Familiar territory
Yesterday morning after a bit of a blurry night, one that resembled the many blurry nights before it where the newest member of the family periodically yelled orders and shot butterscotch poo four feet up and out the back of her diaper — wait, have I mentioned yet that Marlo doesn't cry? I'm serious. She doesn't string together a chorus of wailing like many other babies her age, but, and this is a HUGE but, a Kardashian-sized but that makes everyone in the room stop and stare and wonder HOW IN THE WORLD that thing fits through a door, the kid can yell. And I mean, YELL. Like, the referee has just called the runner out at home base and the coach runs out, throws his ball cap on the dirt and starts rattling off a string of obscenities that I wouldn't even repeat on this website, I KNOW CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT, that kind of yelling. Pot-bellied, weathered by years of tragedy and illness and unemployment kind of yelling. Drunk on scotch and just got home from the coal mine yelling.
Where was I? Right, yesterday morning. Somehow all the pieces came together and everything that normally has to get done on a Monday morning got done. Leta got dressed, the dogs got fed, Marlo burped and ate and yelled about the wet diaper that had leaked all over her onesie. And then, here's the kicker, I took a shower, washed my hair and applied mascara. If you've never lived with a newborn you're probably going, huh? What? There's a point to this? YES. IN FACT THERE IS A POINT. AN EXCLAMATION POINT. A THUNDERING HERD OF THEM. Because then we got into the car and made it to Marlo's two-week check-up on time. Without any crying or screaming or chucking heavy appliances across the room. I guess the only way to explain the significance of this to someone who hasn't ever lived with a newborn is to imagine waking up in a bed of liquid chocolate next to a naked supermodel. And then suddenly you realize that while you've been sleeping someone came in and wallpapered your room with Twizzlers and one hundred dollar bills.
I felt so powerful, so victorious, like I could crush solid granite with my hands. I wanted to turn cartwheels across my front yard, except for that whole STITCHES IN THE LADY PARTS thing. Yes, I did just go there, my apologies to the 19-year-old boy who is reading this in his mom's basement. Listen, you just go right ahead and think that all women wax themselves bald down there like the pictures you see in that stack of porn underneath your bed and pretend I didn't just suggest that on occasion, when the MIRACLE OF LIFE is involved, that beautiful flower of a body part has to come face to face with a needle and thread.
Now, on to something I feel like I need to tell you right away. When I sat down to write this I realized that this is a bit out of order, that I should tell you about labor first, but then I felt like I shouldn't wait because so many of you are wondering and have written to ask, how are you? How are you coping? Do you think the dark cloud is going to eat you alive again? Because what I experienced after Leta was born was so monumentally awful, bad enough that I eventually ended up in a hospital. What if it happens again? You know the odds are that it will happen again, right? Aren't you scared out of your mind?
And so this is what's going on...
The adrenaline rush I experienced after going through a natural birth was unlike anything I've ever lived through before. It was so powerful that I didn't sleep for over 48 hours, and I was giddy, so happy and high and certain that I could move mountains. From the moment they laid Marlo on my chest I was in love, and she and I bonded instantly. For two days she was attached to my chest and I did nothing but marvel at her every feature. That fascination with her has not changed, and neither Jon nor I are experiencing any of the shock that we did when we brought Leta home. In fact, it feels like we are just continuing where we left off when Leta suddenly shifted from newborn to giggling baby. Breastfeeding is so much easier this time. In fact, it's an absolute joy, and both Jon and I can change a diaper with one hand while multi-tasking with the other. There is none of the crazy stress that was there when our lives shifted from childless couple to Family of Three.
However, on day three something happened. At first I thought it was the sleep deprivation catching up with me, so I ignored it. But by day five and six I couldn't pretend I was okay anymore. I started having panic attacks and such severe anxiety that my hands started to contort and clutch into twisted positions that I could not relieve. I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep, and my mind started spiraling into dangerous places. I was so angry, so frustrated because there was no reason to feel this way. Intellectually I knew everything was okay, and my god! I knew what I was doing! I loved the baby and knew how to meet her needs! WHY WAS I PANICKING?! There just wasn't a good explanation for my crippling anxiety, but there it was. And it was robbing me of the experience I was determined to have.
So early last week we called the doctor who treated me in the hospital back in 2004. He does not normally see patients who are not in the hospital, but by some lucky twist of the universe he thought I was someone else, someone whom he owed a favor, and agreed to see me as an outpatient. And two days later I'm sitting there on a couch in his office facing him as he contorts his face in an effort to figure out just who the hell I am. And I'm sweating, and the anxiety is crawling up my body and paralyzing my neck, and he's all, hmm... you're not who I thought you were. But here you are, and dear God, woman. You look just awful.
So he pulled up my record from five years ago, glanced back at me, looked back at his computer, and that's when I involuntarily blurted out, "I wrote a book about my experience in the hospital." Maybe to let him know that I was serious? That here I was dumb enough to try and do this whole thing again? And he immediately whipped his head around and said, "You're THAT woman?"
Yes. Indeed. THAT woman. The woman who writes about poop and hemorrhoids and stitches in her vagina YES DEAR GOD THAT'S ME. Listen, my Republican, Mormon, gun-owning father read my book and he still loves me! That counts for something, right? I guess his wife had heard about my book, and when she was describing it to him he knew immediately that I had to have been someone he treated because of the speed with which I healed. He treats postpartum depression very differently than most doctors, and his patients usually see results instantly. And that is exactly what happened with me in the hospital five years ago, I took a cocktail of meds and within two hours I felt like a different person.
So we did a lot of talking, and since he's been treating women for this very condition for over 30 years I did a lot of listening and learning. The odds were completely stacked against me, and he said that if I had been gearing up and treating the possibility of this in my third trimester I might have been able to avoid it. But since I didn't it was time to attack it now. So he made a minor tweak to my meds and asked me to come back and see him in two weeks, and I am not even kidding, I felt better that night. In fact, better does not do what I was feeling justice. I felt free.
So what about breastfeeding? That's what you're all wondering, I know, and this is what I'm going to say: he thinks that what I'm taking is perfectly safe to take while breastfeeding. He's prescribed it before to women who are breastfeeding and everything has been perfectly fine. No, I'm not going to talk about what I'm taking because one, it's no one's business, and two, I don't care that you think I'm poisoning my baby. I also think that anyone going through this needs to consult their own doctor and make an informed, personal decision about their individual situation. And then go on and live a better, happier life.
I've been on the new meds for over five days, and I haven't had a panic attack once. I feel like a regular person who has an infant and can handle it, and during my pregnancy that was exactly what I was aiming for. Turns out I needed a little help, a tiny adjustment, but here I am and I am loving it. I love what it has done to my relationship with Leta, what it has helped me see and appreciate in Jon, and I love that I can barely stand to be away from that baby for a minute. Jon has been watching Marlo so that I could write this, and a little bit ago he came rushing downstairs with this kicking, yelling, hungry bundle in his arms, and it was like I hadn't seen her in years. And that yelling... that raucous, staccato, one-too-many-beers yelling... it didn't make me cringe, it made me laugh.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
301. Suzanne said:
Go dooce! So glad you got the help you needed quickly. Too many women suffer for too long, and some never get the help they need. I had PPD with my daughter, who's now 17 months old. I'm scared to have another, but I know I'll be ready in time. Just need a bit more time. You are an inspiration! Thank you!
302. Candy said:
I am so damn happy for you I could YELL! :)
303. Susan said:
Thanks! and...congratulations! Peace to all four of you and the dogs.
Susan
304. Jenna said:
It takes a very real, very rare form of strength to admit and confront our weaknesses. Bravo.
305. heather said:
bully for you! that baby has gorgeous eyes just like her sister...
306. Laurie said:
As one former psych patient to another, let me say that I am thrilled to read that you're doing so well! Also, the dimple photo was just adorable. Be well.
307. Karen J said:
GOOD FOR YOU! You should be happy and in love and enjoying every moment of that glow worm!
308. Leah said:
You rock mama! So glad you have such a great doctor to help facilitate the wonderful experience you all deserve!!
309. Viv said:
Heather, you are VERY brave. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. Good luck and lots of happy days ahead for you and your family.
310. Issa said:
Heather, I am so thrilled for you. Absolutely thrilled.
Enjoy that beautiful girl.
311. Nancy said:
Bless you. I'm so happy that you're happy and healthy. I suffer from depression myself and meds have changed my life. You do what you need to do to be there for Jon and your beautiful girls and you. Life is too joyful to spend it under a dark cloud.
312. Wendy said:
oh, so glad to hear this! You sound so happy and joyous and just down to your toes content, it brought tears to my eyes.
313. Renee said:
It takes someone very brave to seek help for something they they thought they had control over. It is very hard for me to suck it up and admit that I need help. The times that I have gotten help, I really do feel a sense of immediate relief knowing that it is no longer solely my responsibility to keep myself from having a complete meltdown!
Planning child number two, I really do fear going back to the place where I sob every time I nurse my baby and feeling like there is nothing I can do to make her happy. Amazingly though, I am willing to take that risk again...
314. Missy said:
My second, a girl now 13 months, is a yeller. Not a crier or a screamer...possibly a bellower. My sweet god she was drunk in a bar loud. Still is. I have realized it is really the only way for her to survive in this house with her crazy parents, her maniacal 4 year old brother, and complete and utter spaz of a shetland sheep dog. Loud is how you get served around here.
And glad you are sorting things out. It took 6 months or the PPD to hit this second time around and it was like a kick to the head. Thank god for sweet sweet meds and very smart doctors.
315. Anonymous said:
Keep enjoying Heather....your happiness makes me smile.
As a mother of three grown kids, I know how hard it is when they are so young...and I know how wonderful it is
God Bless, keep on keep'in on!
316. Anonymous said:
Ok, as a self professed breastfeeding Nazi, I do not want to talk you out of breastfeeding. However, though your mental health doc says the meds are OK, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, if you haven't already done so, check with your pediatrician, OB/GYN and/or a lactation consultant. They often have info that other doctors don't look into regarding meds. I am speaking from experience.
Congratulations on taking care of yourself and your family! It sounds like you are truly enjoying your new miracle and that's the BEST!
317. Sarah said:
I've been thinking for a long time how nice it would be if your doctor could read all of the powerful tributes you've written about him, how you've said you owe that man your life. And maybe now, because of this second encounter, he will.
I'm so glad to hear things are on the upswing for you.
318. Kate said:
So glad for you. Congrats!
319. Amy said:
As I am sure many people have written you this same sentiment, I also just have to say that I so admire your courage in sharing your story. My friend is one of the most incredible mothers one can meet. After the birth of her only child 4 years ago, she began a living hell which involved hearing the spirit of her dead mother coaching her on how to kill her son, and finally, being taken away in a straight jacket after running down the street naked. She has always been very concerned with having child #2 though surely is finding your experience inspirational.
320. Anonymous said:
Just wanted to tell you... I too suffered severe PPD with my first And I was terrified when I became pregnant unexpectedly with my second. See, we didn't want a second; the PPD was that bad - although I have grown to adore my firstborn with a passion borderlining on crazy. I wasn't sure that would happen again and hubby and I both thought better not take that risk.
So I got pg accidentally, and gave birth 7 weeks ago, stayed on meds throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding at my doctor's insistence, and this experience is SO MUCH UNLIKE The first. I love this newborn. I love this. This is the normal way, this is why people have more than one baby. And it shows me how abnormal the PPD made my experience last time - and I am grateful that both of us, you and me, got to have it this way too. God bless.
321. Kathy said:
All that matters is that you take care of yourself and your children. Well done and congrats!
322. Lisa Rae @ smacksy said:
Bravo.
