SXSW Detox
Jon and I got back late yesterday from our quick trip to SXSW in Austin. The whole trip seems like a blur now, every second of our stay scheduled out into meetings and panels and interviews. I'll be writing up my impressions of the conference later today after I have fully recovered from the worst hangover I have ever experienced. The one goal I had going into our last night in Austin was simple: Make it so that I don't throw up the next day. I am proud to report that I have as much ambition for failure as I do for success because NO ONE IN THE WORLD has ever missed the mark as spectacularly as I did two nights ago. Notice the evidence circulating on the Internet:
Where everyone is standing a safe distance from my propellor arms.
Oddly, I don't even remember this.
The Avon World Sales Leader would be so proud.
The beginning of the loss of my memory.
Jon did comfort me last night in bed as I lay motionless, my body battered and bruised from gagging every two minutes for the previous 12 hours. He said, "I want you to know that I was not embarrassed last night. Not at all. I was just worried that you might actually hurt someone."
Leta stayed with my father during this trip and was returned to us yesterday looking about 15 pounds heavier. Turns out she eats for other people and in turn poops for them, too. Nothing could have made this trip more complete than knowing that my Republican Father, Man Who Vehemently Denies The Existence of Any Bodily Function, had to change over seven poopy diapers. That was more satisfying than forcing him to sit still and listen to Al Franken. Almost.
This morning as all three of us were lying half-awake in bed eating dry Fruity Pebbles Leta stuck her foot in the air, grabbed her large toe and chirped, "Piggy went to market," which was thrilling for several reasons, the first of which is OH MY GOD SHE'S STRINGING TOGETHER SUBJECTS AND VERBS, the logical next step is award winning poetry. This is also evidence that my father showered her with love: he has this thing with toes, loves to pull and twist them and cause injury, and he taught her that piggy game where each toe is a piggy, one going to market, the other staying home, etc. Throughout my childhood he showed us love by pulling our toes, and it warms my heart to know that while we were gone he showed that same love to my child, that special love of yanking her toes out of their sockets. I'd say we're one step closer to inheriting those leather couches.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. lastnode said:
It's funny, I'm just listening to your keynote right now. :) Great talk, I learnt a lot about how you blog, which is cool, after reading Dooce for years. I always felt you approached the site like a column, and it's nice to finally have that confirmed.
Btw, the last photo link doesn't send me through. I think you may have set it to Friends & Family only, or something.
2. karmajunkie said:
It was really awesome meeting you guys Monday! Quite possibly the highlight of my spring break... You guys rock!
3. Maniacal said:
I've always had a thing with toes....they kinda freak me out.....but for some reason little baby/toddler toes are soooo cute! Glad you had a good (too good?) tme at the confrence. I'm gonna go listen to your speach right now.
4. jacks said:
Darrin's Dance Grooves have truly been an inspiration for you!
5. kendall said:
I reminded of a move I used to bust out at all my school dances- the sprinkler.
Heather, you really know how to work it. Jon and Leta must be so proud.
6. Urs said:
welcome back! i've missed your posts.
7. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I have the same propellor arms as you - I have taken out a few people with my arms in the past.
I am curious to know how the meet and greet went in Austin. I didn't make it because I had to - gag - work. But I saw that there was even a small spot in the Austin Chronicle about your visit to Halcyon. I can only imagine the frenzy which took place!
I love the story about Leta - the love between a granddaddy and his granddaughter is like no other. My dad, who was always sort of distant from us growing up, is like putty in the hands of my niece. I love seeing their interaction.
8. mel said:
I listened to the podcast from your panel over the weekend and it was really great!! Both you and kottke.org had me laughing outloud. great stuff!
9. Meretrice said:
Hey,
As the mother of a small child, take EVERY SINGLE opportunity to get away that you can. And just think of it, I bet some of that alcohol is a tax-deductable business expense.
God bless the Internet
Meretrice
10. davidhorn said:
Oh my ... is it like Elaine on Seinfeld? There's some good round ups of SXSW out there - sounds like it was a great event. Welcome back!
11. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Heather, you don't remember licking the monkey?
I'll bet the monkey remembers YOU. Don't be surprised if you get flowers.
12. ieatcrayonz said:
Party on, Heather. I love the pictures of the guy with the lipstick kiss in the background of the Mena Trott pix.
Me thinks there may have been swinging involved at the par-tay.
13. LeafGirl77 said:
I can't tell you how much I love those last two pics. There's nothing like being 'free' on a dance floor.
