Welcome mat
When Leta was four months old I scheduled my days into ten minute increments so that I had something to look forward to: the next ten minutes, which meant that the previous ten minutes were over. Each increment brought me, step-by-step, closer to that magical moment when Jon would come home from work, and I could hand him the baby, walk out the front door, and sit on the sidewalk in front of the house to plan the escape I would never make. I could go down the street this way, toward Iowa and maybe get a job at a gas station where I could sell air fresheners in the shape of Christmas trees. Or, I could go that way, to Burger King. The options, they were endless.
It was during this vulnerable time that a teenage boy knocked on our door and sold me a magazine subscription. He said he was trying to raise money for his high school baseball team, and that if I wanted I could have the magazine subscription made out to a kid at the local children's hospital so that he would have something to read while being treated for cancer. There was no way I could have foreseen that this was a scam because one, I hadn't slept in four months, and if someone had come to the door selling breathable air I would have paid them for it. Two, the opportunity to give a dying child his own copy of US Weekly? HERE'S MY CREDIT CARD. What could be more uplifting than seeing photographic proof that celebrities are just like us, that even if we become wildly successful and famous we still have to pump our own gas? Celebrity tabloids, the great human equalizer.
When Jon got home that night I told him what I had done, right before I walked out the door in the direction of someplace else. He didn't need to shake his head in disbelief because I felt stupid enough, particularly about the fact that it had taken me several hours to realize that a subscription to US Weekly wouldn't ever cost $60, and that the kid in the hospital enduring chemo, he couldn't care less that Jessica Alba carries her own groceries.
As someone who grew up in a religion that relied heavily on the door-to-door marketing plan, I have always tried to be nice to people who make a living this way. My brother served a Mormon mission to Quebec in the early 90s, and he often wrote home with stories about how he had spent weeks walking from house to house in the snow and no one would ever open their door. Sometimes people even threw things at him -- shoes, books, and once a very large rock -- and although I'm now a homeowner who hates being pestered by strangers peddling religion, I don't agree with that reaction. But I can certainly understand the sentiment as it gets the point across without having to actually shoot anybody.
For several months we had a few signs taped to the door that read NO SOLICITING and DO NOT DISTURB. And they worked, the sales people stopped knocking on the door, but the tape eventually peeled and fell off. Since then we have just stopped answering the door if we don't recognize the person on the other side. In the off chance that I accidentally open the door without checking first, Jon gave me a script to memorize to make things easier: "Hi. I'm sure you are a nice person, which is why you should get off my porch before my husband comes home and scars your face with a ball point pen."
Last week during Leta's naptime someone rang our doorbell only thirty minutes after she had fallen asleep. And it wasn't a simple, friendly ring. It was a belligerent, vulgar ring that needed its toenails clipped. A DIIIIIIIIIIIIIING DOOOOOOOOOONG where the hard Gs rattled the dessert plates above the sink. Chuck flew through the house and knocked over two chairs on his way to the door, and Jon quickly ran to silence the bedlam. Leta woke up instantly in a mid-nap funk, her entire neck and chest covered in sweat, with a chorus of screams so big they could hardly fit out the opening in her mouth.
The girl at the door was selling magazine subscriptions for a program that was designed to help her communicate better with eye contact and body language. "How am I doing so far?" she asked Jon after he had stepped out onto the porch. Jon handled himself like a civilized adult, and although he had every inclination to show her how his clogs could be flung instantly from his feet like a cannon, he told her he wasn't interested, thank you anyway. And then he immediately came inside and made a new sign to tape to the door:
If I had made the sign it would have looked more like this:
You must have a dooce® Community account to leave a comment.
If you've already registered, login.
If this is your first time posting here, snag a free account.
Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Jeni said:
Yeah, I think I'm partial to your sign.
2. Jlemm said:
The second sign needs "Have a nice day" at the bottom. Or maybe "Start running - I'm reloading."
3. napangel said:
I like your version so much better!
4. carrisa said:
Yes I vote for Heather's sign. Hey, at least you had the courtesy to edit the bad words...
5. Torrie said:
Yeah, I would totally use the second sign.
We have a sign that says "This house is maintained for the comfort and security of our animals. If you don't like it, please GO AWAY"
6. Huts said:
Love your sign. We've had several run-ins with sales kids trying to go on a trip somewhere by selling magazines. It'd be cheaper if they saved the money themselves. I actually took back a subscription order from them. I had been stupid and my kid needed food. They weren't happy.
7. Candice said:
Signs like Jon's don't work. I put one up on our door, and people rang anyway. We eventually just disconnected our doorbell.
I would've liked a sign like yours. Of course with my luck, the day I put it up is the day my pastor randomly stops by for tea or something.
8. vwsista said:
Such a lovely sign, Heather. I'm sure yours would work much better.
9. Sunni said:
Something tells me that your sign would be much more effective.
I have a no soliciting sign on my office door but I fear I mistakenly used invisible ink since the copy machine and office supply salesmen can't see it. When they enter my office I say, "Damn, did I use invisible ink on that no soliciting sign again?" They laugh, thank me for my time and leave.
But enough about me, I love your sign!
10. Furious Redhead said:
Very nice. I always wanted to frame my cross stitch sampler that says "Fuck Off and Die" with the cute bunnies and doves and hang that on my front door. I'm sure the little old ladies in my neighborhood would approve!
11. Katie said:
I have to agree that your sign is much better. So few people get a subtle message--a message with more intensity and a higher danger level is best. I also agree with Jlemm that it needs a "have a nice day" at the end, though I'd change that to include "have a nice f--king day." Ahhhh..perfect!
12. Kiki said:
My roomies and I live next to the Volunteers of America. Homeless men trek over to our group of townhouses selling whatever. I am not a door opener, but my roomies are. They have a hard time resisting the cute, dirty old man outside. They write checks. Suckers.
13. Jill Shalvis said:
Your sign is waaaaay better. I need to make me one of those.
14. Jill Shalvis said:
Your sign is waaaaay better. I need to make me one of those.
15. Kevin Worthington said:
Is that a real sign? Or Photoshop? I can't tell!
16. Penny Rene said:
I've been wanting to hand out cards (in very sweet typography) that read:
I'm sure you do not want a bullet/shoe in your ass, which is why I am politely asking you to take your
-mower
-loud motercycle
-car stereo
-mouth
-cigarette
-beeping truck
-hammer/drill/saw
to another country far from my baby. Sleep is like crack for us and I will do anything to get it.
I am not afraid of you.
Thank you.
17. Arty Steph said:
Yup, I totally dig Heather's sign :) Of course, I just never answer the door. . .but then again, i just have an obnoxious dog, no baby :)
18. Skorky64 said:
I sold Girl Scout cookies for thirteen years, and the sales time was always in January. Bless those neighborhood ladies that let me step inside and warm up while they dithered over their Trefoils vs. Samoas.
And yes, I *had* to beat last year's record each time. I hated those girls whose daddies took their forms to work.
19. kendall said:
that sign is loltastic.
20. Lily said:
I would use your sign, and at the bottom add the quote:
"I'm a donkey on the edge!!"
21. gin said:
This sign is a beautiful thing! I love Heather's edited version. My friends actually hooked a little shocker thing to their doorbell so you get zapped each time you attempt to ring the bell.
22. tsans said:
by the way, a subscription to US Weekly does cost $60. it goes up in july. so sad that i know this, but i just renewed b/c i wanted to keep the lower rate. guess i'm a sucker, too!
