How to Charm Me

Make a humming noise while you eat your feet because feet are, like, so delicious.

How to Charm Me

Try to take a bite out of Leta’s stuffed duck and run away whimpering when it quacks at you, you stupid stuffed duck-eating dog.

How to Charm Me

Volunteer to “brush me on the porch” so that all the hair I’m losing doesn’t build up on the floors inside.

How to Charm Me

Tell me that your fart isn’t going to stink because … you’re magic!

How to Charm Me

Say that you are “thh-free years old” because you just learned how to make the TH sound.

How to Charm Me

Make a baby monitor that is so good that I can hear the sound of my baby’s hair growing in the other room.

How to Charm Me

Refer to our daughter as a ripe berry on the grumpy tree.

How to Charm Me

Suggest that in ten years we renew our wedding vowels.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for obsessively picking the boogers out of your nose.

How to Charm Me

Fart in the tub and then look at us like That wasn’t me, that was the OTHER baby in this tub.

How to Charm Me

Pronounce “haute couture” as “hoe coo toe” because you just don’t know any better.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for only now removing my ex-boyfriend’s name off the title of the car you drive to work everyday to support this family. You are a fucking saint.

How to Charm Me

Send me an email in which you mean to refer to me as a blogger, but instead refer to me as a booger.

How to Charm Me

Love me even though I wake up in the morning looking like a chubby eight year old boy who cried himself to sleep.

How to Charm Me

Come out of a funeral home bathroom and say, “This place belongs on your website.”

How to Charm Me

Have a dream about my belly being covered entirely by a tattoo of a “17th century painting of an English farm with some animals in the yard and a great barley field around it.” That’s the BEST dream about my belly EVER, and I don’t even know you.

How to Charm Me

Tell me to recompile my kernel. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like a lot of fun.

How to Charm Me

Love me despite the fact that you can’t tell whether that was me burping or the sound of a three-ton snow plow driving by our house.

How to Charm Me

Promise to put away your butt crack when the neighbors show up.

How to Charm Me

Ask me, “Aunt Heather, how do you spell TV?”

How to Charm Me

Inform me in a tender, diplomatic way, with only the slightest urge to question whether or not I actually graduated from college, that there is no such word as trajesty.

How to Charm Me

Describe Paige Davis as “that woman who crawled out of Satan’s ass.”

How to Charm Me

As I walk into the room shifting my enormous weight from one leg to the other, refer to me as your “hot waddler.”

How to Charm Me

Try not to laugh when in a fit of rage (and obviously suffering from a severe case of placenta brain) I refer to someone as a “tight-ass core hunt.”

How to Charm Me

Nickname our dog “The Onanistic Fellatiator.”

How to Charm Me

Agree to go to my 10-yr high school reunion with me, even though everyone there is going to be Southern, inarticulate, and eerily well-versed on the intricacies of NASCAR.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for calling you at work when I’m right in the middle of peeing.

How to Charm Me

Let me use your torso as a body pillow.

How to Charm Me

Threaten to go to work in nothing but your Joe Boxer underwear and black dress socks. That’s a look I can get behind.

How to Charm Me

Sing Journey songs to my belly because, naturally, we’ve got to get this baby started early.

How to Charm Me

Warn me about the dangers of “fecal alcohol poisoning.”

How to Charm Me

Love me so much that you’re willing to wash your feet before you come to bed, because you know that at that moment, washing your feet is the ONLY THING IN THE WORLD that will make me feel better.

How to Charm Me

Warn me before you fart. It’s the simple things, really.

How to Charm Me

Resist the urge to yank the sauerkraut out of my trembling hands when you’ve just witnessed how much sauerkraut I’ve eaten in the last 10 minutes.

How to Charm Me

Assure me that I’m not yet showing even though I CAN‘T ZIP UP MY FAVORITE JEANS. OH MY GOD.

How to Charm Me

Resist the natural urge to be horrified as I eat my serving, your serving, and the entire country of Uruguay’s serving of refried beans at dinner.

How to Charm Me

Wiggle your fingers in glee as we discover we scored tickets to Radiohead!

