How long can he hold in the smoke?
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Red said:
Cute =)
2. ginger said:
HOTT JON!
3. Marcia said:
nice
4. ginger said:
No wait...
5. Mrs.Stray said:
Smokers! Blech
Top 100 weeeeeeee :0P
6. sclark said:
Talk about focus
7. Badger said:
Are you sure it's smoke? Or is constipation contagious?
8. shellibells said:
Hot stuff!! Breathe, Jon, Breathe!!!
9. ginger said:
IS that Him? I can't tell... the beard... confusing...
10. Sarah said:
Damn, Heather. Your husband is really hot. This picture shows it very, very well, even if he does look like he just took a hit off his bong.
11. Ali said:
I wish my boyfriend could grow a beard.
12. Red said:
Now that i am thinking he kind of looks like Jonathan Frakes....yea baby
13. closet metrosexual said:
Ok, this is way too metrosexual for even me, but, damn does that man need an eyebrow waxing!
(Sorry Jon.)
14. dooce said:
note: jon does not actually smoke. leta is not exposed to cigarette or cigar or illegal smoke of any kind. JUST SO YOU KNOW.
15. Kieran said:
Is Urah jsut full of men with beards?
16. Liz said:
He looks like he wants to vomit - poor darlin'
17. Jenie said:
He looks so serious....and so hot!
18. Mrs.Stray said:
So is he just pissed and its about to start steaming out of his ears?
19. Fish said:
Sounds like a swift kick to the titanium codpiece will take care of the smoke retention problem.
Red: "Numbah One, Engage!"
20. Fish said:
Dooce: illegal smoke? My innocent Midwestern sensibility just doesn't understand ...?
21. Mary said:
Liz, I was just thinking the same thing. Get that man a barf bag before it ends up all over the place!
22. hayley said:
look, it's david jason lee duchovney!
23. Ali said:
I decided that after looking at this picture more closely that Jon is the perpetual snow guy. He looks like he belongs in a ski hat and winter coat.
Also, Heather - on behalf of every moron who emails you and gives you advice, I'd like to apologize for the fact that you have to pretty much have a disclaimer for everything.
24. Heather said:
Mmmmm...cigarettes....
25. Chessy said:
Thank you for sharing. Jon is quite handsome. I think the two of you make a lovely couple.
My husband has a beard, but it is sort of the pathetic 'geek' version of beard. And he gets random Wolverine hair all the way up on his cheekbones. It is funny. I like it, though. I like everything about my husband.
26. Katie said:
WHY DOOCE WHY do you torture me in this way???? (That's right, that was 4 question marks.)
I love my boyfriend, oh so much, and yet every few days you put this lustrous image of temptation before my eyes... ;) Good thing I live in New York, otherwise I might be all up in yo man's grill! Yow!
27. red said:
he is so cute. i want one.
28. stella said:
Heather, can you do a year in review? Like Best Hate Mail, Worst...etc?
29. christy said:
I second that Heather - and I haven't had a cigarette in 6 years. And I want one so bad! SO BAD! STILL!
30. Sevtek said:
I'm graduating college today! And I owe some of that to Dooce.
Thank you Dooce for having pictures to look at and archives to read to keep me from being productive when I didn't want to and keeping me sane when I needed it.
31. c said:
Lately I have been applying a little thumb massage to the vertical crease in between my own husband's eyebrows and reminding him: "You don't have to do that when you are thinking. You can still think perfectly well without dividing your forehead in half."
32. Carol said:
Jon: "is he really gonna finish that whole LumberJack Breakfast Special?"
"This Egg Nog Latte sucks!"
33. Deenzadrine said:
In ref to the whole t-shirt idea - why not use the graphics from the various mastheads you've designed? I'd buy me one of those, LOL.
T-shirt sales = Leta's college fund!
34. August95 said:
hrrrr, yum and yowsser. Oh, Sorry, nice picture Heather.
35. Julia said:
Never mind about the extraneous beard and eyebrow hairs. Dooce, when he gets to that certain age, you are going to have SUCH fun pulling out the ear hairs with tweezers. Don't let him get one of those little shavers - it's much more fun to pull them out, plus they take longer to show up again.
36. liz said:
is this taken at the same "Egg Nog Latte" coffeeshop in which George was sleeping yesterday?
If so, then it sorta looks like Obi Jon Kenobe is using his Jedi Mind Power on George: "This is not the Egg Nog Latte you were looking for..."
37. RandyRambunctious said:
Yay! First!
*a tad delusional i know...so sue me.*
38. Angie said:
Crikey - it looks like the smoke's going to start coming out of his ears!
39. honestyrain said:
smoke! that changes everything!
40. Jenn said:
My husband has a beard too. When we're having sex I pretend that I'm making love to a plaid flannel-wearing bear hunter who resembles Jon Stewart on steroids.
Well, only part of the time. Ok, 3/4 of the time! Shut up.
41. Melanie S said:
Fish: I seriously doubt that you you're THAT pure!
Dooce: Jon is such a good lookin man. I wish my hubby could pull off the full beard.
42. Regan said:
You're right! He does kind of look like that!
Relaaaaaaax Jon!
43. Cate said:
*“This is not the Egg Nog Latte you were looking for…â€*
liz, you cracked me up! My first real laugh of the day - Thank you. There's a reason dooce is my first internet stop every morning.
