Beautiful post. Beautiful daughter. I think you should always tell her that. And that she's smart. And that babies from outer space. You know... the important stuff.

there is nothing wrong in telling your child that he/she is beautiful. once in a while it wouldn't hurt. i think it would be awful for you NOT to tell her.

babies come* from outer space... i'm sure you got what i meant

I just got back from my daughter's kindergarten graduation. She was singled out because she can read at a level 20 (when most kindergarteners read at a level 2). She won numerous academic awards.

She was also the only student to be picked to sing a solo part in one of their songs. She started beautifully then got nervous and started to cry.

Afterward she told me that she was disppointed in herself because she cried during the song.

But yet when a friend told her that she was the smartest kid in the class, I quanitified it and stressed that she not be measured by other kids but by her own accomplishments on their own.

She's amazing in so many ways, I'm humbled by her.

Every post, every photo, they ooze love and goodness.

Love it, Dooce! I struggle with this one too, as I find myself telling my daughter how pretty she is all the time!

I think above all else, you are right, the most important thing is that she knows her parents love her no matter what. And adding all of the compliments on top can't hurt, in my opinion. :) She is a very beautiful girl!

Well said Dooce. Pride in your children is a wonderful thing, and there is no doubt you are the proudest mama you can be.

I think it is wonderful to give your child complements from your heart. The more confidence she has at home, the more she will have out in the world.

absolutely. tell her she's beautiful and tell her she's smart. and tell her that even though those things are true that what's most important is that she tries. then her beauty and her brains will combine with her effort to make her unstoppable.

A well rounded kiddo NEEDS to hear both...and of course all the other good stuff in life.

A great post...as usual.

there's nothing wrong with telling her she's beautiful or smart as long as it's not way too over the top.

As for our family, we say my son's cute all of the time, but we concentrate more on real interaction and encouragement with him. Lots of "good job", "great effort", etc.

I guess if you feel weird about telling her SHE's beautiful all of the time, you could say THAT's beautiful. As in, aren't the ponytails beautiful and doesn't your sweater look great, accentuating things involved with her and not her specifically all of the time.

I tell my 7-week old daughter that she's a beautiful girl about every 5 minutes. And I find myself quickly adding, "And so smart, too!"

This was a great post. I can relate on so many levels.

You are an amazing mother.

Heather, THANK YOU FOR THAT LAST SENTENCE. Because I think that is the most important part, that Leta will ALWAYS be good enough. That is something that I still struggle with, and I am nearly 28.

There are so many things that you teach Leta that I wish my parents would have taught me.

I think telling girls TOO often that they are cute/pretty/beautiful can be dangerous. I know this because I've read lots of books about the subject-how girls become obsessed or preoccupied with their appearance because their appearance is what gets them so much attention. Haven't we all heard stories about models or acctresses who are gorgeous but feel ugly? It's because if you learn that your value is associated with your appearance, your self worth is too caught up in things you have little control over-external factors. Yes, of course you can balance out your comments with ones that praise her intelligence, behavior, work that she has done-but be careful. Let her know that she is beautiful to you but don't overemphasize it. Give her attention for what she does (and doesn't do), not so much for what she looks like.

It never goes away Heather. My youngest will be 7 this year and I found myself, just last night, looking at him while he slept thinking "he is so perfect and cute and adorable". Of course, I could never say those things while he was awake or he'd be mortified! But I still find time as often as he'll stand still to tell him I think he's terrific in every way.

When I was little, my parents told me both that I was smart, and that I was beautiful. My dad's nickname for me was "pretty girl." It seems odd now that I've typed it, but it always sounded sweet (despite the fact that he and I no longer speak).

But the one thing I remember the most is my mom saying, "Shannon, Shannon, Shannon, why do I love you SO much?" And my answer, the correct answer always was, "Just because I'm me."

I think as long as Leta understands that your love is unconditional (and I cannot imagine her ever thinking something else from everything I've read here), the comments about her beauty and brains can only support her self-esteem.

You seem like a great mom, Heather.
-Shannon

Take it from a kid whose parents told her on a regular basis how unattractive and stupid she was, it's OK to tell Leta those things. Like it or not, the voice we hear in our heads is that of our parents- until we can find our own voice. I'm glad for Leta that you guys are filling her with positive images of herself.

And it tickles me that you and Jon have the foresight to go even further, to let her know that she is a good and worthy person- that her internal value can not be measured. There are no scales or tests for that kind of beauty.

Since he was little I've been telling my oldest that he's gorgeous. Well, imagine my embarrassment one day (he was three at the time) when my mom called him "cute", and in a disgusted tone he corrected her, "no I'm not, I'm GORGEOUS!!!"

Leta is wonderful, and so are you.

that gave me goosebumps.

I tell my children they are beautiful inside and out.

When my 8yo was about 6, he did something clever (can't remember specifically) and a dialoge insued...

I said "Good job! you are very smart"
He replied "Yea, I know!"
and my husband added "And he's humble, too".

first of all, leta is beautiful, and her pigtails make me want to bite her head. second, my mother calls me beautiful all the time, and it doesn't make me feel like my self worth is tied to loveliness... the thing is, when it's your mom, you don't believe her so much. :) it's more that it teaches you that when someone loves you, they think you're beautiful.

I tell my kids their pretty (even my son) and smart all the time. When I was growing up people always told me I was "cute." Not the same as pretty, but I think it helped me be secure enough about my looks that I didn't obsess over them. I think it helped me free my self worth, not pin it on my looks.

My mom told me that I was smart and pretty and talented, and that she loved me...but also that she LIKED me a whole lot too. She liked me so much, she said, that she would even like me if I was not her kid and she met me somewhere else and she didn't already know how smart and pretty and talented I was.

