On being a total nutjob
A few weeks ago Jon and I gave an interview to an IT magazine for an article about accidental entrepreneurship. They wanted to know how this website now pays our mortgage when I originally started it so that I could make obnoxious fart jokes online. Short answer: I had to give a lot of head.
It was a phone interview, and they recorded it so that they could incorporate it into a podcast (when it's posted I'll link to it here), and I can honestly say that I have never been more uncomfortable giving an interview. One, it was only a couple days after I had discovered that someone I thought was a very cool person was making viciously mean comments about me in a public forum, and every time I answered a question into the phone I could hear in my head how this person would make fun of the way I said things. Two, in order to make sure that they had a clean edit for the podcast, the guy conducting the interview wouldn't say anything for at least 10 seconds after I answered a question, and that disorienting pause made me think that my thrilling discourse had bored him into a coma.
Halfway through the interview I handed the phone over to Jon and pantomimed instructions for him to take over. It was during one of those miserable 10 second pauses, and I held my thumb and forefinger in the shape of a gun to my temple and then dramatically fell to the floor. There are many reasons I write, and at the top of that list is SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO MYSELF TALK. I cannot bear it, cannot remain in the same room if Jon plays a message I have left on his phone because that guttural drawl? IT COULD KILL UNBORN CHILDREN.
Jon rescued me beautifully, answered questions in complex sentence structures, and then afterward assured me that I didn't sound that bad during the call. Something happens to me when people put me on the spot like that, my brain dissolves into a fine goo and then leaks out of my ear like an infection. Everything goes blank, and to fill the silence I start repeating filler words. My favorite is "actually" because it can be used to express a variety of emotions:
"Actually?" equals "That's an interesting question, and even though you phrased it to make it sound like you already know the answer, I'm going to gently let you know you're wrong."
"Actually." equals "Hard to believe, I know."
"ACTUALLY!" equals "While you were asking me that question my two-year-old walked over to the dog and stuck her pinky finger in his left nostril."
"Actually..." equals "I just lost my train of thought. Maybe this will buy me some time."
"ACTUALLY?" equals "What I'm about to say has absolutely nothing to do with what you just asked me."
On sunday morning the IT magazine sent over a freelance photographer to take some photos. He showed up with a trunk full of gear -- light boxes, tripods, reflectors -- and for the first set of shots had all four of us, dooce Mascot Chuck included, sit in a tight group in front of the house. I had a hard time getting Chuck to sit upright because the sunniest spot in the yard was only a few feet away, and he repeatedly fell over on his side and tried to army crawl his way over to it. I tried wrapping my arm around his torso to hold him in a sitting position, but he fell limp around my arm like a fish, his tongue hanging lifelessly out of the side of his mouth. Hi! We're the Armstrongs, and this is our dead dog.
Leta proved to be the bigger challenge because she was too shy to even look in the direction of the camera. I tried to pry her hands from around my neck, but that only increased her resolve to bury her head in my armpit. I looked at the photographer and told him to ask her if she wanted those chocolate candies that melt in the mouth, and when he spoke those magic letters, that first M followed by its twin, Leta whipped her face around with the force of a rotating planet. When she realized that this stranger had arrived bearing such gifts she was willing to do anything, smile, pose, turn a cartwheel, sell her own mother into slave trade. For three rolls of film she had smudges of chocolate around her mouth in the shape of unruly facial hair. Hi! We're the Armstrongs, and this is our son.
He took photos for a good two hours, and even set up a series of shots on our bed, the hub of our family's activity. It's where we spend the majority of our day writing, eating, and smacking each other with pillows, and to shake things up a bit he had both Jon and I lie on our stomachs with our heads toward the foot of the bed. We were supposed to look relaxed and casual, but I felt exactly the opposite, like I was working up the courage to take it up the butt. Terrified. We had to scrap that position, though, because he said he was getting too much of a glimpse at my cleavage, and I said, what cleavage, and he said enough that it wouldn't work for an IT magazine, and I said, enough is more than none, and now, if I can manage it, I will remain in this position for the rest of my life.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Molicious said:
Good luck with that one. No matter what position I'm in it's extremely difficult to get some cleavage. I'm jealous. Even if it's just a little.
2. schadenfreudette said:
thank you for so exquisitely describing exactly what happens to me when i try to speak in public. which is why i write as well...
3. Jenorama said:
I can relate. The current tagline on my blog is based on a comment somebody left on an evaluation of my keynote address recently:
(My last name): "You know... You know... You know..." Irritating.
Asshat.
4. AnitaBonita said:
Heather--
Yeah, pooey on the person saying mean things.
But boy are you inspirational that life just flows and sometimes the worst things turn out to be the best.
Yay for the boobs!!!! (although I wonder if the IT folks would just freak out over the sight of any boobage)
5. jenlovely said:
my favorite fillers are "umm" and "uhh..yeah".
and screw the haters, i think you're wonderful heather. silly accent and all.
