Indisputable
Tuesday, May 23 2006
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Leta, Nubbin, Parenthood
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Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to tell Leta how remarkably stunning she is. Every parent I know feels this way about their kids, that their children are undeniably beautiful, but I'm often told that I shouldn't use such quantifiers because she will grow up thinking that her sense of self is directly tied to her beauty, that if I keep commenting on her looks she will learn to think that beauty is more important than it actually is. But when I comb her hair into pigtails and the ends curl in perfect circles under her chin, it is hard to hold back the truth, that she takes my breath away.
Jon likes to tell Leta that she is smart. And she is, she can count to ten in Spanish and put together a 30-piece puzzle. But is this any better than telling her that she is beautiful? Smart is not a neutral quantifier either, and when I was an awkward teenager with crooked teeth and a padded bra I worried just as much about how smart I was as I did over whether or not I would ever have a good hair day.
I'm not so sure it's a bad thing that we tell her that she is beautiful or smart, as long as she knows we love her despite those things. They have no bearing on how much we love her. The bigger challenge is making her feel and understand something that has taken me a lifetime to learn, something I would have rather heard than any comment on my looks or intelligence. I want her to know that she will always be good enough.
1. cagey said:
Well put. I have written a little myself about this "beautiful" topic because I get SO MANY comments on my son from perfect strangers. It's awkward for me because I was so NOT that "cute little girl" in pigtails.
I guess the ultimate question concerns how to best raise a child with a healthy self-esteem while taming the raging inner ego that lurks in all children before society (AKA junior high school) beats it down.
Sigh.
2. carrisa said:
Beautiful post. Beautiful daughter. I think you should always tell her that. And that she's smart. And that babies from outer space. You know... the important stuff.
3. BigA said:
I don't know how she couldn't. You give her the gift of writing about her all the time and the love shows through everytime.
4. Urs said:
there is nothing wrong in telling your child that he/she is beautiful. once in a while it wouldn't hurt. i think it would be awful for you NOT to tell her.
5. trublu76 said:
It's not a bad thing at all. You're not telling her she is beautiful and because of her beauty she can have anything she wants, she doesn't have to be everything she can be, and that she shouldn't be smart or funny.
You're telling her she is beautiful, which is one of the many qualities that makes her who she is. Boosting her self esteem is wonderful. Do it as much as you want, tell her she's beautiful, she's brilliant, she's funny, she's talented... and tell her often.
6. carrisa said:
babies come* from outer space... i'm sure you got what i meant
7. blurb said:
It should be clear that she gets both the beauty and the brains from her mother.
Beautiful post, Heather. Beautiful.
8. rivetergirl said:
I just got back from my daughter's kindergarten graduation. She was singled out because she can read at a level 20 (when most kindergarteners read at a level 2). She won numerous academic awards.
She was also the only student to be picked to sing a solo part in one of their songs. She started beautifully then got nervous and started to cry.
Afterward she told me that she was disppointed in herself because she cried during the song.
But yet when a friend told her that she was the smartest kid in the class, I quanitified it and stressed that she not be measured by other kids but by her own accomplishments on their own.
She's amazing in so many ways, I'm humbled by her.
9. Linds said:
Heather, the fact that you even worry about or consider this proves what a good mother you are! You do have a beautiful daughter, and there is nothing wrong with telling her that.
10. becky said:
Every post, every photo, they ooze love and goodness.
11. gypsy said:
This is precisely right, and it is what parents miss, tragically, 90 percent of the time.
Self esteem is fine -- but it needs to be something that reflects personal confident, not entitlement. Help your kid to learn to EARN self esteem. THat's for HER. As far as you're concerned, her knowlege that she is always good enough and that YOU think she's beautiful, smart, all you could ask for, is exactly right.
Prisons are full of people with high self esteem. This is because they believe they deserve, by virtue of WHO THEY ARE (for whatever reason) to do, take, or say whatever they want. THis is the dangerous kind of self esteem -- the kind that is behind brats, or worse, criminals.
12. KillCreek said:
Love it, Dooce! I struggle with this one too, as I find myself telling my daughter how pretty she is all the time!
I think above all else, you are right, the most important thing is that she knows her parents love her no matter what. And adding all of the compliments on top can't hurt, in my opinion. :) She is a very beautiful girl!
13. Billygean.co.uk said:
I have always thought that. They are both genetic after all, and you can work to change both of them equally well. It is also about what you strive to be, I think, not, for example, how selfless you are by nature, but how selfless you desire to be; teach that one is loved despite natural qualities, and is loved for qualities gained.
Sigh, it has been an emotional blogging week!
Billygean
14. Kacey said:
Well said Dooce. Pride in your children is a wonderful thing, and there is no doubt you are the proudest mama you can be.
15. Ms. Huis Herself said:
Ah, if I wouldn't have had to create an account so I could delurk, I might have been first... Anyway, thanks for sharing your trials, tribulations & fun with us all. Your Leta (who is about 6 months older than my Pumpkin)is a joy to hear about. While you can and should tell her she's smart & beautiful & all, it's also important to recognize what she DOES. I mean, you can't really control what you start with genetically, but you can work hard, be kind, make jokes, etc. Recognizing her positive choices (ok, maybe she'll "get it" more when she's older! *grin*), encourages her to continue to do them.
There's my $0.02 anyway! (And BTW, Dooce, you write entertaining & often insightful entries!)
16. Michelle~in~Memphis....ugh said:
I think it is wonderful to give your child complements from your heart. The more confidence she has at home, the more she will have out in the world.
17. Julie said:
Heather, this was beautiful. I'm sure that Leta will always know that because you and Jon are her parents. But cheers to you for figuring out so early on something that some parents never get.
And I'm with you - telling Leta that she is pretty and smart are never bad things. Because she is both. :)
18. k8 said:
absolutely. tell her she's beautiful and tell her she's smart. and tell her that even though those things are true that what's most important is that she tries. then her beauty and her brains will combine with her effort to make her unstoppable.
19. Ramona said:
If/when Leta reads these entries, she'll know that you think the world of her, stunning looks and all.
20. milkmaid said:
A well rounded kiddo NEEDS to hear both...and of course all the other good stuff in life.
A great post...as usual.
21. kalisah said:
amen, Sister Sledge. I wish someone just once tried to make me feel "good enough." I think it's the single most important thing that I'm teaching my son.
22. anna nic said:
there's nothing wrong with telling her she's beautiful or smart as long as it's not way too over the top.
As for our family, we say my son's cute all of the time, but we concentrate more on real interaction and encouragement with him. Lots of "good job", "great effort", etc.
I guess if you feel weird about telling her SHE's beautiful all of the time, you could say THAT's beautiful. As in, aren't the ponytails beautiful and doesn't your sweater look great, accentuating things involved with her and not her specifically all of the time.
23. Stellabella said:
I don't have a kid, but I do have a kickass dog, and this is what I tell her: "Mabel, you are so pretty and nobody catches a ball like you do, and you're good at math. But most important, you're not stuck up." Feel free to use that whenever you'd like.
24. Erin said:
I tell my 7-week old daughter that she's a beautiful girl about every 5 minutes. And I find myself quickly adding, "And so smart, too!"
This was a great post. I can relate on so many levels.
25. VinnyGirl said:
Beautiful can mean more than beauty itself. And besides she needs to know she is beautiful. I know I still love (and probably need) to hear it.
Great post. It's nice to know there are mothers out there that think like you do.
26. Pixie said:
You are an amazing mother.
