Two brief anecdotes
Monday, September 22 2008
File Under:
Daily, Leta, Parenthood
link to this entry
444 comments
Jon, Leta, and I are spending a leisurely Saturday afternoon shopping at a nearby outdoor mall and hop into a furniture store just to browse what's new. We test out a few couches, inspect a few coffee tables, and Leta admires several large pillows. She sees a gigantic floor pillow covered in a soft zebra pattern and declares that she would like one of those right now, please. I check its price tag, gag on the idea of handing over a mortgage payment for a pillow that would no doubt be covered in Capri Sun stains within ten minutes of being in our house, and declare that it will not be coming home with us. But she said please. Yeah, and I said no. But she said the whole thing nicely. Yeah, and your point is? Mama would very much like a bigger set of tits right now, please. See how that didn't work?
Jon and I head toward the exit and can feel the temperature in the room rising with Leta's anger, and suddenly she throws her body face first onto the floor. We step over her body and pretend that we don't know whose kid that is, remarking to each other that some people really need to learn to get control over their rotten offspring, and when she sees that it's fourth down and twenty yards to go she turns over on her back and yells up from the floor, "OH MY GOD THE HELL."
Both Jon and I whip around and give her The Menacing Stare, the So Help Me God I Will Risk Going To Prison If That's What This Is Going To Take kind of glare, and when she makes eye contact with us she yells it again, only this time lingering on the last syllable as if she were singing the national anthem: "OH MY GOD THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
I march over to her horizontal body, pick her up and throw her over my shoulder like one might do a friend who has passed out from too much tequila and needs to be moved so that you don't run her over when you back out of the driveway, and quickly transport her outside. There I set her down, and then I squat so that my face is about a centimeter from hers and inform her that what she just did was totally unacceptable. And I think the speed with which that whole maneuver takes place has scared the living HELLLLLLLLLLLLL out of her because her lower lip starts to tremble and she says, "Okay, Mama." I ask her if she knows what she did wrong, but she is too terrified to answer me. If my dad had been standing there he would have given me a high five as this is the patented Hamilton Method of parenting.
"Leta, we told you never to use those words outside of the house, remember?"
"Yes, Mama," she says, a tear forming in her right eye.
"And if you ever do this again you're not going to be allowed to use those words inside the house either. You understand?"
...........
Jon and Leta have gone upstairs to have breakfast, and I stumble in about thirty minutes later half awake, half dead. I head straight for Jon to give him a hug and thank him for getting up with the kid, and as we're lingering in a sleepy embrace Leta shouts, "Let's do a family hug!"
She hops down from the table where she is eating a bowl of Fruit Loops, runs over to us, and we pick her up and nuzzle her neck while squeezing each other to the point of discomfort. I give her a final kiss on the forehead before setting her down, and as I go to give Jon a kiss she proudly stares up at both of us as if we're her children and have just graduated with honors. "That right there..." she says, "...that was a damn good family hug."
1. Kelly said:
*wipes away tear*
You've taught her so well. Proud!
2. jennielynn said:
Could you be any prouder?
3. Anonymous said:
I feel a tear coming to MY eye.
4. thleen said:
Excellent and bravo.
5. Sarah said:
Damn good post!
6. Daddy Scratches said:
Jeez, and my wife keeps getting upset if I accidentally cuss in front of the kids. She is robbing us of all of this adorable juvenile profanity! Damn her to HELLL!
7. Megan said:
Holy crap, this post makes me laugh like the mother of a four year old that I am!
Excellent (appropriate) use of a cuss word, Leta!
8. Anonymous said:
Fucking seventh!
9. robyn said:
Our parenting is very similar. Instead of 'inside voices and outside voices', we have 'inside words and outside words'.....
10. Giovanna Diaries said:
I hate to admit it, but I love when kids talk like adults. It totally cracks me up. My kids aren't as cool as Leta the most they say is "I have two words for you....shut and up." Thanks Shrek!
On the other hand, I do have a little Casanova. One of my little guys is drawn to girls like moth to a flame.
We went walking around a lake by our house and there were 3 ladies walking their dogs and he rides his bike over to them and says "Hiiiiiiiii Girls!" And I swear, I could almost see a wink! He'll be 5 next month!
11. Erika said:
Reminds me of the day a preschooler told me he could see my coochie. (which he could not because I was wearing pants and underwear) or the many times my son has decided to make himself throw up in public. Some people's kids. =)
12. Nathan Pralle said:
HA! I love it. If words are the writers sword, no doubt Leta will be a silent ninja in the night with a brace of small, sharp objects at the ready to thunk into someone's unsuspecting, quivering body. Well done.
13. Heather said:
Hard to believe its the same kid. At least she remembered where it was appropriate to use those kinds of words :)
14. reavolution said:
That was pure awesome! Nothing worked better on me than my mother putting the fear of G-o-d into my heart...and then finding out my dad didn't mind when I used those words anywhere. Oh, divorced parents provided so much good leverage as a child.
15. Anonymous said:
My two favorites that my 7 year old niece uttered around the age of 3. Calling her grandfather an "idiot shit" in the car for bad driving AND in response to her mother calling her smarty pants, "Well you're a bastard pants."
16. Marissa said:
I love it!
17. Jaimie said:
I just wanted to leave a comment (the comments are usually closed by the time I read your posts) saying that I LOVE reading your blog!! I adore your snark :)
You are a superb writer...and seem to have the BEST source of material to write about!!
Leta's frickin hilarious!! (well, so are you ;) )
Jaimie (just a lurker)
18. Becca said:
Love it.. too funny!
19. Tonya Cinnamon said:
chuckling.... gotta love the kidlets...:D
20. Emily said:
I think Leta's just doing her part to balance out Utah a little bit and hell, I think that's damned awesome.
21. JP said:
Damn, that's one hell of a kid you got there. :)
Hilarious.
22. Me said:
It only gets better from here. I'd told my friend to curb his language before his child was born. He didn't listen. As an avid sports gambler, he watches a lot of football with his daughter on multiple TVs in the living room. One particular SUNDAY when the church group is over for a get-together, the TVs have all the games on and my friend is rooting for the visiting team. His daughter, 3 1/2 at the time, hearing the home crowd cheer lets the F word fly while sitting in the preacher's lap. When the entire room turns to look at her, she said 'Oops.' then looks at the preacher and starts to cry that she doesn't want to go to hell!!!
