Every comment should include the word "poop"
So it's time to talk about some of the good things going on around here in regards to feedback I get from this site because my chi or my energy or whatever is all so negative lately that my four day pooping streak SUDDENLY ENDED. And just let me start by saying that I don't remember the last time I pooped four days in a row. Maybe never? Jon may be mad at me for publishing this, but he is a day-to-day pooper. I married a man who considers it a problem when he goes more than 24 hours without a shit. Obviously our marriage works only because my poop and his poop cancel each other out.
I call him when I poop, he calls me when he doesn't poop.
The other day I went to my New Faux P.O. Box and found a little pink slippy thing that told me I had an oversized package I needed to pick up. I nearly pooped my pants, and this was before the four day streak had even started! A package! For me! This was in addition to some awesome things I have already received, including lots of cool postcards and letters from around the world, places like New Zealand, Mississippi, New Mexico, New York, Texas, Maryland, Washington D.C., and Australia. I got a "More Cowbell" lapel button from Ali in Virginia, and a lovely woman named Tess even sent me the Justin Timberlake CD (I actually did pee my pants when I opened that package). Alas, no where in the liner notes is he naked. That's when the pee traveled back up my pants leg and into my bladder.
I opened the oversized package before I even got back to the car -- I set Leta on the curb and hoped she wouldn't fall over into the street, because I was drunk and had knives in my hand, and I was listening to Satan on my MP3 player, don't say I can't multitask! -- and inside was the "Jeopardy!" Quiz Book 2, and my new bedside companion, Put Hemorrhoids & Constipation Behind You, from a another lovely woman named DeAnn. This is the best book ever written because there are illustrations inside that show how to insert suppositories correctly and which is the best position to sit on the toilet for prime poopage.
At least once a week I get an email from someone who tells me that the reason I am so constipated is because of my horrible diet, that my horrible diet is going to kill me and my daughter. Did you know that all I eat are pop tarts and Doritos? IT SAYS SO RIGHT THERE ON THE INTERNET. Here is lesson number one in today's entry: 1) Don't believe everything you read on the Internet. In addition to pop tarts and Doritos, I eat small kittens for lunch. You wouldn't know that unless you knew me, unless I had come out and said so right here on my website. I EAT SMALL KITTENS.
The truth is (can you handle the truth?) I have a pretty healthy diet. I indulge in Doritos about once a month for lunch on a Saturday afternoon with my husband outside on the porch. Jon and I share pop tarts in the morning, and I rarely finish mine. The pop tart complements our glass of orange juice and a small portion of a whole wheat bagel. I eat a high fiber, whole grain lunch, and for dinner we usually have lean meats and a green vegetable. Yes, occasionally we'll eat pizza, and yes, I will give half of my piece to the dog, but when someone says, "My favorite food is ice cream," THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY EAT ICE CREAM FOR EVERY MEAL.
My constipation goes deeper than my diet. I don't know how deep it goes, perhaps all the way to my toes, but I have to follow a pretty strict regimen to stay regular, a regimen including weekly exercise and a specific amount of water intake a day. I also get a lot of email asking me for advice on constipation wondering what I did during pregnancy to curb it and what I do know to make sure the poop flows. So in addition to thanking DeAnn for the book and everyone else for the wonderful things they have sent me in the mail, I wanted to take this post and help out those people whose bottom systems are giving them problems.
Lesson number two in today's entry comes from the constipation book: 2) Did you know that you're supposed to be able to poop in less than two minutes? IT SAYS SO IN THE BOOK, MEN. The optimum time from urge of evacuation to actual elimination should take no longer than SIX MINUTES! Which means you shouldn't have to take in any reading material. I have never in my life known a male who can poop in under 30 minutes, who doesn't have to take in an entire year's worth of MacWorld to see him from start to finish.
I'm leaving comments open on this post and I'm asking for your advice! GOD! I'm so confusing! First I say, no advice, and now I'm asking for it. Think of it as a discussion. How do you stay regular?
(p.s. I went to my mailbox today and got another over-sized package, a beautiful picture book of pictures taken from this site and professionally bound, and I don't know who sent it to me. Did you send it to me?)
(p.p.s. I should point out that the four day streak of consistent pooping has everything to do with the soybeans we've been eating every night for the past week. I love edamame!)
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
301. Cristina said:
That book sounds wonderful. Funny, I was thinking the other day how many people read your site, and despite the occasional obnoxious email, a high percentage of these people like you if not downright love you. And they live all over the country--if you had addresses for all of us, you could travel the country and never want for a bathroom, a telephone to use to call for help, a warm bed (or fold out couch) if hotels were full. A network of Dooce love is out there.
I hope your four day streak makes a comeback!
302. Julie said:
i am a fellow sufferer. the only ting regular about me is my constipation. three things seem to help: Multi-bran Chex w/ soy milk, coffee, and sitting at my computer in the morning while consuming Multi-bran Chex w/ soy milk and coffee. If any of the elements of this routine are tampered with I'm hosed. {i'm also hypothyroid + if my synthroid dose isn't right on this greatly increases my constipation}
303. chiana said:
My husband has horrid IBS along with a host of other medical problems. He has gone for days without going poop and of course lucky me gets to hear about it. I buy as much Dr Pepper as I can keep on hand and have him drink at least one a day (Dr Pepper has prune juice in it) and I also will fix something with cabbage in it at least once a week, (or I try at least once a week) it seems to help him and keeps him out of the ER.
304. jen said:
i used to have constipation problems as well. i would go weeks without taking a poop and then when i did it was like unloading a dump truck. i went to the doctor because of my constipation problem and the fact that my stomach was making me double over in pain with acid problems. i was told i had acid reflux disease and oh well just take zantac for the rest of my life and eat metamucil for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
it was only after i became vegetarian (for personal reasons) that i finally became regular AND the acid pain in my stomach was reduced immensely. i'm not saying in order to poop you must become a veggie (veggies do poop a lot!), but rather the soy products i've eaten to take the place of certain proteins definitely has an effect on the downstairs system. if anything i'd recommend eating some more soy products. i noticed you mentioned the poop streak was due to eating some soy stuff so that may very well be your answer. instead of having a ham sandwich for lunch, try zapping a veggie burger in the microwave and voila, you'll have your intake of poop inducing weaponry for the day. (morning star products are wonderful and their sausage tastes really good)
305. mango lassie said:
1. small glass of juice first thing in the morning, followed by coffee.
2. when in trouble? black licorice. Yum ...
306. cpr said:
now if only people were as comfortable talking about farts. i think farts are hysterically funny. well, not the stinky ones. just the funny sounding ones. i mean, how can you not laugh? i think you should have a whole entry just about farts. we're all family here.
307. Anthony said:
I'm proud to say that I am a man and I can poop in under two minutes (and I do it every time!)
Go me.
308. Karen! said:
Lesson number two? Lesson number two? You funny Dooce.
309. Dana said:
I had absolutely NO idea poop was such an issue for so many people! You poor things! Wishing you regular days ahead.
310. Jenny Mahler said:
I, too, am an irregular pooper. I've never understood how people do it every day, or for god sakes, THREE TIMES A DAY. I've heard that a perfect healthy poop would be soft and skinny like a dogs, and would float. I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED THIS. Is that even real?
311. jessica said:
my daily routine:
breakfast: coffee, caffeine pill, toast. lunch: red bull, last nights dinner. dinner: diet coke, food.
guaranteed poopage each and every day.
312. jessica said:
oh yeah, a gastrointerologist once told me you should poop once a day and it should be as wide as your wrist and twice around the inside of the bowl. holy crap!
313. carrie said:
my mother-in-law says to eat two Big Macs. she says it works everytime for her. seems like a bad idea to me.
314. troublemaker said:
The reason you're not regular is because you don't love your dog enough and you obviously have no idea how to raise a child.
(God, I am SO kidding. Just had to put that out there.)
315. qp said:
"Even more mysterious is the phantom poop.. it comes out so fast that you don’t even know whether you have done it or not.. you have to check the superbowl to verify its existence."
Right, but what about the phantom poop that then ISN'T there when you check?? Or is that just me? I think sometimes the poop is so aquadynamic it practically flushes itself. Artful.
I am sorry I cannot add anything really helpful; I confess I have never really thought about it and usually poop daily in fewer than two minutes with no problems. Hate me! Coffee does seem to speed it along, though, but not, um, pleasantly.
316. The Food Whore said:
I can't believe I am saying this outloud, but why not. I can see I am not alone and that's a good feeling. I am a lifelong member of the PPC - Problematic Poopers Club.
I have IBS/Constipation. I am pretty sure I was born with it as digestive problems have plagued me since birth. So when people say I am full of shit, they aren't too far off the mark. I also have IPS - Irritable Person Syndrome. But that has nothing to do with poop. Although it may be a result of the IBS. Or it may be that I am just a naturally cranky bitch.
Things that work for me - herbal laxative tea. But be close to the bathroom. Sleep in there if you have to.
Black licorice from Austrailia. Kookaburra brand.
Starbuck's Coffee, extra strong, made in a French Press.
Catering for people. After a night of watching people make utter pigs of themselves you either want to puke or or you want to poop.
By the way, I am totally a bathroom reader. With my busy schedule, that place is the only guaranteed quiet time I have. Cooking magazines are my periodical of choice.
(My mother would be so proud of this post.)
317. jared said:
Men instinctively grab reading material before heading for the bathroom because it is hereditary. This learned trait has been passed down from father to son for many generations. In my house the bathroom is referred to as the “library.†I would not discourage this action. Because for some of us men it is the only time we get off of the couch and will actually read something - well, at least we SAY that we’re reading the articles.
318. Nikki said:
Maybe the small kittens consumed are forming a massive anti-poop hairball in your colon.
My sure-to-poop foods:
Raisin Bran
Eggs
Milk
Apple Juice
Desperate measures:
Castor Oil (have a wet rag handy to wipe your mouth out afterward- ugh)
319. Becca said:
I'm not really sure. I know it does have to do with what you eat. I myself don't always go everyday.
320. Brookie said:
Reading these comments has given ME the urge to poop.
Off I go . . .
321. Michael said:
It all comes from living without Jesus. I am Jewish; every time someone approaches me on the street and tells me to love Jesus, I shit. Try it. It really works.
322. Edie said:
Until 5 months ago I had exactly the the opposite problem of constipation.
I had my gall bladder removed several years ago and from then on every meal was merely foreplay to an explosive stint in the bathroom. My entire life was consumed by eating and then a frantic sprint to see if I could make it there before I crapped my pants. I still don't understand how a french fry can insisit on leaving only seconds after it's hit my stomach. Ohhh - those days! Eating a meal any further away than a block from my house was premeditated underwear homicide.
Five months ago I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was dying of a heart attack and decided to get healthy. I threw away my cigarettes and went and bought some healthy food. I immediately quit pooping. At all times it felt like there was a Buick lodged in my colon. I longed for the days of eat-and-sprint. Finally unable to stand it anymore I started eating a lot of fiber. Rolls, apples, etc, etc. I like roasted garlic Truscuits in particular. This seems to have helped. I'm not saying I poo every day but at least now there's just a VW Bug in my ass. One of the old ones, not those sleek new ones. It's blue and the tires are flat but I like it a lot better than the Buick.
I guess what I'm saying is that I've been at both ends of the evacuation process and fiber seems to work if you eat enough of it. Having your gall bladder out works too but I wouldn't suggest that. For one thing, having an organ removed is just going too far and trust me, I've endured one too many rides home with my knuckles white and my jaws clenched praying to God that that wasn't the day a train would be blocking the road between me and my bathroom to wish THAT on anyone.
I realize fiber has already been mentioned a million times here in these solicited comments on your search for poopiness but I wanted to add my 2 cents because I love you Heather. You've made me smile just when I needed a smile SO many times. For that I wish you poop. Happy pooping on a regular basis.