27. ProudMary said:
I can think of no better thing than a little girl growing up to believe that she is smart and beautiful.
28. jes said:
Heather, THANK YOU FOR THAT LAST SENTENCE. Because I think that is the most important part, that Leta will ALWAYS be good enough. That is something that I still struggle with, and I am nearly 28.
There are so many things that you teach Leta that I wish my parents would have taught me.
29. crumb said:
My family told me I was smart, beautiful, and loved, and it got me through some crap years growing up and even in my adulthood. Self-worth is an important gift you have the power to give her. Keep it up!
30. Jenski said:
I think telling girls TOO often that they are cute/pretty/beautiful can be dangerous. I know this because I've read lots of books about the subject-how girls become obsessed or preoccupied with their appearance because their appearance is what gets them so much attention. Haven't we all heard stories about models or acctresses who are gorgeous but feel ugly? It's because if you learn that your value is associated with your appearance, your self worth is too caught up in things you have little control over-external factors. Yes, of course you can balance out your comments with ones that praise her intelligence, behavior, work that she has done-but be careful. Let her know that she is beautiful to you but don't overemphasize it. Give her attention for what she does (and doesn't do), not so much for what she looks like.
31. Chelley said:
I think you hit the nail right on the head with the "good enough" comment. My parents always told me that I was pretty, but not the prettiest girl. They told me that I was smart, but never seemed completely happy with my accomplishments. I could have always "done better".
Now, at 36, I still struggle with feelings of not being good enough. My boyfriend loves me, but won't marry me ... so in my mind, that translates to "not good enough".
Please always remind Leta that she IS good enough.
32. PG32 said:
It never goes away Heather. My youngest will be 7 this year and I found myself, just last night, looking at him while he slept thinking "he is so perfect and cute and adorable". Of course, I could never say those things while he was awake or he'd be mortified! But I still find time as often as he'll stand still to tell him I think he's terrific in every way.
33. Bretley said:
Oh Heather, please do tell her. My parents never told me I was pretty or beautiful, though they did praise me for my smarts. I wanted to believe I was beautiful too, and it was hard never to hear it.
One day, I think I was about 4, I sat in a chair in front of a mirror we had in our dining room. I studied my face - nice big brown eyes, nose not too big or too small, one cute dimple and a handful of freckles, and soft brown curls. I decided then, empirically, that I was pretty. I told this to my mother, "Mom, I was looking at myself, and I think I'm kind of pretty." She snickered at me. Hand to God. And I have never, ever been convinced I am pretty since then.
34. ShanH said:
When I was little, my parents told me both that I was smart, and that I was beautiful. My dad's nickname for me was "pretty girl." It seems odd now that I've typed it, but it always sounded sweet (despite the fact that he and I no longer speak).
But the one thing I remember the most is my mom saying, "Shannon, Shannon, Shannon, why do I love you SO much?" And my answer, the correct answer always was, "Just because I'm me."
I think as long as Leta understands that your love is unconditional (and I cannot imagine her ever thinking something else from everything I've read here), the comments about her beauty and brains can only support her self-esteem.
You seem like a great mom, Heather.
-Shannon
35. Karl Erikson said:
"I want her to know that she will always be good enough."
Good call. That's a concept I'm still trying to get my brain to realize.
36. Amanda B. said:
Take it from a kid whose parents told her on a regular basis how unattractive and stupid she was, it's OK to tell Leta those things. Like it or not, the voice we hear in our heads is that of our parents- until we can find our own voice. I'm glad for Leta that you guys are filling her with positive images of herself.
And it tickles me that you and Jon have the foresight to go even further, to let her know that she is a good and worthy person- that her internal value can not be measured. There are no scales or tests for that kind of beauty.
37. PG32 said:
definitely tell your kids they are beautiful AND smart and perfect in their imperfections...home is where you should feel complete and exactly as you should be.
Bretley, that's just sad honey.
38. jenjifer said:
Since he was little I've been telling my oldest that he's gorgeous. Well, imagine my embarrassment one day (he was three at the time) when my mom called him "cute", and in a disgusted tone he corrected her, "no I'm not, I'm GORGEOUS!!!"
Leta is wonderful, and so are you.
39. chelle said:
I also struggle with how to/ not to tell my daughter how beautiful she is. I make a point of telling her just as often how strong she is, how smart, funny, etc. Because I'm one of those parents who is in the process of healing the wounds from my own childhood as I raise my daughter with loving care (its not a concious effort, the healing just happens) I am always afraid of overdoing it with praise becuase I never heard it enough from my own mother. I don't want to smother her, or make her full of herself or make her immune to the praise.
My brother and I talk about this issue all the time, and how the over-praising from our mother (specifically about his looks) affected him in a negative way. Because she put such an emphasis on his good looks (his nick-name was "Handsome", and I rarely remember her using his acutal name in conversation) when he became an adult with a self esteem issue, not thinking himself handsome after all, he didn't really know what he was left with. As siblings, we are the perfect example of how over and under emphasizing a child's physical beauty by a parent can be desctructive.
I think Heather, as long as your heart is obviously in the right place, your intentions are the very best as you praise her, or compliment her beauty, it will land in the right place. After all, your Leta is GORGEOUS!!
Michelle
40. caitlin said:
that gave me goosebumps.
41. Parallelfirst said:
The most meaningful compliment I have ever gotten from my parents is "We're proud of you." It has nothing to do with my appearance, or my intellect...and yet it always feels so amazing to hear.
42. jody2ms said:
I tell my children they are beautiful inside and out.
When my 8yo was about 6, he did something clever (can't remember specifically) and a dialoge insued...
I said "Good job! you are very smart"
He replied "Yea, I know!"
and my husband added "And he's humble, too".
43. MomO'Grace said:
Even though she's 12 going on 20 I still put my beautiful girl to sleep with: "I'll love you forever / I'll love you for always / As long as I'm living / My baby you'll be." I do think think it's important to let her know that she will always be entitled to these affirmations from me. And it may be a little too hippie-dippie but I believe that these are the kinds of affirmations that make people appreciate the good and wonderful things in the world rather than crave, or certainly claim entitlement, to the less important things.
44. jaime said:
first of all, leta is beautiful, and her pigtails make me want to bite her head. second, my mother calls me beautiful all the time, and it doesn't make me feel like my self worth is tied to loveliness... the thing is, when it's your mom, you don't believe her so much. :) it's more that it teaches you that when someone loves you, they think you're beautiful.
45. kingalz said:
Beautiful post! Well said. I never had a sense of enough, and I went all over the place trying to figure out how to define it. I think that teaches you to look to others for validation, and when you do that, you're never enough. I've felt like that for a long time. Thanks for putting it into words.
46. Sheryl said:
I tell my kids their pretty (even my son) and smart all the time. When I was growing up people always told me I was "cute." Not the same as pretty, but I think it helped me be secure enough about my looks that I didn't obsess over them. I think it helped me free my self worth, not pin it on my looks.
47. FashMags said:
Later on, when she is a hormonal & obnoxious teen - you can present her with a bound copy of your beautiful love notes to her. That should stop her in her tracks! You rock.
48. PrincessMo said:
My mom told me that I was smart and pretty and talented, and that she loved me...but also that she LIKED me a whole lot too. She liked me so much, she said, that she would even like me if I was not her kid and she met me somewhere else and she didn't already know how smart and pretty and talented I was.
