Thinking

I have never felt more like a mother than when I made sure that I had a Tupperware container of Cheerios in my purse.

Thinking

Now that I think about it, she looks more like a gangstah chef than a Native American Chief.

Thinking

Happiness is bra shopping of the non-nursing bra variety. Lace! Silk! Straps smaller than the width of a six-lane freeway!

Thinking

Oh, the inhumanity of a formula-fed baby’s poopy diaper! GEE-YUCK.

Thinking

Have I mentioned how cute my husband is in his glasses? No? He is REALLY FUCKING CUTE IN HIS GLASSES. OH. MY. GOD.

Thinking

At the moment I don’t feel like throwing anything across the room or at a wall. This is a good moment.

Thinking

The caption under this picture should read: “And the best part about it? You can cuss at the Best Buy customer service employees WITH YOUR HANDS FREE!”

Thinking

Oh, the sanctity of heterosexual marriage!

Thinking

This website definitely needs more cowbell.

Thinking

MUST. STOP. EATING. MALT. BALLS.

Thinking

Empirical evidence shows that babies don’t particularly like to have their toes pulled. This doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying.

Thinking

One day I will be able to tell my grandkids that my website was once the second search result for “Justin Timberlake naked” and HOW COOL IS GRANDMA NOW, HUH?

Thinking

Where else on the internet would 570 people leave comments about their vaginas?

Thinking

We may have to get rid of some of our furniture because our baby’s head has moved in.

Thinking

Alas, life as I know it is coming to an end.

Thinking

If your local grocery store doesn’t have any twinkies in stock it’s probably because I ATE THEM ALL.

Thinking

The world just doesn’t have enough pictures of my baby’s scrumptious head.

Thinking

Number of times the word “boob” has been uttered in my household today: WAY. TOO. MANY.

Thinking

Alas, I had such high hopes for this.

Thinking

TiVo was invented so that you can pause what you’re watching, switch the baby to the other boob, and then resume your show without missing a single second!

Thinking

There are only a few things in life as glorious as being able to empty my bladder in one go.

Thinking

I should totally be arrested for this.

Thinking

Someone should probably warn my baby that I suffer from chronic Squeezing of the Cute Infant Butt Syndrome.

Thinking

I’m pretty sure I’m going to give birth to an 8-lb Nacho Cheese Dorito.

Thinking

The scariest thing about this whole baby thing is knowing that I won’t be able to say to her, “You’re poopy? Your mom will change your diaper when she gets home.” I WILL BE THE MOTHER.

Thinking

This is the most horrifying webpage in the history of the internet.

Thinking

It’s a happy family where the husband can use the wife’s belly as a table for the remote control.

Thinking

If your husband can’t troubleshoot an Epson printer and wire an outlet for a dishwasher, you might want to think about getting your money back.

Thinking

This, my friends, is the Cereal of the Gods. I will never eat anything else ever again.

Thinking

I love living in a state where my tits have rights.

Thinking

True love is someone who will voluntarily unclog your toilet.

Thinking

You know you’ve married the right man when he farts and you can’t smell it.

Thinking

Never again will I take for granted the ability to bend over and tie my shoes.

Thinking

I can safely blame iTunes for Windows when my child asks why I can’t help her pay for her college education.

Thinking

My 35 lb dog trying to yank something out of my other 80 lb dog’s mouth is perhaps the saddest display of self-delusion I have ever seen.

Thinking

I thank God EVERY DAY that I didn’t marry Jessica Simpson.

Thinking

If the baby in my womb has its legs crossed during tomorrow’s ultrasound, I am totally going to put him/her into a time-out.

Thinking

I know I’m supposed to feel pregnant and sexy, but right now all I feel is pregnant and water retention efficient.

Thinking

Eating an entire jar of dill pickles right before bed really isn’t a good idea if you have “sleeping through the night” anywhere on your agenda.

Thinking

If I could take a bath in fry sauce I TOTALLY WOULD.

Thinking

For the first time in my life I have an ass.

Thinking

Surprisingly, being pregnant has done nothing for my complete and total aversion to anything two-years old, snotty, and prone to repeating “ball” over and over and over again.

Thinking

TIVO was made so that you can rewind “Entertainment Tonight” and watch Beyoncé’s ass jiggle in slow motion.

Thinking

That I don’t find this offensive pretty much means I’ve lost any chance I had a being a punk rock mom.

Thinking

In homage to the passing of Buddy Ebsen, I’m going to come clean and finally reveal that the real name of the dog in this post was indeed Buddy Ebsen. It’s important to note that we can’t refer to him as just Buddy, because the dog’s name is BUDDY EBSEN.

Thinking

If stubbing toes were an olympic sport, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who could out-stub The Armstrongs from the USA in the international couples freestyle.

Thinking

I still think Martha Stewart could kick Bob Vila’s ass any day of the week.

Thinking

EVERYTHING SMELLS BAD.

Thinking

According to this scientific study, I must be pregnant with 15 boys.

