Leta is a lucky, lucky girl.

Also, she seems more than prepped for the tequila and salt right about now.

Rivers of snot are so much fun. Great post, natch.

I've missed this Dooce, what with all the fame and the books and the cleaning up dog shit. Thanks for letting it all hang out for those who are hanging on by a thread.

Heather, once again you have come through for me. I am so glad to know that it gets better. I have a wonderful baby and 2 older wonderful kids but there are days when you would just rather jump off a ledge than listen to the crying screaming or bickering for one more minute. I know it gets better and I am thankful for every minute that I get to enjoy my kids because of the help I have gotten from family friends and some serious medication. You rock girl.

thanks for this.

This was stunning. And so full of hope for me as I watch my two year-old hurl herself on the floor and have 18 tantrums an hour. It gets better? Really? This is good.
You've come so far.

I just LURV you.

My husband and I have just started trying to get pregnant, and I'm a little scared about how hard it will be getting through the baby stage. I love reading your posts about the process, and I am really looking forward to the stage where you are with Leta right now.

Loving your archive photos of Leta. She was a cute little bunny as a baby and is still a cute little girl. Coco looks like she's growing up. You'll need to post a full body photo of her so we can see how big she's gotten. Do you know that another blogger/writer named her giant puppy Coco? Coco is a Great Pyrennes puppy. Google Suzanne McMinn, she has a blog called Chickens In The Road.

Posting a) just to be near the beginning and b) to say "amen, sister". I was one who did not naturally cotton to motherhood. My little girl is 10 mos younger than Leta. I laugh and cry with you more than I should - because I only have time to look while I'm at work - oops. When I found this site, I couldn't stop telling people about it. I kept saying - "what she said." That's it exactly. And so I will be sending this URL to two dear friends who are in newborn hell to remind them that someday, sooner than they can imagine, they will be talking about lipgloss, or in my own recent case, all the reasons why a real cow cannot come into our house - enumerated of course.

i can't say it any other way, but thank you. i am where you were and i hope to someday be where you are. keep leading the way kemo sabe.

A W E S O M E P O S T!!!!! Thank you so much for the hope for the future!

You wrote this for me, as I bounce my crying, 8 week old son in his bouncy chair. There are lots of days when he and I just cry together and I think I am so not cut out for this, even though I've wanted it my whole life.

It's a lonely place and I appreciate seeing your message. I wish I could also find the archives of your days with Leta when she was a baby. Did you take them down?

Anyway, thank you.

Congratulations! My kids are 8 & 11 and I'm just now starting to feel human again and actually excited to be a mom.

Oh, and do yourself a favor and google 'mucophagy'. It's my most favorite word (despite being incredibly gross, especially the more sexual versions).

I am 30 and don't have any kids, but after reading this it makes me think "I want to have that exciting pre-Lagoon visit experience". Too bad it is one hell of a process to adopt a child when your gay :(

What a wonderful post. You're such an elegant writer. Yes, even when you're writing about your husbands farts.

Wonderful post. I'm sure you just made a ton of women cry and realize, again, that they are not alone.

It is an overwhelmingly beautiful feeling isn't it? Leta is a lucky gal to have such a wonderful and loving mom.

Thank you for reminding me why I love being a mom so much.

I'm new to your blog. I have a few compliments for you.... :)
1) You are hilarious. Seriously. Freaking. Hilarious.
2) You made me cry today. Witty and touching.
3) Lastly, I'm a huge fan....

Keep it up!! Thanks for your transparency!

Well-said, Heather. And I'm sure - somewhere out there - that it is definitely helping someone cope today.

Thanks Heather!

Four months ago my husband and I brought a sibling group of three into our home that we are adopting. (We also have a 12 yr old "bio" son".) It's nice to be reminded that there will always be a tomorrow.

Thank you for sharing. I don't have kids yet but the idea has scared me... okay frightened the living daylights out of me. Thank you for always being so candid. I love reading what you have to share.

What a beautiful post. That's it, that's all. Just beautiful.

Damb right sister!!

THANK YOU! I am so in that place right now and reading posts like this really does help. Just gives that little boost to get you through the next day, or hour, or 5 minutes. My daughter is nine months old now and we're weaning so I can go on antidepressants and anxiety meds. There are good days and bad days. But the older she's gotten, the more I've realized that I am just NOT an infant person. It sounds like I may be more like you, and as she gets older and can DO more, I'll feel more comfortable with this complete overhaul of my life and myself. So, anyway, thanks very much.

By the way, what happens when we're having a conversation AND she's screaming? (i.e., 13 or so, I imagine.) :)

Amen, Mama.

Just hitting the terrible two's with my youngest and my oldest is finally starting to behave. As long as one is good, I can keep it together. That's all you can strive to do as a parent some days, just keep it together.
Also, my 5 year old just slathered lip gloss all over her face this morning for the first time. I went to kiss her good-bye and said "Oh I don't want to mess up all that pretty lip stick, I better just kiss your head" My mom said "you mean gross green slime!" Thanks mom.

Heather, I have been reading your blog for a long, long time. Never commented before, and I'm not exactly sure why I picked this particular post to comment on now. Maybe it has something to do with my 5 1/2 month old son going through his I don't wanna be away from Momma so I'm going to cry all day phase. Maybe it has something to do with the different stages I have watched him go through and thinking how lonely it is for the both of us. And maybe it's just because I could never ever put into words just exactly how I feel about the accomplishments that he's made in the short amount of time he's been alive.