And god bless the pharmaceuticals.
xoxoxo
323. Pam said:
I want to cry for you out of happiness because you are getting the experience you deserve and for myself out of sadness because I did not. Blessings to your family and to that wonderful doctor who is most certainly your guardian angel.
324. Amber said:
I'm so glad you got help. I suffered PPD when my daughter was born in April and reading about your experience helped me through those days before my meds started to work. And I also breastfeed on my meds. Congrats on the new baby! As you know, it goes by so quickly, so just sit back and enjoy!
325. April said:
I am glad to hear that you and your family are doing well.
Looking forward to hearing more from you in the future.
326. Yolanda said:
I cannot imagine the pressure you must feel on some level to write this experience as an epilogue to "It Sucked..." and to paint everything as good and wonderful and sunshiny happy. Were I in your shoes, I know that's how I'd feel. But you are so much braver than I am. You've come to this page again and you've told us honestly, as you have so many times before, what it's like when you're brain chemistry betrays all the love you're feeling in your heart. You honor every mother with your honesty.
For every thank you and me-too you receive here, I'm betting their are a hundred who are too paralyzed with grief and shame. But this post offers so much hope to those who are cuddling their children wight now, while crying in a dark place.
And I had a yeller, too. I have no idea what a soft, newborn cry is. Because mine has shrieked at the top of her lungs since day one.
327. jenny said:
good for you! :))
328. Carole said:
I'm heart-glad for you. You deserve it.
329. Florida Jen said:
I am so incredibly happy for you! Enjoy yourself!
330. liv said:
awe. some. that's all. :)
331. Steph said:
Thank you for sharing your story. I have four children and it wasn't until my third child was NINE months old that I realized I had PPD. Got on meds the day my fourth was born and had a completely different and happier experience. I was always functional but not happy. My dr. was comfortable with me breastfeeding with the meds I was on. Never saw any issues with my son and he's 21 months old.
332. Sam said:
Loved your book - couldn't put it down. Love that you are feeling better. Marlo is gorgeous.
333. Melissa said:
Dude. We don't know each other and I've never been pregnant, but I want to say how geniunely happy I am to hear that you are feeling happy.
Thank you, Heather, for doing what you do--I hope that you know what your writing does for people. It helps them feel good and normal. And some of us even pee our pants a little when we're reading. At work.
Thanks for that, too.
334. T said:
Good for you. Keep breastfeeding. Keep taking your meds. The vast majority of medications are safe during lactation. You're lucky to have such a dedicated doctor for both your mental health and nursing relationship with your daughter.
335. Soph said:
Love you, Heather. xxS
336. Anonymous said:
Awesome. Just Awesome.
337. J. Bo said:
Oh, sweet chocolate Moses, Heather, I am SO GLAD you wrote this post! Bless you for seeking/getting such excellent help AND THEN TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT IT.
On behalf of everyone in the world who suffers/has suffered from depressive/anxiety disorders, you are a wonderful and inspiring "shero."
And please give Marlo (and Leta!) extra big smooches and squishes for all of us out here on the Internet... plus a couple extra yummy treats for Chuck and Coco (even though she is a "little shit," she's wise enough to know that the new baby is SO TASTY she needs to be licked periodically).
xoxoxo
338. Rebecca said:
I breastfed my first two on depression/anxiety meds and am doing so again with my third. I cringe every time I see the label on my medicine which reads DO NOT BREASTFEED WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICINE even though there are no indications that the medicine hurts breastfed children in any way. (Even the "official literature" says this, so I guess the pharmacy is just covering its ass.) My six year old can talk and my four year old doesn't have an extra arm yet, so I assume my new little one will be fine, too.
And having grown up with an insane mother impeded by her own depressive illness without meds or therapy, I can say that my children are in far less danger of any ill effects!
Breastfeeding was also so much easier for me the second time (and even easier the third!). In general everything is easier with the baby, there is just an adjustment to having more than one child.
Try to keep sleeping as much as you can ... I know my worst anxiety just gets worse when I don't sleep. Wait, I can't believe I just said that to a post-partum woman. I should smack myself. Like sleep is possible! :-)
339. kimberly said:
Kuddos to you Heather! Mothers everywhere need to learn to take better care of themselves. It sounds like you're doing a great job!
340. Lisa said:
Good for you. I had panic attacks after my babies and I only wish I had a doctor who was as aware as yours seems to be.
Good luck with everything!
341. Kathy said:
Heather -
Only the best of wishes for you and your family. The picture of the dimple made me laugh out loud. You should be proud that you are taking the right steps to ensure your and your family's health and happiness. Enjoy this time!
342. Angie said:
I totally know what you ment by the shower thing. I can remember after my last child was born, one day out of the blue I felt like the most amazing person in the world, because I was able to take my kindergartener to school, shower and make lunch for my other kids. WOW, what a feeling!
Glad to hear from you! Your posts help my sanity!
343. Sara said:
I completely understand where you're coming from. Bravo for getting help right away! I applaud you. And *F* what anyone else thinks about you and your meds. You're doing the best thing you could do for Marlo, yourself & your family.
I have my own PPD story, and things were soooo much different with my second.
Enjoy her. :)
Sara
344. Susan said:
So glad to hear it's going well and that you're advocating for your own health. And kudos for telling the strangers of the internet to kiss it if they want to know more. You're so right - it's none of their business and judgment of others is to be shoved up the ass. I am so very, very glad for you and Jon.
345. Kelly said:
That is so great! Cheers to you!!!!
346. Regina said:
I'm so happy for you! After having severe PPD with my first one, I stayed on medication all through my second pregnancy and afterwards during breastfeeding as well. Not only did it keep me sane (and PPD-free) but I was able to actually ENJOY having a baby for the first time in my life! There was no affect on my child at all except that she now had a happy mommy instead of a crying maniac unable to take care of her. Ignore the criticism. Some people are simply beyond ignorant.
347. Christina said:
you rock. period. end. of. story. YOU ROCK!
348. Margot said:
So, so sweet. I appreciate your honesty and bravery.
349. CA said:
I'm so glad you are feeling well and are able to really enjoy your new baby and your new family of 4.
I'm planning to give birth naturally in September (my first birth) and everyone looks at me like I'm crazy when I tell them my plans to go drug free...so I'm really looking forward to reading about your experience, the good the bad and the ugly (hopefully more of the first than the other two :)
350. Kaia said:
Heather,
I have for a decade or so, been terrified of becoming pregnant because I can't function without my very shiny, very yummy meds.
Reading this made me so very happy, because, obviously, it's possible. It means a lot that you put it out there. Thank you.
351. May said:
I experienced similar panic attacks about a month after my daughter was born. I have a history of anxiety and my doctor prescribed some meds and also told me that they were safe for the baby. Whatever people say, you & your doctor made the best decision for your family. Glad you're feeling better :)
352. Jae said:
Heather
Thank you for sharing this. You are truly an inspiration. What originally brought me to your site was an amazon search on books about PPD. The title made me laugh and I knew you'd be someone who was right up my alley.
The prospect of PPD is something that I secretly lived in fear of. I have a family history of severe depression, and I am currently experiencing Better Living Through Psychopharmacology. I'm planning to get pregnant sometime in the next 4-5 years and have discussed with my therapist how to approach pregnancy and medication--the meds I am on now are contraindicated during pregnancy. So among the talk to switching meds, going off meds and switching to twice weekly therapy, etc, I wondered "well, that'll help *during* the pregnancy, but what about after?" My therapist confirmed that I am a very likely candidate to have PPD and that it would be a bridge to be crossed when we got to it. That confirmation alone was terrifying. Hence the amazon search that lead me to you.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through what you went through after your first pregnancy....as someone who's suffered the ravages of regular depression (if there is such a thing) I can only imagine how awful it is once the raging hormones are added in. But reading about your experiences then, and your recovery, and how now you've been able to nip the situation in the bud fills me with so much hope that I'm not as scared anymore. Yes, I very well may have PPD, but it *can* be handled, and it *can* be managed, and you've taught me that. So while I'm sorry you had to go through it, in a way, I'm so glad you did (if you understand my meaning), because you have helped me and so many other women who may/will/are suffering from PPD. You overcame it (twice!) and so will we.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Thank you for being an amazing, hysterical, balls to the wall, no nonsense writer. Your family is beautiful and I am so glad that you are so happy and feeling so content and complete. That is a feeling (one I feel you can only get once you've had children) I am very much looking forward to, and I just thought I should let you know that you've helped me understand that I can and will feel the same way some day.
Much love!
PS, total props for natural childbirth. My pain threshold is so low I think I may have to be sedated a full week before the onset of labor ;)
353. Kelsey said:
Heather, I'm so glad to hear that everything is going well for your family. Recently, after a year of coping well with my own clinical depression, I felt the cold, lonely feeling creeping back but was in denial and did not treat it right away. It's a disappointment to initially have to admit to yourself that something's wrong - I always feel like I've done something wrong - but in the end, it's very empowering to be yourself again. You are so strong to have recognized this right away and taken action. You are a great advocate for those people with mental health issues. Keep sharing your story.
354. Meredith said:
I am so happy to hear how well things are going. I also took meds while feeding both of my children breastmilk and, well... wait, is that why they are both insane? Hee hee. They are awesome healthy children. So glad all you needed was a little tweak. And your doctor sounds awesome.
Day three postpartum was for me, both times, the day of the Hormone Crash. I remember after my first child was born I was sitting in bed hysterically asking my nurse why I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't sad. There wasn't anything wrong with me (well except for the huge incision across my abdomen and blood gushing from between my legs, eww), so why did I feel so crazy? The nurse kept laughing and assuring me that it was normal. The things they don't tell you...
Oh yeah I also want to see a video of the yelling. Marlo sounds like quite a character.
355. Mary Jo said:
Good for you Heather! You do what is best for you and your family and who gives a shit what other people think! I'm so glad to hear things are coming together. :-) Can't wait to hear the birth story!
356. Melanie said:
Good for you! You write about something that many women deal with post-partem. I hope you send this post to Tom Cruise.
357. E2WCoastMom said:
You are amazing. You are courageous.
Good for looking after yourself. Good for moving quickly to get yourself what you needed. Good for recognizing that what you were feelings didn't match your experience. Good for looking for a way to regulate those darn hormones that can so wreak havoc on a woman and her mind post partum.
And, then, on top of it, that you have the courage and caring to share your story so that others in a similar position can understand what is going on and get the help that they need is nothing less than humbling.
Thank you for sharing your story.
358. kat said:
Good for you, Heather. You take care of yourself and feed that baby and relish in every second of it. I am very very proud of you.
359. Jeannette said:
Good for you! It takes extreme courage to do something for yourself that makes you not only a better person, but a better mother. Enjoy your beautiful family!
360. Jenn said:
All I want to say is YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I'm so glad you got the adjustment that is making this experience so great the 2nd time around! Now please post a video of the little drill sergeant! That sounds absolutely hysterical! Perhaps Sgt. Gloworm should be her new nickname?
361. Karen said:
Thank goddess for doctors with big hearts, medication with healthy results and sweet, sweet newborns!!!! Oh Heather, I'm so very happy for you and your family that increases it's 'love quotient'!! Keep us updated 'cause we're all hoping for the very best for you--
362. Emma said:
I loved this post so much that tears came to my eyes!
I'm so terrified that I'll go through what you went through when you had Leta when I have a baby but this post made me feel much better.
Thank you so very much for having the courage to share your life with the world. You have no idea how much I appreciate it and I'm sure I'm not alone.
363. Andra said:
I read the whole thing and I'm so very glad you are feeling better, but STITCHES? NEAR MY FLOWER?
