Sister in Zion
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. giggles said:
Happy Monday all!
2. moswyn said:
Freaky.
3. Dawn said:
second?
4. KellBell said:
Beautiful
5. el Greco said:
Happy Easter Monday!
6. MCR said:
Top 10?
7. KATE said:
Holy shit...I never post but today I noticed there are NO COMMENTS as of yet. That will surely change once I finish my rambling about being first so here goes! Fabulous pic.
8. Jenyn said:
It looks like her eyes are following the camera. Weird.
9. southern fried girl said:
Odd picture but I am so exhausted from coming back to work after a long weekend that perhaps it is just me.
10. Chris said:
I think I like the thumbnail better than the full picture.
11. LB said:
Very interesting site and daily photos.
12. indigopyro said:
wow... delurking to be in the top 10! i love your writing heather... keep up the wonderful humor :)
13. Tracie said:
Top Ten! Yay!
14. Suki said:
Interesting. Not a big fan of statues, though.
15. giggles said:
Thank you for the pics and stories Heather!
I loved the girls-weekend-out and of course all the Leta stories and pics!
Hope you and your family had a lovely Easter!
16. kdog said:
First time to comment and in the top 10??? Love ya dooce. Happy Easter belated!
17. Dr. Johnny Fever said:
Looks like the mom from Little House On The Prarie.
18. Danielle said:
strange lady
19. Tracie said:
OK, maybe not- when I typed the comment, there was only 1 showing! My, we do love us some Dooce!
20. Anita said:
Top 20!
21. Natalie said:
She looks like she's made out of clay. Frea-kay.
22. Sherri Jackson said:
So, can you like rub her pokey cheekbone for good luck or something?
That is her cheekbone right? Or maybe it's a Lance Armstrong?
23. story girl said:
It looks a little like Dooce.
24. Leah said:
Those eyes!
25. Sherri said:
Man, I hate stupid auto fill on my computer. I keep forgetting to turn it off.
I'm just Sherri, I don't need to stinkin' last name, man.
26. Reluctant Superstar said:
What, does everyone have their Easter hangover today?
27. Ana said:
What a family!
28. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
What? Cyster in Zion?
Just don't point that shit at me.
29. heather deeeee said:
this is a scary statue to scare mormons into staying mormons. (hee)
remember: coffee is a sin.
30. Dazed & Confuzed said:
She could REALLY stand do so something a little different with her hair...and her skin is a little waxy. I'm thinking "makeover". Bucky, you bring the Dutch Boy, I'll get the spackle and a putty knife....
31. saidi said:
whoa top 30!
32. kieran said:
What did one Statue say to the other statue in the dark..."HEY STAT YOU?"
HAHAHAHAH
33. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Dazed - no spackling over the nipples this time.
And I don't just mean the statue.
34. mrtl said:
I'd ask what she's supposed to be looking at, but I'm just glad she's not looking at me. That always creaps me out.
35. Dazed & Confuzed said:
Dammit Bucky, I make ONE MISTAKE with some spackle, a garden rake and a goat and I hear about for the rest of my life.
36. keely said:
a photo of a statue. who is the artist? i believe its a collaboration of sorts, and an interesting one considering that (I assume from previous photos) the sculptor was a Mormon, creating art to support that belief, and Heather is a recovering Mormon, and taking a photo to explore her past and how it has affected her present. a study of a Mormon artist by a former Mormon artist. the sculpture and the photo are beautiful, but i think the dialouge between the sculptor and the photographer is what makes the photo so interesting. the angle and framing of the picture and the expression on the woman's face. the mark of the sculptor's fingers on the woman's flesh and the colors and shades of the photograph. these are all part of the dynamic. this is one of my favorite photos of yours heather. thanks for your website, for sharing your work and life.
37. red said:
SCARY!
38. darling nikki said:
At first I'm thinking, she's strong with her *literally* chiseled features. And then I'm like oooo, she's got one of those subterranean zits you can't pop on her cheek. A gargantuan one!
39. RazDreams said:
do i see a boogie in her nose?
40. Jen in Boston said:
Is that a picture of you, Dooce? Wa ha ha ha!
41. Susie said:
lucky you, mrtl. She's looking at ME. The eyes are following me. As I go to get my breakfast of chocolate and ham.
42. romy said:
that eye is a little bit creepy. great picture, though.
43. mrtl said:
Hey Pillow Biter (aka Susie), she's saying, "Gimme some of that ham, biznitch!" I wonder what her name is; we could look up her prison name.
44. mrtl said:
Dooce's is "Howard Sperm," by the way.
45. Mamaramma said:
She could use some moisturizer.
Good morning.
46. christy said:
I would be mad if I had to have that haircut for all eternity, too.
47. Susie said:
Piss Guzzler, what do you get when you type in Sister in Zion or some such?
48. Susie said:
Mornin', Mamaramma!
49. mrtl said:
This is going to cost me a dollar, but what the hell. "Sister Zion" is "Fist Fucker" (56).
50. Susie said:
L, almost OL. There she is, Sister Fist Fucker.
51. greenthumb said:
Morning...she looks just the women of her time had to be...hard and fierce. You would be too if you had to contend with 15 other wives.
52. Em said:
Purty. And regal!
