Rumbling volcano
I have many things that I want to say, things I want to talk about, have wanted to talk about for months, and I'm trying to figure out where to begin. A part of me is afraid that if I start talking I will not stop, because I have been bottling it up for so long and the pressure is strong enough to blow my ears off my head. When that happens I will be sure to catch it all on video so you can watch the gore unfold in slow motion.
Today I'm just going to say thank you for the kind email and the words of encouragement. I have read all of it, and I'm not sure there is any possible way to respond to all of it.
Sometimes the Internet can be so dumb that it makes you want to carve your brain out with a ladle:
"found you blog today and its total shit!!!! loser!!!!"
Such things make me grieve for America.
Other times you realize that your life is made so much better and brighter by the Internet:
"Why is it so (strangely) interesting to read someone else's grocery receipt? And is it a Utah thing to call them 'sunflower nuts'? They are SEEDS, dammit. An assumption on my part: perhaps Mormons can't call them seeds because that is the germinating SEX part of a plant and what a scorching sin to put SEX parts in your mouth."
The latter, fortunately, far outweighs the former, and the support I've read in my inbox over the last few days is a perfect example of one of those instances. Thank you for sending me your optimism. And also for sharing your well-founded assumptions about the Mormons. The one about how they sacrifice puppies in the temple? Totally true.
To show my gratitude I've put together a short video of that which keeps me from jumping off the roof of the house, although there are times when the argument could be made that it is she who would drive me to climb up there in the first place. Yesterday Leta and Jon were playing hide and seek and I was able to catch a small sequence in which she ran toward me with her funny toddler waddle, and as gross as this sounds, and as mad as I will be at myself later for writing this, I watch this and I know everything is going to be okay.
Or at least it will be after I smack a few pedestrians with my car. That would feel better than Prozac.
Launch video (4 MB Quicktime file)
Soundtrack is "Emotion 98.6" by Mylo.
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
1. Trinity said:
That is so beautiful. It is similar moments like that, that keep ME going.
Keep looking at your inspirations, at your child & husband, and you will come out in the sunshine in the end.
2. kelliamanda said:
Yep. You will hang in there and beat the shit out of this disease because of her. I'm glad you have her, and I'm glad you have Jon. I know that it's hard to remember that the hopelessness doesn't last forever, because I'm there now too, but I know and you know that things can get bright again. Well, I know that it can get better for you, anyway. In the meantime, live for the small stuff, like stories about scary Mormon temple rituals. My cousin was just married for time and all eternity in the temple, and my grandmother was "sealed" to my dead (Baptist!) grandfather, with a male cousin standing in for him. Yikes!
3. dancingnancy said:
Thanks for the video Heather! She's so cute. :)
What is going on in that person's life that makes them so upset about whether you call them nuts or seeds?! Honestly! Someone pissed in his Cheerio's, or maybe he's just all hyped up on caffeine. I can't think of another explanation.
Good luck with everything, and feel free to unload all your thoughts. :)
4. cate said:
I must have clicked this bookmark six hundred times a day since the post saying that you felt yourself being gripped by depression again.
I'm sure I was not alone. Hold onto the power of so many many people wanting you to kick this shit in the teeth.
"I know everything is going to be okay."
So do all of us. hang in hang on and hug that baby girl.
(BTW, if they are ona bike? 30 points)
5. Rose said:
I just want to say, I *heart* you guys. I enjoy each vignette of life at the house of Dooce and Blurb. I look forward to each photograph, and feel inspired to do more with my camera and look at all the mundane aspects of my life with a more artistic eye.
I am sorry to read that you are going through a rough spot, Heather. Is there anything your readers can do for you.
6. Anopoli said:
you are not alone, Heather. You have a wonderful family to help you through, you are in my thoughts.
Leta is the coolest kid ever!
7. SurprisingWoman said:
How lovely. My daughter sent me a video on her phone of my grandbaby, being held by her daddy after her bath, laughing so hard she gets a hitch in her voice.
There is nothing better than the laughter of a child.
Feel better soon, Heather. We are all pulling for you.
Brenda K.
8. cate said:
Then again....who needs us when you have BOUNCING PONYTAILS!?
9. rebecki said:
ha ha!! that is great! :) I could watch that over and over, so I can't even begin to imagine how it must make you feel!
10. Vaguely Urban said:
Awesome. Totally, completely happiness-affirming.
Heather, you've gotten through this before. You will get through it this time, too. You will.
11. Madame M. said:
Whenever you put all of yourself out there for the world to have part and parcel in your life, you are not just welcoming all the kind people, the like-mindeds, and even --I just gotta say it-- the schlocky kiss-butts who love *everything* you do; you're also, unfortunately, leaving the door open for the petty and the otiose to beat you down.
Be strong and try to avoid dwelling on such nastiness.
12. stutefish said:
Oh, that's sweet. As someone who has been struggling with depression for more than a decade now, I hear where you are so clearly. "This too shall pass" feels so...empty when you're in the middle of the shit, but it really is true. Here, have a poem: http://www.nicebutnubbly.com/2006/10/sweetness-by-stephen-dunn.html
13. typingelbow said:
Dooce, I just wish we could all come over with a casserole and make it better. Please don't hesitate to ask us if there's anything we can do. I hope you feel better soon.
14. DDM said:
I'm sending every good thought I have your way. They're pretty sparse here right now too. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Everything crossed for you that every day gets a little better.
15. lesismore said:
To all the angry people I say:
Wow, you sound really upset. You can sit in your cubby until you calm down. When you're ready to talk to me with your regular words, you can come back.
To you I say:
I don't know you, but I totally love you and your family! I've never been so compelled to read about/hear songs from/watch videos of a child I've never met. Sometimes I wish I was Leta so that I could have such a cool mom (no offense, Mom) who is also so good at storytelling. Don't stop.
16. barbie2be said:
she is such a pile of cuteness! you're a lucky family.
17. Court@RespectRx.com said:
single tear
18. feministbitch said:
Hang in there, Heather. We're all rooting for you. (Is that even how you spell that kind of rooting? makes it sound like we're infants at your breast looking for milk...)
19. leahkay said:
Take care.
20. rivetergirl said:
I check your page and Bluromat every day. You guys share so much with your readers. Your honest insights into parenting and everything that goes with it is so helpful and encouraging. Thank you.
Also know that for those of us who love you site, we care about you and wish you well.
21. Jill Shalvis said:
Cutest. Run. Ever.
Oh, and you are not alone, not even close! Hugs.
22. K8 said:
Aww, thanks for sharing that. I have to admit, your Leta makes me feel the same way, and I only know her through teh internets...
You're a smart, strong woman. I'm glad you're not trying to be alone in this (which is the true sign of a smart, strong woman, after all).
23. Workman said:
Beautiful video.
And thanks for passing on the sunflower seed advice. I will never eat them again without feeling like a filthy whore.
24. SydneyDawn said:
Oh no, I can't get the video to work!
I've been through periods of depression in my life where I wanted to end it all, but things eventually got better. Hang in there.
25. Amy said:
That was cute - I'm so envious of your vidio technical abilities (insert pout face here).
So can we put up nominations for the pedestrians you're going to hit with your car? Because my lawyer should totally be on that list. In fact, you can run him over twice for good measure.
26. LisaMarie36 said:
Heather, I've been reading your site for about two years now. I look forward every day to seeing Leta's face and hearing the adorable things that she says and does. I adore Chuck. Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your site.
27. Josie said:
“Lo que el artista hace por su pueblo es lo que el alma hace por el cuerpo.†Gabriela Mistral
Translation- What the artist does for their village is that which the soul does for the body.
Your artistry is amazing.
Best wellness wishes.
28. SnookNSmunch said:
*Big hugs for the Blurbadoocery* You know, the kind that don't make you feel all uncomfortable, but just let you know that you are cared for.
And in the meantime, a little bitchy clog-trashing might help, no?
http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2006/10/fugio_batali.html
29. Seven said:
That video made my ovaries hurt. Leta is freakin' adorable.
30. SisuLiz said:
Thanks for being bold enough to share this. I don't have a doubt that you'll get through this. I love the weeble-wobble totter of Leta's run. You made me smile a little more today.
31. jes said:
She has a cute waddle. Kind of reminds me of Bambi.
32. Nickie said:
I'm currently suffering from depression following the breakup of my marriage.
I had a couple of 'good' days last week and it was such a relief, but am now back in a 'bad' cycle. Seeing Leta's Forrest Gump impression gave me a few good minutes. Thank you.
I know there's nothing to be said that will help you get through this, but don't forget that what you do here gives lots of people a few good minutes. And that's pretty fucking amazing.
33. Ken said:
Wait...As for the sunflower seeds/nuts controversy: is it really much more appropriate to be putting 'nuts' in your mouth?
34. Sara Rasco said:
Leta is dah-ling!
Heather, the internet is totally pulling for you. At least, the literate portion of the population is... Feel free to ever so gently tap people who cross the intersection during the sliver of protected left turn time because they're just getting what's coming to them. Or maybe you could just hang out the window yelling, "Move bitch! Get out the way!" while someone else drives. It's good to have options.
35. electricboogaloo said:
Oh man, I could listen to Leta laughing all day long.
Depression is the biggest bitch whore I have ever known. Take good care of yourself, Heather. Leta loves her mama, and she's right.
36. Chelsea said:
Heather, your eloquence and insight are often inspiring. I too am crazy about your little family. Jon and your post's are a happy point in my day.
I'd like to apologize for the dum dum's out there and hope that you won't let them have the upper hand. I know you are going through a very dark patch right now, but as many folks have already said- I'm rooting for you and I know you'll pull through with flying colours.
37. rachelquoi said:
hey dooce, been reading your page for a couple of years now but have never commented...Leta's a beautiful kid and you'll pull through this. some people are ridiculously dumb and that will never change, but at least most of your readership appears to be supportive. Best luck!
38. gesikah said:
I know the feeling. Honestly, I don't know which is scarier being blind-sided or experienced enough to see it coming.
I would say that you have no idea how lucky you are to have such a gift...but I think that video pretty much proves the contrary.
There's not really anything anyone can say to make it all better, that much I do know. Just try like fuck not to let the Black Cloud win. <3
39. Karen Rani said:
Take it from someone who has been there: keep reminding yourself it will get better. You are all very lucky to have each other. Thank you for sharing your video of Leta...she's as cute as ever!
Karen
xo
40. noshowmo said:
So kind of you to share Leta with us, so brave to share yourself. You have more support from out here than you could ever know.
41. Alissa Szarek said:
Wishing you strength through this tough time.
I'm hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you've discovered him.
Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I've seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).
His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.
I've always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.
42. Becksaboo said:
She is too cute! I'm glad you have Leta in your life. I suffered with major depression for four years, and so I understand that sometimes you need the little joys badly just to make it through the day. She is precious! Thank you for sharing her with us, and making our days a little brighter too!
