first?

this is what college procrastination will do to your sleep schedule.

Wow ... I have a chance to be one of the first 10 to comment. I knew my insomnia would pay off someday. Man oh man, the joy of this moment will keep me going for the next 3 days. Ah the life of a hermit :(

i'm in the first ten commentors? holy crap!

lovely pic, heather. :)

(raises hand) Another procrastinator here with a paper due. Why do we do this to ourselves?

on the road again?

wow, my first time and i'm in the top 1000. !! great photo too, btw. (as if comments here had anything to do with photos!) :)

nice photo as usual. trying my best to imitate but my photos never tell as much for some reason :)

i'm back in the office and OH HOW I MISSED THOU (not the office though) -- happy belated fourth blogirthday. we're so glad you've made it.

why on earth are you still up?

We have a sunny day also!

lovely, lovely

Do you take your camera everywhere you go? I do that because I'm afraid the one time I don't, I'll miss something cool.

Hey! You turned the comments off on Friday!

You make me want to head to Utah!

Woo! Top 20!

I went and saw Interpol last night, they were awesome and played 'Not Even Jail' :)

dooce, I have never wanted to go snowboarding, and you've made me dream about it at night. I'll blame you if I suddenly have an expenxive snowboarding habit (I live in a country with very little snow and no hills at all)!

Hey Misha, how was the show?? They were in Houston Thursday night at a VERY SMALL venue, sold out in less than twenty minutes. I tried to get legit tickets, and when that didn't work I tried to get counterfeit tickets produced by a graphic designer friend. Too bad they didn't work, SON OF A BITCH.

The point is, I hate you for getting into their show you dirty, dirty skank. :)

i met a snowboarding guide in puerto natales a couple weeks ago. he has spent six seasons here in south america teaching snowboarding. claims daily chest high powder and lift tickts that cost about the same as movie in LA. between the two of you i am starting to miss skipping winter this year. really, really considering coming back in july with a snowboard.

hey my first time too and I'm under 50!

Embarassing Moment:

I went to a corporate event held at Universal Studios. Part of the event included having professional makeup artists do fantastic and gruesome things to our faces - you know, scars, popped eyes, blood, and such.

Well one guy had a fantastic job done and his face was truly gruesome, horrible scars and complete disfigurement. I said "holy cow! that's the most gruesome face here!"

It wasn't makeup. The poor guy was, in-fact, horribly disfigured.

What a heel I am.

That's gorgeous. I take pics of the Nashville skyline all the time. I am in love with big cities!

heather -

did i miss the announcement that you were suspending pictures of the frog princess? i must say, it makes me sad, because she is delicious, but i certainly understand.

I thought SLC was much bigger. Looks like Leta could step on downtown, or at least crawl over and put some buildings in her mouth.

Good morning, good morrrrning! It's great to stay up late. Good morning, good morning to youuuu!

cool! i like car window pictures! trouble is my dad and brothers drive like maniacs...

More loveliness!

These are all super nice.

Happy Blog b-day. Great job Heather!
My most embarrassing moment was when I was a teenager. I was making out with my boyfriend behind the school. His dork friends must have known, because they drove up, yelling "Police!" and shining flashlights on us. we started running away, half-dressed, and then his friends started laughing so we knew it was them. I was pretty mortified, I had to see those guys every day the rest of the school year.

dooce, only you can make unemployment and motherhood look so so cool. i really should get myself pregnant and fired soon...

Just because it was Oscar night last night...
How about a competition?
"The dorkest embarracing story of the day award" goes to...

beautiful.

damn what time are you posting? is leta waking you up at all hours of the night?

My goodness, the Doocers get up early. Here I am impressed with myself for being to work on time at 8:30!!!

Very pretty pic, by the way. I do agree that more Leta pics would be wonderful though.

AHHH more sky shots! Where is the dog balls and cute kids!

Happy Blog Birthday!

Embarassing moment... One time while in NYC I was on my way to a Broadway show with my family. I apparently caught a stomach virus at some point. During our cab ride I started feeling worse and worse. Prssure was building up and my sphincter was boppin' like Chubby Checker. The point of no return came upon me and I told the cab to pull over immeadiately. My parents gave me this funny look, but they could totally tell something was up by the look of terror in my eyes and the sweat on my brow. As soon as the cab stopped I bolted, as fast as a man who is ready to explode can, with my hand cupped over my ass for fear of something getting out. Now I don't know if you have ever tried to find a public restroom in NYC within a minute or so, but it was no easy task. I finally made my way into a restaurant and did the cup hand sprint to the loo past a bunch of patrons and made it just in time. I'll never forget the faces of the people I ran past while holding my ass. My family also got a great chuckle out of seeing me run desperately through the streets with one hand plastered over the exit like a gatekeeper.

Embarrassing near-miss: With my now-husband, then-boyfriend, got the romantic idea to "get romantic" on the floor of his parents' living room in front of the fire, when everyone in the house is sleeping. We hear someone coming, er, approaching, and scramble to get an afghan over us, and pull all of our clothes in under the afghan. In walks elderly Auntie M, the sweetest, most innocent "spinster" auntie who ever lived. Auntie says, "You're by the fire and have a blanket over you, aren't you hot?" "No, Auntie M, we're freezing, we just can't get warm!" "My lands," she says, "you must be getting a chill. I'll get you some more blankets . . . " and she goes through the whole downstairs, gathering afghans, throws, to warm our naughty naked asses. Each time she'd leave the room, we'd scrape in more of our discarded clothes to pull under the blankets so she didn't catch on. Then she sat down in the rocker beside us and chatted for a while.

