Exclamation point, long overdue edition
To set the tone for this installment I think it's safe to assume that each one of these pieces of mail was written late at night a few minutes after the author had taken a shit in his adult diaper, and after he hit the SEND button he went merrily back to picking the lint out of his belly button and then feeding it to his fish.
First up, one from Kent:
I have no interest in popular things, and find that people who like popular things are lame. But I was so bored one day that I had no choice but to click over and read your website. I guess it wasn't that bad, but why do you think it is so interesting to balance things on your dog's head? It is not interesting. In fact, it's dumb. And stupid. I've never been so bored looking at a photo of a dog in my life.
So, if I'm reading that one correctly, Kent regularly urinates into a porcelain gravy bowl and then pours it into his coffee because it tastes like honey. And one day he got bored of braiding his underarm hair, stumbled across my website, and developed an opinion about whether or not it is officially interesting to balance objects on the head of a canine. I was not aware that it was necessary to have an opinion on that subject, and have somehow lived my life not knowing that I had to take sides. This makes me sad when I consider all those hours I could have spent staring angrily at photos of dogs with blenders on their heads, when instead I just turned off my computer and walked away.
This next one is from Alana:
I read about you letting your daughter eat her own hair. You must dissuade her from doing this. Why are you not stopping her? Oh, that's right, that would require actual parenting and stuff.
Oh wait, this is called parenting? Because when they sent me home from the hospital with a baby I thought they said, "Have fun partying!"
Reader Krista also had some interesting advice:
Leta has inherited a very large forehead from you. You shouldn't pull her hair back so far as it only accentuates the 5-head. Letting her hair down is far more flattering and might keep kids from picking on her about it when she gets older.
Do you think that when Krista masturbates she's lying there thinking about her organized collection of Waterford Crystal, how it sits perfectly in a glass cabinet in the foyer and she never lets her husband touch it? Because that makes me so hot just thinking about it.
Here's a thoughtful letter from a reader named Ashlee:
I went to your site today and I think it really stinx. Your really bad at writing. and being a good person. and u cant even teach you kid how to act like a normal person. And your really not civelized at all. Stop being a lazy ass women who takes up space and get a real job why dont u get a real job!!! your really gay. I can like smell ur stupidness from my own house and guess what! i live far away in cali. u dont even worship god. and pray and stop dissing mormons. and ppl who ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN THE RITE THING. CUZ YOUR GUNNA ROT IN HELL YOU STUPID,,,
luv ashlee NOT,,,,, cuz I dont luv you,, I HATE YOU and I want u to answer to this or else our a lame. pathetic pussy,
That collection of commas almost gave me a seizure, because I kept pausing, and then just when I thought it was time to stop pausing I had to pause again. I don't appreciate being teased like that.
Also do you get the feeling that while Ahslee was writing this email she was all, "THANK GOD for the wireless modem, because it makes it so easy to surf World Wide Internet Blog sites from the toilet I have been sitting on for two years."
This next one is from Agnes:
Condolences for your miscarriage might be in order if you didn't make a career out of thumbing your nose at God.
Thank you, Agnes, for proving once and for all that religious fanatics aren't total douchebags. And it's so true, if Jesus saw a pregnant woman who had fallen to the ground, he'd surely walk up and kick her in the stomach. I remember that teaching specifically.
A reader named Nomen writes:
What's amazing to me is that with all of your history of mental illness and your problems with parenting that you would even consider having another child.
What miracle will happen that will make a new child perfect enough for you not to hate it??
What miracle will happen that will make you a sane mother??
None.
Go have yourself another drink and double your prescription for birth control pills.
Oh, I forgot. You make money off of the kid you have.
That's a good reason for having another one, I suppose, if you're you and fucking insane.
Do the world a favor and don't bring a child into the world knowing it will be mentally ill and mentally handicapped as you are.
Well, this one seems a little harsh, doesn't it? And I know that many of you out there have identified with this website because of the struggles that I went through after Leta was born, and if someone said something like this to you it would infuriate you, and I can understand wanting to feel that way. And if anyone ever does say something like this to you here's what you need to remember: the person who wrote this email is no different than the old lady standing in line behind you at the supermarket, the one who smells like moth balls, and she's peering into your shopping cart trying to see what you're buying, and when she sees that you've got a frozen TV dinner in there she's making all sorts of judgments about you and assuming that in your free time you download porn. Using a stolen credit card.
And if you stick around to watch her pay for her food and walk to her car you'd see her muttering to herself under her breath the entire time, and almost all of those mutters would be punctuated with multiple exclamation points and question marks, and by the time she gets the keys out to unlock the door her orange nylons have pooled into doughnuts around her ankles. And you'd feel sorry for her knowing that she's going home to an empty house and will probably fall asleep watching an episode of "Deal or No Deal." And you'd kind of just want to give her a hug.
Next up, one from someone who calls himself sb700:
I think you are the autistic one in your family!!!
Translation: "My mom grounded me and won't let me play Wii!!!" And he's down there in his basement bedroom in his "DON'T HASSEL THE HOFF" tee shirt wiping the goo from a zit on his pillow. Because no one is there to notice.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
301. Sara said:
Oh dear Lord I am going to die from laughing. But not at the pathetic jackasses that take time from their *obviously* busy and fulfilling lives to hurl insults at a total stranger. No, I am laughing b/c in spite of their nastiness, you find humor, and the "old lady"? Brought tears to my eyes. People can be so damn awful, but it takes a good person to see through the ugliness to how miserable they really are. And want to give them hugs.
And isn't the point of Christianity peace and love?! Apparently Agnes hasn't been reading her Bible lately...or ever. Jeez. I'm not sure if I should be infuriated for you, want to kick her ass for you, or just be really sad for her.
And do they not teach appropriate comma usage in school anymore? Or English?
Anyway, Leta is gorgeous (duh), long live the daily "what did they manage to balance on his head today?", and congratulations on your well-deserved awards in Austin (sorry about the weather, BTW). :)
302. Steve said:
It's nothing but "Jealousy", pure and simple. Keep up the good work.
Nice one.
303. Susan said:
The ignorance out there never ceases to amaze me. Keep up your sense of humor. I do think the Ashlee is a troll just hoping you'll publish it.
304. Cindy Pille said:
You bring so much joy to the world it's a shame that all people can't dig it.
305. Meegan said:
From one owner of a 5-head to another, you're gorgeous. And so is Leta.
I appreciate each and every post that addresses depression and mental illness. Being bipolar and having suffered from ppd, I sure hope baby #2, due this summer, is as "mentally handicapped" as douchebag, excuse me, Nomen claims you are. If I could BE so lucky!
306. Stimey said:
I like your hate mail posts because it's interesting to see all the loonies out there who care enough to write in to berate you. But this post actually brought me out of lurkdom because of your hypothetical about the lady with the words of wisdom about mental illness.
You're right. A lot of these people are just angry and/or sad about their own lives. I'm going to try to remember that for the crazies I run into. It won't make me like them anymore than before. And it probably won't make me want to give them hugs. But it may reduce my reciprocal anger.
You're a cool chick. Kudos.
307. Bethany said:
You know every single one of those skeezebags has a "God's Way or the Highway" bumper sticker. And a cross hanging from their rear view mirror.
YOU KNOW IT.
I love your work like a fat man be lovin' his cake.
308. DeeBee said:
Your comebacks to all those rude, weird people allow me to feel much calmer when reading their comments. I can't believe people have to be so rude instead of just keeping it to themselves. I especially love your comment to the "religious" person. So many of the religious fanatics are the first to criticize and judge!
I love your blog, it's great!
309. Jennifer said:
Mean people suck!
310. Recovering Utahn said:
By the way, mean people do suck. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
I think Chuck needs a jock strap.............
311. Stephanie said:
I've been reading your blog for awhile now but never commented. All I can say is you and your family are good people! Fuck all them assholes who write that shit to you! Keep on blogging.....you make people smile :o)
312. Laney said:
Heather,
I'm sorry. That miscarriage one was particulary harsh and just mean. Who says things like that?
I love your blog and Leta is blessed to have a quirky, noodly appendaged mother like you! :-)
313. Vicki said:
You rock. I love your humour, wisdom and unique perspective.
314. Audrey said:
People are insane. Why do they waste their time fi they are so angry!!,,,!,!! with you? I suppose that'd be there the sense comes in. Sense that you certainly have and these folks really do not. I think my favorite line is from Ashlee, "Your really bad at writing." Mistaking "your" and "you're" is just stupidity. Truly you're one of the best writers out there, which I'm sure you know by now. Anyway, thanks for sharing. These people do make me giggle.
315. Walter Bean said:
There are days when you are the only ray of sunshine I see.
I'm glad you have enough courage to share all the things that you do. I'm sad that people want to take a big steamy poop on it.
I think you should poop on them.
316. Annie said:
Silly and sad words from people who don't have the guts to do what you do on a daily basis.
317. Lisa said:
I just found your blog recently--it's really sick that people can you send you that trash. There needs to be a program that reads the email and deletes it (or puts it in a 'whack job' file for those!
I think you and your family are lovely!
318. Danigirl said:
Wow. The time spent typing most of the horrid criticism of you by all these folks could be better spent actually learning something....like the English language and correct punctuation. But that would be a silly idea, considering most only know abbreviations and crap they see on TV. God forbid they take a second to really read the things you put out there for the world to see. John rocks, Leta's forehead is B E A utiful, and if those dogs got any cuter, I think I'd have an aneurysm. For real.
Love always,
A very avid reader, Dani, in New York.
319. ~B~ said:
If God was such a huge part these peoples lives, they would not even consider making such hateful comments. My sister is bi-polar and she just had a baby. She was diagnosed as being bi-polar only a year ago and now has the added stress of raising a baby at 19 without the father. This is just to let you know how much your blog is TRULY appreciated. Plus, your sense of humor is awesome!! Thanks for sharing your life with us!
320. chris said:
I don't usually comment to you, but I have to in light of the crap people are dumping. I have raised three girls (26 to 21, and two of them live in SLC). You & Jon are doing fine with Leta. Parents never know that, and they never believe it even when they are told. You have to do what you think is right, and f*** the rest of us. You're doing that. Good on you!
321. Jill S. said:
You never fail to make my day.
322. Erin said:
Annnnnd the Balls O’ Steel award goes to . . . Heather Armstrong
Love it, love it, love it!
323. nickle said:
You make me laugh so hard I cry. In a good way. Keep it up.
324. Holly said:
Holy crap. If I got the emails you get, I would be crying on a daily basis. Or maybe I would just be pissed off all the time. I think it is great that you are able to take these craaaazy emails and turn them into fun blog fodder.
325. jenn said:
Dear Dooce,Blurbo,Leta,Chuck and Coco
You Rock!!! ~J
Kent~ I will be much more careful with my time on the web. I didn't realize Dooce had the ability to REACH THROUGH THE INTERNET AND HOLD A GUN TO MY HEAD giving me no choice but to click her website. Prick.
Alana~ OMG I think your children might be making a noise in their perfect room. Hurry, go check on them, make them stop. You perfect parent you.
Krista~ Your a bitch. WTF. Did anyone ask you to give your critique on all female toddlers around the world? What your idea of beautiful is jacked. Go back to painting you nails and plucking your belly button hairs.
Ashli~ may, Godd, smil, onu, 2, day, i, pra, we, al, b, ga, pussays.
Agnes~ Your the worst. Ever think of the parents who are "blessed" with children and beat the shit out of them? Your reasoning is infantile. Shut up.
SB700~ ???????????????
326. Therese said:
I'm amazed at how harsh and judgmental people can be to a complete stranger who has the courage to be candid with her life in hopes of helping others cope.
