Familiar territory
Yesterday morning after a bit of a blurry night, one that resembled the many blurry nights before it where the newest member of the family periodically yelled orders and shot butterscotch poo four feet up and out the back of her diaper — wait, have I mentioned yet that Marlo doesn't cry? I'm serious. She doesn't string together a chorus of wailing like many other babies her age, but, and this is a HUGE but, a Kardashian-sized but that makes everyone in the room stop and stare and wonder HOW IN THE WORLD that thing fits through a door, the kid can yell. And I mean, YELL. Like, the referee has just called the runner out at home base and the coach runs out, throws his ball cap on the dirt and starts rattling off a string of obscenities that I wouldn't even repeat on this website, I KNOW CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT, that kind of yelling. Pot-bellied, weathered by years of tragedy and illness and unemployment kind of yelling. Drunk on scotch and just got home from the coal mine yelling.
Where was I? Right, yesterday morning. Somehow all the pieces came together and everything that normally has to get done on a Monday morning got done. Leta got dressed, the dogs got fed, Marlo burped and ate and yelled about the wet diaper that had leaked all over her onesie. And then, here's the kicker, I took a shower, washed my hair and applied mascara. If you've never lived with a newborn you're probably going, huh? What? There's a point to this? YES. IN FACT THERE IS A POINT. AN EXCLAMATION POINT. A THUNDERING HERD OF THEM. Because then we got into the car and made it to Marlo's two-week check-up on time. Without any crying or screaming or chucking heavy appliances across the room. I guess the only way to explain the significance of this to someone who hasn't ever lived with a newborn is to imagine waking up in a bed of liquid chocolate next to a naked supermodel. And then suddenly you realize that while you've been sleeping someone came in and wallpapered your room with Twizzlers and one hundred dollar bills.
I felt so powerful, so victorious, like I could crush solid granite with my hands. I wanted to turn cartwheels across my front yard, except for that whole STITCHES IN THE LADY PARTS thing. Yes, I did just go there, my apologies to the 19-year-old boy who is reading this in his mom's basement. Listen, you just go right ahead and think that all women wax themselves bald down there like the pictures you see in that stack of porn underneath your bed and pretend I didn't just suggest that on occasion, when the MIRACLE OF LIFE is involved, that beautiful flower of a body part has to come face to face with a needle and thread.
Now, on to something I feel like I need to tell you right away. When I sat down to write this I realized that this is a bit out of order, that I should tell you about labor first, but then I felt like I shouldn't wait because so many of you are wondering and have written to ask, how are you? How are you coping? Do you think the dark cloud is going to eat you alive again? Because what I experienced after Leta was born was so monumentally awful, bad enough that I eventually ended up in a hospital. What if it happens again? You know the odds are that it will happen again, right? Aren't you scared out of your mind?
And so this is what's going on...
The adrenaline rush I experienced after going through a natural birth was unlike anything I've ever lived through before. It was so powerful that I didn't sleep for over 48 hours, and I was giddy, so happy and high and certain that I could move mountains. From the moment they laid Marlo on my chest I was in love, and she and I bonded instantly. For two days she was attached to my chest and I did nothing but marvel at her every feature. That fascination with her has not changed, and neither Jon nor I are experiencing any of the shock that we did when we brought Leta home. In fact, it feels like we are just continuing where we left off when Leta suddenly shifted from newborn to giggling baby. Breastfeeding is so much easier this time. In fact, it's an absolute joy, and both Jon and I can change a diaper with one hand while multi-tasking with the other. There is none of the crazy stress that was there when our lives shifted from childless couple to Family of Three.
However, on day three something happened. At first I thought it was the sleep deprivation catching up with me, so I ignored it. But by day five and six I couldn't pretend I was okay anymore. I started having panic attacks and such severe anxiety that my hands started to contort and clutch into twisted positions that I could not relieve. I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep, and my mind started spiraling into dangerous places. I was so angry, so frustrated because there was no reason to feel this way. Intellectually I knew everything was okay, and my god! I knew what I was doing! I loved the baby and knew how to meet her needs! WHY WAS I PANICKING?! There just wasn't a good explanation for my crippling anxiety, but there it was. And it was robbing me of the experience I was determined to have.
So early last week we called the doctor who treated me in the hospital back in 2004. He does not normally see patients who are not in the hospital, but by some lucky twist of the universe he thought I was someone else, someone whom he owed a favor, and agreed to see me as an outpatient. And two days later I'm sitting there on a couch in his office facing him as he contorts his face in an effort to figure out just who the hell I am. And I'm sweating, and the anxiety is crawling up my body and paralyzing my neck, and he's all, hmm... you're not who I thought you were. But here you are, and dear God, woman. You look just awful.
So he pulled up my record from five years ago, glanced back at me, looked back at his computer, and that's when I involuntarily blurted out, "I wrote a book about my experience in the hospital." Maybe to let him know that I was serious? That here I was dumb enough to try and do this whole thing again? And he immediately whipped his head around and said, "You're THAT woman?"
Yes. Indeed. THAT woman. The woman who writes about poop and hemorrhoids and stitches in her vagina YES DEAR GOD THAT'S ME. Listen, my Republican, Mormon, gun-owning father read my book and he still loves me! That counts for something, right? I guess his wife had heard about my book, and when she was describing it to him he knew immediately that I had to have been someone he treated because of the speed with which I healed. He treats postpartum depression very differently than most doctors, and his patients usually see results instantly. And that is exactly what happened with me in the hospital five years ago, I took a cocktail of meds and within two hours I felt like a different person.
So we did a lot of talking, and since he's been treating women for this very condition for over 30 years I did a lot of listening and learning. The odds were completely stacked against me, and he said that if I had been gearing up and treating the possibility of this in my third trimester I might have been able to avoid it. But since I didn't it was time to attack it now. So he made a minor tweak to my meds and asked me to come back and see him in two weeks, and I am not even kidding, I felt better that night. In fact, better does not do what I was feeling justice. I felt free.
So what about breastfeeding? That's what you're all wondering, I know, and this is what I'm going to say: he thinks that what I'm taking is perfectly safe to take while breastfeeding. He's prescribed it before to women who are breastfeeding and everything has been perfectly fine. No, I'm not going to talk about what I'm taking because one, it's no one's business, and two, I don't care that you think I'm poisoning my baby. I also think that anyone going through this needs to consult their own doctor and make an informed, personal decision about their individual situation. And then go on and live a better, happier life.
I've been on the new meds for over five days, and I haven't had a panic attack once. I feel like a regular person who has an infant and can handle it, and during my pregnancy that was exactly what I was aiming for. Turns out I needed a little help, a tiny adjustment, but here I am and I am loving it. I love what it has done to my relationship with Leta, what it has helped me see and appreciate in Jon, and I love that I can barely stand to be away from that baby for a minute. Jon has been watching Marlo so that I could write this, and a little bit ago he came rushing downstairs with this kicking, yelling, hungry bundle in his arms, and it was like I hadn't seen her in years. And that yelling... that raucous, staccato, one-too-many-beers yelling... it didn't make me cringe, it made me laugh.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
601. Laura Lee said:
YAY Heather! Yay Marlo!
Yay Jon and Leta!
Yay for the doctor and HOORAYAY for the right cocktail of meds.
602. Katy said:
Never commented before but I am a religious reader! This post made me cry it was so beautiful. I'm thinking the very best for you and the rest of your family- I was actually talking to my friend today at lunch wondering how you were doing with Marlo. your voice is so honest and inspiring. Thank you.
603. Steph said:
Congratulations and WELL DONE!
I love reading your blog, and it kinda felt rude not to say something on the birth of your new baby.
Steph
604. Jen said:
Giving you my biggest standing ovation. Because I've been that woman; that natural-birthing, nonstop breastfeeding, so-depressed-I-want-to-bash-my-brains-in woman in vaguely familiar fuzzy slippers about your size. I would've given anything to have a doctor who knew what he was doing when it came to treating my postpartum. I thought it would be different my second time too, what with the flood of hormones and the meth-like adrenaline high from laboring and giving birth (ironically drug-free,) so I was shocked when number two kicked me in the teeth just as badly as number one. If I were to ever have number three (and that's a big IF) I'd move to Utah, look up your doctor and start medicating in my third trimester.
Good for you. Seriously - standing ovation.
605. Lori Magno said:
You go Dooce-mama!
You do what you need to do to keep "it" and your family together and flip to all who have nasty commentary. You and Blurb hold onto each other and those beautiful girls and feel the love.
-Lori Magno
606. Davezwife (Another Apron with Gin in the Pocket) said:
I've worked as a nurse on 5W, wondering if you saw Dr. S (heavy accent, I'll elaborate more if you want, trying to protect the dude)
because I've heard he works PPD miracles.
You TOTALLY FECKING ROCK for recognizing you needed a tune-up. What a good mommy.
Congrats on your family. I raise my gin glass to ya!!
607. KTSchoger said:
awesome, good for you. If you're feeling good and confident and enjoying your little glow worm and family..then rock on. We all need little tweaks and adjustments occasionally. I applaud you for recognizing it and doing something about it :)
608. MH said:
I love reading about your family and the struggles you go through on a daily basis. It makes me happy to see such joy even though I know I could never do it myself. You're a brave woman Heather! Braver than I could ever be, that's for sure.
609. alison said:
goddamnit you are awesome, Heather. I feel like crying.
610. Suzy said:
Heather - I am happy to hear all is going well. I'll be the first to admit I have had my opinions about you in the past, both good and bad, but I am truly happy that you were able to recognize the need for a little help and went for it instead of just suffering through it.
Congratulations on the new baby! She's gorgeous.
611. Mother 2 Mother said:
I cannot thank you enough for this post! I have 5 children and after my 4th I suffered with depression. After months of struggling, I finally saw someone for it and started taking what I fondly referred to as my "happy pills". It didn't create some cracked out, manic person who was always smiling, happy, and bouncing off the walls. It just helped me get back to "normal"...my version of normal.
Needless to say, I should have suspected that 6 years later when I had baby #5 I would suffer from PPD again, but I thought it would be different this time around. It wasn't any different and I fell hard and fast. But instead of just accepting it and getting the help I needed right away, I chose to deny it. By the time I was 8 weeks post-pardom, I finally called the Dr. who immediately described more "happy pills" for me, but I never took them. I was too afraid of "tainting" my milk as I was breastfeeding at the time.
My daughter is a year now and looking back, I cannot believe that I chose to "taint" nearly every day of her first few months of life with the black cloud that hung over my head instead of just taking the meds I needed and trusting the Dr. when he told me it was ok to keep breastfeeding.
We are considering baby #6 (I know...we are truly insane), but after reading your touching and honest post, I will never...and I truly mean never...again hesitate to get the help I know I will need if we do decide to have another baby.
