youpickedafinetime@toleaveme.monkey.nut

spankyermonkey@selflove.org

kevinspaceywantstobeyourlovemonkeyamandab@pleaseletme.gov

BFE - Re post #255: Commence your pimpery of me, for henceforth I AM your bitch.

Who else is on the Elite Bitch Squad?

*They wouldn't let me join. :(*

Aw, dammit.

BFE, I meant YOUR post. #276.

Geez. Matt Damon got me all flustered!

Bucky, for a ten-spot, can I get a date with all of your elite bitches?

Awwww yeah!

Just got back from a meeting, and I'm just in time to be B4E's bitch? My lucky day! PICK ME, B4E!

BFE, I had no idea I was on the EBS. I'm touched. No, really touched, I mean, STOP TOUCHING ME LIKE THAT.

Spurious Plum - 'special occasion monkey' made me spew my DP. Hilarious.

Hmm, perhaps I should have caught up on the comments before screaming PICK ME! Did I just sign up to be a special occasion monkey? Cause if so, GROOVY.

Thanks Cathi!

One of our toilets has a really small hole (the bit connecting the bowl with the pipe, not the actual seat, that would be awful) and so I've found myself in a similar situation on a couple of occasions becasue my poos have been too big to actually fit through. If I tried to wave goodbye to them, they'd just sit there idly. I never thought of using a coat hanger, as it's not really the first implement that comes to mind when you want to break up giant rock poos. but then I failed to come up with a anything more ideal. Any ideas? I just left it there too decompose naturally, you know, let the water soften it a little. That toilet is now a no-pooping zone.

Plum, sshhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Don't let Bucky hear you say that!
We're not 'llowed to piddle without permission!

What? I'll go on the paper...I swear.

Meaning 'Hard Knock Life" would refer to a hard knowcking of boots?

When did I lose the ability to spell? KNOCKING not knowcking.

Where's the Grammar Nazi that was here earlier, anyway?

Right. And I'm pretty sure that Rainbow song is about wanting a gay pimp or somethin...

Someone call for a GAY PIMP????

I can't believe you guys are dissing Annie. I was a total Annie FREAK in grade school. I had an Annie lunch box in 2nd grade, and I even sang "Maybe" in the talent show at Girl Scout Camp. (I am so not kidding about this.)

Not dissin Annie...
I just have very few boundaries about what can be funny.

Sorry LadyBug.

Sorry LadyBug, but there's GOT to be more to that story than orphaned girls.

Ladybug, how did YOU know I was a ho in the 4th grade?

Um, Plum....word gets around, girl. And weren't you just begging Bucky to be on the EBS? I figured you musta started early.

Daddy Whorebucks.

PDaddy Whorebucks.

I sang Maybe when trying out for Lucy in a Snoopy play... wrong choice, but I blame that on my lack of a stage mother.

No, delurking aquatic life, we most certainly do not know what you are saying. Try again, please.

Ladybug, Oh no you di'int! I wasn't begging (I think that was kalki) BFE offered me a spot on the EBS.

Lets not fight, or, if we do. let's sell tickets.

I understood you perfectly, aquatic life, old friend.

Girl.A, that smell is Holy Mackeral.

Sorry kalki, you weren't begging, you were just confused about monkey choices.

Nuthin like a fruit and a bug, mackin' out.

I'll never te-ell,
It's one fish
Two fish
Red fish
Blue fish

You are so not allowed to say dead fish. That is all.

Now I have to run out and get my pussy waxed. Pits yesterday, box today.

Can I use an orangutan instead? Or is it too bg? I've got a thing for redheads.

PT, no shape.
I'ma goin virginal on his ass.

Kalki, as far as I'm concerned, You ARE an Elite Bitch.

C'mon, lets hustle off to that ninja stealth teabaging class!

Best Song Ever: RHINESTONE COWBOY

I'm lame, it's my husband's nickname for me. Not very funny, eh?

(personally, I'd prefer plum. it's a sensuous-sounding fruit)

nah, during sex I'm just lipton.

And plums aren't? they're juicy and nicely shaped and you just take a big ol bite out of them - THAT'S hot!

wanna swap nicknames for tonight?

Yikes, sorry Plum! And I believe someone once said that getting dooced for dooce is receiving the A-1 treatment (or something like that)!

I thought getting Dooced for Doocing had been dubbed "Dooced by proxy."