As a mother of a 15-year old, I have a comment to add to that. It's possible that a day will come when you will wish that Leta would be better than she is making an effort to be. You were an over-achiever, right Heather? Try maintaining that stance when your child is an under-achiever. It's very difficult to make them feel accepted for "who they are" when you know they should be doing so much better. I'm sure my daughter does not feel "good enough" some days, but does that mean I lower my expectations? It's tough...

The best thing my wife and I have done with our 3-year-old is tell her she can control her emotions and her decisions.

It sounds a bit weird, I know, but we've taught her a very simple breathing technique for when she goes into one of her "OCD Threes" rages if someone walks incorrectly down the hall.

The best thing I've ever heard her say is "Mommy and Daddy I calmed myself down!"

Best. Phrase. Ever.

It sucks, mostly because they're pulling away from you anyway, but teaching your kid to be independent and self-reliant and telling them they have the power to achieve is incredibly powerful.

Which isn't to say we don't lavish her with "smart" and "beautiful" all the time, but we're aware - as you are - that no matter what, we love her.

Oh, and if you're in the tearjerking mood today, watch Fred Rogers testifying before Congress in 1969 on behalf of funding for PBS and Mister Rogers' Neighborhood [Via Waxy]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Sd7TcVH670

I looked at that video of her singing, and I thought, "Wow, she's turning into such a little lady!" Leta is for sure beautiful and quite smart. You can't hold back the truth, but yeah, it's good to keep her head near the ground, where things that are more important matter.

My beautiful (step) daughter will graduate from high school this weekend. Many, many people have told her that she's gorgeous (which she is) but she still points out her physical flaws to herself and others. She is also witty, intelligent, and extremely kind-hearted. In spite of all of this (and due to lots of problems with her bio mom) I still have to remind her that she is and will always be *good enough*. For some reason, it's hard to convince females of their outstanding characteristics.
A good friend of mine has a daughter who was very assertive as a toddler and young child. My friend worried that her daughter would be perceived as "too smart, or too bossy" and asked if she should try to rein in her daughter. I quietly told her that life (and middle school) would diminish those tendencies by at least 50%, so she should encourage her daughter to be exactly who she wanted to be. (Much to my sadness, I was right.)
(By the way--Leta is gorgeous. And she's so so lucky to have such fabulous parents.)

I think it is important for kids to hear both that they are smart and beautiful. Especially from parents.

Kids go into the real world and just hear how they need to better themselves. How they are not as pretty or smart as someone else. And it is true. But it is good for them to have a core belief that they are pretty and smart. It balances it out.

I think the greatest gift my parents ever gave me - and this includes a new car when I graduated from college - was the deep-down, unshakable knowledge that I am a great person and that, just the way I am, I'm completely and eminently LOVABLE. That's gotten me through a lot of bad times and bad people.

It's more important, to me, than feeling pretty or smart, because those things come and go. Being loved and lovable, that lasts forever.

I think the greatest gift my parents ever gave me - and this includes a new car when I graduated from college - was the deep-down, unshakable knowledge that I am a great person and that, just the way I am, I'm completely and eminently LOVABLE. That's gotten me through a lot of bad times and bad people.

It's more important, to me, than feeling pretty or smart, because those things come and go. Being loved and lovable, that lasts forever.

Wow, Heather. If you ever figure out how to get that message across, please let the rest of us know. You rock.

Ah, my mom said this to me a week ago, and I swear, at 32, it's saving my life that they love me like they do.

I've always made a point of telling my both my son and my daughter that they were beautiful and smart and kind and loved. It's worked so well that my almost 4-year old daughter had the following discussion with her dad the other night:

"I'm beautiful and pretty with my hair in a ponytail."

yes you are, sweetheart. you get that from your mother.

"Yes, but I'm prettier."

LOL!

She also informed me last night that EVERYONE loves her, except the people in China, and that's just because they don't know her.

You got it exactly right.
EVERYTHING Leta does, ALL that she is... her beauty, her intelligence, her adorable nose, the way she cocks her head, her lovely hair, her delightful smile, the way she laughs, how often she cries, how well she walks, the way her hands hold crayons (or "crowns" ;) ), how frequently she hugs you... ALL good enough. Always.

I have a friend whose daughter was stunning. STUNNING -- all tan-skinned and curly-haired with the most amazing chocolate eyes. You couldn't get past it when looking at her. Then, her daughter lost one of her eyes. And it was suddenly all anyone could talk about... that she'd lost that beauty, or some of it. It made me SO sad, realizing that the "thing" that everyone had defined her by... was gone. Because there had been SO much more to this delightful, wonderful little girl. I wish we'd all noticed and paid more obvious attention to the other amazing parts of her BEFORE.

So now, when people fawn over my daughter and swear that she's just the most beautiful creature, sure, I agree. She is... ;) But she's so much more than that, and I make sure that I let her know it.

Like Leta, above ALL else, I want her to know that, no matter what she does, no matter what she looks like... she will ALWAYS be just right. ALWAYS be good enough.

Thanks for putting all of this into perspective, Heather.

I did really well on tests growing up. When I was in the 4th grade I got a perfect score on an IQ test and this made the local paper. My high school math teacher was concerned about who I was dating because "I had a responsibility to my genes". My parents were constantly talking about how smart I was. I went to an Ivy League school and did very well. My whole sense of self-worth was built on being smart and to this day I never feel "good enough".

Laurie Berkner has a song for kids called "I'm not perfect" that I think every kid should have.

you are an amazing mother.

I always compliment my nieces and nephew on their sanity. "Still sane then? Good job!"

Given their/our heritage, I think maintaining sanity is an admirable goal.

