There's no picture!

What the duck?

An effective way to silence the witnesses. . .

First?

hehehe poor duckie!

Looks like he's...quacked up.

Okay, I'm sorry. Really

aww...my dogs do the same things. only to books.

Oh, poor ducky!

go chuck...putin' the smack down on rubber ducky!

poor rubber ducky. kinda creepy though - the former congressman may have some anger management issues to work out.

wanna buy a duck?

You know how they say that chocolate will kill a dog? Well, either that's just not true or my dog has some amazing stomach of steel. I went to the store once and while I was gone she jumped up ONTO the table and ate an ENTIRE chocolate cake.

Part dog, part goat, perhaps?

LOL what the duck?.....and Looks like he’s…quacked up... ohhhh my side hurts from LOL

Aw man, poor disfigured Duck.

Hey, did anyone see that Fish took down his blog, rather abruptly? I hope everything's OK...

That ought to shut the duck up.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Beak!

Did anyone read Fish's latest post? FISH! We'll miss you and Baby Everett, but I know you have to do what's best for you and your family. Hope you'll blog again someday.

I like how he left it, not mauled, but definitely sending the message. Kind of like cutting a pinky finger off. Methinks the former senator may have mafia ties.

Yep, definately has some lab in him.

"Would you please shut the Duck up?"

Poor little Ducky

Being a duck isn't all it's quacked up to be.
Ok, that was just sad.

When you go to symbiotic fishes.blogspot.com , It's just this big ole "Goodbye" from Fish. Makes you wonder if some crazies out there threatened him or Baby E.

Poor little ducky!

Fish....we will really miss you and all of your wonderful stories of DL and Little E. PLease come back soon!!

Fish, you uppercase GOD, I hope we shall see thee again sooner rather than later. Thou are fun to tease, and scaly in a totally good way.

OOH NOOOOO! Mr. (duck's) Bill!!

Our three dogs attack the rug, the carpet, books (usually ones I have borrowed), the litter box, and of course the garbage when we leave the house for the barn...yes we have to baby proof the house...which is good because my wife is 5 weeks pregnant.

Aww, poor Chuck. Next time, leave Leta in the car and take Chuck inside.

that duck should hire a lawyer..

ducky crane...

HaHa! Sweet doggie revenge.

What's up with my Fishy??

That beak wouldn’t have lasted 30 minutes at my house. My dog de-squeaks all of his toys as soon as we give them to him. If he can’t get the actual squeaker out, he’ll just tear a piece out of the toy to make an air hole – either way, the squeaker stops. We’ve enjoyed watching him learn the process as he’s grown -- he used to struggle with it for days; now he’s got it down to about 15 minutes of methodic chewing. Can’t say that I blame him -- the squeak is pretty annoying from where we sit, so I’m sure it’s torturous an inch from his little ears.

Poor duckie.

BTW, we used your whacking the floor technique with our collie (he had chewed a baby shoe and so we banged the baby shoe on the floor and called it bad). It scared the crap out of the dog, but so far, no more chewed shoes around the house.

Weird, but it works! THANKS for that idea!!!

Bitter...bitter doggy.

Is it wrong that I love it when Chuck eats a Leta toy? Because if so, I don't want to be right.

aawww...poor, poor Duckie!! but still oh so funny...
I sit here and giggle at dooce, everyone thinks i am nuts....

I'm so sad...no more fishes...
:(

How can a dog manage to rip off a tiny beak without puncturing or otherwise marking the duck's head? Hmmm.

Mouse, you can come over here and I'll sneak you a paczki or two today. Should help to make up that body weight that Tiffany and Kevin are determined to keep off your poor little frame.

Looks like our Fish got reeled in... you made me laugh, Fish, whether you were UPPERCASE GOD or Fish, and will miss your wit and song lyrics!

*sniff*

For the record, the average person produces 90 gallons of snot per year, so Leta is prolly right on the money

Once, we tried to comfort our dog as we left with a sock doll we had named Waldo. When we came home, Waldo's face had been completely bitten away. Got. The. Message.

Yeah, the duck looks perfect except for the beak.... Maybe Chuck wrapped the duck's body first and then secured it in a vise, then got himself a fine blade hacksaw and worked at the beak, then put everything away and positioned the duck on the dining room table just so....

Murder most foul.

Poor Chuck!!!!

