Having dated walking red flags
My friend, Maggie, recently had a book published. It's called No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog, and it's filled with suggestions (oddly, 100 of them) of things you could write a blog post about. I thought that a good way to celebrate her success with this publication would be the practical application of one of her ideas. So after reading the book -- a quick 122 pages that read exactly how Maggie speaks in person, as charmingly as humorously as if describing something unpleasant (maybe bone spurs, or four-hour erections?) as judiciously as possible to the President of the United States -- I went back and picked a suggestion that I hadn't ever used before. Today's blog post is written in response to Maggie's Idea Number 32: Break It Off.
"What are your relationship deal breakers? Some folks are annoyed if a date shows up ten minutes late. Others look for something weightier, like a felony record. Have you ever rejected someone over something that seems insignificant to your friends? Or do you have selective blindness for red flags?"
Only because this suddenly made me remember a certain guy who said to me on our second date, "You mean, you like elephants, too? I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL DESTINY!"
I don't even remember his name, not a single letter of it, but I remember telling him upfront that I did not want any part of a long-term relationship. His response was along the lines of, but I already called my mother in New Jersey! And she's knitting you a sweater! I went on a third date because he was a nice a guy, and I didn't think it was fair to tell him that I didn't want to marry him over the phone, although looking back now that is exactly what I should have done because he was so upset he wrapped his arms around my neck like a giant spider that wanted to eat my face off. For those of you who don't know, that is not the most successful way to say to a woman, hey, wait, aren't you being a little hasty?
I also dated a guy who said he couldn't bring himself to sleep with women who had big butts. I didn't take that stipulation very seriously because an ass is not a physical characteristic that I will ever possess, much like boobs or manageable hair. It wasn't until I realized that his aversion to butts was just Chapter One in his memoir The Innumerable Ways I am Out of My Fucking Mind, and by Chapter Four: I Cannot Bring Myself to Sleep With Women Who Have Vaginas, I knew that I had stumbled into the wrong section of the library, if you know what I'm saying.
There was the guy who was perfect in many ways, loved the right music, voted for the right person, said the most wonderful things when I most needed to hear them, and (and!) he was an amazing kisser. It was just all the stuff that happened after the kissing that made the relationship more and more difficult to rationalize, and here is where I experience a lot of hand-wringing for all my Mormon girlfriends who got married without ever having slept with their men. It's admirable, very admirable to enter into the covenant of marriage as a virgin, but what if smack dab in the middle of that first-night passion he starts quoting Al Pacino in Scarface? Or starts yodeling? Or says, "Do you mind if I turn on some Yanni?" IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. This is indispensable research you have to conduct, or else you're going to spend the rest of your life faking headaches.
And finally, the very good-looking blonde, athletic type who could fix things. He was the first guy I ever dated who could change a tire, and he was always offering to take care of the broken things around my apartment. When that sort of expertise comes into your life it feels like you're seeing a blue sky for the first time. Like, you mean I don't have to live with a shower door that won't close? I HAVE NEVER KNOWN SUCH BEAUTY. But then I had to go and ruin everything by asking him to open his mouth and form a complete sentence, by asking the very difficult, complex question of what he thought about homosexuality. He shrugged and said, "Homosexuals are stupid." Which, let's give him credit, is as educated and informed of an opinion as that of an eight-year-old in a coma.
What are your deal breakers?
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
301. Daphne said:
I once dated a guy who seemed really great... until I 'tested out the merchandise'. Henceforth, he was never again referred to by his first name within my circle of friends, but simply as "Bad in Bed."
Why, WHY are you flopping around like a dead fish? Why are your arms under my neck, yanking my head upward? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, because you're *not* accomplishing it!!
I found a great reason to end my relationship with Bad in Bed - I told him I was planning on moving to Korea - which I was not.
I agree with you 100% Heather, you need to take a testdrive before you buy. What if I had been stuck with Bad in Bed forever?
302. srah said:
#293 reminds me of another rule. Clearly I have all these red flags internalized, so when it comes time to make a list, I can't think of them.
One of the first things I told my boyfriend when we were talking about "going steady" (or whatever the kids call it these days): I will not tolerate public spitting.
303. nobledesign said:
Oh my god, I think saying "tally ho" is adorable.
304. Sarah said:
Ultimate deal breaker:
"Who's Morrissey?"
305. Kirsty said:
Honestly, probably my mother approving of them. Yeah, I know, it's really sad.
Other dealbreakers:
right wing
stupid
religious nutter (of any stripe)
patronising to women
doesn't like my art
doesn't like my kid
homophobic
overly needy (can cope with a little bit now and again but not all the damn time)
Fortunately I'm in a long term relationship so I'm no longer in the market, which is clearly just as well as I'm obviously fairly picky.
306. flyingbetta said:
guys who don't pay child support for their children, guys who can't talk without cursing every other word, guys who talk during movies, guys who don't have a tight circle of friends who are actually really cool, guys who can't spell or speak properly, guys who have sweaty hand shakes, guys who can't speak up for themselves or on my behalf, guys who can't put an ikea coffeetable together, guys who can't manage their bills, guys who get so drunk that they pee in their bed, (seriously) bad teeth, hideous laugh, guys who turn red with a little sun or a glass of wine. among others.
307. bobthedog said:
i once dated (and had a child with!) a manipulative drug addict that belived that selling drugs to his friends constituted an actual job; who refused to discuss marriage with me until the point where he declared he was going to do this massive deal and clear twenty grand and that then, and only then, we would get married, because he would be able to pay for all of it and prove to my parents he was a good dude.
i left him.
im seeing a guy at the moment who is sometimes overy effeminate and it drives me up the wall. occasionally he complains about the music that i like (totally i can understand not liking the same music i do, but if you come to my house then you either deal with the fact that you may have to listen to something you dont like or you DONT COME), and sometimes he makes offhand, mildly racist comments that i dont like.
i am not into touchy feely guys and will boot to the curb anyone who feels they have to be all over me more than like, half the time. i put this down to being a hermit for most of my life. i know it is kind of weird.
if you have controlling or 'overprotevtive' friends and/or family that tell you what to do and you listen.... goodbye.
i am not looking for a complete asshole because i hate people who are rude without reason but for the love of god, please grow some fucking balls.
also no:
- tapered jeans. you know the kind.