53. Susie said:
greenie, you'd be hard and fierce, too, if your "inmate" name was Sister Fist Fucker.
And I think that this is the occasion of my first, second, and now soon to be third, use of the word "fuck" on the internet. No applause necessary.
54. mrtl said:
Susie, you'll drop an F-bomb thrice but won't say "prison bitch"?
55. Susie said:
oh, my bad. "prison bitch" name. And in the name of pathological honesty, I have used the aforementioned word in private emails, which I guess is still "on the internet," but this has been the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time in "public." That is all.
56. kalki said:
OMG, Sister Fist Fucker! It's rather poetic, really.
(Susie, I'm clapping for you.)
57. greenthumb said:
Susie, did you get to much religion or is that the chocolate talking. You're in rare form this morning and it's not even 8a.m. here.
58. Susie said:
dink ooo, dink ooo, kalki
59. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
SUSIE! Piss guzzler? User of "fuck" multiple times?
Dear sweet gawd, what kind of people are my friends here? Susie, why you look at me like that? Like your prison bitch?
Sister Fist Fucker. Hold me, Greenie, I'm so very afraid...
60. Susie said:
greenie, it's the chocolate and ham. The combination will do it every time.
BTW, I made the asparagus wrapped in ham, etc., and I used the "accessory" from mamaramma's suggestion -- tied the little bites with strips of green spring onion. They went like HOTCAKES! (Or like asparagus wrapped in prosciutto & cream cheese & tied with spring onion). Thank you both. People LOVED them:)
61. mrtl said:
Bucky - http://www.prisonbitchname.com/
62. Susie said:
mrtl will kindly perform the service of providing you with your "prison bitch" name if you visit her. Hers is Piss Guzzler; my own is Pillow Biter, thank you very much.
Yea, Bucky, like you've never had three in one morning.
63. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
OK, if I type in my real name, my prison bitch name is Mouth-Mangler.
If I type in Bucky Four-Eyes then it's BF Goodlick.
Truth be told, though, if we go to prison, I'm makin' all o' YOU my prison bitches, so I don't think I'll be needin' this name. ;)
64. greenthumb said:
Glad to hear that the suggestions worked out. It must of looked very spring like with the colors too.
(strokes Bucky) S'okay lil'Buck, big Greenie here and let's be honest, Ain't nothin or nobawdy you can't handle round here.
65. Mamaramma said:
Susie - Glad they went over well! That sounds delicious. Bites of asparagus are generally much more tempting than bites of pillow.
66. Susie said:
BF Goodlick. I like it.
67. mrtl said:
Sister Zion's gangsta name is Old Dirty Pee Hands. (I looked through them all, trying to find something befitting her demure nature, but the closest to that I could find was "Jay Jay the Clown."
68. greenthumb said:
OMG!!!!
Green Thumb="The Receptacle"
69. The other Paula said:
Her hair is stiff and unmoving, too much Aqua net perhaps?
70. mrtl said:
Too funny Greenie - There was a kid at my old office... he had what we called his Receptacle. (he didn't know her last name and only or saw her on the weekends for sex)
71. Susie said:
But she LOOKS like Sister FF. It's so HER.
72. Torrie said:
DOROTHY HAMILL!
73. kalki said:
I agree. She may be wearingn a bun, but she's one tough bitch. I don't think she could take Bucky, but it would be close...
74. Jennifer in Kansas City said:
Wow, and I thought *I/* clenched my jaw.
75. August95 said:
Be afraid, be very afraid.
76. LadyBug said:
That woman definitely has the pissed-off expression of someone raising 172 children, and married to a man with 6 other wives.
77. francey said:
dude... #77!
78. Nathan Logan said:
I would say something about pre-100 being a rarity these days, but that would be far too cliche. Instead, I'll say that that's one scary lady. She looks like a shape-shifter.
...
Which brings up a good question, what *do* shape-shifters look like?
79. Seven said:
She had a bad rhinoplasty...
80. TulsaOkie said:
Very Stoic.
I know I'm a bit slow, but I'm glad the daily pictures are back and that comments are open. I missed them both!
81. k rain said:
Hrmph. Well, I actually could have been first this morning. Damnit.
82. Terri said:
Great shot.
LMAO at your aunt. Going commando at Easter?
83. jordan said:
My friend's mom used to cut her hair just like that when we were little.
She would make her stand on the front porch in her underwear, put a bowl on her head, and cut around it.
I'm completely serious.
84. Torrie said:
I hate underwear.
Freedom!
85. Susie said:
Her name was LOLA,
she was a showgirl...
86. LadyBug said:
Your post about Aunt Lola makes me want to shout "OF UNDERPANTS!!!!"
87. mrtl said:
Would Aunt Lola done be pissed if she knew how public her worst nightmare has become?
88. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
ohmygod, no visible panty lines on Aunt Lola!
How does one "forget" to put on underpants? Do you reckon Aunt Lola was just takin' a walk on the wild side?
And, I will probably be so sorry I asked this, why would she be physically uncomfortable without her panties?
(I almost don't want to know the answer, and I almost do, y'know?)
89. Susie said:
Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
why she walks like a woman and talks like a man
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
90. Susie said:
Aunt Lola and her unencumbered parts just make me feel like singin'!