How to Charm Me

Argue with yourself in the shower, again and again, over whether or not it’s “Yo” or “Yao.”

How to Charm Me

Undertand that I NEED that potato salad like no one has ever needed potato salad in the history of the world.

How to Charm Me

Tell me that it’s perfectly normal to want to bathe myself in french fries, oh! life-giving french fries!

How to Charm Me

Ask me with genuine 5-yr old concern why my dog’s “front bottom” is pink and sticking out.

How to Charm Me

Pretend not to notice that I’m so bloated it looks as if my butt has crawled around to the front side of my body and taken residence in my gut.

How to Charm Me

Feed me four Krispy Creme doughnuts at 10pm. You’re a bad, bad man.

How to Charm Me

Give me one of those adorable baby kisses, with the half-open mouth and snot drizzling out of both nostrils.

How to Charm Me

Point out to a car full of adults, including your Grandma and Grandpa, that your mommy has fur on her bottom!

How to Charm Me

Watch with me in amusement as we stand there and let the dog try to attack and kill the sprinkler head.

How to Charm Me

Start speaking with a hint of a British accent just because we’re probably watching WAY too much BBC America.

How to Charm Me

Wear that cute surgeon’s mask while mowing the lawn. It’s just so authoritative.

How to Charm Me

Frogive me for still knowing every word to that Jodi Watley song.

How to Charm Me

Comfort me by holding me and whispering gently in my ear, “One box at a time, baby. One box at a time.”

How to Charm Me

Start fetching things like a real dog. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME.

How to Charm Me

Feel no shame in going with me to the grocery store to buy nothing but beer, tampons, and People magazine.

How to Charm Me

Pretend that I didn’t just back up and stick my entire foot into that open can of paint.

How to Charm Me

Surprise me with an advance copy of the new Radiohead album. It’s like Christmas!

How to Charm Me

Hold my hand tightly when the finance guy says, “Oh, by the way, before you sign these papers, we need a check for 3% of the house’s final selling price,” and catch me when I pass out.

How to Charm Me

Tell my 5-yr old nephew that you’re going to eat one of his Chicken McNuggets and listen to him SCREAM. That never stops being funny.

How to Charm Me

Love me even though my entire face is so horrifyingly splotchy from incessant crying that I look like a walking pepperoni pizza.

How to Charm Me

Tell the 4-yr old girl you just met at the McDonald’s play area that you are going to play the son and she is going to play the Momma who whips your bottom.

How to Charm Me

Try to look all innocent with giant pink stains on your paws, belly, tongue and all over the underside of your snout.

How to Charm Me

Assure me that I have muscles, even though I know that these little things on my arms are really just tendons.

How to Charm Me

Hug me before you hug the dog even though he’s so excited you’re finally home from work that he’s jumped up on your back and wrapped his paws around your head.

How to Charm Me

Suggest that the reason one of the men on “Married by America” is so grumpy is because “he isn’t getting any in the pooper.”

How to Charm Me

Assure me that my family really is insane and that it’s not just me.

How to Charm Me

Don’t freak out when the heat from my sleeping body singes the hair off your chest and begins cooking your internal organs.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for loudly saying “fuck” and “shit” and “Holy God” in front of your 3-yrd old son.

How to Charm Me

Lie on the floor on your back, and when I come sit down unexpectedly on your belly let out a squeaky fart as if you are my own personal 185 lb whoopee cushion.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for accidentally destroying the return envelope for the NETFLIX DVD. I‘ve just never been good with perforation.

How to Charm Me

Bite my nose and then look all innocent.

How to Charm Me

Kiss me with your perfect, precious puppy breath.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for eating all of the crêpe we were supposed to share. I can be such a bitch.

How to Charm Me

Understand that food on your plate tastes better than food on my plate.

How to Charm Me

Resort to patently juvenile tactics when vying for a spot on my charm list.

How to Charm Me

Assure me that my little boobs will never sag like Gwyneth's little saggers.

How to Charm Me

Suggest that Dick Cheney is hiding out in Jennifer Lopez's hair.

How to Charm Me

Love me even though I've cleaned everything twice with an anality that would drive most mortals away screaming.

