Already starting to feel the pain and it was only 9:45 in the morning
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
601. Trance said:
Dooce, you look all tough in that picture. "FEAR ME AND MY MAD SKILLS!"
602. StarGazer said:
Only the comment section at Dooce could be full of toilet humor - but at the same time - educational!
I'll never look at a monkey the same. Although, I prefer monkey to bearded clam. Now that's just crude. Clams are nasty!
603. Mrs.Strizzay said:
clam burger
604. Trance said:
MONKEY?? That's a new one on me, man.
605. StarGazer said:
Striz - what's worse, clam burger or clam nugget.
ewww. I'm grossing out.
606. TulsaOkie said:
I didn't know human flesh could turn that color of red. That is some talent you have there Dooce!
So, will I be exiled to the isle of lepers if I admit I have no idea what Project Runaway is? Just wondering.
607. Mrs.Strizzay said:
Did you know that the wizard of oz is like from right around here and stuff.
608. Circus Kelli said:
the niffer said at 10:55AM, 02.24.2005:
I missed something. When did fannies become pussies?
-----------
Somewhere over the "pond" between the states and England
609. Mrs.Strizzay said:
A clam nugget sounds like a turd, a cooter turd. If you come into contact with a clam nugget back away. And run.
610. TexaRican said:
Not at all, Tulsa. I had to Google for it myself! :)
611. Circus Kelli said:
MrBob: Banana Belt! I LOVE IT! Especially with the "cape" visual.
Besides, everyone knows banana belts are *way* more stylish than our Southern bible belts...
612. TexaRican said:
"Clam nugget??!!!"
LOL, reminds me of something my mom used to say:
"You better stop that or I'm gonna knock a popcorn fart out of you!"
Still don't know what that one means.
613. Susie said:
Monkeys wear banana belts. I just can't accept monkey=vagina. We have enough words for vagina. I just want monkeys to be monkeys. They're entertaining enough on their own.
614. Mrs.Strizzay said:
dance monkey dance?
615. Torrie said:
Poonani
616. Susie said:
Mrs. Strizz, I have a lovely photograph of a very nicely dressed monkey that I think you would enjoy, based on your request re:Leta (dance, monkey, dance) yesterday. But I couldn't figure out how to email it to you. Did I miss your email address on your site, or do you just not want (very) strange people emailing you?
617. Amanda B. said:
My Monkey would not like being called a Vagina. Not that he doesn't appreciate them and whatnot. It just sort of takes away his identity and monkey manlyhoodedness.
618. Mrs.Strizzay said:
susie I love to get email, especially if it is marked "lose lots of weight here fatty" or "she likes it big". I am saddened that I have never recieved a "cum soaked barn sluts" email.
Mrsstray@hotmail.com
619. Circus Kelli said:
Strizz baby, you crack my shit up.
(I figured it had been a while since someone mentioned poop...)
620. Mrs.Strizzay said:
pop that coochie
621. Effie said:
Hey Dang Cold,
There's a Tim Hortons in Thornbury now, eh? Meaford-ites just like scarecrows I guess. On the way into Meaford every winter they have those great big snowmen made out of bales of hay and then they take out a bale at a time when things are thawing in the spring--quite cute!
622. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
ew... Dance monkey dance definitely has a whole new meaning.
623. squish said:
#560
I've been wondering what that song meant for 15 years. It all makes sense now.
"shock the monkey tonight" HA!
624. Torrie said:
POONANI
625. Mrs.Strizzay said:
sweet meat
626. squish said:
Jo is writing a dissertation on Ovid. All the fanny talk is also beginning to make sense. =)
627. Annejelynn said:
holy shit! over 600 comments already?
628. Mrs.Strizzay said:
I am sick
629. that-andrea said:
You really are.
630. wondering said:
dooce,
i am sure that i am going to get figuratively stoned for mentioning this, but, doen't you ever feel just the slightest bit WRONG making a mockery of Jesus? i am not talking about mormonism or religion, i am talking about the actual Jesus who laid down His life for you (whether you want to admit it or not). surely one such as yourself has to know that the way you make light of Him isn't right.
631. Annejelynn said:
how the hell can one catch up here? it's not even noontime here (Vegas) and there's over 600 comments...??? maybe tonight will be another break 1000 quest...
632. Effie said:
I always thought that monkey was something completely different, as in "he went home and spanked the monkey all night" and a muff or a beaver was what the girl had...
Naive me, I suppose
633. Annejelynn said:
Hey, wondering....
The answer to your question may depend on whether or not one (not necessarily Heather) even believes in Jesus, right?
634. Dang Cold.. said:
Hey Effie. Yeah they opened up a Tims there. I stop at that one once in a while. It took them forever to build it. Still prefer to head to Meaford as its a nice drive. Have you been to Pipers in Thornbury? Do you know the name of that Meaford family thats been fishing in Georgian baby for over 100 years?? They have a shop there. The whole region seems to know them. Apparantly they're out of business now I'm told.
635. Susie said:
OK, Mrs. S., I sent it. Look for FAT MONKEY from whatwasit. And it's a monkey, not a . . . just a monkey.
636. kendra said:
Effie:
Just in case Dang Cold isn't kickin' around...the Timmy's is on the right as you are entering Meaford going west on 26.
637. Dang Cold.. said:
kendra right across from the beer store correct?
638. kendra said:
I believe so. And the McDonalds too I think.... It's been about a year since I've been in that neck of the woods, and at the time I was focused more on the Tims than the Beerstore / McDonalds.
639. Gooooder said:
DOOCE.COM: WHERE PETER GABRIEL'S A HUGE PERVERT!!
640. StarGazer said:
To wondering (#630) -
Not everyone believes the whole Jesus thing, so feeling bad about mocking him doesn't really come into play.
I'm just saying.
641. Gooooder said:
wondering:
i think the mocking is FUNNY AS HELL.
and i dont think she is *always* mocking. nope.
sorry in advance.
642. just saying said:
Whether you believe in Him or not doesn't really negate who He is.
