It's against my religion to use more than one exclamation point in any one sentence. Or paragraph. Or story. Or email. Or post.

Chucky man is a hungry dog!

They're sooooo - going to turn you into the PETA people. Then Pamela Anderson will stand naked outside your door.

You know that's not a bad idea-you can piss off the Mormons and PETA at the same time!

Pleeeeeeeeeeease use some of the other, lonely, unused, and 'underprivileged' punctuation, people; they need your help and sympathy... "\][}{+-)(*&,

Thank you for your attention. We will return you to your regularly scheduled leftover-licking.

(No exclamation points were hurt in the making of this comment. But that's only because they behaved themselves.)

Nice. We normally don't let Homer lick the plates, but this July 4th we decided to let him lick the Cool Whip lids after dessert. Notice the wide eyes:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonsagara/187066909/in/set-72157594195262901/

Just know that the majority of your readers get you and your sense of humor, and you are allowed to freak out when the word "cancer" is introduced!

I was really tempted to make a smart-ass remark but I can never top Heather. She is the best. So, I'm going to do something quite uncharacteristic. I'm going to be serious for a moment.

"Biopsy" is the scariest word in the world. To even THINK you have to have a biopsy is scary.

There is no such thing as a little cancer. ESPECIALLY when it's happening to you. You can hold your friends' hands, and you can sit outside the operating room with family, but when it's YOU it takes on a whole other meaning.

Different people deal with it in different ways. Here is one way --> http://radio.weblogs.com/0128341/categories/whatSUpWithJinni/

You deal with this not-so-small-cancer anyway that suits you Heather. You have people pulling for you, praying for you, holding you in the Light, dancing naked around some idol or something. Just get THROUGH it.

I don't use !, I CAPITALIZE.

That video is awesome! My dog is SOOOO jealous!

Since when is ANY KIND of cancer not serious? It may not be as life threatening as others, but come on! You can freak out whenever you want Heather, I don't believe you need to ask for permission either.

And one more thing....which is worse, huh? Your husband putting his clogs in the dishwasher, or my husband putting his sweaty hat in? I know MANY people who commit these crimes all the time, so I deem both disgustingly normal.....

We do the same thing at our house. My parent's dog, Gus, is atune to the scraping of silverware against the plate or bowl and will sit patiently under the dining room table for his little treat. He, too, tends to push plates and bowls down the hall or into furniture. And we, too, put the plates in the dishwasher afterwards. Seriously, do people think you just set them back in the cupboard with a clear film of dog slobber? Come on!

Heather, this post contains what may actually be the greatest sentence ever:

Jon stubbed his toe on the plate that night as we were getting ready for bed, and when he asked why there was a dinner plate on the floor in our bedroom I said, “YOU try licking hardened melted cheese off a surface without using your hands and see which room you end up in.”

I laughed so hard when I read it that everyone in my office thought I was having some kind of fit.

I'm not a dog person, but I'd dogsit The Excellent Chuck! He's fabulous.

And to anyone who said that cancer wasn't, oh, the worst thing ever: find a short pier and take a long walk.

My dog Belle puts her foot in the middle of the cardboard pan, plate, napkin whatever the morsel is stuck to, so it doesn't force her to bend herself into unnatural positions. But then again Belle is too smart to be a dog. The bane of my life.

Many years ago, when ice cream only came in cardboard boxes and groceries came home in paper bags, we had a lovely dog named Chippie whose duty it was to clean all the remaining ice cream from the empty cardboard container, and also to clean leftover food from our plates and crusty bits from casserole dishes. When he passed on to his reward my mother was, naturally, upset because we all missed him terribly, but a large part of the problem was what to do with the casserole dishes and the ice cream containers? Now we have two cats who prefer their treat of milk to be filtered through a few Froot Loops first, and who clean our plates thoroughly of Caesar salad dressing. Not as catholic a selection, perhaps, as Chuck, but helpful in their own way. After all, pets are just little people with fur and claws.

The truth is, I have a pair of Crocs flip flops and when I read about Jon putting his clogs in the dishwasher, I was delighted because I had never thought of that as an option for cleaning mine. Works like a charm.

Now I want to see a video of Chuck rolling over and over and over ike a furry floppy eared steam roller.

OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!

maybe we didn't hear you complain kate but i think we got an earful from the chip on your shoulder. it sounds to me like you have been alotted more than your fair share of grief and that had you complained, or better yet, processed your pain and fear in a safe and supportive environment you might be better equipped to respond compassionately to others. a broken heart, a biopsy from your arm, a lost job, a troubled child, war, ignorance... there are plenty of things that are sad, scary and deserve some contemplation and compassion. It takes courage to expose your vulnerabilities and ask for help and support.

Thank you for sharing your experience Heather and I wish you a quick and speedy recovery.

Oh dear dooce, thank you for sharing this with the internet. It gave me a leave from the current high school like hell my work place has become. Just say NO to Drama!

Heather, I really do hope that your cancer heals successfully and it is one day a tiny memory. That is so scary.
Phooey on the insensitive people- if you can't say anything nice, take your hands off the keyboard!

As for Chuck, he's a rockstar. And if you're ever in Kansas he can come by to lick my plates. I think we all need "Chuck licked my plate" t-shirts!

Having just lost my best friend, Max the Puppy, to cancer, I say let Chuck do whatever he wants. We have them in our lives for such a short time, we should spoil them rotten!

OMG I almost peed myself laughing b/c when I read this I thought immediately of my husband who would fucking FREAK OUT if we let the dog lick our plates and then WASH them in the DISHWASHER that STERILIZES things.....

I WOULD let our dog lick stuff but he is so bloody allergic to everything under the sun and he licks and licks and licks until I am going to scream and often do.

Lick on Chuck!

