I Am So Not Kidding About This
So there's this dog in the neighborhood. And this dog is a pure bred adult male who still sports a rather large set of testicles.
This dog is named after the lead in a comedy series from the sixties, and I'd love tell you his name but the last time I talked about someone's dog on this website an anonymous person emailed the owner of that dog and told her that she should come to this website and see what an evil person I am.
So let's call this dog Beaver Cleaver. His name really isn't Beaver Cleaver, but for purposes of this story, we should all call him Beaver Cleaver.
It's important to note that we can't refer to him as just Beaver, because the dog's name is Beaver Cleaver. I have attempted to call the dog just Beaver on several occasions, and each time I was quickly scolded and corrected. The dog's name is Beaver Cleaver.
As I mentioned above, Beaver Cleaver still owns his reproductive organs and consequently has developed all the bad habits of a mature male dog, including but not limited to compulsively humping every dog it happens to pass on the sidewalk.
My dog recently happened to be one of those innocent and unsuspecting dogs, and while I'm fully aware that most dogs like to hump now and then, you have to understand that I once witnessed Beaver Cleaver humping air. Empty air.
So while Beaver Cleaver was recently humping my dog, Beaver Cleaver's owner sort of laughed, I think, with a snorting, pig-like grunt and said, "Beaver Cleaver, stop it. I don't understand why he does that," as if he were completely unaware of the gigantic sac dangling between Beaver Cleaver's legs.
And you know, that's fine, I don't mind that Beaver Cleaver and his owner are in complete psychopathic denial. But just then, just as Beaver Cleaver's owner gave that piggish snort, my husband mistakenly thought that our dog was making the noise, and explained to me, to Beaver Cleaver, to Beaver Cleaver's owner (the one who snorted), "Snort snort snort. He's snorting!"
Now, I know you're thinking, hey, innocent mistake. Perhaps Beaver Cleaver's owner sounded like my dog. And trust me, he did. The man snorted like a pig in heat. But a few minutes later while Beaver Cleaver was approaching climax somewhere over my dog's face, Beaver Cleaver's owner gave out another laughing snort, again wondering aloud, "I don't know why he does that."
And again, while I looked on in complete abject horror, my lovely, my wonderful, my extraordinarily dramatic husband wrinkled up his nose, made his body into an upright monster-pig, and snorted as if his life depended on creating the most life-like pig noise you've ever heard.
I think that it was during the fourth body-contorting snort that my husband realized, my God, the man made that noise, not our dog. The look I was giving him could only have confirmed his fears, because I was looking at him like, "Dude, I know I married you and all, but snort one more time and I think I might throw up."
And then, well, then... it all happened in slow motion, you know. Or it seemed like it happened in slow motion. It was like that part in Making the Video where they're filming the "club scene," and the colors are all super-saturated, all yellow and orange and burning gold, and in what seems like four minutes of film the camara pans across two glistening women, slithering in rhythm, popping out of their hot pants. Except in this instance the two glistening women are two panting dogs, one ejaculating hot canine semen in a rainbow arc above the other dog's head.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. ME said:
A missed money shot! Egad! I hope the Beav can go another round. If not, I'm sure they can fix it in post-production.
2. Jen said:
OHMYGOD!
Please, please, please tell me your joking.
3. dooce said:
i am so not kidding about this.
4. Dyanna said:
Oh. My. God. That is just so wrong!
5. Chad said:
At least confirm the the offending fliud missed the honorable Senator's head.
I hope at least DJ Blurb pulled a Clint Eastwood and dove in front of the Senator to save him from harm...
6. Sarah B. said:
I am so not kidding when I say that I just laughed so hard, I snorted. For real.
7. the blurb said:
The former congressman was luckily spared a messy clean up. Husband's tail also between legs.
8. Sour Bob said:
You slay me. You literally slay me. I'm dead now. My life has come to an end in a bizarre seizure of snorting and laughter. I'm dead now and it's all your fault.
9. kusta said:
i believe i've never reacted so strongly to the word "hot" as when reading that last sentence. ahem. incidentally, was it as good for Chucklesworth?
