Pictorial Recap of a Very Hurtful Holiday
This is my cousin discovering the new habit of walking around with his pants pulled down around his ankles.
This is Jon silently freaking out at the price of water ($4.00/bottle) on the room service menu at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
This is the green chair in our room at the Hard Rock. Other than the gigantic semen stain on the right side of the cushion, it was a very comfortable chair.
This is the bed in our room at the Hard Rock. It reminds me of a bed you might see in a really creepy scene from a Kubrick movie.
This is really creepy me taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror at the Hard Rock. I'm not sure what the "V" on my sweater is supposed to signify, but I think I was pretty successful at convincing everyone that night that it totally stood for "Virgin."
This is the sunrise outside the window at the Hard Rock, because there's no such thing as a sunset in Las Vegas.
This is our friend Pat (on the left) and Kent (on the right) outside the Mormon temple in St. George, Utah, about an hour and a half from Las Vegas. Pat was getting married and was about to end a 32-year streak of not getting any.
This is me and our friend Velia outside the St. George Temple reenacting the sacred ceremonies performed within.
This is Velia's nine month old baby, Miles. You can't really tell from this photo, but that kid's head smelled just like vanilla ice cream and I almost ate him.
This is our friend Pat and his lovely new bride Rebecca, right after exchanging vows inside the temple. Notice the heavenly glow about the heavenly couple. It must be God.
This is The Dirty Three: me, Jon, and Sam outside the temple. However, Sam was clean enough that they let him inside the temple.
This is our friend Mike and sometimes he is a pimp.
This is our friend Mike and our new friend Nick. Sometimes Nick is a disco ball.
This me and scrumptious bearded Armstrong, moments before the Absolut Kurant hit like a motherfuking truck.
This is me trying earnestly to be as pimp-like as Mike. I want to be like Mike.
This is Jon telling me, baby, you should really stop trying to be like Mike.
This is me singing Britney's "Hit Me Baby One More Time" on the karoake machine, moments after the Absolut Kurant hit me like a motherfucking truck.
This is Jon singing Charlie Daniel's Band "Devil Went Down to Georgia" on the karaoke machine. I'd say the Absolut Kurant hit him more like an economy-size Toyota than a motherfucking truck, but we all can't hold our liquor like an Armstrong, now can we.
This is me taking a photo of Jon because he was just so cute and because I was just so drunk.
This is Mike singing Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" on the karaoke machine.
This is a group of random people at this great karoake party. I can't remember any of their names.
This is more random people. I think I remember the blonde girl on the right talking earlier in the night about how her dress was cutting off her fucking circulation at her fucking underarms, and then she apologized to her niece who was sitting across the room, so fucking sorry for saying fuck. I really think I should hang out with her more.
This is me singing the bassline to Cher's "Believe" because I was too drunk to get actual words out. And there is the fucking underarm circulation lady. She totally rocks.
This is Mike and we love him dearly.
-- All photos by Jon and Heather Armstrong, except for the one of The Dirty Three, that one was taken by a 2-year old.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. yesno0001 said:
In the next to last pic, what the hell is that on your pants? (Luv the pix, BTW.) And is that Matthew Perry gazing up at you?
2. Anonymous said:
Happy New Year!
3. Sarah B. said:
When I grow up, I want to be you.
4. Ryan said:
11.jpg looks like an indie rock album cover.
You guys should form an indie rock band.
5. Jie said:
hi! found you through a random domain search. i'm loving your site already! ;-) quick hello from british columbia.
6. tumble said:
I could be way off base on this, but judging by yours and Jon's blue zip-up sweaters, you guys are like, one step away from matching track suits.
7. kgjbnme said:
oh. my. god. still gagging at the thought (and sight, thanks) of the gigantic semen stain...
8. Ariel said:
What is it about babies and their damn Vanilla smelling heads? Babycrack. Babycrack! They do it on purpose, I swear.
9. Shan said:
Heather, you're so fucking adorable. I appologize for any underage children who read this. I'm fucking sorry for saying "fuck". ;)
10. Bryan said:
How did the Absolut Kurant hit Chuck?
11. Jen said:
Happy New Year. Looks like you had a really great time, but what is that on your pants?
12. rosebaby said:
i laughed out loud at the first karaoke pic of you. absolut funniness. happy new year. and oh yeah, you need to get to reproducing. or something. you shouldn't eat other people's kids, only your own.