43. noshowmo said:
So kind of you to share Leta with us, so brave to share yourself. You have more support from out here than you could ever know.
44. noshowmo said:
So kind of you to share Leta with us, so brave to share yourself. You have more support from out here than you could ever know.
45. Alissa Szarek said:
Wishing you strength through this tough time.
I'm hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you've discovered him.
Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I've seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).
His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.
I've always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.
46. rachelquoi said:
hey dooce, been reading your page for a couple of years now but have never commented...Leta's a beautiful kid and I'm sorry you have to go through all this again. Some people are ridiculously stupid and that will never change, but at least most of your readership is supportive. Best luck, hope this all blows over soon :)
47. rachelquoi said:
ok...i guess i have yet to master the commenting-ness, sorry for doubles.
48. Alissa Szarek said:
Wishing you strength through this tough time.
I'm hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you've discovered him.
Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I've seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).
His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.
I've always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.
49. Gooseberried said:
Heather Armstrong is a fantastic and talented writer. Heather Armstrong makes me laugh. Heather Armstrong is my personal role model. I love Heather Armstrong, and I don't even know her!
50. platypus1320 said:
I've been coming here every day for about two years and you're the reason I started blogging and you're the reason I have a wonderful group of blogfriends. I'm so sorry that you're hurting and that the idiots get you down, or make things worse. You will come through this: you're a wonderful mother to Leta and don't ever think or let anyone tell you that you're not. If only all kids were as lucky (or as cute!) as she is.
Blove. x
51. kmt63 said:
This is my first time commenting on your blog, but I've been reading it for a few months now. I guess I just want to second what everyone else has been saying about how much we hope you feel better soon. I've gone through two serious times of deep depression and anxiety. The first happened during my first semester of college and lasted 4 months and then, horribly, it happened again during my first semester as a teacher and lasted again for 4 months. My depression was caused by extreme stress. I like to be in control and it occured when I couldn't have felt more out of control with what was going on around me. I believe the depression would have lasted longer if I hadn't made very big changes. It doesn't really work for me to say, "I understand how you feel," because I didn't really like it when people said that to me, but I guess I just really want you to know that I sympathize.
52. jemima said:
I've suffered from depression since high school, so I know how dark and endless the low points can be. Try to be kind to yourself. You really are a great mom and a wonderful writer, and you have a lot of people's good thoughts supporting you. Mine especially. I know you and Jon will get through this.
53. bdwriter said:
Where have I been that in the nearly 25 years I've lived in Utah I've NEVER heard anyone, Mormon or other, say sunflower nuts. Quite assumptive, indeed.
Otherwise, love the site and wish you improved health.
BrD
54. thebeatofmyrants said:
Having just endured my first (and hopefully last) bout of life-crippling depression, my heart aches to hear that the monster's got you again.
Take the drugs, do the the therapy, hold your hubby's hand and "know everything's going to be okay" when you look at Leta.
Also know that there are thousands of people out here who mightily appreciate your bright, funny observations on life and want you to, for lack of a more elegant phrase, Get Well Soon.
55. fiveflowers said:
Funny how a running toddler going to hug her mommy makes me cry. Mine is almost 26 months and watching Leta grow almost parallel to my girl has been a real joy. I know you have been through so much lately; but it is just so good to see your family coming together for you and holding you up, as families should do. Thanks for the cheesey music, by the way.
56. Sharra55 said:
Heather, I have been reading your blog for almost 2 years. You are a source of joy, laughter, and inspiration. I love your posts and thoughts. You are truly amazing. Thank you for letting us into your life.
57. fiveflowers said:
Funny how a running toddler going to hug her mommy makes me cry. Mine is almost 26 months and watching Leta grow almost parallel to my girl has been a real joy. I know you have been through so much lately; but it is just so good to see your family coming together for you and holding you up, as families should do. Thanks for the cheesey music, by the way.
58. Sarah said:
Adorable video! Thank you for that.
Also? Much love and strength to you and your family. I truly wish for you to be well.
59. courtney said:
Thanks for sharing this video. I've been having a rough day with my 'little heathen' (18 month old) here in my 39th week of pregnancy. The video helped remind me I need to step back and enjoy the good stuff a little more...
Just as soon as I get rid of those poopy pants..
60. Jenorama said:
That was great-- the music really made it. I think about you every day and wish you well.
61. lightspring said:
Here's hoping you someday find that beautiful inner core of Heather-ness that you've become disconnected from, the one that matches the outer-Heather that writes such achingly heartwrenching yet at the same time gut-splittingly hilarious posts about Life that everybody in this room can relate to. You've got us in the palm of your hand. I hope you find one day what to do with it.
(sigh)
And then tell us.
62. roguephotog said:
So sweet, there aren't words to describe the feeling. Thank you for sharing this!
63. Anna said:
That is a beautiful video! Thanks for sharing.
You are a blessing to many people, and you are loved. Don't forget it!
64. leonie said:
dear heather,
i know this won't help you, but I've been hooked to your blog for years now because you're a brilliant writer. Please go on doing this!
and please go get help! (if you haven't already done that)
all the best for you and your lovely family.
leonie
(from Leipzig, Germany)
65. Heather said:
I watched this with my 2 1/2 year old daughter on my lap and we couldn't get enough!! Every time it ended she said. "Again, again." Very sweet!
66. Heather said:
I watched this with my 2 1/2 year old daughter on my lap and we couldn't get enough! She kept saying "Again, again" when it would end. Too cute!
67. Lynnlaw said:
I have so been through this and wish you clarity and people around you who get it. This will pass.
68. Leslie said:
What a gorgeous video.
This site is the best gift a child could ever hope for from a parent. Hopefully when Leta's older she'll know both you and Jon better than most know their own parents, and know how much you love her, no matter how late you won't let her stay out.
I can imagine how painful it must be to have to see the joy and innocence in Leta through the eyes of depression; to love something so much but to feel so inadequate and unworthy for reasons only a CAT scan can explain. She loves you and needs you in a way she'll never love or need anybody else.
Keep on going Heather!
69. Jason said:
Dear Dooce,
While I haven't sent you an email, I will simply support you by visiting, reading and laughing at your words. They are truly awesome, and I hope one day, I will be able to at least replicate a percentage of the comedy value.
Thanks
Jason
70. amy Jacobs said:
I think you should make these little movies of Leta and John and keep them for the days that are bad. I know it sure made me feel good to watch her...made me think about my own girls and how amazing just watching them is. You want to be around for that...make yourself watch. Hell, even tape the bad moments, they are important too. A toddler tantrum that threw you into a tail spin will be hilarious to watch after she goes to bed! Sending you good vibes girl...hang in.
71. Sunshine said:
Heather, you lighten our days with your stories and pictures.
Just know that there's lots of us out here, all of us standing together to hold you up on the days you can't do it alone.
That's our job -- that's what friends do.
(count me in the list of those who've dragged depression around...the sun will come up -- really.)
72. Bethany said:
That totally made me cry. Then I ran over to Itunes to see if I could find the song.
Stay strong guys!
73. capello said:
OMG, she *runs* now. Awesome.
As for jumping off your roof... Heather, I've seen pictures (remember that one of you in front of the garage and the camera people told you to wear that sassy snappy white shirt). You're tall. I thinking jumping off your roof would be like you hopping place, wouldn't it?
74. kim from germany said:
what a cheesy and yet so beautiful video. the music made it just perfect. i am so happy to see her walking like that and i'm wishing you all the strength to get through the tough times.
75. Leah Penn said:
thanks for sharing all you do, and please continue to share. Your creativity is beautiful, and I'm awed by the love you show for your family. It's obvious that they love you back just as much. I hope to someday have a family like yours.
76. Just a trumpet player said:
I want one just like her !!!!
About the winding down thing...
Hitting a pedestrian with your car is fine, but you get more points for an old lady (bonus points if she's wearing a hat) or for a bicycle... I'm aiming for the hat-wearing-bicycle-riding-granny...
Hang in there ; we need you !!
77. anggraz said:
I enjoy looking at your beautiful photography. I am envious of your talent for that and your writing. I wish you a speedy recovery.
78. Samantha Y. said:
I know what you mean about having bottled things up so long that you don't know where to begin. Although lately I think a big portion of my hesitance to write comes from my new in-laws religiously reading my blog for something to get upset about.
I've found that taking things one day at a time is the only way to get through it – but first you have to believe that you can get through it. You are right when you say that, ultimately, things will be okay. I wish you the best!
79. jill said:
I too suffer from depression. I'm lucky and have been really good for a couple of years now. I still have to be careful. Some days I yell. Some days I cry. Some days I wish I was my friend who's alcoholic man whore of a husband just left and now she gets to start over. Things are looking pretty low when that sounds like an attractive life situation.
I have an unbelievable husband who works from home and 2 amazing children. Some days I'm crazy but most days I'm really well. I know this is how it will always be for me. Every episode brings new insight and growth. Every episode gets better now. Now, I love my life with all it's madness, not in spite of it.
I'm wishing you betterness.
Thanks for bringing me belly laughs. Thanks for bringing me tears. Thanks for bringing me perspective.
xox
jill.
80. tigerlily said:
I love when she does the little squeal/jump to the side when she hears Jon. I got to spend time with my friend's cousin's children for [Canadian] Thanksgiving and I was so content during that time. Leta is absolutely beautiful.
81. Nicole Rosenleaf Ritter said:
Will you think I'm a total loser if I tell you that I thought about you and your family A LOT this weekend? I worried about you like I've known you for years, and of course I don't and haven't. I just know what you write for all of us and how much it affects me.
I'm also so unbelievably in awe of your willingness to be open about depression. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What you do? It's important. Please keep doing it. I want to read about you and Jon dancing inappropriately at your 50th wedding anniversary.
82. Eitak said:
I've been reading for quite sometime, and I'm saddened to read that you're going through such a rough time. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful and watching the way she ran towards you almost made everything in MY world seem right and she's not my kid (nor do I dellusionally think she is, just for the record). Hopefully you just need time to get back to a better place.
And as far as those pedestrians, well I say track down the IP addresses of the jerks that sent the rude comments and go on a road trip :)
83. Morphea said:
That was really moving. The only thing more adorable than a running, laughing child is a child doing all that in slow-mo with cool music in the background.
Hang in there, love. Many people pulling for you.
Cerise
84. Wicked H said:
The Climb
Climbing up a mountain,
Pulling yourself higher and higher.
Out of the pit of misery.
Things seem to look brighter.
Grass is growing, Birds are singing,
And the sun emerges from theclouds.
Then you start to slip,
To lose your grasp,
And down you fall.
Not quite to the bottom,
Just teetering on a ledge,
Could you go over at any moment
Have you the strength to climbagain?
The pain of your cut soul
Burns like a fire,
The anger, hurt and frustration
Come flooding back into yourmind.
The fight for survival starts again.
Overcome the fear,
Search for the holds,
Rely on the support from before.
