Holy shit...I never post but today I noticed there are NO COMMENTS as of yet. That will surely change once I finish my rambling about being first so here goes! Fabulous pic.
this is a scary statue to scare mormons into staying mormons. (hee)
remember: coffee is a sin.
03.28.05 - 07:05 AM
30. Dazed & Confuzed said:
She could REALLY stand do so something a little different with her hair...and her skin is a little waxy. I'm thinking "makeover". Bucky, you bring the Dutch Boy, I'll get the spackle and a putty knife....
a photo of a statue. who is the artist? i believe its a collaboration of sorts, and an interesting one considering that (I assume from previous photos) the sculptor was a Mormon, creating art to support that belief, and Heather is a recovering Mormon, and taking a photo to explore her past and how it has affected her present. a study of a Mormon artist by a former Mormon artist. the sculpture and the photo are beautiful, but i think the dialouge between the sculptor and the photographer is what makes the photo so interesting. the angle and framing of the picture and the expression on the woman's face. the mark of the sculptor's fingers on the woman's flesh and the colors and shades of the photograph. these are all part of the dynamic. this is one of my favorite photos of yours heather. thanks for your website, for sharing your work and life.
At first I'm thinking, she's strong with her *literally* chiseled features. And then I'm like oooo, she's got one of those subterranean zits you can't pop on her cheek. A gargantuan one!
oh, my bad. "prison bitch" name. And in the name of pathological honesty, I have used the aforementioned word in private emails, which I guess is still "on the internet," but this has been the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time in "public." That is all.
SUSIE! Piss guzzler? User of "fuck" multiple times?
Dear sweet gawd, what kind of people are my friends here? Susie, why you look at me like that? Like your prison bitch?
Sister Fist Fucker. Hold me, Greenie, I'm so very afraid...
greenie, it's the chocolate and ham. The combination will do it every time.
BTW, I made the asparagus wrapped in ham, etc., and I used the "accessory" from mamaramma's suggestion -- tied the little bites with strips of green spring onion. They went like HOTCAKES! (Or like asparagus wrapped in prosciutto & cream cheese & tied with spring onion). Thank you both. People LOVED them:)
mrtl will kindly perform the service of providing you with your "prison bitch" name if you visit her. Hers is Piss Guzzler; my own is Pillow Biter, thank you very much.
Yea, Bucky, like you've never had three in one morning.
Sister Zion's gangsta name is Old Dirty Pee Hands. (I looked through them all, trying to find something befitting her demure nature, but the closest to that I could find was "Jay Jay the Clown."
Too funny Greenie - There was a kid at my old office... he had what we called his Receptacle. (he didn't know her last name and only or saw her on the weekends for sex)
I would say something about pre-100 being a rarity these days, but that would be far too cliche. Instead, I'll say that that's one scary lady. She looks like a shape-shifter.
...
Which brings up a good question, what *do* shape-shifters look like?
ohmygod, no visible panty lines on Aunt Lola!
How does one "forget" to put on underpants? Do you reckon Aunt Lola was just takin' a walk on the wild side?
And, I will probably be so sorry I asked this, why would she be physically uncomfortable without her panties?
(I almost don't want to know the answer, and I almost do, y'know?)
only on dooce could this board go from Sister in Zion to the asparugus recipie to prison bitch names and going commando in under 200 comments.
Happy Monday all!! Slap-happiness will ensue. mrtl, thanks for the boredatwork.com. You know, I didnt' have QUITE enough time-killers what with losing my mind and starting a blog of my very own this weekend.
And I thought the rule was that we all have to have an Aunt Shirley somewhere.
greenie, I have an old photograph of a still; that's not a still photo, you know'm sayin'? It belonged to my grandfather or my great-g. Hell, you really are my brother.
I think that's a rather nice photo. The cast looks glum, but at the same time incredibly confident. I apologize for not having anything witty to add to these comments.
Hey Susie: Is it me or does asparagus make your pee smell funny?
I did the same recipe yesterday and now I've noticed this phenomenon.
03.28.05 - 09:02 AM
111. Suzy said:
My mom had that haircut in the 80s. Now I know her inspiration.
03.28.05 - 09:03 AM
112. Ev said:
Heather,
I have to thank you for your Aunt Lola story. It had me laughing so hard I was crying at my desk. My coworkers must think I'm crazy. And the photo is lovely.
03.28.05 - 09:03 AM
113. Kim said:
Aunt Lola just about made me pee in my panties. YES, I have mine on today. I have forgotten to brush my teeth but forget my underwear. That is obviously one busy woman!! Thanks for sharing that one dooce!!!
hi, laurenbove. Those appetizers did not make my pee smell funny. However, my making them, using greenie's recipe, DID make HIS pee smell funny. I'm scratchin' my head...
