The great and dreadful day of the Lord
Friday, April 7 2006
File Under:
Mormonism, Nubbin
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Yesterday while standing in line at the grocery store I noticed that the Deseret Book display -- Deseret Book is a Mormon book publisher -- had some new titles in, including this delightful guide for teenagers:
Like, I totally can't wait for the Second Coming! All those people who didn't pay their tithing are, like, going to burn! Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE. And the earthquakes and disease and famine, those are kinda sad and all, but totally necessary, to weed out the evil-doers. Those who are righteous when he comes won't get hurt, though. Cool, huh? I just hope he comes, like, during the day and not in the middle of the night because, like, I'll be SO EMBARRASSED if I have to go to heaven in my pajamas.
I can attest to the fact that Mormon teenagers are preoccupied with the thought of how awesome the Second Coming is going to be, and not with, say, how awesome it will be to kiss with tongue for the first time, like, when they're married.
1. Andi said:
I'm not a Mormon, never have been, but even I'm excited about this! :)
2. SurprisingWoman said:
Whoot!
I love the phamplet about masterbation they pass out to the boys. I think it was written by Boyd K. Packer.
OMG, it is very interesting.
3. Strizz said:
Married people tongue kiss? Gross! (Using a Napolean Dynamite voice makes that funny in my mind)
4. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
There's a masturbation pamphlet? We didn't get that in Catholic school....
I wonder if I've been doing it right.
5. Tired mom said:
Is it only going to be awesome for Mormons?
6. Mrs Ca said:
Wow. Every religion definitely has its weird points, and that is pretty funny. I like the hopeful uplooking girl on the cover, and how she's blonde haired and blue eyed, like you normally describe the multitudes out there.
7. jaime said:
'how awesome will it be?'
um, very!
(what a silly question. what other answers are they thinking we could come up with? 'eh, it'll be kinda awesome. i mean, yeah, whatever, it's cool.'
(i just posted a happy-first-birthday to my kitten on my blog, and it's like this strange appropriation and combination of your leta newsletters and your silly pictures of chuck. strange to post. but, hey, thanks.)
8. TheGirlWho said:
This is, like, so totally cool and stuff. Although I have to repent quick-like so I can go to the Celestial Kingdom. It will be okay though because I am like, so totally in The Chosen Generation. My Sunday school teacher says so..
Now, where did I leave my bong...
9. napangel said:
Heather ... you are SO going to hell.
See ya there!!
10. Nothing But Bonfires said:
Oh my god, and what if Jesus, like, asks me for a pencil during the Second Coming and I, like, reach into my bag, and, like, pull out, like, a TAMPON, or something? Oh my god, how totally NOT AWESOME would that be? And then what if we, like, have to go on a water slide in heaven, and my bikini bottoms come off, and, like, Jesus is totally cute, and HE SEES IT? Like, oh my god. It could be so NOT AWESOME.
11. stephanie said:
i can't believe that really exists.
so much so that i really stared at it for a long while thinking "wait, oh, i get it, this is like that other post that was really funny with the crazy kids books!"
not? unbelievable.
ps pleasepleaseplease can i have the forsithia picture please i emailed you but i will take this opportunity of not being comment #92859385734908 to beg :)
12. meredith said:
I am not Morman, but I was brainwashed enough to think that after a first kiss in the last row of a movie theater at the age of twelve, that I was going straight to hell.
13. electricboogaloo said:
Eternal damnation in the firey pit of hell: How MUCH ASS WILL THAT SUCK?
14. shenshe said:
I grew up mormon also, and the wide variety of books that deseret offers never ceases to amaze me. My mom once bought me one about music called "Apples or Onions" when she causght me listening to Nine Inch Nails, she should have realized then that I wasn't going to grow up her perfect mormon daughter!
15. dooce said:
y'all, the book really exists:
http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4920236
16. Jonniker said:
Tired Mom, yes, I'm pretty sure it is just for Mormons. The rest of us go someplace very special of our very own, with lots of very hot, very large fireplaces.
You know, they have books like this in our grocery store check out line, too. Baptist mostly, but still. And they are a little more subversive - the title will be something like, "Mending your Marriage:" and then in very small print, "Walking in the path of the Lord to the Kingdom of Heaven." The ones for teens are all about avoiding temptation. Of course the couple on the cover looks virginal and whatnot, and the 'teen's' look like 10 year olds. Gross.
I'm amazed at how numb I'm becoming to it all. When we first moved here, I could not stop laughing about it - it was fucking HILARIOUS and I would pick up the books and show my husband and squeal, "OH MY GOD!" But now, I have been beaten into submission and I just casually put my V-8 on the conveyor belt, pick up my requisite US Weekly, and go home, nary an amused glance.
I'm going to miss that when we move out of this place.
17. Giselle said:
I completely expected it to say, "Their flesh will, like, SIZZLE, fo'shizzle." I must say I'm a wee bit disappointed.
Then again, I'm sure the Mormon teens don't listen to Snoop Dogg (although if the current teens are anything like my high school Mormon friends, they would be all over it). And that reminds me of the time my friend Becky was demonstrating the lyrics to Shaggy's "Wasn't Me" by getting on the floor and slapping it with her hands. She really thought that "bangin' on the bathroom floor" meant the couple would slap their hands against the tiles because the acoustics were awesome.
18. Y said:
I was not raised Mormon, but, rather, "Born again Christian". (Not that I am now a practicing BAC or anything) My dad didn't like The Mormons and would chase them down the street, waving his bible, screaming (in his thick mexican accent) things like "You're sending people to HELL WITH YOUR LIIEEEEEESSSSSSS."
I guess I tell you this because I, like, TOTALLY didn't know Mormons believed in the second coming. And finding out that they do is almost MORE AWESOME than the actually second coming itself.
19. dooce said:
also, Nothing But Bonfires, that comment is pure genius.
20. Taegan7879 said:
Oh man, thats classic. I think I'll buy that for my ex-Mormon sister who's getting married to her non-Mormon boyfriend next month, as a wedding gift, LOL. I still remember when I was 14 years old, being TERRIFIED that I'd never get my drivers license because my mom told me the 2nd Comming was almost here. Talk about putting the fear of God into someone, haha.
21. Carrie Johnston said:
That is really funny. Having been away from Zion for a long time, I've forgotten what kinds of books inhabit the spaces next to the checkout. I've also forgotten about my teenage preoccupation with the Second Coming. In fact, I've pretty much decided that if Tori Amos (because she sings weird shit that I can't live without), Heather Armstrong (because she has denied the Holy Ghost), David Sedaris (because he's gay), and numerous other of my heroes aren't allowed into Heaven, then neither am I. I'll go where they go, dear Lord.
