Scrumptious Bearded Armstrong
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Jenie said:
LOL--I tried so hard to be first!! Oh well...there's always tomorrow!
2. Katie said:
Woman, what are you trying to DO to me? Jon's hot anyway, but all rugged-facial-hair-goodness... damn. Like John Corbett, but different. Better. Utah-un.
3. Angie said:
Father, Christmas!
4. Desi said:
Yummy!
5. Sarah said:
Is that your tree in the background? The one with the lights hung with care?
*LOVE* the 'just got out of bed' look for his hair, dahlink!
6. kEma said:
Dooce, AND NOT only >BEARD< but also
Christmas tree ........
You keep banging our ovaries ......and hearts
bang bang
7. daveheinzel said:
Unreal - I can't believe how quickly people comment on the new updates.
But really, when the first few comments for each item are all like "Am I first?," it makes it hard to want to keep reading.
By the way, I'm totally first.
8. susan said:
I love how you love your hubby. Great shot!
9. Kevin said:
first?
10. kEma said:
No way!!!!!!!
I Adore beards ..... damn
11. Jenie said:
First!! Maybe??
12. Allyson said:
A man with a beard is just more of a man. Man.
13. Gia said:
I like the spikey hair! He's such a hottie! :)
14. Moxie said:
You just scanned Leta's picture into a Virtual Makeover program and added facial hair.
15. kim in dallas said:
mmmmm
my hubby has a beard for the winter too. sexxxxxy!
16. gardens grey said:
Great picture. Sorry about the dog puke!
17. Susie said:
That man needs some Christmas cookies:
Tequila Cookies
1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, (dried cranberries or raisins )
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour another 4 oz. in a measuring cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to
make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another 4 oz. ...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
18. christy said:
Yes! John Corbett! Thank you! Now I want one.
19. no my name ain't baby said:
wow, that's some fast-growin' facial hair. must be all that fresh air. and beer. lots of beer.
20. Cheryl said:
ahhhh.. the look of exhaustion after stringing all the lights.
21. Lauren said:
Looks like Leta with facial hair.
22. Shmee said:
He looks like he's trying to get water out of his ear :)
23. hayley said:
this photo has been posted for all of, what, 20 seconds? and there are over 20 replies.
Oh mon Dieu!
24. Gordon said:
Get a haircut you...you...you...hippie you!
25. Amanda B. said:
Jon: "I know you were just playing around, honey...but that shit really hurts..."
26. paige said:
Normally I can't stand facial hair but he does pull it off, lucky you. :)
27. Circus Kelli said:
Great picture of your handsome hubby and the lovely festive tree in the background!
Susie -- LOVE that recipe! Very funny! Where did you get that?
28. mc said:
Aaah, the winter beard. Something we New Englanders are all over this year. My husb started his as a good luck charm for the Red Sox and is now convinced he's invincible. Good thing he looks (almost) as good with it as does Jon!
29. Caroline said:
I can't see it yet, but I love Lauren's description!
30. Sheryl said:
Jon looks like he is holding a 2 x 4 behind his back.
A surprise for someone at the door?
Or maybe it just looks like that on my blackberry.
31. Kimberley H. said:
He is super cute. Like I said, those damned mormon genes. Its like a lot of them are scarily good looking. Muah Muah Muah.
32. Sherman said:
not so much into beards, but i LOVE his hair. plus i just love him for being a good guy.
33. Liz said:
Oh wow.
34. sab said:
nice beard. i think i have convinced my better half to grow one.
35. wn said:
So Dooce...I'm tryin' to figure out how your walls are painted...is the beige-type color in in the background textured?
I swear I'm not a stalker-obsessed-type-fan...just a curious girl!
36. Dr. Johnny Fever said:
Is that a bullet hole in the chair? Did you shoot at him, Dooce?
37. Candice said:
Guys with beards and unruly hair (who also happen to be wonderfully beautiful on the inside, too) are the best.
38. beachgal said:
yummy! Love the hair sticking up! And the mid sentence open mouth thing. and the tree.
39. Susie said:
Circus Kelli, wish I could give credit to someone for that recipe -- it really tickled me, too -- but I got it in a "group email" from a friend, with no author (cook?) cited . . . I've observed a certain level of appreciation for the benefits of tequila on this site, and thought it might be appreciated here.
40. Melanie S said:
Oh, I love the "Luke from the Gilmore Girls" look alikes!
Yum!
You are a very lucky woman Dooce!
41. Colleen from NJ said:
Jon:
"ooh, shit, she's pitching another votive..."
42. krissy pants said:
Susie - your recipe for Tequila cookies is too damn funny.
I've made many a dinner under the influence of the obligatory glass of wine...I swear I don't know how the bottle got empty before I set dinner on the table!
43. TracyDee said:
I think Leta has John's mouth. Great picture :)
44. Fish said:
Jon: "No, I STILL haven't recovered from last weekend, thank you very much."
45. Peg said:
C'mon did John use mousse to get his hair to stand up like that?
46. reenie said:
yummmmmmmm
47. Kano said:
From that angle he resembles Dennis Quaid a little bit.
48. christy said:
T-shirt for Jon: http://www.bustedtees.com/product.php?name=beards
49. Em said:
Nothing like scruff. Enjoy your holiday treats...
damn, that was lame.
50. Caroline said:
Oh good, I can see it now.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JONNY!
51. Anne said:
Five bucks says that by the end of the day these four comments will be made about this picture (or variations thereof):
1. JON IS SOOOOOO HOT!
2. Leta sooooo looks just like Jon.
3. Jon soooo looks just like Leta.
4. OH MY GOD! I'M COMING!!!!!!!
52. Dale Cruse said:
I'm still not first! YAY!
53. tangoali said:
I want to hump his leg.
54. Lindsey said:
Yummers :)
55. Liz M said:
Anne wins the funniest comment thus far award...