23. Ariel said:
I loved it when my 1 year old said 'fuck'.
Everyone thought she was saying Truck but I knew the truth :)
24. Calee said:
Just yesterday my husband told me I need to cut down on shouting "shit" whenever I drop something. It's only a matter of time before the toddler switches from saying a cute "uh oh" to "shit, balls, damn."
Crud.
25. calimom said:
Too funny! Reminds me of the time I had to slam on my brakes for some fool who cut me off. We pulled up next to him at a stop light just a few blocks later. My then 2 year old (now 19) pointed at him and yelled, very clearly, "That guy's a son of a bitch, huh, mom?"
Did I mention both my son's window and the window of the other driver were down?
yeah...
26. LaurenR said:
My son started to pitch a huge tantrum like that once on the way out of school. He threw himself down on the stairs and started to scream about whatever it was, and I raised my eyebrows at him and said "Really? You're going to throw a big fit right here with all your friends watching you?" He stopped, looked at me like, "Damn, woman, you make an excellent point." and that was that. I have no idea what I'd have done if he wasn't afraid of public humiliation.
27. Dannie said:
I completely love you. If I was the kissing type, I would totally kiss you.
Leta=priceless.
28. Kristen said:
Out of the mouth of babes, I swear!
I explained to my six-year-old stepson why our dog Roscoe could no longer make puppies and informed him that balls was not the right term to use, that they were testicles and he turned to me and said, "Yeah testicles!!!"
His brother on the other hand is the one that yells, "Out of my way shitass!" when someone is driving to slow in front of us...yeah he's seven.
29. Elizabeth said:
That right there was a damn good family post.
30. Undomestic Diva said:
My 3 year old is well-versed in the F word, using it in perfect context every time, which you know, makes it illegal and unnecessary to reprimand him since he did use proper grammar and all.
31. kay said:
who in the hell taught that baby to cuss?!!!! dammit.
32. ORKMommy said:
Thank God I'm not the only one!
We were laying in bed one morning (the man, the kid & me) and my stomach growled very loudly. I looked at the man and said "Go make me breakfast bitch" and the 5yr old said "Yea, go make breakfast bitch". I laughed my ass off and explained that there are words for home and words for everywhere else.
When I told friends about this, they didn't find it as funny as I did. Who knew...
33. J. Bo said:
Aaaand... the torch is passed to the next generation.
34. jen said:
my neice said she hated elevators because they piss her out.
35. Athenae said:
Oh, man, this thread is gonna make me giggle uncontrollably all day, right?
Bastard Pants just became my new insult.
My father's a pharmacist and his co-workers used to think it was HI-larious to teach me the names of the really serious narcotic and anti-psychotic drugs and then tell me to go ask my father for some of them. When I was three. I always did it, too. "Can I have some Haldol, Daddy?" It's a wonder I wasn't strangled in my crib.
A.
36. ...loveMaegan said:
just like her mama.
I would have thrown a tantrum over a fabulous zebra pillow too. Could you blame her?
37. Sarah said:
When we were in Kentucky visiting my (very Southern Baptist) grandparents, my 3 year old decided to park herself in the middle of their living room floor and stack blocks that my grandpa had made for her. When the tower collapsed, she hung her head and said, "Well, God DAMMIT."
I blamed Spongebob. (Like my grandparents are gonna know?)
I approve of Leta's upbringing. There is no more valuable skill than knowing how to curse appropriately!
38. E-Lo said:
Ahhh... that's one punk rock toddler. Love it!
39. Canadian Reader said:
Still laughing. I would have loved to see the over the shoulder manouver!! Hilarious. Can you imagine being a witness to that scene!! Anonymous #15, your niece is awesome. You should introduce her to Leta. Working with kids (kindergarten teacher) ...you wouldn't believe what you hear--Hilarious. As a mother of older kids I love to witness the mortification of preschool parents. Too funny, and you just want to say...just wait and see what they do to you when they are teens! HA! Oh to go back in time and relive those moments. Love your blog.
40. The Husband said:
My favorite is when one of the kids lets loose with a properly used "Godfuckit!" Okay, I'm kidding. But it's only a matter of time.
41. Ginny said:
I just love reading Dooce, and your family makes me crack up.
I live in Houston, Texas and after Ike came through, we had power, water, but no internet. I was dying from my lack of daily Dooce. So glad both of you are back!
42. SuZ said:
Oh. My. GOD!!! I love it!!!
43. the mighty jimbo said:
@#$%, if she isn't your kid after all.
;-)
44. tj said:
...lol...Priceless. I so needed this today, thank you Heather! lol...
...Blessings... :o)
45. Katie said:
This just made my day!
46. Kiki D. said:
That was the cutest thing I've read all day.
47. Scott said:
I would've got my ass whupped something awful for that kind of public tantrum.
Also, I have a very clear memory of swinging on stair post as a wee tot happily singing, "Shit, shit, shit" while my mother tells me to stop.
48. Diane in NC said:
Too funny! You should post a couple of Leta anecdotes every Monday to take away the pain of it being Monday. Thanks for the laughs. :)
49. niz said:
Wow, can't wait to see the responses to this post on Hate Mail day. You are a brave woman.
When I was about 2 my best friend couldn't pronounce my name (Sophie), and somehow the nearest approximation he could manage was "Fucky."
I'm sure our mothers would have discouraged this had they been able to stop laughing long enough to address it.
50. Maddnessofme said:
That is what I'm going to do if you don't pick the name FARLEY for that dog!
The hell! The hell!
51. Mrs. B. Roth said:
Good post. It's tricky, here in Utah - with all the rules of acceptable language, to help kids know that some words in some contexts (like just mom and dad and at home) are fine, but in front of gramma, grandpa, Primary teacher, etc. we probably should not say, "Dammit!" and not "Bammit" either. And while "what the ..." is okay, we mustn't go on to "what the hell?!"
Best of luck.
52. Robin said:
Why wait to teach your kids the proper use of such words? Plus it's so awesome when they use the words correctly (in the privacy of one's own home, of course).
Bravo.
53. stephanie said:
Z Gallery.
That was Leta?
I want that pillow too.
54. Karen said:
My fiance thinks it's funny to yell "EAT MY PUSSY!" when I'm on important phone calls.