6. Valerie said:
I remember when I first heard what my voice sounded like on a tape recorder. I was horrified and desparately wished that people heard the beautiful sing-song voice I heard in my head rather than the stuffy-nosed, head-cold like sound I was projecting.
7. Talon said:
Yeesh...I had to switch to a different browser to get typekey to let me log in...
I usually say that I drop about thirty IQ points when I talk on the phone. Bleah. Much prefer writing.
WOOT CLEAVAGE!!!
8. Nancy said:
I like your left sidebar with your personal links, favorites, etc. . . . but I'm worried about the right sidebar--you have a mortgage to pay and a dog to feed!
9. Beth said:
can't wait for the podcast. I am sure you don't sound that bad.
Post the pics too!
10. apuraja said:
yes cleavage is too much for an IT mag. I'm an IT guy and just seeing the words "I had to give a lot of Head" on this website, makes me quiver! lol.. now there's all kinds of dooce.com video thoughts swirling in my head.
11. slickwilliejr said:
give jon his clogs back!!
something bad will happen to your pink shoes!!!
12. fred said:
enough to bee too mhc for an IT magazine? i dont remember the last time our company's other IT guy (not me) saw some clevage..
Never enough I say.
you lead sunch an intresting life... there should be a DOOCE channel. ALL DOOCE ALL THE TIME.
13. Vaguely Urban said:
That's the kind of analogy they should have on the SAT:
M&Ms are to LETA
As ACKNOWLEDGED CLEAVAGE is to HEATHER.
14. Heather said:
I love your blog, Heather! And as another flatchested Heather, I can completely relate to all of the posts lately about "big" boobies, or the lack thereof!
15. Lisa V said:
Exactly how much head do you have to give? Because my damn car needs an $800 repair, and I am thinking of turning tricks to pay for it, so help me out with the math here. How much head to pay for a new knock sensor?
16. BigA said:
I bet if Jon had been working some man cleavage as well they would have run with it.
17. monkey said:
Very familiar with the brain goo occurrence...same thing happens any time I walk into a store for one particular item, which I managed to not write down. And phone calls are worse because I get distracted and stop listening. Ugh.
18. Ang said:
I hate to hear messages I leave as well. It's not a twang or anything, just the sound of my voice. Makes me cringe. And I always end up saying something dorky!
19. smoness said:
I can't wait to read it! And, Dear GOD, I cannot stand the sound of my own voice either. I'm sure YOU'LL sound just fine, though.
20. William said:
An IT mag can't show cleavage? They could just add another T.
21. solaana said:
For some sad reason, my filler word is "...yeeeeeah..." a la the boss from Office Space. It's disturbing, to say the least. And drawls are awesome. My sister-in-law, from freaking Boston, has acquired one after living in Texas for only a year so far. So they're obviously also contagious. Long live the "y'all:" the safest way to address any group of people yet invented.
And M&Ms = life. Good that Leta's got that part down already.
22. The Mighty Jimbo said:
"working up the courage to take it up the butt"
so the biggest smile i have had all week.
nothing like a little anal sex reference to make for a happy morning.
23. di said:
You're so wonderfully normal! Thanks for sharing your life with us.
24. madge said:
Viciously mean comments suck. But not as badly as not working up enough courage and gettin' it anyway.
Thanks for the laughs. (Now must go find M&Ms...)
25. Dayna Lee said:
Ahhh classic fodder of the blurbodoocery. It's great. I love it!
26. Mlwooten said:
I love this post..
27. rivetergirl said:
At least "actually" can have many meanings. I teach an art appreciation class at the local college here and during my lectures I'm prone to use the work "aaaaannnnd" to fill the gaps and the syllable/sound "muh." Yeah, it's not good. Who in the hell says "muh"? Oh, right, me. But I get to show pictures of boobs and man parts and generally talk about nekkid people so my class is always full.
28. Snickrsnack Katie said:
First off, I am sorry that someone was saying mean, hateful things about you. There are always going to be haters out there. And it never gets easier to deal with. But just know that 99.9 pecent of us think you are awesome.
I really laughed hard at this post - just the thought of Leta sitting there grinning with a chocolate moustache and Chuck squirming around looking for his sunny spot really made me chuckle. Thanks for a pick-me-up to an otherwise lame ass day.
You rock, Heather.
29. Snickrsnack Katie said:
Oh, and forgot to add that I HATE MY OWN VOICE. I guess it is because we hear our own voices through our own thick craniums and we sound way different in our own minds. And then when you have to hear how it really sounds, it is embarrassing. I always think "Good LORD, do I always sound that northern? And is my voice THAT high pitched?" How have I survived this long in the business world with that lame voice?
He who invented the answering machine must be shot.
30. Angela said:
That person that made mean comments about you is just jealous.
Because you are fabulous.