Hmmm, maybe it was "dooced by proxy" before it was "A-1 treatment." I just remember that same question coming up last week and someone (probably Bucky since she's A-1 obsessed) making a joke about getting the A-1 treatment. We need a dooce comments glossary!!

i'm so glad you guys cleared up the matter on the "groundhog phone call"...i kept thinking that dooce didn't know that groundhog's day was on february 2nd, not march 2nd.

now i feel like the DOrk.

Great entry about "Groundhog day phone call", I always wondered what it would be like to be you and get the same questions over and over, and be pegged the exact same way in the press. It has to be very frustrating sometimes.

My monkey is well-trimmed. I'd prefer a naked monkey, I think, but I live in fear of pain. Tell me, KBBAW, can my monkey handle the pain?

Mebbe he needed to floss?

kalki - actually it's not too bad. better than i'd thought it'd be. i was horrified the first time. it's ok.

I keep the underside of my monkey shaved and the rest trim. I don't like having a bald monkey because its itchy when its growing in.

Kalki, you can't be afraid to shave the monkey. Your monkey is screaming to be shaved!!! And like JP said, your man won't need a toothpick after giving the monkey a bath. Canadian Amy, you are so right that regrowth can be awful! It gets all itchy and scratchy and feels prickly. You have to use a really sharp razor (Gillette Venus is great) and some shaving lotion with aloe in it. Always use some sort of moisturizer on the monkey so the monkey's hair stays soft, and not hard and prickly, so in case of regrowth, it won't hurt. And EVERY DAY THE MONKEY MUST BE SHAVED! Now, the monkey's lips are harder.

YES! very gentle with the monkeys' lips! If you have never shaved it completely. you can use one of those creams for hair removal the first time and then keep it up with a razor. It wont take so long to do and you wont go through a lot of razors

I was thinking the monkey would be waxed and was horrified at the thought. I can handle bikini waxing the monkey, but not sure my monkey can move to brazil. so which is it? do I wax the first time and shave from then on, or NEVER wax? (ouch)

Minky! You get your ass home right now!

timeforpookamonkey@slappy.fudge

SHEW. Thanks, Amanda B. for saving my monkey.

Let me just tell you once you come to my side of the fence I wont stand over here and laugh at you for looking lke the missing link.

omigosh. all this talk about shaving monkeys is making me want to vomit. i just imagine nicks and cuts and PAIN. and i JUST CAN'T tolerate pain. i prefer VERY well trimmed.

jes one might suggest you take the monkey to the groomers, because if it's getting nicked and cut you might have one red angry monkey on your hands.

snowboarding........weeeeeeee!!! 3 more days to go!

The thought of a monkey with a pink bow made me spit my coffee onto my keyboard, I laughed so hard. That is f-ing hilarious.

If you have to shampoo and condition your monkey, her hair is too long! I let my monkey grow when I was a young teenager and it looked like an afro. And then it is really gross to have to cut it and shave it, because little monkey hairs go everywhere and you will find them in crevices in your bathroom for years to come.

Been using the laser treatment to trim the monkey wings, but shaved monkey??

Texbecks, you have to cut it with scissors first. But like I said be careful with the lip area. Then you can proceed with shaving.

'pose of the frog'

(shudder)

Last time they had me do that was when they broke my water with my first baby. Blech.

oh, i've got the trim down. but i've always been a wax girl so monkey has always had, um, her summer cut...she's never been nude. why do you think the boyfriend cared a/b the nakedness?

'pose of the frog'

One more reason to NEVER become an aesthetician.

‘pose of the frog’

I prefer "the butterfly"

Wait just a minute. Are we talking about monkeys or hoo-hoos? Cause we all know they are NOT the same thing.

*twitch* *twitch*

I think I became obsessed with manicuring the monkey when I was really little. Of course then I didn't have to worry about it, but I knew that one day I would. There was this lady that sand in the choir at our church and she also frequented the community pool where my sisters and I swam every day during the summer. I remember the one day, I was sitting at the snack bar eating a hot dog and fries and this woman came up to me and said "Hi Katie!" - I looked up and saw her there in her blue bathing suit, and all these hairs were sticking out. Not just out the SIDES of her swimsuit, but THROUGH the swimsuit. Like through the swimsuits pores, or whatever you call it. Long black sprouts of hair shooting out from the blue swimsuit, like weeds. I wanted to scream. I still want to scream thinking about it.

if you are in a relationship where waxing or shaving the monkey is status quo, you might want to rethink the amount of mystery in said relationship. you're probably that couple that has level 5 conversations while your partner goes potty.

KatieBBAW: i just choked!