I think it's important to tell children that you love them, and that you will always love them no matter what. I also think it's important to tell little girls that they are beautiful and that they are smart. I was never told either. I grew up wondering if I was pretty and finally had to ask my mom when I was about 13. I got straight A's my entire school life but no one ever said Good Job or Wow Are You Smart or Wow Am I Proud of You. I am now in my 30s and I still can't feel beautiful and even though I have a graduate degree I never feel smart enough. I always knew I was loved, even though it wasn't stated often, but I have always questioned my looks AND my intelligence. If I ever have a child I will tell them they are beautiful and smart and more than good enough.

aaahhhh!!! seriously, this made me cry.
i know that my whole chidlhood, i was told how pretty i am, or how smart, althetic, whatever, and that my parents were proud. but i think maybe all this had lead me to believe subconciously that if i messed up, i would be a huge disappointment, and that was worse than anything. its probably the reason for a lot of my cynicism and secret feelings of failure. and i don't know how you teach a child that they will always be good enough - because your love is totally 100% unconditional - without ruining the idea of rules and discipline and all that...

seriously, you tell me if you figure it out, because i have yet to. and i am terrified that i am screwing up some little life everyday. <-- just another bit of proof of the fear of disappointment...

You are such a great mom. When Leta reads these posts when she is older she will truly understand how much you love her. And it is ok to tell her she is beautiful because she is! In yesterday's video she was stunning--so adorably cute yet so completely lovely.

If it matters, I think your prior experiences will lead you in the right direction so that Leta feels "comfortable"...but don't expect her to have questions about her self beauty, smarts and being good enouh...that is just part of life itself...maybe the ugly part but still, if that is as ugly as it gets, I'll take it!

Amen.

Have you ever heard "there's only one perfect child...and every mother has it". (I happen to have 3 w/ my fourth due in 3 months!) Encourage your daughter in anyway possible, be it beauty, brains, comedic timing, poop ability, etc. Positive comments help raise a positive child. Did you know that Moms are children's cheerleaders! You can do it, you're fantastic... rah, rah, ree! It's what we do!

Maiken makes a good point. By the time we are parents, we struggle with beautiful and smart. If Leta is able to believe in those words now and know that to be beautiful is not just from the outside but from within, I would say that would be something she could carry with her for the rest of her life.

At some point in our adulthood we are able to form a negative connotation to that word. It's ashame really.

I think you are going about it the right way. I am pregnant with twins and I know it will be hard for my as a parent to teach them that and to not tell them how amazing they are all the time.

I have the world's most beautiful girl, too. I learned a lot about how to keep from conveying that sort of stuff in the book "Between Parent and Child" (Haim Ginott). Basically, he says to state facts, like, "That's a hard thing to do", when she accomplishes something. The child infers that it must mean she's good at it, or smart or whatever. By avoiding the actual judgment and allowing her to make her own valuations of her self, you set a foundation for self-esteem.

Now, she's only one, so it's not like she understands us when we KEEP saying, "You're so pretty". But one day (probably next week), we'll have to watch our words. I don't want her thinking it matters so much.

blah.blah.blah. As I drink a beer every night in front of her.

We've had this "debate" in our home regarding my 11 year old niece. She is smart (straight "A" student) and beautiful. We tell her both. My husband feels occasionally she's a little full of herself. As a women who had lots of self esteem issues, I'm happy she is a little "over" satisfied with her appearance. I think it's great to tell Leta she's smart and beautiful - especially from her dad. Girls get a lot of their self esteem from their fathers. Remember, they will eventually look for a man that in some ways reminds them of their father.

I believe we've done alright with my niece in praising her for both. Last week she wanted to do something and we were talking about trust. I said "well, I'm not sure I should allow you to go there." Her response? At eleven? "You should let me go, you've raised me to have integrity." Oh. Yeah. Right. Um, okay.

A few months ago I noticed myself calling my 2-year-old daughter "beauty" frequently. I did it not because of how she looks (though, of course, she is the most beautiful child ever born) but because I was expressing the overwhelming feeling I have for the preciousness of her entire self. It worried me, though, because the over-emphasis on looks can and does really hurt girls in our culture. And I don't want her to think that appearance is what really matters for girls. So now I try to temper the use of the word "beauty." I use "squishy and delicious" a lot now. The other thing I did? I started calling my 4-year-old son "beauty" too. He thinks it's great.

I have a 6 month boy...
I remember reading that you should try and avoid gender specific praise... like "Oh, who's my big, strong boy?".... but it just kind of slips out doesn't it?

You know, every time I see a picture of her I think
"God she is just such a little cutie" and she's not even mine, so I don't know how you couldn't tell her. I love those eyelashes, the skin and the perfect little lips. She's your own Disney princess. The photo of her and Chuck is so sweet it speaks volumes. That picture makes me taste the water, hear the giggles in the air and the sun on my skin. I was trasported back to being little and carefree. Thanks for sharring. This is always my little break of the day to check in on you and your family. My son is going on ten and I feel like we must have been on fast forward by accident. Where did it go ? I'm feeling like if I go to bed tonight he'll be leaving for college tomorrow. Enjoy her, spoil her with love & attention and all the praising you can because life can be challenging.

Go Mama! Go!

Growing up I thought my mother was the most beautiful person in the world, and, because everyone told me I looked like my dad, I never thought I was pretty. When I was 13, after our 8th grade party, my mom told me I looked beautiful. It's the only time I can remember her saying that to me while I was growing up. She wanted me to be smart and confident, and that pretty wasn't as important.

Now my husband tells me I'm pretty all the time. For years I didn't believe him. Three weeks after our wedding I cut all my hair off, and the lady styled my hair with it's natural curl, something I do very rarely. When she turned me around to look in the mirror I choked, because I looked so incredibly like my mom it was scary. My husband freaked and made me wash my hair and "fix it." To this day it makes me laugh, but really, it was that moment that made me realize that I was, in fact, pretty. I was almost 25 years old. That is WAY too old to start feeling comfortable in your own skin.

Tell her she's pretty AND smart AND loved. Because, she is all of those things and more. You guys are awesome.

You know, my mom told me I was beautiful all the time, but I never really believed it. I figured she HAD to tell me that, because I was her daughter, and was therefore biased. She also told me I was smart, but THAT I believed. (Mainly because I could figure that out myself by looking at my report card). The people who really informed me of my relative "beauty" was my peers, and they told me I was an ugly nerd, which I thoroughly believed until late high school.