56. `jen said:
i SO need someone like that to "help" around the house. ;)
57. Em said:
Damn your man is hot! Don't you love the feel of his beard on your skin? mmmmmm.......
58. becky said:
Scruffy!
59. LadyBug said:
Yes, 'tis a nice beard.
And I like the weird angle of the picture, the "up the nose" shot. Of course, we're lucky there were no little, um, _Chrismas elves_ playing peek-a-boo out Jon's nose.
60. LadyBug said:
Shit. _ChrisTmas elves_
61. Fish said:
Anne: ten bucks says someone comments on how cool Dooce's blinds are.
Hey, wait. They are cool blinds.
*Fish winks*
62. Laura said:
LL Cool J
Ladies Love Cool Jon
63. atomic said:
I want to see more tree! Tree close-ups! (Does Chuck ever make to piss on the tree?)
64. Fish said:
Ladybug: re: "Christmas elves."
1. Chrismas is celebrated by one of my old neighbors in college, whose name, predictably, is Chris. He was kind of a dork.
2. When my son "fills his pants," I used to say to DL that he "took a shit." DL didn't like that, so now we say that he let some genies out of the lamp.
bad, bad genies.
65. Robin said:
Dude. Short-time reader and first-time writer. I'm so in love with the love you have for your husband. I hope I can find that.
66. Girl.A said:
"She was a cross-eyed, horny-horned, Scrumptious Bearded Armstrong Eater."
I think there's more than one of those in the room. Run, Jon, Run!
67. Girl.A said:
The freakin ANTHROPOPHAGISTS are comin!
68. LadyBug said:
Fish: re: genies. Hilarious. When my son was brand new (now almost 6 months), he pooped A. LOT. Like, five or six times a day. We would say "Fire in the hole!" or I would simply hand him to hubby and say, "Your son has a present for you."
He's down to once every four or five days now, btw. (Yay breastmilk!) But I'm sure all things poop-related will change dramatically now that he's starting solids...had his first cereal last night.
_And, yes, this comment was totally unrelated to the picture, so sue me. But it DID include the word POOP. More than once. So there._
69. Kelly said:
I also love how you love your husband. Those are my favorite posts to read...just makes me smile. :)
70. Sheryl said:
It's in the works. Look what I found:
UNITED STATES SUMPREME COURT
DISTRICT OF UTAH
Civil Action No. 69-BJ-666-UTI
ANAL RETENTIVE READERS OF DOOCE.COM,
Plaintiffs,
v.
LadyBug
Defendant.
71. Katy said:
"Opening a bag of Ruffles" is a nice family-friendly way to say your child just shat him/herself.
72. Anne said:
Fish - and those blinds are INSIDE MOUNT. That's so fucking hot! Just like Jon. And the Christmas tree. And that upper corner where the molding intersects at a 45 degree angle so professionally.
Wait a second, it just occurred to me that Paris Hilton could be single-handedly monopolizing this comment board by posing as numerous personalities, all of them sycophants. Hmmm.
73. kristine said:
I think they are all the same person.
Jon, Leta, Heather....even Chuck.
They all look alike.
Well, when Chuck has his hair all gussied up he looks like Leta.
74. Mari said:
Jon's got a serious case of bed head going on. I like it!
75. honestyrain said:
i never liked beards. and not to be all I WORSHIP YOU PEOPLE but he looks good with a beard.
this is so off topic but i just ate a piece of feta cheese and oh my gawd i love feta cheese. seriously.
76. Amanda B. said:
Sheryl- Civil Action No. 69-BJ-666-UTI
Oh, how I heart you.
77. The Mighty Jimbo said:
now without juicy bits of vomit!
78. christy said:
Fish - my husband still says "he shit his pants" when referring to our son needing a diaper change. To me it implies a sort of adult-level of control like he could have gone elsewhere, but chose not to. So I can see where your DL is coming from on this one.
Then again, I called my own 2-yead-old "tard" the other day, so who am I to talk?
79. Caroline said:
Ladybug, how did you make your font in italics? I've been trying to figure it out.
80. moose said:
re: Anne's 1-2-3-4
GUFFAW!
Hands down winner for today's best comment.
81. chickenHead said:
Do you like your tree topper? We've been hunting for years a tree topper that does not suck. We've been using a red bow until we find one.
82. chickenHead said:
I rwalized my last post, #81, might read as though I don't like your tree topper. I can't reaaly make it out so my post was really more about: there's a tree topper; I wonder if it has a story.
83. Sarcastic Journalist said:
what leta would look like with facial hair.
84. ranae said:
after picking hundreds of shreds of broken christmas tree bulb (courtesy of a *very mobile* babysitting charge) perhaps you are lucky that this christmas little leta will just be sitting stationary on her adorable little hams, grunting and just wishing she could grab all the shiny.fragile.glass.bulbs tempting her on the christmas tree ;-)
85. Marti said:
I, too, love feta.
86. Russ said:
Did you take this picture right after you gave your frightening retort describing the pains of womanhood and childbirth in response to his argument that being punched in the nads is the most painful thing ever?
87. Fish said:
Sheryl, Amanda B., and other plaintiffs in the putative class action styled Civil Action No. 69-BJ-666-UTI. I am writing to inform you that I have been retained by Ms. Ladybug in this matter, and all further correspondence is to be directed to me and our legal team here at the offices of Fish Fish, & Morfish, LLP.
Counsel for Ladybug intend to raise the voluntary pooping doctrine as their primary defense, which states that, "whereupon any website is largely dedicated to the functioning of the bottom systems of the subjects and host/hostess of said website, comments regarding or pertaining to poop may be made despite the non-existence of any direct relationship to the purported subject matter of the comment." See Crapper v. John, 1000 U.S. 2000 (1898).
88. Fish said:
That'll be $400, please.
