#1!!!!!!!!

morning!

too cute

Top 10?

Cmon dooce...tell us why you are posting pictures at such odd times ! or is it automated ??

I have to say that I've never commented here before, but, given that I may be #11, I just couldn't resist. Dooce, I absolutely adore your site and have for ages. It's one of the best reads on the net. You've made my day more times than I can recall, so thank you.

12! yippee

Petezilla, perfect. Laughed out loud, and that's not easy at this hour.

Glad you had fun, heather. Have you had trouble sleeping lately? Or are you up with Leta?

Just a faithful reader fretting over you.

it's okay, though, grammar freak, my grandma probably says spelt, too...of course, she also says chimbley...

they look small. what was the other board called??

Weight.. girth... with men it is aLwAyS about the size!

:P

odd that the timing of pictures appearing on dooce is awful for some. it's nearly lunchtime here, so it's not a problem at all.

Ha Ha--don't they all weigh a TON?

First time "commenting"....thanks for sharing all that you do, and bringing a smile to my face daily as I walk through this crazy life of mothering-- a little less alone!

Is a guy's shoe size and peensip also related to the poundage of his snowboard? As long as you don't mix them up and call his peensip "Green Destiny".

Very cute pic, by the way

I love the colors and the shadows in this one! Very cool.

Gawd, no need to take your anger at the spelling correction out on me. I think it's a cute pic, the way Heather's board is snuggling with the Green Destiny. It's not just two snowboards damnit. AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU COLD HEARTED MAN (or woman but I think you're a man)

Duh, it's the board of directors, man.

So cute!!!

They look like they're on display in a museum.

Remember CanAm, she had a religious experience. That's gotta affect the postings for a while.

Loved ths photo montage from the trip. Especially "Leeego's" multiple pig tails. Too cute!

Yeah I guess, Niffer. I'm just a bit bitcheroo this morn.

Right away I was going to comment on the spelling of "weighs" but I see that Grammar Freak beat me to it and apparently has nothing better to do than police your comments section. So I'll step aside and let GF do his/her self appointed job. And I second the opion offered up yesterday that more Leta pictures would be a welcome sight!

Thinking...

Gosh, it's been a long time since I've had MY anal sacs squeezed, but I sure as hell remember it costing more than $20!

To me it would be considered a "death board". I wish I knew how to ski... everyone's raving about it!

pooce dooce dunce

For anyone thinking about snowboarding: PLEASE get yourself some of these
http://www.boardtactics.com/prod/DAKINE/Wrist+Guards/
I WISH I'd had these before my lessons...and the subsequent hospital trip - DOH. I bought them after I recovered (torn ligaments, worse than breaking the damn wrist) and though they feel weird, they're comfortable and supportive. :-)
By far the most common injury in snowboarders is a broken wrist, as the sarcastic first aider informed me...

Well, since everyone else is requesting pictures from Heather, I guess I can speak up and ask for that which my heart craves most of all.

Heather: Please, pretty please with ass grease on top, can we see the pictures we all *know* you took of Chuck getting his anal sacs milked?

I know, I know, I feel like a giddy schoolgirl for askin'!

I love Leta, don't get me wrong. And I agree, the snowboarding has gotten a little tired, but what about the odd kitsche around the house? Was that only for Christmas? I want to see more weird!

Snowboards on Ice! Now that is a sport I'd like to watch.

Sponsored by the Anal Sac Milkers' Association (ASMA)and Tostitos.

Jen in KC -- after that, I'll never look at people with asthma the same.

I see I'm not the only one this morning suffering from PMS.

There's some attitude in these comments, yes?

Seigh, Dooce! Sending a big hellooooo your weigh!

Sorry, couldn't help it. I'm an ass todeigh.

You're the shiniest, holesome-est $2 whore in the blogosphere, Bucky.

I don't mind the snow-boarding pics and all. Hell, if I'd experienced anything like that you would never get me to shut-up about it.

I could use an adventure. Anybody got a one way ticket outta here to where a freak can be a freak? I feel like a circus animal.

"I just spent $20 to have my dog’s anal sacs squeezed".....

Doocie, did your A-1 boyfriend offer you $20 to provide the same service???

It is a proven fact that I'm a bog old baby, but skiing and snowboarding scare the shit out of me. I've never even tried, but there's just not enough control over the situation for me. However, my boyfriend l ikes to ski, so I might take him next christmas and get myself a little bunny hill lesson. i dunno.. some scary shit man...

(:3

CK, when you put it that way, I'm a snowboarder from WAY back; 'cept we call it sledding.

