Put Up a Parking Lot
Thursday, December 19 2002
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Daily, Stories
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So I'm lying there on this table, except it isn't a table but more like the hybrid offspring of a dentist's chair and a psychiatrist's couch, very cold and covered in butcher paper (which is appropriate on so many levels), and I'm thinking that this lady is doing a disproportionately large amount of talking to actual ripping. And I'm wondering if she knows that hot wax has a tendency to dry, like concrete.
And I'm remembering that my bikini waxer in Los Angeles, while a total airhead and one-dimensional in many respects (she once referred to a compilation cd as a copulation cd because she didn't know any better), somehow understood this principle of physics. She knew that if she left steaming wax on the body too long she'd pull off shards of quivering skin along with the wax. And I'm missing her like a soldier of war, tired and fearful, misses his wife and kids back home.
And just as I realize that this new waxer woman hasn't started removing the wax, I also realize that she's waving the waxing wand around like she's conducting an orchestra, bringing the alto saxes up to an exploding crescendo, and she's spilling stray wax all over my bare knees.
So I look up like a turtle flipped and stranded on its back, just to see what's going on because I can feel the wax hardening, and at first I think I'm seeing things. You know how you can sometimes see things? Like, sometimes you'll see something, but then you realize that what you thought you saw wasn't really what you saw, and you're totally relieved. Well, I'm seeing glowing blue asphalt, two inches thick, the length of a private driveway, bonding to the inside of both of my thighs. And I'm thinking, this can't be right. I can't be seeing that.
But no matter how many times I blink or imagine it otherwise, I know that what I'm seeing is actually what I'm seeing. And I'm thinking, there's no way she's ever going to be able to get that off my body, not even if she were a surgeon with a hired bulldozer, and that I'm going to have two permanent airport landing strips, newly paved, free for landing on the lower half of my body for the rest of my life.
And just as I start to panic, with totally real shaking and totally real sweating, she finally stops talking and notices that I notice what she's doing. And she says something like, it looks a lot worse than it actually is, something a deadbeat boyfriend would say when he shows up to your house late with lipstick on his collar, and I'm totally really not convinced.
And then she says something like, let's just get it over with, on the count of three: one, two . . . But all I hear is the creaking, un-oiled hinge on the lid of the coffin, and the final snapping shut of death.
So when I say spontanoues bikini wax, I'm talking about the kind where you realize that, oh hey, they do bikini waxes here, right here in a salon next to the grocery store, so while he goes to pick up some milk and bean dip, I'll just wander over and have my loins systematically and violently ripped from my body.
Heather chats about how the Armstrongs are cutting back and how Jon and Leta aren't happy about it on www.momversation.com.
- A small taste of what's to come
Wednesday, 29 October 2008 - In honor of her grandfather
Tuesday, 28 October 2008 - In celebration of That Awful Dog
Friday, 24 October 2008 - Mission accomplished
Thursday, 23 October 2008 - A rare moment of blue in a sea of red
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
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1. P.J. said:
ouch...
2. erika said:
......is there anything that men do to themselves that is remotely as painful as what we do to ourselves?! if men only knew what we go through. And I mean REALLY knew. They have no clue. <=o/
3. Katherine said:
Precisely why I'm never getting one of those. I jump a foot in the air everytime I get my eyebrows waxed... I could never stand the pain of a bikini wax. *shudders*
4. glynnis said:
i'm eternally suspicious of cute little shops next to grocery stores. i went to get my nails done once at this place next to a grocery store, and i ended up getting bloody cuticles done by a large, oafish man. it took my hands weeks to recover.
5. Naaman said:
Vasectomies.
6. kidfarthest said:
why should men desire to *really* understand such insanities? that's akin to appealing to a normal, sneaker-clad pedestrian to *really* understand what a ballerina goes through to pull off those beautiful movements in order to more fully appreciate the dance. That's not how it works. If we think about the mangled and bloody feet its not a beautiful thing at all. Same with the various follicular holocausts women put themselves through.
7. kidfarthest said:
Yeah, Naaman-- I get a vasectomy every third Tuesday just to keep my boxers from sagging in that, y'know, less than appealing fashion that they sag when, um, the yambag hasn't been nipped and tucked in just the right way.
