Having dated walking red flags
My friend, Maggie, recently had a book published. It's called No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog, and it's filled with suggestions (oddly, 100 of them) of things you could write a blog post about. I thought that a good way to celebrate her success with this publication would be the practical application of one of her ideas. So after reading the book -- a quick 122 pages that read exactly how Maggie speaks in person, as charmingly as humorously as if describing something unpleasant (maybe bone spurs, or four-hour erections?) as judiciously as possible to the President of the United States -- I went back and picked a suggestion that I hadn't ever used before. Today's blog post is written in response to Maggie's Idea Number 32: Break It Off.
"What are your relationship deal breakers? Some folks are annoyed if a date shows up ten minutes late. Others look for something weightier, like a felony record. Have you ever rejected someone over something that seems insignificant to your friends? Or do you have selective blindness for red flags?"
Only because this suddenly made me remember a certain guy who said to me on our second date, "You mean, you like elephants, too? I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL DESTINY!"
I don't even remember his name, not a single letter of it, but I remember telling him upfront that I did not want any part of a long-term relationship. His response was along the lines of, but I already called my mother in New Jersey! And she's knitting you a sweater! I went on a third date because he was a nice a guy, and I didn't think it was fair to tell him that I didn't want to marry him over the phone, although looking back now that is exactly what I should have done because he was so upset he wrapped his arms around my neck like a giant spider that wanted to eat my face off. For those of you who don't know, that is not the most successful way to say to a woman, hey, wait, aren't you being a little hasty?
I also dated a guy who said he couldn't bring himself to sleep with women who had big butts. I didn't take that stipulation very seriously because an ass is not a physical characteristic that I will ever possess, much like boobs or manageable hair. It wasn't until I realized that his aversion to butts was just Chapter One in his memoir The Innumerable Ways I am Out of My Fucking Mind, and by Chapter Four: I Cannot Bring Myself to Sleep With Women Who Have Vaginas, I knew that I had stumbled into the wrong section of the library, if you know what I'm saying.
There was the guy who was perfect in many ways, loved the right music, voted for the right person, said the most wonderful things when I most needed to hear them, and (and!) he was an amazing kisser. It was just all the stuff that happened after the kissing that made the relationship more and more difficult to rationalize, and here is where I experience a lot of hand-wringing for all my Mormon girlfriends who got married without ever having slept with their men. It's admirable, very admirable to enter into the covenant of marriage as a virgin, but what if smack dab in the middle of that first-night passion he starts quoting Al Pacino in Scarface? Or starts yodeling? Or says, "Do you mind if I turn on some Yanni?" IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. This is indispensable research you have to conduct, or else you're going to spend the rest of your life faking headaches.
And finally, the very good-looking blonde, athletic type who could fix things. He was the first guy I ever dated who could change a tire, and he was always offering to take care of the broken things around my apartment. When that sort of expertise comes into your life it feels like you're seeing a blue sky for the first time. Like, you mean I don't have to live with a shower door that won't close? I HAVE NEVER KNOWN SUCH BEAUTY. But then I had to go and ruin everything by asking him to open his mouth and form a complete sentence, by asking the very difficult, complex question of what he thought about homosexuality. He shrugged and said, "Homosexuals are stupid." Which, let's give him credit, is as educated and informed of an opinion as that of an eight-year-old in a coma.
What are your deal breakers?
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1. MelissaJ said:
Wow I don't think I've had any nearly as bad as that.
Deal breaker for me is someone who treats wait staff badly.
2. Susie said:
I know this is shallow, but here it is: I just couldn't have a relationship with a man who wears a gold chain.
Other than that, the major deal breaker is obvious: Republicanism.
3. AprilD said:
I refuse to date men with back hair! Any sight of back hair and I'm out the door!
4. Jill said:
The worst I remember from my single days was a guy I dated briefly who was a REALLY bad kisser. During the kissing process, he attempted to get the entire lower half of my face into his mouth. After a couple of minutes of making out he had eaten all the make-up off my face, and left me dripping with slobber. Eew.
5. MulattaPreta said:
lets see: men who use 'keeping it real' in their day 2 day bullshit speech. men who have long nails. it sounds insane, but u'd b AMAZED at the number of men u'll see on the subway with long nails, painted clear. i just want 2 scream - YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE!
oh. and gold teeth. absolutely not.
6. kth201 said:
I agree with Susie about gold chains. Usually gold chains come with unbuttoned-to-there polyester shirts and a lot of ego. No thanks.
Smoking is my deal breaker. One whiff and I'm done.
7. jozet said:
Completely irrational, but if a guy was wearing a necklace of any sort, at some point I'd have to politely excuse myself from the date, usually by pouring a dish of salsa on my skirt. I don't know why (i.e. never discussed it in therapy) but men + man jewelry = 0 points.
I also knew that I wanted to have kids at some point - some how, some way, even a la Raising Arizona - and that was a non-negotiable.
I had thought that a commonality of musical taste was important, but five years into our marriage, my husband admitted that he didn't much like The Who and although it came as a shocker, with intense marriage therapy and a few nookie sessions while listening to "Tommy", we've gotten beyond this glitch.
8. EverydaySuperGoddess said:
I used to say that I would never date any man who weighs less than me and/or spends more time on his hair than I do.
But through unfortunate experience, I have refined that list to include alcoholics, republicans, and guys who have stuffed animals in their bedrooms.
9. Heidi Kostrey said:
My deal breaker is when they smell like an old stale fart masked in cologne.
10. Wendell77 said:
Hmmm, so many possible dealbreakers. On a blind date a guy said to me about my music degree, "So, you actually take classes about music?" Also passive-aggressive behavior is a huge turn off. One man I dated (for far too long) was 45 minutes late to a date, and announced upon his arrival, "Hurry up, we're late!"
11. Ktkat said:
For me it's anybody who sees something bad happen to an animal and says "It's JUST an animal." No compassion doesn't fly with me.
Also, someone with really bad manners and/or grammar. That makes me nuts.
Republicans and/or conservatives are a DEFINITE no-go.
And lastly, really hairy guys just don't do it for me. Nor does facial hair. Tho, as I've gotten older, I do like the goatee quite a lot... and my hubby IS rather hairy.
Guess some of those deal breakers go away when you find your soulmate!
12. Heather Barmore said:
Men who don't understand what the word "moderate" means and I once dated a guy (actually boy) who dipped his fries in Mayo and we weren't in Europe. Oh and this same 'boy' also thought my best friend was hot and told me so, multiple times. Awesome.
13. deeryluv said:
I personally love a man with gold chains and an open shirt -- sexy as shit. Especially if he's swarthy in any way, like Vincent Gallo. Or wearing clogs. Yum.
By my deal breaker is finding out he works in (gasp) retail. Retail? Is that really the best you can do?
14. Ktkat said:
OH... and I completely agree with kth201. Smoking is a huge deal breaker. No question, no argument, no exceptions.
15. TuesdayGirl said:
Bad hands.
I once dated a guy with small fat hands, I thought to myself, I could NEVER mary those hands. So I broke it off.
Oh, that and he had a terrible Staten Island accent.
Those two things combined are a potent coctail.
16. flytrixie said:
Republicans. Visible tattoos or piercings. Permanently tethered to their i-pods, crackberries, or laptops. Dog haters. Politicians. Wears jewelry other than a watch. Bad hygiene. Non-readers. Lacking an excellent sense of humor.
Yep, I'm demanding, and I deserve to be.
17. Melissa said:
If I could take him down in a wrestling match, if he cries more than I do, if he hates sports, if he doesn't drink, if he does drugs, if he can’t wait to plan a wedding, if he doesn’t like animals, if he does yoga, if he gets manicures or considers himself a “metrosexual,†if he still thinks keg stands are cool, if he answers every single question with a one word response, if he cares more about making money than loving his job, if he rolls his eyes when I cry, if he constantly tells me, or tells his friends in front of me, what girls he would “do,†if he worries about his body fat percentage rising above some set number, I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.
He must not be a Jesus freak, a Buddhist, a Mormon, etc. I do not like religion; I don’t care how “earthy†or “spiritual†or “enlightening†his religion is, I will not like it. I know this sounds horrible, but, why bother pretending to care? I don’t.
18. serena burrows said:
I once dated a guy for over a year and I NEVER saw his feet. He always had socks on. We live in Florida, there is hardly ever a reason to wear socks at all!
19. Jeff Simmermon said:
Whenever I hear a lady say "You know, I don't have many female friends -- women are such BITCHES," that's a red flag thwacking me between the eyes. If it's presented around "I hate my mother/father/parents," check, please. Learned that the hard way ...
20. kth201 said:
serena burrows, it sounds like your guy had some weird feet issues.
One more thing: guys who LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about themselves, their opinion on every topic, everything they have done and how awesome it is, and why they are so cool. I guess that goes for people in general, not just guys.
21. mishelliew said:
I'm in agreement with the majority, any guy with a Mr. T starter kit has no shot. Also, "tuckers" or any man who tucks their t-shirt into their jeans especially under another open shirt need to go. I think my hell would be sweaty men with gold chains running around singing the Macarena. It's amazing how the little things are deal breakers, but not things like I have two kids with different women or height insecurity.
22. traca said:
Back hair, baldness, Republican, Old Spice after shave, bad teeth, too many muscles, facial piercings, weeping like a girl, small penis, and any drug use.
23. kth201 said:
serena burrows, it sounds like your guy had some weird feet issues.
One more thing: guys who LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about themselves, their opinion on every topic, everything they have done and how awesome it is, and why they are so cool. To be fair, I guess that goes for people in general, not just guys.
24. Jen Mahler said:
I'm right there with many of the other post's: back hair, bad politics. Closemindedness and an inability to be fun are major dealbreakers for me. And bad teeth.
25. kth201 said:
Oops! Sorry for the double post!
26. wahrephoenixe said:
So - I thought I had deal breakers - and I do. Anyone with addictions, active or inactive, are off limits (it only took me two broken engagements and one shredded heart to cure me of my particular bad habit). But then I met a man whom I never would have considered dating, and fell promptly in love. NEVER write widowed conservative fathers of 5 off your list. I am now one of the happiest married women I know, with 5 step kids and a healthy controvestial political home life. Who knew?
27. Jen Mahler said:
Oh and I just remembered one more: Any man who trys to move towards the bathroom door, open it, sit on the toilet to take a poo, WHILE CONTINUING TO CONVERSE WITH ME WITH THE DOOR OPEN, especially in our first week of dating, MUST go. (Yes, this happened to me.)
28. kntaylor77 said:
When I think of deal breakers, I think of my sister's husband. She was an innocent little Mormon virgin when she got married, yay for her, and when they started dating, he would listen to the worst woman-hating horrible music ever in the car with her. Stuff that made me, who curses like a sailor and was NOT an innocent little Mormon virgin, want to go home and wash MY mouth out just for hearing it. She never said anything. I always thought that was a bad sign. Sure enough, on their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into pretty lingerie for her first time with him, and when she comes out, he's buck naked on the bed with his legs spread waiting for her. I bet it made her feel real special.
29. thejoyof said:
My sister once broke up with a guy because his thumbs were too small. She broke up with the next guy because he wore black socks with sandals.
Deal breaker for me? Must love dogs.
30. bushra said:
everything about my mister is a deal breaker, but here we are.
31. RedneckDiva said:
Gratuitous lack of teeth. And trust me, around here, this is a very, very high possibility.
32. Jill said:
I once went out with a guy who showed up for our date in gray cords. The skinny kind that were probably Wrangler brand. That was it for him.
Notwithstanding the above, my husband once showed up for a date in a kelly green sport coat. I married him anyway. Go figure.
33. Jill said:
I once went out with a guy who showed up for our date in gray cords. The skinny kind that were probably Wrangler brand. That was it for him.
Notwithstanding the above, my husband once showed up for a date in a kelly green sport coat. I married him anyway. Go figure.
34. NinasMom said:
I was never able to date men that are shorter than me, or can fit into my jeans (one of my dates actually did this and it drove me to a liquid diet of rum and DIET coke for days). This may seem shallow, but 1) I'm 5'10" and a size 6 and 2)Shorter men that I attempted to date always seemed to have something to say to my chest.
35. juliloquy said:
Two words: Mommy issues.
36. cagey said:
I had to quit dating a guy because 1) he didn't like onions and since I primarily cook Indian, nearly everything I cook BEGINS with an onion and 2) he complained like a whiny baby everytime I had to work late. I was a CPA in public accounting - HELLO.
37. elizabeth said:
liars and thiefs are usually no good. republicans, guys who actively attend church, fanatical notre dame fans, and guys who wear those awful sunglasses that transition from regular glasses to sunglasses also probably won't get much more than a first date.
38. Bruno said:
Men who attempt to correct your opinions. ‘This is my favorite Bruce Springsteen song’. “This is not the best Bruce Springsteen song’. ‘I love the calamari here’ ‘This calamari is not really THAT good’. Not to mention the gay men, I hated dating the gay.
39. Pete Dunn said:
I made a full list over here...
http://fiddley.com/archive/200608/killing_the_mood
40. NinasMom said:
Sorry about the poor grammer. I switched from present to past tense (since I'm now married and no longer dating) and didn't bother proofing. Not that anyone cares!
41. Jason said:
Blonds would be a dealbreaker for me, it's not that I have anything agaist them, it just doesn't do anything for me.
To add to the pile, drug users would be shown the door quickly, as would strict right wingers, hatemongers, and bible-thumbers. I think could work with just about all others.
42. Ms. Jen said:
My deal makers/breakers are as follows:
1) No drugs
2) Light/moderate drinking
3) Must have backbone and like intelligent, strong opinionated women.
4) Please no atheists or agnostics. I don't want to fight at dinner with you because you can't believe that an intelligent person would believe in God, let alone be a Christian.
5) Hands. Hugs. Both should be strong.
As my friend Julie Wanda likes to say, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
43. Teetotaled said:
Dealbreakers:
Alcoholics
Smokers
Men who hate pets
Men who are rude and arrogant to waitstaff
Men who talk loudly or answer cell phones in the movies
Cheaters!
Men who have no opinion, "What is your favorite restaurant? Whichever restaurant is your favorite!" Boo!