After work, I went home and told my husband and sons about the conversation about anal sacs. I thought we should be aware of it. They looked a me with such horror and made loud exclamations. They thought I had a conversation about anal sex. Ha. I didn't tell them that conversation was weeks ago.

i'm bored of snowboarding stuff- i want a cute Leta pic. How does a valedictorian spell "weighs" wrong?

Marti, I had the same thing happen here, except I was viewing the link with the anal sac emptying demonstration. Husband asks what I'm watching, and I say, "It's a cartoon showing you how to do the anal sacs . . . " My kid was right there; my husband couldn't speak, he was so horrified, thought I'd finally lost it. I called them both over to see the cartoon, which was gross, yet educational. Though neither as gross nor as educational as the one they thought I was watching.

I don't know about anyone else, but I had no idea what a "dog anal gland" was, so I had to look it up. http://www.barkbytes.com/medical/med0029.htm
Um, ew. I'm glad I have a cat! :)

Cats have them too, actually. When my parents' cat leaves skidmarks on the sofa, they know it's time to take her to the vet for some good ol' gland release.

H in Chicago: Cats have 'em too, dearie. :)

I'm glad I don't have any pets! :)

Must. Refresh. More. Often.

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5

Kalki,
I agree. Even though Cambridge (my cat) has those icky glands, I think she's worth it too! :)

Wow, I'm (almost) speechless from the comments.

1. I'm so glad this comment section is filled with people who never make typos, and who therefore feel entitled to cast the first stone.

2. Bucky Four-Eyes - [said in my best imitation of a drunken lush]-I love you, man. *sniff*

3. I don't see that anyone has really made a comment about #22. Does that mean it made _sense_ to you guys? 'Cause I'm totally at a loss on that one.

4. I have (thus far) refrained from commenting on the, um, (whispers) _anal sac_ issue, because....I just don't think I can, without ralphing. Blech.

Okay. That is all. Carry on.

Re: 93.

You know how sometimes a bunch of people are laughing at a joke, and you laugh along too because you don't want people to think you're stupid and don't get it??

Well, that's kind of how I was treating 22. I didn't get it, but I was pretending I did.

Ok. The anal glands thing almost made me piss myself. I actually shared with Mr. Pissy and he totally got it and thought it was funny as heck. Poor Chuck. How exactly is he feeling after this procedure?

Amanda B, are you posting pictures of your *monkey* again?

If you click on #22's name, you'll see that it ain't no joke, she really is just as she sounds, God love 'er. Going through a tough time, but coming out of it. She probably does have some real good drugs this morning.

You keep taking 'em, and take good care, Amy. UPPERCASE GOD hasn't stopped here in a while, but he absolutely has your back.

Susie -- you are a lovely, lovely individual. Truly. No joke.

Aw, GROUP HUG, guys. Boy, am I glad I stuck around here this morning, calling Bucky a $2 whore and all . . .

Thank you, sweeties.

Susie, this $2 whore loves ya back. In fact, I would only charge you $1.50, because you *are* such a lovely person. :)

Kalki: Great minds think alike. ;)

Thank you so much!

wow, you must be getting awesome powder to have the bindings set so far back! i'm jealous!!!

love your site, btw! :)

I personally think that Heather purposely spelled "weighed" wrong so that she would get people all riled up. I have never seen Dooce mispell something except for the regular typo. She was probably thinking "Let's give 'em something else to bitch about". Either that, or she was drunk. I feel drunk still. I went to my first Rodeo last night!!!

although the posting time of pictures has been at odd times for like the past week, i still cant get use to it.

There is a CARTOON dedicated to chuck's recent "procedure"?! How on earth did I miss that?

And Heather did warn us to expect lots of snowboarding pictures. She did go two weekends in a row right?

goose, shit then, wanna go halves on a 2 for 1 deal?

and I'm actually waiting for pictures of Leta on a snowboard. because if dooce can get it then the child prodigy can only be two steps away.

Re #119: Oh man... are we talkin about goose shit now?!

Snowboarding Rocks! And so does Dog ball squeezing!

As in "I am shitting like a goose today"?

I hate to break it to you, but the $2 is only for a knob polishing (no swallowing). Because it took extra training to achieve my certification, I must now charge $2.50 PER SAC for the squeezing of the anal glands.

Of course, I am open to discussing bulk discounts. Nobody ever said I wasn't a good-hearted whore.

ok, who wants to put in for a group discount? gotta give bucky what she wants.

can you tell it's late and I'm bored?