03.28.05 - 09:06 AM
115. Amanda said:
haha... great story! :) thanks for always making me laugh
"interesting [...] considering that [...] the sculptor was a Mormon, creating art to support that belief, and Heather is a recovering Mormon, and taking a photo to explore her past and how it has affected her present. A study of a Mormon artist by a former Mormon artist."
"the dialouge between the sculptor and the photographer is what makes the photo so interesting."
I didn't think much about the photo at first because being a mormon (recovering) myself I've seen the statue so often in trips to Utah that it's artistic value is almost lost on me. Looking at it from that new perspective really opens things up.
I must admit that I have forgotten my panties before. And even more often a bra; my little guys don't need much support. Just a friendly "GOOOOO BOOBIES" every morning.
Those didn't used to spook me out as a child, but now I'm kinda trippin balls about the statues around temple square.
Maybe its the guilt of being raised a Big Fat Momo, and then finding myself in a crowded bar every weekend on Sunset and La Cienega singing primary songs.
Nathan - that's cool! I can smell cappucino frozen yogurt in my pee. Now that I know that it's a special gift, I will only use it for the purpose of good, not evil.
I've never forgotten panties before. I have put them on inside out, though. Didn't notice till I was at work. Hey, 5:30 is pretty early in the morning to be paying attention to that kind of detail.
Greenie,
I hope you get well soon. In the mean time to sooth the scratchy windpipe:
Chamomile tea
1 shot bourbon of your choice
spoonful of honey
squirt of lemon juice
mix together, drink while hot.
Repeat as neccesary, however I will not be held resposnible for any abberrant behavior. I was going to post this on your website, but it wouldn't let me.
*shudder* Just finished reading "Under the Banner of Heaven"....looks like she has a little bit of fundamentalist in her.....looks like she could beat you to death with a rake....
Hey susie: I've looked it up and apparently people used to think that some folks had the funny smelling pee and some did not (after eating sulfur containing asparagus) come to find out that everyone makes the funny smelling pee after eating, just that some noses cannot detect it.
Bucky, I am indeed one with the pee-smelling gene. While I don't particularly care for the smell of asparagus pee, I do like coffee pee, or more specifically, Haagendaaz coffee ice cream pee.
Remembering a compliment from high school: "Honey, I'd drink a whole tub of yo baaaathwatah. I'd drink a whole gallon of yo pee to see whar it come frum."
Oh man, if I use JessicaRabbit my prison name is The Wanker, if I use my real name, I'm Famous Anus. I think I would rather be Famous then just some Wanker...
JessicaRabbit - That's funny. Maybe you could mix it up and be The Famous Anus Wanker?
Or Wanker, the Famous Anus?
Or Anus, the Famous Wanker?
Just a thought...
Bucky, Cream of Meat? Really? Oh man, I am so totally calling you that from now on. I'll be all smooth and like, Hey whats up Cream? Hows my main meat?
Dooce, thank you for the story about Aunt Lola. That was great. I wonder if she appreciates it as much?
03.28.05 - 01:25 PM
194. southern fried girl said:
Someone.....ANYONE.....explain to me why this day is so GOD DAMN LONG? Also, remind me again why I did not marry rich so that I could be sitting my dead ass at home right now instead of here in this hell pit? Other than the whole, not being shallow thing. I want concrete answers, people.
I once said, in my misguided youth, that I would marry a doctor, because I wanted to marry rich. I'm quite sure that the karma gods are laughing their asses off at me as I help put my awesome blossom husband through school... to get his PhD. In psychology.
Marry rich....its just as easy to fall in love with a rich guy as it is a poor guy. You can learn to love him. I havent found the rich guy yet, or the love part either. So, I guess Im so not the one to answer that.
03.28.05 - 01:41 PM
199. southern fried girl said:
I married a fireman. A noble profession. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? Oh, and get this, a fireman with a greedy ass ex-wife and two kids to support. (The ex is greedy, not the kids.) My second husband will be rich and sans baggage. The current husband totally understands. I told him I would hook him up with a chick with some $$$ with big boobies. I mean, it's only fair.
southern fried girl - you are certainly a better person than I. I would keep the boob job for myself.
03.28.05 - 01:44 PM
202. southern fried girl said:
K -
So not noble. I already have a rack that is such a giant pain in the ass. Trust me, if I could loan them out to girls who are not as "blessed" I SO WOULD. Not even loan - give give give. Y'all can have the bras with straps so big in the back that it requires four hook thingies. How come well hung men do not have to wear undies with big fat straps????