I know it's going to be difficult,
But you did it once,
You can do it again.
Remember, you're not the only one -
Out there are other climbers
Fighting their own battles,
Searching their own soul
And conquering their own mountains.
-- Emma Nurton
Wishing you all the strength to climb to the top of the mountain. You are a brave woman Heather. Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.
85. SSFB said:
I too have been depressed, I know I can't say anything that will get you out of it but I'm going to say it all anyway:
Leta is a beautiful girl, and she is lucky to have you both. I love reading your blog and I check it (sometimes more than once) daily. Do your best to ignore the rediculous people that call you a loser because there is a far greater population who loves your blog. We are all concerned for you and wish you a quick end to the dark cloud.
Best Wishes
86. jonell said:
Another stranger/fan wishing you well and saying thanks for the laughs and tender moments. I wish there were magic words to make the black clouds lift.
87. Kristin said:
Hi Heather,
I have never commented either, but after reading this and the latest 'Dear Leta' entry, I felt compelled to say something. You have no idea how many of us moms feel the same way you do when it comes to being a better mother. Every day I cry because I feel like I could (and should) do more with my daughter, and I don't. After working all day, I'm tired and crabby. I would like to say that I don't spend the majority of my free time on the computer or laying in bed battling depression, but I do. When I look at my little girl, I feel like I'm letting her down and she doesn't even know it yet. She just smiles and kisses my face, and continues to play as if everything in the world is absolutely wonderful.
When I read what you wrote, I couldn't help but feel some relief.
Thanks for being you, and for continuing to write.
88. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I can't watch the movie at work because the powers that be are dillholes and won't allow me to download Quicktime without some sort of administrative rights. But I can't wait to see it!
As for the sunflower nuts/seeds debate, isn't the word "nuts" even more offensive than "seeds" to a Mormon? I can't imagine a Mormon putting nuts in their mouth any more than placing a seed in their mouth. Just sayin'...
And ignore all the meanies. Sending good thoughts your way!
89. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I can't watch the movie at work because the powers that be are dillholes and won't allow me to download Quicktime without some sort of administrative rights. But I can't wait to see it!
As for the sunflower nuts/seeds debate, isn't the word "nuts" even more offensive than "seeds" to a Mormon? I can't imagine a Mormon putting nuts in their mouth any more than placing a seed in their mouth. Just sayin'...
And ignore all the meanies. Sending good thoughts your way!
90. creed_nm said:
A long time ago I too suffered under the shadow of depression, fortunately nowhere near as bad as yours.
During a particularly bad time a very good friend of mine said something I shall never forget, and which helped me a lot then and since.
They were perhaps the strongest six words that anyone ever said to me, and I'd like to share them with you now:
"Come back soon, we miss you."
Best wishes Heather; come back soon.
91. Wordnerd said:
I'm just another blogger, just another lurker, just another commenter. But I love the honesty with which you posted, and I'm just here to tell you that I hope and pray that the cloud lifts and breathing becomes easier with each day. So glad you are blessed with that wonderful little girl -- hold fast to her and to all that is dear to you.
92. samantha w. said:
May the light of your soul guide you.
May the light of your soul bless the work you do,
with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your work bring healing,
light and renewal to those who work with you
And to those who see and receive your work.
May your work never weary you.
My it release within you wellsprings of refreshment,
inspiration and excitement.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in the bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find you awake and alert,
Approaching your new day with dreams,
possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.
-a celtic blessing
93. Libby said:
Heather,
It is really hard for me to imagine how people could send you mean and crabby emails, but I admire the way you handle them. They obviously don't know much about you, since it is obvious to me and the other 80-some-odd folks who wrote before me how lovely you are!
Am wishing you well and hoping that things get easier on your end. You'll get there, am sure, since those of us in the internet sphere always get our way. ;)
94. anne nahm said:
Take care
95. Libragirl said:
I love the kid running and jumping. Knowing that every Wednesday, my niece will do that...makes my weeks fly. I'm glad other kids do it. Kid laughter, best sound in the world.
96. flushedface said:
you can tell in her eyes she adores you.
97. Shasta said:
You get too many damn comments, and it's not even into 3 digits yet (although it may well be before I finish typing). That's my way of saying I didn't have time to read more than a few of them, so hopefully I'm not repeating anything that has already been said.
Say it! Say it! Say it! I want to hear what you have to say. Don't let the haters scare you away. People who can't type grammatically correct sentences shouldn't be allowed to send hate mail.
I couldn't see the video because I can never get fucking Quicktime to work. I will work on that, because I'm sure it's adorable.
Secular blessings and love ...
98. flailingmyarms said:
Kids in motion are even more amazing then kids wrapped up in cleverly crafted adult commentary (which you also do so well).
That was the coolest.
99. moonrattled said:
Leta's sweetness is fierce.
100. eddeaux said:
mmmmm... Mylo is nice...
That video is awesome. She is growing up so fast. It is weird watching her grow up and remembering when she was just a round ball in your stomach.
Thanks for allowing us to be a part of your lives.
Much Love.
101. annepet said:
Heather - I watched your video with tears in my eyes - my daughter is just a couple of months younger than Leta, and I so wish I shared your ability to write so that I too could record for her (and her older brother) just how much I love them.
I know you worry about the impact of your illness on her, but children are resilient, and knowing that they are loved and accepted is more important than that Mommy is perfect. And let her accept you. I hate letting any sign of my agoraphobia show to my children, but this summer when faced with crossing a railway line with my 4 year old, I just couldn't do it - he accepted this with aplomb and happily marched the long way round to keep our appointment.
(Oh, and the sunflower seed thing? So glad you shared that one!)
102. Lobsterchick said:
I know there's no magic button, I know there's no magic pill, but maybe it'll make you feel a smidge better to know that my friend Danielle and I send each other bitter emails with subject lines like "Dooce, AGAIN!" wherein we bemoan how beautiful you are, how lucky you are to be home with Leta, how clever your writing is... we want to hate you, but we can't BECAUSE YOU'RE SO DAMN LIKEABLE!
103. Krista said:
Heather- Thank you for your blog. I consider you to be one of the matriarchs of blogging and I can only hope that some day I can be as insightful, witty, and shocking as you. I wish there was some way I could keep the people with the ugly insides from commenting... I guess it just doesn't work that way. I'm glad that you have Leta to hug!
104. bananie said:
made my tuesday worth living.
(that, and another viewing of pickle surprise.)
thankyouthankyou.
105. Susie said:
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm glad you've got Jon in your corner. Oh, and Leta? Cutest. Waddle. Ever.
106. issa said:
Watching toddlers run should be a law. It is just too dam cute. I hope life gets better for you soon. You are an amazing person to share your life (and Jon and Leta's) with us. Just know that you are not alone. And for every idiot, they is at least 4 people who'd kick their asses if given the chance.
107. CyndiLou said:
Just another anonymous admirer who has vacationed in that deep, dark pit. If wishes and prayers (sorry :)--I'm doing it for you, can't help it, but I'm just a run-of-the-mill relatively-unscarred-by-religion Presbyterian) from the internet can boost the curative powers of your obvious, moving love for your family, then you will be just fine.
108. Brandi Walzer said:
Thanks for sharing that video; Leta always makes me smile. I hope things turn up for you soon - I've been going through another period of depression myself. Feel free to vent and bitch if you want!
109. GEORGE! said:
Could you stop posting my emails on your shit blog?
thanx.
110. HDC said:
Gads, who wouldn't feel better after knocking a few pedestrians on their asses?
111. Ms. Karen said:
Your blog and your pictures are a bright spot in my day. I'm glad you're here.
I wish the video had loaded for me, but I'm sure it would just make me ache more for grandkids.
112. lunacydress said:
~~~Long time reader, first time poster~~~
I, too, struggle with depression- as a result of it, I left college after 2 years, and in the five years since then, I've stuggled further to find what it is I want to do with the rest of my life. In the 2 or so years I've been reading your blog, I've laughed (hysterically!) and cried along with you, Jon, Leta and Chuck. You're all in my thoughts daily, long after I've read the day's post. Sometimes Leta's adorableness, charm, spontaneity and brilliance make me re-think this whole "childfree" thing :)
We know you can get through this Heather, and know that all of us and your friends and family are behind you.
P.S. I'm going to be in SLC next week for 8 days for business- can't wait to see the Utah sites you take pictures of an describe and experience all the Mormon-y goodness! :)
113. FashMags said:
Heather - that is a damn fine reason to believe. Keep believing, especially when you don't. Put a post-it on your fridge, or the box of Pop Tarts or poor Chuck's rear end that says "believe". You have so much love out there for you and your family and we believe for you.
Believing from Boston,
-Lori
114. joe said:
NOW it lets me sign in. What did I want to say? Oh yea, hang in there. You're not alone in your battle with the demons and all that rot. It meant more when there were only four comments but now that there are over 100 I fear I'm just another boring repeat. But do hang tough H. And your daughter is adorable.
115. JustLinda said:
Let the good mojo help carry you through if it can...
116. Hemlock said:
Heather,
For the first time EVER... something has given me an inkling that I might want to have kids.
What a beautiful moment with Leta. So beautiful. So touching. Thank you for sharing. She is SO worth kicking this depression thing in the ass.
117. cardshoppegirl said:
perfection! attack of the 50 ft toddler!
screw the blue meanies of the world, Heather. you're funny as S@#% and if you need to vent - let it fly. we've got your back.
118. Skeezeroo said:
Why oh why oh why can I NOT see this video? It opens an IE window on my box, which remains entirely white and gives me this unending white-arrow-with-hourglass thing. As though it is thinking...yet it never actually launches said video. Am I missing a plug-in or something? I just know, know, KNOW that Leta is beyond darling here... if only I could see it! Help me somegeek! Help me!
119. Chris(tine) said:
I, too, have never commented here, but I wanted to add my voice to the song of support...
The "long dark night" times are very hard, but kids do make it worth the fight. I'm hoping you find a way to hang in there.
Leta is beyond adorable...
120. BuckeyeJim said:
>“found you blog today and its total shit!!!! loser!!!!â€<
So sad that there are people who so much want to believe that the universe is them-centered. Does Leta already display more maturity?
121. FlippyO said:
If you're gonna smack some pedestrians, would you consider taking advantage of a personalized list I could make up real quick like?
I'd like to say something supportive 'n shit, but I'm not good with stuff like that, so I'll just lightly punch you in the arm or something.
122. Michelle said:
Oh My Goodness!!! She is absolutely adorable. I always look forward to reading your blogs. Thank so you much for sharing exactly who you are. You're an inspiration.
123. bookratt said:
You are one of the 5 people I have listed at myspace (ok, stop that smirking already), besides Einstein, Harper Lee, Martin Sheen, Magnus Scheving and Nelson Mandela, that I have wanted to meet in my lifetime.
Not sure if that bit of knowledge helps to make you feel better. It should.