If nothing else Heather, please take comfort in knowing that your story has reached and touched many women who are in need of knowing that's it is ok to ask and accept the help we need when and if PPD rears its ugly head. Thank you & God bless your beautiful family! Sara
612. Janice said:
I believe this is my favorite post of yours. Others have been cuter, funnier (well this one has a lot of humor) but I am so happy to see you expressing yourself from a grounded place. There seemed to be a time when you challenged people; sort of set yourself up for the fucktards to descend. And given what you do for a living that's likely to still happen and I don't mean to offer my analysis of you. It's really none of my business. Just offering acknowledgment of the hard and difficult work you have done to take the best care of you. And how happy I am for you and your family that you are in this grounded place, enjoying your babies...all five of them ;-)
Many Blessings
613. alli said:
Thank you for sharing with people that you can take meds that will help you to be a more engaged, happy mom and that these doctor's so know what they are talking about. Plenty of woman go through this and I am so glad that you clarified that a woman can take these meds, breastfeed their kids and not a damn thing that you are taking will harm little Ms. Marlo.
614. Mirinda said:
I usually don't bother posting. But you've been on my mind as of late and am glad to read you are doing well. With my first baby I had PPD really, really bad. As in serious suicidal bad. No one bothered to tell me that wasn't normal and my husband was off in oblivion trying to pretend our lives had not just been turned UPSIDE DOWN. When our daughter was nine- yes, nine- weeks old I got pregnant again. Looking back, I see that that pregnancy probably saved my life because it shifted my hormones back into something of a calm, normal state.
When my son was born 10.5 months after the first baby, I was terrified. I thought those feelings I had experienced were normal. As in, came with every baby. I didn't go through that again, thanfully. However, I dealt with horrible panic attacks. After FOUR months of several per day I went to the DR. That's when I learned it's a form of PPD. Thank heavens for medication.
Seriously, women should be more educated about the havoc hormones can wreak on your body after giving birth. I would bet reading your stories have helped a few :)
Sorry so long....
615. elie said:
love it. my baby is 9 weeks old now and I totally identify. very happy to hear you are feeling free...
616. Katie said:
I remember that moment of laying in bed and waking up to my baby's coo, and for the first time, thinking that coo was the most precious sound ever made by any living thing. For once, there were no tense shoulders, no shaky hands. And the joy inside of me was overwhelming. I felt relief. And gratitude. So much gratitude.
Good for you, Heather. Love this!
617. Manic Mommy said:
wow!
618. Kelley said:
You are an awesome Mom and I wish you lived next door to me and we were BFF's. Seriously, I love your honesty and your humor. I always get in trouble for being honest even though I'm tactful, I'm just not one of those folks who respond "fine" when asked how I'm doing. Your words make us all stronger and smarter. Thanks for that and I'm so glad you're doing well. The birth of my son almost 5 years ago was full of drama, trauma and a few extra surgeries which strained the good old marriage as both myself and the newborn were bedridden for months. But we can laugh about it now (wryly) and make faces at those women who never had labor, popped the baby out in 15 minutes, made dinner and went to a ball that night and have never EVER had a hemmorroid! :) Rock on.
619. Julie said:
I thought this was a great post, and I'm truly happy for you. But this sentence is just really insulting to your reader and unnecessary: "No, I'm not going to talk about what I'm taking because one, it's no one's business, and two, I don't care that you think I'm poisoning my baby."
620. Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said:
Good for you in getting your meds straighted out with your doc. My anxiety and panic began just like that with my toddler.
Enjoy that sweet-smelling bundle, honey.
621. Kerstin said:
Very encouraging!
I had suicidal PPD after my baby, and after I got pregnant again I had a terrible time... and then miscarried and felt somewhat relieved, because it had been so hard because of the experience after the first one was born.
Now I might be pregnant again, and even though I am trying to tell myself that I am fine and will be prepared there is fear, there is no denying in that, but reading this is very helpful indeed... I just wish I had a wonderful doc like you here.
You need to let all of us in dire need know who he is, even though as you said he only treats patients in his hospital. I would travel from Oregon to Utah if that would be what it takes.
All the best to you, dooce Heather. You mean a lot to a lot of women, as you know.
622. Amy said:
This was a pleasure to read. You captured the emotions of my childbirth experience too. I haven't suffered from postpartum depression, but you seem to be handling it brilliantly. Again, this was just a pleasure to read. Thank you.
623. mrs.notouching said:
Good for you! Glad to hear you are doing great and where is that cute baby video Jon has been blabbing about on Twitter?
624. Amyinbc said:
All so very GOOD!
Glad to hear this time around you dealt with the issues (helps when you learn about them first time around; totally got your back on that one..)
She is gorgeous and I am so happy for you all.
Looking forward to the birth story when you can Heather, love to hear them. I am snoopy that way.
BTW after I gave birth to my daughters naturally (twins) I felt I rocked and owned the world. Nothing I could not do!!
Must say gestating and birthing my kids is pretty much right up there as my biggest accomplishment in life. Really. Great kids who show none of the teen and pre-teen crap I put my parents through. They could not even imagine the trouble I got into when I was their ages ;)
625. nicolefrancine said:
Hooray for you! I too had been wondering how you were doing and hoped the post-partum blues wouldn't be too bad. And I too took medication WHILE breastfeeding. It works and as my psychiatrist said, "Happy mom, happy baby."
Keep up the good work.
Always appreciative,
Nicole
626. Sara said:
Thanks for your honesty and courage, Heather. You are a light in the dark to so many mommies, I'm sure. Peace to you and your family of four.
627. Noelle said:
I'm overwhelmed by the joy you're expressing. So happy for you.
628. Summer said:
I'm not sure if I've ever posted here before. Actually I'm pretty sure I haven't cause you always have a gagillion comments and I doubt you'll even see this one, but anyways......
You are an AWESOME women. I've sure you're heard that before, but it can't hurt to hear it again and again. I check your site everyday, and although I haven't gone through anything you've gone through, I feel PROUD of you. You are just amazing. You're not afraid to tell it like it is and I love that. You have two beautiful kids, two great looking dogs, and a awesome husband. Congrats on Marlo and Leta and just your life!
629. cin said:
....it didn't make me cringe, it made me laugh.
i'm a cringer. so happy for you; particularly knowing your story with leta. bravo. i love that you make decisions in the best interest of your family and tell the world, knowing full well you'll be judged. damn the judgers judging. congrats.
630. Jill Put Up A Blog said:
We are all wonderful just the way we are...you have a such a good heart, I can tell. Good for you:)
631. Shelby said:
I'm a postpartum doula and have been for a few years now. One of the other blogs I read regularly is askmoxie (.org). A quote of hers that I absolutely love is, "Now I'm going to tell you The Secret That Good Mothers Know: When we figure out what's best for our kids, we take ourselves into account."
Good job taking care of you so that you can take care of your baby. It's a shame that in our culture, taking ourselves into account can be met with such disdain. 'They' expect us to sacrifice ourselves for our families, and then the same 'they' expect us to return to work after only 6 weeks. ??? It's no wonder so many of us struggle with postpartum mood issues.
Off my soapbox now. Congrats on your beautiful new baby. Love the nickname and that cute, glowy picture of her.
632. Caitlin said:
congratulations!
i'm so glad you went from 7 months of awfulness with Baby 1 to only about 7 days with this lil bundle! you had the tools to cope and did just that.
633. Sharon said:
I'm so glad you jumped on this thing and got what you needed. Keep the glimpses of life in your land coming. We all love to hear about your joyful moments and even the not as joyful ones too. You're so human and open and wonderful. Love it.
634. Kristin said:
I started reading your site midway through your 2nd pregnancy and have found myself in disbelief that anyone who experienced severe postpartum depression would EVER consider having another. Your bravery astounds me. I have gone through moments throughout the last six or so years--after recovering from PPD--where I momentarily contemplate having a 2nd child and obsess on each detail of what I would do in order to prevent what I experienced with my first. That contemplation included beginning medication management immediately; without allowing the nurse practitioner to inform me I needed to wait until my 6-week check-up to discuss my "baby blues" since I wasn't considering killing myself or my baby. She knew best, so I didn't bother to tell her that although neither of those were options for me, I needed to get out of my situation desperately but didn't know how.
I meant to leave a quick comment and instead have purged all over your comments--it felt amazingly cathartic--thanks. Point being...a peaceful, calm mommy is hands down more crucial than a mommy whose breast milk doesn't emit trace amounts of chemicals.
635. Sera said:
Thank you so much for sharing this. I was wondering how you were doing. Your site was the first I stumbled upon when looking for actual stories of people who were dealing with PPD. I had just been diagnosed with it, and I was immediately grateful for your brutal honesty. It's incredibly commendable, and it gave me courage to put my own story out there. I was treated successfully with medication and after 6 months, decided with my doctor, that I could come off of the meds. I ended up back in her office yesterday talking about how I think it might be back. I think it's awesome you went in and got help again- and how great is that that you happened to get in with this same guy? I'm glad you're feeling better. You deserve it. And thanks for continuing to be so open about things.
636. Polly said:
Here's the thing - like on an airplane when the oxygen masks drop down.. the instructions are to use them on YOURSELF before helping your children. This is no different. You need to take care of YOU to be able to be there for your family. Glad you're feeling better! Isn't it just SO much easier with #2? Nice to have some experience under your belt! lol We need a video of this yeller in action! :-)
637. msjo said:
Bless you!! Thanks for everything you have done for my favorite niece (A voice of sanity in the world, she led me to you), and for helping me to understand and be a "real" help to my daughter, who was diagnosed bipolar two years ago, and for whom I went into denial... and back out. I love your posts, and your sharing. Not sure how to say this, but life does just keep getting better!
638. Rebecca said:
Hey there, Dooce.
I am not a mom.
But I have struggled with depression and anxiety and this post made me shudder with empathy. The perfect description of the onset of the swirling, sucking, freezing hole that opens up and sucks you in.
Oh, my, the cliches.
Point being -- I am so proud of you. What lucky, lucky daughters you have.
We need someone to stand up and say what needs to be said about mental illness, and we are blessed to have you as a spokesperson and role model.
I sound like a 90-year-old. (get off my property)
639. Holly said:
You have so much to be proud of, Heather. And you're so very blessed - deservedly so! Best wishes & lots of happy times for you and your newly-expanded family. (all of whom are gorgeous, by the way!)
640. Monika said:
it sounds wonderful. all the best to you.
641. 1kid2many said:
Better living through chemistry, baby. I got your back.
642. A mommy! said:
When our daughter was born it took me six month to finally go see a doctor and get a prescription to a medication to help me deal with the postpartum junk I was dealing with. It's not easy. It's not necessarily a fun process. I do wonder about my breastmilk and how much of my medication is transferred to it, but I needed the help, and I am starting to feel better, and in the long run I would like to believe it is for the best.
Thank you for your courage in sharing this with the world Heather.