89. shy said:
HOT!
beautiful christmas tree up. we still have yet to put ours up but i'm not exactly sure what to do with chaeli. as soon as she sees the tree, her everyday goal will be to crawl over and take off all the ornments w/in her reach.
worse... she'll also try to eat the pine needles.
90. JulieT said:
You're a lucky, lucky woman.
91. LadyBug said:
*Carol:* The underscore makes lovely _italics._
*Fish:* Thank you for volunteering as my counsel. I've needed counseling for quite some time. You see, it all started when I was a child, and my mother....oh, my MOTHER.... *Sobbing*
92. LadyBug said:
Oh, geez. Seems that, while I may have the _italics_ thing figured out, I'm a total retard when it comes to *bold.*
93. LeChico said:
have all u "me first" commentors done ur daily duty of voting for that woman whose huband u lust after, daughter u're obsessed with and dog u adore??
www.2004weblogawards.com
94. Sheryl said:
Fish,
I am not a plaintiff in this case!
(Neither is Amanda B, I'm sure) Just a court reporter. lol
I'll interview LadyBug as she steps out into the hall after the battle. And do the voice-overs.
"The litigants in this case are NOT actors..."
95. Marie said:
Dooce,
I spend all day with The Kids (I teach high school), and I still don't have a "sense of what they're up to these days" apparently. The other day, some kid said something like "Oh yeah, he totally called her out." I had to ask them what that meant. Then they told me that I am "SO white" and that I need ebonics lessons from them.
BTW, nice picture. From the angle, it looks like Leta could've taken the shot!
96. Amanda B. said:
Fish- I would like to retain said services, after making the following "has little to do with anything" comment:
Jermaine Jackson named his children, Jaafar and...
wait for it...
wait for it...
Jermajesty.
97. Kieran said:
He is like a big old sexy woodsman! ARRRRR
98. Carol said:
Who knew there was internet access at "Jumpin' Joes"??? I'm in heaven!
Speaking of HOT, my hubby saw Paris HIlton last night in Vegas. I think he had a big boner under the table.
99. lulu cornichon said:
Amanda B.--
_Jermajesty_ ?
no.
way.
100. Big Gay Sam said:
"He's so totally gay"
grrrr...
101. Summons said:
Amanda B,
Papers have been filed against you.
A Federal Case will be made of your transgression against society.
102. Swollenfinger said:
Carol, Paris Hilton is a blurbomat whore.
103. Carol said:
Oh, she's way more that a Blurbomat whore. She's everyone's whore. Including my husbands!! : )
Jermagesty... you've got to be kidding!!!
104. carissa said:
mmm, i love it when bearded men kiss you on the forehead,and you get that nice pillow of hair in your eyes.
---c
105. Monica said:
DOOCE - I thought you might like this t-shirt. Maybe it should be your mantra...
http://www.glarkware.com/securestore/c181845p16439133.2.html
106. arielle said:
seriously, dooce. you're not that old.
i'm 21, and can remember when all the phones in my house had cords.
i long for them a bit, sometimes. there's one phone in my parent's house that still has a cord and a rotary dial. i use it whenever i'm there..
as for my college house: we don't even have a land line. all 7 of us have cell phones.
107. Elegant Goose said:
I, for one, find facial hair oh-so-hot as long as it's filled in well and not all straggly-like. I actually got a boyfriend *in college* to grow a full beard. Mmmmm-mmmm-mmmmm
Also - I don't mind the am I first comments- I think it is a bit silly that the first four or five usually think they're first. Everyone's gonna set their alarms all early to be #1. Whatever. Who cares if people want to be first? This is s'posed to be a bitch-free zone unless you're bitching about the ENTIRE GODDAMNED BUSH ADMINISTRATION, unsolicited advice people, the pains of childbirth, postpartum depression, constipation, and/or getting punched in the balls.
RE: Civil Action No. 69-BJ-666-UTI
Sheryl totally wins the funniest post of the day award.
Hi-friggin'-larious!
Keep the off-the-topic comments coming! (I love reading all the random-ass stuff everyone writes because I check this damn website like four times a day [can we say additive personality?] and Dooce doesn't post that many times, so reading all your guys' stuff makes up for it!)
108. Gretchen C. said:
He's totally hot.
Seriously, what up with this "first" thing? People do that in Dave Barry's comments, too. (Okay, I confess, I once did it there myself.)
109. GMM said:
I agree with Susan at 7:12am- I love how you love your hubby. I just got engaged recently and I hope that my future hubby and I keep loving each other like you two do. MORE LETA PICS!! (Maybe a whole family pic?)
110. kim from overseas said:
susie (#17) - i love that recipe. made me totally laugh. and have a headache just thinking about it.. posted it on my site, hopefully that's okay..
111. Amanda B. said:
Jermajesty. I shit you not.
I am naming my first born Jomama.
Try and stop me.
112. lulu cornichon said:
Julookinamee?
113. Sheryl said:
I am thinking about naming a kid Chewtalkinboutwillis.
114. lena said:
i love how much you love jon and how much he loves you.
also, i want to be friends with your baby sitter. maybe she'll teach me how to text message and how to ignore the jackasses in my life.
115. Mrs.Stray said:
Ok is it wrong that my first thought was look at the nice wood around the windows? I have a man, and a tree and a baby and even a freaking dog (bad dog). I don't have nice trim.
I mean I paint my room and I have roller marks all on the ceiling, and I don't plan to paint the ceiling. Hell I don't even plan to paint the trim if you can't see it.
I *do* however plan to leave the extra paint for the next person who lives here, just in case they put thier furniture in a different position.
Oh and my gay friends says that "gay is ok" when I say things are gay. And he is right, right.
116. dahl said:
ok, so is it just me, or does jon totally look like jason lee, a la almost famous?
117. Sheryl said:
Big Gay Sam, the grrr was very tolerant of you. I had to go see what it was about.