Ya have to move to Canada Heather, only costs me $5 to have my dogs anal glands squeezed. :) With the currencey rate you could get them done for practically FREE!

Song - Bucky gives out stamps like Subway. Tuesday's are double stamp days. Turn in your card when it's full for a freebie.

I always give her $2.40 - I like to give her a 20% tip.

southern fried girl said at 08:16AM, 03.02.2005:
KBBAW - I think we should have one day a week where it is mandatory for us to show up to work at least slightly buzzed.
----------
"But Boss, *everyone* over at Dooce.com is doing it!"

Ick about the anal gland.

I LOL when I read about Chuck, as I just wrote in my blog about dealing with butt issues on my honeymoon in Moab, Utah.

Next time head on over to Moab and see Dr. Red. He enjoys anal irregularities.

LMAo The NYmo guy is TOTALLY stuck in my driveway right now. need new tires much? It was just plowed last night.

Metro -- that's why you're this whore's favoritest customer!

i would so rather be squeezed than eat oatlmeal or pumpkin on a daily basis, but then again I'm not a dog or cat.

and this doesn't happen to australian cats right? coz if it does my two will so have to deal with it in their own little way. unless bucky is prepared to make a trans-atlantic trip to oz

Song, I'd squeeze your kitties' anal sacs any day.

Do I have to say "Crikey, Mate!" when the grease begins to spray?

Duly noted, Song.

This has me thinkin' about Steve Irwin. Do crocodiles have anal sacs? If they do, I'll bet the Croc Hunter would be totally down for a squeeze.

Kristine I am not sure. I kinda hope not, but then I kinda like the idea.

When I worked at a veterinary clinic for 4 years, that is ONE job that you could not pay me a million dollars to do. ICK. Why on earth would some higher power create a need for a dog to have its "anal sacks" squeezed? YUCK!!

Why do dogs have sacs other than nut ones?

Hmmm Strizz.
What would you like to see exactly?
Careful what you ask for...

I like how people get so comfortable here at Dooce.com that they feel they can tell Heather what pictures to post, and when they're tired of those photos, there is enough of a relationship to say they're getting old and ask for pictures of something else.

(That was more sarcasm than I've been able to come up with in the past month, and now I'm drained.)

I'm sorry for being so pissy, I just think it's stupid. These photos chronicle Heather's life, and who are we to try and dictate what parts of her life she shows us? It is, after all, *her* website.

*steps demurely off soapbox*

Also, I wonder if my dog is dragging her ass around on the floor because she needs HER anal glands squeezed... shudder.

$20! Sheesh what vet are you using? We only had to pay $14 as I recall last time Bella had that lovely procedure. God Bless the Vet Tech.

Girl A.......I want 8 x 10 glossies of your armpits.

Then again, be careful how you word anything regarding 'dog anal sack squeezing' in google.

I was really expecting just innocent old anal sack squeezing!

:-)

(Undemurely jumping on the soapbox while my skirt flies over my head and a giant fart is released into the atmosphere, eating away at the ozone layer and then I whip out the MAGIC CONE and spray you all with urine)

Ok, only spraying the control freaks.

Well, unless you like the golden cone shower...

Girl.A, I think you should team up with Wonder Woman, MetroMan, the AtlantaFlassh, the Green Destiny, and that wacky Minkey and fight crime from your home base in the Hall of JustItch.

I would like THAT photoshopped and up on your site by the end of the day, please.

Girl A - did you take photos of THAT for your site?

Pets "expressing" themselves has been a hot topic lately... If you think having that stink on your couch is bad (and I've been there), this is horrific:
http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/60160142.html

Rebecca, that was truly terrifying.
And made me giggle ever-so-much. Teehee.

Greenthumb -- you can have a three-finger discount at my whore store anytime!

Girl.A -- the urine soak was refreshin'! You should hop up on that there soapbox more often.

Thes nowboards actually look like they've just finished with some good lovin'.

Green Destiny: "Was it good for you?"
Red Sonja:"Yeah, baby. Now sqeeze my anal sacks!"

Wait, can snowboards smoke cigarettes?

Spurious Plum: so that's what the red snowboard is called! like it!

Susie-
thanks for the link...I think.

I think I'm going to have to show that to my dogs and go "I am so happy you are a small yapper dogs, and get this done at the vet."

but he's got the killah mission bindings...

TOTALLY RANDOM QUESTION.... WHAT SIZE DOES LETA WEAR??? DOES ANYBODY KNOW???