Whatever the reason, this post seriously touched me today. And I needed to know that there are people out there who have felt the same way I have. I, too, didn't feel an instant connection with him. I, too, wish to know what's going through his head at times. And I, too, stare in awe at the pictures from even just months ago and think "Wow, I made it past that stage."

Thanks for letting me know that we will make it. Leta is very beautiful and smart (and we only know a little bit of her)... I could only be so lucky to have Oliver turn out as well as she has.

Truer words were never spoken.

Wait till Leta gets to be a teenager...my daughter is almost 13 and the conversations we have blow me away. They range anywhere from what kind of style she thinks she has to how Barack Obama is going to be the change this country needs (that last one is absolutely true. She tells anyone who will listen why she likes Barack and why he should be the next president. It's awesome).

I think you are so incredibly brave for documenting the things you do about your daughter and about parenting in general. I know you've gotten a lot of shit for it, and I guess that happens when so many people run across what you write on a daily basis. You can't please them all. But what you do here helps numerous people.

On a side note, I LOVE that you document Leta's monthly birthdays. Sometimes I feel like I'm trespassing into a very private conversation, but I think what you're doing is beautiful. These will be invaluable to her one day.

I lost my mother a few years back and have a very precious few letters (and my baby book) that she had written me that I dig up when I'm feeling blue. I wish so much that I could tap into her thoughts and feelings she had while I was small. And that's exactly what you're giving Leta.

Didn't mean to get all morbid on ya, just wanted to share. :-)

GREAT message, and very well said (as usual). While I didn't suffer from PPD, I've struggled with mild anxiety on and off since I was a 'tween, and I know what a job that alone can do on a fragile state of mind, especially the simultaneously sleep-deprived fragile state of mind that so many new moms find themselves in.

I couldn't agree more that there truly comes a definitive point somewhere along the way as your child gets older and more aware of the world around him/her when you realize that they are no longer the constantly needy and demanding dictators they pretty much ALL are as babies, but they've become people unto their own right. The first time my now 5-year-old son and I had what I would call a "real conversation," where his input far exceeded anything he'd ever discussed before, it totally blew my mind and my heart skipped a beat and I thought I might die right there. It was exhilarating. And just the beginning. :)

Our relationship now has so much depth, and our conversations are so enjoyable and wondrous. You are right that it gets SO MUCH BETTER as our kids age out of babyhood and toddlerhood and into being thinking, empathizing, caring and curious little people.

On a parting note, I'm really glad that you chose to be honest and open and vocal about your battles with depression, specifically the hell you went through after having Leta. You've no doubt helped countless women just by sharing your experience, and that makes you a really cool cat in my book.

Well said. Thank you for putting into words what I could not. We're just seeing our way out of the terrible 3's right now. I've always tried to find something I absolutely love about each age/stage. But 3 is hard. It's where defiance meets reason, and it's hellish. Thanks for the reminder that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I didn't expect an estatic feeling after having children...which is why I think I'm a lot more relaxed about it than many of my girlfriends are. I didn't feel compelled to buy every baby product advertised in parenting magazine to be assured I was parenting right. I figured if the baby was fed and covered in something less irritating than a burlap sack, we were doing OK. I had happy babies.

But, now I've got three kids, boys, 14, 9 and 3. They are all HOME because of summer vacation and I AM GOING BATSHIT. They are bored and I am not interested in entertaining them. Today I've shoved them into their rooms with instructions to only come out if they've cut off a finger.

This has been my most difficult summer vacation so far. (My husband is home too, he's a teacher.) I've even had dreams where I beat one of them (husband included) to a pulp. I haven't yet pencilled in my calendar a time to beat them, but oh it's close.

I need a bigger house. I thank god I've had a tubal.

Oh, and depending on how open you are..I didn't realise when I was a early teenager that when I turned 21 I would be laughing with my mother, sharing a bottle of wine and laughing about small penis' and weird dates. I've even been clubbing with my mum!! She's my best friend and it definitley works both ways, you and leta are going to have a great mother-daughter relationship when she gets older.

Beautifully said :)

I have a little girl around the same age as Leta, and I've been marveling at the depth of our conversations lately, too. Its amazing! I didn't go through the same trials and tribulations you did in The Beginning, but this post made me want to go back and relive my experience through my own photos and journals. You have a beautiful way of re-telling past experiences, thank you for the inspiration.

I had a similar first year with my baby boo, and you are right about how very much better it gets. But I have a serious, real question for you: How can you be ready to get back on that horse and try again recognizing that you might have to go through the same experience again? Is knowing it gets better enough? I am so afraid of that - I want another, but I want it to appear at year 1.5 or so, fully formed, and then for us all to move on as a family. I really don't know if I can go through the pregnancy and birth and newborn-ness again and make it. I really don't. So this is a good post to read to remind me of the other side.

that was a beautiful post. i am a relatively new reader and i have to say, you keep me on my toes with the layers you reveal.

your sentiments about motherhood here are so on the money. my kids are teens, one already in college and it is hard for me to believe that i am at this stage. i remember them at Leta's age as if it were yesterday.

when they were 2 mos and 3.5 years i was walking down the street with one crying in my arms and the other literally wrapped around my leg like a monkey throwing the mother-of-all-tantrums. an older woman (probably my age now!) came up to me and said, "you will miss these days"

THAT day? no friggin way do i miss that day! but i get it. sounds like you do too.