23. Muffin said:
Yeah those people working on their communications skills have come to my house twice. I try to be nice but I generally tell them I'd like to go to the Virgin Islands myself so I'll be keeping my $60 but thanks for offering to let me help you.
24. Julie Thomas said:
I once read that Katharine Hepburn had a sign on her door that said "Please Go Away."
25. Wonked said:
The sign is clever, but you need something a bit more viral.
I prefer to answer the door clutching a bottle of lube and a tassled whip clad in nothing other than cowboy boots and a red sox baseball clap.
I don't get repeat visitors.
26. Tiggerlane said:
Heather wins the sign war!!
Seriously, though - I think the prospect of a hideous baby-hippo-head clog hurled at the offending party would be an equal threat.
I always feel badly for the LDS boys who come knocking at our house. My husband always wants to use the opportunity to lambast them for temporarily brainwashing his wife and attempting to lure her back into the fold. I usually let them know up-front that I'm a voluntarily excommunicated recovering Mormon, and that I'll let them guess what sexual depravity I committed to achieve that status within the church. Always good, coupled with a kind smile!
27. PinkPoppies said:
Like your sign totally wins, and totally rocks. Your husband is too polite...
My baby (now almost 7 boo hoo) no longer naps but I once ran out in slippers and nighties in the snow (!)and waved a shovel at some kids that thought it was totally amusing (NOT!!!) to fling snowballs so hard they broke a window and woke up my baby. GRRR.
And I agree, to new moms, sleep is the new drug of choice. So door to door saleperson, "back away slowly and no one will get hurt!"
28. Alana said:
I love your sign, Heather! I have a little No Soliciting sign hanging above our doorbell, and it works fairly well. The only problem is that we have a glass front door, so by the time you see who is there, you're obligated to open it.
I have a four-year-old who loves to open the door, especially when I am in the bathroom. I was trying to get rid of the Schwan's guy this spring, and I tried forbidding my son to go near the front door. That didn't work, so the next time, I grabbed him, and we huddled on the stairs when the guy rang our door. We pretended to play a game, and we finally got the guy to leave us alone. I know, I could have just told him that we didn't want anything, but I'm too much of a sucker. I already have a freezer full of high-fat stuff from them that we don't eat!
29. Jenn said:
Your version is so much better.
There was an article in one of the papers on Sunday that said that the Jehovah's Witnesses were trying to knock on as many doors as they can in the metro area to tell people that the end of the world is coming and to invite them to their convention and now I'm living in fear that the doorbell will ring. Can I borrow your sign?
30. susies said:
My mom has a beautifully cross-stitched little pillow hanging on her door that says "Go Away". Wanna borrow it?
31. lisa ann said:
your sign rocks heather.
32. anna nic said:
If Jon's sign doesn't work, make a huge print of that picture of Chuck with his teeth bared and hang it on the door with a sign next to it, "Rabid Dog Inside. Attacks at Random".
33. Liesl B-F said:
Mostly, I'm impressed with how incredibly clean that glass is. Tell us, Heather, how do you maintain that streak-free shine?
34. monkeyaker said:
All through college I had a welcome mat that said simply "Go F--- Yourself."
I never got solicitors. Added bonus, my parents wouldn't come visit.
35. Erin said:
Ha! We have one of those signs taped to our front door, too! (The first one. I, too, suggested a sign more along the lines of the 2nd one, but my husband said no.)
Because if I can get my 3 month old to take a daytime nap, LORD HELP anyone responsible for waking her up.
36. KaraMia said:
My mother always had us sleep near the tv...it works
I could sleep through a plane crash...lol
37. Elle said:
Your version is the winner at my house.
An aside, given your good taste I'm sure your hubby must be a darlin' in every other way, but he gets anymore joyful and triumphant over this clog thing and you're gonna hafta cut 'im.
38. Kim said:
Heather,
This is my first comment to your site. Let me tell you, that sign is genius. That is how I feel EVERY single day. Our next baby is due in just a couple of weeks and I am just waiting for the stupid little neighbor kid to come and knock and knock and knock. I will eat him for breakfast! Here is an idea, do what we did - disable the doorbell!!
39. Z said:
Wow. I don't think we've ever had anyone knock at our door to sell something. I can't imagine it happening enough to warrant a sign. But trust me, if it woke the baby even once? It would most definitely warrant a sign.
40. rivetergirl said:
We get a lot of Mormon missionaries since we're just a couple hours east of SLC. Heaven help the poor missionaries that come to our house. My husband loves to invite them in, offer them beer and/or soda and then talk to them about whatever happens to be on his mind at that give moment — often it's music, scary punk rock music which he insists on playing for them. Then when he's grown weary of their company he asks them to leave ... never haven given them a chance to give their speil. They alwasy seem so dazed and confused when they stumble out our front door, eyes all squinty in the light and ears full of dangerous music.
41. jes said:
Your sign is SO MUCH MORE SUBTLE that Jon's. Good job.
42. Urs said:
i vote for the second sign
43. RDZ said:
My dad used to invite the LDS/Witnesses/Girl Scouts/Baptists/magazine sellers in and give them a glass of water or whatever. But before they started their spiel, he'd excuse himself to "go get something to keep his hands busy while he listened" and come back with his .22 rifle and cleaning kit.
Good times.
44. Angela said:
Ahaha. A better sign than yours I have no yet seen.
45. Sarah said:
LOVE this. I am making that sign (your sign, of course Heather).
46. shannon said:
how come i can't see jon's sign?! i can see every blessed picture but that one...can someone paste and email to me??
47. la_florecita said:
Good font choice.
48. shannon said:
how come i can't see jon's sign?! i can see every blessed picture but that one...can someone paste and email to me??
thanks!
ps...heather's sign is what we all REALLY want to hang on the door =)
49. Kelly said:
Those kids who sell magazines to go on trips are always super charming and polite, to the point of even flirting with old ladies like me (I'm 31). But the minute I tell them no, that warm smile goes away and they get this look on their face that says "I know where you live."
Also, there are lots of neighborhood kids who are "friends" of my daughter who love to play ding dong ditch. Yeah, freaking hilarious. Little bastards.
50. jagamom said:
Heather your sign wins. I think you need to get your crafty friend to paint a few cute flowers on that sign. Then you could sell them to all of us who are also tired and begging people to not wake the 2 year old!
51. AEMom said:
When I was on my maternity leave with my first. I would do the same thing. Except I counted in hours. 7 hours until he's home, 6 hours, ... He would call me to tell me that he was working only 30 minutes of overtime and I would burst into tears and cry hysterically that if loved me he would save me from my hell. Then when I was on maternity leave for my second, I quickly learned that the doorbell (or any other sudden noise) would wake my baby and I wanted to stab anyone DEAD for having the audacity to ring it while he slept! It never occured to me to make a note for the door (IDIOT!), but one of those people was indeed a "religion solicitor". Me being the very polite Quebecer that I am told him that I was not interested and now had to go deal with the screaming baby that he woke up. I did not throw anything at him but boy did I want to. Actually, what I really wanted was for HIM to breastfeed the baby, lug him around for the next two hours and then walk him to sleep while I napped peacefully with earplugs on. That would have worked for me quite nicely.
52. DannyHaszard said:
Jehovah's Witnesses door to door recruitment is by their own admission an ineffective tactic. They have lost membership in all countries with major Internet access because their false doctrines and harmful practices are exposed on the modern information superhighway.
There is good and valid reasons why there is such an outrage against the Watchtower for misleading millions of followers.Many have invested everything in the 'imminent' apocalyptic promises of the Jehovah's Witnesses and have died broken and beaten.