400 lbs!? good lord. i had no idea they were that heavy. jon can manuever that thing?? ....reason #234 we all think jon is a stud. :)

so tough to be popular, uh reknowned, uh seeking attention...

I thinks "The Green Destiny" has a woody for "The Red Baronness."

Thanks Mrs.Strizzay that's kinda what I was thinking, but I wanted to see what the general consensus was....

Groundhog phone call: Oh wow, Heather, you mean there are still people out there WHO DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE?! Sheesh.

Apparently, Doocelings, we are not doing our jobs in spreading The Word That Is Dooce.

If it's any consolation, as a journalism major we are forced in classes to always ask anyone we interview for articles/projects to spell out their name, give their birth date and occupational title.

I might not be out in the real world yet, but maybe editors make you ask asine questions there as well.

song said at 08:18AM, 03.02.2005:
that so depends on what you mean by ‘buzzed’
- - - - - - - -
"Well, I'm a thoroughbred."
That's what she said in the back of my truck bed,
As I was gettin' buzzed on suds, out on some back country road.
We where flyin' high, fine as wine,
Having ourselves a Big and Rich time
An' I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go.
But her evaluation of my cowboy reputation
Had me beggin' for salvation all night long.
So I took her out, gigging frogs,
Introduced her to my old bird dog
An' sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of.
An' we made love.

That is all.

I would assume, as Striz said, that Ms. Leta is around a size 18 months. That is one tall baby! And you can never go wrong getting bigger sizes.

Tell the AP reporter to SUCK IT!

DOOCE SAYS...SUCK IT! I'd buy the shirt.

Sarah M "my ever unwilling boyfriend":

Wow. I have a feeling that phrase really didn't come out the way you meant it. :)

Unless, maybe your unwilling boyfriend is chained to your bed/couch/whatnot against his will. If that is the case, my apologies. Carry on.

I think the groundhog comment refers to the fact that Heather is having a flashback. You know, one of her classic obscure Bill Murray references.

Super Friends, #167: I would like THAT photoshopped and up on your site by the end of the day, please.
- - - - -
Must. Resist. Urge. To. Do. As Directed. There is *real* work to be done. Must. Resist. Urge.

Hey... which one of the above has that peeing fire superpower I read about yesterday??

Of COURSE I knew what Dooce meant about her "Groundhog phone call."
Sarcasm is LOST on you people.

Where's Bucky Four-Eyes when I need her?

like i'd said, "if you’re seriously asking..." you asked twice, ladybug; i was just tryin' to be helpful. kindness is lost on some people, i 'spose.

I figured she meant groundhog as in "You'd have to be living in a hole like a groundhog to not know that Dooce.com is alive and well, dumbass reporter-dude."

Looks all wet and messy.

I'm still trying to find the misspelling in "weighs." Did I miss something? Someone will have to spell that out for me, because I am dense.

Now I DID catch "snowbaord." :)

Re: #157

Here here!

Or is it hear hear?

Either way.

Sarcasm is my forte, Lady Bug, so don't worry about that. Just throwing it out there for anyone who might not get the Bill Murray reference.

Lady Bug didn't ask twice, did she?

Susie, you can have a hedgehog-shaped phone if I can have a monkey-shaped fruit basket.

Oh, wait, god already took care of that for me!

Fruit basket? Now you have to sully the good name of fruit, too? Is nothing sacred to you, BFE? What does fruit basket mean?

Susie -- "Fruit basket" means the same thing you don't want "monkey" to mean.

And no, nothing is sacred to me. Except maybe the Captain and Tennille. Don't say nuthin' mean about them.

I'm totally serious, you guys.

WHAT?!!

i've been following your blog for over a year and it's the first time i'm sufficiently aggravated to want to, have to, post a comment:

BLAST those lazyass-reporters who don't even bother to check out dooce before calling. BLAST them i say!

Muskrat Susie was named after me.

BFE, news at 11. But does she still maintain her blog?

Plum, you rock. You sick, sick puppy. You rock.

Kill the groundhogs! Check out this website.

http://www.stanfordopinions.150m.com/Top%20Eight%20WTKAG.htm

And be real, everyone. You know that C&T are the greatest musical geniuses since Jesus. Screw Bach.

KBBAW - that's funny. I thought it was going to be a site by a guy named Stan who was all for saving Dolphins.

Niffer, that is freakin hilarious. Stan for Dolphins! If that guy with the rifle is Stan, I don't think any mammal or rodent has a chance to be saved.

Katie, you said the word poop.
You know what this means don't you?
We are all going to have to start telling poop stories.
Again.