91. mrtl said:
The evil part of me wants to look up Lola's prison bitch name. Hamilton?
92. Torrie said:
My mom used to sing this song to me:
"I see London, I see France. I see Torrie's underpants"
It explains a lot about my dementia, no?
93. greenthumb said:
Why don't we have names like that anymore? Lola, I want an Aunt Lola. I had a Great Grandma Lula and G.G. Lemuel...Lem and Lula.
94. Susie said:
Lem and Lula sound like characters from the Andy Griffith show. The episode where Lula's twin sister Lola visits on Easter without her underdrawers.
95. southern fried girl said:
Thank God someone's family sounds as fucked up as mine is.
96. GEORGE! said:
No undies? That's Lola's worst nightmare?
I'm a little disappointed, I would have suspected more from her.
97. Susie said:
GEORGE!!!! That's just the beginning of the nightmare. Some things, Aunt Lola just doesn't speak of on Easter Sunday.
Like the part where she say, "How'd you like to get your ass kicked by an Auntie with no panty?"
98. greenthumb said:
Susie...I grew up in a Mayberry-esk town. Population 1900...G.Grampa Lem was a moonshiner.
99. coskel said:
only on dooce could this board go from Sister in Zion to the asparugus recipie to prison bitch names and going commando in under 200 comments.
Happy Monday all!! Slap-happiness will ensue. mrtl, thanks for the boredatwork.com. You know, I didnt' have QUITE enough time-killers what with losing my mind and starting a blog of my very own this weekend.
And I thought the rule was that we all have to have an Aunt Shirley somewhere.
100. Susie said:
greenie, I have an old photograph of a still; that's not a still photo, you know'm sayin'? It belonged to my grandfather or my great-g. Hell, you really are my brother.
101. mrtl said:
I met someone here in Texas within the last couple years who makes her own peach hooch. That shit was Nasty.
102. greenthumb said:
kew kew..who scuffed Flash?
103. RyanH said:
I think that's a rather nice photo. The cast looks glum, but at the same time incredibly confident. I apologize for not having anything witty to add to these comments.
104. mrtl said:
You're most welcome, coskel.
105. Wicked H said:
So I am guessing this is the look of Lola while going commando.
Got it!
106. bored said:
not related to the photo - but is definitely entertaining... AND about boobs!
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/
107. stillheidi said:
really though...that is sooo funny!
108. al said:
that cheekbone is a little too prominent; she looks like the has some kind of malignant tumor blossoming beneath her granite skin
109. mihow said:
Underpants are overrated.
110. laurenbove said:
Hey Susie: Is it me or does asparagus make your pee smell funny?
I did the same recipe yesterday and now I've noticed this phenomenon.
111. Suzy said:
My mom had that haircut in the 80s. Now I know her inspiration.
112. Ev said:
Heather,
I have to thank you for your Aunt Lola story. It had me laughing so hard I was crying at my desk. My coworkers must think I'm crazy. And the photo is lovely.
113. Kim said:
Aunt Lola just about made me pee in my panties. YES, I have mine on today. I have forgotten to brush my teeth but forget my underwear. That is obviously one busy woman!! Thanks for sharing that one dooce!!!
114. Susie said:
hi, laurenbove. Those appetizers did not make my pee smell funny. However, my making them, using greenie's recipe, DID make HIS pee smell funny. I'm scratchin' my head...
115. Amanda said:
haha... great story! :) thanks for always making me laugh
116. Kassi said:
Thank goodness I do a panty check every morning.
117. Dan said:
Less architecture, more Chuck. Thanks.
118. smacks said:
another earthquake in indonesia
119. mrtl said:
smacks - thanks - damn commercial on cnn. isn't it weird that the last one was the day after Christmas?
120. smacks said:
i never thought of that! now it's the day after easter.
121. Jeff Milner said:
I absolutely loved comment #36.
"interesting [...] considering that [...] the sculptor was a Mormon, creating art to support that belief, and Heather is a recovering Mormon, and taking a photo to explore her past and how it has affected her present. A study of a Mormon artist by a former Mormon artist."
"the dialouge between the sculptor and the photographer is what makes the photo so interesting."
I didn't think much about the photo at first because being a mormon (recovering) myself I've seen the statue so often in trips to Utah that it's artistic value is almost lost on me. Looking at it from that new perspective really opens things up.
122. the niffer said:
I must admit that I have forgotten my panties before. And even more often a bra; my little guys don't need much support. Just a friendly "GOOOOO BOOBIES" every morning.
123. Melanie S. said:
You know she went to sleep last night holding her bible praying to be forgiven. Great story.
My mom told me that I was going to hell for wearing thongs because "too much of your bottom is exposed". Exposed to who? My jeans?
124. greenthumb said:
Going to the Doctor...keep it lively gang.
125. Ms. Belle said:
Who cares about a picture of "Sister in Zion" - we want to see Aunt Lola! (preferably on a better day when she IS wearing panties)...
126. Alli said:
Those didn't used to spook me out as a child, but now I'm kinda trippin balls about the statues around temple square.
Maybe its the guilt of being raised a Big Fat Momo, and then finding myself in a crowded bar every weekend on Sunset and La Cienega singing primary songs.