Because in my opinion, that's the heart of what you do, Heather. You're a great writer, and you love writing, which is why you choose this medium instead of, say, a talk show, but that is the essence of your blog, to me. I'm sure you enjoy the added benefit of being able to have a look at your life for years to come. And work from home, naked.
Anyway, I admire your ability to laugh at these kinds of emails. I don't know if I could be as resilient. I realize your blog is public, but this is ridiculous. Where's the human compassion? It's not like you went to their house and pissed in their coffee. Yet.
327. Dabroo said:
Why do people choose to say such negative things about your blog? Your response was hilarious to me but if it were my blog I wouldn't grace their comments with a reply (But here I am commenting on your response to their comments! This snowball just grows and grows.)
Perhaps they're just hoping that their rant will solicit a reply from you; lonely people hoping someone will notice them. Personally, I enjoy watching balancing acts involving inanimate objects and household pets. I look forward to seeing more of this sort of thing!
328. rahree said:
i love your responses to reader comments - boy do I wish I could think of great retorts like those! I don't suppose you'd let me carry you around in my pocket for those times when a pithy comment and an extended middle finger is required, and all I can think of on my own is, "Yeah? Well, bite me." If you ever give a seminar, I'm totally signing up. Twice.
You're the best! Love yer stuff.
329. Joanna said:
Why oh why must these people read your blog? And in god's name, why must they write you? I know, I know, a psychiatrist could easily explain it to me and even put a name to their disorder. But really! I know by now your skin must be mighty thick, but even if an iota of their venom ever got through, I'd feel sick about it. You make a crapload of people laugh and feel fabulous. I wish sad miserable people would just keep it to themselves.
Nice to know there are so many "good Christians" out there lookin' out fer god.
oi.
330. Charm said:
I was thinking just the other day that it had been a while since we'd seen Heathers hate mail... this was a great collection of them! they do seem quite harsh this time though... i dont understand how people can be so nasty to a woman they've never met.
Some one above me here mentioned Heather replying to email... i know she does because I'm eternally jealous of a good friend of mine due to the fact she had an email conversation with Heather last year.
Anyway, i'm going to go back to putting things on my cat, taking my meds and drinking cider.
Thank you Heather for continueing to post. I'd be lost without your input to the internet!
331. badgervan said:
Takes all kinds, don't it? Witness our Prez and Congress... large numbers of dolts actually voted ( twice! ) for this crew.
Keep up your beautiful writing... it gives so many of us something original, human, and usually funny to read every day.
Oh, yeah.... I love Chuck, and his special talent.
Never let the nuts and the jealous get you down
332. Dizzy Lizzy said:
you inspire...many feelings in such diverse people...but it doesn't matter what they feel...the point is they are feeling it.
Great job!!!!!
333. Sherri said:
Seriously?
Wow.
Just. Wow.
334. maggie. said:
Jeez, these are harsh. I cant say I agree with everything you do (and I am sure if I had a blog you would not agree with everything I do) and I have voiced my opinion before but man, this stuff is over the top and actually really mean. Of course, you certainly give as good as you get! You have written some zingers back today!
335. Stu Mark said:
"Kent regularly urinates into a porcelain gravy bowl and then pours it into his coffee because it tastes like honey. And one day he got bored of braiding his underarm hair, stumbled across my website, and developed an opinion about whether or not it is officially interesting to balance objects on the head of a canine."
This is just brilliant writing. Were you at all influenced by The Velvet Underground, because I can sincerely here John Cale reciting the above.
I know that I and my wife are just two of the many voices who praise your craft, but I'm gonna say it anyway - you make us howl, just about as often as you make us think, and just about as often as you make us tear up (my wife and I look forward to your letters to Leta each and every month).
Please, keep going. You are a sincere contribution to society and you should know it, on the inside. We hope you do.
336. Angella said:
These posts MAKE MY DAY.
Only because Trolls are awful, and horrible, and make me all shaky with rage when they happen to me.
You, however, have a knack of turning it back on them. And providing entertainment to the rest of us.
Kudos!
337. Sara said:
Wow. I've only been reading your site for a few weeks (I'm still flipping through the archives when I need a laugh) and I still can't believe the stuff some people say to you. I think if I told a perfect stranger things like that, my mom would come back from the dead specifically to bitch slap me.
/Nothing but love here.
338. Phoenix said:
So you think one day you'll be able to put a blender on Chuck's head? That would be awesome.
I'm glad you did this again, I've been waiting for one. They really foster my faith in humanity. ;)
ps. I adore Coco. I have a big Aussie and now I'm thinking I need a mini too. Mines nuts though, just like Coco, but a 60 pound brute kind of crazy.
339. Natalie said:
O M G,,,,,,
your such a bad writer i bet,,, u don't even know that when your saying you are its you're,,,, not your. pussy. ..,!!!
340. Anonymous said:
I never write comments but I just want to add another number to the YAY YOU side.
341. Matt said:
I have been reading your blog for years now. Someone at my office turned me on to it and we have bonded over it for a long time now. I think you're hysterical and you've made me want a child of my own even more. I'm glad that you can let this hate mail roll off your back and laugh at it. The illiteracy alone is hysterical.
-matt
342. Tamara said:
Who could possibly hate the woman who shared the Asian men with rubber bands on their faces game show? I literally laughed so hard I cried and then watched it again.
I love this site and I love that you are honest about being a parent. That kind of honesty is what all parents need. Parenting has some rough moments, its damn hard work and I have found that a sense of humor is all that keeps me sane some days. Reading this site makes me laugh out loud. Thank you!
343. Rachel said:
Dear Dooce,
I can't believe people would say such horrible things to you. The internet really scares me sometimes. But think on the bright side: the best writing is the kind that draws blood. And that can make people a little excited and say really stupid things.
Occasionally I get really OBNOXIOUS comments on my blog too, though nothing as bad as the ones you got. Usually, people say something along the lines of: "I heard Rio de Janeiro is a war zone where men armed to the teeth shoot tourists down in the streets. Is Rio safe for Americans?"
To which I respond something like this. http://riogringa.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/03/oh-no-you-didnt.html
The point being, there are a LOT of stupid people out there. It's best to point this out to them and then go about your day, because there's nothing else you can do.
I'm sorry people said such terrible things, though. I hope karma comes around and gives each and every one of them a huge kick in the ass.
Love, Rio Gringa
344. Robyn said:
Late to this party, I know, but my sentiments echo the 259 commenters who got here first. Please may I volunteer my services to assist with the selection of a committee of dooce supporters charged with tracking down the 'exclamation pointers' and reinstalling their grammar software? Maybe that will prevent the corruption of their Humanity hard drives and cut down on the gratuitous, stupid emails. That three comma error (the Ashlee effect) is a new one to me however.
But then, we'd be without the great laughs that come from reading your gracious and restrained responses. Carry on carrying on, Heather. You and your family are the cat's pyjamas (and we all know how Chuck and Coco feel about that).
345. Clara said:
I've been wondering when this long overdue edition would come. The hate mail in the last edition didn't sound SO nasty (not as bad as this one if I recall correctly) and I thought people had calmed down. Ha, guess I was wrong.
346. Sarah said:
Bwah! I mean, seriously, these people are INSANE! And not in a "wow, your life is really a lot better with the appropriate pharmaceuticals" way but in a "You are a hopeless waste of carbon" way.
Thank you for being consistently hilarious and for providing us with these lovely nuggets of comedy gold.
347. Kim Langston said:
Why do mean people have internet access? That is just miserable to receive those negative comments. I find your blog entertaining, insightful, and just plain fun. I wish you would post two pictures a day of Chuck. Granted I bitch and moan about injustice and crappy customer service just as much as the next person but I wouldn't go out of my way to lecture and be hateful to someone for having their opinion and just being honest about life. Okay maybe you are a little mean to Chuck teasing him with multiple treats around... but then again, I don't get the see the before and after. And while it may be a little mean, it is awfully entertaining. So thank you and thank Chuck as well as the rest of your family!
348. Erynne said:
I save copies of Chuckles on my computer because he makes me happy in my heart to see things on top of his head. I always think of Monty Python's club of people who put things on top of other things. Many's the time when I have been having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day and I would pull up a picture of Chuck, and immediately begin to feel better. Because Chuck has stuff on his head. Or is wearing a tutu. And you're all right, too, I GUESS. :) Those mean sluts can suck it.
349. Moda di Magno said:
Dear God, are stupid people still hassling you? I'm glad you are able to use their issues to make us laugh. I can't believe the mean things people write (to people who aren't George Bush.)
Be happy - you and Jon and Leta (and the creatures) have way more support out there than mean, stupid, jerky people have idiotic words.
You = Lifetime Achievement Award
Them = Stuck to toilet
350. Lisa said:
You are so hilarious and wonderful. Please don't let them get you down. You make the world a much funnier place! My friends and I laugh together reading your words so please keep it coming!
351. Jen said:
I can't believe people waste their time on sites that they don't care for, read them, and then send angry emails to the authors. I've read/started many bad books in my life but I don't feel the need to write to the authors telling them that they wasted my time and they suck. That would just be a BIGGER waste of my time. I really don't get it.
I admire you. You turned a crappy situation into an income for your family. It is apparent if anyone reads ALL of your posts that you love Leta till the end of the earth (especially those wonderful monthly newsletters). And you have been so open about the most personal of issues. I'm amazed by you and your honesty and humor.
I hope you don't take any of this crap personally. I know it must feel really awful to receive emails like these...hopefully you can truly laugh at them all.
Jen
352. krissykristan said:
Kent: Allergic to milk
Nomen: Allergic to peanuts, wets his pants often
Krista: Does not play well with others (calls them names)
Alana: Allergic to hair (please shave her during nap time)
sb700: Eats paste, sand, and classmates' navel lint
Ashlee: Dumb
----
HEATHER ARMSTRONG: MAY HAVE ALL THE PRINCESS SNACKS SHE WANTS
----
P.S. My husband received a Rothko calendar this year, so we did not order Chucklesworth 2008, and it's just not the same in our kitchen now. If my husband doesn't give me Chuck n' Coco 2009 next year, I think our marriage is over.
353. Sheila said:
You are amazing, sorry people are so twisted and rude.
I had a hard time as well after my daughter was born, but want to encourage you to have more kids if you choose. I had a perfect preganancy with my son and no depression at all, every pregnancy really is different. We are diligently working on trying to balance treats on our 5 month old Lab, we have a long way to go, thanks for the laughs, you're excellent and Leta is beautiful!!
354. Anonymous said:
Your pics are great! Don't change a thing. Fuck the haters. They wish their lives where half as full as yours.
355. Tracy said:
Wow. Leta has a fivehead? That's so cool! I have a sixhead, and somehow I have become a productive member of society. In spite of my shameful sixhead. You know what scares me? It's that these people might think they are actually witty..or God forbid, RIGHT about the hate they spew.
I'm going to go beat my head into the wall for awhile now.
356. SG said:
For the love of all things good, someone must find the poor souls who are chained to their monitors and FORCED to read your writing against their will and free them! Whoever is holding them hostage surely must be kicking puppies too.
I love the exclamation point editions.
357. Suebob said:
FIRST I must defend muttering old ladies who live by themselves - we are not so very bad. Despite our tendency to make fun of other people's groceries. You should come visit me and my 83 cats, and we will endeavor to show you that we are perfectly lovely.
SECOND I completely concur with the asshat about children. Only absolutely perfect people should ever, ever have children. That would solve A LOT of parenting problems, doncha think?
358. Rachel said:
those emails were terrible! but i thought i'd let you know that we're not all lunatics. i'm very religious (jewish) and i love you and think you're hilarious! i read your blog every day and am so inspired by you because i also have serious depression and will be on meds the rest of my life (holla!) this is my first time posting but i wanted to say that i think you're great (as do TONS of other people) and that the few who don't can suck it. (i mean that lovingly of course. turn the other cheek and whatnot.)
