I Left My Baby in San Francisco
I think I've already established that I'm not so good at this Mother thing, what with not picking up my baby or loving her enough and all the times I've wrapped her up like a mummy in dangerous paper towels and left her to scream in the middle of the street.
In the weeks leading up to Leta's birth I received several gifts from friends, including infant clothing and receiving blankets, breast pads and tiny nail clippers. I remember looking at all the stuff and wondering, "What the hell do you do with a breast pad? Can you eat these things?" because I had NO EARTHLY IDEA what I was getting myself into. I honestly thought that the baby would come with all the clothes she needed. After giving birth to the baby and the placenta, I thought a whole package of cotton onesies would shoot out the birth canal, followed closely by several nightgowns and a six-pack of tiny pink socks. I had gained so much weight that I was certain Leta would arrive with luggage.
I've learned a lot in the last five months. I've learned that babies don't necessarily like to be dangled by their toes from the rooftop or to have their mouths clamped shut with clothespins. Duct tape works better at silencing the screaming than swings or strollers or diaper changes. I'm now an expert when it comes to breast pads (no, you cannot eat these things), and I can shoot breast milk at a target thirty feet away.
Jon and I are totally neurotic first-time parents, and we're learning how to do this whole thing day by day. I will admit that he is a little less neurotic than I am, and he doesn't throw things or growl or serve as a host body for Satanic demons. But every night we take inventory of what we've learned and add it to our notebook of parenting: Leta likes to be outside; Leta does not like the vacuum cleaner or other obnoxiously violent noises; Leta likes the book about the ladybug, does not like the book about the rocking horse; Leta will stop screaming if you sing her that new Morrissey song about forgiving Jesus for all the desire he placed in me when there's nothing I can do with this desire, and please don't sing it in your normal voice, you must sing it in your Morrissey voice, because SHE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE, you stupid parent people.
Last week we were feeling a bit over-confident in our baby skills and made the monumentally insane decision to click the "Book Now" button on two plane tickets to San Francisco (Leta will be traveling for free, on my lap). We made this decision after two screamless days and after a shot or two of whiskey -- bourbon is good for the baby as it gives her liver practice for the hard life ahead. In that frame of mind we were thinking that not only could we travel with this baby, but also that she should have eight or nine brothers and sisters! There are actual days when babies don't scream! How cute is that! Let's have MORE non-screaming babies! Pour me another shot!
After the screamlessness wore off we were sort of confronted with the fact that shit, we're going to travel with this baby? What idiot made that decision? [points finger firmly in the direction of She who serves as host body for Satanic demons] HOW THE HELL DO YOU TRAVEL WITH A BABY?
No seriously, I'm asking you, how the hell do you travel with a baby? We have no idea what we're doing. Keep in mind that Leta rarely sleeps anywhere but in her crib, and she never falls asleep on our shoulder or in the stroller. How the hell will she fall asleep in San Francisco? Are there cribs in San Francisco?
Do you have any tips, other than to shoot myself?
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
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301. bigbigtruck said:
also: nice Tribe Called Quest ref.
302. stella said:
all I can say is 300 posts.
303. meilaan said:
Because I think you'd enjoy yet MORE advice, let me add that on an adventure such as this, you and your spouse are a team. DO NOT ALLOW (I heart all caps) exhaustion or The Creature to come between you. And in reality, the trip probably could not possibly be as bad as the scenarios that you are most likely imagining.
304. Booka said:
What a well adjusted girl Leta is going to be. Let her experience the world. The more traveling you do with her now, the easier it will be for all three of you in the future.
You said Leta is very regular. So, I would have a game plan if she decides to do her duty as the plane is taking off.
Consult Leta’s doctor about the meds. I’m sure they’re okay but, I’m not a doctor. EITHER ARE THE MAJORITY OF YOUR READERS! Chill out people. Besides what do they know if they think paper towels are bad for babies?
Feel sorry for those people who can’t handle a fussy baby for a short period of time. They need a lesson in patience.
Have faith in yourself, Jon and Leta. You will do great!
305. Joan said:
I just returned from a weeks cruise in the Galapogas Islands. A large extended family from Guatemala was aboard with a 4 month old, a 7 month old and two 4 year olds. Those kids did better than most of the adults. The babies went everywhere (in the Zodiacs, on the islands, in the dining room) and were wonderful. I never saw either of them crying. They enjoyed the trip more than anybody else. Your baby will love her first travel experience, too. You will be fine!
306. Jennifer said:
I don't have any advice to give you. However, I have been reading your site for a while and I think that, despite some tough times, you are doing a great job. Take everyone's advice and use it as you see fit. You know your baby best and that is all that matters.
I guess I did have some advice to give after all.
307. Katie said:
Well, I don’t have time to read ALL the comments before me, so I am sorry if I repeat things that have already been said. The breastfeeding at take-off and landing is a good idea except that some flight attendants won’t let you. (They are concerned that you won’t be able to react fast enough in case of emergency.) Bring a bottle for back up—it will have the some affect. If it is a long enough fight you can request a bulkhead seat to give yourself a little more room. Oh, and remember to have fun.