49. HannahB said:
Remember that beauty isn't just about appearance. When Jon wrote that this was a beautiful post, he didn't mean that the font was attractive or that the colors coordinated pleasingly (although all that is true). He meant that it was honest, and thoughtful, and kind. Beauty is all of those things, along with prettiness. If you teach Leta that beauty is as much about singing for her farting aunt as it is about "smooshness," she will grow up to be not just a good enough person, but a great person. She's on her way, and she has 2 beautiful parents to thank for that.
Hannah
Charlottesville, Va
50. Tanya said:
As a mother of a 15-year old, I have a comment to add to that. It's possible that a day will come when you will wish that Leta would be better than she is making an effort to be. You were an over-achiever, right Heather? Try maintaining that stance when your child is an under-achiever. It's very difficult to make them feel accepted for "who they are" when you know they should be doing so much better. I'm sure my daughter does not feel "good enough" some days, but does that mean I lower my expectations? It's tough...
51. Arwen said:
The last sentence of this post is so, so right on that it took my breath away.
I had a wonderful childhood and have great parents who did a lot of stuff right, but the single most important thing they did for me was to make me understand that, although they thought I was beautiful and smart, they loved me in spite of that stuff and not because of it. That no matter what I did, I would always be good enough for them.
It actually kind of bugged me when I was a kid... my friends would bring home As or even Bs on their report cards and their parents would given them money as a reward. Meanwhile, I'd bring home straight As and my dad would hug me and say, "We're very proud of you, but you know you're precious to us no matter what grades you get." I thought my dad was such a dork!
But now I'm grown up and married and my twenty-five-year-old husband is still struggling to please his parents, and I've finally realized just how priceless it is to know that my parents will love me whatever I do, that I really am good enough for them. Their unconditional love is one of the most important things I have.
Incidentally, Leta is pretty darn beautiful.
52. Seth said:
The best thing my wife and I have done with our 3-year-old is tell her she can control her emotions and her decisions.
It sounds a bit weird, I know, but we've taught her a very simple breathing technique for when she goes into one of her "OCD Threes" rages if someone walks incorrectly down the hall.
The best thing I've ever heard her say is "Mommy and Daddy I calmed myself down!"
Best. Phrase. Ever.
It sucks, mostly because they're pulling away from you anyway, but teaching your kid to be independent and self-reliant and telling them they have the power to achieve is incredibly powerful.
Which isn't to say we don't lavish her with "smart" and "beautiful" all the time, but we're aware - as you are - that no matter what, we love her.
Oh, and if you're in the tearjerking mood today, watch Fred Rogers testifying before Congress in 1969 on behalf of funding for PBS and Mister Rogers' Neighborhood [Via Waxy]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Sd7TcVH670
53. jagosaurus said:
Beautiful and so wise. I particularly love that you want Leta to know that you love her despite the brains and beauty.
54. trevordlb said:
I looked at that video of her singing, and I thought, "Wow, she's turning into such a little lady!" Leta is for sure beautiful and quite smart. You can't hold back the truth, but yeah, it's good to keep her head near the ground, where things that are more important matter.
55. Melanie said:
I struggle with this subject, as I'm a Mom of a teenaged girl. I want my daughter to know she's beautiful, inside and out. I want her to know that she's brilliant, conscientious and amazing as well. My biggest fear as she's a teenager, is that she'll put too much worth on her body, or boys, (or since she's not there right now, that other people will influence her that way) and become depressed, or anorexic, or something life-threateningly devastating. At no point when my daughter was a toddler, did it ever occur to me how much in fear I'd be of her emotional well being at the tender age of 13. It's frightening. If she read this right now, she'd tell me to "Chill, I'm smarter than that Mom."
I'm so with you on the "good enough". You are wise for including that with Leta. I CONSTANTLY convey to my children that I love them NO MATTER WHAT! No matter what. That's not negotiable.
Moving post.
56. sdpfeiffy said:
My beautiful (step) daughter will graduate from high school this weekend. Many, many people have told her that she's gorgeous (which she is) but she still points out her physical flaws to herself and others. She is also witty, intelligent, and extremely kind-hearted. In spite of all of this (and due to lots of problems with her bio mom) I still have to remind her that she is and will always be *good enough*. For some reason, it's hard to convince females of their outstanding characteristics.
A good friend of mine has a daughter who was very assertive as a toddler and young child. My friend worried that her daughter would be perceived as "too smart, or too bossy" and asked if she should try to rein in her daughter. I quietly told her that life (and middle school) would diminish those tendencies by at least 50%, so she should encourage her daughter to be exactly who she wanted to be. (Much to my sadness, I was right.)
(By the way--Leta is gorgeous. And she's so so lucky to have such fabulous parents.)
57. Mercedes said:
This is an amazing, insightful post!
I'm 24, I drink and curse like a sailor -- and as far as parties are concerned, costume or otherwise, I also "always go as the girl who is there to drink all the alcohol." The postings about your daughter and family life have given me faith that if my future includes these things I'll be able to adjust and enjoy, and not lose myself. Thanks Ms. Armstrong.
58. issa said:
I think it is important for kids to hear both that they are smart and beautiful. Especially from parents.
Kids go into the real world and just hear how they need to better themselves. How they are not as pretty or smart as someone else. And it is true. But it is good for them to have a core belief that they are pretty and smart. It balances it out.
59. dlouise said:
The world's worst case of late-thirties PMS ever + this tidbit = workplace weeping.
60. Lolo said:
I think the greatest gift my parents ever gave me - and this includes a new car when I graduated from college - was the deep-down, unshakable knowledge that I am a great person and that, just the way I am, I'm completely and eminently LOVABLE. That's gotten me through a lot of bad times and bad people.
It's more important, to me, than feeling pretty or smart, because those things come and go. Being loved and lovable, that lasts forever.
61. Krooie said:
Growing up, I was often told I was smart. That was nice, and I believed it. I was never, however, told that I was beautiful. And now, at age 42, when my wonderful boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful, I still have a hard time believing it.
You are telling Leta exactly what she needs to hear. She's lucky to have you both as parents.
62. Lolo said:
I think the greatest gift my parents ever gave me - and this includes a new car when I graduated from college - was the deep-down, unshakable knowledge that I am a great person and that, just the way I am, I'm completely and eminently LOVABLE. That's gotten me through a lot of bad times and bad people.
It's more important, to me, than feeling pretty or smart, because those things come and go. Being loved and lovable, that lasts forever.
63. ktjane said:
that last sentence...
that's what i wish someone would have told me.
no, wait, what i still wish someone would tell me - even though i wouldn't believe it.
64. wealhtheow said:
Wow, Heather. If you ever figure out how to get that message across, please let the rest of us know. You rock.
65. EverydaySuperGoddess said:
Beauty on the outside comes from beauty on the inside. I tell my kids all the time that they're beautiful, and I make sure they know that I'm talking about both kinds of beauty.
66. Meg said:
Ah, my mom said this to me a week ago, and I swear, at 32, it's saving my life that they love me like they do.
67. indigosarah said:
I had parents who told me both, and I bet most people did. And I'm still insecure as hell on both counts! Go figure.
68. rebecca said:
I've always made a point of telling my both my son and my daughter that they were beautiful and smart and kind and loved. It's worked so well that my almost 4-year old daughter had the following discussion with her dad the other night:
"I'm beautiful and pretty with my hair in a ponytail."
yes you are, sweetheart. you get that from your mother.
"Yes, but I'm prettier."
LOL!
She also informed me last night that EVERYONE loves her, except the people in China, and that's just because they don't know her.