323. Minla said:
Yes the coffee. But you have to only have coffee in the morning so it will be a shock to your bowels. Then you can go relieve your inner tension. My grandma says a warm glass of water will do it too.
324. aoi said:
Let me just thank you, Heather, for talking about poop just as much as I do.
Someone mentioned a bookstore, which cracks me up. For some reason, everytime I walk into a library or used bookstore, it's potty-time. I blame book mold. As for your constipation, I have nothing to offer, sorry!
325. tiffini said:
my boyfriend says the smell of old books makes him have to poop immediately. what is it about that smell?
326. Melis said:
Zelnorm. Stuff works wonders and took away the pain I was having (was eating pain killers daily because we thought I had a kidney stone from hell. Turns out I was just full of shit-literally!).
The other thing? If you have a Harrah's Casino, eat there. Their buffet, no matter what the hub and I eat, will turn us into toilet runners within an hour of eating there.
327. Patrick said:
I have a slightly different problem. I spend a half-hour in the bathroom, but the problem is not from constipation, and it's not from reading macworld (although I have done that from time to time). Instead, my problem is that after I take a normal 2-6 minute poop, I take 24-28 minutes wiping because O MY GOODNESS THERE IS A WHOLE COMPLETE SOFT TURD STUCK UP MY BUTT AND IT WON'T COME OUT. I have done all the straining that will get anything done by this point, but the consistency is so soft that I have to keep reaching and straining and doing weird squats to get the toilet paper all the way up in there. I end up using a half a roll of toilet paper just to get to the point where I can safely put on my underdrawers without messing them. And if I have forgotten to flush before I start wiping, then it's plunger time. And I have to go through this whole rigamarole two, three times a day. It's not painful, so I'm not as bad off as dooce, but gosh it's annoying.
There was a comment way up there about checking the email causing poopage. That's what laptops and wifi were invented for.
328. Patrick said:
Do they have White Castle in Utah? Because that always makes me poop. Although i'm regular to begin with.
329. jansell said:
My dog poops 4x a day, and sometimes he gets me up at 3 am to do so. He eats Iams dog food. Maybe you could try that.
Occasionally, he eats rotten kitchen trash, and that makes him poop even more. Did you know that dogs can't digest the red string that comes around baloney?
330. Jenny said:
Holy SHIT. 300+ comments, all about poop? I can see why you keep the comments off, normally.
331. Complexhash said:
I have the opposite problem.
I can't seem to stop pooping. I go 4 or 5 times on a good day. I have such anxiety over it that I have to go to the bathroom anytime I'm about to step out of the apartment as a pre-emtive measure.
332. Tim said:
Well, aside from Complexhash, this makes 331 people who have time on their hands because they are waiting to be able poop!
333. sweetney said:
i too have had the poopy problems for pretty much the whole of my adult life, as was just recently prescribed Zelnorm, which does seem to be helping quite a bit.
so talk to your doc, i guess. good luck!
334. beautifulmess said:
i used to go for a week at a time without pooping, but about a month ago, i started taking fiber pills from GNC. now, i poop a minimum of 3 times a day - 3 times a day!!!! i'm sure you've probably tried the supplements already, but they're what worked for me.
335. Robert said:
In my completely scientific poop survey of one, the answer for staying regular is way too many carbs. I used to be a more-than-regular pooper (two, three times a day). Of course, I was also a walking gasbag. When I switched to a low-carb diet, the regularly pooping? Not so much.
336. smallfish said:
hey dooce, i bet you didn't realise how much easier you made it to talk about constipation, huh? i was around 20 when my dad decided inform me (in front of my sisters) that my problem was constipation. everything that was wrong with me, it's because i was constipated. and i couldn't argue because he'd pointed out how long i took in the bathroom to support his 'diagnosis'.
dad likes his alternative remedies. so i'm on fibre diet pills and one stomach acid pill as well. much i hate to say this, my dad was right.
337. Roobacka said:
Rabooka, I just had to mention that people call me Roobacka (yes, like Chewy--and then they expect me to make the noise).
Has anyone else ever had the hemrrhoids "banded"?
338. Roobacka said:
Damnit! I always spell hemorrhoids wrong! What's with that word?
339. Stephanie said:
I just got email from a friend who said "Dooce needs 'the blow'". Yes indeedy. Try psyllium husk. Stirred into OJ. It's devine and makes you have the biggest turds EVER. And evacuating in 6 minutes? Try six seconds. It's WOOSH and then you get up and turn around and think OH GOOD GOD! My fiance and I have reported back to each other on our "Jabba The Poos". . . a clear sign that we were meant to be togehter.
However, unlike you I am a 4-a-day pooper. I get concerned if it only happens once per meal.
340. nakedjen said:
a gallon of water a day
aloe juice for breakfast
rainbow light everyday fiber capsules
occasional colon cleanses
a vegetarian diet that includes lots of beans and fruits and roughage
all this makes nakedjen poop 3 times a day in under two minutes.
341. geeko biloba said:
edamame rocks. my twins love it.
a friend of mine is known to react flushingly to Arizona Iced Tea with Ginseng (the translucent blue bottles with finger ridges). Haven't seen it in the stores in a while. Can't say if it was the ginseng or some other ingredient.
342. geeko biloba said:
speaking of the largest turds ever, my wife and I once visited the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto, where they compare the average North American diet to that of some other peoples in another continent. They have plastic poop models showing the tightly packed, dark brownness of the N.A. McDonald's diet vs the three-foot long, light brown, heavy-in-the-fiber, OMGit'slongerthanmyfreakingLEG robopoop.
That visit was 1991... of everything we saw at the R.O.M., I remember that exhibit most vividly.
343. beth said:
For me, all I have to do is walk into a Hallmark store, a bookstore, or a library. I have met at least two other people who will admit to this. We are hypothesize that maybe it's the smell of printing ink? Or paper? Does anyone else out there have an experience like this they would care to share???
344. shy said:
you mentioned that it shouldn't take more then six minutes to poop and therefore, pooping needn't require reading material.
my god. my husband needs 30 minutes and some reading material just to PEE let alone poop! at first, i was very worried about why he takes so long just to pee. but his parents assured me this has just always been the way he's been.
the toilet is his library. whether for pee or for poo.
as for me, reading and pooping do go hand in hand. it's the best incentive for me to tear myself away from reality tv shows and actually read something that doesn't make my mind go to moosh.
sorry i have little advice though to help the pooping-challenged. i do, however, wish you all well in your pooping adventures.
i can't believe that before i wrote this comment, there's already been 343 comments all about poop!
this is the best site in the whole world! love! it!!!
345. mcj said:
Like Beth, I cannot be in a bookstore without feeling a "sudden urge". Don't know why, but Thank God for public restrooms that don't require a key.
Actually, I don't think I'm legally allowed to take part in this discussion, because I have Crohn's Diease, which means a constipated day for me is "only" "going" 5 times or less. If there's any way, though, I will very gladly be some kind of donor in a "poop transplant" for you.
346. Desiree said:
Sadly I'm very regular -- I feel bad admitting that somehow! But I am interested in this "prime pooping position". I also was surprised at the fact that you should be done in no more than 6 minutes! WHAT!! SIX?? I am female (duh, why did I say that?) but I often frequent 15-30 minutes in the bathroom (this is for when I'm at home, though). Go figure.
347. Lisa Fanning said:
My friend from Kingfisher was right - "Want comments? Talk about poop."
I try to eat 5 dried apricots a day, helps a lot!
Lisa from Prospect Hill
348. sab said:
When I need to stay regular I eat these cookies that are made of fiber and milk and only that. When I haven't gone in a few days, I head straight to McDonalds and order me some greay fried foods. Works everytime. Oh and drink more coffee!
349. Autumn said:
I have nothing to say regarding your poopin' problem.. but.. how the heck can you go through 349 comments?
I'd probably delete them all after the first 15 reads!
350. kerys said:
Eat a whole can of chickpeas for lunch. Regularly. See also brown rice, mangoes, dried apricots and lentils. Although most of the time I'd rather be constipated than eat lentils. Red meat, including kittens, probably won't help.
351. lavonne said:
holy crap -- 350 comments! i've got to start checking your site once an hour to beat the crowd. sorry, no advice on staying regular. i've had diarrhea since january, another problem entirely. did you know you can get hemorrhoids from diarrhea too? shit.
352. jan said:
I had the same problem many years ago. I stopped taking birth control pills and things become normal.
353. Olly said:
I don't need to take reading material to the loo, but then I don't view it as some sort of escape from the real world.
My diet is completely crap and inconsistent at that. I still manage to poop just about every single day.
I guess my only real worry is its consistency. I don't like sloppy. It doesn't make for a satisfying poo :-)
354. Christine said:
I can't cure your constipation but your posts always cure my miseries.
Thanks
355. newt said:
Running seems to do it for me. Interestingly, the pooping happens not AFTER the running, but BEFORE (and luckily not DURING). Just the idea of running scares the shit out of me!
356. Scott said:
At night eat way too much dry raisin bran. Eat lots and lots of it. And drink lots of water. The next day you'll have an avalanche of diarrhea. But maybe you don't want an avanlanche of diarrhea. Anyway, it'll clean your bottom system out something fierce.
357. The Mighty Jimbo said:
heh. i think this is the first time in my life i could ever be described as "regular."
personally, i've never had a problem with this department, but i have found that a big bag of baby carrots will really put me on my "A" game.
i have also found that for multi-day hikes/climbs/etc where pooping off the side of a cliff would be incovenient at best, embarassing and dangerous at worst, that a handful of powerbars will take care of the pooping problem for several days.
just don't be too surprised that when you do finally take a shit that you are pushing a giant power bar out your ass - usally in the same shape and cosistency that it entered your body.
possibly the same taste too, but really, i can't verify that.
358. janet said:
it only takes me about 2 minutes to poop. I'm barely in the bathroom longer than when i just pee. I always thought i was weird because i was able to poop so fast while other people spend hours in the john.
You have allowed me to realize that I am normal and I have healthy pooping habits.
359. elle said:
I shared your journal entry with my husband who is now sitting on our futon and gleefully singing, "with a poop-poop-poopy-doop-doop-poop-poop-poopy-doop-doop".
I'm with Janet. I'm in and out. Shit or get off the pot. No point sitting there and getting toilet seat imprint butt. What works for me is green tea. Usually cleans me right out. My problem lately is 'roids. Preparation H is my friend.
360. Reluctant One said:
I have a nasty chest infection and they put me on this new antibiotic "Tequin". It's made me a little too, uh, regular.
Like, stealth poop regular.
I can mail you some if you want to try it out.
My colon is squeaky clean.
361. IHateToast said:
Don't eat kittens. The hair cannot be digested and is probably blocking your colon. Try hairless mammals like the naked mole rat, that weirdass chinese dog breed, or baby guinnea pigs.
And it's good to be blocked. I always think...I may weigh 59 kilos, but at least 3 of those are poos, so i'm really only 56. If it's metric, it must be true.
362. kalisah said:
I have the opposite problem, which I'm sure you could care less about. But since I'm also a recovering Morman from the Memphis area, I think I get a say.
I have IBS and I get horrible, cramping diarrhea abobut 30 minutes after I eat.
I control it, believe it or not, with Metamucil. Daily fiber therapy. It keeps me regular (I POOP at, like 9 a.m. every. single. morning...as long as I drink my thick fiber grapefruit juice by 7).
I have no words to help you. I just really, really wanted to post on your site for the longest.
361 comments??? I am SOOOO in awe.
363. DeAnn said:
I haven't noticed a book store thing. I am going to have to pay closer attention.