In reality, the thing that meant the most was that my Mom told me she loved me, and never acted disappointed if I failed. I think she could tell that I was beating myself up plenty – enough for the both of us!

This entry finally drove me to comment. I know others have said something similar, but that last statement is so important. My mother once told me that I was pretty, but not beautiful, and it crushed me. I always got the feeling that I did good in school, but I could do better. Everything was like that.

My boyfriend on the other hand has such a supportive family/extended family and I know he feels like he will be good enough no matter what. I wish I know how that felt. Even though I love my parents, at 23 I'm just starting to feel like it's possible to be good enough, just as I am. And I have promised myself that I will make sure any I children I have in the future will know that about themselves.

I hope you are able to teach Leta that, it's the most important message you can give her. She is smart, she is beautiful, and she is good enough no matter what. All these things are important.

You seem to have a good handle on this parenting thing (as best one can).

Here's my two cents.

As long as you are saying positive things to her, it doesn't matter. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her she's smart. Tell her you are proud of her. No harm can come of it as long as it's positive.

I apologize for not reading all the previous comments, but I applaud you for weighing your words carefully as you choose which ones to laud upon your daughter. I would not hesitate to use "beautiful" or "smart." I would caution you about calling her "special." Lately, it seems a lot of the spoiled young brats of the world took that compliment the wrong way as they heard it growing up, and it has given them the idea that they are more-deserving of the species. They have used it to justify actions that are unappealing and selfish.

Then again, I can't believe I even commented. You are fantastic parents, and just neurotic enough that Leta will come away with confidence and a sense of what's right and wrong in this world.

And she is beautiful, inside and out!

I think hearing positive things is really important to a child. I've never thought of separating comments about looks from those about intelligence etc., because I think all of these are encouraging. I thik that as long as you also tell her that she is good enough, and she always will be, then any compliment will just add to her truly believing that she is.

I often tell my little guy that he's perfect... No human really is, but in the eyes of those who love him truly, he is perfect. We wouldn't change anything about him...

I say go ahead and shower her with compliments, and back them up with assurance that she will always be good enough. Period.
:)

Oh, god. You know, I struggled with that with my girls, too... tell them they are more beautiful to me than any other being on the planet? Tell them they are the most brilliant girls I have ever known? Tell them I will always love them, no matter what? I finally settled on D) All of the above, and it seems to be working well so far.
Wish they gave out instruction manuals for these things when you pop 'em out, but they don't. Sounds to me like you have a damn good handle on it, though.

My folks did a great job at making me feel like I was loved no matter what. I am tring to pass that same sense of security on to my (nearly) eight year old son. I tell him he is handsome (he doesn't like the word 'cute') and smart and funny and most of all that I love him 'no matter what'.

I also tell him that even when he is a wrinkly old man with a long gray beard, he will still be my little baby boy. He has learned to laugh and roll his eyes at the same time.

Wow. What a truly amazing post. Thank you for sharing it with us. Now we just need all the other parents in the world to get that message across!

There ya go babe. you're ready for number two. Child # 2 that is!

My mom tells me all the time to stop telling my boys how gorgeous they are. I don't know where people get the notion that you can hurt a child with too much love. I tell them that they're smart, funny, creative, and beautiful. I also tell them that I love them when they make me angry, and that I love them when they're angry with me. I also tell them when they're fucking up or pissing me off. All in the name of good communication. They seem to get the message.

And one more thing...life is often kinder to beautiful people...we automatically assign qualities like smart, kind, friendly to those who are good-looking. Lucky for your daughter (and you, too, for that matter) to be so damned gorgeous.

Tell her as many times as it takes for her to believe it. I recently found journals from my teens and I'm shocked at how low my self-esteem was. Not that my parents didn't tell me enough or told me too much that I was smart and beautiful...but I was probably 25 before I believed it.

Lot of wasted years not feeling good enough.

I just had to comment and send you a huge BRAVA Dooce. I completely, 100%, wholeheartedly agree with what you said in your post today. It is good and right to reinforce a child's knowlege of his or her natural gifts, and it is equally good and right that the child knows that he or she is valuable simply for being the unique being they are. We all could use some parenting like that, even as adults!

I also think (warning warning completely unsolicited advice coming discard if not helpful) that this kind of parenting is especially good when there is more than one child in a family, so kids don't start falling into family "roles." It always hurt me that my parents didn't appreciate the musical talent I had, which, though small in comparison to my sister's, was still there.

I tell my daughter she's beautiful all the time, as well as as smart, loving, etc. My mom never commented on my looks except in the negative. She believed she should focus on my intellect instead. When I was in junior high I asked her if I was pretty and she said, "You're no Miss America." So I thought I was ugly. Imagine my surprise when I got my first "real" job and the older women started saying I was hired because of my looks. ha! Those old cows thought I was pretty, and that my looks were more overwhelming than my overly-praised intellect? I could have kissed them all. One thing I do tell my daughter, though, is that everyone has a different idea of beautiful, and that it's the way some people like chocolate ice cream and some people like vanilla. I think this is really important. And true.

I haven't a single memory of my mother telling me that she thought I was beautiful, not even on my wedding day. I know that sounds awful, but she was a good mom, if a little demanding sometimes. I know that she didn't want me to grow up vain, or hung up on looks. I think it made me more insecure, actually, because your parents are your only mirrors as a kid. You're not old enough to have an opinion about what you look like, and no one's going to tell you if you're a pretty 7 year old. Most of my friends grew up with parents who complimented them, and they would just roll their eyes and think "of course she thinks I'm pretty, she's my mom!" But I feel like that allowed them to move on, and laid a foundation for confidence in themselves and the traits that would really matter later. I've always been much too hung up on it, obsessing about certain features, always feeling like the odd duckling in a room full of confident women. As an Asian girl growing up in a mostly white community, that's not an easy thing to deal with. I've pretty much made up my mind that when I have kids I'll tell them they're beautiful, as I'm sure they will be to me!

