Having dated walking red flags
Friday, September 15 2006
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My friend, Maggie, recently had a book published. It's called No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog, and it's filled with suggestions (oddly, 100 of them) of things you could write a blog post about. I thought that a good way to celebrate her success with this publication would be the practical application of one of her ideas. So after reading the book -- a quick 122 pages that read exactly how Maggie speaks in person, as charmingly as humorously as if describing something unpleasant (maybe bone spurs, or four-hour erections?) as judiciously as possible to the President of the United States -- I went back and picked a suggestion that I hadn't ever used before. Today's blog post is written in response to Maggie's Idea Number 32: Break It Off.
"What are your relationship deal breakers? Some folks are annoyed if a date shows up ten minutes late. Others look for something weightier, like a felony record. Have you ever rejected someone over something that seems insignificant to your friends? Or do you have selective blindness for red flags?"
Only because this suddenly made me remember a certain guy who said to me on our second date, "You mean, you like elephants, too? I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL DESTINY!"
I don't even remember his name, not a single letter of it, but I remember telling him upfront that I did not want any part of a long-term relationship. His response was along the lines of, but I already called my mother in New Jersey! And she's knitting you a sweater! I went on a third date because he was a nice a guy, and I didn't think it was fair to tell him that I didn't want to marry him over the phone, although looking back now that is exactly what I should have done because he was so upset he wrapped his arms around my neck like a giant spider that wanted to eat my face off. For those of you who don't know, that is not the most successful way to say to a woman, hey, wait, aren't you being a little hasty?
I also dated a guy who said he couldn't bring himself to sleep with women who had big butts. I didn't take that stipulation very seriously because an ass is not a physical characteristic that I will ever possess, much like boobs or manageable hair. It wasn't until I realized that his aversion to butts was just Chapter One in his memoir The Innumerable Ways I am Out of My Fucking Mind, and by Chapter Four: I Cannot Bring Myself to Sleep With Women Who Have Vaginas, I knew that I had stumbled into the wrong section of the library, if you know what I'm saying.
There was the guy who was perfect in many ways, loved the right music, voted for the right person, said the most wonderful things when I most needed to hear them, and (and!) he was an amazing kisser. It was just all the stuff that happened after the kissing that made the relationship more and more difficult to rationalize, and here is where I experience a lot of hand-wringing for all my Mormon girlfriends who got married without ever having slept with their men. It's admirable, very admirable to enter into the covenant of marriage as a virgin, but what if smack dab in the middle of that first-night passion he starts quoting Al Pacino in Scarface? Or starts yodeling? Or says, "Do you mind if I turn on some Yanni?" IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. This is indispensable research you have to conduct, or else you're going to spend the rest of your life faking headaches.
And finally, the very good-looking blonde, athletic type who could fix things. He was the first guy I ever dated who could change a tire, and he was always offering to take care of the broken things around my apartment. When that sort of expertise comes into your life it feels like you're seeing a blue sky for the first time. Like, you mean I don't have to live with a shower door that won't close? I HAVE NEVER KNOWN SUCH BEAUTY. But then I had to go and ruin everything by asking him to open his mouth and form a complete sentence, by asking the very difficult, complex question of what he thought about homosexuality. He shrugged and said, "Homosexuals are stupid." Which, let's give him credit, is as educated and informed of an opinion as that of an eight-year-old in a coma.
What are your deal breakers?
1. MelissaJ said:
Wow I don't think I've had any nearly as bad as that.
Deal breaker for me is someone who treats wait staff badly.
2. Susie said:
I know this is shallow, but here it is: I just couldn't have a relationship with a man who wears a gold chain.
Other than that, the major deal breaker is obvious: Republicanism.
3. AprilD said:
I refuse to date men with back hair! Any sight of back hair and I'm out the door!
4. Jill said:
The worst I remember from my single days was a guy I dated briefly who was a REALLY bad kisser. During the kissing process, he attempted to get the entire lower half of my face into his mouth. After a couple of minutes of making out he had eaten all the make-up off my face, and left me dripping with slobber. Eew.
5. MulattaPreta said:
lets see: men who use 'keeping it real' in their day 2 day bullshit speech. men who have long nails. it sounds insane, but u'd b AMAZED at the number of men u'll see on the subway with long nails, painted clear. i just want 2 scream - YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE!
oh. and gold teeth. absolutely not.
6. kth201 said:
I agree with Susie about gold chains. Usually gold chains come with unbuttoned-to-there polyester shirts and a lot of ego. No thanks.
Smoking is my deal breaker. One whiff and I'm done.
7. jozet said:
Completely irrational, but if a guy was wearing a necklace of any sort, at some point I'd have to politely excuse myself from the date, usually by pouring a dish of salsa on my skirt. I don't know why (i.e. never discussed it in therapy) but men + man jewelry = 0 points.
I also knew that I wanted to have kids at some point - some how, some way, even a la Raising Arizona - and that was a non-negotiable.
I had thought that a commonality of musical taste was important, but five years into our marriage, my husband admitted that he didn't much like The Who and although it came as a shocker, with intense marriage therapy and a few nookie sessions while listening to "Tommy", we've gotten beyond this glitch.
8. EverydaySuperGoddess said:
I used to say that I would never date any man who weighs less than me and/or spends more time on his hair than I do.
But through unfortunate experience, I have refined that list to include alcoholics, republicans, and guys who have stuffed animals in their bedrooms.
9. Heidi Kostrey said:
My deal breaker is when they smell like an old stale fart masked in cologne.
10. Wendell77 said:
Hmmm, so many possible dealbreakers. On a blind date a guy said to me about my music degree, "So, you actually take classes about music?" Also passive-aggressive behavior is a huge turn off. One man I dated (for far too long) was 45 minutes late to a date, and announced upon his arrival, "Hurry up, we're late!"
11. Ktkat said:
For me it's anybody who sees something bad happen to an animal and says "It's JUST an animal." No compassion doesn't fly with me.
Also, someone with really bad manners and/or grammar. That makes me nuts.
Republicans and/or conservatives are a DEFINITE no-go.
And lastly, really hairy guys just don't do it for me. Nor does facial hair. Tho, as I've gotten older, I do like the goatee quite a lot... and my hubby IS rather hairy.
Guess some of those deal breakers go away when you find your soulmate!
12. Heather Barmore said:
Men who don't understand what the word "moderate" means and I once dated a guy (actually boy) who dipped his fries in Mayo and we weren't in Europe. Oh and this same 'boy' also thought my best friend was hot and told me so, multiple times. Awesome.
13. deeryluv said:
I personally love a man with gold chains and an open shirt -- sexy as shit. Especially if he's swarthy in any way, like Vincent Gallo. Or wearing clogs. Yum.
By my deal breaker is finding out he works in (gasp) retail. Retail? Is that really the best you can do?
14. Ktkat said:
OH... and I completely agree with kth201. Smoking is a huge deal breaker. No question, no argument, no exceptions.
15. TuesdayGirl said:
Bad hands.
I once dated a guy with small fat hands, I thought to myself, I could NEVER mary those hands. So I broke it off.
Oh, that and he had a terrible Staten Island accent.
Those two things combined are a potent coctail.
16. flytrixie said:
Republicans. Visible tattoos or piercings. Permanently tethered to their i-pods, crackberries, or laptops. Dog haters. Politicians. Wears jewelry other than a watch. Bad hygiene. Non-readers. Lacking an excellent sense of humor.
Yep, I'm demanding, and I deserve to be.