643. kendra said:
I agree StarGazer. I'm more of an evolution fan than a Jesus-fan.
644. Dang Cold.. said:
my jesus is Tim Horton and the coffee therein hallelujah!!!
645. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Dear Wondering,
I think Dooce has a belief system of her own, one that has probably taken a lifetime. So I would consider keeping your mouth shut in regards to her religious beliefs.
I think that comment merits "Wondering" being dubbed with the moniker ASS TROLL.
646. kendra said:
YAY God. Praise Timmy.
647. kalki said:
StarGazer: I love that you just said "the whole Jesus thing." Kinda like "the whole Santa thing" or "the whole toothfairy thing." Let's face it - to some of us, they're all pretty much the same.
648. Susie said:
I do believe the "whole Jesus thing." I see Heather as mocking people, ideologies, not Jesus. But that's just me.
Now back to monkeys, or genital euphemisms, or directions to a McD's in Canada . . .
649. Dang Cold.. said:
praise timmy indeed and hook me up with a turkey sandwich and a cheese croissant!!
650. Gooooder said:
well, if you dont believe HE exists, i'd have to say it is hard to negate it. i mean, i know jesus did exist at one time. but um, if you dont believe HE exists still as whatever.
You cant negate zero? it is neither positive nor negative!
anyway, back to poop related discussions.
DOOCE.COM: WHERE POOP AND MONKEY DISCUSSION IS PREFERRED ABOVE ALL ELSE
651. wondring said:
what i don't understand is how you can NOT believe in Jesus, but believe in some ridiculous theory. do you really truly think that the earth is over billions of years old? if this is as good as things have gotten after BILLIONS of years evolving, i'd hate to see what we came from.
652. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
It doesn't negate who CAPITAL HE is, but whether or not someone believes in HIM doesn't negate the fact that you are an ASS TROLL.
653. Annejelynn said:
One last comment regarding the J.C. thing from 'wondering' -for the sake of argument only-
"(whether you want to admit it or not)"
Technically, christianity is in the religious minority out there, amongst buddhists, muslims, etc. The whole "whether your believe it or not" appeal is quite weak.
654. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
wondring: All of science trembles before your searin' logic.
655. kalki said:
just saying/wondering (#642): um yeah, it kinda does.
I 2nd Katie-be-bored's comment.
656. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Just don't be mockin' Donny Osmond on here.
657. Gooooder said:
katie-be-bored:
*laughing so hard i have to pee*
since we know ass trolls exist for definite, there's no way that can be negated! and also, i just got a mental image of what an ass troll looks like and it aint pretty.
wootwoot!
658. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Unfortunately for you, Wondering, you haven't evolved at all.
And yes, the universe is billions of years old. Get used to it. I believe in the Jesus thing, but I don't think Jesus will think I am ridiculous for thinking that.
659. wondering said:
it doesn't matter whether or not you mock Him/believe in Him/hate him-whatever. He still exists. that's my point. but, of course, you will call me ignorant, crazy, or both.
660. kendra said:
I think everyone should have their opinions...that's what makes us interesting and able to debate things such as religion vs. evolution...
Evolution provides more proof in my opinion.
661. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
I love when I make people urinate from laughing so hard.
662. Vote Counter said:
Show of hands for BOTH?
663. Gooooder said:
and wondering one more thang:
the thing that pisses me off the most about creationist is that they throw over a hundred years of research and hardwork that uses scientific theory which has been used to save thousands and probably millions of lives and TOSS IT ASIDE, like meh!
so maybe next time you get an infection you should rub some oil on it instead of taking an antibiotic. ITS JUST A STUPID THEORY THAT IT CURES INFECTION!! BASED ON STUPID RESEARCH AND STUPID THEORIES. MEH!
ok, im done now.
664. Dang Cold.. said:
who built the ark
noah noah
who built the ark
brother noah built the ark
run tell it on the mountain
over the hills and everywhere
run tell it on the mountain
that tim horton is born
665. that-andrea said:
He still exists according to YOU, wondering. Give it a rest.
And now for some singing:
When you go on camping trips
you're stuck right out in nature
Forage in the forest like a primate
using sharpened tools instead of hotplates
Your thumb and forefinger
supposed to show you're not a wild beast
You can hear the noises at night time
They don't have to keep a certain bedtime
See in the shapes of my body
Leftover parts from the apes and MONKEYS!
666. TC said:
665
667. Gooooder said:
back to the ass troll question:
what does an ass troll look like??
668. Annejelynn said:
Hey, did y'all see our *Bucky Four-Eyes" on today's Self-Portrait Day site posting????
669. kalki said:
Missionary time is over. Now on to the more important issues: monkeys and poop. And of course monkey poop.
670. wondering said:
why am i an ass troll? really? did i bash anybody for their lifestyle? did i assume that anybody was a bad parent? maybe if i were sitting here making a bomb or feeding children drug-coated suckers, THEN i'd be an ass troll.
i haven't evolved? selective evolution, i guess.
dooce: proud supporter of selective evolution since 2001
671. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Just because the universe is over a billion years old doesn't mean that Jesus didn't exist, for crying out loud. That ass troll doesn't know what he's talking about. The bible says the universe was created in seven days but that can be like a metaphor, right? Maybe it was really seven billion years. People who look at things so cut and dry annoy me. Time is really just a human form of measurement anyway.
So there, Ass Troll!!!
672. kalki said:
Yeah, she is BEE-u-ti-ful!
673. Annejelynn said:
wondering, for what's is worth (not much, I know), I DON'T think you're an Ass troll....
your comments were of your opinion and weren't nasty in tone at all, I think...
674. TC said:
Darn it......I don't like that number, I'm not the devil!! I'm an angel.
675. kalki said:
(bucky is bee-u-ti-ful, not ass troll)
676. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
An ass troll can wear many different hats. Ass trolls come in many different shapes and sizes. Some ass trolls make drug coated suckers for children, yes. Other ass trolls pass judgment on others when it is unsolicited.