Based on how I’ve seen my dog do it, he probably held the body with his paws and nibbled on the beak. There might be marks on the head or body that we can’t see in the photo. This is like a crime investigation!

Yeah we need David Caruso to stand over this duck and say,

"What we've got here, my friends, is one dead duck."

With a name like "duck" you'd think it would be good at it.

If we look closely, you'll notice a residue of plum sauce in the outer area of the duckus maximus. Indicating that this was a planned attack. Szechuan recipe and all.

damitol - I just spit tea onto the computer. Do they sell insurance for this?

"let out a fart that blew a flaming hole into the sheets" - I'll laugh at this, but it's only funny until the smell hits me.

The Chuckster is a spiteful little brat too eh? My dog will take a crap by the back door if I tell her she can't come with us, even if she REALLY doesn't have to go. Its kinda like take THAT fecal matter.

I cry for the poor ducky. He was so innocent.

"taken from the water too soon"

-sound of sad bagpipe music-

my parent's dog humps the pillows in the living room when everyone leaves. He leaves the pillows scattered all over the place. He's been caught in the act a number of times.

Andrea, A friend's (female) chihauhua mix will drag a huge stuffed white monkey out when guests are there and proceed to hump it in the middle of the livingroom.

I hope Fish hasn't been *dooced* ! That would be the worst!

i should think so! Poor Chucky...

I know this is dooce.com but fish... came by ur website through dooce and now i read dooce, blurbomat and ur website EVERYDAY. well.. until today. i'll miss u loads... do take care and hope u start writing again SOON

I think Fishypants is revamping his blog. There has been some trouble with blogger as of late.

See sillyhead. People do love you.

I'm suspicious of that duck incident. I think scissors might have been involved- Damn that dog is talented.

take that, duck!

On CNN...

"at 360 rockingham in brentwood, a bloody duck bill is found and a jobless moocher named kato kaelen hears three quacks on his wall in the guest house. Chuck the dog claims he was chewing golf balls and rolling in shit on his front lawn all night and then had to hurry to catch a plane to chicago.Yet police find blood and feathers in his white ford bronco.."

Take THAT you evil spawn of Donald and Daisy.

Oh and mom? You're mean, Emily would let me go.

signed chuck

Another nose job gone completely overboard...mr. jackson would be appauled!

Nice shot, good F stop.

I love that duck. Poor duck.

Wait. Fish is uppercase GOD? I feel like I just found out Santa's not real. (I also feel very dumb.) And just when I thought I'd found religion.

Come back soon Fish. We miss you already!

Doh. There he is.

Fish will be back. Pretty soon the cold sweats will kick in and he will be rocking back and forth asking for just one more blog.

My dog eats chocolate all the time. She will devour a whole bag if she can. Hasn't done her in yet, but we keep trying.

:0P

No one has explored the possibility that this duck pulled a van gogh and did this to himself???? It would explain the absence of K9 fangs or the lack of defensive wounds on ducky???

hmmm....

My uncle's dog ate a pound of coffee beans under the Christmas tree one year. I think he was hyper after that. And sick.

Fishy- You will always be way hotter than Tony Danza in my book.

Smooches for you and Hot wife and Little E.

Shiz, did your dog's farts smell like "French Roast" for a while?

Ya know, if you leave the Dooce daily photo page up and just F5 occasionally, you miss when Heather updates the front page until a bunch of (or at least two) people start with comments that seem to be off the wall. Then again, sometimes it's really hard to tell when the comments are off the wall with a purpose like that, or just off the wall in general.

I find myself strangely intrigued... and apparently in need of nourishment and/or caffiene.

Honesty-Rain?! Wow... I've been reading it as Honesty-Train.

Oh yeah... time for lunch.

you mean it's not honey train?

No! The rubber ducky has been deformed! All life as I know it has been tarnished.

Okay, not really. Cute pic. Love the story about calling Jon Ranger. I keep calling my roommate by my sister's name and my sister by my roommate's name. They are about to kill me.

-the niffer-

we in fact do have an army. They were the 12 dudes throwing rocks at Iraq in Desert Storm '91 then always ran away screaming when they returned fire. We brought beer though..lots and lots a beer.

Holy horny mormons batman.

http://tinyurl.com/67s5v

I only found this because apparently lots of pervs looking up Fat, sex, and housewife seem to find my blog. I am kinda skeeved.