So yeah, Dooce, I'd tell Leta. I'd have a hard time not telling her!

It's hard, I think, to raise children (daughters especially) who are confident in their smarts, looks...everything...without raising them to be cocky. Sounds like you're getting the balance right.

I simply want to say that as a woman whose Mom has always made her feel that I'm never good enough, the last line in your entry made me cry. Leta is such a lucky girl to have a Mom with such unconditional love. It's something I've always said I will instill in my children, the idea that I love them no matter what they turn out to be. It's a sentiment I've come to accept I will never get from my mother.

My mom stated to me a few months ago that her only dream for me was to get a college degree (I'm about 4 credits short of one with hopes to finish it soon). I simply wanted to respond to her "I wish your dream for me, Mom, was simply that I be happy and healthy." I didn't have the energy or gumption to say it, though. So that is my quiet, internal plea whenever I think about that conversation; I want her to just love me for who I am and rejoice in the fact that I am happy and healthy.

Being told you're beautiful by your mother is not the same as being told you are beautiful by a neutral third party, as we all know. Your mother, when she says that you're beautiful, is talking about the whole you, including the parts that much of the world never sees. Keep telling her she's beautiful. She'll need to know that someone who really knows her thinks she is, at some point.

I struggle with this issue and my two daughters. I want them to know how beautiful, smart, funny, witty, caring, loving, etc they are. But I don't want to raise little diva's either. Thin, thin line me thinks.

I can't find anything wrong with providing your child with a good self-image and confidence! Everyone loves to hear that they are beautiful and smart.....goes back to the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all", and I think those things definitely qualify! Kudos!

Every person needs to hear that they are beautiful and smart - especially from their parents! It's when kids are taught that they are better than other people because of it, that it becomes a problem.

It was a strange revelation when I finally realized that my parents were just people and not super-heroes. Depsite their mistakes, one thing my sister and I ALWAYS believed growing up is that we are good enough! I will be forever grateful to my parents for giving us self-esteem and self-worth.

I don't see anything wrong with complimenting one's child. I mean, I see what you're saying and all..but I don't see positive, encouraging comments as being damaging.

I, too, tell my daughter that she is beautiful on a daily basis. You just can't help it.

By the way did you watch Shalom in the Home last night too?

As a mother of a son and a daughter (who are both SUPER cute and smart!) I never miss an opportunity to tell them both how wonderful they are. Self worth needs to start young and at home! In my opinion, in this world, especially for girls, people are always trying to make you feel worthless and that you aren't good enough. So why not equip our children with the confidence and self worth they need to know THEY ARE GOOD ENOUGH and can do whatever it is they desire. And I pray that my daughter will not have to settle for the shmuck that puts her down and makes her feel worthless because at least it's someone paying attention to her. Our hope is for her to not settle until she finds the man that will treat her the way she deserves to be treated, like the most beautiful Princess in all the land.

Good job Heather. You, in my book, are a wonderful mother.

I was about 15 when I learned from my mom and dad's colleagues that they brag about me all the time, not simply as being good enough but being super good. I was stunned that everybody else would hear it but me. Now I'm almost the double age and I'm hearing it from them, too. However, I think that it imprinted me with a push-too-hard attitude about everything that scares the hell out of many people. It's unthinkable not to push hard, and it's unthinkable that I'd lay this upon a child. Luckily, it seems like I won't have any.

This is the reason I keep reading this blog. You astound me, Heather, with how witty and funny you are, and then you make me cry because I can read your love for your daughter, pixel by teeny, tiny pixel, and it gives me hope.

I hope one day Leta knows exactly what kind of woman you are. She will be so proud.

What you wrote in your post? THAT is what you tell your daughter, just in words that make sense to a tiny child.

I have always told my daughter that I thought she was so pretty but she also heard the message that her behavior very much dictated how pretty she really was. It is such an easy lesson to teach at the most innocent moments, like when you are putting on your makeup ("I want to look a little better but I know Daddy loves me even without it, don't you agree?") or when you run into children who are so misbehaved and unpleasant you can't help remark, "They act so ugly that I don't want to be around them. I am so glad you know how to behave...you can see how nice it is to be around other kids who are good and kind, can't you?"

There are days my daughter (now 15) amazes me because she is indeed a kind gentle compassionate soul who doesn't doubt the love of her parents for a second and worries about normal things like how to care for that stupid acne all 15 year olds have to deal with. She has her own sense of style that has never been swayed much by the popular girls at school. Can you imagine? I couldn't till I saw her.

I think you said it in an earlier post about how your mommy instincts had kicked in; go with your gut. No one knows your daughter like you do, never forget that.

You are a good mom, it is obvious even from a distance.

Hugs,

Long comment, but you really hit a nerve for me and I wanted to tell you not to worry about overdoing the praise for Leta.

We've been telling my niece how beautiful she is since she was born. We also tell her she's smart and funny and we regularly reinforce the things she's talented at, not just with our words but with our active participation -- like going to her school concert tomorrow. For a girl of 13 she's remarkably self-assured and well-adjusted, and she seems comfortable in her own skin. She's short and already chesty and probably genetically destined to struggle with her weight (her aunts on both sides of the family have this issue), but to me she's beautiful, both physically and spiritually. Her personality is part of her "beauty". It's not that she never hears a negative word about herself from us, but she's gotten positive reinforcement her entire life. And it shows in how she handles herself. She's not boy-crazy, although she is about to have her first "date" with a boy at a school dance. She's got lots of friends. She's outgoing and active in school. And her grades have never been better.