:)
359. Janine said:
Oh my lord. I can't believe how HATEFUL some of the comments are!!
To Agnes--God also likes you love thy neighbor. Rubbing someone's nose in their miscarriage is a great way to do that. And because you probably couldn't tell, that last sentence was dripping in sarcasm.
Comments like nomen's make me wonder what happened to people like that to make them so mean and judgmental. :(
360. Rosemary said:
Wow. The one from "Nomen" really dug into me also. It's funny that you talk about this person like the "old lady at the supermarket", as I picture a similar person.
Short story. A family got evicted from my apartment building yesterday. All their belongings were set outside, as I assumed they were rushing to find a moving van or something for themselves. Meanwhile, all the worthless vultures that are unfortunately the rest of humanity go picking through all their things. An old woman saw me walking with my son and suggested that I pick up some toys for him. She suggested I give my son toys that were loved, and belonged to a child only hours ago!
361. Allie said:
I'm sorry people say such mean things to you. That stuff would get to me even if I tried to laugh it off. I read you everyday, and I don't think you're a bad parent at all. I guess people feel really big from behind their computers with anonominity to protect them.
362. BettyJ said:
I love your blogs and daily's (photo/chuck/style). I, too, have read many of your archives. Humor is sometimes the only way to get through a day.
You don't need me to tell you what a great writer, mother and wife you are, but dog-gone-it, consider yourself told!
363. Jenn H said:
Wow, I have to say, this was one hateful batch of hatemail and your replies were quite à propos. Good work and please DO keep balancing stuff on Chuck's head. You obviously have a rather large audience that relishes in the simple joy of it (myself included!)
364. Pammer said:
*golf claps and whistles*
And masturbating to Waterford crystal? Fucking priceless.
365. Zreekee said:
The big forehead one was my favorite.
So "well meaning" for the social health of Leta...and yet so mean.
I bet she thinks she's clever.
lol loved all your description of the people!
And I for one have never thought anything like those ignorant, terrible people.
366. Mars said:
I heart you Heather and all those douchebags should kiss your skinny fanny
367. jenB said:
Honestly, I think you should let Jon cull these fuckers out of your email, but that said,,,,,,,,,,,,,, you ARE gay!
368. Renee said:
Wow, there are some stupid, cruel people out there. I came across your blog some months ago, and I've been addicted ever since. Sometimes I check it several times a day. I hope someday I can meet you (book signing?) and say OMG U R THE MOST AWESOMEST PERSON EVAH!
Thank you especially for the letters to Leta--they warm my heart and fill me with giggles. I hope I can document my future daughter's childhood just as beautifully.
369. Alison said:
Hey, I just looked up at the TV; my guy turned on teh basketball, and guess who's playing? BYU! Close game.
So, um, yeah. Fortitude might be a good word to associate with your name here. Brava, indeed. I'd be crying into my bourbon.
370. Sheila said:
I'm pretty sure that Agnes is the devil. I'm all for free speech and the 1st amendment and all that, but seriously, that kind of poison should be against the law, couldn't she be prosecuted for a hate crime? I don't guess you have any pull with the politicians in your area? Ugh.
371. Miss Hass said:
There are a whole lot of stupid people in the world. I'm glad you write because it brings the universe back into balance.
372. Mommy Cracked said:
Don't you sometimes wish people would tell you how they *really* feel?
373. Henry 5's mom said:
My 4 month old son was in the hospital for heart surgery 3 weeks ago. While we were there 2 babies died after being beaten and another had bore hole drilled into his head to relieve the pressure after a babysitter caused 'blunt force trauma.' There is no way you should be on anyone's bad parent list. Leta is a healthy, imaginative, active little girl who is obviously loved and cared for.
Ugh! I can't believe that anyone could say such awful things to you.
I've been a reader for over 3 years. I click on my dooce feed several times a day (since I just breastfeed all day).
thanks for the laughs
374. lusses naturae said:
Heather,
I just have to chime in and say that I am TOTALLY GRATEFUL for your blog -- all of it: your raw honesty about the times that parenting and mental health and marriage can be difficult and all of your fabulous writing about how blessed you feel that parenting and mental health and marriage not only do not always suck but are often the most incredible gifts; your wonderful photos, even the way you print this venom and illustrate how one deals with it gracefully. I look forward to reading your work every day, and am always excited when I see there's a new post or photo. You're awesome. Please keep doing what you're doing. I'd realaly miss what you do here if you quit.
375. maryland said:
Those responses are all horrible, cruel, stupid, ugly. Really it's a toss up, but I think Agnes's is the worst, because she's so deluded and yet so arrogant.
I'm no preacher, but if Agnes were asking me, I'd tell her she ought to not only ask for your forgiveness, but she needs to ask God for forgiveness, too.
Because hello? Saying something like that to someone you don't know who lost a child? That's sure not righteousness, my dear. Nothing like it. That's more like vanity and smug self-admiration in the Lord's name. Which is apparently your own special way of thumbing your nose at Him.
If you really think of yourself as a Christian, Agnes, you truly ought to be ashamed. You ought to do better.
376. Sharon said:
Are there some nutters out there or what? Keep up the good work - you say what a lot of are privately thinking but don't have the nerve (or the eloquency) to say out loud!
377. Becca said:
Why do you even bother to read the hate mail? It obviously gets to you, or you wouldn't make such a huge deal out of it. You wouldn't spend all this time coming up with responses and posting them on your site. It used to be kinda funny, but now reading people's insults and your return insults has gotten old.
Why don't you just delete the hate mail as soon as you sense its negative tone? It'd save yourself a lot of time and a lot of hurt feelings, it seems.
378. Kayla said:
HOLY BALLS!!!! This is the most HILARIOUS entry I read. These people that write you are so sadly retarded that it kills me.
PS, I have to quibble with you on one point. Krista does not masturbate and that is her whole problem
K
www.100daysinbed.blogspot.com
379. alikatze said:
Dear Dooce:
I've been studying my forehead in the mirror all evening. I've also decided to go "nuke a gay baby whale for christ." Thank you so much; you're a horrible influence. :)
<3
alikatze.
380. Chelle said:
From one Mormon-Expatriate to another: You rock, H~ !
381. Steve said:
Wow, kudos for your introspective look at brains crushed by overwhelming stupidity. Keep on truckin' kid.
Pause.
Love the comma!
382. Krissa said:
Of course, we all know that the larger the 4-head, the larger the brain, anyhow.
You're the best! Keep it up!
383. Anonymous said:
Holy Moly Heather. You must have the thickest skin ever. I used to work in retail and I think I have waited on all the same people that wrote those emails. I'm sending you only love now! p.s. I Love Chuck (and Leta, Jon, and Coco)
384. Liza said:
It always makes me wonder why is it that people who clearly don't give a s*it and don't read a blog find their imperative to leave a mean message... You are crazy in the way normal people are. I find it reassuring that you are down-to-earth and don't make a fuss about your daughter chewing on her hair. She will stop.
My mum has a history of mental illness. I have a large forehead, and she let me not to have a fringe. She let me fall, and didn't scream when I stubbed a toe. I had scratches and broken bones, but so what! I was the coolest kid with my cast!
Anyway, people should stop critisising other's parenting. Have a child yourself, and you can do it your way.
385. Desiree said:
You have made me smile for going on 5 years now!
As a response to all the assholes you should do a family photo--make sure Leta's hair is pulled back...waaay back, Chuck must be balancing something obsurd on his head, Coco taking a crap, John standing in the corner just bobbing his head and you...laughing like a giddy 14-year old boy as you stare at your bank statements--laughing all the way to the bank for the success and fame your honest writing has brought you! Remember --"Lemons to Lemonade".
Dooce on girl...dooce on!
386. alntv said:
I think your stuff is hysterical and I certainly appreciate it! Keep up the great work! :-)
387. Alison said:
On this one, I had to comment. Bless you for having to receive that crap in your inbox, and also bless your heart for the sense of humor you have in dealing with it. I've been reading you for years now and have learned a great deal from your struggles and your honesty. I've also had loads of laughter, thank you for that, and have enjoyed your photos immensely. Okay, no one's perfect, but then I don't recall ever reading that you said you are. If I ever met you, I'd simply say, "Well done."
388. andrea said:
I commend you for the way you've handled these emails. It would probably take everything in me not to hunt these people down and give them a good ass beating. Your site = your opinion. If people don't like it they don't have to read it. Thank you for opening up your life and your thoughts to us. It takes balls to put yourself out there like that. I think your sense of humor is amazing and I love coming here in my free time. I wish you much success- screw the 'haters'.
389. Kate's Mom said:
Wow. Those comments are wild. Crazy--bad. It's good that you can laugh it off.
Thinking of you today. I was with my daughter at a Starbucks having a heck of a time trying to decide which side of the telescopic straw to stick in to the extra large foil spot on the Horizon Organic Chocolate Milk carton. Honestly-- my 6 year old and I were looking at the straw and the carton for while. Then we looked up at each other for a minute shrugged and finally she gave it a shot. I think she put it in the wrong way-she couldn't get all of the milk out. Just wanted to share. Have a nice night!
390. 'Becca said:
I have to admit, I love when you do the e-mail round-ups. Because they invariably come on a day when I'm sitting here thinking, "You know, maybe I'm a little too hard on humanity." Then you post, and as it turns out, I don't hate people ENOUGH.
Imagine the uproar when you start balancing things on Leta and Jon's heads and taking pictures. It's like your own personal Hindenberg broadcast.
391. Anonymous said:
I adore reading you. I especially crack up about the Mormon comments and understand them(ex-mormon here)
392. Shalini said:
I wish I could kick all these idiots for you!
I can't believe that Agnes or the rest of them are even human.
We love you Dooce! (platonically, of course)
393. Shaun said:
I think you are the most sane person in Salt Lake. I can say that since I was also one of the sane ones but we moved to South Carolina. Keep doing what you do. I think you are awesome and no, Leta's forehead is just perfect.
Shaun
www.roomswithaview.typepad.com
394. Stellare said:
Hilarious! Priceless comments to mindless emails.
395. Jen said:
Holy hell, if I received even one of of those I'd be curled up in ball crying my eyes out in the corner. Of course no one needs to tell you (but I'm going to anyway) that Leta is beautiful and you are doing a damn good job partying, er, parenting. I mean you have to be completely detached from your child to not know that babies are adorable until the hit the terrible two's which morf into the more terrible three's which evolve into the mother of them all - the f'ing four's. And then God help us all.
396. Alyson said:
I'm not gonna to lie, those pictures of your dog with treats all over him might be the only good thing that has happened to me in the past 72 hours of non-stop finals studying.
Everything about your aesthetic is perfection. Though I am only twenty, there is something about seeing your life that makes me look forward to a sense of domesticity that is anything but what my mother prescribes for me. Good style, a couple dogs, and a real relationship with my life where I am not afraid of looking at every moment like it is the cause for amazement. AND not to mention a great sense of sarcasm.
397. Heathyr said:
Well, that Agnes... what a good Christian!
Whore.
398. Jennifer said:
Wow! The love emanating from those letters is so amazing. Makes me so proud to a be a human being.
That's the great thing about delete buttons. When someone is being an ass, you can just hit the little X and they go away. Although maybe they should make it a boxing glove. Then I could imagine punching the douche bags and spammers in the nose. All the while screaming, "Here's what you can do with your increased penis size!"
399. Courtney said:
Your hate mail is hilarious! I love it when you share, and I think it's great that you can laugh at it as well as the rest of us do. I know that what you do everyday, in fact, a "real job." My guess is that Ashlee doesn't work half as hard as you every day.
You rock.
400. celtcwrtr said:
no wonder you usually keep comments turned off.
401. Allison said:
I wish you would be meaner to them!!! I know you could be! Put up their email address or something! :)
Keep writing and making us laugh!