Not because I am any great shakes myself, so great that you'd necessarily have any real desire to meet me, but because THEY are great. And you are number one on that list.
That's pretty good company you keep, Heather.
Peace to you and your family.
124. Meggleberry said:
These are the moments that I feel a real longing for now that my three children have made it safely to adulthood. And that I'm not sure I appreciated to the full at the time they were happening. Because the best of life is in the tiny fragments that piece together into life. Leta's love for you is a such a joy.
So sorry that life is so bloody hard right now. Just don't give the hate mailer's even a nanosecond of your life. Their twisted views are 100% about them and totally nothing about you. Hang in there and know that there is a whole community out here that loves what you do and is cheering you on every slogging step of the way.
125. Quixar said:
Another long time reader, first time poster:
Heather,
I'm just coming out of a nastiest and longest spell of depression to date. My friend told me something that sorta stuck in my head as I was just at my lowest, "For every down, there is an up." I'm glad you're seeing a bit of that in the up. I was struck watching the future Avon Queen running and was struck by how I used to pray and worry about her not being able to walk. Now she's hiding and chasing Daddy. There is so much hope in the world. The dark times can just make us stronger. I just wanted to add one more voice to the chorus of well-wishers. I enjoy you and your family so much. Thank you for what you do.
126. Lala said:
When I see that I can't believe we all wondered if she'd ever walk....
Take it easy Heather, we all need to back away from the Internet from time to time.
127. Nifle said:
Thank you for sharing with us your life in open honesty. To say this too shall pass is too simple. Too many times we brush over depression because we can't associate with the person in it's perils. You deserve happiness, Heather. Remember that.
128. EOMama said:
Heather, I just have to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. I am admittedly late to the game, having only found your site in the last year, but better late than never...
Your writing SPEAKS to me, sister. From one Mama to another, let me say this:
I hear you. I feel you. Your honesty and courage heal me. Thank you for being a Warrior Mama and speaking the truth - the hilarious, gut-wrenching, joyful, soul-crushing and very human truth about Motherhood. Know that I too have walked through the dark tunnel, and like you, I am still here.
129. keagansmom said:
Heather,
I for one would LOVE to see someones,ANYONES, head explode! (i'm sick that way). Please don't think you are alone in this, for what it's worth we all care about you.I don't go one day without checking your blog at least 3 times to see if there is a new picture, post, or link. You make me laugh (or cry) on my most stressful days. My depression has also been rearing its ugly head of late and I'm not sure why (besides the fact that my son's medical condition has left us sooo far in debt I'm gonna start selling my organs!)
You have a beautiful family who love you, that is all that matters. Vent away; we will all listen without judgement.
xoxo, a bottle of Zoloft and a bottle of gin,
Kel
130. sam said:
Heather,
I stumbled upon your site very much by accident in July and have been hooked ever since and this is the first time I have commented. I can't wait to see what you have written and I always look forward to your photos.
There will always be people out there who will not agree with what you say, write, feel, take photos of, whatever. My theory is that they have small, pathetic, little lives who thrive on attempting to make you miserable. I say screw them. I and so many others enjoy coming back each and every day to peek into your life.
Please know that there is nothing in life so big that it can't be solved. The dark days will become bright again.
131. tksinclair said:
The waddle is priceless but that laugh, whew, that made my eyes tear up. Every parent on the face of the planet has experienced a similar moment and you've captured it on film. And yes, when you witness that kind of innocence, absolute perfection and pure love, it's hard to think there is anything wrong in the world. Weird isn't it? The heart of a two year old could solve the worlds problems.
132. Jaycee said:
Kids are a paradox aren't they? As you say, they keep you going on one hand, and on the other you sometimes want to tear your hair out with frustration.
I can't watch the vid as I'm still on dialup and it would take forever but I'm sure it's fabulous.
Hope you fight your way out the fog!
133. tksinclair said:
I'm laughing because right after I wrote the above post and watched the video that melted my heart....I happened to look at the pre-orange juice photo. There is just something hysterically funny about seeing those two things one right after the other. Or I should say, "feeling" those two things one right after the other.
134. Jenn said:
Sweet mother, that is the cutest video ever. :)
135. Mich said:
Heather
I just wanted to say that I read your blog almost every day and I so enjoy it!! It's made me laugh, and cry sometimes.
Depression is a hard thing - do what you can do get through it, Leta is just beautiful - I also have a three year old daughter and alot of what you write echos in my own head.
Just wanted to let you know that you do make a difference.
Best Wishes
Mich
136. LAK said:
I too have suffered from depression. I don't think you can know how terrifing it is unless you have had it yourself. Here is something I read once: One's spirit will sustain one's infirmity, but a wounded spirit, who can bear?
That says it all for me. But here is something else. You will get better. I did.
137. emnw said:
dude...
the only thing that keeps me going is seeing my toddler run. her tiny little body and her big head bobbing along. Its all good.
count those blessings
138. hulahulagirl said:
I'm not even that big of a fan of Kids in general, but I almost cried that was so cute. So cute. Just loop that and watch forever. The giggle, too.
And speaking as One of The Depressed, hang in there. It's better than the alternative, even if some days it doesn't feel like it. Also, jumping off the roof of the house would probably just fuck your knees up and cost you a lot of money.
139. hulahulagirl said:
I'm not going to write all that again in the hopes that it was rec'd the first time.
140. marie leconte said:
Sunshine on legs...
141. leahbee said:
The other day I had a moment where I stopped to think about whether I should reveal the fact that I've been down lately on my blog. Would it ruin the tone? Do readers really need to know? Should I protect my own privacy? Will it make me look stupid and whiny? And, perhaps most importantly... could I blog about anything else and make it seem honest, like I wasn't trying to hide something?
Then I remembered reading about your tough times on your blog, and it gave me the courage to be truthful on mine. Thank you.
142. PinkPoppies said:
Hey Heather,
Having had several friends who have suffered from severe depression, it is inspiring to see you write so candidly about your experience.
It is a sign of strength to ask for help, not weakness. Knowing what you need and how to get it make such a difference in dealing with this dis/ease of the mind and heart.
I have had several who made the choice not see another day, and for them it was the absence of any tether to earth including family (both of origin and self created).
I see Leta and Jon as your anchor, keeping you safe as you cope, and I hope you see them that way too. Having an anchor isn't something that weighs you down; it keeps you centred, in a safe haven, while the storm rages outside of you.
Be strong. Be loved. Be yourself.
Pink
143. anneelizmary said:
Heather:
(commenting here now; see mine previously to you at Blurbomat). The large number, but small percentage, of your readers, devotees, fans, and friends who have commented here today represent so many more who wish you well.
Thank you for the video--a gift to us all. Love the giggle the most--especially how it climbs the scale upward like an arpeggio.
144. PinkPoppies said:
Hey Heather,
Having had several friends who have suffered from severe depression, it is inspiring to see you write so candidly about your experience.
It is a sign of strength to ask for help, not weakness. Knowing what you need and how to get it make such a difference in dealing with this dis/ease of the mind and heart.
I have had several who made the choice not see another day, and for them it was the absence of any tether to earth including family (both of origin and self created).
I see Leta and Jon as your anchor, keeping you safe as you cope, and I hope you see them that way too. Having an anchor isn't something that weighs you down; it keeps you centred, in a safe haven, while the storm rages outside of you.
Be strong. Be loved. Be yourself.
Pink
145. Marla Good said:
Once upon a time, when you were feeling low, someone commented "blogging makes you care about people you don't even know". I've never forgotten that, and now I say it often myself. So now, I care about you and your family, because your gift for capturing them in writing and in images compels me to.
You were my first blog, found when another mommy in a "When Baby Comes Home" class caught a whiff of my personality peeking through the fatigue, and told me I should be reading your posts. That was two years and five months ago - and I've never stopped reading you, which led me to others, which led me to write a little too.
I can't say much more now than anyone else has before me, but I should thank you. It does seem strange to tell someone that you have done more for me than I can ever do for you, and you haven't known it. And, I want to say that I hope, most sincerely, that all the rough roads will be soon be behind you.
As for your beautiful daughter running toward you? It's the way her eyes go for yours, isn't it? I have to go and blubber a bit now.
146. Nat W. said:
The video won't load for me. :(
But I totally want to hit some pedestrians today, too.
147. E said:
I wrote this a year ago now Heather - I've sent it to you a few times but I know you're busy so here it is again just incase you didn't get it...
You've inspired me in ways I can't begin to describe and all I can say is SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY GODAMNIT - we can handle it - we want to hear it - we need to hear it and those that can't or don't can RACK OFF! Don't deprive those of us who live daily for your posts for those who are heart and brain dead. I know you have good friends - one of them is your husband and the thing I've discovered about good friends is THEY KEEP COMING BACK...so lets call you letting your Volcano rocks off a Process of Elimination - say it, say it all!
Here endeth the lecture... m mmm m (that was a big wrap around hug)
________________________________________________
Movement...
Just when I think I'm being as honest as my conscience and heart will let me, I read Dooce.
www.dooce.com/archives/daily/11_03_2005.html
www.dooce.com/archives/daily/12_05_2005.html
Little Leta is so gorgeous my heart almost went into seizures just scrolling over the pictures. She is almost the age my daughter was when I left my family.
I had near fatal suicidal depression and hardly remember anything of my daughters early years. Lights on, no-one home.
I functioned as the person everyone called me but my brain/emotions were doing time in solitary confinement.
On The Night, I had the pills and glass of water beside the bed. My husband had left for night shift, the children were asleep.
I had learnt a lot from the last time and had it all planned...take the pills and go to sleep. He would arrive home in the morning just as the children were waking and...whatever.
Earlier a friend came around and hard worded me "So? What are you going to do about it?".
(IT being depression) then left in disgust when I shrugged "idunno".
Luckily I have a spiritual army on the 'other side' looking after me and after she left there was a tangible parting of the cotton wool feeling clouds that was my brain and a voice said "Your children need you!"
I can still hear that voice to this day.
I went to bed, had an unpilled nights sleep and the next morning told my husband I needed to leave, for everyones sake.
He wrote in a card "I would rather have an alive best friend than a dead wife" and let me go gracefully.
When they say "It must have been really hard leaving your children" my answer has always been "It wasn't hard at all - If it had been hard, I know I would have been doing the wrong thing".
Thanks Heather B.
It took me a long time to realise that I took drugs and drank alcohol to bring on being emotionally moved by somethinganything - to experience passion. And in a 3 minute read of this blog, I was moved in the way only being-under-the-influence could move me in the past.
It is now 11 years since I 'left the family' and being confronted with images of children, and what I chose to forfeit, still takes my breath and chokes my heart, but I have no regrets. Leaving was the most courageous and right thing I have ever done and gave me the saying that I live by 'When you do what's right for you, you do what's right for everyone around you'.
My children have been able to watch me grow up and maybe that's why, even though they're teenagers now, we're all still so in love with each other...
