other hand pointing proudly to the giant milk stain underneath my left boob, and yelled, "Twenty-six, bitches!"
That is right... Twenty-six!
Congratulations (and all of the above) and let me tell you I have not laughed this hard in a long time.. because the mental picture - PRICELESS!
116. Polly said:
Dear Heather,
Disheveled woman chases piss covered dog while congratulating self loudly to the skies: a funny story in itself. But in your hands, it's absolutely charming and joyful. My dad used to warn my little sister "You can't get through life on just cute, y'know!" He was bluffing--she could have, but instead she developed many other wonderful qualities and skills as she grew up. I bet you could have gotten through life on just charm, but we'll never know, since you are talented in so many ways.
117. Jennifer said:
I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard. And I mean that.
Congrats on making the list...although I must say, after that story, I think you deserve to be much higher than 26.
118. Marianne said:
God damn, woman, you are funny.
119. Stephanie said:
Congrats!
And that counts as sleeping through the night? I'm not being bitchy, but everyone kept telling me that our baby had to go 5-6 hours without waking up to eat, so I've been bummed, but he regularly wakes up to eat and immediately falls back asleep...he usually even nurses while sleeping. Awesome!
120. Stephanie said:
Oh! and Happy Birthday!
121. Sarie said:
Hilarious.
Yep.. still laughing..
xo
122. Emily said:
Congratulations! That's so exciting! And exciting for us to get to read about it and feel vicariously more successful. So, thanks. :)
Thinking of Coco, though, peeing a lot and not waking up to tell you--sounds to me like a urinary tract infection. She made a li'l visit to the vet.
123. Mary said:
Awesome post.
Happy Birthday!
124. TamiA said:
Happy Birthday 26! And Congratulations! Awesome post, woman.
125. Taryn said:
Happy Birthday! Also, congrats on number 26 and the set of wicked cool damp boob laps around the backyard. Women have such different lives from men sometimes...
126. Kristin said:
Congratulations! You deserve it.
127. Kimba said:
I thought my Aussie was the only one that hates water.
Congrats and happy birthday! You totally deserve it. I prefer you to Oprah, personally.
128. barara, jessicas mom said:
I saw a couple walking a dog in NYC. When asked the breed, the man, w/o missing a beat, said Mexican Brainless. I wonder what stories they could share.
Congratulations on everything. Barbara
129. amie said:
Congrats 26! As usual, reading Dooce makes me feel totally inadequate but you do rock baby poop and dog pee like nobody's business!
130. Debbie in Memphis said:
Happy late birthday! Hope you have a wonderful year!
131. Jessica said:
LMAO. You are hilarious!
Congrats and Happy Birthday, #26!
132. Lynn @ human, being said:
OMFG that is the funniest thing you've written in a long time. I really needed that laugh in the midst of editing a very boring scientific paper about DNA and cancer. So thank you, thank you very much.
And happy birthday.
133. Katie said:
holy shit...i'm dying of laughter.
thank you for that, Ms. Twenty-six!!!
134. Melissa said:
Nastiness on the piss - but I guess the carpet had to get broken in somehow! It was only a matter of time before the kids beat the dog to it! ;o)
Happy belated birthday and Congrats on twenty-six!
135. stacy said:
the wit, the charm, the humour - and that is why... you are number twenty f*&#ing six my friend!!!
happy birthday.
136. Annie said:
Congrats Forbes #26 and living one more year. My mom still tries to sing the primary birthday song to me – so sad. I feel the need to tell you how happy I was to read this particular post. This past weekend my friend and I had a (drunken) debate with our husbands about you. I vaguely recall using the phrase "well we love Dooce so suck it!" Quite eloquent I know. Now your #26 in Forbes just rests our point! I am getting ready to email the losers of the Dooce debate the article in the Tribune. I hope you are getting all geared up for another crazy Utah holiday. Pie and beer day – I mean Pioneer Day.
We love Dooce so suck it #27.
137. Trish said:
Oh for the lova....as if you weren't funny enough! That was awesome! Congrats, #26! You deserve it!!! (Not the pissfest, the recognition!)
Happy birthday!
138. Anonymous said:
Ah, but surely the true measure of your influence will be known by how fast the name Marlo rises to #26 on the baby name lists.