10. Sarah B. said:
Okay, I've been thinking about it, and I'm putting my money on Ralph Malph.
11. Ismat said:
I did not think it was physically possible for me to laugh that hard after a stream of shitty personal events. But you did it.
And I'm with Sarah B. on this one, it's Ralph Malph all the way.
12. Daniel Talsky said:
Omigod. Dooce is so back. I have been longing for a Dooce with comments forEVA.
13. ed f said:
wonderful story. chuckled loud enough for people to crane their necks over their monitors to see what i was chuckling about. GET BACK TO WORK, PEOPLE! (sometimes it pays to be the boss).
14. MVS said:
What a story. I was right there. Word for word. I don't know if I wanted to be, but I was. Thanks for the biggest laugh I'll have all day.
15. michel v said:
Errrr, if your dog is being randomly humped by another dog, shouldn't you just take your dog away from the horny dog ? Especially if it's mistaking your dog for a blow-up doll... :)
16. Jim Jones said:
that the sixties comedy series lead is Ricky Nelson.
17. dooce said:
Ralph Malph it isn't. Ralph Malph would pass as ironic or emo or post-modern. This dog's name, it's just like, huh? And you were smoking how much crack when you decided it would be a good idea to do that to your dog, to name it *that* as if anyone would think, yeah that's funny, i get it. well guess what, i don't get it. it's not funny and no dog, not even this one with the swollen testicular knobs, deserves to have this name.
18. Rickster said:
Uggh!! Sound like someone's doggie needs some Saltpeter. And I'm going with Bruce Wayne for the name!!
19. Rickster said:
On second thought, how about Dick Grayson??
20. Ariel said:
Dooce, do you have a literary agent yet? Because, with the spewed beverage on my monitor as my witness, I swear you need one.
21. dm said:
that's the *snort snort* funniest thing *snort* I've *snort* read in some *snort * time. Welcome back dooce, *snort* (i bet it's darrin stevens)
22. zach said:
Fucking hilarious. I used to know a freind who lived across the street from a bloddhound who had elephantitus of the nuts - and I'm not kidding about this.
23. FDFF said:
Freedom.
24. David said:
Thank goodness I work at home. Otherwise, my coworkers might have called 911 as I sat here convulsing with laughter.
25. colleen said:
oh my lawd! your poor dog! by the way, you need to post new pictures of said poor dog. poor dog!!
26. megchem said:
My freshman year in college my parents bought a dalmation (they already had one) and apparantly it had a humping problem. When i came home that summer i saw her(the dog) going at a porch couch cushion. So i said hey mom, what's up with your dog. She glanced and replied "I don't know what you're talking about"....hhmmff...how's that for denial.
27. Katrina said:
I'm so incredibly happy that you have returned!! My nights will no longer be so boring. I stumpled across your website last February right after my husband was recalled to Naval duty in the Persian Gulf for a whole freakin' year. Reading your website made me amorous and laugh in bed - two actions previously only attributable to my "man in the sand" (as he likes to call himself). I was also relieved to find another heterosexual woman who is aware of beautiful women. By the way, where are the photographs? Anyway, I really do enjoy reading your prose and am glad to see you back at it!
28. April Gem said:
Canine porn. Good gawd. Next thing you know, Beaver Cleaver will be calling your dog his bitch.
29. peggy said:
If it's Dick Van Dyke, Mr. Snortyface better not come around here, no sir. I'm just sayin'.
30. WebGirlie said:
Is it possible to go mentally blind due to mental images?
I don't know whether to laugh, cry, cringe, or grimace.
31. Fezboy! said:
My money is on arry-Lay ondello-May. *this way searches for [that name]+dog+money+shot don't find this page*
32. Kelly said:
Classic.
I'm putting my money on Mr. Ed.
33. Muraii said:
Two things:
(1) Dobey Gillis.