Men who only wear hats and are afraid to show their head
Bad kissers
Men who take 2.5 hours to get ready
Men who hate to read
44. Molly said:
Ha, ha, I'm cracking up because while, IN THEORY, I would agree with the gold chain wearing deal breaker. . .my boyfriend of two years never takes his off. (It's even a crucifix! I know, I KNOW!) He can't help it, he's a sweet dear of a macho Italian guy whom I wouldn't trade for ANYONE, but wearing gold chains is in the blood!
But I have to say, after our first date, after gushing about how great he was, that was the "but. . ." to my girlfriends. "Yeah, he's awesome, but. . . he wears more jewelry than I do. . ." Ah well, but still it works!
Thinking homosexuals are stupid is a dealbreaker ("oh honey, then you're going to HATE both your potential future brothers-in-law. . ."); even being CLOSE to my weight is a deal breaker, can I help it that I'd built like Wonder Woman? Not a teenincy little thing, and I need a guy who makes me feel small; must love dogs (my guy has fully adopted my little beagle girl); and. . . must be GENEROUS in the bedroom. You ladies know what I mean. I dated a guy ONCE who didn't like it. . .back when I was young and didn't know any damn better. Every since I found out that REAL MEN love it, I will NEVER go back!!
45. Karen Rani said:
So many stories, so little time.
Deal breakers:
Men who love clogs (sorry Jon - my hubby would never ever wear those things);
Nose-pickers - yanno, without Kleenex - bare fingers are BAAAAD;
Cheater cheater, pumpkin eaters;
Liars;
Men who treat their Mother's like crap - Daren's mom rocks and he is good to her;
Small twig and berries (grin)
Poor hygiene (have you read True Wife Confessions? My GAWD!)
Substance abuse - you know, more than me I mean;
so many more to list but I gotta grab Troll Baby from pre-school.
I can't wait to read everyone elses!
46. JulieBurns said:
In the early '90s I dated this really cute and nice guy. I quickly ended it after our first sleepover. All night he made this horrible oinking noise. In light of that I was suddenly turned off by the fact that he drove a Suburban and was a volunteer fireman during his break from college. Now that I look back, I can't believe I walked away from all the positive things about him.
47. Darlin' said:
I once went out with a guy who casually mentioned that his ex-girlfriend was going into labor with his baby that night but he choose to go to the hockey game instead because they weren't together anymore. Ummmmm yeah. Dealbreaker.
48. ErinMqt said:
What should have been deal-breakers for me were 1) my then boyfriend telling me that men have an animal instinct to mate with the best female, and he didn't know if that was me, and 2) another boyfriend comparing me to his ex, several times.
Ugh, I was such an idiot. But I didn't realize it until I had someone wonderful (my now husband) to compare all the rest against.
In general, my deal-breaker would be someone who was shallow. Like, not liking me because of the way my hands look, or because of the color of my hair. Apparently I would never hook up with some of these commenters ;-)
49. smoness said:
Bad kisser = bad in bed. Must love themselves as much as they love me. Do not be waiting for me in the bed of my truck at six-o'clock in the morning with Starbucks, or draw a portrait of me with pasted pictures of your face all around it.
50. Sunshine said:
On the first date, we went to a concert that was so loud he didn't have the opportunity to indicate what a complete and total idiot he was (and probably still is).
On the second date, he told me that my dad was the kind of guy who needed to have boys to play ball with and to go fishing with (I was still living at home at the time...a LOOOOONG time ago) -- keep in mind that t the time I was working construction and my sister was lettering in football (and he knew this!). I told him that she and I do fish with our dad, and we bait our own fucking hooks.
When he dropped me off, his idea of a compliment was to tell me that with hips like mine I could pump out twins without breaking a sweat (I was a 36-24-36 at the time!). (I felt like tracking him down when my son was born and saying "Twins? HA! Stupid bastard, I had to have a c-section for ONE!")
He actually called me the next day to ask what he said that made me slam and lock the door in his face and turn out the porch light, leaving him to pick his way back to his car in the dark.
51. Bess said:
I once went out with a very sweet, rough-around-the-edges, attractive guy and found out halfway through the date that he chewed tobacco, which would make any degree of phyical intimacy beyond handholding completely, repugnantly impossible. Bloar.
I don't like guys who are too nice, either. If you can't be a little bit of a bastard sometimes, then I'm likely to accidentally crush you beneath my bootheel, which I would feel badly about later. And I don't need that kind of guilt.
Also, *must* appreciate the Big Lebowski.
52. rockr girl said:
i have a multitude, but i am trying to be more tolerant seeing as how i am 30, single, and apparently my eggs are rotting. Thanks for that helpful info, 20/20!
but overall, the deal breakers/makers are:
must be able to eventually say the words "i love you" and actually MEAN IT. saying it in public gets him bonus points.
must be passionate about something in his life. art, music, books, coffee. i don't care, but please have a hobby other than xbox. but music would be pretty awesome.
no religous fanatics. if you can't help but try to convert me, find another project. and i dont need you to pray over my mortal soul.
be a big boy. as in, have some initiative, drive, onus and purpose in your life!! i dated a guy for 3 years who was laid off in the .com bust who was out of work for TWO YEARS. i hear starbucks is hiring, jackass. get a job, pay your bills.
be upfront about where you stand on things - religon, politics, children. don't pretend that its all cool, and then renig on the deal down the road. chances are, if a girl wants kids, then her man should too. or else it ain't gonna work.
53. linda said:
I once stopped dating a guy because he was allergic to tomatoes. I'm Italian. Life with out tomato based sauce? I don't think so! More seriously, I spent far to long with someone who became verbally abusive after a couple of glasses of wine. He wasn't falling down drunk, but got really, really mean. At the time I didn't realize that abuse didn't have to be physical to have a dramatic impact. That was a lot of years ago. I'm *much* smarter now. Also - married to the most wonderful man in the world, who truly appreciates and loves me. December we will celebrate our 20th anniversary!
54. Bruno said:
OH! I almost forgot about the guy who believed in faith healers. He was so cute I tried to pretend he didn't think that some dude could cure your arthritis by like...yelling at it or something.
55. Heather said:
Deal breakers? Well, there are plenty I ignore, but here are a few big ones:
1. Bad teeth.
2. I don't mind a small penis, just when the guy is obsessed with pointing it out and talks constantly about how small it is.
3. Shows up late without attempting to contact me and let me know.
4. Addicts - alcholoics - chew/smoke - yuck.
5. Lives at home.
Interestingly enough, most of these are characteristics of my ex...
56. uppahand said:
A date once told me that when he finished brushing his teeth at night, he never rinsed the toothbrush off before putting it back in the holder. Why?
"In case I wake up the next day and am out of toothpaste, I at least have something of a paste already on the brush."
In case you were wondering who holds the world record for "Fastest Recollection of That Very Important Thing She Had To Do and Had To Leave Right then So Sorry Thanks For Dinner I'll See You Around..." That'd be me.
57. mj said:
I have trouble even being friends with guys who leave more than 3 buttons on their shirts unbuttoned. Double red flag if there's chest hair showing at the dinner table.
58. eskimo pie said:
If he's shorter than me I'm not going to fall for him. Tried it. Couldn't get over it. Hey, if a guy can say he's a leg man, why can't I say I like 'em tall and lanky?
59. SaraSue said:
Slobs, plain and simple. I can't live with someone who doesn't care enough about themselves to be clean. Amen.
60. Jo-Anne said:
Women who smoke, that would definitely top my list.
Then there's not brushing their teeth on a regular and daily basis, those allergic to cats and dogs, are bigoted, racist, fat-phobic or self-haters, those with internalized homophobia - you'd be surprised how many lesbians are!
61. serafina pekkala said:
Ah, the vagaries of online dating...actual dealbreaking moments:
1 -- Lied about his height. I am 5'10" and he said he was the same. Um, no. If I can see over your head, you are a liar.
2 -- On first date, stacked up his phone, PDA and Blackberry (this was a while ago, I'm sure now he has one thingamabob that does it ALL) in a little pyre in the middle of the table at the restaurant. You know, in case something more important came up.
3 -- At end of first date, after many hours of online chat, wonderful conversation, dinner, movie, walking, smooching, planning next date, got suddenly morose...about his divorce. Which just happened. Three months ago. Buh-bye.
What's funny is that my new husband (!) is the last guy I met online, and he was aflutter with red flags (divorced, living in his parents' basement, growing a goatee!) and yet it all worked out...four years later, anyway. ;-)
62. Momish said:
Mullets, definately mullets. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw old pictures of my husband sporting a mullet of two long Shirley Temple curls. I briefly considered getting an annulment, that's how bad it was. Another deal breaker? Tucking shirts in and NOT wearing a belt! Ugh!
63. Kate said:
The four deal breakers:
1) Okay, seriously. I hate, hate, HATE it when some guy tries to kiss my hand. It's always so forced. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, he's trying to be chivalrous or something but all I can think of is 'why is he trying to sniff my hand?'
2) Also, guys who wear trench-coats when it's not raining. Seriously dude, what are you planning on doing later, flashing old ladies? Hiding a shotgun? Buy a frickin’ jacket.
3) Another thing, I've 5'2", if I can't wear 3 inch heels and you still be taller we have a problem.
4) And finally...big noses. I hate big noses. I like tiny little noses with tiny little nostrils. Think of a young Robert Wagner or young John Taylor from Duran Duran. Simon LeBon's need not apply.
Fortunately I am now married to a guy who:
1) Has never made any attempt to kiss my hand in 12 years. Heck, the dude doesn't even hold a chair out for me or open a door. Believe it or not, this is fine, since he tells me I am beautiful and brilliant all the time. Would rather that than pretentious social stuff.
2) Does not own a trench coat. Generally just gets wet when it rains because he never remembers an umbrella either.
3) Is 6'3" -- I can't wear heels high enough. I swear I was wearing 3" heels when we got married and I still look like I'm standing in a ditch.
4) Has a nose the size of a postage stamp. Really, really abnormally tiny.
So, generally speaking, I’m happy with what I got. But other men still sometimes try and kiss my hand. EWWWW. Gross.
64. Audrey said:
Deal-breakers:
Bad teeth; inability to have an intelligent conversation; inability to discuss a difference of opinion because he is too busy telling me how right he is to even listen to what I have to say; being a cat person.
65. Esmter said:
there's that fine line when it comes to personal grooming...
if the guy in question has either ear or nose hair, or excessively hairy knuckles, i'm out.
on the other end of the spectrum, if his eyebrows are waxed neater than mine and he gets a manicure more often than I do, i'm also out.
66. uppahand said:
Oh and then there was the guy that told me that men like monogamy and all, but eventually they are overcome with an urge to go out and just "spray everywhere."
Damn. Remembering these fools makes me want to go home and squeeze my (kick-ass) husband!
67. Nikki said:
bad teeth. no funky crooked teeth for me. and please don't spell a lot alot. that always bugs me.
68. Carolynne said:
Oddly enough, I just posted this week about my own deal-breakers. Top of the list: guys who can't eat with their hands, guys who don't like my dog (or dogs in general), guys who cry more than I do. And I have to agree with everyone else about the gold chain and chest hair combo.
69. someoneinflorida said:
1. I will not date a person who doesn't like dogs. If he walks into my house and greets my dogs first, he's in. (; This goes for friends, too. I find it hard to tolerate someone who doesn't like dogs. I feel like there's something wrong with their character.
2. I broke up with a guy because he said women should never be allowed to breastfeed in public.
3. Addicts. Seriously, I can't handle it. If I find out you habitually pop pills (the pill poppers are the worst) I'm no longer taking your calls.
4. Folks with religious beliefs I find wholly irrational. I am all for religious freedom, but I can't date someone who believes a lot of arbitrary stuff. I dig on the scientists.
5. Helpless people. This person can't do a damn thing for himself. His mom probably did everything for him when he lived at home and he never figured out how to live on his own. He is looking for you to take over the mommy position. No thanks.
6. Those not at all interested in politics, world news, or anything else that is serious. I have known some folks who were great people, but they were unaware of the world around them. They lived in their own little happy world where you hung out, cooked, and listened to music. Yeah, we had fun, but, man, read something! Please! These people are the worst when they pay NO attention to the news or to worldy events, yet have very strong opinions about these things.
7. mean know-it-alls. They're always trying to one-up you. They're always trying to compete in every conversation and they go out of their way to prove you wrong or to try to make you feel stupid in front of other people.
With all of this said, I have found a man who is perfect for me and I have been with him for 4 and a half years. yay!
70. officerlove said:
I totally agree with Melissa, but I have to add that I will not date anyone who is liberal or democrat in any way. Also anyone who doesn't get along with his family- I am a family person. The jewelry thing is big for me too.
71. hoxwrth said:
Cheap and/or stingy. This guy I dated once rummaged through a dumpster in the parking lot of a restaurant undergoing a remodel--he retrieved the insulation from it to use at home. His Christmas gift to my parents was a tiny recycled jar he filled with candy. He was also extremely emotionally stingy. Oh, and he cheated on me so I guess that would be the number 1 deal-breaker.
72. Littlehoney said:
I am SO GLAD to see some of my deal-breakers listed. (my friends think I'm crazy for some of them). I'm totally in agreement with the man-jewelry and also the grammar. BAD!! I also have a three-date rule. I got really tired of dating the "gentleman" type (you know, the quiet cowboy) who would wait till like the 4th date to kiss the girl and would ask first. MY GOD! Seriously - buck up already. So, yeah if we played that "are you gonna kiss me?" "should I tilt my head this way so you will?" "or won't" game for 3 dates, I'm out. (My poor boyfriend kew me for six years before we got together - he was very worried about this three-date rule.) lol
73. sharkcutie said:
In my callow youth (up to my late 30s), I used to say I wouldn't date anybody with red pubic hair (sorry redheads--it was the result of a Playgirl photo I saw at 17), less body hair than I had or thighs thinner than mine. Now, in my desparate middle age, I just avoid non-readers, people who say they don't care about politics and people who love George Bush.
74. monkeyaker said:
I dated a guy a few times- things were going well. I liked him a lot. Then one day, after we ate, he had all this stuff in his teeth. A LOT. It was almost as if he had braces, but he didn't. I never went out with him again.
And if I don't like the way the bottom of his pants hits the top of his shoes, he's out too.
Oh, and they're out if they voted for GW.
And, sometimes if they're convicted murderers.
75. bethbeth said:
My only true deal-breaker is the "crazy" ex-girlfriend. This sends up so many red flags for me now.
(1) This guy dated, and was in a serious relationship with, someone who either IS crazy or he considers is crazy, bad sign for his own sanity or judgement.