Thinking

I know you may think I have forgotten, but I totally haven’t forgotten that THUD would make a great baby name.

Thinking

It’s officially time to break out the Utah Baby Namer.

Thinking

I should never have attempted that aerobic workout to the soundtrack of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s Greatest Hits.

Thinking

Although a Diet Coke doesn’t necessarily cancel out french fries, it does leave more room for a Frosty.

Thinking

I have officially determined that sushi burps are even worse than having to smell my dog’s feet.

Thinking

This morning I rediscovered the magic that is “The Price is Right,” and people, life is that much better.

Thinking

Would it be weird to ask for a chainsaw for my birthday?

Thinking

I’m pretty sure that all the empty boxes just sitting in piles on our front porch are the first clue to our new neighbors that Sanford and Son have moved in next door.

Thinking

For a second there I thought I put the new cordless phone into the warshing machine with all the towels, and all I could think was, how am I going to convince my husband that it’s the dog’s fault the phone doesn’t work?

Thinking

When Mormons talk about Kolob, that magical, heavenly place where God lives, I’m pretty sure they’re just talking about Super Target.

Thinking

I really hope my dog gets me flowers for Mother’s Day.

Thinking

Don’t mind me and my hormones, we’ll get back to being ONE PEACHY PERSON real soon.

Thinking

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I REALLY like typing in ALL CAPS lately. It’s SO MUCH FUCKING FUN.

Thinking

God, how I miss Jillian Barberie.

Thinking

If I never again see a can of paint for as long as I live it will be TOO FUCKING SOON.

Thinking

It’s a super-duper dog who will humor me by lying on his new Costco bed even though he’d much rather be outside humping the dog nextdoor.

Thinking

It’s cute that you want to sit next to me and rest your fuzzy head on my knees and that you want me to scratch your belly, but I’m constipated and your being in here is not helping.

Thinking

Now that the parents are out of town for the weekend it’s time to watch rated “R” movies and drink Coca-Cola with TOTAL WRECKLESS ABANDON.

Thinking

I wonder if clipping my toenails in my step-father’s bed might make things a little more peaceful around here. He’d totally love that.

Thinking

Who knew that trying to make babies could be so fun?

Thinking

I’ve officially run out of elbows and knees to knock into that damn dresser. Tomorrow I’ll just use my forehead.

Thinking

Just because I’m putting on my shoes does not mean I’m taking you for a walk, so stop looking at me like that.

Thinking

I shouldn’t admit publicly that I used to think “period pieces” were movies about menstruation.

Thinking

With a wireless internet connection you don’t ever have to leave the bed. Now, how do we get the dog a wireless bladder?

Thinking

Who needs a winter wardrobe when the world has warm husbands?

Thinking

You know they mean business in Iraq when they preempt American Idol.

Thinking

When I get insurance, I’m going to make up illnesses and go to the doctor just because I can.

Thinking

What is it with my dog and the cardboard toilet paper roll?

Thinking

There will be trampolines in heaven.

Thinking

Thank GOD I wasn’t Married by America.

Thinking

Never again will I take for granted a hairless kitchen floor.

Thinking

"Trading Spaces" on TLC is the most horrifying show in the history of television.

Thinking

Is it really that easy to confuse "Heifer" with "Heather" ?

Thinking

Am I the only one in this relationship who has to pee?

Thinking

Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Mix

Thinking

I never thought I could actually drink three cases of Diet Dr. Pepper, but sadly, I've proven myself wrong.

Thinking

I am going to marry the coolest man on earth with the best smelling neck on earth.

Thinking

I promise never to eat the big piece of chicken.

Thinking

I'm officially addicted to salsa. Someone stop me.

Thinking

I'd like it if Dan Rather used the word "probe" more often.

Thinking

I am ashamed to admit that I had nothing to do with Britney and Justin's breakup.

Thinking

My God, I've grown boobs. When did this happen?

Thinking

I will never again take for granted my ability to poop.

Thinking

Which horizontal surface should I nap on today? The choices are overwhelming.

Thinking

I should have stolen more office supplies when I had the chance. Bugger!

Thinking

Clinical studies have shown that 7 grams of Metamucil tastes like absolute shit.

Thinking

My maternal instinct has suddenly and violently turned into maternal psychosis.

Thinking

Armstrong is going to be a bitchin last name. It'll be like, I'm somehow related to Neil. Although not really.

Thinking

I wonder if Oasis plays weddings?

Thinking

So this is what being engaged feels like.

Thinking

Bill O'Reilly needs an enema.

Thinking

About Nicole Kidman's ass.

Thinking

If Britney isn't performing at the Superbowl, what's the point?

Thinking

The box says 11 servings, but by my calculations, I'd say it's only 2 servings.

Thinking

I am doll eyes, doll mouth, doll farts.

Thinking

I love Jon Armstrong.

Thinking

It is cold today in LA. I want my money back.

Thinking

I wish I could CTRL-Z the gel I put in my hair.

Thinking

Halle Berry's collarbone has "rub me with butter" written all over it.