402. Chelsea said:
Like omg HEather,,,,, I can't belev u haf to read through all,,, that garbage everyday@%!@,,,!!!
Those people are so pathetic. I particularly love the '5 head' email.. Leta does so NOT have a 5-head. She's gorgeous and you are an EXCELLENT mother. Every month when I read your newsletter to her I cry my eyes out, and your ability to make people laugh, cry, and be 'interested in objects balancing on a dogs head' is why we keep coming back! xx
403. Annie said:
The autistic comment made me chuckle. Kind of rude, though.
404. LizHoney said:
I invented an account just to tell you how much I love you.
405. Festi said:
Agnes - It's the Easter season, fcol. Show some compassion. You know, that whole "greatest commandment" thingy?
406. Jenna said:
We love you Heather,
Oh yes we dooooo(ce)!
We love you Heather,
And we'll be true!
When you don't write blogs,
We're BLUUUUUUUUEEEE!
Oh Heather, (and Leta and Jon and Chuck and Coco)
We love yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!
The End
407. Nancy R said:
***Patiently waiting for the day Chuck balances Coco on his head.***
408. Alice Q. Foodie said:
This really just serves to prove how lucky and good you are. Only the most successful bloggers can can engender such irrational self-righteous displays of envy and insanity. Congratulations!
409. Nicole said:
You can bring a smile to my face on the worst of days.
410. Glori said:
It's shocking what people will say when they think they can hide behind a computer screen. People who behave like that aren't even worth the attention, they are just sad.
I for one (of apparently many) enjoy reading your blog every single day - it always makes me smile and laugh. I know 1,000 people have already said this, but you rock!
411. Kylie said:
How on earth you manage to keep calm in the face of so many unwarranted, nasty and downright INSANE emails is a freakin' miracle!
The fact that you handle situations such as these with the grace that you do, speaks volumes about your character. You totally rock.
Oh, and please DO NOT EVER stop writing - you make me smile on the days my depression doesn't respond to anything else.
412. Becca said:
I started reading this blog when the bloggy awards came out out. I love it! I think it's amazing that you are so good at writing online, you don't need a "real" job because of it. Heck, I'd stay home and blog all day if gave me an income! Keep up the good work! And please, have lots more children.
413. lectric lady said:
You don't need to put up with this s**t. You don't need to have open comments. Political blogs need comments. Yours does not. Your blog is your reflection of YOUR life. No one has the right to comment on it. If I were you, I would just keep the comments closed.
414. Linda said:
I work with a bunch of Dooce-aholics. Dooce has become an obsession - its a noun and a verb and sometimes an adjective. Walking around in cubeland, you see that distinctive web header and know that your colleagues are "Doocing". After an especially funny post - we'll lean over or yell through the wall and ask a cube mate if they've "Dooced" today. Its a guilty pleasure that makes our days better.
Your site is great - you deserve all of your rewards because you're allowing people a glimpse into your life and the lives of your family. Unfortunately, these people turn around and flash you a full frontal shot of their unkempt ugliness...but damn...it makes for some good reading. They're just jealous because they with they would have thought of it first.
415. katy said:
I just wanted to say that I admire you so much. It takes a strong person to be so open about your struggles. You've been through so much, and you didn't let it break you, and I know that many people would kill to have your courage.
Plus, you're hilarious and that requires a good bid of admiration, as well.
Some people are just crazy enough to think that judging other people is in any way righteous or acceptable and you're absolutely right when you say that we should pity them.
416. starfish said:
Just in case you have some kind of weak moment when you think any of the bullshit you quote here might even have an iota of truth to it...IT DOESN'T.
You are brilliant. Your posts never fail to make me laugh out loud. You are honest, witty, and intelligent. You are fabulous. Don't ever forget that. Really.
417. Wendalette said:
I'm sure your eyes have glazed over from reading all these comments and that your teeth hurt from all the sweetness we are sending to you, but I won't let that stop me from weighing in.
I love reading your blog, and while I admit that there are a few things I don't agree with and a few things I don't see the humor in, I can appreciate that you have a sense of the absurd in the things that drive you bonkers.
And whether or not you believe in God or Mormonism or any other religion or are simply spiritual or agnostic or atheistic is not really anybody's business. I mean, they might be concerned, based on their own beliefs, but it's not their place to try to take the place of whatever deity they think they serve.
It's obvious that SOMEBODY up there (out there, within you, whatever) loves you, because you have been blessed beyond compare despite all the crap you've had to go through.
But you know that.
...I'm just saying...
418. Kate said:
I mean, it's really not fair to expect Ashlee to be able to spell if her parents couldn't even get her name right.
As much as I hate Mariah Carey, when I read crap like this, all I can think is "shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off."
419. BettyCrockerAss said:
Holy crap. That's was awesome! Thank you for having enough confidence and self esteem to continue and share your life. I am one of those people who identified with your depression after Leta was born. In fact, that's how I found your site...by good old goggle "post partum depression and how to deal." It helped me get through and understand stuff a little better. Now, we are trying for a second child and I hope that I never have to hear the things you do. For all the lame people that are out there, I would like to apologize for them. I guess you could say it's sort of like I'm doing a baptism for the dead.
Cheers.
420. Sonia said:
Wow, how hypocritical those religious folk can be. Interesting, very interesting how insulting kickass mofo such as yourself is quite all right in the mind of Jesus.
Nothing but love for Da Dooce! :)
421. Drama Queen said:
Heather - people's cruelty and lack of intelligence in this world should really shock me, but honestly, sadly it does not. You are a strong amazing woman that takes your talent in writing and creativity and share with all of us something so real, that we almost imagine we are living it. I know these comments are so common place to you, but I am sure it stings a little to read...
422. Jessica said:
If these people are so religious and perfect, they should know that we're not supposed to judge each other. Or be mean, for that matter. I really enjoy your blog; it just cracks me up. Life should be more about laughter and fun, and less about taking things too seriously. Life's too short for that. Congrats on your awards; they were well-deserved!
423. Bill said:
Priceless!!!
424. Jill said:
Oh my God. By the time I've read this and have commented, there are over 400 other comments, most of which I'll admit I haven't read. I am not sure if anyone else has been as upset by this post as I have, but I can guess (and probably hope) I'm not alone.
If it weren't for the 15 mg of lexapro I take every day I would probably be bawling. Heather, how you can put such a humorous twist into your response to this is one of the many reasons why I read your website on a daily basis. My skin is not as thick as yours, not by far. I just had a miscarriage a few weeks ago, and coupled with the fact that I also suffer from depression and anxiety and have a toddler whom I adore but also see the potential to carry on my "fuckedup-edness"... hearing people like Agnes and Nomar-whoever say shit like that to me would ruin me. Part of me wants to be angry and go back to my "riotgrrl" days and wave my fist of righteousness in the air and flip a black nailpolished middle finger at them, but, the truth is my poor little withered heart just wants to weep and wonder why people are so MEAN. I am sorry you have to deal with the assholes of the world, but I sincerely adore your work and your dedication, and for letting us into your family's lives. We're not worthy.
425. Leslie said:
Dude. Duuuuude. Don't hassle the "Don't Hassle the Hoff" T-shirt. Srsly. That's SO UNCOOL.
;P
P.S. You and your family and your dog are awesome. I wish I could get my dog to be still long enough to balance a banana on his head, because that's a picture I would cherish.
426. claudia @ cookeatfret.com said:
love you
mean it
you're brilliant
and fuck 'em if they can't take a little real life... geshk.
427. Lynda said:
Not only do I love you guys because you're so real (the people who live in my head hate it when I say that but it's true), but my own personal brooding cat-deer loves Chuck so much she couldn't sleep the night I played her the video where he barks at Coco and Coco responds in some coded puppy language with, "Punch your human in the pants until she plays this again." It was like finding out some really cute actor can also sing, and she made me play it over and over, and of course I did because Chuck is hotness incarnate. Also, Leta's beautiful, you guys rock, and the haters aren't worthy to polish your Bloggies.
(I'm not kidding about my puppy, you know, she even follows your style section. In her own way. http://flickr.com/photos/rustyeyes/2112156310/)
428. Brook said:
Wow, those e-mails just make the case for psychiatric medication, don't they? Those horrible, joyless people with their itty-bitty souls. Though I'm not sure what dosages of Xanax and Zoloft can substitute for a shriveled sense of humanity.
Oh, well. At least those buggers are in the minority. And are likely welded to their toilets, unable to harm the rest of us, save with words.
429. claudia @ cookeatfret.com said:
to #424
hi jill,
i'm definitely worthy.
my guess is you are too...
430. NatalieJOY said:
Heather,
I've never commented before, but feel the need to tell you how much I appreciate your creativity, writing, photography, real-life parenting style... all of dooce.com, really.
You know that putting yourself out there opens the door to criticism (and ignorance), but here's another reminder to add to the masses above that your work is appreciated.
Another loyal reader,
Natalie
Lansing, Mich.
431. loll said:
You got the mad skillz. Keep on rockin' in teh free world.
432. Kellyo said:
All I have to say is that your website is the only one I really must visit to make my day complete. Few other places have such sophisticated and proper uses of the word douchebag, and this makes me happy.
Now, please balance Coco on top of Chuck's head.
Kelly
433. Laura said:
Heather,
You dont need any of us who've commented to validate what you do here. You already know that it's important. And yet you've got 426 comments so far. Because people just want to show their support. In a world full of apathy and hatred, that's amazing.
I just wanted to say, thanks for the blog. Thanks for sharing Leta and Jon. And your thoughts and feelings. Especially the depression. It helps so many of us to know we're not alone. And thanks for Chuck and CoCo. I love new pics of Chuck. Im always amazed at what you get him to sit still for. He seems like an amazing dog. Your blog means a lot to a lot of us. So...
Thank you.
434. Anonymous said:
Screw people.
Especially the "Christian" who doesn't seem a lot like Christ if you ask me.
435. Debbie said:
I have been reading your blog for awhile now, and I have yet to comment. But I just wanted to tell you I love it. And well... I am going to take a stand on the subject and say-- find balancing objects on Chucks head very interesting, enough so that I have made people sit here until I searched out a particular photo of Him (the one with the oranges -- it makes me giggle)- all the while they mutter behind my back, "she is insane, what is so interesting about a dog with oranges?" LOL And you know what I am a Christian, and I think you sound like a wonderful person, and mother. Your family is lucky to have you. (sadly many so called Christians have never really learned what it truly means to be one)
436. Just Jinny said:
Wow.
I don't know how you do it. You're a saint. Saint Dooce. It has a nice ring to it.
All I know is that I've gotten to the point that even if people are just sharing their happy news of being pregnant, without any evil intent, I want to punch them in the face.
Maybe that makes me a bad person.
437. Anonymous said:
how are you not drunk 24-7 with a@!holes like this acting all high and mighty and judgemental? geesh, not very kind people.
438. Jessica said:
I agree wholeheartedly with the fact that you are awesomeness personified. I completely identify with you on every level. I truly think that the people who write those shitty comments to you are so far below the level of you and your readers that they can't even appreciate what you write about them - they are too stupid to get it. Call me an elitest, but you, your family, your friends, and your readers, including me, rock in a big huge way!
Leta is gorgeous by the way -- her eyes are something else. I look forward to watching her grow up - I, too, check your site every single day even though I don't post in the comments. Mostly because there are so many other comments already that express my sentiments. But this one, I couldn't stay silent.
I heart you Ms. Armstrong, but not in a stalker kind of way. I swear.
439. alex said:
After reading the first 100 or so comments, I sadly realized that I have abso-freaking-lutely nothing original to say here, but of course that isn't going to stop me!
I recently discovered your site (and yes, moving out from under a rock WAS a relief, thanks for asking!) and have been catching up on your archives as well as checking every day for pictures and posts.