44. TracyDee said:
It looks like he's counting to ten before he explodes... what did you do THIS time? :)
45. Amanda B. said:
He looks like he's doing the "Picture time. I want to look cool and introspective, but not obviously so. K, don't look at the camera- and don't pose. Think deep thoughts and maybe throw in a sexy eyebrow lift? -no, that's too much. Wait maybe if I..." CLICK. "damn."
He's a dreamboat too. And by the way, I DO smoke real but legal ciggerettes so bring on the noise!
*again with defensive karate pose*
Fish- Who does number two work for?!
46. Dr. Johnny Fever said:
Sharpies smell like ass.
47. AgMommy said:
I'm sure the dog will suffer only temporary brain damage. I think that we've all smelled a sharpie or two in our day.
48. Carol said:
Amanda B. - I smoke, too. I'm quitting Jan.1 for the kajillionth time.
Yes, that is a real measurement.
49. Sarah said:
If smelling Sharpies is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.
By the way, I just saw an ad for CLICKABLE Sharpie's! How did they not come out with those before?
50. Brooks said:
He's not wearing a black sweater vest is he?
51. Em said:
Damn he's yummy looking!
52. Kano said:
Hmmmm....If I stare at her long enough maybe she will get her but over to my table with that Egg nog Latte I ordered 15 minutes ago.
53. Pierce said:
Derek Zoolander
54. Girl.A said:
Fun with Sharpies. Mean fun. Poisonous fun. Puke your guts out fun because you got so drunk to be in that situation anyway, but still. Ok, not that much fun. Glad I am not fun like that.
http://www.duiracing.com/pictures/page27/page27.htm
55. Cora's mommy said:
Oh, he's definitely holding it in for maximum buzzness!
56. U.B. said:
You almost expect to hear that nasally sinus snort-cough from holding in a hit that's too big.
I, uh, saw that in a movie once...somewhere...
never mind
57. Girl From Ipanema said:
America's Next Top Male Model? Anyone?....Anyone?
58. Carol said:
Jon: "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking? "
59. Carol said:
Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
60. Ired said:
This question is so going to prevent me from even making it to the preliminaries in the Armstrong trivia off, but is Jon a smoker? Someone help me out here-- I understand that Heather could be referencing his standard sexy look, but I am curious nonetheless.
61. Sarah said:
Oh god, Dooce...just read 'jilted'...revenge on the dog. CLASSIC.
I *heart* you. And stuff.
62. carol said:
no, jon is not a smoker. unless he's at the horsey bar.
63. Sarah said:
Ired---Heather pre-empted that question in the comments early on. He does not smoke. Cigarettes or any other, er, substance.
He's an upstanding guy, that Jon.
64. kristine said:
a 'first free' morning.
I agree with the top ten thing. I have two people who comment on my blog so my top ten would really suck. lol.
Sharpies and Starbucks will take over the world some day.
Fish you are SO funny.
and I swear I am dating Derek Zoolander look alike. I will see if I can find the picture of him doing his 'blue steel'....even though i'm not really 'sposta talk it yet.
Oh, AND IT'S FRIDAY.
65. The Mighty Jimbo said:
GEORGE!
what?
66. Sue From Ohio said:
*Hayley--you hit the nail on the head for me--Jason Lee...YES, that's who he looks like to me :)
What A Cutie Jon!
67. Ired said:
Wow, quick response, the Dooce disciples do not fuck around. Thank you.
68. Sheryl said:
Jon looks like he is pausing justr before The Caveat.
"... ... But"
I know what you mean about the doglove envy. It hurts. My youngest niece is in love with my BF. My older niece has always been crazycrazy about me and didn't give good BF the time of day. In fact, she used to look at him skeptically. Even after 5 years. But the little one, she just loves him and lights up when she sees him and grins ear to ear and runs right past my broken heart on the floor. sigh.
I guess everyone has to have someone who loves them. Maybe Emily doesn't have any other doglove?
69. Zach said:
Dooce, you had a photo throw down at the Blue Plate. Ain't nobody gettin' out alive without they picture taken.
70. Kate said:
The cheeks cannot hold de smoke...
All he needs are a kick-ass pair of Raybans.
71. Stephanie said:
Nice one.
This is your brain..this is your brain on drugs.
72. Ariel said:
Jon wears the creases of fatherhood very well.
73. Win said:
I do not believe he's smoking.
I believe he's thinking, "Hmmm. I know everyone always threatens to call child welfare after reading Dooce, but I believe I might have to call animal welfare after reading the last few posts."
74. AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch said:
Ha ha! You were right! He does look like he is hlding in cigar smoke. Weird huh?
About your grudge against Chuck. You know, I do the same thing with our dog. She will piss me off by wapping me in the face with her damn wapping tail. So, I won't talk to her for a day. That'll learn her.
Absolutely normal stuff.
75. Fish said:
I saw zoolander at three in the morning while driving overnight to Denver with my brother and his nine-year-old son. You truly haven't experienced how funny that movie is until you see it with a nine-year-old, who then repeats for two days:
"*cough, cough,* I think its the black lung, pop."
"you, too, could die in a freak gasoline fight accident."
76. Fish said:
Kate: actually, you put a big pair of reflective glasses on that mug, and he'll look just like Macho Man Randy Savage.
OOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEAH!
77. victoria said:
Naw, you didn't really do that to Chuckles did you?
78. Sherri said:
You know, I've never, ever been a fan of facial hair. But it seems to work on Jon without the h.
79. Carol said:
Fish - Zoolander is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen!! I can't wait to get home tonight, wrap presents and watch with the hubby. I laugh my ass off everytime. Particularly the Will Ferrell parts.