8. heather said:
There have been numerous ads here (Washington DC), including radio promos, for the laser hair removal. I'm so thinking about it. I means, guys have their nads zapped, and nothing gets injured. It can't be that bad!
9. JSN said:
Bikini waxing scares me more than being accused of having 70's bush in the heat of the moment.
10. jess said:
oh dooce, i've totally had this happen to me before. and it wasn't even spontaneous, i'd actually made the appointment and everything and she nearly killed me.
11. April said:
This is the first time I have ever fainted while reading dooce.com.
12. kane said:
It sounds as if this bikini waxer got the words "copulation" and "waxing" mixed-up; because you definately got screwed.
13. Totah DinÈ said:
I'm thinking next time, a weed whacker.
14. Donna said:
I know the feeling. My friend, who dragged me to the wax, informed me that I bled. The bikini waxer told her so.
15. ericalynn said:
yes, but, heather (commenter heather, that is) - the laser hair removal commercials you are hearing are more for people who want to remove hair from their faces and maybe legs and things like that. laser bikini removal is of course, done, but not really something they do often. anyway, I have had laser hair removal on my face and let me tell you, it is *painful* - a million times more painful than a waxing... so I would never in a million years suggest to do the laser down there... if it hurts that much on the face, ohhh boyyy....
16. Ex-liontamer said:
Lemme get this straight. You hire someone to put wax next to WHERE?
17. The Mighty Jimbo said:
Ok...I am SOOOO glad that I'm a man.
18. Scott said:
This "spontaneous bikini wax" doesn't sound like a scenario for a porno movie, it sounds more like a Bela Lugosi movie. Horrors!
19. batty said:
I only ever had my bikini line waxed once in my life. The subsequent bruising was so bad that my bits were still icky bruise-yellow coloured when the regrowth started.
(Normally I just lurk but I wanted to comment today - I feel your pain!)
20. shotwise said:
On the way up to Memphis, there's a massive billboard for "Quick Vascectomy Reversal." That sounds painful...
21. ron said:
sorry abt yr episode. today's title made me smile because i have been learning to play big yellow taxi on the guitar.
22. slocore said:
Good for you! Next time go for the Playboy wax and get any straggling butt hairs too.
23. Hilatron said:
Long ago, I decided to give up the fight with my nether follicles. Now I can cross my legs without wincing, and no one has kicked me out of bed yet.
Now, as for those who ran screaming before we even got to the bed part, that's a different thing altogether...
24. zach said:
Boobies are so much less compicated.
25. zach said:
yes - compicated
26. cat said:
oh i showed my dearly beloved what i go through...
once he was taking a nap after i had suffered through a particularly nasty waxing that left me BRUISED. soooooo -
i snuck upon the sleeping little angel, lifted his shirt and slathered his back with hot wax and yanked for all i was worth. he woke up screaming for his life and his mommy and the puppy he had when he was 10 and i said, "there. multiply that by 100 and think about why i'm grumpy." now he never says anything if i allow things to um...take a walk on the wild side
-if you will - for a little bit b/c i don't have the courage to deal with the bloody torture of my nether regions...
27. ME said:
It wasn't a Brazillian, was it? The type of waxing I mean. Not the waxer.
28. leslie said:
oh honey, a skilled waxer is more valuable than a good haircutter or facialist. i'm so sorry you had to endure that horror of all horrors, and i hope you had a good supply of khiel's lady shaverette lotion at home to help with the aftermath. (if not i suggest putting it on your xmas list!)
29. Jenny said:
God. Please tell me where you were so I can make sure never to go there.
30. Keith said:
We men endure Scott Baio marathons on TVLand. If that's not as emotionally painful and scarring as the physical aspects of a bikini wax, I don't know what is.
31. Greg said:
While I've never done it, I might suggest that many gay men might empathize after a fashion, but straight men... no.
Just remember that during waxings, periods, childbirth... well, either the Christians are right and God hates women or the angry lesibian feminists are right and ya'all'd be better off not subjegating yourselves to the standards set by men.
Both may be frightening prospects, but at the end of the day you must ask... which one are you crawling into bed with?
And I suggest that you make your spouse have his body plucked individually with rusty pliers to further your relationship. Appreciation is always a boon.