OMG that is hilarious! He's so intent on licking the plate it's like he doesn't even notice it's slowly creeping away from him...! I have a cat (I know, you hate cats but, meh!) and she loooves licking yoghurt pots once I'm done with them. She's not so funny as Chuck though - she's got more of a cute, 'i've got yoghurt on my nose and don't know it' kind of style. Ignore these fools having a go at you about the cancer - they have no idea.

Reminds me of the time we let our dog lick the rice out of the pot it was cooked in, along with the spoon. The wooden spoon. It was left half-eaten in a completely spotless pot. Hey, that made clean-up easy, though.

Go, Chuck, go!

It's your birthday? Well, Happy Day to you!! And you have every right to freak about the 'c-word,' no matter how small.

I have tried so hard to get my dog to duplicate Chuck's ice-cream-carton-on-the-head trick, but instead he does the SAME THING as Chuck does here...scooting that carton all over the house.

Thanks for the Chuckiliciousness, and as you can tell, I'm a hyphen and ellipses abuser.

You've got to be kidding me. People berated you for throwing your CANCER around? I was impressed at how lightly you were taking it. I mean, "cancer" is never a petty matter.

Screw them. (don't actually screw them. unless you want. but make sure you write about it.)

Perspective people, please.

Heather, I'm sorry soome people were less than understanding about your recent medical discovery. Of course there are worse things going on in the world; there are also better. The point is that this is what is affecting you right here, right now and you deserve compassion and understanding. You have both, from me.

As far as Chuck goes. Get over it people. I'm sure if we walked into your house we'd find plenty of things to trigger a gag factor.

Now THAT is entertainment.

I don't know how you do this job Heather. Honestly the type of balls it would take to withstand some of the idiotic, low-life hate mail you deal with - well they would have to bigger, better, and badder than any goat balls! Even sweaty ones.

I am seething at anyone who would suggest that you were whining about your cancer, as though you have no right to fear for your own health because there are other people who have more serious dieases... What the hell kind of logioc is that? If you go by that logic. people, then you shouldn't be complaining about the content on Dooce.com, because there are WAY bigger and more improtant causes out there that should be gettign your complaints.

And by the way, hate-mailer, it's THAN. Far more disgusting THAN John washing his clogs in the dishwasher. THAN, THAN, THAN. If you're going to try to make a smart-ass comment, THEN at least learn how to PRETEND you are smart, by using the right word.

My cat begs for my Coffee Crisps consistently, but has yet to "lick travel". (Though I hear it's the only real way to see the living room/ kitchen/ bedroom...) As far as people telling you that your cancer isn't a big deal, perhaps they are just jealous. You have a malignant little friend named Ed, and all they have is that ugly ass wart on their noses/buttocks. Must be rough, eh? You'll beat this, Dooce...you kinda have to. God's been duly made aware of the fact that several thousand readers will drag you back down to earth should He attempt to abduct you.:)

My sister "cleans" her dishes the same way. Her dog finally learned to place his paw on the plate to hold it steady. And people don't believe in evolution!

1- You have every right to lose your shit over being told that you have cancer, regardless of it's form or severity. I'm sort of disgusted that anyone would think/actually say differently.

2- Has any form of the phrase "Things could be worse" ever made a single person actually feel better? Ever? For even a split second? I really don't think so.

3- My dog does the exact same thing with licking the plates. She starts off in the kitchen and proceeds to loop her way around the entire house. You should see what happens when we let her lick the last of the peanut butter out of the container. Keeps us entertained for hours.

To all those who allow animals to eat human food (either on purpose or droped to the floor during prep.) Onions & Grapes (especially in raisin form) are fatally toxic to dogs. Ask your vet if you don't believe everything you read in a blog comment.

Mean people suck. Cancer is cancer, and the fear lingers long even after the treatment or removal is complete. My brother might "just" be a melanoma surviver (he had MOHS, by the way, with great success), but every time I see him, I'm a little extra thankful that he's still here. (Of course, the four-inch scar on his lower arm makes it a little easy to remember.) For people who don't take skin cancer seriously and/or feel that they have it so much worse in some way -- well, I feel sorry for them. They obviously aren't surrounded by the support that you are, Heather, which I'm sure far outweighs the hating going on. My positive thoughts and hopes for good health are with you, as is my appreciation for your sharing of your ongoing experience.

Best part of the whole entry:

My first response to this email is: somewhere a sad document is crying because this person’s email stole all its exclamation points.

I don't understand why people get so worked up over the stupidest things. I always take you with a grain of salt and I can't remember you once in all the years of posting saying anything that even remotely made me feel the need to send you an email with lots of exclamation points.

Dogs bring joy and warmth to our lives.

My husband fought cancer for 8 1/2 years. He lost that battle 6 years ago. No cancer is trivial, mundane, or insignificant. When you are told you have cancer, or your loved one has the disease, it is like being kicked in the gut, repeatedly.
There are a lot of people who love your website and the fact that you share your life with us. We are here for you as well. Please remember that. Now go kick that cancer in the ass, girl!

My dog Wilbur would like to tell Chuck that if he would put one paw inside the dish it won't move around so much.

Don't you love when you make yourself vulnerable and then people tear you apart. What betches. Delete.

First, did you know that the Dish Licking Path was the precursor to the Prayer Labyrinth? It is.
Second, I was all worried about how I was going to keep my watermelon pink Crocs with the lime green straps all shiny and Lilly Pulitzer-annoyingly bright. I just pulled them out of the dishwasher (top rack, no-heat dry) and they were just as perky as ever.
Third, you were actually pretty low-key in your freak out, and I perceived it as thoroughly appropriate and full of class.
As someone who lost my mother to cancer, no matter how big or little the creeping crud is, the scare is the scare, and we're each entitled to our responses.
And lastly, a friend behind me in church said one morning, "Your skin is fair and has moles like mine. I just had a pre-cancerous growth taken off my arm and you should probably go see a dermatologist, too!" At first, I thought she was being really nebby and forward, but I know she was just passing on good advice. I now get "mapped" once a year.