(2) Often the "crazy" ex-girlfriend is someone no more off-center than average, whose break-up (or maybe the relationship itself) was handled badly -- more points off for the boy in question.
(3) Invariably, the "crazy" ex-girlfriend who keeps calling, or showing up, or sends out spies to follow you guys, is being used to make you, the new date, feel a little off-center and like you automatically have some competition. And you are probably being used to keep the ex-girlfriend attached and stroking his ego by desperate attempts to get his attention.
In other words, this guy is a narcissist and manipulative. If you stay with this guy you will become the next "crazy" ex-girlfriend.
76. rebecca said:
OMG, these are so funny.
I've been happily married for 15 years & for a few years before I did marry, I actually had a list of qualities I wanted in a potential partner - including:
intelligent
good sense of humor
honesty
reliably employed
crazy about ME
I never wrote down a list of deal-breakers, but past experience told me I did NOT want any of the following:
alcohol/drug abuser
liar
any hint of potential physical abuse
can't stop ogling other women
Bad hygiene is a real turn-off too. I have a painfully acute sense of smell, and if you smell bad, I don't want to hug or kiss you.
77. beth said:
bad dental hygiene. that is the only one that is a right-off-the-bat deal breaker. I cannot live with anyone who doesn't maintain the same level as I do, and I don't think twice a day brushing and twice a year checkups is too much to ask of any human.
after that initial sizing up, like checking out a horse, we move on to deal breakers like hating dogs, hating gays, or being a republican.
78. Kate said:
Officerlove:
Just a question, doesn't limiting your options to Agnostic/Atheist Conservative Republicans *really* limit your options? Kind of like only being willing to date blind painters or deaf musicians? I mean they're out there but how many of them are there? Three? Five?
79. jawnbc said:
Pretty simple:
1. smoker. You can power wash your throat and you'll still have shit breath. And will still die horribly. Neither interests me
2. obsessed with $$$.
3. Small cock (or ginormous one). "too big or too small is too bad..."
4. major internalized homophobia. if you constantly have to diss other gays because of their not-like-you-ness, go find yourself another self-loathing homo.
80. meninaprons said:
Deal Breaker: She ate a 5-stack of pancakes at IHOP (and syrup) with her bare hands. Looked like she was trying to eat a hamburger.
81. kelp30 said:
I used to have a short list of requirements for dating: Single, straight, can't live with mother, must have career... That was all.
But the dealbreakers? they're amazing. Once, I had a man who stood me up tell me he couldn't apologize because he was free in Christ...
Once, an interested man (who never got around to asking me out) asked if I'd like to meet Willem Dafoe... because he knew him. He could arrange it...
Why can't it be easy, like in Junior High School, when boys who liked you hit you a lot - and violence towards women was the only dealbreaker I had?
82. Sarcomical said:
ooh.
i think one of mine is that it's cool to be with a guy who's all handsy and touchy and flirty and whatnot at the beginning because you're all "whoo! he's touching me! awesome."
but then you see that he's like that with every woman in arm's reach. and then he won't stop coming up behind you with the hug around the waist and eventually you just want to say "please. just...stay THAT far away from me for a while".
ahh, high school.
83. kelp30 said:
I used to have a short list of requirements for dating: Single, straight, can't live with mother, must have career... That was all.
But the dealbreakers? they're amazing. Once, I had a man who stood me up tell me he couldn't apologize because he was free in Christ...
Once, an interested man (who never got around to asking me out) asked if I'd like to meet Willem Dafoe... because he knew him. He could arrange it...
Why can't it be easy, like in Junior High School, when boys who liked you hit you a lot - and violence towards women was the only dealbreaker I had?
84. officerlove said:
Kate,
I knew my opinion would upset some liberal out there. Well, how about you date whoever you want and I will do the same. I don't like athiests by the way, I was referring to the comment above the religious one. But thanks for the concern...
P.S. I love George W. Bush.
85. kelp30 said:
I used to have a short list of requirements for dating: Single, straight, can't live with mother, must have career... That was all.
But the dealbreakers? they're amazing. Once, I had a man who stood me up tell me he couldn't apologize because he was free in Christ...
Once, an interested man (who never got around to asking me out) asked if I'd like to meet Willem Dafoe... because he knew him. He could arrange it...
Why can't it be easy, like in Junior High School, when boys who liked you hit you a lot - and violence towards women was the only dealbreaker I had?
86. Sarcomical said:
oh, and nosepicking.
nosepicking would definitely be a deal-breaker.
87. lawyerish said:
I've never been much the dating type (by choice, and not -- a "friend" in high school told me that I was not the type of girl guys dated; I was the type they married, which of course begs the question of how you marry someone without dating them first, but I digress). I have generally fallen into relationships after being friends with the guy first, sometimes for long periods of time. This allows me to weed out men with gaping flaws before even getting to the dating stage.
However, the couple of dates I have been on have not gone particularly well (it happens that I just wrote about my high school dating follies this week).
One memorable date when I was in law school involved the guy doing his horrifically unfunny stand-up routine for me (he was an aspiring comic, although his only television credit to date is a Hair Club for Men commercial) and the bartender sending me a free drink in sympathy as I sat there, not laughing, for over an hour. The date only degraded from there, as the guy proceeded to get into a fist fight with someone who accidentally brushed against my arm.
So I guess two deal-breakers for me would be (1) a lack of a sense of humor and (2) a propensity toward violence. Along with the usual -- racism, sexism, homophobia, mother issues, strange tics, being shorter than 5'11", being covered in boils, bad table manners, sneezing without covering his mouth, an insistence upon sharing food at restaurants, excessive skinniness, gold jewelry, a Southern accent, celibacy, and a criminal record.
God, am I glad I'm married.
88. ken . said:
Maybe it's different for guys, or maybe it was just different for me, but back in my dating days I'd go out with any woman who would have me. And now, if I were to think about dating again, I'd go for variety: smokers, tall women, big women, tiny women, talkers, silenters, crazies, tattooers, piercers, young 'uns, old 'uns, even Republicans (but just once). As long as she had good manners.
89. jenniferc said:
cheating / excessive drugs / being an asshole or a child
a dated an irish guy named fergus once. he told me on our 2nd date that he was the youngest of 13 and was used tobeing taken care of (laundry/cooking/etc). no more dates but i still got free guinness at his pub in SF for a while.
90. kidsmom said:
Someone who's IQ is more than I0 points below mine. I don't know what my IQ is, but my kids' have IQs over 150, so if genetics work, I'm holding my own.
Oh, and people unfamiliar with soap and toothpaste.
91. bellabugs_mom said:
I have had the worst luck with in-laws and potential in-laws. Are there any men out there with truly normal parents? And by normal I mean parents who won't let my toddler eat dog poop. And if they did, when I freak out about it, won't respond with, "When B (my sister-in-law) was little, she got worms several times from playing with cat and dog poop. It's no big deal."
Are you fucking with me? Am I getting punk'd?
Believe it or not, my in-laws from my first marriage made these people look like the definition of normalcy.
All of this, just to tell you my dealbreaker...
If I were ever in the position to start dating again. I think I would need to know up front if his parents are still living. If the answer is yes. Dealbreaker.
I'm not taking any chances.
92. KellyC said:
No offense to any smokers out there, but "smoking" was a dealbreaker for me in the past. The smell on a smoker's breath makes me nearly vomit. I think I'm allergic or something.
Kelly
93. gleek said:
the one deal breaker that can be surmised before all other deal breakers for me (because all the other deal breakers involve either talking or clothes coming off) is pleated pants. MEN, HERE THIS! pleated pants actually make your butt LOOK BIGGER! ugh, if i see even ONE pleat, i'm outta there.
thankfully my husband passed that test the first time i saw him :)
94. AndreaBT said:
I used to have a lot of deal breakers:
Can't smoke;
Must be a Christian;
Can't be of the "wrong" political party;
And more.
Then I married an agnostic Communist who smoked.
OK, well, he wasn't technically Communist, but he did live most of his life in China under that influence. Anyway, we've been married 10 1/2 years, have two kids with one on the way, and we're doing great. It doesn't hurt that he did stop smoking and did decide quite on his own to become a Christian, but as of now my only deal breakers are infidelity and/or abuse of any kind.
95. Mary Dawn said:
back hair!!!
96. grliegrl21 said:
It's quite simple. I have only one deal breaker: a strong love for The Dave Matthews Band. Everything else is negotiable.
97. Rebecca said:
Once upon a time I met a charming, funny, cute and very tall young man. We shared several phone conversations, a handful of witty emails and a really fun first date. And then for our second date, he showed up wearing a mock turtleneck. The end.
98. bellacantare said:
No matter how cute the guy might be, smokers end up being a deal breaker for me. But only because I get annoyed with their smoke and then the guy gets annoyed with my being annoyed with his smoke and so we become mutual deal breakers.
Also, a bad laugh. I once dated a guy with a really awful, gasping for air kind of laugh...that was really only the beginning of his insanity, so I pretty much see him and anoyone like him as one big deal breaker.
99. erink said:
i guess the biggest deal breaker was after we had sex for the first time, he triumphantly pumped his fist in the air & said "that was awesome!" i never went out with him again.
most every guy i dated had a red flag..all except the one i married.
100. starchitect said:
When a guy shows right off the bat that he's got major baggage/issues...I went on a first (and only) date with a guy I met and within 20 minutes of meeting him at the restaurant, he had told me all about his 'bitch of an ex wife' and how she had 'ruined his life forever' and how he was having a hard time getting past it. Within 20 minutes!! Gah...
Also, if a guy is a picky eater, really messy or has no interest in culture/the arts - these are all deal breakers.
101. sherships said:
I never used to think of myself as the picky type, but, after a couple of weird dates I changed.
1. Mom-haters.
There was the guy I met at a new years party: smart, cute, a writer for a VERY well regarded magazine. Why was he single? Who cares! He asked me out! Fifteen minutes into our first date he told me that he never gave his mother his phone numbers and then proceeded to spend the next half hour talking about how much he hated her. That was my shortest date ever!
2. Guys obsessed with feminine hygiene
It was that time of the month and after using the bathroom at this guy's apartment I came back a few minutes later to find that he'd rooted through the garbage and pulled out my USED FEMININE HYGIENE product!! He said he just wanted to know what was going on down there. Why not just ask??
102. faustina said:
What a great idea. I never have anything real to write about.
My deal breakers, sadly looking back I really didn't have nearly enough. The one that now sticks out in my mind is the dealbreaker of a guy ACTUALLY LIKING ME. Somehow I never dated men who liked me, just the ones I liked, that I thought held some sort of qualities I should have. My husband was the first man I dated who liked me before hand. Sounds pathetic huh lol.
103. M to the D O Double G said:
Deal breakers:
1. Republicans. Dated and dumped a guy who flew an F-16.
2. Short men. I'm 5'2". Most of my boyfriends were over 6 feet and my husband is 6'4".
3. Thinner thighs than mine. I played soccer for 12 years and it still shows.
4. Dumb guys. I dated a ridiculously hot, ridiculously stupid guy for three months. I was embarrassed to take him out with my friends and had to take the "Just shut up and look pretty" approach. Which worked, for 3 months.
5. Business majors. Most of them get weeded out at the 'Republican', and 'Dumb' steps, but I can't handle guys whose ultimate goal is to make more money. Vomit.
104. Sarah Beth said:
If he could out-fillibuster Ted Kennedy, he's a goner; I can run my mouth like a champ, but I know when to shut it. Men who cannot string together a complete, grammatical sentence are out. Also, if the last book he read was "Curious George" at age 5 he's a goner. In addition, other deal breakers are: liars, cheaters, homophobes, Republicans, and Bible-bangers.
If he doesn't like to travel, tells me which of my friends are hot, wears white tennis shoes and/or tapered-faded jeans, collects comic books, watches NASCAR, hunts, plays video games, smokes, dislikes dogs, or drinks lite beer, he's done.
I once dated a man who wore Cocoa Butter moisturizer. NOT Kosher, my friends, not Kosher, nor is asking me to have sex while watching porn. Watch that in your own spare time, thanks.
105. quirky said:
Doesn't "get" the following movies:
Waiting for Guffman
Best in Show
The Big Lebowski
Anchorman
106. Dirty Librarian said:
My aunt went on a series of terrible blind dates and gave me the following advice:
"Any man you date must have a job and teeth."
My worst [first and only] date was with a guy who had a job (said to meet him at his workplace and he worked from home) and teeth, but ran over a cat whilst driving me home. 'Bye.
Additional dealbreakers include working at the counter of a fast food establishment, telling me I look too butch to be straight, poor personal hygiene, grabbing my breasts in public, being rude to waitstaff and tipping poorly, being rude to cab drivers and tipping poorly (unless the ride was super, super scary), inappropriate loudness, and changing opinions in order to always agree with me.
107. Roger said:
How about deal makers….
My dream girl would be a long legged blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a liquor store.
108. starchitect said:
Oh, and there was one guy I was seeing for a while, and the first time we had sex, as we were getting started he said "Tally Ho!!"
WTF?!?!?!
But I was glad I got the very clear sign that he was NOT the one.
109. Dirty Librarian said:
My aunt went on a series of terrible blind dates and gave me the following advice:
"Any man you date must have a job and teeth."
My worst [first and only] date was with a guy who had a job (said to meet him at his workplace and he worked from home) and teeth, but ran over a cat whilst driving me home. 'Bye.
Additional dealbreakers include working at the counter of a fast food establishment, telling me I look too butch to be straight, poor personal hygiene, grabbing my breasts in public, being rude to waitstaff and tipping poorly, being rude to cab drivers and tipping poorly (unless the ride was super, super scary), inappropriate loudness, and changing opinions in order to always agree with me.
110. Smlarson_design said:
If a guy has sticky lips. I was on a second date with a guy who was reasonably cute and we kissed goodnight and his lips were sticky with that nasty film you get if you haven't eaten or had anything to drink recently. Bleh... that was it.
111. Cyclothymia said:
Politics aside, guys who are lousy tippers or overly picky about their service. I had a date once where the waiter asked if we'd like pepper, and while the waiter was grinding the pepper onto my date's food, my date started talking to me, lost track of what was going on, and then sent his food back for having too much pepper. Then left a 5% tip for the pepper incident. Only mama's boys do that, or power freaks. Or total cheapskates.
112. saliesas said:
I think this one goes beyond red flag status into big orange cone with a yellow blinking light. I went on a date with a guy who, in all seriousness, if he could pee on me. Pee on me! This was 4 years ago and I am still speechless.