Except for a daughter and my brief exposure to Mormonism when my mom had an attack of conspicuous religion when I was 8, we have very little in common. Yet EVERYTHING you write sounds like something I can relate to, because you are an AMAZING writer with a totally original voice.
Thank you, THANK YOU for the humor and the honesty and posting jerky emails from creepoids for us to mock with you!
And for what it's worth, I was a single mom for 8 years that didn't technically suffer from depression, but I totally remember crying as much as my kid. I never thought I'd be able to laugh about it until I found your site! Thanx again~
440. Cece said:
you. seriously. rock.
I'm totally rooting for you.
441. kari said:
There are some seriously skeevy people in the world. I'm glad you have the sense to be able to laugh at them.
Congrats on your well-deserved awards! I love your blog - keep up the great work.
442. TJP said:
I love your blog and often read it when life gets really sucky. I like the dog with stuff on his head, and the daily design photos and the fact that you share pieces of your life with all of us anonymous people. If the freaks of the week don't like it they can kiss my ass and crawl back under their rock. I would suggest remedial education as a human, but I suspect it is too late....
443. E said:
I love you. Will you marry me? Oh, wait, I am already married And I am a girl. They don't let "them fags" get married in this country...in that case, when I win the lottery, will you and your hubby and daughter and animals come live in my commune I am forming? Only sane people are allowed to live there. You qualify.
444. Anu said:
The funny thing is unlike words we speak, writing gives you the luxury of taking back what you've said. And to think that there are people out there who actually sit down and take the time to write words filled with so much hatred is just amazing.
Congratulations on all the awards Heather. Not a day goes by without reading your blog.
Take care.
445. Bulldog said:
Heather,
Those lame-brain commenters should realize it's not smart to bring a knife to a gunfight. I would NOT want engage in a verbal duel with you.
446. Sher said:
Holy bat pile of shit Batman...
(speechless for a moment)
A childs forehead
A fucking childs FOREHEAD!
Sane Mother? (what's that?)
Thumbing your nose at God...hmmm...ok and that email was something to do to get IN to the pearly gates? GIT.
The only thing I am upset about more than all of the nasty stuff people feel entitled and safe to say to you hidden behind their computer screens while they no doubt eat their boogers...is why did you not post their email addresses?
I would have (and I'm sure the other 1000 of us would have too) LOVED to add them to my mailing list.
Please tell them they have my permission to eat Coco's doodie bisquit.
447. cate said:
I don't even know what to say. Well, I do, but you've already said it and I don't think these people deserve any more of our energy.
I give you a lot of credit for reading those and then posting them. I know how I would feel getting those from perfect strangers who don't matter but somehow have nothing better than to tell you what's wrong with you and what you're doing wrong.
I THINK YOU'RE FAB!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, UGH.
(also I just want to add that the words for my captcha were "beef nomination" nice.
448. Jim Brodhead said:
My God! All this time I have thought you were so wonderful and now I find, thanks to these trolls what a waste of oxygen you are. How could I have missed all that and mistaken you for a smart, talented and creative sort.
Oh, yeah...I remember...it's because you are all of those good things and these venom spewing trolls probably did rough drafts of their e-mails to you using crayons and one of those big Indian writing pads while drinking their own bathwater. Hope they accidentally swallow a few dozen fart bubbles and blow themselves up. Now that would be worth seeing on YouTube. If their unkindness didn't piss me off so badly the futility of their synapses attempting to fire coherently would be funny.
And by the way assholes, leave Leta and Chuck the hell alone too. I would love to see the next picture of Chuck be him putting a big pile of Chuck shit right on your empty heads. Now that woule be funny.
Dooce, thanks for opening comments on this!
449. debbie said:
after 400+ comments, i'm sure you've heard it all by now, but i love you're site and am always baffled by how cruel people can be. and to people they don't even know! i think through the internet, people figure that because they are anonymous, they can be a big a jerk as they want to be. it's kinda like road rage...but...'net rage, i guess.
i guess it's really true that you can't please all of the people all of the time, but you never cease to please me..you know...in the none-creepy way. so indeed, keep on truckin'! you'll always get my vote! and no...i'm not an american idol watcher...much :)
450. haley said:
Simply Sensational. What is not funny about balancing treats on your dog's head and not allowing him to eat them I only wish I could teach my dog this!!
451. val cox said:
I admire your composure. Very interesting!
452. Charlitan said:
Ugh, wow, see, I can't get on board with some of this. I admire your ability to laugh at the asshats, but some of this shit that they say to you is just plain out... well, mean! As for the people who bitch because you "make money off your kid", I have two words for them: Erma Bombeck. Why is hosting a online journal that happens to feature your kid and family any different than themany writers out there who have made their living as published authors writing about their KIDS AND FAMILY???
And as to people's opinoin that you should not have another kid because you are mentally ill or a "bad parent", they A) don't have kids and B) are an affront to the majority of the population. Most people suffer from something. Who in the hell is anyone to determine who should and should not have kids???? What's next, government sponsered sterilization??
I just don't have a sense of humor tonight. But you do a great job of brushing it off... which really suggests to me that you are less ill than the people critisizing you.
453. Christopher Sean said:
My man Katt Williams sad it best. I usually do not post links to YouTube, but I really did not feel like putting what he says on here mostly because he does use some vulgarity and we know how much people can not just ignore something and pass over it and instead complain like they have to sleep with you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4w5M8V4aqI
454. ZestyJenny said:
You are so awesome. I have the biggest girl crush on you. I love your family and your dogs and your excellent taste in design and home furnishings.
I read through most of the comments and I got a little misty! You mean so much to so many people. :)
455. Kristin said:
It is amazing to me how large some people testicular fortitude becomes when they have the internet to hide behind. I hope none of this bothers you, its all for shock value. I can see though that you really have a great writing ability, I was physically repulsed at the zit goo on the pillow retort! Keep it up, *yawn* at the haters! :)
456. Lara said:
Heather -
You fucking ROCK.
That is all.
- Lara
457. Sarah said:
It's been a shitty day. The roofers came to shovel snow off our roof so it doesn't cave in and smother us while we are sleeping. The shovelled it on my deck which already had 5 feet of snow. My deck is now BROKEN - folded in half.
I'm pissed and sad.
But now I see what I'm am pissed and sad about is peanuts compared to how sad some of these emails make me feel. It's shamefull.
Heather (((HUGS))) all of us good-guys with shaved armpits WUV you.
Happy Springtime all of you!!!
Greetings from Montreal, 360cm of snow and counting (that's 12 feet of snow this winter for you imperial folks)
458. Christy said:
I know that you're a tough chick and for the most part this stuff just rolls of, but as someone who has a powerful way with words, I'm sure it stings a bit.
Don't know why people feel the need to be so hateful to you.
I've been thoroughly addicted to this site since I did a search on teaching my daughter about her anatomy and came across your "Cheeseburger" post.
Your writing is amazing (hence all the big advertising that takes place on your site, the book deals, the thousands? millions? of fans). I am very envious.
The way you just put it out there is real and if people can't handle that, I'm not sure why they choose not to walk away. I'll never understand.
Your daughter's forehead is perfect, just like her Mom's and her Dad's. Leta is beautiful and amazing and reminds me so much of my daughter in many ways. And I really like her hair pulled back b/c it shows her beautiful face with such strong features.
I'm sorry if this sounds like a kiss ass comment, it's not...these are the things I always think, but never take time to say. I hope you take them to heart.
459. sue.g said:
I love your website. I own a Chuck calendar & everyone I work with enjoys it. When I visit a new website and I don't like it or disagree with the writer I click the back button and go somewhere else, that's it, no nastiness.
Go away people, go to another website. It's easy, just go.
460. robinv said:
I find you one of the healthier people out in internets land. I love your stories about Jon, Leta, Chuck and Coco. And you can be sure that Jesus rolls his eyes when these assholes sit down at their keyboards and feel compelled to judge you when they refuse to look at their own shit. Looking forward to the book!
461. AJ said:
Don't get upset by those people. They can't even spell! Keep on writing, you are a true joy to read!
462. LisaLisa said:
On a day like today, I'm SO FIRED UP when reading these f*cking ridiculous emails, I don't even have the words to tell you.
You know what a good person, mother and wife you are. I know the same things about myself.
But when you're faced with the assholes of the world it's sometimes hard to just let the comments roll off your back. I admire your ability to do so!
In the meantime, I am just going to head over to the corner and cry. You my dear, earn serious points for being so stoic (and even if you did cry, I wouldn't blame ya).
Be strong, Armstrong,
Love,
Lisa
463. CT said:
It makes me sad to know that some people's lives are filled with such sadness and torment that they would actually take the time to write such hateful things. Time to focus on fixing what is obviously wrong in their lives and realize that their opinions are a reflection of their own demons. Keep up the good work, Dooce!
464. lisa said:
You are 100% awesome. And RAD. I became a 13 year old boy for two seconds just so I could type that to YOU. Feel special? You should! You are!
Love and more love,
Lisa in Austin (who is sad she didn't get to meet you)
465. Captain said:
Please, never stop balancing things on Chucks head. (Or dressing him up, or preventing Coco from eating him, or ceasing to share him.) The more work he has to do to balance something on his precious cranium, the sunnier and warmer my days are.
I know you won't, but the idea that you MIGHT is enough to make me panic. Obviously.
466. Alyxherself said:
That was nice of you, to acknowledge the existance of those so low down on the evolutionary scale and all.
I think your heart goes out to folks so...broken. Mine goes out to you for a sec. That you endure.
Go on Heather, don't even leave the internet like ya found it girl.
467. Gina said:
I have a history of depression, as I have e-mailed you about once or twice. I have heard similar criticisms as you did from "Nomen" and every time it hurts just as much as it did the first time. It would be easier if it just made me angry, but it hurts and it strikes at my own concerns about bringing a baby into the world who may inherit my health issues. Still I want a baby so badly. Why must people like "Nomen" be so f'ing cruel to us? Depression is hard enough on us.
As another note: I love your sense of humor and the way you deal with the jackasses of the world. Teach me. :)
468. Jaxon said:
PRIME STUFF! I really think Negative Emails from Dooce should be your next book. On the one hand we have the ignorant, slobbering, social misfit and on the other we have Heather's perfect and witty answer. It doesn't get much better.
One thing worries me. Humor can be a fine cover for pain. I hope you never let these douchebags hurt you Heather. You have to KNOW that you are marvelous (look at all the Bloggies you have to prove it) and the malcontents are full of large buckets of shite. End of story.
Congrats on your new book and I hope it makes a fortune. Yum, lots of money. But then you'll have whole new sets of problems that come with it. Lucky us, as you will write all about it.
469. THE SUPER BONGO said:
Well.
I love you.
470. Timilee said:
I think 465 readers who left comments--minus maybe one or two--have said everything and more that I wanted to say. I just wanted to be the 466th person to say that i agree. You have an amazing talent, and are brave for opening your personal life to the world. If I had your talent I too would want to share lifes trials and tribulations, the funny and odd things, and even balancing stuff on my dog too....aparently you have more patience at training yours than I would. keep it up....
471. bobbi said:
Even if the supportive comments are 500/1 over the idiot ones, it still must be a bit painful to realize there is such nastiness out there...as my mom used to say, just consider the source.
I love your photos of the pups and leta and you and jon...and obviously I'm soooo not alone!
472. wendi said:
This comment is #468!! I can't imagine that you'll ever get all the way down here to read this, but in case you do: YOU ROCK! I cannot believe how awful people behave on the internet. I would have quit a long time ago...thanks for continuing on, you're an inspiration.
473. Carny Asada said:
THERE. IS. NOTHING. WRONG. WITH. LETA'S. FOREHEAD.