One of my many most embarrassing moments also takes place in a classroom. I was in the twelfth grade, and I had literally the smallest set of boobs in the entire senior class. I begged my mother to let me have a boob job, but instead she went out and bought me these really nifty silicon inserts for my bra. These things actually looked like silicon implants, and once inserted into my bra, I had really perky, bouncy boobs. Nothing too obvious, though. Anyway, I was in seventh period Physics class learning about Kepler's law and the conservation of angular momentum, or some such crap. My teacher asked a question, and for once I knew the answer, so I shot my arm up in the air to give my scholarly response. At this point, I felt something slipping inside my shirt. The next thing that happened was like one of those slow motion scenes from a movie. You could even hear my voice say "Oooooooooh Noooooooooo" in slow motion. Of course my right silicon breast came slipping out of my bra and landed right on the floor next to me. The really cute guy that sat next to me swiftly picked it up and tossed it in my lap. He did it so fast and furtively that I don't think any of the bitchy girls with the big tits saw it, but my teacher certainly did. He went right on to teach about Kepler's law while I sat there with an extremely red face. I never wore those plastic boobs again!!!

Oh, Katie, that was a tough one. But how sweet was that cute boy, to help you out like that, and not go throwing it around the room or some such?

Psycho-kitty, thank you, you've just given me my "I'm not impressed" phrase for the week:
It's no desk-moving fart.

I don't know what happened to that guy. I was so embarrassed by the whole boob incident that I could never face him again. Maybe at our tenth year reunion I will talk to him about it and get a few chuckles out of it. It still traumatizes me to this day! It's true that most boys would start throwing the thing around the room or stick it in their pants or something. I was lucky, that's for sure!

SLC, the city of doom...

The city looks so tiny from here... almost like an anthill...

That steering wheel and dashboard however look HUGE...

Embarrassing moment. This is sort of embarrassing by proxy, but when I was about twelve (and incredibly, horribly shy) and the breakdancing craze was in full swing, my father, who was and is still a cutting-edge trendsetter took a giant piece of linoleum and a giant boom box out to the patio for several weeks on end and taught himself to breakdance.

Kids were lined up along my fence screaming "GO DAVE!! GO DAVE!! GO DAVE!! GO DAVE!! GO DAVE!!"

I wanted to *die*.

He was pretty good, though.

Another one - when I was young and thin and had no ass I used to work as a runway model.

I was about fifteen and doing a very chi-chi swanky show that involved these hideous expensive beaded gowns.

I was extremely nervous and missed my mark at the end of the runway and consequently tripped on my heels, toppling off the runway and landing in some rich old broad's lap. You could hear beads skittering far and wide.

I started to bawl, because I thought I'd have to pay for the dress, and a giant booger shot onto the lady's dress.

All I could think of to say is "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, let me get that for you."

Dorrrrrrrrk.

GO DAVE! GO DAVE! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! DO THE ROBOT!

I just got back from Dr. Johnny Fever's Oscar commentary: I highly recommend it for anyone who wants an insightful critique of last night's boob-a-palooza

The scene: The hallways of your average highschool, between classes.

Grade: 9

The set up: Shy Bookworm (me), walking to class with a large stack of books clutched to her chest, spies the Cute Boy she has a huge, unrequited crush on.

The spike: Cute Boy glances in my direction (causing tunnel vision as the rest of the world suddenly ceases to exist) and my foot catches on the corner of an upturned doormat. I go sprawling in a most spectacular display of flying books and flailing limbs.

The bonus round: After the stunned moment of disbelief wherein I begin to collect my dignity by stoically ignoring the snickers of my schoolmates, Cute Boy actually comes over to help me gather my belongings. If I could have just crawled under that mat and died....

How far away was that taken from? I like how the wheel is in the picture - sort of just "there." I always try to get my steering wheel OUT of the pictures; perhaps I should try leaving it in them....

Bethy-Mae, LMFAO...

that's gotta be on 1-215 east heading towards downtown. these photos are great reminders of the beauty of slc. keeps me going while i am studying federal income tax in philly. 2 more weeks and then - ski trip!

Is this the stupidest question ever: What does LMFAO stand for? I know LOL - but that's about it.

Trance - thanks. The light has been turned on.

Dooce:

Happy Blog-o-versary! Here's to much happiness and love...you're very deserving of all your hearts desires. Thanks for giving so much of yourself to make others blush, smile, laugh and even shed a tear.

Cheese and Rice Mary, you RAWK my world.