643. Anonymous said:
I'm glad you have written here about you treatment for postpartum depression, although I myself have never had a child. Still, your descriptions of the way medication has helped you have contributed to encouraging me to seek medication for my ongoing depression. Too many people, my family included, have insisted that therapy is not only necessary, but the ONLY necessary thing. I know from my past experience that therapy does nothing for me; I have that same feeling of knowing that nothing in my life is wrong, that I am acting correctly - and yet, that is not enough. Thanks for being honest, it's so good to hear. :)
644. Christy said:
Congrats on the glowworm, dooces! I don't have any kids (yet!), but I'm glad you're out there posting a real-life experience and perspective and hope it gives other mothers (first-time and not first-time - or ANYONE experiencing crippling anxiety or depression for that matter) courage to ask for help when they need it!
645. Cara said:
I am so happy that things are going well, that you were able to see the signs right away so that the anxiety only last a few days. Enjoy every second with your little screamer!
Oh, and thanks for the encouragement... I want another one now!
646. Lauren said:
I've been wondering how you were feeling after reading your book. Good for you for recognizing the signs and getting help!! And thank you for being so honest and open about your experiences! You are helping to remove the stigma that is so often associated with any kind of anxiety, depression or mental health issue, and you are making the lives of others better for it!!
647. Anonymous said:
wonderful heather. your honestly and realness rocks.
648. Kathleen said:
I'm so glad, so very glad, that you got help so quickly this time.
I must admit to some very unattractive jealousy reading your blog these days. My husband was deployed when our son was born and we had recently moved to a new city. I was alone, so alone and I well remember that anxiety but I didn't know what to do and I didn't have anyone to help with the baby, let alone help me. I just wish...there's too much to say.
But this is my tearful way of saying that I am so glad that not only are you able to be home with the baby and Leta but that John is with all of you.
649. Rhonda said:
WONDERFUL update. You probably have no idea how many women you have helped with this. So glad you were able to recognize what was happening soon...and how cool was that that he saw you, even if by accident! I know plenty of women who have taken PPD meds and breastfed without any issue. Congratulations to your beautiful family!
650. Claire said:
I wish I could have your doctor. It was that panic attack feeling that tormented me for the first 5 months of my little ones life. It took me about 9 months to feel right again. We are contemplating a second, and I am so scared. However, reading this gives me a bit more courage.
PS Marlo is so beautiful. Would love to see a pic of her with big sis.
651. Elizabeth said:
Congratulations! I'm so happy for your family. And congrats on taking your own health into consideration. Taking care of yourself is going to make you're childrens lives happier and healthier too.
652. Jennifer said:
That is wonderful! Glad you are doing well. :)
653. Amelia said:
We are all just trying to do the best by our babies one day at a time. Don't ever feel bad about that, and I'll try not to.
654. K said:
Happy, well mother = happy, well baby. Whatever makes that happen is good. Take care and keep enjoying your beautiful baby girl!
All the best, K
655. Sense said:
I'm so, so happy that you are ok. And that you sought help immediately when you needed it. I know that I don't even know you, but I'm really proud of you for that and for sharing this. I think that you are brave and strong, and from the looks of it, a really great mother.
656. Michelle who btdt said:
As someone who has breastfed while on meds 2x, and had one unmedicated pregnancy and one medicated one, GOOD FOR YOU!!!! (Not that you need my support, but there it is!)
Enjoy your girls!
657. Anonymous said:
I am very very happy for you and I totally salute your strength, honesty and commitment to taking care of yourself.
658. jenlovestokyo said:
Hello, love your blog, read it regularly (not religiously, sorry), first comment. When you described studying and observing your baby with love for 2 days, it reminded me of this brilliant book called "talking of love" by Boris Cyrulnik. He basically explains how people can tap into what he calls resilience and get over traumas (he studied child soldiers, holocaust survivors but also "regular" depressed folk like me and perhaps yourself- making an assumption there, sorry!)
Anyway, he talks about how motherhood affects women with a trauma and he said that the women who are likely to experience some difficulty are the ones who study their babies in awe after birth, in a quiet, almost exalted way, but who may not be quite as expressive as a balanced mother with no trauma. Might be reading too much into just a few words though, but his book really helped me.
Voila! Thanks for reading if you did ;-)
659. abigail said:
so glad to hear that you are doing well and that your family is adjusting and that you got in a shower!!! all of my friends who have kids remember fondly the days that they could take a leisurely shower whenever they wanted. :-)
660. Robyn said:
Another keeper--what a lovely, funny, honest post. Many congratulations.
661. Bubbles said:
Go Heather! I read your writing and I don't feel as scared anymore. You are helping people every day. Thank you.
662. Swati said:
Stay well!
663. emgib said:
you gave me permission to try meds. thanks for that. it makes the world a lot easier. you actually gave me permission (which is not your job, it's just i still need permission) years ago when i first read your site. my favourite post is still the one where Jon gives you permission to use the word cunt. You had me at cunt. I only just started the med route and it's a bit sketchy so thanks for being so honest!! I'm theoretically great. just scooped ad awards at cannes for an industry I quit a year ago and really hoping i can BREATHE soon. lots of love and thanks for all the years of support. i really appreciate it
664. Sarah Brekke said:
Another great post. I am glad to hear you taking care of yourself for you and your family, that's highly respectable.
665. Christa said:
Good for you! I had depression with my first and when my second was born 11 weeks premature I panicked about not being able to take any meds while pumping for him in the NICU. All the doctors worked together to find something that would work for both me and for my son. Besides being important to take care of yourself it is very important to be well for your children.
666. emgib said:
tragically - i've been lurking since I used to work with loobylu back in the dot com era. sorry - what a leech i am!
667. Shanna said:
Go, Heather!
668. Snapper said:
Go you!
669. Karen said:
I hadn't written to ask, figuring you'd let us know when you were ready, but I had been thinking of you and hoping you'd been feeling good. I'm so thrilled for you that that's the case. Now, if only you'd post a short video of Marlo yelling... (Please?) (You didn't really think we wouldn't ask, did you?)
670. Anonymous said:
You rock your medicated new mommy self! I too, am medicated, haven't hit the postpartum stuff that I've been dreading yet, but the baby blues have certainly caught me off guard from time to time.
Congrats on Marlo! Hello to Leta. And, take care of you!
PS Tommy was born on his due date, 10 days after Marlo on hers. We are special...this never happens!
671. Lisa said:
Heather,
Have been reading and loving your blog for years and though your writing has often struck a chord with me and made me laugh out loud many many times and cry in almost equal measure I have never posted a comment until now..
I'm at home with a newborn and am finding it frustrating, tiring and less fulfilling than I thought I would BUT today is a good day.. I'm up, washed, dressed and fed and whilst I have not managed make-up yet I might get to it later. Baby is having a nap, there's some good tunes on the radio and the sun is shining..a twizzlers, hundred dollar bills and laugh out loud day.. :)
All the best to you and yours Heather..
Lx
672. Mary said:
Good for you! I am so happy that you are doing what is right for you... because last I checked that baby doesn't thrust its way out of one's vagina carrying an owner's manual or a rule book. Do what works and live your life. Go Dooce, go!
673. Bethany said:
Good on you! Marlo sounds hilarious, I can't wait for the next monthly newsletter for her and Leta now that she's arrived. Best wishes to you all.
674. Kim said:
You are NOT poisoning your baby! You are doing exactly what you should to take care of your whole family. Congratulations on loving the newborn stage. I didn't love it so much.
675. Dana said:
Good for you for recognizing what was going on and seeking help. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
676. Kimmad said:
I recently read your book, and all I can say is GOOD FOR YOU!
677. Mel said:
Wow, that doctor sounds like a mad scientist. Is that the same doctor as Michael Jackson's? Must be some pretty strong medication to feel "instant" relief. Most medications for depression take a few weeks to reach their full efficacy.
Does this so called health care expert have you doing any talk therapy in combination with the meds, or is he just pumping you full of pills? Cognitave behavioral therapy has been shown to be very effective for depression when used in combination with medications. But it sounds like you are just enjoying you potent cocktail of drugs.
And from what I know (and I do happen to have a medical background) medications do reach the baby via nursing. I cannot even image the medications you poor infant is ingesting.
I have been following your blog and generally enjoy your take on parenthood, but this post makes you look like an overmedicated pill popping freak.
678. Maureen said:
Thank you so much for describing your experience. I hope you continue to feel so great!
679. LindseyLu said:
I CAN'T even BELIEVE you said Butterscotch! My daughter's poo (second child) smelled like butterscotch, too! For some weird reason, I loved that; though I don't know that I'll ever be able to eat butterscotch again.
Congratulations on all of your successes. You never cease to entertain me.
680. Jenn A. said:
So glad you were able to get the help you needed without delay. The dimple picture is absolutely captivating-enjoy your new little miracle. :)
Jenn
681. Anonymous said:
Dooce, I have not read theough all the comments so apologies if someone has asked this and it has been answered, but please PLEASE what meds did he give you? Mine aren't working!!!
P.S. i am under a doctors care, not just sitting waiting for your answer to treat me LOL! So there will be no tragedys or anything, but I would REALLY like something to tell my doctor to try.....
682. Carley said:
Wonderful...
Congrats again.
683. Sarita Pagita said:
All I can say is you rock! I'm like 2nd hand proud of you and happy for you. I'm so glad you are doing well and that motherhood the second time around is like whisky down that coal miners throat - smooth with a tiny burn, which is totally to be expected.
684. jenny said:
heather, so happy for you. show that anxiety the what-for!
ps, little marlo is a gorgeous little thing. xo
685. Anonymous said:
I am so very happy for all of you.
686. Rachel said:
Heather,
I am so glad that you are doing so well! It must be so healing to be enjoying motherhood like you wanted to the first time around. It's wonderful that you were able to get in to see that Dr. and have such quick results.
I had severe PPD with both of my boys and it was much worse the second time around. I also ended up in a hospital and I am so grateful that we live in an age where I could be successfully treated.
It seems like the healing process for this sort of thing happens slowly and at it's own pace. Your book has been a part of that on-going healing process for me. It made me laugh and cry and shake my head that someone could put into words the things that I couldn't describe to anyone. Thank you so much for your honesty, hilarity and serious plea for others to seek the help that they need. I am grateful for your bravery.
Thank you so much.
687. Ann said:
Kudos to you. Seriously, I admire your openness so much, I can't even put it into words.
The way you are so honest about sharing your mental wellness issues is such a great service to all of the women and moms, and probably some men too.
The message is simple, there is help, go get it. No shame, no judgments. We need to bring mental health issues out of the darkness and into the light.
Congratulations on your beautiful new baby girl.
688. Anonymous said:
I've been reading your blog for years and years, and love it, but have never commented until today. I struggle daily with anxiety and panic, and am treated by both meds and therapy and actually function quite well. But my husband and I plan on having children in a few years, and I worry about how my mental health will fare during pregnancy and post-partum.
You are a comfort and an inspiration, and reading your column helps to assuage my fears about my health and the health of my future children. I wish everyone were as open as you are about their mental health and were as vigilant about treatment.
689. Kathryn said:
I am so proud of you. You are a hero!