When I think of what I was like at that age -- how I scrutinized every facial feature, criticized everything about myself I thought was "ugly" - my nose, my smile, my eyebrows, the shape of my body, my weight -- and how little I found to love about myself, I realize how infrequently I was told I was beautiful, or if I was complimented it was sort of in a backhanded kind of way. "You've got so much make-up on, you look like a whore; you're too pretty for that." I was told I was smart, but in the next breath was criticized for not working harder at my grades: "You're so smart but you're wasting your time when you should be studying!" I was told I was musical, but no one believed I could do anything with it.

Maybe my mother was criticized a lot when she was a child, so she didn't know how to give a genuine compliment and let it stand on its own. Or perhaps she was of that generation that thought children should be raised to be humble and modest and that you shouldn't toot your own horn, so she couldn't give ONLY positive feedback, she had to temper it with something negative. All I know is I grew up in a constant state of fear of being criticized, and I live with that to this day, especially from my mother. I never feel "good enough" in her eyes, and often not even in my own.

I recall someone on Oprah once (Toni Morrison I think) talking about "When your child walks into the room, what do they see in your eyes?" Some parents are conditioned to look for what's wrong: is her hair combed, is his shirt tucked in, and why the hell did she pick THAT outfit to wear, it looks like hell on her? They do that because they think it's their job to create perfect children. Parents don't realize the subtle or even the overt ways in which they tear down their child's self-esteem because their so busy trying to be perfect.

I would have given anything to feel like I could walk into a room and have my mother just RADIATE love and unconditional acceptance of me, as an imperfect person -- and for her to still believe me to be the most beautiful child, the most beautiful teenager, and the most beautiful woman. Not "you're so pretty, if only you could lose weight".

So if you and Jon are finding ways to reinforce what you find beautiful about Leta - both her outer beauty and her inner beauty - then keep on doing it. There is no way it can be bad.

Tell her she's beautiful, smart, funny, etc., whenever the spirit moves you. Everything I've read from you and Jon speaks to how good your instincts are. My father's message, in word and deed, was that I wasn't worth shite and would never amount to anything. It took me decades to overcome that.

This post and it's comments is a handbook in child-rearing.

She does need to know that you think she's beautiful. I don't ever remember being told anything like that when I was growing up, unless I put on some especially nice clothes, and my parents did so (apparently) out of obligation. They were quite enthusiastic when they did, but the truth is that I was an awkward-looking chid, wore glasses from the time I was two, etc. And I think they refrained from saying I was smart simply because I knew I was, and was confident enough in that area (until I took algebra, but that's another story). I tell my daughters quite frequently how beautiful and smart they are, but I also make sure to frequently tell them (not necessarily right after I've said they are beautiful and smart) that it's just as important, if not more so, to be beautiful on the inside and have a good heart, because that is the part they have control over.

okay, compelled to comment b/c i have 3 daughters: no.1 is 10 years old, no.2 is 8 years old, and no. 3 is 10 months old (and before you ask, it was ON PURPOSE). My eldest is beautiful. Really and truly a looker, and at 10, is so tall she looks about 13. But here's the thing. We've told her how beautiful she was from the day she was born, and how spectacular, and everything else, and she DOES NOT CARE about her looks. She is one of the most secure people I've ever met. When one of the boys in her tennis class told her recently: "you look pregnant" because her tummy was sticking out, she laughed and said "I have SEEN, pregnant, and I do not look pregnant" (referring obliquely to my shape before the most recent arrival). She was totally unfazed. If that had happened to me as a child, I would've been shamed for months, and immediately gone on another diet (at age 10, I already thought I was fat). As long as she knows that you love her for herself (I don't see how she could miss on that one), all your praise and lovely comments will just be more love in the air. way to go dooce.

Wow, you brought tears to my eyes. I grew up in the era of: "If you tell them they are pretty or smart, they will be conceited." And so ALMOST straight-A's were not good enough. And I was certainly not pretty enough, (although there were times when I was rather cute, when I look back at pictures). But hearing positive things about me now and then sure would have done me some good.

My son has grown up hearing those positive things, and they truly come from the heart. He still has some issues (he's red-headed and freckled), but I honestly believe he's the cutest thing that ever walked the earth. And I constantly let him know it. (But sometimes hearing that from Mom just isn't "good enough" -- when you're 20 years old).

I've never left a comment, even though I've read your blog for a year or more.

But I feel pretty strongly about this. I have known so many people who are so beautiful, but don't think they are, because no one ever told them that.

I grew up being told I was pretty and cute and all those things, and I've never been one to worry about looks much.

Tell her she's beatiful, tell her she's smart, tell her she's creative, tell her she's worthy every chance you get!!!

Heather, very awesome. That post is incredible. I think our generation of children will have the best self esteem of any others before them.

More than anything, all children and adults need to know we are enough, just as we are.

You are the new Oprah, you totally know that right?

We've always told our kids that they are smart and beautiful. There's something wrong with parents who don't see their children as uniquely gifted. :o)

But I sensed the other day that we might have gone too far with our 10-year-old.

She is an adorably cute little girl, and I mean "cute" in the manner of a child and not some scary, tarted-up little beauty queen.

She has freckles. And she's still got some of that baby-plumpness in her face. Her cheeks are naturally rosy and she hasn't started orthodontia yet so she still has these cute little jack-o-lantern teeth. If she were a doll, everyone would want one of her for their kids. Not that I'm biased.

So anyway, I had just trimmed her bangs and she wanted to see my handiwork so she climbed up on the bathroom counter and looked at herself, gasped and said, "Oh, my gosh I am so cute. And smart enough to know it when I see it."

Oh dear....

we used to always tell Miss B that she was beautiful and there was a point around age 4 that she started to reply with "as usual." precocious and absolutely hilarious, but we did change the way we said it and pointed out the things that were beautiful about her...her nose, her compassion, her love, her toes, etc. There's nothing wrong with it - give her a strong sense of self! Miss B's 10 now and is one of the most well-rounded grounded kids in her grade (told to me by others, not me) and I have to think it has something to do with the way we encourage her positively...