22. Tracy aka Fuzzball said:
So now I'm wondering what Jesus will say to the teens..."DUDES, like don't be afraid! I've like totally risen again, right? So now we're all gonna kick it in heaven, God-style! WORD."
23. Imanitsud said:
You could really mess with those teenagers by sneaking in at night and replacing all the aforementioned Awesome Second Coming books with "If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person" by that Quaker guy Phil Gulley and James Mulholland. Well, actually, it might more mess with the heads of the adults. I'm not Quaker, but I have a very good friend who is.
(First time commenting on your site -- and I have to say I enjoy it immensely. It's refreshing, amusing, honest, and sometimes it's... let's call it 'educational.')
24. MiamiGirl said:
Hey this looks like a great group going to hell, even if we are burning, we will have so much fun making fun of those people who aren't there. I grew up Southern Baptist with damnation taught to me three times a week...some how I escaped. My Mom constantly says to me, "I know where I'm going." Yeah, she knows where she's going, after she just gossiped about one of the ladies in her Sunday school class.
25. Carrie Johnston said:
Why don't I know about the masturbation pamphlet? My calling is with the youth, for crying out loud!
26. Lady Bug said:
I was just SURE that was a Photoshop job, 'til I saw your comment, dooce. And now I'm just...stunned. And a little giggly. Hee.
27. RS said:
I love that there's a book on that site about Group Dating! Such fun.
28. Portia said:
Oh Dooce! How you entertain me! I'm married to a "recovering Mormon" though I was never Mormon, I worked for a Mormon dentist for a few years...
I have to say your religious posts are my favorite! And I have to ask.... Do they wear those classy underwear in the Celestial Kingdom? When my husband gets home, I will definitely be asking about the masturbation pamphlet. I didn't see in the LDS section of books at the local Wal*Mart. ha!
Thanks for your site! I love it! And thanks to the ads for Big Love, I wait every week with anticipation and wonderment of what you might comment.
29. rockr girl said:
like, oh my gosh, heather. that is seriously, like, the greatest thing i have ever seen! i SOOO want that book! for realz, though.
however, being the self-appointed bus driver for the party bus to hell (we've got kegs in the back, ya'll!), i am really hoping that this Second Coming you speak of happens while i am still young enough to enjoy all of my friends who will reside with me in Hades. i imagine with all the heat, there will be little clothing and lots of cold beer - so i'd better still look good and be able to hold my liqour!
30. Lola Sticksel said:
BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
It's like "The Day After" but only the righteous will survive.
31. Amybobamy said:
WOW.
Utah is like a different universe isn't it?
I drove through SLC a few months back... even the guy at the Pizza Hut was a little off. We kept driving obviously...
32. Taegan7879 said:
I think the Masterbation Pamphlet is given to the missionaries before they leave. My brother just turned 19 and is thinking of putting in his papers... if he gets that, I'll ask him to send it to me, LOL.
33. MsShad said:
Am I the only one who read it as "second cum...ing?" And yes, how totally awesome I thought that was!!
34. TigerShanShan said:
A masturbation flyer? This was mentioned further up in the comments. I'd like to see that? Why can't girls do it? We aren't "spilling our seed" or whatever that language is in in the Bible...or maybe I'm that confused about my own anatomy?
35. Eight Hour Lunch said:
*Sigh*. When my own Mormon mother sees my evil pierced beardiness, she is often moved to exclaim, "I can't wait until the Second Coming. This world is soooo evil, I can't wait until it's over."
Maybe this timeline will look familiar to you:
Devirginification: 25
Coffee: 29
Beer: 30
Freedom from a mind-fucking cult: priceless.
36. sparkle motion said:
Ugh, this is a big part of the reason that I have no religion. How can such a ginormous number of people believe that of all the different beliefs in the world, everyone who does not subscribe to theirs is damned to suffer the Armageddon, or whatever it is they think. And why do they choose to worship such a punishing god who would "leave behind" so many millions who never had much choice in the matter of what their beliefs were? (eg, people born in regions where there is no exposure to christianity...of course, i guess that's what missionaries are for, and yeah, what a swell effect they've had overall).
I could go on and on, but I won't. But I could.
37. filmgoerjuan said:
I almost don't have the heart to tell her that she's not going to Heaven in her pyjamas! I mean it's not just Kirk Cameron and his ragtag Tribulation Force that are being "left behind".
38. LucyArin said:
When I saw this, all I could think was, "wow, I bet they look at her strangely when she whips out the camera and starts shooting pictures in the check-out line." They might arrest you for behavior like that here in Ohio.
Thanks very very much for the laugh. I'm going to hell too for not believing every single thing that the Catholic church preaches. See all you cool folks there.
39. Jenorama said:
Oh My Heck! I would hate for LDS writers to get Left Behind with the whole bad Rapture literature out there. That would be a real shame.
But admit it, Heather-- you LOVED Jack Weyland books, now didn't you?
40. jes said:
what if, like, the second coming doesn't come when i'm alive? and then, like, i'll be all ashy or decomposed and my hair will be a mess, and then, like, my portrait for my celestial marriage won't look so good in my castle, like, on my planet.
41. Mimimom said:
OMG! My sister is married to a quasi-mormon (although I never see him actually doing ANYTHING that makes him a cheater . . whatever . . .) but I am SO totally going to ask him if he read the masturbation pamphlet - fun! She has grand plans of walking down her stairs while her in-laws are over (all 500 of them) with a martini in one hand and a ciggy in the other to freak them all out and I think there could be some good material here for her.
This just fascinates me - that people actually beleive this stuff is just fascinating to me - they sure are on target with their marketing - no one said the mormon church was STUPID. Sheesh.
42. hibiscusfire said:
Amen, Sparkle Motion.
And how can they be so happy about it? They get "raptured" while some poor starving kid in Africa or the nice little Jewish lady next door or the atheist ER doc who saved their life last week or the scientist who designed the antibiotics they took in their childhood or those nice gay boys who came out with the newest line of banana republic slim-fitting jeans...they're all going to burn burn burn while prious Christians watch on gleefully.
43. truth said:
OMG Heather! This is absofrickinly hilarious! I cannot stop laughing! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face as I munch on my lunch at my desk at work. HAHA!
44. ieatcrayonz said:
Thank you for this. I'll be sure to put that on the list of books to buy my daughter and scare the shit out of her when she starts noticing that boys can either be playmates or that they can be playmates.
45. Tammie Booth said:
I was raised in the fundamentalist Christian church and they are really just as nutso as the Mormons. I remember being in second and third grade and praying for the rapture not to come before big events like birthday parties and outings.