Duck.....Duck.....DONE

See, I'm just the sort of obsessive that will go and look this crap up. Here's the scoop on dogs eating chocolate. This information comes from dietpower.com:

"Chocolate contains a caffeine-like compound called theobromine. If a dog gets enough of this, it will trigger a seizure or a heart attack -- particularly if the pooch is prone to epilepsy or has become overly excited...

...the lethal dose depends on the size of the dog and the type of chocolate. The killer serving is approximately one ounce of milk chocolate, one-third ounce of semisweet chocolate, or one-tenth ounce of baker's chocolate per pound of dog. This means I need 15 Hershey bars to knock off Wally the Schnauzer (22 pounds) -- but if I go for the Special Dark, I can do it with only eight."

So now you know.

Fish, take care and thanks for the smiles. Check in once in awhile if'n you can.

Niffer, now what's this about Santa!?

So a duck is in a hotel with his lady friend duck and they start to get hot and heavy but they don't have any duck protection.

So they call down to the front desk and ask if they have any condoms that can be sent up.

The desk clerk says, "Hey, no problem" and gets a bellhop to bring them up.

Bellhop knocks on the door and delivers the condoms. The duck thanks him and the bellhop says, "Do you want me to put it on your bill?"

Duck says, "Excuse ME?"

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

I too thought of Ernie crooning his song to his rubber ducky, interrupted by a scream of "Oh no! Ducky! What have they DONE to you?"

No more Fish blog....now I have more time to get some work done!

DAMN.......

Chuck was being nice.....
He thought that Leta needed a duck upgrade...
That plain white duckie should be uograded with the pretty pink disco duckie...
A truely magnificant duckie which lights up in magnificant colors everything it get thrown (sensor on the bottom is really neat)....
Guys stop being so judgemental...
The dog was all heart....
:->
p.s. the duck is water proof so to the bath we go....

Heather: I can relate to the name calling (Ranger and Jon)
My boyfriend's name is Jason and I have called him by my brother's name Sebastian many a time. I think it has to do with age, after the 20s the name slipping and intertwinging comes into full force.
It just slips out..

Llama llama duck.

(http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php for the confused.)

oh man the poor duck!

And yay, now Leta can participate on the comments page with her new word: FART.

Home Detention Lady:
That should be

DUCK. DUCK. DOOCED!

Heather, I think you need the fart book:

http://tinyurl.com/5qte3

It's a GREAT book.

Llama Llama Duck! So funny!!

hey amy,

does sour apple spray stop house cats from peeing on your couch??? if so where can I get some??

My cat likes to eat plants and flowers... I tried the bitter apple spray a few times. No luck unfortunately, but I've heard it works for some.

Once, I sprayed it on a chair that she likes to use as a scratching post (when we are out of the house). I followed the directions and then sprayed it on the chair, let it dry and sprayed it again. Then I brought her over to the chair to see what her reaction would be. She licked the chair. Licked it. And then rubbed her face all over it to mark it as her possession.

sigh.
I'm waiting for her to pass on, of natural causes, before I buy nice furntiture.

Goooder..

it seems to be utahans or utahns according to the link below.

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0108279.html

You guys are simply amazing.

Okay, I'm totally surrounded by males. The man, the kid, even the dog is male. You know, kindof. I can keep all the names straight with no problem until my brothers show up. At that point my brain just offers up boy names at random.

This is a hilarious picture btw.

And fish oh fish, I hope whatever is up passes soon. You have many fans who will miss you (I will never forget that first picture you posted of the baby fish) but more importantly, your onlining seemed to bring you a lot of joy. I know I'd be heartbroken if I had to stop doing all my web stuff, and I hate to think of cool people feeling that bummed.

Aaah! The poor ducky! I guess at least it won't have the Smellavision problem that many people seem to be plagued with...

There's a product called Feliway that is made of cat pheromones that can be used to keep cats from spraying urine or to calm them down.

There is no caniway that I know of.

Or Betsy.

Sorry folks, but this here is a crime scene investigation. The crime: Chuck being framed for something he didn't do. The suspect: Dooce, who carefully tore off that beak, photographed the debeaked duck, and then went on her merry way. My rubber duck can't easily be debeaked, so when I'm dealing with stress, I chew butt feathers. Since there's generally more butt feathers than beak, my stress is virtually gone when I'm done. Recommendation to Dooce: Hide that shape from yesterday's post. Me thinks it's next on the chomp list.