How to Charm Me

Join me in doing the Leprechaun Dance. It's a lot like the Neutron Dance.

How to Charm Me

Resist the urge to point out the fact that I can't stop talking.

How to Charm Me

Refer to my Dad, your future father-in-law, as "Mike From Tennessee."

How to Charm Me

Grin and bear the fact that, yes, I do in fact have to sleep with five separate pillows strategically placed at various angles across the bed.

How to Charm Me

Try to defend your leather clogs. You're cute when you're exasperated.

How to Charm Me

Accept the fact that our children are going to have legs longer than the average support beam in a four-story apartment building.

How to Charm Me

Blame your farts on the elephants. It's those damn elephants again.

How to Charm Me

Send me email suggesting alternative ways to cure my constipation.

How to Charm Me

Love me even though I keep you up all night by loudly coughing up chunks of my right lung.

How to Charm Me

Point out that now I can nap all goddamn day long.

How to Charm Me

Admit that you watch C-SPAN voluntarily.

How to Charm Me

Admit that you can't help but love "The Real World." Welcome to the Dark Side.

How to Charm Me

Deny that you're stoned when you're, like, really really stoned.

How to Charm Me

Bowls and bowls and bowls of Lucky Charms.

How to Charm Me

Nominate Nicole Kidman for an Academy award. Next step: convince her to do porn.

How to Charm Me

Fix my tire. This marriage thing is going to work out just fine.

How to Charm Me

Blame the crumbs I found in the bed on Cookie Monster.

How to Charm Me

Help me remain calm when the Style Network airs a 30 minute special on Gisele Bundchen and her boobs.

How to Charm Me

Mail a bag of pot through the USPS and try to disguise the smell with incense.

How to Charm Me

Blame your farts on the little people in our cabinets doing an assortment of construction work.

How to Charm Me

Comfort me during the 4.2 earthquake that was so spooky I was sure it had killed the entire state of California.

How to Charm Me

Tell me you think I look pretty even though I know I look like a bloated, mushy cow.

How to Charm Me

Code HTML while wearing nothing but your underwear and black socks.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for being shitfaced and belligerent simultaneously.

How to Charm Me

Sneak two cans of Coke into a movie via your two very small front pockets.

How to Charm Me

Yell, "I hate you, beans! I hate you, beans!" at the beans because, really, you love them.

How to Charm Me

Return from Sundance and ask, "Is it me, or do those Mormon people have some weird pale coloration thing going on?"

How to Charm Me

Blame your farts on the little people who live in our walls.

How to Charm Me

Imitate Rachel Ashwell from "Shabby Chic" pleading with her assistant, "Shall I fuck you rotten? Right here alongside this rustic chimney cabinet?"

How to Charm Me

Remark to a table of your peers, "Daniel Boone was the one who fought at the Alamo, right?"

How to Charm Me

Resist the urge to laugh uncontrollably when with sweeping dramatic flair and sincerity I compare the sunset to the second coming of Jesus Christ.

How to Charm Me

In response to my morning sweat-knotted fro sticking in perpendicular branches out from my forehead, remark, "Cute!"

How to Charm Me

Use the phrase "bless us that we'll be good" 11 times during the same prayer.

How to Charm Me

Sit still for the hour that it takes me to cut the four mile thicket of forest that is your hair.

How to Charm Me

Tell your mother that you learned how to belch from Aunt Heather.

How to Charm Me

Heckle every trailer before the feature presentation, pissing off every "serious actor" in the audience, which turned out to be 98% of the audience.

How to Charm Me

Your definition of dressing up is ironing a Def Leppard T-shirt and breaking out the anti-perspirant.

How to Charm Me

Let me substitute your chest hair for the missing loofah in the shower.

How to Charm Me

Turn stray IKEA hardware into a sadomasochistic sex costume and dance about, all while I'm on the phone with my strictly republican father.

How to Charm Me

Share in my horror as we stare at an empty box of kosher salt.

How to Charm Me

Exert a characteristically homosexual flare for holiday decoration even though you are consummately straight.

How to Charm Me

Watch 12 hours of fashion television without once asking to check the scores on ESPN.

How to Charm Me

Resist the urge to giggle when I slam my forehead into the dresser and temporarily blackout.