(Not assuming I know what Dooce thinks about the subject)
As a sister to a lesbian whose married with kids, and an aunt to an extremely good-looking and cocky 19 year old boy, I wish it wasn't fashionable among the youngsters
a. to call things they disdain "Gay".
b. to promote bisexuality as a way to prove you are cool, worldly and interesting.
118. U.B. said:
Are you buying him a comb for Christmas?
Re: Paris - Did any of you see South Park last week? Episode was "Stupid, Spoiled Whore" featuring Paris. Way funny.
119. Fish said:
My wife's dad wanted to name her "Yolanda."
120. Lina said:
Here's an idea: how about a contest for scatological euphemisms?
My two favorites are "Dropping a trout" and "Dropping some kids off at the pool." The second is especially flexible, e.g. "Don't you hate it when you're trying to drop the kids off at the pool, and one of them won't get out of the car?"
See? SO MUCH FUN!
121. alice said:
Dahl, he does look like Jason Lee! The very same Jason Lee who named his child Pilot Inspektor.
Just awesome.
122. Anne said:
U.B. - I think Jon actually HAD A FIGHT WITH A COMB ... and the comb lost.
123. Carol said:
Is it OK to serve a 1.5 year old pepperoni pizza and then send him off to jump in big-ass blown up jumpy things? It is? Great.
I named my first born Heywood Jablomy.
124. Ellewiz said:
My DF does NOT look good with a beard. There exists only one photo of him in the Bearded Time, and it is not spoken of in polite company. But his face is soft, smooth, and eminently smoochable.
125. JulieT said:
One of these days, I'm going to be LAST!!!
126. moose said:
Julie T, not yet. Ha.
Sheryl, I'm with you.
127. Fish said:
Lina: I like "filling the bowl." Simple, yet effective.
Or maybe: "deploying the troops." That one doubles as sexual innuendo as well.
128. Fish said:
Carol, a.k.a. Bart Simpson.
129. Venus Man Trap said:
"Heather, where did you hide Leta's comb?!"
130. Cate said:
Here's a scatological euphemism for ya:
"Sending a present to Frodo."
My boss likes to mock me. And yes, I am a total nerd girl about Lord of the Rings. (Whoa! Not that nerdy. I do not, have not, and will not ever dress up in costume and attend a convention. I reserve such fannish behavior for Star Wars, thank you very much.)
Anyway...Frodo sailing to the Undying Lands at the end of Return of the King somehow became a "watch out! I have urgent need of a toilet" joke to my poop-brained (but otherwise very nice) boss.
131. Nobody said:
"Oh wwhheeeere -- is my hairbrush?/
Oh, wwhheeeeere -- is my hairbrush?/
Oh where, oh where, oh where, oh WWHHEEERE -- is my hairbrush?"
You'll get it in a couple of years.
132. Fish said:
Cate: Just as long as the present isn't Frodo-sized. Then you WOULD need Gandalf's staff to float that sucker.
133. Sheryl said:
*My precious*
yuck.
134. Fish said:
Sheryl: You're right. "dumping a Gollum into the fiery pits of Mt. Doom" IS a much better euphamism. Of course, then you are referring to your toilet as Mt. Doom.
Short version: "I gotta go drop a Gollum."
Or, "I just pinched a Smeagol."
135. Girl.A said:
I took your hairbrush because you have no hair.
But, Nobody, are you implying that I stuck it where the sun don't shine?
http://www.ultimateveggie.com/silly/silly03.html
136. kristine said:
question about the 'gay' comment.
I have a million kids and they say, "That's so gay.", but when I asked them, "What do 'mean' when you say 'gay'" they said, It means 'not in style' or 'not cool or hip'."
I thought the gay community had the cornerstone on hip and cool. When did this turn around???
My daughter said to me the other day, "Mom, don't be gay about this."
I wanted to be gay! They have good eye when it comes to shoes and clothes and they know all the new cool music!
I looked at her and I said, "I am SO gay right now, Kara. I am GAY and I am proud to be gay!"
It was that point that the 14 year old boy walked in and said, "I hope you informed my father of this."
I didn't miss a beat, "You're father is gay too."
There is going to be some therapy sessions in my house soon.
137. Heather said:
CLASSIC!!! Duh....
138. Caroline said:
OMG I sooo totally want to be your babysitter. Like I would be so, like, totally perfect for the job. I'm, like, awesome with kids. And I totally have, like, that whole transportation thing down. Plus, I promise not to have any, like, friends over. Well, I mean, girl friends. My boyfriend is totally cool with kids too, so I might ask him to come over for, like, advice or something after the kids are asleep. And I totally love The Little Mermaid and, like, Cinderella, so I know I'll totally get along with -- what was her name? Like Lisa or something? -- Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, right. I can't come on like, Friday or Saturday nights, because, you know, I totally have, like, *a life*, dur. But during the week is totally awesome. Except on like Mondays and Wednesdays because I have, like, cheerleading practice and stuff. So how much do I get an hour? And you might want to stock your fridge for, you know, Lisa. Because I totally don't eat other people's food. Do you have satellite? There's, like, totally educational stuff on satellite.
139. LadyBug said:
Nobody! I totally get that Veggietales reference. I loooooove me some Veggietales. Especially those goofy songs, like "My Cheeseburger" and "The Water Buffalo Song."
Everybody's got a water buffalo.
Yours is fast, but mine is slow.
Oh, where'd we get them? I don't know.
But everybody's got a water buffalooooooo.
Oh, dear. I fear I may have over-shared.
140. Fish said:
Ladybug, I'm withdrawing as your counsel.
141. Sarah said:
Ok, the Veggietale stuff is freaking me out.
142. Sheryl said:
“I gotta go drop a great green Gollum.â€
“I just pinched a sizzling Smeagol.â€
143. Claude said:
Jermajesty, if I recall correctly, isn't really a new story. The kid is four years old. Not that it isn't still kind of sad and weird. But what the heck: it shows some sense of humor. Beats the hell out of Phinneas (Julia Roberts, are you listening?)