677. Gooooder said:
i was at the zoo once, even though i hate zoos, and i was watching the monkeys look like they wanna die through the glass and one pooped in his hand and held it up to the glass as a show for this little girl in a stroller.
she started screaming like he had somehow abused or violated her eyes. it was amazing.
678. wondering said:
i didn't pass judgement on her, for pete's sake. i asked her a question. i didn't say that she was going to Hell in a handbasket.
i think it's funny that you assumed i was a man.
crazy Jesus follower MUST be a man.
679. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
That is such a sad story - yet so poignant! That monkey simply wanted to share his only gift with that little girl. Monkey excrement - you can't get much more inventive than that.
680. Mrs.Strizzay said:
brass monkey
that funky monkey
681. Q said:
ROTFLMAO at the memory of me, age 16, on my knees for 2 hours in the middle of the night, crying quietly and repenting of my own first kiss, and all the while thinking my repenting was not going to be valid b/c I enjoyed it so much...
682. StarGazer said:
wondering said at 12:44PM, 02.24.2005:
why am i an ass troll? really?
-------------------
uhm, well I'm guessing that it was based on some of your ASSumptions, which led to the comments you posted.
Having said that - I don't think you are an ass troll, really. I just think you are admonishing someone for something YOU believe, without realizing that - it's just not that way for everyone and so your rules for Jesus-mocking decorum don't always apply to everyone. At least not as uniformly as you might believe.
I'm willing to let you have your beliefs, why can't you just do the same? I think you're wrong, you think I'm wrong. Ok, then. I can live with that and let it BE.
683. Ern said:
Wow, I came just in time for some really interesting discussion.
My question is, why does it have to be Evolution OR Creation? Can't both coexist? I believe in God, but also in evolution, which I have studied quite extensively.
Faith is personal, I wish there wasn't so much emphasis on believing in THE EXACT RIGHT THING.
And I don't see any ass-trolls here, just people not understanding one another.
684. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Sorry for using the incorrect personal pronoun. I will be more generic next time.
And I know plenty of Crazy Jesus followers that are women, Mr/Mrs. Wondering person.
685. Annejelynn said:
I can't remember if it was the San Diego zoo or in LA somewhere...the Gorillas would either shit or puke and eat it - I think it was both. It was always realllly reallly green. Out it would come, and hand to mouth, back in it would go. Thoroughly disgusting.
686. Pete said:
huh? for my sake??? oh please don't do me any favors. Please don't even involve me.
687. Mrs.Strizzay said:
Susie, your monkeys shoes are kick ass.
688. kalki said:
Gooooder: Thanks for getting us back on track. THAT'S what I'm talking about!
689. that-andrea said:
Okay! More singing then!
After seven days
He was quite tired so God said:
"Let there be a day
Just for picnics
with wine and bread"
He gathered up some people he had made
created blankets
and laid back in the shade
The people sipped their wine
and what with God there, they asked Him questions
Like: do you have to eat
or get your hair cut
in heaven?
And if your eye got poked out in this life
would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?
God shuffled his feet
and glanced around
at them
The people cleared their throats
and stared right back
at him
So he said "Once there was a boy
who woke up with blue hair
To him it was a joy
until he ran out
into the warm air -
He thought of how his friends would come to see;
would they laugh, or had he got some strange disease?"
God shuffled his feet
and glanced around
at them
The people cleared their throats
and stared right back
at him
The people sat waiting
out on their blankets in the garden
but God said nothing
So someone asked him "Beg your pardon:
I'm not quite clear
about what you just spoke.
Was that a parable
or a very subtle joke?"
690. Gooooder said:
yes monkey excrement is preferred
691. Annejelynn said:
StarGazer, your last comment...well said!
692. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Striz,
Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys happens to be my 3 1/2 year old's favorite song.
Try going on a long road trip with a kid singing that song over and over.
693. Mrs.Strizzay said:
It is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey
694. Karen Rani said:
664. Dang Cold....ROFL!!!!
You people ROCK horses fannies.....love ya'll!
A fellow Tim Horton worshipper and owner of one beaver/muff/set of meat curtains....whatever you wanna call it.
OF FRANCE!
695. Torrie said:
Um, jesus died a long time ago, and he didn't know me so I'm pretty sure he didn't die for me. He was an awesome guy, but really, there have been a lot of awesome people who have died and I don't think we should worship them either. I'm a good person and I don't think saying a few hail mary's or whatever is going to make a damn bit of difference. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, am a vegetarian, help little old ladies across the street, etc. If I'm going to hell because I don't say a few words that's a chance I'm willing to take.
Commence stoning.
DARWIN.... of France!
696. Mrs.Strizzay said:
RE: 628...I really am..in a non emotional way. I keep going poop but nothing solid is coming out. And now I have to run....
697. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Okay, to simmer things down, I am sorry Mr./Mrs. Wondering person that I called you an Ass Troll. That was mean. I guess I get hot under the collar when people lambaste others' for the religious beliefs and disbeliefs.
698. Ern said:
The comments are coming fast and furious! I get behind just typing my own.
If your brass balls are freezing off, I'll send you some warm California sun via the www.
*HEAVE*
Did ya get it?
699. Gooooder said:
striz - you crack me up consistently.
also, for any parents who worry about the color and consistency of their kids poop, i use to love KABOOM cereal and well, it makes yer poo green.
so look out.
OF FRANCE!
700. Susie said:
Thank you, Mrs. S. My daughter received a lot of "dress-ups" for Christmas from Santa's "ho ho ho" collection; the kickass shoes are from there. We tend to dress up monkeys and slow-moving dogs around here on snowy days.
701. Ern said:
Gooder-
Do you ever get a poop that is from two different meals, hence, half may be KABOOM green and the other half dark brown with carrot bits?
702. kendra said:
Of France?? Huh?
703. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
YEAH!!! We are back to POOP talk! Now this is right up my alley... uh, that sounded wrong, didn't it?