31. Kassi Gilbert said:
too much cleavage for an IT magazine? Have they SEEN the guys who work in IT? Have some mercy, show them the cleavage. :)
32. June said:
I went to a large uni for grad school, and during that time, I worked with many wonderful scientists from Korea. "Actually..." was their number one favorite starter-filler word. I don't know how it got started, but they ALL did it.
Nowadays, whenever I hear anyone frequently beginning sentences that way, I have to smother my fond (inward) grin, lest the person think I am laughing at him/her for no apparent reason.
33. Brad Martin said:
Congrats on the sweater puppetry. Congrats on all your success. Congrats ona wonderful family. Congrats is a really annoying word.
34. Jon Z. said:
I have become so much more comfortable with writing than with speaking that it's a bit unsettling. If I'm away from the computer and someone engages me with a question or topic that requires more than a one-sentence response, I suddenly feel the urge to email them rather than speak.
35. carrie said:
Ohh.. at least you get to have fun with your job and its not working for the "MAN" and living in complete hell daily because your job sucks so hard a donkey couldn't get off!
I am sure you did fine with the phone interview. And its always nice to hear someone whos accent falls into the same "area" as my own. My own boyfriend tells me I'm a hick when I talk .. Tough Love I tell ya
Even if you think its all crazy like .. He told you that your boobs were too big for a picture. That is ALWAYS A POSITIVE ! !
side note.. Jon .. I have the clogs too.. Ohh they are heaven!!
36. the niffer said:
Fuck you're funny.
37. Karen Rani said:
Clearly, that dude wasn't the one asking for your "sexual picture" months back.
"Actually" is one of my overused words too. So much that Troll Baby is constantly saying, "Actuwawee Mommy."
Your post cracked me right up. Congrats on the interview.
Oh and sorry to hear someone was being baggish about you somewhere. That sucks. Some people's kids.
38. dancingnancy said:
"Uni" - thanks June for reminding me of my time studying abroad in Australia! That's "university" or "college" for the Americans.
When I speak in public I don't even HAVE a word to fall back on...I just fumble, mumble, and look around as I wait for the blood to pool in my cheeks, or until the earth mercifully swallows me whole.
The haters are just jealous. Just like the rest of us, they'd KILL to pay off their mortgage while working at home...part time....ugh, I'm going to go slink back to my 8 - 5 office job now.......
39. G Zombie said:
I lauged out loud at your description of Chuck suddenly turning boneless. Thank you.
40. Sandra said:
Meanies stink!
I'd have thought those IT types would have loved a bit of Very Famous Blogger Cleavage.
41. Amy at Fannfare said:
I heard a podcast with you and Kottke and thought you sounded great. Smart, confident. Congratulations on the interview, cleavage or not!
42. Tara Whitney said:
i wish i could photograph you guys. i think we would have fun.
cant wait to hear the podcast.
i just did one myself, and was SO worried about what i sounded like. that when i actually heard myself i was pleasantly surprised that i dont sound like the screechy nasally witch that i hear in my head.
i am sure we will all fall in love with the guttural drawl.
43. Torrie said:
Did you manage to sneak the word "crayon" into the interview?
44. Megan said:
They're all bitches. While everyone says that you should just ignore them it's entirely difficult thing to do. It must be hard putting everything out there and getting pulled apart. Bitches, man.
45. myra said:
My son is completely fanatical about M&Ms. So much so that they can't be used for bribery - as soon as he realizes that they are involved, he must have them immediately. I have many chocolate moustache aftermath photos :)
46. RS said:
This is one of the best posts ever because your discomfort is palpable and humorous.
And when I worked with Indians who had just arrived in the US, they said "actually" constantly...as in, "Actually, Miss R[], give me my airplane ticket or I will blow my bad breath in your face forever."
47. Chantel said:
You got an extra geek in your bedroom and you didn't make any threesome jokes?
I'm sorry, I really live in a gutter.
I'm thinking you could have turned IT magazine into something totally different with a little cleavage but then again sex doesn't sell computers.... wait.
Yes it does.
48. Kristine said:
I do hope you managed to find an A1 bottle and hid it SOMEWHERE in that bed shot.
49. sweetney said:
who's talkin' shit? want me to commence with a beat-down?
because you know i'll do it. just say the word.
(The Word is "asshat.")
50. issa said:
That would make me crazy. I couldn't do it. You are very brave. I too, write so I don't have to talk out load. I despise the sound of my voice on anything. I will not do a real message on my voicemail ever, for fear that I may one day have to listen to it.
And the person who is bashing you needs to get their ass kicked. Don't listen to them. You rock.
51. doctor tongue said:
References to oral sex, cleavage, and anal sex. You're just trying to distract everyone (especially your husband) from the issue at hand:
RETURN THE CLOGS OR THE PINKS SHOES WILL GET IT
Now then. Having said that, I've been in IT for 22 yrs, and there is no such thing as TOO MUCH CLEAVAGE for IT (and I'm an ass man).
52. vinsanity said:
Mmmm.... cleavage.
All cleavage is good.
All of it.
53. Anne Glamore said:
I'm going to get in that position RIGHT NOW and see what happens. I believe in miracles!