127. Vanessa_AR said:
Yeah, forget that photo! What's important is to keep on writin' 'bout them crazy relatives! (Sounds like some of mine.)
128. Fran said:
Am I the only one who thinks she resembles Heather, a little...
When I cover one eye with my right hand and close the other eye.
129. saralynnmo said:
Goooooo, boobies indeed.
130. Libraryhill said:
I second Ms. Belle!
131. Lisa S said:
Hey - she looks like you! Weird.
132. CanadianAmy said:
Man, I came on to comment an hour ago, and then after comment #106 I got completely absorbed in the plastic surgery of the starses.
Great stuff! Except for the Tara Reid frankenipple, which will haunt me the rest of my dayz.
133. Nathan Logan said:
The stinky asparagus pee is genetic (the stinky pee and the ability to smell it)!
Check it:
http://www.lhaven.net/index.php?url=http://www.lhaven.net/asparagus.htm
134. the niffer said:
Nathan - that's cool! I can smell cappucino frozen yogurt in my pee. Now that I know that it's a special gift, I will only use it for the purpose of good, not evil.
135. Squirl said:
I've never forgotten panties before. I have put them on inside out, though. Didn't notice till I was at work. Hey, 5:30 is pretty early in the morning to be paying attention to that kind of detail.
136. sherman said:
Aunt Lola's pretty funny.
137. Desiree said:
You live in a scary state.
138. bethy-mae said:
Greenie,
I hope you get well soon. In the mean time to sooth the scratchy windpipe:
Chamomile tea
1 shot bourbon of your choice
spoonful of honey
squirt of lemon juice
mix together, drink while hot.
Repeat as neccesary, however I will not be held resposnible for any abberrant behavior. I was going to post this on your website, but it wouldn't let me.
139. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Inside out, Squirl? With the Hello Kitty on the INSIDE of the thong?
Or was that Susie?
Either way, Hello Kitty just got a surprise.
140. god said:
DANG.
That. Lady. Done. Got. Some. Deep. Eye. Sockets.
I don't recall making any. like. that.
What's. The. Deal?
141. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Oh, wait, I know what's up with the granite fist fuckin' sister: She's got one of those damn pointy Toblerone in her cheek!
142. Big Gay Sam said:
I have nightmares about that face.
143. Nonya said:
36. Keely - Get a life
144. Chuck Balls said:
36. - Keely - Get a life.
145. Kate said:
Hi Dooce. I love your site.
146. Sailcat said:
*shudder* Just finished reading "Under the Banner of Heaven"....looks like she has a little bit of fundamentalist in her.....looks like she could beat you to death with a rake....
147. A.O.K. said:
Jesus H. Christ on a pony! Lola, put on some damn panties!
148. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Anybody know what the theme is for self-portrait day this week?
Personally, I'm partial to SPD: Head Job.
Any takers?
149. troll said:
A Big Fat who cares! Seriously, dooce has been pretty lame lately. Boring posts- asinine pictures.
150. laurenbove said:
Hey susie: I've looked it up and apparently people used to think that some folks had the funny smelling pee and some did not (after eating sulfur containing asparagus) come to find out that everyone makes the funny smelling pee after eating, just that some noses cannot detect it.
Things that make you go "Hmmmmm."
151. Sarcomical said:
wow. poor aunt lola.
if not wearing underwear is a nightmare, then i'm living a nightmare every. single. day.
to me, nothing is more of a nightmare than panty-scrunch. except for the actual word "panty". that is pretty vile.
thanks for the story! families make great blogging material!
152. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Well, I sure hope mrtl isn't one of those with the pee-smellin' gene, since she's "piss guzzler" in prison and all.
Piss guzzler. Is it daintier to be a Piss Sipper? Personally, I prefer my status as a peetotaller.
153. Pillow Biter said:
Hmmmmm
154. Piss Guzzler said:
Bucky, I am indeed one with the pee-smelling gene. While I don't particularly care for the smell of asparagus pee, I do like coffee pee, or more specifically, Haagendaaz coffee ice cream pee.
155. LadyBug said:
Oh, dear. I just checked out that prison bitch name site.
LadyBug = Dildo Head.
156. Piss Guzzler said:
Remembering a compliment from high school: "Honey, I'd drink a whole tub of yo baaaathwatah. I'd drink a whole gallon of yo pee to see whar it come frum."
157. Pillow Biter said:
This reminds me of that Amish maple-syrup urine gene. Anybody? It was in a Patricia Cornwell novel...
158. Piss Guzzler said:
Hey Dildo Head! You just made vanilla pudding come out of my nose, you prison bitch! Oh it stings.
159. Pillow Biter said:
Piss G, did you go to high school up in the holler?
160. Piss Guzzler said:
Pillow Biter, I didn't read that, but know that there is a genetic disease/disorder called Maple Syrup... Syndrome or something to that effect.
161. Piss Guzzler said:
No, Biter, but you try to say it straight.
162. Pillow Biter said:
Dildo Head, that ain't right. You need to mix it up a li'l bit: Dildo Bug or Lady Head, or Dildo Lady or Bug Head...
163. Pillow Biter said:
I would imbibe an entire gallon of your urine, just to gaze upon its source.