113. saliesas said:
I think this one goes beyond red flag status into big orange cone with a yellow blinking light. I went on a date with a guy who, in all seriousness, asked me if he could pee on me. Pee on me! This was 4 years ago and I am still speechless.
114. Anne Glamore said:
The guy who took me bowling, asked if I wanted something to drink, and ordered a Coke after I'd ordered a beer. Only after I'd finished two more did he tell me we were meeting the rest of his Young Life (church!!!) group for STILL MORE bowling. Didn't I deserve a warning about the rest of the evening's plans so I could decide whether I wanted to be the poster child for high school debauchery or not?
115. HeathsB said:
One of my red flags was a man who couldn't handle their alcohol.... I once went on a date with a guy who puked on the inside and outside of my car when I drove him home from one of my parties. The other red flag is when the guy smells like he is sweating alcohol out of his pours in the mroning before he showers and you could get drunk of his fumes.
116. Tori said:
Deal Breakers: Aside from the normal addiction problems.
Cheaters (I was suprised I didn't see this more)
If he thinks it's wierd that I ride the bus, I live in Portland- everyone rides the bus.
If he doesn't get out of the house at least once a day to do something active.
If he can't drive, not that he doesn't have a car but that he can't drive because he never learned or has so many tickets that his privledge has been taken away.
Not appreciating my music.
Deal Makers:
Letting me choose the music in the car
Cooking for me, even if it's soup from a can when I'm sick. It's the thought that counts.
Letting me sleep when I'm napping and snuggling in with me rather than getting wierd that I've passed out waiting for him. My past 2 boyfriends have done this.
Not being my knight in shining armor, I like taking care of changing my own tires and working on the car. If I need help I'll ask.
Letting me hang out with his buddies and not getting all freaked out about it.
117. Jennifer Schutz said:
Football. I will never date a man who watches football. I spent too many Sundays of my youth bored out of my minds while my brothers and father cheered on the Giants. Actually, I will never date a man who is into watching any sport on TV (Superbowl and Olympics are exceptions that I'm willing to overlook).
Also, video games. If he is into video games, it's over. Same reason as above.
118. megantidd said:
Deal Breakers: I stopped dating a guy after he told me he had recently 'overcome' being gay, with intense prayer and a fierce regiment of football with burlish lads. Hmm. Right.
119. leahkay said:
Smoking, religious fanaticism, cat hate.
120. Miss Sunni said:
My deal breaker would be someone who is no OK with me being me.
Any guy who had a dream and let it go.
Any guy who doesn't want to be more than he is.
People and habits change. You can teach someone to use a Kleenex and cut their mullet off. But someone who has lost their dreams and has no desire to be more than they are will drag you down into the depths of Hades.
A guy who talks big but doesn't do anything is like sex without an O. You think you're going somewhere, but then...nothing...
121. stephanie said:
while certain things that seem obvious to me would be immediate deal breakers, like total lack of chemistry, homophobia, etc, i'll just be honest here.
lazy eye(s) and/or speech impediments.
there, i said it.
meanwhile, after being largely unemployed for 6+ months with my student loans piling up, i was by luck alone given a job at a font house. and then i heard god laughing when every day i noticed yet another person i worked with had a lazy eye.
122. bc said:
I once broke up with a guy because he wore a neckerchief. It was horrible! I'd already gotten past the too-short pants, and the outfits that looked like his mommy picked them out for him. But the neckerchief was just too much.
I hate long nails on men, men who badmouth their exes (not a good sign), clingy men, and those incapable of communicating with words.
123. Tiggerlane said:
Okay...had a great list going, then it was gone!
I am Virgo and very picky. It's a wonder I got married at all!
MAJOR ones: foreskin, nose-picking in public, rudeness, vanity, men who only want anal sex, Republicans, drunks, hyper-judgmental Christians, guys who openly gawk at big-breasted women, sloppy kissers, men who only want head - no intercourse, back hair, and the BIGGEST one: clumps of deodorant in armpit hair.
And you must test drive the man before you spend a lifetime in his bed. MUST.
124. Runder said:
Jorts.
125. Jenny said:
that's awesome. grats to maggie. i'ma have to check it out once i get the money. i could totally use something like that. i'm out of ideas for blogging.
126. Chookooloonks said:
I once dated a guy for two months who eventually broke up with me because I'm black. Like I somehow TURNED black during the course of our relationship.
Of course, within a week after we broke up, one of my gay friends told me he saw my black-averse ex-boyfriend cruising the bars.
So, you know, I guess it wasn't I was "black" so much as "testosterone-challenged." After that relationship, though, "likes to sleep with men" was definitely a dealbreaker for me.
127. Brin said:
1. Drawn out discussion of his (long format) amateur film in which he mounted the camera to his bike handlebars facing not the scenery, but his face, for over an hour.
2. Sports videogame discussion (although zombie videogames are a gray area)
3. Use of the word "slacks" without UK upbringing or irony.
128. april said:
guys who are quite obviously smitten with another woman and take said woman on kayaking trip on our anniversary.
guys who tell me that the women at work wear nicer boots than the ones I have just proudly purchased.
guys who are disappointed at the bathroom towels I purchased *on sale! with my company discount!* because they do not match our pre-determined color scheme.
self-absorbed pricks
...are all on the 'do not date' list, unfortunately as a result of personal experiences.
129. pears said:
I once went on a first date with a guy I had met while volunteering. My job was to sit behind a counter and register newcomers. I met him for what I didn't reall realize was our first date at a restaurant and the first words out of his mouth were "I've never see you standing up before" - I was about 8 inches taller than him. AND - what I thought was a casual birthday party was a large group of married people, him and I. He didn't get a second date.
130. bc said:
Along those lines, chookooloonks, I don't date guys who think that just because they date a black (or any other color) woman that they aren't racist.
131. Gombi said:
Deal breaker ? Hum... Let see...
A guy with the "I AM GOD" syndrom. Way too frequent.
And I have to say, the chain in the carpet doesn't do it for me neither... Combined with nose-picking ? I am soooo out of there !
132. monkeyaker said:
Stephanie- I totally agree. So at least that's two of us who will be fed-exed straight to hell.
133. liinajb said:
We are not Mormons, but were both virgins when we got married and IT is all good and getting better all the time!
134. marci said:
A guy who smokes. Because their kisses taste icky.
135. Debbie said:
I am soooo guilty of red-flag-blindness. I can't believe I agreed to a second date with the guy who showed up for the first date wearing cammo.
The real deal-breakers that come to mind are:
1) I really don't want to be put in the middle of his problems with his parents; he's got to have at least a decent respectable relationship with his Mom & Dad -- and when I dumped that red-flag guy, I ended up staying friends with his folks. Is that creepy?
2) I don't want to be asked any stupid questions -- as in "You have Bad Santa on DVD? Are you sure you're a Christian??" Also irritating: "Wow, you've got $2,197 in your checking account, why don't you buy me somethin'?"
3) I refuse to put up with anyone who hasn't figured out how to keep himself clean. A spritz of aftershave (from a plant misting bottle) is not an effective substitute for taking a shower, taking a shower but skipping the shampoo portion of the experience is not acceptable, and I don't want to have to explain how SpeedStick is supposed to work, he should know about that already.
4) My last true deal-breaker was the first time a guy took me to his house and I saw all those Carefree Pantyliners strewn about. Seriously. He said he used 'em in his hat to soak up sweat, but seriously...
136. monkey said:
I once dumped a guy cause he was too nice. I mean, TOO NICE. I couldn't picture this guy ever having a nasty, sweaty, romp in the sack. He'd much rather play paintball and listen to Cake on cassette.
Then there was the guy who was all too willing to please me. I told him once "You may not come over my place unless you bring some sort of slushie for me", and he actually did that. The man had no backbone. Plus, he was kinda weird about us having a "connection"- soulmate stuff. And he thought I had multiple personalities cause I sometimes talk in my sleep, therefore he joined a support group for "People who love people with multiple personalities". Then there were the Viking fantasies...ugh. We only dated 2 weeks.
137. Lady_Catherine said:
Smoking. Just no.
Being rude to waitstaff or any service staff. Crappy tipper.
Guys who never make their beds/change their sheets/do their dishes but expect me to do those things when I stay over.
138. virgomezzo said:
People who are mean. Seriously, people who are deliberately mean to other people for the purpose of hurting or humiliating or dehumanizing them. I mean, what the fuck? Not okay.
139. daw8d said:
This is my first time commenting - I basically wanted to say thanks for the great post! Definitely helping me whittle my time away at work. I am always grateful for an interesting distraction.
140. Jennifer in Ohio said:
Skinny men- like if you lean against them, they let out a whimper and fall over. I like big guys- and I'm not just talking about the organ DOWN THERE- I like them tall and beefy.
Chauvinists
People who yell a lot- this isn't a pep rally, this is a living room and you're making me deaf.
Long hair, mustache (I like goatees and sometimes beards in the winter, but just the stache? NO WAY). Cat haters, metrosexuals, long-winded types- they take forever to tell a simple story. Guys who forget the punch line. Guys who want to run their fingers through my hair (I have coarse curly hair, and that activity is NOT compatible with it). Bullies. Guys who paint their nails- yes, even if they paint them black (sorry Dave Navarro). Pierced nipples. People that don't wipe their feet and view belching and farting as sports. Attendees of tailgating parties. Dirty fingernails. Greasy skin. Yellow teeth. Guys that don't open doors. Guys that pick out their ear wax in public.
141. PG32 said:
honestly...the words "devout Christian" make me run for the hills! Every pervert and control freak I've ever known used those words to describe themselves. I have even counseled my daughter (now 15 and a Christian even though I'm not) to not trust people simply because she's met them at church. In fact, I would be more comfortable if she found her first boyfriend at a bar than at church! At least there she's more likely to run into a person who's NOT attempting to make contact with the world around him on his one good day of the week.
142. bloomingyou said:
Deal Breakers for me:
Talks about how he cheated on his ex-wife
Sits there looking at porn on the computer while I'm in the bed.
Can't figure out when he's really starting to piss people off.
Can't figure out that his opinion isn't the only opinion.
Doesn't have the guts to break up with me in person.
Waits 6 months to tell me that we aren't getting married when he's telling everyone else we know we aren't.
Always breaking our dates because his eldest daughter was in trouble (that should have told me he was not getting divorced at all)
143. epiro said:
I once dated a 36 year old man who lived with his mother. He was in a "transition period" and didn't think he would be living with his mom for very long. Seven months later, I was still trying to persuade him to move out and I finally said, "You know what? Screw it. You are obviously not going to get over this whole mother thing. We're through." Or something to that effect. (I'm sure I dropped a few F-bombs in that conversation.)
I also dated a 45 year old man who was afraid of dogs. I sort of felt sympathy for him because he had been attacked by a dog... but come on, even small dogs made him quiver. Six months later, I said, "I'm sorry, but the dog thing is a deal breaker. I have to have a dog."
144. ChiMedia said:
My deal-breakers are pretty basic, but in my opinion they are very major character flaws.
1. Liars
2. Cheaters
3. A man that corrects you in public. This is my mother's biggest annoyance and she has passed it on to me. There is no reason to correct someone in front of others. Wait until you are alone to do so. Please!
145. Kari said:
Granted he wasn't on a date at the time, but I once sat next to a guy at a professional networking thingy who had a legal pad on the table with his to-do list plainly visible. I thought, surely the first item, "Divorce," didn't refer to an actual divorce, let alone his, but oh yes, it did.
Then he leaned across me to ask my friend if she wanted to go to the movies with him sometime. She did.
Imagine my surprise when he turned out to have major baggage.
146. Jennifer said:
Mama's boys. My college boyfriend? Total mama's boy and mama didn't like me. Wonder why that didn't work out.
Men who hate their mother, and, by extension, hate other women as well. Yeah. You're never going to win in that relationship.
Republicanism. Obviously.
Those are really the big three.
147. no name slob said:
I'll echo the chorus of vetoes on conservatism, bigotry, churchy-ness, dislike of animals, and general abusive or asshole-ish tendencies. Also, for me:
--He must not want kids.
--He must not insist on marriage. No piece of paper for me, thanks!
And, more superficially:
--He really, really should not like crappy music. Although I am totally on-board with the occasional guilty pleasure. Who doesn't like Wham! just a little? Right? Huh?
--It's best if he can keep up with me relatively well when we're drinking. Or if he at least doesn't mind when I get drunk and start talking. AND TALK I WILL.
--He should probably be able to deal with it if (oh, who am kidding, WHEN) I correct his grammar and/or spelling. I'm an editor--I can't help it! Seriously, it's like a tic!
148. Debooki said:
I was invited to have dinner over a guys house, and throughout the evening having drinks and preparing dinner, as it became very late and at 12 midnight, dinner was still not prepared, I let him know I planner on skipping the meal to get home but was met with a Psycho response that I best stay and eat the chicken! Excused myself pretty quick.
Still refer to him as the Psycho late night chicken cooka.
Other bad things are:
small schlongs
tobacco chewers/bad breath
& a big one & that is a telltale sign that they are a true ***hole is if they in anyway treat waitstaff badly
149. Michelle said:
I dated a guy once who ONLY wore hiking boots. Always. I just couldn't see going anywhere swank with him and I like swank. I do like hiking boots when, oh I dunno, I'm HIKING.
150. Tanya said:
I went out with this awesomely hot guy who worked in a bookstore. At the restaurant, I asked him what he likes to read, and he says "Oh, I don't really read."
Did I mention he worked in a bookstore? Yeah.
I gave him one more chance because he was so pretty, and we went out on St Patrick's day. After 2 drinks (my Guinness vs his Rolling Rock) he was *completely* sloshed. Falling down drunk.
Two obvious dealbreakers, but you know, I should have called it off before the first date, when I saw how awful his teeth were.
151. justme said:
Driving slow in the left lane -- the PASSING lane, not the GET PASSED lane. Um, hello!, I'm stuck here in the passenger seat getting the evil eye from every car that has to go around us.
If his mother still picks up the latest and greatest comic books for him every Wednesday when they come out. Not a good sign for the future.
And pleated front pants.