It was only a couple of months ago that someone contacted Bill O'Reilly's radio program and identified himself as "Jack Mehoffer", which O'Reilly pronounced as "May-hoffer." Some people just don't get it.
For Carol's benefit...
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time.
144. Carol said:
Gotta go grow a tail.
That one really grosses me out (and gags me with a spoon, fer sher). Courtesy of my harley-riding BIL.
145. Anne said:
Ooh. Yes. Veggietale faux pas. Look away, people.
146. Mrs.Stray said:
Speaking of over sharing..
I introduced my husband to the phrase muff burger last night.
147. Carol said:
Thank you Claude.
148. Euphemisms for Rectal Functions said:
http://www.ramdac.org/article/id/58
149. Sheryl said:
Park my breakfast.
150. LadyBug said:
Fish, that makes me very sad, because, as you can tell now more than ever, _I totally needed that counseling._
And, just for that, I'll be sending your little guppy "Silly Songs with Larry", "A Very Veggie Christmas", AND "Larryboy: The Soundtrack." HA!
151. Sarah said:
I often call it "meditation time", but maybe now I'll call it VEGGING OUT
152. Caroline said:
Phinneus is going to grow up to be a train-obsessed midget. Seriously, watch The Station Agent. And I have so many shark, penis, and Greek related jokes for that name my brain is about to explode.
153. Fish said:
re: "euphamisms" website.
Number 40: "drop a deuce."
I also like: "Make grunt sculpture."
154. LadyBug said:
So how long will it take for the Google ads to change to Veggietales paraphernalia?
155. Sarah said:
Gotta go grow a Veggie Tail
156. Sheryl said:
Cutting rope.
157. Carol said:
I can't find the shit website. what is it?
158. Fish said:
Sarah: Whew. That was marvelous. Good show.
Carol: see comment # 148
159. SaraJane said:
Dearest Heather
Great post today. you are so getting a book deal out of this. The one about the babysitter should be in there.
keep on, keepin on... and tell people who use this as there chat room to move some where else. Its annoying.
160. Fish said:
party pooper.
161. Sarah said:
Why do people have to poop on other people's parades?
162. Amanda B. said:
Claude- forgive me, you see I only found out about Jermajesty today. I dropped out of the Jermaine Jackson fan club eons ago.
163. Sarah said:
I think "stringing Christmas lights" could work rather nicely, too.
Euphamisms are FUN!
164. Annn-tisss-i-pay-shun said:
Screaming Jay Hawkins recorded his "Constipation Blues" with his trademark yells after his first bout with blockage and the Bonzo Dog Band recorded "The Strain" on the same topic and with many of the same sound effects.
165. kristine said:
Dooce-
You mentioned for us to 'have at it' in the comment area. (minus picking on you, mom and britney)
Have you chanaged your mind and is it time for us to move to a 'off comment' list?
166. Jenie said:
Dearest SaraJane...it seems as if you have not read previous picture comments and have attempted to open a topic long ago discussed and dissected....People are going to chat...it's fun. It's why I check this site like 300 times a day now! If you don't want to read the conversations....there's a simple solution...DON'T!!
Oh...and to everyone else...sorry for jumping on the "I'm first!" bandwagon this morning....I've become obsessed!
167. Mrs.Stray said:
How does poop braid itself?
168. kristine said:
Oh thank God I am not the only one who comes here 300 times a day.
Fish, Carol, The Sarahs, Sheryl and the Heathers. The Ladybugs & the big gay Sam. You all have become a part of my weird online life. I love 'chatting' and reading your blogs!
Chat on!
169. Eric Bostrom said:
it must be a utah thing. the girls in california hate facial hair.
170. Danika said:
Big Gay Sam ~ If you are interested the Supreme court in Ottawa (Canada) just passed judgement on same sex marriages. They are legal in Canada. :)
I've also been enjoying the comments the past few days. I love the funny comments and tangents. I just am not a fan of the people using the comments to talk to eachother. Thats mostly because I'm lazy and don't want to read through them.
171. Danika said:
Sorry misrepresented the judgement. The court judged that Ottawa has the right to redefine marriage. Which basically gives the right to legalize it but it isn't yet legalized.
Article here (if you are interested): http://www.canada.com/news/national/story.html?id=1415280c-8e0a-45f6-8df...
172. Sheryl said:
Eric, I take it you've never been to Humboldt County, the Lake Shasta area or the Santa Cruz Mountains?
173. none ya said:
I didn't read all the comments and hope I'm not repeating a theme, but holy crap, it's Jesus!
And he sayeth unto you, "Joseph Smith said I was WHERE? No fucking way!"
174. Super Turtle Girl said:
So Leta it's not like you don't have a totally nice daddy (except could our daddies find a razor sometime soon 'cause that hair is bristly on our soft baby cheeks? You know what I'm talkin' about, girl!).
Cute daddy but um...in this picture...he looks kinda...you know those crazy street preachers you see...who???? I think it's angle or something but he looks like he's telling us all how we're going to burn in hell unless we take Jesus as our personal savior...
But he's gonna be the cool daddy when you grow up--you can just tell.
175. Dr. Johnny Fever said:
I have never received a text message -- nor have I ever sent one to Ryan Seacrest to vote for some dipshit American Idol contestant. Isn't that so totally gay?
176. Mike said:
I'm gay for John.
177. Amanda B. said:
Aw, don't feel bad Dooce. I stopped trying to be hip years ago. I have to focus all of my energy on the whole hand-eye coodination thing.
Speaking of Utah, did you guys hear about the lady from there-abouts that got a zillion dollar settlement because she, in fact, wrote the screen play for the Matrix?
178. Etymology - Scrumptious said:
Scrumptious:
1. 1836, probably a colloquial alteration of sumptuous (q.v.). Originally "stylish, splendid;" sense of "delicious" is from 1881.