Heather,

Thank you so much for all you share. I love your sense of humor, I know I can always get a little laugh from your blog. I teared up at the end of this one because I am one of those moms that needed to hear that, so I really appreciate you saying that! I hate to want my baby girl to grow up, but sometimes after I've done everything I can for her and she's still screaming I don't know what else to hope for besides that. Thanks again, your blog is great!

Please, oh please, post a picture of Ms. Leta covered in lip gloss ...

I don't have children yet (actually the thought terrifies me), but reading through your struggles, and the outcomes of those, inspire me to think that maybe, just maybe, I won't be horrible at it. (Though I may snap and lock them in the closet. I kid, I kid!)

Thanks for writing. And putting you out there - it isn't easy, but we appreciate it.

It's good that you let others know it gets better. Great post. :)

oh, lord! i don't even ~have~ babies and i'm all teary and ridiculous at the thought of how i just know that i probably wouldn't like a new baby. i would be scared, depressed and inconsolable, but then would fall so in love with her over the course of four years that i couldn't try and imagine my life without her. and you're saying i could be excited and happy every day about her potential? ...like giving selflessly to another is the secret to my own happiness?! what the hell, heather?!

so, geez. thanks. i'm going to have to re-rethink this self-centered, child-free decision.

...but in all seriousness, this is a gorgeous post. thank you.

thank you. please tell me your recent manuscript has something to do with how to make it to the other side.

For a very long time I felt like my parenting was based on sense of responsibility but not love or enjoyment. It seemed tedious and horrible and I couldn't imagine why anyone would have children on purpose. My daughter seemed to spend the first entire year crying - always always crying. Now that she's nearly 9 years old it seems hard to imagine when I didn't love her to pieces. It does get better. kim

this made me cry. in a good way.

I'm totally that mom ! Worked as much as possible when my son was small to keep busy, 10 years later stayed home with my daughter. I loved them both to pieces as babies but OMG grown up is BETTER !!!!!!!!Wait until she's 14 and publicly berates you !!! You'll want to kill her but thank GOD she didn't poop her pants too!

Thank you, Heather. And thank you Leta.

I cannot say enough thank yous to you and all the women who have started to come out of the closet about PPD. Now, when and if I have children, I'll know it's not abnormal to think you're losing your mind. I hope Leta continues to grow into a woman who knows how lucky she is to have you as a mom.

Thank you Heather for a great, honest post, and thank you post #69 for your response. Proof that we are all going through the same thing here, and we can all be there for each other.

Heather, this is what you were put here to do. The obstacles you have overcome in your life, were there for a reason. You were strong enough to deal with them head on (along with a very supportive husband) and in turn have been able to help others with your writing and WEB skills.

You should be proud.

I so needed to hear that. I actually filmed a tantrum that my 16-month-old had last night so that I could look back in a year and breathe a sigh of relief that he's finally over me not giving him the french fry that was deep inside the sofa cushions.

thank you, really.
thank you.

This post is exactly why moms should blog. I'm not a mother yet, though I'm feeling the ache of wanting a baby every single day. I'm scared of the realities of child-rearing, terrified that my future child's screams will make me want to go stick my head in a wood chipper. But this post, after reading all you've dealt with, gives me the brightest hope that it's going to be worth it after all.

Thank you Heather, posts like these are why I believe in the Internet.

That was a lovely post. You know, other than the snot. You continue to amaze me daily with your strength and determination. Thank you.

Thank you. It was really good to hear this today.
Sometimes it just doesn't occur, in the midst of it, that it does get better.
But when it does, the better is so much better as to make the bad seem almost worth it.
Thank you again.

I also have a 4 year old and I'm shocked at the conversations I have with her. My daughter is all about finding the loophole in the rules. For example...she knows she's not suppose to say "shit", so she'll come up to me and say "mommy, we don't say shit do we" or "mommy, shit is a bad word isn't it".

I didn't experience postpartum depression, but I'm a single mom and I've had my share of bad days. But then my little one comes up and says "mommy ship...shit...ship...shit...same!" and it's hard not to smile and realize all will be okay!

Thanks for the post Heather.

Wow Heather,
That actually gave me goose bumps and brought tears to my eyes. I am really jealous of your friends and family, I hope they all know how lucky they are to have you. You put things into such a wonderful perspective and I look forward to reading your posts each and every day. I love children and hope to have a few in the next few years. I have battled depression and wonder how I will ever be able to bring a child into this world. You have just given me the hope that it really will be okay and I will be able to do it.

Thank you.

4???????

Puh-lease. It gets SO much better than 4. wait til 6! 7! 10!

But 11 is tough.

What a wonderful post, the words a glimmer. I second every single thing you said, right down to the mental hospital. Thanks again for being so honest.

Oh. And my daughter is only 2 and already she insists on sleeping with her Princess Lip Balm. I'm afraid I'm raising a contestant on Flavor of Love: Season 17.

Great post. I was never able to have children, however, I met an awesome man who was raising two sons on his own and we happened to fall in love.

Much to the disappointment of my parents, we married and I raised these two young boys. They're now in their mid-20's and I have a 5 y.o. granddaughter who is amazing.