152. Debooki said:
oh god remembered another big icky one. Skid marks on the bed sheets. FREQUENTLY ack. but by then had been intimate with this person blak
153. Mary Jo said:
I dated a guy once named Jon. He kissed me on our second "date". A peck on the lips, seriously. He called me later to tell me what a good kisser I was. It was a PECK, a kiss you give your grandma. Not a real kiss that you compliment. After I dumped him he told my best friend "Beware of Mary Jo, she can be evil". HAH!
154. homemadesin said:
I once had a boyfriend try to hammer a screw into a wall while hanging a picture. I watched him pick up the screw, and watched it drop at least a dozen times before getting a nail, hanging the picture myself, growling in frustration and breaking up with him. A man who cannot hammer or screw is not worth having.
155. Lobsterchick said:
Ho boy. As part of a sociological experimentation gone all too right (titled Immunizing Yourself Against the Bad Date by Going on 1,000,000 of Them ON PURPOSE), date #1 was Luther (pronounced by my sister and me to sound like the "th" in "soothe," not the "th" in "th"), who, when I happened to mention that I once saw a ghost, went into seizures and squealed, right in the middle of the art museum, that it could not be POSSIBLE that I was more connectd to the spirit world than HE WAS. This is after he squealed "OOOH! Tiffany!" In depth knowledge of Tiffany lamps and "connection to the spirit world": Deal breaker.
156. jlee43 said:
Dealbreaker: Bad walker!
I once had a first date with a guy that seemed great... attentive, smart, cute, really into me... when were going to leave the bar where we had met (he was there first and sitting when I got there), he turned to go to the bathroom, and I to the door. I stood there waiting for his return, and when he came out and started walking towards me...oh my!! His arms were bent at 90 degree angles, swinging like he was in an ape marching band and his entire body was bobbing up down within about a range of an entire foot.
Needless to say, there was no second date.
157. Kelly S. said:
I dated a guy who was allergic to everything. I didn't care until he told me he wanted me to wash my hair before I came over to his place. Apparently my Aveda hair product was making his sinuses hurt.
158. abf said:
I dated this guy who, as a conservative Christian, had made a commitment to remain a virgin until marriage and then had slept with someone he anticipated marrying, only to have her dump him.
After that, he wanted to try to save himself once again, but having tasted the devil's flesh, he just couldn't stay away.
Every time we slept together (and I mean EVERY time), he would freak out, like I had personally dragged him by his balls closer to the gates of hell.
It should have been a deal breaker but, instead, it just made me more into it.
A real deal breaker? Something much more superficial.
Like a tank top.
159. thefirecat said:
Since meeting my husband of 363 days and counting, I've come to realise that deal-breakers are, for the most part, relative. (although occasionally they also turn out to be relatives)
I would have to say, in retrospect, that included among deal-breaking qualities would be
: inability to forgive
: inability to attempt change and/or emotional growth
: my GOD, how would I live without this man's sense of humour??
: yeah, addictions are tough. Ditto addictive personalities....but I recognise that tendency exists to varying degrees in most people, so maybe I should just say "addictive personalities that are not under medical, emotional, or recovery-group control, or some reasonable semblance thereof"
But on the other hand, this guy married all of my considerable warts, so it's hard to qualify something as a deal-breaker until it happens. You'd be surprised to find out the things you can deal with and triumph over once you're committed to someone.
Oh yeah. I also forgot to mention the obvious:
: he hits me, or BREATHES in the direction of hitting our children, his ass is out the door in the next patrol car. Divorce optional, living separately mandatory.
Not that this is in my husband's repertoire, you understand, but were he to be possessed by aliens and attempt same.
160. miss kendra said:
i went on a blind date with a guy who was four inches shorter than he claimed to be, told me within moments of meeting that he was a vegan witch whose favorite band sang about dead kittens or something, and then got drunk enough to cause us to be forcibly removed from the establishment.
161. Erica said:
I have 3 deal breakers:
1. A bad driver. I am not sure what it is, but if I am in the car with a man I expect him to be a good driver. I don't mind if he is aggressive, so long as it is within reason. Mainly he has to drive at or above the speed limit, and obey the general rules of the road - if he drives in the left lane at 55 mph I seriously consider jumping out the window. If I think he is a bad driver- relationship is off. Period.
2. He also cannot 1) actually weigh less than me or 2) look like he weighs less than me.
3. He cannot be cheap with his money. It is only money & money should be spent. Not moaned & groaned about.
162. Laurie said:
I'm married now, but I still remember my deal breakers. (and thank god I met someone who managed to handle all of them)
1) How a guy treats people in service (waitstaff, bank tellers, grocery clerks etc..) is in direct relation to how he will treat you
2) Anything extreme. That's extreme republicanism, liberalism, obsessions about football, poker, making money, strip clubs etc.
3) Guys who were to cool for school. It's hard to describe, but I knew them when I saw them. They tend to dress better than me, and just aren't hip and groovy.
4) I'm a big goofball, and anyone who made me feel bad about wanting to sing in the car, or doing my funky chicken dance was not for me.
5) Selfishness. You are not the most important person in the world.
6) Must must MUST get along with my dad. My mom you just have to respect and not trash talk in front of me.
163. Flubberwinkle said:
Animal prints.
Any article of clothing, drapes and sofas included with animal prints is my flashing EXIT sign.
164. Laurie said:
Oh and men who wear white sneakers with jeans, it's an instant no no
165. srah said:
I couldn't think of any "deal breaker" rules I've defined until I was reading through other people's and remembered a guy I was really interested in, and -- yippee -- it turned out he was interested in me too. So we went out on a date and about halfway through he said, "Yeah, I don't really read. I think the last book I read was, like, The Giver in high school."
a) doesn't read
b) hasn't read a book since high school
c) read The Giver in high school? I think I read that in third grade! Who are you, mutant??
Since then, I've only gone out with people I've been friends with for a while, so there won't be any weird surprises like that.
166. syzygy said:
Well since I just experienced this recently I would say anyone who has cheated on a previous partner. I thought because she cheated on an ex husband when she was figuring out if she like women or not it was more about that. Turns out she cheated on me too. How someone leaves says more about them than can be imagined.
167. next of kin said:
Small penis definitely--maybe more so for those S-P guys who claim "it's the motion of the ocean" or some other stupid saying. He's in love with his mother: she is the perfect woman (not that there's anything wrong with her--she's nice...he just can't quit talking about "Mom does it this way."). Claims he's bald because he has more testosterone (and then he's back to talking about the motion of the ocean). Hates his sister (and she seems pretty decent). When the two of you go to a party, he disappears to talk to his friends and you know no one. Is obviously cheap (offers to pack a picnic lunch and then shows up with two leftover biscuits and a tomato, then stops at McD's to steal a plastic knife and mayo. Yes. I dated this creep. I can laugh about it now.
168. Todd kravos said:
Well for me, my list is simple:
You must be male, by birth - no Post-ops, please.
You must be employed.
You must live on your own.
You must have a car.
You must know how to operate a computer.
You must NOT be afraid of dogs, mine dog included.
You must own more than one Sigur Ros track/album/lp what have you.
You must have attended a concert in the last 90 days.
You must know the difference between affect and effect.
Oh and you have to be a really good kisser with a really really really BIG... heart.
=)
169. Sharla said:
I also made a full list on my own blog, but, one big one, like many have said: KISSER. Bad kisser, blech. I like to make out, so seriously, don't eat my face.
170. fiddlehendrix said:
Why the overwhelming hatred of back hair?
My husband has back hair. It's true. He's also an inch shorter than me (I'm 5'9"). But he's handsome, incredibly smart, articulate, sensitive, brings me flowers constantly, LOVES my dog (and dammit, I think she loves him better than me now), supports my professional goals, cooks, and has parents who treat me like a daughter. Oh, and he's awesome in bed. 7 years and counting.
Back hair? Who cares?
Now cheap tipping? That's a smart deal-breaker!
171. ChristineWhat said:
You know, just recently I watched "Sex and the City" with a very similar theme so this is fresh in my mind. My deal breakers are things such as:
cronic depression
drug/alcohol addictions (caffine is ok)
lack of appreciation or gratitude
disrespect
trash/big talking (thinking that street life is the coolest)
crying on the first date (actually happened right there in the restaurant, although technically that wasn't a deal breaker at the time, it is now)
172. TurtleME said:
I have gone by the following advice since I read it in college.
Don't you never go with one who can't build you a house, feed your babies or fix your car. And while clean fingernails, all 32 teeth, and a good education are preferable, under no circumstance are you to walk down the aisle with any feller' who'd kick a dog" --Chastity Whitaker.
173. BaddMinton said:
Deal Breaker = a filthy apartment. If I feel like I need to put toilet paper down before sitting on his toilet seat or don't feel comfortable going barefoot in his house, or drinking water out of his glasses, or sitting down anywhere, or touching anything.
or if I tell him I'm an actor and he says, "I think you mean 'actress.'" Um... If I'm telling you I AM something, I think I probably know what to call it. Unbelievable how many times that has happened.
174. OnePart said:
Ohmigosh, after reading this, I felt like I got the biggest hug EVER. My boyfriend and I have been having problems this week and I'm beginning to see some of my deal-breakers more clearly:
1. Gets me farther into debt
2. Encourages me not to work/hang out with my friends
3. Thinks my ideas are dumb/immature/etc.
4. Talks about how much money he has and then turns a deaf ear when I can't afford to buy OUR dog food.
5. Is controlling
6. Bartends
7. Drinks with both hands
8. Has recently lost a lot of weight (Um, that will come back, you know)
9. Is gay
10. Likes to fake being really really artistic and sentimental saying things like how plastic baggies make them FEEL, like, you know, inside...
11. Forgets to tell me for a year that he has offspring. (At some point, I should probably just blame myself for that one...)
175. sleepingKelly said:
When I was younger, I dated this really kind, intelligent, tallented guy. He was double majoring in business management and vocal performance. He had a great voice. A great choir voice. And he sang opera/choir/classical style ALL THE DAMN TIME. I could no longer enjoy the radio. I couldn't handle it. Though he was a rare jewel, I didn't need to be with Pavarotti.
176. Kaitlin Duck Sherwood said:
I used to think that I had specific deal-breakers: no smokers, no fatties, nobody who had completely different political or religious convictions, etc. But what I found is that those are really preferences, and don't really matter nearly as much as being kind/considerate.
Note that he needs to be kind/considerate to everyone/thing, and that manifests itself in many ways, most of which have been detailed above.
+ If he's considerate of himself, he's not likely to be addicted to food, drugs, or alcohol.
+ If he's considerate of me, he's likely to modify his personal appearance and/or grooming habits to suit me (and won't beat me).
+ If he's considerate of other people, he's not likely to be divorced, feuding with his parents, or rude to service personnel.
Being crazy about me also is a big plus. If I don't absolutely thrill him, he should find someone else. (Note: I believe the tshirt that says, "I am somebody's fantasy". The trick is finding that someone.)
Now, after ten years of being deliriously happy with my husband, I'm much less willing to believe in absolute deal-breakers in case I were widowed. (Okay, I should admit that death is a complete deal-breaker.) If I had to go out looking again, it would be *easier* if he were physically gorgeous and had great teeth and dental hygine and loved what he did and didn't care about the money and shared my political and religious tastes, but those are far, far less important than whether he is kind.
177. Court@RespectRx.com said:
-Bad tipper or haggles over the bill when with a group of friends.
-Calls other women fat.
-Angry guy stuff, like he drives like a maniac on coke. Saftey first, ladies!
-Puts his arm around you on the first date (which is more like a headlock when you're short like me.) Though, my now husband did this on a second date. But I was only like the 2nd person he'd ever dated so he just needed the social memo. Poor kid!
178. Jen T. said:
Dealbreakers: Doesn't read for pleasure, sexual dysfunction, Republican, non-drinker.
179. ChristineWhat said:
Kaitlin--well put!
180. neoskeptic said:
i cannot date women with small vaginas. sorry, ladies. like i once heard a lawyer buddy named Johnnie say, "if it don't fit in you, i'll have to quit you."
also a dealbreaker: hairy nipples, backne, non-alcoholics, whiny liberals, literacy, a driver's license.
181. JulieZP said:
A friend and I once set what would seem to be reasonable "must haves" for the men we would consider dating: must have a job; must not live at home; must have a valid driver's license. We lived in Fort Wayne, Ind., at the time and I think we broke at least one of those rules with the guys we dated for a year! My dates included the reporter who lived with his parents; the wannabe singer/bartender who lived in a trailer on his parents' property; and the restaurant owner who lost his license for a DUI, forcing me to drive us around (oh, and he also served time in prison on a drug charge between date #1 and date #2)!
182. ktmarie said:
Deal breakers:
- Not a Christian
- Liberal
- Doesn't communicate with his family
- No goals in life
- Likes to watch E!
- Unintelligent, and doesn't care
- Low self-esteem
- Isn't completely taken with my daughter when he first meets her :-)
183. Pioneer Woman said:
Dry hands. I once dated a guy who had scaly, dry hands. He was gorgeous, had a law degree, and was intelligent and fun. But I could never hold hands with him.
184. DDM said:
Smokers. And mean fighters. And racists and homophobes. And bad kissers. If I had to pull out the ewey-gooeyist lip gloss I had to avoid having to kiss the guy? He wasn't getting another chance.
185. Kimmy said:
Kaitlin said everything I wanted to and beautifully too.
PS - I want that t-shirt...
186. Debooki said:
I recently received a letter from a friend who I had dated as a teen. He is now troubled, and every now and then I get letters...weird letters... the last one included this: I am writing to tell you that back in 1978 at your mothers house in MA; when you asked me if I liked Dolly Parton, I answered: "NO" I am writing to tell you that I lied, I do like Dolly Parton... I repent. Also when I told you once that I applied milk & honey to the ground to make oxygen,you said it was strange, so I later told you that it was silly to do, I dont think it is silly now. I applied milk & honey to the ground to make the oxygen so I could BREATHE...I repent....
187. Thérèse said:
Oh, where to begin. So many things that you would think are obvious, aren't, you see.
Ok. Basically, men who don't like kids, workaholics, losers with no ambition whatsoever, but most importantly... men who are so attached to their cell phones that they NEVER turn them off or have them less than a foot away.
Yes. EVEN DURING THAT.
188. cailey said:
I will not date any man who smokes, appreciates anything that has ever come out of George Bush's mouth as anything other than a new way to mock him, has never seen the inside of a book and/or asks me why I am reading, doesn't understand or use sarcasm, criticizes any movie I watch as stupid, answers my questions (on a good day) with two words, tries to convert me into any religion at all, or is closed minded.