I used to have a friend (in high school) who wouldn't poop anywhere but at home. If she went away for a week, she would become very constipated and eventually go, but it made her completely uncomfortable.
364. twitch said:
I have nothing to offer but my random poop thoughts:
1) Was it a bad idea to buy my 2yr old the books "Everyone Poops" and "Breasts" on the same day? She always insists on reading them together, and I am sure that she will be screwed up forever by that association.
2) She also has a poop problem whereby it all comes out mucousy and you can still distinguish what the food was before it went through her, and this happens 3 times a day, It's believed to be Celiac Disease which means soon someone will knock her out and shove a scope down into her bowels, oh the horror!
3) My little baby poops little bunny turds that roll away like stinky black marbles.
4) Anything my husband does in the bathroom takes at least 30 minutes whether it's poop or not.
5) Working in film production makes you poop. Nothing like 16 hours straight with no privacy to make you sneak into the off-limits bathroom when your location is someone's house thereby rendering their master suite toilet inoperable and requiring a $200 visit from handy-rooter, oh the embrassment!
365. Chuck said:
A double dose of Citrucel, every morning, every day. It's not like that Metamucil crap, which tastes like drinking dirt without water. Citrucel tastes nice and orangey.
If you pooped every day, what would you talk about here? Maybe you could feign constipation for your fans. I'm sure that has been done before.
366. pamela said:
several years ago, i took some medication which made me so constipaated i got a bleeding herorrhoid which acts up if i allow myself to get constipated again. i swear by a bowl of post raisin bran every morning for smooth and easy poopage. crazy as it may sound, no other brand works.
367. sarahbeanne said:
I have 2 things to say & if you get to them, you are a patient person.
1. I make brownies from the mix for a 9x9 pan, but instead of eggs, you use a can of pureed black beans. They are fudgy and G-O-O-D. I know it sounds weird, but man, they work. "Homemade Ex-lax" my family calls them.
2. You know those times that you feel like you are going to poop half your body weight? And when you are done you feel 10 pounds lighter? Do you ever weigh yourself before & after just to see what the real difference is? Me neither.
368. woman lover said:
I got flamed for suggesting this when "reconvening the procedure" was discussed. You women ought to consider anal sex. It will help cure constipation. Ask my girlfriend.
And if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. It will help loosen up the passage, exercise the muscles, and help pass the stool.
Don't just flame me. Try it.
369. IHateToast said:
BETH IS RIGHT. My friends and I call it the Border's Method. I think that shopping for books is so relaxing....just wander.... read... wander.... read. Then run like hell to the in-store can! I've talked about this and others admit to it. If anything perhaps some people haven't put 2 and 2 together to get poo, but I think once they ponder it, they will agree.
GET THEE TO A BOOKERY!
370. Susan H. said:
Black licorice at bedtime will facilitate the workings of the bottom system. It has to be black to make you poop, though. None of that red stuff.
371. vio said:
wow, everyone has already mentioned everything i would have suggested..the coffee, the carrots, the bran, etc etc.
what i really want to know is how many people were inspired to go by reading this entry and/or the comments. i bet the number is shocking! someone should take a poll.
dooce, you've started a pooping revolution!! (how ironic, eh?)
oh yeah, and the worst episode i've ever had was when i first moved to italy years ago. nobody ever told me that jetlag can constipate you, and i was young (16), didn't really speak enough italian to explain my problem, and would have been too embarassed to anyway. needless to say, that was a terrible week or two and eventually i had to resort to taking sips of olive oil. TERRIBLE, but effective. now i know enough to just go for the dried fruit.
oh, and patrick- eat a banana a day and that problem should clear right up.
good luck and godspeed to all of you.
372. Leila said:
I'm rather embarrased to write this but when I'm particularly constipated, I put my finger up my other hole a push the poop out manually.
Okay, now my deepest darkest secret is out. But hey, at least I'm aware that being female has some definate perks.
373. aic said:
My mom swears by Uncle Sam's cereal to make her poop - and she's been pregnant eight times. Besides rasin bran, I have found that cod liver oil helps me - my doc reccomended it for something else - but it works like a charm for getting things going - and it comes in mint flavor! And my partner doesn't seem to swear by anything - he definitely has poop troubles - so there is a huge stack of Mac Worlds on our bathroom floor too. Heh, I told him that dooce said that now that we have a baby he should learn to poop faster.
374. Bobbe said:
Leila!!!! #372
I JUST figured that trick out like a week ago, and wondered if anyone else in the whole world had ever done that before. I wonder if it causes horrible damage?
POOP.
375. mainja said:
there's really nothing i can add to this discussion, except, wasn't this just posted yesterday? and you have how many comments already?!? just more proof that we love heather. yay heather. poop or no poop, still, entertaining and full of verve.
376. sepi said:
I don't normally have any trouble, but occasionally I do.
I find moving around a bit is good - swivelling the hips in a circle or rocking from side to side. Also, don't just push down, but every few seconds, actually squeeze upwards very gently. To loosen things up and get them mobile..
377. Jess said:
I heard if you eat a whole bundle of celery and drink tons of water your colon might turn inside out from the mad dash of whatever is in your bowels...
however- I had an incident this week involving some excrutiatingly hot salsa, and I had covered all of my food with insanly hot hot sauce.
Needless to say the next time I went to the bathroom wonderful things happened... and I had time to do a few crosswords puzzles- not from pushing- just from production time alone.
378. RandyRambunctious said:
Good Lord....you ask for advice and you get whole shitload...
376 comments!!
379. marie said:
My constipation problems started when I was 9 and had to have major surgery that kept me out of the 4th grade for about 2 months. Apparently, anesthesia is a big constipator....
Anyway, I have suffered from constipation since then, and, when I was pregnant, it became much worse. I discovered Fleet Brand (no clue on how to make the trademark sign......I'm lame) Baby Glycerine Liquid Suppositories, which aren't regular suppositories. They're "liquid"!, and they work in,like, 5 minutes, max!!! You may have already discovered these; if so, I apologize for unsolicited advice. I just discovered these during my pregnancy and found that they offered me SOOO much relief that I thought I'd pass it on. Please ignore if this is redundant advice!
Happy pooping!
380. heidi said:
As an RN, I have lots on patients who take colace to get the poop going. A suppository also really does wonders...if you don't mind getting one shoved up your bum every so often.
381. Dana said:
Jamaican Blue Mountain coffe.
I spent the first four days in Jamaica in the bathroom. Try it. It works.
382. kadoody said:
I go to the library. Works every time.
383. Kris said:
When I feel the need to help my digestive system along, sometimes a bowl of greens helps (like collards or turnips). Sometimes I will have a big bowl of broccoli, but when the going really gets tough and my body puts up a fight that lasts several days, I resort to other means….
Since you are from the south, you know what okra is.... I'm normally pretty regular but when I have an especially poop-devoid week, I have found that I can spur things along by eating a bowl of steamed okra. NOT STEWED! (YUK!) If you get frozen whole okra and cook in the microwave with just a little water in the bottom of the bowl for 4 minutes it usually perfectly steamed. It is wonderful with butter and lemon pepper or McCormick’s Vegi-Blend on it. The okra will still be crunchy enough, barely slimy (yuk to the stewed okra again), and as near as I can tell, either full of more fiber than a vegi should be allowed to have or full of other special all-natural-poop-inducing chemicals because the next morning I am reliably relieved. (Sometimes I even have to do the cheek clenched dance on the way there.)
Good luck!!!
384. Dana said:
Oh, yeah, and Nexium.
Blue Mountain coffee, Nexium, and a cigarette. You'll be pooping for days. It's wonderful.
And don't give me that "smoking's no good for you." If pooping's wrong, then I don't wanna be right.
385. juli said:
I have a very unhealthy way of staying regular that is based on 'ines. Caffeine and nicotine. One cup of strong java + two cigarettes = a poop evacuation to rival the people fleeing a Florida hurricane. I quit smoking for a short period of time this year. Could not poop to save my life. Ok, so I'll die young and I'll die a horrible cancerous death, but ya know what, I'll die with an empty colon thank you very much.
However, my gf gets stopped up constantly. I am going to feed her a piece of coal next week to see if maybe I can get a new diamond for Christmas...
386. Marjorie said:
On a great day, I would poop at least twice. Sometimes 3 or 4 times was not out of the question and boy did that feel good! Now, I am down to once daily since I got preggers. I thought for sure there would be MORE poop!
387. Yajaira said:
I used to be *so* constipated after I had my 1st baby. I'd "go" maybe once a week. Now with the 2nd, I'm almost regular. I find that Life brand cereal helps everyone in my family. Apple juice helps sometimes. Oh yes, and Taco Bell does the trick all the time ;).
388. shlee said:
All I can say is bravo people, bravo.
I don't particularily pay attention to the frequency of the "evacuations" of my "bottom system" but boy do you notice it when it stops. Makes you feel pretty helpless when something that usually happens like clockwork just... doesn't. I'm a definite advocate for coffee's healing powers, and I've also been told that Coke C2 gets things a movin' and a shakin'.
I wish you all many happy and healthy poops.
389. Yajaira said:
*gasp* I said "go" instead of POOP...I meant poop. *hangs head*
390. fi said:
Hey Dooce,
In New Zealand we have something called KiwiCrush that is available at all supermarkets and is used widely in hospitals for bunged-up patients. There has even been research on it! - albeit for constipated Parkinson's patients: see http://www.otago.ac.nz/humannutrition/dietetics/Summary%20of%20Findings/...
See more about the product here: http://www.naturesspark.co.nz/kiwicrush.htm
Best of all - it is fantastic with vodka.
fi
391. Poopinheimer said:
I haven't tried these, but I've been assured they are the best.
http://www.hbees.com/bowelbuddy.html
Go directly to this link. Do not attempt to Google "bowel buddies" on your own or you'll find yourself on a gay porn site.
Trust me.
Good luck.
392. Tim said:
2 words:
taco bell
393. tempestdelfuego said:
I'm a runner, and that keeps my pooping regularly. There have been times when I've barely made it into the house and to the bathroom. When I don't run, I get clogged. It's non-medicinal and great for the mind.
394. shy said:
comment #372... whoa. um... i don't know what to say. i guess... whatever works? um... whoa.
395. leontine said:
Curry! Especially cheap-o fast-food indian food. Or the curry I make at home, if I am fool enough to have it for two meals in a row. But then I might as well just move into the bathroom.
396. Kristy said:
I've never seen so many comments about POOP.
400. Incredible.
Heather, you are my hero.
Good luck.
397. Poobah said:
Remember: Curt Cobain had horrible stomach issues, but he took the harsh approach to treating them. At the other end of the spectrum, I have had to swear off carbonation and caffiene.
Still, it could be worse, I knew a guy who broke his neck, but fully recovered, except that he was allergic to everything fermented. No bread, no cheese, no beer.
398. henry said:
I finally had to get religious about fiber. I went 1.5 days without pooping recently and came down with a month-long hemhorroid, that I unaffectionately named the Purple Rose of Cairo. I was not sad to see it finally go.
I had been a casual believer in fiber for the past two years or so, drinking a glass of psyllium every night before bed. But this last episode put me over the edge—I actually bought the pre-moistened adult ass-wipes, something that I never, ever thought I could admit to the world (but here I am—you have that effect on people, I’m afraid.).
My every meal now revolves around fiber. Some people count calories, others carbs, I count fiber. The US Government recommends about 20 to 25 grams per day. I figure I eat between 70 and 100 grams of fiber on a typical day. (Why should the Federal Government know how much fiber is good for me?)