1. giggles said:
Happy Monday all!
2. moswyn said:
Freaky.
3. Dawn said:
second?
4. KellBell said:
Beautiful
5. el Greco said:
Happy Easter Monday!
6. MCR said:
Top 10?
7. KATE said:
Holy shit...I never post but today I noticed there are NO COMMENTS as of yet. That will surely change once I finish my rambling about being first so here goes! Fabulous pic.
8. Jenyn said:
It looks like her eyes are following the camera. Weird.
9. southern fried girl said:
Odd picture but I am so exhausted from coming back to work after a long weekend that perhaps it is just me.
10. Chris said:
I think I like the thumbnail better than the full picture.
11. LB said:
Very interesting site and daily photos.
12. indigopyro said:
wow... delurking to be in the top 10! i love your writing heather... keep up the wonderful humor :)
13. Tracie said:
Top Ten! Yay!
14. Suki said:
Interesting. Not a big fan of statues, though.
15. giggles said:
Thank you for the pics and stories Heather!
I loved the girls-weekend-out and of course all the Leta stories and pics!
Hope you and your family had a lovely Easter!
16. kdog said:
First time to comment and in the top 10??? Love ya dooce. Happy Easter belated!
17. Dr. Johnny Fever said:
Looks like the mom from Little House On The Prarie.
18. Danielle said:
strange lady
19. Tracie said:
OK, maybe not- when I typed the comment, there was only 1 showing! My, we do love us some Dooce!
20. Anita said:
Top 20!
21. Natalie said:
She looks like she's made out of clay. Frea-kay.
22. Sherri Jackson said:
So, can you like rub her pokey cheekbone for good luck or something?
That is her cheekbone right? Or maybe it's a Lance Armstrong?
23. story girl said:
It looks a little like Dooce.
24. Leah said:
Those eyes!
25. Sherri said:
Man, I hate stupid auto fill on my computer. I keep forgetting to turn it off.
I'm just Sherri, I don't need to stinkin' last name, man.
26. Reluctant Superstar said:
What, does everyone have their Easter hangover today?
27. Ana said:
What a family!
28. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
What? Cyster in Zion?
Just don't point that shit at me.
29. heather deeeee said:
this is a scary statue to scare mormons into staying mormons. (hee)
remember: coffee is a sin.
30. Dazed & Confuzed said:
She could REALLY stand do so something a little different with her hair...and her skin is a little waxy. I'm thinking "makeover". Bucky, you bring the Dutch Boy, I'll get the spackle and a putty knife....
31. saidi said:
whoa top 30!
32. kieran said:
What did one Statue say to the other statue in the dark..."HEY STAT YOU?"
HAHAHAHAH
33. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Dazed - no spackling over the nipples this time.
And I don't just mean the statue.
34. mrtl said:
I'd ask what she's supposed to be looking at, but I'm just glad she's not looking at me. That always creaps me out.
35. Dazed & Confuzed said:
Dammit Bucky, I make ONE MISTAKE with some spackle, a garden rake and a goat and I hear about for the rest of my life.
36. keely said:
a photo of a statue. who is the artist? i believe its a collaboration of sorts, and an interesting one considering that (I assume from previous photos) the sculptor was a Mormon, creating art to support that belief, and Heather is a recovering Mormon, and taking a photo to explore her past and how it has affected her present. a study of a Mormon artist by a former Mormon artist. the sculpture and the photo are beautiful, but i think the dialouge between the sculptor and the photographer is what makes the photo so interesting. the angle and framing of the picture and the expression on the woman's face. the mark of the sculptor's fingers on the woman's flesh and the colors and shades of the photograph. these are all part of the dynamic. this is one of my favorite photos of yours heather. thanks for your website, for sharing your work and life.
37. red said:
SCARY!
38. darling nikki said:
At first I'm thinking, she's strong with her *literally* chiseled features. And then I'm like oooo, she's got one of those subterranean zits you can't pop on her cheek. A gargantuan one!
39. RazDreams said:
do i see a boogie in her nose?
40. Jen in Boston said:
Is that a picture of you, Dooce? Wa ha ha ha!
41. Susie said:
lucky you, mrtl. She's looking at ME. The eyes are following me. As I go to get my breakfast of chocolate and ham.
42. romy said:
that eye is a little bit creepy. great picture, though.
43. mrtl said:
Hey Pillow Biter (aka Susie), she's saying, "Gimme some of that ham, biznitch!" I wonder what her name is; we could look up her prison name.
44. mrtl said:
Dooce's is "Howard Sperm," by the way.
45. Mamaramma said:
She could use some moisturizer.
Good morning.