Somehow that story is made beautiful by the fact that the lady sang in the church choir. As the preacher's kid, I knew that lady. Ohmygoodness.

I will never forget Spring Break in 3rd grade. Myrtle Beach. My friend's older sister who had hit puberty full-fledge and was letting the monkey roam about the zoo. Like close to her knees. I think that was the moment I became monkey hair-obsessed...

where is Mrs Strizzray?

This would be when she would post the word

Fur-burger.

And leave it at that.

The nudity of the monkey was prerequisite to any activity.

He wasn't involved in getting it that way. Though he did attend a couple of waxings because the wax lady was HOT.

Thanks Girl A., no i'm just worried that someone is out there about to put Nad's on their MONKEY.

comeonbaby@dontwaxthemonkey.ack

I agree with you Girl A. Nothing is wrong with discussing monkey hair with your significant other. Especially when the significant other is the one that has to put his face up to the monkey.

What I don't understand is why men don't shave their monkeys. Well, I guess we should call them something else. How about llamas? Shouldn't guys be shaving excess hair from their llama region? I have only met one guy who did, and he was a swimmer and had to rid his body of all excess hair.

Hear my monkey roar!
OMFG, I choked on a chocolate covered espresso bean on that one.

Amanda, putting Nad's on a monkey - is that like a strap on?

That's what I'd like to know (#445) - why should he ask or require my 'monkey' to be naked if his...'llama' isn't?

Good question....

Yeah, I laughed out loud at the Hear my Monkey Roar comment. The chick next to me stood up and asked me what was so funny.

I am so going to get dooced by proxy.

The hammer!!!

Forget embarrassing moments, let's all share worst monkey moments.

These are the days when I'm so glad that I work at home.

Once I was on a girl's night out, and my friend was loaded and wearing a one piece short suit type thing.

And she is sitting on bar stool talking to these guys, and there is a hole in the crotch of her suit (no underwear on).

And we were sitting across from her and laughing our heads off. Then my friend yells out, "Hey! Fu Man Chu!"

And then we got kicked out because we could no longer sit up straight from laughing so hard.

been there, done that girl.a - that's what a monkey fart is (#430)

I am going to leave you all with a goodbye song, ahhheeeemmm;
Monchichi Monchichi O so soft and cuddely, with your thumb in your mouth your really cute...

Well, CA said we should share our worst monkey moments - and most of mine are queef-related.

Except for the misplaced altoids, and the forgotten bar of satsuma soap.

When I was about ten years old I realized that if I lay on my back and put my butt and legs in the air, supporting myself with my elbows, air would travel through my monkey and when I would put my legs and butt back down, I would let out this huge queef. I thought it was so cool, although I didn't know it was a queef, or that it was something I shouldn't do. I called it "Farting from the Front" and I showed my sisters and mother. My mother was a little weirded out, but my sisters were totally enthralled and laughed their asses off non stop.

I wonder if my boss would mind if I tried to queef right in the middle of the office?

I posted this on Spoonleg's blog a few days ago.

...The story of discovering a bar of Body Shop Satsuma Orange lodged someplace after having some early morning shower sex. Too bad I was in the middle of a 2 hour Monday morning business meeting and couldn't leave when I realized that I still had the bar on board. That shit stings if you leave it in too long.

Just remember to put your toys away when you're done - and ask your play pals to remember to do the same.

I didn't get out the soap and play with it, so I had no idea it was there.

I learned what a queef was when I was a soph in high school, I was at a party and letting all the really hot guys lick whipped cream off my tongue. Well this girl was all kinds of mad and she got on the ground and queefed. You could hear a pin drop, and then a thunderous roar. Guess she showed me.

jp: dang. where'd you go to highschool? i bet she got voted Most Likely To Succeed.

you'd be deefed.

What tex? you mean everyone's high school parties aren't like that? So I shouldn't tell you about the time we hired that stripper?

manufacture, idiot.

Girl.A, seriously. How could you NOT KNOW it was there? First altoids, then orange soap?? I'd hate to think what "toys" got left in there that you never found out about.

yes, I agree with spoonleg, girl a. I mean really, one would hope you don't use power tools.

Dang! I clicked your name last week or so, can I just say how beautiful your love letter to your wife was, just makes me love you that much more!

warmth??? wuchoo mean, JP, my friend o' the web?? you lost me you did :S

remember when you were sharing about how you were poor, warmth packed her bags and walked out the front door. I accused you of calling that poor woman you were married to warmth.