Cancer is scary, no matter what kind you have. Were people just being flippant in an attempt to be funny? Maybe I'm naive but I can't believe that anyone would actually feel qualified to judge your reaction to your own cancer!? Crazy...but then again, I don't read half the emails you receive and I can only imagine the weird stuff you get.

If you really trained Chuck I bet he would lick your floors shiny.

I don't know why I am so surprised that people can be so hateful. Whether it's about Chuck licking the plates or you "freaking out" about cancer - I am baffled as to why people use their energy to try to make you feel bad. And btw, I didn't think you were freaking out at all. You wrote about it with a vulnerability that was very touching. To have people judge you that way is awful.

And still, you continue to put yourself out there, sharing very personal moments of your life. I think that's pretty amazing. I'm also grateful. Sometimes I worry that these idiots will piss you off to the point where you will stop writing. I'm glad you see that the majority of your readers think you're great and are on your side.

I rarely comment, but now I am cured of lurking! I'll keep sending positive stuff your way and help to drown out the morons.

One more thing...about the Chuck video. There is something about the little exchange between you and Jon that is very sweet. You can feel the love in your home on all your videos.

Thanks for giving us these little windows on your life!

Wow, some people really get offended easily! I am glad to see that I am not the only one who lets my dog provide some entertainment. They have to earn their keep somehow.

PS. My dog, who also indulged occasionally in human food, lived a full life of seventeen years. One time he consumed 8 paper plates full of Christmas cookies that were wrapped in cellophane waiting to be delivered to the neighbors. The only thing remaining was a few pieces of the cellophane and the ribbons. Needless to say, he had a stomach made of steel.

am I to infer that rachelle has no limbs? if so, way to go on typing. When I type with my nose, I'm not nearly as articulate. If only she could put that hen-pecking to better use.

... and take her own advice.

The majority of people in this world are uneducated jackasses with nothing better to do than spew worthless opinions at undeserving strangers because they're disappointed with their own lives. And to those people, here's my ass. Pucker up.

Does Jon know Crocs make flip-flops? Because that would solve both your problems.

My dog will put her paw on whatever it is she is licking food off of.

I'm pro clog but I have to admit some disgust with their ad that features a chef serving up food in a clog...it makes me gag, even if it was a Jimmy Choo I think I would gag.

You know the majority of us are with you, Heather. You're certainly allowed your "moments of freak out", especially when we know you're strong enough to pull through anything.

I go back and forth. Sometimes I get nervous that the negative comments will make you more selective regarding your subject matter. Other times, like today, I love that people post such lame-ass comments so that you get fed up and and retaliate in your posts.

I'm sure I'm echoing others' sentiments here, but. . .

Cancer is cancer, and I can't imagine it NOT being scary. And for what it's worth, your story has given me the ass-kick I needed to make an appointment with a dermatologist to have my moles examined. Just in case.

What is wrong with a dog licking a bowl or plate? You're going to wash it before you use it again anyway. I'm sure our dogs are eating wild animal poop and God knows what all else while they're outside, then they come in and lick our hands & faces, and we don't freak out about that. It certainly hasn't killed us yet. Besides, my son really likes it when they try to lick the pacifier out of his mouth. It would be cruel to take those moments of joy away from him.

I guess its all a matter of perspective... I grew up in a "dog show" family. At the heights our family had 13 dogs. Dogs, not dogs and a litter of puppies... FULL GROWN DOGS. And yes they were house dogs, all of them, in the house. We had a kennel in which they would sleep and remain when nobody was home, but they ALL CAME INTO THE HOUSE.

Dogs licking plates... that's nothing. My mother contents that food is a little tasteless without a little dog hair.

I now have two English Cockers and they know all the poor pathetic sad looks in the world. They don't know how to be subtle. Since my husband and I rarely eat at a table, they sit at our knees, or on the back of the couch, leaning forward, making sure you know that they are there... just waiting. My dogs know the sound of a cereal bowl nearing the bottom. They get all excited... here it comes.

And personally you haven't lived until you're talking to your dog and they give you a big ole french kiss.

Maybe you should melt some cheese to Jon's Clogs and it will keep chuck occupied and Jon clog free for w while.

did you know that tomorrow is your birthday?! ;-) wooohooo baby! have a great 31st tomorrow. ::hugs::

I am terribly sorry you've been diagnosed with cancer, but your being able to JOKE about it with your husband is really a wonderful (and powerful) thing. But I have to admit, when you told the Internets that he washed his clogs in the dishwasher the only thought that came to my little pea brain was: DANG, how cool is that? I have to try that.

Every time we'd get breakfast at McD's we'd get our dog a egg & cheese biscuit. He would put his paw on the wrapper and hold it down so that he could get every bit of the melted cheese off the wrapper. I'm not sure which is more cute - Chuck chasing it or mine holding it down! Unfortunately, I don't have video of mine.

I was recently told that I had mild dysplasia - which they call pre-cancer. It doesn't matter what kind of cancer it is, that is not a word that you want to hear from your doctors mouth. I freaked out and I don't even have cancer yet.

Oh, Heather! Guess what? We let our dog lick the plates and pans too. Just last night, our dog enjoyed a feast of butter, potatoes, and ground beef directly out of the pan after we were finished. I think it's much more normal to do that than it is for strangers to send rude emails.

How cold and heartless could someone be to say that you don't have the right to talk about your cold, let alone the fact that you are dealing with cancer?

I wish...