But you knew that already.
Grrrrrr.
474. Audrey said:
I've been reading your blog since forever and im usually too lazy to comment BUT OH MY GOD these are some scary emails. Please don't ever forget this: you are teh awesome, im just a girl from Montreal and you and your husband are Gods to me. You are such a witty, strong, beautiful, funny, brave etc etc person. If i could id babysit your kid (and Coco) for free just so you could blog more.
Don't let these people let you down, you guys are amazing. <3
ps: I almost sent Leta a Hello Kitty note-stickers kit. But then i thought ok im 22 years old and im myself addicted to that stuff...it's wrong. So i didnt. :x
475. Christina said:
Thank you for being awesome.
476. Christina said:
Heather,
thanks for sharing your life with us. I can't even tell you how many times you've made my day when I needed it most.
477. molly said:
Dude. You are AWESOME at comebacks. Each one of those return insults was so spot on that even I felt the sting. Keep on keeping on.
478. Naiiad said:
I cannot believe the cheek of some people-- or perhaps I can.
In response to that last email, as an autistic person, I'm laughing because it's very obvious that this person has no idea of what autism really is.
You have many, many people who think you're wonderful to offset the douchebags. Pay no attention to said douchebags. They're really not worth your time or effort.
479. douG said:
Heather, please. You get so many wonderful emails, so supportive and affirming. I suggest you give the negative pokers the emotional energy and deep concern they deserve.
Now what about Robert Munsch? "Paper Bag Princess". That's a story for the Armstrong cla
480. Chelsea said:
Wow. I think you and your family rock! Your husband reminds me a lot of my own in that he is also a funny, supportive, patient and understanding guy. Thank you for this website and for sharing your life with me. I visit daily and will sometimes re-read posts on pregnancy, parenthood and especially depression. Reading your website is one of the bright spots in my day. I have a 5 month old son and I am dealing with crappy depression feelings for no apparent reason and reading your site helps me to remind myself that you got through it, Brooke Shields got through it and I will too. I'm sorry to hear how nasty people are to you, but like a Phoenix you continue to rise above adversity with humor and grace.
481. thebenevolentdictator said:
People who write this crap should be denied access to their keyboards until they've refilled their prescriptions and have some kind of working relationship with a dictionary and my grammar text from high school.
482. thebenevolentdictator said:
People who write this crap should be denied access to their keyboards until they've refilled their prescriptions and have some kind of working relationship with a dictionary and my grammar text from high school.
483. douG said:
Heather, please. You get so many wonderful emails, so supportive and affirming. I suggest you give the negative pokers the emotional energy and deep concern they deserve.
Now what about Robert Munsch? "Paper Bag Princess". That's a story for the Armstrong cla
484. Lexie said:
Your next month masthead should be several pictures of Chuck balancing objects on his head, with the tagline "I've never been so bored looking at a photo of a dog in my life." Just for Kent and all the other haters out there!
485. Patty said:
Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeease post the fuckers' e-mails. PLEASE.
486. CB said:
Fucking brilliant. Truly.
487. Lisa said:
I am so surprised at how mean and hurtful people can be.......What good comes from being so nasty!?? Anybody who acts like that and says those type of things cannot POSSIBLY be raising nice, thoughtful children themselves(hopefully, they don't have any kids!). I am glad you answer these nasty people..........that is just not right that they say those awful things to you ......I think you are great and read your blog everyday.........It is honest and real!
488. Anonymous said:
I want to thank you for #1. I just posted some new pictures of my animals on Facebook, and someone commented, asking if I ever took pictures of anything other than my animals (with about 10 question marks...of course). So thank you for letting me know it's ok to love my animals, and that there are people out there who have so much time on their hands that they can spend time looking at things they don't like, and THEN spend more time writing a stupid comment about them. Now, which one of us needs to get a life, again? I'm confused...
489. Lisa said:
I honestly didn't read all of the preceding comments, but I have to say, Heather, as much as the hate mail you get is appalling, Ashlee's ridiculous email entertained me today, so thanks. I sort of picture her with a little sliver of drool running down her chin, as she tries oh so desperately to string a series of words together in English. God help us all.
490. Laura said:
Mean people suck and those people are just mean! If you go through PPD once, I think you are better prepared to recognize it and even take preventative mesures. And having a 2 year old, I struggle with parenting issues, as does every parent on the planet who is not fooling themselves. I take great comfort in reading the stories of someone farther along the path than I am. And you are such a fabulous writer! Thank you for having this blog.
491. Michelle said:
Whatever is shoved up those morons butts will have to be surgically removed.
You are brilliant in every way imaginable.
492. Mimi said:
I love your writing. Chuck and his nose are fabulous. Leta is beyond beautiful. I check your blog daily. Absolutely the best on the web.
Clearly, those comments were left by insecure, jealous individuals. A plethora of research in peer-reviewed psychology journals support my statement. I can give you references if you wish.
You're laughing at them. Me too.
493. dkaye said:
It never ceases to amaze me the number of stupid and insensitive people who live around us. I suppose this is what zero tolerance has produced.
Maybe you should start an advice column for idiots who feel all superior and knowing of how best YOU should live your life.
Cheers!
494. Michele said:
After reading those I think I need a few of those perfect margaritas. With a side of Enrique Iglesias.
495. Anna said:
Oh, lovely Heather. Why must you post these terrible emails? I hate humanity enough as it is. My God but the world is filled with freakshows and we're trapped here with them. I can understand your rationale for calling them out publicly, but sweet jesus it's depressing. Lock your doors.
496. Aimee Greeblemonkey said:
I have had the most craptastic day and just laughed my ass off. I'm sorry you have to put up with such ridiculous garbage, but, really. It's just so damn funny.
497. Scotty said:
I fucking love hate mail day at the Blurbodoocery. You really should make it a full time tab next to the daily Chuck, because we all know its fun to laugh at these douche bags.
Rock on spaghetti arms!
498. Suzanne said:
You rock!
I am encouraged and comforted by your honesty and humor every day.
Thank you for "keepin' it real".
499. Ricki said:
I don't think I've ever commented on your blog, but I read it all of the time.
It's unreal to me that people can be so damn mean. I'm sorry. I love reading about you and yours.
(((hugs)))
500. Ricki said:
I don't think I've ever commented on your blog, but I read it all of the time.
It's unreal to me that people can be so damn mean. I'm sorry. I love reading about you and yours.
(((hugs)))
501. amanda said:
wow! those comments are horrible. i apologize on behalf of them and would like to take this moment to say not everyone that believes in God is as obnoxious as that. i love your blog and visit it almost daily...thank you for your insight (and especially your pictures...my fiance is in love with chuck!).
502. Emily said:
thank you Heather!
503. Lexi said:
Oh dear... I almost feel bad laughing at those e-mails since they are so mean, but well.. they certainly are funny.
I'm not sure I could not be offended by them, so good work!
504. becky said:
Just the other day I was thinking how it seemed about time for another edition of Exclamation Point! Love the one with the commas. Thanks for the laugh, Heather - great reminders in this one that we have to learn to laugh off what others say about us before it drives us insane.
And Leta's hair is beautiful, pulled back or left down, and her face is beautiful no matter what. That guy's a douche.
505. Jules said:
I've been reading your blog since before Leta was born, and think it's absolutely fucking hilarious. This post was pure gold. Keep it up!
506. elizabeth r said:
Nomen (which makes me think he looks like a larger version of a yard gnome...) obviously seems to know what it's like to endure something like depression... you know, with the way he unknowingly contributes to it by being an ass. I enjoy that people who think they know everything (or enough to tell you how to live your life), are really just crowding up our world and taking up my precious space!
Heather, Jon, Leta, Chuck, and Coco rock...
507. RubiaLala said:
Ha, I love the comment about Jesus kicking a pregnant woman!
I'm so glad you address this because these people truly have nothing better to do than try to make other people feel poorly about themselves and your responses to them are perfect. Obviously (or hopefully?) you don't let them get to you. I haven't been reading your blog since the beginning but I went back and read the part about the hard time with Leta and it did help me with my kid, so thanks.
And P.S. What's wrong with making money off your kids?
508. Jenn said:
I'm on your side.
Don't let the turkeys get you down.
509. kiminchrg said:
Oh Heather...
I would be amazed by the insane and idiotic mind-numbing crazies out there... But I work in news. So they call me. EVERY DAY!!
You should check out this new video - I found it today - and somehow, I think it perfectly fits this post.. Especially for the Oh so holy, Miss Ashlee.
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=30547979
510. Peanut said:
I have been reading your blog since the pregnancy of my first child in 2004. I never go a day without a dose of Dooce.
Leta is going to be an awesome woman one day! And i can so tell Chuck is having a ball with the posing. He is such a charmer!
WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOHHHHH Heather! Keep it up!
With Love,
ThePeanut & mom of two.
(all the way in Malaysia)
511. Carly said:
I rarely ever comment on any website, but reading what these angry, cold hearted, and very lost souls wrote to you, about you, about your family, and especially about your daughter brought tears to my eyes. I am sorry that there are people out there that judge others so harshly without ever looking at themselves. I am thankful for you and what you choose to write and how you choose to write it. You make me feel like a "normal" person and a "normal" mother, because you made me realize that "normal" does not equal perfect. I cannot be perfect no matter how hard I have tried and how guilty I have felt about it. Sometimes it is not about being perfect, it is about making it through each day as well as you can, and you help me do that. Thank you.
And even now that I have snot and tears running down my face, I am still more "normal" than these people that feel the need to validate their existence by shitting all over yours.
512. Cate said:
Uh... go 5-heads! We're taking over the world, what with our ginormous brains and all. It's astonishing that people would go so far as to attack you for wanting another child, when from what I can tell, you might possibly be the coolest mom in your particular time zone. Also, reading your site (while obviously providing for extended periods of insane laughter) has totally let me know that you don't have to be a Stepford Ho to have a really awesome life. (I'm in college, so this is useful.)
Keep rocking. And thank you for continuing to do what you so awesomely do, and sharing the awesomeness with us. (The pictures of Chuck never cease to astound--I have a SuperMutt, who actually looks similar to Chuck, and she'd sooner have a paw cut off than willingly let a treat languish on her head.)
513. Erin said:
I think Leta is GORGEOUS. And you should be very proud of your achievements. Screw the haters, your site is awesome.
514. baseballmom said:
What I love the most is how Ashlee can spell so well...gaw, I'm just in awe.
515. meghan said:
so i don't usually comment on sites where i don't personally know the author, but i just had to give you kudos for publishing these letters. i love how you "thumb your nose" at these morons who don't know their ass from their elbow.
oh yea, and i'm in love with chuck. :)
516. Grace said:
I found you my first year of college and four years later I'm still reading you daily. I know what it is like to suffer from depression, it's hard, and reading how brave you've been through it all makes me feel that I will be okay. That I do not have to be ashamed that I suffer from it. Reading your blog has sometimes been the one thing that turns my day around. So thank you! With all the fun you bring to your loyal readers you deserve the best!
Screw all the haters(exclamation point exclamation point)
517. Erin said:
Wow. Some people are just fucking douchbags for the hell of it, eh?
518. Erin said:
and another thing....
I think Leta is adorable.
519. liz said:
wow, i can't get over how unkind people can be...whew! no wonder the world is in the condition it is in.............i have just started reading your blog, thought it was entertaining, you are very smart and clever.....and if i can't say anything nice i will shut up! i am sorry anyone ever has to hear such unkind things.....i worry for my granddaughter who is only 6.....what will people say to her as she gets older.....let's be kind people...it doesn't hurt one bit! and i see i am not alone, i love your blog too; it has made me laugh out loud! and that's a good thing!
520. Meranath said:
Ooo hatemail ideas for the april mast.
Dooce: Condlences are in order.
or... condolences are on back order.