I start the day with a cup of coffee and a bowl of what the Ms. calls Colon Blow, which consists half a handful of rolled oats, one-quarter handful flax seeds, one or two of Barbara’s-brand shredded wheat biscuits, about ¼ cup Simply Fiber cereal, a shake or two of Uncle Sam, a couple of shakes of Kashi-brand Grape Nuts, a shake or two of Fiber One and one banana for flavor. This is lubed up with unsweetened vanilla soymilk. Soymilk, as opposed to cow’s milk, has about 4 grams of fiber per ¼ cup. The Colon Blow alone puts me up to about 40 or so grams of fiber.
Lunch usually consists of two refried bean burritos (refried beans, a little cheese, a few shakes of Cholula) on high fiber tortillas that I get at Costco. The tortillas have about 7 grams of fiber each, plus the refried beans, which puts them at around 9 or 10 grams each. Also at lunch I eat an apple, some carrots, and sometimes some celery.
At dinner I don’t eat any bread or pasta and I try to get some salad. The Ms. accuses me of stuffing it in my mouth dry, by the handful. I can’t imagine that this is true, but sometimes I do get a far-away look in my eye…
My nightcap is a glass of water with three heaping tablespoons of Trader Joes brand psyllium (Secrets of the Psyllium), which has about 30 grams of pure, indigestible fiber and no sugar or flavoring. At first it tasted like gritty slugs, and I had to really put on some mind over matter, but now its okay. I am growing fearful, however, that I won’t be able to find any reasonably priced phylum in the land of Deseret (we just moved here from Seattle and my Trader Joes supply is wearing thin). I did spot a 12-ounce sack at the 400 South Wild Oats that I have been meaning to snatch. (I’ll race you there.)
Ever since baptizing my colon with excessive amounts of insoluble fiber, I have been evacuating long, smooth, perfectly shaped logs that shoot out of my ass in about 10 seconds every morning. Everybody needs religion. I worship at the Church of Ass Health, Fiber Scientists.
Your Brother in Constipation,
Henry
www.henrylightcap.com
399. April said:
I'm reading this and watching TV and a Metamucil ad just came on. Heh.
I'm typically a 3-4 times a week pooper, but when I'm extra stopped up Vitamin C really works. Especially Alacer Emergen-C. I drink 2 packets in the morning and whew! I'm pooing like crazy.
I also recently started taking these colon cleanse supplements, and those are helping me go at least once or twice a day. Supposedly you're supposed to be able to phase them out and be regular without them, but that hasn't happened to me yet.
400. hayley said:
#399...let's see if we can break 400!
401. Kris said:
Do you actually get around to reading all of these??? A thought or two came to me after I read ALL of the other suggestions.
My cat (stay with me here) has failing kidneys. Which means they aren’t doing many if any of the jobs they are supposed to do. One of the things they are supposed to do is concentrate his urine and keep water in the blood. They don’t. All the water runs out of him and as a sad side effect, his body pulls as much water out of his bottom system as it can to try to keep it in his dehydrated little body. This makes him a very constipated cat. We have found Lactulose for this. It is a chain of non-digestible sugars that only get digested in the colon. The way it works is naturally occurring bacteria in the colon digest the lactulose and they pull water back into the colon as a byproduct, thus re-loosening the compacted poop.
They do give lactulose to humans for constipation and also for liver failure (since one of the other interesting side effects from it is that the digestion pulls nitrogenous waste out of the blood stream).
OH, just go read about it here so I can quit geeking out. http://www.marvistavet.com/html/body_lactulose.html or
http://www.endowsec.com/pated/lactulose.htm
You can get it by script here, or OTC in Canada (much cheaper online from what I have seen, too.)
It was a thought. I don’t know how much the human dosage would be. It all depends on how you want to approach your own body – Treatment as needed versus daily regimen; 1) Medical science 2) all natural… etc. It is your body and your decision, do what works for you. Good luck!!
402. Amber said:
Whenever I have had a glass of wine, I have to poop...
403. domin8trix said:
my hindu doctor told me to let the poop "fall out of you... like an elephant".
i guess that would mean to poop in under 2 minutes.
404. Heather said:
have you ever tried cutting wheat, rye and oats out of your diet?
my mother and I both suffered horrible constipation (you know how you said your mother used to coach you? ditto) but when we found out we both had food allergies (wheat, rye, oats, milk, yeast) we cut them out and WHAMMO! almost instant poopy regularity.
you probably think that food allergies are a bit.. err... hippie-ish. not my fault! I live in the Australian equivalent of Haight-Ashbury.
well, from one Heather to another, happy pooping!
p.s. I love Leta! give her a huge kersquishle!
405. elizabeth said:
"Eating a meal any further away than a block from my house was premeditated underwear homicide."
and
"I’m not saying I poo every day but at least now there’s just a VW Bug in my ass. One of the old ones, not those sleek new ones. It’s blue and the tires are flat but I like it a lot better than the Buick."
Edie, that is genius.
When I was little I used to hold it forever. I could hold it for days if I had to.
When they took out my gallbladder two years ago, I think they also removed my "advanced warning system" so to say. When I have to go, I HAVE TO GO.
I stay regular by eating. Or not eating. My intestines are so touchy.
POOP!!!
406. Ryan said:
I've become somewhat fascinated with poop since 1) my daughter was born and 2) I started reading this website. After some careful observation and research, I have discovered a few things, thankfully, since I have the early stages of the irregularity that causes my father to drink a "plunger" (sans the vodka) every night before bed, and then visit the facilities at about 3am every night.
Grape-Nuts works for me, especially when it's followed by exercise. I eat a lot of crap, so I like to load up on fiber in the morning, or sometimes eggs, and then I bike to work. About half an hour later, I have to excuse myself to the bathroom. This is also helped along by a 20-oz 7-Eleven coffee mixed half and half with the hot chocolate from the machine (this is my other morning ritual).
On another front (or back, really), after dealing with the stuff that comes out of my daughter's butt, I've started to realize how ineffective wiping with dry paper can be at actually cleaning you up . . . now I almost always use a wet paper towel, and my butt has never felt better (I also don't worry about getting skid marks). I highly recommend it.
And for anyone concerned about buying adult wipes and being embarassed, just buy the unscented kid wipes. As opposed to a bag of depends, they're kind of innocuous, and nobody will look twice at you if you're carrying them.
407. Trace said:
I know a lot of people are not big on sugar free candy (gee, I can't imagine why), but something I had once and ONLY ONCE (big reason why) was sugar free Jelly Belly jelly beans. I don't remember what the sweetener that they use to make them with is, but I believe it has some thing to do with fruit, makes a lot of people go loose and fast.
408. rza said:
i'm one of the regulars. abnormal---i went once or twice a week-----but regularly so. then i got pregnant. i heard all the hateful rumors that described babyfied bowels. and i experienced it once. i didn't care what they said, it was awful. i'm soorrrrry dooce. i went straight for a laxative, held the box up, shook my fist at it and said, "if it don't come, i'm gonna use you!" whammo. instant poop. have never had another issue with my poop. bizzaro poopy fact: i have always pooped like a rabbit; smallish, perfectly round poopy pellets.
my diet: vegetarian, coffee, chai, ciggarettes, edamame.
peace,
---c
409. Kerri said:
I took a well deserved poop, a few hours ago. I had mexican for dinner. But it sure didn't all come out within 2 minutes, more like 15. I had the powerbook in there with me, so I could catch up on blog-reading. lol
POOP!
410. Aimee said:
This is not what you wanted - no advice. However, this is the internet and you always get comments that you don't care about or that are pointless.
Here's mine:
I LOVE edamame too! :)
411. eran said:
Many folks have offered up coffee as a laxative. So do I, but with one caveat - grind it really, really, really fine. As in silt-at-the-bottom-of-the-cup fine. And use one of those re-usable metal mesh coffee filters (they're much more porous than the paper filters). One additional note, however: I have stumbled across a few websites that suggest coffee can actually cause constipation.
412. ellie said:
I think the real reason people stay on the toilet for so long is that their colons are still contracting. I don't get up until I feel like I'm finished, and that takes a while, even if my colon is empty.
Poop.
413. Kaiwa4 said:
Has anyone suggested prunes? I'm too low on the comment scale to verify whether I am just repeating advice and causing more jam on the comment traffic.
In any case someone mailed you a whole book about poop. I have to question your motives about the comments.
You've made 400-something people say "poop" in a 24-hour period. Is the joke on us?
414. Carrie said:
I really wish I had great advice on how you could poop more. Truth be told I poop too much. Sadly no less than 5 times a day ( I am thinking thats not healthy) I am lucky enough to be 26 and have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).I got this "Syndrome" when I was 15. The doctors at that time said its because of stress though I can't even think of what could have been stressing me out at 15. Surely it wasn't getting my drivers ID.
There are tmes I wish I could be like you and not go for a few days. What I wouldn't almost give to go out to dinner and spend the entire evening with my boyfriend and not interupting his conversation to say.. "excuse me I have to go to the girls room".
In reading your site I am semi glad that I dont' have to worry about that. I think if my "poop" suddenly changed after all these years I might cry.
I have been told there are 2 ways to correct my "issue"
1. Surgery to remove some of my colon. I am not fond of this one for many reasons. I don't honestly know anyone who has had this surgery and doesn't potty in a pouch attached to their side. And I don't know that my boyfriend would be happy with me asking him " Honey could you hold onto this for me"
2. Take anti depresants. This one I'm not sure on either. I'm not sure HOW depression and IBS are connected by my doctors seem to think that they go hand in hand together. On top of that I didn't know I was depressed. They told me its chemical depression. I guess its possible.
I guess my 2 ways to fix IBS don't really help you much so I'm gonna stop rambling and let you move onto the next comment.
415. eve said:
Every time I speak to my sister on the phone I need to poop. Every. Time. I don't think it would work for anyone else, but if you really want i'll give you her number and you can give it a try.
Other than that I seem to have an issue with oily, rich foods. Alot of the time after I eat such a meal I have evil pooping incidents that involve crying and prolonged bathroom time and people knocking on the bathroom door to make sure I'm not dying. I've learnt to never eat rich, oily meals when I eat out.
I'm sorry, I'm not much help. My poop has two moods: stubborn and lazy or psychotic and explosive (and I too have a healthy diet and exercise etc.) It's actually not until tonight, reading your post and these comments that I thought there might be a better way to poop. Thanks Heather!
416. YoungStructural said:
Coffee. Then 5 mins. later I shite. Always.
417. YoungStructural said:
My appologies, that should read "then I poop. Always."
418. banky said:
jesus christ, you have 417 comments! I jump for joy when i get comment spam because it means at least the spammers are visitng me!
And all it took was a post about crap. :)
419. Lala Wawa said:
I got down about 200 comments before I gave up.
Raw sweet potato, it tastes kinda soapy but it goes RIGHT through ya!
love you longtime!
420. Andrea of sd said:
I've generally found a couple glasses of alcohol the night before to do it (but generally in an unpleasant way). The type doesn't matter to me, so much as the quantity, though it also explains why I woke up at 5:30 am (not being a morning person) and couldn't get back to sleep. Damn you dark rum and Sprite!!! [shakes fist]
Sereously, though, I didn't even know that people went every day until I moved in with my boyfriend. He goes every day, at the same time. His only complaint now is that his time has mooved from evening to the morning as soon as he gets to work (he's embarrased about pooping in public, something that I, after living in a dorm and sharing a bathroom, don't have a problem with). I've always been an every once in a while kind of girl. My mom and my sister are bran people, but I always have just let my body do its own thing. Of couse, that results in sporadic poopage. I also have the greatest of sympathy for the occasional yet liquid pooper. Mine swings back and forth between liquid (sometimes acidic and painful) and being a hard and spikey rock that makes my bum bleed. Ouch either way.
I find salad helps the pooping (I can usually tell when I haven't had one, anyway). Cat food seems to do it for my cats, but I doubt that's much help for you.
I'd just like to mention that I found your site while doing a Google search for outie bellybuttons.