704. wondering said:
StarGazer - that's totally fair. i really am not trying to Bible bash. i know it may seem otherwise, but when anybody believes strongly in something, it's hard not to come off as pushy. you just have to understand also that i am just trying to stay true to that which i believe in.
i'm steppin' off, yo.
705. Gooooder said:
yeah that's happened before. especially if you eat CORN. well, i guess corn has little to do with that, but i suppose you could have like half corn filled and half otherwise. ahahaha.
706. Susie said:
Hey, Ern! Amen, sister. And that's for a couple of comments back, before the poop and the brass balls.
707. StarGazer said:
wait! wait! wait!
With all this ____ = vagina talk today, is there something more to the "up my alley" saying, too?
708. Torrie said:
I heart Bucky and Katie
709. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Wow, I go out for a smoke, and suddenly I'm bee-yoo-ti-ful?
Damn, I should smoke more often.
Thanks, y'all!
(bats eyelashes in a grotesque imitation of femininity)
710. StarGazer said:
Is there anything safe anymore, that doesn't really mean POOP, ass, vagina, or PENIS!?!
Because have we talked about euphemisms for penis yet?
711. U.B. said:
Wow, I pretend to work for an hour and the site has migrated from the U.K. to creationism vs. darwinism!
I think that poking a little bit of fun at the idiosyncracies of the religion that's crammed into you as a child is a long way from ripping on Jesus. I'm a recovering mormon myself and find great humor (humour, if any of you Brits are still on) at some of the ingrained practices. Hell, I had 'jesus wants me for a sun*BEAM* screaming in my head yesterday.
Can we all just get along?
712. Annejelynn said:
ERN! LMAO! Two-toned pooh?
(um, yes, that happens to me all the time)
713. Mrs.Strizzay said:
My dog shits corn, and hair. If she has swallowed a long hair it will make her shit stick together so the first turd she attempts to drop will dangle a few inches away from her ass until she passes the entire starnd of hair.
714. Mrs.Strizzay said:
Yeah, but why and how does shit braid ITSELF????
715. Torrie said:
Once I was at the Bronx zoo and one of the apes vomited into his hand, looked at it, ate it, then vomited again. He did this over and over again. My boyfriend had to tear me away because i couldn't stop watching. It was awesome.
716. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
I heart you, too, Torrie!
Hmmm, euphemisms for penis...
schlong, weiner, johnson, cock...
And my favorite - cacahuate
My 3 1/2 year old calls it cacahuate, which is Spanish for peanut. Only problem with that is he is constantly saying it "Cacahuate, cacahuate!!!" At least anyone who doesn't know Spanish doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.
717. Mrs.Strizzay said:
poor apes
718. Mrs.Strizzay said:
My son calls his stuff his peanuts, but i refer to "it" as Mr.Peabody.
719. Mrs.Strizzay said:
Stop trybg to squeeze mr peabody to death. It IS attatched.
720. kendra said:
humour = canadian too.
humour, labour, colour, etc.
721. mrs.wondering said:
to clear things up.
i am not offended that you called me an ass troll. i just wanted to know why i warrented being called one. ever seen Weird Science? when the brother was turned into that farting, oozing troll-type thing, THAT'S what i think of when i hear the word ass troll. or the lowest of low personality.
722. Gooooder said:
poor apes is right. they gotta learn to stop eating shit and vomit before they can evolve.
DOOCE.COM: WHERE TWO TONED POOP IN ABOUND!
723. Gooooder said:
oops,
i meant
DOOCE.COM: WHERE TWO TONED POOP IS ABOUND.
but in abound might be more appropriate even though it makes almost no sense.
724. kalki said:
one-eyed monster
725. kendra in T-Bay said:
I forgot about that weird science oozing thing...gross.
726. Annejelynn said:
# Bucky Four-Eyes said at 01:03PM, 02.24.2005:
....(bats eyelashes in a grotesque imitation of femininity)
Batting my eyeslashes backatcha! yer gorgeous dahling!
727. StarGazer said:
So am I the only mom who taught her son it's just called penis?
And, I SWEAR I had nothing to do with this, but my kiddo is I think afraid to play with it. Because he is afraid it will FALL OFF. I have no idea where he got that from, honest!!
728. Torrie said:
I also heart Strizzay.
I once was walking a dog and he shit and the hair was at the end of the shit- so, I had to pull the hair out of his ass because a piece of shit was dangling and he kept spinning around in circles.
It was a lovely experience.
729. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
I have never seen that movie, Mrs. Wondering. I don't know what an ass troll looks like, but I saw this Drew Barrymore movie once, I think it was called Cat's Eye, where there was this scary troll that sucked the air out of her nose at night. Very creepy. I think that is what a literal ass troll looks like. Then there are figurative ass trolls - people who are judgmental, say hurtful things, etc.
But no, I don't think you are the lowest of low of personalities. I don't think you are an ass troll now because you at least have a sense of humor (er, humour, for the Brits). I will be more careful in the future when doling out the Ass Troll moniker.
730. Annejelynn said:
My favorite is tallywhacker
731. Annejelynn said:
Some of my cousins call 'it' a 'loonit'
732. U.B. said:
The big brother in W.S. was 'Chet', whom I believe grew up to be Bill Pullman and landed a coupla more dignified roles, thank goodness (or Jesus -- whatever your preference).
733. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
I like the term Twig and berries.
734. Ern said:
Wee-waa
735. kalki said:
twig and berries is very garden of Eden. but a good one.
736. Kassi said:
Torrie: those are called danglers.
737. Circus Kelli said:
Susie: or directions to a McD’s in Canada
----------
Well, from Illinois, go due NORTH...
738. Trance said:
My stepbrothers grew up calling it a "shooter".
739. kendra in T-Bay said:
Hmmm...isn't that funny. MS Word doesn't provide a synonym for penis. Sorry, I am officially unable to contribute to this conversation.
740. Kassi said:
frank and beans.