I have another embarrassing moment, but this one is my sister's. This is a classic "Mary moment" as we call them. Mary is probably the most intelligent people I know, but sometimes her common sense is a little below the charts. She was living in Boston going to grad school and was working as a waitress to make ends meet. She was out smoking a cigarette the one day right across from the courthouse as she took a break from work. This guy was standing next her, and she felt really bad for him because he had no arms. The armless man asked her if he could bum a smoke from her. Of course, being the nice person she is, she stuck a cigarette in his mouth and proceeded to light it. Moments later, a cop that was standing within feet of the armless man came storming over to my sister and started screaming at her. He yanked the cigarette out of the armless man's mouth and threw it to the ground. My sister, totally confused, couldn't understand why this cop was being so cruel. It was at this point that she finally realized that the armless man was actually a guy in handcuffs waiting to be booked. The cop, apparently had turned his back for just long enough for my brilliant sister to stick a smoke in his mouth. Needless to say, she was quite mortified, and profusely apologized to the cop. She didn't tell him she thought the guy was armless. She figured it was better for him to think she was aiding a criminal in his smoking habit than for him to realize what a moron she was.

Hey Spoonleg, it was a pretty cool show. They played for an hour and came back for a 15 minute revival, and then headed out. The audience sucked though, they just stood there. No music head bobbing, no clapping, nothing! It was like zombies all bought tickets. I'm uploading really crappy pictures of it as we speak.

I was in the band in high school because I couldn't afford a DORK! tattoo for my forehead.

In 10th grade, I was heading for the 'victory dance' after a ballgame and had a flat tire on my p.o.s. car, in the rain. 40 minutes later, with my mustard-yellow band shirt that had my name embroidered on it, all covered with grease and mud, I finally made it to the dance so I could stand around to shyly and not ask anyone to dance -- but still be there to ogle people that weren't socially retarded.

I went straight to the bathroom to clean up and barreled through the door with my head down. When I got inside, I couldn't help but notice that it was pink. I whipped back around and dashed back out before the door swung closed and ran straight into the hottest cheerleader/captain of the drill team girl in the school and her entire pack of cool babes. She just smiled and said 'Hi!'. As I was hot-footing it toward the exit, I could hear them absolutely collapsing in laughter inside the pink bathroom.

I think I took up weed shortly after that so I would be too hip to have to attend any more dances....(sigh)

okay..one more and then I gotta work.

My stepmom and I were standing at the local fair with my dad talking with people, and mom and I were about to head over to the next booth and she reached behind her with her hand to pat my dad on the ass and said, 'okay boog, let's go', only it wasn't my dad, but one of my classmates. He was good about it and said, 'okay, let's go' but I was totally mortified. My mom was just LHAO (laughed her ass off).

Thought of one more.

At a somewhat nice bar downtown, shooting pool with some friends, when this group of Very Hot Guys joined us. So we're definitely trying to act nonchalant, cool, whatever.

We had a table next to our pool table with our drinks and whatnot, and I was sitting on a chair there. I went to sit back down on it while also talking to one of the hot guys, and the chair was not there, as it had been moved.

BAM! Right smack on my ass, in the most ungraceful way possible, with my legs flying straight up in the air, drink flying up in the air as well. My loyal friends laughed so hard that one of them had to sit down on the floor with me and had tears streaming down her face. "OH MY GAAAAAHD, YOUR FACE - YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE, HAAAAA!!!!"

Bitches.

Happy Bday, dooce.com!

Here is my most embarrassing design story. (Yes, I have to categorize my most embarrassing stories, there are just so many to choose from)

It was several years ago and I was working on a big freelance design project. It included a logo, website and coordinating print materials for a upstart company called "The Program Consulting." They were trying to facilitate sports recruiting for college coaches and also scholarship-hunting for high school athletes. The classic moment came after seeing the printed version of one of the brochures I created. See, I had purchased a stock photo for a background pic on the pamphlet. Since it represented all sports and the pamphlet was geared at recruiting recruiters, I selected a picture of the hands of a cheering crowd. Sounds innocent, no?

The damn things had gone to press, and it wasn't until I got a panicked call from my client that my most embarrassing moment was unleashed. Unbeknownst to me (even after working on this thing for weeks) one of the shape of one of the cheering hands resembled a penis. Yes, a PENIS. Smack in the middle of the back of the brochure was a penis, clear as day. Now that I've anazlyed it so much, I have NO CLUE how no clue how NO ONE spotted it during the proofing process. It is rather glaring... oh well.

Since this is a most embarrassing moment requires visual props, you can click my name to see the offending appendage.

Total fluke. I ended up getting my money back from the stock photo company (I'm sure the letter I sent them is framed on the wall somewhere) and the pamphlets were reprinted sans wee wah. We tried to get them to reprint them for free since they messed up the line screen and gave me a really grainy print, but I can't remember if we got away with that or not.

Damn sneaky pee pees.

FYI, company is now defunct... not that the penis brochure had anything to do with it. I think they were bought out by a larger firm. Soft porn maybe?

Yes, Jamie F is a superstar. His speech made me cry.
Brandi R and Katie bbaw's sister Mary made me LMAO -- laugh my Altoid out

Oh, Brandi, I can just see that -- achoo--BOOM!

Sorority Girl. Oh my god am I laughing! Pisssss!

Strizz:
http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/10_26_2004.html

Thanks I knew someone could do it!!!

My most embarrassing moment was at my high school graduation. I figured the announcers would mispronounce my last name as it is more unusual, but they misprounounced my first name.