32. Leslie said:
my thighs have sympathy pains
33. audrey said:
scott baio is my god
34. Desiree said:
I was so freaked by the potential pain of bikini waxing that I only first had one years after I had a child and after I got tattooed; I did it in anticipation of a trip to Maui this last Sept., and I went for the gold on my first try by getting a playboy wax. I will never forget the first time I looked in a mirror afterward and was like "Hello, I haven't seen you since I was like 10"! Though shockingly painful (at first), it's so worth it.
35. dooce said:
these are my best comments ever. it feels like i've unleashed a lurking grumble, and I say, let it ROAR.
36. the non-waxed husband said:
For the record, she was waxing before I entered the scene... I'm still grateful and respectful. And there is no male pain like female pain... Men, get over yourselves. We are walking sperm banks. Occasionally with beards.
37. elizabeth said:
Your description is so dreamlike, that I'm still having trouble convincing myself this really happened.
Regardless, it confirms my conviction to stick to other, less painful, hair removal methods.
38. Glovia said:
Desiree: you waxed the bottom system? That would be an even more tearful photo than of Dooce's niece.
39. heather said:
Ericalynn: around here, any hairy part goes. I can't remember the name of the company doing it now, but DC101 had a big promo recently, asking for guys to send in their scary back hair stories, and the best one would get about $6K worth of hair removal. Underarms, nads, backs, bikinis - anything goes.
40. Nikki said:
I have an epilator under my bathroom sink collecting dust. I actually used to think it was pretty nifty until I tried epilating my underarms. It's kind of like trying to remove hair by scraping it off with an exacto knife.
41. dirtybilllover said:
I shave, but using a product titled (no I'm not kidding) Coochy Creme. No bumps, no ingrown hairs, no razor burn, no chemical burn and no idiots who have no business near my coochy near my coochy.
42. dayna said:
in the emerg dep't i work at, we had a lovely woman come in a few months ago, after enduring a brazilian wax. she paid over 100 bucks (canadian, gasp!) to have half her labia burned off. i'm sure they can do marvellous things with plastic surgery these days....
43. J from The Safeword said:
I will admit to being a complete baby when I get my eyebrows waxed.
However, I would rather get my entire body waxed than get another trans-glans genital piercing.
Don't make me post the video online.
44. Feelafel said:
Yet another reason why every girl needs to get a set of nads.
45. Heather #2 said:
Keith: did you seriously just compare Scott Baio marathons to bikini waxing???
46. RW said:
erica asks, "is there anything that men do to themselves that is remotely as painful as what we do to ourselves?!"
yes, erica. we go out with women.
47. Sheila said:
N-A-I-R.
48. Aubrey #3 said:
Wow! I will never ask my wife to get one of these! Thank you Dooce! My wife will thank you too!
--Aubrey
49. Heather #2 said:
Dude, men. Did you not read the post? Did you not see what the Non-Waxed Husband had to say??? You sooooo can't compete.
50. bill said:
Um, Sheila... I've heard on good authority that N-A-I-R and your nether regions should NEVER be mixed. But, then, I'm a guy. You get on with your bad self.
51. Beerzie Boy said:
Copulation CD = Barry White's Greatest Hits
52. coley said:
why would you want to do this anyway? more power to those who do, but i'm all for natural stuff...
53. The Mighty Jimbo said:
Coochy Creme? Now there's a domain name I need to register. Almost as good as Mintyass.com.
54. Your Correctional Officer said:
To all those people who think men don't have to go through that amount of pain: 1) being kicked in the balls and 2) kidney stones. Having 2 rocks, dare I say BOULDERS, come out of the most sensitive part of your body. The part of the body that usually is a male's sole purpose in life, that if he were removed he would not want to live anymore. And he's pushing ROCKS through it. LOTS of them. Hurts like nothing anyone who hasn't popped a 7 lbs baby out of their nether regions and the reason why I think there is no god.
55. Heather #2 said:
OK, Correctional Officer, I'll give you that, although women also experience great pain from kidney stones. We, too, have a small urinary tract from which we must excrete said stones. But really, Scott Baio and girlfriends??? That's like having someone tell you their spouse just died and you say, "Yeah. I know what you're going through. I just lost my favorite pair of shoes last week."
56. Wayne said:
2% milk and medium spicy bean dip?