- jandals/thongs/whatever you call them.
and you need:
- a job.
- intelligence.
- to be able to dress yourself.
308. DominEditrix said:
I once threw out a now-well-known writer when he told me that a) I wrote better than he did, which shook his confidence - not something a Real Woman would do and b) Real Women gave up all to devote themselves to their Man. [As an example, he claimed that his mother had been a concert-level violinist, but never touched her instrument again after she married.]
The you-must-diminish-yourself-for-me thing just doesn't fly.
Other deal-breakers: Men who resent intelligent women, men who play games, men who don't bathe and men who don't see why one can't have dinner ready at 6pm just because one has a toddler, a full-time job and is going to school at night. I have dated all of the above.
309. Franko said:
I once broke things off with a girl who confessed she had had an iron deficiency as a child, and so had taken to scraping the flea poo off of the family pets and eating it.
It wasn't so much that she did this as a child. Children do strange things. But the fact that she would tell another human being this, rather than take this shameful secret to her grave where it belonged, unnerved me.
310. Donny said:
Women who buy authentic Louis Vitton purses, or other such name brand, expensive purses. Women who will spend several hundred dollars on a single pair of shoes. Women who talk non stop about very uninteresting subjects. Women who have a chip on their shoulder towards men. Women who want to do nothing but party. Women who smoke. Women who won't admit to mistakes they've made or feel like they need to impress me.
311. goddesschristine said:
#262 is my new hero.
312. seppukuqueen said:
Guys who try to convince me that I'd like anal, and then when told no, try to be sneaky about it. Like I've lost all feeling below my waist and won't notice. I know what you're trying, and if you move another millimeter, you're going to really miss that.
That and guys that like any entire Mars Volta song. It's not music after the first half, it's pretentious feedback, and I refuse to listen to it for the 6th time in a row.
313. seppukuqueen said:
It's not very openminded to dislike someone based on their political affiliation.
I go with music. Guys who want to be Eminem? Not hot.
314. gabrielavazquez said:
Men with really big penises.
315. Helen said:
In hindsight I'm pleased with my 20 year old self who fled a relationship with a guy who, three years in, said his only real goal was to try every drug out there. Even though I'd been talking about college since we met, he wistfully admitted he'd like me better if I dropped my ambition and was content to wait on him and his friends, and when he was ready to get married, would be happy to move into his family's little shack by the river. My next boyfriend was quite a bit more gung-ho career-wise, but maybe a little too gung-ho. After getting engaged he finally admitted no, he did not want kids, not one, ever. (And never did have them.) Also, when I asked if he ever thought about people after he saw them, or what they said, or tried to analyze it, he said, 'no, when I'm alone I don't think about people, I think about how things are put together, like clocks.' Both, deal breakers. Another thing I came away with, as someone said above...stingy people don't give emotionally either. And I've found that ogling other women and being really jealous go hand in hand more often than not. Oh well. It's chemistry, really that overcomes a lot of things you thought you'd never put up with--I've been married now 17 years to someone with some objectionable qualities, but so far, so good.
316. jchammonds said:
Tobacco use, neanderthal-ness (includes lack of brains and chauvinism).
317. lisa said:
Men who say "Wow, that must be really cathartic," when you say you're a writer. And like MulattaPreta, guys who say stuff like "keeping it real," or "no worries." Guys who do too much yoga. Vegans. Teva-sandal wearers. Men who wear baseball caps and think we won't eventually find out they're bald. Back hair. Anyone who makes faces at me with punctuation marks, or writes u instead of you, luv instead of love, r instead of are. As in: I luv u. U r the woman 4 me. etc etc.
Also test-driving is essential. But test driving can also be dangerous. It sometimes makes you forget all your deal breakers. I married a man with back hair. I should have known he'd leave me for a younger woman. I am currently involved with someone who uses annoying abbreviations in his text messages and e-mails. ;~< **** (Those stars are future tears falling to the ground.)
318. lisa said:
Ooh ooh ooh. Guys who say, "Nothing," when you ask what they're thinking about it and you actually believe it.
319. Suebob Davis said:
Well, dang me, Maggie was RIGHT! This is a good subject to get people riled up about.
Crap, at age 45, after having dated for *gulp* 30 years, my list is so long that I don't even want to date anymore. I have kissed so many frogs that I have come to the conclusion that I am quite green and bumpy myself.
320. Indian Stallion said:
Hey how dare you, Yanni is really sensual music alright. I play that all the time in bed!
321. chrisjoel said:
I had to go through 19 comments in a row before I got to a guy commenting. I couldn't read anymore...
whatever.
Up to that point it was all back hair, republicans, and men in retail.
How 'bout this, how 'bout LIBERAL SNOTTY TREE HUGGING BITCHES...
I doubt you ever read this far down on your comment list, but i gotta say... that's some shallow people you gots yerself there....
enjoy,
Herman Bloodcracker
322. jes lamb said:
deal breakers: bad grammar, bad teeth, no sense of humor, no ambition, shorter than 5'8", doesn't drink, is super religious, is filthy, is into strange bedroom behaviors (golden showers, anal sex, etc), small appendages, doesn't have an opinion
deal makers: has to be able to fix things, needs to know more about cars than I do.
323. Gooseberried said:
Guys that don't eat meat.
324. Megansays said:
I think I may be color blind, but most of my red flags, unfortunately, appear to be merely yellow.
But, when I realized that the guy I was dating would never drive his cherry red Dodge Neon (couldn't miss that flag!) without putting on his leather driving gloves, I had to have a talk with myself.
I stole one and kept it in my refrigerator as a reminder.
325. MillaJam said:
hmmm, deal breakers...
from past relationships I now have a collection of statements by my *favorite* mistakes:
'I will dance with you, but only after 3 pints of beer. it puts me in the mood, baby'
'Well, I am soon graduating with a degree in mathematics & informatics. what am I going to do next? create the worst ever computer virus, now isn't that every programmer's dream?'