148. SayVandalay said:
I have become OCD over the weekend. Or, at least the OC part. Or maybe just the O. I've not been able to stop reading your blog. The children are laying in puddles of their own urine and filth, begging for food, and still I stare at this screen, begging for more, MORE!
Leta = a-freaking-dorable. Is she married yet and/or promised to anyone? I've got two eligible toddlers. They both know all of the ABC's, they sleep through the night, they like to go for leisurely stroller rides, and they love a nice bubble bath. We can write up the marriage contract now, if it suits.
149. tracy said:
What a sweet,giggly girl!! A true blessing!!
Praying for you! Keep taking it day by day, moment by moment. Many of us have walked in your shoes! You can survive and win! (so many exclamation marks means I really, really mean it!!!!!!!) (((hugs)))
150. jenB said:
Heather, I am so sorry. I am trying to believe, as others have said, it won't always be like this, so hard.
Love
151. Gretchie said:
Depression is anger turned inward, so maybe turning outwards is a first step towards overcoming depression. I have a friend that did hit someone with his car to feel better. He went through a lot of therapy after that.
He feels *much* better now.
Moral of the story: Do what you gotta do, baby!
Although..... editing and publishing tear-jerking videos of a happy toddler might also help you feel better. And save you a lot of $$ on therapy.
If they can put flouride in the tap water, why can't they add Prozac? "Mother had lovely teeth, too bad we never saw them..." Government has it's priorities all wrong, I tell you.
152. Torrie said:
(HUG)
That video was just lovely.
153. echo8322 said:
hi dooce,
the video of leta is wonderful; her laugh is so beautiful. my bf and i just watched it twice in a row to listen to her laugh! my bf loves leta's name. she is truly a precious child. lots of love and hope from us to you and your family through this time.
long-time readers,
s & t
154. CrankMama said:
Ahh... the toddler waddle. I'd almost forgotten.. Now I'm going to rummage around and find the old vid of my dots.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time..... Depression is horrid. It really helps when you share your struggles... even though it may not be that super great on your end, it's a great inspiration to others suffering ...
Your life makes a huge difference.
Rachael
155. Jennifer said:
I read so many of the comments, suddenly, ten comments later than when I started. But all of what they say is true (except the idiots, of course); you are not alone, though I know when I was at my lowest I wouldn't believe that from anyone, much less a stranger from the internet.
Such an immense outpouring of positive vibes: surely the universe is feeling the Dooce love.
Thank you for all you share, for your honesty and humor and beautiful family.
156. jenlyn said:
i've seen through shades of gray before. it sucks a lot. i'm kind of there now. it does get better though.
and if there's an album to accompany you through it, it might be The Mysterious Production of Eggs by Andrew Bird.
157. joolieblue said:
Bless you for writing about all this. I'm raising my water glass and Zoloft in a toast to you, remembering when I told my doc years ago that my 'black holes' had turned into 'potholes'. Hoping the same for you, brilliant lady!
158. biscuitrat said:
I'm utterly inspired by your blog; your writing is amazing.
And as for George, have you never heard of the GOD DAMN 1ST AMENDMENT? If you send her something utterly off base and opinionated, she has every right to put it up. It happens all the time. In debate, it's called "evidence" She's proving a point, and by having a blog, she can. There's no real legal action she can take because she didn't mention your name so thanks for identifying yourself. A blog is supposed to be freedom of expression online and no one can take that away. If you want to try, I think just about the entire INTARWEBZ is going to wage war on you.
Besides that, you are a very sad human being for even thinking that someone's opinion is shit. If I weren't utterly afraid of your ignorance, I would probably say something a little more vehement than this: If you don't like it, don't read it. There's no need to attempt to pummel someone else's LIFE because you don't like it. You have absolutely no right, authority, or freedom to do that and say it was justified because we're all human - we all have flaws (does it really take a 16 year old to say this?). Dooce just manages to find the sunshine behind each one , and often that sunshine comes with a pair of bouncing happy ponytails.
Dreadfully sorry about the rant and the stupid people. Keep being spiffy :)
159. Piglet said:
How very precious. A love between children and parents is so powerful. I never knew I could feel love on that level. It can be quite overwhelming.
I'm rooting for you Dooce, and I can identify so much with your story. Peace.
160. Lori said:
There is nothing better than seeing joy on your child's face! You are a good mother, Heather!
161. katherine poste said:
I was talking to my best friend who loves your site as much as I do which is amazing. I knew she was hooked when she emailed me one day asking if I'd seen some adorable picture of Leta. She doesn't even like kids all that much, but we adore yours - and Chuck. Chuck is the love of our lives next to our own dogs. Anyway, we were discussing over the weekend how terrible we felt for you having both been through some soul sucking depression ourselves. We both feel all somehow protective of you against these hateful people who send you terrible emails and hope you feel better soon. Know that massive healing thoughts are coming at you from Capitol Hill and Sunnyside in Salt Lake City.
162. kat said:
So sorry to hear that your depression has returned, and with vigor. I love what you do, funny & cynical, or sad & scared, you're a great writer.
Along with thousands of others, your writing is a part of my everyday. And even if you need to stop for awhile, we'll be here when you're ready to return.
Sending you good, supportive vibes...
163. onegirlmanyideas said:
its funny how we can stockpile the praise we receive without much regard, and then one little criticism can shatter it all. every illusion of personal grandeur is decimated and dashed into a billion pieces. if you need to, you can borrow my dustpan. it has plenty of experience with picking those pieces back up.
hope this finds you feeling fine.
Polly
164. superblondgirl said:
I've just found your website in the past couple weeks and I have to say I freakin' love it - your pictures, your ramblings, the lists... all just awesome. And the Andrew Bird thing, wow am I jealous! I'm dying to see him because I heard what a great show he puts on and I love him anyway. I can't see the Leta video, but I can definitely see all the cuteness of her in the still. Thanks for brightening my day with your blog! (Man, that is SO CHEESY. I'm sorry to bring that much cheese to your blog. Hopefully you're a Velveeta fan.)
165. bobbarama said:
Leta is so adorable. She's the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your love for your family.
The thing I hate most about your blog, though, is that you're so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!
(smile)
166. Gooly said:
True confession: Around my house, you are referred to as "my friend in Utah that I've never met."
Thanks for your brave honesty and snarky humor and for sharing your wonderful family with us internetters... that video made me weep a little. Not the best birth control, that Leta!
Hang in there and take good care of yourself... I'm sending antidepressive energies your way.
167. bobbarama said:
Leta is so adorable. She's the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your obvious love for your family.
The thing I hate about your blog, though, is that you're so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!
(smile)
168. Sara Tibbs said:
She forgot all about that game when she saw you, and when Jon ran up to her, she thought "Dude - don't block the path. I see Mommy!" LOL Isn't that wild!?
My son turned 7 this year, and when staring down at him while he sleeps, the second thought I have after "How the hell did this happen?!" is "Look at that angel baby!" Yup, even after seven years and telling them to pay attention to you for like, the trillionth time, they are still your babies. I just wanted to tell you that. ;)
Oh, and also? Don't mind the asshats. They'll reap what they sow.
169. Maria P. said:
Aw man my comment just disappeared! poof!
Anyway when the video loads sometime next year I'm sure it will be adorable. :)
170. Maria P. said:
Oh and we all feel like jumping sometimes. That is what makes parenting exciting. :P
171. anna maria said:
How is it that something so simple can be so beautiful and touching? It gave me goosebumps. You chose the perfect music for that perfect moment.
172. charlotteotter said:
I've been reading your blog for months, but this is the first time I've commented. That film of your baby running towards you, ponytails bouncing, shouting "Mama" and giggling, brought me to tears. When I have bad moments (often), it takes a cuddle of fat baby arms around my neck, or listening to one of my daughters laugh, or the velvety feel of my son's bald head, for me to feel better. Good luck with your healing process.
173. anam Stubbington said:
right there with you girl! my little one is the only thing that keeps me from walking away becuase there are days i feel hubby would be better without me etc etc nothing fixes he sore heart and head like a child hug - unconditional love is a fantastic gift.
174. 72feetabovesealevel said:
Count me as one of the people who ejoys what you do and would miss it if you were to stop.
175. Chantel said:
There are really no words that can pull you out of where you're at. But this video of your beautiful girl shows that you have light and love and you will get better.
176. TxSuzyQ said:
I really wish I had some words of comfort for you. I understand my own depression to some degree, sometimes, but I'm not sure what it's like for others. Just know you aren't alone and that we are cheering for you to make it through! Let Leta be your guiding light. That seems to be working for you! She sure is a beauty. Thanks for sharing her with us and for sharing your creative talents with us as well.
177. dm said:
I've been visiting your site for a while. always worth reading. I came home from the bar(s) a bit tipsy and the video made me laugh out loud. cheers!
178. Claire Phipps said:
I think that just maybe, the fact that I burst into tears watching that probably says more about my mental health (or lack of it), that your posting says about yours. What I mean is, you're not alone and by reading your blog, I know that neither am I.
Thank you for sharing your world with the Internet, I'm forever grateful. :)
Take care,
Cx
179. Billygean.co.uk said:
Dooce,
Wow look at all these comments.
Suffice to say, I can't really add much. My father was/is depressed for a few years after my parents divorced and I can't imagine going through what I saw him go through.
Keep going, plodding, and it will get better.
Also your wingspan comment the other say made me spit my coffee out (well, not really, who can't control their swallowing reflex?), but it was v funny. Your arms are very long and skinny (like mine) so I empathise. Brilliant writing, is what I'm trying to say.
BG
180. Birchsprite said:
Take care and love yourself.... we all love you too!!
181. God'sNightgown said:
I'm sorry you're suffering. You're a truly gifted communicator through your words and pictures. I feel certain the people in your life think you're an amazing daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. Please be kind to yourself.
And this video was beautiful.
182. blucollar10940 said:
Hi there.
I have become a huge fan and just want to leave my two cents, for what it's worth.I haven't looked at the video at this time, but I will. Your daughter is just beautiful and she reminds me of my daughter as a little girl. Samantha was a joy as a child, and I really did not appreciate the time I had with her at that age untill the fateful " no daddy, I don't want to see Beauty and the Beast with you ", and thus ended child hood.
You are very lucky to have the sort of life style that you have at this point in your life. Don't let one day go by without giving that little girl a hug, and a great big kiss to your other half.
Enjoy your life Heather. :)
183. alizarai said:
Heather- Thanks for sharing your life with us. I love, love, love your letters to Leta. It's inspiring to me as a new mom. The love you two have for her is so apparent. Keep on, I know you can. And the video? Is adorable!
184. mrsderusha said:
my favorite part? When she runs into you at the very end. The total and unadulterated love is so very evident.
Bliss, I believe, is what it's called. How amazing it is to be someone's bliss.
185. Di said:
I have been thinking about you the past several days after your letter to Leta. I am happy to hear that you received supportive e-mails (interspersed with the occasional maniac). There is a solution...you will find it...and the dark cloud will be a memory that you will be in some strange way happy you had, but happier still that it is gone.