54. Heather Anne said:
I can't decide what I'd rather have more: cleavage or M&Ms. Choices, choices.
55. lisa said:
Oh! I can't wait for the podcast.
I can't believe an IT magazine would forgo an opportunity for gratuitious cleavage. What, are those guys getting too much as it is?
56. MomGoneWild said:
I'm with Dr. Tongue. (God, that's a nice sentence.)
Anyhoo....the clogs? Think of the pink shoes, woman! For the love of all pumps....just give him back the clogs!
57. NixMom said:
Aw Heather. I live near Bartlett so I hear your accent all day long and I think it's sweet. You'd be amazed at the things a little southern twang will get you when you're out of your element.
As for the person saying evil things, "Bless her heart", you know what I mean... As my friend says, "Honey, you gotta have the bottom of the barrel so you can have the top."
Welcome to the top Heather.
Valerie
58. Alissa said:
My favorite filler phrase is "You know." I use it when I'm struggling to find the right words, in the hopes that they'll nod and I'll be able to just shut up because, you know ... they know.
And thank you for forcing me to stifle three huge laughs whilst sitting in my cubicle. It's been a shitty day and it felt really good to laugh (quietly).
59. Sandra Heikkinen said:
Next time, do the phone interview while laying in the cleavage position, in front of a mirror. Maybe staring at yourself and thinking, "my boobs are really big!" will distract you from being nervous.
Or maybe it'll just make you talk about your chest. Hmm.
60. anna nic said:
"Actually" is a much better filler word than mine. In those situation, I use "so". As in...
"I chose this color scheme specifically for the clients and they said they really liked it. So..."
The "so" is supposed to be a clue for the other party to say something back so I don't keep talking and completely humiliate myself. I once caught myself doing this every sentence for nearly an hour. Even after I realized what I was doing, I couldn't stop.
I like yours much better. I'm totally switching.
61. Torrie said:
The more I think about it, the more I think that the IT magazine people obviously don't know who their target audience is.
62. anna nic said:
What forum is the bitch posting on? I will kick her ass with WORDS.
63. Tek said:
I bet he didn't tell you about the cleavage until *after* a few shots were taken.
64. GeekDaddy said:
"... and this is our dead dog." ROFL!
Did the subject of Jon's shoes come up? You know, if you really are holding them Clogstage, you should offer up a list of demands.
65. Broad said:
I would kill to have your accent naturally, not like the way I get Madonna syndrome and talk like my Tennessean friends when I'm around them.
66. Billygean.co.uk said:
Good blog, that was really, really well-written. Usually your writing flows well but that one in particular, no bits that reminded me it had an author if you know what I mean.
Billygean (your blog critiquer)
PS. I just passed my english degree, hurrah!
67. myra said:
I don't know what my filler word is. When I have to do any public speaking (which during the school year is basically every day) I get so stressed out that I nearly have an anxiety attack, but once I start talking the words just keep coming... It's rather like an out-of-body experience. I can hear what I'm saying as if it's from someone else - and oddly, I often find myself thinking, 'hey that sounds pretty smart! Where did that come from? ' You'd think I would either get used to this, or try to prepare more to avoid it. You'd think!
68. moose said:
I feel that pain. Every time I hear my voice on the message machine I have to go hide in the closet. It's horrifying. My voice sounds so sexy in my head. Unfortunately, it sounds like Mickey Mouse everywhere else.
P.S. Can you describe in further detail this position that gave you cleavage? I'd like to try it.
69. Muffin said:
It was a really traumatic day for me when I realized that I actually talk like Minnie Mouse on crack. And don't ask me how, but somewhere in my formative years I picked up a 1980's valley girl accent.
I live in the friggin south! Why don't I sound like Scarlet O'hara?
70. karenology said:
Okay, you know you're gonna have to divulge who this person is, so we can all make snarky revenge comments about them for you!
The worst is when someone points out to you your particular public speaking mistakes, right before you have to present. Then you keep making those mistakes because now you're nervous AND also aware of failing horribly. :(
71. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
Terr. i. fy. ing.
Not only attempting to articulate an intelligent answer to a stranger, but having to do it over the PHONE?!
The prospect of a phone interview makes me shudder in fear. Horror.
72. Shana Banana said:
BOOBS! See, your Britney dreams are comming true... some IT geek (besides jon heh ) loves your boobs! He was staring at yur boobs Heather! YAY!!! Anyway.. The haters are itchesbay and can kiss my assbay! or something like that. Congrats on the BOOBS! hahahaha
73. jes said:
My hair is so thick and long that it won't fit under my swim cap any longer. Therefore, it will be cut tonight.
I know that had nothing to do with your entry, but your entry did lead me on a train of thought that arrived at the hair, and I could tell you what that train of thought was, but I might ACTUALLY bore you to tears.
So. There it is. All uncombed and everything.
