Suburban landscape
Wednesday, June 7 2006
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Jon and I bought our house from a middle-aged single man who worked as a flight attendant for a major airline. He only spent two weeks a month in the house, so he left very little impact on anything. The hardwood floors were in perfect shape, and all the original molding had been preserved, but he decorated everything as if he were paying homage to the color of stomach bile. When I saw the color of the walls for the first time I was immediately reminded of the time in fourth grade when I threw up a ham sandwich on the school bus and the driver had to pour large flakes of saw dust on the puddle so it wouldn't slosh around when she took a hard right.
The rumor was that the previous owner was a lonely gay man, and he didn't get along with anyone on the block. He used to call Animal Control on the next-door neighbors any time he saw their cat in his yard, and once left a threatening voicemail that he was going to sue them from the emotional distress he had suffered at the hand of their cat's poop. Another neighbor told us he used to party when he was in town and that we could probably attribute the towel in our sewer line to one of those raucous nights, because "who knows what happens when those crazy gays start drinking vodka." I'll tell you what happens! BEHAVIOR THAT DISRESPECTS THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE. Because crazy gay drunks? SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT THAN CRAZY STRAIGHT DRUNKS.
The yard was also very tidy, the grass green and cut as close as a military haircut, but he had lined the flower beds with giant concrete slabs that looked exactly like parking dividers. During our first summer in the house we tried to beautify the lawn, and the first thing we did was haul those slabs to the dump. But that was the extent of our collective gardening experience -- taking things apart -- and when we tried to plant a variety of bushes and flowers I accidentally destroyed most of the work the previous owner had done. While digging through the soil I kept finding walnuts buried several inches down, and after chucking a handful into the street I asked Jon, "Why would someone bury walnuts?" He hadn't been paying attention, and once he turned around and saw me throwing things into the street he dropped his shovel and ran over to interrupt my pitching practice. Turns out those walnuts? They were tulip bulbs. Imported from Holland. Was one of those instances when Jon could feel confident that he had totally married up.
A couple years ago a new set of neighbors moved in next door, the taxidermist and his wife, they who once used a stuffed yak as a decorative gargoyle. As a gesture of hospitality the taxidermist offered to bring us a truck full of rocks he had found near his Death Shop in the mountains, and we used those rocks to decorate the uneven line between our two properties. On his side of the line he planted an assortment of plastic flowers, many of them very life-like, and two petrified tree stumps he had found on the side of the freeway. Within a couple months weeds had grown up through his artistic landscape and were thick enough to hide an advancing army and tall enough to shade the second story of their house.
A few weeks ago after learning that the taxidermist was moving out of state we hired a small landscaping company to rip out the line of rocks along the property line. The man in charge suggested we plant sod between the houses so that instead of two disparate plots of uneven soil we could have one rolling lawn, but that in order to do so we'd have to get the neighbor's permission. So I cornered the taxidermist's wife one afternoon because once, while we were making small talk on the sidewalk, she looked at her yard and then back at me while rolling her eyes as if to say SHHH, DON'T TELL ANYONE, BUT I HAVE PLASTIC FLOWERS IN MY YARD. She said that she wouldn't mind, but since they had just got an offer on the house she didn't know if she could give the go ahead. "What if the new owners really want the tree stumps?" she said laughing.
"You've got a point," I said. "If I were paying that kind of money for a home I'd want the weeds thrown in, too."
Within a couple days the landscaping company was ripping apart our lawn, digging up yards of ground cover I had planted incorrectly. One person was in charge of hauling out all the rocks, and while he was lifting up one of the tree stumps he stepped on a giant tarantula. Taran. Tula. While crushing it with his shovel another one crawled out from under a mass of weeds followed by two smaller tarantulas, perhaps its tarantula babies. We were destroying their lovely tarantula home where they had rested their wee tarantula heads.