17. Melissa said:
If I could take him down in a wrestling match, if he cries more than I do, if he hates sports, if he doesn't drink, if he does drugs, if he can’t wait to plan a wedding, if he doesn’t like animals, if he does yoga, if he gets manicures or considers himself a “metrosexual,” if he still thinks keg stands are cool, if he answers every single question with a one word response, if he cares more about making money than loving his job, if he rolls his eyes when I cry, if he constantly tells me, or tells his friends in front of me, what girls he would “do,” if he worries about his body fat percentage rising above some set number, I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.
He must not be a Jesus freak, a Buddhist, a Mormon, etc. I do not like religion; I don’t care how “earthy” or “spiritual” or “enlightening” his religion is, I will not like it. I know this sounds horrible, but, why bother pretending to care? I don’t.
18. serena burrows said:
I once dated a guy for over a year and I NEVER saw his feet. He always had socks on. We live in Florida, there is hardly ever a reason to wear socks at all!
19. Jeff Simmermon said:
Whenever I hear a lady say "You know, I don't have many female friends -- women are such BITCHES," that's a red flag thwacking me between the eyes. If it's presented around "I hate my mother/father/parents," check, please. Learned that the hard way ...
20. kth201 said:
serena burrows, it sounds like your guy had some weird feet issues.
One more thing: guys who LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about themselves, their opinion on every topic, everything they have done and how awesome it is, and why they are so cool. I guess that goes for people in general, not just guys.
21. mishelliew said:
I'm in agreement with the majority, any guy with a Mr. T starter kit has no shot. Also, "tuckers" or any man who tucks their t-shirt into their jeans especially under another open shirt need to go. I think my hell would be sweaty men with gold chains running around singing the Macarena. It's amazing how the little things are deal breakers, but not things like I have two kids with different women or height insecurity.
22. traca said:
Back hair, baldness, Republican, Old Spice after shave, bad teeth, too many muscles, facial piercings, weeping like a girl, small penis, and any drug use.
23. kth201 said:
serena burrows, it sounds like your guy had some weird feet issues.
One more thing: guys who LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about themselves, their opinion on every topic, everything they have done and how awesome it is, and why they are so cool. To be fair, I guess that goes for people in general, not just guys.
24. Jen Mahler said:
I'm right there with many of the other post's: back hair, bad politics. Closemindedness and an inability to be fun are major dealbreakers for me. And bad teeth.
25. kth201 said:
Oops! Sorry for the double post!
26. wahrephoenixe said:
So - I thought I had deal breakers - and I do. Anyone with addictions, active or inactive, are off limits (it only took me two broken engagements and one shredded heart to cure me of my particular bad habit). But then I met a man whom I never would have considered dating, and fell promptly in love. NEVER write widowed conservative fathers of 5 off your list. I am now one of the happiest married women I know, with 5 step kids and a healthy controvestial political home life. Who knew?
27. Jen Mahler said:
Oh and I just remembered one more: Any man who trys to move towards the bathroom door, open it, sit on the toilet to take a poo, WHILE CONTINUING TO CONVERSE WITH ME WITH THE DOOR OPEN, especially in our first week of dating, MUST go. (Yes, this happened to me.)
28. kntaylor77 said:
When I think of deal breakers, I think of my sister's husband. She was an innocent little Mormon virgin when she got married, yay for her, and when they started dating, he would listen to the worst woman-hating horrible music ever in the car with her. Stuff that made me, who curses like a sailor and was NOT an innocent little Mormon virgin, want to go home and wash MY mouth out just for hearing it. She never said anything. I always thought that was a bad sign. Sure enough, on their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into pretty lingerie for her first time with him, and when she comes out, he's buck naked on the bed with his legs spread waiting for her. I bet it made her feel real special.
29. thejoyof said:
My sister once broke up with a guy because his thumbs were too small. She broke up with the next guy because he wore black socks with sandals.
Deal breaker for me? Must love dogs.
30. bushra said:
everything about my mister is a deal breaker, but here we are.
31. RedneckDiva said:
Gratuitous lack of teeth. And trust me, around here, this is a very, very high possibility.
32. Jill said:
I once went out with a guy who showed up for our date in gray cords. The skinny kind that were probably Wrangler brand. That was it for him.
Notwithstanding the above, my husband once showed up for a date in a kelly green sport coat. I married him anyway. Go figure.
33. Jill said:
I once went out with a guy who showed up for our date in gray cords. The skinny kind that were probably Wrangler brand. That was it for him.
Notwithstanding the above, my husband once showed up for a date in a kelly green sport coat. I married him anyway. Go figure.
34. NinasMom said:
I was never able to date men that are shorter than me, or can fit into my jeans (one of my dates actually did this and it drove me to a liquid diet of rum and DIET coke for days). This may seem shallow, but 1) I'm 5'10" and a size 6 and 2)Shorter men that I attempted to date always seemed to have something to say to my chest.
35. juliloquy said:
Two words: Mommy issues.
36. cagey said:
I had to quit dating a guy because 1) he didn't like onions and since I primarily cook Indian, nearly everything I cook BEGINS with an onion and 2) he complained like a whiny baby everytime I had to work late. I was a CPA in public accounting - HELLO.
37. elizabeth said:
liars and thiefs are usually no good. republicans, guys who actively attend church, fanatical notre dame fans, and guys who wear those awful sunglasses that transition from regular glasses to sunglasses also probably won't get much more than a first date.
38. Bruno said:
Men who attempt to correct your opinions. ‘This is my favorite Bruce Springsteen song’. “This is not the best Bruce Springsteen song’. ‘I love the calamari here’ ‘This calamari is not really THAT good’. Not to mention the gay men, I hated dating the gay.
39. Pete Dunn said:
I made a full list over here...
http://fiddley.com/archive/200608/killing_the_mood
40. NinasMom said:
Sorry about the poor grammer. I switched from present to past tense (since I'm now married and no longer dating) and didn't bother proofing. Not that anyone cares!
41. Jason said:
Blonds would be a dealbreaker for me, it's not that I have anything agaist them, it just doesn't do anything for me.
To add to the pile, drug users would be shown the door quickly, as would strict right wingers, hatemongers, and bible-thumbers. I think could work with just about all others.
42. Ms. Jen said:
My deal makers/breakers are as follows:
1) No drugs
2) Light/moderate drinking
3) Must have backbone and like intelligent, strong opinionated women.
4) Please no atheists or agnostics. I don't want to fight at dinner with you because you can't believe that an intelligent person would believe in God, let alone be a Christian.
5) Hands. Hugs. Both should be strong.
As my friend Julie Wanda likes to say, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
43. Teetotaled said:
Dealbreakers:
Alcoholics
Smokers
Men who hate pets
Men who are rude and arrogant to waitstaff
Men who talk loudly or answer cell phones in the movies
Cheaters!
Men who have no opinion, "What is your favorite restaurant? Whichever restaurant is your favorite!" Boo!
Men who only wear hats and are afraid to show their head
Bad kissers
Men who take 2.5 hours to get ready
Men who hate to read
44. Molly said:
Ha, ha, I'm cracking up because while, IN THEORY, I would agree with the gold chain wearing deal breaker. . .my boyfriend of two years never takes his off. (It's even a crucifix! I know, I KNOW!) He can't help it, he's a sweet dear of a macho Italian guy whom I wouldn't trade for ANYONE, but wearing gold chains is in the blood!
But I have to say, after our first date, after gushing about how great he was, that was the "but. . ." to my girlfriends. "Yeah, he's awesome, but. . . he wears more jewelry than I do. . ." Ah well, but still it works!
Thinking homosexuals are stupid is a dealbreaker ("oh honey, then you're going to HATE both your potential future brothers-in-law. . ."); even being CLOSE to my weight is a deal breaker, can I help it that I'd built like Wonder Woman? Not a teenincy little thing, and I need a guy who makes me feel small; must love dogs (my guy has fully adopted my little beagle girl); and. . . must be GENEROUS in the bedroom. You ladies know what I mean. I dated a guy ONCE who didn't like it. . .back when I was young and didn't know any damn better. Every since I found out that REAL MEN love it, I will NEVER go back!!