13. Glovia said:
Hopefully next New Years we'll see photos of your own vanilla baby (with no licks or bite marks, of course).
14. Lex said:
Good news, Dooce -- if you keep 'em clean, babies' heads keep smelling that way well into their 2nd year. If I didn't think it would bring Social Services down on my head, I'd say that sniffing my 22-month-old son's' head while he reclines on my chest with his bedtime milk is one of the highlights of my day.
I've never wanted to eat him, though. Should you see a professional about that?
Happy New Year.
15. Amy said:
Great pictures, as always. I'm loving the dirty three.
16. melanie said:
is mike single? mmm... cute.
17. the mighty jimbo said:
i would sell a kidney to be half as cool as you dooce.
beware of spending too much time around vanilla scented babies who smile a lot while you are in love. it puts baaaaad thoughts in your head. when those thoughts happen it's best to pinch the baby to hear the screams you will have to endure should you succumb to those vanilla scented urges or motherhood. but if you ever pinch *my* darling vanilla scented babies i am likely to smack you senseless. if you can resist just wait until changing time. it's also a potent antidote to that hypnotic vanilla scent.
18. e said:
just wanted to say that i love the pink pigs. thanks for the endless entertainment, really. happy new year!
19. six30 said:
OMG. I enjoyed every photo! You all had tons of fun.
20. April said:
I would love to hear the soundtrack of you and your friend Velia outside the St. George Temple reenacting the sacred ceremonies performed within.
21. Paul Gutman said:
At first I thought the pigs had wings and you'd gone back to ways o' Utah.
The pictures reassured me that Dooce continues doocily along.
22. rd said:
My God, how does your cousin's mother get those floors so shiny?
23. Xanthan said:
Bless you for posting photos, Dooce. You're gifted with a lens and shutter.
Is your cousin with his pants around his ankles, perhaps, just prepping for his potty room activity and dropping trou' in route? You know, so like he wastes no time once he gets there? Cute kids in your family, and yet none of your relatives are married to Blurbolucious Armstrong. I shudder to think of the cute-ocity of those Armstrong offspring. Get to it!
24. occasional kate said:
getting presents after the holidays rocks. i like mike's - eh, your - eh, the glasses. definitely rockin' pimp glasses.
25. Kyle said:
I think that 2-year-old definitely has a future in photography. And you should so form a band, who wouldn't want to listen to The Dirty Three?
26. slackjaw said:
yea the head smells pretty good for the first few years.
THen they start to smell like pee...
27. nicole said:
dude, you are SO bananarama
28. pretty_paranoia said:
i dont know about anyone else but i wanna do karoake now. happy new year dooce, hope its a good one!
29. Sarah B. said:
Dirty Three is already a band, y'all. That was the joke.
30. meredith said:
omg. dooce, what is on your pants in that second to last picture?
is the internet filled with pervs lately? or am i just drunk? or can i say: "people, get over it. jeans sometimes have spots. or perhaps miss dooce set a beer can on her leg, which gave off some sweat."
christ. not every site on the internet is for pron.
31. meredith said:
fine, i am drunk! but still. what is with the pervs!!
32. Kris said:
The pictures are great -- as always. So why was it such a hurtful Christmas?? :(
33. shy said:
you are so pimp-daddy!
34. the non-tracksuited husband said:
I'd say we're an RV and twelve grandkids away from the tracksuit(s).
35. jenn said:
I would give away any extra organ to be half as cool as dooce. The pictures, as usual, are above par.
36. arrancia said:
how random - i clicked on your site from butt-nekkid's site, and saw your pics at the temple. i'm in salt lake (though not a mormon, praise be), and laughed my ass off at how small this world is! great pics, though.
37. arrancia said:
um, is mike from bountiful, utah? swear to god, he looks like someone i graduated with.
38. kd said:
the track suits come much sooner -- maybe after the second or third vanilla-headed baby.
it starts with dog-decorating. it's a slippery slope.
39. yesno0001 said:
Meredith wrote, "not every site on the internet is for pron." Well, if that's the case, then the terrorists have already won.
40. Kevin said:
You as Mike rocks.
41. Dirtious said:
Where are the old old archives? bring back the angry dooce on the "go pill!"
Thanks
42. meegan said:
heather, you are the cutest thing since... i don't know what, hehee.
43. L.A. Grump said:
I'll never stay at the Hard Rock again. On the wall behind the front desk are the words "Here we are now, entertain us. - Kurt Cobain" That's so fucking deep, man. Blow me.