Had I been graduating in a Commonwealth country, it wouldn't have sounded funny being prounounced...Regina...rhyming with, well, vagina. But being American and Southern, my name has always been pronounced Regina ... rhyming with Bosnia-Herzegovina. Okay, I may have a Merriam-Webster's Rhyming dictionary.

Anyway, there's nothing like your whole high school thinking vagina when you go to pick up your diploma. And my grandma and grandpa was there for hell's sake.

To this day I relive that moment and think I should have said "why don't you just call me pussy!"

My coworkers gave me a certificate for best misspelled name on junk mail "Vegina." Of course they're using their best Canadian accent to hassle me. I've really got a name that keeps on giving!

Bignik that has to be the funniest thing I have ever seen. You know whoever created that paper did totally did that on purpose. That thing cannot possibly be a finger. It is definitely a wee wah.

I am hungry.

Most embarrassing moment:

Several years ago I took a trip with some friends to Durango for the day. We were going up there to score some clove cigarettes (illegal in New Mexico) and do some hiking (I did say several years ago)
We at a very popular Italian Restaurant and headed to the mountains for some hiking. Unfortunately I got food poisoning. Here I was up in the mountains and I had to go.. really bad. The only option was a porta potty. It was dark by then. I ran into the potty and sat down and start shitting out my colon when I realized someone before me had shit on the seat. I sat down in shit. Someone else's shit. Plus. There was no toilet paper or any way to wash anything off. I had to drive to the nearest public restroom with shit on my ass. My friends were busy retching and hanging their heads outside the windows.

Worst. Trip. Ever.

Big Gay Sam....I hate when that happens.

Here, Strizz, finish off this birfday cake . . .

No no cake!!

You should never NEVER EVER sit on a seat you can't take a gander at first!

My most embarrassing moment:

I was sleeping next to my boyfriend after, *ahem*, spending our first night together. Sometime in the early morning I let out a fart so monstrous that it woke us both up out of a sound sleep. He literally LEAPT out of bed and ran across the room with the most terrified and bewildered look on his face. He's in the Air Force and I do believe that in his sleepy state he thought he was under mortar attack or something.

And he STILL married me!

I've been reading your blog since I was pregnant. Leta's a month older than my boy. I've never posted before but Heather-know that you have made me laugh, cry, and crave tequila.

Thanks for being you and letting me know that I wasn't the only one who felt as if giving birth meant the loss of my sanity. These days things are A LOT better, but I still have my moments. Although everything makes sense when Jacob puts his head on my shoulder.

Amanda :)

Okay, not so embarrassing as far as these things go, but since I recounted it last night, it's fresh in memory, so here it is.

About a year after I left home and was living in a hip college town (working as a labourer) I went to see an artist friend at her shared house. One of the roomies was G., the very hip younger brother of a well-known cartoonist, a golden boy with Adonis looks and locks, and whom, by way of his near-fame, his good looks and some familiarity with an acoustic guitar, was cultivating his way through the upper echelons of ultra-hip curvaceous babes. I, of course, was about as talented, attractive and otherwise blessed as a shovelful of shit, so I was not even allowed to hang around with this cool crowd. Anyway, I'm there to see my friend, and am told by whomever answered the door that she was upstairs in the room on the right. I see the door is open as I reach the top step, and start talking in advance of actually arriving at the door. Halfway across the doorframe I see that it's G, butt naked, and banging R., the statuesque and equally aloof young manager of the local organic restaurant. He was grunting, she was moaning, the two of them were writhing about and entirely oblivious to the fact that the door was open and that I was about five feet from them. The shock of seeing these two self-absorbed stars going at it with abandon stopped me in my tracks, in mid-sentence. I stood there for an eternity, jaw agog, before finally deciding that an exit would be appropriate. I suspect that they were still oblivious to me when I said 'I'll try again later' and backed out of the room.

This scene was repeated several years later with an old high school friend - a woman who was now a nursing student. We shared a 3-room house with another guy, and were pretty casual with each other but not involved. One day I knocked on her door to ask a question, then opened the door when I heard her speak - before realising that she was wasking me to wait a second. There she was, naked, and in a lotus position on the bed, with a guy I didn't know, and they were clearly in the midst of foreplay.

Things were a little awkward after that.

hey now! it was dark! I couldn't see. It wasn't my fault damn it! It was food poisoning! *sob*

What kind of cookies kalki? I make cookies just so I can eat the dough. MMM Chocolate chip. I make a mean ass peanut butter cookie dipped in chocolate. *sigh* Thanks for bringing that up.

01234, seriously dude...your a peeping tom. LMAO

I'm making snickerdoodles, a word which sounds like anything BUT cookies. They're chewy and cinnamony. I'm like you, though - I'll eat half the dough before they get in the oven.

One time I shut an escalot off, you know that red button under the glass case. (I was YOUNG! OK SHIT) And there were people on it!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA

It beeps loud if you do that.

shit disturber

*Ms Striz* - So Right. You'll be glad to hear about the time I came home from high school to the sounds of my father and some woman going at it. I needed to pee, and the bathroom was next to his bedroom. The bathroom had two doors - and one of them was to his room. It was bad enough having to pee in the presence of the racket they were making, but the worst part was that I arrived just in time to hear her say that she loved the size of his organ.