46. christy said:
I would be mad if I had to have that haircut for all eternity, too.
47. Susie said:
Piss Guzzler, what do you get when you type in Sister in Zion or some such?
48. Susie said:
Mornin', Mamaramma!
49. mrtl said:
This is going to cost me a dollar, but what the hell. "Sister Zion" is "Fist Fucker" (56).
50. Susie said:
L, almost OL. There she is, Sister Fist Fucker.
51. greenthumb said:
Morning...she looks just the women of her time had to be...hard and fierce. You would be too if you had to contend with 15 other wives.
52. Em said:
Purty. And regal!
53. Susie said:
greenie, you'd be hard and fierce, too, if your "inmate" name was Sister Fist Fucker.
And I think that this is the occasion of my first, second, and now soon to be third, use of the word "fuck" on the internet. No applause necessary.
54. mrtl said:
Susie, you'll drop an F-bomb thrice but won't say "prison bitch"?
55. Susie said:
oh, my bad. "prison bitch" name. And in the name of pathological honesty, I have used the aforementioned word in private emails, which I guess is still "on the internet," but this has been the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time in "public." That is all.
56. kalki said:
OMG, Sister Fist Fucker! It's rather poetic, really.
(Susie, I'm clapping for you.)
57. greenthumb said:
Susie, did you get to much religion or is that the chocolate talking. You're in rare form this morning and it's not even 8a.m. here.
58. Susie said:
dink ooo, dink ooo, kalki
59. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
SUSIE! Piss guzzler? User of "fuck" multiple times?
Dear sweet gawd, what kind of people are my friends here? Susie, why you look at me like that? Like your prison bitch?
Sister Fist Fucker. Hold me, Greenie, I'm so very afraid...
60. Susie said:
greenie, it's the chocolate and ham. The combination will do it every time.
BTW, I made the asparagus wrapped in ham, etc., and I used the "accessory" from mamaramma's suggestion -- tied the little bites with strips of green spring onion. They went like HOTCAKES! (Or like asparagus wrapped in prosciutto & cream cheese & tied with spring onion). Thank you both. People LOVED them:)
61. mrtl said:
Bucky - http://www.prisonbitchname.com/
62. Susie said:
mrtl will kindly perform the service of providing you with your "prison bitch" name if you visit her. Hers is Piss Guzzler; my own is Pillow Biter, thank you very much.
Yea, Bucky, like you've never had three in one morning.
63. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
OK, if I type in my real name, my prison bitch name is Mouth-Mangler.
If I type in Bucky Four-Eyes then it's BF Goodlick.
Truth be told, though, if we go to prison, I'm makin' all o' YOU my prison bitches, so I don't think I'll be needin' this name. ;)
64. greenthumb said:
Glad to hear that the suggestions worked out. It must of looked very spring like with the colors too.
(strokes Bucky) S'okay lil'Buck, big Greenie here and let's be honest, Ain't nothin or nobawdy you can't handle round here.
65. Mamaramma said:
Susie - Glad they went over well! That sounds delicious. Bites of asparagus are generally much more tempting than bites of pillow.
66. Susie said:
BF Goodlick. I like it.
67. mrtl said:
Sister Zion's gangsta name is Old Dirty Pee Hands. (I looked through them all, trying to find something befitting her demure nature, but the closest to that I could find was "Jay Jay the Clown."
68. greenthumb said:
OMG!!!!
Green Thumb="The Receptacle"
69. The other Paula said:
Her hair is stiff and unmoving, too much Aqua net perhaps?
70. mrtl said:
Too funny Greenie - There was a kid at my old office... he had what we called his Receptacle. (he didn't know her last name and only or saw her on the weekends for sex)
71. Susie said:
But she LOOKS like Sister FF. It's so HER.
72. Torrie said:
DOROTHY HAMILL!
73. kalki said:
I agree. She may be wearingn a bun, but she's one tough bitch. I don't think she could take Bucky, but it would be close...
74. Jennifer in Kansas City said:
Wow, and I thought *I/* clenched my jaw.
75. August95 said:
Be afraid, be very afraid.
76. LadyBug said:
That woman definitely has the pissed-off expression of someone raising 172 children, and married to a man with 6 other wives.
77. francey said:
dude... #77!
78. Nathan Logan said:
I would say something about pre-100 being a rarity these days, but that would be far too cliche. Instead, I'll say that that's one scary lady. She looks like a shape-shifter.
...
Which brings up a good question, what *do* shape-shifters look like?
79. Seven said:
She had a bad rhinoplasty...
80. TulsaOkie said:
Very Stoic.
I know I'm a bit slow, but I'm glad the daily pictures are back and that comments are open. I missed them both!