46. 14themonkey said:
Not all morman kids are so goody-goody. I grew up in western Washington, where there was a fair sized morman population and I remember drinking beer and passing the dutchie with more than one morman kid. But maybe that's just Washington grunge-mormans.
47. laurellz said:
hahaha thats awesome
i greatly admire your strength
48. ieatcrayonz said:
What, no italics in the comments?
To clarify: "noticing that boys can either be PLAYmates or that they can be playMATES."
49. crzylady said:
I knew mormons were effed in the head, but I guess you have to be REALLY self assured to want to read that book.
We I was little we were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses (aren't you so excited for me). Fortunately I was so young I can block most of it out, but my older sister still tells me how scared she was because JWs believed (or did until their numbers grew) only the obscure number of 1,000 something (wow and I have a degree in religion, you'd think I'd know) would go to heaven and she was terrified because she knew she wasn't going to be in that number.
What a lovely way to fuck up your children.
50. Kristen in Colorado said:
Don't teenagers realize that a Second Cumming is just a myth??
51. Joel Cheatwood said:
I was raised in a pentecostal family and taught that I should long for the second coming...somehow the opposite occurred...it scared the bejesus out of me...literally! I remember hopeing against hope that there might be some kind of two minute warning before Christ actually returned so I could quickly atone and not get left behind.
52. Ramona said:
I attended a very strict Protestant school and my eighth grade English teacher read to us from a book called, “The Third Millennium." My first thought was, “It can’t be the end times yet! I won’t know what happens on Models Inc.!†We also watched this movie called, "Pamela's Prayer," in which a daughter is raised to believe that even kissing should be reserved for her husband. Ahh, that teenage wasteland.
53. Lynnlaw said:
I've chosen an amazing handbasket for us.
54. Stepha1202 said:
Thanks, Heather. Now you've got me thinking about changing my status from evil-doer. But is it possible to do since I tongue kissed before marriage?
55. Rebecca said:
I've been reading your Weblog for months now, and have never commented but this one I can't resist. I'm divorced from a man who was raised in the Mormon Church but left it after he went on his Mission. His family was, and still is, a network of proper God-fearing temple Mormons. Living though 6 years with that family was hell; in part because not only am I a heathen but also Catholic.
Just wanted to say thanks for the chuckle. It's always good to laugh about something that was not so good at one time . . . And also, having lived in Utah for 6 years, I feel your pain. I'm now single, at 30, and living in Seattle. Hallelujah!
56. cmoonchild said:
My first Dooce comment. Hooray!
I'm not Mormon, but the girl on that cover scares me. A lot. Her eyes are way too big. Please make it stop.
57. Kristine said:
Is it just me or does that girl on the front of the book look haunting like Claire Danes?
Would that make Jared Leto Jesus?
ABC could come up with a new show, "My So-Called Mormon Life"
58. L. said:
Joke:
"What`s white and flies through the air?"
"The Coming of Christ!"
(Giggle, Snort. "Get it? Coming? Cumming?" Heeheehee!)
I learned that from a fellow member of my junior high school Catholic choir member.
And people wonder why I decided to raise my kids Catholic after all!
59. rivetergirl said:
You mean that some teenagers don't worry about the second coming? Really? Wow.
60. L. said:
Oops! Typo -- extra "member" in my comment above!
(Giggle, Snort. "Get it? Member?" Heeheehee!)
61. dilettante in distress said:
Deseret Books ROCKS.
You can buy "I hope they call me on a mission" themed socks for the devout youngster
http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4305480
And I bet these "Young Women Values" socks would make a lovely gift. Pity I can't actually read the values in the photo. Is that intentional?
http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4058468
62. Donny said:
When the Rapture occurs, can I have all the property that currently belongs to the Mormon Church?
63. Meg said:
That's a pretty solid sentiment along evangelical lines as well. Except that they prefer to focus on everyone else that gets "Left Behind."
64. The Mighty Jimbo said:
for catholic teenagers the second coming is when you hook up behind the cabins with that girl/guy/priest at youth group retreat.
oh man. going straight to hell.
65. Donny said:
If they leave me said property, I will only shoot SOFT porn in it. Promise.
66. monkey said:
Jeez...in a grocery store where all the lovely tabloids are supposed to be, no less!
67. agnieszka said:
I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel like I would like to be drunk while reading the book.
68. William said:
There is something very strange about a book with "second coming" and "How Awesome will it be" on the cover.
Since it is a guide for teens Im sure it covers the four horsemen of the apocolypse, War, Famine, Death and Acne.
69. Donny said:
Raised a pastor's son, one thing I never was able to get is WHY I want to go to heaven. I realize the streets will be paved with gold and we'll all have mansions and get to sit around God's throne telling him how holy he is for all of eternity, but for some reason that just doesn't seem too enticing to me.
When the Bible was written gold wasn't as common place as it is today. To be honest, gold streets don't fit my sense of fashion. I think I'd find them tacky.
As for a mansion, I live in what those in Biblical times would consider to be the Garden of Eden. So there's no motivation there either.
Lastly, sitting around God's throne telling him how great he is for all eternity just doesn't get me going. I just looked: I'm still flaccid.
Nah. I think I'll just keep sinning. It's a lot of fun. And then when I go to hell perhaps you all can join me. I hear there will be an open bar at Lucifer's Lounge!
70. inyourversion said:
We were discussing notions of the second coming in my British Lit class the other day, and my professor pointed out that many people believe you have to take all of yourself to heaven. This includes any lost teeth, removed organs, etc. I can just imagine all the cute Mormon teeny-boppers saving their teeth in little tins so they can be first on the bus to the pearly gates and not have to waste time. How awesome will THAT be?
71. Scott Murdoch said:
No way! I didn't believe it for a second until you posted the link to the real thing. Now I'm wondering if you made up that whole page too! In any case, it's wonderfully insane!
72. katielauren said:
How super sweet would you feel if you were the girl on the cover of that book? I don't know if I'd rather be here or the lady in the herpes commercials.
Lauren
73. geokaz said:
One of my favorite games to play in the grocery store here in Utah is musical magazine covers. If you don't know they put these black plastic covers over all the raunchy, cleavage shots of magazines in the checkout aisle like Vanity Fair, Cosmo, etc. When I go, I switch them to cover up things like Star, LDS propaganda, and TEEN. Because, in my humble opinion, that stuff is way more dangerous to your children. It rots the brain. A little vicarious boob shot never hurt anybody (at least those of us who are already going to hell along with our children, the spawn of satan).
74. vinsanity said:
I wasn't going to post anything and leave it at 69, but now that it's ruined, I can write what I want and not feel bad.
And here's what I have to say: It's going to be awful lonely up in Heaven. Or at least, the marketing for Hell is getting better.