Mugatu: Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
80. Sheryl said:
Fish, why do you keep linking to the pretty blonde Halloween lady?
Here's one with no arms.
81. Hillary said:
While Jon is cute, I just noticed something about him. We have the same ears! No one I know (even in my family) has the same notch on the side while the ridge flattens out on the top.
I would send photo evidence, but I am always trying to hide them. Too many "Spock" jokes as a kid.
He's my Ear twin
82. Colleen from NJ said:
Jon:
iPhone...could it work....?
83. mrs. george #2 said:
ahem ahem... it's the black lung, pop.
84. Girl.A said:
What is this? A center for ANTS?
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
85. the weave said:
all of you that race to be first on dooce.com are just a bunch of "doocebags". Did I coin a new phrase?
86. Fish said:
Weave: No. Kano has a few weeks on you.
Sorry about linking to the blonde outlet. I forgot to change it back since last night.
87. References to doocebag or doocebags on this site said:
http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily_photo/12_08_2004.html
http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily_photo/12_16_2004.html
Both by Kano
88. Amanda B. said:
People who call other people "doocebags" own Eddie Money albums.
89. Sheryl said:
Hey, I don't own any Eddie Money albums!
90. Amanda B. said:
except for Sheryl ;)
91. Kari said:
Scrumptious!
92. Carol said:
Hillary - OMG!!! I have ears like that, too. In fact, it's the first thing I noticed about Jon, also They aren't pointy, but flat and notched.
My dad used to say he held me by my ears and dipped me in sweet sauce when I was little. And he pinched too tight. Weird, I know.
BTW, I don't have any Eddie Money albums either.
93. kristine said:
Sheryl - You said Eddie Money, I thought Eddie Rabbit and now I have that stupid, "I love a rainy night, I love a rainy night..." STUCK IN MY HEAD.
94. red said:
thanks, kristine. now I have that song stuck in my head, too.
95. Girl.A said:
I like my doocebags anywayz. I like em fresh and full o dooce.
96. Carol said:
Yeah, thanks kristine...shit!
BTW, just have to share how I ordered my lunch today...
Ugly Naked Guy....soft...black
yep. www.moes.com
97. the niffer said:
Heather - in case your therapist doesn't remind you this afternoon: Chuck is not in love with Emily; he's in love with act of going to the park. Just like he's in love with your ability to retrieve rawhide bones. He's a user, man. But I love him anyway.
Why are we good girls always attracted to bad boys?
98. Paula said:
Mmm the scent of sharpies. Mmm Jon. Mmm I love Fridays.
99. Amanda B. said:
I can live with Eddie Rabbit. Anything's better than Two Tickets Two Paradise.
100. kristine said:
THANK YOU AMANDA, the stupid rainy song is out and paradice is in!!
101. kristine said:
Paradice hee hee, I guess I'm ready for the casino tonight. Pair of Dice. I will learn how to spell someday.
102. mrs. george #2 said:
Hey Girl.A, what's a frogurt? Are those people your grandparents?
"They were like brothers to me. Not like real brothers, but brothers in the way black people say it."
103. Fish said:
The Inspector Gadget theme song gets DL every time.
104. kristine said:
That stupid Ashley Simpson song, "Pieces of me" is the stupid song that I WAKE UP with in my head.
(I have two 11 year old girls that like to play it while getting ready for school)
105. Carol said:
frogurt = frozen yogurt?
"OBEY MY DOG"
106. Girl.A said:
That was a picture of me and my dog.
Simpson's Tree House of Horror
*The frogurt is also cursed.*
107. Girl.A said:
I will obey your dog, Mugatu, if you will in turn obey my doocebag.
Domo Arigatu [sic], Mister Mugatu
108. mrs. george #2 said:
How freaking lazy do you have to be to find that the two words FROZEN + YOGURT are too much for your weary tounge to spew? Must we shorten EVERYTHING? Yes, and I am also an acronym hater. RFLMAO, SAHM, R2D2, BOC... I just don't understand any of it.
109. mrs. george #2 said:
You think you're too cool for school, but I got a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite. You aren't.
110. Judy said:
My friend Noelle has that ear thing too, but only one side. Doctors saw it in an ultrasound and told her mother she had a serious deformity and that she should abort. Turns out all that was "wrong" with Noelle's ear was a flat diveted spot. Her parents used to tell her that she was so yummy that God took a bite.
111. Carol said:
"Don't you know I'm *LOCO* 'ese?
BTW, what is 'ese?
112. Amanda B. said:
But the all time killer is Tom's Diner ala Suzanne Vega.
I am sitting
In the morning
At the diner
On the corner
I am waiting
At the counter
For the man
To pour the coffee...
Muwa...muwaaahahahaha
113. Kano said:
Sheeze .....some weave chump is trying to steal my ideas already...LOL....Thanks for pointing that one out Fish!
Guess maybe I am in a good mood today cuz its Friday. TGIF
114. Judy said:
Amanda B.: it's not the lyrics that do it, it's the Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, Doo doo doo doo doo da doo doo.
And thanks, by the way, for embedding that in my brain this morning. I avoid that song like the plague...
115. Amanda B. said:
I am saucy this morning. Please forgive my temporary evilness.
muwahahaha...
116. ese said:
Homeboy Homie Holmes Vato
(if you are hispanic) Otherwise is an insult.
Insane in the membrane
117. closet metrosexual said:
The worst earworm (my favorite term for a song stuck in your head) is the "I Dream of Jeannie" theme song. It gets stuck in an infinite loop in my head for days. Oh, shit; Girl.A is going to google images of earworms, and then I won't be able to eat lunch. Sorry folks.