69. Amy D. said:
Kudos...I think that's the perfect way to look at this issue. I have piebaldism (a skin pigmentation thing, I have spots!) and was always in the academically-gifted programs. All I ever wanted as a kid/teenager was to NOT be so freaking special! That led me to do a lot of stupid things to try and 'fit in' and 'be cool' and less of a 'smart' kid...it was all great fun, but I certainly compromised my self-respect along the way, and that's not something that's easy to re-acquire. I think you'll help Leta avoid a lot of those problems just by being willing to listen to her talk about how she feels, and not just blow it off. My mom always just said "don't worry about what they say about you." Because that's so easy to do, right? Just let her know that even if she's known by the company she keeps, there's NO shame at all in not being like them and doing what they're doing....individuality is a difficult thing to embrace.
70. MissEmtoo said:
You got it exactly right.
EVERYTHING Leta does, ALL that she is... her beauty, her intelligence, her adorable nose, the way she cocks her head, her lovely hair, her delightful smile, the way she laughs, how often she cries, how well she walks, the way her hands hold crayons (or "crowns" ;) ), how frequently she hugs you... ALL good enough. Always.
I have a friend whose daughter was stunning. STUNNING -- all tan-skinned and curly-haired with the most amazing chocolate eyes. You couldn't get past it when looking at her. Then, her daughter lost one of her eyes. And it was suddenly all anyone could talk about... that she'd lost that beauty, or some of it. It made me SO sad, realizing that the "thing" that everyone had defined her by... was gone. Because there had been SO much more to this delightful, wonderful little girl. I wish we'd all noticed and paid more obvious attention to the other amazing parts of her BEFORE.
So now, when people fawn over my daughter and swear that she's just the most beautiful creature, sure, I agree. She is... ;) But she's so much more than that, and I make sure that I let her know it.
Like Leta, above ALL else, I want her to know that, no matter what she does, no matter what she looks like... she will ALWAYS be just right. ALWAYS be good enough.
Thanks for putting all of this into perspective, Heather.
71. PinkPoppies said:
Hey there,
There's nothing wrong in telling your child that they are beautiful, smart, kind, generous, wonderful etc. Kids learn from what they hear and fit it into what they already know to make sense of the world. If Leta understands she is beautiful by your definition, she will less likely measure herselkf by the standards imposed by pop culture. If my child shares, or soothes his cousin, he's being kind and gentle, and learns to recognize it in others. There is beauty in intelligence, and genius in appreciating beauty. I think another post put it very well and when they said if they assume that because of beauty or brains, or both, then they desrve, x, or y, or z without effort, then that's wrong. Our son knows we love him unconditionally, currentlygap-toothed and wild haired, but he's still my precious. Pinky
72. Candace said:
I did really well on tests growing up. When I was in the 4th grade I got a perfect score on an IQ test and this made the local paper. My high school math teacher was concerned about who I was dating because "I had a responsibility to my genes". My parents were constantly talking about how smart I was. I went to an Ivy League school and did very well. My whole sense of self-worth was built on being smart and to this day I never feel "good enough".
Laurie Berkner has a song for kids called "I'm not perfect" that I think every kid should have.
73. JessicaP said:
wonderfully amazing post.
74. jess said:
you are an amazing mother.
75. Lynnlaw said:
Leta is so lucky to have parents like you and John. In a society that pushes brains and beauty, growing up in a household that bold prints "good enough" is so hard to come by.
76. timothyjlambert said:
I always compliment my nieces and nephew on their sanity. "Still sane then? Good job!"
Given their/our heritage, I think maintaining sanity is an admirable goal.
77. rbiggs said:
Heather,
What a wonderful post. This is something that I struggle with daily too. My girls, however, also know that regardless of their looks or intellectual capacity - I will love them forever! It has even become kind of silly. At ages 7 and 9, they will ask things like - "If I had two heads would you love me just as much?" They try to shock me, but I am hard to shock.
78. andsoitis said:
I think it's important to tell children that you love them, and that you will always love them no matter what. I also think it's important to tell little girls that they are beautiful and that they are smart. I was never told either. I grew up wondering if I was pretty and finally had to ask my mom when I was about 13. I got straight A's my entire school life but no one ever said Good Job or Wow Are You Smart or Wow Am I Proud of You. I am now in my 30s and I still can't feel beautiful and even though I have a graduate degree I never feel smart enough. I always knew I was loved, even though it wasn't stated often, but I have always questioned my looks AND my intelligence. If I ever have a child I will tell them they are beautiful and smart and more than good enough.
79. Karen said:
All things in moderation is what I say. There's nothing wrong with a balance between "You're beautiful, you're a genius rocket scientist, and I love you when you're obedient, naughty, tired, happy, angry or sad. Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you."
80. rockr girl said:
aaahhhh!!! seriously, this made me cry.
i know that my whole chidlhood, i was told how pretty i am, or how smart, althetic, whatever, and that my parents were proud. but i think maybe all this had lead me to believe subconciously that if i messed up, i would be a huge disappointment, and that was worse than anything. its probably the reason for a lot of my cynicism and secret feelings of failure. and i don't know how you teach a child that they will always be good enough - because your love is totally 100% unconditional - without ruining the idea of rules and discipline and all that...
seriously, you tell me if you figure it out, because i have yet to. and i am terrified that i am screwing up some little life everyday. <-- just another bit of proof of the fear of disappointment...
81. Jezzie said:
YES. I think that is the uncomromising quantifier for a healthy self image and emotional balance.That just being yourself as you were created is and should be enough. I learned that from my children as well. :) Jess
82. Stephanie said:
You are such a great mom. When Leta reads these posts when she is older she will truly understand how much you love her. And it is ok to tell her she is beautiful because she is! In yesterday's video she was stunning--so adorably cute yet so completely lovely.
83. Meghan said:
I'm not any sort of baby expert, and it's not that I totally disagree with your point... but it's of my opinion that you should tell your daughter how beautiful you think she is. And I think it's even more important for her to hear it from her dad. Growing up I was never told that I was beautiful or pretty. In fact what I remember hearing most was "If you could just lose 10 pounds..." I have one memory of getting dressed up and my dad telling me I looked pretty and it made me feel so amazing because I had never heard it before. To this day I think it has effected my self esteem. I have a very hard time receiving and believing compliments, even from my own boyfriend. So although I think what you say is true, I know I will make a big point in telling my kids how beautiful they are.
84. Jerri Ann said:
If it matters, I think your prior experiences will lead you in the right direction so that Leta feels "comfortable"...but don't expect her to have questions about her self beauty, smarts and being good enouh...that is just part of life itself...maybe the ugly part but still, if that is as ugly as it gets, I'll take it!
85. katliz said:
I have never wanted children and sincerely believe that there is a Mommy Gene that is just lacking in me.
Living vicariously through your posts feeds the (tiny) part of me that wishes I wanted to have children. Thank you for sharing these thoughts, and the whole fact that you bring up these questions make me respect you and Jon as parents moreso than the ones I see around me everyday.
86. katiemagic said:
Amen.
87. Maiken said:
I feel the same about my daughter. Perhaps the only problem is that people have put boundaries on words like beautiful and smart. Someone could say the same things to me now and I would not believe them because I struggle with using critical definitions for myself and not others.