That their dog would like his sweaty balls before he gives him a big wet kiss!!!

or

they get a testicular cancer (sweaty ball cancer!) scare!!!

(no one deserves cancer, but some people deserve the scare!!!)

Screw those people, Heather.

On second thought, don't. Why give them any pleasure?

My husband had basal cell carcinoma removed last year. Now he has another suspect spot that I am making him get checked. I don't care what kind it is. Cancer is scary.

And. My dog eats OFF OF MY FORK. Sometimes before I am done using it. I'm not dead yet.

There are no clogs in my house, though. I can say that proudly. ;)

I am so pleased to hear that my family is not the only one whose dogs routinely lick the plates. I grew up thinking this was normal. One of our golden retrievers (we had several) had the habit of taking the plate carefully between her teeth and with quiet aplomb carrying it to her chosen spot before placing it on the floor, where licking commenced. When a non-dog-oriented friend of mine discovered this anomaly, she refused to eat at our house ever again. Feh.

The video is hilarious! Chuck is awesome.

Chuck on a Tuesday. OMG, you spoil us.

When company's over, we like to pretend to put the plates back in the cupboard after the animals clean them. It's good for a chuckle.

I don't know what this says about me, but I think it's far more 'ick' to put shoes in a dishwasher than a shitty-mouthed-dog-licked plate.

That is one cute doggy dog! :)

You should place some food on top of the head of a mop and then Chuck could just clean the floors while he's chasing the crumbs around.

Heather, I was on vacation and I didnt get in until today. Im so sorry to hear about yer cancer. I had a little red strawberry mole on my forhead that just kept getting bigger and bigger until the doctor noticed it when I went in for a sore throat and it ended up being cancer. Sooo... the surgery isnt so bad.. they froze my second forhead and then removed the mole and I wore a band aid for a week. Then it was all gone and I havent had problems since then. I hope it goes as smoothly for you. You'll be ok honey bunches of oats.. you have me rootin for ya! Anyway.. chuck is the funniest dog in the world and thats all I have to say about that.

There is nothing wrong with a dinner plate if a dog licks it clean. Just wash it like any other used plate. Not a big deal.

There is something wrong with people who would seriously criticize a person about her cancer or minimize her personal stress over being diagnosed with it. Shame on all of you, you fucking butt-wipes.

Heather, thank you for tolerating all the weirdness and opening yourself up to all of us Cyber Strangers. You are terrific.

I sure wish my belly skin didn't jiggle when I laugh this hard. 'Cuz I think laughing this hard is sexy until the belly jelly jiggles.

There is a Mythbuster's episode where they tested the bacteria in a dog's mouth, human's mouth and cat's mouth. The cleanest mouth...DOG. Eat Chuck! Eat!

Chuck is the cutest.dog.ever. And I think we have the same dining set.

As to the hygeine of letting the dog lick the plates- whatever. I am of the dirt won't kill you school of thought and our dog eats her own dinner off the same china we do. Obviously, we wash & run through the dishwasher between meals no matter who ate off the plate but still.

And to the complete asses that had the gall to send you anything even remotely negative in regards to your sharing something so traumatic to yourself and your family- give them a great big "screw you" from Cali. I cannot believe that someone could have such a withered soul and pitiful existence as to send something like that to a STRANGER who is known to be a wife & mother dealing with such a scary situation. GAH!

*big hugs* to you & yours.

Take care,

Tabitha

I love the way he can move around and bend his body under and around anything without missing a lick. What a talented pup you have.
You have plenty of people that love you and as many people that complain,come back and read you again and again, not because your bad but because...
YOU ARE THAT GOOD!

Poor Chuck... all he wanted was cheese.

Tell Jon that if he wore flip-flops or normal sandals his toes would be impervious to a little toe-bump from a plate. Clogs are turning him into a wussy.

And freak out about your little cancer all you want... because cancer is still cancer.

Loved Leta's photo yesterday btw. Those cheeks are just yummy.

Ah, my stupid cat used to do that with a foil lid that squashy cheese (it's actually called that) smell was left on. ONCE he put his paw on the lid, but only once. He never did learn...

Billygean

Heather, some people have no lives and way too much time on their hands. So Chuck eats off your plates? SFW? I'm sure you wash 'em afterward. As for your cancer, those hateful c**ts must be stupid as well as meanspirited. They don't know all of the facts, and reading this site doesn't give them the right to tell you how to live your life. People like that are the reason I could never blog, and I applaud your openness and courage.

We used to have a basset hound that was smart enough to put his foot on whatever plate he was licking, thereby avoiding the slide around the room. Our current basset hound? Not so smart. She often loses plates under the couch...

Maybe it was the crocs in the dishwasher that CAUSED the skin cancer? Huh? Did he ever think of that!? (And don't get all technical about the spot being there before the crocs, the two are obviously connected.)

I get irritated when people try to use their misfortune to guilt others. My aunt who could never have kids (very unfortunate) would say things like "Well at least you have them..." when I complain about the horrible behaviors of my three children. Instant guilt. My oldest child is a survivor of Leukemia. It would never occur to me to say "At least your kid doesn't have CANCER," when a friend worries about her child's fever/injury.

And to all the sanctimommies out there... In the words of an inspirational woman I know, "You should stop eating Twinkies."

Gotta love the Chuckster. Dogs are typically bad at geometry, or he'd be heading for a corner right away.

We've always been kind of preachy about not giving our dogs people food. In general, the richness of human food is really bad for their heart, digestive system, etc.

But my kids recently totally ratted my wife out that she was sneaking meat-based leftovers to our dog that tends to be too skinny because she's a psycho. But that doesn't keep her from rolling her eyes at her parents, who wonder why their dog is fat, as they shovel gravy and pork chop fat into his bowl on top of his vet-approved amount of kibble...