I was doing my homework in the dining room when the student teacher from my history class came down the hall from his room.

Katie-be, RE: "Mary"
I went to a town wide halloween party when Pulp fiction was THEE movie as Uma Therman, after she over dosed. Here I am looking like I have coke and blood all over my face and I run up to this man in a wheel chair and GUSH about how awsome his LT. Dan costume is. I keep saying LT. Dayaan all southern. My friends come over because I am fishing around trying to figure out how he got his legs to look like they're missing. Turns out he was a homeless war vet and not even in a costume! By then half the damn town was standing around horified for the poor man, and laughing at my dumb ass. The funny thing is a really good friend of mine was with us and his name is Forest, so I turn and yell run Forest, run!

01234, that is the craziest shit ever. You should write a screenplay.

snickerdoodle: when you shit your pants laughing

lovely pic n' all, but I MISS LETA!

I know a new Newsletter will be out in just a couple days, but I've been going through total Leta withdrawl here!

OK, Mouse, I respect your authority in such matters. I will double the VBD's food, and cut some eyeholes for him and we'll see what happens. Thank you, Mouse.

Lots of pizza over the weekend there Mouse.

LOTS of pizza.

Thought of one more:

When my dad came back from the Gulf in 1990, he stood up in front of 200 people and said "when I left for the Gulf Laurie was just a little girl. I come back and she's had her first period and is wearing a bra."

My mom, my sister and I just about died.

most recent embare-assing moment:

I took my "got the holy devil in him", 5 yr old son to "The Rainforest Cafe" for which there was a 1 hour and 20 minute wait to get a table. He had to go to the potty, crotch holding bad, so I of course had to take him into the ladies room with me. While we were there I decided to give a whiz too. The available stall was the handicap one, which was fortunate because then we can both fit in at the same time. Little John the devil son goes first, then it was my turn. I said to him, "stand right here (by the door) and don't touch anything - there are germs in here." No sooner do I have the pants down and am IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DEED when I can see the "I've got the most clever idea face" on my son. I knew something bad was going to happen. Well, he ever so gently reached up and slid the door latch over to release the OUTWARD SWINGING door which ever so gently swung open to fully reveal me peeing. There were 5 or 6 people standing at the sinks (watching me via the ceiling to counter mirror- finish pee, scoot with pants down to grab the door which is now fully opened OUT, and seething to my son not to ever do that again through my red hot clenched teeth)After the door was closed I wiped my sorry ass, put my clothing back in order, exited the bathroom and walked with my head held high back to our table and proceeded to have a good time, after all, I survived two 18 hour labors where the entire hospital staff got to see my mucous spewing genitalia on display -in all its glory. Did I mention that I am a very modest person?

Hey Hoover, how was yer weekend? (um, that was for Trance)

Oh no jp keep sharing!

This new years eve I got piss drunk and wanted to go outside for some air. I thought I might ralf. So I'm bent over this ditch preparing to toss cookies and my foot slipped, and I didn't have to puke anymore. I landed flat on my face in a muddy sandy spot. The only one who saw me was MM's dog. I looked up and said "Go fetch help Woofer, timmy's fallen in the well." I was covered in sand. Even the next morning I still had sand in my ear, and grit in my teeth.

Mouse, there is a large "adopt a greyhound" sign in a new york airport. I saw it today and thought of you, you poor neglected dog.

Susie said at 07:42AM, 02.28.2005:
Embarrassing near-miss:

I love it Susie! since your marriage, have you ever confessed to your Auntie M what was really going on that night?

you know those days...when it's sunny outside and hot and you work downtown in a stuffy building and therefore are required to wear pantyhose and crisp clothing?

and you've just graduated high school and you're so excited to have this internship and your first real paycheck before you go away to college?

and you have to ride the bus because parking downtown would eat up your entire paycheck?

and so you have to walk five blocks to get to your building, because the city transportation system doesn't "do" curbside service?

and so as you are walking, you notice people staring at you? abnormal staring? staring with their mouths wide open and they are honking as they drive by?

and you're thinking "what's different about today that people are staring so unabashedly?"

and you feel a breeze on your legs, and it feels so nice because you live in Dallas and it's already 110 degrees at 8:10am?

and then you casually look down and realize that your nice, crisp skirt has worked it's way up around your waist and everything else is hanging out for all to see?

nine years later and i am still traumatized.

I think most embarrasing moment craze has been the best reason not to work today. It's good to be human.

OMG!!! meREDith...I'm LMAO!!!

That's the best so far.

meREDith, that is so cute. Calls to mind that book, "How to be Your Own Best Friend," Chapter 1, smile and wave at yourself! Heehee

Annejellyn, that was a LONG time ago, we're married 22 years next month, and sadly, Auntie died some years back. She never knew. Either she was the most innocent, purest person ever, which I think is the case, or she was totally messing with us, which is also a possibility, because she was just a little ornery, too.

We here in NYC are about to get a foot of snow...to bad we have no hills to ski down!