I'm dreading that this is the one thing my toddler will pick up on when he starts repeating things we say.
55. The Independent Mom! said:
Oh thank the Gods my kids aren't the only ones who talk like adults!
56. kirida said:
That was good. Damn good.
57. gingela5 said:
Interesting post...I don't necessarily agree with that but you are allowed to do what you want with your own children. And I am on pins and needles about the dog name!
58. Teresa said:
Can we set up a long-distance play-date relationship between Leta and my just-turned-6-year-old daughter? She has been diligently studying her two older brothers verbage recently and yesterday called my husband "you funking asprin idiot!" Not sure if the translation is fuckin' asswipe idiot or what! Ya, so I'm a Southern Baptist Preacher's Kid. What can I say? She's MINE and I'm proud.
59. Pretty Lush said:
That kid is infinite shades of adorable.
60. tracy said:
those are some damn good stories! thanks for giving me a giggle today :)
61. Bad Parent said:
You have a budding actress in the making.
Leta really knows how to push your buttons and you're learning how to teach her to keep her shit together in public over nonsense.
My kid still pulls this crap over wanting "stuff", but she is 22 yrs old. Curb it while you have the ability to teach her to how to not be a spilled brat.
I missed that parenting lesson!
62. Anonymous said:
She's obviously very precocious...I'm looking forward to the teen years...maybe she'll start to blog like her mom:)
63. Sarah said:
Heather, she's so awesome.
My now-15-year-old cousin's first phrase was "fuck it." It was hysterical to 9-year-old me.
64. Margie said:
That is about as good as when my daughter (who is now 28) at the age of 3 called me a "dumb mother fucker" when I wouldn't her wander the store alone (she had picked that up at the CHURCH preschool she attended) . . needless to say, I got down eyeball to eyeball with her too and put the fear of god into her . . sort of . . three days later she called her grandmother the same thing . . as far as I know she has never said it again, at least to our faces.
65. Kris said:
AWESOME.
66. nikki said:
The hubby, the kid (4 at the time) and I had a cozy night in watching Shrek a few years ago. Next day, driving through a snowstorm to go sledding, a little voice pipes up from the back seat and says, "Daddy, this is the best damn snow ever."
Daddy damn near drove off the road.
67. leesavee said:
LOVE to see a child using profanity in such an appropriate way.
Many years ago, I nannied for a child in NYC. Her parents had taught her all about the correct anatomical names for body parts. She was three. We were walking through a crowded Fairway grocery store, and she kept pulling on her underwear. I asked what the problem was, repeatedly, and finally, in exasperation, she yelled, "Lisa, MY VAGINA ITCHES!!!"
Everyone around us was quite amused. As, I'm sure, were the people in the store with the zebra pillow.
68. Kathi said:
Same thing happened when our son was 4. We were in a grocery store, except when my husband picked him up and carried him out to our car, he was surrounded by police cars within a couple minutes. Seems a helpful passerby called to report a kidnapping... Now the Meting Out of Justice is handled by Mommy when we're in public. We have the same damn hell ass rule in our house - go to town with your vocabulary as long as we're inside, and you don't have friends over!
69. P said:
Damn smart kid that one.
70. Jennifer said:
That right there, was a damn good anecdote.
Thank you for, once again, shedding some light as to the embarrassments I have the esteemed pleasure of understanding, once we have children. Oh Squee!!
My sister used to pitch temper tantrums in the middle of stores, I however, am the good child and was the one asleep in my stroller while Denise would make loud remarks about people such as:
"Mommy, that lady is REALLY pregnant!" (Overweight)
"Mommy, what's wrong with that mans eyes?" (Chinese)
"Mommy, that ladys REALLY tan!" (African American)
Oh joy...
71. Raychelle said:
That's adorable! I mean the way kids can exactly mimic their parents is hilarious. I wish there was a video because I'm sure the words were too cute coming out :)
72. Faithstwin said:
Way to scare the crap out of Leta. She will remember that for a LOOONNNGGG time.
You crack me up and as Leta gets older, she will be cracking us up more and more.
73. Toren said:
Holy crap, you and your family own. Brave lady, I pray for your temperance in the hate mail department. Someone will definitely get their nuts twisted up over this. I remember when I was little asking my mom when I would be allowed to cuss, you know, just around the house and such. She said never, I promptly replied, "well, shit."
74. kimca said:
I was just attempting to wedge a futon sized slice of spelt/flax toast in my mouth, smothered in almond butter and sugar free peach jam (deelish), when I almost choked with the laughter. I'll definitely be using the line "OH MY GOD THE HELL" sometime soon (most likely at work tomorrow...).
I finally recovered from my choking fit just as I read #15. Maybe it has something to do with being Canadian (see #39) but I also found that comment hilariously funny.
This is a great site. I got introduced to it recently and the archives are addictive. I've stumbled on many, many gems.
Merci beaucoup
75. Terri said:
We have giant frog which the two year old is now referring to as a "giant fuck." The older kids delight in making Nicky say things like 'mother frog' (mother fuck) etc.
I have to admit, while I usually try to act mature, as if this is not funny, it's hysterical and often I can't help but to make him say a few "froggy" words myself when I think no one is listening.
76. faq said:
fruit loops??? what the hellllll happened to the pancakes?
77. Lisa said:
KIDS....CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM...CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM. JUST WAIT UNTIL IT IS YOUR TURN TO EMBARRASS LETA!!!!! YIPEEE!!!
78. Anna said:
Awww. She makes a mama proud!
79. merlotmom said:
The world is going to H-E-double hockey sticks out there in Mormon country and Leta Armstrong is leading the revolt. HIDE!
80. Natalie said:
Ha! I hope that when I have kids they're as funny as your Leta. Not to mention, both my boyfriend and I curse like sailors, something I doubt we'll change as we get older.
You'd be surprised (or maybe not) by how many younger children love to misbehave through saying something inappropriate. The best is when you're volunteering by teaching children a second or third language and a four-year-old asks you how you say "shit-cock" in Serbian.
:P
81. Heidi Renée said:
If we ever have kids, they are going to be incomprehensibly foul-mouthed... I blame the Navy.
82. Anonymous said:
I think this world needs more "damn good family hugs" ... it would be a better place.
83. Katrina said:
Family legend has it that my mother spent a lot of energy telling my vulgar father to watch his language around me as a toddler.