75. Paty Quartarollo said:
OMG!!!!
Ok, don´t tell me that Mormons only have their first tongue kiss when they´re married!!!!!!!
Sometimes I just like the fact that I don´t have a religion. hahahahahaha
Just kidding.
76. Maniacal said:
Yes, I'm sure Utah is definitly a different planet....cause there is nothing like that anywhere in NJ, I can tell ya that!!
and....
L. That joke was funny! ...cumming of Christ....tee hee heee
77. Melissa said:
Oh fuck, I knew I should have gone to church once in my life. Oh wait I'm a Jew. Shit. That is a freaking funny book cover. Also, if there is a heaven and I do by some force of nature, or a supreme accident, end up there, I think it would be cool to play in the clouds in my pajamas. Although, I may be in trouble, as I tend to sleep in only the top.
78. Kari said:
OK, don't think I don't have a sense of humor or anything, because I do think that's really very funny, but technically, awesome means that which inspires awe. And I think we can all agree that the Second Coming will inspire awe. This book merely tells just how much awe to expect.
That is all. I love you, Dooce!
79. Caloden said:
Whenever we go to Provo to visit the in-laws I am always afraid to even set foot in the Deseret Bookstore. I fear they have some sort of Sinner Detector connected to the entrance -that if I enter, an alarm will start screaming, "Dirty rotten Catholic on the premises! Save her soul!"
If I ever work up the courage to go in, I'm going to buy that book. Yes sir.
80. Mack'sMom said:
I married the son of a Pentecostal preacher, and go out of my way to disturb her! Not only did I corrupt her son, but I'm raising her grandchild without JESUS! Since I don't go to HER church and don't go at least twice a week, I don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
I pick at her...and it drives my husband nuts. I often mention that I'll be going to hell and it's going to be such a great place b/c I'll know so many people there!
I made sure to mention that I thought it would be cool to have a child on June 6, 2006....she was clueless, so I pointed out that it would 666. Her response, "Oh, that's not even funny!"
When we got married she gave us a book, "A Marriage with Jesus." (or something close to that!) To be the snot I tend to be around her, I looked at my husband and said, "Oh Threesomes, this marriage thing could really work out after all!"
If looks could kill, I would have been six feet under in that very moment!
I could have so much fun with a masturbation pamphlet!!!
I'm really not a mean-spirited person, I just love to mess with her!
81. kalisah said:
I never thought for a second that the book might not be real. Then again, I grew up reading the "New Era."
82. Bill said:
Knowing my luck the Second Coming would happen while I'm in the bathroom. Then, I'd come out and be, like, where'd everybody go?
83. Heather said:
Is it just me or perhaps there may be a second "second cuming" pamphlet/book about masturbation?
84. eco2geek said:
For a split second, I thought that was a picture of dooce on the cover. Shoot.
My fundie Christian parents weren't Mormon, but there isn't a whole lot of difference between the two religions until you get down to the details. Funny how when your parents are that into religion, eveyone you come into contact with as a child is usually also that into religion. My piano teacher had fundie Christian comic books in her waiting area.
85. Liss said:
Not only do they have masterbation pamphlets, they have a book "True to the Faith, A Gospel Reference" that answers the commonly asked questions about mormonism and where they stand on certain topics like divorce and homosexuality. My neighbor gave this to me in a foolish attmept to change my evil ways. It's just a damn shame that I'm content in my lifestyle.
86. Beverlee said:
You've still definitely got some issues to work through there girl! But wow, there sure is some weird religious stuff out there!
87. ericales said:
I'm a Member (I do get to capitalize that, right?). Got a Recommend and everything (That gets capitalized too, yes?). But that book looks retarded.
88. The Bold Soul said:
That book cover looks like Ally McBeal praying they will bring back business suits with micro-miniskirts.
Like, Heather, do you, like, plan to make this awesome book available for sale on your awesome blog? So the rest of us non-Mormons can read up and, like, give the book to our teens so they can think about the second coming instead of how awesome it would be to suck face with the cute boy in biology class?
89. Mack'sMom said:
We need to start a GOING TO HELL CLUB!
90. SingerGirl said:
I think the saddest part is that I knew instantly that the book was for real. I didn't even bother looking for signs of Photoshop.
Heather, my mom and I have decided to bunk together in hell but there's plenty of room for you, Jon, Leta, and Chuck.
91. jennifer_starfall said:
that's worse than narnia... eewww.
92. SaraBylotas said:
Looks like Jamie Lynn Spears passed on Scientology to become Mormon. Or they paid her a lot of money to do this cover!
93. emily said:
I am very excited about the second coming. I can't wait to meet my Savior.
94. Saron said:
Hey Heather, I just got done eating your favorite Dutch dish...Chicken Bits Smothered in Peanut Butter. Do you think they will have that in heaven?
95. Caren said:
Was it shelved next to the "Left Behind" series?? Or since that's not by a Mormon author it's not considered "true"?
Think if I'm super nice Jesus will turn some water into wine so I can be drunk for all eternity?
96. trevordlb said:
Like...
97. jennifer_starfall said:
hey, can i get a ticket for the hell-bus? i'll bring my own keg!
98. Cindi said:
back in the days of mormonism - this used to scare the bejesus out of me:
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/youth/strength_youth.html
99. StoneMan said:
Since masturbation and premarital sex seem to be so titilating to many o the posters: please look for the "prequel", _The First Coming_, and the third installment, _The Righteous Awesomeness of Coming, Coming, and Coming Again_. I worked HARDON those books, so please don't be too critical. And, I'm very happy to be a faithful Mormon. Seriously. Like you said, we ARE all in this together... At least until you chaff are burned at last big bash! :)
100. Holly L said:
Is the masturbation pamphlet for or against self-enjoyment? I'm baffled by this. I don't know if Mormons think masturbation is a sin or not.
101. Kate said:
I thought this was possibly another belated/very early April Fool's prank so I looked it up on Amazon. Wow.
Book description:
Teenagers should know that the faithful need not fear!
Roger McKenzie knows firsthand that teenagers are unsure, even terrified about the events surrounding the Second Coming. He has personally talked to hundreds of teenagers about the events of the last days and has heard questions asked such as: "Will my family be okay?" "How can I know I’m ready?" "Have I repented enough?" "What will it be like if I’m still alive when the Savior comes again?" Relying on the scriptures, insight from Church leaders, and the effective way he connects with youth. Roger McKenzie helps fill a gap for teenagers who should know that the faithful need not fear.
Just... wow.
102. littlemy said:
OMG, funniest post ever!! I love all your posts that take the mick out of mormonism. Americans can do satire, you proved it!