We were very lucky to have her for ten whole days at Christmas (she lives in St. Paul, "2 plane rides away"). My parents came through and this child had a Christmas that was totally out of control. On a pre-Santa visit to my folks, she comes running into the kitchen with a package that says her name from Santa. So now it's my fault because I didn't tell my mom she could read. In my defense, I told Mom to put the packages away so she wouldn't be confused.

I taught her air guitar, let her wear her favorite outfit for three straight days cause Nannies can do that (Ugg boots, black tights, and black "skinny" shirt). My son said she looked like a street walker. So then I took her upstairs, spiked her hair, taught her some more awesome air guitar moves, just cause I could.

And she was writing!! In her purple notebook with pink notebook paper, she asked me what I wanted her to write. I said how about the alphabet? She replied, "Upper case or lower case?" Blew my ass away. Then she sorta' got hung up around the "y" so I suggested singing the song. She asked what song? So, very off-key, I started singing the abc song. She informed me that was NOT a song and finished writing her letters, both uppercase and lowercase. She put me right in my place.

Long comment, but watching children at this age begin to process is amazing and scary. You and Jon are so very fortunate. And I do consider these young men I raised my sons and their biological mom and I have a very good relationship and have from day one. Though I don't understand why she didn't want to raise these two very handsome young men, I am so blessed to have met their dad and been accepted unconditionally by them.

Your post is my daily crack fix since I can't have coffee anymore. Even though I'm older, I relate for some reason, on so many levels.

And, for some reason, I'm starting to feel all liberal ....

God, I hate to burst your bubble. But just as you are chugging along, it's getting better, it's getting better just like the little engine that could. BAM ! Your kid turns 16- wants a license and talks about going to college. My son will be a senior this year and his cousin just left for college. As I think about these things the bile begins to rise in the back of my throat and I feel sick!!! You don't realize that when you have little ones and you think "oh that was the first time we did this together" That there will also be a LAST time you do that together.. Before you know it your baby is all grown up. Enjoy every minute !!

Sorry but I had to get that off my chest. I think you website is great. LOVE the pics, I look for them everyday !!!

Thank you. You may have been writing for me. My surprise pregnancy left me zombie depressed for the first few months, then in a tremendous state of denial, and now {11 days from delivery} inching back towards zombie land. I am counting on the idea that parenthood will be rewarding even if I never intended or wanted to experience it.

I am going to meet a little guy who gets to experience this amazing ride through life, first through me, then next to me, and finally in a Sunday phone call that I initiate while he is out there zooming through it on his own.

In the neutral moments {I have had litterally less than a minute of "excited"} I think it will all work out ok. In the zombie moments all I can do is apologize that I'm not interested/excited/happy.

Thank you for writing today, I needed to read what you had to say.

Thank you. That helps. My son is almost two. I had postpartum depression, but thanks to medication I am much better now, although sometimes with all the WHINING and the SCREAMING I feel like I want to jab my eardrums out with a pair of scissors. At times I get small glimpses into how great things can be in the future, but these times are usually punctuated with a lot of SCREAMING. It helps to read about what I have to look forward to.

Thanks - I really needed that.

Like so many others said, thanks for the reminders. I know that I love my 4-week-old, but I did not know how hard and complicated and not perfect motherhood would be.

I know exactly what you mean, it does get better. Throughout all of the 6 years I have been a mother, there were times when I would say it has to get better than this. The crying, tantrums, teething and no sleeping days bring you to tears at times, but yes, it does get better. My daughter will be 4 next month and our conversations are better than I have with most adults I encounter. As a matter of fact, all three of my kids carry great conversation skills.
I briefly went through post-partum depression after all of their births and let me tell you, you really question your abilities to be in charge of anyone, nonetheless a dependent baby. Also, for me, the ages of 3-4 with my children was so much worse than the "terrible 2's".

However, almost magically,there is one day that comes along where you look at your child or children and go, "Oh Shit, that's what it's all about!"

Thank you. Reminders like this are so important... One of mine is a beautiful picture of my 2 year old that I keep on my phone. He looks simply content and sweet and loved. I take it out and have a look when he's acting like the 2-Year-Old-Terror most parents have experienced. It's like counting to 10, but just replacing the numbers with his big, round eyes.

Remember, the journey is the reward.

Beautiful.

I understand what you are talking about..even though I'm not a parent. All my friends have young children under 10 years (the oldest is 8 and the youngest is roughly 3 1/2 months for being born). I always joke with them and say going to their house is instant birth control with all the sassying, crying and screaming. One friend lost her baby's father (soon-to-be husband) when her child was only a few months old. She says she doesn't have the mother gene and that she is afraid that her son will be damaged by the absence of his father. I have told her while it is a long hard road to raise her child by herself, she can do it and the child will be fine. Your story backed what I always said to her..even if you don't think you can do it, a true mother always will continue on. Leta is a lucky girl to have you as a mom :)

Kathie Lee Gifford, suck it!

Your blog is very inspirational. Thank you for always being honest and funny :)

We have a 5 year old. You understand. I love you!

Heather:

You are so beautiful to me!

Clare

I'm not a mother, so I haven't been through post partum depression, but reading this made my eyes well up with tears. I love to way you love your daughter and I admire your ability to be honest.

I think this is an important message to people who aren't parents, as well as those who are. Whatever you're going through, it'll be okay. We get through it when we have each other.

Thank you.