45. Karen Rani said:
So many stories, so little time.
Deal breakers:
Men who love clogs (sorry Jon - my hubby would never ever wear those things);
Nose-pickers - yanno, without Kleenex - bare fingers are BAAAAD;
Cheater cheater, pumpkin eaters;
Liars;
Men who treat their Mother's like crap - Daren's mom rocks and he is good to her;
Small twig and berries (grin)
Poor hygiene (have you read True Wife Confessions? My GAWD!)
Substance abuse - you know, more than me I mean;
so many more to list but I gotta grab Troll Baby from pre-school.
I can't wait to read everyone elses!
46. JulieBurns said:
In the early '90s I dated this really cute and nice guy. I quickly ended it after our first sleepover. All night he made this horrible oinking noise. In light of that I was suddenly turned off by the fact that he drove a Suburban and was a volunteer fireman during his break from college. Now that I look back, I can't believe I walked away from all the positive things about him.
47. Darlin' said:
I once went out with a guy who casually mentioned that his ex-girlfriend was going into labor with his baby that night but he choose to go to the hockey game instead because they weren't together anymore. Ummmmm yeah. Dealbreaker.
48. ErinMqt said:
What should have been deal-breakers for me were 1) my then boyfriend telling me that men have an animal instinct to mate with the best female, and he didn't know if that was me, and 2) another boyfriend comparing me to his ex, several times.
Ugh, I was such an idiot. But I didn't realize it until I had someone wonderful (my now husband) to compare all the rest against.
In general, my deal-breaker would be someone who was shallow. Like, not liking me because of the way my hands look, or because of the color of my hair. Apparently I would never hook up with some of these commenters ;-)
49. smoness said:
Bad kisser = bad in bed. Must love themselves as much as they love me. Do not be waiting for me in the bed of my truck at six-o'clock in the morning with Starbucks, or draw a portrait of me with pasted pictures of your face all around it.
50. Sunshine said:
On the first date, we went to a concert that was so loud he didn't have the opportunity to indicate what a complete and total idiot he was (and probably still is).
On the second date, he told me that my dad was the kind of guy who needed to have boys to play ball with and to go fishing with (I was still living at home at the time...a LOOOOONG time ago) -- keep in mind that t the time I was working construction and my sister was lettering in football (and he knew this!). I told him that she and I do fish with our dad, and we bait our own fucking hooks.
When he dropped me off, his idea of a compliment was to tell me that with hips like mine I could pump out twins without breaking a sweat (I was a 36-24-36 at the time!). (I felt like tracking him down when my son was born and saying "Twins? HA! Stupid bastard, I had to have a c-section for ONE!")
He actually called me the next day to ask what he said that made me slam and lock the door in his face and turn out the porch light, leaving him to pick his way back to his car in the dark.
51. Bess said:
I once went out with a very sweet, rough-around-the-edges, attractive guy and found out halfway through the date that he chewed tobacco, which would make any degree of phyical intimacy beyond handholding completely, repugnantly impossible. Bloar.
I don't like guys who are too nice, either. If you can't be a little bit of a bastard sometimes, then I'm likely to accidentally crush you beneath my bootheel, which I would feel badly about later. And I don't need that kind of guilt.
Also, *must* appreciate the Big Lebowski.
52. rockr girl said:
i have a multitude, but i am trying to be more tolerant seeing as how i am 30, single, and apparently my eggs are rotting. Thanks for that helpful info, 20/20!
but overall, the deal breakers/makers are:
must be able to eventually say the words "i love you" and actually MEAN IT. saying it in public gets him bonus points.
must be passionate about something in his life. art, music, books, coffee. i don't care, but please have a hobby other than xbox. but music would be pretty awesome.
no religous fanatics. if you can't help but try to convert me, find another project. and i dont need you to pray over my mortal soul.
be a big boy. as in, have some initiative, drive, onus and purpose in your life!! i dated a guy for 3 years who was laid off in the .com bust who was out of work for TWO YEARS. i hear starbucks is hiring, jackass. get a job, pay your bills.
be upfront about where you stand on things - religon, politics, children. don't pretend that its all cool, and then renig on the deal down the road. chances are, if a girl wants kids, then her man should too. or else it ain't gonna work.
53. linda said:
I once stopped dating a guy because he was allergic to tomatoes. I'm Italian. Life with out tomato based sauce? I don't think so! More seriously, I spent far to long with someone who became verbally abusive after a couple of glasses of wine. He wasn't falling down drunk, but got really, really mean. At the time I didn't realize that abuse didn't have to be physical to have a dramatic impact. That was a lot of years ago. I'm *much* smarter now. Also - married to the most wonderful man in the world, who truly appreciates and loves me. December we will celebrate our 20th anniversary!
54. Bruno said:
OH! I almost forgot about the guy who believed in faith healers. He was so cute I tried to pretend he didn't think that some dude could cure your arthritis by like...yelling at it or something.
55. Heather said:
Deal breakers? Well, there are plenty I ignore, but here are a few big ones:
1. Bad teeth.
2. I don't mind a small penis, just when the guy is obsessed with pointing it out and talks constantly about how small it is.
3. Shows up late without attempting to contact me and let me know.
4. Addicts - alcholoics - chew/smoke - yuck.
5. Lives at home.
Interestingly enough, most of these are characteristics of my ex...
56. uppahand said:
A date once told me that when he finished brushing his teeth at night, he never rinsed the toothbrush off before putting it back in the holder. Why?
"In case I wake up the next day and am out of toothpaste, I at least have something of a paste already on the brush."
In case you were wondering who holds the world record for "Fastest Recollection of That Very Important Thing She Had To Do and Had To Leave Right then So Sorry Thanks For Dinner I'll See You Around..." That'd be me.
57. mj said:
I have trouble even being friends with guys who leave more than 3 buttons on their shirts unbuttoned. Double red flag if there's chest hair showing at the dinner table.
58. eskimo pie said:
If he's shorter than me I'm not going to fall for him. Tried it. Couldn't get over it. Hey, if a guy can say he's a leg man, why can't I say I like 'em tall and lanky?
59. SaraSue said:
Slobs, plain and simple. I can't live with someone who doesn't care enough about themselves to be clean. Amen.
60. Jo-Anne said:
Women who smoke, that would definitely top my list.
Then there's not brushing their teeth on a regular and daily basis, those allergic to cats and dogs, are bigoted, racist, fat-phobic or self-haters, those with internalized homophobia - you'd be surprised how many lesbians are!
61. serafina pekkala said:
Ah, the vagaries of online dating...actual dealbreaking moments:
1 -- Lied about his height. I am 5'10" and he said he was the same. Um, no. If I can see over your head, you are a liar.
2 -- On first date, stacked up his phone, PDA and Blackberry (this was a while ago, I'm sure now he has one thingamabob that does it ALL) in a little pyre in the middle of the table at the restaurant. You know, in case something more important came up.
3 -- At end of first date, after many hours of online chat, wonderful conversation, dinner, movie, walking, smooching, planning next date, got suddenly morose...about his divorce. Which just happened. Three months ago. Buh-bye.
What's funny is that my new husband (!) is the last guy I met online, and he was aflutter with red flags (divorced, living in his parents' basement, growing a goatee!) and yet it all worked out...four years later, anyway. ;-)
62. Momish said:
Mullets, definately mullets. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw old pictures of my husband sporting a mullet of two long Shirley Temple curls. I briefly considered getting an annulment, that's how bad it was. Another deal breaker? Tucking shirts in and NOT wearing a belt! Ugh!