2. 1993, from "screw" + "hump" + "delicious" Written as three words until 1992, after which it was "screw-hump-tious" until early 1993.
179. kristine said:
Sheryl,
I grew up in Shingletown/Redding area (way northern California)
and you forgot that not only do they all sport those beards...Northern California is HOME OF MULLET!
180. Girl.A said:
kristine,
Mullet should be the official mascot/hairstyle of a guy on the down-low.
*"business up front and party out back".*
no offense, but shingletown/redding sounds like a very , umm, itchy-and-burny-type place to live.
I hear they have creams for that type of thing.
181. Carol said:
I'm sure all of you have seen this, but
http://www.mulletsgalore.com/
182. SaraJane said:
Ok, ok... I take back my chat comment, but the I'm first business is still annoying. Besides that I don't care.
183. kristine said:
Shingletown/Redding is where Satan will send me when I die. I will of course have to sit in a car with my exboyfriend all the way there as further punishment. Once I get back to Shingletown I will have to stand in line for the rest of my life. That will be my hell.
184. wealhtheow said:
Sheryl--
Love the Humboldt shout-out. You know what a Humboldt Hunny is, right?
185. beachgal said:
Okay, time to keep voting in the blogawards, folks...dooce is rising, but has a long way to go!!!!
2004weblogawards.com
186. christy said:
Johnny, I would be happy to text you in all your total gayness. Like radical!
187. Nancy said:
Santa?
188. JP said:
I just wanted to say "THANKS" for our Daily Dose of Dooce. I just love it...
I have to admit I'm curious how you found the guts to be so perfectly honest with your family and your decisions. My wonderfully Mormon mother would keel over and die if she knew the "real" me... (sigh) Mormon guilt...just as good as Catholic guilt. Its like they bottle it up and sell it. LOL
189. Katy said:
JP: Let us not forget the Jewish guilt. Yes, Jewish guilt is the mac daddy of all guilts.
190. LadyBug said:
beachgal: Dooce is rising. Rising, like The Phoenix, from the ashes, or more like bread dough?
191. christy said:
Ok - I was just putting two and two together with that blog awards thing and the current leader. Did anyone notice the similarity in the ads on the contest site and the content of the leader's blog? Seems a little righty-tighty to me. I smell a vast right-wing conspiracy.
192. Eric Bostrom said:
i used to spend my summers in ferndale
and
my xgf lived in santa cruz :) maybe it's just the girls of my generation.
193. Sheryl said:
wealhtheow,
I've heard of a "Humboldt Honey", but don't know the technical definition. I lived in Santa Cruz for 5 years, part of it in Ben Lomond.
Here's what "Humboldt Honey" brings to mind: Vegan girl studying herbal medicine from a wiccan lady in the woods. She is white as snow and has butt-length dreadlocks, wears long tie-dyed skirts and sandals year-round. She lives in a cabin with no bathroom. She parks her breakfast in a hole by the creek.
194. Amanda B. said:
Katy- no way dude. You're forgetting Catholic Guilt. Although I'd love to see a guilt-off between a Catholic and a Jewish person. That would be sweet.
195. Eric Bostrom said:
sheryl: that's more arcata than all of humboldt county. most folk up there are farmers, ranchers or loggers.
196. Karen Rani said:
Okay well, Heather, you are like, so cool and liked by your peers now, that high school is like, so high school and like, you don't have to worry about that anymore. Not that you were worrying, I'm totally sure that you weren't.
It looks like Jon is singing, perhaps at a piano...Oh Christmas Tree....Oh Christmas Tree....has he had any more booze lately? *grin*
I'm pretty sure your dog and my dog are SO related.....Ruffy does all the same things Chuck does. I love your 'doggy perspective' cuz it makes me laugh every time!
Hugs to you and like, yours,
Karen
197. eco2geek said:
If dooce showed the slightest interest in the so-called "Weblog Awards," I'd be more inclined to care. But, it's just something cooked up by a guy who claims he runs one of "the most popular conservative weblogs on the Internet":http://wizbangblog.com/about.php.
Gia -- could you post a picture with your face in there, too? Please? :-)
198. Seriously said:
eco creepy
199. Fish said:
First Northern Cali takes away Wisconsin's "dairy state" title, and NOW you're trying to take away our "Land of Mullets" title, too? Word is, they were trying to fit some skinny, dorky guy with a mullet on the Wisconsin quarter along with the cheese corn and cow, but it just didn't fit.
At least we're still the land of people sporting the combination "mullet-Zuba Pants" look.
200. Fish said:
That's why Jon's got that look on his face, isn't it? Because he's wearing Zubas, right?
201. christy said:
eco - you confirmed my suspicions. no wonder that blowhard is in first place.
202. Sherly (aka Sheryl) said:
wealhtheow,
or were you referring to the THC-laced honey "nugget"?
Thought you were talkin person but maybe you were talkin vice.
203. Amanda B. said:
You can never out-mullet Mississippi. Nev-ah!
204. Sheryl said:
The Mullet is not a state. It is a state of mind, a state of being, and it is everywhere.
I would venture to guess that you'd see more mullets at the Bristol Motor Speedway in Tennessee, Darlington Raceway in South Carolina or the Talladega Superspeedway in Alabama than in *any* state of the union. They come from miles and miles for the NASCAR.
205. Amanda B. said:
I'll betcha two Monster Truck Show tickets that Mississippi would win the mullet/per capita contest. :)
206. Sheryl said:
*S U N D A Y ! S U N D A Y ! S U N D A Y ! *
207. honestyrain said:
don't even get me started on being old. i got old in october. i turned 36. up until then i felt like i had a fighting chance. but now, no. i'm somebody's mom. i'm the person who tells the kids to slow down and hey there you guys!
how did this happen to me, to you, to the rest of us old farts.