My Dad had a basal cell carcinoma cut out a few months back and I freaked when my Mum told me. As usual I looked it up on the 'net only to find out that it can be life threatening if left untreated. Panic ensued. You have every right to freak out.

If it's any consolation, I know how you feel because when I got my golf ball sized pituitary tumour diagnosed someone told me:

'Oh, I don't know what you're worried about, it's benign'

My response was 'Oh hello, want to swap? How about you go through potentially life threatening surgery and radiotherapy. Want to see the 100 staples they put in my head? W*nker!'

I hearby promise to voodoo curse anyone who mocks you for freaking out about your skin cancer.

I should clarify that I don't actually know any voodoo curses but I'm pretty sure if I use my evil powers of imagination I can think of something pretty disgusting. My current experience of voodoo is to shout 'VOODOO' at traffic lights when I'm waiting for them to change. It works like a dream.

Gosh. Lots of stuff to stir people up here.

Kate F.: Where's the joke? Cancer isn't funny. People without limbs aren't funny. People who write such things and believe they are enormously satirical are especially not funny. They are pathetic. What's eating away at you? Maybe an iddy biddy cancer. Lighten up and look at what's really funny. Such as:

1. Clogs in the dishwasher
2. Canine plate-cleaning lick-a-thons.

Heather: Thank you for making us all laugh. My thoughts are with you.

Clearly, letting your dog lick your plates is what gave you cancer in the first place.

Our old family dog Duke used to lick anything and everything we let him, too, but he used one front paw to hold it still (as still as possible). He could lick off the wrapper from a square of magarine so clean you'd never know it had contained trans fats. He also used to scrape the cast-iron skillet with his teeth if there was cooked-on meaty substances, which turned out to be a bad thing. He ended up grinding down enough of the enamel on his front teeth that they eventually rotted and had to be pulled.

This is one of those embaressing things to admit, but the first conversation I ever had with my husband was about the improper use of exclamation points. I feel that people here would understand.

Oh, and he recently had two similar skin cancer things removed. Heather, I agree, even though they tell you not to worry -- it's scary. Good luck!

Dear Moronic Dooce E-mailer:

First get a life.

Second, dishwashers are designed to sterilize their contents when put through the entire wash cycle. I have run clinics that use dishwashers to sterilize speculums. It is a CLIA and JCHAO approved method.

Third, go Chuck GO!

That's what I look like when there's a bowl of cookie dough or brownie batter nearby....

Freak out entirely justified and appropriate under the circumstances.

I don't even have separate dishes for the dogs (one of whom once ate a used tampon). They get their meals on the same plates as everybody else. Also, they get to lick me on the lips and who knows where those tongues have been?

> The same dog you openly share who has eaten your child’s shit off the floor.

My only reaction to this? Where is this story, and why in the hell have I not read it?

I actually gasped out loud when I read the cancer post. My sister has had your cancer at least THREE TIMES now, she's fine except for some cool scars. Freak out as much as you want, its CANCER for christs sake! Get better soon! and Happy Birthday! xoxo

It's "of France!!!!" all over again.

http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/10_26_2004.html

Hi Heather,
Plate chasin' puppies are fun. My dog loves the rice pot. He sits down with it.
So, yeah, I'd rather eat off the dishes washed in the dishwasher with Jon's clogs and all the dog licked dishes THAN believe that people actually email you to tell you your cancer is little.
Mean people are weird.
thleen

I must confess, this entry left me more than a little disgusted... Until today, I wasn't aware that there were people in the world who were delusional enough to believe that there are problems "bigger and more meaningful" than cancer. Or that they have the right to decide which problems these are. Plus, the cancer was getting bigger! Who knows, maybe it would have someday reached large enough proportions to register on these people's "meaningful meter"!
But kudos to Chuck, my dogs are forced to lick and scratch at popcorn dropped in the spaces in our deck.

Jackie the miraculous maltese wants to move in with you now! He never gets the lasagna pan at my house (because he'll turn it to be on top of him, and we'd be spitting lasagna all over the place at the moving pan with reddish-white legs sticking out) and is now pulling ME in front of the PETA folks.

See what you've done? :-)

I can't get enough of your videos! Very entertaining.

We have a Pomeranian that loves my yogurt left overs. I will start out letting her lick the inside of the Yoplait container while I'm holding it, but once she gets her nose in there, I can't help but let go and watch her walk around like a drunk with the container stuck on her nose! You can hear her tongue going 100 miles an hour, desperately trying to reach the bottom.

Dearest Dooce (and the entire Blurbodoocery for that matter);

I sincerely hope, if you haven't done so already, that you are covertly archive categorizing every post and the corresponding asshat-e-mail it generates in the hopes that it will act as an invaluable teaching tool to help the Frog Princess avoid the path of asshattery;

"Look Leta, here is classic example of arrogant and senseless self righteousness"

"See here Leta, this is a textbook case of clueless jealousy, masquerading in the dogma of concern for all mankind"

People can suck it. They can suck all of it. They can have their fill of sucking, and then suck some more.

I hope you keep telling yourself something like this everyday.

I'm not a mom. Will never be a mother. I'm not a dad. I'll never be a father. But I LOVE the Armstrong experience, the writing and the candor. I can't recommend you guys enough to enough people.

I've never felt closer to people I've never met. I get the joy of kinda sorta being a part of your family day to day, without the horror of figuring out how to make Leta stop screaming, Blurb stop explaining or Dooce stop her latest pooping story.

Continued health, happiness and success Armstrongs. The internet loves and owes you guys.

BTW - I think Chuckles may be on to something here. "Leftover Licking Croquet"! I think we should get the X-Games people on the phone.

What? 171 comments and nobody voiced their unwanted opinions about your furniture after viewing that video? I'm shocked.