On that last note, I once dated a guy (briefly) who tried to repeatedly convince me that homosexuality was a crime against God and once asked my good friend (who was gay) how he lived with the fact that he was going to burn in hell for all eternity. To my friend's credit, he answered 'I enjoy every fuck like it's my last'. He had no answer for that. He was gone the next day. I can only describe him as a mistake I had to live through to learn how bad a guy could actually be.
189. Shalini said:
fundamentalists...
most republicans...
southern baptists...
men shorter than me...
190. The Bold Soul said:
Excellent topic, especially as I am still single at 45 and thinking of putting myself back "out there" again after an 8-year dating hiatus following my last big breakup.
I used to think a man who owned a gun would be a deal-breaker; but I fell in love with the last guy before learning he owned a gun (a hand-gun) and then it was too late, I had to make my peace with the reality of the gun.
Other than the usual suspects of criminal records, poor personal hygeniene, homosexuality (I'm not against it in principle, but it's a complete waste of time), abusive men, pedophiles, and men who are incredibly cheap, my turn-offs are more subtle: men who can't commit (who "just aren't into me"), men who are horribly bad spellers or who write all their emails IN CAPS (it's the kiss of death to a writer), men who won't get off the couch because they would rather watch cartoons or play video games than go out in the world.
I could list a lot more of those. Am I being to picky?
191. The Bold Soul said:
Excellent topic, especially as I am still single at 45 and thinking of putting myself back "out there" again after an 8-year dating hiatus following my last big breakup.
I used to think a man who owned a gun would be a deal-breaker; but I fell in love with the last guy before learning he owned a gun (a hand-gun) and then it was too late, I had to make my peace with the reality of the gun.
Other than the usual suspects of criminal records, poor personal hygeniene, homosexuality (I'm not against it in principle, but it's a complete waste of time), abusive men, pedophiles, and men who are incredibly cheap, my turn-offs are more subtle: men who can't commit (who "just aren't into me"), men who are horribly bad spellers or who write all their emails IN CAPS (it's the kiss of death to a writer), men who won't get off the couch because they would rather watch cartoons or play video games than go out in the world.
I could list a lot more of those. Am I being too picky?
192. ScottM said:
Heres one for the girls
Likes to work on Cars (vehicles) so much he ignores people.
Here are the deal breakers for the men.
substance abusers
Liars / cheats
no morals
girls who can't or won't clean their home/car/area
Girls with high maintence attitudes
193. jianantonic said:
I could never date a Republican. I could never be attracted to one in the first place - as soon as I find out, that's it, it's not even a choice for me. I also would have a really hard time dating someone who was politically apathetic.
194. JennJenn said:
Not liking animals/abusing animals.
(I think people have issues if they HATE animals or hurt them..cringe)
Hypocrites.
(Principles are principles and we ALL need to abide by good ones)
Pompous Arrogant Assholes
(Just, you know, because)
Low self-esteem
(I know this seems odd, but hear me out. If your significant other has no self esteem his disbelief in himself will manifest in other forms. He could put you down for believing in yourself. He could bottle up anger. He could always be a finger pointer, never accepting his faults because he already feels so low. He could become jealous and bitter because your living the life he always wanted to, but never believed he could. And all of this could turn into resentment.)
Having an addiction that either is self destructive or destroys the relationship.
(sports I'm ok with....I guess....but, alcoholism, drugs or child porn [to name a few], not a chance)
Those are my deal breakers.
195. wheelomatic said:
Golly, where to begin?
Unkind, unfunny, unclean, dishonest, those are the top ones.
Unwillingness to listen to different views. You don't have to agree with me, but I deserve the respect of being heard.
Lack of empathy. Please don't sob at chick flicks but a bit of compassion goes a long way in my book.
Mama issues, as in needing to be taken care of. I once lived with a a guy who apparently thought toilet paper and other household staples magically appeared in the cupboard after he used the last one. He also did not drive because, while in college and with out a car, he forgot to renew his license one time, so he never bothered to go get one . . . for 10 years. The more I did for him the less he did. (Surprise!) He loved me and was terrific in the sack but I eventually wised up and got sick of being his womb and kicked him out. But I had to find the new place for him (which ended up being the apt RIGHT NEXT DOOR!) before he left.
Psychosis is bad. Like the guy who on our 1st date (a trip to the zoo), told me with much trembling emotion he still honestly wanted to kill some one from the 3rd grade (we were 22) for teasing him. He had it all planned out what he would do if he met that person again. And THEN asked me what we should name our 3 children? I was afraid to break up with him for fear of my life. I met his family and went to his cooking school graduation and several more dates with my heart in my throat the whole time. Finally I had my not-very-good-English-speaking roommate tell him that I had had a nervous breakdown and the psychiatrist said I should take a break from relationships.
Then there was the guy who did not know he did not like pussy. He tried like heck to keep it up while inside me but could only manage to get off if he pulled out and fucked my squeezed-together thighs. That only happened once. He also had back hair but was in the process of getting it lasered off as he could afford the treatments. He was smooth to about mid-shoulder blade but from there down was *upholstered*.
He also ate steamed salmon and rice at least 4 times a week for "health reasons" and sold tea-tree oil products.
And that is about enough of that
196. NuttyDutty said:
SMOKING has always been a deal breaker. First off, I don't want to kiss an ashtray, but second...you smell! Your car, your clothes...your house! No thanks!
197. Lukku Cairi said:
Hmm... well, I did get married the first time around to a man on parole, and then there was that guy who told me what a cunt I was while waving a pair of scissors in my face...
I admire all y'all who draw the line at cologne or gold chains. Raise my kids for me, please.
198. stephanie said:
now i just have to add a couple -
1. NO drugs. alcohol and nicotine do not count as drugs in this sense. my infrequent drug use, if ever, is not however up for discussion.
2. i smoke. my current boyfriend of nearly 3 years actually *likes* the way i taste after i smoke, which i think is weird, but hey, score 1 for me! anyways, i don't care if you smoke or not but do not educate me on why i should quit.
3. i own a pug. you have to love her. that's it. if you say "i like pugs, they're so ugly their kind of cute" you will be out that door so fast...
and as a sidenote, as there may be a lot of guys reading these although not many posting [by comparison] i will just say:
INTRODUCE ME. AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
it is not okay to just say "oh it's a guy thing" when it comes to forgetting to introduce me to someone you obviously know very well and i don't. it's embarassing. and when you introduce me, say "this is my girlfriend, firstnamehere" - i don't really care if this is me being insecure or petty, you do it. minus one billion points if instead you say "this is my friend..."
199. Bensmom said:
Mine would be:
Any form of racism and language that reflects such.
Long fingernails and/or toenails.
Bad breath.
Smoking.
Use of the "c" word to refer to a female.
Cruelty to any living thing.
No sense of humor.
200. sbritton said:
Okay -- I think I have the mother of all deal-breakers
A good friend of mine told a woman she worked with about a guy she was about to go on a blind date with. She described what she knew of the guy, and the co-worker said, "his name's not xxxx, is it?" It turned out that she had dated the same guy, and relayed the following about their first and only date:
For their date, they decided to go out for dinner to a sushi restaurant. Everything seemed to be going well, good conversation, they had a lot in common, etc. They had ordered too much food -- they got down to the last couple of pieces, which happened to be ones that had a large piece of tuna on the outside. She told her date to go ahead and have them, that she was full. He said to her, "no, you go ahead -- I don't like those ones, they have the same consistency as vagina." She was stunned that anyone would say something like that to a woman, (let alone on a first date). She decided to cut her losses, and got the hell out of there as soon as she could.
The next day, she got a message on her machine from the guy. He said he wanted to see her again. He commented on her cutting the date short and hoped he hadn't said anything to offend her, and said "gee, I hope that vagina joke didn't upset you, I mean I like vaginas...there's nothing wrong with vaginas, I like the taste of them, they're great...You might say I'm a 'vagitarian.'...well, anyway, call me!"
She brought her machine into work the next day and played the message back to all her female friends. ;-)
201. NuttyDutty said:
At the time, the guy that is now my husband was certainly a guy that I would not have considered dating. He knows this now, but I seriously thought I was going to play the player. He came across as the Player...which I know now couldn't be further from the truth.
More deal breakers:
1. can't stand kids and doesn't want kids
2. no sense of humor ...dry personality
3. Can't carry a conversation
4. Mama's BOY!!!!
202. bookworm said:
There are a lot of my former deal breakers listed here. Back hair was a major one of mine. Prejudice was another. Unfortunately for me, my husband has both.
Fortunately for me he has a lot of other qualities that I decided were much more important. His sense of humor, his intelligence, his caring for others. The fact that he puts up with my family!
I guess we didn't have deal breaking issues because we were friends for two years before we became a couple. The back hair I'm stuck with (luckily he's just got a little), and I'm working on the prejudice problem. At least now he know's when to keep his mouth shut!
203. Shelby said:
I dated a lot in the months before I met my husband. And I mean, A LOT. I became very adept at ending relationships for no other reason than, something just didn't feel quite right to me. He had said something or done something that just made me think, "Hmm. That's a little weird..." My standards were/are very high, and I was not about to apologize for that.
204. sbritton said:
oh, yeah -- I know someone else that, when she was going to have sex with a guy she'd been seeing, and neither of them had any protection, the guy started whining that he really needed to have sex, and couldn't they use some saran wrap?. gah!
205. missleighanny said:
I once went on a blind date with a redneck cop who talked on his cell phone for the first twenty minutes of our date TO HIS GRANDMOTHER (which may sound endearing, but believe me, it was just creepy). He then took me to the same restaurant where he had (I later found out) taken my roommate just a week prior. Then he made me listen to Yanni (yes, YANNI) CDs in the car and asked me if I "liked to cuddle" because he "ain't never met no good Southern woman that don't like to cuddle" (I'm telling you...that's a direct quote and I'm NOT making this up). He then took me to a Starbucks for coffee where he proceded to flirt with and ask out the barista all right in front of me.
THAT, my friends, was a dealbreaker.
I met my husband soon after and I keep teasing him that it wasn't that he was so great, it was just that he was great by comparison.
Great web site, by the way--I discovered it while looking up sleep issues in children and I VERY much enjoyed the blog about Ferberizing. It was beautiful.
206. Meredith said:
A mustache, or as I like to call it, a molestache. Something about a mustache makes me think of pedophiles.
207. Brad Martin said:
I only had one until yesterday, asking me if she could cut me during sex (the answer is NO), but since science has seen fit to create bionic arms I am going to have to add bionic arms to the list. It's not an aesthetic thing, I think they look awesome and I would high five her all the time, it's because of all the Of-Mice-And-Men-esque crushed kittens we would have laying around. It just gets depressing after a while, looking at all the dead kittens your lover crushed to death by not being able to control the strength of her robotic appendages. This is something we're all going to have to deal with.
208. NuttyDutty said:
Bookworm....I know exactly what you mean sister!
My husband had a very slanted view of homosexuality...basically based on the rules of the church. I made it very clear that I thought he was being narrow-mined to never looking into for himself.
On the Gaydar, my uncle flashes bright and can't be missed. The fact that he did't talk with the stereotypical slurred speach or doesn't carry on as if he's a woman...my husband was clueless.
He met my uncle without me telling him that he was gay. At every family function my husband and my uncle would sit and talk shop... After a few meetings my husband turned to me in the car on the way home and said, "Why doesn't your uncle have kids? He's so good with your brothers. Was he ever married?"
I answered, "DUH!" and he didn't get it, so with my most FLAMMING gay man's voice I said, "HELLO!!!"
I truly believe had I told my husband that my uncle was gay he would have avoided him...instead now they are always chatting it up at family events
209. DravenStele said:
I have really only had one deal breaker in my life. The rest of my pre-marriage relationships just kinda faded from existence with little noise, pomp, or circumstance. The only one that went kaplooey on me was the high school 'sweetheart' who was madly in love with all things Madonna, who thought 'Pretty Woman' was the be-all and end-all of cinema, and who squeeled "Oooh, it's imported!" to my mother and sister when my dad gave me a beater 1970 Porsche to rebuild for my 18th birthday.
Any one of those things alone was tolerable. Clump them together with the rolling eyes and disdain of the entire female population of my family (including the black sheep ex-fiance of my brother) and she had no chance.
210. NuttyDutty said:
MEREDITH!!!
YES! I can't believe I left out the mustache!!!
Pedophiles and my dad.....and that's not saying my dad is a pedophile!!!
When my husband wants to "get a piece" he will go shave because he knows there's not a chance in hell I will let his sand-paper face near me!
211. tbrannies said:
Let's see...deal breakers.
Already married (seems like a given but apparently not), currently living with "ex" girlfriend, has to blow into a breathalyzer before they can start their vehicle and finally...likes to wear lipstick and strip at gay clubs. (All of these happened to me.)
212. American Wife said:
As a young and enthusiastic single... lookin' to mingle my primary deal breaker was "not punk enough". If a potential companion was not somewhere way, way outside of the societal norm I was *yawn* not interested. So, at age 33 I married a Canadian.
213. Megan said:
I once refused to see a guy again after he ordered a hot turkey sandwich on our first date. I am not sure if you have these in the US but they are a piece of bread piled hhigh with turkey and covered (I mean the entire plate) with gravy.
214. Piglet said:
Very funny, and how could it be that there are already SO many comments?! Excellent topic.
I am so very lucky to have found my husband (after kissing a few frogs). He is the one for me. (Oddly he lived in CT, I in NC and we met via work in TX.) We moved to MA and now reside in SC. Got all that?
Biggest dealbreaker: if my cat did not approve and bit the "suitor". Next dealbreakers: ignorance, closed minded (same as ignorance right?), Very religious, and if they can not answer my incessant questions about things I WONDER ABOUT ALL DAY.
215. exclamation point said:
Definate deal breakers:
Arrogance: nothing worse than people that actually believe their own BS. I once dated someone who really thought she was the shizz. Valedictorian and all that. You would have thought she gave birth to the second coming of Christ or something by the attitude.
Also, anyone who thinks PHP is a database and calls herself a web desiegner. Crazy the people one comes across.
216. Chantel said:
-Dirty hands
-Lack of personal hygeine
-Lack of any ambition for anything
-Negativity which goes along with no sense of humor
-Combovers and hair plugs
-Gangsta's and con artists
-Pisces and Gemini's
And obviously anyone who's nice I've ever dated because I'm still single. I'm sure the list could go on and on!