103. Trish said:
We temp live with my Witness inlaws and what a treat that is sometimes. I find myself having to hold my mouth shut when it comes to certain things, the 2nd Coming included *though they don't believe that HE will be coming back just that Armageddon is coming and HE will be executing judgement on the non believers* My MIL has given me Watchtower magazines if she thinks it pertains to me (she once gave my BIL's girlfriend one on excessive drinking) It's been educational for sure and has helped reaffirm to my husband and I what we DON'T want to do to our kids.
I've told you before but it bears repeating: You rock Heather and I would needing more therapy than I already get if you were to stop blogging. Love to Leta and Chuck (Hi Jon!)
104. jenniwithanI said:
Those of you who are a little fuzzy on the details of appropriate kissing, should read "Is Kissing Sinful?"
That should clear it up for you.
As a recovering Mormon who experienced the religion as a teen, it's stuff like this that keeps you up at night with worry!
"What if I opened my mouth too much? Does that count as french-kissing? Will I be able to take the sacrament this week? If I don't, then everyone will know...I'm a sinner!!!!"
I know it's inevitable that I'll screw up my children in some way, but it gives me peace to know that they won't be screwed up like this!
105. leahpeah said:
journal entry, celestial star date 1986:
i spend all my nights looking to the stars while feeling enraptured by the prospect of living in the celestial kingdom and wondering how awesome it will be. you know, the telestial and the terrestrial are just not good enough and i won't accept either one of them. they are not awesome. that is where the people that are just 'good' or 'ok' will live. you know, like mother theresa. *sigh. it takes a lot to go to the celestial kingdom. but i never show my naked body past where the garment line would be. and i never drink beer or smoke or gossip. not like jeannie. she's so bad. she's always gossiping and talking about people. and one of her shirts shows her complete upper arm, right to the pit. soooo bad. she is so not going to the C-kingdom. it might be lonely there since there just aren't that many people that are righteous enough to go, but that's ok. bigger castles for me, i guess. and more ponies!
106. ChrisHolmes said:
Every time I read something like this I feel like Neo freed from the clutches of the Matrix. Then I feel sorry for all the suckers still plugged into the lie.
107. dscokween said:
not only is the second coming going to be *awesome*, but Salt Lake City will house the most evil people in the world. My vote is that heather is leading a parade down the iron rod right into the swampy depths of despair. She's our latter-day Laman!
108. Fyse said:
I can't hear the words 'second coming' without thinking of the great Prophet Zarquon at the 'Restaurant at the End of the Universe'...
"Er, look, I'm sorry I'm a bit late. I've had the most ghastly time, all sorts of things cropping up at the last moment. Er, how are we for time? Have I just got a min-" BOOM!
Classic...
109. Heide Mueller-Hatton said:
Wow. Those Mormons (Less-mons?) really have their finger on the pulse of their target demographic. They're about 25 years late, but whatevs.
110. Carrie Johnston said:
PLEASE!!! For the love of whatever certain of you find holy,
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
Spelling class is now over.
111. Toyfoto said:
Hey, like, Nothingbutbonfires, you can, like, sooo totally forget all that stuff you said about tampons and stuff because you're not getting your period in heaven. Duh! And Jesus is, like, way too hot to be on a waterslide, K?
112. Jamie said:
I'm married to a recovering Mormon and live in Utah, so close to Provo I can smell the funeral potatoes and Jello. Anyhow, I'm really looking forward to the second coming. No more traffic on 15!
113. vegasandvenice said:
I like so totally hope the "second coming" doesn't start before prom, like that would be totally not cool!
Do Mormons have prom?
114. Smacky said:
I saw that exact book the other day.
115. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
Dear Carrie Johnston~
Thank you. That was bugging me too.
If there's one word everyone should know how to spell, it's mastUrbation.
paige
116. Ryan said:
I've always found those masturbation phamplets kind of a turn on.
Pg 1: Don't sleep in the same bed with your missionary companion, or you'll burn in hell.
Pg 2: Touching yourself innappropriately does not bring the spirit into your life, and you'll burn in hell.
Pg 3: You will burn in hell!
It's like a romance novel.
117. M@ said:
That book will take on a new meaning when she discovers she's multiorgasmic.
118. M@ said:
ps: the girl on the cover - not Heather, I mean.
119. esther said:
i've learned, growing up in utah, that the best way to get around the whole 'what ward do you go to?' and 'wanna go to the stake dance this weekend?' is to simply say, 'i'm buddhist'. shut's them up real quick and i am only silently judged.
it also helps that i'm asian and obviously an unchristian heathen. you can't save me! ha ha ha!
120. Kren said:
Not really a rapture story, but I'm reminded of the (true) story of a Texas legislator who, in speaking about a bill to make English the official language of the state, actually said, "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me." Awesome comment, dude, and so on-target!
121. MelanieinOrygun said:
Leahpeah, is that an actual real diary entry? My god! I bout died. I bet big bucks my sister-in-law has a diary somewhere with that exact same entry in it...
Kren, that is awesome. Sure it wasn't a member of the Bush fambly?
The comments are almost as funny as the post today!
122. PixieMegh said:
Hi! Long time reader, first time commenter. Heather, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. I don't always agree with everything you say about Mormons on this site, BUT I can see the humor in most of what you write here. Besides, it's YOUR blog, not mine.
I'm only posting here to defend my "coolness" because as a born, raised and still practicing Mormon I hate hearing that I can't possibly have or be any fun because of it. A book like that would have only been bought for me as a joke by a friend as my parents knew better than to give me stupid stuff like that (in fact they might have bought something like that for me as a joke).
For the record, even though I've never done anything "terrible" (ie: sex, coffee, alcohol etc.) I'm still able to live a relitively "normal" life. I just saw KoRn (who I think are banned from Utah lol) last month and would have seen Nine Inch Nails last week if I could have afforded it. I also argue with my husband on a regular basis for my right to say "fuck".
PS. I commend you on your bravery to live in Utah. I never will.
123. HeySenorita said:
I spent my honeymoon last summer near Cardston, Alberta, which seems to be populated entirely by Mormons. One day in town, we passed bookstore where I figured I could pick up a copy of the newest Harry Potter book. Um, nope.
It was an LDS bookstore that also sold devotional art. It was totally bizarre going into a bookstore where I abosutely nothing was familiar. We didn't stay long.
124. Michelle said:
it's unfortunate, but so, so true. i was very much genuinely concerned about what i would be wearing at the time of the second coming for most of my teenage years. in retrospect, i should have realized how evil and wrong my wardrobe was at that time. i hope the pictures burn with me.
125. Dorkette said:
Totally! Like, I think heaven will be all the Sprite I can drink and The Carpenters' Greatest Hits on repeat for all eternity!