We have to be careful not let the dog lick paper plates because after he hoovers the remaining food off, he'll start to eat the plate. Because apparently the juices from whatever he has eaten have soaked into the plate and made it edible.

The furry little weirdo.

Oh, man that was great! Complete and total ART!!!!!! with many exclamation points!!

With a dog like Chuck, who needs a dishwasher? And if you train him to lick Jon's clogs, you may never need to buy Cascade again.

Yes, I can see how dog saliva would permanently damage your plates (not). Maybe you should toss them out rather than washing them.

Cancer is not a fun thing to hear in relation to your body. Luckily it was easily removable and hasn't spread. Good news!

Really, you're just doing your part for the environment. Think of all the water that Chuck saves by helping you avoid scrubbing dishes to get off that baked on cheese.

Oh and to the oversensitive dolts complaining about how dirty this is remember that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

I betcha Martha Stewart lets her dogs do the same thing behind closed doors. She probably pees in the shower too.

I was sorry to hear about Chuck losing his limbs from scurvy. I don't think it's nice that people laugh at him for licking his plateful of shitty clogs across the floor. The poor little guy has no front legs. Have a heart, people.

Happy Birthday, Heather. I hope you feel like Queen for a day ...

... of FRANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my best wishes for good health.

If laughter is the best medicine, your prognosis is very, very good.

My family has a running joke for when our cats and dogs have left plates spotless: "We don't even have to put it in the dishwasher!"

Someone once came to my house, heard that, and believed it. The sad part is the person I speak of is a distant relative. She also took offense at my cat biting the muffins. Bah.

Chuck rocks! Chuck gave me hope that my dog would grow up to be cool. So far she has, when she isn't plotting to kill us.

I learned the other day that I have a heart murmer. It's not serious, but I think it's okay to tell people about it.

Skin cancer would scare me, too. I think it's okay for your to talk about it. Any foreign thing on your body isn't good. Hopefully you can get it taken care of soon enough, and then you won't have to at least SEE it again.

And like somebody said long before me, I very much envy your floor.

YOU ARE HILARIOUS!! Your posts make me laugh out loud all the time and I genuinely appreciate your sense of humor. And just for the record, letting your dog lick the plates before they go in the dishwasher is about as normal as it gets. Although, our dog has learned to push the plate into the corner of the kitchen and use the edges of the cabinets as leverage to really get those plates spotless. Keep it up, Dooce. You set a good example for the rest of us bloggers.

My dog just puts his paw on the plate to hold it still, but he's lazy.

That's hilarious... the dissolves to show elapsed time really underline how long he was doing it - superb! Chuck's gonna make some lady doggie REEEEL happy one day.

Watching Chuck awakened my urge to get another dog. He seems like such a great boy! I miss our big goofy great dane. Being to lazy to chase the food around, he'd place his giant paw on or in whatever item harbored any food remnants. It took us a while to figure out where the strange stains on the carpet were coming from and why the dog was licking them.

On another note, I actually took the time to read through the comments today. Wow! Lots of bickering going on out there. Seriously people, do you really have that much time on your hands? If so, argue with your family and friends. It's much more fun in person.

Wait- I don't get it. What's so wrong with letting your dog lick your plates? Why is that wrong? Should I also stop letting them lick whipped cream off my body as well? How about honey? And should I stop putting dirty underwear in the dishwasher too? Now I'm all confused...

And Heather, don't let anyone e*v*e*r put you down for not having enough cancer. Any cancer is cancer enough.

We love you!!

“YOU try licking hardened melted cheese off a surface without using your hands and see which room you end up in.” BWAHAhahaha!

It's our dog's job to come in the kitchen after we finish dinner and lick all the spilled food off the floor under the table. Saves me having to actually sweep under there.

Next Thursday, as I'm on a plane for BlogHer, my Father-in-law is having surgery to remove cancerous nodules from his lung. I called him and told him I wouldn't go, but he said "it's no big deal, you should go and have fun". Well, I'm going, but I don't know about the fun. I'm sorry that there are insensitive assholes in the world who feel the need to belittle other people. I hope the cancer on your arm turns out to be "no big deal". You have my support.

I just have to comment on the ignorance of people getting whacked out when animals eat off of dishes. Do they not know what soap and water is for? Have they ever looked around a restauant and observed the wide variety of sometimes rather unsavory people that are eating off of dishes they may just be eating off of next? Fools.

My dog has learned to hold the plate/pan still by stepping in it - depending on what was in the pan, some interesting footprints can result. Or, you could throw a handtowel on the floor to stablize the container - kind of like the trick to keep your cutting board from moving.

I have a similar skin cancer lesion removed several years ago - I was sooo cool about it, until they started the out patient office procedure, then I totally stressed out. But this is typically a non-malignant lesion, so take a few deep breaths, your non-maligant readers hope this will all be OK (it will, trust me...).

Happy licking to Chuck.

Hon thank you for making me smile after a very rough couple of days.

Our cats love the dishes... bowls, in particular, whenever they hear/see you with a bowl they'll sit there and glare (on good days) or try to climb in the food (on bad days) until you're done and they can lick whatever happens to be left.

It doesn't hurt anybody (long as you can get them to let you eat in peace), the dishwasher sterilizes, and all is well. And hopefully you have a laugh in the process.

Animals are wonderful for stress relief :-)

Chuck is the BEST.

I especially like Jon's sound effect of dog satiety (ahhhh....)

Video snippets of the Armstrongs doing their domestic thang always put me in a good mood. Thanks for sharing!

Heather, I am SO sorry that people suck. And then send you suck-a-licious hate mail. They can just....wait for it....SUCK IT. You are absolutely, unquestionably allowed to freak out. Over biopsies. Over cancer. Over clogs in your dishwasher. The majority of your readers are pulling for you!