Now if you wanted to know about the quality of a product,would you listen to the seller or a longtime customer?
---
Danny Haszard
53. lyssann said:
As someone who trained people to canvass for candidates, we weren't soliciting, so the signs didn't apply to us. So, I told my people to knock anyway. However, sleeping baby should discourage them if they have any sense of decency.
Oh, and because of said canvassing, i'm a door-opener, but I know enough to know which are legit or not. I had 4 mormons on my doorstep one day when I was wearing my stand up for choice shirt. If that didn't confuse them enough, I told them that yes, I had read the book of mormon and No, I didn't pray about it because I'm Catholic and we dont' really believe in that now do we? I think they though I meant prayer instead of the book of mormon.
54. Sandra Heikkinen said:
You might want to add something about flying f-ing clogs too...
55. William said:
I tried taping a sign like that to my phone. It didn't work.
56. Charles R. Kaiser said:
Is it wrong that I always invite the Mormans and the Jehovah's Witnesses in for coffee?
57. Stephen R. Smith said:
This, right here, is why I love you guys.
58. dhgatsby said:
Are you selling the second sign? If not, where could I get one, please. Thank you.
59. Dulcenea said:
Clearly, Heather's sign is the winner in the "label the insane homeowners" competition. Yay, Heather! :)
What I really want to know tho, is which half of the conversation in yesterday's "Nubbin" was hers. Really, I could argue either side.
60. lisa said:
If you're selling your sign, I'm so buying it. I'll even buy it on a trucker hat. Let me know when the Dooce CafePress store opens.
61. Lynnlaw said:
We must be in the same mood. You need a pop-up blocker like the one I just wrote about today. I have the idea, you have the brains, there's gotta be a way to do it, right?? It would help THE UNIVERSE.
62. Heather said:
Personally I think your sign is much more creative!! Also much more likely to get people to turn right around and run as opposed to walking...
63. hnrjmpr said:
Your sign is awesome. I think you should keep it up!
64. keagansmom said:
so when did u come by MY house????
65. dre said:
Heather, your sign wins! I pity the poor fool who ignores it.
While my husband was off work for a month I started noticing more and more solicitors knocking at our door. The icing on the cake was one Saturday - at eight fucking o'clock in the a.m. - when a couple answered the door and asked, "Is Adam home?" All I could think was, "Uh, who the hell are you!? And how do you know my husband's name?"
Needless to say he's no longer allowed to answer the door. :)
66. JC said:
good sign. going to make one now. (i also need to dismantle the doorbell, the one that rings for no reason and always at inopportune times.)
67. Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said:
I've been much too nice to our local elderly Jehovah's Witnesses for the same reasons as you are...the growing up in Utah thing.
This is why I've been given a lovely invite to some kind of conference they are having in Odgen. Yay! Wait, I can't go...I have to wash my hair and shave my chickens.
They'll stop knocking on my door around Halloween. I put up a fabulous display that includes several severed body parts.
68. MelanieinOrygun said:
I am in complete awe of Jon's ability to be nice to that girl after that. "Program to increase communication skills" or not, I would have read her the riot act and traumatized her for life. Hey- maybe it would've been a valuable lesson in effective communication - Do Not Lean On The God Damn Doorbell Or People Will Eat Your Face Off.
69. Jill Murray said:
Like, omigod!
I TOTALLY opened the door to a pair of Mormons one snowy afternoon in Quebec.
I was about 15 and experiencing PMS for only the second or third time in my life, and I told them I was "busy," and then immediately felt guilty because I was visibly just watching Anne Of Green Gables on TV.
So I closed the door, watched them walk back down the driveway and went back to my movie.
Note, though, that I was very nice about it, and didn't throw anything.
70. TerraT said:
I just realized that I got scammed. Thanks!
Umm, where were you last month?
71. Shannon Seery | EXCELER8ion.com said:
Our sign said:
"You Wake Her...You Take Her"
72. JustLinda said:
If they came to MY door, I would totally make them watch the kids while I go to Dairy Queen. 'Cause I need me an Oreo cookie Blizzard RIGHT F---CKING NOW!
73. textimage said:
sorry heather, jon wins again. his use of both roman and capital letters is more considered in 4 words than your 28. two beating in a week? rough stuff ;-)
74. dancingnancy said:
AUGH! I thought this was just an Oregon thing! I'd never had it happen before until we moved up here, but I swear these kids ring our doorbell at the most annoying moments (think pajamas...no bra...). They always want me to shake their hands and "tell them how they're doing". Well, if your point is to thoroughly annoy me with talk of magazines that magically allow you to travel to the Caribbean, then yes, you're doing quite well. Sorry, but kids coming to my door to hit on me, tell me about their huge dog, and about how their "drug program is giving them the opportunity to heal by selling people stuff" just doesn't work for me, thank you, good day.
Thanks for the idea, I'm going to make my sign now....
75. Jamie said:
I am making that sign right now and taping it to my door!
76. Charissa said:
heather, your sign is my favorite. :) We live in military housing, stairwell style,on the 4th floor, so we don't get solicitors but lots of annoying little brats whose parents don't watch them like to run around and ring the doorbell buttons at the bottom of the stairwell. I'll go answer the door and no one is there, and it's always right when I've managed to get my 2 year old and 3 week old napping at the same time. These parents also seem to think it's a great f---ing idea to let their kids play on the playground behind the bedroom at 10:30 pm!!! thanks for giving me a chuckle today. :)
77. AJ said:
Hey, my brother served in Montreal in the late 80's. Now he is the only one besides me (of my 11 siblings) who has left 'the' church. I figure most people only have 1 brother, so I am doing okay.
78. ricardipus said:
Can I suggest one improvement to your (most excellent) notice?
'P.S. Bite my *ss!'
That is all.
79. patchuga said:
Ooooohhhh, we made that sign (the first one) the day after we brought our firstborn home. Because we lived in a small Midwestern town, the PROUD HOMETOWN OF DANFORTH J. QUAYLE (and I couldn't move out of there fast enough), and we were plagued by door-to-door evangelists and Kirby salesmen.
Even with a sign, we often had the evangelists knock or ring the doorbell. One pair, two women with nameplates designating them as "Sister June" and "Sister Ruth", were very persistent. Even though I was very polite and said that we already had a religion, thank you, they kept yelling at me as I closed the door that "You must not want to get to heaven!"
Now we live in a town where soliciting is against the law, and I am very grateful. We get the occasional Girl Scout, but no evangelists.
80. wealhtheow said:
Actually, I think you could market that sign and make a fortune.
81. Caloden said:
I love your sign. The peeking through the curtains thing works, but only until the children are old enough to joyfully, and willingly, answer the door. I sometimes have to physically restrain the nine-year-old from letting in the religious zealots, she doesn't understand that if they come in one time they will forever return.
But anybody who wakes a sleeping baby -or worse, a toddler- should be punished in unheard of ways.
82. issa said:
While I like your better, I think his is probably effective. Go to kinkos and laminate it though. Then it will still be there when she is ten. That would be funny.
83. raine said:
I wonder if it's also to keep internet fans at bay :) I have family in Utah, and so visit a few times a year, and I often wonder if you'd open your door to a fan if they came bearing booze and mormon war stories :)
I figure clogs flying at one's head isn't the best thing in one's day, so I've never let it go past idle wondering.
(I also can't bring myself to be rude, even to the missionaries come to question my current stance on the church (NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?), when I've had 3 brothers serve.)
84. chitlinsandcamembert said:
For us (in the French countryside) it's the gypsies who come door to door selling baskets, while actually scoping out your house to steal all of its contents. I want your sign, but targeted to the gypsy population and in French.
like "Take your f--king baskets and shove them where the soleil doesn't shine."