126. coelacanth said:
This book is no different than the voodoo doll, immaculate conception, 72 virgins, or even the rabbit's foot. The unfortunate truth is that the vast majority of people adopt or become brainwashed into believing the superstitions of their cohort. It's always a pleasure to read the blog of someone who hasn't met such a fate. ;)
127. jlf said:
Ok, like, mormons wait until marriage to frenchkiss? And, I agree with Heather, I do not want to be in my pjs (or anything else, for that matter) at the second coming...
jlf
128. skissman said:
I found the masturbation pamphlet I think; and no, they are *not* in favor of it.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/daily/sexuality/masturbation.htm
I think I'm glad I'm Methodist, you know, the we really don't want to offend anyone religion. Casserole anyone?
129. onbeelay said:
Correct me if I'm wrong here but instead of the masturbation pamphlet, don't the girls get a dating one? Like how to date the Mormon way. I.E. not until your 16, best place to go is the Temple Gardens.... Man I wish I could remember them all.
130. onbeelay said:
Correct me if I'm wrong here but instead of the masturbation pamphlet, don't the girls get a dating one? Like how to date the Mormon way. I.E. not until your 16, best place to go is the Temple Gardens.... Man I wish I could remember them all. Double dates?
Also do you think there is no explicit talk about female masturbation because its okay for females to masturbate or because the actual thought of females masturbating would bring the church elders to think impure thoughts or is it just out of the realm of possiblity that females might also wish to masturbate? Or does it not really matter all that much to Gawd because he's not talking to us anyways?
131. AL said:
Gosh Heather - I love you... ok not in the like the mushy way but in the "OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOU YOU'RE SO FUNNY" way....
Your posts can always make me laugh and this one is no exception!
Thanks!
-AL
132. ClaireDanish said:
The church elders are all MEN, I think, and so aren't really concerned with the women, like, totally, abusing themselves. Awesome. Anyone care to join me on the bobsled to hell? T-shirts available upon request, and much suckupage is required. Martini's are optional.
133. istealcookies said:
You guys are hilarious! i love reading you blog daily. i can't think of anything funny to add. My energy has been sucked out with being in a packed chuckee cheese's (huh?!)for i dunno how many hours. I count tokens worth mostly now. so $20 worth of tokens. yey me!!
134. JennyRyan said:
I can totally relate to this! I am a recovering Baptist who went to a Christian school where I was told that the Rapture would occur in 1988, so I never thought I had to plan my life farther than my sophomore year in high school.
It was a great shock to wake up one day married, as an adult, and realize that I actually did have to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
135. AmandaR. said:
*LiKe oH My GaH!! LikE yOU KnoW WhAt ElsE WoUlD Be LikE SoOooO EmbArraSSing?!?**
UmM HeLLO!?!
If HE CamE WhIlE In We WeRe LiKe In thE ShOWER oR SOmeTHing!!*
:-)
Great post! Seriously, one of my most favorites!!
136. Ryan Stewart said:
Not sure if someone else has posted it or not. I didn't take time to read all of the comments because I got so excited about the Mormon masterbation pamphlet.
I found it! Click my name above to take a look.
One of my favorites, "...Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember — "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act."
Damnit! I was reading (and thinking) about this pamphlet . . .
***scurries off to act on his thoughts***
137. Ryan Stewart said:
Holy Shit. After doing more reading, I just found out that the "Little Factory" sermon that eventually became the pamphlet that SurprisingWoman mentioned above was written on my birthday.
http://www.i4m.com/think/jpeg/masturbation_manual.jpg
http://www.i4m.com/think/sexuality/masturbation_help.htm
138. Marcvs said:
Me and my family are planning on flying to Salt Lake this summer and then driving to Sun Valley, Jackson Hole and Yellowstone. I have a couple of questions:
Do you think that we should give up the rest of the trip and just stay in Utah on the off chance that we are there for the Awesome second coming?
The girl with the glassy eyes on the cover of the book appears to be under the influence of something (I imagine it's the Lord) - will she be O.K.?
Finally, If the Awesome second coming happens while we are out of the state -- does that mean the airport will be closed for our return trip?
Any help with these questions would be greatly appreciated!
139. manei said:
My dogs told me Chucks collar IS on backwards, but they didn't want to laugh :(
140. Smacky said:
I like his collar "backwards." He's so "I'm totally making a fashion statement" with it like that.
Huzzah for Chuck Fridays!
141. karenology said:
"Like, OH my GAWD, I hope I don't get roaming charges in heaven."
142. Melessa said:
I am Mormon and I'm floored (and really amused) that such a book exists. I can also guarantee that I didn't wait for marriage to French kiss (among other things...).
Then again, I live in Oklahoma and the books we have in the checkout line are usually written by Baptists and written more along the lines of explaining to me why I'M (imagine italics there) going to hell.
143. betina said:
Just in defense of Mormons that do NOT live in UT, I have to say I am SO embarassed when books like that are even published.... que verguenza. Such things do not represent members of the LDS church world wide... in fact, every time I go back to UT to visit I am astonished by new, embarassing things Mormon culture has invented, last time I was there (in the Fall) I saw a billboard for some Mormon culture movie "Mormon Mafia" or something. UGH. Very embarassing and so NOT they way I live my Faith.
144. kerri said:
Like, I'm SO asking for that book for my birthday. And if, like, my mom doesn't buy it for me, then I'm totally telling her she's not awesome, and that, like, you know, she's probably going to the hot place.
145. jenniwithanI said:
If you all follow the link Skissman so kindly provided above that describes the church's position on masturbation, you can see the accompanying picture of a young teen boy, maybe 15 years old, looking pretty frickin' pissed that he's not supposed to masturbate!
Either that, or he masturbates quite frequently and is feeling the "guilt and shame"...
It's too much! too much!
146. jenniwithanI said:
There are just no words. you have to read it to believe it. Even as a young Mormon (maybe cause I was in Jersey), I would never have believed this.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/daily/sexuality/packer_young.htm
147. Maya said:
Oh man, the second coming! Geez, that will be really awesome, won't it? Can't wait. Life will be, like, sick, man. Jesus was so chill. I hope he's cute.
148. torihoney said:
the kid's face on the link that skissman put up is priceless. do you think they actually chose someone in the faith to represent what not to do?
i'm famous! for masturbation. hmm. should have thought that one out a little more. not as totally awesome as i would have previously thought.
149. Michael Moore said:
so, did anyone read the masturbation pamphlet that was linked on here? It's basically the funniest thing I have ever read. Well, maybe not funny. More like... terrible.
Also, the guy on the pamphlet looked like a guilty puppy... albiet a hot one.