81. k rain said:
Hrmph. Well, I actually could have been first this morning. Damnit.
82. Terri said:
Great shot.
LMAO at your aunt. Going commando at Easter?
83. jordan said:
My friend's mom used to cut her hair just like that when we were little.
She would make her stand on the front porch in her underwear, put a bowl on her head, and cut around it.
I'm completely serious.
84. Torrie said:
I hate underwear.
Freedom!
85. Susie said:
Her name was LOLA,
she was a showgirl...
86. LadyBug said:
Your post about Aunt Lola makes me want to shout "OF UNDERPANTS!!!!"
87. mrtl said:
Would Aunt Lola done be pissed if she knew how public her worst nightmare has become?
88. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
ohmygod, no visible panty lines on Aunt Lola!
How does one "forget" to put on underpants? Do you reckon Aunt Lola was just takin' a walk on the wild side?
And, I will probably be so sorry I asked this, why would she be physically uncomfortable without her panties?
(I almost don't want to know the answer, and I almost do, y'know?)
89. Susie said:
Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
why she walks like a woman and talks like a man
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
90. Susie said:
Aunt Lola and her unencumbered parts just make me feel like singin'!
91. mrtl said:
The evil part of me wants to look up Lola's prison bitch name. Hamilton?
92. Torrie said:
My mom used to sing this song to me:
"I see London, I see France. I see Torrie's underpants"
It explains a lot about my dementia, no?
93. greenthumb said:
Why don't we have names like that anymore? Lola, I want an Aunt Lola. I had a Great Grandma Lula and G.G. Lemuel...Lem and Lula.
94. Susie said:
Lem and Lula sound like characters from the Andy Griffith show. The episode where Lula's twin sister Lola visits on Easter without her underdrawers.
95. southern fried girl said:
Thank God someone's family sounds as fucked up as mine is.
96. GEORGE! said:
No undies? That's Lola's worst nightmare?
I'm a little disappointed, I would have suspected more from her.
97. Susie said:
GEORGE!!!! That's just the beginning of the nightmare. Some things, Aunt Lola just doesn't speak of on Easter Sunday.
Like the part where she say, "How'd you like to get your ass kicked by an Auntie with no panty?"
98. greenthumb said:
Susie...I grew up in a Mayberry-esk town. Population 1900...G.Grampa Lem was a moonshiner.
99. coskel said:
only on dooce could this board go from Sister in Zion to the asparugus recipie to prison bitch names and going commando in under 200 comments.
Happy Monday all!! Slap-happiness will ensue. mrtl, thanks for the boredatwork.com. You know, I didnt' have QUITE enough time-killers what with losing my mind and starting a blog of my very own this weekend.
And I thought the rule was that we all have to have an Aunt Shirley somewhere.
100. Susie said:
greenie, I have an old photograph of a still; that's not a still photo, you know'm sayin'? It belonged to my grandfather or my great-g. Hell, you really are my brother.
101. mrtl said:
I met someone here in Texas within the last couple years who makes her own peach hooch. That shit was Nasty.
102. greenthumb said:
kew kew..who scuffed Flash?
103. RyanH said:
I think that's a rather nice photo. The cast looks glum, but at the same time incredibly confident. I apologize for not having anything witty to add to these comments.
104. mrtl said:
You're most welcome, coskel.
105. Wicked H said:
So I am guessing this is the look of Lola while going commando.
Got it!
106. bored said:
not related to the photo - but is definitely entertaining... AND about boobs!
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/
107. stillheidi said:
really though...that is sooo funny!
108. al said:
that cheekbone is a little too prominent; she looks like the has some kind of malignant tumor blossoming beneath her granite skin
109. mihow said:
Underpants are overrated.
110. laurenbove said:
Hey Susie: Is it me or does asparagus make your pee smell funny?
I did the same recipe yesterday and now I've noticed this phenomenon.
111. Suzy said:
My mom had that haircut in the 80s. Now I know her inspiration.
112. Ev said:
Heather,
I have to thank you for your Aunt Lola story. It had me laughing so hard I was crying at my desk. My coworkers must think I'm crazy. And the photo is lovely.
113. Kim said:
Aunt Lola just about made me pee in my panties. YES, I have mine on today. I have forgotten to brush my teeth but forget my underwear. That is obviously one busy woman!! Thanks for sharing that one dooce!!!
114. Susie said:
hi, laurenbove. Those appetizers did not make my pee smell funny. However, my making them, using greenie's recipe, DID make HIS pee smell funny. I'm scratchin' my head...
115. Amanda said:
haha... great story! :) thanks for always making me laugh
116. Kassi said:
Thank goodness I do a panty check every morning.