So glad I know what to look forward to in a few years. Holy God.
364. Peggy said:
This is great news! You are awesome and doing exactly what you need to do. This made me smile - big time!
365. Summers said:
Heather you are so awesome and I've been following your blog for quite some time. I have a 2 month old girl and a 5 year old son. Took prozac during this pregnancy and have been having such a hard time since her birth. Went to my psychiatrist and told him about my anxiety, moods, etc. and he prescribed adderall. Seems to be working OKAY, but I still feel completely overwhelmed, nothing like myself, etc. I'm in Southern CA but I would love to know your doctor's name and/or his "approach" to treating PPD. Nothing seems to be working for me so I've accepted that I need to suck it up. But after reading your post I'd love to learn what you were prescribed or the name of the doctor so I can get back on the road to sanity. You truly help so many people and I laughed about the mascara, it's like I look in the mirror and don't even know who the hell I am!!! Good for you and keep it up!!!! Your kids are lucky to have you and you are a GREAT writer!!!
366. Randa @ Honestly Crazy said:
Sounds like you're doing great and so glad to hear it. There is nothing better than having a new little one, except having a new little one with an older sibling huh? One kid is great. Two is exponentially sweeter, just seeing the two of them together.
I think we're going to need a video of the yelling by the way. You know, in all that spare time you have to do stuff like that. ;)
367. Michelle said:
Heather-
I suffer from GAD and don't yet have children. The idea of going through what you have experienced scares me to death, and I just know I'll have challenges with PPD. That being said, your blog inspires me and encourages me not to be afraid of the "what ifs" about having a baby. And although you have experienced past struggles, your blog entries describe so beautifully how worth it is all worth it. Thanks for your honesty, your humor, and for simply being you.
From one Utah girl to another, congrats on your happiness, and your two beautiful little girls!
~Michelle
368. Mo said:
I sincerely appreciate your honesty in dealing with postpartum issues. My son was born about eight weeks ago, and I feel like your candor and eloquence on coping during the newborn phase make me feel more at peace with my own difficulty coping. Your girls are so lucky to have such an emotionally brilliant Mama.
369. Anonymous said:
you are the only reason I haven't given up on idea of possibly, maybe having children--via my own body (adoption an option but that scares me too). I'm TERRIFIED of what will happen if on/off meds during/after pregnancy. would need to find a really good doctor as u did-mine right now is fine for managing meds, not so sure appropriate for pre/post natal care. thanks for being honest and letting us know-I'd definitely been wondering and worried about you. Rock on! :)
370. Carrie said:
I'm SO glad! I had been wondering about your post partum stuff and wondering if it had reared its ugly head again......it always does for me - but becomes a little less scary and paralyzing each time since I've dealt with it once before. I've had three babies and each time had the sleepless nights/sweat attacks/panicky thoughts/horrible thoughts/staticky brain......and it worked out each time through careful consideration of a combo of drugs that were safe for me and the baby to continue breastfeeding, and it did the trick each time. I'm so thrilled for you to feel so triumphant - if you're already feeling this good, it's smooth sailing from here!
371. Maurina said:
Damn Skippy, girl - take the medically proven, safe-for-breastfeeding medication that saves your life. Hells yeah. Keep your chin up.
372. Beth said:
I'm very proud of you! Period.
373. Ritamarie said:
Good for you (and Marlo!) that you are continuing to breastfeed. So many people give up because of medications that have no effect on the baby. The benefits of breastfeeding far outweigh the risks of many medications. Congratulations and all the best to you, Jon, Leta, Marlo, Chuck and Coco!
374. Jessica said:
I'm so glad you were able to go and get treatment and that it again worked so fast! I wish I'd had my anxiety and depression treated. I'm still here, so it wasn't as bad as yours, but I know the so anxious you can't breathe or move feeling. I'm so happy for you and your family that you can enjoy this wonderful time with a new family member.
375. Rowdy Grammy said:
Good on you Heather. Keep it up. Don't listen to the naysayers.
I'm so pleased that you got help, I am so happy for you and your family. As someone who has suffered in this way myself, and who got no help, I am delighted to hear that you are able to get what you need to live your life.
Now I'm going to have a cry (a good one).
love to all of you from Melbourne Australia.
376. Melissa N. said:
Yay Heather! If people give you crap for taking care of yourself & your family..they can suck it! You are so brave to share this with the world, I have trouble sharing my own depression story with my own family. Have been of meds for at least 9 years, & I just felt ready to tell them a few months ago! You totally rock & I hope that it's smooth sailing for you now.
377. Lar said:
I hope that no one leaves a single comment criticizing you for takings meds, although that may be wishful thinking. I think you are incredibly brave and deserve much applause for sharing your story, so other people won't feel alone or afraid, and so other moms will be brave enough to get the help they need.
Good on you.
378. ma2one said:
I'm a IBCLC.
Yes you can and should take your medication while breastfeeding. We have some much solid research to back up the safety.
Enjoy!
379. Susan said:
Brava, my Good woman! Hell, I breastfed my child whilst taking meds to help me retain sanity and usefulness as a human being annnnd...my son is an 8 year old miracle of wonder, joy, stubbornness, insecurity, musical talent, Sportacaus extraordinare and the handsomest darn little man I've ever met. All said with the Motherly Pride of a survivor who did what she needed to do during the most confusing and heart breaking time of her life.
380. Anonymous said:
Good for you. Nobody knows what is best for you and your baby except you and your doctor. I'm so happy for you. Continue sending along pictures of Miss Marlo. She is too cute!
381. Carolyn said:
SO Happy for you, because this is what it's all about! =)
382. michelle said:
you go girl! I went through alot of slack when I had my daughter 5yrs ago..Between the opinions of health care workers, my doctor and myself..I felt like I was the worst mother on earth..because I was feeling sad, and couldn't breast feed...Now I realize...WHO THE HECK CARES WHAT ANYBODY THINKS..a good mom,,does what she has to do to take care of her baby...whether it's meds to stabalize moods swings..or formula because your milk won't come in or your baby won't suck....A good mom..takes care, and feeds, and puts a roof over her baby's head..and anything else that has to be done in between..is nobody's business..
I praise you for doing what you knew you needed to do..and for having the courage to write about it! You go girl!
383. Christine said:
Yes, me too, I also want video of yelling baby! She is so beautiful!!
Poor lady parts. Yay medicine!
384. Joy said:
I'm so very happy for you that you found your way to be calm and well so you can enjoy Marlo! Very very. Three whole verys!
btw, not that it matters, but we were due date twins. This 2nd baby kicked her way out June 1 though. Even with that extra time, I have not yet managed anything remotely as impressive as mascara, but I did yank that random chin hair that keeps poking out. I can be proud of that, right?
385. Sarahtoo said:
Heather, this is wonderful. Wonderfully written, and wonderful news. I'm so happy for you and your being in love with your baby and your life, and I'm so proud you'd think I was related to you! Nope, just a long-time reader, first-time commenter who thinks you're the bomb but has been too shy to say so. You rock!
386. katie said:
wow, how fantastic!! again, you help me keep hope alive that i can do it the 2nd time around (still fictional), and be sane and together and not feeling like my world was falling in on me. hurrah for meds!!
and to all those poo-poo-ers of breastfeeding while on meds - the risks of a little meds in breastmilk (considering all the benefits of breastmilk) far outweigh the risks of a mother on the edge of losing her marbles. i speak from experience. so there.
387. Calamity Jill said:
I'm sure you're inspiring/encouraging/helping other women who have/are struggling with the same feelings and in that way, the internet makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
Happy to hear everyone is well and healthy and laughing and screaming.
388. Bobbi said:
Thank you, Heather, for sharing with us. It's been really sweet reading about your pregnancy and now getting to see the results! It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job. Being a mother is really hard at times, and it is so rewarding as well:)
389. Andrea said:
Oh how I wish I had read your blog a year ago when I was crippled from PPD after the birth of my twin boys.
I love your style of writing and you truly make me laugh out loud. Thanks for making me feel like I wasn't the only one who suffered through PPD and for making me laugh
390. Carrie said:
Rock on, Heather, and may your doctor rock on too.
391. Krystl said:
I am so happy for you! And yes, screw what anybody else thinks! I've never had a baby, but I've been in your in-the-fog vs out-of-the-fog shoes, and I already know that when I do have a baby, there are risks I will absolutely be willing to take (that I find it imperative to take) to make sure my baby has the mother she or he is meant to have.
Your story has given me so much encouragement through my own struggles with mental illness, and getting to read about you making it through all the chapters in your life--and enjoying them the way everyone is entitled to--makes me so excited for all the things that still lay ahead of me.
I know Leta will make it through with flying colors, too!
392. Alicia said:
If you're poisoning your little one, so am I. I've been on anti-depression/anxiety meds for years, but my most recent (fourth) pregnancy was the first (only) I have had the confidence to continue my meds during. (I always worried what people would say, so I've discontinued at different times during pregnancy with each of my children.) My baby will be seven weeks tomorrow. He's nursing, and I'm continuing the meds; they give me the opportunity and ability to be a good mother.
Marlo is just gorgeous.
393. Danielle said:
You go, natural birthin', breastfeedin', medicated mama! She's beeeeeautiful Heather. Keep the milk-drunk photos coming. They're the best! I'm going to need to call you about the natural birth route because that's what I want to do for our little baby boy/girl/finding-out-on-Monday!
394. Anonymous said:
Good for you. xoxo
395. TinaNicole said:
Heather,
You are a very inspiring woman! I am so glad to hear that everything is going well (even if you did have a bit of a setback for a couple of days). That doctor sounds awesome.. The world needs more doctors like that.
I know you probably don't have time to read all of these comments, much less respond to any of them... But I'm going to ask on the off chance that you might actualy have time to reply: Do you attribute your instant bond and connection with Marlo to a natural child birth? The reason why I ask is because I had an epidural with my daughter (now 9 months old) and it took me quite some time to feel really connected and in love with her... And I've had a lot of guilt about that. I am completely 100% in love with her now, but for the first 6 weeks or so it was very difficult. I'm not really sure if I can blame that on an epidural.. I'm pretty sure I can't... But maybe women were made to have natural births for a reason. Honestly that scares the crap out of me though!
Anyway, congrats on your beautiful family and being an advocate for yourself and many others with PPD.
396. SBS said:
I'm so proud (do I have a right to be proud? No, but still) of you for writing this. And for taking care of yourself and your girls. Coco included.
397. Sheri Bheri said:
Oh! I'm so very happy for you! And I'm so glad you wrote this post, I was worried about you.
398. Orange said:
I read your book this spring and was really hoping the PPD was a one-time thing. My god, this post made my throat tighten up.
So glad you finagled your way to Dr. Compassionate Genius and that he didn't shoo you away with a referral elsewhere. (He probably didn't want to end up the villain in your next book.) And now that you know he's got a third-trimester medication plan to ward off PPD recurrence, why, you and Jon could totally go Duggar.
399. Dayna said:
I am so proud of you, Heather. You are a rock star. Your babies are beautiful. And, I want your husband. He is handsome, yes. But what is most sexy, is his support of you. So hard is the healing without such. I wish you fluffy bliss.
400. Marian said:
Glad you recognized the signs, headed it off at the pass, and are feeling better! Nobody deserves the shitty hell-hole that is anxiety/panic attacks.
401. Kendra said:
I haven't read all the other comments, so this is probably repeating sentiments already expressed, but...
I have been treated for depression for several years. I have three kids. During each pregnancy and each breastfeeding experience, I faced the decision of whether or not to continue with my medication. Each time, I discussed it with my doctors (OB, psychiatrist, and pediatrician), and each time, I decided to continue with the medication. And there is no doubt in my mind that it was the right decision for me and my family. My kids are much better off with a mom whose mental health is under control, and I am confident that my medication did not adversely affect them.