Congrats and Happy Birthday!
139. Leesavee said:
Can you believe that someone from BARTLETT was Number Twenty-SIX???
Even harder to believe: Kathie Lee Gifford was AHEAD of you on the list.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, and may Year Thirty-Four be better than Number Twenty-Six.
And OHMYGOD...visions of Coco are dancing in my head. You are some kind of funny, Heather. Between the pee and the Marlo poo, you totally made my day! :)
140. Jonathan said:
I imagine this has been said to you before, but Coco would be perfect for dog agility contests.
141. stephanie said:
That is TOO funny...
Happy Belated Birthday...
and Congratulations on 26...
not to shabby...
142. Maggie said:
They don't call it a "birthday suit" for nothing...you were so close!
Thanks for the serious LOL at work! Happy Birthday & congrats on 26! :)
143. JIll Put Up A Blog said:
26 bitches!! That is so funny! Congratulations:)!
144. lynnhowell said:
Congrats on 26 and 34!
145. witchypoo said:
Happy Birthday! Twenty six! The piss part? Washes off. Hope you found a willing cleaner. Such excellent news. Thanks for making me laugh consistently.
146. MommiePie said:
Twenty six is the #1 of the 2nd quarter. Q2 #1 if you will. And, that's exactly where you'd want to be because as soon as you crack the top 25, then you have "people" to clean up after your poop shootin' babe and pee sprinkler dog instead of relishing in the experience of actually, like, living the dream and keepin' it real and all that shit and then what would you blog about?
147. Lisa Gallien said:
Quite possibly your best post ever. I am still laughing.
148. Mandinka said:
I don't know how, but something happened when you were creating little Marlo in your loins. You're writing is so much more "visual" now. You have always been fabulous, mind you, but you've really kicked it up big time!
149. Amy said:
Ah, new carpet. Ours was begging for neon pink marker the day of installation and then dog barf a few days later.
Happy, happy birthday! You rock #26!
150. Anonymous said:
I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I think you cured me of the anxiety I've been suffering from.
151. robyn said:
TWENTY SIX!!!!! Good job!
152. Anonymous said:
Fuck Yeah 26, you frakkin kill it
153. shelleybelly said:
Great post, Heather!
154. Jenny said:
Heather, it is no surprise that you are #26. You are hilarious and I just about peed my pants after reading this post. Congrats!
155. Beth said:
Honestly, your real number is at least #24 because Ann Curry and Kathy Lee Gifford have NO PLACE on that list. And do you think that Soledad is totally jealous that you bested her on the list???
Congrats. And Happy Birthday!
156. Anonymous said:
Hahahahaha! Freaking hilarious #26!! Brilliant. Congrats.
157. Devra Andersen said:
Congratulations! Now with the loose liquor laws in this beloved city, we will have to cheers with 26 shots or something to celebrate! And happy birthday! Cancers are amazing!
158. Lorena said:
Yay Dooce!
I must admit, I felt a little ridiculous when I heard about your newfound fame, because I felt like WOOHOO I KNOW SOMEONE FAMOUS.
And then I remembered I do not actually know you. But it seems like it, because you share your life with us so witty. Thank you. The end.
159. Amy said:
To poster 100... I have been reading this blog for no less than 6 years now. I have commented numerous times. And while I don't do the first thing... let me tell you this. I logged on to look and see if Heather posted any new pictures. I saw she did. Then a moment later there was a whole new post up. I got excited. That's never happened before in checking this site 5 days a week for 6 years. So did I do the completely juvenile thing and post a first? You betcha... And unlike most people who do it did I actually end up being first... you betcha... and I didn't just post innane garble, I made sure to add something to it with a compliment. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, high and mighty 100. I earned my "first" post. I mean, it's not as good as Heather's 26... but it made me happy. The ONE time I ever post a "first" and I have a fun-sucker like you passively agressively chastising me for it. Piss off. Heather rocks. You, on the other hand, suck. Cheers!
160. Anonymous said:
I am new to this site and as a mom with two young babes (ages 2 and 4 months) I am finding it real interesting reading and a great sounding board. Congrats on being #26!
161. Lorena said:
Oops. That was supposed to be wittily. I will clearly never be as talented as you, since I cannot even spell. Sad days.