74. Brad Martin said:
Oh, and you're now linked from my blog. I didn't want to just drop strange traffic on your site from people who find me by google searching "Justin Timberlake eats Mickey Mouse panty hose" without telling you first.
75. Mitch Wagner said:
Wow. I've become blog-famous. Sort of. Anonymously.
76. MissLissa said:
Ugh. I hate the way my voice sounds too. I about freak out if I even have to speak into a microphone. In my warped little mind my voice sounds awesome, so it's like getting slapped in the face with reality when I hear it recorded. Or amplified. Loudly.
Mean people blow. Whoever is saying mean things about you needs to get a life or get something else...
77. iamjenlindsey said:
actually, you mentioned cleavage, giving head, and taking it up the butt all in one post.
and it was actually charming...actually!!
ya'll 'er funny.
78. Pascha said:
I once had to do a telephone interview for a job...a job I really, REALLY wanted at a children's hospital.
I tend to use a filler word after other people talk. When someone finished talking and it seems like they need some sort of response that I'm not ready to give, I stand there nodding, saying, "Right." Then I get a weird, pensive look on my face and hope they just go away.
I didn't get the job from the phone interview.
Also, that cleavage that came from laying on the bed, you can replicate that while sitting up. Put your arms at your side, clasp your hands, put them on your knees, and lean forward the slightest bit, resting your elbows on your thighs. It makes you look like you're paying attention to someone, and it makes boobs look great.
...not that I've practiced it, or anything.
Or, buy a wonderbra that has that gel stuff in it. My husband just about fell off the couch when he saw me wearing one.
79. Pascha said:
Oh, and your accent? That's nothing. When I was 10, I moved to Minnesota from the south (Texas, Arkansas, and Oklahoma). When my accent was making the transition from southern to northern, my own mother could not even understand me most of the time.
Talk about wanting to jab a pencil into your ear...
80. wrensuicide said:
Awww, I'm sure you were fine.
Also, I'm sorry about the drama. That sucks. =(
81. Janet said:
I knew I should not check your website while I have two mouth ulcers (one on each side). I did anyway though. It hurt.
82. Shesh said:
Good piece. Your entries always make me laugh. Don't worry about all the drama.
83. TeenSleuth said:
Off topic, but. The Crocs! Say it isn't so. I think they are very cute.
84. ketty said:
Dude, I would give my left breast to NOT have cleavage. The only time I don't is when I am lying on my back with a board pressed on my chest and no bra on. Jesus should have created us with parts like Mr. Potato head and I could just pop my chest off and hand it over to someone whining about being boobless and then they could carry around what is basically a sack filled with fat strapped to their chest and when they came whining to me at the end of the day that their back felt like it was permanently bent like a paper clip and that their shoulders had a permanent crater in them from the bra straps I could say: SEE! I TOLD YOU BOOBS SUCK!
85. Mrs. Mogul said:
It wasn't an IT mag...they were really Jugs Magazine!
That's fantastic that your mortgage gets paid from this. (sits down to mope)
86. freecave said:
Dearest Heather. Please forgive me if this insults you but I must say, although you don't appear to think so, you have one of the most normal families I have ever seen. And I truly wish that someday I can have a relationship, a family and a dog like that of your own. Thanks for your take of life.
87. jolie said:
several things
1. saw a little kid with light green crocs on today and – don’t hate me! – dj frog clearly needs a pair
2. people, please stop advocating violence against the pink shoes, it’s very upsetting to me and I’m already unstable as is. many thanks.
3. lady, you’re a bigger woman than I. If I were popular enough to have haters I’d direct the superfriends (all 7 of them) in the general direction of the nastiness and let them do my bidding for me. all of which is to say: tell us who’s doing the shit-talking, so we can do some shit-kicking.
88. Shalini said:
the word anyway and whatever drive me nuts.. i love actually a whole lot!
89. Smyra said:
In my theater experience I've had directors make the actors play improv games to help us reduce the amount of "um", "er", "uh" and "actually" in our speech. On particularly tough days, the director would get creative and find ways of punishing us for each slip-up. Like jumping jacks or lashes with a giant leather whip.
Anyway. I can relate to the anxiety. After such training, I flinch to hear myself utter "um" for fear that I will be eternally banished to the fiery depths of Theater Hell in Lincoln, Nebraska.
90. Elle said:
Hi Heather, I sympathize completely. When I'm put on the spot for anything I freeze up too. Most of the time I come off like a blathering idiot so the fact you could speak in coherent sentences means you're miles ahead of me. Also glad to hear your cleavage saved the day. God knows mine has saved me time and again.
The part I'd like to address specifically, however, is the first paragraph, because it seems to me we're having a bit of a "moment". You know those moments where you share a thought a complete stranger has had in approximately the same time frame they've had it, and the resulting realization leaves your skin feeling all funky? Those moments.
