If I had a cell phone, I would make this my ringtone
Three nights ago someone called Jon's cell phone at 2:21 AM and left a strange message that was just too precious to delete. So we encoded it into an MP3, and now I'm posting it here. For the future generations of Earth.
This message needs no explanation, although I should point out that it represents the exact opposite experience that I had in college. And that when I heard it for the first time I felt extremely bitter about that fact. And that I'm pretty sure that when this person left this message he had someone else's underwear on his head.
And that if he had instead called the house at that hour I would have jumped into the car while still wearing my green floral polyester pajamas, driven to his house, and beaten him over the ears with a rolling pin.
Click here to listen to the message from Jon's mysterious gay lover.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Jenorama said:
I think this may have been from my gay cousin Channing, who came out on his mission to Haiti.
2. dancingnancy said:
You know you're hot when BOTH sexes are after you!
3. Smacky said:
He told me about this, haha.
4. SaraSue said:
Ahahahaha! Are you sure that's not George??
5. HDC said:
Hey at least the Monterey Gay Teen Alliance doesn't have Jon's phone number accidentally listed as their support hotline. My husband gets some reaaaally odd calls because of that snafu.
6. jon deal said:
I used to have a cell phone that seemed to dial people at random. (Bad, bad button, placement, Nokia!) Lots of folks got voice mail or calls from me, singing bad 80s tunes at the top of my lungs while I was driving someplace.
7. statia said:
I got a drunk dial message a few years back that I blogged because drunk dials that are the wrong number are awesome.
8. starrynite said:
Hehe, that was good. Although I wouldn't have been impressed to have been woken up by that! I got a random wrong-number text the other day from someone asking if they could adopt me as their mum (well, not me, the intended recipient obviously). How bizarre!
9. bellabugs_mom said:
Surely if Jon were gay he would have much better taste in clogs... They just scream raging heterosexual husband with bad taste.
10. Elizabeth M. Johnson said:
Lucky Jon.
11. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I'm guessing that guy isn't Mormon. Either that, or he is Mormon, and he was pretty darn proud of himself that he was drunk and had to let Joanie know about it.
12. HollyRhea.com said:
Yeah, my experiences like that only happened after I became a parent.
13. Butterme said:
One of the cell phone companies here in Australia has an option where you can block outgoing calls for up to four numbers, just for the evening. It's to cover your arse from making those stupid calls to your ex-boyfriend, boss, mother, etc when you are three sheets to the wind. I think it should be a standard feature in all mobile phones.
14. shannwa said:
Did the guy say "Hey Joanie" or "Hey Johnny"? I couldn't make it out for sure. Luckily I haven't made any drunk dial calls in the recent past...but in the distant past, oh my...
15. Phreakinred said:
Hey there... No witty comment here. Just a request - you're popular with deaf readers too so if you can transcribe that oh-so-hilarious voice mail, it would be very much appreciated!
On the bright side, at least I don't have to wish I could poke pencils into my ears when someone does an annoying braying laugh.
16. goddesschristine said:
oh ho my! Was the side of Jon's face covered in glitter after listening to that?
17. Trisha said:
I had a hard time understanding it - but isn't that annoying when people do that in the middle of the night? It's scary and so annoying if you can't get back to sleep.
18. srah said:
Did he say "I'm drunk" or "I'm Chuck"? Maybe your dog has acquired the power of speech. While drunk. And wearing someone else's underwear on his head.
19. Amy Mingo said:
I love phone pranks and ooopes. In college we used to be able to see into the boys dorm across the way at night. When they were in their kitchen, we would call their room and hang up JUST as they reached the door. We could do this over and over and they never caught on. I think with the advent of the cell phone we have lost some of the phone's original appeal.
20. Sarcomical said:
it's cute how happy he was declaring his drunken state. like you might say "i'm engaged!" or "i'm winning!" or "i'm coming home for christmas!".
...except it was "i'm drunk!" instead.
