A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume I
Tuesday, December 17 2002
File Under:
Daily, Lists
link to this entry
comments closed
One should never participate in a spontaneous bikini wax.
If one is taking regularly scheduled potty breaks, one is obviously not spending enough time looking for full-time employment and therefore will not qualify for an unemployment insurance extension.
My dog looks smashing in styling gel and bobby pins.
People should reconsider naming their children Kemper, or Kjeldon, or Kovar, or VeLyn, or JeLyn, or Hyrum, or Helium, or Allegra. I refuse to refer to your child as Prophet Joseph, Jr.
My mom really is the Avon World Sales Leader. She so wasn't kidding.
Some of the people who read a website and make comments on that website are COMPLETELY INSANE.
- Two brief anecdotes
Monday, 22 September 2008 - For now her name is Puppy
Friday, 19 September 2008 - A furious magician
Wednesday, 17 September 2008 - Next week we're introducing her to Pink Floyd
Tuesday, 16 September 2008 - On being a better homemaker
Monday, 15 September 2008
Browse by Category:
1. Paul said:
That's why I will keep my comments to myself.
2. S. said:
Styling gel works great on cats too. Especially if you have a longhair and you've always wanted to fulfill your latent mohawk fantasies.
3. The Mighty Jimbo said:
More fart jokes! More fart jokes! And bukkake! And asparagus! I like asparagus.
4. Beerzie Boy said:
I'm naming my next boy Vyagarah just so I can call him Vy.
5. Edsmonkey said:
Remember it's not how many times you go but how long you stay in there (and what you are reading).
We need to see pics of Chuck in gel and bobby pins!
*of course one also wonders how much time you spend coiffeuring your dog*
6. Anonymous said:
Oh! And one should never participate in a spontaneous colorectal examination.
7. Funtime Ben said:
Yeah, people who read a website and make comments on that website are COMPLETELY INSANE. I'm glad somebody said it... hey wait...
8. Prophet Completely Insane, Jr. said:
My Mom, VeLyn, could beat your mom in an Avon sell-off any day, sister.
9. Brandon said:
My Grandmother used to sell Avon. Well not actually Avon. It was some cheap knock-off brand based on "Aloe - Natures Miracle Plant". Yeah, when I was 13 she gave me this acne medication...for christmas. It cured my acne, but who would have known I would have a horrible topical reaction to Aloe. Plants suck.
10. vic said:
i like the names of shirley q liquor's 19 children. some examples:
cheeto, gynolotramin, k-martina, cotylenol, puff pastry, clymidia, champagne and the list goes on.
11. lindsay said:
as a former southern-Idaho democrat Lutheran (ha! ha ha! ha ha ha!) i have to also request a moritorium on all child-names such as Cody, Dakota, Sierra, Sienna, and Hootie. No, seriously, there was a Mormon family in the town I lived in with 11 children, two of which were naemd variations of Hootie. It almost makes me glad to be back in Northern VA, with the Christian Right and all. ALMOST. I do miss the Jello molds of Logan and and Pocatello, though.
12. Eponymous said:
A friend told a wonderful story of using Nair in the bikini area and then going for a jog. Two blocks later she was pounding on the door of someone's house in dire pain. Needless to say, I have never tried Nair.
I had my children's names planned out since junior high. Zeus, for a boy and Odessa for a girl. No surprise I read the Illiad when I was seven.
My mom must have bought all of that Avon crap from your mom. I think she still has some.
13. Jason Kill said:
I find the comments on your site to be mostly people struggling to imitate your wit. In a world where everyone fancies himself a writer, you are the real thing. Peace.
14. Anna said:
The Utah Baby Namer: My personal favorite is "Abcde"
15. shy said:
to previous commenter - adobe is totally money and bling! bling! and basically super ultra mega dumb fresh! props on the cool name... i don't know about kid's name, but when i get a dog, i'm calling him mango. dooce, i am sorry that i am insane. but i am now on xanax so i'm much more relaxed these days.
16. dooce said:
shy, i only said some of the people, not all of the people.
17. liz said:
now, I knew someone named Allegra..
18. aubs said:
a boy from my high school truly wanted to name his kid 'asshole'. His name would be 'Asshole Kane.' I think in his twisted mind it would rid people of the thoughts of naming him 'Candy' instead. Re: hair gel in dogs, I painted my cat's tail white last night out of frustration from him continuing to walk on my newly gessoed canvas. Thus far, he seems to like his smashing new look. I'll give him Clairol Mega hold next time.
19. drew said:
i have a niece named xaundelle
20. Naaman said:
Some people can be completely insane all of the time, or all of the people can be completely insane some of the time, but all of the people cannot be completely insane all of the time. *This excludes Rev. Jesse Jackson, Jerry Fallwell, and the newly added Trent Lott.
21. the media said:
best kid name, god almighty. almighty for short.
22. why be normal? said:
My neighbors named their newborn daughter "Laura" and I'm all like what kind of wacked name is that???
23. alli said:
I already know I'm insane. But thank you for the reminder!
24. Mark said:
Woof. Pass the carrots, please.
25. ex southern babtist said:
You are right about the insane thing. I just glance past those ones. The good commentaries are the ones I pay attention to.
26. shy said:
forget what i said previously... i obviously didn't read what anna wrote properly. 'Abcde' is so not the same as 'adobe'. obviously my xanax is relaxing me a little too much.
27. Laura said:
Why Be Normal?: It's a perfectly lovely name. So don't even step to this.