What if we had more words for beautiful? Maybe we need to teach our children that beauty is a very personal feeling. We each get to decide how we honor other's feelings. I choose what I see in others and even in myself. I feel my daughter is beautiful. If she doesn't believe me that is her choice. I would like her to know her beauty for herself someday, and I think lavishing her with pretty words will be something for her to hold on to when she starts to doubt. Maybe that won't solve everything, but how else do I show and tell her how much she means to me?
88. kate said:
Have you ever heard "there's only one perfect child...and every mother has it". (I happen to have 3 w/ my fourth due in 3 months!) Encourage your daughter in anyway possible, be it beauty, brains, comedic timing, poop ability, etc. Positive comments help raise a positive child. Did you know that Moms are children's cheerleaders! You can do it, you're fantastic... rah, rah, ree! It's what we do!
89. geokaz said:
I'll tell my little ones that they are smart or beautiful if and when they are but I think there are two important points to consider as a parent.
1) the generic compliment (i.e. "good girl", "that's nice," etc.). Sounds insincere and kids see right through it as they get older. I give workshops to teachers about how to reinforce kid's self esteem without being insincere. When you compliment a drawing, find a specific element that you enjoy. Instead of just "that's a great picture," something more along the lines of "I like this one- it's so colorful!" Or instead of "You're smart," something like "I don't know anyone whose as excellent at puzzles as you." Obviously a little verbose for the average two year old, but you get my point.
2)I'm going to compliment my kids often and when they deserve it, but I'm also going to teach them that it's much more important how they feel about themselves than what I or anyone else thinks. So many people, specifically women, fall in the trap of relying on outside feedback to quantify their own feelings of self worth. When my son asks me what I think about how he looks or something he's accomplished, I'm going to encourage him to tell me first what he thinks or feels and reinforce those positive aspects of his own opinion of himself.
90. Laura Horacefield said:
Maiken makes a good point. By the time we are parents, we struggle with beautiful and smart. If Leta is able to believe in those words now and know that to be beautiful is not just from the outside but from within, I would say that would be something she could carry with her for the rest of her life.
At some point in our adulthood we are able to form a negative connotation to that word. It's ashame really.
I think you are going about it the right way. I am pregnant with twins and I know it will be hard for my as a parent to teach them that and to not tell them how amazing they are all the time.
91. NinasMom said:
You can never tell a child too often that they are smart, beautiful, or loved.
92. HollyRhea.com said:
I have the world's most beautiful girl, too. I learned a lot about how to keep from conveying that sort of stuff in the book "Between Parent and Child" (Haim Ginott). Basically, he says to state facts, like, "That's a hard thing to do", when she accomplishes something. The child infers that it must mean she's good at it, or smart or whatever. By avoiding the actual judgment and allowing her to make her own valuations of her self, you set a foundation for self-esteem.
Now, she's only one, so it's not like she understands us when we KEEP saying, "You're so pretty". But one day (probably next week), we'll have to watch our words. I don't want her thinking it matters so much.
blah.blah.blah. As I drink a beer every night in front of her.
93. Sunshine said:
Wow. Sign me up with the rest -- of course you should tell her she's pretty...and smart...and kind...and funny...and that she'll always be good enough.
Little did I know the posts would be a sort of therapy in themselves -- I'm not the only one who would have been prettier if I'd only lost another ten pounds...or if I wore my hair that way....I have a genius IQ, a master's degree, a nice house, my own business, a devoted husband and a great kid...and only remember once or twice hearing unqualified praise from my parents...ain't it amazing how much it still stings?
I try to regularly tell my son that he's handsome and smart and funny...and that not only do I love him no matter what, *I LIKE HIM* because he's a good person.
94. tksinclair said:
We've had this "debate" in our home regarding my 11 year old niece. She is smart (straight "A" student) and beautiful. We tell her both. My husband feels occasionally she's a little full of herself. As a women who had lots of self esteem issues, I'm happy she is a little "over" satisfied with her appearance. I think it's great to tell Leta she's smart and beautiful - especially from her dad. Girls get a lot of their self esteem from their fathers. Remember, they will eventually look for a man that in some ways reminds them of their father.
I believe we've done alright with my niece in praising her for both. Last week she wanted to do something and we were talking about trust. I said "well, I'm not sure I should allow you to go there." Her response? At eleven? "You should let me go, you've raised me to have integrity." Oh. Yeah. Right. Um, okay.
95. Michellody said:
I am 26 and my mom still calls me "beauty".
96. Doc S said:
A few months ago I noticed myself calling my 2-year-old daughter "beauty" frequently. I did it not because of how she looks (though, of course, she is the most beautiful child ever born) but because I was expressing the overwhelming feeling I have for the preciousness of her entire self. It worried me, though, because the over-emphasis on looks can and does really hurt girls in our culture. And I don't want her to think that appearance is what really matters for girls. So now I try to temper the use of the word "beauty." I use "squishy and delicious" a lot now. The other thing I did? I started calling my 4-year-old son "beauty" too. He thinks it's great.
97. Mack'sMom said:
Your words brought tears to my eyes!
I of course think the same of my daughter and really want her to know how much I love her and adore her. My daughter has the cutiest blonde curly hair and EVERYONE and their brother is always stopping to OOOHHHH and AHHHH over her. She totally hams it up, but right now I think it's good for her. Now if she was still getting that response at 12 or 13, then I'd be worried.
I want her to know that she's beautiful and smart...and all those things that build a strong person. I just think you're jumping the gun a little early in your worrying. She needs to know that she's beautiful...you and Jon are the key people in her life that will help her build a positive self-image! Don't back off....pour it on thick!
98. plantain said:
I have a 6 month boy...
I remember reading that you should try and avoid gender specific praise... like "Oh, who's my big, strong boy?".... but it just kind of slips out doesn't it?
99. 30yr.plan said:
Frequent reader, first time comment....er... didn't want to sign up for anything because I am just that lazy. Compelled to write today because I was thinking the SAME thing yesterday. I tell my 10 month old all the time that she is so pretty. Then add random things like....and funny! and creative! and you smell nice! Probably confusing her....or she has no idea either way because she can understand 3 words at this point. I worry too much.
100. Shanni O said:
You know, every time I see a picture of her I think
"God she is just such a little cutie" and she's not even mine, so I don't know how you couldn't tell her. I love those eyelashes, the skin and the perfect little lips. She's your own Disney princess. The photo of her and Chuck is so sweet it speaks volumes. That picture makes me taste the water, hear the giggles in the air and the sun on my skin. I was trasported back to being little and carefree. Thanks for sharring. This is always my little break of the day to check in on you and your family. My son is going on ten and I feel like we must have been on fast forward by accident. Where did it go ? I'm feeling like if I go to bed tonight he'll be leaving for college tomorrow. Enjoy her, spoil her with love & attention and all the praising you can because life can be challenging.
101. Karihun said:
I too hope I can let my son know that he will always be good enough.
102. Jordan said:
Go Mama! Go!
Growing up I thought my mother was the most beautiful person in the world, and, because everyone told me I looked like my dad, I never thought I was pretty. When I was 13, after our 8th grade party, my mom told me I looked beautiful. It's the only time I can remember her saying that to me while I was growing up. She wanted me to be smart and confident, and that pretty wasn't as important.
Now my husband tells me I'm pretty all the time. For years I didn't believe him. Three weeks after our wedding I cut all my hair off, and the lady styled my hair with it's natural curl, something I do very rarely. When she turned me around to look in the mirror I choked, because I looked so incredibly like my mom it was scary. My husband freaked and made me wash my hair and "fix it." To this day it makes me laugh, but really, it was that moment that made me realize that I was, in fact, pretty. I was almost 25 years old. That is WAY too old to start feeling comfortable in your own skin.