I'm still working on it.
85. tk said:
I think you should go with both signs on the door. But I think your's should be decorated with flowers and puppies and kittens and stuff...
86. Goooder said:
That's amazing! I hope the sign keeps working. Sometimes people think that if they aren't actually 'selling' something it doesn't count as soliciting.
Not so many solicitors in Massachusetts. Once in a while, but maybe like 2x per year.
However, when I was in Tokyo the Mormons and JW's were at my damn door every single week. Way more than I ever encountered in the US. I think they were always saddened when a white English speaking girl opened the door.
87. jw said:
When I was a stay-at-home Mom in Nebraska, we had a system in our neighborhood called, "Mormon Alert." You would answer the phone and hear, "Mormon Alert," and you would hang up and call the next person.
When I had my last Bundle of Joy I got a sign, much like those "Baby on Board" signs that read, "Sleeping baby. Please do not ring bell." It didn't work. So I hung is OVER the door bell. Still didn't work. So we unhooked the bell.
Now, on the rare occassion I feel like dragging my lazy ass to the door I will politely decline. Once. I will politely decline a second time. After that, it depends on the time of the month! Except for one. Malachi House is one I can't resist and I will always scare up cash for them. If they got a portable debit-card reader I'd be in big trouble.
88. Snickrsnack Katie said:
Yeah, your sign is way more to the point. And if someone still didn't heed your sign's warning, you would have every right to do whatever you felt compelled to with one of Jon's hideous clogs. Those holes really make the clog streamlined and aerodynamic, and the salesperson would have to get a real good headstart in order to dodge it.
I knew that clogs had to be good for something. Aside from being the ugliest things on the planet.
89. Heidi Nelle said:
Maybe at the end of your sign, you should've said "Violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again."
90. Sarah-Jean said:
That is AWESOME!! I want that sign!!
91. PixieMegh said:
Oh. My. Freaking. Hell.
ROTFLMAO!!!! Please use YOUR sign and hide a video camera... it'll make for great laughs. I can see all the Utard Mormons (as the California Mormons *fondly* call them) falling over in spastic seizures.
Heather, if I get fired for reading Dooce at work (getting caught because of my fits of giggles) do I get to be Dooce Jr? Or is that title already assigned to Leta?
92. Amy D. said:
PixieMegh, I was thinking "dooce by proxy" for getting fired for reading dooce at work...what do you think?
93. angelaspyder said:
I F--KING LOVE YOU!
Now, mass market those bitches so I can put one on my front door!
94. JennJenn said:
I am laughing SO hard.
I feel exactly the same way.
95. Chantel said:
I used to live in a ghetto. The only people that knocked on your door were the cops asking me where I was 2 hours earlier.
I wonder how it would work on a "J'Witness" sales staff?
96. chitlinsandcamembert said:
Goooder - same here (in France)! 5 days after moving into my first apartment in Paris, 15 years ago, the Jehovah's Witnesses climbed 5 flights of stairs to talk to me.
And last summer, just a week after I moved into my new house here in the Loire Valley, the doorbell rang and it was THEM!!!
I swear they have some shady deal with the French White Pages where they get notified as soon as someone new moves in.
97. Ang said:
You rock. Keep your sign up!
98. patchuga said:
Actually, I just thought of the perfect no soliciting sign....with apologies to Douglas Adams:
Please do not ring the doorbell or knock on the door as a punch in the mouth often offends.
99. rpgoodwin said:
Are the solicitors who're "working on their communication skills" to "get out of the inner city" all over the US? They're thick here in SE Texas. I live in a suburb north of Houston and they come through about three times a year. They're charming but extremely aggressive and make you feel like a heartless racist if you don't listen to their spiel and buy their magazines. We actually had to point a gun at one to get him to leave last year. My question - is this a legitimate operation or a big scam?
100. rpgoodwin said:
Are the solicitors who're "working on their communication skills" to "get out of the inner city" all over the US? They're thick here in SE Texas. I live in a suburb north of Houston and they come through about three times a year. They're charming but extremely aggressive and make you feel like a heartless racist if you don't listen to their spiel and buy their magazines. We actually had to point a gun at one to get him to leave last year. My question - is this a legitimate operation or a big scam?
101. JessicaRabbit said:
We have TWO no soliciting signs up and yet STILL people knock on our door at 9 am on a saturday, ask if they woke us, then continue on with their sales pitch.
Im going to put up a sign that just says, If you knock on my door you are legally giving me the right to feed you to my hungry Saint Bernards.
102. Brian said:
We have a similar problem with people ringing the buzzer on our apartment for the apartment downstairs.
It always happens during naptime.
103. Toyfoto said:
Aren't you glad he got his clogs back? That's a PERFECT use for them!
104. Scarlet said:
I said no to a magazine sales person once in college and later, whenever he saw me on campus he would yell out mean things.
I like the second sign.
105. monkey said:
OMG...we have those people too. They got me twice in parking lots. The whole "I'm in this program blah blah blah if I win I'll send you a postcard" spiel. Now with the kiddo having to sell subscriptions for school, it's not a problem to turn them down.
I'm kinda nasty with door to door solicitors. Mainly because we live in an apt complex with a whole "No Soliciting" sign on the door. I thought about putting a "This includes Jehovah's Witnesses" at the end of it.
106. Warrior Knitter said:
I knew I forgot to do something today. Thanks for the reminder. Instead of sleeping baby, mine says, "Grouchy homeowner won't buy anything from you anyway."
107. lolabelle said:
I completely understand everyone's angst about and anger toward door-to-door salespeople, but please consider that not everyone who comes to your door is trying to sell to you. I'm a reporter at a small-town newspaper, and my job often requires that I go talk to residents in town about their thoughts on a municipal issue or policy. Sometimes, the best way to do that is to go knock on a few doors.
It is never my goal to disturb you or wake your child, so maybe you could reserve the profanity for someone who's not just trying to do her job. Telling me you're going to shoot me because I had the gall to knock on your door is a bit overblown. By all means, let me know that the baby is sleeping. I won't ring the bell. But maybe I'll leave my business card in the mailbox and ask you for a call back. Would that be so awful?
108. Kristin said:
THIS is why I love reading your blog. You rock.
109. moose said:
Luckily, the only solicitation we get is the homeless dudes rooting through our recycling. And the occasional crack dealer. Do you think a sign like that would work on the crack dealers?
"Does my doorway with its carefully potted though less carefully watered flowers look like a dark shady alley? No? That's because you're in the wrong goddamn place. Try across the street and two doors down."
110. moose said:
I say you should hand the next sales pitch a screaming Leta. They'd never come back.
111. PixieMegh said:
AmyD~
I'll take Dooce by proxy. It would make for a good blog title too. LOL
112. timothyjlambert said:
Why would anyone want to solicit a sleeping baby? They never have any cash.
That second sign says it much better.
113. belda said:
Heather,
Please put that sign on your door.
114. dellladownunder said:
Go on Heather, use your sign... you know you want to.
115. Melessa said:
As someone who also once hocked my religion door-to-door, but is now a mother whose children take naps; I couldn't agree more. Frankly, I'm more annoyed by the magazine kids than the JW's. But that may just be me.
116. Everqueer said:
I can only imagine what it's like to be disturbed by anyone coming to the door like that.
Thankfully this kind of soliciting (and panhandling!) are illegal in Cuyahoga County (Cleveland, Ohio)
117. Claire Jennings said:
Your sign reminds me of one my mother has in one of her junk closets in her basement. It says something to the effect of, "You f- with me and you f- with the entire trailer park."