21. jams said:
I completely agree that cell phones and caller i.d. have essentially taken the fun out of phones. stuck in the desert in horrible arizona as a teen, i had two choices for entertainment
crank........
or
crank...calls
now that I think of it, I have two unresolved weird voicemails from the past. One with a thick Russian/Slovak accent, and one mystery guys voice who would just blurt out one word or half word when you left my friend a voicemail
huh
22. Karen Rani said:
I believe he was also wearing Crocs. And Bermuda shorts. You know, like old men do.
*runs and hides from Jon*
23. Amy said:
I got two cell phone messages at 2 & 3am a few weeks ago from this kid who thought he was calling a prostitute.
Then his sister picked up the phone and he proceded to tell her verbatim the message he had just left me. It ended with, "call this number, and if my mom answers ... uh ... you don't know me."
24. Lauren said:
it sounded like a bunch of babbling then and very happy and pround voice says, "hi jonny! i'm drunk! just calling to say hi! ummm... later!"
25. Lauren said:
um, sorry that was a lot of typos .. had a kid jumping on me.
:)
26. Jennifer in Ohio said:
Ha ha!
That message is VERY representative of my college experience......that's why it took me (a little) longer to graduate.
27. cathbuzz said:
You know this is why cell phones were really invented, right? Now you can call someone at all hours of the night guilt-free, and you're not to blame if they didn't turn off their phone and thought that maybe someone had died or something.
I am nearly 40, but my husband and I still get drunk dialed by our friends on the other coast from time to time. In fact, it happens just often enough that on New Year's Eve 2003, when I was home alone for the holiday and pregnant, someone attempted to prank call me at midnight. Unfortunately for them, I thought it was a friend of mine, and I played along until they got confused and hung up. Only then did I figure out my mistake. Sorry kids. Prank call me again, and I'll pretend to be totally freaked out. I promise.
28. sleepingKelly said:
You're from the south. I'm sure there are future drunk dials to a 20-something Leta from her 50-something mom. Redneck genetics run strong.
29. CSL said:
I once got a message on my answering machine that went: "Theresa? I been tryin' to reach you all day....but this must be a wrong number 'cause you ain't got no answerin' machine." I played it for everyone I knew.
30. Jilly Willy said:
That was too funny.
I noticed under your taking pictures heading it no longer says with my Nikon D70, just wondering what happened to the camera?
Oh and Leta is adorable as always.
31. PTA1Queen said:
WAIT...You don't have a cell phone?
32. profilesintoolness said:
Wow, that guy is such a tool.
33. ClaireDanish said:
Call 'em back and leave 'em a message "We roll mad deep, yo!"
But, you know, George probably has a hangover this morning....
34. anne nahm said:
Eh... While tipsy, I once put up a picture of a Coors Light can riding a maxi pad. Think I'm joking? Ha!
http://annenahm.com/?p=143
I guess I'm living in a big old glass house now.
35. Donny said:
For some reason, this is the voice I always imagine coming out of George...
36. Kungfukitten said:
He sounds like he's definitely wearing his own underwear on his head. I love the new banner. Chuck looks like a Babushka, like if you were to make fun of his bandana he'd give you THE EYE and you'd wake up with warts all over your body.
37. mindylou00 said:
hahah. That was awesome. I recognize that voice! I got a similar call saturday night. Only I was drunk too. At least my voice didn't end up on the internet. :)
38. Kissyface said:
why have we seen no photodocumentation of the "ugly plastic dolls"?
39. kim from germany said:
jonnie? that's hilarious. also, i totally agree with #2 :)
40. Jude C said:
Hilarious. This is exactly why I always take the phones away from friends who are drunk, and demand that they take my phone away from me when I'm drunk.
41. Workman said:
I once saw Courtney Cox on the Tonight Show (I'm not a proud man) and in the interview, she suggested installing breathalizers on phones and computer keyboards to prevent drunk dialing and emailing.
I think she was OK with drunk driving, though.
42. Mandy said:
Hellooo,
I've been reading your musings for a while now...great stuff! I have pissed myself laughing (sometimes out loud) on many occasions at your observations and the way you relate them and have even welled up a bit when you talk about Leta (I have a two year old son Pascal).
