Wise men
Tuesday, May 9 2006
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A man on the television is lying in bed with his wife recounting the day he had at work. "I told my coworker not to worry," he says, "because with age comes experience. And with experience comes wisdom."
"What comes with wisdom?" his wife asks him. And both Jon and I let out an exaggerated moan when the man says, "You!"
"That's so lame," I say. "I was hoping that with wisdom comes great hair."
"Really?" says Jon. "Because I happen to know that with wisdom comes a really big schlong."
- Behold, the Memphis accent
Thursday, 04 December 2008 - Bump watch begins
Tuesday, 02 December 2008 - Three months
Monday, 01 December 2008 - Excuse me while I go make love to a bean burrito
Monday, 24 November 2008 - The making of an older sister
Thursday, 20 November 2008
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1. Vicky said:
I want to be a wise man! :)
2. Jenorama said:
Dammit, what show was that? That is going to keep me up tonight.
3. Strizz said:
Why can't wisdom come with multiple orgasms and a maid?
4. JessicaP said:
I thought with wisdom came big knockers?
5. kbloeser said:
I didn't groan when I heard this, I got confused. Of course I'm often mesmerized by his beautiful hair...Oh broke Tim Roth (Jake Weber), how I love you!
6. blazingkate said:
I was hoping wisdom came with a boatload of chocolate and the metabolism of a hummingbird.
7. GEORGE! said:
I'm with Jessica... knockers.
8. MelanieB78 said:
The show was Medium.
9. Caloden said:
I had a brilliant comment but after I misread #6, I kept envisioning a boatload of chocolate hummingbirds and the wisdom they provided.
10. Bird Lover said:
It's true, wisdom does come with a big schlong. If only in the mind of the person who acquired the wisdom. Perception is reality after all.
11. Ohsalita said:
You and Jon should write dialogue for TV shows. For HBO though, where you can say "schlong".
12. Shana Banana said:
I wish for just once, with wisdom comes Edward Norton in a loin cloth, vaccuming with one hand while he feeds me grapes with the other. Maybe he has a cool penis that can hold a palm frond to fan me with.... All of those useless years of college would really pay off then. :)
13. John said:
That wise woman must be really uncomfortable.
14. Mack'sMom said:
With wisdom comes responsibililty; with responsibility comes too many damn things to do in a day....then you're tired and have no need for big knockers nor a massive schlong.
Don't tell my husband that though...he seems to think that just because you've been running all day you should still be up for a little schlong dance.
What was life like before Wisdom?
A whole lot of fun!!!
15. vinsanity said:
Nay, I say.
Wisdom does not come with a really big schlong.
What it does give, however, is the ability to make it FEEL like it's really big.
16. Tiggerlane said:
I should never read previous comments before typing.
After reading "comes" umpteen times, adding a "hummingbird" in there - and throwing in the "schlong dance," I'm afraid I've completely lost my train of thought...which was NOT naughty. And now is depraved.
Okay, start over: "A man on television is lying in bed with his wife..."
Nope...I'm screwed.
17. jon deal said:
Thanks to Shana Bannana I now have an uncomfortable image of a penis and palm frond rooting around in my tiny brain.
Is the palm frond attached in some way? Like with twine or staples? Or does Edward Norton's magical schlong have the native ability to grasp objects? Like a penis with an opposable thumb.
18. mamamiacanuck said:
OMG, I am killing myself laughing over these comments!
Mental note, folks: if wisdom comes with a big schlong, does that explain why guys are mostly clueless? ;-)
19. mm said:
I know everyone else in my office thinks I am crazy! I laughed out loud at Heather's post, but each comment had me laughing harder and harder. Funny stuff!
20. Pink*Kittens said:
*Uncontrollable laughter*
Brilliant post, Heather. Made me laugh for quite some time. I am hysterically tired, though, might have something to do with my reaction.
Either way, thanks for making me laugh.
With wisdom comes false teeth.
21. Velma said:
Unfortunately, in my experience, wisdom comes with nose hair.
22. Mack'sMom said:
things you can do with faulse teeth.....
23. jes said:
What was the commercial for? Something Mormon, I think.
With wisdom comes sweaty goat balls.
24. Mack'sMom said:
"With Wisdom Comes Sweaty Goat Balls!"
There's a T-shirt I'd be proud to wear!!!
Heather, you could really pay off the sewer re-build with that one!
25. RzDrms said:
...with experience comes wisdom, with wisdom comes a really big schlong, and a really big schlong just plain comes.