That stopped when they found me digging through my toybox at age 2, saying "oh shit, oh shit, oh SHIT!" in a perfect imitation of my dear mother when she can't find something.
We like to remind her of this to this day, that she was the one who taught me how to swear properly.
84. Sandra said:
I swear I don't know where it comes from, because I don't really ever swear, but my six-year-old has no problem throwing out the occasional accidental f-bomb while at the same time is completely terrified of accidently saying shut up...
Also, my CAPTCHA text just happens to be, and I am so not kidding, Mullet Rock!
85. Nicole said:
Just last week my 1st grader told me he was supposed to make a word with pieces of paper in class. He made the word "crap". I told him he couldn't use words like that in school. His response was, "Well, I learned it from you." My answer was, "That's not right, because if you learned it from me it would have been 'shit'." He about fell out of his chair.
86. Kimmy said:
Did Leta make up her tantrum phrase herself? I've never heard anyone say OH MY GOD THE HELL! before, but it's very innovative and creative.
My niece just turned 4 years old, and after a long afternoon of games, a pinata, cake, and presents, we are at my mom's house relaxing. She is tired and cranky and starts repeating PISS PISS PISS PISS PISS PISS PISS over and over again! Her parents and my brother and I just looked at eachother like, what the heck do we do?
When one of my cousins was about 5, we all went to the water park - I was about 17 at the time. My brother and I took her to swim through the lazy river and she was wearing one of those kiddie life vests that have a strap that goes right under their crotch. Well, I guess the strap was too tight and was causing her bathing suit to ride up. As she is picking her wedgie, she declares, "My bathing suit is going up my VAGINA!!"
My brother and I could not stop laughing.
87. Jodie said:
Leta is the most precocious kid! I would have had the spanking of my life if I had said anything like that around my parents. Or alternately the mouth washed out with soap routine. My Mom's worst cuss word was "dammit". Ah, growing up in the 60s!
88. Anonymous said:
Hilarious!! When my god daughter was still learning to talk, a friend of her mom's gave her a Funky Girl doll, which she pronounced as "fucky girl." Of course, we would encourage her to say that as much as possible strictly for our amusement.
I love cussing! The F word is my favorite and I truly have to watch it in front of my 4 year old and 22 month old.
Leta is hilarious!
89. Emma said:
Ha, I feel for Leta. I also have a hard time with the 'house only' language as well. Sometimes I find myself almost swearing and/or talking in 'dog language' out in public.
90. Anonymous said:
My son, in response to not getting something at the store he wanted, would yell at the top of his lungs, "mommy, don't hit me again." Needless to say he was never hit, but got the response he wanted from those around us.
91. Jessica said:
OMG I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.
My daughter started saying 'son-of-a-bitch' in context(dropped a toy, stubbed a toe) at 18 months. And who taught her?? Grandma! The same one that was all over ME for MY language! Oh the justice in that! Still makes me smile and it was 6 years ago!
92. Jennifer said:
That's nothing. My daughter dropped the f-bomb in front of my in-laws when she was two. Needless to say, I did not win mother of the year that year.
93. Heather B. said:
That was great. How did you know that I was in dire need of those particular anecdotes?
94. kate said:
Hillarious. I love that she deploys those words in their proper context! And anyone thinking about sending hate mail about this is an asshat.
95. Missy said:
When I was two I watched National Lampoon's Vacation with my older brother (he was supposed to be watching me), and later that night at the dinner table, right after the prayers, I promptly looked at my dad and said, "Fuck your momma." Thank you National Lampoon's and the classic scene from East St. Louis.
96. Natasha said:
#88 "I love cussing! The F word is my favorite..." Doesn't that sound like something a 7-year old would say? Holy articulate, Batman. Maybe that's why that person likes the F word so much. It replaces BIG words like "incredible", distaste", and "antidisestablismentarianism". Okay, not really but you get my point.
97. Haley said:
No cussing but I love this one from my 7 yr old twin nieces, their mom was irritated with the mess in their playroom and told them if they didn't help clean up the mess she was going to throw their toys away, their response was:
"That's ok Mom, Christmas and our birthdays are coming soon and we'll get more toys."
Leta is only 4, oh what fun you are gonna have!!!
98. Elementary Dear said:
Har! Feel blessed, Ms. Armstrong. At least you didn't get a "f@ck!n'"
I love it.
99. Sally in Florida said:
Me personally? I loved it when my little princesses let one of those words fly at home. I was raised somewhat like you and it just makes me laugh because if I had said "crap" my dad would've smacked said crap out of me. High five Leta, that sounded like a damn fine family hug to me too!
100. fanny said:
Leta is my new heroe (but don't tell her I told you).
xx fanny
101. Jennsa said:
Oh my god.
In 5 years time this will SO be my child. And I will be satisfied so long as the swear has been used appropriately and in context. LOL.
102. Catie said:
When my son was 4 yrs old I heard him yell from the other room, with all the all the right inflection "Where's the FUCKIN screw driver?!"
103. dani said:
Holy wow! That is hilarious!
104. Jen said:
Heh... and here I thought I was a nice mom since I let my kids use the "d" word whenever we go by a dam.
You are nicer. You win. You rock!
105. Katie said:
So were you getting onto her for the profanity or the grammar? C'mon now, she IS only four... she'll get it right soon enough!
106. Desiree said:
My fiance and I like to coax our niece into saying certain words she can't quite pronounce yet - like movies = boobies. She also has taken up calling her Dad a "jackass".
I approve of your parenting skills!
The great debate amongst my parents is my first word. Mom says it was "Dada", Dad says it was "Shit".
107. #99 said:
Well, damn and no wonder poor Chuck's going gray!
108. Ms. Moon said:
Yep. And that's why we don't eat them.
109. kim at allconsuming said:
the whippet quick lean in using the low voice and steely eye-contact? it's the key to parenting nirvana.
AND DEAR GOD WOMAN PUT US ALL OUT OF OUR MISERY AND TELL US WHAT THEY NAMED THAT DAMN DOG.
110. Catootes said:
Superb!!!
My kids need to read this as they charge me 25 cents for every curse that tumbles over my lips. I believe they'll be rich by the time they hit 20.
Parenting is not for wimps.
111. Taylee said:
OH MY GOD TO HELLLLLL!!!
I just wanted a chance to say it. HA!