Thinking

Do you hear that? Yeah, that's my biological clock, and it's angry.

Thinking

Should I be this excited for another season of "The Real World" ? Yes, I thought so, too.

Thinking

Note to self: One can eat too many leafy green vegetables.

Thinking

Could someone please tell Britney that she shouldn't appear fully clothed in public? I'm hurting over here.

Thinking

Thou shalt not enter Amoeba Music with a credit card and the will to use it.

Thinking

When I grow up I want to be Redman.

Thinking

The world just doesn't need a movie about sled dogs who can talk.

Thinking

I really really hope he didn't get me socks for Christmas.

Thinking

Do I look like I know anything about fantasy football? I didn't think so.

Thinking

Two bowls of Grape Nuts will give you some serious gas. Just so you know.

Thinking

What I wouldn't do for a Klondike Bar.

Thinking

If I can resist the urge to pick my nose in the car, why can't everyone else?

Thinking

The only actor worth $20 million a film is Britney, and it had better damn well be porn.

Thinking

When three shots of espresso have no noticeable effect on your energy level, it's time for professional help.

Thinking

My doctor said I have veins perfect for heroin injection. Isn't that, like, illegal or something?

Thinking

At what point did you think making a left turn from the far right lane was a good idea?

Thinking

It's about time I took a Happy Hour disguised as a lunch hour.

Thinking

The world simply needs more Britney. I know I do.

Thinking

If sleeping were an Olympic sport, I would be sponsored by Serta.

Thinking

I blame Jason Kottke.

Thinking

I'm certain Hell is just one big everlasting beveled drop shadow.

Thinking

Brtiney Spears is all growed up.

Thinking

I enjoy it when people stop being polite and start getting real!

Thinking

Did you hear that scream? Yeah, that was me.

Thinking

I'll ëproductizeí your ass is what I'll do.

Thinking

Your cat is dumb and ugly.

Thinking

I have reason to believe that my plants are planning a revolt.

Thinking

If I use kosher salt, does that make me Jewish?

Thinking

I'm not smiling. It's just indigestion.

Thinking

Whose idea was it to make mornings so early in the morning?

Thinking

Is it me, or is George W. Bush really Rosco P. Coltrane masquerading as the President?

Thinking

Should I be this excited for the season premier of "Felicity" ?

Thinking

Why can't I just do as I'm told?

Thinking

It is not possible to spend less than $200 at Costco per visit.

Thinking

Are there cubicles in heaven?

Thinking

If he cracks his knuckles again, I may have to thump him in the head with a box of post-its.

Thinking

Are you going to eat that french fry?

Thinking

My boss just called me a bitch. Should I be worried?

Thinking

My boss just called me a bitch. Should I be worried?

Thinking

I refuse to genericize my template.

Thinking

What am I going to do with 36 rolls of toilet paper?

Thinking

Happiness is clean sheets.

Thinking

Life is too short. Drink Jack Daniels.

Thinking

Kurt Loder is older than Jesus.

Thinking

I shouldn't have eaten that entire pan of Rice Krispie Treats.

Thinking

Vanilla ice cream is good for you. It has beans in it. And we all know about beans.

Thinking

Amazing what a little sleep can do for your mood. Well, sleep and a few prescription meds, if you really want to know..

Thinking

I really can't get enough of this super Golden Crisp. It's got this... this... crunch with punch.

Thinking

I really can't get enough of this super Golden Crisp. It's got this... this... crunch with punch.

Thinking

Maybe I do need bigger boobs.

Thinking

My Honda of Hollywood Service Team really loves me. All they want to do is serve me better. Does your service team love you?

Thinking

I wonder if she'll notice that I've taken the track ball out of her mouse, and when she finally does, will she know it's me? Will she know I secretly yearn to have her scream and slap me silly?

Thinking

I've got deliverables coming down my pike, landing on my plate and pushing me offline, outside the scope and up to the next level.

Thinking

C-A-L-L A-T-T! C-A-L-L A-T-T!

Thinking

I shouldn't have had that seventh slice of cantaloupe.

Thinking

Sho no doo be cooking, in my book.

Thinking

Oprah is such a bitch.

Thinking

Open mouth, insert huge goddamned foot.

Thinking

Shouldn't have had that last tequila shot.

Shouldn't have had that fourth bowl of wheaties.

Thinking

Pillows are cool.

Thinking

I have reason to believe that Martha Stewart is stalking me.

Thinking

One banana, good. Two bananas, not good.

What's a wonderwall anyway?

Thinking

What does it feel like for a girl?

Thinking

The average age and origin of men in Las Vegas: 24, Hoboken.

Thinking

How did I get talked into signing up for an Old Navy credit card?

Why is peanut butter so good, so very very good?

Thinking

What are pickles, really?

Thinking

I wonder if men ever get as bloated as a sinking ship sending out mayday signals.

Will Liam Gallagher love me as much as I love him?

Thinking

What does The Rock have cooking?

Thinking

I should probably shoplift something before I die.

Why do I daydream about Rod Stewart in inappropriate positions?