63. Kate said:
The four deal breakers:
1) Okay, seriously. I hate, hate, HATE it when some guy tries to kiss my hand. It's always so forced. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, he's trying to be chivalrous or something but all I can think of is 'why is he trying to sniff my hand?'
2) Also, guys who wear trench-coats when it's not raining. Seriously dude, what are you planning on doing later, flashing old ladies? Hiding a shotgun? Buy a frickin’ jacket.
3) Another thing, I've 5'2", if I can't wear 3 inch heels and you still be taller we have a problem.
4) And finally...big noses. I hate big noses. I like tiny little noses with tiny little nostrils. Think of a young Robert Wagner or young John Taylor from Duran Duran. Simon LeBon's need not apply.
Fortunately I am now married to a guy who:
1) Has never made any attempt to kiss my hand in 12 years. Heck, the dude doesn't even hold a chair out for me or open a door. Believe it or not, this is fine, since he tells me I am beautiful and brilliant all the time. Would rather that than pretentious social stuff.
2) Does not own a trench coat. Generally just gets wet when it rains because he never remembers an umbrella either.
3) Is 6'3" -- I can't wear heels high enough. I swear I was wearing 3" heels when we got married and I still look like I'm standing in a ditch.
4) Has a nose the size of a postage stamp. Really, really abnormally tiny.
So, generally speaking, I’m happy with what I got. But other men still sometimes try and kiss my hand. EWWWW. Gross.
64. Audrey said:
Deal-breakers:
Bad teeth; inability to have an intelligent conversation; inability to discuss a difference of opinion because he is too busy telling me how right he is to even listen to what I have to say; being a cat person.
65. Esmter said:
there's that fine line when it comes to personal grooming...
if the guy in question has either ear or nose hair, or excessively hairy knuckles, i'm out.
on the other end of the spectrum, if his eyebrows are waxed neater than mine and he gets a manicure more often than I do, i'm also out.
66. uppahand said:
Oh and then there was the guy that told me that men like monogamy and all, but eventually they are overcome with an urge to go out and just "spray everywhere."
Damn. Remembering these fools makes me want to go home and squeeze my (kick-ass) husband!
67. Nikki said:
bad teeth. no funky crooked teeth for me. and please don't spell a lot alot. that always bugs me.
68. Carolynne said:
Oddly enough, I just posted this week about my own deal-breakers. Top of the list: guys who can't eat with their hands, guys who don't like my dog (or dogs in general), guys who cry more than I do. And I have to agree with everyone else about the gold chain and chest hair combo.
69. someoneinflorida said:
1. I will not date a person who doesn't like dogs. If he walks into my house and greets my dogs first, he's in. (; This goes for friends, too. I find it hard to tolerate someone who doesn't like dogs. I feel like there's something wrong with their character.
2. I broke up with a guy because he said women should never be allowed to breastfeed in public.
3. Addicts. Seriously, I can't handle it. If I find out you habitually pop pills (the pill poppers are the worst) I'm no longer taking your calls.
4. Folks with religious beliefs I find wholly irrational. I am all for religious freedom, but I can't date someone who believes a lot of arbitrary stuff. I dig on the scientists.
5. Helpless people. This person can't do a damn thing for himself. His mom probably did everything for him when he lived at home and he never figured out how to live on his own. He is looking for you to take over the mommy position. No thanks.
6. Those not at all interested in politics, world news, or anything else that is serious. I have known some folks who were great people, but they were unaware of the world around them. They lived in their own little happy world where you hung out, cooked, and listened to music. Yeah, we had fun, but, man, read something! Please! These people are the worst when they pay NO attention to the news or to worldy events, yet have very strong opinions about these things.
7. mean know-it-alls. They're always trying to one-up you. They're always trying to compete in every conversation and they go out of their way to prove you wrong or to try to make you feel stupid in front of other people.
With all of this said, I have found a man who is perfect for me and I have been with him for 4 and a half years. yay!
70. officerlove said:
I totally agree with Melissa, but I have to add that I will not date anyone who is liberal or democrat in any way. Also anyone who doesn't get along with his family- I am a family person. The jewelry thing is big for me too.
71. hoxwrth said:
Cheap and/or stingy. This guy I dated once rummaged through a dumpster in the parking lot of a restaurant undergoing a remodel--he retrieved the insulation from it to use at home. His Christmas gift to my parents was a tiny recycled jar he filled with candy. He was also extremely emotionally stingy. Oh, and he cheated on me so I guess that would be the number 1 deal-breaker.
72. Littlehoney said:
I am SO GLAD to see some of my deal-breakers listed. (my friends think I'm crazy for some of them). I'm totally in agreement with the man-jewelry and also the grammar. BAD!! I also have a three-date rule. I got really tired of dating the "gentleman" type (you know, the quiet cowboy) who would wait till like the 4th date to kiss the girl and would ask first. MY GOD! Seriously - buck up already. So, yeah if we played that "are you gonna kiss me?" "should I tilt my head this way so you will?" "or won't" game for 3 dates, I'm out. (My poor boyfriend kew me for six years before we got together - he was very worried about this three-date rule.) lol
73. sharkcutie said:
In my callow youth (up to my late 30s), I used to say I wouldn't date anybody with red pubic hair (sorry redheads--it was the result of a Playgirl photo I saw at 17), less body hair than I had or thighs thinner than mine. Now, in my desparate middle age, I just avoid non-readers, people who say they don't care about politics and people who love George Bush.
74. monkeyaker said:
I dated a guy a few times- things were going well. I liked him a lot. Then one day, after we ate, he had all this stuff in his teeth. A LOT. It was almost as if he had braces, but he didn't. I never went out with him again.
And if I don't like the way the bottom of his pants hits the top of his shoes, he's out too.
Oh, and they're out if they voted for GW.
And, sometimes if they're convicted murderers.
75. bethbeth said:
My only true deal-breaker is the "crazy" ex-girlfriend. This sends up so many red flags for me now.
(1) This guy dated, and was in a serious relationship with, someone who either IS crazy or he considers is crazy, bad sign for his own sanity or judgement.
(2) Often the "crazy" ex-girlfriend is someone no more off-center than average, whose break-up (or maybe the relationship itself) was handled badly -- more points off for the boy in question.
(3) Invariably, the "crazy" ex-girlfriend who keeps calling, or showing up, or sends out spies to follow you guys, is being used to make you, the new date, feel a little off-center and like you automatically have some competition. And you are probably being used to keep the ex-girlfriend attached and stroking his ego by desperate attempts to get his attention.
In other words, this guy is a narcissist and manipulative. If you stay with this guy you will become the next "crazy" ex-girlfriend.
76. rebecca said:
OMG, these are so funny.
I've been happily married for 15 years & for a few years before I did marry, I actually had a list of qualities I wanted in a potential partner - including:
intelligent
good sense of humor
honesty
reliably employed
crazy about ME
I never wrote down a list of deal-breakers, but past experience told me I did NOT want any of the following:
alcohol/drug abuser
liar
any hint of potential physical abuse
can't stop ogling other women
Bad hygiene is a real turn-off too. I have a painfully acute sense of smell, and if you smell bad, I don't want to hug or kiss you.
77. beth said:
bad dental hygiene. that is the only one that is a right-off-the-bat deal breaker. I cannot live with anyone who doesn't maintain the same level as I do, and I don't think twice a day brushing and twice a year checkups is too much to ask of any human.
after that initial sizing up, like checking out a horse, we move on to deal breakers like hating dogs, hating gays, or being a republican.
78. Kate said:
Officerlove:
Just a question, doesn't limiting your options to Agnostic/Atheist Conservative Republicans *really* limit your options? Kind of like only being willing to date blind painters or deaf musicians? I mean they're out there but how many of them are there? Three? Five?