308. Todd Vodka said:
I'm pretty sure you're my mom.
309. heather said:
You have heaps of helpful info! Still I wanted to add my two cents.. We have flown to New Zealand with my 7 month old screamer daughter. 32 hours of travel.. Tylenol is good, Benedryl before a year has been linked to SIDS (according to my daughters allergist)
bjorn is awesome.
I wrapped three of her toys in cellophane she unwrapped and played with noisy cello then the toy..
Board books
Outfit for both of you, (came in handy as 7 year old son threw up on me..)
if you have a dvd and Leta has seen tv before we brought a barney tape and that worked as well...
Good Luck
Have a drink and relax, enjoy your trip and if it sucks at least you will have a story to look back at and laugh!!!!!
310. Lauri said:
My husband and I have 3 kids (10, 6 and 2 1/2) and just traveled for the first time with any of them about 4 weeks ago. We drove from Houston to San Antonio. "The Trip From Hell" I like to call it. So, no . . . I don't have any advice.
But, I do love your sense of humor! I'm sure you'll make the best of it!
311. Jennifer said:
As tempting as the drugs might be (for both of you), as a pediatric nurse I have to put in my $0.02. Don't do it. Whiskey, fine. Wrap her in a towel and shove her under the seat? Might work. Fill her mouth with cotton or a balloon, hoping it might get stuck...GREAT!
Seriously? Think good thoughts. Have a drink. Relax and do everything you already are already doing. And if she screams, well, you piss people off. BIG FAT HAIRY ASS DEAL.
312. MaryAnne Hoebeke said:
I once flew with three children (4 years, 18 mos, and 6 weeks) from Michigan to Frankfurt, Germany. (Military flight) We had to be at the airport at TWO in the morning and the flight didn'tleave until five. By the time we got to our destination, I could have been poured out of a boot. I felt quite proud to have survived, until I saw the young girl with FOUR children under the age of two, who with great equanimity, handled all crises that arose. If I had to do it again, I would FedEx them all.
313. Broch said:
Um, no comment, just saying hi.
314. rowan said:
how do you travel with a baby? duct tape her to the stroller. never fails.
how do you travel with a happy baby without being arrested? see if you can convince the San Franciscans to make a few alterations to their city so that it looks exactly like your own. and pay someone to build and exact replica of your home there (exactly the same, right down to the last crusty dried patch of orange goo) and then bring her crib with you. it might be a bit pricey, but i'm sure if you let them know what they're in for if they don't do it, Arnie would pay for it out of common courtesy.
315. Derbs said:
A little Benadryl never hurt a baby and her parents for that fact. I agree with God and everyone else who commented. Fed her, cuddle her and watch how easy it will be or how fun it is to torment those around you. All will be fine and if push comes to shove..paper towels! lol
316. Derbs said:
p.s. What about Chuck? Who's tending to Armstrong Baby #1?
317. Mr. Jake said:
Best of luck on your flight. It's amazing how babies adapt to change, it is WE how are hung up. Oh, and bring ear plugs for you and your's incase the sceaming on the plane is too nerve racking. I have a friend with a hearing imparied mother. When she holds our screaming 4 month old, he settles in about 2 minutes, no joke. I suppose the woman is not getting worked up like we might by listening to the unrelenting cries for ???? and so, to you my suggestion is ear plugs.
Your routine of bath, boobs and bed will give Leta great comfort and she will settle to sleep no problem.
Mr.Jake.
318. Elaine said:
I've flew with my son when he was 10 months old, on a 5 hour flight Toronto to San Fran. You're definately flying with Leta at a good time. As they get older, it becomes more work, that is until they are old enough to know to sit relatively still and play quietly. Anyway, I just wanted to say that on take-off and landing, I remember that I wasn't allowed to nurse because the flight attendant made me hold the baby in a braced position (basically facing me and against my chest, with my hand supporting his head) This was on Air Canada, and I haven't noticed anyone else having that problem on your long list of comments, so hopefully you'll be able to nurse. I just wanted to add this comment in case it came up so you wouldn't be surprised. Oh, and it's so true about what others have already said - babies smell fear, so have a drink and try to relax.
319. Gia said:
No advise. There is plenty here. But I do challenge everyone here to donate $1 to Dooce for this superb blog.Who can't use $317.00? DJ Blurb doesn't count. And those do double posted must give $2.
Cheers and happy San Franciscoing
320. Toni said:
Good idea, but where do we send the dollar?
321. Toni said:
Shoot. I just figured it out. I guess it's $2 to Dooce from me.