As for the book, all I can think of is passing notes in class that read: "do you praise jesus? Check yes/no"
150. Laurie said:
QUESTION: Why don't Mormons drink coffee or tea but eat chocolate and coke? Is it not a caffeine thing?
151. Motherhooduncensored said:
It's amazing how much Fundamentalists and Mormons have in common. Okay, so there's the whole Jesus thing. But look. When you are marrying the holy spirit, your choice of rapture outfit is tres importante.
But lately, being the uber-deprived mother that I am, the only thing I think of when I hear second coming is, well...*ahem* Hey, we can all dream can't we?
152. doog said:
Saw this notice:
Carrie Johnston said at 03:04PM, 04.07.2006:
PLEASE!!! For the love of whatever certain of you find holy,
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
m-a-s-t-U-r-b-a-t-i-o-n
Spelling class is now over.
----
(waving arm furiously like Horshack)
CAN WE HAVE ANOTHER CLASS?
Seriously....
Heather - write a PROPER book like this!! We could slip em into the stands... think of it as viral sexuality. The next generation of happy people will revere you. Or not.
153. Shelli said:
OMG! That book would SOOOOO be illegal in NYC!
I just snarfed my seltzer.
154. lbates said:
1. That book looks really lame. Most books written for LDS youth are.
2. It's not doctrine, it's a book written by someone, like any other nonfiction uncannonized book.
3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn't do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot.
4. Four words, if they mean anything to anyone: Great and Spacious Building.
5. Not that it means anything to you, but off my bookmarks you go. This is disappointing.
155. Askew Adventures said:
I haven't noticed these books in the stores here, but then again, I mostly use the self-checkout lanes that don't have books. I just moved to SLC 5 weeks ago and so far I really like it here. It's beautiful, the people are really friendly, and it's much easier and safer to find multicultural food and people and activities than it was back in Philadelphia (mostly because sadly a lot of the cultural areas there are also scary neighborhoods). I haven't had anyone accost me about mormonism and most of the people I've met are either non-mormons or recovering mormons.
156. Haruka said:
Ok, so does it really matter to anyone what relgion you are and what your beliefs are?
Who cares if you are , are not , ever have been or whatever. Your beliefs are part of who you are, and I'm tired of people mocking what someone believes, thinks etc. This is mainly what is wrong with the world and society. I dont believe its wrong to be good and live a good life.
157. Haruka said:
"3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn't do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot."
Oh yeah, and I agree . I dont bash other religions, I RESPECT their beliefs. I may not agree with everything they do but I dont PUBLICLY bash them or say they're stupid or whatever.
Grow up.
158. Haruka said:
"3. Why is it okay to mock Mormons so harshly? Why is it so accepted to do that? You couldn't do that with say, Jewish people, without being called a bigot."
Oh yeah, and I agree . I dont bash other religions, I RESPECT their beliefs. I may not agree with everything they do but I dont PUBLICLY bash them or say they're stupid or whatever.
Grow up.
159. Jude said:
I love the part where you start writing in teenspeak. Like, that was so, you know, AWESOME.
160. MadMeer said:
So how do you motivate your kids to succeed if you're Mormon? Is it fear alone or do parents say things like: "Work really hard and do well in school, kids! The world is going to end before you can do anything with your knowledge, but do it anyway...cuz uhh...watching VH1 all day and eating ice cream is just boring!"
I beg to differ. Call me an opportunist, but if I was constantly reminded of the 2nd coming as a kid, I would have been skippng school and doing drugs ASAP. Who needs homework when The Jeez has your back? I'd share my Cherry Garcia with a swell guy like that!
161. patatomic said:
Can't we all just get along? Geez...all the condescending remarks 'n stuff...(sigh).
As a card carrying Mo this kind of stuff embarrasses me to no end. I swear that we're NOT a bunch of weirdos.
But of course feel free to believe whatever is most convienent or whatever fules your fire.
162. dykewife said:
the second coming has totally different meanings to different people, and in my mind it has nothing to do with deity...*snicker* yes, i'm rude.
i'm always surprised at the stuff that churches aim at kids. i remember reading a comic book every sunday at church, all about some kid who would sin and then find his way back to the church, do confession and be all forgiven and stuff.
i wonder. do former mormans get morman flashbacks like catholics do?
163. SurprisingWoman said:
Here is a link to the mastUrbation information.
;)
http://helpingmormons.org/Masterbation.htm
Oops, you can tell I have some LDS roots, they didn't know how to spell it either, maybe I learned it from the person that made the link. The brochure is correct.
164. Stacey said:
Ex-Jehovah's Witness here. I think I just had a flashback.
167. FeelinFroggy said:
Just a little side note, number seven on the steps to overcoming the satanic hold of masturbation paphlet says: "Never read about your problem."
So if you can't read about it then how are you supposed to get through the other two steps plus the helpful suggestions? And if you get to step seven does that mean that it is too late because you have been reading about your problem? Maybe that should have been step one.
This Mormon thing is confusing.
168. FeelinFroggy said:
Do you think is was a cyber space Freudian slip that the sight is MASTERbation? Is that why they you are the MASTER of your own domain?
169. pristy said:
lbates, I love that you ask why it's okay to mock Mormons and then in the same post mention the "Great and Spacious Building" to remind us all of how evil we are. THAT is why it's okay to mock Mormons. Well, that and pretty much every Boyd K. Packer conference talk. And Joseph Smith's sexual promiscuity. And the Kinderhook plates. And books like this.
170. monkey said:
What the hell is the Great and Spacious Building? It sounds like prime real estate. Are there vending machines? I have this recurring dream that I'm trying to get to these really cool vending machines that are always located in the basement/parking garage of whatever building I'm in. But I never get to them. And sometimes in the dream, the zombie invasion starts and I don't have time for vending machines then. *sigh*
171. MissBehave said:
Hahaha you make me laugh. Your understanding of what is really important to teenagers and what they really go through is just so fantastic. I think Leta is lucky to have you, because when she's a teenager and she's giving you hell - you are going to be one kick ass of a mother.
172. wendyjol said:
And life right here and right now? Isn't that awesome!!!
173. Talon said:
MrsShad, you totally weren't the only one.
>.>
<.<
174. Taegan7879 said:
Dude, you guys....Jesus is our brother! I dont want him seeing me in the shower, eww!
175. Sherry said:
I would actually read that book for fun. I love the expression on the girl's face. She's thinking of Jesus! Or maybe a bowl of ice cream.
176. Sarah said:
Wow, I wish I had a guide on coming for the second time!
165. she-mantis said:
Ohmygod I'm TOTALLY going to sleep in full makeup and a cute outfit every night from now on JUST IN CASE.