118. Sarah said:
Kano, I did notice your jovial mood today.
I found myself re-reading your comment looking for hidden sarcasm. ;)
I love Friday. I hate my job.
...do-do-dodo-do do doo-do, I am looking in the windo...do-do..thanks, Amanda B.
119. Fish said:
Tom's Diner? not so bad.
LUKA? Don't get me started.
120. Sheryl said:
Amanda Hooker and her small Quarter Horse "Saucy", are a hard team to beat...
Do do doo dit,
do do dood it, doot doot doot doot do dit
I am sitting on the sofa, there's a TV in the corner
I am watching Major Nelson, he is played by Larry Hagman (Jeannie!)
And he found a little bottle, and out popped Barbara Eden
But she couldn't show her belly button, all she did was blink
(Dr. Bellows: Uh, Good Evening Major Nelson)
Tony Nelson works at NASA with suspicious Dr. Bellows
And there's also Roger Healy, who would become Howard Borden (Jeannie!)
And Jeannie always means well, but they get in wacky trouble
She folds her arms and blinks her eyes, it's kind of like Bewitched
121. Fish said:
I live upstairs from you, guess you may have seen me ...
shit.
122. Girl.A said:
I find this muchas scarier than ear worms.
123. Fish said:
Girl A: I can tell you from recent experience that that is NOT where babies come from.
124. Fish said:
Not even zomie hawaiian babies.
125. Beth Ringsmuth said:
So intense! No wonder you're using Boohbah for 17 minutes in heaven. Or something.
126. Amanda B. said:
Sheryl- Amanda Hooker. I love that. Is that like T.J. Hooker- cause i love me some William Shatner.
Fish- get any sleep?
127. Sarah said:
Fish, I may have to hunt you down for putting the Luka song in my head.
I didn't mind the Tom's Diner.
And Girl A., what would we do without you? That is FAR scarier than any earworm ever could be.
128. Mari said:
handsome smoke holder. are you sure it's not bong smoke? hmm.
129. Sheryl said:
I love my AmandaB. BTW have you seen "Amanda's Guardians"?
*Dude your posse is HUGE.*
TJ Hooker? umm, I can give you some Tambourine Man joy.
130. claudia said:
oh, thats weird. i didnt know what you were talking about before, but that totally looks like what he is doing.
131. Fish said:
Amanda B.: sleep? I don need no steenking sleep! Sleep is for people who need to stay awake at the jobs during the day.
132. Emily said:
Fish. re: "the jobs"
Can I get one of those thingies?
133. Fish said:
Sheryl: WHERE THE SHIT DID YOU FIND THAT?
Amanda B: Does your husband know about the William Shatner thing?
134. Emily said:
Fish. I mean, cuz you make "the jobs" sound like "the docks", "the factories", the "coffee shops" (where I am now - thank god Starbucks has wireless), "the jobs" just sounds so generic and monolithic. I want to sign-up. Is it like the cheese-line?
135. Amanda B. said:
Fish- oh yes, he knows. He's got this whole Richard Dean Anderson obsession so it's ok.
http://www.vic-fontaine.com/vic_photo/4396_0014.jpg
136. ginger said:
worst "earworm"
Walkin ON Walkin ON
broKEN GlaAAASSSSSSS!
137. Sheryl said:
*Back that Shat up for my ese AmandaB*
BOOM-chicka-bow-wow,
chicka-neer-neer, BOOM-chicka-bow-wow.... ... BOOM-chicka-bow-wow....
hmmm do you think this is anything like his climax face?
http://blib.catharsis.org/bs04.jpg
138. Fish said:
Amanda B: Well gee, I mean, MacGyver, like, come on. Duh.
Emily: it figures that the most monolithic thing I say today would be a typo: "the jobs" should be "THEIR jobs". If you feel jilted, read Slauhgterhouse Five.
139. Fish said:
Again with the typos.
Sheryl: PLEASE remind me to clear my cache before I leave work today.
140. Carol said:
Shatners Climax Face..LMAO!
141. Amanda B. said:
Sheryl- only in my dreams...sigh
Fish- yep that's what hubby says. I actually caught him watching MacGyver at 7am one morning before work. It was a long awkward moment...
142. coffeegirl said:
Wow, he's almost as hot as my husband. You guys would make beautiful babies.
Oh wait ...you already did. My bad.
143. Brad said:
Love the site! But I do have one question... How in the heck does everyone get here and comment within minutes of your post? I realize that this probably makes me look like an idiot, and I suspect it has something to do with RSS, but could someone please explain? Thanks.
144. closet metrosexual said:
Amanda B - Shat's "O face" shirt should have killed your crush.
Fish - I finished Slaughterhouse Five three days ago.
Sheryl - you make me giggle.
Girl.A - I still love you.
Ok, back to painting the damn kitchen.
145. Melanie S said:
DOoce,
Wil chuck be dressed as Santa Chuck for the holidays? Just curious if you dress him up for anything other than Halloween. It's another form of torture...why not?
146. Amanda B. said:
"I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven."
147. Sheryl said:
If we get caught, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.
148. Carol said:
Ha!! I'm just about to watch that movie for the very first time...
149. Sarah said:
"Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?"
Carol...you will LOVE this movie.
150. Fish said:
excuse me, could I have my stapler, please?
151. Sarah said:
"...I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be."
Oh yes.