Jon didn't tell me about this until the day after it happened, which was incredibly smart on his part. If I had known about the tarantulas while the tarantulas were happening I would have gotten in the car and driven off the edge of the Earth. My guess is that the rocks the taxidermist brought down from the hills were carrying tarantula eggs, which is a little frightening because there are four other places in his yard where he deposited rocks from that same batch. And they are still there flanked by a decorative flourish of plastic hydrangeas.
1. anna nic said:
take them in the cover of night and deposit them in the yard of your least favorite neighbor. immediately.
2. Cyberdave said:
OMG TARANTULAS!!! RIGHT IN SLC! AND I LIVE THERE TOO (new transplant)! OMG! I would've gotten in the car with you and driven off the ends of the earth! AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
3. namedphoenix said:
Holy crap. I think that being in California is too close to the tranatulas in your yard. You are going to get those other rocks removed, right? I thought trantulas only existed in like, other places. Apparently, they are supposed to be really smart and inquisitive creatures. I've never stayed around one long enough to ask them their thoughts on the world.
My kindergarden teacher had a tank of tarantulas in the classroom. We were sitting and having reading circle one day when one of the mean boys had deftly removed one and put it on my head. I don't know how my grandparents got be me to go back to school, ever.
4. Pioneer Woman said:
I once threw up chicken noodle soup on the school office phone while calling my mom to tell her I was sick. They had to get a new phone.
Plastic hydrangeas? That's so wrong. Don't tell me things like that.
5. cathbuzz said:
I hate to tell you, namedphoenix, but I live in California (even NORTHERN CALIFORNIA) and I see tarantulas in my yard every summer. I even look forward to it. Actually, it's tarantula season right now. I live just 2.5 hours from SF. It would take a tarantula a couple of weeks to walk there I'm guessing.
6. monkeyaker said:
I recently moved to the northwest and have discovered a family of "banana slugs" under the last step of my deck. They seriously look like giant ripe slimy bananas. Who knows how many times I've stomped on those things before discovering they were small shiny mammals.
At least they won't bite my face off. You know, like tarantula's do.
7. Torrie said:
This one's for you Heather:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/torrie/158032384/
8. AndreaBT said:
Tarantulas?
I think I would have become hysterical. Big hairy spiders crawling around in the yard...shudder.
9. JC said:
mmmmmmmmmmm....spider babies. tarantulas aren't that bad. it's the brown recluse you gotta watch out for.
10. salmonday said:
Was this connected to the forced remodeling of the drain line, or just something that you did seperately once you realized how cool romping big machines on your lawn could be?
P.S. Have you apologized to Jon yet about the whole crayon thing?
11. John said:
I cannot stop laughing over the concept that us gay people get together and drink vodka in order to sully the sanctity of marriage. I think that's the funniest line you've ever written.
But seriously...stop leaking the gay agenda. It's bad for publicity.
12. crzylady said:
large versions of one of my least favourite things in the world. Next to your house. Your dog. Your baby. I'm feeling very vomitous. Thank goodness they loved the plasticity so much they never traveled far... how did they miss having those THINGS living in their yard? Maybe he DID know and that's why he never did anything to the weeds.
13. cailey said:
i'm proud of you heather. i might not have been able to go outside of the house for a week after finding out tarantulas were there at all. i definitely would not be able to walk barefoot. and you are getting rid of those other rocks, right? you really would hate having a tarantula rip your face off. eewww...
14. christa said:
Are tarantulas native to Utah or was it some escaped pet colony? If they are native, that is definitely one more reason not to move to Utah.
15. susan @ yow said:
Death Shop in the mountains. HAHAHA! You cracked me up with this post.
16. Nicol said:
ICK! I worked at hotel and we had a big-ass tarantula on the ground floor near an exit where many people passed by. I was screaming like a little girl! I live in Texas.....ICK!
17. Lily said:
"If I had known about the tarantulas while the tarantulas were happening I would have gotten in the car and driven off the edge of the Earth."
Yes. Exactly. I don't care how nice, or harmless or whatever they are. Nothing that looks like that can be harmless. Seriously. Just ask my heart rate as I think about them in any sort of close proximity. BAH!