208. Mrs.Stray said:
I'm not old. I am still mad cool. Fo shizzle.
209. Fish said:
I'll see your two monster truck shows, and raise you three tractor pulls and 4 hog-roping contests.
210. Carol said:
*sigh* I'm 36.
Just think.. in, like, four years? I'll be forty.
211. Carol said:
I had a friend in college from Oklahoma and he had a huge mullet and a ranch back home with a special cow with a 5th leg growing out of its back.
I wonder how many mullets a rodeo has.
212. Amanda B. said:
Oh yeah! I'll raise you one ragged out ElCamino with a rebel flag license plate and an "Ain't Skeered" bumper sticker.
Booo-ya boyeee
213. Sheryl said:
starz n barz boyeee
214. Jess said:
So the fact that I've TRIED to text message, and it takes me forever, and then I see those kids text message like their fingers are on fire--- THAT makes me feel old. I'm totally and officially no longer with it.
215. Banky? said:
Chasing Amy?
http://www.absolutenow.com/photos/5989_lee_ja88681084.html
216. Sheryl said:
Jess, you totally get used to it if you have to. I write whole documents for work on the tiny keyboard of my blackberry, and I wrote about half of 120,000 words of a manuscript on it over the past year.
People that know me HATE the tiny clicking noises. People who don't know me think I am playing a freaking video game. Which is very funny since I haven't played one since Pole Position. I'm 37.
But I do believe that nagging can make you feel old.
217. Sheryl said:
Carol, in 4 years you'll be "fawty" (in beantown anyway).
218. U.B. said:
You thirty-somethings need to stop snivelling. Old is cool these days. Just wait until you start on the first of many "pharmaceuticals that you will take every day until you die". Now THAT, is a landmark aging moment (sigh).
We 40 and 50-somethings have no sympathy...
I'm in rural NorCal now and can assure you all that the mullet is alive and well up here. As is the heinous "W '04" bumper sticker on every vehicle that seems to drive or park badly.
219. Danika said:
Sheryl ~ Can't you turn the clicking noise off? Or is it just the natural click of the buttons?
I LOVE text messaging. I started texting in March and have sent over 4500 texts. I rarely text people that live where I do its usually texting friends that live far away. Its better than paying for long distance calls thats for sure. I've also gotten pretty fast at it and can do it with my eyes closed and not make spelling errors. Its like typing... when you first started typing you were probably pretty slow but the more you type the faster you got.
220. Fish said:
CALL!
I got me a full house:
rusty pickuptrucks on blocks in the yard over washing machines on the porch!
221. Caroline said:
Is it just me, or does that tree seem PERFECT! Dooce, I do NOT know how you manage it. That picture is stock full of good things to look at. :-)
222. Chellerella said:
You are TOO cool Heather! Cool as the babysittin' kid!
223. Fish said:
Dooce: pleasepleasepleaseplease PLEASE, when Leta's first words are "smell like shit!" and she's running around the house yelling it at the top of her lungs while your mom's over, PLEASE post an mp3 file.
224. tom said:
do any other kids younger than 15 read this like me? or am i just a freak?
225. Em said:
There are many days I'd go for no nose for that exact reason!
226. Chessy said:
Dude, Fish, you (sadly) just described the house next to me. Thanks.
:)
227. Super Turtle Girl said:
I SO don't get this. Northern California? Isn't that where the HIPPIES live? What part of NoCal you talkin' about?
I mean, my ma went to Berkeley and no one there has a mullet....
228. carly said:
fuck, he's looking pretty hot.
i always feel dumb when i comment here, you guys all put things into words better than me
or i? shit, there i go being dumber
229. U.B. said:
Carly -- Read 'Me Talk Pretty One Day' by David Sedaris some time. You will chortle.
Turtle Girl -- the key word is 'rural' NorCal. While I can get to the Bay Area to be around people with triple-digit IQ's, it's a four hour drive. I'm in rural NorCal where one can actually afford to purchase land, but will also be frowned upon for having a non-raised pick-up truck and no gun rack.
230. Sheryl said:
UB, I hear ya. My mom lives in Red Bluff, CA. And though they are clean living farmers (they don't grow pot and they don't have appliances in their yards) they are extremely attached to their guns and their pick-ups.
Danika, The noise is very faint, but I am 25% deaf in both ears (really) so I don't hear it.
I am on my way to see the Pixies at Avalon in Boston and guess who's opening for them?
231. JP said:
Katy...amen, my friend. Here's a BIG bottle of tequila to religious/family guilt.
Hmmm...tequila. Another thing my mother doesn't know about. fuck.
232. Sheryl said:
*Mission of Burma*
See y'all latah.
233. Carol said:
Sheryl -
OH my Good God, not.... EVAN?!?
234. Carol said:
Oh, missed that one. : )
235. Gia on Guam said:
I fully apologize for my deplorable behaviour.
236. lyn said:
don't men just take on a whole new dimension of yumminess when they grow beards?
i'm pretty sure our child would never have been concieved had i not been able to talk my boyfriend into growing his.
237. Gia said:
Just a friendly heads up from your last post: My daughter's first word was "shit" - but she used it in context, so I figure that was okay.
:)
238. Amanda B. said:
Oooh...yeah...i'm picturing a not so Kodakesque moment when Leta utters those words to Grandmommy. Ouch.
239. Amanda B. said:
P.S. Fish- You gotta know when to hold 'em.
And know when to fold 'em.
240. Shiz said:
I'm Calling Child Welfare!
And recommending you for SAINTHOOD!
241. lulu cornichon said:
You're in good company, Dooce.
One of my favorite posts from the archives of Fussy.org:
Me: "Sweetie, I know you hear those words at home, but you can not say them at school. You'll get in big trouble. Oh my god, your teachers will have a fit."
Jackson, pointing: "What the hell is that?"
Me: "Heck, what the heck is that. It's a jacaranda tree. They all turn purple this time of year."