It can be very hard to confront the possibility that you need help, and it's even worse when people suggest that you are weak or unworthy because you need help, or if they suggest that the options you've chosen are going to hurt your children. I'm glad that you were able to admit when you needed help and that you were able to get it so quickly. Your whole family is better for it!
402. sarahm said:
you are blessed. with the little one, and leta, and jon, and chuck, and....yes. ok. even coco. but mostly you are blessed because you know yourself, know what you need, and have learned it is not a weakness to advocate for yourself, for your family, and for women. you inspire me. keep on, heather. WE are blessed you share your story.
403. AmberStar said:
I'm so glad you found the doc you had seen before and got sorted out right away. Your joy and happiness comes bubbling through with this post.
Take care and your new baby sounds like she is going to be a trip sort of like Leta, but different in so many ways. :)
404. Anonymous said:
So happy you are healthy and you're able to enjoy this fantastic new experience with your family!!!
And please DO share a video of Marlo's yelling with us. Brilliant baby.
405. Courtney said:
Way to go Heather! I am so glad to hear that things are going great. I read your book and am 2 months post-partum and have been thinking about you. Best wishes! :)
406. Melanie said:
Good on you, Heather. You are a joy to read and I am so happy that you are doing great. And I appreciate your honesty..it brings back a lot of memories for me when I had my three!
407. EOMama said:
Wow. What you've just described is what I've been hoping to feel for the entire four years since my twins were born. I think I'm going to call my shrink in the morning.
408. Hayley said:
Props, my dear. Props.
Know how you feel about the stitches... I had twins naturally just a short time after your dimpled Marlo made her appearance. I am NOT doing cartwheels, although we did brave the public and had sushi at the Gateway today. It was quite the accomplishment.
Glad everything is going well!
409. Anonymous said:
So, how do I know whether or not my anxiety attacks are post-partum depression? I've been having them since my baby was born 12 weeks ago. For no reason, very suddenly.
410. Laura said:
our vaginas could sit for hours and tell stories
411. trixerelixer said:
thank you so much for your honesty! i must admit my fear of "the crazy" is part of why i'm scared of entering the realm of child birth. but your openness & honesty about how you've dealt with both pregnancies & birth...how well Jon has dealt with it as well; gives me hope. i know you get a lot of praise on here, but i've also been reading long enough to see the idiot commentaries too. and i thank you. i thank you for continuing to share your experiences, emotions, and coping! ::biggest-gargantuan-hugs::
412. Mandi said:
Wow. Good for you! I actually had a wonderful experience with my first child, and I'm wanting to have another within a year...but I have LOTS of anxiety about it. It's hard for me to believe that I can *gulp* handle two children. Not to mention...have a child that I could love as much as I love my little girl. Is that horrible? No...I don't think so. Your really an inspiration and I truly admire your honesty.
THANK YOU.
413. KAS said:
I am so fucking proud of you for realizing what was going on and GOING IN. You have served once as an inspiration to women suffering from PPD and PPP, and you are doing so again by reminding us all a second time that YES, shit happens, and it IS OKAY to acknowledge that something is wrong and to HAVE IT TREATED. It will never make any of us less of a mother, less of a woman, less of an ANYTHING to admit a problem and push ourselves despite any reluctances to have it fixed. And I'm even more glad that the doctor you see is so talented with helping women though their PPD and PPP, that he knows how to tweak and adjust accordingly, and that he could see you again. And am always glad that you're feeling better.
And (one more and!) thank you for being THAT woman.
414. Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said:
See??? You were brave enough to open comments on this one, and you have an avalanche of people saying 'thanks'!!! Do you feel like you did some good today?? Cause you did. Big time.
It takes a lot for some of us to realise that our own health - physical or mental - is our own responsibility. Not a doctors. We need to keep seeking til we find what helps keep us healthy and stable. You have learned a tough lesson and you have helped sooooo many others.
Hugs (and another virtual one for that dimpled goddess you have there!)
BB
415. Mindy said:
I cried tears of joy and happiness for you and your family when I read this.
Good for you.
And thank you for sharing. A conversation I had with my aunt and uncle this weekend, whose daughter-in-law is experiencing PPD and they just don't "get it" and don't understand what she has to be depressed about - and she just needs to "buck up" - convinces me that we need women like you to continue to talk, talk, talk.
416. Anonymous said:
I have no kids and am no where close to marrying anyone. Yet I have this fascination with your stories and your blog. I have had a life long problem with depression and anxiety. So I worry so much that Ill have terrible Postpartum when I have kids. Your stories are encouraging and beautiful, and I thank you for sharing them. Your family is beautiful and so are you. I still fear that Ill end up in some hospital like you did, even though you were helped so wonderfully. Also, I think you are so intelligent for making the choice that you did with medication and think that if I were in your position, I would do the same.
417. Becky said:
Hi Heather.
I've been reading your blog for quite some time now. I absolutely love your sense of humor and candor. I also just finished your book and loved it. Thanks for sharing your experiences with the world. I'm so glad that you are having an easier time of it with your little glow worm than you did with Leta. I'll be thinking of you that the joy only grows.
Becky
418. Cowgirl1265 said:
Thanks for letting women know that its ok to take the meds you need to feel ok and still breastfeed your baby. You have an amazing ability to express yourself, so confident and brash and hilarious. Glad the med tweak helped so fast, feeling the panic and anxiety is just no way to live at all, especially with kids who are needing you to be sane.
419. Tamra said:
Heather, it's a shame anyone would try to judge you for doing what is necessary to take care of yourself. Unless they've been in your shoes, they have no clue how painful postpartum depression and other mental health problems really are.
Like you, I suffered a horrible form of postpartum depression that landed me in a mental health crisis center after the natural birth of my second daughter. I'd had it the first time, but the second time... it was much, much worse. Crippling. I couldn't even function. Even though I had to take a pretty good dose of medication myself, my midwife and my psychiatrist assured me that my baby would be okay if I should continue breastfeeding. I did. I couldn't give it up.
Well, my daughter is 10 months old and still nursing... and she's perfectly healthy despite the fact that she is receiving a small amount of my meds through the milk. The benefits of breastfeeding are just so much greater than the possible teeny risk that no one can define.
Good for you for recognizing the signs so quickly and seeking help immediately, and don't be afraid to get help again if necessary.
Congratulations on your new beautiful baby. I hope you continue to do well!
420. Aran said:
BRAVO!!!!
421. Libby Guerrero said:
Yay! So glad you're experiencing joy the second time around. You make me want to go have sex with my husband immediately and try for #2!!!
422. Gabby said:
Heather, I am certainly not going to tell you that you're poisoning your baby. I think it is fucking FANTASTIC that you are able to be treated and well and continue breastfeeding. I'm sure Marlo is incredibly happy about it too :D
423. Anonymous said:
Congratulations first of all on Marlo - she is adorable! And, also, congratulations on taking care of yourself.
424. Chrissie said:
That is just muy awesome! YAY, YOU!
Oh, and could you take a moment and apply a teeny-tiny zerbert to that luscious baby's belleh? Please? Thank you.
425. Dani said:
I am SOOO RELIEVED! at the risk of sounding like a crazy stalker person, I've been on this site and twitter constantly over the past two weeks, worried about you!
I'm also wondering about the poop. how's the pooping, heather?
426. Anonymous said:
This is why I read your blog, why I am interested, why I have hope that one day I will have a picture similar to the one of Jon, Marlo, Coco, and Chuck laying on the bed with Jon's Apple computer, why I am patient with life...try to be patient with life, why I appreciate your ability to share, why stepping up and taking a chance on not being perfect for one brief period in life is key to having a whole and happy life. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, your life, your experiences (even the stitches), and your family so openly. Everytime you write, you help someone. It just doesn't get much better than that :)
427. Anonymous said:
I want some. What in the world do they give you for the anxiety? I so have that and military docs do not get it.
428. Katie said:
Kudos to you Heather!! Sooo happy to hear y'all are all doing well!! You seriously ROCK!!!
xoxo
another Southern Belle ; )
429. Katie said:
Kudos to you Heather!! Sooo happy to hear y'all are all doing well!! You seriously ROCK!!!
xoxo
another Southern Belle ; )
430. Kate said:
So good to read this post, Heather and to know that you are doing well with the new baby. So happy that the "tweak" of medications did the trick. I admire you for all that you're doing to thoroughly enjoy raising your two lovely children and furthermore, to honestly share with all of us. You are at once a riot (!), so funny, and so honest. Love it! You go girl!
Best to you!
431. Brie said:
I am so glad for you. Thank you for sharing.
432. CC said:
I am so crazy thrilled for you, I can't even stand it.
I am so happy you're feeling better.
I am so happy you recognized the signs, and even more, that you understood those signs.
I am so happy that you see Marlo for what she is -- a precious gift.
And I am so proud of you, for all of the above.
(and I totally LOL'd at your prior post about Leta being a GIANT -- I felt the same about my 5yo after her sister was born)
433. Anonymous said:
Hi Heather,
Thank you for your raw honesty. It is so refreshing. I have been researching blogs for months (reading yours on and off for years) in preparation to launch mine. The only thing standing in my way is that I am not a techie like you and Jon. Anyway, it is shocking how many blogs are "corporate" blogs. For example, the woman who currently has a text ad on your blog is under the Nickelodeon umbrella. What I admire most about your blog is it is just you. You are one of the top bloggers in the world, and you did it all by yourself. That is really an accomplishment.
As per your doctor's visit and meds, I'm glad people are only posting positive things. You are right that it is your business, and everyone needs to do their own research and trust their own doctors. I applaud you for not even attempting to reach out and help someone whose situation cannot possibly mirror yours.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You just had a baby. I have a baby and remember staying awake for almost four days straight (almost all natural birth), crying every night with the baby, having panic attacks, and wishing I could be back in the 36-38.5 week range, right before she was born. The first few weeks were that taxing that I actually wished the baby back into me. It is an illogical thought, but it passed. Now, I want another baby. However, adjusting to a family of four (six w/ dogs) is going to be just that, "an adjustment". You may find that your body and hormones regulate on their own. It's amazing that a change in meds worked for you (and great). I can speak from experience that time elapsing worked for me. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. If you go a few weeks w/o posting, yours and your baby's health are most important. It's not as if your husband can't post pictures and even do posts for you.
Take Care! You are doing great and are obviously an inspiration to many.
434. hipmommy said:
You write all the things I think in my head. I have two children and have survived ppd twice...wish I had of prepped myself before # 2 arrived, but we made it.
You are a star and inspiration!
435. Fabs said:
ROCK ON SISTA!!!
436. Anonymous said:
Just wanted to tell you that I love your writing and I never comment but today I had to. Screw the people that get all up in arms about a woman getting medication for postpartum depression and breastfeeding, like you I had a horrible depression after my baby was born, thanks to a hack making sure I had the worst possible delivery, complications and physical damage to my body on top of the normal hormonal, psychological fluctuations, etc.
I just have to say that people that get all worked up don't know what it is to be like that, to worry about your baby and still be functional.
A baby is far better being breastfed by a safely medicated mother than a depressed mom. We get help for them, so they are safe and happy and they have moms that are able to enjoy those first precious moments.
I obviously wish you didn't felt bad a second time around as I wish I won't on a second birth, but it is reassuring to read about your experience, to make me feel optimistic about getting pregnant again, not on the promise of a picture-perfect, depression-free after birth, but the reality of it being manageable and preventable with the help of a professional and good ol' meds.