118. bellybuttonbugs said:
Now that reads like a line from Pulp Fiction.
Quentin Tarrantino would be proud.
119. sperose said:
i'm definitely more a fan of the second sign.
120. Brad Martin said:
I think you should include a picture of yourself with your hair all crazy and one eye squintier than the other, maybe some cat food stuck to your face.
F--ucking-A.
121. mediaguy74 said:
The sign should be one that is round with an arrow with different messages. So depending on your mood and all that, you move the arrow to the appropriate message. If that fails, I am in favor of the 2nd one. Much more poetic.
122. TiffyWiffyPooPooWanna said:
Is there soliciting when the baby isn't sleeping? Because I've got some really neat wrapping paper I'd like to bring by sometime.... My kid is raising money for the PTA.
123. Chloe said:
Our doorbell has never worked. It's wonderful. I highly recommend it. The only time I miss it is on Halloween because we do like to see the children, but the dog barks and that works for us.
124. Coolbeans said:
Great post! Unfortunately, US Weekly does cost around 60 bones for a subscription. It's absolutely ridiculous, and, though I'm addicted to the mag, I wouldn't let myself subscribe because of the price, which equals to about $1.30 per issue....So, I keep buying it off the shelves for ~$3.50 per issue... ;( Anyway, the upside of your mag subscription experience? Perhaps some sick person did in fact get US Weekly magazines from you!!!!!
125. Paige said:
I need the second sign, but it needs to say that whoever pressure washes his fence or mows his lawn anywhere from noon until 2:00. The neighbor behind me does this at least weekly and it is always in the middle of naptime. Both kids sleep on the back side of the house too. Makes for a very looooong day.
126. drwallyb said:
What if the solicitor can't read? You might need some kind of visual. Maybe a picture of your middle finger? Or incase some kiddies come to sell more $60 magazines, a picture of sick child in a hospital bed saying, "We already support sick kids with nothing to read."
127. angelmilk said:
I like the idea of planning an escape.. although, mine is 15 now so she could probably follow me ;)
128. jody2ms said:
" and although he had every inclination to show her how his clogs could be flung instantly from his feet like a cannon"
LOL! Where do you come up with this stuff?!!!! I want to be clever like that, dammit!!!
129. Staci said:
I put up a sign in my door (Baby Sleeping) and (Mommy too) so that when my UPS man delivers all of my GOODS...my dogs don't go bullistic and wake my "sleeping baby". Once in a while some other idiot will knock on the door and the whole day is ruined!! My dogs are just nuts when it rings!
130. Karen Rani said:
I have the bottom sign on my door, right f--king now.
131. trophywife said:
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only idiot on the planet that fell for the I buy the magazine and it goes to the kid in the hospital scam!
I hope those people will end up scamming their way to get a pretty blue pill to keep their huge cell mate and his hole O' love happy.
The guy that scammed me only got away with $30, but he worked the whole neighborhood so who knows how many fell for it. I'm in GA so he must like to travel far and wide.
I like your version of the sign better Heather. : )
132. HDC said:
I think the overwhelming vote is for Dooce's version. Though I'd have added a big picture of the meanest, bloodthirstiest looking snarling presa canario/pitbull hybrid I could find. That will drive home the point.
133. The Bold Soul said:
You know, I've lived in New Jersey my entire life and although we have had our share of kids selling fundraiser candy and magazines and gift wrap, and you can usually spot the Jehovah's Witnesses coming a mile off (I pretend I'm not home), just the other day we had our first Mormons come a-knocking on the door. (Does anyone EVER let them in?) Between them and the non-denominational religious zealots who showed up just the week before... man, people must really think New Jersey needs some SAVING.
Having no sleeping baby and not wishing to invent one, here's my version of the No Soliciting sign:
"Thank you for disturbing the peace and quiet of my home with your arrogant need to tell me how your particular brand of religion is the "right" one or to sell me some crap I don't need. Be sure to leave a card with your home address on it so I can visit you at YOUR home during the dinner hour and spout off about my own beliefs. You now have exactly 15 seconds to run for your life before this porch self-destructs."
134. fernicus said:
I vote for your sign. It contains the word that we, the insane mothers of the world, utter most frequently when some moron dares interrupt our childs precious
sleep with careless doorbell ringing.
Legislation needs to be passed making this a crime punishable in an appropriate fashion. Perhaps being locked in a room with 10 colicky babies from the hours of say, 6 pm til 2 am.
135. Kassi Gilbert said:
My husband sells cable service door-to-door. It is the hardest, most grueling job that he has ever held. His pay is based on how many sales he brings in (i.e. commission), he has a quota to make, and if the technician doesn't install the service, he gets penalized.
Our bills are paid by his efforts. He works so that I can stay home and raise my kids instead of a stranger, who will most likely abuse or neglect them (which we have experienced).
He works this job to feed us, clothe us, and otherwise make our lives as liveable as possible. Unfortunately, the state in which we live has the highest unemployment rate, and jobs (good paying jobs) are hard to come by unless you are an engineer. My husband is not.
So, he does this job...and every day comes home to tell me what repugnant, belligerent, jerkholes people are to his face EVERY DAY--just because he knocked on their door. That's what doors are for...most have knockers for this very reason...and looky there, a sidewalk leading right up to it.
Several people in his department have had to take time off of work for sick leave due to the stress. A co-worker of his died of a heart attack-job related stress.
So, I say...yes put up the sign. Especially if it saves you from having to be a total jackass to a hardworking, unsuspecting human being trying to feed his or her family. And if it saves the sales person from having to deal with such in return. At least the sign keeps everyone peaceful...and out of the hospital.
By the way, this by no means implies you or your family are repugnant jerkholes, and I do not like to be solicited any more than anyone else. But there is a way to do it and a way not to do it...and unfortunately most people don't have the social skills to handle this situation tactfully.
I'm all for the (first) sign. If they knock or ring after that, then they deserve whats coming to them.
136. Susan said:
About two years ago I created a sign for our front door and it works! It reads:
Please! No Soliciting, Selling, Promoting and such.
We know our faith and our political affiliation. And God knows we have enough stuff. We appreciate your intentions, but would appreciate your respect for our privacy even more. Thank you!
137. Mack'sMom said:
A way to really send door-to-door sales people into a stupor is to say, "Someone was already here yesterday. I bought ______ from him. Sorry!" Now you're not stingy or mean!
When people call to sell things I always say I work for a similar company for the product they are pushing. "I work for Anderson Window so I get them at a great discount! Thanks!"
The key with telamarketers is to keep them on the phone, if time allows. They get paid by their volume, so if you hang up fast they just move on to the next phone number. If you really want to have fun with them play that your interested, ask a lot of questions. Make yourself sound like a sure thing! Trust me, they'll be one pissed off cookie once you do hang up!
138. Mack'sMom said:
SUSAN...I like it, I will make sure I make one tonight!
139. Annejelynn said:
how subtle...
ha!
140. vegasandvenice said:
I have to go with Jon here. Why? Less egg to wash off your car come halloween time.
141. Mrs. Kennedy said:
Nice font. Is that Meta?
142. Courtney said:
Nice sign.
We had a couple of college-age guys roaming our small-town Iowa neighborhood one late night last year selling magazine subscriptions. My dad politely got rid of them (holding back a large black labrador, no less), but we later found out they were canvassing to rob someone, and had harrassed other neighbors before and after us. The cops ended up telling them to leave town, as there was a rule against soliciting at that time of night, but I locked the doors after that!