152. Fish said:
I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
153. Caroline said:
Amanda B., you're my favorite commenter (is that a word?) almost every post. You should make a blog.
154. U.B. said:
Needta chat about those TPC reports...
155. Michelle Brady said:
I've never commented before, because I just couldn't come up with anything witty to say and I knew I'd feel like a jackass for not measuring up.
However, the time has come. I have to say it. My name is Michelle, and I'm a Dooceaholic. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes from laughing, both at Dooce's entry and all the comments.
I knew every single song that was mentioned, and as I read each comment where lyrics were referenced, I heard it in my head; it was like being in the car with someone who won't quit screwing with the radio.
Thanks, Dooce, everybody, for providing such levity on this cold, dreary House Cleaning Day.
156. Everyone said:
*Hi, Michelle!*
157. rutabaga said:
Alright, people, you've got me with the Office Space quotes. I love that movie.
What I was *going* to say, though, is this - there are times when I read through these comments for the sheer eye-rolling, 'hello, sycophantery' pleasure of it... it's sort of like a sick hobby. I generally try to keep my thoughts to myself. However, one comment is sticking in my head and I cannot seem to get it out, much like the various and sundry hideous songs you've all mentioned... someone said, "Good thing I live in New
York, otherwise I might be all up in yo man’s grill!".... I find myself with no words. Well, these: what in God's name does that mean exactly (rhetorical question, I do actually know what this person is getting at)... and WHY is this person inflicting such half-witted verbiage upon the internet?! "up in yo man's grill"? Ugh. UGH!
Sigh. That is all. I'm going now.
158. Fran said:
Jon looks like a man who sees the future..and is greatly troubled.
159. Girl.A said:
[Patting rutabaga's back, whispers]
s'okay rutabaga, they're only jokin. Ya got it out. Jus sit down and relax, I'll get the lysol and a mop and Sheryl will getcha some mouthwash and a warm facecloth.
160. Scott said:
I think the expression says "Stay away from me. I am an introspective poet contemplating human existence and at this moment I am puking in my mouth a little bit. It must have been the eggnog latte."
161. Jon's Grill said:
You best slow your role rutabaga, or Ima have to bust you in your craw.
162. kristine said:
I do believe 'up in his grill' is 'in his face, all over him like a white on rice, dry humping him like a pig on a candy cane'
the verbage might be from yesterday's 'snoop' page.
We are a weird bunch.
163. rutabaga said:
Indeed.
164. Fish said:
Huh. I had no idea pigs liked candy canes. Go figure.
165. Tracy said:
"My only real motivation is not to be hassled - that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."
166. kyle said:
Google is now showing ads for nose hair trimmers since you guys mentioned waxing. Nice job.
167. Carol said:
I'm really irritating my non-dooce ("doocie" as he calls it) coworker (we don't even have cubicles, just open space, back to back) because I keep laughing and snickering and generally annoying the hell out of him.
GirlA - you are funny.
I love this place....
168. Girl.A said:
Ok, y'all who took the sign down -
The needlepoint in my bathroom:
"Ifn ya got a weak stomach or low threshold for shite, best not jump on this here thang"
169. Sarah said:
Fish...pigs love to hump dem candy canes...click on me
170. Lori said:
tpS reports, U.B.
ESSSSSSS!
171. lexi said:
the facial hair makes him look really old. and hassidic.
172. U.B. said:
Sorry Lory.
;)
173. Sarah said:
Re: Office Space
I briefly perused the online dating scene a little while back, and got an email from a man who wanted to "light my cigarette". He said he was married, but needed something more. (Thanks for the honesty, pal).
Then he sent a picture.
I opened it, out of curiosity.
*It was the spitting image of Milton*
174. Zach said:
No one woman could ever fully satisfy Milton.
175. Erin said:
Sexxxayyyyy!!
176. Gordon said:
Chuck is so abused...if he only had the "Bow-Lingual," he could tell his mom what he really thinks.
177. Kristine said:
I have my window minimized because i'm at work, and I hit refresh and the only thing I could see was Jon's eyes...and he sort of looked like Russell Crowe.
I met a guy online and he sent me a picture...of PEE WEE HERMAN.
and yes, I am still dating him.
check my blog, he doesn't look like pee wee. But does a mean, "I'M ON THE PHONE!" impression.
And now starts the Pee Wee's Big Adventure quotes.
178. Jazzy said:
Breathe Jon, breathe!
179. ella's ma said:
Jon: "Duuuuude, like, that is one wicked awesome bong rip! I mean, woooooah, I am totally seeing candy-humping piggies and silver trees! Dude, awesome!
I need pizza."
180. Kieran said:
OK I changed my mind....I look at Jon for a good half hour and it hit me.
He looks like Black Beard the Ass Pirate from an old porno me and my friends used to watch in College. OK now lets get one thing straight, Black Beard the ASS Pirate (or BBAP for shot) was not a Homosexual kinda guy...even though his name sure sounds gay. BBAP was a captain of a ship called the Booty Hunter and they saild the 7 sevens in search of Female Booty. Yeah this was definintly an OScar winning moive but let me tell you BBAP was the MAN! HE even had a parrot named pooper. HAHAHAH Pooper that still cracks me up!
181. Kristine said:
I personally favor the "Orgasmo" movie, ABOUT porn stars.
Now that is funny.
182. Chloe said:
Kieran, do you realize you just compared Jon to an ass pirate? Dooce is going to be all up in yo grill now.
Wait a minute:
A porno film you watched in college? JON went to college!
A parrot named pooper? There's a lot of poop discussion on this site, and so clearly in JON's life!