217. Tina Anderson said:
I live in Texas and I wouldn't date anyone who picked me up in a truck.
218. token said:
This is a very good idea. Thanks to you and your friend Maggie!
P.S. And tell little Leta I share her taste in shoes!
Token
219. token said:
This is a very good idea. Thanks to you and your friend Maggie!
P.S. And tell little Leta I share her taste in shoes!
token
220. kristensavestheday said:
Willful ignorance. Not being affectionate in public (e.g. me reaching over to hold his hand and him jerking away like he'd been bitten by a snake). Has a bad relationship with his parents.
221. jenoyd said:
For one of my closest friends:
1. He orders white zinfandel
2. He takes all the salsa
3. He brings me legos on our first date.
222. M@ said:
I love this post! And I'm buying Maggie's book because my brainstorms have trickled down to scattered showers (considering the Lexapro got rid of the tropical depressions)
My deal breakers? Other than basic felonies like international terrorism, I have:
1) Drug use. I refuse to compete with coke or heroin, which automatically negates a lot of the actors I've dated. At that point, Hollywood becomes a ghost town.
2) Instant marriage. (after they say "Pleased to meet you. Will you marry me?" I usually just twitch and fall over. It's unfortunate that the last thing they hear from me is something akin to a siren)
3) The closet. I refuse to be kept a secret because I spent years prying open that door and there's not enough room in there for two.
4) Chechnian counterintelligence. Don't ask.
5) Dependance. I can't support someone else financially and refuse to be leeched emotionally. Life is tough enough without dating a sloth or a vampire.
223. NuttyDutty said:
-Drives a BIG truck with loud pipes....he's over compensating for something!
224. Mary Frances said:
Ok, here's the thing, I had plenty of deal breakers:stupidity, bad teeth, bad hygene, conservative, blah,blah,blah etc. until I realized that as a gender, men will always totally bug me. However, I am totally enamored with them too. It worked better for me to find deal clinchers like, funny, good, honest, loyal...My husband is all these things, and while he still blows his nose on the handtowels and sits on my special desk chair completely naked he is my best friend, better or worse.
225. jakelliesmom said:
The first was very body conscious and asked what I had eaten that day. I felt I had to lie, telling him I’d had oatmeal instead of sausage and grits. The deal breaker, though was when we overheard a family speaking Farsi at the next table, and he mocked them, saying what a disgusting language it was.
The next was a blind date. What friends saw as a self-deprecating sense of humor was barely veiled insecurity. The guy was a mess and just couldn’t come to terms with his background and upbringing. And, he sang along with the ambient music at the restaurant.
Following was one who had recently ended a long-term relationship. He had been cheated on by not one, but two ex-girlfriends. He also had a rule that he would never say I love you unless he’d been dating for at least a year.
One would call me wherever I wasn’t – if I was at home, he’d call at work. Knowing he could reach me at work, he’d leave a message at home. He also had rules – he would never tell how much he made or how many women he’d bedded – and it’s not like I’d asked. It was irritating enough that he assumed all women from Los Angeles were vapid and that he begged for sex. The deal breaker came from him – I gave my number to his friend.
Thank goodness, soon after I met my chain-wearing, smoker of a husband who wore linen pants in January and attributed his great sense of style to the help of the gay men in his office (whom I’m sure would shuddered at his ensemble). The chain, I’ve kept (at first just to make sure he wouldn’t wear it again), the smoking ended about a month into the relationship, and the linen is reserved for warmer weather.
226. Autumn said:
My deal breakers were being a smoker, having red hair, and skinny guys. But my boyfriend now is all three of those, and I adore him because he's everything else that was more important to me. Funny who you end up falling for. :) (we're working on the smoking thing, though)
All of your comments are cracking me up! No gold chains! Amen! My boyfriend used to wear one all the time, and I hated it!
227. Spacecasie said:
Socks with sandals dude, socks with sandals. *HORK*
That and naked lady mudflaps.
228. kristin said:
Hmmm...deal breakers...these are hardly the tip of the iceberg for me:
Arms that are soft...TOO soft...I like my men to be MEN.
Small feet are creepy.
Small hands are even creepier.
Spiky, sharp hair(anyone from the Jersey area knows what I'm talking about) on their head OR arms.
Tight black shirts tucked into dark, bootcut jeans with a designer belt and muscles with a hint of tattoo sticking out - in other words, anything that screams Jersey shore.
Fist pumping.
229. Michael said:
I always knew where the "right" section of the library was for me, but I could never take out a book because I was never allowed to have a "library card," so there were no deals to break. Pretty much any woman who said hello was marriage material to me. Not that I was ever desperate or anything.
But there was one time when an attractive woman ended a promising line of research in the 1970s after I laughed out loud at her assertion that the CIA was spying on private citizens. I mean, how strange would that be, am I right? I'm not stupid, you know. This is America and Richard M. Nixon was protecting us all.
230. Jane Southwood said:
No sense of humour. I really like a guy who can be funny. But I recently told my current boyfriend (God, can't someone come up with a better word than "boyfriend" and put all of us who are not married and older than sixteen out of our misery?) that he was funny and he looked momentarily chagrined. "Funny like in what way?" he asked me. "Funny as in a 'you say humorous things that make me laugh way,'" I replied.
"Oh," he said, visibly relieved, "okay, then. I thought you meant funny as in odd."
231. sasha said:
Bad hygeine.
Religious. Especially the Jesusy ones.
Can't bring self to shut up and listen.
Hateful or unkind.
Under the age of 18.
Over the age of say, 65.
That's about it. Historically, I've been known to shag just about everyone else.
232. miaou said:
I won't date the following, all through past experience: extremists (of any sort), conservatives, militant vegans, men who think that vegetarian food is not a valid dining choice, anyone who enjoys contemporary country music, "practicing" christians, guys who don't own any nice clothing, anyone who only drinks crappy beer, anyone with a car worse than mine (which is bad), anyone who won't ever splurge on a fancy restaurant or anyone who will only ever eat at the fancy expensive restaurants, people with diagnosed mental illnesses that don't treat it, alcoholics, drug-addicts, cat and/or dog haters, anyone who can't be friendly to the family that I even hate, and anyone my mother does not like.
233. Jill said:
I nodded my head in agreement with alot of the dealbreakers listed above. But this one guy popped in my head when I first read what this entry was about.
I thought he was cute & overlooked the fact that he was shorter than I would have liked. I even overlooked the Camaro - Ha! But I couldn't get past the LEOPARD THONG UNDERWEAR! That was the end of that one.
234. mothergoosemouse said:
I think the big deal-breakers are fairly well-defined. But my small, petty deal-breakers? Ah...here we go:
- White socks/dark shoes or dark socks/white sneakers
- Doesn't read except on the toilet
- Any man who doesn't have the balls to call bullshit on me
235. suzannasugar said:
mine are a little shallow, but here goes:
- sits down to pee
- wears tighty whiteys
- no manners
- doesn't eat red meat
236. Alaska Chick said:
I broke up with someone because he called my cat a bitch. Because she didn't like him. I realized she must be on to something.
237. grammarqueen said:
Reading all y'all's comments is amazingly therapeutic. My engagement just went down the drain, as I was booking the hotel for the wedding, because The Man decided suddenly that he'd never EVER want to have kids--none of his own, no adopted ones--because he didn't want to get emotionally involved in child raising and teenage pregnancy issues. And that after 3 years of either enthusiastically agreeing or ho-humming at the issue. And while he's really hot and has a nice muscular hairy chest (yum!), he also calls his mother "sweetheart." Just like what he calls me.
And the worst thing is: Somehow I can't understand why I tolerated this for 3.5 years. Was I *that* desperate? Can someone please knock some sense into me?
238. Alina said:
Hmm so many things come to mind, but since recently my number one deal breaker - and boy do I have to use it a lot, since it seems that only THOSE men ask me out in the first place - is that I am done with Returned Missionaries. Mormon returned missionaries. Yes living in Salt Lake the pickings are slim, but from now on I am just over it.
Also men who are about as intelligent as a tuna can drive me nuts and I cannot even go on a second date with them, and on the other side of that - guys who are too smart, or deem themselves too smart, or get way too much into the political and philosophical arguments drive me nuts as well, and so the list grows - I am now officially refusing all RM's, geniuses and dumbasses..
239. suzannasugar said:
oh, forgot!
I have to agree with the gal who said 'plays video games' this includes computer games!!
240. Alaska Chick said:
Congratulations, Grammarqueen. I have a friend who just married someone who despises children so much that he's had a vasectomy at age 25, and this despite the fact that she's always wanted children. Now she swears up and down she's never wanted kids and she gave my children all the toys and books and clothes she's been buying and saving over the years in anticipation of having her own. Be glad you aren't so foolish.
241. Amy said:
Halitosis. I once broke up with a guy over halitosis. I didn't know how to tell him he was rank, so I just broke it off. Seemed easier that way.
242. wealhtheow said:
I continued to date a guy AFTER he told me he didn't believe in evolution ("Maybe God puts things in the earth already old!") AND after he told me that he believed women should submit to the will of their husbands. Learn ye from my mistakes. Fortunately, that relationship only lasted a couple months, and I claim my stupid, stupid, STUPID youth as my defense. Those clearly should have been deal-breakers.
243. Annagrace said:
Dealbreakers? Hmmmm...
1)Completely shaved. Don't knock body hair--it gives you something to hold onto. And who wants to be with someone that feels like they're 14? Oh sorry, I know who...just not one of 'em.
2)Has a fiance but doesn't think you need to know. Trust me. When she finds your number and calls you it will be extremely awkward.
3)Is anything other than protective of and loving to children and anything smaller and more helpless than they are. Bullies do not make great dates, partners or spouses. Again--trust me.
4)Grillz. WTF????? Please tell me no really finds this sexy...
5)Kevin Federline.
244. Annagrace said:
Dealbreakers? Hmmmm...
1)Completely shaved. Don't knock body hair--it gives you something to hold onto. And who wants to be with someone that feels like they're 14? Oh sorry, I know who...just not one of 'em.
2)Has a fiance but doesn't think you need to know. Trust me. When she finds your number and calls you it will be extremely awkward.
3)Is anything other than protective of and loving to children and anything smaller and more helpless than they are. Bullies do not make great dates, partners or spouses. Again--trust me.
4)Grillz. WTF????? Please tell me no one really finds this sexy...
5)Kevin Federline.
245. Tanya said:
grammarqueen: Sounds like you narrowly dodged a bullet.
Alaska Chick: I know a girl exactly like that. They got married last year, and he told her *at their wedding reception* that he'd had a vasectomy ten years earlier. Enchanting.
246. goddesschristine said:
oh dear....destiny. Yes, that is just about as bad as my foray with the guy from the church of bees.
247. bornfamous said:
Based on past history, my dealbreakers apparently are: Nice guys. Guys with jobs. Guys who like me.
248. Diesel said:
I once dated a guy who I found out dabbled in amateur wrestling. He even had a stage name and everything. I broke it off before he could get a chance to invite me to a match.
249. bloomingyou said:
Jenn Jenn you hit it right on the nose with the low self esteem stuff. My ex used to call himself names all the time. And all the propping up in the world didn't help. What really funny, is after we broke up and I made the mistake of trying to remain friends, all of his shortcomings were suddenly the reason why we didn't get married.
250. misstraceynolan said:
He was cute, funny and nice and then he pulled a bible out of his backpack.
Aaaaand....SCENE!
251. erin said:
1) guys who are rude to waitstaff or anyone in customer service - by far the biggest turnoff
2) wimpy hands and/or long fingernails
3) if I know more about football than he does, he's out
252. saltlakesister said:
The most vivid deal breaker from my thankfully past dating career occurred with a guy who I had previously thought of as just about perfect. We'd spent our first few dates laughing, skiing and hanging out with mutual friends. He was good looking, but not too much. Seemed to have a healthy relationship with his feminine side. And talked about things in the future as if I'd be a part of them, but not in a creepy way. Then we had sex. At the moment it was happening he reached up to passionately caress my face, or so I thought. After a polite stop at my face, his hand continued to the top of my head where he took a firm hold to, as I realized with a combination of amusement and disgust, acheive better leverage to, um, thrust. Needless to say, I screened my calls from then on.
253. El Dorado Jr said:
One time, in about 1972, my (so-called) friend and his girl friend set me up with a girl who was on leave from a mental institution. I remember her taking immediate issue with my painting of Jesus as a Cro-magnon-looking dude. Now that's what I call a deal breaker.
254. michelle said:
Guys who have dogs. They can't go anywhere for more than a few hours because someone's gotta be home to feed/water/walk/watch the dog! Lame-o!
255. victoria said:
Voting Republican.
256. Daugher In Law said:
Guys that assume you want to spend the entire holiday with their family.
257. OnePart said:
YES! The cell phone! And for the love of all that is holy, stop TEXTING people! We are talking/ eating/ kissing/ whatever.
258. mejack said:
I went on a date with this one guy who I had a huge crush on in college. Huge. Like in the Jordan Catelano sense of a crush. We finally went out five years later. Once. During the date he proceesed to show me his boner in a cab and say "Look what you do to me" and before the cab ride was over he started reciting Jim Morrison's "An American Prayer" and when finished asked me if he could put me in handcuffs. My crush abruptly ended. I had another first date where the guy asked me, during getting to know you cht chat, if I liked fisting. I did not see him again.
259. Kath :-) said:
Just 4 things on my list of 'NO WAY IN HELL"...
#1-No Druggies
#2-No Smokers
#3-No Felons
#4-No Kids (that either live with them or with their ex)
260. Caloden said:
Apparently in the past I didn't have any deal breakers, that is why I had a string of not so good men. I married one, had two of his children, divorced him, reuninted with him to have another child, only to finally leave him forever behind earlier this summer. Now I spend a part of every day deciding what my deal breakers are going to be.
261. Stacy said:
Unmanly Men:
- body hairless
- drinks wine but not beer
- let's me get the tab on the first date
- has smoother hands than me
- is prettier than all my girlfriends
- lets me hold the door
262. Matt said:
Deal breaker? Intolerant liberals.
What's up with all of Repulican hating? I absolutely love this blog and usually the comments too. Now I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of bipolar disorder since I'm a Republican as well.
263. Blogeois said:
Deal Breaker for him: I told him I was divorced.
Deal Breaker for me: He told me women couldn't do certain physically demanding jobs. I told him what I did for a living. I was a grocery store butcher at the time. He never called again.