143. Varla said:
Ah, suburban living. (Un)fortunately, I live in a neighborhood where people shoot first and ask questions later...which tends to keep the door to door sales down considerably.
It doesn't however stop the cherubic Mormon boys from knocking on my neighbors' doors. They only go to certain houses though - is there some complicated algorithm by which they decide where to go?
144. Nicole Rosenleaf Ritter said:
I found out last year after two of the "I'm selling magazines to learn how to better communicate" guys scammed me that their program is pretty much a scam for the kids doing the selling. I mean, you will get magazines, but the kids selling them are getting screwed.
Most sign up after answering some vaguely worded ad like "See the country! Travel for free!" and then are subjected to high-pressure techniques to get them to agree to go. Then they're shipped across the country and told they have to earn their trip back by selling a certain number of subscriptions.
That said, I am fond of sign #2. :)
145. msadventures said:
I would have liked to have borrow either one of those signs yesterday.
When delivering fliers, why can't people deliver them into the mailbox? Why MUST people peer through my uncovered windows, see me peacefully reading on the couch, and then send their CHILDREN up to ring my doorbell, rouse my ass off the couch, to TELL me everything that's on the flier, then hand it to me?
GUH!
146. Lauren said:
This reminds me of a few years back when my friend thrust her camera right into my face and took a photo (blinding me in the process). Close up "WHAT THE FUCK?" shots aren't exactley the most attractive, but she then decided that she'd stick it on her front door with a sign underneath is saying "No soliciting, or i'll unleash the beast."
When I went to pick her up for prom, me and the rest of my friends nearly fell through the door laughing.
You should use the second sign..!
147. gorgeoux said:
And that's why my boss has kindly asked me, repeatedly, to leave no more 'welcome' mats anymore in the corporate toilet. Even if we both agreed that some 'ladies' were crass, the potential image and financial damage for our business would have been immense, with clients potentially needing to check the loo that opened its doors to a mat like 'I f******* believe that we are not "just" asses', or the likes.
148. mystery mommy said:
Our sign merely says "No Soliciting." It is right next to the door bell. We didn't add "Baby sleeping" because salesmen don't give a rats ass. What we did do is add a little sign that says "NRA members welcomed here."
149. barwench said:
I have to share a joke this reminded me of.
Why do mormons have inverted nipples?
*poke fingers outward* Get off my porch!!!
150. amy Jacobs said:
Ok, that made me laugh so hard I was crying! I think you should market that second sign. It would sell like hotcakes! I've totally been there. I've nearly broken my neck before trying to rush to answer the phone or door while my 17 month old naps. One day when I finally got to the phone, after having leapt over countless legos, dolls, strollers and such, jamming my toes in the process, I answered the phone to hear on the other end, "Yes, is this Mrs. Such and Such...Mrs. Such and Such...this is a courtesy call from." That's all they got out cuz I immediately said, "Courteous my ass...you just nearly made me kill myself and woke my baby up by calling here..."F**k off!" and slammed the phone down. Why is that a simple phone ring or door bell will wake a baby orthe sounds of parents contemplating having sex,but my daughter slept through two naps last week when we were getting a new roof put on the house???!!! Good post Heather. All of us parents can TOTALLY relate. Nap time is as sacred as that time the Buddhist monks spend on mountaintops contemplating their belly buttons.
151. gabip said:
Heather, that is F--cking awsome, your sign gets my vote.
152. gabip said:
PS. I love the pic of Jon watering the yard with Leta strapped to his back, now that is a serious husband and father.
153. barbie2be said:
can you sell those on cafe press?
154. gabip said:
PS. I love the pic of Jon watering the yard with Leta strapped to his back, now that is a seriously rockin husband and father.
155. Court@RespectRx.com said:
My neighbor, very sweet, always knocks so hard I think it's the cops with a warrant. And she always wakes us after just dozing off into to a light carb-Tivo-comma around 9 pm. My husband always jumps to answer, without looking out the window, as I'm like NOOOOOOOOO because I'm always bra-less, startled, think it's one those magazine hustlers -- and he doesn't KNOW who it is and he just opens the door. Hasn't he seen Friday the 13th? And we do live downtown where our neighbors have actually reported watching TV, while someone slipped in the back and took their keys and purse and drove out the driveway with their kid in the car (well, practically). So you don't just open the door like it's Oprah and the Wildest Dreams Bus.
And with that fierce knocking you'd think my neighbor's house was on fire and then it's: Can you help me lift a XYZ out of my car or can you put my entertainment center together or can you snap my shoulder back in. GAWD. I love her, but she's got brass ones!
Considering trip wire for the porch...
156. Kassi Gilbert said:
amy: Hmm...I usually just turn the ringer on the phone off and let the answering machine get it if my kid is taking a nap.
Novel idea eh?
157. hidypitts said:
perfect
158. Jen Mahler said:
That same lady came to my door a week or so ago. Was she a blonde lady who seemed realllly cracked out? She made me uncomfortable - very very fidgety.
It was really hard to get her to leave. She was relentless. But luckily she only woke up my cats, so it was no big deal.
Had it been my sleeping child? Death to her.
159. Lora said:
Man, I sure wish I had that second sign when my son still took naps. It is priceless!
160. melinda said:
Go Heather!!
For the reporter and the wife of the cable-guy: While I realize this is like walking up to a group of people talking about you or your loved one, think VENTING! :-P
Back to topic--I was nice *once* to a JW. He returned the next day with a posse to try to convert me (I'd just come home from the hospital after surgery and was delerious) So, several years later when I was living in an apartment complex and some knocked on my door, I explained the 'No soliciting' sign at the front gate. They claimed they weren't soliciting, so I called the office and they were trespassed!
Finally, thought for those magazine peddling kids trying to get out of the bad neighborhoods. Point out that they ARE out of that bad area and none of us are entitled to overseas travel just for selling a few magazines!!
ok...now I'll go back to LMAO over the sign. cheers!
161. mermaids103 said:
on many days, i would *love* to post the 2nd sign on my front door. our old neighborhood had a "solicitor alert" system where we would call each other when solicitors where in the neighborhood. our house sat atop a very long and ridiculously steep driveway. i would watch the solicitors take a look at the driveway, shake their heads, and simply move onto the next house. it was awesome. our current house in on a tiny lot where a baby step takes you from the street to 10 feet inside the house. i don't answer the door. my boys have been taught how to creep quietly to door and peek through the peep hole. unless it is one of their friends, they don't open the door...not even to their grandparents. (grandparents insist that *i* taught them that trick. hah!)
i sympathize with those who try to make a living doing door-to-door or telemarketing, but that doesn't mean they have a right to invade my space. i'm a teacher, but i don't go into their homes and teach them math against their will. my door does not exist for just anyone to knock on it. once you cross my property line, you are trespassing. having an unlisted number did wonders for cutting down telemarketing calls. at this point, my friends call my cell. if the house phone rings, it's probably not anyone i want to talk to so i let the machine take a message.
162. thejoyof said:
It's official.
I love you.
163. Sandra said:
Is this why you won't let me in, no matter how many times I ring the doorbell?
164. far and away the farthest said:
Why do we even have doorbells? The sound they makes lifts you two feet off the bloody couch. I have never lived in a house so large that I couldn't hear a knock at the door.
It would be a nice touch if you could have a video of people reading the sign and sloooooowwwly backing away from the door. Maybe instead of 'have a nice day' it should end 'Keep your hands visible at all times.' It would make the videos even better,
165. AndreaBT said:
I am so glad to know I am not the only person who doesn't answer the door if it's not someone I know. Usually we know it's a solicitor just because someone is knocking at the front door (because the way parking is at our house, everyone who has a legit reason to be here goes to the back).