I'm with you DC, this afternoon's discussion has been very enlightening. Texbecks almost lured me out by saying llama trimming was a metrosexual thing, but I don't want to give away any secrets.

llama trimming...??? do I need to refer back for an explanation?

comment # anyone?

greenthumb--

#445 and read from there.

thanks DC...at work so I need to economize my activity.

Ah...the llama...yes, we homo's are quite fond of the trimming of the llama. That's not to say all homo's of course, but you get my meaning.

I love the monthly letters to Leta. She is so beautiful! Great job, Heather!

my brother called our grandmom "gammy" when he was little and we all still call her that to this day - though "mean bitch" is more appropriate.

And I'm sorry, but the Lluvy chick looks like one of the aliens from Earth: Final Conflict.

Geez, I leave and suddenly everybody shaves their monkeys and puts bows on 'em.

For the record, I like to go with the "Groucho" look for my monkey.

Complete with cigar and glasses.

Bucky, do your drapes match your carpet???

Happy thirteen months Leta and Momma Dooce.

Greenthumb -- the drapes and carpet match in color, but the drapes are a whole lot more outta control than the carpet.

I can just see your monkey running around holding up the peace sign, and smoking a doobie.

okay kiddles, I'm off to teabagging class and how to toss salads.

Just kidding, but it sounds better than Technical Writing.

Night!

Finally, oooodles of Leta. Gimme some of that sugar!

for her sake and yours, please video record this girl in action. it would be classic prom night torture to whip out the video about the time when Leta would humped the floor.

1) this picture is cool. Was it taken at night under a bright white parking lot lamp or in the sun? I really dig the quality of the light!!

2) The monthly letters help me understand that though my dad didn't write these things, he probably felt some of them...wow. I'm so glad to have some idea what it's like for parents.

Those eyes!!! Amazing.

Hah! Landing Strip!

oh, beautiful.
heather, i'm so glad you write these monthly letters to leta. and share them with us. it feels liks peeping in through a tea-shop window on a cold day, when you recognize two people you know who happen to love each other to the moon and back, and then you feel guilty for seeing them at the tiny wooden table, each one with a hand over the steam of the tea.

I LOVE your monthly letters to Leta. i wish my mother had done that for me, but then again, I can't blame her for not since she had quite the hard time raising me alone.
I adore the first picture of Leta and the story of her floor humping. It made me giggle.
I never learned how to crawl by the way, I just scooted around on my butt. I was always a little bit weird i guess.

Can I just say that the "mid-hump" photo of Leta on the carpet is the most beautiful thing I've seen all week.

As I splash down in my waterbed for the night, let me leave you with this final thought, courtesy of the Beatles:

Everybody's got something to hide, 'cept for me and my monkey.

my god you have such a beautiful child dooce :)

One of my twins does the floor humping! I'm so glad we're not alone. She's not crawling yet, so I don't know if she's trying to get somewhere that way. Her sister isn't crawling yet either, but pivots in a circle on her hands and knees. Any day now and they'll be off and running I'm sure.

oh my god that child of yours is so gorgeous. i love her eyes and she makes me squeal "awww what a pumpkin butt!" (my highest baby compliment).

Dooce, your letter to Leta was just lovely, as always. And she is beautiful. I know you are so proud of her.

PS- I owe dooce a THANK YOU for finally giving us our Leta pics. My God, I was about to lose my mind if I had to look at ONE MORE SNOWBOARDING PIC. No offense, Leta's just much, MUCH cuter than banana mashing cretins.

Very nice tribute to your daughter. I hope she will be able to read all this when she is older.

I love the picture of her face down on the carpet. Priceless!

RIP

my beloved titanium G4 Powerbook, that saw me through the desperate year in Architecture and the last 2 years in college crashed today.
tomorrow i will hoping desperatly that my computer will be able to be resusitated.

::sigh::

I know I'm a little late on sharing the embarassing stories, but I'll share something that happened to my sister...

Standing in a long queue in the bank one day she started digging round in her purse looking for something. When she found it she yanked it out forcefully, accidentaly flicking out a tampon that flew through the air and hit a guy two places up in the queue on the shoulder and then landed in all it's glory on the floor. Of course she just stood there innocently as if she hadn't seen anything, but I think the blushing probably gave her away!

552 just before midnight......not too bad, but seen better!

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question
time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f*#k happened to Billy?"

Awwww...loving the photos of Leta - adorable chubby cheeks and cheese goldfish included!
She looks like she's studying that rug intently...or trying to stand on her head!

Having breakfast in Ireland (toast and honey ummmmmm) I want to be last thankyouverymuch

I bet this isn't last either.