Yea, I see whatcher sayin'
164. LadyBug said:
Hmm...How 'bout *Lady Dildo of the Bug Head*
165. LadyBug said:
I ran my "real" name through the prison bitch name generator.
Sigh.
It was...(shaking head)...Fudge Packer.
166. Pillow Biter said:
Hey there, Fudge Lady!
167. Alex said:
while on a hiking trip, my friends and i decided that the most horrendously vile words are "panties" and "moist". Particularly in conjunction. yeurgh.
168. Torrie said:
I'll be bringing the strap-on.
-Torrie (AKA- Jailhouse Cock)
169. Pillow Biter said:
Oh, Torrie! You rock! Ever'body in the whole cellblock...
170. Piss Guzzler said:
I've created a monster. Sorry, Dooce, er, Ms. Sperm.
171. LadyBug said:
I used mrtl's link and found my Gangsta name(s):
LadyBug = Clowny Pee Hands (HUH?)
Lady Bug = Chewy tha Red Snappa
My real first name = John Cougar Mule Robba
BONUS: Deputy Dad = Machete Masta Ho Slappa (*snicker*)
172. Manda said:
She has piercing cheek bones
173. Pillow Biter said:
I like my name. Jailhouse confession: I kept trying variations of blogname/realname until I got a good one.
174. JessicaRabbit said:
Oh man, if I use JessicaRabbit my prison name is The Wanker, if I use my real name, I'm Famous Anus. I think I would rather be Famous then just some Wanker...
175. LadyBug said:
JessicaRabbit - That's funny. Maybe you could mix it up and be The Famous Anus Wanker?
Or Wanker, the Famous Anus?
Or Anus, the Famous Wanker?
Just a thought...
176. Pillow Biter said:
Famous Anus? The cookie guy?
Famous is good. Cookies are good, too. Especially in prison.
177. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Jessica, not fair! You get a cool name like Famous Anus and I get my choice of "Mouth Mangler", "Cream of Meat", or "BF Goodlick."
*sniff* I want my anus to be famous, too.
178. Pillow Biter said:
Bucky, my husband's name comes out BF Goodlick. Will you be my husband till we get outta here?
179. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Hell, I knew I'd end up bein' somebody's husband before my time was done.
Now, where's that Gumby strap on?
180. 3 dollar bill said:
This is what i am at prisonbitch.com...
that is using my real name, i kind of like it!
181. JessicaRabbit said:
Well, I have had other parts of my body be semi-famous but, well, not my butt.
I think mixing them up would prolly be a good start so maybe I should go with, Famous Jessica the Anus Wanker.
Yes? Yes?
182. JessicaRabbit said:
Bucky, Cream of Meat? Really? Oh man, I am so totally calling you that from now on. I'll be all smooth and like, Hey whats up Cream? Hows my main meat?
Hey, Nick is Nappy Hole so dont feel too bad.
183. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Nappy Hole...um, may I suggest Nair?
I kinda like Famous Jessica the Anus Wanker. It has a nice, um, ring to it, and you could abbreviate:
FJAW.
Going home now, all you prison bitches!
signed,
Cream of Meat, aka BF Goodlick, aka BF Dodgewrench
184. JessicaRabbit said:
Nair on a Nappy hole, now that sounds scary. The burning! The rotten egg smell, and that nair smells bad too...
FJAW huh. Hmmmm sorta like the J.LO of prison. Watch out bitches here comes the F.Jaw awww yeah.
I think I can live with it.
185. lawbrat said:
OMG...my 'prison bitch' names are:
real name... Goo Gobbler
Lawbrat... backroom baller
WTF? Both sexual names....
keep that broom stick away from me!!
186. rich said:
Sister got that Dorthy Hamil look going on.
187. coskel said:
Just call me...Mayonnaise Queen!!
188. JessicaRabbit said:
Wow Lawbrat I think I would want to be the Backroom Baller before the prison Goo Gobbler anyday...
189. lawbrat said:
Im with you on that Jessica! Just call me Backroom Baller....
190. Lauri said:
About Aunt Lola . . . certainly you were wearing your "I'm blogging this" t-shirt, right???
191. Maeby said:
cheekbones to DIE for
192. Circus Kelli said:
Whoa. That is one SERIOUS looking statue.
193. Sarah said:
Dooce, thank you for the story about Aunt Lola. That was great. I wonder if she appreciates it as much?
194. southern fried girl said:
Someone.....ANYONE.....explain to me why this day is so GOD DAMN LONG? Also, remind me again why I did not marry rich so that I could be sitting my dead ass at home right now instead of here in this hell pit? Other than the whole, not being shallow thing. I want concrete answers, people.
195. kat said:
I need an Aunt Lola.
196. JessicaRabbit said:
Not being shallow is totally overrated, marry rich, party hard.
197. k rain said:
I once said, in my misguided youth, that I would marry a doctor, because I wanted to marry rich. I'm quite sure that the karma gods are laughing their asses off at me as I help put my awesome blossom husband through school... to get his PhD. In psychology.
Ah, the fates, they are hilar, are they not?