Looks like one hell of a good time.
As for your dad playing with Leta's toes, I hope my dad terrorizes my children in the pool like he did with me. The theme from Jaws will NEVER be the same.
14. redheadwriter said:
My three year old is exactly like Leta. He'll eat anywhere and for anyone but me at home. And he never, ever poops (we're on Day Three right now). I can't count the number of poopy diapers I've brought in to be analyzed by his pediatrician ... who simply tells me he's just "that kind" of pooper.
15. jolie said:
welcome back - I can't wait to hear about the meet-up. I bet one of your rabin fans tried to pull your toes, non?
16. lawbrat said:
A grandfathers love is just so special. The poopy diapers are just an extra added bonus!
Looks like you had a very fun time, let loose, and enjoyed!
I'd like to add: I think its awesome that Jon can be home with you and Leta. The reduction in anxiety is so worth it. My kids are older than Leta, but when Phil is home its so much better. He's like a dad to them (they have their own dad, and Phil dosent try to take that place), but he treats them as his own, takes care of them when i'm studying or taking a nap, and its just so nice to have that support.
I'm very happy for you that you have more of Jon at home, and life just seems so much better for you. You just seem so much more relaxed and enjoying what life has given you!!
Many hugs and love to you and your family.
17. Jenn said:
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine!
Licking monkeys. Flailing arms. Alcohol fueled dancing. I'm jealous.
18. Teeny225 said:
Oh my word, I just about passed out laughing at that first photo of the propellor arms! There are many, many photos of me in that kind of state, but fortunately for me they don't end up all over the internet (at least not to my knowledge). I guess that's the price you pay for being a celebrity blogger...! I'm off work today with a stinking cold, so thanks for cheering me up!
19. Mike from Austin said:
Hi Heather,
Great meeting you guys on Monday, too. That's awesome how you were at the Velvet Spade! They are one of my web clients and a great bunch of folks over there. Looks like you enjoyed the 2 story patio and waterfall area...isn't that place great?
Glad you had such a great time in Austin!
20. Kelly Ferry said:
Your dance photos look alarmingly like my high school yearbook photos of my "routine" for the Junior Miss Pageant. Except your clothes are much nicer than the black leotard and white ballet flats I wore. Much nicer.
21. Shana Banana said:
HAHAHA! Im telling you, in a past life, me and you used to party together. It's those drunken akward white people dance moves that make us special! Thanks for the laughs kiddo. Give that eatin' poppin machine a big squeeze and zurburt her cheeks for me!
22. Be Still said:
I think Austin inspires heavy drinking. It is so damn hot down there, it's easy to put it away.
Your podcast with Jason was very timely. I had just received my first troll comment on my blog. When you said someone had devoted an entire site to hating you, I realized that I should be so lucky! ;)
23. RzDrms said:
that last link is "private." ::pout::
24. lindsayc said:
funny funny!
25. Jennifer said:
Okay, those pictures are incredibly FUNNY. I'm sorry that you had to spend so much time vomiting and being hung over. That sucks.
26. islaygirl said:
thank God you're back. i was having some serious withdrawl.
27. fred said:
i hope the money bought you breakfast.
28. fred said:
oopss.. i meant i hope the MONKEY bought you breakfast.
29. MamaPajama said:
Did you meet Henry Rollins? You would definitely remember that no matter the circumstances - particularly if you knocked him out with your propellor arms along the way.
30. Mary Craig said:
Ha! Someone who's an even bigger goober than me when drunk.
I hope y'all had a good time the great state of Texas!
31. Maniacal said:
HA, I finally looked at the pictures! Looks like a good time! I love the ones from the balcony.....and Yea, he may have SAID he wasn't embarrased...but don't believe him!!!
32. William said:
Look like a great time.
Where I come from, the middle piggy has Roast beef. What does it have where you are from.
33. Jim Brodhead said:
Funny...maybe it's just my guy connected cluelessness but I never figured you for a monkey licker...sheesh...you think you know a little about a person and then "Booom!", the illusions are shattered. Wonder what the church's official "revealed wisdom" is on the subject of "simian slobber swapping"?
34. katehopeeden said:
I am totally jealous. I wanted to go tonight and see The Trews but for a multitude of reasons, I can not.
Glad to hear that Leta is pooping. My mom swore by apple and white grape juice to get the poop moving.
You know what though?
If she has a hard time pooping, it could work to your benefit for potty training.