Clearly the only possible conclusion is that Jon *is* the Ass Pirate. I mean, obviously.
(Is dooce going to be all up in my grill, now?)
183. Chloe said:
(I think I just used that "grill" saying wrong. Twice. I'm sorry-- I'm not up with all that "slang" you young'uns are using nowadays.)
184. Kieran said:
Listen....Black Beard the Ass Pirate was a very and i mean VERY well-endowed man. Sure he might have the HIV right now but back in the day he was like a GOD.
185. Kristine said:
Girl A - Finder of all things unnatural
Can you locate me a copy of this said video of a ass pirate?
186. Jill said:
Cutie Patootie!
187. Yo Grill... said:
Ok, I don't mean to sound all snobby and correct people, but, um, you guys are WAY misusing the term. In L.A., "up in your grill" is the same thing as "all over your jock," which is NOT something you would probably want to be saying casually to a guy.
Unless, you know, you really DO want to be all over his jock.
Even by teenagers' standards it's a pretty crude term, which is fine, but just so's you know, in case you're planning on dropping it into conversation at your next office meeting.
188. Girl.A said:
At first pass, there is no such movie as "Blackbeard the Ass Pirate" or any variant. However, to find out for sure I cannot search from my place of employment.
Instead, I have included a wonderful little origami of Chuck dropping a deuce.
189. Fish said:
Even if I were gay, I don't think I'd want to be all over someone's jock. I mean, ewwww.
re: Pee Wee quotes: "There was this snake wearing a vest, and he was rolling this big donut ..."
190. Amanda B. said:
Damn. All this time I thought I came up with the term "Ass-Pirate."
Michelle- i can't speak for all of us, but i'm a big goob. I wouldn't worry about being "witty" (or whitey), just be yourself.
191. robin said:
Jill, I say Cutie Patootie all the time to my son! :-)
192. Sheryl said:
Yes, we are goobers. Don't lend us your shoes. Ever.
193. Girl.A said:
From out of space - a warning and an ultimatum.
*Goober Patrol*
194. Kristine said:
putz, goober, geek.
I have been called them all.
195. Aleigh said:
My favorite Pee Wee quote:
"I say we let him go!"
Commence "tequila" song now.
Na na na-na na na na na...
Na na na-na na na, na.
TEQUILA!
196. U.B. said:
A very well-endowed ass pirate? I think I speak for both genders when I say, 'no thanks'.
197. Kristine said:
There's no basement in the Alamo!
198. Fish said:
Paging Mr. Herman.
199. Kristine said:
hee hee Fish, I almost kinda knew you were going to say that.
Mickey: I'm bad, Pee-wee. You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner. A rebel.
Pee-wee: Deja Vu.
Now I am going to have to watch that tonight while wrapping my presents!!
200. Fish said:
Ass-monkey
Ass-jockey
Ass-master
Ass-__________
201. Gia on Guam said:
I think there is a distinct difference between "Ass Pirate" and "Butt Pirate". The latter being the homosexual reference and the former, a well endowed man that sails the '7 sevens'(LOL) searching for righteous booty.
202. eco2geek said:
My wife rented the two "Blade" movies in order to see if she really, really wanted to see the latest one in the theater. Conclusion: No.
Rated "D" for dumb. (Although Wesley Snipes has a nice bod, if you're into that.)
Quote: "Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill." (At which point, head bad vampire explodes in a pile of goo.)
203. victoria said:
OK, I am so lame that I do not knwo what "up in yo grill," means, even after someone explained it's the same as "all over your jock," because I don't know what "all over your jock" means, either.
"All over your jock strap" as in "I want to remove your jock strap"? "I'd like to add your jock strap to my collection"? What?
The "explanation" was just as cryptic as the original statement.
Just come out & explain:
Anatomically, what part of the body is the "grill" supposed to correspond to?
Maybe I need a "Bow-Lingual" to decipher the comments. Except I don't know what a bow-lingual is either.
204. U.B. said:
Oooh, that takes me back to one of the worst lines in recent movie memory; Samuel L. Jackson as Shaft to the damsel -- "Ah consider it mah duty, to satisfy yo' booty."
I bet he huddled in a hot shower, sobbing, after shooting that scene.
205. Tracy said:
Ass-monkey, that funky monkey!
Ass-junkie...
206. U.B. said:
Vic:
Grill = teeth (face)
as in, 'get outta my face'
207. Girl.A said:
Ass-Breath. Ass-Cheese. Ass-Clown. Ass-Hat. Ass-Munch. Ass-Grammar. Ass-Soup. Ass-Fog. Ass-Prey. Ass-Rain. River of Ass.
And the cherry on that sundae: Ass-Brow
208. Kristine said:
UB- for as long as I have known, grill was face or 'teeth'.
My brother use to say, "She's pretty, but she has a jacked up grill."
That was like...25 years ago!!
I agree. Grill is face or teeth.
209. U.B. said:
ass haiku:
Variants of ass
How pungent, yet repulsive
Torment me! No more...
210. Amanda B. said:
I dunno man, pretty much anything Shaft says is ok by me. He's that cool.
Did you see the Xfiles where David Duchovney got all high and started singing the Shaft themsong? That was wonderful.
211. Amanda B. said:
Damn U.B.- that was amazing.
212. Colleen fron NJ said:
Do you have something to share with us, Amazing Larry?
213. eco2geek said:
Thank God there's "UrbanDictionary.com":http://www.urbandictionary.com/ so us squares can keep up with you hipsters.