322. Molly said:
I agree with whoever else said it.. bottle during take off and landing. We have yet to fly with our 4 month old, but I did fly with my oldest when she was 3 months old.. the bottle worked best..
as far as on the trip.. being out and about won't be so bad.. you'll find a niche and a new Leta.. she'll probably be tired.. but the big part is going to be the adjustment when you get back home. you'll clearly be able to tell she'll be happy to be home, but it will take a day or two to get her back on a schedule! Good luck! it'll go well! and your entourage of fans will miss you dearly while you are away!!
323. laura said:
All I was trying to say up there was that if your baby starts crying on the airplane, don't start acting like you hate your baby in hopes of assuring everyone else that you, too, can't stand the noise and won't the stupid crying baby just shut up already.
I couldn't care less if a baby cries on an airplane; it happens all the time and how can they really help it?
What really ticks me off is parents who can't be nice to their kids when things don't go just their way. Who is the baby here, anyway?
And though you may be neurotic, you aren't a baby-hater - particularly not your own. You guys will be fine. :)
324. julie said:
While there's no need to cater to the baby-haters, the ones who will take one look at the baby and say "Fuck, that kid is going to sit next to ME and is going to scream the whole way I KNOW IT"...
...there is absolutely also no reason to fill the cabin with the smell of baby poop by changing the baby's diaper in the main cabin, as someone so DELIGHTFULLY suggested above.
I understand that it's not easy to travel with kids, and I think folks should give parents a ton more leeway, but really - y'all - the last thing the people around you really want is the smell of you changing your baby's shitty diaper a row away.
Change the diaper in the bathroom.
Yuck.
325. Danielle said:
My sister-in-law takes her car seat with her everywhere. If your plane has 3 seats together, you can try the old trick of reserving the aisle and window, hoping that no one wants the middle- you can always get them to switch. If you can't get an extra seat, you can check the car seat.
Good luck!
326. me said:
no. 326 rules!!
327. amy said:
we've traveled alot with our 2 kids - took my daughter (also a screamer) to Paris and Brussells at 5 months. It was really not so tough. Book a crib in your hotel. If she moves alot in her sleep, take your crib bumper as the usually don't have them and my daughter would wake herself up by rolling over and bonking her head. The plane is not so bad - if you can, call the airline and request 2 seats with a space in the middle of a 3 seat row. tell them you are flying with an infant, and often, they will sell that seat last (only if the plane is otherwise totally booked) and you can get a free seat. Some airlines have little cardboard bassinets that fit in the seat - line it with blankets and they're pretty comfy - my kids would snooze in them no problem. Try to preserve naptime at all costs. Even if you have to just come back to the hotel and take a nap yourself, it will make the hours that you can be out and about much easier
328. Kat, The Feline One said:
Leta will scream. Every child under five on a plane is required by law to be awful. Take turns entertaining her, feed on takeoff and landing, put up with fellow passengers as best you can (because I fly a lot and I have sympathy both with you and them) and try to enjoy the experience. Happy mothers make happy babies.
329. Rachel Cohen said:
Remember that Shannon works at TRANSFORMER (hair salon) on Haight and while she may never have read your funny words and life...I have and i babysit her 8 month ole and would gladly take your munchkin while you and yours breeze through the SFMOMA or hit a bar and i will give her back when you are done cause god only knows my singing voice does nothing for the aforementioned Mr. Smiths himself....and you can call Shannon and all her counterparts for raving reviews on my abilities with child and dog AT THE SAME TIME..as I have learned that baby's love the dog running and i can tire them both at the same time....
besides that..have a good flight!!!!
330. Heather said:
I posted earlier about drugging her so she'll sleep, apparently othe people don't agree with my motherly advice.
Really, the best thing is to remember that you will never see any of those people on the plane or anywhere else again. So if she screams her head off and annoys everyone, so what. Screw them. Honestly, she'll probably sleep on the plane anyway.
You're going to have a great time. Take lots of pictures and I'm sure you'll have some great blog entries when you come back.
331. Minnette said:
You may not feel this way now, but traveling with Leta at this age is probably better than traveling with her when she's much more mobile. We flew with our son at 6 months and at 7 months and it was quite nice. We made sure to keep him up before we got on the plane and then nursed him during landing and take off (to make sure his ears don't hurt) then he would sleep in my lap for the whole trip.
Were we just lucky? Probably so. And I should have realized sooner that luck doesn't last - he's 15 months now and we're flying to San Diego this weekend. I think I'll need more luck than you.
Also, 24 hours before your flight, call the airline and ask for the bulkhead row (the seats right behind first class) which has more leg room than the rest of the rows. They reserve them for special needs (like crying, writhing babies).
332. Joel said:
So many comments, all good advice. gatecheck the stroller! NEVER check the carseat with luggage, always carry it on so they can't lose it. Sit towards the front of the plane. Bring board books. Have her nap in a pack'n'play now to get used to it. Carry on essentials in case they lose your luggage. Only carry enough diapers to get you there. Breathe regularly... have fun! My first kid took 30 flights before she was 1. We travel with twins now regularly, you can do this.