My daughter is a happy, healthy well-adjusted kid, despite me being on antidepressants while pregnant and then breastfeeding her, and I am glad I got help so she could have the mother she needed and deserved, someone who was able to BE there. It scares me to think of those first weeks, but I have hope that a second time would be manageable because I know better, and I won't be intimidated by the whole fairy tale images of delivery and early motherhood as well as the stigma put on those who are unfortunate enough to get a bad case of postpartum depression.
Okay, I'm done standing on my soapbox.
Thank you again for writing and congratulations on the baby, the family and taking care of you.
Paula
437. cher said:
that is wonderful. I think I may have sighed...for you
438. Cloudy said:
yay.
439. kristy - where's my damn answer said:
So glad to hear that you are aware of the feelings you are having this time before you land in the hospital :-D.
I think that is awesome. I also totally agree with you ... what's right for you is right for you and everyone else should take time to figure out what is right for THEM before slamming you ... or something like that.
... maybe SCREW the naysayers would make more sense there?
440. Allison said:
Thank you for your candor - it's what I love best about you.
We need a video of the yelling!!
441. Mel said:
GOOD FOR YOU!! So glad you found the same doc and he got it right away and you are able to relish being with your kiddos. Thanks for being so open about it all.
442. Anonymous said:
I think you are one fearless and loving mama. Thank you for all of your honesty, heartfelt words and experiences. Enjoy your wonderful journey with those little girls. You deserve it!
443. Anonymous said:
430+ comments, all supportive of you, your decision, your candor for sharing, your strength...I'm going to have to put a stop to that.
I can't BELIEVE you're wearing mascara around a newborn. The very idea...don't you read the papers?!?!? Sheesh.
(Kudos, Heather, thanks again! and again! and again! for sharing)
444. Katie said:
This post made my cry, just like your book. Cry in a good way. I'm so happy that you are taking care of yourself first, so you can be a better mother and wife. Good for you, Heather! I'm so happy for you and your beautiful family.
445. shellybelly said:
Hey Heather,
Don't let any of the crazies tell you what is good for you and your family. You just keep doing what you're doing. I'm so glad the tweak to your meds made a difference. Get the experience you want and need -- you deserve it!
446. Elena said:
I recently went to a lecture with Dr Hale who wrote Medications and Mother's Milk, and he basically said there are very few anti-depressants that a woman shouldn't take while breast-feeding and the benefits of breast-feeding outweigh any risk, likewise, it's important to have a mother who is 'sane' so he'd rather see a mom breast-feed on meds than not. (my words, not his, he was much more eloquent). So, no worries!
447. Maggie said:
Congrats on beautiful Marlo....and congrats on knowing that something was up and taking the necessary steps to continue on the right path. On top of that, good for you for not telling people what meds you're on. Bravo all around -
448. Susana said:
How to begin...I went through a similar situation with ppd except I got help when my son was nine month old and I was a few month prego with no. two by accident. My husband left for Iraq a month after our son was born and when he came home for two weeks I got pregnant. The medication helped me so such it made me feel like a new person but now when ever I think about more childern is when I get the anxiety attacks. Mentally I know I am smart enough to seek help but emotionally I have a huge scar. Thank you for letting us in to your life and for being honest. Looking back the worse part for me was that no one told me how hard it would be everyone would only talk about the good stuff and none of the bad. Your voice is important and I give out your website info to all my friends.
449. Aimee said:
Wooot!!! Great update. Wonderful work, mama! Your daughters are beautiful and you are in inspiration. Thank you!
450. Missives From Suburbia said:
People think I'm crazy when I describe how radically different the experience with my second child has been versus my first. I want to yell, "NO! I WAS CRAZY THE FIRST TIME! THIS TIME I'M SANE, I SWEAR, AND I'M ONLY YELLING TO BE HEARD OVER THE ANNOYING SOUNDS OF MY TODDLER!"
I'm so, so happy for you. I know what it's like to go through what you went through the first time. I know what it's like to be delivered from that experience the second time. I have to repeat: I am so, SO happy for you.
451. MimiX said:
Thank you SO MUCH for this. I am expecting #2, and I had a pretty rough time after #1 -- not as rough as you, but pretty rough nonetheless -- and this gives me so much hope. I too feel so much readier this time, so much more aware of how bad it could get, and so much more determined to nip it in the bud so I can have fun and actually enjoy it this time. I am going to have this baby and then I am going to kick some ass. THANK YOU!! You rock, Heather.
452. Stine said:
Slainte!
Life is fucking relentless, but so worth it. My Nana told me that when I was 12, and thank god she did!
Best- xoxo
453. heather said:
so happy for you.
454. Dana said:
require video fotage of the yelling. it sounds hilarious. Glad to hear youre doing well!!
455. Twice Five Miles said:
I am so... I can't think of the right word. I want to say, PROUD of you but that comes out wrong. So I will just say instead that I am so, so happy for you, and hope that you understand what I mean.
456. bitchphd said:
Congratulations.
457. JMorgan said:
YOU are amazing!! And doing such an amazing service to those moms who can't put words to feelings they have.
458. Rebecca said:
I have been battling depression and anxiety for well over 10 years. A friend of mine directed me to your blog, and it has been a wonderful read.
I cannot tell you how many quacks I have been to, saying such and such medication is safe, this isn't, and so forth. So as my husband and I prepare to embark trying to make our family into a "family of three" there is one medication of my "cocktail" I am weaning off of.
And I'm scared to death. Scared of every little thing because this one drug has kept me sane all these years.
I do wish you would tell your readers what you're now taking, simply because so many women are lost. However, I understand why you won't.
It has only been recently that I have opened up about my own problems with depression and anxiety, and I have a wonderful team of doctors in my corner. That eases the fear.
Your family is absolutely lovely and a joy to read about.
459. Katie said:
Heather,
Mazel tov! This time you kicked its ass!
I have three amazing boys, and I had three crippling boughts of postpartum. Yup, I landed in a hospital, too. I'm thrilled for you that you and your doctor caught it so quickly--really, really thrilled for you.
You and your doctor know best, and everyone else can just piss off =)
460. momover35 said:
I am glad to hear you are taking care of yourself first so that you can take care of your family. Having a newborn and a young child at home is VERY stressful and the fact that you are handling it without pulling your hair out is a feet in itself. I commend you in acknowledging that you needed help and reach out to get it, most women would try to ride it out. No need to be miserable in a time of some much joy. Congratulations on your miracle. Try to soak it up as much as possible because babies grow up quickly as you already know.
461. BlackCatMima said:
I've been reading since the day you posted that adorable baby frog picture of a newborn Leta.
I've never had kids of my own.
I've never personally had to deal with anxiety or depression.
I have no idea what it's like to be you or deal with what you have been through.
But I very happy to read that you are taking care of yourself and enjoying your girls so much.
I do know you have earned and totally deserve all the love and happiness you are experiencing with Marlo!
Kisses to both of your gorgeous girls - and to you too, Heather.
(And the captcha words I have to type in? Mr. Labors. Pfffft! The mister never went thru labor! Did Jon rig this thing? Nice try!)
462. Amber said:
Heather, thank you for writing about this so openly. I'm so happy to hear that you are doing so well after a scary bout of anxiety. I understand. My first (and so far only) daughter is 10 months old and we went through a lot with her early on. I was on meds for postpartum depression and severe anxiety as we coped with her medical problem, then she was pretty much okay and I thought I was too, but I'm not. The truth is, I probably was in trouble before she got into trouble (I was very, very anxious--even more so than usual--and had "intrusive thoughts", plus I have history of depression). I am still too unhappy for too much of the time. I really don't take care of myself. And though she makes me laugh and smile many times a day, the sound of her crying makes me cringe sometimes, and I can't stand my husband most of the time, even though he is very sweet and helpful. I'm not a total wreck but I'm pretty down, and it's been too long. I'm thinking I should go back and get more help. Thank you for the nudge.
463. notsoglamoroushousewife said:
Wow, that sounds so much easier than it is. Congratulations. Life is good.
464. Erin said:
Hell, yes, I say. Good for you.
I had PPD and went on Paxil. I'm still breastfeeding. It was the right thing for me to do for my baby, because it was what I needed to do in order to care for him and for myself. If you're worried about the possible transmission through breastmilk, look at Dr. Hale's site or get his book. But really, most drugs are fairly safe, and very little gets to the baby.
Bless you and your newly expanded family, and thank you for speaking out about PPD and taking control of your own happiness. You rock!
465. Lisa said:
Yay!! I am so glad that you are okay- and that everything is okay. That sounds so strange seeing as how we never met, but just yay!
466. jonesie said:
good for you!!
and: thankyou.
467. em said:
Wow, what a great story- I am proud of you! You are certainly not poisoning your baby, you are being a responsible and wonderful mother. Congrats and I hope things continue as beautifully and hilariously!
468. Sarah said:
Hola mamma, you are one brave woman. Thanks for lending a voice to the medicated breastfeeders out that. Don't let anyone make you feel crappy for what you're doing. You're taking care of yourself, which is in the best interests of your family. Go you!
469. jennifer in indiana said:
Marlo is perfect and you're not teetering anymore...that's all good and well. But, you SERIOUSLY need to do something about those mismatched tiles in your bathroom! =) Congratulations to you and yours, Dooce! Here's to a good life. Cheers!
470. The Crazy Suburban Mom said:
Much gladness shot your way. Wishing you
continued medication effectiveness...
And may your stitch's heal seamlessly.
Rock on.
Tracy
471. Trish said:
Dear LAWD, I just love ya. And not in a stalkerish way. I just think you are awesome.
Yay for feeling better! I'm so glad you nipped it in the bud so fast. Good for you.
I think you are an AWESOME mother.
Thanks again for providing a laugh.
472. Elly said:
Oh, I'm glad that it all worked out okay. Yay!
473. Janet said:
Heather, you are awesome! Sharing your journey with such realism helps not only someone experiencing similar feelings, but also helps those who don't (or haven't) to understand and empathize. Hugs to you all. xoxoxoxo
474. cathleen said:
So glad you got the
help you needed. And
the fact you knew to get it.
Love your site, have been
a reader for about 4 years.
the
Keep up the good work you do.
Cathleen
475. Lauren said:
This is such an emotionally honest post, and your attitude about the whole thing is incredibly inspiring. I wish you and your family the best!
476. Jae said:
Thank you for the courage to share your experiences with anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed with depression over 10 years ago and have struggled with the fact that I will be on medication my whole life. I'm so happy that you found the help that you need. Also, a belated congratulations to all of the Armstrong family.
477. Amy said:
I only know you through your words and have no right, but I'm so proud of you. When I read the last line, it made my nose sting and my eyes tear up. Thank you for sharing.
478. Karen said:
Heather, I'm over the moon thrilled for you!!!
479. Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) said:
YAY for you! I'm glad you're doing well now. And I'm GLAD your meds and breast feeding are compatible... Yay! Yay! Yay! What's most important is that you're well and able to take care of Marlo and Leta. If you needed to stop breast feeding for that to happen (or at least to feed Marlo) so be it. But that you can do BOTH is awesome. Yay!
I'm still looking forward to reading your birth story.
480. sneffnie said:
I'm so happy for you and so proud of the way you are able to just tell it like it is. I am like that and people just don't know what to think sometimes.
Anyway, I took meds during my entire pregnancy and while breastfeeding and my baby girl is happy, smart and healthy. People who think you are poisoning her can just suck it.