On Chuck? The video was fab. I may or may not have snorted while giggling at it. :-)

I was laughing my ass off picturing Chuck rolling over and over. Our Lab, Zip waits by me when I cook, too...but he doesn't know to wait until the food that falls cools off before eating it. He picks it up, then drops it real fast, then picks it up again, etc. until it is cool enough to eat. OH, and he licks our pans and stuff too, 'cause dog spit never hurt anyone!

Well, I thought I was rather gracious to allow you to talk about your health on your blog. It was the least I could do. Now, continue dancing for me, puppet.

But they also lick their privates! :D

Hee hee hee, hilarious puppy! Go Chuck Go! I love pets, they brighten your day don't they?! :)

Happy birthday Heather. Get well soon.

Jane: Funny comment, really enjoyed your humour.

Kate: Get a grip.

I love when people try to make witty, yet disparaging comments and completely muck up the grammar. Oh, how it makes me laugh.

H! A! P! P! Y! B! I! R! T! H! D! A! Y! (Since you love those exlamation points, I thought I'd give you a few extra for the big day...)

Kate:
There is absolutely nothing about your post that suggests humor or wit of any kind! (See your post below.) I think you were just saying that to try and save face.
How dare you measure anyone elses pain? Everyone in this life has crosses to bear; some are very visible and others are not.
As far as the rest of us lightening up, well maybe through this website we have come to truly care about Heather, Jon, Leta and Chuck -- did that ever occur to you? Heather provides a very welcome relief from our own lives. I eagerly await each new entry; I'm quite certain no one says that about your website! (Sorry Heather it deserved an exclamation.) And speaking of which, one would presume (erroneously of course) that if one had their own website they might be less likely to post something such as you did. Perhaps you should consider how you would feel about receiving a similar post to your own site.

"You know, I was thinking of writing to you and telling you that your cancer is stupid and I could kick its ass. There are people RIGHT NOW whose cancer is, like, 100 times the size of yours and these people also have scurvy and are on fire, and you're whining about some itty bitty widdle cancer? On your arm? Plenty of people live without arms! Me, I have no limbs whatsoever and you will NEVER HEAR ME COMPLAIN."

Good morning and Happy Birthday, Heather. People you don't know are sending you good thoughts and wishes today. I would think that would feel odd, if one sat around and thought about it. But a good odd, I suppose.

Now ...

Would the people who are so keen to take Kate to task for her comment mind terribly much doing it through e-mail? First, I think most people read Kate's comment as sarcasm - whether you believe it was well-executed or not is a personal taste issue. And b., Heather knows everybody here has her back, so injecting unpleasantness - even in defense of Heather - is uneccessary. Thirdly - this is a happy place. Let's keep it that way.

Oh Heather, why didn't Jon just put the friggin' clogs in the washing machine instead of the dishwasher and save you a lot of grief? Ha. Ha.

Thanks for the laugh today. I couldn't let a dog lick my plate but that's just me. I can certainly see the humor in you doing it. Thanks for sharing.

See people of the internet world - you don't have to AGREE with everything she says or does, just take it or leave it - and hell, have a laugh or two.

Dear Heather,

I can't believe that you allow your dog to eat left overs out of a plastic carton!!!!!! That is so wrong on sooooooo many levels!!!!! First your killing your dog from the plastic! THEN there are starving children who could be benefiting from your leftovers that you are WASTING!!!just to get a cute video to put on the internet.

I'm appauled!
=oP

Not only do I let my dog lick off our plates, but sometimes if the plate or Tupperware container is too lightweight for her to lick effectively without it sliding around all over, I will HOLD IT for her while she licks. Otherwise she throws a little fit. My dog has me trained!

Do people seriously not understand that leftover consumption is the whole purpose behind having a dog? We have always ALWAYS let our dogs lick plates in my family. I don't even drink cereal milk because I think of it as dog milk.

Also, I had PRE-cancerous cells once and I was freaked out. You. Are. Allowed. Seriously, are these assholes trying to say that if they got skin cancer they wouldn't be freaked out and telling people about it? Whatever.

I just went through the hoops to sign in and make this comment: This? "My only response to those emails is: do you really have nothing better to do in your life than write a complete stranger to tell her that her cancer isn’t serious enough? Really? Because my toilet needs to be cleaned, and I volunteer you." This is hilarious, and sadly too true. I can all too well believe that someone out there doesn't understand that your diagnosis is a big deal. All cancer is a big deal, and not just to the person who has it. So here's a different message from a complete stranger: I wish you all the luck in your treatment and recovery. Someday soon I hope the cancer feels like a small deal indeed.

One of my favorite t-shirts reads (forgive the spelling errors, i'm at work and don't speak french well) 'j embrasse mon chien sur la boche'. i would gladly purchase the one proposed reading 'chuck licked my plate clean'.

this way we could recognize other doocers when we're out and about in the world, you know, kinda like a secret handshake.

could be bigger than the masons...hmmm...

“I was pointing out the frame of mind people must have to be in to say "your problem isn't that bad because there are problems that maybe could be *worse*." ...Those people are stupid, and I was making fun of THEM, not people with terrible ailments and afflictions.”

Arline and others,
Kate explained herself very clearly. And it is obviously true from everything she originally said.
She was making fun of the people who would say something like that, because such a-holes do exist.

I think you probably DO understand what she meant now, but are clinging stubbornly to a non-existant argument.
Especially watching how some of you keep trying to repeat her precise words as though she had said them seriously.
Go you!

Heather, Happy Birthday! I just love your journal, and Leta is adorable. :)

Please pardon me for jumping in, injustice just really pisses me off.

That's one very happy puppy!!

Mean people and self-important people who involve themselves in other peoples lives are lame. Let's just leave it at that.

Happy birthday Heather. Hope it's a great one. All the best.