166. kerry said:
that is f*cking priceless! LMAO!
our doorbell is turned off, but if someone knocks, i just don't answer the door.
as far as phone solicitation, since we still have dial up, i leave the computer connected to the internet all day so i don't have to hear it ring. i hate running to the phone (usually when the kids are asleep) to answer the phone only to see that it's a number i don't recognize. i usually hang up on them.
167. Carolyn J. said:
I also don't answer my front door. If you know me and you're coming, you call call first. I don't creep around either, I just walk up & look thru the peephole. If I don't know the face, I walk away.
168. Murphy said:
You got to spellllll out those nice words. Cause if I'm a door to door saleswitch and I see my life being threatened by a sign that doesn't even cuss at me proper, I'm heading for the doorbell.
169. HighlandAmy said:
I like your sign Heather....
I have a lovely sign hanging on my front door with Ivy vines surrounding the words that read simply: 'Go Away!'
170. writernaut said:
I love visiting your site and I love seeing which google ad they are going to match with your entry. I laughed out loud when I saw the ad "Gas Station for Sale."
171. BeachMama said:
I had a similar sign to Jon's just last summer. I wish I had had one of yours, it would have worked much better :)
172. Shelli said:
Can I have YOUR sign, Heather?
173. shanntastic said:
Brilliant! A sign. We always just go for completely ignoring any human not previously phoning. Or I send my husband Anthony, who is often asked if his mother is home.
174. Nick T said:
I think your brother might have met my mother on his mission trip.
175. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Like Jess said, we have TWO signs on the door and uninvited people STILL knock. Two "No Soliciting" signs should not be taken as merely a suggestion.
I have no use for anyone knocking on my door who isn't invited or who doesn't have legitimate business with me. I've pondered, with varying degrees of seriousness, the logistics of installing a sewage cannon by the front door. Nick and I have also discussed a front porch catapult.
Now if I could just figure out a realistic way to spray urine in the faces of phone solicitors who repeatedly ignore my presence on the "Do Not Call" list...
176. Shalini said:
May I get a copy of that second sign? I really need that here!
(btw, I got the crocs for my birthday, so if any solicitors come I can beat them with it!)
177. GA_GAL said:
NO!!! Don't move to Iowa. I actually like you. :)
178. mrsjcatalano said:
i live somewhere where that NEVER happens, so the need for a sign is amazing to me.
179. TeenSleuth said:
I love you.
180. jenlovely said:
keep your sign!
i hate people who sell things door to door.
i always feel like they're a con even when they're legit.
and religion peddlers are the worst. they always send the oldest man in a three piece suit to my door. it's a dirty, dirty trick.
181. letajoy said:
Love it. Must have one for front door. Are you selling them, perhaps door-to-door?!!
182. Syl said:
I am now required to tell all young people selling magazines or whatever else that I am not allowed to purchase magazines door-to-door after a rather large magazine purchase for which I am sure I was robbed but did actually recieve magazines for.
And thankfully, the doorbell on my new house was altered by the previous owners so it does not resonate, but clinks, more like "dink, donk". My toddler is not one to stand on courtesies when woken from a nap either.
183. Gin said:
That's a little funny. Just last week, I went and visited a friend of mine, a teenage boy, while he was having chemo. Guess what was on the card I gave him. Jessica Alba. Freaky, huh.
184. d-mode said:
WTF is a "F-king"? Must be something your Oremites came up with back in the early '60s and then attempted to make all the rest of the Utahn world adopt into our every day civilized conversationalisms.
As for me "F-king" means "fart king". Yeah, that's you...and Jon. I guess you are really the queen and Jon the king....but he must give you fair rule and rein to fart amongst your queendom or...I guess... fartdom.
Peace and may the fart be with you.
185. carla said:
We had some neighbor kids come to our door the other day selling crystalized ginger out of a sweat worn zip lock baggie...for a mere .25 cents a piece. I promptly said, 'no thanks'. The retort back was "gawwww, that's what everyone says...why?" me-"because it doesn't look very good" Hopefully I dashed his teensey hope of being any type of salesman, I didn't know smarmy started so early.
186. Deb said:
I have 4 kids and NO I am not Mormon. Or Catholic, just stupid.
anyway, once when the older kids had friends over and kept running in and out and slamming the doors I put up a sign for the kids that read:
"Unless you are bleeding or missing a limb or in danger of being killed are you to open this door b/c if you wake up the baby I will kill you first."
About a half hour later someone dared to knock on the door and I came out, ready to make good on my promise. I discovered the parent of one of the kids playing at our house who had read my lovely note and had a terrified look on his face as he asked me, "is this a good time to pick up Casey?"
Obviously, I prefer your sign
187. Kirsten Klym said:
oh, the mirth - i am filled with it. both the sign and the thought of manclog as weaponry. those mofeeks HURT.
188. smg said:
Hi Heather. I've never commented before, seeing as so many people often say what I'm going to say anyway, but I had to this time, simply out of an 'I feel your pain' moment. A few years ago a very bubbly girl approached me in the middle of the mall and said she was a college student at a local campus, selling magazines as a fundraiser for her communication department (I think she got it from me that I was also a student at the time). Anyway, she was very distracting, very convincing, and she took advantage of my then-gullible state and got $70 from me...in cash. I realized what I'd done as I left the parking lot, and I think the other cars on the road were smart to keep their distance. I loathe bubbly girls now. And I support your choice to post your own sign. They've earned it.
189. millerbiere said:
"If you ring this doorbell and wake our napping children, you will get to visit God sooner than expected" also works well in the visual communications department.
190. shannon said:
where the f**k is the f**king sign jon made?!?!? can anybody just f**king tell me what it f**king says?? how come i can see all the f**king pics in the whole f**king blog and not that f**king one???
fanks, fanks alot.
jeepgrrri@aol.com
191. thisbearbites said:
If you wake the baby I will have you put to sleep!
192. TxSuzyQ said:
There are times the "Kick'em in the balls" approach is totally necessary. Naptime... kids, or mine, is one of them.
I endorse this method!
193. JenniferH said:
I love you and YOUR sign.
194. plue said:
An US Weekly subscription now costs $60?
I live in the smallest house in a really posh neighborhood and there's a group of kids who do not live here who come by every now and then to solicit.
My husband and I are always tempted to ask them, "Do you see how small this house is? If we had an extra $60, don't you think the first priority would be to fix that shingle that's missing from the upstairs window?"
195. sithsnoopy said:
LOL!
Dooce, you absolutely rock. :)
196. dyanna said:
When we moved into our house, I immediately put this magnet I bought in the middle of the door that reads, "BE NICE OR LEAVE". My husband didnt think it was very humorous but I insisted. It now sits on the top right corner of the door. I still get solicitors but at least they're nice... and my child is a deep sleeper which also helps.
197. toddlermama said:
I put up my sign during the last Presidential election. My registration as an Independent apparently involved inviting every recognized and cracker-jack political group to knock on my door and beg for my vote, and then the survey crew (PIRG, for Public Interest Research Group) would come too, asking me to sign petitions. The day after the sign went up, an PIRGer rang my bell repeatedly. The poor lost girl looked as though I'd taken a switch to her when I asked her which college she attended -- The College of New Jersey -- and then asked if she had to read to attend school there... followed by "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE IF YOU READ MY F**ING SIGN?" As she backed away from me, she said, "Your sign says No Solicitation. I'm not a solicitor." So now my sign reads "No Soliciting, and PIRG, this means you, too." Can't use the "motherf**kers" that I wanted to put in there because my six year old can read. Feh.