481. Rose said:
So glad to hear that you are doing well! I had a natural childbirth (at home) with my first born, and I can remember that amazing high I had after he was born!!! No one who hasn't squeezed a baby out of her hoo-hoo could ever understand! My labor was this crazy "other-world" that I could never describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it. So glad that you got to experience that this time around. What a difference to experience childbirth as it is meant to be! And I know of which I speak because I have taken The Pepsi Challenge, so to speak. My second was born by c-section and it was one of the hardest things I have ever endured in my life. Far, FAR more painful, physically and emotionally. BRAVO to you for having the courage and endurance to do it!
As for the PPD, I'm glad to hear that your meds are working for you. As I say with all things parenting-related, "you have to do what works for you." To those fuckheads who will judge you for medicating, I say: which is better? A drug-free mother who can hardly cope, or a loving, functioning, medicated mother? Those medicines were invented for a reason. So many tragedies have occurred for lack of the right postpartum care, glad that you are not one of them.
Keep on rockin' Heather, you are awesome.
482. Jen said:
I just finished reading your book and have been following your blog for a very long time. So I've been worried about you since you had Marlo! I'm so happy you took care of yourself asap. And congratulations for continuing to breastfeed. That is hard regardless of your mental state...I wasn't able to do it.
I also wanted to thank you for always sharing your experiences in such an open (and funny) way. I had a tough time after my son was born and I know that having your story in the back of my mind helped me through it. And helped me ask for help right away, without hesitation.
Marlo is beautiful and Leta is still beautiful as well!
483. Em said:
This is going to sound weird coming from a stranger, but Heather (and Jon and Leta and Marlo), my heart is full for you.
484. Hope said:
YIPEE!!!!!!! We're all so happy for you, Jon, Leta and Marlo!!!
485. Angela said:
So glad that things are working out and you got the help you needed. Marlo is beautiful. Congrats. Can't wait to hear more about this "natural" birth.....cuz I think that's just nuts ;-)
486. Desiree said:
As a younger woman who's ovaries have begun kicking into overdrive, my husband and I have decided that in 3-4 years we will begin trying to have a baby. The reason I feel the need to mention this to you is that I'm also diagnosed with Bipolar. I want you to know how brave I think you are and how truly, heartfelt I mean this when I say: THANK YOU. Thank you for telling these stories and explaining your ups and downs. Thank you for making me not feel panicked about what I'm going to do when it comes time for me to be a mother. You truly are a gift and I appreciate your website and honesty more than you'll know.
487. Caryn said:
"It's no one's business"
Damn straight it isn't! I'm so proud of you, that you asked for help and that this is all going so well for you. You are such an inspiration as a woman, as a mother, as a wife.
Leta and Marlo are the luckiest gals in the world. Don't you forget it!
*hugs*
488. Gabrielle said:
So happy to hear that you're taking care of yourself, and so impressed with your honesty. It really is inspiring.
489. Bernadette said:
I had ALL of it with my firstborn..panic and scary, off the wall thoughts, GUILT, bloody bloody GUILT!!....it took a few months and LOTS of crying and finally got a grip (with doctor and meds and coping therapy) We are planning on having a secondchild and boy do I wish you could give us that doctors name, or better yet that he would write a book!!! But I thank you for your story. I wish I had known of you when I was going through that hell. Seems like a lifetime ago and it was only 2 1/2 yrs! Life is SO good now.Even after all that I don't hesitate for a second to have another one.
490. Jen Q said:
You take care of you and yours. I am proud of you.
That sounds stupid, I know, but good for you for prioritizing, fixing and feeling whole. You all deserve it.
491. Anonymous said:
Heather, You're fabulous. I've been stressing these last few months about trying to get pregnant again. I'm panicked about reliving those months of hell and re-experiencing the PPD that kicked my butt. Thank you for being such a wonderful role model and showing that you don't have to go back to that time. You can learn from it and take better care the second time around.
Also, I wanted to let you know that there's a inpatient postpartum program at UNC. It's the first in the country tailored for women PPD.
http://www.med.unc.edu/psych/wmd/patient-care/perinatal-inpatient-unit
492. Cyn said:
If I had lighter, I'd be standing on my couch with it lit in air for you.
You go girl
This mommy stuff ain't for sissies.
493. Sunny said:
I am so glad you got the tweak you needed. IMO, sometimes the minute risk of antidepressants in breastmilk is smaller than the risks that come with formula. Don't let anyone tell you you're poisoning your baby. You are doing wonderful!
494. Jill said:
I am so happy for the update and so happy for you. Your bravery while dealing with anxiety and depression gave me the bravery to get help. I am just thrilled that your new family of four is off to a great start and that Leta and Marlo's mom is taking such good care of herself. I would say that they have an awesome person to model themselves after. Blessings to you all!
495. Sara said:
There's a book by a psychiatrist out of Harvard called "Women's Moods"...basically it stated what your doctor said..with pre-existing anxiety and an earlier episode of PPD, your doctor should have had you on meds leading up to delivery and should have had a plan in place to get you through. Fortunately, you do have an excellent physician who treated you and I'm happy to see you are doing better!
496. robyn said:
I'm so happy you dealt with this immediately and only had a minor bump in the road rather than a huge detour....
I understand the need to protect your privacy, but I do think it would be helpful for some people to know your meds. Not all doctors are as progressive as yours, and women with PPD may be needlessly suffering and doing the trial and error of meds for months. You're lucky you have a doctor that will think outside the usual compendium of pharmaceutical drug dosing.
But again, so so happy for you that you're enjoying your baby! It's nice to hear! xo
497. Shannon said:
HOORAY! I am happy beyond words for you and your family. I hope it continues to be wonderful!
498. Julie said:
Hooray for you, Heather! Your daughters are both fortunate to have a mom like you. And Jon as dad, too, of course. Though he isn't the one with stitches in the nether regions... (been there!)
Congratultions to all 4 of you.
Thank you for sharing your life with us through your blog. I sure hope you never tire of writing it, because I can't imagine ever getting tired of reading it.
499. Groovymarlin said:
Echoing all the other congratulations and thank you's for sharing your experiences with the world. As always, you are an inspiration to me. And yes, I too DEMAND to see videos of the YELLING ADORABLE BABYKINS!!
I wish that when I'd gone back to my OB/GYN six weeks after giving birth three years ago that I'd been more honest, and admitted to her that I wasn't "fine," that in fact I was in the midst of crushing depression alternating with severe panic attacks. Instead, I just mumbled that I was OK and went home to suffer. Luckily, I was able to muddle my way through (with the help of a very patient husband who is a GREAT dad) and I never had any trouble bonding with my beautiful, incredible daughter. However, I often wonder if I'd admitted how I was feeling back then, and gotten help for it, if things would be much different for me now: would my marriage be better and stronger, would my relationship with my daughter be more relaxed, would I be healthier and stronger myself? I guess I'll never really know.
Reading that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family, as always, inspires me to try harder to make the right choices too. Thank you so much, Heather.
500. Ray said:
Very happy to hear that you're doing well this time around with a brand new baby around. The best of luck to you. Question (and of course you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable): Have you suffered from depression all your life, or did it happen when you were first pregnant with Leta?
Take, care. =o)
501. Julie said:
Yay. Just yay. :D
502. Sara said:
Congratulations on taking care of yourself. And thank you for advising people to check with their own doctors. I think there are too many people looking for the easy way out (i.e., judging you instead of looking themselves in the mirror) and its about time people take responsibility for themselves. Kudos to you and your beautiful family.
503. Heather said:
Hi Heather!
I'm so happy to hear you're all doing well. Those eyes on your precious baby girl...they're something else! She's so beautiful.
I have never personally had PPD and really don't understand why or how people feel the way they do when they have PPD. I'm so glad I've never had to feel that way and am so happy that you're better with meds. Good for you for getting the help you needed not only for yourself, but your precious daughter. Maybe one day they'll be able to see what causes PPD and help prevent it, maybe they already have. I'm not sure.
Regardless, you're an amazingly funny person and I love your blog. Bless you and your family!
P.S. no one BUYS hard copy porn...it's all free and ONLINE awesome huh? hahaha
504. Jenny said:
So very, very happy for you, Jon, & Leta. Way to go.
505. Just Visiting said:
When I grow up, I want to be just as great a mommy as you....and just as "crazy".
Your children and husband are blessed to have you in their lives just as you are blessed to have them in yours.
Thank you for sharing your world with us.
506. Sadie said:
Heather, you are so so brave and strong. Thank you for sharing this. Your experiences and honesty are so helpful and encouraging.
507. Brenda said:
God, I am choked up reading this. I had a newborn 10 months ago, and went through something very similar. And it wasn't until I got over the post-partum anxiety hurdle (make that 75 ft. wall) that I appreciated each and every second of my new daughter's existence. I am so happy for you, I really really am.
508. Anonymous said:
Good for you. I am so happy that you are taking-charge during this really difficult/ wonderful/ busy time. I wish I had done the same. I feel like I missed so much... sort of like I was on auto-pilot... in a walking, zombie-like state... just doing what I had to do to get by, during those early months. Such a disservice to everyone. Continue to take care of yourself!
509. Aron said:
i'm so glad for you. i know exactly how you feel. my baby is 5 months old and i had no idea i could love him like this. continue to take care of yourself.
510. Danielle said:
Good for you Heather! You are right, it is none of our business what you are taking, and fuck anyone who feels the need to criticize you or your personal decision. I hope you continue feeling great and continue to enjoy your new baby. She really is adorable!!
511. duck_jb said:
Its so good to hear that you are having the experience you deserve! What a great mommy you are for finding what works for you are yours. Well done. Baby's need healthy m ommys, thats the end of it. I say do what you need to to be there for Jon and your two gorgeous kids.
512. hats said:
I love your writing Dooce. Seriously it is something I look forward to reading everyday. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to sit down and make us laugh.
513. Marti said:
Thanks for once again giving a really funny, really real voice to those of us who have a brain illness that requires medication so that we can be healthy. Your words help give "normal" a new meaning.
514. Shivika said:
I know my comment will be the on the last page, but still there is hope that it will be read :)
Heather, your posts are like frozen yogurt -- delicious, textured and gives a farm fuzzy feeling to the core. Marlo is precious, and yell or no yell, she is definitely a lil' force to be reckoned with. Thank you for keeping us involved in your life - you are such a darling!!
515. Shaun Paddock said:
You sound so deliciously happy! I am thrilled that you are doing so well and were able to get the help you needed. I cannot wait to read more about Leta and how she is handling her new role as a big sister. Marlo is so beautiful! Congrats!
Shaun
516. Amanda said:
You should be so proud of yourself. Not only did you make it to the Dr. on time (and with mascara - extra points) but you refused to let stigmas steal your joy.
You are an inspiration to many women who don't have your courage. It takes someone turning on the light to get rid of the darkness, and every time you talk openly about your struggles you turn on the light for those who read your blog.
Thank you.
517. Angelena said:
There is nothing wrong with accepting you need the help and getting it, there is something very wrong with ignoring it and not getting treated. Accept that you did good mama!!! Congratulations on enjoying your daughters and loving every minute of Marlo.... She is precious. You have an amazing family Heather.... CONGRATS!
518. Katie K. said:
I REALLY needed this entry today. I am a relatively younger mom (meaning I got married and had kids straight out of college where as all my friends are still in some form of post-grad work) and really struggle with the fact that none of my friends really get it. I have heard several times "I mean really Katie... we are all busy" and it makes me want to scream "You have no idea what Busy means!" I am a teacher, have a 19 month old and a 4 month old, and a husband that works out of town most of the time.
Today I hit a wall. I literally cried four times before 10 a.m. Sometimes when both babies are screaming at me I can truly feel myself go numb which I figure is better than the alternative of absolutely freaking out. My husband frequently asks me to run small errands not taking into account the amount of effort it takes to get them both in and out the car by myself...