My oldest daughter got constipated when I switched her to real milk and whenever she had to poop, she would lean up against the wall and contort her face to something similar to freddy kruger and I would always pick her up and take her to the little kid potty and sit and give her a book.
She was potty trained before she was two!
~K
35. miss kendra said:
i really wish i could have gone.
stupid car accident and irs keeping me from doing crunk dane moves with internet stars!
36. Amybobamy said:
I think the best part of this, is that Leta pooped and got her toes pulled.
Well and drunk pictures are always great.
37. Sanya said:
Those are some priceless pictures! I'd say that spending time with my grandfather was the most fun I had when I was a little girl. Of course, I'm still quite little, but now I have too much "teenager attitude" for him.
38. tigerlily said:
That first picture [which, oddly, I viewed last] made me laugh the hardest. Perhaps because I basically do the exact same thing when I've been drinking. Ahhhh alcohol... how you never disappoint.
39. BigA said:
There must be more photographs. GIVE US MORE PHOTOS WOMAN! please.
40. DDM said:
One of the best things about you Heather, is your ability to laugh at yourself. Those photos are HILARIOUS! Thanks for the giggle!
41. Kerri Wood said:
Those are some crazy delicious dance moves--it looks like a great time.
42. Goingape said:
Glad to know that southern girls with religious families can grow up to be unabashedly proud of our drunken candor and bad dance moves. Hoping one day I can be as honest as you are about my own drunken escapades. But I don't do propeller arms...
43. Vaguely Urban said:
Can't no-one ever say that you aren't a damn good time.
44. Birdy said:
I LOVE your red shoes!! They are awesome!!
45. greenthumb said:
the last time I went dancing was at my 10 year reunion and I was drunk. I didn't remember too much about the night, but someone did take photo's and publish a reunion yearbook with me on the centerfold doing my "Dirty Diana" alla Michael Jackson moves. You can see why I eagerly await this August for my 20 year reunion. I'm dying to surpass that moment with something even better. Can I borrow Darrens Dance Moves?
46. The Mighty Jimbo said:
maybe on your next trip you can send leta to grandpa's house with an al franken speak and spell. does npr make fisher price tapes?
47. jes said:
Jon's comment to you was so sweet. And appropriate.
48. the niffer said:
I wish you a speedy recovery. You don't deserve to be sick with photos like that out in the public domain.
Great shots. And you're clothed! Nothing embarassing about that.
49. Sam Merrill said:
I finally got to listen to the podcast of you and Jason. I think he was a little intimidated. :P
You're wonderful Ms. Dooce. I really enjoyed the interview/conversation/question&answer session. Your intelligence is matched only by your wit. Wish I could have been there. :)
50. Lori MacBlogger said:
Okay, but let's talk about what really important - who makes your shirt? And where can I buy one?
51. PaintingChef said:
Those last few show you're obviously ready for America's Next Top Model. You should wait by the phone because I'm quite confident that Tyra will be calling any day now!
52. Sarah said:
You are hilarious. I love that you have linked us to several embarrassing photos of yourself!
The 80's video shot is my favorite, with the monkey-licking a close second.
Hope you feel better soon.
53. tlc_jaba said:
I thoroughly enjoy your site, love your stories and pictures. But just when I think you can't possibly be any cooler, you go and do this. Hilarious!
54. laura said:
absolutely hysterical. looks like you had a great time =)
those red shoes are THE SEX. they would make me feet look like huge and ugly, but they look amazing on you.
55. Holy Schmidt! - Melanie said:
I'm glad you had fun. I would've paid good money to see that!
BTW, with the Miralax thing, you can add it to any juice that Leta will drink. She won't notice that it's in it. It's really a great little miracle worker!
Read: http://holyschmidt.blogspot.com/2006/02/colon-ation-station-aka-girls-po...
56. blondeinthemidwest said:
Welcome back!! I have missed your posts since you were gone. Loved the SXSW talk you did though...It was good listening for my a.m. commute!!
(Oh and I love the "propellor arms"!!)
57. BeachMama said:
Sounds like you had a blast in Austin. I only wish I was closer so I could have come out to meet you guys. Another time, if you ever head North of the border!
Good for Grandpa! There are no diapers changed by Grandpa here ;)
58. Charles R. Kaiser said:
Heather,
Glad to see that you and Jon had a great time in Austin.
But what's weird is that you would spell "propeller" the way you did and then everyone else just follows along in the comments without saying anything. . .
Or am I just missing something?
59. MollySummer said:
wow. those pictures look oddly familiar.
where can I hear the keynote?