Awesome.
112. crzylady said:
My daughter (almost 3) also curses inside the home.. except sometimes also at Nana's and Nana's not a big fan. so my dauther yelling frustratedly about Nana's DVD player not opening, "It's NOT BUCKING workinggggg!" didn't go over so well with anyone except me, who was so proud she used the word correctly I gave her ice cream when we got home.
113. Stass said:
I think Oh my God the Hell is a good name for a dog. lol
114. Anonymous said:
Just so you know when she hollas out
BE-otch
she means it fondly :)
115. yukkyflugirl said:
I have had the worst day today, and you just made me laugh... so thanks!
I was a toddler in Australia, and I used to get muddled and greet people by "D'gay"
... not rude but pretty cute :)
116. shonda said:
I fucking love that you told her not to say those words.....outside of the house. Seriously, I think you should write a "How To" parenting book. I totally subscribe to your method.
117. Tachae said:
Love it when kids test the boundaries... either makes you want to leave them there forever or grab them in embarrassment and leave asap.
I honestly think you guys are 2 of the best parents Ive read about.
118. Talon said:
*sighs happily*
It makes me fondly remember my late grandfather. We used to live with my grandparents around the time I was two. And they had a HUGE garden. HUGE. Apparently I used to run around it like a budding track star.
So one day a friend of Poppi's came over, and Poppi took him out to the garden for some reason. And for some reason two year old me wasn't allowed to come along like I usually was.
*leans back and chews on a straw* Story goes that I stood stock in the middle of the kitchen after being told no, then ran to the window that faced the garden and yelled "BULLSHIT POPPI BULLSHIT!!!"
The story also goes that my grandmother in the next room was laughing too hard and trying to hide it from me to properly discipline me.
And that is the story behind my grandfather's coffee mug that said "Sounds like BULLSHIT to me!!"
*bows*
:D
119. APeetsMom said:
Oh My God the Heeeeeellllll - that was so funny!
120. Lisa said:
That is TOO funny! I'm a long time reader and I'm delurking now that I have a blog of my own. I love your writing and I always look forward to reading your entries :)
~Lisa
121. Jess said:
Ha!
Reminds me of my friend's two year old.
She tripped and fell over a toy one day and said
"oh shit!"
funniest thing ever.
122. Sarah said:
That was hysterical. :D
123. sad mom said:
Wow. I have been reading your posts for years and find them truly funny and refreshing. But at some point, you're going to have to look down the road and decide how you can best help Leta to grow into her potential. Setting the example of swearing is certainly one way, but perhaps not the most effective if you want her to be able to verbalize frustration or anger in a way that will actually help her get her needs met.
I know this comment comes off as being a wet blanket to the general hilarity of children swearing (they all do at some point), but it's not very attractive for an older child to have swear words on the tip of her tongue. In fact, most schools frown on it.
Good luck.
124. Becky..The Absent Minded Housewife said:
My oldest son once screeched out "FUCK!" in front of his very proper, and wonderful, and very mormon grandmother around that age. It's a forever family moment for sure.
Now that he's 14 he thinks that a sarcastic, "Dayummmm" is the wittiest thing to say on every occasion. I tell him if that's all he's got as commentary that he might as well stay quiet.
125. Auburn said:
Excellent post. You're the Doctor Spock of this generation of moms.
126. Mom of a Cusser said:
So glad I'm not alone.... at two, during a Birthday party at which she received a set of fake ice cream cones which someone accidentally sat on, my little princess screamed “Get off my F*%$ing Ice cream!!”
127. Kristina C. said:
Aren't kids fun?! You should have another - you'll make us laugh twice as much!!
Hilarious!
128. Kristan said:
Well I'll be damned!
129. Tami A. said:
My 2 year old says Fuck. Hasn't said it in front of my very Mormon family yet, but I know it's coming.
Great post today.
130. Amy said:
I love how well you parent. I would have laughed. Well, maybe I would have done the same thing you did, but later I would have laughed.
131. Karryn said:
We were out cruising on our sailboat for five years, so my husband decided to be the one to teach our two children profanity (his excuse was that there were not enough kids around to teach them instead). They followed the same rules and swearing was usually appropriate -- until they started watching Kevin Smith movies. My just-turned-13 daughter swears like a sailor at home, but in school behaves herself well enough to get awards for "exemplary citizenship." Sometimes I wonder if we've gone down that slippery slope too far... and then I read this and know we're doing just fine!
132. Clark said:
I don't care who you are, that's funny.
133. Mental P Mama said:
That child is brilliant. I'd go right ahead and give her an English Degree if I could.
134. Jodie H said:
Honestly, what WOULD we do to entertain ourselves without children.......Um, wait, I can think of a few things.....
Great post! Do you give funny lessons?
135. Deanna said:
I am NOT one of those "you are a bad parent" readers, i actually find it offensively ridiculous when you report back on some of the emails you get.
That being said: the stories of Leta acting out like this are remarkably consistent: her 'difficult' behaviour seems to be similar across circumstances. Have you looked into learning some cognitive behavioural techniques to use with her? (I used to work at a parent/child center that focused on kids with behavioural issues, a LOT of them had behavioural patterns similar to Leta and the techniques worked really well. Essentially, it's about her understanding her own choices. Will screaming in the store make her life better or worse? If she understands that she can make her own choice not make her life worse, and in fact how to make it better - ie consistent good behaviour is rewarded, rather than bad behaviour being punished - then she will eventually learn to make those choices.) Your own life would probably be a lot more peaceful if you didn't have to deal with the tantrums all the time.
And yes, this is way longer than i planned.
136. ML said:
My mother - when I brought home my fiancee to stay with the family - asked him to apologize when he used the "f-word" in front of her.
He had said fart.
We take alot of glory in teaching our kids to say fart and can't wait until the real deal gets "accidently used" in front of Grandma...
137. Jayme said:
I SO needed that today! I love it when tiny kids use expletives in the correct context. Like when my four year said, upon finding out that grandma would not be visiting that day... "This is BULLSHIT!". My husband and I just about died laughing (trying to hide our amusement of course).
138. Becca D.H. said:
You are precisely the type of mom I want to be when I grow up (I'm 25). Bravo.
139. Andrea's Sweet Life said:
My niece was driving in the car with her Papa, and he commented on the long train running parallel to them.