If you are a volcano...go ahead and erupt! Your fans, friends and supporters will happily wade through the lava (eeeuuuuwww...that metaphor kind of lost it at the end).
186. milkmaid said:
So darn sweet and a perfect reason to rise and shine daily.
187. Megan said:
Sometimes I think I'm getting a glimpse into the dark world you're trying to stay out of. I still don't think I have a clue what it's like, but if it's at all like what I fear it is, then it's very painful and hard.
Your wonderful wry humor, I think, is a great weapon against it and your family is another. You seem to know what you need to focus on in order to bring yourself back to where you want to be. I think you'll do it and all will be good and bright again. I hope it happens soon.
188. alanson-rachel said:
I love her cuffed jeans and wild hair... growing up isn't about tight braids and mommy and me dresses...
189. Cassie said:
Heather, vent! That's part of what you made this place for!
I can't get the video to work either, which makes me sad, but I know it's a wonderful shot of your beautiful daughter.
Kids have this way about them that makes life so much easier. I can't wait to have my own :)
190. meredith said:
Hey, Do you want to come over for a glass of wine?
191. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Even a blackhearted bitch like me can't help but think that video is ADORABLE. Her laugh has got to be a great Band-Aid for your soul, too.
I've been lucky. When I went out on a limb and blogged about my depression, the worst response I got was someone suggesting that I just need to busy myself with a job (already have one), because then I'd be unable to ponder my bleak existence as I'd be too busy asking if she wanted fries with that. Sure, that's it - a job at McDonald's would TOTALLY improve my self image and outlook on life. Not to mention the added bonus of hot grease splatter.
192. thleen said:
Hey Heather.......
Great video and post.I enjoy your blog daily and have learned alot from you.
I hope all these positive comments help you to find
some peace in the madness.
I think you are an amazing writer and photgrapher and mom and wife and daughter and friend and sister and cousin and , of course, wonderful manager for CHUCK.
You rock, girlfriend! Don't you forget it.
193. jessiker said:
I enjoy your humor and insight so much more than you'll ever know! You are a bright spot in my otherwise dull day and don't you dare go jumping off a roof! Too many times I have read your journal and thought, "We should hang out with them...they're just like us!". Thank you, Heather, for keepin' on. You're a wonderful mama and you have a beautiful family. You go, girl.
194. at said:
you should totally read this given your feelings about crocs http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2006/10/fugio_batali.html
have a good day,
a.t.
195. Venting to Stay Sane said:
I just spent the last two weeks at work reading through your archives and I thought I would echo what everyone else is by saying that I love your site, and your writing, and that, yes, Leta is the most adorable kid ever. I hope that by adding a positive comment it makes your day just a little bit better.
Your honesty about your struggle with depression has given me a new insight and understanding and I hope I've been able to be a better friend to those in my life who also suffer from this disease, so for that, thank you.
196. mrsjennylynn said:
Heather, hang in there babe! A good therapist is gold, and better living through chemistry and all that. You're a strong person (getting help takes a LOT of courage) a great mom and wife (the Mormons would be so proud), and one hell of a writer. So lots of us have faith in you.
197. April-Lyn said:
I don't have Quicktime here at work, so I'll have to wait until I get home to watch the video. But thank you in advance; you have a beautiful daughter, and she is lucky to have a mom who loves her so much. Seeing her smile always makes me melt a little.
I hope that this passes soon so you can go back to feeling like your old self. You have a big heart, and with that comes the potential to feel great sorrow and bleakness. But know that I and all your readers are rooting for you. I wish I could give you just a fraction of the joy that you give to us with your writing, or at least ease some of the pain.
Oh, and a big SCREW YOU to the haters. Why are people so mean? Even if they don't like your writing, there's -never- an excuse to degrade your fellow human beings, and they should be ashamed of themselves.
198. Jenny said:
Leta is such a doll!
Sending all youse Armstrongs my admiration and love - you will get through this. And I've got a few nominations for pedestrians to run down, too.
199. Nancy said:
Leta is just beautiful and that video is adorable. My 12-year-old daughter and I love your blog and feel like Chuck and Leta live next door.
200. Andrea-cat said:
Heather, I recently re-found (yeah, I know that's not a word) your blog/website and really admire you for being so honest on the internet. I, too, have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my adult life and had one of my worst "episodes" when I lived in Salt Lake City (is it something in the water)? I thought that I would feel miserable and terrified and all sorts of horrid feelings forever. With the help of family, my fiance (now husband), a new puppy, the wonderful pharmaceutical industry, and a fantastic therapist, I made it through. You have a darling daughter, a great mind, and a fantastic artistic vision. I wish you all the best...
201. Moojoo said:
Awesome! John and I sound exactly alike or pretty close. Maybe he is my lost semi less evil twin? Leta is beautiful! Think we can arrange a marriage between our kids?
202. Lukku Cairi said:
Depression - you know, if you live long enough, it gets better. This speaking as someone who spent two years without the willpower to even plan a suicide (I was waiting for a lucky meteor to come strike me dead as I lay festering in my own bed). I'm glad nothing did me the favor. These days, I'm mostly sane, and if not actually "normal," at least "functioning." Better living through chemistry? What's it like to have so many people love you so much?
I got a receipt the other day at Smith's. At the top, it stated "Your cashier was GAY." I didn't think they allowed that kind of thing in Utah ;-)
203. Tracy aka Fuzzball said:
That darling giggle is absolutely priceless! **hugs to the Armstrongs**
204. smoov said:
Heather, I totally get the need to have these good moments saved up for review on the bad days! When my twins (who are now 4) were babies, I was in a bad place. It was hard to be home with two demanding babies all day, and I often wondered how much damage I was doing to them...did they know that I longed to escape? Turns out they didn't and they totally love me, no matter what and that is the stuff that we stressed out moms have to remember! Love to you and your family.
205. Judilyn said:
Hi Heather and Jon - I don't have any advice, but want you to know that I enjoy reading both of your sites, and check them every day for updates. Hang in there.
The world would be the poorer in your absence. There are far too few people in the world who know how to use words in the clever way you do. You are definitely an inspiration to many.
My "little one" will be 43 years old tomorrow, and seeing your pictures and words about Leta bring the happiness of his young years back to me. I have lived in another part of the country for more than twenty years, and the thought occurred to me last night that I have been away from him for more years than I was with him.
I've missed his whole young adulthood. We always think it sad to have missed one's childhood years, but looking back, I see that the next two decades could have been just as rewarding, and they are now gone forever.
Stay off the roof! ;->
Judie
206. madge said:
Toddlers are an amazing Catch-22. That they can make you climb up on the roof to end it all and be the exact reason you don't jump is mind-blowing. You + Jon + Leta are one powerful cocktail. You'll make it better together.
Oh, and sunflower nuts makes me think of sunflower testicles. So, I'm afraid that might be a flawed theory.
207. Erin said:
for what it's worth... my mother had a nervous breakdown and spent 6 months in a hospital after her divorce with my father. 12 years later she was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, severe manic depression, and OCD (we always had a VERY clean home). The point i'm trying to get at is that i was raised by an unmedicated, uncounselled, and hardly educated woman. But y'know what, i still love her to death, and to this day (even after all the grief she put me through) I would do anything for her. You're worried about the unnecessary (sic?) yelling that occurs... I've been talking my mother out of suicide from the age of 8 years old, until her diagnosis when i was 19. Now a qualified counselor handles that. Like the old adage goes "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... Leta has a strong foundation, much stronger than I ever had... i'm not overly worried for her, you shouldn't be either. Good Luck.
208. edith said:
hey heather
sometimes i visit your site when i feel lonely, and i feel less lonely when i leave.
209. M to the D O Double G said:
Heather,
You are an inspiration to the significant but largely unnoticed depressive population, or those who rely on the little blue pills (the blue ones have worked much better for me than the yellow - it must be something in the dye, no?)
Thanks for helping "normal" people understand that even the most talented and wonderful people can be crippled without cause or blame by this horrible disease.
~MDogg
210. Momish said:
I hope the cloud lifts soon. Your writing and honesty is an inspiration to me and so many others. Unfortunately I couldn't get the video to work :( I will keep trying though, because just seeing Leta run is something that matters to me, thanks to you and all you have shared!
211. redsaid! said:
You can't please all of the people all of the time, and those who can't be pleased should move along and keep their nasty thoughts to themselves. I read your blog daily and with pleasure, because you are smart, funny, and gosh darn-it... people like you!
212. Leah said:
I've been reading your blog for a short period of time now, but I wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you....I also want you to know that you are a wonderful mom and that your depression doesn't take away from Leta.
My own mother suffered from a myraid range of mental illnesses but she didn't care that what she did and how she acted adversely affected me. The very fact that you worry that your depression affects her is a sign that it will not, in the long run, hurt her. It will probably make her stronger. And for you to be living on, and taking care of yourself, is a great lesson for her.
Hugs!
213. Ang said:
Hang in there, Dooce. And write away, even if you don't post it-- sometimes that's all it takes is an outlet.
214. the13thapostol said:
Yes, we are crazy mamas. And yes, we love our children fiercly. It's so f-ing painful, i know. and i don't know how we do it some days...but we do. I'm certain if it weren't for my "Mer-boy" I'd have died in the projects with a needle in my arm. Running the gamut from eating disorders to chemical dependency, compulsive spending...it's all part of the deal. a woman doesn't write like you "just because", and you aren't "sick" Heather, you are blessed. I read your life, and think, "She's living my dream, how fucking cool" You are doing every day, what I dream of doing. I see what you have accomplished and it keeps me from giving up, gives me hope. If I work hard, write well, speak my truth, then maybe...
We have lived with these "demons" our entire lives, compartmentalizing each little issue. It all changes when we have babies. memories come into focus, which had previously been a blur. don't let this shit consume you. you are a gifted writer, a passionate artist, woman, and mother. I'm grateful you share your life with all of us, but you have to take care of yourself and your family too.
warmly, Apostol
215. Tiggerlane said:
Heather - You CAN make it thru. I KNOW it. But it must be terribly difficult. I watch my husband suffer from depression, and it breaks my heart. I don't know how to help - sometimes I don't know what to say.
But I know that our daughter is the one thing he loves more than anything, and reminding him daily of her love for him seems to help get him thru. And she is a strong person, and recognizes that sometimes her daddy isn't the strongest - but she loves him anyway, and still runs to him when she needs her "protector."
So keep focusing on Leta. Her love for you is SO CLEAR.
Hang in there - and don't give up!
216. Caitorade said:
immediately went to amazon.com to check out andrew bird, as had not heard of him. NOW IN LOVE. thanks!
217. monkeyaker said:
As for all this "seed"-"nut"-"testicle" talk...now I'm starting to feel bad for Mr. Peanut. Is that just a cruel nickname for his junk?