I was doing dishes this morning, standing at the sink thinking back over your blog and how much I enjoy it. I marveled and questioned myself "Other than being a fantastic writer (which you are) and a general hoot (no question), I wonder what Heather does to achieve such ginormous traffic? And more importantly, might it be something I'd be able to do too?" Well, you know how that paragraph ends and there we are.
You continue to write well and bring enjoyment to millions while I ponder just how far I'm willing to go to get a few more readers. It's a good bet not *that* far. I wouldn't be averse to letting the IT mag shoot my cleavage, though, as long as they got the twins from their good side.
91. kristyk said:
Maybe, if the person is a friend, they were trying to be funny? You are very open and honest about poking fun at yourself [something I still need to work on!] so perhaps they didn't realize it would be hurtful? On the other hand, maybe they are just mean...
I'll give you the advice my dad gave me every morning before school: Remember who you are.
Don't let external b.s. change who you are.
And I LOVE having the links in the sidebar! It is nice to see the sorts of things that interest you.
92. Shalini said:
Are you going to post about the CLOG WAR? I think you might be drafted into wearing pink clogs if Jon wins the Clog War... would that be so bad?
93. babbling said:
I was in Amsterdam not long after you, and went to Boom Chicago. At one point during the evening, myself and 3 other people were singled out as part of a comedy skit and asked questions facing a blinding camera in a dark room, which was then transmitted to an enormous screen in front of the entire theater. The first man was asked what he loved, and he said Pooh Bear. He was English,,and seemed cuddly himself. They asked me what I hated. I said "I hate being singled out in front of people, in public, on camera, and made to speak". Didn't make for a very funny slant to the skit, but they worked it out. As far as your so called "cool person",,I just had a day dream after reading that. I dreamed you were given another trip for speaking in a forum, only this time to France. You took Leta. While visiting the Louvre you showed Leta the Venus de Milo and Leta was flapping her arms wondering where the lady lost hers at,,,suddenly a fuse blew on the Eiffel tower light display, creating a city wide power outage, plunging the Louvre into complete darkness. Traffic lights go out, traffic jams, ice machines stop working. Wait they don't have ice in France, never mind. As mad chaos erupts around the Armstrong family, you and Jon reach for Leta's hands and as you kneel down in the mass of moving people you call to her. She couldn't possibly know any sweeter, more comforting, reassuring sound in her entire world than the sound of YOUR voice. The way YOU speak. I know this is silly, and I babble, as always. I recall however a similiar situation to my day dream, when you were beside yourself in an airport, and when you felt the VERY worst, what did you hear? that made such a difference in your heart? Your mom. Calling "Heather". Screw the people that don't really matter. The love that Leta will give you? Will make up for 10 million that won't. And she has better hair.
94. bee said:
oh god, i use ALL those filler words. uhhh... so actually, you know? yeah.
95. Wicked H said:
So Jon's rescue efforts aren't worth the return of the clogs? Okay, how about just one and then when he steps up to the plate again the other can be returned.
At least think about it.
96. painterly1 said:
Thank you! This post made my day! You are so f***ing funny!
97. anivyl said:
ahahaha.... flat chested is still some form of chest too you know, at least better than men's. it's still droolworthy, especially on an IT mag!
98. keagansmom said:
who's dissin you? I'll kick their fuckin ASS. And sorry, Jon, but I am totally in the "my man WILL not wear clogs" camp. Clogs are for nurses and lazy people, and are attractive on neither.
99. Charissa said:
I hope whoever is saying bad things about you gets an ingrown toenail. I'd never wish anything truly bad on someone but I'm not above wishing something terribly uncomfortable on them.
:)
100. The Bold Soul said:
You didn't mention which IT mag this was for... don't forget to let us know when it comes out so we can read the article... cleavage or no cleavage!
101. Shelli said:
Um, would'nt cleavage be GOOD for an IT magazine - you know, sell more copies?
I laughed out loud at the description of Chuck not wanting to be photographed.
Thanks for the visual.
It made my day.
Shelli (of Shelli and Narda and Malka)
102. far and away the farthest said:
Well, I have to put in here that clogs are wonderful things in Texas where the grass may contain fireants. As soon as they show up in Utah, you should give Jon back his clogs.
If I ran into anyone badmouthing you Dooce it would not change my opinion of you, but of the speaker.
103. Pascha said:
Keagansmom, I have to disagree with you. While I dislike Jon's clogs, I work in a hospital and wear dansko clogs. Like you said, nurses. Clogs with holes are ugly, but brown or black dansko's are kinda cute, and they're the best possible shoes to wear when you're on your feet for 8-10 hours without the possibility of sitting down.
104. throwingutah said:
Don't forget the fun of breastfeeding cleavage. It's actually better the second time around!
The Armstrong+Dog Fan Club membership outnumbers the badmouther by about a jillion to one. It's jealousy. Pooey on 'em.
105. haley-o said:
Congratulations on all your success. I was introduced (introdooced! heh...) to your site recently, and I really enjoy your writing! You're terrific with the analogies....your metaphors are always so entertaining and creative. Thank you for entertaining me with your writing. Congratulations again! I look forward to seeing the pics and the article.