690. Anonymous said:
I am not a commenter. In fact, I barely read blogs. But I read yours. And I couldn't help but comment on this particular post. I think you are incredibly brave, empowering, and bold. I am delighted that you are willing to share your story with other women who might possibly experience postpartum at some point in their lives. You have humanized it. YOU GO GIRL. Congratulations on your ability to know what is best for you and your willingness to do it.
691. Heidi said:
Congratulations to you both on the birth of your new baby girl. I very rarely comment on your blog but have been reading it for a couple of years.
I commend you on your honesty!
And more than anything else, I think the reason you guys are so much more comfortable this time, is because your comfortable with yourselves.
I'm glad you got tweeked, so that you can contiune to enjoy these precious moments with your new addition. This time in your life is one of the best and they grow up TOO DAMN FAST!!
So just ENJOY IT!!
And ignore the other crazy people :)
692. Meara said:
Alleluia!
...for you, for your family, for mental health, for life & love & laughter (and babies yelling!).
693. Amanda said:
Yay! I'm so happy for you!
694. Gamma said:
Ok, like anybody keeps reading after 688+ comments but.....here's my two cents worth anyway :)
Why is it that if someone is taking meds because of diabetes or anything else BUT depression, everybody seems to be fine and understand that. But you mention depression and all of a sudden the real "crazies" come out and think you can just control it and how DARE you take medication for it while pregnant and then subsequently breastfeeding. Wow, wish life was that easy. I mean do you think anybody would want to be "ill" if they could just "will" it away.
My "babies" are in their 30's now and PPD was not even mentioned when mine were infants. I ended up on the psych ward after trying to commit suicide. Believe me, when I tell you I had no idea what was going on. It creeps up on you, you don't realize it and you don't know what to do. Thankfully I have an amazing husband and family that helped me through it. Had I been able to avoid what I put myself and my family through by taking medication, I would have done it in a heartbeat!
So for all of you that were(are) lucky enough to escape the throes of depression.....be thankful, not critical of others who aren't as lucky.
Thank you Armstrong family for enduring the "crazies/haters" in order to let others know they're not alone, there is help, and there are lots of others who totally understand........
695. Andie Grace said:
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! Add another voice to the chorus: so happy for you, and so inspired by you.
696. TheresaBu said:
Man, that's some big yelling. And some fantastic doc. I'm so glad you found him those years ago. And I'm so glad you and the family are doing well.
697. Kristi, RN said:
Heather,
Thanks so much for your honest account of Pregnancy and Post Partum emotional issues. I often have my patients read your blogs to let them know that they are not alone. We all get a great kick out of the the Daily Chuck, we marveled at the Dimple, and now I have another teachable moment with my clients and patients to let them know that even "Supermom" as they often call you has ups and downs, and can overcome the demons that PPD often entails. Thanks again for your honesty.
Kristi, RN
PS. It is no ones business what medication your on to treat your illness...even if your daughter had issues from the medication (and I've NEVER heard of such an issue in 10 years of medicine) she's still far better off than those children forced to endure the fall out from a mother who in the grips of PPD injures their child. THANKS!
698. Anonymous said:
the only advice i would give you heather....stop at two kids....mother of seven...former mormon....and love all my kids but life not your own...the one up side to it all...they train very well in a group to actually clean up their mess...great having teenage boys that can cook...vacuum...and actually clean out the fridge...that is what is wonderful about motherhood...all the payback later on....good luck anyway....don't you just love these dots...................................?
699. Becky said:
I think you are amazing. As a mom who also suffered post pardum depression and crazy ass anxiety, I thank you.
I love how honest you are about all of this. You have no idea how many people you help on a daily basis. So thank you for that Heather.
And yes, please a video of the yelling! Can't wait to hear it!
700. Becki said:
I have suffered from depression most of my life and PPD after all three of my births, both medicated and natural, hospital and home. After reading your last post, I am very surprised that you did not prepare better for this! Showing up at a doctor's door that does not treat outpatients is a risky move! What next? What if he decides not to treat you? I would have thought you would have forged a relationship with a doctor you trusted, whose treatment you agreed with. Someone to go through this journey professionally with you. For women like us, "hoping for the best" is not a viable option!
So my advice for others...get a doctor you trust BEFORE you get pregannt, one who can adjust your meds DURING the pregnancy and finally one who can see you VERY often after the birth to monitor you and your meds so that you get the very best possible chance of NOT going through hell!
Despite what others think, this is a life or death situation! Don't let the ignorance of others or their judgments stand in the way of your treatment. You and your baby deserve the best!
Best wishes, Dooce! Hope this works out for you! And BTW, I'm all for breastfeeding with the meds! MOST of the time, benefits outweigh the risks, to both mom and baby! Breastfeeding helps PPD.
701. Anonymous said:
you are amazing. please dont ever stop writing.
702. Sara said:
Good for you for taking care of YOURSELF and YOUR BABY! Good for you for recognizing something was wrong so quickly and DOING SOMETHING about it, instead of suffering. I'm glad to hear that you all are doing wonderful now. :)
703. sybil said:
right on sister. wish i could meet with a doctor who is an expert with postpartum because i am still going through it 7 months later and can't find the right way to handle it. much joy and happiness to ya.
704. Jan said:
Good! Oh so very good!
705. Lori said:
Ain't no shame in that. I think it's great that you recognized there were some problem, contorted hands always are a good indicator... and got help before it got too overwhelming.
I started taking an anti depressant about 2 weeks ago. Some days I can tell it helps, especially in situations I know would have caused a complete flip out. Some days I still feel the funk. But I'm trying to figure it out.
Again, I'm so happy for your family. Thanks for your continued sharing!!
706. Beth said:
I am so happy you were able to laugh. I started tearing up reading the end of this post. I have a 2 month old daughter (first child) and it is amazing that joyful feeling you get when they need you even when they are screaming and squirming all over. I'm so glad you are able to enjoy that. I also think it is a great thing that you can share your story and how you cope with everyone. Wishing you so many years of joy through yelling and all!
707. minxlj said:
I'm so glad you're all doing OK, and you sound like you have an amazing doctor!
708. Katherine said:
I beg you to help me help my daughter. She lived in Brussels during the birth of her 4 month old and is now back in the States. Her post partum depression was immediate. Of course in Europe nothing like that is discussed or treated so for two months she suffered such pain. She is back and going to doctors, but few doctors are as familiar with ppd as your doctor. I know each person is different, but as a Mother please help me.
709. Jenny said:
You have no idea how much comfort it brings me to hear you talk about your experiences so honestly and openly. I've have anxiety and depression my entire life, and can't tell you the relief that medication has brought me, especially after having children. When you said you felt free, I smiled! Thanks for keeping us posted, and enjoy your newly configured brood :)
710. Megan said:
Thank You. Thank you from the bottom of my overemotional, 7 month pregnant, living in the suburbs with a bunch of pretenders heart.
711. Sonya said:
Yet another great post. Glad to know you've got what you need. Going through tough times suck. But, the gifts in the end are the lessons learned. You've learned well. Enjoy the happiness!
712. Adventures In Babywearing said:
I am SO THRILLED to hear this- the wonderful beginnings and that things are so much better now. And I am so happy that you've chosen to stick with breastfeeding despite circumstances... it will all be okay. Such good things.
Steph
713. Lea said:
Looks like no one has said it yet, so I will:
Ignore #687! Fuck him AND his "medical background."
Anyone who not only can't be happy for you at this moment, but also feels the need to tell you so, WHILE declaring himself smarter than all your doctors, has problems a lot more serious than overmedication.
Let's all put his nasty, needless shit out of our minds and enjoy Heather's new lease on motherhood.
714. Donna said:
I am glad you are enjoying your baby. Every parent should enjoy their children, both young and old.
715. Lea said:
Ok, make that #677. Sorry #687! But the sentiment remains!
716. leslie said:
congratulations for not being pigheaded and for being a quick study. many people (like me) would have tried to stick it out and shove through this problem determined to not have it happen again. but instead you were responsible and level headed, asked for help, and got it.
717. Sarah said:
Good for you! I'm so happy for you!
718. Ev said:
Heather, I'm so glad for all of you. It's so valuable that you are a excellent example of someone who takes care of herself - you saw the need for help and went for it right away. What a role model you are! Thank you for sharing your experience.
719. Nancy F said:
GOOD FOR YOU! I have daughters that suffer from depression and anxiety and the stigma that can be attached to that is such non sense! NO ONE that has gone through this or watched someone they love go through this can truly understand how devastating it can be to the person going through it and their families! Keep on taking care of yourself! ROCK ON!
720. Anonymous said:
Someone please forward this to Tom Cruise.
Rock on sister.
721. Caren said:
Was wondering how you were. Glad that you're feeling better. Thanks for sharing this with all of us. For those of us who suffer from depression, your posts help to kick the stigma attached to mental health issues to the curb. And someone who is at risk of being affected by postpartum depression you are an inspiration. Thank you!
722. Cortney said:
You rock! Enjoy Marlo (-:
723. Kate said:
I wish I had a doctor like that.
I have panic attacks and anxiety
I have switched medications, adjusted doses..
and still have panic.
And I don't even have kids.
All I have a is a cat.. a very quiet,
well behaved cat. Ugh!
But truly, glad you are feeling better,
and so soon too!
724. Kathleen said:
I'm glad you are ok.
725. Anonymous said:
Very, very happy for all of you. Congratulations!
726. Jenn said:
So glad you are taking care of yourself as well as the baby. It's an incredible gift that you are able to actually enjoy this baby instead of worrying about survival from one minute to the next. Congratulations.
727. Kimberly said:
good for you heather -- you are an inspiration.
nobody should have to suffer the torture of post-partum depression, nor should their children or families.
something was out of whack and it sounds like you've got it all back in whack!
who in the hell should judge you for recognizing a problem and seeking a solution? you KNOW those same idiots would be judging you if you were in the news for commiting an act of desperation, so screw the judgmental idiots of the world. ignore the idiots. continue with your wonderful life, because it is just that - wonderful. :-)
thank you for your blog and for sharing your experiences with us.
728. Another Heather said:
Heather -
I SO appreciate your post, your openness and your attitude. I'm thrilled to hear that you noticed the signs early and did something about it. Let people judge...as you know, they'll do it any way! :)
As someone expecting their second daughter with no experience with depression (post partum or any other kind) it's VERY refreshing to read about someone else's experience with it. It gives me some indicators to look for in case I should experience it myself and for that I thank you.
Bless you and your family. You do ROCK.
Cheers!
729. James John Malcolm said:
Good on you for taking care of yourself!
730. kristie jordan said:
said it before, saying it again: proud of you!
731. Laura said:
I'm glad to hear you are getting help for the PPD/anxiety. I had it with the first two babies and was lucky enough with the third to start treatment and counseling before baby was born and to get on an estrogen patch after baby was born. I was able to talk about my feelings more openly with my husband and not bottling them up was such a relief. The meds saved me from a third bout and I was so much more able to enjoy the little one. Your baby is so adorable.