421. Betsy said:
I'm a pretty lucky pooper, but my baby isn't, and we've tried a lot of things to help him out. An adult-sized Johnny Jump-up would look an awful lot like something Tommy Lee would have in his rumpus room, but, if my little guy is any indication, it'll clean you out in no time flat.
422. Maven said:
1. Have you had an abdominal CAT to see if there is an obstruction or an abnormality in your colon? My sister had a kink in her bowel for YEARS that she was born with, she struggled with constipation for years, and only when her appendix ruptured and they had to open her up did they find the problem.
2. Have you had your blood checked to see if you have too much iron? I know that excessive iron is hard on the system. It's worth a shot finding out what your levels are.
3. Water, fiber, veggies, seems like you're doing ok. I use Metamucil daily (not for laxative but for bulking as I'm on Atkins) and plenty of water. Additionally cod liver oil capsules might help. Drinking licorice/anise tea (health food stores stock it). One side effect of a lot of "low carb" candies is that eating more than one serving usually gives MOST people the trots. Look for anything sweetened with MALITOL, this might help you out. There's a granola (which is quite tastey) called "Cinnamon Nutrageous" I'm not sure what the URL for the company is, however you can get it online if you can't find it locally. You can find that at www.lowcarbluxury.com and go to the shopping links or do a search right there for it. Trust me, your malfunctioning colon will WORSHIP your new found regularity from this granola. Two servings, I betcha poop!!
4. And for that gal who posted re: IBS. My god! We must have been separated at birth. I sat and read your post which rhapsodized having an episode at work. I have endured doctors putting me on Glucophage (I'm not a diabetic--yet) with near-catastrophic, explosive gastric distress. Coughing or sneezing in public was a challenge. People who have not gone thru that just don't get it. And truthfully it's at times like the picture you painted, in the stall, dumping, literally, feeling weak/faint, the cornucopia of smells and sounds, and just the feeling of HELPLESSNESS that your COLON is overriding every other action or impulse, that makes me very glad that God in his/her infinite wisdom did NOT design our bodies with our tastebuds or our noses in close proximity to our "balloon knot." All hail God's innovative design!!! AMEN!
423. Maven said:
Postscript: What a visual which was painted re: the daily edamame consumption. At one point in my life I just about subsisted on pistaschios. I was obsessed. Until Two days into this episode, I was STARTLED to discover that my very own poop had taken on hue which made me wonder if I had been abducted by aliens... Now I'm wondering if when you do poop, if it's Martian green. Inquiring minds want to know!
424. Andrea of sd said:
I'd also like to announce that twice in my life I've pooped green for a week or so for no apparent reason. Vividly green. I've always wanted to tell people about that, but no one around me likes to talk poop.
425. Laurie said:
I have been blessed from both of my parents for being pretty regular. My mom will actually call me when she takes a monster poop. I used to get upset about this and she would say "this is what all mother's and daughter's are supposed to talk about"
I can't wait to have kids. :)
That said, I find I have to go more often after a soda/coffee (caffene is a natural dieurtic) or the infamous morning after "cheap beer shits". Which I didn't know existed until my boyfriend pointed it out.
Maybe this means you should slam back a bunch of miller lights or "the beast" before heading to bed. :)
426. Andrea of sd said:
For the lady who mentioned the low pooping death rate: My EMT instuctor liked to tell us about the "shit of death". This is where (generally an old person) will be on the toilet and pushing really hard. The high pressure in their chest puts pressure on the vagus nerve, which depressed their heart rate. If they have any heart issues, the drastically reduced heart rate can set of a heart attack or arrythmia, and they die right there of their toilet. Hence the name, "shit of death". It happens.
427. liz said:
my dad said eat stuff like papaya and mango, and u will for sure poopy, my mom said that eating one seed from the papaya will absolutely make you poopy
428. Nicole said:
I just have to comment on the edamame- I went on a binge where I ate them in mass quanities for an entire week. I lost 5 pounds and have never been more regular in my life. However, the smell of my poop and pee? Well, you've got to know now. Just like those little soy beans! Eeeew!
429. Andrea of sd said:
Moxie: My boyfriend laughs at me because I have to pee the instant I get home. Sometimes he turns the key in the lock extra slow just to be mean.
430. Amy S said:
I am not totally regular but I get really worried after 3 days. I don't do anything in particular, just wait till by ass says OK lets go!! Then I read My Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader by The Bathroom Institute. Work everytime for me.
431. claire said:
Used to be, when I would get a blockage, a Whopper Jr. would do it, it was my foolproof medicine. Probably the grease and pre-chewed meat product would bathe things good and help them move along. Lately, though, we're off the bad fats. A friend recently turned me on to probiotics, which is my new Whopper Jr. Dannon markets this thing called DanActive, it's the greatest, but only one store in our area carries it and they're always out of the orange flavor.
432. 0xCC said:
I am yet another over-regular pooper. I usually poop at least once a day, occasionally two or three times a day and maybe once every month or so I will go 36-48 hours between poops. I find I poop less often when I don't have the oatmeal in the morning which is what I have for breakfast 80% of the time. I also eat about a cup and a half of raw veggies (usually carrots, peppers and maybe some broccoli) at lunch 5 days a week. I also often have the clenched-cheeked run to the bathroom.
Please don't hate me because I poop. (Did I use 'poop' enough?)
433. Beth in Michigan said:
I have suffered from poop problems through the years, constipation all through my teens... and post partum, fissures, anal fistula, hemmorhoids rectocele and cystocele post babies... which required surgery. I was mainly plagued with diarrhea while pregnant, but then was horribly constipated after the babies were born and all through the breast feeding. I am now 50 (yesterday was my birthday)and I have two adult daughters. One inherited her dad's regularity and blase attitude toward pooping and the other has had a chronic anal fistula and crohn's disease. Both she and her hubby battle w/ constipation. She is 5 months pregnant with a female child... and her crohn's seems improved along with her regularity. I think the hormone changes of maternity assist in regular poopage. On the other hand the pelvic floor stretching of childbirth and chronic constipation cause a loss of muscle tone in the area and all the kegels in the world didn't help me... I ended up with a rectocele, (a ballooning of the rectum in the last few inches of the bowel tract)where a mass of poop would accumulate creating an impassible brick at the end of the line. Eating fibre, drinking water, stool softeners, didn't help much because of the structural blow out. Metamucil made the problem MUCH WORSE! The brick became a cement block. For a while it helped to apply counter pressure with my hand to the perineum during a pooping session in order to support and assist evacuation. I could hardly ever completely empty my bowel and sometimes the poop would get stuck... you know the feeling. It finally got so bad I had surgery to correct the problem. I'm as fixed as I can be... much better, but I still have to apply firm counter pressure to completely empty the lower bowel every time I poop, and will have to for the rest of my life. As I have gotten older I have become a daily, morning pooper and have the 2 minute appointment you describe. I chalk it up to a better rhythm of life. I get up before the household does and immediately, drink a hot beverage right away which kick starts peristalsis. Usually I poop during my first waking hour. If I get the urge, I honor it, because postponing it just makes it harder to pass later. Then I exercise for 40 min, and follow with a high fibre breakfast. Sometimes I have to poop again after exercise or breakfast. Bonus bingo! My suggestion is to try a hot beverage on arising, if you can get up before the joint starts jumping you might get to poop before Leta starts needing your attention, get checked by your gyn for a rectocele, use the counterpressure if it helps. Sounds like you're doing everything else you can.
You are hilarious and I LOVE your site! Beth
434. cristina said:
i am amazed that over 400 comments are about poop. you should get an award or something.
i myself am more concerned with the lack of warning or preparation i get when it comes to the moment i need to go. i mean, if i'm not in the bathroom a minute after i suddenly realize it's time to go, it suddenly goes from "hey it's time to poo" to "DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!" i wish there was a way to *slow* it down, or at least be given a little time to wait for the next person to get out of the bathroom. i won't say what i've had to do when someone was hogging it taking a shower.
435. Rita said:
Talk to your mom on the telephone. Whenever mine calls at work, I immediately feel the urge to go. It is infallible. And she knows about it. This is serious, no joke.
I guess Freud explains... Try that with Leta.
436. Rita said:
I'm so bad at following rules, so there you go: POOP!
437. steph said:
I can't believe i've spent three hours reading comments about poop.
oh, and i totally hear you when it comes to pooping in a comfortable spot. when i was in college and had to use the communal bathrooms i couldn't poop for like a month straight, and then when my body finally decided it had had enough with the bullshit, my head would only let me go late at night when everyone else was asleep.
438. ani said:
I have suffered from constipation since high school. I am 29 now. It actually runs(ha ha I wish) on my mom's side of the family. I was hospitlized for a weekend because I stopped pooping for a month. So now I have to drink atleast 8 glass of water a day, a high fiber diet and be on medicine the rest of my life(Lactulose). Thank goodness it has worked because I have thankfully pooped just about every day. I hope you finding something that works for you that does the same.
439. Carolyn J. said:
My own problems cleared up a bit after getting off The Pill (and switching to an IUD). Also, I take those lovely new Metamucil pills on a daily basis instead of choking down the horrible powder.
440. sympathy said:
Oh, I feel your pain. I was forced to drop out of school 5 years ago, it had gotten so bad. Anyway, what has worked for me:
1. accupuncture- it worked wonders. most of the points are in your lower legs, so between sessions, have your husband massage your calves (specificlly those points). I assume SLC has at least one practitioner.
2. Reduce stress. Easier said than done. Afer quitting my crappy job, I was able to poop much more often. You will poop more often after Leta graduates from college.
3. Health food store non-stimulant laxatives on the first night of a missed poop. The stimulant ones will make you wish you were dead. Or at least vaguely remind you of child birth.
Good luck.
441. erika said:
To stay regular-for I too suffer from not pooping-I eat bagels/toast for breakfast with coffee and usually a pasta/veggie/stirfry dinner-If I dont run....or exercise or have 4 cups of coffee I wont poop
So I totally understand...
Bran helped me for a while and then it went away-now the bran will not work.
442. babs said:
Constipation isn't my problem, but my sisters have all suffered agonies with it. My SoCal sister swears by acupunture now too. Another one swears by two cups of coffee while eating a pancake.
443. 80 said:
This is utterly amazing. I could never have imagined there were so many possibilities surrounding poop habits. Or that people who read blogs would be so eager to share their stories. Or that a non-political personal website could get this much traffic.
I am stunned. In a good way.
btw, I poop fine, once or twice a day and have no advice.
Good luck.
444. Maria said:
I am so shocked by how many comments there are here that I totally forgot what I was going to say.
Oh, yeah, um, I don't poop everyday, but almost everyday. I smoke lots of cigarettes, drink a bunch of coffee, have at least one beer or one glass of wine every single day (there's nothing like drinking too much to really make you crap your brains out the next day). But since I don't imagine you resorting to my destructive methods, I would say: I have no idea. I just go when I need to. I have experienced constipation probably less than ten times in my entire life. My babysitter when I was a kid helped me through it one time. She stood outside of the bathroom door and instructed me to wrap my forearms tight around my stomach, lean forward onto my lap and relax completely, breathing normally. When I sat back up, it was like magic! Wow, was that ever a relief. I had felt like there was a turtle poking its head out for like, 3 days.
I am sure that this little story did not assist you, but I am sure glad I've told you about it, because I think just about anyone else would ban my IP address if I left this little turd in their comment section. ;o)
Love your stuff lady. Poop or no poop.
445. Laurie said:
I thought I was the only one who was ALWAYS constipated.
I'm off to buy some Raisin Bran.
LOVE ur site!
446. lavonne said:
i'm surprised no one has mentioned colonics or enemas yet. i have several friends who swear by them for other reasons than constipation, but it makes sense that a good housecleaning couldn't hurt now and then.
also -- food allergies could be the root of your problem. try giving up dairy and gluten for a week and see what happens.
poop!