(Did I just say butt feathers?)

I guess Carla Beth's butt feathers remark shut everyone up! It never fails. I finally finish reading all of the comments and everyone leaves!

Yes? Did somebody call me?

you too circus kelly? if it weren't for dooce.com I'd be staring at the wall...listening to the lights flicker in the tile ceilings...picking lint off of my sweater. Damn spilled soup on my dockers...ah well...

butt feathers...

we're slipping dangerously into "rectalage" territory again. Watch it...

My MIL (who is a rum fruitcake mental case anyway) heard that if you put cayenne pepper on plants, cats won't go near them or do their dirty business on them.

She didn't have any cayenne pepper, because when you are half retarded, exotic spices confuse you, but she did have paprika, (you know, for the deviled eggs) so she used that. Now, she didn't have any cats peeing on her plants but she did have cats digging around in her garbage at night.

So she takes the little can of paprika and sprinkles this ritual circle around her garbage can.

I'm telling you, this whole process took about three weeks. And it didn't work. (Of COURSE it didnt work.) All she did was just give me one more thing to make fun of.

This was ten years ago. To this day she still tells people how much effort she put in to this and nothing came of it. Like ANYBODY CARES.

She doesn't even say paprika right. She says "paprike-a". She also calls nintendo by Utendo and MIKE Jagger and ZOOCH-EENI for zucchini.

God, she bugs me.

Kay, I'm done.

Carla Beth:

Your suspicions are incorrect. Chuck has a surgical quality to his chewing, particularly when he knows he's chewing something he shouldn't.

http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/10_14_2004.html

Duck murderer!! Just kidding! Looks pretty typical.

Poooorrr duckie must be speechles, so all together now!!!..
rubber duckie, you’re the one
you make the bathtime lots of fun
rubber duckie we're awfully fond of you
oo boo bi doop

if it werent for dooce, i'd be standing in the kitchen pretending to be doing something, or in the bathroom pretending to fix my shirt a lot so i wouldnt have to sit at my desk and pretend to be doing work.

dooce allows me to look really busy and concentrated.

DOOCE: WHEN YOU NEED TO LOOK LIKE YOU ARE DOING REAL WORK BUT YOU ARE REALLY READING ABOUT POOP AND DUCKS

I just assumed people were on the east coast b/c there was talk about going home (Dang cold?)

Dooce: the procrastinator's best friend

(hi husband!)

I've now reread "Hi Ho Silver" for maybe the 3rd time, and I'm still laughing... "Ran-JON!...LaVelle and Parley...flaming hole in the sheets...Foo..Fart, Fart, Faaarrrt!"

LMAO

i go home at 4 because i come in at 8, and dooce doesnt update until like 10 my time.

the first 2 hours are so rough! i guess i could be updating my own crapabappleblog. but, you know.

yeah...I leave at 4:30pm because I get here at 8:30am. I hate public transit in the morning. The prolitariate chariot. could be worse I could be that faceless duck. :)

leaving the house at 6am??? jesus I wouldn't be up that early for my own wedding. A house fire maybe. Can you tell I don't have kids? :P

I only leave the house at 6am for something I want to do. Like look at birds.

Of course in a couple of years I will be a resident, and the hospital will own my ass, so of course I will be leaving the house AT WHATEVER TIME THEY PAGE ME. Suck it.

Dang cold, you in Canada?

i wake up at 645, to be to work by 8. cutting it a little close, but 645 hurts so much, i cant even think of earlier.

i obviously have no kids either. or a dog that needs to get out to pee or something. i wish i had one! or a cat. HRMPH.

that's why i have to look at pictures of chuck all the time. vicarious dog owning.

Gooooder: Heh, for a second there, I thought you wanted a kid so you can wake up early... I was about to recommend one...

No Gooooder... you can always read Dooce at work, WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS WATCHING THE KIDS remember?! :)

keep talking guys the the WIN XP clock on my shitty laptop just changed digits...home time closer...mmm...good.

do you get an hour lunch?

If my company wants me in earlier than 8:30am they can kiss my ass and call it canned peaches.

"...they can kiss my ass and call it canned peaches..."