(2) So, I can't remember what site had you linked, but I came here and read everyone's comments and wondered what the hell the big deal was. I have found the big deal in the way that Charles Manson found his calling in life, in the way that Joan of Arc heard voices and knew their truth. I won't say welcome back, because I was never here before, but I count my blessings (as an atheist / agnostic / lethargist) that you've got your groove on.
34. Paula said:
So, but what did little Chuck think of all of this? My guess is that as we all grimace in shock and disgust, that he probably just went about his merry way as if this was normal. Dogs are good like that.
35. Kate said:
Beaver Cleaver is the perfect name for an overendowed dog.
36. Jake said:
Leave it to Beaver... I seriously hope its Dick Van Dyke. That would be sooo great.
37. drew said:
sorry to be off topic, but i just read that bootylicious made it into the dictionary :)
click my name for the story...
38. Lin said:
Lawdy, lawdy. I hope your dog is not permanently traumatized. Well, and you too.
39. Cyn said:
I'm guessing Gomer Pyle.
I was really trying to snort quietly in my little cube. I'm glad you are back! Congrats on the married thing.
40. Amstershiresauce said:
The Dooce is loose!
Rock!!!!
Speaking of the former senator, when are you going to post some pics? I think his public has been waiting long enough for visuals.
41. Lex said:
Lady, I don't know who you are and I didn't know your site even existed until a few days ago, but between this post and the one about the drill in the butt, I've decided you must be two of the 10 funniest people in America. Rock on.
42. Bill said:
I think we know who the alpha male is in the Owner-Beav relationship. Ward? Ward? Snort, snort!
43. gnome-girl said:
girl the past two days have been hell for me but after reading this I am thinking your poor dog has it a bit rougher than me right now :) Rock ON girl you made me laugh so hard I cried and my co workers are now thoroughly convinced I have completely lost it!
44. Tammie said:
Oh my gosh,that is hilarious !!
45. jen said:
you should introduce mr. beaver cleaver to www.neuticles.com
and they are also so not kidding
46. Rumbanik said:
Wickedly funny.
What did that snorting guy do in response to your husband snorting like him?
This story reminds me of someone I knew, who spent the night at another friendís, who owned a small dog. Apparently the dog was one of those horny types as well. He said heíd passed out on the floor (partying that night), and in the morning felt something hot and wet splashing on his face. The dog was ejaculating hot canine semen in a rainbow arc on his face.
Yay, morning money shot.
47. Michael said:
I agree with Ariel on this one. Get an agent!
Poor Chuckles, he probably just stood there in mock horror.
48. Chad2 said:
Oh my God, that is so -- It's Dobie Gillis, isn't it?
49. Melissa said:
I'm soooooo glad to see you're back. Really. Everyt thought about writing a book?
50. Todd said:
Ay Caramba! Somebody tell that tool his dog's name is so very unclever, his dog does that because it needs to get some, and godammit---- STOP SNORTING LIKE A PIG!
51. Kristen said:
Ewww. Why didn't you get your dog the hell away from there!
52. danny said:
hahaha. that had me cracking up. and.. then nearly vomitting. :D
53. BB said:
Jethro Bodine?
54. Igor said:
I definitely agree that you should get yourself an agent (but then we'll have to pay to read you page, I guess).
As for the dog thing... the image itself is funny enough but the way you write it it's like the world stopped until Beaver Cleaver got his rocks off. That would be taking things too far for me, I'm afraid. I'm thinking steel-tipped boot on an intersecting trajectory with big doggy cohones. Just to take his mind off my own dog you understand. Not that I don't like dogs, but if you happened to meet 5 dogs like him every time you were walking your own dog, you could spend a nice chunk of your life listening to people who "don't know why he's doing this". It would definitely bother me.
55. BTEZRA said:
could have video taped it, you know there are tons of people into cooky stuff out there
56. Todd said:
You're hot....I think.
57. Coyote said:
Beaver Cleaver's owner needs to peruse the following website. They are so not kidding. Now there is no excuse not to neuter. www.neuticles.com
58. The Mighty Jimbo said:
Stop...stop...I'm gonna pee....
Dooce. You are, without a doubt, the shit. You are my digital hero.