26. Mack'sMom said:
RzDrms....you made me a little flushed with that one!
27. MegsNP said:
I think with wisdom comes a hangover...
28. christy said:
Apparently Jon got the same email I did detailing how W!zzD*m M@ke Y#o B!gg$st PEYN!S!
Glad to see he put it to good use.
29. Snickrsnack Katie said:
Why can't wisdom come with some big ta-ta's? I could use some big ta-ta's, and I think I am pretty wise. Dammit.
30. momma 2 angels said:
Prince Charming! I love how a schlong makes itself heard.
31. Tarin said:
I'm with Strizz...multiple orgasms and a maid.
32. Gia on Guam said:
Jon Deal,
I was thinking more like a penis with foreskin that grips.
Folks, not only should wisdom come with a big schlong, it should also come with the ability to use it well...that and a never tiring tongue.
33. Karen Rani said:
Gia wins!!!
34. Arabella said:
I thought the punchline would have something to do with the "comes with" part. Oh well. The schlong thing is very, very funny.
35. KellizMom said:
all hail to the wise man!
36. Sherry said:
Aw crap. I don't want a huge schlong. I guess I have to avoid wisdom at all costs.
37. Melissa said:
I adore the comments you get. Right now I would go with wisdom coming with the intelligence to not read your comments while drinking soda.
38. Stenar said:
big schlong? lame.
39. AndreaBT said:
Ah, the differing priorities of men and women...
40. stephanie said:
edward norton's penis waves a frond because it is like a monkey's tail, duh.
a penis with an opposable thumb is not cool or full of wisdom, that's just freaky.
41. BigA said:
Maybe it comes with really great shlong hair.
42. bew said:
Haha.
43. Nifle said:
Comes....ummmm.....damn, I'm drunk (Yes, it's only 6:56 pm CST for you clock watchers). But, I still found it funny! I LOVE DOOCE!
44. Eight Hour Lunch said:
Damn. I saw a *reeeealy* smart horse the other day, then.
I'm sorry, Jon's got it all messed up. Any schmuck can have a big schlong. Knowing how to use it--now *that's* where the wisdom comes in.
45. wendy said:
I've been asking, "Where's the T-shirts?" You could do all the mastheads. I want "Not your average clenched-cheek sprint to the bathroom" or maybe a nice picture of Chuck. Wendy.
46. CurrtDawg said:
So, exactly how "wise" is John?
47. Carli said:
I was so shocked when I watched that episode of "Medium"! I even said to my husband that NBC is getting pretty racy these days. Next up: Pornucopia - down in the Valley with the cast of Law and Order.
48. Bill said:
As a man with great wisdom, great wisdom indeed, I can vouch that with great wisdom comes a giant schlong, along with an irresistible urge to hibernate.
So...sleeeepy...zzzzzzzzz.
49. The Mighty Jimbo said:
there's an orgasm joke in there somewhere but i'm totally above making it.
50. Meepers said:
Mighty Jimbo - you might be BEYOND making that joke... but I'm certainly not. With wisdom comes the certainty that no matter how big the schlong is, you'll never be able to train it to multi-task, fetch the newspaper, or rub your back properly.
51. Beverlee said:
Wisdom ... just about when you have it all figured out, you die. Sigh. I wish that with wisdom came new energy!
52. Vicky H. said:
Schlong and wisdom...that's the funniest oxymoron I've heard yet!
53. noshowmo said:
Wisdom only comes after such age that poor enough eyesight makes two and a half inches look like seven.
So yes, I guess you could say really big schlong.
54. Shalini said:
With wisdom comes a vasectomy. HAHA.. hehe sorry.. I think it's kinda true.
55. TripDaddyNJ said:
Jon's right - big coccyx with the wisdom.
Hey Vicky H: Isn't an oxymoron someone who does not know how to use their acne medicine?
56. Tara Whitney said:
see, i have such a HUGE crush on that man that when he said that i smiled to myself and thought "damn i want to get in his pants."
57. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
That's what they always say.
58. vegasandvenice said:
Okay wait a minute... I hope I am not the only one who figured you typed it wrong and he actually says "what cums with wisdom?" ... "you." As if to say that it takes some smart moves to get her off and hes got them.
Oh sheesh ... I think I might be the only one!
59. timothyjlambert said:
I was going to say, "Kevin Federline," but then I thought, "No. That can't be right."
60. karyhead said:
I've been reading this site for a while and it's about time I left a comment. It has just the right amount of touching, personal moments and spit-take, keyboard-ruining moments. I LOVE IT.