18. GeekDaddy said:
Wow! Here I thought Vincent Price died years ago. And now I find out that all this time he was living in Utah. Who knew!
19. MississippiAnna said:
Spiders: They are just as afraid of you as you are of them.
So I say to myself.
Sometimes it works.
20. Naomi said:
Wow. Several reasons:
1. The anomaly that is the gay population in Utah (apparently). It's almost like he was an urban legend in the neighborhood
2. TARANTULAS! Scary.
3. Plastic flowers planted in the taxidermist's yard. That dude does NOT like living things, does he.
4. TARANTULAS!
5. TARANTULAS! I would so be in the car driving off the edge of the Earth. At breakneck speed.
Incredible post. Your writing style keeps me from drooling in my sleep at work.
21. Amie Smith said:
No wonder Leta screamed and tried to tear her face off when she saw you walk outside WITHOUT SHOES.
22. Whatever said:
What does it say about me that I'd be more likely to get down on my hands and knees (from a respectful distance, anyway) and examine the eight-legged freaks?
Tarantulas where I don't expect them = Bad Idea
Tarantulas where I'm expecting them = Kinda' cool
Then again, I wasn't terribly fond of Zorkon, the tarantula my brothers caught and placed in a glass mayo jar on a shelf in the entryway... Having him view me through the bottom of the jar whenever I entered or exited the house was kind of creepy - like he was plotting to take over the world from his little cell.
23. lawyerish said:
The mere *thought* of tarantulas (and tarantula BABIES - dear God!) is making me want to jump out the window of my office here in Manhattan. Mrphheeellllaaaaaaaggg. Yes, that is the strangled, horrified sound I would make if I ever came within the vicinity of a tarantula. Then I would kill myself.
Of course, I'm not much for creepy-crawlies. When I was eight, I went to Girl Scout camp (in rural Georgia), and on the first day they warned us to shake out our shoes every morning to make sure there weren't scorpions lurking in them. SCORPIONS, people! My solution was to not take my socks and shoes off. For the duration of camp - a week. When my parents came to pick me up, it took a pair of pliers to get my mud-caked, trench-footy socks off. And, really? Kind of sensible. I might do the same thing today.
24. rivetergirl said:
Yes, the yard obligation. We had the worst front yard on the block until my husband almost died while putting in a sprinkler system, sod and landscaping. Now we have a nice front yard. Our back yard is still nothing but a dog toilet. But since we're true white trashies at heart, we spend all our time hanging out in the front yard.
Hey, we're be in your neck of the woods next month when Social Distorition and the Supersuckers play In the Venue. Woot!
25. thejoyof said:
There are only two things that send shivers down my spine:
Tarantulas and snakes.
I still remember with horror the Brady Bunch episode where I believe they were in Hawaii and came across a 'deadly' tarantula. I think Jan was involved...
I digress...
I am now going to Google if tarantulas are common in Ontario, Canada. Hope not.
26. Vaguely Urban said:
Call me a fag hag, but if my neighbor's cat poop had hands, I'd be emotionally distressed, too.
27. Mack'sMom said:
I didn't know tarantulas could live this far north! Isn't it a bit cold in the winter for them? I don't know anything about them other than I would ride shotgun right off the edge with you!
28. Cauri said:
I just got very itchy.
29. April said:
Dear. God. Is it on me? I feel like they're crawling on me...
**shudders**
30. JustLinda said:
If the tarantulas eat the mosquitos, bring 'em on. I'll just stay inside where it's safe and cool. Maybe the snakes will eat the tarantuals. I'm not all that clear on the food chain after that point, but when it gets up to the COW, well, then I jump in at that point. Because I like a nice Porterhouse myself.
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider, that wiggled and jiggled and giggled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. Perhaps she'll die. (you simply HAVE to teach that song to Leta... if a parent doesn't scare her kid to death about swallowing a fly (or an apple seed or piece of bubble gum or whatever) then WHO will do it, I ask you???)
31. Steph And The City said:
Spiders, taxadermists - it's like you're living next door to a horror movie! Be careful!