"Yup," she replied, "That is one long ass train."
140. Brittanny said:
This was a great post. It made my Monday.
141. sparksflymom said:
I rarely laugh out loud. I often complain that there just isn't enough out there to make me giggle. Now you've done it. I have laughed my ass off and am totally choked up thinking of this sort of thing with my kids--ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I love how you make me see the messy things in life.
Thank you. So. Much.
142. sparksflymom said:
p.s.I have never commented on a stranger's blog before. I have read your blog since you were dooced. Today I broke the seal. Big day for a Tennessee flymom.
143. Speedglenn said:
Oh sweet fancy Moses, that is the funniest thing ever. I fear that I will be reliving a moment quite similar to that in the not too distant future.
It will also please you to know that my son, son of a yankee (me) and son of a southerner (Bif, my husband) says the phrase "Get down" how I imagine you might say it. It sounds something like "Git DAY-un!"
Imagine him saying "Fucker" with a southern accent.
144. Julie said:
When my son was about four he wasn't feeling well. We took his temperature and after the thermometer beeped he asked what it said. When I told him it was 102 he said "Awww...Dammit" with what sounded like a British accent. At the age of four I don't think he even knew that 102 wasn't a good thing! We still laugh about it today and every time I take his temp I tell him about it again!
145. Anonymous said:
I just LOVE Leta, when I was three (keep in mind this was in 1962) I leaned back in my chair at my grandmother and grandfathers dinner table and said "gramma, that was a damn fine meal" in a house where profanity was Not allowed, EVER. my mom was mortified, of course my dad loved it and I think was proud of me..
maybe not so much the time we went to friends for Spagetti and I looked at my plate and said "Jesus Christ she didn't cut it up for me" I don't know that we ate there ever again..
Leta and I would have been friends when i was three...
146. keagansmom said:
When my 3 year old son (who attends a christian preschool), started saying "JESUS!!!" very loudly whenever he was frustrated, I thought I was gonna die laughing.
I wonder how many comments you will get telling you you're a "bad, bad, mommy" for letting Leta say those words...Heather, you're going to HELL for this (I'll save ya a seat!)
147. Mothering Two said:
Bwahahahaaha! Your daughter sounds a lot like my almost 4 y/o son, Max. We also have a relaxed tude' about curse words, but have rules about when to use them. I read this entry to my hubby while he was cooking dinner, he got a good laugh, too. :)
148. Avery Jones said:
Great story. It's like the time I had my 3 year old nephew in the backseat of the car. While I was driving a car suddenly pulled out in front me.
Before I could say anything a little voice in the backseat said "Jesus!"
149. Madness said:
Madness YELLS at her kids all.the.time. For reals. Madness doesnt know how to speak in a calm tone.
But anyway .. one day Madness was dropping one of the kids friends off at their house and was sitting in the drivers seat talking to the kids mom .. the passenger side door of the minivan was open and kids were in and out in and out blah blah .. next thing Madnss knew .. she saw her baby daughter dart across the street through the rear view. Madness darted out of the minivan and SCREAMED VERY LOUDLY "YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND CHILD!!!" and proceeded to run to said child and grab her up and fling her over her shoulder, plant her squarely back in her seat in the van and then drive straight home at a very high rate of speed .. not uttering another single solitary word. Madness baby Daughter was so shaken by Madness' reaction.. she went in the house and went straight to bed and when Madness went in the room to talk to her and explain that she made Momma VERY scared when she saw her run across the street and thats why Momma yelled the way she did, all baby daughter could do was quiver her lip and cry.
I know EXACTLY the reaction Leta gave you and I was just that exactly satisfied with it.. if I scared the shit out of her .. GOOD. Rather have a scared shitless baby than a splattered across the road baby!
150. under sundog said:
I personally prefer the shame-them-out-of-it method for grooming children. When my brother was 7 he had a Grade-A choice meltdown in Disneyland. In August. The tipping point was when my parents opted not to buy him an Aladdin-style plastic saber.
Now, a mere five years later, whenever he gets uppity about anything we simply employ our most tearful voices and remind him, "Boo Hoo ... I just want a sword! Boo Hoo Boo Hoo."
We expect him to be sapped of all self esteem before his teen years.
151. Lisa said:
My husband called me when I was in the middle of a very serious family meeting concerning one of my hospice patients. He's all, "you won't believe this. The (Baptist) daycare center has asked me to come get Amanda (then 3 years old) and take her home. She called Aunty Edna a 'fat fucking bitch'." I'm all, "omg." And my hospice family is staring at me waiting for me to get off the phone. It was so effing embarrassing to have Amanda use those words. We couldn't figure out where on earth she'd heard them...big bro? big sis? Who knows. All I know is that when I run into Aunty Edna (15 years later) I still blush and feel horribly badly for her!
152. Stellare said:
Kids!
153. Lauren Strange said:
That is a DAMN good idea.
I see no point in telling my child no to something like that when I do the same fucking thing myself.
Granted, my daughter is only 19 months old, but with me and her father's and well just about the rest of our family's potty mouth it's going to happen pretty soon.
That's a great idea, inside words, outside words.
Not to mention it made for a great story.
It had me laughing to the point of tears.
154. Sarah Reed said:
My daughter's favorite is "Booger Ass."
155. Brenda said:
Hilarious! My 7 year old son did something similar just before the beginning of September. It was the end of August and we were hunkered down inside due to another Noah-esque rain. I was watching the news and checking the weather while he played with his Legos. All of a sudden he mumbles "Go figure. This is crappy and unfair." I thought I heard wrong and asked "What did you say?" He said "Look. Next week school starts and it is to be beautiful and sunny. Not fair. It has been crappy rain all summer. It sucks." I said to him "Now you understand what Mondays are like for us, kid!"
156. Anonymous said:
Years ago we were all gathered around the table for a nice family dinner when my then 4 year old brother stands on his chair and says "pass the butta mothafucka".
This phrase still comes up whenever the family gets together, and it still makes us laugh.
157. Astrogirl426 said:
Ok, i CANNOT resist, and I apologize aforethought (don't you love that word?) if this starts a flame war.
But I had to laugh when I read one of your commenters above - yes, her tantrums DO tend to follow the same pattern, how odd! It's almost as though...Almost as though she throws them whenever she doesn't get what she wants! Why, it's amazing - do you think that maybe she's - I don't know - maybe she's acting like a small child and throwing a tantrum because she small children don't know how to control their emotions when they get what they want? Hell, I know grown people who throw tantrums when they don't get what they want.