447. Anne said:
You poople are amazing. I can't believe the epidemic of constipation apparently plaguing multiple nations.
I going to email Oprah straightaway and suggest this as a show topic.
Utterly fascinating. Really.
448. Colleen said:
A big ole box of bran Chex cereal does the trick!
449. sampson said:
Ever since I had my gallbladder out last year my poop is either an infrequent mass of marbles or urgent runs that I can't control. Add the cluter of grapes that is my bottom full of 'roids, what a mess! Unless I am careful about food sensitivites and then it's happy pooping!
I have heard that IBS is code for the doctor saying "I Be Stumped", and my husband had a Crohn's diagnosis which is kinda similar. But he is an atypical case and symptom-free for 5 years. I stole his wallet card that say "I can't wait!" that you are supposed to use to cut ahead of people in public restrooms. I haven't used it yet.
My poop advice: you can get used to it but it's not necessarily normal, get checked out for Celiac, allergies, bowel abnormalities...
450. babe said:
my husband is so regular it pisses me off. he is a pro cyclist and his morning routine consits of waking up, putting on his cycling gear and then waiting a bit until the poo comes out. once its out he heads out on his ride for the day. there is one place that we go mountaing biking that as soon as we get there it makes me have to poo, i think its because its uncomfortable to mtn bike full of poo, but its only that one place that it happens. when we first started dating i visited my husband in arizona while he was there for winter training. the house he stayed in had very a very finiky toilet. he would do his normal routine and head out on his ride, then i would get up and eventually have to poo, but because i was second, that damn toilet wouldn't flush, so mine always had to sit there for a few hours until the toilet felt like flushing. one last poo comment - when i was pregnant i was so constipated that one time as soon as the turd finally came out, i felt the vibrations from it hitting the bowl.
451. KTP said:
I read a lot of these comments yesterday and last night I totally had a bad dream about doctors inspecting my poop. Yuck.
452. Dave said:
Try a bowl of Pho, a Vietnamese soup. Pho always inspires a "Clench-Cheeked Sprint to the bathroom" for me.
Otherwise, two cups of coffee by 9am, poop by 10.
453. Jaia said:
I'm a total dork for saying this, but not every one of these comments DOES include the word "poop."
I tell ya, some people....
454. Laura said:
I'm another Zelnorm success story. I was on that stuff for two months, and it worked like a charm. Now, I eat 3/4 cup of Fiber One mixed with 4-6 oz of yogurt for breakfast every morning, and it works well, too. I'll never get over the novelty of a regular poop every day, though. ~grin~
455. Michelle said:
Well I am guilty of adding to your advice e-mail mountain. (I added pics of my kids to soften
the blow...)
but here it is again: CHIROPRACTOR,for you for Leta,heck Jon and Chuck too!It fixes 89% of my family's problems.
456. djmofo said:
what worked for me was:
working for a shitty company
working with shitty people
having shitty anxiety
having shitty depression
for some reason, i shitted (shat?) a LOT back then.
poop well and prosper
457. coolbeans said:
This is a poopload of comments.
When I was pregnant, a bowl of popcorn every night kept things moving. With butter. And salt. In the big bowl. With root beer.
458. Maria said:
This oughta teach you to ever open up your comments section. Damn girl, if you can write about poop and get this many responses, I'd hate to see what would happen if you started writing about politics!
I just have this image of you trying all these suggestions; drinking prune juice, taking vitamin C, eating all the crazy things that people have suggested, and ending up beneath an avalanche of your own shit. Hahahaa. I'm sorry. That wasn't funny.
459. Maria said:
This oughta teach you to ever open up your comments section. Damn girl, if you can write about poop and get this many responses, I'd hate to see what would happen if you started writing about politics!
I just have this image of you trying all these suggestions; drinking prune juice, taking vitamin C, eating all the crazy things that people have suggested, and ending up beneath an avalanche of your own shit. Hahahaa. I'm sorry. That wasn't funny.
Honestly though, these comments have had me going from laughing my ass off to rolling my eyes until it hurts. Some of these are hilarious. "Canuck" Canadians are all regular poopers. HAHAHAHA! "Sarcastic Journalist" with the pencil? HAHAHAA! "Oh Dear" with the grave advice about going twice a day. shuddup.
460. nance said:
You almost get as many comments as Zach Braff gets on his blog. And he wrote/directied/acted in a movie. that is freakishly COOL.
poop.
i eat weird things so many that's why i poop regularly.
461. Thel said:
Hm, after 460 comments has nobody mentioned the incredible poop-moving powers of garlic?
There is a pizza place here in Seattle called Pagliacci's. And they make an Agog Primo pizza with mushrooms, goat cheese, tomatoes, kalamata olives, and roasted garlic cloves. Oh, the yummy roasted garlic cloves, which I can no longer eat on this pizza because of the incredibly noxious gas they cause the next day. But they do keep the poop moving, that's for sure.
I'm not sure trading constipation for noxious gas would be all that enticing, but hey--your body, your choice.
I sincerely hope one of these almost-500 comments has something helpful for you, dooce.
462. Kate said:
I drink 16oz of coffee everyday on my way to work. By the time I get to my desk and log into my computer, I have to poop. (yes, I poop at work, saves me money on toilet paper).
It may increase my chances of Osteoperosis, but I get to wake up and poop!
463. Lena said:
Oh, how I love to talk about poop, but the only thing I love talking about more is edamame!!!!! I eat it every day pretty much obsessively. I'll eat a whole bag without even flinching. I'm so glad others are as addicted.
464. jane d'oh said:
Unfortunately, I have to side with the people who say it's an individual thing. I am rather like an old car that hasn't been well-maintained when it comes to pooping: I either can't go or I can't stop.
I don't know if anyone has mentioned this yet (because GOOD LORD, 400+ comments?!), but the one thing that always got things moving for me (far too quickly, IMHO) was the MSG at the Chinese restaurant I frequented in college. To this day, my husband and I call my suddent sprints to the bathroom "the Pine Yard effect."
FWIW, my daughter goes every few days, stays in there for a LONG time, and then comes out to announce the toilet is plugged - AGAIN. I think this is partly due to heredity and partly due to the fact that she's a rather intense kid.
LOVE your blog! Eat a kitty for me (I hear Siamese are particularly tasty).
465. Loretta said:
A good curry works wonders.
Dried apricots, prunes.
Also, horrible childhood memories of mum threatening (and actually doing it) to insert supposotories if I didn't go every 24 hours.
What's wrong with reading on the loo? It's the only place I get any privacy.
466. rahrah said:
i poop twice a day, in the morning before my shower, and in the late afternoon after returning home from my sit-down government job... my housemates do not like my taking over of the lav, but i have a stash of old home beautiful-type magazines rather than take my book... though my female housemate takes recipe books in with her... an absolutely repellant behaviour... and the other housemate, a male, takes the house phone in and chats: which means i have to steal alcohol wipes from my sit-down government job to wipe the phone over after he finishes...
467. kayla said:
Constipation is not something I have ever experienced, alas.
However, I can tell you how to get a constipated toddler to poop.
Wrestle him into a swim diaper that is one size too small, then a hand-me-down bathing suit, also too small.
Gather up 437 items that you can't go without for an hour at the swimming pool.
Strap your struggling toddler ("me walk pool!!!") into the stroller, and walk the quarter mile to the pool.
Force his arms into a slightly-too-small swim ring. Carry him into the pool.
Wait five minutes.
Voila! Poop.
468. Annie said:
If Jon's once-every-24-hour poop amazes you, you'd be shocked at my at-least-three-times-daily routine. My only way to explain it is that I eat a vegetarian diet. For about 9 years I did the pasta, bread, Doritos vegetarian diet, but recently I switched to one in which I eat a pound of raw vegetables (basically a big salad) and a pound of cooked vegetables (2 big mounds of broccoli and spinach or whatever at dinner) a day. If that doesn't make you poop, I don't know what would. Not only do I poop, but I poop GREEN (which is exactly what my nutritionist says I should be doing). Thanks for providing a place to tell my poop story.
469. James said:
1) I poop in about 10 minutes.
2) I'm male. HAH!!
3) I don't have MacWorld in the bathroom, I have Concrete Wave and Skateboarder magazine.
4) The reason you got 400+ comments for this post is that we all have something in common; we all crap.
470. Danielle from Avon said:
As a lifetime constipatee, I totally sympathize and plan to try the edamame. Apricots often do the trick for me but they give me nasty gas. I started taking fiber pills lately. It remains to be seen if they work. Apples work ok but not if I'm too backed up.
471. Irena said:
I recommend an herb called Triphala, which you should be able to find in any health food store. It's the most popular Ayurvedic herb used in India. It supposedly has other benefits, such as purifying the blood, detoxifying the liver, and helping digestion and assimilation. All in all, it's a great tonic for the entire gastrointenstinal system.
My yoga teacher also recommends the following exercise be performed on a regular basis: squat and essentially perform Kegel exercises, but with your bottom system orifice.
472. charis said:
just a zelnorm warning...
my doctor put me on it for my IBS w/ constipation and it definitely loosened things up...way up...
i perfected the Clenched Cheek Slow Walk (so that co-workers would not raise eyebrows)but after i actually didnt make it to the loo one time i had had enough. i pretended my tears of embarrassment were caused by a migraine of epic proportions,then went home and burned the rest of my prescription while dancing around it in the nude.
that being said, try it if you like, it may work for you, but be aware that hershey squirts and projectile diarrhea may be the price you pay!
473. Jennifer said:
I always had the opposite problem, I used to poop up to 4 times a day when I was stressed out. That was until 9/11. I lost my home, my studio, my sense of security, my mind and my amazing ability to poop. I would go many many days with out a single poop. I was breaking out from it and had dark circles under my eyes and lower back pains became a regular feeling. This went on for 2 years and it was ruining me. I tried everything and then with the advice of a friend, I finally went to an Acupuncturist (something I had never quite understood and did not care to understand).
He told me that I couldn't poop because I lost everything and my body didn't want to give anything else away... not even poop. I thought it was a far stretch... not pooping because I'm sad... but he was right on the money! Rather than trying to "fix" a single problem, Acupuncture treats the body as a whole entity. So he didn't tackle the poop problem directly. Instead he went to the root of the problem and treated me for a number of stress and security issues and taught me relaxation techniques to get my body back in balance. I was put on herbal treatments and it totally helped me. It's still a struggle, but I learned that your digestive track is completely connected to your mental and emotional state. When I get constipated I do nightly relaxation techniques and tell my self "everything is going to be OK, you can let go of things. It's all going to be OK" while doing breathing exercises. I know it sounds flakey... but I recommend going to a GOOD and CREDIBLE Acupuncturist and taking an Aloe Vera supplement. Hay you have nothing to loose, that's what I told myself and it worked. Good luck!
474. rob said:
I'm usually a 2 a day type dude. I like to read gaming mags in the loo and sometimes Men's Health for a bunch of health tips that I ignore.
However, when I travel, I go 5-7 days at a time before I poo. Then, after I break the seal (so to speak), I have to poo every time I take a leak. I'll start pissing, thinking it's just a number one, crack a fart and have to pinch it off to get turned around in time to explode in the bowl. Then I come home and it takes a couple days to get back to normal.
This one time, I drank an entire family sized bottle of Pepto on a dare and didn't poo for a week. When I did, it was a foul-smelling pink brick. Think about that next time you unwrap a piece of Hubba Bubba.
475. log-cabin-it said:
i can't believe i just read all this poo chat, felt one coming on, ran out to the outhouse and couldn't do it.
this is a problem for me, but it's a fine line between having a poo and having too much. i can't seem to down coffee and dried plums when i know it's an outhouse i'm dealing with.
i would rather go poo-less than squirty.