198. lawbrat said:
Marry rich....its just as easy to fall in love with a rich guy as it is a poor guy. You can learn to love him. I havent found the rich guy yet, or the love part either. So, I guess Im so not the one to answer that.
199. southern fried girl said:
I married a fireman. A noble profession. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? Oh, and get this, a fireman with a greedy ass ex-wife and two kids to support. (The ex is greedy, not the kids.) My second husband will be rich and sans baggage. The current husband totally understands. I told him I would hook him up with a chick with some $$$ with big boobies. I mean, it's only fair.
200. gadgetgirl said:
Lordy, I love your Aunt Lola!
-gg
201. k rain said:
southern fried girl - you are certainly a better person than I. I would keep the boob job for myself.
202. southern fried girl said:
K -
So not noble. I already have a rack that is such a giant pain in the ass. Trust me, if I could loan them out to girls who are not as "blessed" I SO WOULD. Not even loan - give give give. Y'all can have the bras with straps so big in the back that it requires four hook thingies. How come well hung men do not have to wear undies with big fat straps????
203. CanadianAmy said:
lol southern fried, hookin up hubby with a rich boobie lady....every guys dream.
204. Tommy Himself said:
First?
205. Big Gay Sam said:
Hook him up with me. I have big ol' boobies. There's hair on 'em but I can always shave.
:op
206. k rain said:
southern - isn't it true? The grass is always greener and all that. Imagine life as a surfboard. That's me.
207. ginnderella said:
she looks very, verrrry mormon.
208. LT said:
southern fried girl - AMEN! from one big boobed girl to another... I feel your pain.
209. CanadianAmy said:
My sister has boobs the size of her head and she always says she has to hire contractors to build a bra for them.
210. AndreaBT said:
Real name: Fudge Sucker
Internet name: The One-Eyed Ogre???
Pretty funny, since second is based on the first.
211. POKEY said:
I'm hung like a horse.
212. jb said:
Southern Fried - well the day that they invent being able to give them away call me up!!! Haha
213. joot said:
zion, is that one of them thar planets they have in moron? zion, moron, i get all them planets confused with mormon. and why on earth would a religion have a place called MORON? now that's asking for it.
214. Stay-at-home DAD said:
Good for Lola! If only she could relax and enjoy the freedom!
215. Henryk_ said:
Happy Tuesday to all of youse!
216. Henryk_ said:
Lola.......is that like in...L O L A Lola!
217. HarryR said:
I met her in a club down in old Soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola
See-oh-el-aye cola
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said Lola
El-oh-el-aye Lola la-la-la-la Lola
218. Lindsay said:
Re: post and thus clicking the link to the pictures of the dog dressed up thus the 27-week old pregnant stomach...
...that's what I look like after a hearty sized burrito.
That should be cause for concern, no?
219. Stacey said:
Poor baby Chuck. I keep my cousins away from my dog. My pup's patient, but those little monsters can cause severe mental anguish.
220. JessicaRabbit said:
The best puppies are pillow puppies, but princess puppies work pretty good too. You should totally dress them in matching outfits for halloween. I bet it would be the talk of the neighborhood.
221. EyeDigress said:
Hopefully, you were just throwing any old food in there....but raisins are toxic for dogs. If not then no more raisins for Chuck.
222. Mari said:
Run, Chuck, Run! She can't keep up!
223. jp said:
That poor, poor dog. The sacrifices for human contact. That is one good dog, I can't believe he hasn't taken a tiny pudgy finger off yet. Sister Zion looks like my mother, cold and harsh. She needs a hug.
224. HarryR said:
Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola, la la la la Lola
Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my Lola, la la la la Lola, la la la la Lola
225. jp said:
well pokey I am sure gumby doesn't complain.
226. Jim said:
Am I missing something here. Is this the official announcement that you are taking another stab at motherhood?
227. jp said:
boobs suck, I hate mine. I'm small everywhere except there and everyone just assumes there fake. Listen people if I paid for these you better believe they would not fall to my waist when I set them free!
228. RazDreams said:
Jim (#226): well, dooce will be the Big 30 on July 19th, so maybe they're tryin' to make a baby before then. but i highly doubt it. if i were dooce, i'd *totally* want to drink like an alkie on my 30th birthday (hell, i DID!!!).
229. CanadianAmy said:
Yeah Raz! go get em!
I was preggers on my thirtieth. It sucked for funness.
but I made up for it eventually.
230. RazDreams said:
oh, and i believe jon will be 40 just shortly thereafter (a week or so?), so methinks there will be parties and drinking and booze and dancing with-ya-hands-in-da-air-like-ya-just-don't-care and, um, some more booze. and no kids. can't wait for the pictures.
231. jp said:
I am going to be 30 in six days....weep, sniff, my husband says to me you can get a sitter if you want. What do you want to do? How hard is it to plan something just once in the eleven years we have been together? I am just going to crawl up in a chair with my friends jose cuervo and jack daniels and cry.
232. donni said:
darn. the chain has been broken.
233. RazDreams said:
and my prison bitch name is Jizz Mouth. kewl.
but my PORN name is even kewler: Ginger Ruby. i love it. (your first pet's name plus the name of the street you grew up on)
234. Ev said:
My sister-in-law's sweet, very passive, never-in-her-12-years-was aggressive dog bit her two-year-old daughter's face. The child had just finally harassed the dog once too often. You can deliver up the offending dog to the meat grinder afterward, but that won't undo the need for plastic surgery, or worse. Dogs DO attack children sometimes, you know. Dogs who have been a loving part of the family. Really.