198. MissBehave said:
You crack me up. You say the things I think but never say. I admire you.
199. PaintingChef said:
How embarrassed am I that I know an US Weekly subscription really does cost $60...?
Love the sign. The Jehovah's Witnesses come around our neighborhood frequently and I now tell them quite pleasantly "I'm really busy right now saluting the flag and celebrating my birthday but if you'll come back in about half an hour, I'd love to tell you all about it." (My mom teaches kindergarten and those are two of the classroom activites that the JW's kids' parents wouldn't allow them to participate in...) That usually leaves the door to door people stammering for a response but I think I'm going to go with your sign from now on...is that copyrighted or anything?
200. thleen said:
Great sign, Heather.
When I was in college, my room mate and I made a really nice door mat that read "NO PSYCHOS".
Needless to say, someone stole it. F-cking psycho-kleptos.
201. mandee said:
that sign is f---ing awesome. luckily the town i grew up in had a no soliciting law. every so often we would get some jehovah witnesses or someone that crossed over the city line which was right down the street. it was alaways nice and easy to open the door and say "i'm sorry, but were you aware that theres a no soliciting law here? no? well there is. buh bye now!"
202. Girl About Town said:
OMG, that second sign soooo says it all.
And I laughed so hard when I read it, I nearly woke up my little one, who's sleeping!
So maybe your post should come with a warning sign!! :)
203. eddeaux said:
so funny. man, when I read a post this good it is like eating a piece of chocolate cake off of Heidi Klum's stomach...
thanks for the treat Heather.
204. Mary Wise said:
My mom always invited them in to join her in saying the rosary.
205. Nikki said:
and where can I find a sign like that? Although the evil one in me sometimes likes to challenge the religious solicitors. It can be a great stress reliever.
206. Annejelynn said:
off the current subject here - - I'm curious now... how many pairs of Clogs does Jon own, anyhow?
207. Mary Jo said:
Door to door Mormons scare the fuck out of me! I had a pair come once to the house, and I made the mistake of talking to them. After that they came back twice a week for a 4 weeks! Once they came when I was in the dining room, I saw them pull up, and my mom was upstairs. She's screaming... "Mary Jo, answer the door.", and I'm hiding under the dining room table. They never came back.
When I moved to Indiana they got me coming out of the library. Standing next to my car, and so I told them about my unfortunate encounter in Ohio. They thought it was pretty funny, but I still spent 10 minutes trying to escape them.
Last night I saw them at the mall. Two guys... white shirts, black pants, backpacks, and the book. They were looking around the food court trying to find someone to entrap. When Matt spotted them, he pointed them out to me. We left the food-court immediately.
When I see them walking down the street I make the sign of the cross at them. You know... to ward them off. HAHA Door to door Mormons... scariest thing ever.
208. simzgirl said:
That is f--king priceless! ;)
209. Dave said:
Heather, I'm so totally going to make one of those signs. F--kin hilarious.
210. tbrannies said:
The signs are hilarious. My kid's almost 13, but is it wrong that I have them up anyway? I don't want my nap interrupted.
By the by - I used to sell magazines door to door. It's a total scam. Sorry to any of you that I sold them to - I found out too late.
211. thatlydiagirl said:
This is why the ringer on my doorbell has been disconnected permanently, since Sophia was an infant. A necessity, in my tiny house.
212. KristieD said:
i am glad to know we are not the only family who hangs "sleeping baby - dont knock" signs on our doors. that is the worst when the doorbell goes, and the bell itself is loud enough to wake the dead, but then you have a little psycho dog (which we do) that goes frigging balistic at the same time. Ya- those & sleeping babies dont mix well. It definitely makes you want to blow someone's head off. I like your sign better btw- its the point across so much clearer.
213. Jill Asher said:
Yes, I have done the same exact thing! I got suckered in to one of those 'sweet looking' highschool kids (really college aged) giving me the sob story that they are putting themself through college and trying to make money. My husband couldn't believe my stupidity! Years later, we are still receiving HOME Magazine. I don't think I ever read it.... uggh.
Jill Asher
Co-Founder, Silicon Valley Moms Blog
214. katehopeeden said:
I love, more than anything, that there is a "f---ing" on every. single. line.
The only time I ever had anyone try and sell me something at my door, I was living in a security guard protected building and it wasn't teens, it was a really obese early twenties male and female.
REALLY OBESE.
And they were all sweaty and asked for water.
And I live in Texas, so I had to give them some because I think you can be arrested here for not giving someone water in July.
Anyway, I canceled the check after they left.
:)
~K
215. MissLissa said:
I vote for sign #2. I need a sign like that. Darned scammy magazine salespeople...
216. MissKitty said:
I absolutely hate those magazine subscription hawkers with a fiery passion. I got screwed over once because the guy told me I had a week to cancel and he'd still get his commission. After he'd left I realized I only had 4 days to cancel and he'd written two days ago's date on the subscription form. Ugh. Now we don't answer the door unless we recognize the person standing on the other side.
And I want *your* sign, too.
217. JEM said:
Our tactic: We live on a steep hill. So steep that we get a different mailperson each week since they all hate the delivery route up and down the hill. But, so...fortunately, does everyone else. It seems only the kids at Halloween are willing to brave the steeps and they are the only ones we reward.
218. The Mighty Jimbo said:
personally, i say just rewire the doorbell to give the ringer a shock.
baby gets to sleep, and you can have potentially hours of entertainment.
219. Melissa said:
The second sign - way better.
The first year I was married, I went to Target for 45 minutes and when I came home my husband had purchased a set of encyclopedias from someone who came to the door. Nice.
220. Shari said:
I just love - LOVE - that you used the "couldn't care less" phrase correctly instead of saying "could care less" because that's just annoying. :) Thank you.
P.S. My husband will pretty much buy anything from cute little kids so I had to become the hard ass that says "no". He's schocked at how calous I've become, but after a 45 minute demonstration on a new "clean everything" cleaner a few years back, I had to change my ways. Cheers.
221. jeffy said:
We have a sign sort of like that, and I have to say, the magic word that made it finally work is "unwelcome." Our sign says, "If you are unexpected then you are also UNWELCOME. Please do not ring our bell." We are down from one solicitor per week to one per year. They read that and just walk away!
222. Thérèse said:
You know, I find that second one oddly comforting. I mean, you know where you stand on that one. The first one is almost too subtle.
223. Wonked said:
Last night I was honored to greet one of those guys who jam flyers for bad chinese food in your door. He dropped the whole stack when I greeted him.
Picture tomorrow on wonked.net
224. Mot said:
LOL Those two signs provide a great contrast between the euphemism and what is really being said.
225. unrepentant gallivanter said:
At university I always had those magazine people bugging me. The sign that worked the best was one that said, "No Soliciting unless you are selling WEAPONS or Girl Scout cookies." It worked - no one knocked again until one day two little girl scouts were standing there giggling. (So, of course I had to buy some.)
226. SMKN70 said:
Love your blog, Dooce, but I vote for Jon's sign. Yours is a bit redundant and boorish, sorry.
My favorite memories--when the baby would FINALLY fall asleep (and stay sleeping even when placed into his crib!), I would blissfully get undressed and turn on the shower for the first time in 3 days, and then the tornado siren would blare for testing, ARGH!
227. coffeygirlb said:
Thats F#*cking great Heather, just brilliant !!