476. Sascha said:
All these comments about poop and no one's mentioned the Poopie List? What's up with that?!
Alright, here you go...
* * * * * * *
"The Poopie List"
Ghost Poopie -- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie -- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie -- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie -- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie -- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie -- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie -- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie -- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie -- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie -- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie -- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie -- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie -- It smells so bad, your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie -- The kind of poopie that doesn't smell.
The Surprise Poopie -- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but OOPS! -- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie -- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
* * * * * *
Love your site, Heather! Keep on Pooping!
477. Bryan said:
I poop everyday, sometimes at the same hour in the early evening. But I'm also very sad and lonely. I guess I have something to be thankfull for.
478. disgusted said:
Sorry, but I hate seeing women discuss their bowel movement patterns so publically. I grew up believing that girls don't poop.
I just don't think Heather ought to discuss her bowels out in the open. It's just not lady-like.
479. Jaia said:
Surely no blog-savvy person would dare use the word "ladylike" without knowing the flames that will follow?
I'm not taking the bait.
480. amy said:
Please, someone tell me what edamame is??
481. alyssa said:
too all the colitis gals: there are two kinds. the kind that makes you poop and lose weight (not the kind i have), and the kind that makes you constipated and fat. yup, that's the one i have. luckily, some of the ever-so-lovely colitis meds help, but nothing keeps me as regular as i was when i was a full-time smoker... sigh.
482. alyssa said:
oh, and PS. don't believe the words on the laxative package that say, "gentle, overnight relief." it's anything but gentle, i'll tell you that much.
483. donna doo said:
Smooth Move Tea (check the health food store) has always worked for me in an emergency--the days and days of no poops. Drink a strong cup before bed and then clear your calendar for the next morning. Sometimes the accompanying cramps are killers, but worth the clean out! Hope you poop.
484. rob said:
Edamame is a soy bean. Here's the description from edamame.com:
Edamame is a green vegetable soy bean, harvested at the peak of ripening just right before it reaches the hardened time. The word edamame means "Beans on Branches', grows in cluster on bush branched. To retains the freshness and natural flavor, it is parboiled and quick frozen. In the east asia soy bean has been used over two thousand yaers as a major protein food. Edamame is consumed as a snack, as a vegetable, an addition to soups or process into sweets. As a snack, the pods are lightly boiled in salted water then the seeds are pushed directly from the pods into the mouth with the fingers.
I'm okay with most anything but soy "milk." It's not milk, it's juice. And I can't stand to drink it because all I can think is that there's this juice in a bean that tastes like this. Then I think about chocolate soy juice and vanilla soy juice and I throw up in my mouth a little.
485. Kevin said:
If I don't get my 4 glasses of water, then I'm not gonna poop, and nothin' I do is gonna make me. If I don't get my 8 glasses, then I'm gonna have anus-rippage.
Oh, and traveling seems to make everything stop up, with no anus-rippage, no stopping up of the toilet, no nuthin! .oO{Maybe I should travel more.}
486. Jason said:
jeez... 485 comments?! i wonder how many people write tot eh new york times in a two-day period?
anyhoo: my problem is, at the ripe young age of 24, i seem to have the bowel movements of a man twice my age. i would describe the net effect, but even the internet is not ready for graphic descriptions of a 48-year-old man's poop. suffice to say that i spend more time "cleaning up" than waiting for something eventful to happen. cheers.
487. marta said:
Drink 1-2 glasses of water with an empty belly (before breakfast). Wait a bit before having breakfast.
Not sure if any of the previous +400 comments already said this...
488. Jamie said:
Have you ever heard of salt water flushes and senna tea? Check out www.curezone.com. Tons of homepathic remedies that are far more gentle that most laxatives, and more predictable too! Personally, a salt water flush every few days is an quick fix for ne :)
489. Kat, Feline One said:
It's not just men that have the magazine-long poo. My girlfriend (it takes forever, she's American) has it too, but then as we've agreed that I'm too prim to ever poo (it's quick, I'm English) I guess we cancel each other out too. I wonder if that happens in every relationship?
Anyway...my only advice would be to lay off the large intakes of water at a single sitting (think a bottle chugged down in a couple of minutes or a large glass swallowed quickly) because the swift intake of anything creates pressure on your lower system, hence the need to release to little or no effect. Sip your water, don't drown in it.
Also, caffeine creates bloating when combined with a lot of vitamin supplements and painkillers (and many weight loss drugs) which also pushes down on your system.
I know that this isn't really related to constipation, but it could help how you feel a little?
490. Erin said:
I try and eat a salad everyday. This seems to help things along. I sometimes (all I do really), is the salad in a bag thing with whatever I'm eating. Roughage...seems to help produce something other than gas.
491. Christiane said:
Nuts, nuts, nuts. Eat lots of nuts. Seriously, all that fiber helps move things along. As a sufferer of IBS and constipation (it once went 14 days with nary a sign of poop) I found that eating a portion of nuts (the peanut and cashew variety, sicka$$) will help the poop train leave the station.
Best of luck to ya!
492. Karry said:
Acidophilus pills.
493. Karry said:
oops - forgot to say poop.
No poop or too much poop = need more acidophilus. I take it in pill form.
494. Diane said:
Hey Dooce, love your blog. I read it all of the time. I, like you, am not a regular pooper. I go about every two days...it has always been this way.
MacDonalds is a sure way to beat constipation though, pure colon blow!
495. Stephen McKenna said:
I think there has to be something psychological about constipation. Like there has to be a mental trigor durring a daily event that tells you it's time to poop. For instance, I poop fairly regularly after work, but I usually have a problem over the weekend, especially when we travel.
I also have mental triggors in places. If I were to go to a library right now, no matter how constipated, I would be in the crapper with raging diarrhea in minutes.
There really should be poop psychologists.
496. Michael said:
After my surgery for rectal cancer, I was a modern marvel--20 times a day for the first year. Then came the bowel radiation and eight hours at a time on the toilet. Now it's down to two or three times a day, a frequency I consider a blessing. Be careful what you wish for!
497. KS said:
Just had to say that I find it priceless that someone told you to reconvene in the other point of entry in order to get things moving. Poop. And I find it unbelieveable that someone actually said women discussing this is unladylike. Poop. Are you for real? Poop.
(It's like a Western Union!)
498. Jean said:
I gotta agree with San Diego gal - drink wine - lots of it and make sure it's "cheap" wine. If this doesn't work well for you, maybe after drinking all that cheap wine you won't care if you ever poop, right? Good luck (hic)!
499. seanarthur said:
I have pooped solid for three months. any advice on staying irregular.
500. domino said:
I don't understand why anyone would suggest reconvening the procedure via the back door, when you can get Microlet enemas from the chemists that'll do the same job without the embarrassment or unpleasantness (cos if it's not your thing, it's just not your thing)
I picked up some Aloe colon cleanse tablets the other day. Doubled the dose, and I still can't poop.
501. Sue said:
500 comments? Wow! I'm gonna have to read them for advice. Okay, here's my 2 cents: I have IBS with constipation and when my doctor "prescribed" metamucil I became so bloated and irregular that I missed 2 weeks of work. Yuck. So, I cruised the web and discovered that metamucil is very, very bad for folks with constipation combined with bloating and gas. Citracel was recommended and it is a HUGE improvement. A yoga routine designed to target IBS or stomach "issues" like colitis can work, too, along with regular cardio exercise. I'm still not always regular, but I'm sure not doubled over in pain and calling in sick while using the excuse "explosive and uncontrollable gas."
Here's a web site about IBS that has some good tips for the bottom system, in general. I don't believe everything this woman has to say, but instead I pick and choose and try some of her suggestions. Good luck, and happy pooping!
http://www.helpforibs.com/
502. steph said:
Apples and/or whole grain wheat bread. Guaranteed. Also, Indian food works very well, but be warned - it makes for stinky poo.
503. boo said:
i was in college when WOW chips came out, and my landlady Alice (good ol' southern woman) was telling me how wonderful they were. so i sat down and ate half a bag and within 10 mn was pooping violently in the bathroom. i've never eaten them since. not sure if they still even make them. but that's a surefire way to get the poop out, although i wouldnt recommend it. i usually just drink coffee, although a good night out drinking tons of beer makes me poop like nobody's business the next morning.
504. type a said:
my guess? one of the 503 who have come before me has probably suggested caffeine already. but, coffee. every morning. like clockwork.
and the wow chips. yes.
505. not-that-Andrea said:
I couldn't read all 500+ comments, but in case no one else said it, you should be eating the LARGER kittens rather than the small kittens - much higher fiber content. Honestly.
506. buick said:
Reading while pooping is the best part of my day. No one can disturb me, no one can complain. "I'm pooping!" is the only response ever needed.
Everyone knows this pleasure at a subconcious level which is why everyone takes longer then 2 minutes to poop.
507. rothbeastie said:
I have found relief from what I call "disgruntled colon" by drinking Evian. Not other bottled waters, just Evian. I can't explain it. I decided it is that trace bit of magnesium, but who knows. It works like magic. Hope this helps. Also, I once ate an entire bag of WOW chips and nothing happened. I bought it specifically because the bag said, and I quote,"May cause anal leakage," and how can you resist that? So I got a bag and a roll of toilet paper and waited for the excitement to begin and nothing happened, which I consider false advertising. So WOW chips don't work on everyone.
508. boo said:
aw i'm sorry about your WOW chips experience. i swear though, i had assplosions from hell, and assplosions aren't exactly the best thing ever. it's one thing to poop nicely and solidly, and it's a whole other thing to be having to clean out your toilet every 10 mn cos of an assplosion gone wrong.
do they still make WOW chips?
509. j-ster said:
This is the most number of comments i have ever seen on a site, i laughed myself silly! Im a once every two or three days kinda girl myself, but my housemate is a two or three times a day kinda girl, and is horrified by me. Please remember folks, normal is a very w_i_d_e range. f
Oh, and if you ever have the problem where you wanna stop pooping but you cant, (and you're not seriously ill in which case its way better to let it out) a teaspoonful of nutmeg stirred into hot milk will do the trick. Definitely only one spoonful tho, you dont wanna be backed up all week, trust me!
510. debutaunt said:
Oatmeal. Nature's broom.
511. thatgirl said:
Having been regular all my life, once I hit 25, my system started to go haywire. I went from being able to anything and everything to becoming mildly lactose intolerant - so in the morning, I'd eat a huge bowl of cereal and then I'd be good to go. Now I'm 27 and it seems like my body has an adversion to pooping in my boyfriend's immaculate bathroom. (I've never met a man before who got delirously happy at finding a clean bathroom at McDonald's) Anyways, I only seem to get the urge to go at work. So god help me on long weekends!
Meanwhile, my boyfriend LOVES to poop and only yesterday asked us at the dinner table whether we LOVE to poop or if it's just something you've got to do.
512. bigbigtruck said:
Just posting to say "poop".
Hee hee, poop.
513. debmjax said:
Man.....
Now I have to think of some kind of explaination for the missing HOURS I've spent reading about poop.......maybe ALIENS???
514. Gary said:
This is how I do it:
http://www.zefrank.com/vacuum/fla.swf
Click on the one that says "Poop" mkay?
515. lavonne said:
dooce, you could totally turn this one thread of comments into a book and sell it on your site. really.
poop.
516. Kent Wenger said:
I have to say that I object to your sexist comment that you've never known a male who could poop in under 30 minutes. :-)
So, in the interest of science, I decided to time the procedure. It just took me four minutes and 25 seconds, counting walking to and from my office. Now this may be a little quicker than normal, since I was obviously thinking about it, but I'd say it's pretty close to my average time.