Dang, Gia on Guam, I'm not seeing your pictures, just an Angelfire logo. :(
214. Girl.A said:
David Duchovny why won't you wear a jock instead of a teacup?
215. Pee Wee said:
I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em!
Is this something you can share with the rest of us, AMAZING LARRY?
216. Colleen fron NJ said:
Ass Pants.
Is anyone as old as I to remember David Lee Roth's ?
217. U.B. said:
Colleen -- I'm old enough to remember that fashion catastrophe.
But doing so makes me want to loofah my frontal lobe to erase the horror.
....the horror....
218. Colleen fron NJ said:
U.B.,
The 80's was one big fashion catastrophe, at least for me. I have pics that make me think I has no frontal lobe back then... just hair alone was scary.
219. Kristen said:
Funny - Jon reminds me a lot of my ex. Maybe it's the beard thing. I included a link to a pic...
220. U.B. said:
My wife still has a picture of me with a Peter Frampton perm and isn't afraid to use it.
At least I didn't have that doo at the same I succumbed to buying a pair of heinous Zubaz clown pants.
221. eco2geek said:
Ah yes, David Lee Roth's "ass pants":http://www.rotharmy.com/cgi-bin/imagegallery/imageFolio.cgi?action=view&link=Classic_Van_Halen_Pictures&image=PN010567.jpg&img=90&tt= (rear view :-).
He's apparently becoming a paramedic in NYC now. Wild.
222. Gia on Guam said:
Sorry I guess I need to find another means for hosting.
Anyone got a good hot crab dip receipie?
223. katekite said:
he is such a MAN.
224. Kieran said:
For those lucking for the famous Black Beard the Ass Pirate movies let me fill you in our certain titles..
Pirate's Booty
The Little Horny Mermaid
All hands On Dick
Mutiny on the Booty
and
Plunder and Pilage my Ass
225. Sheryl said:
Dooce, I hear you on that. My grades are all over the map.
Speaking for myself, as someone who likes to plan and control things and always expect good results, this whole "it gets worse before it gets better" reality thing sucks.
226. Big Gay Sam said:
I got an F- in Sanity.
Think about it... Mormon AND gay? how much more crazy can you get than that? huh?
227. Gooooder said:
He can join the National Beard Association! Or maybe go to some beard contests they have in Germany.
But then he'd have to grow like a spindly moustache and sculpt it with beard gel.
228. PKD said:
A Christmas Carol ear worm for all of you
The 12 STD of Xmas
229. Carol said:
Gia- I've got a great Buffalo Chicken Dip recipe. Will that work? Otherwise, I have a really good sauteed onion dip recipe. Let me know if you want them....
230. Carol said:
Dooce - I think (and I don't really know or see you everyday, but) I think you are one sane and smart chick. Really. You're doing great. Anyway, who really gets an A+ in life? NO ONE I KNOW!
231. honestyrain said:
sanity is all in your mind.
232. Carol said:
BTW, Big Gay Sam (love your name)-
I think you are the SANEST person ever! To realize who you are and come out amidst all those rules... well, let's just say you are one individual WHO KNOWS YO'SELF!! Hooray for you!!
I know, I'm a bit of a cheerleader, but why the F not?
233. Lisa said:
Dooce, if anyone ever makes an A+ in life I want to meet 'em. I don't think anyone can make an A+. What kind of boring world would this be if we did??
234. Susie said:
Gia, here's my hot crab dip:
1 8oz. pkg cream cheese, softened
1/2 c sour cream
2 T mayo
1 1/2 T lemon juice
2 t Worcestershire
garlic powder to taste
1/2 c shredded cheddar cheese
1 lb crabmeat (lump is best)
3 dashes hot sauce
1 1/2 T Old Bay seasoning
1. Preheast oven to 325. Lightly grease 1 qt. baking dish.
2. In medium bowl, mix first 6 ingredients plus 2 T of the cheddar cheese. Fold in crabmeat, hot sauce, Old Bay.
3. Transfer mixture to baking dish. Top with remaining cheddar and sprinkle with Old Bay. Bake 30 minutes or until bubbly and lightly browned.
Opinion: Anyone with an A or even a consistent B+ in sanity would be SUCH an insufferable bore.
235. Sheryl said:
Hi Carol. Finally it is Friday. I can't believe I can still maintain consciousness.
236. Kano said:
Ok name the movie this kind of talk came from. Ima gonna get you ...you fargin iceholes and when I do Ima gonna cut your fargin bells off
237. Johnny Dangerously said:
Why?
And why do you always sound so stiff and stuffy?
238. Kelley said:
I found myself depressed today... and after thinking what could possibly be wrong with me, I realized my TV hadn't been on in close to 48 hours and *gasp* I haven't had the chance to visit Dooce in like THREE DAYS, THE HORROR.
Needless to say I feel MUCH better now.
239. Carol said:
I got that one... Johnny Dangerously. Too late.
Hey Sheryl... tired? Long week?
We are putting together tricycles and race cars and blah blah and putting out cookies and spreading reindeer food on the lawn.
You see, Santa comes tonight because we are travelling for Christmas. AND I'm making a Pumpkin Pie and egg something casserole for in the morning. But I am happy and sane, because I'm drinking my wine. And Hubby is helping!! : )
Count down til Jan 1!!
p.s. Snoop is on TV right now.
240. Sheryl said:
Yes long week. Year end stuff and a big change in our business which a. might be boring to discuss here and b. might get me fired if i talked about.