521. Melissa's Cozy Teacup said:
Obviously, not all Christians are A-holes although there are some comments on your site that make a compelling argument that we are.
For the lady with all the commas, it's called grammar and spelling, you should look into it.
Can Chuck balance a cup and saucer on his head?
522. Courtney said:
HEY! I have a "Don't Hassle the Hoff" shirt. That isn't geeky, hah.
523. jill said:
I'm so sorry you receive crap like that. Thank you for sharing so much of your lives with the world. You and your family are beautiful and do not deserve such nastiness.
And Leta's gorgeous and Chuck rocks. But I have to say that I do wish Ashlee would keep a blog. I think I would read it. Although not for the same reasons that I read yours.
524. Aradi said:
Large 5-heads are necessary for plotting world domination. Pinheads never grasp this.
I know you are an excellent parent because Leta wears Converse. All the better for stomping the shit out of kids who might make fun of her.
525. Anonymous said:
Holy crap.
To think that before i read this post I honestly thought the world was a basically good place.
Before I read this post.
526. Kendall said:
Holy frick, people are mean. I love the blog, think you're adorable, and Leta is beautiful and has a totally normal sized forehead. And I pray that you'll be bringing another beautiful child into the world whenever you damn well feel like it. Go Dooce!
527. Liz said:
That message from and reply to Ashlee is hilarious. It's clear that people have some major shit to work through and you just happened to be the person they're letting it out on. Damn, projecting on people sucks.
Thx for your blog. It's fantastic!
528. red lotus mama said:
Long time reader. First time commenting.
Unreal. Those are the kids of people suck the fun out of life. They are taking things waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to seriously.
Reading Ashlee's letter was painful. Humm ... who is the bad writer. Ashlee, it is called spell check.
Dooce, keep on blogging in the free world, sista!
P.S. I love the "dumb" photos of your dog balancing stuff on his head.
529. Wacky Mommy said:
Really, that is the best batch so far. Go party some more with Leta, would you?
530. Tiffany said:
Wow. People are assholes.
Sometimes I think "I am so jealous of Dooce. She has it all - massive talent, a great family, dogs who don't eat other dogs.." the list goes on and on. But then I remember how fucking hard you have had to work to get here, and I don't know if I would even want that. I think you are incredibly strong to keep doing what your doing. Stronger than me, and definitely stronger than the people who send you hate mail.
You put yourself out there, and it has helped a lot of people. Self included. I know this is just a drop in the bucket of support, but I wanted to say it anyway. You rock.
531. Harold said:
I have been following you for 4 or 5 months or so.
I think your great.
What a shame that that is all they have to do is backstab others that they would never have the nerve to say anything directly to your face.
One bright spot I see, as long as they surf the internet showing their education.... they ain't breeding!
Thank you for your blog.
Harold
532. Jane said:
I am amazed by the hateful things people feel they have to write to you.
I love your site - it gives such a lift to my day to catch up on what Chuck, Coco, Leta, Jon and yourself are doing on the other side of the world.
BTW - I have had the Enrique Iglesius song from 'Rob and Big' stuck in my head ever since I read your post referring to it - and it makes me smile EVERY TIME I think "Do you? Do you?"!!!
533. Word Vomit said:
For the record I really enjoy reading your site AND the pictures of Chuck with things on his head. Your posts often make me laugh out loud and consiquently (sp?) get in trouble at work.
534. ourania said:
I just wanna say that every day i look forward to read something for you and see your interesting pictures ! I live on the other side of the world but thanks internet I have the pleasure to live my life through your site and I love it ! Thanks!!
I had the worst experience after a bad ended whole term pregnancy,but I managed to continue and have now a healthy 2 1/2 year old girl. through these I learned that we can be very tough and don't give a shit about others opinions. thanks again, and please continue the unique job . Your kid is too cute too, as the whole family ! thanks !
kisses from greece.
535. myla said:
Just so you have it in writing: the people who really matter think you're fabulous. And you are.
Don't ever, ever, EVER forget that.
{{hug}}
536. designGirl said:
People are just whacked. I hope you don't take their crap to heart, although by your quick-witted comments, I can only imagine the FUN you have responding. I SO would.
Gotta say, here in sunny, warm (read hot and humid)tampa fl there are a group of us who do little more than have long conversations about dooce.com. We love you and your family, but we really "heart" chuck the most. "Get a life", you might be thinking, but we are SO beyond hooked on your website.
So screw the haters and keep doing what you do. Looks as though by all the comments here -- your fan base can totally kick some whack-a-doo ass. And twice on Sunday.
Crap, I'm catholic, and this being holy week, I think I need to hit the confessional tomorrow for all the bad words that just spewed from my fingers. Oh wait, I haven't been to church in years. Oops.
Take care and much success to you, Heather!
537. Nicole said:
Wow. Just wow. I have been reading your blog on and off for several years, and the thing I love most is your honesty. I think honest people are threatening to people. Honest people might tear down a carefully constructed facade that gives the illusion of perfection. Once that facade is down all they have is a crappy life. Your responses to these people are spot on.
Keep up the amazing work.....and I look forward to more things balanced on Chuck's head! :)
538. Bratfink said:
Dooce, YOU ARE THE MASTER.
I genuflect before your website and only hope that when I start getting hate email that I can handle it as well as you do.
Though I doubt that will ever happen, because YOU ROCK.
love and hugs from over here!
Brat
.
539. Anonymous said:
Wow. People are raw. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I pray for you and your family and pray you get that baby. Have a little faith.
540. Katherine said:
I have been reading your blog for over a year and this is the first time I have commented. I just want you to know I look forward to reading your posts every day. Your blog helps bring humor to my life of being a mom, full time student and wife!!!
Ignorance is not always Bliss!!!! Those that are not well informed should probably not spend thier time reading blogs about other peoples lives or It could be self esteem issues...Not only that but do you notice that people are often lax on thier grammar skills on the internet?
Katherine
541. Lesley said:
These "people" who are mailing you remind me of the cannibals Cormac McCarthy describes in his novel The Road. Bloody scary. Seriously. We do not want them surviving the apocalypse and travelling the highways.
That said, they are a part of America and Lord knows George Bush and Cheney depend on their ongoing support so...
This may not make up for having such shit in your in-box but this is my opportunity to extend my appreciation for the style section this week (or it may have been last). I saw that Carrie bag in the photo that was taken of you on the blog prize site and hoped that you might feature it. The day you did I ordered my very own (in lavender) and can't wait for it to arrive.
I love your photographs. They are beautifully shot and processed. As far as that colostomy bag who wrote about Leta is concerned...oh my God. People who attack children are the lowest of the low. Leta is one of the most gorgeous human beings I've ever seen. People with low ridged foreheads and bushy eyebrows can sometimes fail to appreciate the beauty that surrounds them. Or may be they're jealous. Anyway, keep posting all three pix a day, and block those shitbags.
542. The Bold Soul said:
There is something about being happy, living your life with joy on your own terms, and being brave enough to share the good, bad and ugly truth about yourself that just seems to ATTRACT the most bitter, crazed and useless people. Sure, the hate mail probably stings a little from time to time (I know that sometimes I have to sit on my hands to avoid lashing back at my hateful-mailers) but think of it this way: it's just there to show us what we do NOT want to become. It's nice to know we have choices: we can be happy, fulfilled people who choose to focus on the good in life, or we can be like THOSE sad and pathetic excuses for humanity who can't get through the day without attacking someone else.
I especially like the Ashlees of the world who like to tell us how bad we are at writing while at the same time providing a live example of how NOT to be a writer. She made me want to whip out my red editor's pencil. Even her slang was spelled wrong. (It's "gonna", not "gunna", you pea-brain.)
543. EspressoME said:
I don't have a dog... but I have a three year old with a 5-head--just like her mamma. (I'm so proud!) I balance things on her head and she calls them "HATS".
Krista masterbating to WATERFORD??? You ought to see what she does for Longagerger. Total whore.
544. EspressoME said:
Gads. Longaberger. Longaberger. I feel as dumb as Ashley.
545. Lesley said:
If you ever need a visual on some of these emailers, go to YouTube and do a search for Anna Nicole Smith's cousin. She's very obviously a result of inbreeding. I think she eventually died from stupidity.
(How do they even know how to type?)
546. NJ WebGuy said:
Holy damn, I have not laughed so hard in a while as I am now at your responses to some of these attacks.
Good on you to have the confidence to handle it the way you do; Many others would let that kind of stuff send them bawling into the fetal position and shut their site down.
547. Laura said:
Don't you just love people who can't deal with uniqueness?
You make me laugh every day, your writing is awesome, your life slightly mad which makes it great and you have enough balls to make up for all the tossers who send spiteful comments.
Keep going!
548. SakuraSlime said:
You ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Agnes is a stupid-head.
549. Kaaate said:
Man, sometimes internet anonymity is a really bad thing. I don't like the majority of people I meet in person either because they're equally nasty in a subdued sort of way, but this e-bunch (NOMEN, WHAT THE HELL? WHO AND WHAT ARE YOU?) are way too free with their gross self-righteous chair-thoughts and sharing them with a near complete stranger.
Also, I'm sure you get a bunch of explosively mean religious hypocrites, which would make me keel over in frustration, personally. I feel like keeling over at it now a little!
I'm sorry people suck, because you seem like a good and rare lady person from my internet seat.
550. Married Leos said:
I especially like the Ashlee email. If you are going to tell someone they are a bad writer, you should have the ability to write yourself. If nothing else she could have used spell check.
551. Kate said:
God would never punish you with a miscarriage.
But!! He would punish us all by bringing the Lovely Agnes into the world.
552. Anneleen said:
I just cannot believe the stupidity of these people. Dooce, you are a great person and a great writer. Go get 'em!
553. rachelle said:
i am completely shocked that people would take the time to write this crap to you.
love your site. i know when i come here, i am guaranteed a laugh. thanks.
554. Ms. Single Mama said:
What a bunch of FREAKS. Seriously. You rock. And I saw you speak at SXSW - you are an extremely intelligent, intuitive and talented writer...and mother!
555. Helen said:
Every time I read someone saying " GET A REAL JOB!" I wonder WTH? Who, in their right minds would stop doing something they are good at ( or even terrible at but get paid great money for) that means they have choices, that supports their family, enables the whole family to be together every day...stop doing that and YES! Go to WORK at a REAL job, and earn £10 an hour and leave your kid at daycare 18 hours a day, never see your husband....do THAT you idiot...stop earning great money doing something fun!
Who would do that?
I wish I could write like you and support my family doing it, I am registered as 'disabled' by my depression and guess what? I Had SIX children and one of them even has a big forehead....people like us should be shot, probably, but only after we have been sterilised.
556. Nix said:
Thanks for making my day! I just have to say that I don't have kids and don't plan to have any anytime soon, but if I do, I think I'll be pretty much the same type of mom as you ie. a GREAT MOM! Those
clog wearing, Martha Stewart watching, president of the PTA types just don't get how much their kids hate them for their incescant wining about EVERYTHING! In their desperate need to force their kids into a society accepted mould they are lovingly forming the sort of offspring that write retarded comments like that on other peoples blogs! Leta is a great (sometimes weird) child and when she's old enough to read your blog she'll see how funny and smart her mom is!
(this is where you pat yourself on the back)
557. Sonja said:
I have to say, you were much too nice to these assholes in your responses.
558. Tori said:
Heather,
These are incredibly hateful things and I am sorry that you have to read them. Please know that there are so many of us who find your writing amazing, insightful, and refreshing.
Best to you, Jon, and Leta.
Happy Spring,
Tori
559. Heather said:
Admit it, you made Ashlee up.
560. Kaydee Pony said:
As Warhol never mentioned it, I wasn't aware that the '15 Minutes' extended to retards! How nice of you to aid in their fame-seeking skills! Perhaps you could start giving clinics?