Not that I'm knocking those techniques - shit, I'm a social worker and have been trained in all kinds of this crap. But the thing is, most kids, when they don't get what they want, and if it's something they really want, are going to throw a fit once in a while. It's not like she's doing it every day, and likely she's more prone to them when she's tired/cranky/hungry/whatever.
Anyway, I loved it - I thought for a second you were going to threaten that she couldn't use ANY words, EVER. The look on her face when she processed THAT would have been priceless.
158. Ellen said:
GOOD STUFF! If I'd been there I would've been hiding behind a couch laughing until I cried.
I was raised that those words were NEVER appropriate - and soap in mouth was the treatment. Well, recently I was being sarcastic to my mom (keeps her young) and she started to call me a bitch but caught herself and tried to change it. I squealed, "Did you call me a bitch???"
She couldn't deny it. I laughed until my sides hurt. Parents get funnier with age.
159. Maura said:
That kid is a pistol! You are in sooooo much trouble later on. :-)
160. Meredith said:
F-in hilarious.
161. Becky said:
It IS awesome that she can swear effectively. That kid is going to be awwwwright!
162. Sarah said:
No assvice, people. Only funny stories about children cursing.
163. Susanne said:
We have the same cuss rule for our four-year-old daughter.
And that's how my mother raised me, thank Gods.
Love it here, Dooce. So glad I found your blog.
164. kaerynne said:
We have the same rule - except it goes:
"whatever's said in the Volvo, stays in the Volvo"
I can't drive without swearing so it's fair game that the kids get to try out the lingo IN THE CAR only.
of course, we've all taken to putting our hands up over our head like a roof when outside the car to make swearing pretty much okay anywhere.
165. Alyxherself said:
Yeah.
Tonight my 8yr old son got naked in the hall way instead of in the bathroom before his shower, and when I told him his penis was too grown up to be flashing in the house he said "I'm going to touch you with it" with this cheezy assed grin.... to which I responded, "no, don't bother, it has been a very long time since a penis worried me".
Jeez.
On another note, my new fave phraze iz gonna be..."Oh! the Helllll!"
166. Anonymous said:
would that book be click clack moo???
167. Anonymous said:
My eyes are watering...
so f*cking funny! I love Leta!
168. hayseed said:
Anecdote 1: Been there, done that, except the highlight remains my daughter screaming "I WANT" repeatedly (20-30 times) at the mall, and an elderly lady tut-tutting us (like She had been the perfect mother with the perfect child)
Anecdote 2: I don't know how this happened, but my children pride themselves on Not swearing, and I pride myself on using borderline swear words (like crap ) and watching them squirm. What went wrong? Or what went right?
169. Dodi said:
AWESOME!
170. Rosie said:
As a child I was a bit of a perfectionist and would throw a tantrum (screaming and yelling) whenever I made a mistake while practicing the violin. My mom got so sick of the noise she TOLD me to swear instead of making those horrible noises whenever I got upset.
171. momoftwo said:
Your parenting rules intrigue me! I curse like a sailor and have always known that my girls will grow up to do the same. I've never considered having a "curse in the house" rule. Interesting. My 4 yr old has said a few choice phrases, but nothing in public yet. The best was on Halloween...she was 2. The poor kid couldn't say "pumpkin"...it came out f'in :o) I kept asking her to tell daddy he was pumpkin nuts! Good times.
172. Tee said:
I consider myself extremely liberal; however, I just can't co-sign a child using profanity. In fact, I make a concerted effort to never use it in a kid's presence....family or not. However, isn't that the beauty of free will? It works all ways. Good luck for what I'm sure will be a mountain of hate mail!
173. AColleen said:
adorable
174. Christina @ Pardon My Vintage said:
Just when I thought Dooce had already made my day, you go and post this. Classic!
Thanks, Heather. :-)
175. dandelion factory said:
Oh my god, I am still cracking up! Kids can be too funny, huh? Especially their interpretation of how to cuss. My kids make me laugh when they try to say, "That's what she said" (they have seen The Office waaay too many times) and it really doesn't work. Like, I'll say, "That's a really cool toaster!" and they'll say, "That's what she said!" giggle, giggle.
176. Stu Mark said:
Damn good indeed. Thanks for this, really beautiful.
177. gooey mom said:
this post was so incredibly awesome that i made my husband read it.
178. H said:
When my little brother was 2, he always had his binkie in his mouth. I used to enjoy pulling it out because he got so mad. One time I pulled it out and he yelled "Biiiiiitch"
I died laughing. I'm 17 years older than him so I thought it was too funny! My mom coudln't even hide the laughter!
179. Erik said:
Maybe Tara (long first "a")?
My Tara was sweet, loving, faithful, and beautiful; and like Puppy, was a stealer of hearts.
180. Rich said:
This has to be one of my favorite posts.
I also had to wipe away a tear, OutfuckingStanding Parenting.
We call them Daddy words in my house though.
181. JIll S. said:
LOVE it, lol! You must be very proud.
182. Andrea said:
When I was three – and sitting at a formal dinner table with my very religious grandparents and great-grandparents – I decided to recite the new poem my father had taught me. (I think this poem, or some variation of it, was actually your first blog post.)
Carnation milk is the very best brand
The very best brand in all the land
No tits to pull, no hay to pitch
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
Apparently I sat there smiling, waiting for applause while my father tried to figure out how to crawl under the table without being noticed and my mother shot daggers at him with her eyes.
183. winecat said:
Priceless!
184. Carrie said:
I really don't see how this is funny at all. You expect a 4 year-old to be able to have the impulse control over using appropriate language outside the home?
I mean, I am guilty of swearing in front of my kids, but I'm the ADULT. There are a lot of things that I can do that they can't. That's part of being a grown-up, all those adult perks that come with age.
185. Sarah said:
A boy about Leta's age said to his mom: "MOM this is FUCKING ME OUT"
He obviously meant "freaking" but they had a short chat about when and when not to use that word afterward.
186. Andrea said:
...forgot to say - great post! I'm still laughing...
187. Leena said:
seriously, this makes me want a kid!!!