Cool you are having Christmas early. The boys are not old enough to question the early arrival of Santa :)
241. cindy said:
don't touch that man's eyebrows with wax - they're beautiful.
guys who wax like that look like idiots.
242. Michelle Brady said:
I just noticed that Leta got the shape of her mouth from Jon!
It's a nice mouth.
243. eeyorena said:
C- is good. C- is better than a higher grade, anyway. I used to be A+ and it took too much energy away from just reveling in being an average mental health achiever.
Also, it has given me permission to just have a little fun with it. Like, this morning for instance. A couple of friends called about a late breakfast at a restaurant and my husband and I decided to go in our pajamas. (We slept late.) I enjoyed every minute of it.
244. Carol said:
Oh, it's late and I'm about to give more UNSOLICITED ADVICE..well, not advice, but a fun tradition with kids. Forgive me if you already know this... but fun things to do on Christmas Eve...
Make a mixture of grape nuts (or whatever), glitter and candy sprinkles. Before Bedtime, go out to the front yard with your kids and sprinkle said mixture to feed the reindeer.
After kids are in bed, make a mess of the fireplace. Have your husband stand (with work boots on) in front and sprinkle baby powder or flour over the boots (Santa's footprints!!). Walk around a little. Move the screen and generally make a controlled mess. "Wow, Santa must have been in a hurry. He's so messy!!
It is so fun.
Merry Christmas (early), Dooceland. Love you all.
245. Dr. Johnny Fever said:
My sanity is at a D right now. A strong D, but a D nonetheless.
246. Amanda B. said:
I try to shoot for happiness and peace. Fuck sanity. It's all relative.
Anyway we love you and think you are peachy keen as is.
247. GirlA. said:
We all have our psycho hamster moments. Or days. Or weeks.
248. Kathleen said:
Dear Heather:
Please keep us posted on your sanity progress. Because if you only merit a C- in sanity, that means that I rate a F+ and that's unacceptable.
Take care and "feed the world"...a Band Aid reference since I am remarkably old and in the holiday spirit.
One last thing...Oasis Rules!
Take care of yourself and your adorable husband and gorgeous baby!
Kathleen
249. Amanda B. said:
Hmm. That sounded at bit pretentious. What I meant was I try not to be to hard on myself. Or to compare myself and my life to others.
I've been through a lot in my 31 years and I guess I've reached a point where I just want peace. Quiet, laughter, love, stillness. Those are great assets in my book.
250. MrsDoF said:
Dooce, these last few months this site has helped me to get sane again. I know I can come here for many laughs and much honesty.
A friend sent me here when I got Fired from a job I was good at, although I don't even have a 'blog that might have condemned me.
You have helped me to climb upward from a dark and lonesome place.
It's all perspective.
Gonna say Good Night now. I've been promised an omelette for breakfast if I get up before the mister goes off to our source of income.
251. Sheryl said:
love you amanda b.
I think of the b as standing for bird.
252. Carol said:
AmandaB - I think you are about the least pretentious person. Ever. Love you. What else? I don't know ... lots. Don't have the dooceability to say it... But i'm thinking it.
: ) doing a little dance your way.... xoxoxox
253. Carol said:
OH GOD
OK...SHAMELESS PROMOTION WILL FOLLOW... but not for me.. for a great friend of mine. She's the BEST!!! Really, she is.
254. Carol said:
Sheryl... rarely check the links. Love that one.
xoxoxo
255. mrs. george #2 said:
OH MY GOD GIRL.A... THE NIGHTMARES, OH THE NIGHTMARES.
256. GirlA. said:
I am sorry about the scary hamster. Sometimes I feel like that if I drink too much coffee and start getting pissed off at inaminate objects.
Mrs. George # 2 you so intrigue me.
Who are you ?
257. Carol said:
OK, Doocepeople -
http://danielfairbanks.pseconds.com/jude.htm
just sit there and cry...it's ok.
258. Sheryl said:
Carol,
I can't vouch for the sound because I didn't listen, but visually - just stunning, emotionally powerful and intricate. I did cry. I am not going to be someone's mama.
259. DeAnn said:
I didn't even know Jon smoked. Hmmm ... I guess I don't know everything about this awesome family that I've never met!!
260. anonyMouse said:
ok i may not have been first to post, but i bet i am the first from 30,000 feet. I am en route to Munich Germany on a Lufthansa flight and having as much fun with my wireless access here as i can. At least until my second battery runs out.
261. GirlA. said:
Who R U Anonymouse?
262. Heather R said:
Marlboro Man Armstrong
263. Lola said:
Aww, Leta has his eyes!
264. mrs. george #2 said:
Not as much as you intrigue me. Want to be lesbians? I'll change my name to Mrs. Girl.A. I am lasting yet fresh.
265. mrs. george #2 said:
Funny how I am willing to forsake my love for George the same way I've done Jesus for so many years. It's sad, really. I'm not typically such a fickle girl... but for Lindsay Lohan or Girl.A, I could definitely go les.
266. pauline said:
scusa, ma chi sarebbe?
267. andi said:
i'm with you. i feel like i've dropped way off the curve today too.
268. mrs. george #2 said:
don't worry about the curve. worry about being LAST!!!!!!!!!!!
269. honestyrain said:
i falied sanity. twice. and i had a tutor.
270. Eric said:
I used to get high marks in sanity. Now I am slipping. I am just lucky, I suppose, that my dogs never spurned me for other dogs.
Please let Chuck have his rawhide end. Otherwise, you might end up with chewed up shoes.