I've been trying to have a child for three years now, and your post struck me because so often, we baby-quest'ers get the idea that everyone else has it so much easier than us. I'm sorry you had such a tough time after Leta's birth. And I love how awesome you are as a mom now -- still keepin' it real (and hilarious), but with that mommy-love you once feared you wouldn't have.

I am in The Good Place right now but it took a year. I was also surprised because I went through so much crap and infertility and loss and did I mention crap in order to have him, and I thought that meant I would be deeply in love from the get go. I was decidedly not. But I am now. I am excited to be with him every day. Just in time to go back to work. Bleh.

Thank you for this gorgeous post. Seriously.
-Bri, your best friend in Brooklyn. Ha.

First just let me agree with everyone else about how lucky your little girl is. And how nice it is that you are appreciating all these stages of her life. I loved age four, and five, and six, and on up. I'm even appreciating them at 16 and 18. Each different stage brings such new steps for them and for us as parents. What an advocate you are. If someone was giving me a hard time, I would totally want you on my side.

That's the beauty of the medium, this writing on the web. Some women needed to read this today. They healing they receive from this post will give them a little hope, some courage to carry on. But months (or even years) from now, this post will still be here, living and breathing in the archives. And that mother--a mother who is perhaps just a teenager, now--will receive this same message and feel a smile return to her heart for the first time in months.

(Oh, and as much as love the new masthead, so bummed it doesn't say "Because of Napoleon's penis.")

thank you heather. i'm now crying at my desk.

beautiful.

It does get better and better.

I just sent my 21 year old to the liquor store because we are out of triple sec and we need it for the monster margaritas we are making at the beach next week. She drives, she is legal, and this is the pay back for cleaning up all those bodily fluids.

Thanks for sharing. I'm having so many of these wow moments with my 2 boys right now (in between all the crazy, please don't put that in your mouth moments) and I'm looking forward to these moments with my daughter who is just 4 months. I have been able to help so many women through PPD myself after struggling with my 2nd child badly and reading ALL of what you wrote through your struggle. Thanks. Keep up the amazing work!!

Been there, done that. You are on the money! It gets way, way better when you reach the day of not only not wanting to pinch your child's head off, but you actually look forward to the fun little moments.

Thank you for all that you do. I consider myself blessed that I have made it through the first 3 months with my daughter with no major breakdowns, something that I didn't believe possible; oh, how I worried I would be the type of mother to end up on the evening news. (thanks also to the scientists for bringing me Zoloft, my savior) I know the day may come when I think ~ I WILL NOT MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY, but I will remember your words and know that things do get better.

And when you reach the excruciating teen years, know that there will be a day when she's 22 when you will go to lunch, or on a trip to the beach and you will gab like best friends, share makeup and clothes, and she will once again think you are the smartest person she's ever known.

You are so fucking awesome

Wait, you post about lip gloss and don't disclose the brands...!!!? Please do share as I enjoy lip gloss almost as much as Leta.

Btw, I want to thank you for sharing that remarkable story of the girl in the window. I couldn't read it all at once and realize I could never be a detective because if I'd walked in on something like that with a gun at my disposal I'd have shot the mother dead on the spot.

How humanity can simultaneously suck so blindlingly heartbreakingly hard and also be so wonderfully generous and good will forever be a mystery. I will never understand it.

Hey Heather - sweet post, but what is it that formed your opinion of southerners as toothless cavemen with poor sanitation habits who eat food off the ground? think of the old southern aunt or granny - their houses are always impeccable. Thinking you've been gone from Memphis WAY too long to make those kinds of generalizations. I've seen worse hygeine habits in NYC many a time than I've ever seen her in the south where I'm a lifelong denizen.

As always...WELL SAID!

You know, I am 31, and so afraid of having a child, which I plan to do within 2 years with my wonderful fiance. I am scared that I will look at her/him and think, "What the fuck??" or, "Jesus Christ, what did I get into?"

But your blog gives me comfort. I am on Zoloft and am slowly weaning supplements into my diet so that when I am pregnant, maybe the transition won't be as difficult (I plan to nix pharmaceuticals altogether). I've had 3 miscarriages, and am afraid of the toll anti-depressants will have on me, yes, but mostly my baby in the long run.

Reading about your hardships, the strength Jon had to deal with your shit (wait- that's funny now, right?), and the strength you had to admit your faults and ask for help really made me believe I will be a good mother. I know in my heart I will, however, you of all people know how difficult it is to listen to your heart when your Crazy is telling you otherwise. I truly appreciate that you are forthcoming about the fact that you were NOT MATERNAL AT ALL at first but the beauty of life itself made you that way, because I fear I will not be maternal AT ALL but will also fail to subsequently appreciate life as it comes. I hope you realize by now that you give just as much, if not more, than you take. I would bless you if I weren't so damn agnostic.

Thank you for your words,

Micah

Such a timely post for me. My daughter is 11 now. I had her when I was 17, and have raised her on my own for all of her 11 years. And while I've always loved her madly, oh my god was it flipping hard sometimes. I used to think I was a 'bad mother' (dun-dun-DUN) because I wasn't in that place that I felt most mothers were in, where they spent every moment enjoying their children and their motherhood and every facet of that part of their existence. I loved my child, and we had fun together a whole hell of a lot of the time, but so much of the time I just felt so spent, so burnt out, frustrated, hopeless in parenting, terrified that every single thing I was doing was lining her up for another 5 years of therapy... And now, as she moves into her budding adolescence, while it certainly isn't easy, I've recently just felt so relieved. She's a fantastic little human being, she amazes me every day, and I see our years ahead of us spanning out into this beautiful relationship. Deluded, perhaps, as she is about to enter middle school and probably start telling me how much she hates me when I won't let her wear a trampy skirt out of the house. But I think we're good.
Thanks for your post, and all of them. I discovered your blog recently after hearing you on RadioWest and have been completely enthralled and entertained and inspired.
Rock on with your badass self mama.