I was often told that I was a smart child. I rarely was ever called a pretty child, even though I wasn't a homely or ugly child. To be perfectly honest, not telling your child she's beautiful is probably worse than telling her that she is beautiful. If I'd been told that I was a pretty girl during my most impressionable years, I'd probably be more well-adjusted in the self-image department than I am. It would've saved me a lot in therapy.

Perfect. You have perfectly captured what we ALL should have learned from our parents. Leta will grow up knowing that she is exactly who she is meant to be, and that she is perfect.

Sometimes, honestly, it is frustrating how effortlessly you seem to articulate everything I feel about being a parent.

You tell her every wonderful thing you can, because soon enough the things other people say will be dinging her little armor and a little extra irrational confidence never hurt anybody. I think my Mom's opinion of me was pretty much absent from my self image for my entire teen years, but the foundation it laid kept me from sinking. Just because you think she's beautiful doesn't mean other people will treat her that way, and from my experience, pretty few people get the adoring crowd treatment. Smart is different. I figured out my path to social stability with the following flowscheme: If you're smart, you'd better be funny. If you're funny, you'd better be kind. If you're pretty, you'd better think fast.

I always tell my daughter, Claire, that she's pretty. I know she's only 14 months and probably has no idea what I am saying. But recently I've tried to not do this. I don't want her to think that's all I think of her. Your message was well put.

my boyfriend's son recently set off the fire alarm at my apt complex - although he knew he shouldn't, he read aloud, "pull down" and did so. He didn't truly understand why he shouldn't until the siren went off, immediately following his "pull down" - For 20+ minutes of ear ringing alarm with 50+ angry neighbors out in the parking lot with all their eyes on the culprit, the boy-O bawled his lil' eyes out from the time the siren 1st began, up until the firetrucks drove awa over an hour later. I had been holding him in my arms (his legs wrapped around me - he's 7 and not exactly small). I had already told him that he should feel bad for what he had done - and that that his guilt was healthy, and that I knew he'd never do it again...1 5 minutes before the firemen left, still unable to console the boy-O, I told him that he'd made a mistake, yes - but that he was still lovable - - that this incident, nor any other could ever change that -- he hugged me around the neck tighter than I thought he ever could and bawled even harder - - and so I told him again, "You're still lovable, baby. Nothing can change that, no matter what." And it was then, that his tears began to subside...
I think you're absolutely right - - no matter how cute, how beautiful, no matter how intelligent our children are, the most important thing we must tell them is that they're loved and that they're good enough. AMEN.

C'mon y'all, cut to the chase! None of that really matters. She may be cute now but we all know it'll always be about her boobs (or lack thereof) in later years.

Loved that post (first time commenter)! I think one way to make Leta know that she is loved unconditionally, is to tell her she's beautiful when the pigtails refuse to curl the right way - or that she's clever when she's doing nothing special at all. I'm trying hard with my daughter (almost 2) not to breed another high achiever - for her to know that there's no effort required on her part to get mum and dad's love and support. BTW, I love your sense of humour!

I am personally of the mind that more you tell your kid(s) how smart, beautiful, and wonderful they are, the more they will be such. Also, it will make up for all the awful things you'll say to them once they are teenagers.

Wonderful post!! She _is_ stunning!!

When I was 5 or so, my grandma told me that another little girl was prettier. When I had a fit, she said, "What does it matter? Pretty is as pretty does." Our culture puts so much emphasis on looks, it's impossible to get away from that; only a woman born in 1900 could think otherwise.

I love the way you said what you said, and I wish it could be t-shirted somehow. I'd buy one.

I don't know any child, or any adult, who thinks of his or her self as "good enough" at all times. part of this, I'm sure, is nurture. an even larger part, I think, is nature.
We have certainly given our daughter praise -- for effort, for inate intelligence, for looks, for grooming, for overcoming physical challenges. And yet, she is not always in her own mind "good enough". She is disappopinted when she gets a 97.75 gpa (98 gpa gets you breakfast with the principal). She is disappointed when she gets a gold, rather than platinum award, at the music festival. We, her parents, are not disappointed, and tell her we are proud of what she has accomplished, but it is not always enough for her. She is always striving to improve. We rejoice when she can run a mile (her friends can run 3, but her physical condition is different).
the old nature of survival is too always want to "do better". not because it is better, but because then you get to live another day. So, we keep telling our child how wonderful she is, but remember that she will keep evolving, changing, and growing, in an effort to "do better". I also plan to keep helping her "do better", not as measured against others, but as measured against herself and her abilities.
and boy, she is wonderful!

Wow.
I am blown away by the response to this amazing post.
So many people, so many feelings.
Tell her she's beautiful and brilliant and special and good enough.And tell her it's ok to color outside the lines with her "crowns". Yes, tell her.
Rock on, Heather!

Okay, one more thing. The pretty thing? If you tell her she's pretty, but you also tell her that beauty isn't everything, I imagine that's enough.

There is nothing wrong with believing you're beautiful. It doesn't mean you believe that having beauty is the be-all and end-all. It doesn't mean that you will be shallow. I mean, let's face it, being good-looking will help you out rather than hinder you in this life.

Being so confidant that you accept your body the way it is, looking in the mirror without analyzing the reflection for faults as opposed to striving to look a certain way to please everyone can't really be a bad thing, provided you have your feet both firmly on the ground, can it? Imagine if every woman had the confidance to love herself and find herself beautiful no matter what she looked like. Imagine.

Great post... Having an 11-month old daughter of our own, I couldn't agree more...

Heather, I have worked with kids in the past and I live amongst them in Banff. There is far too much emphasis on raising kids the P.C. way. Too many shrinks telling the world how to raise kids to be better. A lot of the kids I see now don't know how to do laundry, wash dishes, enjoy nature, or hand write an essay, etc. The were raised on technology by their parents and I think SPOILED. You raise Leta the way YOU want to not the way OTHERS tell you you should. At 33, I am disenfranchised with people born in the 80's, I think it's that bad.