235. coskel said:
Raz Dreams:
How about this one - my porn name is Missy Fox.
!!
236. jp said:
my porn name is susie first. first to what you ask?
237. lawbrat said:
I came close to being arrested on my 30th. Something about police not liking people to go swimming in park pool at 3am after drinking yourself silly. Climbing over the 1 story fence was a feat in itself. When we were busted, there were 3 police cars, surrounding the pool, all turned on their lights at the same time. We WENT UNDER WATER. Yeah, because then they couldnt see us.
238. jp said:
lawbrat you are so invited to my party!
239. RazDreams said:
oh, jp (#231): grrrl, i'm hugging you. either he's trickin' you, or else we'll all have to come over there, take you out on a "school night," and get you buck-nekkid drunk. 30! you tell that man he *BEST* be planning something, or we'll haveta come take care of bidniz for him. ;-) (i'm talkin' all gangsta like i know what i'm doing)
240. lawbrat said:
YEAH! I love parties!
241. jp said:
Thanks for the support. I mean I took his ass to cirque de solei, and a way too expensive "bistro" and now I have to get my own sitter! If he fails to do anything he might just get served for his birthday!
242. Candy Frazier said:
That's my porn name. Not bad, huh?
I'm very glad that Chuckles is good with Leta. We had to get rid of (give to a friend) our dog we'd had for 10 years when our daughter was 10 months old. It was terribly sad, but necessary.
lawbrat, what a wild, wet 30-year-old you were:)
CanAmy, I stopped to visit you, but could not comment, on account of comments sucking today, so 1)hi there, and 2)I swiped that red shoes picture; so wonderful, I had to get it and look at it more closely. Hope that's OK.
Oh, I'm Susie.
243. RazDreams said:
gosh, you guys' porn names are *so* way better than mine. i wonder what dooce's is. i mean, ginger is cool. but FOX is way better. and FIRST...well, FIRST is just primal. i want that porn name.
my 30th was spent in new orleans at a fine restaurant and then at a casino...then sex. it was all good. (yes, i knew the guy beforehand.)
244. ginnderella said:
When I was a 2-year-old satan baby, I stuck a screwdriver up our doberman's nose. And he just SAT there.
245. jp said:
lawbrat I don't need to turn 30 to party. I have been kicked out of too many bars and almost arrested for rolling the neighbors and then took pictures and posted them online and that was last month.
246. Susie said:
ginnderella, I'm so glad you said "nose."
247. jp said:
me too...
248. lawbrat said:
It was quite a 30th. I'm going to be 33 this summer....now how do I top 30?
249. lawbrat said:
JP, whats 'rolling the neighbors'
250. jp said:
we had two kittens and my son would pile them on the couch and roll around on them. They would just lay there and look at me begging for one last breath. Needless to say I had to send them to a better home. Hopefully there on a farm chasing wild mice through a field of flower.
251. lawbrat said:
Pistons are down by 13. Figures. When its on TV, and I actually get the channel...their down. PISTONS, SCORE SOME POINTS
252. Susie said:
well, lawbrat, whatever you do, you'll have to attract at least 4 police cars OR maybe a SWAT team...
253. jp said:
toilet paper!
254. Susie said:
um, OK, here's a roll, jp... (WTF?)
255. jj said:
lawbrat asked what I meant by rolling the neighbors.
256. lawbrat said:
Poor kitties. Susie, if I do that now, I may not be able to be a member of the bar. It was difficult to try to explain the 30th b-day tickets, and I may have to explain it again when I apply to the bar. I so have to be on my best behaviour.
257. jp said:
jp
258. lawbrat said:
jp...your neighbors! at least go down the block for crying out loud!
259. RazDreams said:
"rolling" means taking a roll of toilet paper (or two, or three!) and rolling them around and around trees and bushes and posts and whatever-the-hell-else is in the yard that toilet paper can roll around. *THEN*, when it gets all wet and gross, it's virtually impossible to get off. a total pain. KEWL!!!
260. Susie said:
ok, jp, gotcha now.
lawbrat, we'll have to keep thinking about how you can top the big 3-0
261. lawbrat said:
That was a fun night. It was a horrible 3 weeks until that. It was hard turning 30. Now, its all good. I dont look 30, people think my oldest is my younger brother...Im lovin that!
262. jp said:
I am so smitten with Paul from home makeover! He is so cute and sweet!
263. jp said:
I have been depressed for weeks too. My only saving grace is that I have yet to order an alcholic beverage and not be carded. So I guess I can weep when that stops. I didn't roll the direct neighbors it was a bunch of houses all over the neighborhood. Ahh to be young again...
264. lawbrat said:
too funny jp.(the rolling) Its good to still get carded. After THE DAY, it gets better. I promise! Just drink alot, then drink some more. It will be over before you know it.
265. jp said:
Cute hunter lawbrat. To bad there is no pic of the older one, but at least we know who your favorite is! ;)
266. lawbrat said:
LOL Thanks jp. He's my little hellion angel. I need pics of my oldest one. Good reason to buy a digital camera!