Now on to the topic. Does anyone else think the guy sounds Australian? (I'm Australian, by the way)
The 'later' at the end sounds American but kind of put on...
43. veg4me said:
We were on our first date since becoming parents. We were nervous wrecks, leaving our child behind with the babysitter just so we could see a movie. We left her our cell phone numbers and she assured us she wouldn't need to call.
Halfway through the movie my husbands cell phone buzzed. He grabbed it and ran out to the lobby.
"Hello?"
That's when a drunk Middle Eastern man starting yammering on and on. My husband was so confused. His brain just couldn't wrap itself around the fact that this was NOT the babysitter calling.
"I can't understand you! Slow Down! Where's the babysitter?!"
Yeah, wrong numbers sure are entertaining.
44. OneBabyMama said:
Wow. That was priceless! I have a sneaking suspicion that it's GEORGE! too. ;-)
I *wish* I could toss my cell phone in the trash. But, like practically everyone on the planet (except for you and my best friend) I can't remember what the hell I DID without it before.
I hang my head in shame.
45. kendall said:
that is so GEORGE!
nice.
46. MadKat said:
Classic! New reader here and I am LOVING it all!
47. Lee said:
Wow. Where does Jon find the time to meet quality people like that?
48. kierewalker said:
Uh-oh. Looks like GEORGE!'s good name is getting besmirched.
I saved an old drunk-dial message from a couple of guys I went to high school with discussing the finer points of vodka and the "Rascal" line of motorized scooters. The day after I deleted it, I was flipping through channels and saw one of them started working on "As the World Turns".
There's a lesson in there somewhere about extortion and timing, but I'm not sure what it is.
49. littlefirecrackr said:
I guess I am just mean, when I get a wrong number, I lower my voice to a sad wisper and say "I'm sorry, ____ died." and then I hang up and laugh!
50. Padge said:
Yet another reason I really shouldn't be reading your blogs at work! I sit in an open office and it's hard to explain to my neighbors that the program roll-out schedules I'm reviewing are so funny they make coke shoot out my nose.
Love the phone message! I had one call me one time in about the same state, and instead of hanging up when he realized he had the wrong number, he proceeded to try to "get to know me a little better" (his words).
51. Gecka said:
Exactly, what BYU wasn't. That's why I call it my 5 year coma. And now make up for lost time by drinking beer and playing in a kickball league. Oooo and experimenting with martinis, current creation: Starbucks Moca-tini. Now I just have to figure a way to smoke while drinking it and having premarital sex with my live in boyfriend.
Suck on that D&C 89.
52. Melanie said:
I can't ever send my children to college now. Their future's are ruined.
53. Teetotaled said:
Very nice! You can use that message to tease him for a solid 6 months at least.
Makes me wish I saved some of the drunk messages my Ex used to leave me in college. The ones about bologna sandwhiches and how he wanted ice cream during his drunken rage and he was going to come over and bring me some zzzzzzz. What a nice compilation that would make...oh well!
54. smoness said:
These are always so much fun. I once received a call from someone on their first mushroom trip -- very detailed descriptions of what color sounds like and lots of heavy breathing.
55. Amber said:
I thought he said 'reindeer' at the end!
I once received a wrong-number voicemail explaining, in great TMI detail, why the woman leaving it would not be at work that day. Sounded like she had food poisoning.
Also had an experience similar to Padge. 'Ernie, the guy with the Maxima,' was trying to reach the former resident of my room, whose first name was the same as mine, and when he finally caught me (after leaving many messages), he wanted to meet me anyway, because "you can't just meet people on the street," though I guess it's fine to meet them by calling the wrong number. And, by his own admission, he DID meet this girl on the street.
I passed.
56. rivetergirl said:
That is the wonderful thing about inebriation ... the willingness to share it with the world, one call at a time.
57. Tiggerlane said:
Too bad you can't ring this guy back at 2AM, and see what's up this weekend...or can you? If you can, you should, and you MUST share!!
Maybe one of DORJ's! silly friends?
A drunk boy once rambled on my answering machine after meeting me at a college frat party - he called three times (after 2:30AM), and went on for over an hour (back in the day when machines had tapes in them). I still have the tape. Fond college memories.