57. jen said:
I do the laser hair removal thing (on my face) and let me tell you, it is like a hundred little needles in your face every 6 weeks. Women totally suffer for beauty. Oh, the insanity.
58. Dave Thomas said:
If I could become beautiful just by removing a few facial hairs, I wouldn't complain about it.
59. Miss Mea-Mea said:
Ok, I have to admit that I must not know jack about bikini waxing. I had mine for the first time about a month ago, and I asked for a Brazilian thinking that she would take off all the hair and leave a little bit at the top, a sort of pubic Hitler mustache. Instead she ripped off all the top hair and left everything south of the Great Divide intact. Like a goatee. What's a Playboy then? Is that what I thought a Brazilian was? And by the way, although I almost cried and changed my mind in the middle of the waxing and leapt off the table with half a bush, I so love it now. A month later and there's still barely enough to care about. Can't beat that.
60. mole said:
ever try waxing from home? i have had great success with a $5 box of Sally Hansen's warm wax hair remover kit. 4 minutes in the microwave, and it comes with a little bottle of lotion to dull the pain afterwards. it hurt, but not bad enough to keep me from using it again and again. plus, total control...and nobody up in your grill. smooth.
61. Sheila said:
Hey Bill,
I was referring to a 'standard' bikini situation...not the 'full monty'. But hot wax or Nair...you're supposed to endeavor to keep both away from those delicate membranes.
Wax on....
62. Amy said:
They do bikini waxes in Utah???
63. Zan said:
You do this on purpose?
64. Dave Thomas said:
Only when "praying the hair away" fails.
65. brynne said:
So on a scale from say, full-body massage nekkid, to pap smear nekkid, just how invasive are these bikini waxes anyway? Are we talking stirrups here?
66. folically challenged said:
what's a brazilian wax? what's a playboy wax? pray tell.
67. Billy said:
Erika -- My wife wanted to test out this new "wax" she found to see if it really worked the way they said it would. The dog was nowhere to be found; so, she made me volunteer to test this -- molten lava -- on my back. I didn't know that hair follicles were that well supplied with blood. The pain -- I do not mind now when I hit my thumb with the hammer. And the worst thing was, she said, "We can't just do part of it. It looks funny." And it must have looked funny because she was laughing her ass off.
68. Ex-liontamer said:
Oh yeah, and "Caveat Emptor".
69. moose said:
oh. my. god.
70. spontaneous bikini wax said:
seriously, don't kill the messenger.
71. Kat said:
I agree with Leslie. A skilled waxer is extremely important. I nearly canceled a move across the country for a waxer. I'm not kidding.
And Miss Mea-Mea: your waxer does not understand what a Brazilian wax is. Your original description of a "pubic Hitler mustache" is pretty much correct. It conjures up some really odd imagery, though.
72. jess said:
i've used a home-wax kit and let's just say i think i'll leave the bikini waxing to the professionals. even if i do end up with a little bruising.
73. cat said:
ok, ok - i only wish i could demonstrate getting the wax like my cousin laura did. but i can't - so onward. the thing that all the playboy models have is a brazilian wax.... so, a playboy and a brazilian are one and the same.
darlin', whoever left you with all your lower bottom system hair did not do a successful job. of course, you might be happy about that. :) i just don't have the guts to wax out all my hair, um, back thataway.
and the aforementioned cousin said the lady she goes to puts numbing cream on it all. i mean, ALL OVER IT. she did a nifty demo of that too...
hey - where does one buy coochy creme?
74. Kat said:
Oh, and Dooce: I feel your pain. I've had some hellish waxes before. I once went to a waxer who put the wax on wayyyy too hot, and the skin in my "area" was peeling like a sunburn for a week. So attractive. I told her it was too hot at least five times, and she told me to stop being such a baby and suck it up. Needless to say, I never went back. I also entertained many thoughts of her brutal and painful death. Because I'm forgiving like that.
75. Grimwell said:
Yet another day when I think: "Thank you God for making me a man!"
Don't get me wrong, I love women, but I don't comprehend some of the things you do to yourselves.
Wax + bikini line /= good.
76. Chris said:
Million-dollar idea: "Lakesha's International House of Tequilla and Waxing".
77. PD said:
Stop all that waxing. Who ever told you ladies that a landing strip was sexy? It's NOT. Removing hairs that spill over into the navel or the thighs is one matter, but stop removing all that soft fluffy goodness down there. It looks good, OK?