732. Lisa said:
Heather, Heather, Heather...what would Tom Cruise say?
LOL
Seriously, I am thrilled for you that you got help quickly and that it's allowing you to experience motherhood the way it should be. Love you to you all...
733. Alexandra said:
Heather, you are so brave! Marlo is beautiful, and you sharing your story is a great thing, I am sure you have helped more people than you will ever know. Thank you.
734. Stefanie H. said:
So glad to hear that everything is working out. And for those who think they've any right to pass judgment? Fuck 'em.
Enjoy little Marlo. You deserve it.
Stefanie
735. Lindsay said:
I'm so glad to hear that you got your meds tweaked so you can really enjoy this happy time in your life!!! FWIW, I found this site to be really helpful while breastfeeding:
http://toxnet.nlm.nih.gov/cgi-bin/sis/htmlgen?LACT
Its the National Institue of Health "Lactmed" database, and it has tons of actual facts about the effect (or non-effect) of different drugs while breastfeeding. Its completely different from the AAP wishy-washy "may be compatible with breastfeeding" labels, because it just states the facts and research.
It sounds like you are perfectly comfortable with the regimen you are on now, but this might be helpful if you end up tweaking your meds again at some point, and want some more unbiased info :)
736. Sambelina said:
Yay for feeling better!
737. christie said:
Good for you. GOOD. FOR. YOU. So important to take care of ourselves as mothers, in order to be the people we need and deserve to be. Good for you, and good for the others in your Family of Four. :)
738. Anonymous said:
Kudos to you for taking care of youself!
And, I'm still anticipating the gory and inevitably hilarious retelling of Marlo's birth. Please don't let me down!
739. Jen said:
Go, Heather!
740. Cheryl said:
Thanks for your honesty and your wit. I admire your strength and determination. I wish this site was available to me when my kids were babies or there was someone out there who was honest about how hard it is sometimes when you have a new baby. You're awesome.
741. Lindsay said:
well, it seems like i'm not alone in saying this but your blog has helped me tremendously. I am not a mother nor am I expecting but I too have some big problems with anxiety. I attribute mine to lots of major life changes in the last few years. I have been experiencing very debilitating panic attacks in the last few months and I've very recently started medication to treat them. I feel like I can come here and get a little virtual support by reading your blog and the comments that follow. I wish you and your family the best.
742. Scott said:
My God, woman, you can put some words together in amazing ways! It's a gift, I tell ya!
One quibble: I think it more properly said that umpires call runners out at home--not referees.
Keep up the good work!
743. Anonymous said:
Thank you for this. Enjoy your new family=)
744. gaby san said:
I'm glad you're thriving and feeling happy. I'm so horrified I will get depressed for no reason (which is the way real depression comes) after delivering, and I've found with being pregnant that it's one of those instances where Everyone, pregnant, unpregnant, male or robotic, feels they're opinion is right and you just should suck it, be it depression, morning sickness, labor or whatever. so I perfectly understand your decision not to discuss your treatment.
745. Paul said:
I'm so happy to hear medication has helped. Being present for a child is a wonderful gift.
746. jdw said:
I've read your blog for years and have never commented but today I have to say - GOOD FOR YOU. So glad you're taking care of yourself and your family.
747. PhD said:
I envy your courage , dooce.
748. Sonja said:
I'm really happy to read that you saw what was happening and you took action to resolve any issues. Good for you! (And your family. :) )
749. kate said:
Heather, I'm really proud of you for discussing this too-often-hidden issue. Your sharing your story helps other women know that they are not alone and to get past the stigma of "needing drugs" to bond with and handle a newborn. It's OK.
We don't have to suffer like our mothers did. Thanks to medication, we can be better mothers and our babies get the love and adoration they so deserve. Hooray for drugs!!
750. Amy said:
AWESOME!!! I'm so beyond happy for you! And Jon and Leta and...I could hug your doctor! I'm one who has been silently worrying for you, so this is fabulous news. Marlo and Leta are lucky to have a mom who knows how to take care of herself...and I know you will teach them that too.
751. Adi said:
I am glad that you are doing well. That is great that you are getting to enjoy your new bundle of joy and the rest of your family all at the same time. I hope that everything continues to go well.
752. Brookelyn said:
I'm so glad that you were able to recognize when you needed help and were knowledgable and humble enough to ask for it.
And I'm SO GLAD you get to enjoy the experience this time. When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Taking care of yourself is paramount to your babies' happiness (and Jon's).
Marlo is gorgeous and I know you're soaking up every minute of it!
753. Mary said:
You just made me cry. I am just so glad you recognized where you were, called the right Dr., the stars aligned and you got in to see him, and you are doing better. So so glad.
754. Darci said:
Wow the comments are open, you are a brave woman. How exciting for you to be able to enjoy your new dear glow worm and your family. I remember that veil of depression coming over me at the 6 week point with both of my girls and to have that savior in a the form of meds would have been wonderful. Good for you for recognizing the pain, confronting it and tell it to get the hell out.
755. tricia said:
finally....a doctor who has done his research. believe it or not, there are many, many drugs that can be safely taken while breastfeeding. most doctors are too CYA to dare to tell a mother they can take meds and continue nursing, so they don't research and tell mothers to stop nursing. which is not always the best case scenario. i'd like to kiss your doctor on the lips for actually knowing what the crap he's talking about. congratulations, by the way!
756. Maura said:
You're incredibly brave and awesome for continuing to bare all to the public. As someone who has experienced bouts of depression, I think you're amazing to 1. admit it 2. get help and 3. tell people about it.
Love those little girls as much as you can and enjoy the immense peace and happiness that comes with some moments.
757. siobhan said:
Frikkin' awesome post. Yay you. Yay Jon. Yay Leta. Yay Marlo. And Yay Chuck and Coco.
758. michele said:
Must post the screaming mimi, however the butterscotch poo you may retain for your own enjoyment. :) In the now immortal words of Ricky Bobby from the movie "Talladega Nights"..."proud a yew" for being forthright and generous with your spirit and humor.
759. Heather said:
I never comment, but wanted to today to thank you for talking about taking meds and breastfeeding. I have done it with both my kids, and faced some serious judgements for doing so. People are dumb sometimes.
760. pam said:
I love your courage. You are an inspiration.
761. Jamie said:
I am SO GLAD you found something that is working for you. GOOD JOB on being proactive enough to get something sooner rather than later.
762. jive turkey said:
Good for you for taking action & getting what you needed. I'm so happy for you & your new, extended family!
763. Chrissy said:
I don't know if you're even reading comments at this point, but thank you again for posting so honestly.
I felt I was in a vacuum the two times I had post-partum depression. I didn't discover your blog until way after I recovered, but it still helped to hear your words & know I'm not alone. How I wished I read it during my worst times.
So glad you found a doctor who is competently managing your symtoms....you are truly lucky.
Continue to enjoy your family & thanks for sharing.
764. Sarah said:
Don't sweat the breastfeeding. One of my favorite things my midwife ever said is that the breast is the filter the placenta wishes it was. The bubbies can take it ;)
765. Christine said:
Good for you! I am so happy that you were able to see that wonderful doctor again and that things got better so much more quickly. You really are an inspiration to people who fight illnesses like yours.
And Marlo is so friggin' cute!
766. Ashley said:
I am single & childless, but I still absolutely love your blog and was so excited to see the new post!
Good for you for doing what you need to do to make yourself healthy & happy, and not letting anyone shame you for it. Marlo and Leta are very, very lucky to have a fantastic BAMF mom like yourself. :)
767. Rachel said:
You should never feel guilty about taking care of yourself. You are a wonderful mother and wife. And it took an amazing amount of courage for you to admit that you needed that extra help and to actually GO GET IT. It is hard to get over what you think other people will think of you. I remember after my first child I couldn't sleep or eat and I shook constantly I had no idea what my problem was. I just had panic attacks about nothing. I lived through it without medication but only because I didn't know I might need medication! After my second child was born (and I mean RIGHT after) my husband deployed with the Army leaving me with a newborn and a 15 month old. I got on medicine immediately. And I survived. My kids are 3 and 4 now and he is deploying again. I think I will survive this time since I did it before.
So needless to say I would support whatever a Mom needed to help her be a Mom. People cannot judge you until they go through what you do. You take care of yourself first and foremost. Good Luck to you!
768. Kim said:
I was wondering how you were doing, and I am SO GLAD you got (are getting) the help you needed and are doing so well. Kudos to you - I wish more women would listen to you.
769. Anonymous said:
Thank you.
It means a lot that you write this.
No one else writes it.
But so many of us feel it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
770. Lorrian said:
BRA-VO!!!!!!!
771. Zoo said:
You and the rest of the Armstrong Clan Rock!
772. Stephanie said:
I don't usually comment, but I had to say that you are awesome for taking care of yourself so that you can better take care of everyone else. I was once in your shoes and yes, I was judged for medicating and breastfeeding at the same time... But I did what was best for my family, I trusted my doctor, and my children are now 10 and 7 and just fine! Good for you!
773. JackieHall said:
I'm so glad you got the meds you needed and are feeling so much better. Who cares what anyone thinks as long as you and your family are happy. You getting what you need so you can provide a happy healthy home for your girls is all that matters. Good for you!
774. Denise said:
Heather - I've got tears of happiness for you....
Good luck and thanks for sharing.
775. -SL said:
Kudos to you! What a success story. I'll bookmark it for future reference (like um Sept 25th, 2009.
776. sparklytosingle said:
Thank heavens you are coping well and you sound happy and you have a great doctor and support system that you can trust. This post brought tears to my eyes. I know this must sound crazy but then you probably hear it all the time... I love you guys and just want you all to be happy and healthy.
777. Becca said:
good doctors and good meds ROCK!!!
glad its all going well now.
778. HoustonGurly said:
Glad to hear you're doing okay. It doesn't matter that you ended up having to go to the doctor to do it, only that you recgonized that you needed help and are okay now. I applaud you for your honesty! You are helping so many other women. :)
779. Kim said:
I'm so glad you are doing well. I too, went through a horrible, horrible depression after my 2nd was born. I think it came back pissed at me b/c I didn't seek treatment the first time b/c I didn't know what was going on. In any case, I relate to your story, to your recovery, to what you describe in this post and it makes me feel really empowered that there is someone out there talking honestly about depression and motherhood. Enjoy your sweet girls!
780. kym b said:
yay for you and for your family! this post made me very emotional, not sure why. i just loved it.
781. Carrie said:
Great that you are taking care of yourself and you know those "all too familiar" feelings. I too suffered from PPD with my first and only son. I was embarrased because we went through fertility treatments for 2 years...then he came..and I didn't want anything to do with him! I suffered for 6 months and then had to get help.
I was curious to see if you would get it again. You dealt with it like a pro...thanks for the unintentional advise!!
Your girls are super cute!
782. Carrie said:
Just be forwarned... everytime I have that "I am SUPER MOM" moment... it's usually followed by being pooped. GOOD for you though!