741. Susie said:
Don't you hate when everyone's hanging out here having fun and then someone posts something heavy and serious, and just makes you groan, and think "Buzzkill!"? I hate that too, but . . . this thought keeps poking at me (that's poke, not pooka), so at the risk of being a party pooper (yea, pooper):
Regarding the euphemisms we use for genitalia, sexual behavior, etc., when talking to our kids: I've worked a lot with kids who've been molested, and those cute words we teach them sometimes are a help to the perpetrators. For one thing, a kid knows when a word is a nonsense word, and knowing that, but not knowing the proper words for what they need to say is one of the things that inhibits the child's telling someone what happened to them. They don't want to be further humiliated by having to try to explain what a wee waw is, to someone who doesn't know the word. When kids only know the cute words, it's also a hindrance to the investigation and the prosecution. If little Billy tells the social worker that the man touched his wee waw, and the detective asks him, with videotape rolling, if the man touched his penis, and he says no, and looks like the detective is crazy for suggesting such a thing . . . it goes badly, friends. I've seen this very thing happen. And you can use your worst, most cynical imaginations to think what some defense attorneys will do with these nonsense words. Our kids need the real words, the words that will allow them to communicate confidently and effectively with everyone in the very worst of circumstances. And God forbid that this ever becomes relevant to anyone here, but if it does, please give them the benefit of being able to communicate about it.
I've got nothin' against a wee waw, a hoo hoo, or any of those lovely parts, but if you're going to use them, please at least say "that's a funny name that we use in our family, but the REAL word is . . . " and test them on the real words from time to time.
END OF LECTURE. GO BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
742. Annejelynn said:
Shooter! Bwah ha ha ha -
743. Torrie said:
kibble and bits
beans and frank
the stuff
744. mrs.wondering said:
it's all good, Katie-be-bored.
i will be careful to not be so...you know...annoying in regards to my faith. it's hard, people. VERY hard. sometimes it just gets me so riled up. feel like joan crawford. " NO WIRED HANGERS...EEEEVVVEERR!!!!"
745. Kassi said:
tinky winky
746. Annejelynn said:
straight shooter, off shoot, shoot up....
747. kendra in T-Bay said:
Good stuff Susie!
748. Torrie said:
Kassi, DANGLERS- nice!
749. Kassi said:
Sage advice Susie...
750. Trance said:
They passed that along to my son, and I was all, "IT'S NOT A SHOOTER, IT'S A HOO HOO!!!"
751. kalki said:
Susie, you make an excellent point and that's something I never would have thought about re: kids.
With my husband, though, I just call it his "thingy." He's proud enough - no point naming it anything special.
752. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
I am glad we are buddies now, Mrs. Wondering. Hey, if you wanna catch a glimpse of my idea of an ass troll, go to this site and scroll down a little bit - it is the site for that movie I was talking about.
Susie, that is very interesting about the euphemisms that children have. My little guy knows the real term, but he just thinks cacahuate is much funnier. That is a really interesting point you bring up, though - God forbid that sort of tragedy ever happens to a child, but I guess it makes sense that they know these things to start with.
753. Closet Metro said:
Susie -
Point taken. (and bless you for helping kids that have been molested.)
Public Service Announcements are not buzzkills.
754. Ern said:
kalki-
You should try some dirtier words with your husbands "thingy." He might like it!
755. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
woops here is the site, Mrs. Wondering.
http://www.fast-rewind.com/catseye.htm
756. mrs.wondering said:
my husband calls it his do-dads and what-nots. my son just turned two. he refers to it as his penis.didn't want to confuse the kid.
757. U.B. said:
I just had to google penis euphemisms. There are thousands of resources for this valuable commodity. Here's some that made me snort:
Bald-headed giggle stick
Blue-veined jackhammer
Chicksicle
Chubby conquistador
Cream cannon
and, the winner through letter 'C':
Cycloptic milk spitter
758. kalki said:
Now that is an ass troll, KBBAW! Dooce should totally include it in her next masthead.
759. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
A friend of mine told me her husband calls his schlong "Professor McGonagle". I think that is from Harry Potter.
760. Annejelynn said:
Susie, most absolutely agree with you! IT IS SOOOO IMPORTANT THAT CHILDREN BE AWARE AND KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THE REALLLL WORDS - everybody now, P.E.N.I.S and V.A.G.I.N.A
For the various reasons Susie mentioned and then some , without going into any detail, I can vouch here as to how important it is that children be comfortable with the real words so that they may articulate "what happened."
761. Circus Kelli said:
wedding tackle
And if you keep playin with it, you'll go blind.
762. part-timer said:
thanks for that Susie- i never realized.
But, also... the little general.
763. Trance said:
I call my boyfriend's the Great Stone God. Unless I'm mad at him, and then I have less complimentary phrases...
764. Annejelynn said:
Bald-headed giggle stick - O.M.G. that is hilarious! Cream canon? evil giggling...
765. part-timer said:
like.. the flaccid garden gnome?
766. kalki said:
ern, you're right. and in bed I do try to avoid the rather derogatory "thingy." but there are times when the only thing to say is, "dude, put your thingy away!"
767. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Chubby Conquistador!!! That is the best yet!
Kalki, that is the best ass troll! I tried copying and pasting it for my blog but the darn thing won't copy. Stupid copyrighted troll!!!
768. kalki said:
okay, it's time we heard from the men, cause I'm dying to know what names they've given themselves. Men, are you there?
769. Mr Bob said:
Blimey people! I leave the conversation on monkees, bananas and clouds with legs and come back to flaccid garden gnomes!
Where's Jo? We need the girl back!
770. mrs.wondering said:
come to think of it...the resemblance is STRIKING!
771. kalki said:
Oh, copyrighted ass trolls are THE WORST. I hope we don't get any of those around these parts...
772. Ern said:
Mr Bob,
That's the thing about us Doocelings...once we go potty talk, there's almost no turning back! (Maybe minor detours, but the overall tone remains in the john)
773. Ern said:
Flaccid garden gnome and
chicksicle
are my favorites so far!