28. shy said:
believe me, dooce... i think it's safe to categorize me in the insane category. but thanks for the clarification. ;)
29. Totah DinÈ said:
The name Hortense makes me giggle. It's an oxymoron that I find rather amusing.
30. kgjbnme said:
Rule for Naming a Child: the name should sound good with "U.S. Supreme Court Justice" preceding it.
31. peechie said:
The absolute *worst* thing people can do to their childrens'names is to try to give them an ordinary name, but spell it all fucked up so that *nobody* can ever pronounce it (or spell it) correctly. ie. Gennie (for Jenny), Brandyn (for Brandon), etc. There would be better examples if I weren't tired - think of your own.
32. Aarika said:
Yeah, that "taking a normal name and spelling it differently" thing is SO 1980.
33. Suzyn said:
It's just a name, for the love of god. So our parents were stoned hippy weirdos or addicted to `80s nighttime soaps or romance novels or just all pseudo-creative. We pay our bills on time, have our cars approved by state emission controls, recycle our newspapers and generally try to be decent citizens. It's not like we're preparing neo-fascist terrorists to take over American culture. Damn.
34. Ex-liontamer said:
I'M not the one who's insane...HE is. No I'm not. Okay, stop it, you two.
35. Sheila said:
I went to school with some named Syndi. *ralph*
36. slackjaw said:
eay don theenk imall that crazee. huh? noow not awl craezy......... jus sotra inna hed
37. Dave Thomas said:
You want to talk about painful names?
38. megchem said:
Um, It's NEVER a good idea to wax your armpits....I almost passed out!
39. HurgleGurgle said:
More commentary on Utah County, some of it funny:
40. HurgleGurgle said:
Doh!
Snide Remarks
41. nicole said:
don't forget 'skeeter, scooter, critter, cooter, and thud'.
that still makes me laugh.
42. dennis said:
Is there normally a lot of planning associated with bikini waxing? Teach me the secrets of intimate hair removal!
43. April said:
I don't suffer from insanity. I'm enjoying every minute of it.
44. bucci said:
I try to be as witty as Dooce, but I think I always fall short. I guess I comment because it makes me feel a little like I'm a part of something great. Why is 'Hortense' an oxymoron? And 'Laura' was a made-up name too, only it was made up by Petrarch from the 'Laural' the wreath given to great poets. So, 'Laura' is the name of the fleeting beauty, the Muse that refuses to linger.
45. LK said:
i second on the "fucked-up spelling of normal names" comment. just think of all the wasted seconds in a person's entire lifetime spelling out his/her name every single time someone asks. "my name is Kristyn. K, R, I... no, I... S, T, Y... no, that's a Y, not an E..." oy.
46. the propagandist said:
yeah, we're crazy. i'm just a hired character assassin.
you're a dog hairstylist and endurance potty breaker.
you lose.
47. Natasha said:
I just stumbled upon your website today, and I'll tell you my opinion: I happen to LOVE it. Your comments are right up my alley---I thought *I* was the insane one for thinking this way!!! Keep it up.
48. Anonymous said:
why dont you list the names of people that make good/funny comments.
49. Russell said:
Doocerama! Yipes. No more tears pour moi--consider me thrilled to (accidentally) find you back in business.
50. Rachel said:
After listening to your "Leaving L.A." mix, you should make a "Dammit, I live in Utah mix."
Fabulous set of songs back on that page.
51. cicada said:
I grew up in and around Pocatello. I know what Lindsay means about Jell-o. My Mormon sister bragged about a recipe for a nine-layer Jell-o molded dessert. It takes about seven hours to make, and a big part of that is actual working time. I do miss Pocatello sometimes, but not the religion, and definitely not those kind of desserts. Here in Texas, the preferred accompaniment to every meal is scary orange queso.
52. cicada said:
Er, make that "kinds".
53. garrett said:
... but aren't we all completely insane? Mark Twain said, "When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
54. Staycee said:
I went to high school with a girl named "Delicious Chew"...
55. Billy said:
I'm stuck on those two variations of the name "Hootie." And I'm COMPLETELY insane? Do you really think United States Supreme Court Justice Bushrod Washington goes together well? Wait a minute --
56. Is HurgleGurgle your given name? said:
HurgleGurgle, your link to Eric Snider's web page is broken. Help.
57. Aubrey #3 said:
he he he he...
I bet Chuck loves being in bobby pins!
58. Mark said:
I think your website is an excellent way to vent. Although, sort of demented, still a very effective method. I am 38 and think similar things about my life and the people around me. I love my family and friends, but sometimes you just have to vent.
59. Jenny said:
Just thought I'd let ya know, you are the spotlighted site on my website right now. :)
60. Insane Commenter said:
Am not.
61. Insane Commenter's Other Personalities said:
(are too...)
62. The Mighty Jimbo said:
ummm...just what exactly is a "spontaneous" bikini wax? cause i really, REALLY want to avoid those if at all possible.
63. Carrie said:
Speaking giving names a little more consideration, I can't understand why there are grown men named Richard who refer to themselves as "Dick", or worse still, "Dickie". Extra points if his last name is "Johnson". {Immature giggle}
64. Scott said:
Taking part in a "spontaneous bikini wax"? That sounds like a senario for a porno movie.
65. 'Chelle said:
You put styling gel on your dog and _we're_ the insane ones? ... ... ... ... Damn straight we are.
66. thinker said:
i totally agree with jason kill.....everyone is indeed struggling to compete with u.
for a moment i just realised i was doing the same, coz i always wished i could be a writer. i have all these things on my mind i want to pen, but never quite get to it....