44. Lynnette said:
Heather -- I ran across your site last year in April or so. I really enjoyed it, and was bummed when you took it offline. I just re-discovered your site this week, and was glad that you've revived it. Good luck in Utah!
45. Alex said:
I may just have to go over there to steal your "V" sweater, but first I'll have to kiss your absolutely fucking adorable forehead....then I'll take the sweater and run!
46. axl said:
man are you people good-looking.
47. sheila said:
i have a piggy bank that looks something like your cute pigs. i keep my wheat pennies in it.
48. Kerry said:
Dooce, you are such a total babe. I thought it was impossible for anyone to look hot while doing kareoke, but you and Mister Armstrong totally pulled it off. You guys should have your own kareoke porn or something.
49. Vera said:
My boyfriend's forehead smells just like a baby's head. Why make a new one when I already got one?
50. Anonymous said:
The heavenly couple: Pat looks like he knows the streak is about to end, while Rebecca has a look on her face as if the thought has just dawned on her that she is about to become a human pin-cushion.
51. jason said:
when i grow up, i want sarah b. to be you.
52. Jenny said:
Wow, this is my fav. set of photos yet! I can't get over how familiar you look, Heather. Are you from Davis County?
Hay Arrancia, if you are from Bntfl, what high school did you go to? This may just be a dorky UT renioun.
By the way, H, your fucking beautiful.
53. Amanda said:
I have this sudden urge to do some heavy 'under the influence' karaoke.
54. moose said:
Tiny dooce relatives seem to have a thing for bottom systems? Fun pix.
55. angela said:
<3 Good stuff.
56. SnarkyPup said:
Two thoughts:
1) A bottle of water is five bucks at the Sheraton Hotel in New York.
2) The quote from Kurt Cobain at the Hard Rock is a great line when it's in the original song, but stripped of all irony and put on a hotel wall like a quote from fucking Jefferson or something it's just wrong, wrong, wrong.
57. Dirty Silke said:
yay for the temple ritual reinactment scene!! i'd like to see a whole series of those. great photos, great blog. x's and o's
The Silke
58. robyn said:
always good pictures. always good laughs.
59. shotwise said:
sorry 2ce. didn't mean to be mean.
60. peggy said:
Mike looks familiar. I think I bought a Camaro from him in Reno.
61. Lovely said:
Very nice.
62. David said:
First of all I want to know how you *knew* it was semen. Secondly, you're the second woman I've heard say something about the smell of babies heads in 3 days. I'd never heard it before. This worries me.
63. pickle said:
A sight to amuse/interest you... It's about Utah naming traditions! :)
http://www.wesclark.com/ubn/
64. Chris said:
Great pics! It scares me a little that you chose to sing Cher's "Believe," which is a song that drives me absolutely nuts, but it looks like you had an excellent time. (The photo of the kid with the pants around the ankles is pretty goddamn terrific.)
65. lauren said:
dooce...you rock my world.
and you've got great taste in music.
66. lauren said:
oh yes...and have a happy new year :)
67. kath said:
Wonderful pics! I had no idea you were a sunglasses model!
68. nmk said:
Looking at those pictures makes me oh so sad that my new camera didn't arrive on time.
69. blamb said:
Great Pics! Happy New Year!
70. Igor said:
Without wanting to be an absolute pig about this, but since y'all are using the f word as if George Walker is going to take it up into the tax legislation and charge for it next year, I'm surprised you don't see the connection here : a big semen stain in the hotel room of a couple of newlyweds (a good looking guy -although I'm not into guys - and a murderously beautiful woman) and pictures of a vanilla flavored baby. Like hey, could you be more obvious ? Not unless you drove a motherfucking truck over it.
The blond girl also seems quite pleasing, in an appetiser kind of way.
71. Glovia said:
I so did not mean to offend Dooce. I can see how that might be a sensitive spot.
72. david said:
that viewing these photos [there are some nice semi-arty onces in there too...] and listening to 'newness ends' by the new year is like looking at old daguerrotypes in an antique store, at people long gone, there lives forgotten and gone.
73. hollow man said:
Hey, why don't you post a song list of like 200 really good songs?
Because that New Year tune was great, and I have no taste.
74. Miriam said:
I watched a brilliantly titled but very mediocre movie the other night, and was startled by how much you resemble Joan Crawford before she went drag queen. If you ever have a chance to see "The Gorgeous Hussy"... well.