162. sheila said:
Happy Birthday - get rid of that dog!!! Find her a good home
163. Alexa said:
Dooce, how I love thee, let me count the ways. Ah Heather, you make me laugh on a day when I TOTALLY NEEDED IT! THANK YOU!!!! You are TOTALLY #26!
164. Marinka said:
Yeah, Forbes is totally smoking something. Because 26, my ass. Top 10, baby. (And I don't mean Marlo).
165. nelking said:
If that's the kind of humbling you get for being TWENTY SIX, imagine what happened to Oprah!
Congrats on 34 and 26!
166. Amy said:
this is EXACTLY why I read your site first thing every morning....
thank you for making me laugh!
167. Meghan said:
Happy Birthday! Congratulations!
And, . . . "Twenty-six, bitches" . . . still laughing.
168. Anonymous said:
This is the best humble pie story I have ever read. (And congrats, by the way).
169. Deborah said:
Congrats! Well-deserved!
170. Keep On S'myelin! said:
Happy Birthday, Twenty-Six! Congratulations!
If I could count the number of times I've made up new swear words because my cat pee'd on our floor, couch, brand.new.area rug (it wasn't even in the house for 24 hours, biatch!), I'd be rolling in some serious money! Hence, the reason we haven't bought new furniture or carpet eventhough I think our friends are catching on to the "my kids spilled apple juice" excuse.
171. Anne said:
Happy Birthday to a well-deserved Number 26. (Just think how your family would have reacted if you'd been Number 2 - doesn't bear thinking about!)
172. Tim said:
Amazing! I'm sorry your birthday got off to a bad start, but I appreciate you sharing and giving me a much needed laugh today. Congrats on your honor 26!
173. Sobrina said:
Congratulations! I think you might have died twice then -- once when you found out you made #26 and then again with Coco. That's pretty amazing considering you still had enough energy to chase after her and want to clean her up :) Happy birthday btw!!
174. Liss said:
CONGRATS!!!! You so deserve the honor. Oh, and a happy birthday, too.
175. teki said:
Congrats...but about Coco. I had a female choc lab that wet in her sleep, turns out she had a hormone problem due to being spayed. She didn't have enough circulating hormone to keep her bladder sphincter tight. Attractive, I know. Anyway, the vet have us pills, which she took every day. Hope it was just an accident, but if not, could be this. Keep on writing 26!
176. Anonymous said:
I take it back (I was #112). I went back and found a mention of you directly in the article's last paragraph. I shouldn't have left that comment teh way I did. I had been looking for a linear list and their format frustrated the bejeezus out of me.
So double congrats on being named 26 most influential, but also on being hand picked for a mention in the article! I hope you have many more years of success.
And a belated Happy Birthday too!
177. Beyond Alice said:
Congratulations - you TOTALLY deserve it!!! I don't know which is worse, dog piss or CAT piss, but either way...YIKES. I hope the rest of your birthday went much better! :) Happy birthday, and congrats again!!!
178. Sara said:
Wow, that is one impressive story. Congrats on the honor and enjoy it!
179. Julie said:
Congratulations! I am so proud to be one of your readers. Your blog makes me cry and laugh all at the same time :) Very happy birthday wishes to you...
180. Katie said:
WOO-HOO! Rock on sister sledge!
181. Kelly said:
For the funniest part of the comments section, read comment #26.
182. cath said:
first: thank you for the monday morning laugh - from myself (who read it first hand), and my mother (who listened to me read it (with emphasis) over the phone) ...
second: tell your dad the world won't explode quite yet - you are still behind the psycho-crazy-republican-freak nancy grace. when you beat her, THEN the liberals will have accomplished all their evil plots.
183. Labradoris said:
Your neighbors must LOVE you!
Congrats #26!
184. Monkey said:
I wonder what they consider the "influential" part of the list. I mean, Oprah doesn't influence me to do shit. Just the opposite, in fact. I'm anti-Oprah. I do secretly peek at her magazine while at the vet's office though...hmmm... But I'd be lying if I said what you posted in Daily Style, etc hadn't influenced me in some way, shape or form. So you rank higher than Oprah in my book.
And Coco...Just goes to show you, no matter how high you can be feeling, there's always a dog (or child) readily available to piss all over the good times. Sigh. God love 'em.