267. jp said:
Oh, I plan to start the morning with mimosas and not even know what I am drinking when I pass out. The last time I did that I woke up at the bottom of the stairs naked wearing cowboy boots. I'm thinking I had a good time!
268. RazDreams said:
lawbrat and canadianamy: loving your blogs...really. and jp, as for paul from home makeover...well, wayne newton is on 'seventh heaven' hold me back.
269. lawbrat said:
naked, bottom of stairs, cowboy boots. Where was your horse?
270. jp said:
you best be kidding raz cause if your a wayniac I just spit pepsi out of my nose.
271. jp said:
riding into the sunset!
272. lawbrat said:
Thanks Raz.
jp, that must have been one happy horse
273. jp said:
actually I met this girl and we were doing belly shots and she was kind enough to bring me home, the next thing I know my husband was standing at the top of the stairs asking what I was doing. I got hot and still don't know how I got the jeans off over the boots!
274. lawbrat said:
LOL! too funny jp. That must have been one hell of a night!
275. RazDreams said:
i'm kiddin' about being a wayniac, but *damn!* i'm not kidding about belly shots with a hot chic and cowboy boots and nuthin' else!!! ;-)
seriously, though, i say we all have mimosas and wear cowboy boots on jp's 30th, in memorandum of her hubby being in really big trouble.
276. lawbrat said:
HERE,HERE!! Im in!
277. RazDreams said:
and lawbrat, i am *so hugging you* after reading your blog. you're not alone, grrrl. you just happen to have kiddos to care for in this madness we call 'life.' i know i couldn't do it. i'll be 33 in...nine months. i wish i had kiddos, but i know God held them back for a reason.
278. lawbrat said:
Raz, thank you so much! I appreciate that. I love hugs.
279. RazDreams said:
oh, man, i love me. i *so* put "raz dreams" in the prison bitch name generator, and i got..."chin painter." i think i'll make a t-shirt that says "CHIN PAINTER" on it. or, when i put "raspberry dreams," i got "bung boy." i truly can't decide which t-shirt to wear to jp's 30th birthday party at the YMCA!!! ;-)
280. LadyBug said:
Oh God, Dooce, the post about Leta and Chuck is priceless. The kids are asleep, and I was trying _so hard_ not to laugh loud enough to wake them up.
Thanks once again for the giggles.
281. lawbrat said:
I got: goo gobbler with my real name, and backroom baller with lawbrat....I like yours better Raz! Can we all wear 'chin painter' t-shirts?
282. Dang Cold.. said:
Evening Gang. I'll bet I'm the only one that thinks that statue looks like Julie Andrews in Sound O' Music? She sure looks upset about something.
Poor chuck. He may run off and join the circus if he keeps putting up with Leta :(
283. RazDreams said:
we may all wear 'chin painter' t-shrts to jp's big 30th (cowboy boots *NOT* optional) if - and only if - LadyBug tells us how to make italics on this here comments section.
284. lawbrat said:
I didnt see the resemblence...I also havent seen 'the sound of music'. Maybe thats why. Hmmmm.
Chuck will soon learn the art of 'dodging Leta'. Dogs learn that quickly with mobile children. So do cats. So do parents.
285. lawbrat said:
So, pants are optional then?
286. Optional Pants said:
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE...
287. RazDreams said:
yes. pants are optional. cowboy boots are not. neither are mimosas or jello shots. and, if you're over 30, you must bring your best "i got drunk and did somethin' really stupid" story.
288. lawbrat said:
I just posted that one on my blog...
289. LadyBug said:
Sorry, RazDreams, I was catching up on comments and just now got to yours.
_underline_ makes italics
*asterisk* makes bold
290. RazDreams said:
ooooooooo, i *know* about the asterisk, but the _underlining_ i'm totally new to. KEWL. thanks a bunch, ladybug.
291. LadyBug said:
You're ever-so-welcome, Raz.
292. Liz in Maryland said:
This comment will be buried, but I have to let you know that raisins (and grapes,) are extrememly toxic to dogs and can send them into kidney failure.
293. RazDreams said:
okay. so, lawbrat's 33rd birthday is july 18th, dooce's *30th* is july 19th, and jp's _30th_ is in six whole days. i say we get drunk right now and sober up after jon turns 40. will my life look less SUCKY in four months?! ;-)
294. RazDreams said:
...liz (#292): and chocolate too. but raisins and grapes make me regular. and chocolate makes me (horny). i'm positive that dogs don't get the same effects though. unless we're talking about my *ex-*, in which case i'm sorry none of that sent him into kidney failure... _sigh_
295. RazDreams said:
* _i love italics and may start to use them ad nauseum_ *
296. Dr. Johnny Fever said:
Word up, Dooce peeps. What'd I miss today?
297. RazDreams said:
dr. fever: um, prison, porn, poop. what else is new???
298. Ben said:
I thought Mormons frawned upon short hair?
299. DeAnn said:
I don't know, Ben, but my grandma is about the Mormonest Mormon I know and she has had short hair since I can remember.
So, I think not.
300. RazDreams said:
not 'down there' they don't...