'I can't date a virgin girl, because, ummm... I would cause her lots of pain'
I also used to go out with a guy who had his own site, where the photo section was full of pics of him and his ex girfriend and had captions like 'me and my girlfriend', 'my awesome girfriend' that he kept up after being with me for 3 months, because he was too lazy to make any updates. when I found this out he turned into a walking red flag in an instant.
A slobbery inconsiderate kisser? next...
No sense of humor? next!
Constant bad odor, dirty fingernails (a sign the guy does not like to shower often)? NEXT!
Mama's boy or Flying fist boy? NEXT! NEEXT! NEEEEEXT!
My mom once said, when I was still in school: 'if a guy doesn't walk you home at night, then dating him is a no no'. and I've realized that a guy that doesn't really care about his girlfriend's safety is not the best option.
I used to consider excessive facial hair or a man looking like cousin IT a real deal breaker. but hey, here I am in a relationship with a guy who has long hair and there is nothing I find sexier than his hair falling in his face occasionally.
I also used to judge a guy by looking at his shoes. now I think that as long as it isn't high heels, it is ok with me. I think I could live with flip flops and socks and... clogs :D (sorry, Heather, I confess :) but that's ONLY around the house :D heh, this is getting ridiculous.
I never considered being in a relationship with someone younger than me or in a long distance one for some time. but we have a grrreat time when we are together and I have found a whole new universe in this guy, so I guess most of those fansy deal breakers go, when you find that special one. the one that makes you wanna put on that shirt Kaitlin was talking about... the 'I am somebody's fantasy' one.
Ok, it was fun sharing that. great post, dear Dooce, you rock! reading it and the comments made my da... night.
best wishes from Lithuania :)
326. HighlandAmy said:
My deal breakers? Too numerous to list here. They include (but are not limited to):
long finger nails
a criminal record
watches Steven Segal movies
owns cat(s)
327. HorribleReality said:
My deal breaker: Briefcases.
I had a date wtih a guy who was actually successful and met him after he got off work and he had his briefcase with him and I thought nothing of it, I did find it strange that he carried it with him where ever we went instead of leaving it in his car, but figured he was just careful with it. Long Story short....the contents of the briefcase was porno and sex toys.
Lesson Learned: Slumming it isn't all that bad!
328. auroraleighm said:
Quoting D'yer Maker in his pre-coitus routine. Down by the river next to a tree at midnight, after reciting a snippet from Joyce's Ulysses. Seriously. And, yes, I regret getting myself into that situation.
329. fiveflowers said:
deal breaker #1: can't swim or stand water. #2 SPENDS MORE TIME GROOMING THAN ME, or uses more products than I do. #3 Tells me they love me after the first date. #4 Walks 10 miles to my house to see me and we've only been dating 2 weeks (this happened to my best friend... she was like, "you did what???")
PS LOVE Maggie's new book- so fun!
330. Black Belt Mama said:
Stupidity. Plain and simple. My husband is the second valedictorian I dated.
Also short stature.
331. nolalite said:
Those with oval "W" stickers on their vehicles.
Guys who are squeamish and/or afraid of amusement park rides, (despite any attempts to disguise it.) Same goes for horror movies.
All hygiene and human curtesies that are hallmarks of those not raised by wolves are taken for granted.
If you don't know it, ADMIT IT!
Men with petite noses...just too feminine for me.
Sneaks. NEWSFLASH: You are fooling no one.
332. DobieVSW said:
I think I dated your blonde guy for a bit. He once asked me where Panama was.
Deal breakers included dislike of dogs, chewing with his mouth open, hearing voices, drug addiction, and polka.
333. carolff said:
I have no concrete deal-breakers (other than the norm: drugs, random felonies, etc.) because I learned long ago to never say never. Just when you say, "I WILL NEVER DO SO AND SO!!" You will. Yes, you will. And you will love it.
But, maybe people with political stickers still on their car. It's over. Move on. Tomorrow is another day. Make it a better one.
334. blathering said:
When I let someone into my home and they ask “you’ve read all these books?†it’s off. I don’t buy books to piss my friends off when I move or to make me look smart. I have them around to weed out twits.
335. tinkerbelle said:
Definite deal breakers are Republicans, right wingers and anyone who doesn't love dogs to the point that they allow them to lick their faces and sleep in their beds.
336. mrsjcatalano said:
On a second date with a guy I had known for ten years, he said, in complete sincerity, "The Beatles are overrated." And I left and have never spoken to him since.
337. farmer_daughter said:
ELASTIC PANTS! They are only acceptable when working out or during physical activities. If a guy chooses to wear them in unacceptable conditions, he will be subjected to much taunting and uncontrollable laughter for being a total wiener.
Also, falling asleep on the pot for 20 minutes and then waking up after you farted only to laugh harder and fart bigger the second time. Yeah, it sounds funny, but after it happens almost daily, we've got a problem. Nevermind that I had to judge a farting contest between him and his best friend. Oh why, oh why did I let that rare gem slip through my fingers? *Sigh*
338. 10AKA said:
My biggest Red Flag was the blind date guy who after having a fantastic night out with him, invited me and my best friend back to his house for a coffee before we drove home. He went into the kitchen to make the coffee and when he came back into the lounge with it, he was naked, and I mean COMPLETELY naked. Needless to say he wasnt my McDreamy :-)
339. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Deal breakers (applies to boys or girls):
- No sense of humor (more importantly, doesn't laugh at MY jokes)
- Doesn't like animals
- Racist/bigot
- Unbendingly conservative
- Fanatically religious
- Dull conversationalist (just shoot me now)
- Cheating/lying
- No imagination or sense of whimsy
- Rude to waitstaff/clerks/etc.
- Doesn't dig my bare, white ass framed by a pair of black leather chaps
340. SarahLou said:
-Racist/homophobic
-Think's i'm his mother...
341. banjeroo said:
Beyond the obvious, I guess... (the bankrupt, the tasteless, the shifty, the cruel, the bad kissers, etc.)
Guys who have that white viscous foam saliva that collects in the corners of the mouth when they talk.
Guys who think I'm being fussy or "body hating" when I refuse to sleep in "the wet spot". (Puh-leeease.)
Guys who I go to meet in the park and they deliberately arrive early so they can be on one of the swings when I get there and then hop off the swing with staged merriness and say something like "I guess you just caught me being myself". (You jackass!)