60. Amy said:
Actually, both ways of spelling "propeller" are correct. Maybe most people just spell it that way :)
61. 39andwaiting said:
This is my first post. I have had the pleasure of enjoying your site for the past three months. I have no idea how I ended up here, but so glad I did. I enjoy viewing your website and photos daily and I love your humor. I am a 39, divorced, no children female finally figuring out life. I listened to the SXSW podcast and now love you even more! I am glad that you and John had a wonderful trip and I can only imagine the hangovers you endured. I look foward to posting more in the future and note you have a new fan from Florida!
62. April-Lyn Caouette said:
Those pictures rock! :) I have a feeling that my visit to Austin on Saturday will be a lot less eventful, and will not result in complete strangers posting drunken pictures of me on flickr. I'm not sure whether I should be relieved or disappointed.
63. Annejelynn said:
what I like most is in the daily pic, there's a fellow off to the right, behind Trott and Coates and he has the lipstick remains of a kiss on his cheek!
64. Melissa said:
That's sweet about your dad. I hope you feel better soon.
65. MamaKBear said:
Looks like a good time was had by all, especially a certain little monkey! Hehehe!
My 3 yr old goes to Grandma's and eats like we've been starving her, but at home it's such a battle. Good grief...
66. Amanda B. said:
It's fabulous to see you laughing and having fun. Super-staaaaah.
But the dancing. Oh, Heather, the dancing...
*tries to remove part of frontal lobe with sharpie*
67. Irina said:
Has anyone said Holy Shit yet? Because I see these and think: Holy Shit. In a good, speechless way, of course.
68. Kate said:
Oh. My. God. I want to go out with you guys SO much. If you ever come to New York City please please please let me buy you a drink.
69. Nifle said:
I am sooooo glad that I wasn't in Austin yesterday, no offense, because if I was I would still be laughing at work from having sooooo much fun! Next time you're in Memphis, I am taking ya'll to Beale Street!
70. Wicked H said:
Dance like nobody's watching. Words to live by.
Welcome back!
71. Charles R. Kaiser said:
I stand corrected. . .
It's an American English thing ;)
72. the kim half of glamorouse said:
There is something so comforting in knowing you get drunk. Because you know, the no pooing thing just heightens your God-like status (although I'm sure it has quite an aroma on its overdue arrival).
73. kristyk said:
I'm so glad Jon posted the link to the podcasts. I've listened to the keynote, but haven't made it through the Q & A yet [kids!]. It was interesting to hear the thought process behind choosing advertising vs. subscription and the results experienced by both of you. It was like a science project.
74. Karen Rani said:
LOVED the photos - and I love that comments are open too. I hope no one forces you to close them again. That whole sense of community is really nice.
75. KimH said:
Thank GOD I wasn't drinking anything, it would surely have come out of my nose as I was laughing.
Looks like you had a blast!
Waiting to see some pics like that of Jon. Surely he can do the SAFETY DANCE! Or did he just laugh at you and take pictures?
76. Fuzzy said:
Hi Heather
Nice to see from these photos that you are as shy and retiring as your writing would leads us to believe.
77. literatigirl said:
May I suggest Heather, that you eschew your case of "intoxihumilation" and simply chalk it all up to an aspect of your personality without which you would be incomplete. After nights out in which I have gotten thoroughly sloshed (though thankfully I seem to have put vomiting by the wayside in my later years) and am begging my husband to console me that I wasn't really the giant fool I thought I was, I take comfort in remembering that I am really the only one who has an entire sense of just how silly I actually am. Plus, you are clearly, like me, a drunk who becomes a great lover of the world and everything in it. This is always better and more forgiveable than the drunk who berates her fellow men and women for being half the person she is.
I'd also suggest beer- though I understand the unappealing calorie content manifest therein.
78. Beverlee said:
I remember (sort of!) times in my past where having a night like this was what I totally needed. It was cleansing in a sort of mentally and physically painful way. I just get tired now. I envy and admire your ability and of taking the opportunity to totally let go!
79. mindylou00 said:
Hey, I just wanted to say it was so great getting to meet and hang out with you and Jon on Monday. It was refreshing to see that you are even cooler in person (not that I doubted for a minute! haha) I'm glad you had a good time in Austin. Those pictures are priceless!!
80. kefuller77 said:
I know this is totally random and perhaps a bit irritating, but, may I ask what brand of jeans you wear? You always seem to have the most fabulous jeans. I need to get me some of them!