My favorite new phrase! :)

Dang cold...kiss my ass and call it canned peaches!? LMAO! HAHAHAHA!

if my organization wants me at work for 9.5 hours they can supply me with a bottle of 151 and let me drink it throughout the day.

i'm supposed to be delighted to be working here because "here" is supposedly lay-off proof. but somedays, i kinda wish it wasn't.

its not original folks...from a simpsons episode years ago that I don't fully recall. Used it ever since..

4:03pm

If I meet Dooce readers in person, they are gonna know I read Dooce too, because of all the neat-o phrases I pick up here! (Suck it!, Of France!)

Unfortunately i'm an exempt employee so they can torture me as much as they like. i wonder what folks who work for the Dept of Labor do when *they* have labor law issues?

What state are you in, not-that-Andrea ?

Me too, Dang Cold, but in the warm part of Canada, the Canadian tropics.

"it is illegal"

AMEN!! and I second that emotion!! I'll wager its illegal in any first world/G7 country with well defined, well articulated labour laws. The loop holes that exist are mind boggling though. As for reporting it. There's always some dilbert in the work place thats up managements ass and would squeal on you for their own personal gain. Shit look what happened to dooce!!

4:14pm

just gave your comment a second read Shiz...I take it you're out west..lucky you. except for the flooding of course.

4:21pm

My daughter's horse lost its head in similar circumstances. Toy horse, of course. (No, it didn't talk like Mr. Ed.)

*Fish!* You are funny. I hope you don't have to make yourself too scarce. I'm missing you already.

Or I could just check out your blog and find out for myself, eh shiz? what a novel idea. I love vancouver. visit every summer.

4:27pm and thats it I'm logging off and blowing this taco stand. Have a good night all..

Scratch-n-sniff ex-boyfriends??? How sexy is that.

Has it been that cold in Ontario DangCold? Its not been too bad in Alberta... compared to usual cold winters.

I would never want a scratch n sniff underwear of my ex. One reason I split with him was the smell of him!

Not-that-Andrea -- where in Illinois? I'm in Northern Illinois, near the Wisconsin border

Hypothetically, of course.

That word is starting to look weird on the page.

You're not going to believe this but I live on a street that has your name. Seriously.

yeah monkey does equal vagina.

when i was about 7 and my sister was about 5, this kid who was my age said to us "HEY, WANNA PLAY CATCH THE MONKEY????"

my sister promptly kicked him the testicles and ran into the house. i think he had to go to the hospital. i think he actually meant a game similar to freezetag or something.

Oh... I didn't know monkey=vagina. Changes the meaning of me shirt.

Monkey C Monkey Do!

EW, I say!

"Ducktastrophy"

Starring Chuckacabra

....do you ever play the "Got your nose!" game with Leta

If you do, maybe Chuckles over heard it and decided to play along?

Either that or Leta got some pop tart and the Chuckter decided to enact some frontier squeeky toy vengence

Goddamnit it. I take the baby to the doctor today, come back, and Fish-God is a memory? Ok. I'm cool now.

Hey Fish? if you're still there: I was that one-time lowercase god. lol! I just could not compete.

"giving up fish for lent just doesn’t jive"

amen.

Whoa Heather. Your friend does look rather mischievous. And you! Your melon is almost as big as mine. Almost, but no cigar sister. Great Scottish Melons unite!

I felt like I needed to say something meaningful about our friend Fishy. We will miss you bud. You made us laugh and cry. I tried to think of the perfect song to sum up the way we all feel about you and our friendship...and I think I've finally found it. So Fishypants, this one's for you:

Lady, I’m your knight in shining armor and I love you
You have made me what I am and I am yours
My love, there’s so many ways I want to say I love you
Let me hold you in my arms forever more

You have gone and made me such a fool
I’m so lost in your love
And oh, we belong together
Won’t you believe in my song?

Lady, for so many years I thought I’d never find you
You have come into my life and made me whole
Forever let me wake to see you each and every morning
Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear

In my eyes I see no one else but you
There’s no other love like our love
And yes, oh yes, I’ll always want you near me
I’ve waited for you for so long

Lady, your love’s the only love I need
And beside me is where I want you to be
’cause, my love, there’s somethin’ I want you to know
You’re the love of my life, you’re my lady!

moose: You live in Edmonton?