342. NordanticElaine said:
I think the deal breakers were lines my boyfriends have used in the heat of the moment.
1) "Oh, I don't have any. I can go get a shower ring, will that be okay?"
---No. Thanks though? Goodbye.
2) "Well SHE knew what to do"
---No buddy, that's definitely your problem. Not
mine.
3) This one isn't a line. It just sucked. He insisted that everytime we were making out that the sound track to Braveheart and/or Last of the Mohicans was playing in the background. *sigh* Yes, it's good music. But I think of people dying when I hear that music. And that isn't good for anyone involved.
Other than that? Don't comment on the fact that I haven't worn makeup in a month and look like I belong under a bridge. Screw you.
343. NordanticElaine said:
I think the deal breakers were lines my boyfriends have used in the heat of the moment.
1) "Oh, I don't have any. I can go get a shower ring, will that be okay?"
---No. Thanks though? Goodbye.
2) "Well SHE knew what to do"
---No buddy, that's definitely your problem. Not
mine.
3) This one isn't a line. It just sucked. He insisted that everytime we were making out that the sound track to Braveheart and/or Last of the Mohicans was playing in the background. *sigh* Yes, it's good music. But I think of people dying when I hear that music. And that isn't good for anyone involved.
Other than that? Don't comment on the fact that I haven't worn makeup in a month and look like I belong under a bridge. Screw you.
344. Sarah said:
Desired:
- Open mind
- Open life (including past)
- Open heart
Unacceptable:
- Open (emotional) wounds
- Open sores (YUCK)
- Open relationships (Not for me, thanks.)
345. Elea said:
Off the top of my head, some deal-breakers for me include chain-smoking, cruelty to animals, and short attention span when it comes to women.
346. gearlivegirl said:
My dealbreakers:
1. licks his plate
2. sucks his thumb
3. smells, and loves, the smell of his earwax
4. seriously...tells you to pull his finger
5. pouts circles around a 2 year old
6. farts in bed
7. has back zits, and pops said back zits
8. spends more money on his junky car than on you
9. thinks that burping is endearing
10. thinks that it is a FACT that the world revolves around HIM
11. and finally...dadadada...cheats...cause if he did it once, he will do it AT LEAST 10 more times.
other than that, I'm not too picky
347. gearlivegirl said:
Forgot the clincher...
12. Picks his nose then proceeds to roll the contents into a ball, just to stuff it back up into his nose for later enjoyment. Like it's an extra-curricular sport.
Yes, that about does it.
348. mariekschen said:
Never date a guy who has better hair than you...
349. Sarah Holm said:
"The entire muslim world has branded itself as terrorists". Wow that's, you know, deep.
350. kerri said:
Does anyone remember "Montana" from The Real World Boston? And that she kept a gargantuan-sized notebook filled with her "deal-breakers"? I think there must have been something like two-hundred of them. I still remember the episode where, after a date with some Bostonian, she looked in her notebook and found something about him corresponded with Deal-Breaker #38. Or at least, that's the number I remember in my head. I think it was the "Has a visible tattoo" deal-breaker. Or "Doesn't have a visible tattoo." Or something. ;)
Liking coconut is my deal-breaker. Oh, and lying. Oh, and an inability to appreciate the fact that I think Melville, Oscar Wilde and Faulkner (were drunk, yes, sure, but also) genuis.
351. HannahsMomJess said:
Oh my, I have spent the better part of a day trying to wade through these comments in each spare 5 minutes I get that my daughter isn't requiring all my attention.
Dealbreakers:
Child Porn (yes, I dated a guy who had that as a "hobby" and I even loved him before I knew)
Cheating
I guess I should have known that my ex had a thing for young girls. He was 28 when we started dating. I was 17 and six weeks from graduating highschool. Talk about ignoring red flags
I'm now happily married to a wonderful guy who so far exhibits no sign of dealbreakers.
352. typealice said:
1) Dress young. I love men who can still carry off the "skater" look that was popular when I was in high school. When I reached my mid-twenties I thought I was doomed because most men my age start shopping at normal retail stores and stop with the Value Village-ing. I love skate shoes (they've been my prominent shoe for more than ten years), I love baggy pants, I love small shirts on skinny guys. I, on the other hand, do not like shirts with stupid sayings on them.
2) Be a vegetarian or a veggie-friendly meat eater. And don't be vegan. I've had two vegan boyfriends and they were a Pain in the Ass to eat with- it's too much trouble to cook with/for, let alone go out and eat. On the other hand, I could never be with someone who needs to eat meat for every meal, or even every day.
3) Rarely spends money frivolously (unless they have a kick-ass job and they buy me lots of presents. Read: has NEVER happened before, ever.). I'm the cheapest person I've ever met, and I worry about money just as much as I worry about my weight (a LOT).
4) Must take care of finger and toenails. If they're too long or too dirty or too anything, it's over so fast it didn't even have time to begin.
5) Must be open to living in Nova Scotia. With this rule, they must love the ocean, the accents, the forest and the hicks. I would love to have my children be Nova Scotian, and thinking about ever having a kid born outside of the province makes me uncomfortable. I'm a very proud Nova Scotian.
6) Must have been outside of Canada and the USA for an extended period of time (months) in their life.
7) Must love the internet.
8) Must know what a torrent is.
9) Must not be addicted to video games.
10) Must, must, must not do drugs on a regular basis and NEVER do hard drugs.
11) Must be a good and confident driver who doesn't mind driving all the time.
12) Be ambitious. Nothing drives me crazier than someone who is passive in their life.
13) Must not smoke. As a recovering smoker, I know that if I was ever in a relationship with someone who smokes, I'd lose my battle of quitting smoking, and I can't have that happen.
14) Don't be a "specific" type of person. I do that enough for ten people. I like specific things done in a specific way, and I don't think it'd work out if I met someone else like me. It stems from childhood (boo hoo hoo), but here are some things I'm specific about: toothpaste is to be squeezed from the bottom; dish clothes are to be hung up on the tap, not crumpled into a ball in the sink; phone cords that are twisted are bad; spoons face down when they're drying in the rack... etc etc etc.
15) Like cats more than dogs. I don't enjoy dogs. Period.