How to Charm Me

You're four years old and the word "diarrhea" is the funniest thing you've ever heard.

How to Charm Me

You're four years old and you describe the taste of Diet Coke as "potent".

How to Charm Me

When describing your esophagus, refer to it as your "sarcophagus" because you don't know any better.

How to Charm Me

Play two Radiohead videos, back-to-back. Digital cable IS worth $85 a month!

How to Charm Me

Walk around the house barefoot wearing gray sweatpants that hit you mid-calf and a $450 Kenneth Cole black leather jacket because, naturally, it's cold in here.

How to Charm Me

Offer me a platinum card with a credit line up to $100,000. I can now buy that house I've always wanted!

How to Charm Me

Climb onto my lap, sniff my ears, circle around until you're dizzy, and then rest your wet puppy nose on my knee, as if you really were a puppy instead of a 185 pound grown man.

How to Charm Me

When I ask you to kiss my ass, make an attempt to do just that, in front of your older sister and her three kids.

How to Charm Me

Spare me potential asphyxiation from your broccoli farts by promptly leaving the room.

How to Charm Me

Let me shave your toes.

How to Charm Me

When your retarded cat begins terrorizing the other cats, shut him in your top sock drawer.

How to Charm Me

Understand that Texans cannot, will not, and should not be considered real Southerners.

How to Charm Me

Assign gender roles to your various audio equipment.

How to Charm Me

Resist the urge to freak out once you find out just how cold my feet really are.

How to Charm Me

Don't make fun of me when the final scene in this week's "Felicity" leaves me huddled in a quivering, sobbing mess.

How to Charm Me

Stand with me in the soap aisle at the grocery store, test-smelling every brand of dishwashing liquid until we're both high on fresh mountain scents.

How to Charm Me

Swing dance with me in the middle of the street. In Glendale.

How to Charm Me

When I misplace my wallet, you resist the urge to remind me that such dim-witted idiocy is my own pet peeve.

How to Charm Me

Let me hit the snooze button seven times in the same hour.

How to Charm Me

Unscrew the lid to the pickle jar with your big, bear-like hands.

How to Charm Me

Let me eat all the chunks out of the cookies 'n cream.

How to Charm Me

Suggest that I store a pillow in my car for afternoon naps. You're a thinker!

How to Charm Me

Don't appear horrified when I proceed to eat twice as much as you do.

How to Charm Me

Fold the laundry that I've left in the dryer. Neighbors aren't supposed to be so humane.

How to Charm Me

Tell me you like my beans. I make real good beans.

How to Charm Me

Tell the cashier at The Gap that you've come to mop their floors.

How to Charm Me

Still eat the cookies I baked at 475 degrees when they were supposed to be baked at 375. The dial on the oven was all fuzzy.

How to Charm Me

Assure me that Temptation Island will return for an encore season.

How to Charm Me

Let me win when we wrestle.

How to Charm Me

Point at your 3 year old cousin's penis and say, "Daddy has a little one just like that."

How to Charm Me

Immitate a dog eating Crunchy Corn Bran.

How to Charm Me

Feed me Corn Pops while heckling TRL.

How to Charm Me

Hang pictures on the wall with an anal precision rivaling that of brain surgery.

How to Charm Me

Don't freak out when I do that brake-at-the-last-second maneuver in the Doocemobile Town Car.

How to Charm Me

Force me to eat "Euro-Style" or "slowly" instead of my usual snort-through-the-nose approach.

How to Charm Me

Talk to yourself when you think no one is listening. I heard everything.

How to Charm Me

Bring your dumb dog to work and let me watch him run head first into the clear glass wall of the conference room.

How to Charm Me

Talk like a limey. Constantly.

How to Charm Me

Wear that great smelling deodorant, I could put my face in your armpit all day.

How to Charm Me

Pretend not to notice that I've tripped over my own foot and landed headfirst into your cubicle.

How to Charm Me

Unclog my drains.

How to Charm Me

You're three years old and you know how to use the word "sickening."

How to Charm Me

Scratch my back. It itches.

How to Charm Me

Hug me without the gratuitous back patting.