Tell her she's pretty AND smart AND loved. Because, she is all of those things and more. You guys are awesome.
103. Caren said:
A couple years ago my niece said to my Mom "Grandma do you know why people like me?" To which Mom responded "Because you're smart? Funny? Kind?" "No Grandma, people like me because I'm PRETTY." (During this time, the first words out of people's mouths upon meeting my niece were "My, you are so pretty!"
Needless to say my brother, my niece's father, was horrified.
It's a constant struggle to find the balance between praising one's child for their beauty (internal & external) without it turning into the only quality they think they encompass.
104. VeddyVeddyBadAng said:
You know, my mom told me I was beautiful all the time, but I never really believed it. I figured she HAD to tell me that, because I was her daughter, and was therefore biased. She also told me I was smart, but THAT I believed. (Mainly because I could figure that out myself by looking at my report card). The people who really informed me of my relative "beauty" was my peers, and they told me I was an ugly nerd, which I thoroughly believed until late high school.
In reality, the thing that meant the most was that my Mom told me she loved me, and never acted disappointed if I failed. I think she could tell that I was beating myself up plenty – enough for the both of us!
105. nicklebee said:
This entry finally drove me to comment. I know others have said something similar, but that last statement is so important. My mother once told me that I was pretty, but not beautiful, and it crushed me. I always got the feeling that I did good in school, but I could do better. Everything was like that.
My boyfriend on the other hand has such a supportive family/extended family and I know he feels like he will be good enough no matter what. I wish I know how that felt. Even though I love my parents, at 23 I'm just starting to feel like it's possible to be good enough, just as I am. And I have promised myself that I will make sure any I children I have in the future will know that about themselves.
I hope you are able to teach Leta that, it's the most important message you can give her. She is smart, she is beautiful, and she is good enough no matter what. All these things are important.
106. nicklebee said:
This entry finally drove me to comment. I know others have said something similar, but that last statement is so important. My mother once told me that I was pretty, but not beautiful, and it crushed me. I always got the feeling that I did good in school, but I could do better. Everything was like that.
My boyfriend on the other hand has such a supportive family/extended family and I know he feels like he will be good enough no matter what. I wish I know how that felt. Even though I love my parents, at 23 I'm just starting to feel like it's possible to be good enough, just as I am. And I have promised myself that I will make sure any I children I have in the future will know that about themselves.
I hope you are able to teach Leta that, it's the most important message you can give her. She is smart, she is beautiful, and she is good enough no matter what. All these things are important.
107. JustLinda said:
I have five girls and given this a lot of thought. I don't know that there is any one 'right' answer. I think we need to tell them they are beautiful just as much as we need to tell them they are smart. I also think that at some point, they are going to discount both of those as "Well, you're my MOM so you *have* to think that." and write us off altogether.
I remember once my mom telling me how OBSERVANT I was. That stuck. I think it was because she pointed out that most kids my age were not that. I was also labeled as CREATIVE and that stuck too. I think when we give genuine praise on what makes our child special from others, that might be what they remember.
But I still think we need to tell them all the other stuff too, just because if we don't, our hearts just may BURST with it all.
Even with praise of the physical, as they get older, I would say be SPECIFIC. My 2nd daughter was always told she had very full and beautiful lips and a great arch to her eye brows. She believed that 'cause it resonated.
You can mention Leta's eye brow arch but she might not really appreciate that until she's older. LOL
By the way, Leta has the most beautiful large sincere looking eyes... and oh, those lashes. Yes, we all think that they are just incredibly beautiful. Because they all are.
108. textilesdiva said:
You seem to have a good handle on this parenting thing (as best one can).
109. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I don't think there is anything wrong with telling someone they are pretty or smart. Then again, being told both can lead to problems, or being forced to be one or the other can lead to problems. Last night's episode of Shalom in the Home was a prime example. But it sounds like Leta is neither being forced to be something she isn't, nor is she being showered with too much praise. You are just being parents, giving your child unconditional love and acceptance. And that is beautiful.
That post was amazing, Heather.
110. Hemlock said:
Here's my two cents.
As long as you are saying positive things to her, it doesn't matter. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her she's smart. Tell her you are proud of her. No harm can come of it as long as it's positive.
111. stephanie said:
i don't know if someone already mentioned this or not, but last night when there was nothing else on i watched "shalom in the home" on tlc, and if you don't already know it's a little jewish guy named schmuly [schmoo-LEE] who travels around in a silver mobil home to help families.
anyway, your entry just now was pretty much exactly word for word what last night's episode was about, it was kind of eerie.
and you are absolutely right, and now you can say the jewish therapist guy agrees with you, so you KNOW you are right.
:)
112. Tiggerlane said:
I apologize for not reading all the previous comments, but I applaud you for weighing your words carefully as you choose which ones to laud upon your daughter. I would not hesitate to use "beautiful" or "smart." I would caution you about calling her "special." Lately, it seems a lot of the spoiled young brats of the world took that compliment the wrong way as they heard it growing up, and it has given them the idea that they are more-deserving of the species. They have used it to justify actions that are unappealing and selfish.
Then again, I can't believe I even commented. You are fantastic parents, and just neurotic enough that Leta will come away with confidence and a sense of what's right and wrong in this world.
And she is beautiful, inside and out!
113. TeenSleuth said:
What a beautiful post. I don't think it's a bad thing to tell Leta she's beautiful. She is! And besides, isn't beauty just the spark of life and goodness and promise that's inside her? Children are beautiful because they're fresh and pure and just because you can see it in her face doesn't mean it's not as "real" or it's less meaningful as praising her kindness or her patience.
You've made my birthday (today) even nicer. Thanks!
114. snubbed said:
I think hearing positive things is really important to a child. I've never thought of separating comments about looks from those about intelligence etc., because I think all of these are encouraging. I thik that as long as you also tell her that she is good enough, and she always will be, then any compliment will just add to her truly believing that she is.
I often tell my little guy that he's perfect... No human really is, but in the eyes of those who love him truly, he is perfect. We wouldn't change anything about him...
I say go ahead and shower her with compliments, and back them up with assurance that she will always be good enough. Period.
:)
115. GoodTxGirl said:
My boys are 15 and 20 and I still tell them how handsome and wonderful they are each and every day. No one was around to tell me those things when I was growing up so I vowed to NEVER let a day go by without telling my children how important they are in this world....and that they are loved, no matter what!
116. MelanieinOrygun said:
Oh, god. You know, I struggled with that with my girls, too... tell them they are more beautiful to me than any other being on the planet? Tell them they are the most brilliant girls I have ever known? Tell them I will always love them, no matter what? I finally settled on D) All of the above, and it seems to be working well so far.
Wish they gave out instruction manuals for these things when you pop 'em out, but they don't. Sounds to me like you have a damn good handle on it, though.
117. GoodTxGirl said:
My boys are 15 and 20 and I still tell them how handsome and wonderful they are each and every day. No one was around to tell me those things when I was growing up so I vowed to NEVER let a day go by without telling my children how important they are in this world....and that they are loved, no matter what!
118. Trouble in Mind said:
My folks did a great job at making me feel like I was loved no matter what. I am tring to pass that same sense of security on to my (nearly) eight year old son. I tell him he is handsome (he doesn't like the word 'cute') and smart and funny and most of all that I love him 'no matter what'.