783. Samantha said:
LOVE YOU DOOCE!!!! YOU ROCK AND CONGRATS ON THE NEW ONE. YOU'RE AN AMAZING MAMA AND LETA AND MARLO ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.
784. Kirsten said:
I love it. You are smart and brave. And lucky to have found a great doctor. I needed that about 18 1/2 years ago. Thank you for sharing yourself and your family. You are golden.
785. jennielynn said:
You took a huge risk, putting that out there and damn, woman, I admire you! Thanks for your honesty and transparency.
786. mountain mama said:
ADDAGIRL!!!
787. SJ said:
I'm glad to hear that you're doing fine. At the back of my mind, I was wondering how you'll cope up with post-partum blues again but I'm relieved to hear that you got helped. The second time around is much easier now, isn't it?
788. mo'brien mommy said:
Heather, Jon, Leta & Marlo,
I hope you soak up all the love these comments and your worldwide fans are sending. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. I had what I now know was PPD after the birth of my son, and reading the archives of your blogs helps me understand that there are many different types of PPD that can be cured in a variety of ways. I'm so excited that you identified that you had a problem and sought help immediately. This should prove to you that you are a FANTASTIC mommy. I'm proud of you, and it's safe to say that your fans are quite proud of you too.
I love your explanation of Marlo's yelling. Hmmm...what could that mean for her future career options? Singer in a punk band perhaps?
Keep on posting, 'cause I want to keep reading!
Michele
789. Chris A. said:
So happy that things are going well and that you knew to get yourself some help when you needed it. Keep enjoying that beautiful baby girl and your family!
790. LisaG said:
I am so, so happy for you Heather!! I'm rocking my sleeping 6 week old and love reading your experience of life with a new babe.
791. Rachel said:
I don't ever comment because I am pretty sure you will never see it with your millions of comments lovins. But I just had to add that I feel ya. I suffer with anxiety and breastfeeding on a daily basis. I wish I had your miracle. Much love.
792. Nicole said:
That's exactly how my second daughter was and still is, never cried just had an obnoxious yell and 10 months later she still has it! I think you are great, way to go for getting the help you need. Who cares what people think, you do what you need to do; if it's not harming anyone then why not take it.
793. Lisa said:
Dooce/Heather - I just want to say that you are a big part of the reason I feel like I am going to be ok when I have kids. My hubby and I are in early talks about when we'd like to start trying and I was really looking forward to hearing how things were with Marlo before I started thinking seriously about it. Yes, you are only one person, but I have gotten so much strength from hearing about how you have managed this. I take a number of anti-anxiety meds and am concerned about my high risk for PPD, but you make it feel easier - even hearing that it started happening a little again wasn't scary, because you handled it. Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
794. Just Jiff said:
hehe. I loved your description of waking up in chocolate and the walls covered in Twizzlers and hundred dollar bills. LOL.
And I was VERY surprised that you took a shower with a newborn!! I usually didn't get one until someone came home and watched her so I could shower.
As for the meds, I think its good that you're taking meds to make you happier and healthier. THAT to me is what is SAFE for your baby. I seriously doubt the doc would prescribe anything that would harm your baby. GOOD FOR YOU for taking care of YOU! We too often neglect ourselves when we have babies.
795. Beth said:
So I know I'm just repeating what everyone else has already said, but THANK YOU!! Your website made me smile through some hard times when I brought home my own newborn. She is now 7 months old and wonderful. I can't wait to hear about the labor and how things are with your family!
796. anon said:
I had the same exact experience as you. After I gave birth to my baby I couldn't sleep a wink for 48 hours. I didn't experience the euphoria just the sheer panic you felt with your first-born. I gave birth in Downtown Manhattan. after I gave birth I will never forget looking out onto the familiar twinkling, throbbing skyline. My life had changed so drastically but my NYC was still just moving on at its usual speed. When I shut my eyes I had strange visions and I thought I could smell my baby from the nursery. It was just so flipping awful. I now know what it means to have an out-of-body experience and I'd like to stay in my own skin from now on.
I never saw anyone about it and 11 months into the life of my daughter I am still going through ppd/anxiety. After recently finding your blog I am going to seek professional help. Even if you delete this and never see it I am so happy to get this out of my head. I am glad you are getting help now and feeling better. I will certainly go for therapy when I get pregnant with my second because I never want to feel that again.
Thank you and I wish you all the very best!
797. Anonymous said:
You are phenomenal, Heather!!
Good for you for knowing yourself well enough to know what you and your family needed!
Best to all you Armstrongs!
798. Anonymous said:
So glad to hear you are feeling better. And I can't wait to hear about your labour. I am going to be having my first some time in the next few weeks. I am very curious about this yelling you so colorfully describe - I can't imagine it. Can you post some audio?
799. Laurie said:
I used to be a Social Worker at a psych hospital in Torrance, CA. I used to tell my patience that asking for help is a huge strength rather than a weakness. Glad you are so strong and able to help yourself.
Take care of those babies!
800. Lisa said:
Knowledge is power. I couldn't be happier for all of you!
801. Jen said:
Thank you so much for the lovely update... I know I was definitely worried/curious/excited about you and yours. I am a nurse and I ADORE that you are so refreshingly blunt and honest about your experiences and that it is helping to take away the stigma that still surrounds mental health. My husband and I are talking about starting our family and I always wonder about my own mental health and you are consistently showing me that it will be ok as long as you have the support you need. Thank you :)
802. Katherine SOLOdotMOM said:
I am so glad they were able to resolve this for you so quickly. And what a fluke way you got in to see this great doc from your past experience!
She sounds like a wonderful bundle of joy - healthy lungs and all.
Enjoy each moment and now maybe with the panic on submission, you can truly enjoy each and every one of them.
Wishing you all the best... and def keep breast-feeding!
803. Mary said:
Just started crying reading this. I never thought it would be me, but I had ppd last year after my daughter was born - but it was a lot like what you are describing - complete and utter anxiety and panic. I'm still angry about losing that time with my baby due to the misery that I felt and I want to thank you for bringing this out into the open - I can't tell you the number of people that would immediately change the subject etc. when I would try to talk about what I was going through, I knew that I desperately needed help. Just knowing that you can ask for and receive help is a huge relief - I'm so glad you did.
804. Bobbi Janay said:
I feel your pain but still 5 months later I am still having more bad days then good.
805. Lorna Doom said:
Rock on, sister. You are such a great mom, and those two little girls are incredibly lucky to have you.
Thank you for pulling Depression out of the closet and forcing people to look at it, deal with it, and stop judging those who suffer from it - especially moms. Keep it up!
806. Anonymous said:
I'm sure your med combination is compatible with BF. As you work through this you might want to have a copy of Dr. Thomas Hale's book "Mother's Milk" it's the definitive guide of meds and BF. Many women rely upon it to get the treatments they need AND keep breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is hugely beneficial to most women's mental and emotional state postpartum, so it would be wonderful for you to continue. Kellymom.com is a great site with wonderful forums for breastfeeding support. You could just lurk, or remain totally anonymous.
807. Anonymous said:
So, was the post-delivery euphoria in part an episode of mania?
So relieved that you were able to intellectually realize what was going on and get the care you needed!
Health and happiness to you and your family.
808. jz said:
When I went thru my PP anxiety issues, I had no idea that it even existed. I'd heard about PPD, but I wasn't depressed, I was anxious. Make that, ANNNNXXXXXXIOUS. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach as your about to go over the edge of a roller coaster? Imagine that exact feeling, every 5 minutes, all day long, day after day. Oh, and your only respite is the 4 hrs of sleep you get each night. Exhausting.
I finally called my OB at the urging of a lactation support nurse I'd been seeing (b/c of course I was ANXIOUS about the whole nursing thing). He put my on Lexapro and I was so much better. I felt instantly better partially b/c I was in the process of fixing the problem. I continued to nurse my son for another 13 months. He's 5 years old now and he's fantastic. Smart, funny, and frankly a pretty mellow little guy. I didn't break him.
As I was filling my first rx for the Lexapro the pharmacist said, Are you nursing? I wouldn't take this if you're nursing.
Thanks, Walgreens drive-thru pharamacy guy. Noted. Disregarded.
809. William said:
The stitches in the lady parts, my wife calls that FrankenGina.
810. Creepy Mommy said:
Oh Em Gee! It's July 1st and you don't have a new masthead uppppp! Ahhhh!!!
I'm sure you've heard that one already, some people are botarded.
1. Your baby is scrumptious and I'm so happy for your family! (I'm sure that sounds so completely bizarre coming from a stranger.)
2. Post partum ain't no joke. From what I read you're handling it beautifully. You rock, you're an awesome mom (I can see that just through these here internets!) and you're doing an amazing job, anyone that has anything else to say should probably just suck it!
Congrats!
811. Allison said:
I hated that panic feeling. I wish I knew then what I know about those issues now.
oh and the DIMPLE! ;o) so cute!
812. Rebecca said:
*fistpump*
YEAH, DOOCE!!!
do what you need to keep yourself and your family happy, sane, and safe--God bless you for your courage, lady Heather.
813. Claire said:
Go, Heather, go!
wishing you wellness and joy.
814. Lauren said:
Congratulations to you for making it over so many hurdles with grace and humor. As if birth and the initiation of breastfeeding weren't hard enough, it is certainly crushing to think of post-partum depression being thrown into the mix. It is reassuring to know that there are doctors like yours who can treat so effectively that your budding relationship with Marlo need not be interrupted. My heart is glad for you and your family.
815. Michelle said:
So glad you have a handle on it. You do what you've got to do. And seriously, fuck anyone who thinks that because they read something you post on the Internet every once in a while they know what's right for you or your family. Fuck 'em 'til the cows come home.
(My CAPTCHA is "duced carousal." Cross my heart & hope to die. AWESOME.)
816. BKR said:
i never leave comments on anything, but i feel compelled to here. this was amazing, wonderful, a gift to women who have had babies and those who have not. thank you for sharing and for being brutally honest and for not being afraid to take care of yourself and tell everyone about it (and to shove it, as the case may be). congratulations. i am thrilled for you and your family and your ability to enjoy it all.
817. Anonymous said:
Gosh I wish I had your doctor. Each time I had PPD (twice), I was faced with an awful decision that makes being a depressed mother even more depressing: Stop breastfeeding and then you'll get some meds, or stay crazy and keep breastfeeding. I had to do a sudden weaning in exchange for the medication each time -- and I'm talking meds for garden variety anxiety, not medication for psychosis. I know my doctor was just being super cautious and that he had the baby's health foremost in his mind, but after reading your story and the others here, now I wonder, could I have had both -- my sanity and breastfeeding?
With the prevalence of PPD, you'd think that there would be some kind of nationally accepted regimen for treating nursing mothers so that more women wouldn't have to make such a wrenching decision.
818. Michelle said:
Kudos to you, Heather, for doing what you needed in order to stay in such a happy place. It's wonderful to hear you so comfortable and in love.
819. Mindy said:
I'm with Lea in 713. Big time.