517. Leah said:
Definitely browsing in bookstores. Also libraries. But I hate public bathrooms so that's a problem. Someday I am going to have a house where every wall is covered with bookshelves and the bathroom is cleaned everyday (not by me).
518. debutaunt said:
Oh. Sorry. Forgot to use "poop" in my above comment.
From M-W online (wow. it was the fifth entry)
Main Entry: 5 poop
Function: noun
Etymology: poop, v., to defecate, break wind, from Middle English poupen to make a gulping sound; of imitative origin
: EXCREMENT
519. Bob SF said:
"I never knew I was constipated until I was about 22; I just thought I was in a bad mood. " from the third comment had me rolling on the floor, as did "Clench-Cheeked Sprint" to the bathroom.
520. Nathan Logan said:
RE: eating small kittens for lunch.
In case your supply runs out, I recommend this site, for excellent product and service:
http://www.petsorfood.com/
;)
BTW, this is a ridiculous number of comments...
521. Cloudy said:
I am sorry, but I do not have any advice about pooping, because I am lucky to never have really had any trouble in that area. I am posting a comment, because I am never usually quick enough to post a comment before you shut down the comments again. Love you, Dooce!
522. coolincanada said:
Hi!
I realize you have more than enough advice on this topic, and honestly I haven't read all of the comments (in case this is a repeat) but I really simple way to solve the 'butt rocks' is Kellogg’s® All-Bran® Bran Buds. I don't work for them, but my doctor recommended them for my high cholesterol. A handful of the cereal in your regular cereal or yogurt or whatever works wonders. Easy and works without glasses of slime (metamucil, etc). The key is the psyllium (silly-um). Don't get the regular kind. Might as well eat cardboard. Just get it in your regular cereal isle. Good luck!
523. coolincanada said:
Hi again,
Sorry...did not mean the isle of cereal (although that would be fun) but the regular ole' grocery aisle. I'm expecting twins, so I have double pregnancy brain!
and p.s. POOP...because everything is friendlier with POOH!
524. Roberta Nevares said:
I've never seen so many comments on ANY blog or topic before. Poop. The common denominator.
525. Stacey said:
A tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar in the morning...
526. dk said:
i used to be exactly like you. like, pooped every 3 days. i started getting colonics (yes colonics, i thought it was icky too, but it's not as bad as you think). it took me a whole 2 years to even fathom doing it after i had first been encouraged to try it. but now i am regular!! and i have much better skin too, actually. the skin change is amazing.
oh, and i eat a LOT of greens. that helps tremendously,too. at lunch and dinner, spinach or kale or some very green greens.
and lastly, don't underestimate prunes. these are the best in the world: http://www.stdalfour.com.hk/
but really, like a sink, if you are stopped up, you're stopped up, and you will need a good cleaning.
colonics. really. i swear.
527. Elisson said:
What am I, number 517 or something? Jeez.
Nothing like a frank discussion of bowel habits to, er, flush out all the commenters.
First, this business of "regularity" is highly overrated. It ain't the frequency, it's the difficulty that determines whether you're constipated. But I assume you already know that.
I don't know of any "magic bullets" aside from All-Bran and prune juice. Or prune juice on All-Bran. Or other dried fruit. Tasty and full of fiber, too!
And you are absolutely right about the two-minute rule. I'll admit, sometimes I will bring a magazine into the can with me, but the crappin' is done well before the readin'. Two minutes is plenty time enough. If it's not, you probably didn't need to crimp one off quite yet.
You should probably publish this post and all of the associated comments as a paperback book...bet it'd sell! Heather, you made (ahem) my day.
528. denise said:
i think a lot of people were just really relieved to have a sanctioned forum for talking about poop. you opened the floodgates, so to speak.
i 200 the motion that coffee induces poop. also, my husband is the quickest pooper EVER. he has the fastest metabolism in the world. he usually has to poop urgently within about 15 minutes after he eats. and if he knew i was posting this, i think he would be kind of mad.
529. Kelli said:
>>when someone says, “My favorite food is ice cream,†THAT DOESN‘T MEAN THEY EAT ICE CREAM FOR EVERY MEAL.
That doesn't mean they DON'T eat ice cream for every meal, either...
530. snowy said:
i am a regular gal, but i feel for your pain. anecdotally, whenever i go water skiing and take a "bad spill" i inevitably have to poo RIGHT AFTER and SOOOOOON(!). so maybe that lends some credence to the good old enema method.
531. Mush said:
Frequency of evacuation is based on body type; in the West there's this idea that "healthy" and "normal" are quantifiable values that are the same for everybody. They're not. Some folks poop less often than others. It's a fact.
To keep it happening, try the following:
1. Drink half of your daily water intake hot. Yep. Hot. Like tea, only without the tea bag. It's weird at first but you'll start to like it. You can get a little thermos or something.
2. I know this is probably impossible with a baby, but you can try: make sure you're asleep between 10 PM and 4 AM. Those are the hours during which the body does its housekeeping. People who are chronically awake during those hours aren't getting the rest and repair they require. (Ideally, you'd go to bed at 9:30 and get up at six. Seriously.)
3. Like this is gonna happen, but still: Avoid all stimulants including coffee, tea, and alchohol.
4. Also easier to say than do: Decide your body type is just fine as it is, and try not to have negative feelings about the fact that you're not pooping as frequently as most of your friends, relatives, neighbors, and acquaintences. Doubtless there are things your bod does better than theirs: maybe you're airy, worried, and constipated, but you're not fat or zitty and probably never will be.
532. rosswog said:
Once in my life I was a every 4 days pooper... then I ate at a McDonald's in Interlaken Switzerland, followed by another showing at McDonald's in Bern Switzterland... both of which made me very ill (I was travelling with the quintessential Ugly American, who refused to eat anywhere that wasn't "American").
After that, if I eat anything even with the slightest amount of grease, I have to make a run for the bathroom. I like to call it 'Flash Projectile Pooping' which gives you about 2 minutes warning before blowout.
I am pretty sure what happened was in Interlaken, my body reached maximum lifetime McDonald's intake (which is something like 3 meals). The second McDonald's intake, in Bern, I think my body was saying, "Okay pal, you obviously didn't get the message, you are going to pay for this the rest of your life."
The short of it, fix your constipation by eating at McDonald's in Interlaken and then Bern Switzerland in two consecutive days and you shouldn't have non-pooping as a problem for the rest of your life. Instead your problem will involve secret symbols to your partner that says, "See that I am pale and sweating profusely, we better get the HELL out of here or I am going to teach California what a Brown-Out really is."
533. Todd said:
Why is it so important to poop? If you gotta go, then go. If not, count yourself privileged to not have to wipe your butt every day.
I timed my poop today...three minutes and 45 seconds. And that included unwrapping and using an individually wrapped "moist towelette."
534. embarrassed said:
i got sick of reading the comments around 300, but here are my two pennies:
i've struggled with fissures and hemmorhoids since i was a baby (i vaguely recall soothing/lubricating vitamin e goop being applied to my bottom system by my ever-patient mother, bless her heart.)
when i've got a big, hard poop, i do three things:
1) get in the 'feet up on the bowl' position
2) rock back and forth
3) (and this is the embarrassing one) once the poop is at the gate, so to speak, stretching things out, i put my hand down and press on it from the outside. it evens up the pressure on the sensitive thin skin there and makes the burning and straining less harsh, and bleeding less likely.
535. Angielala said:
Flax Seed Oil... marvelous stuff!
536. Angielala said:
Should clarify... get the Flax Seed Oil tablets. My mom swears by them! She's the only one in a family of 4 with a constipation problem and she used to take laxatives weekly... since she started the Flax Seed Oil tablets, she hasn't had to take laxatives once, and has a poop every 24-48 hours. (Unlike my brother, who can't finish a meal without having to take a dump... I kid you not, 3 times a DAY! My sister-in-law gets so aggravated at him when he has to leave the table at a restaurant to go contaminate the bathroom!)
537. Mr. Obvious said:
I can't believe that no one has mentioned this yet. www.colonblow.com Haven't tried it myself - chickenshit you might say.
538. Jess said:
I used to be very constipated in childhood and high school, and it went away when I started drinking coffee. Aside from coffee, public speaking usually does it for me. I get the nervous poopies there big time!...my fiance and I have had great discussions about how regular is regular. He learned in medical school that "regular" is a range: 3x/day to once every four days. Rest easy knowing that you fall in the normal range!
539. Joe said:
Wish I knew a secret formula for pooping, but my own system has been out of whack ever since I had my gallbladder removed. The only things that are certain to "start the commotion" are (1) an extra strong dose of caffeine (in my case from double-bagged cups of hot black tea) or (2) coca-cola. Coke never used to affect me at all, but since losing that pesky organ I might as well be drinking 20oz of intestinal lubricant.
Maybe the key is just to have your gallbladder removed, so that your body is less capable of processing fat in the short term, but I don't really recommend it :/
540. Dann Ryan said:
Wow, it's a sad when the highlight of my day is being able to comment on dooce.com, anyways, I was out this weekend and I saw a t-shirt that said "I need more cowbell" and had almost exactly the same cowbell image as the top of your site, I instantly thought of you. Isn't that scary??? AHHHH GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
oh yeah, poop.
541. Summer said:
I generally poop about 4-5 times daily. This could be blamed on my IBS, but some foods that get me running to the bathroom: Del Taco burritos, coffee, healthy cereal, large portions of dairy, pumpkin pie, and chocolate milk.
542. Dr. Nick said:
Holy Poop! Quite a list of comments there. I apologize for sending unrequested advice in the past. If that's what you get, Whooo!
I have a problem like what Pixie has..I always seem to have to go but when I go, I can't seem to get it out so I end up going all the time. Probably due to the cancer..the colon cancer. Before that, I was fine. Not too much, not too little..Goldilocks would have been proud.
I've also had the poop in a bag on your side illeostomy (like a colostomy but they take a piece of your small intestine and route it outside of your body instead of a piece of your large intestine). Needless to say, I'm glad to be able to poop the normal way now, irregardless of the fact that it's more frequent and sometimes more urgent than I would like. Count your blessings people!
As far as poop advice, I really have none but do be sure to have your colon checked if your poop changes suddenly for no reason. It could be cancer and the earlier they get it, the happier you'll be. Trust me, if I could go back and just have a colonoscopy vs. having almost a foot of my colon removed and going through a year of chemo and radiation and having an illeostomy, I would!
Happy Pooping folks!
543. sharon said:
I won't even bother reading all the other comments because I'm so excited to share my pooping "secret". Papaya, a whole fresh papaya will plunge you right out, but in a gentle way. And I usually drink green tea in the morning to kickstart things, for serious business reach for the papaya.
544. toni bentley said:
I find that a nice hard cock thrust with great force all the way up my ass and into my small intestine keeps me pretty darn regular--right as rain, actually.
545. beachgal said:
I highly doubt you are still reading, but after I read through EVERY comment, I just have to post.
I'm one of those every other day or so poopers. And I'm one of the in and out kind too, no use wasting time if nothing's gonna happen. Sometimes I'll go every day and sometimes it's not pretty, but really, I think the only time I've ever been truly constipated was when I had some stomach bug and I took an Imodium so I would QUIT pooping, and then I couldn't poop for a week.
My hubby, on the other hand, is concerned if he doesn't poop upwards of 5 times a day, and no kidding, he can reach 10 times. And he actually does poop each time, it's not just trying to go. I think he's abnormal, but after reading all these post, maybe he's not. Oh and he never raeds in the bathroom and he's in there for looooong periods of time.
It's absolutely amazing the amount of posts you received on this topic, dear Dooce. Should go to show you how much we love you. Happy Pooping!
546. Rana said:
Has anyone mentioned _How to Shit in the Woods_ yet? Now, there's a book that gives serious attention to poopage.