185. Anonymous said:
Happy Birthday, but please PLEASE write part two of your delivery already!!! I am pregnant currently and read your part one...immediately Netflixed The Business of Being Born, ordered Your Best Birth from Amazon and have been blown away by both. I've got to know how your delivery went, as I am going with a hospital birth as well, and am wondering how the whole natural thing went in the facility. I am considering hiring a doula....So, as you can see, I am desperate for answers! Thanks
186. April Smith said:
First of all Happy Birthday and Congrats on being #26.
Secondly, I have to say I love they description you use when you write. You can just imagine these events and see them playing out in a little thought bubble .... it makes it all that much better!
187. Christy said:
this is the funniest fucking blog that i've ever read. thx heather & happy b-day.
188. starshine said:
Congratulations, Heather!
I believe it is because you have been so willing to share your life with us (the real life...not the fake one that looks airbrushed) that you have become so influential in the media.
I think, perhaps, that it is through your willingness to be vulnerable with your readership that your influence has grown.
Thank you for letting us know you from the inside out. It is a rare gift!
Congrats, Miss 26!
xo,
Starshine
189. the niffer said:
You are so deserving of #26 or even better and this post proves it. Happy birthday - I hope your day got better after the Pollack Pee incident.
190. earthtoholly said:
Congratulations, Dooce & Co., for the #26...that is awesome! I don't often comment, but consistently drop by as I and my Border-Collie mix, Lucy, are in love with Chuck and Coco. And then there's your excellent photography and belly-laughin' commentary...
By the way, Happy Birthday!
191. Jill Pilgrim said:
Number 26!! Go Dooce!!! Also my word verification was, pushes wife- you're blog is sending me some dangerous messages.
192. Anonymous said:
Congratulations and Happy Birthday!
Great post :)
193. Anonymous said:
Best. Post. Ever.
194. Dawn said:
This!!! This is why Forbes put you on the list. This post rocks our socks off, woman!
Number twenty-six, bitches! YEAH!
195. Tanya said:
I bet Oprah never runs around in her underwear, and that's why she's number one!
Congrats, Heather! And Happy Birthday!
196. Kristan said:
OMFG this is why I LOVE YOU.
I was totally going to just say "Happy birthday" and "Congrats" until I got to the Coco part. Now I am going to go make an altar to you and the Dog Without a Brain and worship for the rest of the night.
(NOT CREEPY AT ALL.)
197. firerobin said:
Above Erin Burnett & Maria Bartiromo .... NICE!
198. repliderium.com said:
BEST BIRTHDAY MORNING EVER!
199. Liz C said:
Happy 34, indeed. I'm sure it's been said (I lack the patience to read the go-billion comment ahead of me) but this post right here is why we love you and why you're #26. Rawk on. And thanks to you I will never own a Miniature Australian Shepherd.
200. Dawn said:
This? THIS??? Deserves a patented, trade-marked Marlo Mike-Hamilton-style fist in the air. Because TWENTY-SIX, BEEYOTCHES!!!
Well done!
201. Mandi said:
Thank you for the Monday laugh. I love your blog and completely understand why you are on the "list". Congratulations & Happy Birthday!
202. Amy J said:
TWENTY SIX!!!!! That is so amazing. Congratulations!!! I wish I could think of something witty to say, but my brain is fried and it's only effin Monday.
203. Vee said:
Holy wow-I laughed so hard! What an awesome way to begin your mid-thirties. I love the juxtaposition between this story and the awesome “I’m number 26 story,” it’s making for great story telling already.
Thanks for the laughs. xoxo
204. Rachael D. said:
Heather,
I admire how comfortable you are with yourself! Congratulations #26!
-Rachael D.
205. Lisa said:
Oh, my Lord--you are such a painter! I can see what you are writing, and it nearly made me splatter my urine all over.
Happy birthday, Heather. Wow. What a year.
206. Roadchix Girl said:
And this posting is why you're on the list. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I think you should be higher though. Happy Birthday!
207. Natballs said:
You made it into Forbes?! Holy crapola- congrats!
208. Susan said:
Happy Birthday Heather. Excellent post. However, Daily Chuck does not mean Coco. I want my Chuck, I miss my Chuck...everyone's a critic.