And why am I thinking about the size of Mr. Peanut's junk?
Why?
Because I'm on Dooce.com. That's why. And that's why I'll come back.
218. MelanieinOrygun said:
I first found this site about a year ago, when someone told me about this thing they call a "blog." I did a quick search to see some of them in action, clicked on your link, and was hooked. I've come back to read daily since.
And I am not going to be a sappy sap sap sapperson, except to say that if the Internet makes your day brighter, I am positive you bring smiles to faces all over the Internet. So it's a fair trade.
219. MandyJo said:
One of my favorite things to do when I meet a new person who is cool and literate and worthy - is to share this site with them. I've been reading it for a LONG time, and more than once I have thought that you must be the most clever, most gifted, most funniest person in the whole world. Thank you for sharing your life. I have been in that swirling vortex of belly crawling, self loathing depresson more times than I care to recall, and I'm sure I will be there again. You remind me that I can still be me and still be funny, smart and oh so talented while wanting to throw myself off of a bridge. It will pass (And believe me I know that's a long haul and hard work, but it will pass)...and you will be you again...and I hope that happens really soon. Kisses to the world's most adorable child and 3rd most adorable dog (my 2 are 1st and 2nd place...lucky for Leta - I am childless.) Sending every good thought your way.
220. mainer74 said:
Thank you! Thank you for sharing your life with me a complete stranger ... Thank you for being honest about your life ... Thank you for making me laugh and cry ... Thank you for bright spot in my work day.
221. it's in your underneath said:
I am right there with you, Dooce. Folks that have no command of the English language have no business writing! Period! I feel like puncturing my eyeballs with a pen cap whenever I am forced to see crappy spelling or grammar. By the way, you spelled "reggae" wrong over there in the sidebar. Dammit! Sorry about that! I am telling the voices in my head to NEVER, but NEVER correct Dooce!! Thanks for a GREAT site. You rulz.
222. ihave2girls said:
Heather, hang in there. Depression is a wicked thing. You can't just get a test for it and then get some medicine to make it heal. As you know it's way more in depth. Staying focused on the good things (your baby girl)will help you way more than medicine will (or striking down some pedestrians). I've been on, my anti-psycho meds - as I like to call them - for 13 years (minus the pregnancies). Keep your doctors working to find something that helps. We had to contact the Mayo Clinic to finally find something that worked for me. My 2 year old looks so much like Leta, she has since birth. Cora was born 2/14/04. I've been reading you since about that time when my SIL got me hooked on you during my maternity leave. You are a brilliant woman. Don't ever doubt how important you are to the world! We need you!!!! Lots of love to you!
223. ihave2girls said:
Sorry for the lack of needed paragraph. Doh!
224. Twinkie said:
I know how it is to fight these battles... I've been through it twice and no one has ever described my feelings the way you did. It just feels as if you'll explode from all the pressure building up inside of you, just trying to appear "normal" and not make people around you worry.
Why is it that almost everybody thinks that we're weak, when it's just all the contrary? Facing your feelings just makes you stronger.
225. LoRi~fLoWer said:
I'm sure my comment will get lost among all these well-wishers, but I wanted to add that I'm rooting for you. And also that if you felt like you needed to take some time off from posting, that would be ok too. You don't owe us anything. (Although I love reading your writing!) All the best!
-Lori
226. manduca said:
damn, that video is painfully cute. and when the slow mo part started, i thought, no, it wasn't that cute, there's no reason for slo-mo. but there was! and i was all, internal heartstrings. dear god! you must stop!
other thing: before getting in the car to run pedestrians over 1) get a cow catcher (although that may impede your future legal defense, suggesting pre-meditation, although i think you're already screwed there), and 2) go to jamba juice and ask for the wheat grass juice. making it is a miserable experience. they always make the newest empoyee do it. they have to cut the grass by hand, with a knifey thing. then they have to grind it. you don't actually have to drink the stuff (my friend likens it to the taste in your mouth after you fell off your bike and hit the lawn face first), but it's only a buck and you get to watch/cause human misery.
i'm now on 3 different psych meds - my persistent depression has me switching meds pretty frequently. it sucks, but i'm on a great combo now and i've got a psychiatrist whose goal is for me to be well, rather than just not suicidal. good luck with it, and if it's at all helpful, let me encourage you to try to get the most out of meds.
227. emery jo said:
thank you.
228. Jennifer Johnston said:
She's just too cute! Hoping you're having more good days than bad.
229. violetgirl said:
Big hugs to you, Heather!! I've been reading your blog 4-eva and I wanted to let you know that no one else makes me laugh or tear up more. I especially love your newsletters to Leta. You have bightened my life and have made my own struggles with anxiety/depression a bit more bearable through your amazing entries. I hope that you are feeling all of our virtual support. You have people all over the country who care about you. Please don't hesitate to share what's going on if you feel that would help. If you choose to keep it private, know that is okay too. I'm sending many warm thoughts to you and your family. P.S. Leta is ADORABLE!!! You can just tell how happy and well-loved she is. You are doing a great job.
230. nrkii said:
I've just recently found this blog, and have spent a good deal of time reading through the archives -- it's that good!
Your writing is wonderful.
Keep passing open windows.
231. rockr girl said:
heather = brave
me = grateful
and when that volcano erupts and spews forth is venom, we will all be here to listen. some of us will understand & empathize, and most of us will love you through it. and the meanies can just piss off.
232. dingdongditch said:
I remember my first colossal meltdown occurring at age 15. FOLLOWING my month-long hospitalization for depression, mind you. A mere week after being sprung from the juvie wing, I accompanied my mother on a late night grocery jaunt and stole two tubes of lipstick. I was caught by security. She was baffled. I was baffled. We were all charmingly baffled. And then I proceeded to cry for roughly 20 days straight. Without stopping.
I've had repeat episodes, though none so extravagantly angsty. And every single time I awake in a bad mood, wave after wave of heart palpitations course over me because, more than death, I fear living miserably. And even more than the fear of living miserably is that this time, I won't come back.
It totally doesn't help to hear this, I'm sure. But I understand. It’s the rawest of fears, so much so that I have pushed aside things that most others would be afraid of because those things seem trifling and irrelevant.
Remember to breathe. It's an underrated accomplishment.
233. mommiemel said:
((Heather))
I've soooo been there. I know what's it's like when dying seems like a much better idea than to continue living. It's a sucky place to be.
A link that helped me once was http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/. And mostly, just the big red quote on that page. It's the one piece of information that has always stuck with me for some reason.
I wish you the best of luck as you walk the path this time. I hope it's shorter and less rocky for you now.
~Mel
234. MeAhna said:
FYI-Did you know that you have a group dedicated to you on myspace?
235. Kissyface said:
I don't know what this thing is that's been pressing in on you all year. I do know that it has been an exceedingly trying period for many people. This recent summer ranks as one of the most exacting eras in my life. I'm through that now, for now (let's not tempt the Fates).
But for you, Sweet, Lovely, and Comical Lady, let me offer a word of unsolicited advice. I struggled with anxiety and depression from at least the age of ten until my late twenties, when I was finally properly diagnosed and convinced to become a resident of the planet Zoloft. This sojourn lasted a mere two years, after which time I weaned myself from the Rx. I cannot overstate the profound effects of this SSRI on my life. I think it was, in part, so effective because I abstained from other counter productive substances, such as alchohol.
After that, I moved into intensive Bikram Yoga (the hot, sweat buckets kind. It removes toxins from your body, and is so rigorous, you are too exhausted to be anxious.). Now I do Anusara, and more recently, when my anxiety resurfaced heavily while working on a bullshit reality TV show (nothing like Production to wreck your psychic health), I went for accupuncture treatment and those fabulously yucky Chinese Herbs.
In four $25 visits (if you go to a student clinic at a acc. school), they had me sleeping through the night without the shotgun blast 2am panic attack I was nightly experiencing. Back treatments had me walking out of the clinic so mellow I thought someone slipped me some heroin through one of the needles (not that I know what that really feels like).
The point is, these things do work. I'm not telling you to go off the Meds, you know best what you need at any given time. I'm just trying to say, there are people out here in the E World who care for you and are grateful for the humor and love you bring to our lives.
Finally, let me say, and I know this is dipshit hippy cornball schmaltz, but it happens to be true - live your life in love. Take the leap of faith and trust that the universe will provide. Sweep out the cobwebs of fear and mistrust, and not hurricane or IRS man or terrorist will raze your home. It will all just magically pass you by, even if it's only because you know everything will still be ok. I know this to be true, the more I am able to live it. I lost nearly every person I loved when I was still quite young, and this still happens to be the case. It is not easy, and most days we all forget to practice it, but like the rolling stone, the more you try, the momentum is created, and eventually you will prevail.
Be well, and keep writing. You are loved.
236. Miss Hass said:
Funny how someone else's adorable pigtailed little girl can totally make my gray, stressful, depressing day. Thanks.
237. Kristine said:
1. Your daughter brings me joy. I miss that age so much.
2. Dad Gone Mad is also having a relapse of the crazies (I got em' too, but meds have me mostly in control). I found it ironic that 2 incredibly wonderful people, who are incredibly funny, could be simulateously relapsing. Perhaps its the season.
3. I was driving down the main street of our town on Saturday, when my boyfriend says, "Look, up ahead, thats like a million points." There were like 20 bicyclists coming my direction.
I've got your back H. I have swords and stuff.
238. RebeccaB said:
There is nothing cuter than a girl in pigtails :)
239. Hamle Elme said:
Noooooooo!!! I can't view the Leta video! Quicktime doesn't like me. :o(
240. M@ said:
I regularly put nuts in my mouth and for that, I've been assured that I'm going to hell.
241. lisamaesc said:
All I can say is that I'm praying for you and your family. I've struggled with depression for a few years now and, unless you've been there, you don't understand. You seem to me (in reading your blog) to be a rather normal person. We all have chaotic lives and do things differently. THANK GOD!!!!! God made us all different. That was a very smart thing, don't you think?
242. Scott Murdoch said:
Whatever the stress that has brought back the depression, do write about it. Get it down, get it out. Be honest in your feelings about it, be acerbic and as you always are. And then post it, or don't post it. That doesn't matter. But write.
Remember that you are loved directly by your family and indirectly by all of us who can relate, who know the hopelessness. Hang on, hang on, hang on.
243. Shiz Shiz said:
Heather,
So sad for your recent experiences with the Same Old Fucking Thing (SOFTâ„¢). One of my great fears is that my loved ones will get TIIIIIRED of me ALWAYS going through the shit and never getting better, or not getting better for very long. I keep mental track of who I've told what and play a sort of "Can XYZ handle any more of this right now, or should I move on to someone else?" game, although thankfully there are a few people about whom I never have to ask myself that.
Anyhoo, it is my opinion that you can come here with the Same Old Fucking Thing any old time that you want to. It is all right by me, and by the looks of it it's all right by a few others, too.