Jackson: "It's fucking bullshit."
Me (opening Jackson's door): "Okay, once we get out of this car, no more words like that. Got it?"
Jackson, standing on the back seat, aiming right at his school: "BULLSHIT!"
Tiny voice coming from behind the gate: "Jackson's here!"
242. Gia on Guam said:
Lulu, I busted out laughing at your story.
243. Mrs.Stray said:
Jj was "helping" us paint his room in Spiderman red and blue when he spilled a bit of paint...to which he unttered "oh shit" in exactly the way it was meant to be uttered. It was the funniest thing every.
But, I am guessing we shouldn't have laughed at him as now he will cuss any time he wants us to bust out in laughter. Its *so* hard to hold it in when such a tiny little voice is calling his baby sister a "little shit".
244. Mrs.Stray said:
lmao...yeah I can type REALLy good. duuuurrrrrrr
245. Joe said:
The Bearded Armstrong is a fearsome devil, he is. If you don't keep your distance he could snap at you or WORSE. Crickey, I think we better have a closer look.
246. dänika said:
is it just me, or does Jon's hair look like an underwater sea creature waving gently in the current?
247. Mrs.Stray said:
http://poopreport.com/Guide/
all poop
all the time
248. Krystal said:
your house looks so cozy.
gotta love that hair. its a wonder of nature really.
249. Danielle said:
So, the tequila cookie recipe is a knock-off of a rum cake joke I was sent last year (or the year before).
Not that it isn't still hillarious to read again.
But I had to laugh when I got to the end and saw that it still referred to the cake tin (even though it was supposed to be for cookies).
250. Danielle said:
hmmmm.... I didn't word that quite right. I didn't mean for it to sound like someone did a knock off of _my_ rum cake joke.
Just that it was originally for rum cake.
251. Allie said:
I'm first!! Yippee!!
252. Susie said:
Wow, I received and passed along the tequila cookie recipe this morning. Quite surprised to see a comment on it late tonight. Your observation is enlightening, Danielle. Not knowing that it was adapted from a cake recipe, I assumed that the cake tin reference was because the baker was too intoxicated by that point to accurately label her bakeware. Your explanation certainly fits as well. A couple of people have asked here today where it came from, and as I've said earlier, no credit was given in the version that was sent to me. Do you know, Danielle, who wrote the recipe?
253. Martha said:
I'mma need all these heffas to back up offa your husband. Gotdamn. Heather B. Armstrong you better watch your back, or one of these looney stalkerish fans of yours is gonna try and sneak your hubby. Sheesh.
Oh yeah, I dig the tree in the background.
254. the niffer said:
I came. I laughed. I went to bed.
255. Fish said:
For Sheryl: I got no lips I got no tongue, whatever I say is only spit. I gotta broken face!
256. annie said:
you are not old at all! i just turned 18, and i remember having a corded phone in my house a few years ago. of course, it was one of like, 4 phones, but it still counts.
257. annie said:
and jon is so hot
258. Mrs.Stray said:
Shouldnt is be back up offa *yo* husband? If we are going to translate "off of" we must translate "your" as well. IMHO
259. mrs. george #2 said:
Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Bob regains his composure and confesses ...
"Larry, that old hairbrush of yours ... Well, you never use it, you don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry, I didn't know. But I gave it to the Peach - 'cause he's got hair!"
Feeling a deep sense of loss, Larry stumbles back and laments ...
"Not fair! Oh, my hairbrush. Not fair! My poor hairbrush. Not fair, not fair, no hair, not fair, no where, no hair, not fair, not fair, not fair! My little hairbrush!"
260. mrs. george #2 said:
Am I first?
No? Then I'll have to settle for annoying.
261. GEORGE! said:
OH MAN AM I FIRST? no not even close, because I wake up at 1pm. Deal with it ladies, it comes with being GEORGE!
262. Caroline said:
GEORGE! Me too!
263. Caroline said:
Oh, and I forgot.
How YOU doin?
I call dibs on George.
264. mrs. george #2 said:
You are SOOOO too late for that, Caroline. The best you can hope for is sloppy thirds. GEORGE! is my baby daddy.
265. Caroline said:
Hey, look back through the comments, Mrs. George #2, I claimed him WAAAAAY before Mrs. George #1. So you've settled for third. Yea.
266. Sheryl said:
Fish, LMAO
That probably sounds to the many people like another one of your claims that you live in a Redneck Wasteland where the mullets are the highest per capita.
My favorite part of the Pixies concert: When they repeatedly started to play, but didn't play, "Here Comes Your Man". One of t he only songs of theirs I don't appreciate. They did play it for the encore, a one-song encore.
Also loved the way they broke into a bluesy rendition of a song that is usually fast and hard. Now I'll have to clear a bit of the tequila haze to remember which one that was.
Gotta run, am training some counselors to use some technology.
267. Caroline said:
Ugh, I'm so sick of U2. Their new music video's played three times this hour on MTV and twice on VH1. And that's just from flicking through the channels. Just thought everyone should know that.
Yea.
268. Danielle said:
Susie, yeah, yesterday was one of those days (like today) where I can be at my computer early, and then can't be at it again until after the work day is over. So, I go home and read the comments there. (which actually made me cranky last night, because I'd missed all of the fun *sigh*)
My mom originally showed me the joke; I can't find my copy. So, I asked her to see if she can find it and tell me if it says anything about authorship.
but I won't know (if anything) until late tonight.
she works at a company that distributes alcohol (including rum), so it is possible someone there wrote it. we shall see. :-)
F R I D A Y !!!
269. wlfldy said:
Love the recipe. I get totally worn out reading all your comments.
270. Brian said:
Am I Last? :)
271. Danielle said:
mom got back to me.
No idea who wrote it.
have y'all seen the one about the woman planning the company holiday party? I'll see if I can find any authorship on it before sharing.