774. Annejelynn said:
Anyone seen *Fish*? I asked yesterday and didn't see a response/answer...
775. Dang Cold.. said:
sorry I tuned out for a while some below have probably been mentioned..
the trouser snake
florida
the skin sitar
chic bait
prince caspian
776. U.B. said:
Kalki -- I'm way less creative than the site I found. It's always just been my dick. My wife sometimes calls it a 'doodle', which I find strangely disturbing and diminishing... :(
Nothing like:
Deep-veined purple-helmeted spartan of love
or
Fallopian fiddler
777. mrs.wondering said:
i am one of those closet case doocelings. (oops, outed myself)
778. kalki said:
Deep-veined purple-helmeted spartan of love! Now THAT I'm going to try on my husband tonight. You rock, U.B.
779. Mrs.Strizzay said:
Susie, my son also knows it is his penis. but my catholic senses prefer mr.peabody. and we often have discussions about private parts, bad touching, bathing suit areas, bad secrets and the like.
Molestation is RAMPID! (did I even spell that right?)
780. Annejelynn said:
CHIC BAIT! BWWAH HA HA HA HA
781. Gooooder said:
sometimes the veins dont look very deep. nope.
just an observation really.
it seems so wrong to write that while i am sitting at my desk at work. oh well!
782. StarGazer said:
Chicksickle! My fave.
ROFL!!
PS - after Susie's comment I'm thinking I am SO glad I just use the actual names of parts.
783. mrs.wondering said:
777. coincident? i think not!
(i kid. it is ironic, though.)
784. Annejelynn said:
WOW - I think we're gonna break 1000 comments today WITHOUT EVEN TRYING!?!? cool beans.
785. Annejelynn said:
oh, I am SOOOOO using Chicksicle on my boyfriend!
786. StarGazer said:
Annejelynn - I think you're right! It's not even 1pm here on the West Coast, and I have NO intention of getting back to work anytime soon. hehehe.
If getting fired for your blog is 'dooced' then what is it when you get fired for dooceing all day? hmmm.
787. that-andrea said:
RAMPANT but we knew what you meant!
788. StarGazer said:
Not to be confused with douching all day. Which, I think would probably cause some unpleasant irritation, aside from the firing and all...
789. part-timer said:
Annejelynn - i'll answer that. He's concentrating on his family and new baby. And work. : )
790. Mr Bob said:
I miss Fish... we need more Fish!
791. Dang Cold.. said:
stargazer. I think thats called taking it in the ass or getting the 'A1' special.
792. Trance said:
Someone just posted this on my site - thought you guys might enjoy it: http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Plys/Data/scott_tammy.html
Heh!
793. StarGazer said:
Trance - I'm scared to see what's on the other side of that addy.
794. U.B. said:
Giant-sized man-thing
Gleaming love sword
Grabthar's hammer
Gushin' Prussian
Harry & the Hendersons
Herman von Longschlongstein
Honk the Magic Goose
Oh, the hell with it -- read them yourselves. I have tears in my eyes:
http://tinyurl.com/2vg4j
795. Trance said:
It's funny.
796. shelly said:
rampant
797. Ern said:
Trance-
That's really funny!
I do like the Scott Tissue. Very low lintiness factor. No lint is very important to my ass happiness!
798. StarGazer said:
Trance - I got denied. The internet filters at work spit back at me:
Apparently it's considered "Tasteless." haha
799. Trance said:
I find Scott Tissue a little scratchy. I like Angel Soft.
(sensitive ass)
800. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
800 comments! woah!
801. Colleen from NJ said:
My 4-year-old found his Magic Goose. He was, ummm, honking when I left him to drop off library books in the book drop. His hand was down there in 7 seconds. I had to explain that honking was ok in his room or the bathroom.
Oh boy.
802. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
I have always wanted to be one of those Doocelings that gets excited by the number that the comments have reached. And it actually worked that time.
803. sam said:
THANK YOU to those of you that went to my friend Jenni's website! She is totally confused as to why she had so much traffic today, and I love it! The Dooce Web Family is the BEST!
p.s. If you'd like to pay her a visit, just click my name. :)
804. Ern said:
While I like the Scott Tissue, we end up using Kirkland Costco TP. Marriage is all about compromise!
805. Colleen from NJ said:
We were in the car, by the way. 802? Wow.
806. Annejelynn said:
Part-timer, ahhh, what a good man.
please send Fish our love
807. Gooooder said:
i hope i dont get the A1 special! i read all damn day. although i find work boring etc, i do need to pay rent. damn rent! and damn other bills.
808. Annejelynn said:
Angel Soft is my pick too, Trance
809. Annejelynn said:
# U.B. said at 01:47PM, 02.24.2005:
"Oh, the hell with it — read them yourselves. I have tears in my eyes:"...
I'm imagining the man hours to compile such a LARGE list of penis euphemisms...and I'm now in tears!!! Some people have way way tooo much time on their hands
810. Girl From Ipanema said:
WOW...over 800 entries here...wonder what the record is?? Anyone know?
811. Annejelynn said:
GirlFromIpanema, not too long ago, in a crazed sleep-deficient state, I drove comments to 1000+...but I'm not aware of an all time record.
812. anne said:
though I have come to abhor your commenters (I can't help it - the sleaze factor plus the sycophant factor.... bleah)... you're my hero. I love your honesty and your humor. The combination is rare, and you do it well.
Thank you.
813. Henryk_ said:
GirlFromIpanema, I agree with Annejelynn. I remember that 1K episode.
814. Henryk_ said:
Heather, you really need to do something about that dandruff problem you have!
815. Effie said:
Yes, and if I remember correctly from reading them all (I'm a Dooce-freak apparently) there were over 1100 comments--maybe tonight that will be surpassed....
816. kalki said:
Ouch, Anne. Katie-be-bored-at-work, does the moniker fit this time?