58. Tiggerlane said:
Oh! And I'm with Jennifer in Ohio. Took me 6 years to get that 4-year degree. I call those extra 2 years my "social education."
59. Judy said:
There is still nothing as priceless as my friend Megan leaving Tim Wilson's Booty Song on my voicemail. The worst part is that she didn't fess up to it until a few days later...after I'd already interrogated most of my friends!
60. JC said:
ha ha. i've gotten voicemail messages almost identical to that one. good times.
61. Cori said:
For a while in college, I kept getting wrong numbers and drunken phone called from people I didn't know. The strange thing was that they all asked for the same person, Josh. I finally figured out that his number was one number off mine. I called him and we laughed about all the times people would call him and mean to call me and vice versa. We actually talked quite frequently and ended up dating. It didn't work out, but I still remember his number! ; )
62. monkey said:
Drinking and emailing/texting is the new drink & dial. I got plastered last year and emailed everyone I know a horribly misspelled, incoherent letter attempting to wish everyone happy holidays. Man, that was funny...yet embarassing.
63. Stephanie said:
I love when drunk people (myself included, on occasion) have to tell other people that they are drunk. Like, it's a big secret and they are letting you in on it.
"Just letting you know that I am DRUNK."
Oh really, well, the fact that you can barely speak didn't tip me off earlier, so thank you so much for clarifying.
64. heatheranne said:
My husband told me about a message someone left on his answering machine that went on and on until the machine cut them off. All they said was "Smelly dog. Smeeeeeeeelly dog. Smellydog" in every possible way to say it.
65. Michykeen said:
My friend Steve got a drunk voicemail the other week that contained such gems as:
"My nipples are hard ... like math."
and
"Do you like candelabras? I like soccer. I especially like Brazil because they only go by one name - like Madonna. Or Cher."
and my personal favorite ...
"I have to go. I think I have the consumption."
66. Vaguely Urban said:
Before driving over with your rolling pin? Stopping first to put your hair up into pink foam curlers would really complete the look.
67. JustLinda said:
Oh, I'm so embarrassed. If I knew you were going to out me publicly, I wouldn't have done it.
So now you all know...
;)
68. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
Re: Leta's Black Chuck Taylors
Isn't someone missing hers Black Chuck Taylors since BlogHer? (Fussy? Fluid Pudding?) I forget who it was, but I think we all know where they went...
Shameful, Heather.
69. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
I remember! It was Amalah! I am so telling.
70. Michael said:
I hate to speak hastily and without absolutely convincing evidence, but I will guess that the guy was drunk.
71. Wacky Mommy said:
Four year old Wacky Boy is loving the picture of Chuck-Chuck Bo-Buck in the scarf.
72. Erik said:
aww, that's such a cute lil drunk dial! i want to give that guy a hug. :)
73. CrankMama said:
Drunk dials are fun, but I was hoping for some seriously flirty message...
74. carrie said:
Back in the day, I was very bad about feeling the need to call everyone I knew to let them know that I was drunk. And that I loved them. And not just because I was drunk. But because I loved them.
I had a strange text message from someone who was obviously upset that someone with a similar number to mine was repeatedly asking her out. She was engaged and VERY HAPPY. I sent back that I was happy for her and had no idea what the heck she was talking about. Sometimes I wonder if my phone has a mind of it's own.
(And I love the new masthead--that is definitely a favorite picture of Chuck.)
75. wealhtheow said:
Your new masthead is the best yet. I prefer to imagine that Chuck is decrying the shameful, shameful behavior exhibited by his mama on this blog.
76. Hamle Elme said:
Thank God I've never drunk dialed anyone. With my luck, I probably would have called my mother at 3:00 in the morning and shamelessly announced that I was sloshed. Considering that she's been a Mormon all of her life (and I was raised in the church, too) that would not have gone over well with her.
I think she's gotten more used to my rebel-ish behavior now. When I told her that I'm pregnant (and not married! Gasp!) she didn't come to SC to kill me. She even seemed kind of excited.