I need to let you know that you wrote this post for me today. Right before I turned on the computer, I had just made the call to a therepist who is going to help me with my PPD. My baby is 9.5 months and things just haven't been getting better in my mind. I enjoy every last ounce of my baby.... just not any part of myself or my hubby. I really appreciate you writing this today. I only started reading you recently, but I have been hooked ever since. I am so glad I checked you today!!!

and after 18 years when you are finally used to having them around, they tear your heart out when they leave and go to college. Watching "my baby" load up his car was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Leta is almost exactly six months older than my little gal, and I hope six months from now we are having a day like that, because this week my daughter is trying to be a teenager -- surly, sullen, moody, and this morning she even attempted to give me the silent treatment and, I kid you not, she gave me shit about the clothes I was wearing. She turns four next week. God help me.

I am one of those mothers that needed to hear this today. Baby 1 is 2.5, baby 2 is 7 weeks. I've been feeling guilty for looking forward to their getting older, scolding myself for not being in the moment. And there *is* such sweetness in moments now, but it's a rollercoaster fueled by too little sleep. A thousand thanks.

You sound so complete as a family.

dear heather,

i read your blog even before i became a mother myself. your advice is bang on, and i pass it along to all my first-time-parent friends.

whatever that kid is doing--screaming all night, giggling through dinner, scampering around with a diaper on their head--it will come to an end.

endure the hair-raising stuff, and enjoy the good stuff while it lasts--they won't still be doing it when they're 18. you might even miss it someday.

thanks for honesty, and the fab pics of your adorable babe. i'll be back again tomorrow...

When does it get better? Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. Everyone said things get better after the terrible twos. Whoever said that either doesn't have my child or is on crack. My 3 1/2 year old son is very spirited and I think it has become more and more challenging the older he has gotten. He does the "but why" thing, too! So, if four the magic age? Is it me since I suffer from depression?

I know you know, but I sure wish someone could have told me this when I was having so much trouble. You're right on, it gets WAY better, and faster than it feels like it will. That's what got me, back in my bad days, that feeling like THIS WILL NEVER END. But it does, and when I look back, I can't help but think how fast it all flew by. And thank GOD it did.

rock on, heather b. armstrong. you are my hero.

oh, and have you had enough of the Clog talk? Your darling man is KILLING ME with his tweets. love it.

xo

b.

Oh do I know that feeling well. My son is almost 5 years old. And for the past 4 years and 316 days I've yearned for a time before I had my son - when I didn't have to deal with the constant WHY and YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

My son starts kindergarten on Sept 3rd. Now I'm a blubbering mess - I want my baby back.

Thanks for this beautiful post, Heather. I'm unexpectedly pregnant with baby #4, and my oldest is 3. (Yes, you read that correctly. Can anyone tell me how that happens? Evidently I don't know.) :) Anyway, the baby phase is also hardest for me as well, so this reminder is really beautiful and refreshing.

Have a great weekend!

Amen.

I had it hard the first year, and it's getting better, but I find myself agonizing over the decision to jump into the shark infested waters again for round 2.

Just... Amen...

I'm sure you won't see this since it is like 900th down, but it really does get better and sometimes it gets worse, but when they are grown it is all good for both of you even if she tells you that she says the f word and sleeps with her boyfriend.

This may help on some of those dark days and on the bright shiny ones, too.

You Are

I am your parent, you are my child.
I am your quiet place, you are my wild.
I am your calm face, you are my giggle.
I am your wait, you are my wiggle.
I am your finish line, you are my race.
I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace.
I am your lullaby, you are my peekaboo.
I am your good-night kiss, you are my I love you.

Author Unknown

Heather you are so right! You will not only make it but you will long to have another one which is confounding!

I am so thankful that you wrote this. I am a new mom to Sophia (3 months old) and there have been days I've honestly questioned if I'm going to make it. Reading this gives me hope. Thank you so much.

Heather,
As I sit here with tears in my eyes I wanted to Thank you, I have been in some of the same places in life and can relate, and I applaud you for taking the time to share this with others, and I know it will help at least one person who is feeling the way we have in the past. Love your website, TINA

Oh, how I wish you'd been able to write this two years ago. I know that feeling of excitement and anticipation, and I've felt it with my son since he was about nine months old. But before that? Living hell. I wish someone could have told me this then.

And you know what? It just keeps going.

My little sister (about 4 years younger than me) was also one of THOSE children. Stubborn, bull-headed, with huge temper tantrums, refusing to eat anything but chicken nuggets and applesauce, painting the couch with her poop.

I remember thinking that she would never make it, she would never eat normal foods, she would never be cooperative enough to do school or succeed. I think my mom was the only one who really believed in her whole-heartedly, even through the emo-goth phase where parents would express their concern because she didn't dress like a Christian.