106. Nat W. said:
How in the world could Leta be shy in front a camera??
107. ieatcrayonz said:
Say the word, and I will crack some knee caps.
108. thrusher said:
I love, love, love this post!
109. Kate G. said:
I gave an interview for a podcast once. It sucked. They were doing construction in the next apartment. I kept hearing that and my dumbass accent (a mix of all the places I've ever lived and picking up my interviewer's Welsh accent) and couldn't make complete sentences. Then I wanted to kill myself thinking about all the stupid stuff I had said. Next time someone asks for an interview, I'll send my sister (a well-spoken, if snotty, TV meteorologist) in my place.
Oh, and if you want cleavage, I'm looking for someone to trade boobs with me. I've got enough to go around and would like to have tiny, perky tits instead.
110. MeLKist said:
I realized I was guilty of "actually" abuse when my 3 year old started answering my questions by saying "actually..." followed by a weighty pause, as though he were preparing to explain a difficult concept to someone with a very low level of intelligence. I can't wait to see what happens when he gets to the ninth grade and tries to tell me about his geometry homework.
As for the cleavage, I don't want for more of it.. I'd just be happy if I didn't feel that (after breastfeeding 2 kids) I needed to tuck my nipples under my belt.
111. TeenSleuth said:
I feel so incredibly self-conscious about the way I speak at work. Ever since the new crop of interns started, I am hyper-aware of the fact that they are only a year or two younger than me and that someone is going to catch on if I say "like" one more time and decide I must have been brought on staff to manage coffeepot operations. The sucky part is, the more I think about how I do it, the more I do it.
Question to others: when is my voice going to start sounding "adult?" Do you remember an age when you heard your voice and thought, "I sound like a grown-up"?
112. Flambo said:
Oh my god, you're just like me! I have to work up the courage to take it up the butt, TOO.
Crazy!
113. mandee said:
HAHA oh man, what a good article. anything that includes the phrase "take it up the butt" deserves a medal. with my sinus infection i'm sitting here laughing trying not to choke on my own snot. brilliant.
114. kim from germany said:
heather, i LOVE the way you speak. seriously! and i can't wait for the podcast. i'm sure you were great :)
115. Les said:
Can't wait to hear the podcast, another top bit of writing Heather.
My Blog at www.blog.lessharma.com
116. Andreas Berg said:
The worst thing about giving interviews is that you never know if what they write is what you said or meant. Last time a paper quote sentences I am sure I never said. But it had a similar meaning so it was ok.
117. Cindi in Illinois said:
I work with a lady who constantly uses the sentence, "you know what I'm saying?" as filler in her conversations. She will say it at the end of each comment she makes. In a five minute conversation, she may say that at least ten times! It drives me crazy. One time I couldn't resist and after she said that for the gazillionth time, I said "Yes, I know what you are saying" but I don't think she even realizes that she is saying that....you know what I'm saying?! lol
Re. the meanie who said something rude about you in a "public forum" they are just jealous and insecure. I hope this person isn't someone you had considered a friend. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I love reading your blog and I think you are such a cool person.
118. Pioneer Woman said:
Mine is "sort of". My friend just interviewed my for a local radio show.
Things like, "Blogging is a way to...sort of...make your opinions known in a public forum without having to answer to any...sort of...establishment..."
"My blog is...sort of...about nothing in partcular."
It's a tic. Yuck. I want to hurl all over my shoes when I hear myself speak.
Blech.
119. signot said:
I think you'd better post about the clogs again The natives are getting upset...they need resolution!! I've never posted but I read your site every day (and get quite upset and go into an ugly dooce withdrawl when you go a few days without posting). I'm at home with a 1 month old so I really have no life ;)
120. thejoyof said:
I was going to go back to bed this morning but your blog brought some much needed laughs - thanks as always!
P.S. If we always worried what the bad people think of us we would never be ourselves. Annoy the bad people - continue to be yourself!
121. WhimsyChick said:
Imagine the joy of having an annoying voice that CARRIES. At my sister's recent wedding, a relative found me from across the banquet hall by my "unique voice."
Consequently...
"Hi! We're the Armstrongs, and this is our dead dog."
"Hi! We're the Armstrongs, and this is our son."
send my loud annoying voice laughing and waking the children.
122. iamchanelle said:
Actually...
i think you rock.
123. marian said:
Hard to imagine anyone saying mean things about you. One thing I marvel at is how you seem to exude kindness, even when you're being snarky. And I for one find your accent charming.
124. slickwilliejr said:
for the safety of your beloved pink shoes....i would advise returning the clogs immediately.
general slick willie jr
clog army
125. Sunni said:
My shrink told me that any form of aggression is an act of insecurity.
Translation: the person posting mean comments is actually insecure and totally jealous of your bodacious bod, your actual talent of turning mundane life moments into works of literary art as well as your oh so cute family.