You know how we simultaneously had Self-Portrait Thursday and Ta-Tas Thursday last week? I'm wondering if we shouldn't break those up in the future, so that the self portraits *and* the ta tas get their due without competing with each other.

Maybe next week, we could have Mammary Monday?

I thought Mondays was for MonkeyButts!?

"local talent" i like that term.

FART Friday

Girl.A -- bring on the monkey butts!

And yes, Amanda B, as I have to keep patiently explaining to you:

monkey=vagina

You can deny the truth all you want, but the monkey don't lie.

Fridays are for CHUCK! Sheesh.

yes, but only a few of the talents here have monkeys who twirl a batton!

A FIRE baton?

MeREDith! That's a wonderful story. Get it copywritten, because someone is going to want to use it now, in a book, in a movie, in a play! Hilarious!

none of those days of the week themes will work unless we somehow fit Leta in, um somewhere...ya know, how the hell do you include an adorable baby in all this cwrap?), um, maybe between 'Ta-tahs Tuesday' and 'Thong Thursdays?'

and Friday has been secured already for Chuck

a fart dream. LMAO!

Why is potty humor so fuuny? We all get the runs yet we still laugh when someone just says it. I am making a drink and dedicating it to dooceaholics every where. The flaming monkey, if you will.

I already posted my most embarrassing moment a few days ago. To summarize, it involved taking my four-year-old daughter on a Ferris wheel while pregnant, after standing in line in the hot sun for about 20 minutes. It also ended up involving copious amounts of vomit. I actually considered using my purse to catch it; maybe I should have...the operator would not have had to stop the ride so we could get off.

My daughter was really sweet about it, telling me "it's OK, mommy"...until I got off and I tried to take her hand to run to the nearest funnel cake stand to grab some napkins...she WOULD NOT hold my hand for anything!

Meredith, that story is so incredibly funny. I have to say that I have, on occasion, for just an instance, mind you, thought my reflection was someone else in a restaurant. I never went to far as to walk into myself, but I wouldn't put it past myself to actually do that. I definitely agree that Lisa Kudrow is the only one who could play Meredith in the movie version.

It has been days and days and DAYS since we've had our Leta fix, what in the world? I need to see some cute squishy cheeks!

If you want to get your fix of squishy cheeks, go to my blog. I have a cute picture on there of my precious niece. She has some of the biggest cheeks I have ever seen!

But I STILL want to see Leta. We haven't seen her since the day she learned to crawl! Waaah!

yeah, jp, that's just wrong. Looked like some giant lazy susan.

What is with Oprah and movie stars? Every time you turn her show on she is interviewing Julia Roberts, or something.

Oh Meredith...oh sweetie...lol...the beautiful woman in that mirror was you. Glad you met finally though!

You know I like Oprah enough, but she could use her show to bring awareness to things that matter beside Julia's twins mirtle and firtle or whatever. She's a celebrity suck ass.

I also posted a couple of my more embarassing moments yesturday.

I have another one that really is very very mildly embarassing since I'm not sure anyone actually saw.

I lived in an apartment on the fourth floor. I had just moved in and didn't get curtains for my windows but I figured since I lived on the top floor and didn't have any other buildings that high around it would be fine to have sex right in front of the patio door. Well a few weeks later I was driving to my parking spot and looked up in the direction of my apartment and discovered that from the parking lot there is actually a great view INTO my apartment. I am sure that had anyone looked they would have seen me having sex.

JP...you still mad I didn't give you that Mini-Van??? Hmmmm? child you gotta get over that.

Happy 4th Blog Birthday Dooce and by the way...a BIG EXCUSE YOU! A desk moving fart is a hell of a bigass fart.

Burdanilex-Do you remember Tai bo? Well, I too lived on the second floor without another building, and so I bust out billy blanks, 20 minutes into my fumbling routine I look out the slider to see a small crowd has gathered to view the spectical.

Yikes I can't imagine how embarassing it would have been if I had actually seen someone watching me. I don't mind putting on a show... just not in front of people I will see on any kind of regular basis and who might actually know my name LOL

I'm not a fan of Oprah, though I am a big fan of some of the books she's had on her book club list.

I simply admire that she got people reading, and reading books they might not have read otherwise.

And if you have a problem with her focusing on Julia Roberts and her babies or on consumer goods, please keep in mind who Oprah's audience is.

People aren't going to tune in to her show in the great numbers they do just to hear about Anna Karenina or the Tsunami or charity work or women rocking the vote.

I think she does pretty well at broadening horizons, all things considered. And in comparison to every other major network talk show host.

Mrs.W- I am so glad to know I am not the only one who bloodied up a boyfriends couch. Only I didn't run until he tells me not to worry It was an accident, goes to the store to get me hygene products only to return with 40 rolls of toilet paper, tampons, pads, and an assortment of cleaner including carpet cleaner!

So I'm sure everyone is getting sick of all my mildly embarassing stories but I've got many so here is another.

When I was in grade 4 or 5 I was always made fun of and so hated playing outside. To avoid it I'd hide in the bathroom reading during lunch. No one knew anything until one day my sister told them. I was made fun of always having to use the bathroom for a long long time after that.