32. Tiggerlane said:
Random thoughts:
Why oh WHY did you make me think again of the infamous sawdust-vomit-cover? It brought back olfactory sensations that are making me retch at the workplace.
In Texas, my gay friends taught me the pleasures of drinking vodka over ice. Blessed are they that extol the virtues of vodka!
And don't be surprised if the new buyers of your neighbor's home get all crazy and kill their deal over the missing stumps. I have worked in real estate for over 14 years, and you wouldn't BELIEVE what people want. If a bush dies in front of the house? The buyer can walk away the day before closing. If the stumps are buried (or otherwise attached), they should convey with the property. However, if you end up with neighbors who WANT stumps, then you might stay with the taxidermist and his wife.
33. Visible Wear said:
Tarantulas, huh? At least they'd take care of those pesky birds...
34. atpanda said:
While kinda creepy, at least they're not supposed to be too dangerous. You could keep one as a pet and carry it around. ;-)
We've got scorpions down here in Arizona. I'd MUCH rather step on a tarantula.
35. Beachgal said:
Oh dear lord, I could not have handled that at all. I despise spiders. I stomp on however many I can in the backyard. But I couldn't stomp on a spider as big as my foot! I've got the heebie jeebies! Eww eww eww. Oh man. I hate spiders.
36. kim from germany said:
tarantulas as in = big, hairy spiders that can bite and kill you if they get really hungry? that would SO freak me out. i can't believe you can sleep knowing they are OUT THERE! need.to.breathe.
37. Christinathemom said:
We had a smelly nasty rotten California Endangered species variety tarantula cruising my livingroom floor. I only saw it because the Cat was following the dang thing very closely. It was raised up on all of its furry legs RUNNING across the room. I screamed ran out the front door (via the sofa and love seat) and gave the neighbors a good show as I screamed yelled and cried about the 'F*CKING TARANTULA IN MY LIVING ROOM'
The son wanted to keep it the husband couldn't seem to kill it.. Im screaming all the while smash it, just smash the damn thing!
finally my husband used a whole can of raid on it. Every time it twitched it's little body it got another squirt.
It wasn't until about 5 months later while at the museum seeing a case with another live one in it, mentioning to my daughter.. oh that's just like the one in our house baby.. the museum person says, oh their endangered. On the verge of being extinct even. I looked her right in the eye and said
"especially when they come in my house."
gentle hugs from one who has been there done that.. and killed the Mother F*cker!
38. katehopeeden said:
My daughter, Triniti, has zero issues with bugs. And I live in Texas which is officially The Bug Capital Of The World. Anyway, when she sees a spider, regardless of size, she walks over and steps on it. When she is satisfied that she has killed it, she takes a step back and says, "Good job, Triny, GOOD JOB!" and walks off.
I love her.
~K
39. Carolynne said:
Just reading this gave me the heeby-jeebies! I'm suddenly very glad I live in the mid-west, where tarantulas exist only in science classrooms.
40. liisemignon said:
Keep Chuck fah fah away from those nefarious rocks my dear.
Scorpions...I am a Scottsdale native and have only seen Scorpions in the actual desert areas...they are spooky. But since that movie, with John Goodman, came out Spiders freak me out way more. And sharks.
Ok
41. AnitaBonita said:
Holy Freaking COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just the thought of that makes me want to scratch my arms until I leave red marks.
42. ChickNurse said:
Oh fuck, I would have died!! Maybe not died, but I would have at least moved far away, to the igloos.
When I was visiting my Aunt in Belize, I had to sleep on the floor. I found out the next day that there was a tarantula nest under the house and they were all coming out do to the drought like conditions. There was some out on the front porch in the morning. Needless to say, I will never visit her again. It might have been nice and hot, but I'd rather live here where we have snow 6 months of the year.
43. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I love your article on the Dog Whisperer and your trials and tribulations with Chuck. I adopted a dog from the humane society about two months ago and it has been a real journey. If I hadn't gotten an in-home dog trainer/behaviorist, I think I may have gone out of my mind. And with the added assistance of Cesar Milan's book, I have truly begun to understand the nature and energy of my dog. I have yet to watch an episode of The Dog Whisperer, since I don't have the National Geographic Channel, but I feel like I already am on the same level as Cesar Milan. Of course, I don't think I could silence a dog with a swift karate chop or a glare like he does. But I am getting there with my dog Duchess.
Great article, Heather! I am always glad to hear others' stories of problematic pets. But aren't those pets always the best? :-)
44. Jonniker said:
I had no idea tarantulas were indiginous to anywhere remotely near Utah. Or even in this country. And I kind of wish I still thought that, because now I'm going to be afraid of tarantulas in my yard, even though I live far, far across the country, in the deep, deep southeast.
45. di said:
Tarantulas?!?!
Just know that a lot of us would be in the car with you, driving off the edge of the earth Thelma and Louise style.
46. Wicked H said:
HOLY CRAP!!!! I would have been in a vehicle with you on the way to the edge.
47. Pupsicle said:
Yuck. What on earth posesses people to take plastic flowers and plant them in their yards as though they were real? Laziness? My neighbors do it, too, and I just don't understand that sort of compunction. It has always seemed as though they think I'm so unobservant that I'd mistake them for real plants.
48. Michykeen said:
You know, it's indoor season for spiders in the Northeast. And as I cleaned up my filthy apartment this weekend, I kept coming across them - in the shower, other areas of the bathroom, the kitchen while I was trying to fix a gin and tonic. Now, I'm not a girly-girl about spiders, but I found myself yelling "No!" as I squashed them with wads of paper towels, like they teach you to do to would-be rapists and muggers and wily dogs. But a tarantula? I'd probably just move.
49. JennJenn said:
Tarantulas are the spawn of satan...
Potatoe bugs ARE satan!
Both die under the wheels of my car because I need a strong sheet of solid metal between me and those little fuckers.
http://www.whatsthatbug.com
50. Mack'sMom said:
I can smell the bubble gum scented saw dust right now...not to mention the pungent smell of whats underneath it! ugh.
51. 6degrees said:
Ahhh, the beloved plastic plants. We have a few Yahoos in our neighborhood who did the same... uh, we live in Minnesota... where there is snow... Not. Convincing.
52. Jacey said:
I hear north American tarantulas can't kill you. Perhaps a child, but not an adult. A friend of mine was once bitten by her pet tarantula and her arm swelled up and she lost all feeling of it for a while. But after some hours, she got the feeling back and the swelling went down a bit. It was just sore for a couple of weeks.
A rattlesnake got a hold on my ankle seven years ago. I had to make a trip to the hospital for that. The snake was killed and we kept the rattler as a souvenir.
We don't have much in south Texas but spiders, snakes, and tumbleweeds.
53. MelanieinOrygun said:
I won't even try to transcribe the noises I made while reading this... just know that shrieking, moaning, and whimpering were involved.
I... HATE... spiders. And big ones? With intellect? Aw, Hayull naw.
54. TigerLambGirl said:
Hey. My husband went into the garden two nights ago - to his nightly ritual of turning off the perimeter lights that surround the garden and pool area. As he went up the steps (we're on a mountain side in the Middle East) to the front gate he heard a hiss.
Uh. It was a viper. A baby - but a viper no less. And he was wearing no shoes and only a wizzar (kinda like a towel) round his manly bits. Luckily he had a shovel with him and he quickly smacked the hell outta the snake.
We scooped it up - poured some vinegar over it and gave to the Survival guy (air force survival trainer) at work.
But that's not why I was posting. It's just I'm still reeling over that nasty creature.
Anyway, you oughta see the spiders we get here. One is called the Camel Spider (google it - it's a nasty, vicious little creature). When we go camping - we have to be careful to check the tents before we zip up for the night. Camel Spiders have a nasty habit of injecting a substance into the skin that numbs it. Then they proceed to eat a huge portion of flesh.