79. jawnbc said:
Pretty simple:
1. smoker. You can power wash your throat and you'll still have shit breath. And will still die horribly. Neither interests me
2. obsessed with $$$.
3. Small cock (or ginormous one). "too big or too small is too bad..."
4. major internalized homophobia. if you constantly have to diss other gays because of their not-like-you-ness, go find yourself another self-loathing homo.
80. meninaprons said:
Deal Breaker: She ate a 5-stack of pancakes at IHOP (and syrup) with her bare hands. Looked like she was trying to eat a hamburger.
81. kelp30 said:
I used to have a short list of requirements for dating: Single, straight, can't live with mother, must have career... That was all.
But the dealbreakers? they're amazing. Once, I had a man who stood me up tell me he couldn't apologize because he was free in Christ...
Once, an interested man (who never got around to asking me out) asked if I'd like to meet Willem Dafoe... because he knew him. He could arrange it...
Why can't it be easy, like in Junior High School, when boys who liked you hit you a lot - and violence towards women was the only dealbreaker I had?
82. Sarcomical said:
ooh.
i think one of mine is that it's cool to be with a guy who's all handsy and touchy and flirty and whatnot at the beginning because you're all "whoo! he's touching me! awesome."
but then you see that he's like that with every woman in arm's reach. and then he won't stop coming up behind you with the hug around the waist and eventually you just want to say "please. just...stay THAT far away from me for a while".
ahh, high school.
83. kelp30 said:
I used to have a short list of requirements for dating: Single, straight, can't live with mother, must have career... That was all.
But the dealbreakers? they're amazing. Once, I had a man who stood me up tell me he couldn't apologize because he was free in Christ...
Once, an interested man (who never got around to asking me out) asked if I'd like to meet Willem Dafoe... because he knew him. He could arrange it...
Why can't it be easy, like in Junior High School, when boys who liked you hit you a lot - and violence towards women was the only dealbreaker I had?
84. officerlove said:
Kate,
I knew my opinion would upset some liberal out there. Well, how about you date whoever you want and I will do the same. I don't like athiests by the way, I was referring to the comment above the religious one. But thanks for the concern...
P.S. I love George W. Bush.
85. kelp30 said:
I used to have a short list of requirements for dating: Single, straight, can't live with mother, must have career... That was all.
But the dealbreakers? they're amazing. Once, I had a man who stood me up tell me he couldn't apologize because he was free in Christ...
Once, an interested man (who never got around to asking me out) asked if I'd like to meet Willem Dafoe... because he knew him. He could arrange it...
Why can't it be easy, like in Junior High School, when boys who liked you hit you a lot - and violence towards women was the only dealbreaker I had?
86. Sarcomical said:
oh, and nosepicking.
nosepicking would definitely be a deal-breaker.
87. lawyerish said:
I've never been much the dating type (by choice, and not -- a "friend" in high school told me that I was not the type of girl guys dated; I was the type they married, which of course begs the question of how you marry someone without dating them first, but I digress). I have generally fallen into relationships after being friends with the guy first, sometimes for long periods of time. This allows me to weed out men with gaping flaws before even getting to the dating stage.
However, the couple of dates I have been on have not gone particularly well (it happens that I just wrote about my high school dating follies this week).
One memorable date when I was in law school involved the guy doing his horrifically unfunny stand-up routine for me (he was an aspiring comic, although his only television credit to date is a Hair Club for Men commercial) and the bartender sending me a free drink in sympathy as I sat there, not laughing, for over an hour. The date only degraded from there, as the guy proceeded to get into a fist fight with someone who accidentally brushed against my arm.
So I guess two deal-breakers for me would be (1) a lack of a sense of humor and (2) a propensity toward violence. Along with the usual -- racism, sexism, homophobia, mother issues, strange tics, being shorter than 5'11", being covered in boils, bad table manners, sneezing without covering his mouth, an insistence upon sharing food at restaurants, excessive skinniness, gold jewelry, a Southern accent, celibacy, and a criminal record.
God, am I glad I'm married.
88. ken . said:
Maybe it's different for guys, or maybe it was just different for me, but back in my dating days I'd go out with any woman who would have me. And now, if I were to think about dating again, I'd go for variety: smokers, tall women, big women, tiny women, talkers, silenters, crazies, tattooers, piercers, young 'uns, old 'uns, even Republicans (but just once). As long as she had good manners.
89. jenniferc said:
cheating / excessive drugs / being an asshole or a child
a dated an irish guy named fergus once. he told me on our 2nd date that he was the youngest of 13 and was used tobeing taken care of (laundry/cooking/etc). no more dates but i still got free guinness at his pub in SF for a while.
90. kidsmom said:
Someone who's IQ is more than I0 points below mine. I don't know what my IQ is, but my kids' have IQs over 150, so if genetics work, I'm holding my own.
Oh, and people unfamiliar with soap and toothpaste.
91. bellabugs_mom said:
I have had the worst luck with in-laws and potential in-laws. Are there any men out there with truly normal parents? And by normal I mean parents who won't let my toddler eat dog poop. And if they did, when I freak out about it, won't respond with, "When B (my sister-in-law) was little, she got worms several times from playing with cat and dog poop. It's no big deal."
Are you fucking with me? Am I getting punk'd?
Believe it or not, my in-laws from my first marriage made these people look like the definition of normalcy.
All of this, just to tell you my dealbreaker...
If I were ever in the position to start dating again. I think I would need to know up front if his parents are still living. If the answer is yes. Dealbreaker.
I'm not taking any chances.
92. KellyC said:
No offense to any smokers out there, but "smoking" was a dealbreaker for me in the past. The smell on a smoker's breath makes me nearly vomit. I think I'm allergic or something.
Kelly
93. gleek said:
the one deal breaker that can be surmised before all other deal breakers for me (because all the other deal breakers involve either talking or clothes coming off) is pleated pants. MEN, HERE THIS! pleated pants actually make your butt LOOK BIGGER! ugh, if i see even ONE pleat, i'm outta there.
thankfully my husband passed that test the first time i saw him :)
94. AndreaBT said:
I used to have a lot of deal breakers:
Can't smoke;
Must be a Christian;
Can't be of the "wrong" political party;
And more.
Then I married an agnostic Communist who smoked.
OK, well, he wasn't technically Communist, but he did live most of his life in China under that influence. Anyway, we've been married 10 1/2 years, have two kids with one on the way, and we're doing great. It doesn't hurt that he did stop smoking and did decide quite on his own to become a Christian, but as of now my only deal breakers are infidelity and/or abuse of any kind.
95. Mary Dawn said:
back hair!!!
96. grliegrl21 said:
It's quite simple. I have only one deal breaker: a strong love for The Dave Matthews Band. Everything else is negotiable.
97. Rebecca said:
Once upon a time I met a charming, funny, cute and very tall young man. We shared several phone conversations, a handful of witty emails and a really fun first date. And then for our second date, he showed up wearing a mock turtleneck. The end.
98. bellacantare said:
No matter how cute the guy might be, smokers end up being a deal breaker for me. But only because I get annoyed with their smoke and then the guy gets annoyed with my being annoyed with his smoke and so we become mutual deal breakers.
Also, a bad laugh. I once dated a guy with a really awful, gasping for air kind of laugh...that was really only the beginning of his insanity, so I pretty much see him and anoyone like him as one big deal breaker.
99. erink said:
i guess the biggest deal breaker was after we had sex for the first time, he triumphantly pumped his fist in the air & said "that was awesome!" i never went out with him again.
most every guy i dated had a red flag..all except the one i married.
100. starchitect said:
When a guy shows right off the bat that he's got major baggage/issues...I went on a first (and only) date with a guy I met and within 20 minutes of meeting him at the restaurant, he had told me all about his 'bitch of an ex wife' and how she had 'ruined his life forever' and how he was having a hard time getting past it. Within 20 minutes!! Gah...