My parents, till this day (and I'm now 28) base beauty on how slim/skinny one is. As much as I know how you either get over it and move on and learn from your parents' insults, it still affects me.

I'm no authority on this but I think you're doing a great job with Leta. "Loving her despite beauty and brains" and telling her so is what I wish my parents had said to me. That brains and beauty (either one or both) are great to possess but that they love me no matter what. It would have helped with the whole parent-child bonding thing. I wonder if they know that's one of the reasons why I moved away from Singapore to the US - to find a sense of self worth on my own.

Positive reinforcement is a wonderful thing for a child. You're a super cool mom!

I am no expert, but I think Leta will be just fine. If ever she has any doubts on how she feels about herself or how her peers are making her feel, all she has to do is read this particular entry as well as countless others. You and Jon are doing a fabulous job.

This is one of the things I've struggled with for the past few years with my son (who's 6). I don't want him to think his entire worth depends on his athleticism, artistic ability, intelligence, looks, or anything else. There's a lot of pressure on parents to always say the right things, and I think too many parents end up making their children feel 'not good enough' even with the best intentions.

I have to say, though, that from what I've read here over the past year or so, you are the kind of parent I aspire to be. Just this site alone goes a long way to show Leta just how much more than 'good enough' she is to you.

By the way, she is absolutely beautiful and I love the audio & video posts. Her voice makes me smile (almost) as much as my son's voice does. :)

Holy crap, 200+ comments. I'm probably just echoing at this point, but I struggled with that and in the end I gave up. My girls ARE beautiful. My oldest has this amazing curly hair (that she didn't inherit from me, that's for sure) and it became impossible for me to keep from telling her she's beautiful. I just make sure I also tell her she's smart and funny and creative, etc so that she knows there's more to her than just her appearance.

I just can't bear the thought of her growing up and thinking she ISN'T pretty because Mommy never said that she is.

You just keep telling her she's pretty and smart and loving her unconditionally and you know what you'll end up with? You'll end up with a child who has better self-esteem then you had! Rock on! I'm thinking it's that unconditional love thing that's the real clincher.

The other thing that's worked real well for me so far is honesty and being able to admit when I'm wrong. Turns out my 14 year old really respects me for that. Imagine! Respect from a teenager!

In my experience, even the people who grow up thinking that beauty is the standard by which they will always be judged, deep down, don't think they are all that pretty.

I don't think you can ever tell your daughter enough that she is intelligent and beautiful and that she takes your breath away. I think you loving Leta so unconditionally, so immensely, and telling her all of those things, is beautiful.

I think that every good parent has these same thoughts/concerns. And every child, once they are old enough to have self doubt...will no longer believe their parents praises. At least, that has been my experience.

I've written a bunch on my own site about my angst-ridden childhood, which was tortured not as a result of anything my parents did or didn't do -- they always made me feel loved, no matter what -- but rather because of how my peers (and even teachers) chipped away at whatever protections my parents had put into place for my self-esteem. The damage has taken decades to repair.

Not only was I considered unattractive (tall, gangly, glasses), but I was also openly smart in an environment where intelligence was not a valued currency. So even though I always had a great deal of confidence in my academic abilities (if not my looks), I still felt inadequate because I didn't fit in and what I did have to offer was effectively ignored. It made for a miserable 12 years of schooling. My way of coping was to become incredibly hard on myself (again, even though my parents weren't) and to accept nothing less than perfection in every way. I set incredibly high standards for myself (since I didn't mesh with the standards in place in that society) and fell to pieces if I fell even the slightest bit short of them. It was not an enjoyable way to live, although, of course, it laid the groundwork for the successful life I have now -- the greatest success of which is being able to be comfortable in my own skin.

I guess my point is that, even if Leta runs into a period of years during which the going is rough for whatever reason, she will ultimately be able to draw upon the feeling you are instilling in her that she will always be good enough. It may take some time for her to realize it, given all the crazy stuff girls have thrown at them socially and environmentally, but one day the light will go on and stay on, and she will be thankful to you forever for giving her this gift.

Okay, she should always believe that she is good enough. I don't think that will be a problem, simply because you are aware of the need to instill that belief in her. My point is that since she is undeniably beautiful, uniquely and amazingly photogenically beautiful, you should not hide her light under a bushel. SOMEONE has to be american's next top model! The gifts she has been given by virtue of her specific gene pool are something to be celebrated, not agonized over for pete's sake! They always use kids in the Welch's juice drink commercials and you can write the lyrics for a jingle to the tune of baa baa black sheep. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Where's the shame? Yes I am somewhat tongue in cheek here but also don't see the down side of being beautiful and smart as long as the parents have correct values and instill them in the kid. Geeze.

I think that there is such a thing as an overpraised child. It's actually quite a hot topic right now.

I think Heather's instincts, that telling Leta she's so smart all of the time may be as problematic as telling her she's beautiful all of the time. I think both are fine for parents to tell their children, but I'd rather praise my children's efforts. "That's a lovely and interesting painting", for instance, rather than "You're the smartest and best artist ever." What does the kid have to strive for if they hear things like, "Oh, Johnny, you're the most intelligent boy ever" all the time. Or, how about, "you look beautiful in that special outfit, Janie" rather than "Oh Janie, you're gorgeous!"

Praise like this prevents Johnny and Janie from relying on some kind of innate "beauty" or "intelligence" they may or may not have in the eyes of the larger world. They'll know they're always capable of "looking" beautifully or of "doing" smart things.

Heather
I too pause at telling my daughters how beautiful they are but then I remember that I think they need to hear it from the most important person (presently) in their life. You have the right idea of making sure she knows that she will always be enough.

It has also taken me 39 years to finally get past the point that I was never enough in terms of beauty and smarts as far as my father was concerned. But I am as far I'm concerned.

When I read that last line, tears actually burst forth and SHOT out of my head.