Nasty. Nasty. Nasty bites they are.
Thank God you only have tarentulas round yer parts thar, Heather. They're pretty harmless compared to the critters we get round here. (Since we moved into this house 6 mos ago - we've 'come across' - gulp - 4 scorpions. Not the innocuous black ones -- the little poisonous bastards).
I flucking hate spiders. And snakes. Especially poisonous and/or flesh eating ones.
Having said that, I'm probably truly more terrified of cockroaches. Hate those bastards with a passion so - that I turn into a complete hysterical raving lunatic until someone kills the motherflucker.
Brrr.r...now I'm gonna dream about this shit tonight.
Thanks a lot.
55. Z said:
Oh my. I have goosebumps and kinda taste vomit in my mouth. My husband and I both freak out around creepy-crawlies and your story is the stuff of our nightmares.
56. ryansmom said:
When my husband and I were moving from SF to Alabama last summer (he is in the military) We stayed in a town called Battle Mountain, Nevada. The entire town was blanketed with mormom crickets. I shit you not! Now tarantulas I can handle, but mormon crickets? Those fuckers can jump!
57. William said:
IS the name of your taxidermist neighbor Gomez Addams? With the whole taxidermist thing, plastic flowers and tarantula's it must be.
58. JessicaRabbit said:
Ok, freaking out on the spiders. Those other rocks have SO got to go, before you have a trantula army lined up outside the houses trying to eat your pets and come inside for the winter and nap in your nice warm shoes.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
59. Candice said:
Ugh. Last summer, my bug guy found a a little covenant community (They had to keep their webs under two inches and they had a pool) of Brown Recluse spiders in my attic. He sprayed them, told me they would be a non-issue within a few days, and collected his money. Wellllll, those little buggers were smart. They were not dumb enough to stay in the infected area. No no, they would not be destroyed. They packed up of their belongings and moved downstairs. To my living space. I started finding them everywhere. Like, Ev.ry.where. It was so scary. The bug guy came out right away tried to kill them again. They did actually die that time, thank the Lord God Almighty.
*Shudders Violently*
60. Jessica said:
Tarantulas are completely harmless though. I hope they weren't harmed. They're so cute and fuzzy.
On a different note, did you know that crabs are just spiders of the sea? Now you'll be thinking about that next time your chowing down on one.
61. JT said:
YIKES! I don't know which is more terrifying -- the plastic flowers or the tarantulas. Okay, yes I do. Run away! Run away!
Do they sell Tarantula spray, like bug spray? I can't even deal with your basic little house spider. The big hairy muthas would kill me.
62. Mack'sMom said:
Yes when you see tulips in February in Minnesota there's something wrong there. There's a house in Shakopee (MN) that has plastic tulips along side a busy road...all year long. How does that look appealing? I should go buy some damn flowers and leave them at their footstep...
63. Jennifer said:
Alright, first, if the taxidermist really has petrified tree stumps in his yard then he should thank his lucky stars. And if he doesn't want them, please ask him to send them to my husband who would treasure them to the ends of the earth.
Now let me take a moment to say eww, Eww, EWWWW!!!! Spiders make my skin crawl.
Your neighbor may have a plastic flower garden, but one of my neighbors has an entire plastic flower, bush and animal managerie prominently placed so that it bisects a large swath of yard between his house and the next neighbor over. It's hideous and yet doesn't quite rival the yard at the end of my block that, until recently, was a quaint combination of dust and waist high weeds.
64. bookworm said:
My husband tells a story from before we met: He was out hunting one September, and it was 110 degrees out. They got done with the morning hunt and when they got back to camp, they found "hundreds" of tarantulas in the campsite, everywhere there was any shade - by the tent, water jugs, vehicles. Everywhere.
He told me that story after he took me camping in the same area. We haven't been back!
65. TigerLambGirl said:
Tiggerlane:
You GOTTA try Vodka over ice WITH caviar on Carr's Table Water Crackers topped off with a small dollop of creme fraiche (sour cream). Not in that order. First the heavenly caviar chased by the ice cold vodka shot. It's a truly orgasmic combination.