81. laura said:
No, I was not under the influence of any intoxicating elements when I posted my original comment...but it sure as hell read like I did. So here goes, attempt #2...
absolutely hysterical. looks like you had a great time =)
those red shoes are THE SEX. they would make my feet look like huge, ugly tomatoes, but you definitely rock them.
82. shauna said:
ooh er mate, your voice is just so foxy!
really enjoyed the keynote, especially hearing about the way you approach writing... great stuff :)
83. happykat said:
I was going to say thanks fo re-opening the comments section, but now I think I will curse you for it! CURSES! Do you know how long it takes to get through these. It's like reading a bill going through Congress!
AAaaaaaaaaaaagghgghhhhhh!
84. marian said:
Oh man. Honey you have done yourself proud. This is priceless.
85. Monika said:
LOL
Thanks for sharing the pics, I'm laughing with you not at you, I swear! Hey, props to you for knowing how to have fun!
86. Naomi said:
You're so cool. Also you remind me of my good friend, Priscilla, who also does wonderfully hysterical things when she's tanked...and is giantly tall and enviously thin.
87. Tarin said:
Oh, thank God.
Podcast of your keynote revealed that, "GOT INNERNET ON THA THANG?" is NOT how you really sound. Not that there's anything wrong with sounding like that, it's just not what I thought you'd sound like...so when you did sound like that, well...it threw me for a loop.
So what you said about not wanting personal appearances to get in the way of the relationship or perception formed with dooce, you'll be happy to discover that, in this case anyway, it is your personal appearance (albeit audio-via-podcast personal) that realligned said perception.
The twang I'd been affording your recent posts wasn't sitting right and now I know why. And I am relieved.
88. Katie said:
Those photos are brilliant. Pulitzer prize winning.
89. tksinclair said:
Hey, look at it this way, at least you didn't sing Karaoke! Wish I could say the same about my last binge when with little encouragement I "performed" (and I use the word performed generously) "Oh Mickey you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Mickey!" That was New Years Eve 1999 and I haven't left the house since!
90. Jenie said:
Wow...that's some ummmm.....good dancing. *snort* lol
Glad to see you had a good time.
91. Alissa Szarek said:
I so wish I was in Austin to see this. Thank goodness for digital cameras!
92. whisper_lover said:
My heart did a little flutter-thing when I saw that Leta was stringing together subjects and verbs...just wanted to let you know! She's so adorable.
Hahahaaa...the thought of your bodily-functions-phobia dad changing Leta's diaper multiple times made me laugh so hard! Just desserts!
Oh, and, of course...beautiful dance moves...you're gorgeous!
93. laurie said:
looks like ya'll had an awesome time!
94. Denice said:
Are you sure you want to own a couch passed down from a parent? For sure, for sure?
95. greenthumb said:
Amanda B.: Silly girl, don't you know? A sharpie won't get you anywhere, but ShopVac, that will do the trick.
96. jackie said:
It was totally righteous meeting you on Monday, even if you aren't "righteous" enough for BYU.
The pictures are fantastic, but what they don't show is that outside the frame, there are about five people per square foot. Were they giving you a wide berth because you're famous? Because they fear the propellor arms? It's hard to say.
I think you did Austin right, after all.
97. katielauren said:
And this whole time I've been thinking my father was the only sicko that showed love by pulling on my toes until I cried. I swear my little toe is all crooked because of this!
98. gabip said:
OK Heather, you have sooooo many talents, the writing, the photography, the ability to make us laugh....but alas, girlfriend cannot dance. Elaine, I mean Heather, two out of three isn't bad.
99. Wendy Mac said:
Ha ha ha ha! Heather, you totally crack me up!
I love the way you dance, you are just so darn cute.
No wonder Jon loves you so much.
100. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
How much fun was THAT!
Damn with the living vicariously. It sucks.
101. eddeaux said:
so glad you were able to experience Texas in such a great way. Austin is awesome, next time come to Dallas and we'll show you a good time.
102. espressobean04 said:
So glad you had a great trip! Thanks for sharing the photos. :o)
103. Laura said:
I'm still recovering myself. On the plane, I had a ginger ale, some peanuts and tylenol all lined up on the tray.
It was great hearing you speak.
104. Grace D said:
I came close to crying when I saw all those moms with their babies in frontpacks, waiting to meet you at Halcyon. There was so much affection for you, and you gave it right back to everyone. In a word - rad.
Now that all of this is over, I can tell you that I was packing some heat in case some stalker dared to fuck with you. You're welcome.