117. Dan said:
Less architecture, more Chuck. Thanks.
118. smacks said:
another earthquake in indonesia
119. mrtl said:
smacks - thanks - damn commercial on cnn. isn't it weird that the last one was the day after Christmas?
120. smacks said:
i never thought of that! now it's the day after easter.
121. Jeff Milner said:
I absolutely loved comment #36.
"interesting [...] considering that [...] the sculptor was a Mormon, creating art to support that belief, and Heather is a recovering Mormon, and taking a photo to explore her past and how it has affected her present. A study of a Mormon artist by a former Mormon artist."
"the dialouge between the sculptor and the photographer is what makes the photo so interesting."
I didn't think much about the photo at first because being a mormon (recovering) myself I've seen the statue so often in trips to Utah that it's artistic value is almost lost on me. Looking at it from that new perspective really opens things up.
122. the niffer said:
I must admit that I have forgotten my panties before. And even more often a bra; my little guys don't need much support. Just a friendly "GOOOOO BOOBIES" every morning.
123. Melanie S. said:
You know she went to sleep last night holding her bible praying to be forgiven. Great story.
My mom told me that I was going to hell for wearing thongs because "too much of your bottom is exposed". Exposed to who? My jeans?
124. greenthumb said:
Going to the Doctor...keep it lively gang.
125. Ms. Belle said:
Who cares about a picture of "Sister in Zion" - we want to see Aunt Lola! (preferably on a better day when she IS wearing panties)...
126. Alli said:
Those didn't used to spook me out as a child, but now I'm kinda trippin balls about the statues around temple square.
Maybe its the guilt of being raised a Big Fat Momo, and then finding myself in a crowded bar every weekend on Sunset and La Cienega singing primary songs.
127. Vanessa_AR said:
Yeah, forget that photo! What's important is to keep on writin' 'bout them crazy relatives! (Sounds like some of mine.)
128. Fran said:
Am I the only one who thinks she resembles Heather, a little...
When I cover one eye with my right hand and close the other eye.
129. saralynnmo said:
Goooooo, boobies indeed.
130. Libraryhill said:
I second Ms. Belle!
131. Lisa S said:
Hey - she looks like you! Weird.
132. CanadianAmy said:
Man, I came on to comment an hour ago, and then after comment #106 I got completely absorbed in the plastic surgery of the starses.
Great stuff! Except for the Tara Reid frankenipple, which will haunt me the rest of my dayz.
133. Nathan Logan said:
The stinky asparagus pee is genetic (the stinky pee and the ability to smell it)!
Check it:
http://www.lhaven.net/index.php?url=http://www.lhaven.net/asparagus.htm
134. the niffer said:
Nathan - that's cool! I can smell cappucino frozen yogurt in my pee. Now that I know that it's a special gift, I will only use it for the purpose of good, not evil.
135. Squirl said:
I've never forgotten panties before. I have put them on inside out, though. Didn't notice till I was at work. Hey, 5:30 is pretty early in the morning to be paying attention to that kind of detail.
136. sherman said:
Aunt Lola's pretty funny.
137. Desiree said:
You live in a scary state.
138. bethy-mae said:
Greenie,
I hope you get well soon. In the mean time to sooth the scratchy windpipe:
Chamomile tea
1 shot bourbon of your choice
spoonful of honey
squirt of lemon juice
mix together, drink while hot.
Repeat as neccesary, however I will not be held resposnible for any abberrant behavior. I was going to post this on your website, but it wouldn't let me.
139. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Inside out, Squirl? With the Hello Kitty on the INSIDE of the thong?
Or was that Susie?
Either way, Hello Kitty just got a surprise.
140. god said:
DANG.
That. Lady. Done. Got. Some. Deep. Eye. Sockets.
I don't recall making any. like. that.
What's. The. Deal?
141. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Oh, wait, I know what's up with the granite fist fuckin' sister: She's got one of those damn pointy Toblerone in her cheek!
142. Big Gay Sam said:
I have nightmares about that face.
143. Nonya said:
36. Keely - Get a life
144. Chuck Balls said:
36. - Keely - Get a life.
145. Kate said:
Hi Dooce. I love your site.
146. Sailcat said:
*shudder* Just finished reading "Under the Banner of Heaven"....looks like she has a little bit of fundamentalist in her.....looks like she could beat you to death with a rake....
147. A.O.K. said:
Jesus H. Christ on a pony! Lola, put on some damn panties!
148. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Anybody know what the theme is for self-portrait day this week?
Personally, I'm partial to SPD: Head Job.
Any takers?
149. troll said:
A Big Fat who cares! Seriously, dooce has been pretty lame lately. Boring posts- asinine pictures.