126. Muffin said:
My husband uses filler when he's telling me stories, and if he is repeating what someone said to him he'll always say "He was like..." and when he is really into the story he'll repeat it. And if he's REALLY into the story he'll repeat it more than once. And then he tacks "You know" onto the end of most sentences. I don't know what mine are...it used to be "like" but I had an English teacher who beat it out of me by asking, "Is it something or is it like something?" That was so annoying I quit so he'd stop saying that.
127. DivineDiva said:
Girl!! You totally rock! Thanks for bringing me tales from the Utah front! I am a mom of 6..and I run a daycare ..and I am stuck in B.F.E. ,Montana . You completely get me thru the day !I had a choice it's either you or the vodka, It's all you !!
128. MichelleM said:
I used to get paid actual money to talk on the radio and that fact never ceased to amaze me. I don't think anyone is pleased with the way their voice sounds do them when they have to listen to it played back.
But, Heather, I have to tell you that your voice is lovely and I adore that little twang. Actually.
129. Methanie said:
What? Someone is dissing you in public? I will so kick. their. ass. And I'm not normally prone to violence.
I am sure that you sounded great. I, for one, am looking forward to the podcast.
130. brandy said:
Gosh I wear bras that make me look like I have less boob, although for special occasions I hoist 'em up, there are secrets though that can give anyone cleavage.
1- bronzer, the kind without glitter can create a shadow that makes cleavage appear, this is more of a night time thing as day time its like "oh your boobs are dirty"
2- buy a really good pushup bra in a cup size smaller than your own.
3-those cutlet looking things, they work wonders, and are fun to play with.
Boobs are over rated. When I wear the flattening bras everyone thinks Ive lost weight AND you have to move big boobs around to sleep right.
OH and I like your accent! My parents still have me on their voice mail message from 10 years ago, I hold the phone away from my ear when I get it.
131. Dani said:
Heather, You need to read the Ysrn Harlot's account of speaking to Martha Stewart on live radio. She too immediately starts swearing and gibbering uncontrollably when it really counts.
http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/archives/2006/04/19/taxi_blogging.html
132. fefa said:
As a chick in IT with a handful, well two actually, it was for your own safety that no cleavage be visible. Trust me.
Plus, they probably want people to read their mag or something, not wipe things down with it.
133. Sophie said:
Ah... you are a breath of fresh air. I can always count on you to give me a giggle.
I am curious though, do you ever actually (there is that famous, can-be-used-for-anything-word) get to read all the comments? They should be proof enough that, the one asshat being malicious, is just a dork.
Again? Thank ye muchly for the smiles!
134. Meredith Seiverd said:
I prefer "DE FACTO" to "ACTUALLY" any day. Try it... it throws people off guard.
135. Madame M. said:
Intrigued about backstabber. Hoping you share some more.
As for those lovely fillers, I prefer the über-pathetic, "Like." It's humble; it's short; it makes me feel young.
It's like a wad of bubblegum for the brain.
136. RDZ said:
I broke my brain earlier today, but I remember one of my Linguistics courses (maybe Language and Gender) talking about WHY people use "He was like..." etc in conversation. Apparently, women tend to use it more and, believe it or not, for a very specific reason.
Instead of saying "Well, he said blahblahblah" some people use "He was like blahblahblah" to mean that he said something more or less resembling "blahblahblah" but not necessarily exactly those words. I suppose it could be an example of using imprecise language to cover one's ass.
All this is a complicated way to say that it's a form of paraphrasing. I say it like, constantly, and people are always all, "aren't you educated?" and I'm like "shut up, asshole."
Language is fun! And language Heather-style is extra fun! Bring on the podcast!
137. kaymaria said:
Though there are some that find my "deeper" voice sexy, I hate it because it's so deep. Didn't help when I was at a 6-year old girl birthday party and the brattiest little girl attending commented, "You have a man voice." Bitch.
138. stephanie said:
it's so easy to ignore all the trolls and all the strangers and all the just plain crazy ignorant people...and yet, even if it wasn't a real life relationship, it's impossible to ignore that interent person you thought you were "friends" with or at least cool with. and it does hurt. sorry about that. [clearly, she doesn't know what she's missing!]
and, i HATE the telephone. i commend you for even doing the interview in the first place. it's fucked up how strange your voice actually sounds compared to how YOU think it sounds inside your head. if there's a god this is surely a joke he likes to play, alot. i also become a silent idiot when spoken to on the spot, it's terrible and source of certain anxiety. once i really screwed over a friend and she kept approaching me in public and interrogating me or just plain acting like a nutcase. and i would just stand there and stare at her, which would only infuriate her more. but i really couldn't think of anything to say, until later when i wrote about it in my online journal.
139. Amie said:
I had to laugh when I read your account of the bed shoot - I'm the same way when it comes to photos, especially when a "professional" is involved. I turn into rigid-faced squinty girl. This is why I actually have a tidbit of respect for models - it turns out it ain't all that easy to be natural in front of the camera.