817. amberlyn said:
wow, 800+ comments! i decide to actually buckle down and work today, and look at what i miss. the Doocelings Summit of '05.
i wanna get in on this action! i can fit in! um...
poop! trolls! morman!
(waiting patiently for my dooce membership card and a welcome plaque)
818. Henryk_ said:
Aha, Effie remembers it as well!
819. U.B. said:
Wow, I've just been abhored. I feel like I need to go take a shower...
(if for no other reason than to ensure my 'Pump-action yogurt rifle' is clean and fresh)
;)
820. Effie said:
Yeah--don't you work nights Henryk? Are you just waking up then?
821. kalki said:
And thanks to U.B., I'll never think of yogurt the same way again.
822. part-timer said:
pump-action yogurt rifle?? OMG. I've got so many new things to tell the husband tonight.
why will no one take a nap anymore?!
823. Dang Cold.. said:
I, for one, am devastated. I'm a abhored of all this sleazy sycophant talk myself. *yawn*
824. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Kalki, I would say that the moniker DOES indeed fit this time. Anne, the fact that you call Dooce a hero puts you in the sycophant category, so lay off.
Ass Troll.
825. Michelle Brady said:
Wow, I don't comment ONE DAY and there are 800+ comments by 4 pm!
Good lord, people! Do some work already! *snicker* (I didn't even GO to work today)
I haven't read through the comments, but the few I've managed to peek at while scrolling down are now forcing me to start at #1 and read... all... of them.
826. Bellychaser said:
We also wanted to use the correct terms for our kids private parts. My son has always called his penis a penis but with my daughter I really found VAGINA sounded so clinical so we shortened it to Gina. Still quite clearly related to the proper term yet somehow more user friendly.
827. Henryk_ said:
No Effie, I don't work nights. I'm having a "Rostered Day Off", and have very recently surfaced! ( Yawns)
828. acm said:
would hate to think you missed any Mormon-bashing, so be sure to visit this: http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2005_02_20_patriotboy_archive.html#110913...
829. kalki said:
Quitting time for me. To all you yogurt rifles and ginas out there, it's been fun.
830. Mrs.Strizzay said:
Lmao Anne, you detest what you are. Self loathing is a bitch isn't it. Oh yeah and suck it baby.
831. Ern said:
Have fun setting a record number of posts, people! I'm going to sleep and study and I'll see you cool kats tomorrow!
832. liz said:
Bellychaser-
i was skimming the comments, and yours caught my eye. it's dangerous to use the words "daughter" "vagina" and "user friendly" in the same paragraph, especially when readers are as tired as i am.
is it time to go home yet?
833. Circus Kelli said:
Trance -- (sensitive ass)
-----
Don't be so hard on yourself, Trance. We don't think that about you...
834. U.B. said:
I didn't think it was all *that* sycophantic in here? I mean, obviously we all dig Heather's writing. But I don't see that much total sucking up -- more of the 'hey, thanks' and 'damn that was funny' variety.
Now, as for the sleaze factor, well any comment list that would include a phrase like "Pulsating throat clogger" really has no defense, does it? (okay, I'll stop with the euphemisms now)
835. Mrs.Strizzay said:
CK~~ Your the fucking bomb diggity. And you know why.
836. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Katie-be-bored-at-work - Sycophantic Dooce-a-phile since 2005.
How is that for a masthead?
837. part-timer said:
UB - my husbnad WISHES I called it the
*pulsating throat clogger*
OMG!! LMAO!
838. RazDreams said:
acm (#828) broke the page today. i broke it yesterday. i'm passing the "goober baton" on to acm now, mmmkay?
839. La Pixiatrix said:
Part-timer,
You just said husbnad.
840. Mrs.Strizzay said:
nads on her brain
841. Girl.A said:
Well obviously, not nads on her chin.
Forgive me PT, couldn't resist.
842. amelia said:
if you believe in forever then life is just a one night stand.
if there's a rock n' roll heaven
it's gotta have a helluva band.
843. Annejelynn said:
As for Ashlee Ashby - BYU grad and Mormon wanna-be sex symbol...she needs no bashing from us... "Nauvoo.com" has condemned her to hell already...here are the kinder ones noted in the SLC Tribune:
Reactions posted on nauvoo.com, an LDS-themed Web site, have not been kind:
"How embarrassing for the Church."
"She must not have made it to Seminary on the days they discussed modesty."
"Did she need to tell us that her breasts are huge? Did she really feel it was important to clear that up? Yikes."
"Let's not judge her too quickly, I'm sure her ward will gossip her into little pieces and toss her into the funeral potatoes. She's not the only Church member with issues, after all."
"I wanna know what kind of people say things like, 'You're a Mormon? Yet you have enormous breasts!' Is the non-sequitur there blowing anyone else's mind? 'You're a Baptist? But you're so tall!' "
"I miss Ken Jennings."
844. Susie said:
What? Who? Ashlee?
845. Circus Kelli said:
Strizz *blinks in wide-eyed wonder* Me?! Really? You really think so?
846. U.B. said:
PT - a bunch of us old, married guys were sitting around with a young guy that just got engaged. I told him he would love it and the best part is the non-stop blowjobs.
He was just about to get excited and go "REALLY?!", when the other two guys started spitting beer out their noses.
847. Circus Kelli said:
UB -- Hee! Now THAT'S funny!
848. Mrs.Strizzay said:
What married guys dont get non stop blow jobs???
*Smacks husband*
849. Circus Kelli said:
Ah, Striz... even better comment!
YOU be da bomb diggity, baby!
850. U.B. said:
I can't remember the movie, but recall a scene with a groom and a best man watching a beautiful bride smiling as she walks up the aisle. The groom comments that he can't believe how pretty and happy she looks. The best man responds, "That's because she knows she's given the last blow job of her life!" Groom begins to wilt....
851. Katie said:
Because I don't know where else to put this YES JAY WON NOT WENDY OR FUCKING KARA SAUN YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
852. mihow said:
Is there a cliffnotes version to the Dooce comments section?
853. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
Just stick around, Mihow. After a while, you will begin to catch on without Cliffnotes.
854. mihow said:
I see, so it's sorta liked Hooked on Phonics?
855. part-timer said:
hee hee, La Pix. I lurve me some Husbnads!!
856. Kerri said:
Dooce - you are just plain out rad.
857. Henryk_ said:
Hooeeeeee......2:55pm, and we are up to #848. The 1K barrier might get broken again. I just has a scroll throught the comments, and wow, what a potpourri of subjects! Marmite..I prefer Vegemite, (has to be spread thinly ) on toast in the morning!
Blow jobs, hmmmmmmm, I sortof remember them! :-)
858. part-timer said:
OK, not really (just read all the comments henceforth). Poor poor Hubby. His old girlfriend specialized in blowjobs. I guess he married the wrong one. Hee hee.
859. Jo said:
Aw, Mr Bob misses me. How sweet!
860. Annejelynn said:
Ashlee Ashby is a Survivor contestant - I read someone else's post and then looked into it...even watched her video clip
861. Closet Metro said:
PT - husbnad definitely picked the right one. Definitely.
862. part-timer said:
Thanks, Metro. You're a sweetie!
I'm literllay wriestling with a humonous two year old as i type this.....
863. cmj said:
I am laughing so hard my kids keep saying "What's so funny, Mommy?" No way I'm telling them the truth!
So glad I ventured over here and actually read all the comments.
Now I must prepare the potato pancakes my son has been demanding for weeks. Mmmmmm. Grease.
864. Jo said:
863 posts is ridiculous. And to think i was in the first 10! Someone should create a Dooce chatroom. Quickly.
865. StarGazer said:
Yeah - that's *just* what we need, Jo! Dooce forums. We would all be getting A1 specials in no time!
866. Jo said:
Oh go on, someone do it! PLease!
867. Cindy said:
Poop comment: A friend was commenting the other day about how proud her son was about pooping. He was proud to "poop like The Hulk". Silly me, I thought maybe he was sitting there growling or flexing his muscles as it vacated - but no, he pooped like The Hulk because it was GREEN. Go figure. :-)
868. Henryk_ said:
Jo, it will be created, then just as quickly shut down! :-(
869. Jo said:
I have a friend who had green poo once. SO wrong.
870. Jo said:
BUt it would be so popular Henry! Why would it shut down?
871. Jo said:
Besides i'm hooked on chatting on here, and i've wasted my whole day refreshing this damn page and reading every ones comments. ugh.
872. Henryk_ said:
Jo, some dogooderwould find some reason....usually claiming it is a haven for dirty minded, foul mouthed people and pedophiles! :-(
Otherwise,yes...a great idea!
873. Annejelynn said:
Hi Henryk!
874. Jo said:
Nay! The force of Dooce is too great!! That's it, my boyfriend is creating Dooce Forums as we speak.
875. Henryk_ said:
Yes, having to tefresh the site is a P I T A !! (pain in the ass)
876. Henryk_ said:
Yea to your boyfriend. Have a spellcheck included in the format!
877. Henryk_ said:
and a big HI to Annejelynn!! :-))
878. Jo said:
Hold on, he's said he can create it but the bandwidth could be a problem...
879. Katie-be-bored-at-work said:
The idea of a Dooce chatroom is neat, but I really like chatting right here. I feel at home on this site!!!
880. Henryk_ said:
Annejelynn..I like your (albeit cropped)pic of the horses on snow!All we ever get here are horses on sand or dirt or grass!
881. Jo said:
Katie, i bet you had Marmite and creme eggs for lunch didnt u? didnt u! lol.
882. Henryk_ said:
Aha......the dreaded bandwidth!!!( or shortage thereof)
883. Henryk_ said:
Vegemite is heaps better!
884. Jo said:
Im sure katie hates it either way, vege or mar.
885. Henryk_ said:
mmmmmmmmmmmmm...vegemite on toast! :-))
886. burdanilex said:
My friend keeps texting me about his poop today. It keeps reminding me of Dooce.
887. Jo said:
no no, MARmite on toast!
888. Annejelynn said:
thanx Henryk - glad you likey! they're my uncle's horses in Bear Lake, ID - I'm stuck in Vegas...far, far away from the gorgeous, snowy valley that is Bear Lake county
889. Henryk_ said:
oops....9:32am.....have been given a directive by "she who must be obeyed" to paint the ensuite and toilets compartment as was planned!
890. greenthumb said:
Jo: OMG...What the freak? You've been on here AAALL DAY!!! LOL
Don't hate...just jealous here. ;-)
891. Henryk_ said:
Going now...I expect that the 1K barrier will have been crashed through when I return later (Sydney time)
892. Henryk_ said:
must......go.....must......leave this site...................
893. Jo said:
green thumb: LOL! I havent been on here AAALLL day, just most of it!! lol. I went into Uni to hand in an essay, and i took time out for dinner and some games on the X Box with my housemates. Oh i went for a pee a couple of times too. But other than that...yea, ive been on here all day! :p
894. greenthumb said:
I'm usually a first thing in the morning dooce-ling and I remember you at the 4am time stamp thinking she's a stalker...no one but a stalker is on here commenting that early. ;-)
895. Henryk_ said:
I am N O T (R) N O T addicted!!!!
896. Southern Fried Girl said:
I do not think I have ever seen this many comments. Unbelievable. Is this what happens when I am napping???
897. greenthumb said:
uh oh...intervention time for downunder boy.
898. Annejelynn said:
Henryk, yer not fooling me...you were there, the night of my crazed 1000 comments quest...WE'RE BOTH ADDICTED!
899. Annejelynn said:
And Peter H. can serve as a witness!
900. Jo said:
I cannot, repeat CANNOT, come on here tomorrow, because i HAVE to write my dissertation. I HAVE to. I was gonna write some today and i got as far as the chapter title. So if anyone catches me chatting on here tomorrow, you must spank me and send me to bed with no supper.