Well you know what? That little stubborn blond-headed baby is packing up her things this month to move across the country and attend Yale University. To major in Music Cognition. She eats spinach salads, and her friends are lovely and well rounded, just like she is.

You'll make it. It gets better and better.

Thank you. As someone who is basically terrified to have kids but still sort of wants to do so, thank you.

Beautifully written Heather. I don't have children of my own but I have 8 nieces and nephews. I have moments with my sister's 4 girls that makes me feel more simplicity and joy than I ever have. It is in those moments that I get why people have children.

That is so true, and I think that is why I am enjoying my second child so much. I have a son who will be 7 very soon, and a ten-month-old daughter. His first year was hellish, but she is so calm and easygoing. I am trying to really take the time to enjoy every day with her, because I know she won't be a baby for too much longer. I enjoy the middle of the night feedings, where she and I cuddle, and am thankful that I have the opportunity to do that. I know that I won't have any more children, and I am trying to savor every moment.

Thank you.

I was fortunate enough not to have to deal with PPD or anything like that. The elated feeling you speak of did come naturally for me and I realize that I am so blessed for that. I also realize that there are many, many women who have a really unspeakably tough time after having a baby...and that they feel guilty for feeling unhappy, with leads to more unhappiness. I feel sad for them and am glad they have someone like you to read about...to know that it's not abnormal and that it will get better.

And now that my girls are 17 and 21 it's even more awesome. I miss those days of goopy lip gloss and deep questions, but everything's gotten even better

Woohoo!!! Can't wait! One year left to go!!!

This made my eyes sting with tears. Every mom that has made it to the other side gets this post. Not just "oh, yeah, I get it", but the "my core of my soul gets this". It's hard to admit for some moms that the first few months (ok, the first TWELVE whole months) are the toughest. You don't want to admit it during b/c someone will think oh, she's a shitty mom, why'd she have the kid in the first place?
I have a family member that had her first baby 3 months ago. She has emailed me quite often about how exhausted and drained she is, how sometimes she feels like she'd give her right arm for an hour of Her Time. I tell her, It gets better, I promise, it gets soooo much better. I think that's the best thing you can tell a new mom in the throes of newbornhood: IT GETS BETTER.

Not to sabotage the poignancy and truthfulness of your post (Amen, sister!), but as the mom of a 3 ½ year old spirited (read: high-energy meets stubborn) boy, I don’t have to worry about him stealing my lip-gloss.
Or so I thought. One day I found my brand new Philosophy lip gloss missing. We found it a few days later.....in the kitty litter box.

I have a 12 and 8 year old. I can't believe how the time has flown. I use to wonder how I would ever get through the sleepless nights,crying,puking and dirty diapers. Now that I am on the other side and my kids are not babies any more, I wonder where the time went. No matter how bad it is, cherish the time you have with your kids no matter what age they are. Time goes by so fast!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. A thousand times.

You're awesome for this. Just awesome.

I felt like a total freak when my daughter was born. I loved that baby SOO much, but hell if I could relate even a bit to her. The experience of being around a baby(or even responsible for) was so foreign to me, I felt so alone and wrong about not being a "natural". I was still happy and, luckily, very busy. But now that she's 2.5 years I'm just beside myself, brimming with love and joy that (like you say) just keeps growing. It is getting better. Every day.

Being a single mother of four, it has probably taken me a bit longer to "get there" (read: my oldest got married a few weeks ago and moved from our home in FL to CA, NOW I can see her as a grown-up.....maybe....) but your message is so completely right on and perfect. Keep up the good work- you are the one blogger who makes me laugh out loud.

I live with depression every day. I dream about a day when I can smile and talk to an acquaintance and it would not be a huge effort, a day when I can honestly talk to my husband and put into words what i feel, a day when I am a 100% there for my child. For now, it is nice to read about that day in someone else's life.

Heather,

I just want to echo all of the others who said THANK YOU.

Reading through your archives helped me a great deal after I had my twins last fall and suffered a truly ass-whupping case of PPD. I kept thinking how happy I was supposed to be (after years of infertility treatments) but how awful it was and how ill-suited I felt for this new job called Mom.

Today's post just reminds me that, yes, it will get better. And someday I'll be looking back from your vantage point and saying, YES, we did it. We actually did it!

Heather, it will continue to get even better. Wait until Leta starts telling you what you should wear and helping you with accessories.

My girls are 23 months apart and I honestly can't tell you much about the first two years of the second one's life. It's all just a never-ending haze of exhaustion and dirty diapers.

Now they're almost 8 and 10 and just the coolest women-in-training. They have passports and know how to use them. Heaven help me if they ever get their hands on my credit cards.

Wow. Are you spying on me? Thank you so much for saying this. I'm a single mom and by single I mean SING.GULL. No one comes home at night to save me. No one entertains her while I shower. No one cooks me dinner or treats me to a neck rub or foot rub or plays with my hair after I nearly rip it out. No one helps me get her ready for bed or hugs her fourteen times and tells her it's okay to go to sleep. And when she doesn't want to go to sleep and it's 11.30 p.m., I am the one who stands in the bathroom and stares in the mirror and says "It will get easier." And now I know I'm right.

And look, this is probably highly inappropriate, even insensitive which should be enough to make me put the brakes on typing it, but I'm going to anyway. Such is the premenstrual cow I am this morning. But all this looking back on these photos of Leta as a baby, and the sentimental/emotional posts are making me think that maybe you and the Big J have news...