Loob:
Interesting that there is no way to directly e-mail you... Hiding in the internet.

You really can't please these trolls. I have an image in my head of these people yelling at starving African children, telling them they whine too much. "you think YOU have it bad, Ngubu? At least you HAVE a speck of rice to eat! I subsist on pure RAGE!"

excuse me? you're cancer isn't bad enough?
My response was, omg, she is not freaking out enough! PANIC NOW!

I have a friend who says, "my childhood was worse than yours because it happened to ME", and that's pretty much how it is. it's bad while it is happening, especially if it is happening to you or someone you care about.
I totally have my dermatological issues in a head lock, but of course yours seem worse to you, they are happening to YOU. people who have no sympathy for others are, well, not deserving of sympathy.

Also, if you do sell t-shirts that said 'chuck licked my plate clean', I will totally buy one, especially if it has a picture of chuck on it.

Oh, and people actually think kate's comment was -serious-? Are we all going to have to start preferencing our comments with "I'm on dooce's side!" so we don't confuse people?

Happy Birthday, Heather!!

Er... your bit about the cancer was humourous, and although it's a serious issue, you poked fun at it and weren't all "Poor me, look look minions, I have cancer. Your overlord has CANCERRRRRRR...drama drama...." So, I don't get what the deal is with people writing you and telling you to stop complaining.
I had the same kind of cancer removed from a tiny spot on my back a long time ago, when I was about 15. Although it wasn't exactly a traumatic ordeal, it's still something serious that needed to be done and I think more people ought to be aware of it. They could have it and not even know until it gets worse.
Anyway.
My cats lick our plates, and when my mom found out about this she was horrified.
When we had pet rats, all our leftovers went into their dish. Didn't matter what it was. Even things like potato peels, apple cores, burnt toast, pizza crust, chicken bones, anything remotely edible that needed to be disposed of. They were like little garbage disposals. No organic matter ever made it into our trash can because of those little guys.

Duude. Even without the exclamation points, I am so with that guy. My biggest pet peeve is dogs licking plates and such. Gross. And drinking from toilet bowls. Even grosser. As for the eating of shit? I don't care what they do but keep that mouth away from me and my stuff

But they're your plates and your dog and you have to eat from those plates. When you put it out there, though, people are going to have opinions. And mine is blech. Guess this answers the "will I ever be invited to Heather's for dinner?" question. Magic 8 ball says "it is unlikely." hehe

I stumbled across this blog while at work trying to distract myself from the boredom by poking myself in the face with various office supplies.

Thank you for breaking my boredom streak and making me laugh in the process.

I guess Chuck hasn't realized that he can use his limbs to help out in the after-dinner-plate-licking-process. My dog, Cody, learned young to use at least one, and sometimes two, paws to hold down the dish he was licking to ensure he could get every crumb. The migration technique obviously has its benefits, though!

Heather, I'm one of your non-moronic readers who can tell when you are being serious and when you are being sarcastic. Really, I can.

When the others are finished cleaning your toilet, please have them call me. My mother in law needs her toenails clipped and I drew the short straw.

Thank you.

Heather, CANCER is not a "stupid little sore" and you are not a whiner. I completely freak and run to my doctor over much less.

Luv you, luv Jon (even if he does wear clogs) and especially luv cute little miss Leta. Even luv Chuck and am only slightly repulsed at the thought of eating off dog dishes. I agree with you, much worse to put the clogs in the dishwasher!

Note the use of only ONE exclamation point indicating I'm a fairly normal person. Since misspellings also push your buttons, I'll point out that "Love" is intentionally misspelled to show a proper level of support at this difficult time yet prevent you thinking I'm some freakish stalker obsessed with your family.

My best to you, and evil death vibes to Ed.

Joyce

People, hello: Kate was SO being sarcastic. Phew, the IQ is thin in here today!

HB Lady H

Happy Birthday Heather!!!! I hope you get lots of chocolate cake today.......... :)

Chuck has got to be the happiest dog on the planet.

Right. Based on Heather's denial - which I have similarly suffered for oooh about 2 years. I went to the docs today to have my mole checked out. In summary of what the Doc said and bear in mind she took about 2mins and used long words and gave it a really posh name.

It's old age.

Great!

Sorry, of course I meant to write passed, not pasted.

Thank you Nils for your comment, to wit:

Would the people who are so keen to take Kate to task for her comment mind terribly much doing it through e-mail? First, I think most people read Kate's comment as sarcasm - whether you believe it was well-executed or not is a personal taste issue. And b., Heather knows everybody here has her back, so injecting unpleasantness - even in defense of Heather - is uneccessary. Thirdly - this is a happy place. Let's keep it that way.

Nils was spot on. My apologies to all for not observing better *Netiquette*

Happy 31st Birthday, Heather. (+ imaginary exclamation point). Though I am very sorry to hear about your cancer, there is one very positive thing that has come out of this: it has reminded those of us who have been fortunate enough not to have been diagnosed with this type of skin cancer that we should take more precautions when out in the sun. I clicked on your link to “basal cell carcinona,” started reading up on it and found myself linking to other related issues. One can’t have too much (good) information.

You do all of us a great service by bringing up these and other issues (such as health insurance), since many people have useful information to pass along and we can all benefit from that.

Please continue to regale us with episodes of Chuck the Mighty Plate-Licker. I love reading the various reactions of squeamishness on the topic of personal hygiene, which reminds me of a joke I must share:

Two boys, one from Eton and the other from Winchester, are in the loo *taking care of business.* The one from Eton does not wash his hands afterwards which prompts this comment from the Winchester lad: “At Winchester, we were taught to wash our hands after peeing.” To which the Eton boy replies: “At Eton, we were taught not to pee on our hands.”

Lick on, Chuck!