That's pretty. :)
You'd like this t-shirt store where you submit your own slogans: http://www.omgclothing.com

The sad part is, I have no idea why I didn't stop. I was so entranced with the fact that she looked the EXACT SAME WAY I was feeling. She looked like "I know you, I know I do".

I've just realized (embarrassing moment #3) That I am referring to me as she. Okay, I'm quitting while I'm ahead, er, behind.

So what ABOUT Matt Damon?!?!?

Ok another of mine and one of my friends moments (which made me laugh and cringe in sympathy for her both at the same time).

I was in Air cadets when I was like twelve. I became friends with some of the girls there and as a joke to keep us amused we'd write love notes to eachother. My bitch of a sister (who was always trying to take my friends and embarass me) told the teacher what I was writing. The teacher took one of the notes and read it to the class. Of course the girls not wanting to be embarassed denied that they had written such notes and that I was a weirdo.

I found out in 4th grade that I could stimulate my clit and have a great feeling come from it. So I would take a pencil in class and either through my pants or under my skirt, take the eraser part and rub it fast and hard on my clit. I didn't want kids to know what I was doing so I would be like look how long I can hold my breath and how red I can make my face. Well one day a little boy looked under the desk and saw what I was doing. He told the other kids that I was sticking a pencil down there. All the kids were like ewwwwwwww......I swore up and down that I just happened to have my pencil in my hand and that I could make my face that red with my hands on the desk. So I did and they believed me. I was so relieved they did but I never tried that in class again.

crickets....

Yeah, the crickets were chirping after Burdanilex's story. Haha. Don't feel bad Burdanilex. I found out about the stimulation thing when I was about 11 and was at the park with my friend. We were sitting on the swings when we got the idea to sit on it like a horse, with the swing between our legs. We were swinging back and forth, and I think we had simultaneous orgasms. We just sort of looked at one another with that look of "Oh My GOD!!!"

Ok seriously I will stop with the stories soon. I just have a couple more to tell. But before I do. Karen that must have been so mortifying. I have nothing but sympathy for you for that experience.

Two more stories from me.

Oh and of course I have some puking from drinking too much stories. One of the first times I had ever gotten drunk I was at a party and had 3 or 4 beers. So I'm hanging out on the couch talking to a boy when suddenly I puked all over him and the couch and myself. LOL

I used to go to this bar that had 25 cent highballs until midnight. I drank many triple rye and cokes and felt very sick. So I decided to get some air. I'm sitting outside against the bar and people were making bets on how long it would be until I puked. I kept saying NO not going to be sick... when of course I was. I puked all over the sidewalk and stained it for about 6 months.

Annjelynn, what a sweet guy! I went out to this bar for my 27th bday and drank four martinis, two beers, and a shot of tequilla where I got kicked out for dancing on the charity poker table and stealing chips from the dealer when he wasn't looking. Woke up at the bottom of my stairs naked and wearing cowboy boots. Thought that was the end of my night, turns out we went to another bar where I did shots of comacasis and bellyshots with a bunch of girls I didn't know. The only reason I found that out is because I recently went back the the said bar where the bartender remembered me and showed me pictures of myself.

I have so enjoyed your photography, Heather. Thank you for sharing your talents with us. :)

Amy that is absolutely hilarious!!!

I have another embarrassing story from junior high school. When I was in seventh grade, I was quite possibly the dorkiest, lankiest, tallest girl in the entire school. To top it off, I always wore pants that were just a tad short on me, since it was impossible to find Girls size 12 that were long enough for my lanky-ass legs. So for once, my mom bought me this great pair of white jeans that fit me just right. I was going through the lunch line and was quite excited because it was breadsticks and marinara sauce day. My friends and I loved these breadsticks, not only for their flavor, but because they resembled penises, or so we thought. They were just breadsticks, but anything long looks like a penis to a twelve year old. Anyway, I bought my breadsticks and marinara, and walked proudly to my table. I thought I was really cool with my white jeans and white ESPRIT bag that I had tossed over my shoulder. For some unknown reason, probably because I was a dork, some bitch put her foot out and tripped me, sending the marinara sauce all over my awesome white jeans and over my ESPRIT bag. I stood up and everyone was laughing at me. I ran to the bathroom and cried for about a half hour and then went to the nurse because I was so upset. That was definitely way more embarrasing than even my fake silicon boob popping out of my bra in twelfth grade (Refer to entry #68). At least that happened when I was 18. Being 12 and having food spilled all over your awesome jeans and ESPRIT bag has to be the worst!!!

Annejellyn, I am totally laughing my ass off right now!!! I have actually always wanted to put my mouth right under one of those fountains. You are awesome!

Some people here may have read this on me blog in January, but...

On Christmas Eve, I was sitting in the living room of my BF's parents' farmhouse, surrounded by the works of taxidermists, having just changed the tv from the Speed Channel, when the I heard that the fucking weak-ass Folger's was ready. I was so excited for caffeine that I flew into the kitchen - quickly sauntering by the cupboards which my BF's mother so quaintly adorned with ginormous fake pewter knobs in the form of ROOSTERS. Complete with claws. Those claws clawed at me as I sprinted by, thereby causing my silk pj pants to be violently ripped in half in a "split-second", causing them to fall to the floor whilst I was not wearing any panties.