Also, if a guy is a picky eater, really messy or has no interest in culture/the arts - these are all deal breakers.
101. sherships said:
I never used to think of myself as the picky type, but, after a couple of weird dates I changed.
1. Mom-haters.
There was the guy I met at a new years party: smart, cute, a writer for a VERY well regarded magazine. Why was he single? Who cares! He asked me out! Fifteen minutes into our first date he told me that he never gave his mother his phone numbers and then proceeded to spend the next half hour talking about how much he hated her. That was my shortest date ever!
2. Guys obsessed with feminine hygiene
It was that time of the month and after using the bathroom at this guy's apartment I came back a few minutes later to find that he'd rooted through the garbage and pulled out my USED FEMININE HYGIENE product!! He said he just wanted to know what was going on down there. Why not just ask??
102. faustina said:
What a great idea. I never have anything real to write about.
My deal breakers, sadly looking back I really didn't have nearly enough. The one that now sticks out in my mind is the dealbreaker of a guy ACTUALLY LIKING ME. Somehow I never dated men who liked me, just the ones I liked, that I thought held some sort of qualities I should have. My husband was the first man I dated who liked me before hand. Sounds pathetic huh lol.
103. M to the D O Double G said:
Deal breakers:
1. Republicans. Dated and dumped a guy who flew an F-16.
2. Short men. I'm 5'2". Most of my boyfriends were over 6 feet and my husband is 6'4".
3. Thinner thighs than mine. I played soccer for 12 years and it still shows.
4. Dumb guys. I dated a ridiculously hot, ridiculously stupid guy for three months. I was embarrassed to take him out with my friends and had to take the "Just shut up and look pretty" approach. Which worked, for 3 months.
5. Business majors. Most of them get weeded out at the 'Republican', and 'Dumb' steps, but I can't handle guys whose ultimate goal is to make more money. Vomit.
104. Sarah Beth said:
If he could out-fillibuster Ted Kennedy, he's a goner; I can run my mouth like a champ, but I know when to shut it. Men who cannot string together a complete, grammatical sentence are out. Also, if the last book he read was "Curious George" at age 5 he's a goner. In addition, other deal breakers are: liars, cheaters, homophobes, Republicans, and Bible-bangers.
If he doesn't like to travel, tells me which of my friends are hot, wears white tennis shoes and/or tapered-faded jeans, collects comic books, watches NASCAR, hunts, plays video games, smokes, dislikes dogs, or drinks lite beer, he's done.
I once dated a man who wore Cocoa Butter moisturizer. NOT Kosher, my friends, not Kosher, nor is asking me to have sex while watching porn. Watch that in your own spare time, thanks.
105. quirky said:
Doesn't "get" the following movies:
Waiting for Guffman
Best in Show
The Big Lebowski
Anchorman
106. Dirty Librarian said:
My aunt went on a series of terrible blind dates and gave me the following advice:
"Any man you date must have a job and teeth."
My worst [first and only] date was with a guy who had a job (said to meet him at his workplace and he worked from home) and teeth, but ran over a cat whilst driving me home. 'Bye.
Additional dealbreakers include working at the counter of a fast food establishment, telling me I look too butch to be straight, poor personal hygiene, grabbing my breasts in public, being rude to waitstaff and tipping poorly, being rude to cab drivers and tipping poorly (unless the ride was super, super scary), inappropriate loudness, and changing opinions in order to always agree with me.
107. Roger said:
How about deal makers….
My dream girl would be a long legged blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a liquor store.
108. starchitect said:
Oh, and there was one guy I was seeing for a while, and the first time we had sex, as we were getting started he said "Tally Ho!!"
WTF?!?!?!
But I was glad I got the very clear sign that he was NOT the one.
109. Dirty Librarian said:
My aunt went on a series of terrible blind dates and gave me the following advice:
"Any man you date must have a job and teeth."
My worst [first and only] date was with a guy who had a job (said to meet him at his workplace and he worked from home) and teeth, but ran over a cat whilst driving me home. 'Bye.
Additional dealbreakers include working at the counter of a fast food establishment, telling me I look too butch to be straight, poor personal hygiene, grabbing my breasts in public, being rude to waitstaff and tipping poorly, being rude to cab drivers and tipping poorly (unless the ride was super, super scary), inappropriate loudness, and changing opinions in order to always agree with me.
110. Smlarson_design said:
If a guy has sticky lips. I was on a second date with a guy who was reasonably cute and we kissed goodnight and his lips were sticky with that nasty film you get if you haven't eaten or had anything to drink recently. Bleh... that was it.
111. Cyclothymia said:
Politics aside, guys who are lousy tippers or overly picky about their service. I had a date once where the waiter asked if we'd like pepper, and while the waiter was grinding the pepper onto my date's food, my date started talking to me, lost track of what was going on, and then sent his food back for having too much pepper. Then left a 5% tip for the pepper incident. Only mama's boys do that, or power freaks. Or total cheapskates.
112. saliesas said:
I think this one goes beyond red flag status into big orange cone with a yellow blinking light. I went on a date with a guy who, in all seriousness, if he could pee on me. Pee on me! This was 4 years ago and I am still speechless.
113. saliesas said:
I think this one goes beyond red flag status into big orange cone with a yellow blinking light. I went on a date with a guy who, in all seriousness, asked me if he could pee on me. Pee on me! This was 4 years ago and I am still speechless.
114. Anne Glamore said:
The guy who took me bowling, asked if I wanted something to drink, and ordered a Coke after I'd ordered a beer. Only after I'd finished two more did he tell me we were meeting the rest of his Young Life (church!!!) group for STILL MORE bowling. Didn't I deserve a warning about the rest of the evening's plans so I could decide whether I wanted to be the poster child for high school debauchery or not?
115. HeathsB said:
One of my red flags was a man who couldn't handle their alcohol.... I once went on a date with a guy who puked on the inside and outside of my car when I drove him home from one of my parties. The other red flag is when the guy smells like he is sweating alcohol out of his pours in the mroning before he showers and you could get drunk of his fumes.
116. Tori said:
Deal Breakers: Aside from the normal addiction problems.
Cheaters (I was suprised I didn't see this more)
If he thinks it's wierd that I ride the bus, I live in Portland- everyone rides the bus.
If he doesn't get out of the house at least once a day to do something active.
If he can't drive, not that he doesn't have a car but that he can't drive because he never learned or has so many tickets that his privledge has been taken away.
Not appreciating my music.
Deal Makers:
Letting me choose the music in the car
Cooking for me, even if it's soup from a can when I'm sick. It's the thought that counts.
Letting me sleep when I'm napping and snuggling in with me rather than getting wierd that I've passed out waiting for him. My past 2 boyfriends have done this.
Not being my knight in shining armor, I like taking care of changing my own tires and working on the car. If I need help I'll ask.
Letting me hang out with his buddies and not getting all freaked out about it.
117. Jennifer Schutz said:
Football. I will never date a man who watches football. I spent too many Sundays of my youth bored out of my minds while my brothers and father cheered on the Giants. Actually, I will never date a man who is into watching any sport on TV (Superbowl and Olympics are exceptions that I'm willing to overlook).
Also, video games. If he is into video games, it's over. Same reason as above.
118. megantidd said:
Deal Breakers: I stopped dating a guy after he told me he had recently 'overcome' being gay, with intense prayer and a fierce regiment of football with burlish lads. Hmm. Right.
119. leahkay said:
Smoking, religious fanaticism, cat hate.
120. Miss Sunni said:
My deal breaker would be someone who is no OK with me being me.
Any guy who had a dream and let it go.