166. blurb said:
I guarantee that if there were crass, smarmy and pandering Catholic or Jewish books in the supermarket and a cameraphone was present, the photo would be published here.
Mormons, stop with the victimization. This book is pseudo-gospel horseshit. Get over yourselves. More crap like this is going to be produced if it's intended audience buys it. Does your Mormon teen NEED a shite book like this outside of the scriptures?
177. Fox said:
As a former Mormon myself, you have me almost spewing coffee all over my new laptop with laughter. I know that when I was a teen in the church, I thought about how amazing it would be... Like, totally.
I grew up in St. George. My family's still there.
178. licia_marie said:
Go tongue. yes please.
179. jenniwithanI said:
For many of us ex-Mormons, pain is behind the resentment that is behind the "condescending remarks." It's like therapy.
The fallacy of the Great and Spacious Building (an allegory about people who look down on and judge other people--in the Mormon faith, evil people laughing at the saintly people, i.e., Mormon people) is that those who are in it are different than those who aren't. Those who believe in this story shouldn't think for a second that they haven't been inside this "building" too.
180. mzhummina said:
I think this book may be a bit over my head. Instead I will be waiting for the LDS sponsored and adult-aimed, "The Second Coming For Dummies: Storing Up Treasures In Heaven or Do You Really Need That 401K?"
181. Elizabeth M. Johnson said:
Incredible.
182. Catalina said:
Is it just me, but does the girl on the cover look like Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She's all, like, ready for slayage or something.
183. jezzy_girl said:
Heather:
I come here for a trip down memory lane, and for like-minded thinking (oh and for a good laugh!)-- and you never fail to disappoint!
Yes I remember going to summer youth conferences and listening to the guy talking about the second coming, showing this BIG CLOCK and basically telling us that in 'god' time, we were in the last ten seconds of the last minute before the second coming!!!
I also remember tasting beer for the first time (the horror!) freshman year at BYU before losing my virginity sophomore year at BYU-Hawaii! (great story, he was Tongan, it was on the rugby field--)
Anyway, bottom line is that books like this make my so sad and disappointed. Why!! why why why do churches or organizations sell this nonsense? It's a scare tactic - a way to sell fear, to have control and power. yuck, it makes me sick.
I love reading all the comments - what a laugh! thank you for the atrocious masturbation pamphlet link, the proper spelling of the word 'masturbation' - the likening of leaving mormonism to Neo unplugging from the pod - great analogy!
lastly - to the person who said he was Mormon and they aren't 'weirdos' - um, yes, with all due respect, mormonism is a *weird* religion. You don't see it when you are in it, you are immersed in it, your family is mormon, your friends are, etc. But once you are out - it's so liberating! And you, from the outside looking it, can see that yes--- it's weird!! Baptisms for the dead? The ONLY truth? Joseph Smith marrying 14 year olds? Joseph Smith marrying women while their husbands were on missions? The three kingdoms? The chef hats, silly outfits, and hand signs you learn about in the temple? a new 'celestial' name - a codeword to get into heaven? Jackson County Missouri - where the second coming will be? being against evolution, gay people and anything the bible or b of m don't support? The book of Abraham and the laughable way that came about? Yes - it's all WEIRD.
Thanks, Heather for letting us all discuss amongst ourselves, in fact - I'm getting a little verklempt!!
Jez
184. Lisa Ferris said:
Crzylady:
My extended family were/are JWs. I remember being 5 years old and the Watchtower (name which always reminded me of the evil eye tower at Mordor) predicted the apocolypse in October of 1975. I had aunts and uncles who sold their houses to prepare. I always wondered what the purpose of that was. What do you need the money for in paradise? Pretty scary when you are a kindergartener.
And it was 144,000 people. Even though there are more JWs than that. Hmmm.
185. Angela said:
I will never not be surprised but the religous books they put out. The sad thing is I used to read books like this when I was growing up. Granted they were Christian and not Morman, but I live on the east coast, yo. What more do you want?
In further checking out the link your provided there are plenty of other very strange books they sell. This one (http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4598672) was one of my favorites. If only my parents had known to read it.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the flurries!
186. Laurie said:
When the second coming happens and Jesus comes to Jackson Co., MO. My friend and I decided we will road trip over there to see him at the mall or convention center. Now that will be awesome. We will make a day of it. Drive over, get some Margaritas and mexican food then go to see him at whatever appearance he is making. Because seeing him on Good Morning America will just not be the same.
187. Zoe Trope said:
I love the excerpt from the publisher's website. After detailing a horrific and tragic death of a free diver who had "bad timing", they write:
God's timing, by contrast, is perfect. He knows all things (D&C 38:2). He knows what has happened to you in the past, what's happening to you now, and what will happen to you in the future. He also knows the answer to a question many of us have asked: When will Christ come again? (Matthew 24:36). Although no one else knows the day and the hour of the Second Coming, the scriptures help us understand a little about the timing of the Lord's return.
For example, "I come quickly," "nigh at hand," and "soon" (D&C 33:18; 43:17; 38:8) make it sound as if his second coming is close. But how close? According to D&C 110:16, his coming is "near, even at the doors." Wow! It sounds as if the Lord is on the world's doorstep and about to knock. But these verses were revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith more than 150 years ago. So do we really know how close the Second Coming is?
- - -
I like the "Wow!" part.
188. Nikki Jeske said:
Just... wow.
189. jen said:
Dude... that is just freaky.
We drove through Salt Lake City two years ago while driving back to Minnesota. I wanted to stay an extra couple days because it was seriously like being in a foreign country. I wanted to stay there and do some sociological studying or something -- it was that strange to me.
(Not to mention the fact that your streets make absolutely no sense and it took us a flipping hour to get out of SLC because of highway construction.)
190. Stephanie said:
I remember from ages 8-12 I was terrified of the second coming. It sounded horrific and scary and frightening to me. I've been out of the church 10 years, but still to shis day when I see a rainbow I breathe a sigh of relief and think, "Ok, I have another year".
191. Gorgonzola said:
I was raised Catholic, so I'm wondering if the second coming is supposed to be, like, totally scary or awesomely cool. Will Britney be there?
192. thleen said:
Ok...it's Saturday here and I am in my "Hey! I do not have to report for anything today. WooHoo." In otherwords, I think differently and sarcastically when I can, so I log on to Dooce.com , my favorite blog, btw, and there is that book in the photo. I paused and read the title twice. Initially thinking it was a title from that fun bookstore you found the baby book titles, you know, the teenager section...kind of a Sex Ed book for teen girls in Utah and then scrolled down and figured out what the real meaning of the title was. Then in my small little area of info I have on the Mormon religion I jumped to the "men marrying 14 year olds" part. Funny how that worked.
PS: the forsythia pic is very beautiful.