Kick at the darkness, Heather. I'm cheering via the web.
244. Hamle Elme said:
Oh, and, now I feel like an ass because I just read through some of the comments and it seems like everyone EXCEPT me has picked up on the fact that you're feeling depressed. I really have no excuse for this. I did read the post and the ones before, but it just didn't click in my brain.
Soooo... having said that, I hope that you're able to get things worked out so you can start feeling better soon. Remember that you've got a husband and daughter that love you very much in spite of how you feel, AND you have loads of other people out there- family, friends, and strangers who wish they were your friends- that care about you and are hoping for your well-being. Take care, Heather!
245. Hamle Elme said:
Ahhh, I keep finding excuses to comment. Just thought of something that might help you feel a little better. It's the best video I've ever seen, and I laughed and cried my eyes out through almost the entire thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Okiee, I promise. I'm done commenting for now. :o)
246. Tim in Flyover Country said:
Heather,
I'm sorry there are jerks in the world that don't get your blog. Your blog is a breath of fresh air. Even though I don't always agree with you and Jon, I always make time in my day to read your blogs. You guys rock!!Thanks for sharing your life with the "dumb internet."
Tim
247. misstraceynolan said:
Earlier this year one of my best girlfriends who now lives in another city sent me the link to your blog. "You'll love her", she said "she reminds me of us". And you do. You're irreverant and fun and I love that. I also love how openly you speak about your love of your family. I check in with Dooce everyday and hope you're able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
248. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I tried posting yesterday but it wouldn't let me for some reason. Here's to hoping you feel better, and to hoping that people will cease and desist with their ridiculous behavior. I don't know why people think they can be so nasty, but I guess it is human nature for some. It certainly doesn't make it suck any less.
Best wishes.
249. Snickrsnack Katie said:
Just noticed that I actually did post yesterday - it just didn't show up right away! Sorry for the multiple entries!
Once again, I hope you feel better soon!!!
250. mkdaugherty said:
When I start sinking, I don't want to hear how loved I am, how important it is for me to hang on or, especially, how I'm looked to for inspiration, strength, etc. Then I feel like I have to keep others afloat, along with myself, and who wants that kind of pressure? But here I am, dishing some love your way: Count me among your many supporters who appreciate what you do on a daily basis. I wanted to personally thank you for sharing your struggle as a mother who continues to suffer from depression past the "accepted" post-partum stage some dolt annoyingly dubbed "the blues" - like it's a basket of puppies or something. Rock on, Heather.
251. Chair said:
I can't help thinking that a child with a great laugh like that has a good life. And that the world is a better place with Dooce in it. Thank you for sharing.
252. mkdaugherty said:
Oh, and that hugs video on You Tube posted by Hamle Elme above? Gave me goosebumps and made me cry as well. In the best way possible. Thanks!
253. hiko331 said:
You had me at Mylo.
http://thefirstecho.blogspot.com/
254. amymarie said:
I've read your site since I had my own baby 1 year ago. I've never commented (and went through the whole typepad sign in just to say this), but I can't get enough of that video. You are a gifted artist and I'm so thankful you choose to share your world with us.
255. Sun_Spot_Baby said:
Jeeze - for not liking your blog all that much, that lunkhead "George!" sure keeps up with reading it every day!! HA HA!!
Hang in there, Heather. The colors will come back into your life again. I remember when I had depression, I did not find comedy movies funny (i.e. "Sister Act") but when my colors came back, I rented the video and watched it again, and it was hilarious! So, too, will this come to pass for you.
256. Dianne Vogler said:
Hey Heather-
From one stranger to another . . .
The thing about motherhood that I will never understand is that the very thing you live for is the thing that most makes you want to poke your eyes out every day.
I send good vibes your way - thanks for sharing your honest thoughts!
257. creak said:
Hi Dooce,
My depression has returned. Knowing I'm not the only one going through this right now helps. Please keep writing.
258. lisa said:
You should not regret for an instant admitting that watching this video will make you feel better. Watch it a thousand times if you need to. A million. Until the play button wears out. Leta is the light of your life and it looks like you need a little light right now. Not long ago, having just been left by my (ex)husband, feeling depressed and terrified, my heart decided it was literally broken and began behaving in an alarming fashion. A cardiologist stuck a monitor on it for a few days. When we looked at the read-out, we saw that the moment I picked Jackson up from school my heart began to beat normally again, and stayed that way until I dropped him off at his dad's house or when he went to bed. When you're feeling like this you can't always be the mother you want to be, but the love you obviously have for your beautiful child is a powerful and wonderful thing. It infuses every post you write, every picture, every video.
259. becaru said:
October is a tough month for depression from my experience...something about the days shortening triggers it, I suspect.
I hope that you can conjure up that feeling of coming out on the bright side as you did years back.
Best to you.
260. catnip said:
Heather, I'm just dropping by quickly and don't have to time to read the preceding posts, so if anyone hasn't suggested this, please check with your doctor to see if you need a higher dose of your antidepressant or need to switch to a different one. Or just try a higher dose on your own. As a "user" myself I've found that that both solutions have been required over the years. You do sound depressed, seriously so, even on the antidepressants, so it doesn't sound like they're doing their job. I sincerely hope the source of your stress, whatever it is, will be shortlived.
261. Susan Miller said:
I really don't know what to write but felt that I must. Your pain is evident and I do hope the writing assists you in releasing at least some of it. All the cliches go through my mind of what I could say...what I could suggest, but it would be empty because I'm not there. Only you are. The deal has to be that we all must be our own greatest heroes and our staunchest allies for if not then we are surely our own worst enemies. My heart goes out to you and your suffering...may you soon know so much more than you can see now.
262. samantha said:
I, too, think of you as a dear friend whom I've never met..
Take it from me as a formerly housebound agoraphobic.. the days get better. There will be bad days, but with that precious laugh and your family's love, and the whole host of people like me who feel for you, think of you, and yes, even cry for you, Heather..
You can do this. We believe in you.
I've read you for years.. I remember catching a link from someone, I can't remember who.. "Heather had her baby!" So exciting.
Thank you for sharing with us.. you've captured our hearts, we'd like to help you heal yours.
263. deeryluv said:
I found Dooce just months before Leta was born and everytime you post your monthly letter to her I'm amazed -- that I've been reading for so long, that she remains so beautiful, and that I've been trying as long as she is old to get pregnant and haven't been able to yet. (choke) Your site breaks my heart open. (whisper: I want that too.) You are SO blessed. Thanks for sharing.
264. Lori said:
Every day I get and go to work to study depression. Every thought on the millions who suffer. I wonder out loud in my office sometimes, "Hey, who wears their ribbon?" Why can't the world just get it? If breasts and ovaries and prostates can break, so can brains.
There are many of us researching. Many. We pray for you. We worry for you. We wish your families and friends strength. We wish you endurance while we work. We hope. Every moment, without ceasing, we hope.
And thank your for sharing your story and your life with us Heather. My first year of motherhood would have been so isolating had you not shared your truth with me. Kindest Wishes and Prayers, Lorgey
265. electricboogaloo said:
Heather your photo for today - wednesday, the tree - is stunning. And I'm a picky pain in the photography ass. I see something full of hope and fear and beauty reaching up through the empty air to reach the blue sky. I'm an art jerk, right? But really. Gorgeous work.
Thinking of you.
266. mg said:
Thanks for showing me (us, really) a whole new way to look at the world. I will keep you close in my thoughts. My lil pookie-sister and I have secretly adopted y'all into our family, and we gossip about how much we like you on the phone.
Lil' pookie gave me the best compliment last week. She looked a a photo I had taken and told me it was very Dooce-like. I beamed.
We're behind you, Heather.
267. Shelli said:
Damn! I wish my "little old mac" wasn't so gosh dang slow - I heard everything, and then saw it in a stilted, almost "dial up" kind of way...
But the sounds MELTED ME.
I so get this mother hood thing - it's pretty amazing.
268. becky said:
just seeing her run (waddle) after all you all went through is awesome. and her laugh? i wish you could bottle it because it put a smile on my face.
did someone already ask what music that was on the video? i liked it.
still wishing you better things through all of this. depression is an ugly monster. i'd like to kick it in its sunflower nuts.
269. Pioneer Woman said:
She be cute.
And who's that unruly seed/nut/germination emailer? I want him/her to come over to my house and make me laugh some more.
270. butterfrei said:
H -
100% of the time I tell people who ask that I do not like children, want children, or want to be married and have a family. 90% of the time I believe it's true.
And yet...I come here almost every day, loving your stories and thoughts and experiences. Videos like this one kill me. It makes me smile and believe in good things. Ususally, I also cry - but that is the 10% which recognizes my own depression for the soul sucking bastardness it is and how it affects my every cynical thought.
Don't be hard on yourself for a bit of yelling or even mega grouchiness or anxiety. Trust me, there are far worse things for a child to experience - such as non-communicatative, chilly, unemotional, demeaning parents.
You have created and are part of a loving family, and that makes all the difference. Leta is very happy - clearly seen in her gigling eyes and breathless "Hi Mommy" greeting. Then there are those sweet mushy nuggests peppered throughout Blurbomat. ech! It's enough to make me green with want and belie my claims of no kids and marriage...so, give yourself a break. Be well. You deserve all your happiness and joy.
Thanks for sharing. It makes a difference to those who love to visit here.
271. Kay said:
Your husband has a very kind face and your daughter is the cutest girl with the sweetest laugh; trust that your family will be your rock, and don't forget to find the little things that put a smile on your face. Wishing all the best for you and yours.
272. minxlj said:
Thanks for sharing the video - although I don't suffer from depression now (I have had mild occurrences in the past) there are days when you just need cheering up, you know? Or you need a distraction from the mind-numbing boredom of work, something like that :-D And photos of your lovely Chuck, or the enigmatic Leta, do just that. They put a smile on my face, and I don't give a shit what the dumb part of the internet thinks - I LIKE IT.
("Sometimes the Internet can be so dumb that it makes you want to carve your brain out with a ladle" - CLASSIC QUOTE!!!!!)
273. Deb Sawyer said:
I'm pulling for you too. I've struggled with depression my entire life. My previous way to treat it was to drink every day until I passed out. Rehab kind of ended that way of life (thankfully) so know I'm trying new things like little blue pills called Wellbutrin. They seem to be helping.
And Leta...well, she's amazing. Simply amazing.
274. Ranger said:
Said it at Blurbomat and am saying it here, about you two. "I like the way they write."
That must be what made me go back to the beginning (or as far as was possible) and read every archived word. Jon is right, you have a voice that is just so individual and pulls the reader inside. Not exactly a verbatim quote, but close.
Courage, Mama.
275. Deb said:
Adding my voice here to those who suffer with you due to my own fucking depression and the oncoming winter filling me with mind numbing fear of another lost season. My hopes for us both are that knowing we are not alone and what helps you may help me and vice versa. Thanks for making me laugh, even when I didn't want to!