209. Red said:
sosososo funny. happy belated. :)
210. SwedishPankakes said:
Happy birthday, twenty-six!
211. Susan D. said:
Oh, I lost count at how many times I laughed out loud. Thank you. Congratulations on 26!
212. Matin said:
WOW thats amazing, congrats, thats a great Bday present:-) and the post was so funny too:-)
X M
213. Seajay said:
That would have made a great daily photo....well, maybe not to you.
214. Keri said:
Dear god, you are hilarious! I love your story-telling, please don't ever stop! Congratulations #26, and I hope your birthday went uphill from there!
215. Lisa said:
I laughed, I cried.....gosh how very cool to be honored for being YOU!
It will now be okay to talk about body parts and bodily functions because of the influence of NUMBER 26!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reminds me of when my son was learning to spell and we used to play dirty word hangman at the beach. Ah good times and imaginative parenting......
216. Brea said:
Outstanding! I loved your post today! It was all over the place; breatfeeding and poop, urine-soaked miniature dog, Jackson Pollock, Forbes and Good Housekeeping. You truly do rock it, Twenty-Six.
I would speculate that you've considered giving up this gig from time to time from the sheer frustration of it, plus the demand it puts on both you and Jon. I hope that being #26 confirms the fact that your writing has made a place and a name for yourself in the Internet community and beyond. You are the shit, Heather. I am very proud!
217. Marisa said:
Love. It. Happy birthday. :)
218. Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said:
I caught your most influential standing in one of the Utah newspapers while I was in Happy Valley visiting family. Not a bad little write up.
That was right before we took off to the Provo Sam's Club to buy pasta and meat in bulk. While looking on the bookshelves I had the profound urge to place postits over "Glenn Beck's Common Sense" in order to retitle the idiocy.
Glenn Beck's Cheese Induced Constipation
Glenn Beck's One Position Kama Sutra
Glenn Beck's Psychic Predictions and Barbecue Tips
Was it reading about your influence that further influence me to only sort of deface books in Sam's?
No...but I'll let you think it. Happy Birthday.
219. j.cro said:
Congratulation!
Happy Birthday!
And thank you for making me laugh out loud.
220. Heather L. said:
Best post yet. Loved it.
221. this new place said:
just be sure that before you go out on Oprah and they do a closeup, you have someone check you for spit up. (or make sure your shirt isn't on backwards). Not that I have been on Oprah, but when I had my second baby, I often went out and had art shows and some photo sessions and I;d have to redress because I never left the house in one piece.
222. Shalini said:
hiz-lair-ious!!!!!!hahahaaaaaaaa
i love it! Way to go #26!
223. Jenny said:
Oh holy hell. That's one of the funniest posts I've read in ages.
224. Lis said:
This post had me teetering on the brink of insane howling laughter in the middle of my office -- wanting to maintain the image that I am sound of mind, I bit my tongue.
Happy birthday, and congrats on also being 26! 26 at 34 :D What a great week!
225. Jenny said:
F-ing hilarious!!!
226. Kelli Taylor said:
Oh my gosh, I needed that good laugh. Those of us who aren't 26 and still have days like that! I hope your birthday got MUCH better!
227. HippieChyck said:
you go!
228. Anonymous 5000 said:
Ditto to what #89 Anony-mouse said. I wish I were as clever.
229. Meredith said:
Brilliant post Heather! An excellent reminder that our crappiest moments can at least serve as entertainment. Happy birthday and congratulations, you influential media woman you.
230. cj coats said:
and THAT article right there is why you are twenty-six!! keepin' it real for the masses
231. Linda Atkins said:
Well, congratulations to you! Right on. And happy birthday!
232. Frost said:
I am a little bit non-sexually in love with you, Twenty-Six. And not because you're Number Twenty-Six, but because you write things like what you just wrote.
Brilliant.
233. Lorie said:
You should seriously consider constant video feed of the backyard so that Jon could have shared with us later. Congrats on #26, Happy Birthday and for some reason when I read lately I worry about Chuck. He must be most worrisome over all these activities in the house.
234. Stacie said:
Wow! You just went A-list. Congratulations!
235. Hollie said:
Sweetie, I hate to tell you; you have some work to do. Kathie Lee is #13. I hope you beat her next year - you are so much more relatable!