16) Don't care about sports on television. (I've been quite fortunate to never be with someone who liked watching sports!)
17) Must make me laugh, must not mind being pinched, must have a pet name for me within the first six months, must be stronger than me, must love love love love and cherish me.
18) Must not be Christian.
353. number14 said:
Deal Breaker:
The guy with the nervous laugh. And it wasn't first-date nervousness. This was a constant ha-ha. It punctuated everything he ever said. "Wow, you look great. Ha ha." "What do you feel like doing this weekend? Ha ha." "Can I kiss you? Ha ha."
I found myself talking all the time to drown out the 'ha ha.' Poor guy. He would have been such a catch if it weren't for that annoying tic.
354. catnip said:
First date dealbreakers:
Showed up at the door for a blind date wearing a black leather jacket, slouching, looking surly, with a toothpick in the corner of his mouth. (Dinner was Pizza Hut, followed by the movie "Mother, Jugs and Speed.")
Sported a puka shell necklace and a shirt opened several buttons (very 1970s).
Referred to women as "babes" and men as "dudes," in keeping with the rest of his frat brothers.
Tried to shove his entire tongue down my ear canal.
Sneered at the fact that I grew up in the suburbs. (You know, why DIDN'T I refuse to go along when my parents moved there when I was seven?)
Bragged about himself and showed me photo albums and scrapbooks about himself the entire date and never once asked me a question about myself.
Other dealbreakers:
Uses cute names for his penis
Has only a few, straggly strands of chest hair
Has bad breath due to poor oral hygiene
Refers to women as "ladies," as in "hello, pretty lady."
Thinks that he's a Casanova and deserves to go out with nice-looking women when he's overweight and has poor personal grooming and dandruff. Have you looked in the mirror, buddy?
355. in2deep said:
i love your posts and your blog. and i love it so much that just to post a comment i signed up for typekey.
if you ever have time do visit my blog. and very soon ill write about my deal breakers.
takecare
356. revelling said:
absolutley no greeks.
i won't make the same mistake SIX times. five was enough.
sorry.
357. Kit said:
I once dated a guy with an abundance of stuffed animals in his room. More than I even own. That's not cool. Then there was the guy with psoriasis. I know it's a medical thing and all. But psoriasis dick is really gross. He was also really fat and sweaty. Then there was the guy who broke it off after two weeks because he wanted to go experiment with other guys. Fucking other men is definately a deal breaker.
I know I complain about my boyfriend a lot, but after a year together, nothing he does is as bad as some of the stuff these other guys did. And he has great taste in music, makes his own music, loves animals, rescues turtles from the middle of the road, and puts up with most of my crap. Best of all, he has no stuffed animals (none!), no psoriasis, is almost as skinny as me, and does not have any desire to fuck other guys.
358. zuhura said:
Deal Breakers for me:
*You've never traveled outside the US/Canada/Mexico.
*You make me feel stupid for asking a question.
*You can't hold your own in a conversation.
*You have no sense of humor and don't laugh at my jokes.
*You don't respect your mother. Run away fast if a guy doesn't get along with his mother (unless she's a real nut job). Sooner or later he's going to treat you like he treats her.
I just celebrated my 25th. At times it's been a LONG haul but I'm glad I stuck it out. We agreed when we got married (after living together for 4 years) that it was murder before divorce!!!!
359. Antonia said:
Are you still reading this far down? Stop and rub your eyes.
I have broken up with a man who freaked out when I creased the spine of one of his paperback books while reading it.
I broke up with another man who turned into a proper rectal ache over how precisely I should accompany his cello solo on the piano. We were only playing in a sitting-room after tea for someone's visiting grandad, who was only going to sleep and fart through the performance anyway.
And I divorced one who ate with his mouth open, sulked, and kept all his possessions in a succession of rustly old plastic bags. Why the fuck did I marry him? I don't know.
360. catslye said:
brown leather jackets, the kind with elastic waistbands...I told my then date (now husband) if he had worn a dreaded brown leather jacket with elastic at the waist we wouldn't have gotten past date #1 much less married.
the wearing of a baseball cap to hide the fact of severly thinning (ok, going completely bald) hair, I wouldn't have cared about the going bald, who cares about hair ? but hiding it? to the point of when the hat fell off during rolling around on the floor kissing, he squeaked! ...really, he squeaked a little panic squeak and quickly smashed the hat on, but not before I totally saw the reason why he kept it glued to his cranium...freak.
ohh!...I could write a book about the weirdos I've dated...
361. Rand said:
Starchitect,
The "Tally Ho!!" thing is seriously funny. Thanks for a good laugh. I needed that.
362. Prof said:
The electronic age is problematic while on dates as follows (for either gender)
Cell phones:
playing with them
talking on them
checking your appointments
watching movies
surfing the web
looking at pictures
networking
listening to music
IPods:
listening to music
Personal TV Recorders:
watching them
SMS Devices:
using them
Why did you accept this date in the first place??????
Why did you accept a date and have to be sitting, standing, leaning near me...(sigh)
363. Debbie said:
I've enjoyed reading through the long-long list; and yes, I've rubbed my eyes quite a bit! ;)
I can't believe I forgot to mention this one...
We saw "Identity" (Awesome horror movie) in the theater, and when we got back into my car, he turned to me and said "Did I ever tell you I have Multiple Personalities?"
He proceeded to tell me that there were seven of them (I forget the list of names); all but two were crazy about me, but one just really didn't like me at all.
"Get out of my car, all of y'all, get the fuck out, NOW!",/em>"
364. kar said:
Okay. I vowed not to make any comments, but I can't resist this one.
A bunch of deal breakers in one first date:
Boy (who I indirectly worked with for months--so I thought I knew him well enough to make this educated decision to go out with him) picks me up and notices a picture on the fridge and says "look--you had a little pot belly there!"
And then, as I give him the tour "wow, you keep a lot of dirty dishes in the sink." (mind you, 4 girls in a two bedroom apartment) To someone who wonders why I would even then go to the car and get in, he was cute, I was curious, and my plans were already ruined for the night. However, I knew I would never go out with him again.