Do groundhogs have anal sacs? Or anal sex, even?

I had the most satisfying poop this morning and thought of Dooce and all of you. Seriously.

You never saw Jesus when he played the harmonica and travelled with the Apostles? Biggest thing outta Nazereth, I'll tell you what.

My favorite saintly hits were:
'You Put A Hole in My Heart, Like the Ones In My Hands', 'Judas Is My Homie (from the pre-betrayal period), and 'My Feet Are Dusty, Which Lucky Lady Wants To Wash Em Down'.

Quality body of work.

Katie, I think YOU'RE the one who's drunk with a mouth full of cotton candy. :)

niffer - had the same experience this morning. Thought of Katie-bbaw's bowl wrapper story.

Better than a mouth full of anal sackage I guess.

Yeah, Niffer, I am having some residual effects from the beers and cotton candy from last night.

Wow, Cathi! I feel honored that you remembered my bowl wrapping turd that needed to be broken with a coat hanger story!!! I AM making an impact on others' lives!

Yesterday after picking my kids up from school, I told them the shit chopping coat hanger story. They were laughing so hard! Then I told them Big Gay Sam's shitting on the shit-caked porta potty seat story. Baaaaad Mama.

Now who was it who kept the plastic knife in the bathroom. Was that you, too?

WOW, now parents are telling their kids good-night stories about my bowl wrapping, coat hanger poops! I am a legend! Awesome!

And another one I thought of was finslippy and the story about her son who said, "Holy Moly! That's a big penis!" (although he was talking about his penis and not my poop). It really is a shame that she took that post down. It was fargin hysterical.

Don't forget the Shitslicer! We have more in stock now: 1-800-CUT-SHIT! Call now. Operators are standing by.

I don't think so, Ron. I have a hard enough time keeping my daughter from playing with the toilet brush and plunger.

I missed Katie's coat hanger poop story. Would anyone be kind enough to re-tell it so that I may spread the legend to all corners of the British Isles?

I miss Mouse. I'm going to have to check in with yesterday's comments.
I never had to chop up poop, but one time when I was 7? I made an audio interview of myself while pooping, thought it was funny, and gave it to my friend Megan to listen to. The next time I went to her house, she wasn't home, but her big brother Zach, who was C-O-O-L, dropped my pooping tape on the ground in front of me, then smashed it with his foot, and slammed the door. Devastation.

This is totally random and unrelated, but THNAKS A LOT, HEATHER! You nearly got me banned from TWoP!

I mean, HONESTLY. All I did was say "Suck it!" to the general population on the American Idol Message Board, and WHOOSH! Those network Executives were on me like flies on shit. I KID YOU NOT.

The administrator told me my comments were too dumb, and that if I acted the "weird fangirl" again, they would BAN MY ASS!

HELP! HELP! I'm being OPPRESSED!!

Weird fangirl, indeed.

its not that i dont love all the snowboard pics. i do. i really do.
but WHERE IS LETA?

Yes, yes cat, what IS TWoP? Inquiring minds want to know.

What I want to know is, why does that poor little monkey look like he's been SHAVED?? They have to shave him to find out if he has spacial skills? Hrmph.

P.S. LadyBug- I believe Groundhogs are Marmots, and Marmots do engage in anal sex if they are gay or are feeling a bit kinky.

'Manda B: Thank you. You are helpful and informative, if a bit twisted. Much love to you and Minky.

'Manda, I often shave my monkey to show off my special skills.

Bucky, shaving monkey's IS my special skill =)

I'm baaa-aack! Thanks for telling my poop story, Cathi!

Scott, I thought groundhog anal sex was a neat change of pace!

I get those calls too - not from the AP, but from companies wanting to do business with us - I can't tell you how many times Ive had a pitch thrown at me, which I stop in mid-stream, by asking the caller "if they know what our company does" and its AMAZING how many times I hear "no" and then back to the pitch.
Then I inform them that we are a competitor in this or that income stream, and they ARGUE with me about why I should use their company.
I just informed them that we do the SAME EXACT THING they do, and still they have to give me the pitch...it provides me endless minutes of amusement.
I am now convinced that very few people do any kind of research - I have had some of these phone monkeys tell me "they don't have time for that".
I'm thinking to myself that their call-to-lead turnover ratio would be much higher if they spent less time on the phone...ok, now I'm rambling and this has no relevance to the snowboard photo.

In Utahn - Awww fer cute!

In Californian - Fuck yeah!

In Las Vegan - What the fuck are snowboards?