150. laurenbove said:
Hey susie: I've looked it up and apparently people used to think that some folks had the funny smelling pee and some did not (after eating sulfur containing asparagus) come to find out that everyone makes the funny smelling pee after eating, just that some noses cannot detect it.
Things that make you go "Hmmmmm."
151. Sarcomical said:
wow. poor aunt lola.
if not wearing underwear is a nightmare, then i'm living a nightmare every. single. day.
to me, nothing is more of a nightmare than panty-scrunch. except for the actual word "panty". that is pretty vile.
thanks for the story! families make great blogging material!
152. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Well, I sure hope mrtl isn't one of those with the pee-smellin' gene, since she's "piss guzzler" in prison and all.
Piss guzzler. Is it daintier to be a Piss Sipper? Personally, I prefer my status as a peetotaller.
153. Pillow Biter said:
Hmmmmm
154. Piss Guzzler said:
Bucky, I am indeed one with the pee-smelling gene. While I don't particularly care for the smell of asparagus pee, I do like coffee pee, or more specifically, Haagendaaz coffee ice cream pee.
155. LadyBug said:
Oh, dear. I just checked out that prison bitch name site.
LadyBug = Dildo Head.
156. Piss Guzzler said:
Remembering a compliment from high school: "Honey, I'd drink a whole tub of yo baaaathwatah. I'd drink a whole gallon of yo pee to see whar it come frum."
157. Pillow Biter said:
This reminds me of that Amish maple-syrup urine gene. Anybody? It was in a Patricia Cornwell novel...
158. Piss Guzzler said:
Hey Dildo Head! You just made vanilla pudding come out of my nose, you prison bitch! Oh it stings.
159. Pillow Biter said:
Piss G, did you go to high school up in the holler?
160. Piss Guzzler said:
Pillow Biter, I didn't read that, but know that there is a genetic disease/disorder called Maple Syrup... Syndrome or something to that effect.
161. Piss Guzzler said:
No, Biter, but you try to say it straight.
162. Pillow Biter said:
Dildo Head, that ain't right. You need to mix it up a li'l bit: Dildo Bug or Lady Head, or Dildo Lady or Bug Head...
163. Pillow Biter said:
I would imbibe an entire gallon of your urine, just to gaze upon its source.
Yea, I see whatcher sayin'
164. LadyBug said:
Hmm...How 'bout *Lady Dildo of the Bug Head*
165. LadyBug said:
I ran my "real" name through the prison bitch name generator.
Sigh.
It was...(shaking head)...Fudge Packer.
166. Pillow Biter said:
Hey there, Fudge Lady!
167. Alex said:
while on a hiking trip, my friends and i decided that the most horrendously vile words are "panties" and "moist". Particularly in conjunction. yeurgh.
168. Torrie said:
I'll be bringing the strap-on.
-Torrie (AKA- Jailhouse Cock)
169. Pillow Biter said:
Oh, Torrie! You rock! Ever'body in the whole cellblock...
170. Piss Guzzler said:
I've created a monster. Sorry, Dooce, er, Ms. Sperm.
171. LadyBug said:
I used mrtl's link and found my Gangsta name(s):
LadyBug = Clowny Pee Hands (HUH?)
Lady Bug = Chewy tha Red Snappa
My real first name = John Cougar Mule Robba
BONUS: Deputy Dad = Machete Masta Ho Slappa (*snicker*)
172. Manda said:
She has piercing cheek bones
173. Pillow Biter said:
I like my name. Jailhouse confession: I kept trying variations of blogname/realname until I got a good one.
174. JessicaRabbit said:
Oh man, if I use JessicaRabbit my prison name is The Wanker, if I use my real name, I'm Famous Anus. I think I would rather be Famous then just some Wanker...
175. LadyBug said:
JessicaRabbit - That's funny. Maybe you could mix it up and be The Famous Anus Wanker?
Or Wanker, the Famous Anus?
Or Anus, the Famous Wanker?
Just a thought...
176. Pillow Biter said:
Famous Anus? The cookie guy?
Famous is good. Cookies are good, too. Especially in prison.
177. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Jessica, not fair! You get a cool name like Famous Anus and I get my choice of "Mouth Mangler", "Cream of Meat", or "BF Goodlick."
*sniff* I want my anus to be famous, too.
178. Pillow Biter said:
Bucky, my husband's name comes out BF Goodlick. Will you be my husband till we get outta here?
179. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Hell, I knew I'd end up bein' somebody's husband before my time was done.
Now, where's that Gumby strap on?
180. 3 dollar bill said:
This is what i am at prisonbitch.com...
that is using my real name, i kind of like it!