Cognitive therapy doesn't do shit for PPD. NOTHING. Not a damned thing. PPD isn't RATIONAL, and discussing your childhood and your past relationships and your daddy-issues doesn't make it better.
Drugs do.
And as someone who suffers from GAD - you person with a medical background - I don't have to explain that to you, do I? I can tell you that I was given anti-anxiety medication (Xanax) that made the anxiety attacks stop THAT VERY DAY. I was also given a long term medication that took awhile to kick in (Lexapro), and once it did, I rarely needed Xanax. As my GAD was a result of PTSD brought on by witnessing and being a "first responder" in a horrible motorcycle accident wherein the motorcyclist died while I was holding his head steady and waiting for paramedics, I did seek cognitive therapy and did benefit from it immensely.
PPD? A different story all together.
Over 800 positive comments, and one fuck-head. Who will, unfortunately, speak to a woman who is in the throws of PPD and make her feel weak and crazy for needing help.
820. Anonymous said:
When I was in childbirth classes last year, the very nice but dippy hippy midwife who was teaching the class said several times that it would be better to breastfeed your infant while high on cocaine than give him or her formula. She said there is 'medical proof' that the benefits of breastmilk outweighed the risks of a little crack. While I don't fully subscribe to her way of thinking, I'm sure the drugs you're on are far safer than cocaine and you are doing the right thing by Marlo. Good work by the way.
821. Amy G. (Super Woman) said:
Heather, I'm so glad you're doing well with the PPD. It's fabulous that you recognized that things weren't going well once the adrenaline rush of labor and delivery wore off, and that you sought help - from an expert - right away. I'm glad the tweak to the meds was able to give you some relief from the anxiety.
I did not have PPD with the birth of my son 6 years ago, but I've been having problems with anxiety for the past six months or so, and it's awful. That feeling of panic, the tightness in your chest, the inability to quiet your mind.... I don't wish that on anyone. I'm glad you were able to find relief. :)
Big hugs to you, Marlo, Leta and Jon - I'm so happy for all of you!
822. Bethie said:
I just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of another beautiful daughter.
I am also so thankful that you have been so public about your battle with postpartum depression. I never struggled the way you did but I had one day where I actually looked down at my beautiful new son and thought I just wanted to put him in his crib and walk away forever. I shiver when I think about that and have amazing guilt attached to that day. I obviously didn't and I am thankful for that. You are an amazing and strong woman for what you share on a daily basis. Goodness knows I am not that strong.
p.s. You are right when you say that your medications are none of our business and that if anyone questions your breastfeeding your daughter then they are the ones at fault not you.
823. Anonymous said:
Good for you!!! When I had my second, I left the hospital with a script for meds. I was not going to wait the second time around!! Best thing I ever did. I continued to breastfeed for a year and never looked back!! Both my children are fine and I would not give up the experience of breastfeeding for anything. The only regret I have is waiting so long the first time. I was too anxious to enjoy the first 6 months of my first son's life.
824. Kaitlin said:
congratulations! I love reading your blog and I am so happy for all of you.
825. Jessica said:
So so happy for you. Thanks for sharing your inspiring stories!
826. Annie said:
I'm so happy that all is doing well, and everyone is doing okay! I can't wait to see more pictures of Marlo! Good luck to you all!
827. Ashley said:
RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON.
the 800 something people before me said it, but I have to add my voice to this chorus. You just go on wit' yo' bad self. Enjoy this love and hapiness and screw the boob nazis who are so freaking crazy. Feed that baby, love your family. You deserve this. I am an absolute fan of Better Living Through Chemistry. PPD is a dark dark place. Had it with my first. pulled through. Had #2 and had that same rush of awesomeness feeling. Then the darkness came *shrug* You just go and fix it so you can be the best Mommy you can. Good job being frank and tough.
828. Parsing Nonsense said:
Wow, your doctor sounds fantastic! So sorry you had to go through that again, but how wonderful that you have a doctor who's so good at what he does.
I'm glad you're on the mend!
829. Susan said:
Dooce - congrats on the new bundle! I completely hear you about the triumphant mascara moment. I took my one-month old to his check-up today and was doing good to get my 18-month old and the new one dressed, diapered and fed. Thank GOD I took a shower last night! I even found a clean, wrinkled shirt to wear with my black yoga pants/pajama bottoms. Woohoo!!! Oh and don't let anyone make you feel bad about the meds - I've been "poisoning" my baby since the third trimester and he's doing just fine!
830. Monica said:
Bravo to you!
831. Anonymous said:
I am so happy for you. God Bless.
832. C said:
Great post!! The Dr. sounds trustworthy so I say do whatever he says. if the baby can handle some mood stabalizer milk than go for it!!!! Who are we to judge?
833. Wendy said:
Kudos to you Heather for stepping up and taking care of the issue right away!!! You have been such an inspiration to women when you share your stories!!
834. Bagofpregnanthormones said:
As someone who has battled depression in the past (although never post-partum since I'm pregnant with my 1st) your story brings to light some of my biggest fears of what will happen next year after I give birth. However, you give me hope that all will be ok.
Also, as I am 10 weeks preggers and hormones are racing through my body, I couldn't get through your post without crying, but in a good way.
Thank you for sharing your life.
835. amy said:
hilarious, and beautiful. so happy for you.
836. Betsy said:
Heather, I just thought you would like to know that while you've been having babies and taking medication I've been moving and painting my new apartment and I just ate so many Cool Ranch Doritos I want to barf. My dog needs to go tinkle on a bush.
I read your blog in the meantime.
The fact that you are dedicated to telling anonymous people all over the world about your life is very satisfying. And now, about that masthead.
837. Amanda said:
How about a video of Marlo yelling? I wanna hear her!
838. Andi said:
Thank you so much. I've been worrying about staying on my zoloft while pregnant with wonderful#4 & equally worried about breastfeeding while on meds. Thank you!
839. Erin said:
That last sentence made me tear up. That's so great! I just got your book for my birthday yesterday and I can't wait to read it, even though I followed the whole thing as it was happening on this blog. Good for you for recognizing that there was a problem and getting it addressed so quickly. I'm so happy for you that you're able to have the babymoon you wanted.
840. Paws4me said:
"Thank you Jesus" that Heather is doing great!! Loved your book & read it in one sitting. Been wondering how things are going with your new precious girl. Thanks for the update & glad you are doing fantastic. High fives to Jon, Leta, Chuck, & Coco :)
841. Jean said:
Thank you for sharing, especially the part about breastfeeding and making the best decision for you and your baby. I know this will be very helpful for anyone struggling with ppd.
Enjoy each moment with your family Heather.
842. Sarah said:
Oh, hooray! So glad it's all working out. Thanks for sharing. It helps, you know, it really does.
843. Sarah R said:
dear heather,
i've been a regular reader of yours for a few years now and have been cheering you on in my own quiet way. but, seriously? this post made me want to leap to my feet and cheer like a drunken sports fan. you know what you need and what works for you - thank you for being so unapologetic about it. plus, i'm just very happy for you and your family of four. congrats on the whole darn thing.
sarah
844. Vampy Varnish said:
I'm really happy you got the help you needed and are feeling better! Your Doc sounds like a great man, it's nice to know there are Docs out there who DO care.
I wait all day long to read your site until lunch time as a treat. I savor every word you write and picture you post! :)
845. Jessica said:
As always, I am thrilled that you are a role model in terms of excellent self care. I'm so glad to hear you feel good! And as for the doctor, BRAVO!
846. Kelly said:
Thank you so much for sharing. You are an outstanding and entertaining writer. I loved your book. I am glad things are going well for you. I am enjoying my second baby now and after suffering PPD with my first, my doctor advised me to begin taking the medicine as soon as my second was born. I was also reassured by my doctor that breastfeeding is fine with the medicine I'm taking. She is soooo much better off having a happy mother that is able to take care of her and her big sister without any panic or crying. I can relate so much to what you have shared and I really appreciate you.
847. Sandy said:
I forgot to say in my last post that I LOVE breastmilk poo. Your description of it as butterscotch is quite apt. Butterscotch with little curds.
848. Tracie said:
I don't know why there should be any stigma in taking medication for depression. If it has been prescribed by a doctor and the patient is also in counseling, there can be healing and hope. My mom went on anti-anxiety medication while my dad was dying in the hospital and she felt guilty about it. It made a HUGE difference in her temperament and how she handled his death. I'm glad medication is available to you and that it enables you to feel balanced and to be a good wife/ mom.
849. Lisa said:
Good for you. I am so glad things are better this time, but does that mean no more books?!
850. Stephanie said:
Thank you for sharing with us and living your authentic life. So glad the meds tweak worked,and the 4 of you are doing well.
851. danette said:
Thank you for writing this Heather. Women are to often ashamed and guilty over their PPD and you are addressing this in such a fantastic way, and education so many.
Now I want to hear about the labor. That's right. I actually want to hear about it. That s another topic many women 'avoid' even though I think we are naturally curious about each others labor experiences.
852. Aggiemom said:
Awesome. Good for you! I'm glad you're taking charge of your happiness and doing what's best for you and your family. Thank you for speaking up for the rest of us who suffered in silence.
853. krhjohns said:
I am incredibly happy for you, Jon, Leta, and Marlo. Having Marlo after what you went through is one of the most courageous things I think you (and Jon) could do and you deserve every second of your happiness!
854. Aggiemom said:
P.S.
It's not butterscotch. It's buttered popcorn breastmilk poo. You'll never look at a movie theater bucket 'o corn the same way again.
:)
855. Megan said:
Thank you. You are more wonderful and amazing that even you know.
856. Katie said:
Damn, Heahter--I knew you were taking your meds while pregnant and I was really hoping that would do the trick for you postpartum too. But I'm glad if it had to happen that you nipped that crap in the bud with the doc.
And I'm very much impressed. Shower/hair AND mascara??? Wow. Awesome.
857. Anna W said:
So, so happy for you!!! I agree, the decision to breastfeed while taking whatever meds you need to take is completely personal. I take medication that is in "Class C" (which means they don't know if it's bad for your baby because no one is stupid enough to volunteer for a study of it so they're going to go ahead and assume it'll make your baby grow extra fingers and toes and maybe horns too). Anyway, after weighing the various things I knew and listening to what the doctors had to say, I made the very hard decision to go ahead and nurse and I'm so glad I did! My daughter just had her 18 month appointment today, and is doing exceedingly well both cognitively and physically. Hooray!
858. lorna said:
go heather go!!!!!!
859. Gail said:
I am so happy for you. I have been hoping that this time would be better for you and I'm so glad that it is.
On another note, I bow down to the awesomeness that is you! ANYONE who manages to make the 2-week appointment even partially together deserves praise, but to make it a breeze AND on time? You are a goddess! I know exactly how impossibly hard it is to do and I salute you!
860. MARCI said:
I am so happy to hear you are doing well...