Ha. That almost reads as comment spam.
61. doog said:
STAND BACK! I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!!!!!
SORRY ABOUT THE DRAPES HON!!!
62. La Dolce Lissa said:
LOL
63. the kim half of glamorouse said:
in my husband's family there is the Berry fussing gene, or the berry schlong. My husband and cousin claim the schlong gene, while his brother has the fussing gene. We've produced three boys. There's one with the fussing, one with the schlong and one too young to tell.
I can't believe I've just told you this.
Just seeing the word schlong is universal I guess...
64. fred said:
could i trade the schlong for having a really fast car?
65. minxlj said:
With wisdom comes the irony that, however wise you are, you'd still trade that wisdom for a big schlong...
66. Chench said:
Hilarious!
Velma, dont forget ear hair. :-)
67. Brad Martin said:
Now I know why I paid so much for a college education.
68. brandy said:
Theres an opening on Gilmour Girls for some writers...I think you could get those ratings up!
My mom always told me with wisdom comes the good weed.
69. Mack'sMom said:
Heather! Who knew your readers were so willing to open up on their perverse thoughts!!!
70. aslage said:
i know the show you are referring to, and i agree that it was kinda lame, but the hubby is hot so i forgave him.
71. kerry said:
oh thank god! i kept wondering why that sounded so familiar. it's only from one of my fave shows.
but, yeah, it was a "groan!"
72. Amanda B. said:
Yeah, that's gay. And not in the good way.
Your daily pictures are kicking much ass. Amazing.
73. Charlie said:
There once was a man on some show
Who wanted his "wisdom" to grow.
Is it experience that grants
A bulge in ones pants?
Because enquiring minds want to know.
74. katehopeeden said:
I can't seem to shake this mental picture of Edward Norton vacuuming in a loin cloth toss grapes and waving a palm frond with his junk.
My entire thought process for the day is shot, tyvm.
lol
But as far as comments go, Charlie should get an award.
~K
75. Donny said:
I've been told Colin Farrell, by this logic, is a very wise man. My fiancee can't wait to see the movie where they cut out the evidence of his "wisdom". Apparently that wisdom will be shown on the DVD release.
On that day, my stupidity will be revealed I do believe.
76. gypsy said:
With THREE Wise Men (Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jose Cuervo) comes a vicious hangover.
77. kcbelles said:
Quote: “Really?†says Jon. “Because I happen to know that with wisdom comes a really big schlong.â€
Well, now, what about wise Lesbians? We have no use for a schlong, big or otherwise. I vote for the knockers, ta-tas, whatever you want to call 'em. Ta-tas - cute; haven't heard that one before. I'll have to home and try that out tonight: "Hi, Honey - your ta-tas look extremely perky today!" I just know the look I'm gonna get... lol
Rock on, you two - love both your sites!
78. Dana said:
Based on John's reasong, I'm afraid I've slept with some really stupid men. But I knew that already.
79. Lenski said:
I love this website... it is officially my life line!
There was a man named Jon
Who had claimed the biggest Schlong
Does this prove his wisdom is strong?
Some may think he is wrong
Heather?
L x
80. Rae said:
My family and I groaned collectively when we saw that episode of Medium. I've never seen them be so cheesy before. Thankfully, the episode following with Kelsey Grammar redeemed them quite nicely.
81. Thérèse said:
He's right, of course. You know. *shrug*
82. rivetergirl said:
Yeah, they're like trees ... wiser they become the more girth the accumulate. And if you cut it off you can see the rings.
83. MissDirected said:
It makes me a little sad that after the very first part of that quote I knew what show it's from.
84. susan @ yow said:
With wisdom comes with an enlarged prostate. For men anyway.
85. north said:
I also thought that the "You!" referred to the man's inherent wisdom regarding getting the woman to come, so no, vegasandvenice, you are not the only one to go there. Immediately.
86. the niffer said:
Shit, girl. You are funny, but you also attract some of the funniest 'posters' I've ever met.
87. Allison said:
So glad to know I'm not the only one who find's the hubby on Medium to be hot. Sure, that was a corny line, but it was so...sweet.
It's probably one of the only shows on televison where the characters are (mostly) emotionally healthy...good god, an evening of Desperate Housewives is all about missing boundaries run amuck.
88. Allison said:
OMG...did I really just put an apostrophe in "finds"? I'm gasping in horror.
Note to self: always preview before posting!
89. MeAhna said:
FYI: I frequently use your picture of the day as a background on my computer. (I used the one of the pretty red flowers. Until I seen the one today......)