In the car on the way out he says, "your nails look nice painted--you should do them more often." While out, the waiter came to take our order and the guy ordered for me without asking what I wanted, and then proceeded to CUT UP MY FOOD and FEED IT TO ME. On the way home he said, "you look really nice in skirts, you should wear them more often."
So, to recap, deal breakers for me are: telling your date she looks fat, critisizing her housekeeping, telling her what to wear, ordering food without knowing what she wants, and cutting up and feeding food (on a FIRST DATE) against her will.
365. Ann said:
I think the deal breaker for me was when on our first (and only) date he announced he was going for a pee down a back alley. I waited on the sidewalk for him, and a car pulled up next to me and asked me if I wanted any business.
366. Hankster said:
I once dated a guy that had a SINGING message on his answering machine. Yes, he was singing something about leaving a message and his not being there. And the tune was "Do You Know the Way to San Jose." The one and only message I ever left was screams of laughter.
367. Gretchie said:
I used to have only two deal breakers: 1. No one's aloud to beat me/ call me names and 2. No drugs. Then I started dating, and now I have many, many more deal breakers, based on experience, such as no morbidly obese guys - never mind that their weight makes them unattractive, there's usually a lot of messed up emotional baggage to go with; no one who was abused as a child (see above); unable to hold down a job; unable/unwillilng to drive. Another new deal breaker I would swear by if I ever find myself single again: previous bankruptcies, unchecked spending habits, and overall poor control over finances. Lastly, men with weird mommy issues... deal breakers... ya.
368. ron said:
Favourite comments so far:
Tally Ho!
Do you like fisting? (WHAT. THE. HELL.)
The Dave Matthews Band dealbreaker. (LOL.)
Viking fantasies.
Sarah Beth doesn't accept lite beer. That's awesome. But what the heck is wrong with white sneakers and blue jeans?
Apparently most of you girls don't like short, skinny Republicans who are bad kissers. Or dating men who are actually gay, or who cry too much. Celibacy is out, as well as an obsession with feminine hygiene products. And transsexuals.
Not too be too much of a guy here, but allow me to point the finger of shame and laugh in derision at all of these ex-boyfriends/dates. This comment thread is hilarious. Multiple identities? Guys who accuse you of trying to get them sent to hell for having sex with you? Pooping with THE DOOR OPEN? Vagitarian?
I apologize on behalf of the male gender.
369. joanieb said:
I don't have many, but these are a few:
1. Arrogance
2. Emotional Inavailability
3. Prioritizing his friends over me when I really need him.
370. roadlesstraveled said:
Lack of compassion or lack of empathy.
Lack of masculinity.
And I have to agree with zuhura - a guy who makes me feel stupid for asking a question.
371. glittertrash said:
All the comments about red flags crack me up, because in the world I live in, "flagging red" means "into fisting".
Hearing "ew, that's so wrong, how could anyone ever want to do that?" about pretty much anything other than voting conservative is my big turn-off.
Dealbreakers: transphobia, homophobia, racism, classism. One line of "I just don't think it's right that he expects us to call him a woman", and I'm up & out the door.
372. Stephanie said:
The other night I watched a Sex and the City episode with the same question Maggie asks in Idea Number 32: What are relationship "deal breakers." It's the episode where Carrie stops smoking so Aidan will go out with her again, and kiss her...
Having been married almost 15 years I suppose I put up with a lot and don't fret so much about potential deal breakers... of course I might change my mind if he ever started playing Yanni after all the kissing...
373. dataslave said:
cannot....resist.....must....comment....
-asked me who the love of my life was, on our second date, and told me her extremely recent ex always was and will be. I drank my coffee and asked for the check.
-started telling me about her abortion a year ago, as she was unbuttoning my shirt.
the usual warning signs-
-her dad is the greatest man who ever lived. ever.
-"little girl" pouting, on the first/second/ever date.
-saying "you choose", and vetoing every suggestion.
-not telling me about the child for a month. Turns out I liked the kid more than the mother.
-apparently her dog talks to her, saying bad things about me, like, "he's a scary man". She got upset when the dog actually liked me.
-asking how those dead guys came back to life in "Pulp Fiction"
-saying "I don't get it" or "I would never do that" in response to a comedian's performance. Imagine trying to explain Lewis Black to someone all the time. Tiring.
374. dataslave said:
Can the next Dooce header be "Tally Ho!"? PLEEASE?
375. TeenSleuth said:
1. ACTUALLY wanting me to call you "Daddy" during sex. Is there anything less arousing than conjuring images of Pop while doing the dirty? Well, except for you keeping your white tube socks on the whole time.
2. Finding out you stole my roommate's underwear. Winnie the Pooh panties? Actually, you two deserve each other.
3. Running like that. You look like Phoebe from "Friends."
376. ortizzle said:
Dealbreakers I have known but not loved:
1. Bad table manners (holds fork in fist, etc.)
2. Talks far too much about his mother.
3. Tells you the story of his life on the first date, complete with all the lurid details of every woman he ever dated.
4. Wants you to tell *him* the story of your life on the first date, complete with all the lurid details of every man you every dated.
5. Criticizes your cooking, but is clueless about cooking himself and thinks that a steak and baked potato is about as exotic as it gets.
6. Uses the words *merlot* and *chardonnay* as generic terms for red and white wine.
7. Shows up for a date wearing pointy, alligator cowboy boots.
8. Cannot place a single foreign country on a world map.
9. Calls all problems *issues* and tells you that you have a lot of them.
10. Tells you he is a *Christian* and wants to know if you are, too. (As opposed to say, a gladiator.)
P.S. I also vote for "Tally Ho" to pass from the headboard to the masthead.
377. brandy said:
If I were to go back on the dating scene now my deal breakers would be:
Upside down boners.
Bad breath
Sticking of the tongue in the ear.(ew,ew,ew,ew)
Being racist, homophobic etc.
Bad taste in music
Hated cheese.
Before I met my man 7 years ago I made a list of things I wanted in a boy, one of them was:
Bring me fruit.
He brought me a strawberry poptart.
So I kept him.