Happy Birthday and Congrats!
236. Amanda said:
happy 26, or 34. tomorrow is my baby's three week birthday. and your blog and your book have been my saving grace through this pregnancy and this new life with baby. your post today should move you to number one on the forbes list. no way oprah could pen a post like today's. thanks for saving my life, for three weeks now, with your humor, honesty and bravery.
237. Cheryl Arkison said:
I want to think you make this shit up for our entertainment, but no one could make up that combination of information.
Happy Birthday and Congratulations.
238. Mary said:
Congrats Heather - on your bday and #26. I just finished "It Sucked and Then I Cried". Kudos for being brave enough to try that again. Jon needs to be nominated for sainthood. I know why you are on the list - you speak to young women, you are not afraid to tell the truth,we can relate to you. That pic of your 2 girls was so wonderful. Leta is getting to be a beauty - watch out when she gets to be a teen! Marlo is adorable. I have read your blogs for 2 years and have never made a comment. You have outdone yourself with this entry. LOL all the time when reading.
239. Jenny said:
you are amazing twenty-six. truly amazing...
240. Anonymous said:
Rock freakin' on...that is batshit insane!
241. Anonymous said:
Dude. You're HIGHER than SOLEDAD O'BRIEN.
242. Melissa said:
LMAO! Dude, I am totally seeing the whole Coco scene playing out in slow motion to the song "Carmina Burana by Carl Orff".
243. Hollie said:
PS - This also makes me feel less crazy for, when I first stumbled upon your blog Jan 2008, feaverishly reading every single (current & archived) post of yours in a two month span. I needed to read your life like I needed air to breathe. (in a non-psycho way, of course.)
244. Heather said:
Seriously, this may be among the best of all your posts ever. Utterly rediculous and utterly real.
Oh and congrats :)
245. Melissa said:
Wow, 26! Thats amazing, congratulations on all you life has brought you this past month! Enjoy every minute of it.
246. Ann said:
Congratulations and I so enjoyed how Coco tried to rain on your parade. That's life isn't it? I discovered your web-site earlier this year after seeing you on Oprah and became hooked. I love your attitude and the way you put yourself out there with honesty and humor. Keep it up!
247. Mrs Chaos said:
That is just awesome. Being #26...and Coco's masterpiss.
Also, happy belated birthday!
248. Nikki said:
...and my mother threw herself over my casket and yelled, "Twenty-sixxxxxxxx!"
Oh hell that was hillarious.
Happy b-day, 26!
249. Alejandra said:
i'm crying my eyes out!!! this is so funny!
you're so so funny!
thanks a lot for sharing and make me smile everyday
best post ever!
congratulations for your B-day and most of all for this non-fair 26... certainly it should be on the top 10
love ya
250. MM3 said:
You are so ridiculously funny, my 4 year old might actually call you redonkulously funny! That was a killer post. And you are much, much funnier than Oprah, Barbara Walters, etc. That was truly fall-down funny. Could have been a page from any one of my days...all you can do is laugh! Keep on trucking, mama/26/funny lady!
251. deb said:
You got it going on girl. Too funny.
252. Tarynn said:
When they make the movie of your life I have a feeling this event will be a major scene. You (played by ? Isla Fisher or somebody equally cute and quirky) and your fam all cuddled up on your birthday, as you just so happen to open Forbes and get the good news...
And the next thing you know you're in crisis mode,dealing with pee and baby poo and milk flying out of your boobs while you run around the yard screaming "I beat Soledad O'Brien!I don't need this shit!" over and over in your panties. And your freaky Utah neighbors will be peeking over the fence. Looking at each other, terrified by the heathen next door. And their pervy teenage son will be vidotaping from upstairs, and next thing you know you're in a grainy picture in a tabloid -- "Celebrities! They're Just Like US!
Clearly I've put some thought into this.
I really wonder who will play you when they make your life movie?? Who would you want?
Congratulations on Forbes. You'all Deserve it.
253. Pamela said:
Fucking brilliant as always! Congrats #26.
254. Issa said:
Happy birthday Heather. I hope it was a great one, despite all the piss and milk and...well I hope there was cake. :)
I have to tell you, I love reading about Coco, because it reminds me that I'm not alone in crazy dog land. Mine is not a mini. Which only means, she is that crazy, but 62 pounds of it. Also, she's six and people tell me, oh they calm down at six. Really? Really? I am still waiting. And what exactly are they comparing calm too?