181. JessicaRabbit said:
Well, I have had other parts of my body be semi-famous but, well, not my butt.
I think mixing them up would prolly be a good start so maybe I should go with, Famous Jessica the Anus Wanker.
Yes? Yes?
182. JessicaRabbit said:
Bucky, Cream of Meat? Really? Oh man, I am so totally calling you that from now on. I'll be all smooth and like, Hey whats up Cream? Hows my main meat?
Hey, Nick is Nappy Hole so dont feel too bad.
183. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Nappy Hole...um, may I suggest Nair?
I kinda like Famous Jessica the Anus Wanker. It has a nice, um, ring to it, and you could abbreviate:
FJAW.
Going home now, all you prison bitches!
signed,
Cream of Meat, aka BF Goodlick, aka BF Dodgewrench
184. JessicaRabbit said:
Nair on a Nappy hole, now that sounds scary. The burning! The rotten egg smell, and that nair smells bad too...
FJAW huh. Hmmmm sorta like the J.LO of prison. Watch out bitches here comes the F.Jaw awww yeah.
I think I can live with it.
185. lawbrat said:
OMG...my 'prison bitch' names are:
real name... Goo Gobbler
Lawbrat... backroom baller
WTF? Both sexual names....
keep that broom stick away from me!!
186. rich said:
Sister got that Dorthy Hamil look going on.
187. coskel said:
Just call me...Mayonnaise Queen!!
188. JessicaRabbit said:
Wow Lawbrat I think I would want to be the Backroom Baller before the prison Goo Gobbler anyday...
189. lawbrat said:
Im with you on that Jessica! Just call me Backroom Baller....
190. Lauri said:
About Aunt Lola . . . certainly you were wearing your "I'm blogging this" t-shirt, right???
191. Maeby said:
cheekbones to DIE for
192. Circus Kelli said:
Whoa. That is one SERIOUS looking statue.
193. Sarah said:
Dooce, thank you for the story about Aunt Lola. That was great. I wonder if she appreciates it as much?
194. southern fried girl said:
Someone.....ANYONE.....explain to me why this day is so GOD DAMN LONG? Also, remind me again why I did not marry rich so that I could be sitting my dead ass at home right now instead of here in this hell pit? Other than the whole, not being shallow thing. I want concrete answers, people.
195. kat said:
I need an Aunt Lola.
196. JessicaRabbit said:
Not being shallow is totally overrated, marry rich, party hard.
197. k rain said:
I once said, in my misguided youth, that I would marry a doctor, because I wanted to marry rich. I'm quite sure that the karma gods are laughing their asses off at me as I help put my awesome blossom husband through school... to get his PhD. In psychology.
Ah, the fates, they are hilar, are they not?
198. lawbrat said:
Marry rich....its just as easy to fall in love with a rich guy as it is a poor guy. You can learn to love him. I havent found the rich guy yet, or the love part either. So, I guess Im so not the one to answer that.
199. southern fried girl said:
I married a fireman. A noble profession. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? Oh, and get this, a fireman with a greedy ass ex-wife and two kids to support. (The ex is greedy, not the kids.) My second husband will be rich and sans baggage. The current husband totally understands. I told him I would hook him up with a chick with some $$$ with big boobies. I mean, it's only fair.
200. gadgetgirl said:
Lordy, I love your Aunt Lola!
-gg
201. k rain said:
southern fried girl - you are certainly a better person than I. I would keep the boob job for myself.
202. southern fried girl said:
K -
So not noble. I already have a rack that is such a giant pain in the ass. Trust me, if I could loan them out to girls who are not as "blessed" I SO WOULD. Not even loan - give give give. Y'all can have the bras with straps so big in the back that it requires four hook thingies. How come well hung men do not have to wear undies with big fat straps????
203. CanadianAmy said:
lol southern fried, hookin up hubby with a rich boobie lady....every guys dream.
204. Tommy Himself said:
First?
205. Big Gay Sam said:
Hook him up with me. I have big ol' boobies. There's hair on 'em but I can always shave.
:op
206. k rain said:
southern - isn't it true? The grass is always greener and all that. Imagine life as a surfboard. That's me.
207. ginnderella said:
she looks very, verrrry mormon.
208. LT said:
southern fried girl - AMEN! from one big boobed girl to another... I feel your pain.
209. CanadianAmy said:
My sister has boobs the size of her head and she always says she has to hire contractors to build a bra for them.
210. AndreaBT said:
Real name: Fudge Sucker
Internet name: The One-Eyed Ogre???
Pretty funny, since second is based on the first.
211. POKEY said:
I'm hung like a horse.