I also tell him that even when he is a wrinkly old man with a long gray beard, he will still be my little baby boy. He has learned to laugh and roll his eyes at the same time.
119. kawaface said:
love no matter what. it's such an important thing for children to know, i think.
my mom would tell me i was beautiful when i was feeling ugly...it surely must be nice to be told that for no reason, not just as a way to cheer up.
120. simzgirl said:
Wow. What a truly amazing post. Thank you for sharing it with us. Now we just need all the other parents in the world to get that message across!
121. Jennifer in Kansas City said:
My father is dying of cancer, and as I drove away from my last visit, these words flew into my head, "I turned out pretty good, and he knows it." And then I burst into tears.
All I ever wanted was to measure up. Now all I want is more time to measure.
Good for you to see how important that message is, for it is probably the most overlooked one.
122. coffeygirlb said:
There ya go babe. you're ready for number two. Child # 2 that is!
123. Ter said:
I've always told my kids they're beautiful -- even my boys. I know I'm reacting to their sheer physical beauty, but it's more than that: everything about them is beauty to me, including how they feel in my arms, how they make me feel at the moment I'm doing something with/for them, a moment of joy I would never otherwise experience -- I'm certain as parents that we call our children beautiful because of so many variables, not just their appearance -- at least that's how I've always felt. I can just talk about one of my children, without them being present, and describe how beautiful they are.
Having said that, I don't think you can ever tell your kids enough how beautiful/smart they are -- so many people say so many damaging things to their children & to tell our children how special we (as parents) think they are is totally cool.
This post really made me feel good -- thank you.
124. sasha said:
My mom tells me all the time to stop telling my boys how gorgeous they are. I don't know where people get the notion that you can hurt a child with too much love. I tell them that they're smart, funny, creative, and beautiful. I also tell them that I love them when they make me angry, and that I love them when they're angry with me. I also tell them when they're fucking up or pissing me off. All in the name of good communication. They seem to get the message.
And one more thing...life is often kinder to beautiful people...we automatically assign qualities like smart, kind, friendly to those who are good-looking. Lucky for your daughter (and you, too, for that matter) to be so damned gorgeous.
125. DesiDancer said:
Bravo, dooce! I wish more people put half as much thought as you have into how to instill senses of self-worth and personal pride in their children.
and for good measure, would you mind calling me and telling me I'm good, no matter what? ;)
126. Kari said:
Tell her as many times as it takes for her to believe it. I recently found journals from my teens and I'm shocked at how low my self-esteem was. Not that my parents didn't tell me enough or told me too much that I was smart and beautiful...but I was probably 25 before I believed it.
Lot of wasted years not feeling good enough.
127. Elise said:
Beauty and brains are definitely the accessories that make life a whole lot easier. But I think that qualities like patience, honesty, intellectual curiosity, the ability to take risks and courage are what parents should really value about their children. How do you teach these values in today's world?
128. Heather Tinsley said:
I just had to comment and send you a huge BRAVA Dooce. I completely, 100%, wholeheartedly agree with what you said in your post today. It is good and right to reinforce a child's knowlege of his or her natural gifts, and it is equally good and right that the child knows that he or she is valuable simply for being the unique being they are. We all could use some parenting like that, even as adults!
I also think (warning warning completely unsolicited advice coming discard if not helpful) that this kind of parenting is especially good when there is more than one child in a family, so kids don't start falling into family "roles." It always hurt me that my parents didn't appreciate the musical talent I had, which, though small in comparison to my sister's, was still there.
129. schadenfreudette said:
oops. is it bad then that i get my 4 year old to eat broccolli by telling her it will make her smart AND pretty?
i do know what you mean though. i was told so often about how smart i was growing up, it was hard to identify myself beyond that, and it became integral to my self worth. i just try to make sure to compliment my daughters (age 3 and 4) on non-conventional things too.
they get praise for being unique, silly, funny, weird, pathological, clever, clean, messy, all of it.
130. LawLawChelle said:
I tell my daughter she's beautiful all the time, as well as as smart, loving, etc. My mom never commented on my looks except in the negative. She believed she should focus on my intellect instead. When I was in junior high I asked her if I was pretty and she said, "You're no Miss America." So I thought I was ugly. Imagine my surprise when I got my first "real" job and the older women started saying I was hired because of my looks. ha! Those old cows thought I was pretty, and that my looks were more overwhelming than my overly-praised intellect? I could have kissed them all. One thing I do tell my daughter, though, is that everyone has a different idea of beautiful, and that it's the way some people like chocolate ice cream and some people like vanilla. I think this is really important. And true.
131. Be Still said:
I'm a firm believer in telling my child how handsome, smart, kind and simply wonderful he is. I do it often and unconditionally. That's what we all deserve from our parents but rarely get.
A child needs a safe harbor in a frequently cruel world. That is what a home represents to us.
In this culture, people are constantly bombarded with messages about their inadequacy. I see my actions as merely balancing the scale.
132. DG said:
I haven't a single memory of my mother telling me that she thought I was beautiful, not even on my wedding day. I know that sounds awful, but she was a good mom, if a little demanding sometimes. I know that she didn't want me to grow up vain, or hung up on looks. I think it made me more insecure, actually, because your parents are your only mirrors as a kid. You're not old enough to have an opinion about what you look like, and no one's going to tell you if you're a pretty 7 year old. Most of my friends grew up with parents who complimented them, and they would just roll their eyes and think "of course she thinks I'm pretty, she's my mom!" But I feel like that allowed them to move on, and laid a foundation for confidence in themselves and the traits that would really matter later. I've always been much too hung up on it, obsessing about certain features, always feeling like the odd duckling in a room full of confident women. As an Asian girl growing up in a mostly white community, that's not an easy thing to deal with. I've pretty much made up my mind that when I have kids I'll tell them they're beautiful, as I'm sure they will be to me!
So yeah, Dooce, I'd tell Leta. I'd have a hard time not telling her!
133. Jill Murray said:
Why is this post making me tear up? I'm not even PMS. Damn you Heather B. Armstrong! (OK, not really.)
134. Sandra Heikkinen said:
It's hard, I think, to raise children (daughters especially) who are confident in their smarts, looks...everything...without raising them to be cocky. Sounds like you're getting the balance right.
135. Nikki Jeske said:
That is a wonderful philosophy.
136. laura said:
I simply want to say that as a woman whose Mom has always made her feel that I'm never good enough, the last line in your entry made me cry. Leta is such a lucky girl to have a Mom with such unconditional love. It's something I've always said I will instill in my children, the idea that I love them no matter what they turn out to be. It's a sentiment I've come to accept I will never get from my mother.
My mom stated to me a few months ago that her only dream for me was to get a college degree (I'm about 4 credits short of one with hopes to finish it soon). I simply wanted to respond to her "I wish your dream for me, Mom, was simply that I be happy and healthy." I didn't have the energy or gumption to say it, though. So that is my quiet, internal plea whenever I think about that conversation; I want her to just love me for who I am and rejoice in the fact that I am happy and healthy.
137. Charlie said:
When I kiss my kids good night and tell them that I love them, I make it a point to compliment each one on something new every day. Sometimes it's as basic as "you really made me laugh hard at dinner time" or "thanks for being so sweet to your grandma" or even something like: "I think you fart louder than I can scream." The point is to find something that they DIDN'T work at and say "that was really good."