My husband and I will possibly never own another animal because of our dog. I love her, but holy hell, she is it. Of course last night he says, you know she could live to be 20 right? In the divorce, he gets the dog. LOL.
255. Wide Awake Wife said:
Happy Birthday and Congrats!!
256. Nicole said:
funny as HELL!! Congrats Heather!
257. Amy said:
Happy Birthday! I'm a Cancer too :) Great post and congrats on the big 26....how cool is that!
258. JennC said:
Congrats! Can "Twenty-six, bitches!" be your new masthead? Pretty please!!!!!!!
259. Anonymous said:
Still getting "First" posts? Seriously?
260. Highly Irritable said:
Warning: You are in now in the last year of the coveted 18-34 demographic.
Enjoy it; next year it's all denture cream and adult diaper adverts.
261. Susie said:
Woo-hoo congratulations! But seriously...Tyra Banks is #5?? Tyra Banks beat out Martha Stewart and Arianna Huffington?
262. Wendy said:
Congratulations on both your birth and your media icon status! The honor is well-deserved as you are one of the better writers I've read. I can't wait to see your name move up the list in the years to come.
263. Stephanie said:
That may very well be the funniest post EVAH! Thanks, I needed that. Good to know I'm not the only one with a moron for a dog. Congratulations on being #26 - I agree with the other poster who wrote "26 bitches" should be your next masthead. Funny stuff.
264. CathyY said:
happy bday 26! LOVED this post. glad they used a good photo of you... some of the others? eeeek.
265. Ilana said:
1. 26! Soooo is right. Congrats.
2. Happy Birthday
3. You definitely need to write a faux-sexy song called Shake the Piss and then have Coco star in the music video. In slo-mo.
266. Kath said:
Happy 34th birthday number 26! No one else makes me howl and cry with laughter like you!
267. Patti said:
That is the fucking funniest, most exhilarating piece I have read in a long time. I can't wait to read it again.
268. Dea said:
That is freakin awesome.
269. Diana said:
I'm crying from laughing so hard. You are flipping hilarious. Which is one of the reasons why you're #26! I love it when us ordinary mortals score big.
270. Tegan said:
Hilarious! The Pollock piss shower was a thoughtful birthday present.
Congratulations Heather, and Happy Birthday. I would have had you higher on the list- who is this Oprah they speak of anyway?
271. EmilyF said:
Congratulations! You beat Soledad O'Brian! Holy shit!
272. Krissa said:
Sweetie, I'm sure it was some sort of nasty ploy, between Marlo and Coco, to help you just "keep it real". ;-)
273. Chutney said:
A huge congrats, Heather.
2-6, bitches. 2-6. ;)
274. ellie said:
and that's why you're number 26. brilliant writing.
275. Sheelah said:
My FAVORITE post. BY FAR. EVER.
276. Jaela said:
Can I just say thank you. This post made me laugh out loud the whole way through, which was a great help on this very. Long. Work day. Of mine.
Happy belated birthday and ocngrats on TWEEEEEENTYYYY-SIIIIIIIIX!
277. Restless Mama said:
I'm going to read this post again and "share" it on facebook and be so grateful that #26 always has knee-slapping, water-up-your-nose humor to share with the internet world.
Thank you for making life 26 times more hilarious.
278. Lolainaz said:
Ok I held it together till the "Twenty-six bitches!!" I lost it, at my desk....now I have pee all over me ;) thanks!!! Hahaha congrats
279. Mimi said:
Happy Birthday! I just discovered your blog and am lamenting my lateness. However, I think I may have peed on myself (from all the laughing of course)...so your dog and I are on the same page at least.
And Congrats on being numero 26!
280. Jax said:
That was the awesomest, most perfectly dooce story ever. Loved it. Happy Birthday!!
281. Deb said:
Happy Birthday and Congratulations! If I end up being the 26th commenter on your blog I think it's a good day. You are amazing! (I wanted to put several exclamation points after that last sentence but then thought better of it.)
282. roztime said:
i'm not going to lie. i just peed myself laughing from this. amazing, you totally deserved the 26.. and a happy birthday.