Any guy who doesn't want to be more than he is.
People and habits change. You can teach someone to use a Kleenex and cut their mullet off. But someone who has lost their dreams and has no desire to be more than they are will drag you down into the depths of Hades.
A guy who talks big but doesn't do anything is like sex without an O. You think you're going somewhere, but then...nothing...
121. stephanie said:
while certain things that seem obvious to me would be immediate deal breakers, like total lack of chemistry, homophobia, etc, i'll just be honest here.
lazy eye(s) and/or speech impediments.
there, i said it.
meanwhile, after being largely unemployed for 6+ months with my student loans piling up, i was by luck alone given a job at a font house. and then i heard god laughing when every day i noticed yet another person i worked with had a lazy eye.
122. bc said:
I once broke up with a guy because he wore a neckerchief. It was horrible! I'd already gotten past the too-short pants, and the outfits that looked like his mommy picked them out for him. But the neckerchief was just too much.
I hate long nails on men, men who badmouth their exes (not a good sign), clingy men, and those incapable of communicating with words.
123. Tiggerlane said:
Okay...had a great list going, then it was gone!
I am Virgo and very picky. It's a wonder I got married at all!
MAJOR ones: foreskin, nose-picking in public, rudeness, vanity, men who only want anal sex, Republicans, drunks, hyper-judgmental Christians, guys who openly gawk at big-breasted women, sloppy kissers, men who only want head - no intercourse, back hair, and the BIGGEST one: clumps of deodorant in armpit hair.
And you must test drive the man before you spend a lifetime in his bed. MUST.
124. Runder said:
Jorts.
125. Jenny said:
that's awesome. grats to maggie. i'ma have to check it out once i get the money. i could totally use something like that. i'm out of ideas for blogging.
126. Chookooloonks said:
I once dated a guy for two months who eventually broke up with me because I'm black. Like I somehow TURNED black during the course of our relationship.
Of course, within a week after we broke up, one of my gay friends told me he saw my black-averse ex-boyfriend cruising the bars.
So, you know, I guess it wasn't I was "black" so much as "testosterone-challenged." After that relationship, though, "likes to sleep with men" was definitely a dealbreaker for me.
127. Brin said:
1. Drawn out discussion of his (long format) amateur film in which he mounted the camera to his bike handlebars facing not the scenery, but his face, for over an hour.
2. Sports videogame discussion (although zombie videogames are a gray area)
3. Use of the word "slacks" without UK upbringing or irony.
128. april said:
guys who are quite obviously smitten with another woman and take said woman on kayaking trip on our anniversary.
guys who tell me that the women at work wear nicer boots than the ones I have just proudly purchased.
guys who are disappointed at the bathroom towels I purchased *on sale! with my company discount!* because they do not match our pre-determined color scheme.
self-absorbed pricks
...are all on the 'do not date' list, unfortunately as a result of personal experiences.
129. pears said:
I once went on a first date with a guy I had met while volunteering. My job was to sit behind a counter and register newcomers. I met him for what I didn't reall realize was our first date at a restaurant and the first words out of his mouth were "I've never see you standing up before" - I was about 8 inches taller than him. AND - what I thought was a casual birthday party was a large group of married people, him and I. He didn't get a second date.
130. bc said:
Along those lines, chookooloonks, I don't date guys who think that just because they date a black (or any other color) woman that they aren't racist.
131. Gombi said:
Deal breaker ? Hum... Let see...
A guy with the "I AM GOD" syndrom. Way too frequent.
And I have to say, the chain in the carpet doesn't do it for me neither... Combined with nose-picking ? I am soooo out of there !
132. monkeyaker said:
Stephanie- I totally agree. So at least that's two of us who will be fed-exed straight to hell.
133. liinajb said:
We are not Mormons, but were both virgins when we got married and IT is all good and getting better all the time!
134. marci said:
A guy who smokes. Because their kisses taste icky.
135. Debbie said:
I am soooo guilty of red-flag-blindness. I can't believe I agreed to a second date with the guy who showed up for the first date wearing cammo.
The real deal-breakers that come to mind are:
1) I really don't want to be put in the middle of his problems with his parents; he's got to have at least a decent respectable relationship with his Mom & Dad -- and when I dumped that red-flag guy, I ended up staying friends with his folks. Is that creepy?
2) I don't want to be asked any stupid questions -- as in "You have Bad Santa on DVD? Are you sure you're a Christian??" Also irritating: "Wow, you've got $2,197 in your checking account, why don't you buy me somethin'?"
3) I refuse to put up with anyone who hasn't figured out how to keep himself clean. A spritz of aftershave (from a plant misting bottle) is not an effective substitute for taking a shower, taking a shower but skipping the shampoo portion of the experience is not acceptable, and I don't want to have to explain how SpeedStick is supposed to work, he should know about that already.
4) My last true deal-breaker was the first time a guy took me to his house and I saw all those Carefree Pantyliners strewn about. Seriously. He said he used 'em in his hat to soak up sweat, but seriously...
136. monkey said:
I once dumped a guy cause he was too nice. I mean, TOO NICE. I couldn't picture this guy ever having a nasty, sweaty, romp in the sack. He'd much rather play paintball and listen to Cake on cassette.
Then there was the guy who was all too willing to please me. I told him once "You may not come over my place unless you bring some sort of slushie for me", and he actually did that. The man had no backbone. Plus, he was kinda weird about us having a "connection"- soulmate stuff. And he thought I had multiple personalities cause I sometimes talk in my sleep, therefore he joined a support group for "People who love people with multiple personalities". Then there were the Viking fantasies...ugh. We only dated 2 weeks.
137. Lady_Catherine said:
Smoking. Just no.
Being rude to waitstaff or any service staff. Crappy tipper.
Guys who never make their beds/change their sheets/do their dishes but expect me to do those things when I stay over.
138. virgomezzo said:
People who are mean. Seriously, people who are deliberately mean to other people for the purpose of hurting or humiliating or dehumanizing them. I mean, what the fuck? Not okay.
139. daw8d said:
This is my first time commenting - I basically wanted to say thanks for the great post! Definitely helping me whittle my time away at work. I am always grateful for an interesting distraction.
140. Jennifer in Ohio said:
Skinny men- like if you lean against them, they let out a whimper and fall over. I like big guys- and I'm not just talking about the organ DOWN THERE- I like them tall and beefy.
Chauvinists
People who yell a lot- this isn't a pep rally, this is a living room and you're making me deaf.
Long hair, mustache (I like goatees and sometimes beards in the winter, but just the stache? NO WAY). Cat haters, metrosexuals, long-winded types- they take forever to tell a simple story. Guys who forget the punch line. Guys who want to run their fingers through my hair (I have coarse curly hair, and that activity is NOT compatible with it). Bullies. Guys who paint their nails- yes, even if they paint them black (sorry Dave Navarro). Pierced nipples. People that don't wipe their feet and view belching and farting as sports. Attendees of tailgating parties. Dirty fingernails. Greasy skin. Yellow teeth. Guys that don't open doors. Guys that pick out their ear wax in public.
141. PG32 said:
honestly...the words "devout Christian" make me run for the hills! Every pervert and control freak I've ever known used those words to describe themselves. I have even counseled my daughter (now 15 and a Christian even though I'm not) to not trust people simply because she's met them at church. In fact, I would be more comfortable if she found her first boyfriend at a bar than at church! At least there she's more likely to run into a person who's NOT attempting to make contact with the world around him on his one good day of the week.
142. bloomingyou said:
Deal Breakers for me:
Talks about how he cheated on his ex-wife
Sits there looking at porn on the computer while I'm in the bed.
Can't figure out when he's really starting to piss people off.
Can't figure out that his opinion isn't the only opinion.