378. plastic_atomic said:
Deal breakers:
--Small hands
--Any sort of religion, spirituality, or overarching interest in Eastern medicine/ayurvedic medicine/chiropractics/astrology and their ilk
--Men who only talk about themselves and never ask a woman any questions
--Homophobia
--Men who can't spell (which covers 98% of all online personals)
--Mainstream taste in music
--I despise sandals, but I realize I may be alone
379. Katie said:
I have to admit I was a little thrown off by the person who included "closed mindedness" on their list of dealbreakers. Umm, isn't the idea of a dealbreaker in itself a bit closed minded? Besides, I don't think it'll ever be possible to meet one person who meets every one of these standards. In my opinion, love is about learning to embrace someone’s imperfections, even gold chains and hairy backs. I mean hell, there are plenty of things about myself that could be considered deal breakers, but luckily I’m with someone who sees past that.
380. SelfAbsorbedYetSelfAware said:
Most entertaining deal breaker for the apartment neighbors? Being with someone who felt the need to narrate the action in bed.
Also noteworthy - Inviting me over to watch a tv show and then when the show is over, announcing that nothing else was on tv for the rest of the night so we might as well hit the sack. I grabbed the tv guide. "Oh come on, there must be something..."
But seriously, the Narrator. Wow. I still shake my head at that one.
381. lectric lady said:
OK, I will do my inventory.
My guy (of 36 years):
Great big belly - check
Hairy back - check
Small 'soldier' - check
Many contortions - check
Tons of laughter, kisses and hugs - check
Isn't it wonderful that it takes all kinds?
382. mossage said:
I'm surprised no one put down these-
1. Being really into Dungeons & Dragons past the age of 12.
2. Abandoning me when I am sick. I moved to be with him, knew no one else, and had the flu. And he wouldn't go and buy me water (It was in L.A., and the tap isn't necessarily safe to drink). He said he felt too pressured, so he wouldn't do it. Oh, I might actually NEED him for something, how awful. It brings me to my next deal-breaker...
3. People that can't deal with me needing them at some point. Not on the first date or anything, but eventually I will have emotional needs. That isn't a crime.
4. Snorting up/Loudly inhaling and swallowing their snot. Why oh why do some people do this? It's totally disgusting. It ranks right up there with
5. Making excessive mouth noises while eating. Smack smack slurp- close your mouth when you chew!
383. Hadice said:
1. Hippies
2. Bad teeth, worse manners
3. Any guy who likes 'Friends'
4. A guy who cares more about his hair than where he is taking me to dinner
384. sfgirlbybay said:
biggest deal breaker (i've had way too many): the REALLY handsome, fit (like a cross between paul newman & owen wilson), flea market loving, scooter riding, well-off man who seemed to like me very much (i.e. constant phone calls, considerate, attentive) turns down a blow job AND tells me he's republican. let's get serious, he's a gay republican. thanks san francisco - dating here is SO much fun.
385. Mom O Matic said:
Dooce - the virgin thing. It does happen! My close girlfriend (Christian and virgin) married her fiance (Christian and virgin) last month. Not good a'tall, not a'tall. I've smuggled her a Joy Of Sex book in hopes she can work with him.
386. Daisy said:
I'm going to go with just one thing: Must not be my former high school teacher. There's really no explanation necessary, huh?
387. SuperWife said:
I'm beginning to think I don't have any. After my husband got drunk, stole my car, wrecked it, and went to jail for two weeks all the little things just seem trivial =/
Fortunately that chapter of his memoirs is long gone. I look back to it whenever I need perspective ;)
388. Meagh said:
I once dated a guy who referred to beers as "wobbly pops". I couldn't handle it.
389. Spamboy said:
Having my date buy lobster or the most-expensive item on the menu each and every time. :)
390. Lauren said:
The biggest deal breaker was when I was about to get frisky with some bloke, and his penis was 1.5 inches long. Erect.
I am not a shallow person, however I sniggered..attempted what I had to do (and failed miserably) and walked out.
Usual dealbreakers are metrosexuals. Yes, you may look pretty, but give me a rugged rather than preened anyday, thanks. If I wanted to date someone with a strong feminine side, I'd be a lesbian.
391. Sarah said:
Wow! Talk about deal breakers and love...I got one for you that answers all the questions in finding a soul-mate and how to deal with love. A new book that is coming out, "The What-If Guy" by Taylor Wilshire is a funny chick lit book with a spiritual twist. Check out some of the reviews.
Reviews for
The What-If Guy by Taylor G. Wilshire Paperback October 2006
"Deeper than Bridget Jones but just as funny...the challenges of the modern age in this humorous tale of life and love gone wrong. The big difference is the spiritual twist. Good read."—-San Diego Review- J Sweeney
"I loved Wilshire's what if Guy-- Its tone is so breezy and subversive, but with a heart of vulnerability. Ryley is a work a-holic that is just trying to find meaning to her life. It never loses its pace or its warmth - a great achievement. "—Louise Phelem, Book Critic
"Twenty-four-year-old Ryley McKenna is well on her way to reaching her goal of becoming a millionaire and retiring by the age of thirty. As year after year of lengthy workdays and failed relationships pass, and as she realizes that her professional drive is due in part to her feelings of inadequacy (having come from a family of overachievers), she begins to question the lifestyle she has chosen for herself. With the support of her longtime spiritual friend, Sarah and the tenets from the book A Course in Miracles, Rye finally learns how to accept herself. As a bonus, she finds love in an unlikely candidate.
The storyline kicks in during the first few pages, and the author skillfully pulls the reader through the rest of the plot-driven novel. The writing is straightforward and accessible, and the dialog is authentic to the characters, while also servicing the plot. The work explores themes most of its audience will relate to, such as the career versus quality of life struggle, the support structure that comes with close friends, the quest for a life partner, and the journey to discovery and acceptance of self.
While not all readers may identify with Rye's desire to bolt up the corporate ladder, they will become more empathetic as they realize how disconnected she feels, especially with her family, and as she experiences seemingly ideal relationships (Hank and Richard) that eventually fail miserably. The author successfully allows what begins as a rather flat character to blossom through a series of experiences and moments of self-realizations. And the various subplots within the story emerge subtly and help strengthen the reader's connection to Rye.
Frequent references to A Course in Miracles blends a spiritual aspect into the novel and also gives it a self-help sphere. Sympathetic characters, the clarity and immediacy of the prose, and the fast-paced and engaging storyline will captivate readers. The What If Guy is a strong contender in its genre.