188. hello haha narf said:
while i am sure you will take a bunch of shit for telling these stories, THANK YOU. you have made my day.
189. melanie said:
So this is my first time here and I dont know you. Usually I just leave if I don't like the post...but seriously, WTF kinda mother are you?
"outside the house"
Seriously? You let her talk like that inside the house?
It's no wonder kids these days are growing up disrespectful...they are being raised by you.
Leta honey, save your allowance now. You will need it for therapy.
190. sarah said:
leta. ftw!
seriously i'm 31 years old and grew up in a household where my parents swore on a pretty regular basis. my mother still freaks when i say fuck. and i tell her to just get over it! and it works. :)
it's my favorite word and i refuse to give it up just for my MOTHER.
191. Free Women's Fitness said:
I love it. The C word was the weapon of choice at my high school - every still looks shocked when someone from my school drops the C bomb.
192. Amy said:
Leta is 4 and I'm almost 40—I still haven't learned to cuss that well. What the flip?
193. Cheri said:
Ooooooh, darlin', you MUST have been bored today b/c it goes w/o saying how many people are going to get their knickers all in sailors' knots about this post and flood your site with nasty, righteous, reactionary comments and e-mails. Best of luck weathering those seas! (Like my nautical theme? I'm so random today.)
194. C said:
This post made me laugh, and for the record, from what I've read over the years, I think you're a great mom.
I admit I *am* curious to know whether a little kid can truly understand that certain words allowed in the home are not allowed in public--esp in situations of extreme anger. I find it difficult to keep my mouth in check when I'm in freak-out mode, and I'm a grown-up! Sounds like it might get kinda problematic at school... esp with the way teachers overreact about stuff like that.
But she's your kid and I totally trust your judgment. Really. Also, I think you're brave and badass and beautiful and awesome. And this post was very well-written. Peace!
195. Sharon said:
I'd be grateful if mine used the opera-sung helllllllll. When he gets mad (at a ripe old age of 4), he bursts into...are you ready for this....
I hate you toopid fucken mummy.
Had to carry him out of my neighbour's house using the same hold you used on Leta one fine summer day. It's those precious moments that make parenting all worth while.
196. Judith said:
I have been reading for years and this is my first comment. Yeah, Leta!!!! And yeah, parents!!! And to the person who questioned your parenting, that's the same thing I taught my sons about cursing. They are almost middle-aged now and very upstanding citizens and not given to cursing in public or private but if they do it, they do it well.
197. herself said:
Potty mouth that I am, I wonder what my stance on the foul language issue will be by the time my 6 month old reaches swearing age. Since the last 6 months has passed like one long day, then he should be swearing by next tuesday. It is unlikely I will have stopped cursing by then.
But Oh My God The Hell if it is anyone other than me who teaches him to swear.
198. Andy in Ogden said:
My parents both used Damn and Hell and my Dad's favorite was Shit.
Only once did I hear him drop the "f" bomb, and I KNEW he was pissed.
When my nieces an nephews were growing up the favorite of theirs was "That just pisses my off!"
Out of the mouth of babes indeed...
199. MamaCass said:
I am laughing out loud right now. Just woke my husband up...because he can't possibly sleep well tonight without reading this first.
200. Buffy Davis said:
I am in the habit of saying, "YOUR MOM'S A WHORE!" loudly every time I hurt myself. My mother has warned me about doing this in front my four year old. Part of me knows she's right... but another part of me kind of can't wait to hear her say it!
Great post! Thanks for sharing.
201. F. said:
What great anecdotes!
My mother always likes to remind me of the grocery store story. I was three and throwing a tantrum in the middle of the aisle about who knows what. And of course, my mom was doing what most moms do, that is to say, ignoring me. Along comes a little old lady who tuts (very similarly I am told to the previous tutting old lady in one of the comments above) and tells me (the three year old - like I was going to comprehend or even care) that I was being "very unladylike" and should remove myself from the middle of the aisle. To which I apparently stared at her and bellowed,"f*** you!". The old lady was aghast and started lecturing my mom about my manners and my mom just looked at her and said, "you heard the girl", gave her the finger, picked me up and stalked off...my mom is still to this day (22 years later), the best :)
202. Greta said:
I've never thought of telling my daughters that they were words that just couldn't be spoken out of the home.
That's actually quite brilliant!
I'm gonna try it and see how it works with my 4 year old who has recently picked up some not so sweet slang.
203. Anonymous said:
That made me laugh out loud! And although everyone is entitled to their opinion, all those folks commenting who have been so offended by Leta's use of cuss words really need to get over themselves. She's not your kid. It's not your problem. Shut the fuck up.
204. Kfc said:
I realize that it is easy for a fan/long time reader to mistakenly assume some sort of bogus intimacy, but if this short music video holds absolutely no interest for the likes of you, I'll eat my laptop. I wonder if we could get a recording to play on Leta's annoying toy cd player. Christians should never be allowed to rock, not even their soul, not even in the bosom of Abraham.
Because, Oh My God the Helll!!! HE will zap you if he can (like a mountie)?
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8&feature=email
And what, exactly, is a Sonseed anyway?
205. Beverly said:
you're kidding, right?????
206. GC said:
Yup, we too have had the talk about "the words that cannot be said outside of home."
I can deal with THE WORDS said at home but I made it clear I won't bail the kid out if she says them in school.
207. Valerie said:
Love it...so glad I'm not alone reading all these comments here...
My then 3 year old son was having an argument with his best bud on the playground...fighting over some toy or something and my son put his hands up in the air and said "fuck it" and let him have it. The preschool teacher reported back with this and the punishment they gave him along with a note I had to sign and return.
I took his little ass home and gave him a high five for sharing and taking the high road. Fuck...he was mature about it and didn't punch him in the face like most fights usually end up!
208. La Vie En Charm City said:
Fantastic!
1. I once saw my three-year-old cousin spill his crayons from out of the box. He looked down at the pile and said, "Well kiss my ass!"
2. When I was a toddler, I went to the store with my grandmother and she bought clothing hangers. The next time my mother took me to the same store, I declared loudly, "This is where Mommom got the Hookers!"
209. Shelli said:
brava.
210. Melinda said:
You're awesome.
Oh, and so is Leta.
211. Chantel said:
I needed that so bad right now. I laughed to myself or giggled is more like it. I might or might not be high. But I also wondered how many of your readers just called CPS.