138. VickyTH said:
Being told you're beautiful by your mother is not the same as being told you are beautiful by a neutral third party, as we all know. Your mother, when she says that you're beautiful, is talking about the whole you, including the parts that much of the world never sees. Keep telling her she's beautiful. She'll need to know that someone who really knows her thinks she is, at some point.
139. aylaofnopeople said:
This makes me want a kid, as much as I've always said I loathe children in their entirety and vowed never to have any of my own.
140. Keb said:
I struggle with this issue and my two daughters. I want them to know how beautiful, smart, funny, witty, caring, loving, etc they are. But I don't want to raise little diva's either. Thin, thin line me thinks.
141. Jackie said:
Really, your daughter is so lucky to have parents that worry about such things.
142. mayersquare said:
I can't find anything wrong with providing your child with a good self-image and confidence! Everyone loves to hear that they are beautiful and smart.....goes back to the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all", and I think those things definitely qualify! Kudos!
143. tk said:
There's nothing wrong with telling her how beautiful she is. Or how smart she is. Or how much you love her. I think the people that do their children the biggest disservice in this world are the ones who don't compliment their children or hug or kiss them enough etc. You don't strike me as the type that will spoil their child and turn them into a rotten little monster that thinks the whole world revolves around them. Now those are the kids that are going to be fucked up. I have a couple cousins that are perfect examples of this. One of whom I'd like to kick in the ass and tell her to smarten the hell up. She's had every advantage in the world and still treats her entire family like shit.
Hell, I even know parents that have kids that get pissed off when they don't get their way and then they tell their parents that they hate them. You want to know what the parent's response is? "I hate you too!!". How awful is that!!!!
I did not get to comment on your previous entry before you closed comments on it. I hope that your Aunt Lola is doing well and hope she will be feeling better soon. That video of Leta was completely precious.
TK
144. dre said:
Every person needs to hear that they are beautiful and smart - especially from their parents! It's when kids are taught that they are better than other people because of it, that it becomes a problem.
It was a strange revelation when I finally realized that my parents were just people and not super-heroes. Depsite their mistakes, one thing my sister and I ALWAYS believed growing up is that we are good enough! I will be forever grateful to my parents for giving us self-esteem and self-worth.
145. Stacey said:
My mother would never tell me I was pretty... never let anyone else tell me either. I was 25 before I was convinced I wasn't hideous because if my own mother didn't think I was pretty, how could anyone else.
Tell her she's pretty, tell her she's smart. Tell her there's something she does that she's the "best" at doing. It's good for her.
146. monkey said:
I don't see anything wrong with complimenting one's child. I mean, I see what you're saying and all..but I don't see positive, encouraging comments as being damaging.
147. just a crazy woman said:
I don't have children... but if I ever do, I won't read any of those "how to raise your kid" books. I'll take notes from reading Dooce, because your view point is at least truthful and real. Thanks!!
148. lyndsey_elise said:
I, too, tell my daughter that she is beautiful on a daily basis. You just can't help it.
By the way did you watch Shalom in the Home last night too?
149. Bluevartouhi said:
Gosh Heather, why is it that your posts about Leta always strike such a chord with me? This isn't the first time I've teared up at something you wrote about how you show your love to your daughter. I've never felt good enough. Leta is very lucky.
150. barbercharm said:
As a mother of a son and a daughter (who are both SUPER cute and smart!) I never miss an opportunity to tell them both how wonderful they are. Self worth needs to start young and at home! In my opinion, in this world, especially for girls, people are always trying to make you feel worthless and that you aren't good enough. So why not equip our children with the confidence and self worth they need to know THEY ARE GOOD ENOUGH and can do whatever it is they desire. And I pray that my daughter will not have to settle for the shmuck that puts her down and makes her feel worthless because at least it's someone paying attention to her. Our hope is for her to not settle until she finds the man that will treat her the way she deserves to be treated, like the most beautiful Princess in all the land.
Good job Heather. You, in my book, are a wonderful mother.
151. margalit said:
She is beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful (I'd kill for those eyelashes) and she's also smart. These are just two facets of who Leta is in this world. But when you compliment her one these, you want to also compliment her on how kind she is, and how helpful, and how she cares for others, and her empathy with Chuck, etc. Make sure that all the things that make her beautiful, including her singing, are complimented and she'll grow up feeling good about herself without feeling self-important. It's the parents that ONLY comment on one facet of their child, whether it be that the kid is a good athlete or very brainy or strikingly pretty that ensure the kid will have self-doubts. As Leta grows, make sure that she knows that even the things that aren't particularly attractive now, like her ability to argue you under a rock, are good qualities in an adult, say if she wants to go to Law School.
152. gorgeoux said:
I was about 15 when I learned from my mom and dad's colleagues that they brag about me all the time, not simply as being good enough but being super good. I was stunned that everybody else would hear it but me. Now I'm almost the double age and I'm hearing it from them, too. However, I think that it imprinted me with a push-too-hard attitude about everything that scares the hell out of many people. It's unthinkable not to push hard, and it's unthinkable that I'd lay this upon a child. Luckily, it seems like I won't have any.
153. Melanieflorida said:
There's nothing wrong with telling your little girl she is beautiful and smart. She's beautiful inside and out and smart and can do anything and be anything she wants to be. And if more women had mothers like you when they were little girls, then we wouldn't have as much bullshit to put up with because we'd grow up with stronger self-esteem, knowing these things. Keep it up. (Holy shit, Leta is speaking Spanish now?)
154. Lindsay said:
This is the reason I keep reading this blog. You astound me, Heather, with how witty and funny you are, and then you make me cry because I can read your love for your daughter, pixel by teeny, tiny pixel, and it gives me hope.
I hope one day Leta knows exactly what kind of woman you are. She will be so proud.
155. Michykeen said:
Over the weekend, someone told me I was beautiful inside and out. It was the best compliment I've ever received in my life. I think we all could stand to hear that a little more often.
156. deannie said:
What you wrote in your post? THAT is what you tell your daughter, just in words that make sense to a tiny child.
I have always told my daughter that I thought she was so pretty but she also heard the message that her behavior very much dictated how pretty she really was. It is such an easy lesson to teach at the most innocent moments, like when you are putting on your makeup ("I want to look a little better but I know Daddy loves me even without it, don't you agree?") or when you run into children who are so misbehaved and unpleasant you can't help remark, "They act so ugly that I don't want to be around them. I am so glad you know how to behave...you can see how nice it is to be around other kids who are good and kind, can't you?"
There are days my daughter (now 15) amazes me because she is indeed a kind gentle compassionate soul who doesn't doubt the love of her parents for a second and worries about normal things like how to care for that stupid acne all 15 year olds have to deal with. She has her own sense of style that has never been swayed much by the popular girls at school. Can you imagine? I couldn't till I saw her.
I think you said it in an earlier post about how your mommy instincts had kicked in; go with your gut. No one knows your daughter like you do, never forget that.
You are a good mom, it is obvious even from a distance.
Hugs,
157. sarah said:
The option is what my mother told me when I asked her if she thought I was pretty; "you'll never be as pretty as Melinda" ( my friend)
158. The Bold Soul said:
Long comment, but you really hit a nerve for me and I wanted to tell you not to worry about overdoing the praise for Leta.
We've been telling my niece how beautiful she is since she was born. We also tell her she's smart and funny and we regularly reinforce the things she's talented at, not just with our words but with our active participation -- like going to her school concert tomorrow. For a girl of 13 she's remarkably self-assured and well-adjusted, and she seems comfortable in her own skin. She's short and already chesty and probably gen