I needed this mainly because I don't like asking for help/letting people see that it is so hard... So on here I can secretly admit that being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! Thank you so much for your honesty. I admire your bravery!
519. Lauren From Texas said:
Awesome!! Now tell us the truth. Does this "cocktail" include "bourbon"? :) Welcome back Heather.
520. sarah said:
It is posts like these that keep me coming back to your blog everyday. You are so strong and inspiring and FEARLESS and there need to be more people like you in the world.
Congratulations and I am so glad that you are feeling so great. I can't wait to read of your continuing adventures.
521. Lisa said:
I am delighted for you and relieved to hear you are doing so well. PLEASE put a video up of the yelling--while you describe it so picturesquely, I can't wait for the reality!
Thanks again for doing what you do to take the stigma out of depression and make it "normal" to talk about openly. You have helped a lot of people because of this.
522. Jodi said:
I have never wanted to go on medication as badly as I do right now. Seriously, I sincerely appreciate how honest you are about your feelings. I think a lot of us have been there (to a greater or lesser degree), and the conviction that you are the only piece of human garbage on the planet that could NOT appreciate the awesome bundle (or in my case bundles) in front of you is the worst part. It takes a lot of courage to reveal something like this -- let to alone to share that it can happen AGAIN despite your best efforts otherwise. I'm probably the billionth person to say this (or at least the 301st), but kudos to you.
523. jennifer said:
i just finished reading your book last night and was wondering how you are doing. i have a 2/12 year old and had post partum after his birth and have been worried about going through that again if we have another baby. i am trilled to read you are going well. AND YOU TOOK A SHOWER!!!!! YOU ARE WONDER WOMAN!!!! it gives me hope!
524. Tania said:
The only advice that I give new moms (and only if they ask for it) is that every baby and every mother are different. All choices should be made to best fit a family.
We as women need to stop judging each other and our decisions. We need to trust that we have good intentions for our families. We may not always agree with the choices made by by other mothers, however it's important to support each other in the good times and the bad.
Good for you for creating boundries while still entertaining us all!
525. Andrea said:
You are the only person I know that doesn't make me feel like I am crazy. Thank god for you!! You are a wonderful person.
526. Mo said:
"a regular person who has an infant and can handle it"
Dude...such a person exists???
I wish I had looked into this medication that you speak of when my kid was new. It would have made my life a whole lot more-whole.
More power to ya, and thank you for sharing. She's dimple-rific!
527. Sheila said:
Sounds like a very happy family.
Enjoy every second, they grow up so fast
528. lgski said:
Sounds like you are doing everything right for you. Good for you for getting help quickly. Marlo is absolutely adorable!
529. LTark said:
Heather, you are the shit. I love that you do what is right in your heart despite what it may mean that you have to deal with from others. You always put your family first and that is a phenomenal task. Marlo is so gorgeous, and I'm so happy for her that she landed with you.
PS. Eagerly awaiting the labor and birth story. With tissues and newspapers.
530. Wendy said:
Fantastic news! Oh, I am so happy for you! I had PPD after my daughter was born. It is a dark and scary place.
531. jewlee said:
This made me cry happy tears. I've been silently rooting for you and I could not be more thrilled that you and your beautiful family are making it through quite wonderfully. Way to go mama. Way to go. <3
532. Kerry said:
I'm sorry you had to feel this again but I'm glad you were able to take care of it so quickly.
I experienced the same thing after my twins were born. I got taken care of but I really haven't been the same since.
533. Kelsey said:
I am so freaking happy for you and I applaud and support you whole heartedly!
534. Amelia Sprout said:
Thanks. I'm not doing the breeding thing again, but this is a great reminder that going to get help really is worth it. Apt. is set for tomorrow to see my new doc. I'm not leaving without a prescription.
535. Anya said:
I'm so glad to hear you are doing better! I saw my doctor after having my (now 9 month old) son and she prescribed medication to treat my postpartum depression. I didn't end up taking it, as the baby started sleeping better, and I started sleeping better, and that made a world of difference. But I felt much better knowing I have it 'just in case'. Congratulations, and I hope you continue to feel this good. I started following your blog shortly before you had Marlo - and now am addicted.
536. Mary@Holy Mackerel said:
Well, I am so so very glad you got help, the right help, and that it's helping...I remember all the torture and terror after little Leta's birth, and I know how scary and awful that must have been for you.
I too went through terrible postpartum after our daughter's birth, and I know only too well how scary and lonely it is.
537. WonderSpot said:
I think it's wonderful and brave and kind and important that you write so honestly about these things. Sometimes people need help and there's nothing wrong with that.
So thanks.
538. Steph said:
This post made me laugh out loud and then tear up in relief and joy.
Congratulations Heather, Jon, Leta, Marlo, Chuck and That Awful Dog.
You are a family, a real one. Holding it together and living for what is important.
Congratulations. <3
539. Vicki said:
Congratulations on your beautiful new daughter. Kudos for doing what is best for yourself and family. Also for sharing the experience with us. Childbirth is a natural, wonderful, amazing thing that can truly screw with you.I'm sure I would have benefited from medicine with my first daughter but that was 25 yrs ago and depression after a baby was not something taken very seriously. I'm a newbie to your site and have enjoyed sharing the last few months with you and your awesome family. May your newly expanded family continue to thrive.
540. Elizabeth said:
I have been one of those people who have worried about you, having read "It Sucked and then I Cried" recently, worrying that there would be a post from you about the darkness descending again.
I am so, SO happy to hear that you got the med cocktail right so quickly this time. You're right, it's nobody's business what you and your doctor have decided regarding your meds and breastfeeding, and I'm just so darn happy for you and Jon and Leta. Thanks for the update!
541. Diane said:
Good for you. Enjoy the baby.
542. Kait said:
If you weren't done having kids I would totally have your babies for being so outspoken and supportive of women getting help for post partum depression.
543. Caroline said:
Heather, you have single-handedly made it possible for us to have one more child. Perhaps. And, yes, I know it will involve my husband at some point, too. And not just his hand. What I'm trying to say is: after a pregnancy and first year of motherhood scarred (though wonderful, beautiful, too) by crippling anxiety, I read your blog and think: I could do it again. And, I could do it differently.
Thanks so much. Amazing, your ability to change the lives of three people in a small town at the bottom of New Zealand, huh!
544. Cam said:
OH MY GOSH... I LOVE reading these posts. You are the best. I am so addicted to DOOCE. PLease never stop writing!!! I check your site like twice a day for new posts. I am a new mom and your stories have gotten me through all the stuff that no one ever tells you about and all the moms around me pretend like they don't have problems. But i have problems. Reading your posts is like having a friend that is HONEST for a change. THANKS!!!
545. Courtney said:
I absolutely love your honesty! What I love even more is your willingness to share your story with the world. I for one am incredibly thankful that you do.
546. insane mother of three said:
I'm so glad to hear that the ball fell and you caught it and have handled it in your usual grace!
Be well and love that baby, it goes so fast and you are truely blessed to have all you have and know it!
547. Karen Smithey said:
As someone who's been through the postpartum depression grinder, I'm so happy for you. You're right, people who would criticize you obviously HAVEN'T BEEN THERE, and you don't need to worry about them.
The medications I took didn't work so well or so fast--I've wondered, when I see people with babies, what it would be like to be myself and care for a newborn at the same time. I'm glad you're getting to find out!
Congratulations on everything!
548. Taylor said:
thank you. no, really, thank you.
549. Joyce said:
Good for you Heather! Enjoy every second!
550. Jane said:
I feel like I say this every time I post a comment here...but I am so happy for your family and for you AND for your kids to have such a Mom and Dad that are There and Present and happy to do it all. Thanks very much for sharing, and good wishes to you all.
551. Katya said:
As someone who read your archives front to back and was gripped by every minute of your story, I am so glad. so so glad, to hear this wonderful post and how your life has changed so much. You wouldn't have thought this was possible when you stole your step dad's bologna and lived in the basement, would you? I am so happy for you, all of you. congratulations, from the bottom of my heart.
552. Christian said:
Bravo, Bravo, Bravo! You are awesome and an inspiration. Thank-you.
553. Wendy said:
What a great post. So glad you recognized the symptoms and got help. I had severe PPD with my little guy, and it scared me so, I think I'm having an only child. But it's good that you decided to give it another try. Sometimes I think I'd like to have another, just so I can have that experience that you are having - the normal one. The happy, anxiety-free one. But still not sure. And her name does kick ass, her eyes are beautifully bright and her dimple is gonna need it's own waterpik - she's gonna have the guys chasing "the girl with the dimple".
554. Molly said:
Heather, I have to say that the image of Marlo slamming her ball cap down on the dirt over home plate made me laugh my fucking ass off. You crack me up.
And GO YOU for getting help. Any dissenters out there read the book _Against Depression_. It's time to take a stand against depression, a zero tolerance policy, and if you're freezing up with anxiety there is NO REASON to live that way! Some of us just feel things very intensely, and meds can help you survive long enough to think about reality calmly. The beautiful thing is--you CAN feel the joy and laughter intensely and refuse to live with the pain. It's a dirty little secret I am SOOO GLAD you let out of the box!!!
555. Ellen said:
It's awesome that you did something about it and that it seems to be working out for you. I hope everything continues to go well so that you can keep enjoying your wonderful family.
Also- I'd love to see a video of Marlo's yelling. Little baby mannerisms always crack me up. :)
556. Natalie said:
Congratulations on the new addition to your family as well as the courage to notice the signs of what was happening and take the action that was needed. I know it has to be hard, my husband has been dealing with anxiety attacks and depression for the past year and a half and I am happy to say he is finally on a path of healing thanks to his amazing doctor.
557. Reader from Walnut Grove, B.C said:
Heather
You could have been writing about my own experience with my 2nd child. I was on meds during my pregnancy as well as during 10 months of nursing. I decided that the benefit out weighed the risk.
One day Marlo and Leta will appreciate what a strong female role model you are, and they will love you even more than they do.
Enjoy your sweet little girls, you deserve every minute!!
558. MM3 said:
The only thing I think you're a wee bit crazy for is the natural chilbirth. I did that once - not my choice - and thought I was going to die. And never see my little bundle of joy. 7 1/2 years later, I still have a chip in my shoulder about that. But she was worth it. Kudos to you for taking care of yourself and seeking help. Help is good. Meds are good too. You know what is best for you and your family. And that is all that matters.
559. Bridget said:
Heather, good for you! I'm glad you were able to get the medications adjusted and you have access to such a wise and caring doctor. I, too, recently read your book and think it's a great service to anyone who might be facing postpartum depression currently or in the future. I've been worried about you, but totally not in an internet stalker way, I swear, and I'm glad to hear that you have things under-control. But stop showing off with the making it to the pediatrician appointment on time! You're such an over-achiever.
560. Valerie said:
I had my third little one on June 4. I am sooo there with you. I admire you for having the strength to ask for help. Aaaannd, I am jealous your hubby took the baby so you could type. I am doing this with one hand as my daughter wakes up and starts head butting me in that "feed me now or I will break your collarbone" kind of way.
561. Molly said:
One more thing about the breastfeeding: the human body is amazing, and it seems stupid to deny your baby your irreproducable antibodies because of some phantom threat of life-saving antidepressants. We all know now that the whole crack-baby scare was mostly a racist media frenzy, right? It seems the vast majority of drug-related newborn problems are related to alcohol, which believe it or not you can get without a prescription. But my point: my beloved sister had to take chemo while she was pregnant in a fight to save her life (we did lose her ultimately). No one knew what would happen. Little Jacob is now a happy and healthy nine-year-old. If a mother's body can nurture a child on chemo, it can surely handle antidepressants! The labelling stuff is just because it's considered unethical to do drug trials on pregnant and lactating women--so they remain mostly a realm of pharmacological mystery. Trust in your amazing body!