264. Rob Poitras said:
Drinks budlight or similar crappy cheap beer.
Talks too loud all the time.
Can't move on from the past.
265. kristin said:
Stacy, I think we might be talking about the same man.
266. jeffeners said:
Velcro shoes.
Stupid hats (pretty much anything other than a baseball cap or stocking cap in winter).
Anything NASCAR on his vehicle or his body.
Smoking.
Thinking it's acceptable to intentionally burp/fart in front of anyone.
Needy.
267. JavaJabber said:
Deal Breakers:
Liars
Braggerts
Drug/Substance Abuse
Doesn't know how to cook, clean, sew, grocery shop (if he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of me if I need it?)
Thieves
Lack of morality
Lack of personal hygiene
Doesn't take charge of his own destiny
That about covers it!
268. Snickrsnack Katie said:
Okay so I am so excited that your friend wrote that book, because I swear JUST today I was saying to my friend that I wished there were a book out there with ideas for blog entries. This is awesome! I am so buying her book.
Dealbreakers - I agree w/ the Nascar comment. Also, body odor. I once dated a guy who constantly smelled like Philly cheese steaks and Old Spice, which, apart from one another, are okay, but together? Not so good. Also, if they shave their entire body - bad sign. Once dated a guy who shaved EVERYthing, and that was just a tad disconcerting. Conversely, too much hair is bad. Especially in random patches. (Shudders)
269. Joe Romano said:
Struck a nerve here did we Heather?
270. whisper_lover said:
I won't date anyone who:
1. ...can't spell or type coherently.
2. ...is an online/console gamer.
3. ...is obsessive about cleanliness to the point that a well-made bed or crisply ironed shirt gives him a hard-on.
I broke up with my last boyfriend because he decided he was a woman inside... her name change went through this week, she's on HRT, and she'll probably have her surgery in the next two years. We're still friends, but I realized when he came out to me that I can never date someone who doesn't want to keep their penis. Same thing goes for someone who doesn't want to use their penis *with* me. As often as possible (after the long, eye-gazing conversations, of course).
271. srah said:
Thought they would be deal-breakers:
- Beards
- Can't write a logical sentence to save his life
- Doesn't get my jokes
My boyfriend is all of the above and I love 'im! It turns out there's all kinds of good stuff to make up for what I thought I wouldn't like (and the stuff I thought I wouldn't like is all pretty endearing too).
272. daisies said:
I would never date a musician especially a drummer and I can't tell you how many times I was asked out by a drummer. If I found out he was a musician - I was outta there.
And then a few weeks ago I up and married a musician and yes you can guess it - he's a drummer. I guess my deal breaker was a broken ... :)
273. Momma said:
I broke up with a douche in college cause he had gnarly feet and always wore Birk's even in the winter. He sang old country songs when he was drunk and would play music instead of speaking on my voicemail. Yeah. He had to go.
I broke up with somone recently when he said, "you remind me of a younger version of my mother".
I could never date anyone who drove a low-rider or suped up street car.
274. tbrannies said:
Guys who wear a hat all the time to try and hide the fact that they're balding. Just admit it to yourself and find a nice hairstyle that works.
And game players. Hate em! If you wanna f*ck, just tell me. Don't play me with lines like "I've never met anyone like you". Some single women actually like sex too and sometimes we don't want an attachment either. So, and here's a novel concept, try being a little bit honest. It's when you play the lines that you get a bad rep.
275. Renee said:
Off limits to date: Smokers and addicts of other sorts, and starving artists of all stripes (sorry, I'm a practical girl).
I once stopped dating a guy because he wouldn't stop flipping the channels on the goddamn radio and it was driving me fucking nuts. And he badmouthed my best friend, which any guy should realize is treading on thin ice
276. carynski said:
He has to be able to spell. If he spells "a lot" as "alot" and can't tell the difference between 'there', 'their' and 'they're', it's over.
Not blowing his nose? That's annoying but tolerable. Horking back his phlegm on a regular basis (even just once) is a crime and he should be slapped with something blunt.
Hygiene is incredibly important too. Showering, using deodorant and a toothbrush and most importantly: WASH YOUR HANDS. ESPECIALLY before you touch food (mine, yours or anyone else's) and MORE ESPECIALLY before you even DREAM of putting your hands anywhere that only my boyfriend and my gyno will ever see.
I'm not high maintenance though. Pfffft.
277. April-Lyn said:
After one of my college boyfriends broke up with me, I composed a list that included the following dealbreakers, among others:
- Must not be a cheating bastard.
- Must be at least willing to try dancing with me.
- Must enjoy reading.
- Must enjoy music.
- Must not be a cheating bastard (I was really pissed off...)
- Must have good hygiene.
- Must know how to call/IM/email.
- Must not find bare feet gross (I ended up getting married in bare feet. :)
- Must not own a gun (this became a bit dicey when my now husband was in the army, but I decided it was okay since he didn't actually *own* any guns)
Since then, I would also add passive-agreesiveness, narcissism, lack of respect/compassion for me (like, always blaming me for our fights), and lack of self-confidence to the list.
Also, must be a gamer. (Of the geeky sort, not the gambling sort.) Unlike one commenter, I like the black trenchcoats. Own one of my own, in fact. :D
On a related note: earlier this week I was out for dinner with my husband, and on the drive there we passed one of my ex's walking in the same direction we were going. I prayed that we wouldn't run into him, because explaining how I'm married now (only about two years after we broke up) and introducing him to my husband might have been more than a bit unpleasant. Fortunately we missed him, but we DID manage to run into my most recent ex, along with several of his girlfriends. Fortunately, he and I successfully ignored one another and we passed without incident. Talk about bad luck, though!
278. Marz said:
I refuse to date anyone who:
1. .. smokes. (Chimney breath is not pleasant to me.)
2. .. is impolite on the phone. (i.e. Does not say 'please' or 'thank you' or show any semblance of courtesy.) based on experience, I noticed how much that gesture is a reflection of their personality.
3. .. refuses to make the effort to get along with my friends. I put in the effort, and he should try to do the same.
4. .. thinks that beauty and someone's race are in any way related. (i.e. "Only Chinese girls are pretty..", etc. etc.)
5. .. is tactless.
Yeah, I guess that's it.
Great post!
279. gypsy said:
Must be breathing.
Must find my friends and me delightful and funny.
Must be willing to carry me around on a little satin pillow.
Must be comfortable talking about poop.
Must be tolerant of my messiness.
Must not be a racist or neo nazi.
Anything else goes.
280. ktjane said:
I have a long list, most of which has all been posted here already, but mainly: CHEATERS.
I'm just wondering if "exclamation point" deliberately misspelled words like definite & designer because he's that dumb, or if it was intentional to make you twitch...hmmmm? And if that's how he feels, why is he reading your blog?!
281. Laura said:
I had a massive list and married a guy who, according to that list, had to be perfect. We are now divorced.
I'm now married for years to someone who probably ticks 5 of the 10 boxes. Best relationship I ever had.
282. TexChic said:
My dealbreakers are:
Guys who think they're cowboys or bikers; anyone with bad table manners (chew with your mouth closed, and stop that smacking!), poor hygiene or grammar; telemarketers or spammers; guys with obnoxious or psychotic relatives (including parents); and horndogs who "have to have it" more than once a day.
283. June said:
Dealbreakers -
a) Let's see, there was the guy who planned our future together without consulting me first...
b) And there was the guy who let me know his career and his hobbies were more important than spending time with me...
c) I've always been very leery of men (white, usually) with Asian fetishes (I call it "yellow fever"). Someone once told me that it's no worse than preferring redheads, but when you walk into a white guy's place and see bonsai plants everywhere and calligraphy scrolls on the wall, and he enthusiastically says that he wishes he was Japanese because they have such a fascinating culture and beautiful women... Gah! I can't get out of there fast enough.
284. doctor tongue said:
Thanks, fiddlehendrix - I was getting depressed about my back hair after reading the first 100 or so comments, and thinking "I'll be alone forever". I'm already overly self-conscious about it (and have waxed it for GFs). Trust me, I make up for it in other ways (the first of which is that I come by my nickname honestly).
One of the hot women at work, who is my own age and seemed fun, when I was telling her about one of many great concerts I had been to this year, said "I don't go to concerts." Buh-bye. Not that we were going out, or going to go out, but my interest (and her hotness) took a definite nose-dive.
Unwarranted selfishness. It's OK to put yourself first in a lot - if not most - situations, but come on. The world does not revolve around you.
Lack of hygiene down there. See end of first paragraph above. Certain things require nose-breathing, which makes unpleasant aromas ten times more unpleasant.
Cheapskates, be it tipping or what have you. Budget-conscious is good, economical OK, but not tipping AT ALL on two drinks because "I like to keep my money."? See ya.
Lack of knowledge of the "outside world", AKA current events or the news, because "it's boring". How's life in your cave?
I've made many compromises in the past because I liked other aspects of someone's personality, and it always ALWAYS came back to bite me in the ass.
285. doctor tongue said:
How could I forget no sense of humour? Or the wrong kind? (I'm twisted and Monty Python rules all - deal with it)
286. DottyDi said:
White pants.
287. TigerLambGirl said:
Omg. I'm laughing so hard at this.
I swore - SWORE - I'd never marry a man with an ass smaller than mine.
Lo and behold, my husband's ass is half a size smaller than mine. At least I can borrow his shorts on my skinny days.
Dealbreakers in other relationships:
If you so much as rush to answer your cell phone while we're mid-sentence during a conversation, don't even ask me why I got up, walked away and haven't called you since.
I HATE CELL PHONES. People are flucking rude. Rushing to answer them, as if the 'missed call' feature couldn't be checked later.
Sorry Heather, but that is a huge dealbreaker for me. I can't abide social idiots who think technology is more important that human relationships. As far as I'm concerned, they can go suck, fluck, and eat with their gadgets if they don't have enough sense to 'be real' or in the moment.
Rant over.
(smooths hair back. okay, I'm a little stressed at the moment. Moving continents is not fun and I'll be glad when it's over and done with)
288. Pioneer Woman said:
Oh, and I don't like guys who wear Cole Haans. Or guys who don't make eye contact.
Or dipping. No Copenhaagen or Skoal for me.
289. Panda said:
- Anyone who defines themselves by their hatred of someone or something else
- men who treat their mothers with a complete lack of respect, even if they insist they're joking (learned this the hard way with the ex-husband)
- back hair
- conservatives, whether religious or political. Especially the ones who insist that they have an inalienable right to decide how everyone else gets to live their life
- a man convicted of a violent crime
- men who order my food for me, tell me I'm working too hard, and have an instant "solution" for everything in my life. I'm not broken, I don't need them to fix me.
- men who tell racist jokes, use the "N" word, and make homophobic remarks.
- men who get the use of "I" and "Me" backwards on a regular basis. I know, that one is shallow. But it grates.
290. CrankMama said:
My dealbreakers are men who don't like children or men who say mean things about their mothers, or ex-girlfriends, or any girls anywhere. They have to like girls. And vaginas. Must love vaginas.
291. otherworldlyglow said:
apparently, i just march right past all the red flags as the guy who just dumped *me* drives an uninsured car with expired tags, doesn't have health insurance, can't get it up, has a felony record, and has a substance abuse problem that would make robert downey jr (dreamy!) look like a alter boy. yay me!
292. susies said:
"Oh, and there was one guy I was seeing for a while, and the first time we had sex, as we were getting started he said "Tally Ho!!"
Not sure if this would have been a deal-breaker for me. I might have wanted to try one more time to see if he repeated the call to the hunt, or if he came up with something different. And hey, did you think it was funny at ALL? Was he trying to be funny or was he rallying the troops, so to speak? I want to think of him being quirky and funny because I'm finding it completely hilarious.
293. otherworldlyglow said:
but on second thought, he didn't have back hair.
seeing as those previous items were seemingly not enough to keep me away, i think the following might:
- vegans (i just can't cook for you)
- guys whose first question when we talk about where to go to eat is "can i bring my dog?"
- cat haters
- spitters
294. Panda said:
Oh, and cheaters. That one should have been first.
295. Headhurt said:
Red flags? I'm confident I have dated more than the lion's share. In fact, I think in the 31 years I have consumed oxygen, that is all I have dated...red flags.
I'll have to give some thought to this and get back to you. Considering I am in the same Mormon boat as Dooce, I suspect our answers may be similar.
296. Natalie said:
Wow. Now there are some crazy ones.
I learned the hard way. After the fact, I decided that this was a dealbreaker: Lie to me. And then, when confronted, call me controlling and neurotic. (However at that point I was so invested in the relationship I tried to make it work. Ha.)
Other ones that I just couldn't handle:
* Guys who don't like dogs. I told my current husband straight-up when we started dating: If you ever make me choose between the dog and you, you will lose.
* Smokers. Although, my husband will smoke a cigar once or twice a year at parties, and I let that one slide. While bitching about it.
* I would have to agree with all those who cited gold chains. Gold chains, open shirts, and a big ego are all major turn-offs.
* And immaturity. I don't mind acting playful and silly. But he has to have some idea of where his life is going and how he's going to get there - and not be content with working at a gas station the rest of his life.
Luckily, I only dated one guy before my current husband. Unfortunately, he was crazy.
297. vinny1977 said:
my deal breakers:
man jewelry
bad teeth
dirty clothes
ragged-ass shoes
no job
no amibition in life
country music fan
unable to hold an intelligent conversation
dog-haters
corvette owners
myspace users, if you're over 28
complainers
financially irresponsible
bad grammar
298. Natalie said:
Oh gosh, and I forgot the second biggest one:
* Being a religious freak. I don't do god. I don't mind any of my friends or aquaintances being religious, but if I'm going to live with you I'm at least going to have to agree with you on that fact or there's going to be a whole lot of arguing and loss of respect.
299. Kathryn said:
considering that I am hopelessely in love with someone who fits the top 3 of my "don't ever date" list, not quite divorced, teenaged kids, lawyer, (oh and we used to work together ...)
that said, bad manners
unacceptable
300. Mab said:
bad teeth, baldness???
Some people are incredibly shallow. Me, it's always personality - Momma's boys, those that can't stand to get their hands dirty, whiny, needy.
My husband has bad teeth. He's going bald. He's shorter than me - and he's smarter, and more fun and more interesting than any man I've ever met in life. If I had a problem with bad teeth, I'd miss out on a great marriage.