561. jess said:
If I ever become a mom, I'd take a leaf from your "partying" book. Ok, make that many leaves.
562. Sarah said:
I am not sure why anyone making those comments should be classified as Christian or in any other religious category. But since they attach the title to themselves what can you do. Hope that people know they represent a small group not the masses. Heather you are a great writer and you have an amazing way for taking the mundane and making it funny. Thanks for being so real about your life and sharing it in a creative way.
563. Cat said:
Every time you publish one of these columns, I feel amazed. First I'm struck with how angry the writers are and how they've chosen to take it out on you - my theory is that they have no other place to vent, so you've become their punching bag. Secondly, why do so many folks forget that reading your site (or any other) is a voluntary act. No one is forcing them to share your thoughts - unless you've secretly been practicing mind control in your spare time. And just in case you have been getting all Svengali on our asses, I'd like to request more deviant sexual thoughts please.
Hey - I've got a good line for your monthly banner! "Dooce: Secretly practicing Mind Control since ..." -
Keep up the good work!
564. Allison said:
I am really confused? How do you parent, take care of the puppies, write a book, maintain a web site, and be a SAHM and still have time to jet around the US and make these people read your website? Obviously they are being held at gun point and made to read all your blogs. That is the only conclusion I can come to. In what other world would these people have time to escape from their wonderful lives to comment on one that they think is so shitty? Some people need to get a life, or a better one at that.
You are great, I love your writing and attitude! I'm sure you don't need more kudos to add to the hundreds already here. .. but I needed to give you that warm piss in your pants feeling! Thanks for being so REAL.
565. kristi said:
What doocebags. ;)
566. Nicole said:
WOW.
I all I have to say is to agree with many of the previous comments - you are a GREAT mother. You are a REAL mother. Anyone who protests that a "good" mother wouldn't do this or that thing you did... well, they just don't have kids. Heck, I don't have kids, and I see you are a GREAT mother, so I don't know what their problem(s) is(are).
I sincerely hope that when I do start a family, that I can be as fantastic a mother/woman as you. Please take this as a compliment - that you recognize your own limitations and get help when you need it is the greatest accomplishment for a human being. You deserved the lifetime achievement award, if only for that fact.
567. Helen said:
Do you think that like the rest of us subscribe to the blogs we like, these people subscribe to the ones they hate and send vile messages to? Do they say, 'Oh good, Dooce has posted today, I must read her and get a hate on'? It's quite funny how they feel they have to explain why they read you at all.
Me, I'm always glad to see you've posted, especially when it's one of these pieces: I hate reading the emails, but I love your responses. Leta's a lucky girl.
568. wry catcher said:
Sister Dooce, all this is clearly as a sign from Heaven unto you. Yea, even that you must hearken to the religion of your youth so you would know with a surety that all this opposition and virtual prick-kicking against you simply proves that you are True.
569. Lori said:
Well, I'd say not to take the comments to heart, but I think you already know that.
Seriously, like the other 562 before me (well I didn't read them all...) I love this blog. Your letters to Leta make me tear up. Who cares if you were depressed and had ppd... that doesn't make you any less of a person or a bad mom.
And BTW- I have a 5-head. I wear my hair back every day. No one makes fun of me. I have always heard that a high forehead means a strong personality- and I think that's a good thing! Leta is BEA-U-TIFUL....a la Moose E Moose and Zee. (I'm kinda sure you know them...)
570. Megan said:
It sucks that you have to read these things,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Dooce rocks!!!!!!!!!!!
571. Cindy from Canada said:
So that's where the perfect people went! For the rest of us imperfect people, God Bless Us!
572. Ceej said:
Those emails sum up everything wrong with people these days. Sanctimonious insults (what an oxymoron) are the best kind. Blasphemy is one of my favourite kinds of humour, keep it up.
573. Anonymous said:
Reading these despicable messages has made me so sad. The only way I can counteract such negative words is to tell you how grateful I am to have found your blog last year. Your candor is inspiring, and jeez, you make me laugh! And cry sometimes, but mostly laugh.
Thank you.
574. Ky Eliza said:
Haaaaa, diane from comment #96! I would recommend the very same thing.
Pamie said once that she had an eight-head and she seems to be doing just fine. :)
As for the others: they're plain ol' crazy. Just completely off the beam.
575. Deutlich said:
Well, I'd go on a rant about how friggin' lame all of those jerks were for making such an effort to just cut someone else down - but you pretty much did that already - and a heck of a lot better than I ever could. I mean, I'd probably just retaliate with a string of curse words.
Anyway - I love your blog. As do many, many other people. For that matter? You're the only blog I've ever been "introduced" to by so many different people that I just *had* to read it. When I see dooce.com come up in my google reader? I always click on it immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Because you're fantastic that way.
And.. I'm sure your comments are now filled with similar statements, so I'll spare you any more schmoozy words. Just know that we're damn glad you share your stories and pictures with us. ;)
576. Karin said:
Agnes is a fuck knuckle.
Kent is a c*nt
How did Ashlee figure out how to use email? Though maybe she is just being post modern and satirical particular with the reference of you being a bad writer...
Did I mention Agnes is a fuck knuckle?
577. Lisa said:
Most of these made me laugh...but that one from Agnes made me want to throw something. How very un-Jesus like.
I read your blog every day and I LOVE it. Keep up the good work!
578. Jennifer Erdosy said:
kaci said it best - you know you're doing something right when people like this are NOT in your corner! seriously, as warped as they are, you don't want them as friends. and we who love you are all your friends, just, you know, we haven't met yet.
all good things to you - bunnies, smiles, 5-heads, handsome hubbies, soap, sunshine, style.
579. Deeg said:
I've never enjoyed a blog entry more hahaha...and the response to the who wrote about Letas forehead??? Priceless....hahahaha gawd that was great
580. Medina said:
Heather, your blog rocks my world. You say the things that we all secretly wish we had the balls to say out loud. Hearing your humorous take on every day situations makes me smile. For all of the mean and hateful people out there, I'm sure there are twice as many people that adore you. Keep doing what you're doing.
581. Bonnie said:
People have no shame to write hateful things in emails.Thats the ridiculous thing about the internet. Id like to see these idiots walk up to you in the store or out at the park and say what they think. I bet most of them wouldnt say a peep.
582. Megan said:
Let's not be so hard on Ashlee. I think she came up with April's tagline for you:
Dooce: "really not civelized at all"
583. Rebecca said:
You simply MUST post more hate mail! It brings out the very best in you! You've gone and made my day... My favorite was the thing about the commas making you pause and have epileptic seisures.... Seriously, I laughed for five minutes about that. I may just have to read it again. In fact, that one thing about the commas is why I am now your BIGGEST fan... not because I like you so much... but because I am fat and I like you :) You're good Heather...... Don't worry about the rest.
584. laura said:
OMG. Yes, yes, the comments stink and are terribly rude. But HOW FUNNY. Thanks for sharing, and not taking them seriously. You have such a good attitude.
585. Michele said:
My condolences to Agnes on the loss of her compassion for other human beings.
586. Jacqueline said:
I've never seen you thumb your nose at God and I've been reading for years. Every single day there are photographs of the miracles in nature (including Chuck balancing things on his head and donning a tutu), the miracles of human life (your precious child and several baby faces belonging to other babies), the intricacies of human interaction (husband, child, friends, relatives). Those are all things chock FULL of God.
So you're trying to have a sense of humor and compassion about it all, would that each of those miserable and lonely emails be able to look at the world the way you see it. My higher power or God would gently look upon you and say, Wow, what an amazing woman. She really gets it. Life can be fraught with hardship sometimes and here I have created a woman who reaches out with love and goodness and writes about it for the world.
You keep doing it exactly the same way!
587. Beti said:
I can't believe the hatred!!! It makes me sad that people actually think that way. It is one thing to believe one way, but a completely different thing to judge others because they have slightly different beliefs... I could go on...
588. amyp said:
you rock heather and your family is beautiful.
589. Angel said:
Your website is phenomonal. I constantly check hoping you have updated with a new picture of Chuck and Coco, wondering what Leta and her imagination are up to, or to just plain see what "fantastic you make it sound so good thing that I have to have one too thing" thing you have posted in your daily style. I apologize to you on hebalf of all the idiots that have chosen to let their ignorance ooze and taint your thoughts, words and deeds. Please forget all they have said - their words mean nothing - you are fantastic ;)
590. Mariselle said:
It is unreal how people can be so cruel and mean and just plain disgusting. I read your website because of the many ways I can identify with you as a Mother, especially. Sick people out there. By the way, congratulations on your book!
591. Alice said:
I'm sorry the Internet is full of douchebags, Dooce. Keep up the good work. For what its worth, I find the pictures of Chuck balancing random objects on his head really entertaining. Don't let the bastards get you down.
Cheers
592. Kate said:
Your gay! u cant. even;right!
That was priceless.
Also, your candidness about the troubles in your life helps more people in this world then any of these hypocritical buttholes ever will.
You are a source of inspiration and I admire you.
Keep fighting the good fight.
*cue in Karate Kid Music*
" You're the best arou-ound, nothings ever gonna bring you down!*
Wax on, wax off, Heather Armstrong.
593. Becky said:
I haven't laughed this hard while reading a blog in a long time. These people rock! I often laugh on the inside or smile but really, when reading Ashlee's note, I laughed out loud.. hard.
Thanks Heather!
And you know all the SANE people love you. I'm glad you can laugh at these nut jobs. Or at least I hope you do.
You are the reason I started my blog. Don't ever think of quitting.
594. Leigh said:
Are you KIDDING me? I've never commented before, but I read you daily. What goes on in the little minds of these people? That's just crazy. and stupid. I'm sorry you have to put up with that crap. I like the way you deal with it, though. Rock on!
595. Stephanie From Omaha said:
I'm sure there is nothing that I can add that 500+ people before me haven't said already.
But, I just needed to say something...
I've been reading your blog for a few years now, and I've always found humor in your responses to the rude people who feel the need to share their idiotic thoughts and feelings towards you and your site. BUT! This time, I think some people went a little overboard!
I CANNOT BELIEVE that someone actually had the nerve to say something so horrible about having a miscarriage! (I've never had one, but I've sat by my sister's side and my cousin's side as they went through multiple ones). I don't care how much you dislike someone (Who you don't even KNOW) that you would even think about taking a shot at such a heartbreaking, painful, emotional, experience.
AND the person that wondered why you would bring another child into this world, is a douchebag. From what I can tell, Leta is an amazing little girl. She is happy, healthy, and growing up to be a beautiful little princess.
I read your site daily and find inspiration in what you have to say or show us. Thank you for opening up your life to us, and I'm sorry that some people choose to be assholes.
Take care!
596. Carly said:
I have never commented before, but after reading those horrible e-mails I just wanted to say, I think you are a wonderful mother. Anyone who takes the time to read what you write can see that you love Leta beyond what they would know... Thank you for being an inspiration.
597. Jessica said:
Seriously? These people exist? I'm thankful that I was raised better than that. But you're right, it does kinda just make ya wanna give them a hug. Keep on doin' what you're doin'. Much Love.
598. Lovebuzz said:
Heather, you are awesome. And those hate-mail people? They are obviously constipated.
599. LikeALurker said:
Yeah - Hate Mail and Open Comments !!
Love this from #325, although I doubt Ashli gets the irony:
"Ashli~ may, Godd, smil, onu, 2, day, i, pra, we, al, b, ga, pussays"
And this from #407 - Go Chuck!!
***Patiently waiting for the day Chuck balances Coco on his head.***
Heather for President !!
(seriously, TWO WORDS in the spamometer?)
600. Tiffany said:
Bwahahaha. Losers. Keep on keepin' on.