My first son is seven months old and I was so worried about baby blues that I nearly ate my placenta. Crazy right? I learned of a thing called placenta encapsulation, where someone comes in to your home after you have the baby, cooks and then dries your placenta, then grinds it into powder form and puts it into capsules. You then take these capsules multiple times per day, as needed. This is supposedly your own hormones in pill form that help to regulate your hormones until your body kicks in to adjust. Sounds kind of weird and savage, I know, but it has apparently worked for many. I chickened out and was lucky that I did not have too many hormonal issues after he was born, so I cannot vouch for the method. Just an fyi in case you are tempted to go round three:)
861. sylvia said:
Too funny! I have a 1 year old and remember those blurry days well. You just write about it better than I ever could.
862. Christie said:
How funny. My second was a yeller too. When he did cry it was so cute, but my goodness, you did NOT make him mad. He's still that way at almost 2.
Good for you, checking on your meds before things got too bad. Me? With my 2nd, there was no way I was going to miss the first three months again. I made sure I had a prescription in hand at least a month before the baby dropped.
863. Anonymous said:
Your words give me hope. I can't possibly explain how much I have enjoyed reading your site these past few years. I am now 20 weeks pregnant with my first child, and suffered a m/c prior to this pregnancy. The words you write are therapy for me. Your honesty and fearlessness have touched me and made me feel like we can all do this. As women, as human beings we all have the ability to live our lives the way we choose. I thank you for being so open, and such an example for all of the women who might otherwise feel alone or that there is not someone out there who knows. Thank you!!!
864. Cortney said:
I'm so happy for you and your family. I have just one request. PLEASE, post a recording of the YELL! ;0) Much love!
865. MotherProof said:
Could not be more thrilled for you. Congrats again, on that beautiful child and on making choices that make your life better. Well done.
866. Shnerfle said:
I'm so glad you're writing about this already. I stayed on my meds through 2 pregnancies, and it saved lives. Possibly my own, possibly someone else, we'll never know. But I made the choice based on talking carefully with my doctor and my husband and we made the choice that was best for us. As you have done for your family.
I'm so happy for you, that this time things are going so much more smoothly. At this rate, you could have 4 more, right? :-)
867. Anonymous said:
Finished your book on vacation... it was hysterical with a pinch of seriousness. You were so brave to go through another pregnancy. I swear that my secondary infertility was caused by my brain saying to my ovaries et al, "uh, yeah, I am thinking that we will not do that again". So, we adopted!
868. patti said:
i am happy for you heather...good for you for realizing that you needed the help...enjoy that lovely little baby of yours!
869. Kay said:
Yay! I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! I walked around with that big goofy grin on my face the first two days when my boy was born. I am looking forward to your account of the birth. Big happy hug to your whole family (including Coco.
870. Emily Kennedy said:
I was honestly laughing and crying through this whole post. You are an incredible woman and I am so happy that you were able to get the help you needed. And that you were able to recognize and treat it so early this time, I bet, feels so relieving. Enjoy your time with your sweet family!
871. Anonymous said:
I am so, so happy to hear you're doing well, Heather. So happy. I suffered from PPD as well and never got the help I should have and I regret that to this day. I truly didn't start to enjoy being a mother until far later than I should have. I will never do that again—to myself, my husband or my kids.
Anyway, I'm pregnant again. And the last time I was terrified of actually giving birth. This time? That doesn't scare me much. It's the days and weeks following birth that I'm scared to pieces of. I worry I won't know the signs because sometimes when it comes to depression you don't know know just how far you are. Does that make sense? I wonder.
I've been following your second birth closely partly because I want to know that it's going to be OK for me this time as well.
Anyway, I have to remain anonymous because we haven't announced this pregnancy yet, but know that there's a gal out here who is just so happy to have read this.
Been rooting for you every day, not only just because I want to see you happy but because you've come to represent women everywhere.
872. Liz said:
Grace under pressure - glad you knew what to do this time; and all the very best for both of you and your two beautiful girls.
873. caro said:
This was brave. Thanks.
874. Mati said:
MAKE YOUR DOCTOR TELL THE OTHER DOCTORS WHAT TO DO.
Thank you.
875. Laura said:
I am so happy for you and your family. Congrats!
876. dm said:
I don't even know you, but I love you, Heather. It's really brave that you're putting it all out there, about the depression and the treating it and so on (to say nothing of the stitches in the ladybits).
We're the same age and I've yet to have kids, but I've gone through periods of smothering depression, mostly during my 20s, for which I now take meds. One of my biggest fears about having children is not taking care of them or diapers or any of that, but whether I'll lose myself in the process. Like, fall down into the hole again. You give me serious hope, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. THANK YOU.
Big love from Brooklyn and blessings to you, the yeller, and the whole fam,
Dana
877. Susan said:
You inspire me in so many ways. I am so proud for you. Hugs, dear Heather, to you and your lovable family.
878. Michelle said:
VIDEO PLEASE! Im dying to hear the yelling!!
879. Julie said:
Your writing makes me laugh, cry, want to have another baby, NOT want to have another baby-you know the whole stitches part, and want to hug my therapist, my pharmacist, my husband and my kids! Thanks!!
880. Anonymous said:
Kudos to you for admitting when you need help, and following through with getting the help you need. I'm so happy that you are well and able to enjoy this most precious time with your family. Marlo is adorable and you are so brave. Lots of love to you all! xoxo
881. Kathleen said:
Power to you!
882. Val said:
I'm so glad to see this update, Heather. I'm happy for you all! :)
883. Plano Mom said:
Hurray for YOU! Never ever let anyone make you justify either taking meds, or keeping your medical details secret. It's none of their damn business!
So happy you recognized the signs and got the help you needed.
884. Liz said:
Hearing that you have been able to enjoy the bliss that can come with a new baby brought a tear to my eye. So happy for you! And she is so cute, really, I had an urge to take a bite and I think my boobs might have leaked a little.
885. Rach said:
Can't wait...7 & 1/2 months pregnant with my first baby. Thanks for all the laughs.
886. Kitty said:
THANK YOU for writing about this, and I wish with all my heart that I knew what your doctor prescribed. I survived PPD after the birth of my 5 year old, but not with a whole lot of medical help. I got Lexapro and that was *it*. My anxiety has gotten worse since then, and I gave birth to my second child last Monday.. I had to go through the pregnancy med-free because I couldn't find a Dr out here in LA who had enough knowledge to confidently prescribe anything. So I barely hung in there, and now the anxiety is back, haunting what should be a wonderful time for us. But it seems like the psychiatrists I've found either don't know how to treat this combination of depression, PPD and anxiety or aren't accepting new patients. It's a mess.
887. DesignGirl said:
Good for you for NOT going into what meds you take! You're absolutely right ... it is YOUR business!!
Thanks for this post. As a woman who will most likely end up never having children (partially by choice, partially by other factors), I have found myself carrying a child, delivering it, and enjoying these first few weeks of life vicariously through you. Thank you. Thank you a million times over. I find myself hanging on every word and every emotion.
This weekend I've made a promise to myself to get off my ass and go buy BOTH your books.
888. Anonymous said:
fucking yea! sincerely. xo
889. Sarah said:
I'm happy for you Heather, that you can enjoy this newness of life with clarity. What a blessing to have an amazing doctor!!!
890. Anonymous said:
I am fairly new to your blog and so don't know all the details of your PPD with Leta-I do need to get the book. Anyway-I so know what you mean about loving all of the experiences with Marlo and how you love Leta even more. I went from very successful career woman to very complete wreck after my first child was born. Unfortunately, I had no support from my family(who actually told me I was being a bad mother) and my husband just checked out because he didn't know how to deal with it. I remember driving home alone from the doctor 3 weeks post-partum and thinking if I hit the bridge abutment all the pain and anxiety would stop. Thankfully I never wanted to hurt my baby but I was so isolated and fearful-if there was something wrong, they would a) lock me up b) take my baby. I spent days alone in my house and never got meds-I was very fortunate to have my best friend from college call me every day(since I wouldn't eat sometimes) long-distance and got into a therapist when my baby was 4 months old. He made me realize I was not crazy and got me through the worst. When I had my second child, I was so unbelievably fortunate to not have a rematch with PPD. I felt the way you did right now. I applaud you for making this known-I felt so ashamed and required to be secretive about it. If I had read your book a dozen years ago when I was going through this, it would have been so different. My very best wishes for your family and you-
891. stinkerbean said:
Holy shit. I am sitting here in a kitchen of used straw cups half-filled with warm, organic milk and filthy high chair trays gearing up for the nite-nite kitchen cleanup hour, and I am almost crying. It was very brave of you to take that step and contact the doctor you wanted to see. There is nothing so tumultuous and brilliant as motherhood and I'm so happy you're taking control of your path this time. Hokey, eh, sure. But, without hokey how the hell could we push these things out of us and still want cuddle the stinky buggers.
What else can I say? Rock on mama.
892. Anonymous said:
The same thing happened with my second baby. Didn't think the PPD was coming back and then with the anxiety and panic attacks. Saw a fantastic doc, got my meds straightened out and then right back to loving my new little guy and the rest of our wonderful family. Hurrah for you and hurrah for me and hurrah for all the other happily back to normal mamas who have gone through it too!
893. Diane said:
Yay for you! It is so nice to read that the second baby really is so much easier than the first. How great that you were able to get the help you need so quickly.
894. kate said:
Who is your doctor and how can I get a hold of him? I have never responded to conventional treatment and this guy seems to have a gift. PLEASE email me.
895. Erin C. said:
Awesome. How awesome and great for all of you. I have tears in my eyes just reading this. I am so happy for you I just don't know what to say. I've been there myself, so I am utterly sincere.
Now I just want a video clip of that baby "cry" to make the rest of my week complete!
896. MamaLana said:
Thank you for telling us, and stay well and happy. Blessings to you all!
897. Alice said:
Must hear the yelling! I can't imagine it. I've never heard yelling from a baby, just screaming. And pooping.
Cannot imagine why anyone would DARE tell a mom that she's poisoning her baby by taking medication that HELPS THE MOM and is prescribed by a doctor who knows what he's doing, but...to each her own. It amazes me at the amount of people who will just not shut the fuck up and mind their own fucking business. You're doing an amazing job. Rock on, Heather!
898. Anonymous said:
You seem manic.
899. Kristi said:
Comments are still open? Whew! Just want to say, "WAY TO GO, HEATHER!!!!!!!!" I am so impressed that you had the presence of mind to take care of your problem right away, and I am SO glad that your doctor made that mistake and brought you in to his office.
And for what it's worth, I've finally found the right doctor, and got a diagnosis, and she's not trying to give me antidepressants, which I don't need, but she is pushing that anti-anxiety medication, which I do need, and I finally feel like I'm on my way to Normal Street, and you've been a part of this journey for me, so thank you a thousand times, thank you.
Your daughters are lucky kids. Enjoy your babymoon.
900. Anonymous said:
having been where you are/were with the PPD I am so glad that you are on meds and feeling well. it is a remarkable feeling to be in love with your child and without those meds, it might not have been possible (for either of us)!