78. Too Embarassed said:
Does it itch when it grows back? I had to be shaved down there once when I had a procedure for infertility done and I was scratching for weeks while it grew back. It was neither attractive nor comfortable.
79. lor said:
reason #5,218 i will not wax in that region.
80. an honest man said:
i appreciate the pain you ladies go through.
the "bald" look is a wonderful one.
so... thanks :)
81. markh said:
i once thought i had minstrel cramps, but it was just my hammered dulcimer. does that count?
82. kgjbnme said:
ahh, yes, the snatch wax. I've been to a couple of 'em who are clueless or sadists or both, and ended up stippled and ouchy, but my current wax on/wax off lady, a very efficient Russian dollface in her 40's, is a dream. She's quick, requiring only two strips per side, and as gentle as could be under the circumstances. The relatively good experience and the stubble-free month are worth the price (3X what the clueless sadists charge). And as for why I don't go natural? Please. What's sexy about a wild jungle peeking out from the edges of the thong front? My actual bottom system, however, is a wax-free zone -- Lara Flynn Weirdo, I'm not. Oh, and one more thing:
Men: shut up.
83. moose said:
Most of these men have not a clue. Scrumptious Bearded One exempted, of course.
84. Dill said:
Damn lost my comment. I always thought the bald look was wonderful... TO A PEDOPHILE!!! I mean, common, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow. Besides it is much more comfortable "aux natural" then when it reaches "sandpaper crotch" stage and causes me lots-o-chafing.
85. Ariel said:
As unsure as I am about Los Angeles, I do have to vouch for the skill of the waxers here. Since everyone waxes their EVERYTHING here, the waxers have lots of practice...and are so cheap! Why, I just had a full leg and bikini done by Mena, my Iranian waxer/love slave, for $25!! That woulda cost me $60 in Seattle.
Bad waxers, meanwhile, are the stuff of nightmares. I had one wax job in Olympia, WA where the waxer applied opaque glop (the sort meant for faces) from above my knee to below my ankle, AND TRIED TO RIP IT OFF ALL AT ONCE! As you can imagine, one 20" strip of fabric cannot be pulled off in one quick yank, and so it took her FOREVER to rip it off bit by bit. AWFUL! I had ingrown hairs and red bumps for weeks. And it cost a fortune!
When you find the best waxer in Utah, you kiss her, hug her, and never let her go.
86. Ariel said:
Oh, and to answer Brynn's question about what a "brazil wax" REALLY is? A brazil is when they wax your entire gential area, all the way from the front to the back. Let me be more blunt: it includes everything from your pubic triangle to your ass crack. Everything. I have never had it done, but used to go to place that specialized. Oh, and no: the hair that grows in post-waxing does NOT ITCH like post-shaving hair. It grows back oh so soft. And now, I'll stop talking about waxing.
87. darsella said:
i just had a very trying wax experience last weekend (my nurturing and expeditious russian regular was out of town so i went to a very poor replacement) and not only am i recovering from scalded skin but she ruined my favorite black shirt!! i never thought i'd say 'be grateful you had hot wax dripped on your knees' but it might be better than having hot wax dripped across your favorite shirt, and then have the inept waxer try to rub it off (grind it in) with a wet towel.
i also learned that you cannot shave AND wax. i was chastised by the dribbler for having shaved a little. newbies, if you're going to take the wax plunge, make sure you havent shaved in the previous 4 weeks. oh, and dont wear anything you like.
88. Natasha said:
Never, ever, ever, ever.
89. pea joe. said:
Hey, about being a minority here in SLC, ... you are in slc aren't you ... just remember i got your back. I didn't grow up in The Church, but I do have Mo family and I did grow up being pissed at The Church. but ever since I got out of high school I've realized that it gets better here every year. It sounds like y'alls friends in The Church are pretty ok, but if you're having difficulty with The Church, get yourself some heathen friends. If y'all are having trouble appreciating the city or the state, meet some transplants, 'cuz all of 'em liked it enough to move here.
90. Laura said:
My only question is, what's wrong with having 70s bush? Unless you're going to a P.Diddy party, that is.