Doesn't have the guts to break up with me in person.
Waits 6 months to tell me that we aren't getting married when he's telling everyone else we know we aren't.
Always breaking our dates because his eldest daughter was in trouble (that should have told me he was not getting divorced at all)
143. epiro said:
I once dated a 36 year old man who lived with his mother. He was in a "transition period" and didn't think he would be living with his mom for very long. Seven months later, I was still trying to persuade him to move out and I finally said, "You know what? Screw it. You are obviously not going to get over this whole mother thing. We're through." Or something to that effect. (I'm sure I dropped a few F-bombs in that conversation.)
I also dated a 45 year old man who was afraid of dogs. I sort of felt sympathy for him because he had been attacked by a dog... but come on, even small dogs made him quiver. Six months later, I said, "I'm sorry, but the dog thing is a deal breaker. I have to have a dog."
144. ChiMedia said:
My deal-breakers are pretty basic, but in my opinion they are very major character flaws.
1. Liars
2. Cheaters
3. A man that corrects you in public. This is my mother's biggest annoyance and she has passed it on to me. There is no reason to correct someone in front of others. Wait until you are alone to do so. Please!
145. Kari said:
Granted he wasn't on a date at the time, but I once sat next to a guy at a professional networking thingy who had a legal pad on the table with his to-do list plainly visible. I thought, surely the first item, "Divorce," didn't refer to an actual divorce, let alone his, but oh yes, it did.
Then he leaned across me to ask my friend if she wanted to go to the movies with him sometime. She did.
Imagine my surprise when he turned out to have major baggage.
146. Jennifer said:
Mama's boys. My college boyfriend? Total mama's boy and mama didn't like me. Wonder why that didn't work out.
Men who hate their mother, and, by extension, hate other women as well. Yeah. You're never going to win in that relationship.
Republicanism. Obviously.
Those are really the big three.
147. no name slob said:
I'll echo the chorus of vetoes on conservatism, bigotry, churchy-ness, dislike of animals, and general abusive or asshole-ish tendencies. Also, for me:
--He must not want kids.
--He must not insist on marriage. No piece of paper for me, thanks!
And, more superficially:
--He really, really should not like crappy music. Although I am totally on-board with the occasional guilty pleasure. Who doesn't like Wham! just a little? Right? Huh?
--It's best if he can keep up with me relatively well when we're drinking. Or if he at least doesn't mind when I get drunk and start talking. AND TALK I WILL.
--He should probably be able to deal with it if (oh, who am kidding, WHEN) I correct his grammar and/or spelling. I'm an editor--I can't help it! Seriously, it's like a tic!
148. Debooki said:
I was invited to have dinner over a guys house, and throughout the evening having drinks and preparing dinner, as it became very late and at 12 midnight, dinner was still not prepared, I let him know I planner on skipping the meal to get home but was met with a Psycho response that I best stay and eat the chicken! Excused myself pretty quick.
Still refer to him as the Psycho late night chicken cooka.
Other bad things are:
small schlongs
tobacco chewers/bad breath
& a big one & that is a telltale sign that they are a true ***hole is if they in anyway treat waitstaff badly
149. Michelle said:
I dated a guy once who ONLY wore hiking boots. Always. I just couldn't see going anywhere swank with him and I like swank. I do like hiking boots when, oh I dunno, I'm HIKING.
150. Tanya said:
I went out with this awesomely hot guy who worked in a bookstore. At the restaurant, I asked him what he likes to read, and he says "Oh, I don't really read."
Did I mention he worked in a bookstore? Yeah.
I gave him one more chance because he was so pretty, and we went out on St Patrick's day. After 2 drinks (my Guinness vs his Rolling Rock) he was *completely* sloshed. Falling down drunk.
Two obvious dealbreakers, but you know, I should have called it off before the first date, when I saw how awful his teeth were.
151. justme said:
Driving slow in the left lane -- the PASSING lane, not the GET PASSED lane. Um, hello!, I'm stuck here in the passenger seat getting the evil eye from every car that has to go around us.
If his mother still picks up the latest and greatest comic books for him every Wednesday when they come out. Not a good sign for the future.
And pleated front pants.
152. Debooki said:
oh god remembered another big icky one. Skid marks on the bed sheets. FREQUENTLY ack. but by then had been intimate with this person blak
153. Mary Jo said:
I dated a guy once named Jon. He kissed me on our second "date". A peck on the lips, seriously. He called me later to tell me what a good kisser I was. It was a PECK, a kiss you give your grandma. Not a real kiss that you compliment. After I dumped him he told my best friend "Beware of Mary Jo, she can be evil". HAH!
154. homemadesin said:
I once had a boyfriend try to hammer a screw into a wall while hanging a picture. I watched him pick up the screw, and watched it drop at least a dozen times before getting a nail, hanging the picture myself, growling in frustration and breaking up with him. A man who cannot hammer or screw is not worth having.
155. Lobsterchick said:
Ho boy. As part of a sociological experimentation gone all too right (titled Immunizing Yourself Against the Bad Date by Going on 1,000,000 of Them ON PURPOSE), date #1 was Luther (pronounced by my sister and me to sound like the "th" in "soothe," not the "th" in "th"), who, when I happened to mention that I once saw a ghost, went into seizures and squealed, right in the middle of the art museum, that it could not be POSSIBLE that I was more connectd to the spirit world than HE WAS. This is after he squealed "OOOH! Tiffany!" In depth knowledge of Tiffany lamps and "connection to the spirit world": Deal breaker.
156. jlee43 said:
Dealbreaker: Bad walker!
I once had a first date with a guy that seemed great... attentive, smart, cute, really into me... when were going to leave the bar where we had met (he was there first and sitting when I got there), he turned to go to the bathroom, and I to the door. I stood there waiting for his return, and when he came out and started walking towards me...oh my!! His arms were bent at 90 degree angles, swinging like he was in an ape marching band and his entire body was bobbing up down within about a range of an entire foot.
Needless to say, there was no second date.
157. Kelly S. said:
I dated a guy who was allergic to everything. I didn't care until he told me he wanted me to wash my hair before I came over to his place. Apparently my Aveda hair product was making his sinuses hurt.
158. abf said:
I dated this guy who, as a conservative Christian, had made a commitment to remain a virgin until marriage and then had slept with someone he anticipated marrying, only to have her dump him.
After that, he wanted to try to save himself once again, but having tasted the devil's flesh, he just couldn't stay away.
Every time we slept together (and I mean EVERY time), he would freak out, like I had personally dragged him by his balls closer to the gates of hell.
It should have been a deal breaker but, instead, it just made me more into it.
A real deal breaker? Something much more superficial.
Like a tank top.
159. thefirecat said:
Since meeting my husband of 363 days and counting, I've come to realise that deal-breakers are, for the most part, relative. (although occasionally they also turn out to be relatives)
I would have to say, in retrospect, that included among deal-breaking qualities would be
: inability to forgive
: inability to attempt change and/or emotional growth
: my GOD, how would I live without this man's sense of humour??
: yeah, addictions are tough. Ditto addictive personalities....but I recognise that tendency exists to varying degrees in most people, so maybe I should just say "addictive personalities that are not under medical, emotional, or recovery-group control, or some reasonable semblance thereof"
But on the other hand, this guy married all of my considerable warts, so it's hard to qualify something as a deal-breaker until it happens. You'd be surprised to find out the things you can deal with and triumph over once you're committed to someone.
Oh yeah. I also forgot to mention the obvious:
: he hits me, or BREATHES in the direction of hitting our children, his ass is out the door in the next patrol car. Divorce optional, living separately mandatory.
Not that this is in my husband's repertoire, you understand, but were he to be possessed by aliens and attempt same.
160. miss kendra said:
i went on a blind da