283. Laura said:
Congratulations! And happy birthday.
284. Jennifer P said:
Holy crap that is a totally ridiculous situation. Which is sort of appropriate on a birthday. All the best for another year filled with love, laughter, and silliness!
285. Jennifer said:
Oh Heather I needed that laugh! It's been a rough day at work and that totally helped.
I like to pointedly bring to my Husbands attention, any chance I get, that I infact am the only person from my high school, in all of this high school's history, to ever win the Disney Creative Challenge Award.
Yup. And I point to it at least once a month and say, See that! Only one! Me!
Congratulations on #26!
286. Renee said:
HIL-AR-IOUS! Hilarious, I tell you!
Totally reminds me of the night before Father's Day when I was trying to setup Steve's hammock. When you setup a new hammock, you have to stretch it. This phenomenon is know as "bottoming out." I went through several choruses of hooking the chain, jumping in it, hitting the ground and repeating. All while my entire neighborhood sat on their porches and watched!
PS. You get it TWENTY-SIX! So pumped for you!
287. Cat said:
Holy shit. Congrats, girl. And Happy Birthday.
You're the queen of neon shit in my book. XO
288. cate said:
Happy birthday! Hope this year brings even better things, though it seems all of the recent goodness will be hard to top.
Congrats on 26!! You deserve it!
289. Greet said:
Congratulations, on being 34 as well as being 26th!
290. Mary said:
Wow - Congratulations. And Happy Birthday. All the hilarity aside, I am awed by how you really created something with your website. You literally created something out of nothing (AND outranked Maria Baritromo in the process). You should be very proud.
Also, your family is beautiful.
Congratulations!
291. Peggy said:
Happy Birthday~!
The fist pump picture of Marlo is so cute...one because it's Marlo and two because the blanket I gave her is in the picture! That makes me so happy you are using it!
292. Shannon Rubio said:
Happy, happy birthday. I hope you did a giant adult size fist pump, minus Marlo's final product of course. :) Really, life is good and you have much to be happy for.
293. Pam said:
26 is a great number as is 34. Congratulations and I think you deserve it all. You are a wonderful writer.
294. DodiM said:
New carpet, dog pee. As ancient as time itself. I'm surprised there isn't a story about it in the Bible... because you just know that one year Mary was also #26 - same year she got that insane dog for Jesus. New woven rug - the sheep weren't even aware they were sheared yet - and Joseph couldn't get the door opened fast enough. (I'll bet that's why Jesus never had a dog as an adult.)
Seriously, congrats on #26. It must be mind blowing.
295. Anonymous said:
I speak from TONS of experience when I tell you that a little watered down vinegar will take the pee smell out of the NEW NEW carpet! One of my mini schnauzers injured herself and her pain meds made her exceptionally thirsty and the muscle relaxers made it hard for her to contain all that extra water she was drinking... and good lord the amount of pee coming out of a 15 pound dog. insanity!
anywho- CONGRATS on being 26! looking forward to the second half of the birth story, and of course, tales of coco and chuck!
296. Elizabeth C said:
From one nursing mother to another I share empathy in your leaky boobness and am offering up a moment of silent gratitude that my 120 pound incontinent dog died last year. (in the most thoughtful way a sleep deprived brain can think)
Happy Birthday and congrats on the A list!
297. Jeanne said:
It was 24 years ago but I still remember and tell my daughter constantly that I should have sold her on the black market......no colic and no college loans! Hah - I love her too much but think of the cash!!!
Congrats on #26!!!
298. Bria said:
Happy birthday and congratulations on being number 26, Heather! You are awesome! I'm sorry that you had such a rocky start to your birthday though. Oh well....OH...and I often use the term, "on the boob" or other boob related terms since I am the mother of an 8 week old little chap. Boobs rock!! (Neon poo does not rock...especially when it is coming out as a fountain of poo while you are trying to change a diaper and end up having to use two or three diapers when you only intended to use one.)
299. Sarah M said:
I love what you do here and that 26 is incredibly well deserved. Congratulations!
300. julie said:
thanks so much for the discription of Marlo's poop. I had to turn my head from the screen because of the graphicness, is that a word? of it all. Yum.
Congrats on, what number was it again?