562. Emma said:
Heather, all I want to say to you is kudos for realizing so quickly what was going on. I've never had a baby, so no PPD (yet?) for me. But I have suffered through multiple bouts of fairly severe clinical depression, and once I started being able to recognize when I was falling down the rabbit hole I quickly became much better able to put a stop to it before I got too low. You're doing the best thing both for yourself and for your family and you deserve a round of applause for it.
563. jg said:
YEY!
564. jasmine said:
Congratulations. Me and my hubby have been hoping that everything will go smoother for you and your family this time around. Reading this, i am so glad that you recognized signs and got the help that you needed. i was lucky enough not to have much effects after i had our boys. i did randomly start crying once at dinner. which freaked him out.... enjoy every moment. don't listen to the negative people out there. take care of yourself and your family. you cannot do one without the other. i know this sounds a little crazy, but i am proud of you. (now i am misty, and no excuse to be)
565. Stephanie said:
YAY Heather!! I'm so glad that you were able to get treatment and you are already feeling better. That is really great. Marlo is beautiful! I'm glad you get to have one of your babies look like you! :)
I do have a selfish question that I'm hoping you can answer. Do you happen to know what steps your dr. has women do in their 3rd trimester to prepare for PPD? I had severe PPD when my daughter was born in 2007, and although I didn't end up in the hospital, it was pretty bad. My dr. kept telling me it was "baby blues" until I fired her and went somewhere else to finally get some help.
I'm 11 weeks pregnant with #2 and am terrified it will happen again. So anything I can do to prepare is great. I'd love any information from him that you'd care to share. (His name or a website perhaps?) Thanks!
566. Bridget said:
Congratulations! I love reading your blog and the fact that you write about real things in life...like the struggles of motherhood, and life changes in general. You truly are an inspiration.
567. Keep On S'myelin! said:
What a wonderful, uplifting entry!
Maybe I'm being too forward (and you probably won't read comment #6528476 or whatever number I am anyway) but have you ever talked about what meds you take and what exactly you take them for (I know about the depression but is it for something else too, anxiety, fatigue, etc. or does all that come with depression?)? Is your doctor a family doctor or a specialist? Is it in one of your books or an entry? Have you taken the meds since 2004 or stopped and started them again now?
Sorry for so many questions (can you tell I'm new to your blog) but just trying to get a feel for when you think something is a bit off and when you actually know something isn't right through others experiences (especially sine you said you felt better within a few days).
Thanks :)
568. Robin said:
I'm so glad to read this from you. I read your book and I can't imagine having felt that way. I struggled for a bit as well, and to have had it be worse... well, I don't want to think about it.
So to hear that you are doing well and enjoying that baby makes me smile.
569. Cam said:
Funny thing: I spent this afternoon reading all your posts tagged with "depression" only to find this new one right now.
Can I say thank you, thank you, thank you, Heather, a hundred million times for your candor and honesty and courage?
Reading you is refreshing and so, so empowering. Thank you, really.
570. Betina said:
I am so glad you have such a good doctor and that you're doing better.
After being diagnosed as infertile and 3 adoptions later I randomly ended up pregnant and chose the natural childbirth route. It was the most amazing thing I've ever done and though more than 4 children would throw me over the edge I sometimes dream about getting to do it again. I can see how those Mormons have so many kids (me being one of them)... that surge of hormones after delivery is out of this world.
Congratulations to you and yours. God bless.
571. Jennifer said:
oh my gosh--
tear
sniff
tear
tear
sniff sniff sniff
yelled at by my own wee one
changed a turmeric diaper
sniff sniff
i am so happy for you!
the yelling only gets funnier.
in our house, we all refer to ourselves as "slaves."
you should see the outfits.
572. Laura B said:
Being that he has treated post-partum depression for so long, I am sure he knows what's safe and what's not for breastfeeding, can cite the drugs in his sleep, or he would not be practicing for long. So many meds ARE safe, but this is so poorly understood by so many people, that's why I'm bothering to become a lactation consultant when I'm already a pharmacist (does not pay nearly as well, but there's a need!)
I am glad that you were able to see this same doc again, I know that seeing someone familiar in all of this must have helped as well.
And as for your wonderful book, we're reading it in my book club next month! (I already read it, since I read your blog and knew it would be great, and it was!)
And now you know to consult with him when you are still pregnant with baby #3. (ducks and runs)
573. Amanda said:
You sound so gloriously happy, I actually teared up at the end.
I also wanted to say (and I haven't read all 568 comments, so forgive me if 568 other people have said this as well) that I have taken a cocktail of medications to ensure my survival and sanity through three of my four (yes! Four! because I'm just that crazy) children and they are all beautiful, smart, and happy.
I wish good and happy things for you.
574. Katie said:
So happy for you, Heather! You're an inspiration. You deserve this, so go enjoy :)
575. eejm said:
Sorry to see that the postpartum depression has affected you again, but I'm glad you sought treatment and are feeling so much better. I was lucky enough to escape postpartum depression after my son was born (which was a MIRACLE considering I had damn near all the risk factors), but I've dealt with depression/anxiety since my teenage years. I was also hospitalized briefly for a particularly nasty attack. Amen to medications that work and allow us to live our lives in peace.
Enjoy your gorgeous new baby!
576. Terri said:
Anxiety is such an ugly, ugly thing. Way to realized that it was NOT supposed to be and dealing with it.
577. Pam said:
All I can say is congratulations and hooray for the meds.
578. mataki225 said:
Yay!
Not in the sarcastic yay- you suck and no one cares kind of mean way, but in a real Yay! I'm really happy you're not only getting through this ppd safely (for all involved), but joyously. Enjoy it. Parenting is much better the second time (you know, with all of the joys of the first time minus most of the self doubt and fear). Congratulations!
579. Beth said:
Heather - Anyone who criticizes you for taking the meds that you need in order to be healthy has clearly never experienced postpartum depression or anxiety. I experienced both six years ago after the birth of my son, and I for one am DELIGHTED that you are taking the meds you need and that you felt better so soon. BRAVA, woman! YAY YAY YAY!
Thanks for writing about this in such a clear, honest way, so that those who suffer in silence fearing the wrath of society can come out of hiding and get the help they need.
And fuck Tom Cruise, too. That is all.
--Beth
580. Elle said:
Ah, it is good to see a blog post from you. I'm glad you are doing well, despite hiccups along the way.
It's great to see you (and I'm sure Jon) picked up on this issues, and had them addressed so quickly.
Your openness about mental health issues, is a relief to all those that suffer. I may be childless and 20 but your openness helps me as well. Thanks. Enjoy.
581. LIfesBeenGood said:
Way to "get thee to" the doctor's office my dear! You definately get credit for the save.
Not only do you have two beautiful girls, two adorable pooches, and a smashing hubby (forgive me Jon for the order in which you are listed) but you also have a clear head...
Priceless.
Jen
582. Tanna said:
I am so happy for you! She is beautiful just as the second time around should be, I'm glad all is working well for you and your foursome!
583. daisy said:
Yay! So glad to hear it!
584. Crawforn said:
I'm glad you recognized the signs right away and did what you had to do! Well done!!!
585. Lollyblogger said:
You know that 4th grade Career Day crap they feed you when they say:
"A job is something you do for money, a career is something you do because you HAVE to. You just do?"
Your blog is such a lucky career for the world to have. You are helping tons of people with this, and not to get all Greek chorus on your ass, but it's nice to see it all work out.
586. anj said:
thank you for sharing this. you help so many moms who don't have a voice, or the confidence to take care of themselves on their own.
587. Leanne said:
Heather as a long time reader, who experienced much the same things that you did with the birth of my now 6 year old son....Thank you! I have put off having another baby for so many years just because of the fear. The fear of knowing what it is like to be trapped in that awful dark place, the fear of having to dig yourself out of the darkness and the time it takes to feel normal again.
Having finally returned to my "normal" state I have been paranoid to go back. Yes, I have discussed it with my Dr and my husband constantly reassures me that this time it will be different. And I guess I knew all along it would be, but you are living proof it can be (it sounds silly, but a light bulb honestly went on in my head after reading this post....if Heather can do it, so can I). So, although you do not know me you have been more help to me than all of my friends put together, because if you haven't been there it is impossible to understand.
Congratulations and thanks again (I will be sure to send you my baby photos :)
Leanne
588. robinvk said:
I suffered from numbing depression for years. I can't imagine how frightening it would be to be depressed and have a new baby to care for.
TAKE THE MEDS! TAKE THE MEDS!!!
Congratulations you two on making one sweet faced baby!
589. SurprisingWoman said:
I cannot tell you how happy I am for you.
Good for you and I am delighted that you were able to get into see the wonder doctor. He sounds like a jewel.
Do what you need to do and fuck the haters.
590. Laura T said:
You are fabulous. Thanks for sharing.
591. Krista said:
Just a moment to say I am very proud of you to take those steps and go to the doctor.
Also, you HAVE to put up video of the kicking, yelling coal miner baby. :)
592. Jessica said:
Heather, I think you are awesome. Since I follow you on Twitter, I got all the updates when you went into labor, and I was so excited for you guys when Marlo was born! I didn't even mind the phone going off during the night with updates. I must say that I was worried when your regular website posting didn't resume, because I apparently think you are SuperHuman and should have continued posting on your website even though you had just given birth for goodness sakes. Anyway, I am so glad to have this post to read today. I'm so sorry to hear that you had a couple of rough days, but SO happy for you that you have found the resolution to the 'problem'. I think you are an incredible mom, and I think your girls are two of the luckiest kids around to have you and Jon for their parents. I think you are awesome, and even though I only 'know' you over the internet, I absolutely adore you and your family. And I hope it's not creepy that a complete stranger feels that way :).
593. Sandy H said:
Your wit and charm are unmatched! Thanks for sharing! I'm a grandma now and lovin it! Sure could have used your story more than 30 years ago! And when my second child came along nearly 27 years ago I could have used the meds! Oh what a mess I was and a severe PMS sufferer to boot! It's now known PMS and PPD often go hand in hand. You bring back memories, only kudos to you for seeking help, I didn't seek help....it often sought me.
594. phylly3 said:
Heather, recently a family member confided that she was having symptoms of ppd. She has a 3 month old, is a young mother and did not know how to cope or where to turn. I told her to run, not walk to her doctor. She did and was started on a medication that same day. She told me she felt better by the first evening! Thank you so much for talking about your experiences, it helped me to help her.
595. Loaf said:
So glad you're feeling better and this doc can help. Marlo & Leta are adorable.
I just read your book, and started reading your blog, and I've been hoping things would go well for you this time around, maybe better because you know where to go for help. That is so important.
You are really inspiring to me. Post-partum depression runs in my family and I've seen it destroy many lovely women, so thank you for writing about it and feel proud for getting help.
596. Regan said:
300+ comments later....you are so awesome. You are ALL of us in one way or another!
597. Lisa Gallien said:
Honestly, as the mother of three, I can tell you going from zero kids to one is WAAAAAAY harder than any other transition. It going to be great!
598. Rachel said:
Heather, you're amazing.
I'm *SOOOOOO* happy for you! I"m *SO* glad that you were able to head this one off! :-) A MILLION HUGS TO YOU!!! You give people out there like me hope that one day, it will be OKAY to breed, AND OKAY to deal with the postpartum BS.
Thank you!
Lotsa Love!
599. Lisa said:
Just picked up your book from the library on Monday....it's hard to put down!! Love it!
600. Tricia said:
Awesome! Glad you are doing so well.