Thanks for your post I just had a baby (it's our third) and I know what you mean. It made me cry because it does good better!

Very true, very right.

And then they turn five and start the whole I'm-running-away sequence and you think, SHIT, I thought I'd survived. But there's more. There's always more.

well, it does indeed get "better" and then worse, and then better again....
wait until teen years - mine is 17.
and if you decide to have more than one, they are each going to bring unique joys and different sorrows - your heart in their hands and they don't give a damn. buggers.
and if you are anything like me, you will sometimes wonder why, knowing yourself as you do, did you have them.
but ultimately, you look at the big picture and it makes sense.
some days.

..forgot to mention that i had a similar experience with depression -so there you have it.

I am SO, SO scared about what life would be like as a parent. I have depression, I have a mother whose mothering has instilled complete anti-confidence about how I could raise a child, and I worry every day about whether I would even find the right partner who could provide enough support to help me bring a kid into the world.

People need to know that it will be okay.

Thank you.

My two-year-old goddaughter is obsessed with chapstick and lip gloss. She calls a tube "Her Lips", and is constantly asking me if I want some "lips".

Holy crap! This is soooo ironic that I could just pee my pants! I just came home from a walk with my daughter and our little dog and read your post. When we were on our walk together, I listened to her rambling on about her day (she's three). Then it just hit me about how I had longed for this day when she was just a newborn three years ago and our sleepless nights of nonstop crying and me ready to have a nervous breakdown. I kept telling myself that there will be a day that we will have girl talks of barbies and lipsmackers and it will be all worth it and here we are!

I read your blog daily, usually in the morning, but not today. And I had an exceptionally rough day today. Thank you for writing this, because I needed it. Thank you.

Time flies and they grow up so fast. It seems like just yesterday my almost nine year old was four. You've got to enjoy the little moments while you can!

Very beautiful...

I so know what you mean. I look at my now 5 year old daughter and remember the days she wouldn't sleep through the night or the times she was throwing a temper tantrum and none of it made sense. Now, at 5, it's amazing how she's grown and how we've grown - together.

I have tried to begin this comment several times, and cannot say what I feel...it is so kind of you to share with others in the hope that you can help them...

on another note....was it Liberty Land in Memphis??? when you were a kid? My sons probably tripped over you there.

And this is why I'm so grateful to you for doing what you do. You're right (as I'm sending that baby I never thought I'd live through off to college) -- it gets so much better.

I feel like saying (screaming) that it's not fair. I've only managed to get pregnant once, and I miscarried. Now I'm 40 and i'm trying to literally give up this hope I've always had.

Thank you for this. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but this is awfully nice to hear.

So glad that Leta's bringing you smiles and wonder!

thank you. I needed this. beautiful.

i have a 3 month old so thank you for this. the exact words i needed to hear.

thank you.

I remember being so moved during a Desparate Housewives episode. (Hear me out on this one.) Lynette is admitting to taking her child's ADD medicine, and confesses she is a failure as a mother. Bree and Susan share with her that they struggled when their kids were younger. Lynette moans "We need to tell each other this stuff."

And we do. I remember loving my brand new daughter fiercely, and hating her just as much. She cried and cried and I couldn't stop it. And I was home by myself with her most of the time. It was the hardest thing I've faced in my life.

Eighteen months later, she's a different child. She's already showing so much of the person she will become. I love being with her.

I'm glad you've shared so openly. I know it will help others in the same boat.

Oh, and my daughter is already into the lip gloss thing. I posted about it earlier this week: http://oakbriarfarm.blogspot.com/2008/08/shine-on.html

I love these posts from you. While I don't have children, I do suffer from depression. Sometimes you get so bogged down in your own crap that you forget that things will get better someday. Thanks for the reminder.

One day about a year and a half ago while my then 10-month old daughter was napping, I took my laptop into a dark room in my house and googled "I hate motherhood." It was one of those moments/days. Instead of being smote dead, I discovered your site and it comforted and sustained me. Since then, and much aided by your writings, I have learned of my own issues with depression (postpartum and otherwise) and have gotten help, including medication. I'm not yet where I need to be, but the understanding I've gained has been invaluable. The depression was making me feel fearful and not at all like a decent mother. You are doing good work. You've got guts. Leta will undoubtedly feel proud of you and your endeavors here. She'll definitely punch her fist in the air.

You amaze me daily. Your strength and humor are an inspiration. I have been "there" too, and it does always get better. Thanks for opening eyes and allowing others to see into your world for one of your great moments in time.

Thanks!! I sooooo need to hear that. My 15 month old daughter is in a screeching stage that is getting to my husband and my last nerve. I do know that it will pass, but it is nice to be reminded.

I feel as if you knew just how badly I needed to hear that right now. I have 2 year old twins and a high needs 6 month old baby. There are times that I do not know how I will make it through the day. I love everything about my children, and I feel so blessed that they are here with me, safe and healthy. But that doesn't stop the sadness or especially the lonliness that sometimes goes along with motherhood. Hearing you having had the same experience and actually making it through to the other side is exactly what I needed to hear. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how bad, sad, lonely it feels, I will make it there. Thank you so much!!

Wow. That was a powerful thing to read. I was lucky and did not experience post partum depression with any of my three but I know, I just know, that you have helped many people with this post. Please keep sharing your thoughts, your voice, and your life with us.