When I RETARDEDLY, out of semi-demurity and in the shock of the moment, BENT OVER to grab the shreds of my pants off the floor, it just so HAPPENED, there was a 65-year-old NRA member sitting at the kitchen table, reading the morning paper, his eyes with bifocals HAPPENED to be just at crap-hole level. Sitting right beside him is my friend's sweet country mother. Covered in her pale peach fuzz and smelling like apple fritters. Raising her eyebrows. "Oh my!", she said.

I never thought I would be in a situation where I was naked from the waist down, bent in half and looking back to see these two people...

And what did I do? I grabbed the first thing in my reach, a 2004 Muscle Cars Calendar splayed on the counter, just that morning taken down from the fridge, about to be replaced with the 2005 version, and I quickly wrapped it around my waist while I turned around and backed out of the room. The back of my Muscle Car Hospital Lap Gown faced the doorway to the dining room, and my friend who was clasping his hand over his mouth. And then, I don't know what possessed me, I curtsied. Then ran out of the room.

My BF came to my room about 10 minutes later. His first snide remark, after he stopped laughing long enough to speak -

BF: At least your audience did not comment on how, you not really being a Brazilian and all, that you should just stop pretending.
Me: Fuck YOU DICKWAD! [I yelled at the top of my lungs, while laughing. Not realizing they could hear me for miles.]
BF:Well, that will pretty much confirm her suspicions... [chuckling]
Me: Wha?
BF: This is what my mom asked when you left the room: "Is she a Christian?"
Me: What did you say to her?
BF: I just shrugged.

curtsy = nice touch
did you get to keep the muscle cars calendar?

karen...I would think the other person on the toilet would have had the brains to lock the door?? So 'tweren't your fault, honey!

OMG you people have me making horrible noises trying not to laugh here at work! A room full of people trying to take tests for jobs and I'm snorting and giggling - nice and professional-like. LMFAO

Hello - I tried to post earlier and couldn't get through: " MeREDith! I love your story - hilarious - you should get it copywritten before someone makes a lot of money off of it!" But reading the last post- I hope those other fruits did not have the same effect on you. So, did you dump him?

So now Leta has chicken pox? I hated chicken pox. I am still telling on you. Does ANYONE have God's cell phone number? I will pay money for it.

greenthumb - see, I interpreted the XXX to be a kind of blight on his character - or like the sign of a doofus: you know how they always put XXX over cartoon character's eyes when there's nothing going on behind them?

Mamaramma -

I did not dump him - my best girlfriend (also witness to the entire evening and that particular exchange and a recovering alcoholic (18 years and counting)) assured me that he was exasperated and literally pushed to his limit, ie he was not EVIL and ABUSIVE, I WAS the EVIL one at the time. She also will not reveal the details of naked part of the story (which I have blacked out apparently to protect myself from my own memories), except to say that XXX had gotten me out of the pee-soaked clothes and I decided I still wanted to party. Hmmmm. I won't press for answers on that one! Good girlfriend I have...and no, she doesn't think I am an alcoholic, either. I learned my lesson!

XXX is to protect the innocent - I know my sis and cousin read dooce occasionally and I wouldn't want them to connect me to he by his unusual name...there are enough michelles in the world (and on this board) that I figure they'd overlook the post as something SO OUT OF CHARACTER for me...and if they do...I know their respective most embarassing moments to spill.

All - have a good night - I'm off to a business dinner and a single glass (not bottle) of wine.

TTFN!

Loved the Leego post. I think she's just lovin' her name. And she's owning her power, by invoking her own name when she wants to make something happen. But that's just me.

OK, so I really want to do this blog thing now. I want to jump on this blog-bandwagon that Heather has started. Where can I do one for free where I can also post photos? Is that possible? I know a teeny bit about HTML, but not much.

Burdanilex, please tell me you're not from Maryland and around 22 years old now... A math teacher I worked with had an 8th grader who would sit on her foot and rock back and forth during class. Everyone knew what she was doing.

I love Leego. She is funny, especially the fact that she whimpers her name when she's upset. That's just too cute.

Bucky- Honk Honk.

I am jealous. Do you know I took a pic of the Nashville skyline and only like 1 little building seemed to poke up. You guys have more than we do and it snows there all the time. WTF?

OK, it's late - but I just thought of one!

It was a few years ago, I was in a crowded neighborhood southside Chicago bar (not the highest class joing) and as I was coming out of the bathroom, a guy kept shouting at me "hey lady!"...I thought he was just trying to hit on me so I ignored him, despite several attempts on his part to get my attention. When I got back to my table, he actually walked up to me and said, "I just wanted to let you know that you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe"

Sure enough, attached to my right stilleto heel was a 8 foot long sheet of toilet paper.

And then, the realization that this guy didn't really want me...he was just being nice.

I felt like such a bitch.

Leta GO!!! You GO, girl! GO, Leta, GO! Leeeego!

My daughter, whose name is Molly, used to say 'Mah-ee go' when she wanted to go somewhere. It came out 'my ego'. Turned out to be an omen...

Greenthumb-that might be the best story of the day. But I'm not sure "embarrassing" is the right word to describe the experience...but it is funny!

Varicella??? poor Leta