—Texas Review-Greenleaf
"Wilshire's first novel should satisfy readers from twenty something's and above. Ryley McKenna is in her late twenties, funny, independent, workaholic climbing up the corporate ladder trying to find her soul mate. After a break-up with her boyfriend that she wonders is her "What if Guy" she throws herself into work and tries to find love, but instead finds her authentic self. She is the type that is reluctant to non-traditional self help remedies, unlike her best friend. But some how a book called A Course in Miracles comes into her life, softening the edges of her stressful life. This very personal book triggers events that completely transform her and those around her. Ryley's adventures will strike a chord with all young women struggling to find their place in the world, especially those overwhelmed in their own life. This novel follows the classic format of chasing the wrong man when the right one will come when you are ready, or have a healed heart. "—Los Angeles Reviewer -J. Sherman
"At twenty-something, Ryley McKenna is on the fast-track to success--she's got a great job, company car, designer clothes, and, when the weather and her hair cooperate, she knows she's looking good. Then she walks out of closing the deal of a lifetime and stumbles upon a man who might be the one. He's successful, too handsome to be true, and miraculously, he's got eyes for Ryley, too.
When this mysterious stranger asks her out, Ryley's two best friends are just an IM away and ready and waiting with advice. Never mind that Pam, who came out of college intent on pursuing little more than her M.R.S. and Sarah Toadswell, aka Toad, who is heading toward a PhD and working already to cure the world's ills and woes can't stand each other. They're both there for Ryley when she needs them-or are they?
When Ryley puts out an SOS, gal pal Pam is ready to give her the scoop on reeling this guy in, but she's not willing to go along for the ride. And Toad is less than convinced that this Adonis is what Ryley needs at all. In fact, he sounds like trouble. Elegant, beautiful, brilliant, but crippled by a dark secret from her past, Toad is more interested in getting to her next yoga class than she is in meeting the men in Ryley's life, or any men, for that matter. But Ryley needs her now more than ever. "What if he's the one?" Ryley pleads, begging her friend to go out with her to see. But Sarah has nothing to offer a friend in need except an odd book called A Course on Miracles.
As Ryley becomes embroiled with her what-if guy, her love life and career take an unexpected turn, and she finds herself falling hard and fast. It seems a miracle is what it will take to make her life complete, but can she take that risk?"—National Book Reviewer-Brenda McLean
"It's about time a chick lit book with substance! "—People's Choice Book Review
"Witty, original, fast-moving debut features a lovable heroine, a solid cast, snappy dialog and a poignant take on life's priorities. This is a must-read for any woman who struggles with finding a balance with their career, or for anyone who has ever had a guy that slipped away. It offers more. An opportunity for one to look at their own spirituality "—Romantic Reviewer-Susan Diamond
"Chick lit does New Age. Perfect concept, it's about time there was a women's fiction book out there that can help me cope with my own life!"—Happy Reader
ISBN-0-9778018-0-2
392. Sarah said:
If you are looking for advice on love, the buzz is big on this book coming out October--over 100 publications have write-ups on it.
FICTION
The What-If Guy
by Taylor G. Wilshire
Nautilus Press
233 pages
Softcover $13.00
0-9778018-0-2
Twenty-something Ryley McKenna thinks she has it made. She’s finally got the corner office with a view and all the rewards that come with corporate success. Thing is, she seldom has a chance to savor the life she’d hungered for when she traded a floundering company in upstate New York for the high-tech phenomena in coastal California. At a time when most young women are out “clubbing,†going from one trendy nightclub to another, Ryley pours herself into work, “like a waterfall spilling into a deep pool.†She wonders how she got there, and how she could shift the “tension and lack of solution that went beyond Band-Aids.â€
The simple answer to her self-analysis is making terrible choices. A heart-rending relationship with a dance-away lover (a “What if guyâ€) paralyzes Ryley so completely that it renders her “still and numb,†locked inside a “dead hollow tree†with branches “ready to snap in a moment.†Intense grief propels her into a volatile, abusive liaison with a man as commitment-phobic as the guy who’d mangled her heart. Yet even when Ryley escapes the clutches of the “rebound-guy†and is at the top of her game in her career, she wakes up “hollowed out and empty.â€
What sets this author’s tale apart from the edgy “chick lit†genre of books like Sex in the City is Wilshire’s reframing of the bleak postmodern terrain of twenty-first century lives into a firmly grounded transformation of the mundane into the miraculous. Ryley stops looking for salvation in relationships or a demanding career and steps into a deep faith, built not on blind belief, but on results. Guided by a childhood friend, Ryley makes a “conscious priority to journey into the light.†Even though “Some days it worked; most days it didn’t,†Ryley’s trajectory into a life of mindful awareness gains momentum, until she beholds what she is made of: “a piece of God.†The impact of her transformation spills into every aspect of her life, and nothing is ever the same. A whole new vista, teeming with possibilities but anchored in acceptance, lies before her.
The author’s choice to use quotes from the Course in Miracles to head each chapter (for example, “Let all things be exactly the way they are†and “Love is the way I walk in gratitudeâ€) puts the reader right into Ryley’s journey. Indeed, the author’s own path as an ordained minister and former vice president of marketing for a Fortune 500 company brings an authenticity to this book; her characters and settings are vivid and Ryley’s transformation is not only believable, it is inevitable. For readers who are hungry for fiction that is a blend of real modern life with a spirituality that is palpable, this book is a keeper. (October)
Carol Lynn Stewart
Description for your publication:
Ryley McKenna is climbing the corporate ladder on the fast track to success. She has just met the perfect guy, maybe even her soul mate. So why does she feel like something is missing?
When she finally lands the coveted corner office, she realizes that her ideas of success and love aren't enough. In search of fulfillment, she tries to find something to soften the edges of her stressful life. With the help of her best friend and the guidance of a special book, A Course in Miracles, she finds the courage to embark on an unforgettable journey of self-discovery and healing. This captivation and inspirational novel proves that miracles really do happen. Join Ryley on this breathtaking adventure as she finds her true self--her spiritual self.
For more information visit our web site at www.thewhatifguy.com