91. Trimmed said:
There's nothing wrong with a '70s bush...but bare skin makes the whole area more sensative. I'm not advocating waxing ye olde cooter, but a little trim here and there does wonders for the sensation factor.
92. Shamed said:
...Naturally, I meant sensItive.
93. Chad's Favorite Bridesmaid said:
It's official...I'm so never doing this.
94. GracieFay said:
And that's the exact reason I prefer to let my loins wear a full fur coat. Call me Cleopatra Jones if you must.
95. s said:
we go through great pains just to be in fasion
96. thinker said:
i accidently entered your website, while on a trail to find out more about mormans....i clicked lifestlyes, mormans....and your website was one search.
i sure found in interesting to have some insight on what u spoke.
i came to this country a few yrs back, and just happen to know that there many mormans in my college, and all i know is most of them are married young, have many kids, and they are mormans!
was just curious to know why so many young people were so devoted to religon, quite rare to see.
97. thinker said:
oh yeah by the way in reference to this posting.....i get my legs and hands waxed its usually fast and quick few seconds of pain and then 1-2 months of alopecia.....
also its better than shaving.
never tried bikini waxing however! ......
98. JSN said:
70's bush has served me well thus far...
99. kidfarthest said:
I'm with Dill on the pedophile factor-- I don't know why else that would be considered attractive unless men are pressuring women to simulate young snatch... and women also believe themselves to be more beautiful when they look pre- or barely pubescent down there. Whatever.
100. Ricky Ticky Taffy said:
It's not a pedophile thing. I hope not for most people anyways. It's a considerate thing for when we go down there. Ever had a short n' curly stuck between your teeth? Go lick a soft wire brush to get an idea of what it's like and you'll understand the considerable difference in comfort for the guy.
101. Anna said:
This is why we must choose our aestheticians with more care and scrutiny than we choose our husbands. Or do all that wax and pluck crap ourselves.
102. Tommy said:
I hesitate to write you, for fear of becoming the target of some of the most clever ridicule and diatribe on the net. However, for reason now clear to me, the previous e-mail address I had for you is no longer in service, I must. I got into the FBI. I start in January 2003. You are still one of the best writers I've read.
103. SnarkyPup said:
Hmm. All the (female) complaining about the pain of waxing comes across as kind of ... well ... weird. Don't want to get waxed? Then don't do it. Want to get waxed? Then don't get all huffy with your boyfriend/husband about how painful it is. Is your boyfriend/husband pressuring you to get waxed and you don't want to do it? Dump his ass. But don't go do something under your own willpower that hurts like hell and then get mad at someone else for the pain. Grow the hell up.
104. owen said:
This one really raised the bar, right? Anyway, I guess I'm trying to tread the middle ground here: no waxing, please, but a little trim (ladies AND gentlemen) can help the medicine, er, go down.
But whatever you do, keep it clean.
105. Stephanie said:
Okay. I have to share a story. I grew up on the waterfront of Hood Canal, which is sort of near Seattle. Summertimes were spent in swimsuits. My neighbor, a 40-something redheaded siren with a 70s bush that always looked like it was straining to be released from the sides of her swimsuit, attempted to "trim it up" one day with a pair of kitchen scissors. While doing so, her foot slipped off of her footstool, which caused her to cut off the end of one of her labia. I repeat, she cut off the end of a labia with her kitchen scissors. Need I say more?
106. Stephanie said:
Also, where do I get Coochy Creme?????
107. Ariel said:
Did a little research:
http://www.freddyandeddy.com/
productreviews/coochyreview.htm
108. marie said:
do you think hers are real? My fiance and i can't decide. he's been speding alot of time "studying" them. http://www.emusicfan.com/
mig.php?pageType=folder&currDir=./
Christina_Aguilera/Maxim_2003
109. mole said:
holy airbrush, batman...
110. pecky said:
No amount of hair could ever fend off my mouth. Like a regular brer rabbit.
111. jennay said:
"follicular holocausts" - oh man.
112. Chad's Favorite Bridesmaid said:
Hey Ricky, are you kidding?! YOU'RE asking WOMEN if we've ever had a short n' curly stuck between our teeth? I could read a million of these types of sites & NEVER would I read one that a man wrote discussing how he tried to straighten things out for one of us.
113. Grace said:
Your writing & your wit make me laugh out loud.