(I previously thought I hated caviar until I tried this one New Year's Eve....at a beach party with loads of friends....one of whom had a friend who'd flown in from Russia with the caviar.....ah memories....)
66. Smacky said:
My mouth dropped when you mentioned the tarantulas. >__< Oy, that's horrid. Who cleaned up the splattered one?
67. txmommy said:
Ew, ew, ew!
I am seriously arachnaphobic these days and I can't explain it, because I didn't used to be. I realized it recently, after discovering a black widow outside of my son's bedroom window.
So even if I hadn't known about the tarantula THAT DAY, I probably would still have wanted to drive off the edge of the world. Even reading about this is making my skin crawl!
And, Lawyerish, I grew up in Marietta, GA. And I remember that when I was a kid and I read somewhere that scorpions sometimes hide in shoes....well! I was so completely freaked by that one, that it was WEEKS before I stopped checking my shoes before I put them on. And by "checking" I of course mean, "taking them outside to throw them as hard as I could against the driveway and then beating them with sticks besides."
But tarantulas! Holy fucking shit. Just ew.
68. Angela said:
Thanks for dishing out the creepy crawlies to the entire Internet. I hope you feel proud of yourself.
*shudder*
Oh those gays, they sure know how to party.
69. Mack'sMom said:
Tiger Lamb Girl...the Camel Spider is WAY too much for me! Holy Crap! People!! Go to Camelspiders.net and look at the suckers! They'll eat your dog!
My favorite is the photo of the bite...
http://www.camelspiders.net/camel-spider-bite.htm
70. Kelly said:
A HA HA HA... wee tarantula heads... edge of the Earth... you make me giggle.
71. wendy said:
As someone who runs shrieking from the shower after encountering little bits of black sock fuzz, tarantulas would have made me just drop dead right there. At least plastic flowers would be just lovely on my grave.
72. 6degrees said:
Really? In Shakopee, Mack'sMom? I would think that real plants there would be affordable, no matter the cost... Hmmm... I'm curious which busy road you are talking about...
73. Karen Rani said:
Ugh. Congratulations on giving us all a raging case of the Heebie Jeebies.
74. ryansmom said:
HOLY SHIT- MacksMom- those spiders are nasty! I literally got the chills when I uploaded that site. Now that thing is the devil.
75. 6degrees said:
Maybe a plastic dog with plastic pee would be appropriate to appear in the middle of the night...
76. Meg said:
Dear God, there are tarantulas in Utah? What next? Scorpions in Nebraska? Well, I suppose they do have some fans there, but mostly with the old lead singer.
77. Amber said:
Holy God, I am itchy now. I thought our wolf spiders were bad, but tarantulas? HELL naw. Just thinking about having those things close to my house is enough to make me weep.
I was less upset about the snake that wrapped itself around our hot water heater (which is in a cabinet IN MY KITCHEN) than I am about your tarantulas.
78. belletoes said:
Oh ma gah!!! I was about to lay down and nap with the baby, but I had to go and read about freakin' TARANTULAS in Utah! Is nowhere safe anymore?
I feel things crawling on me and am seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. FREAKING OUT! Thank God my little MoMoShanaynay (female version of Chuck) will save us from the bugs. She attacks anything, spiders, crabs, snakes etc... Heather, I can't believe you just discovered Cesar! He is a God. I love him. Fantastic article on AlphaMom.
You make me laugh, cry and make me proud everyday to be a mom and a girl. Thanks!
79. Mack'sMom said:
6Degrees...
Marshall Road (16) on the south side of 169
80. 6degrees said:
Thanks, Mack'sMom! I'll have to go point and laugh next fall/ winter!!! ;-)
81. Urs said:
Heather I want to thank you for your Alpha Mom story about Chuck. My mother, and I, have never owned pets. I've always wanted cats and finally got two furballs when I started dating my fiance. He's had cats his entire life and he's really taught me how to care for them. I've had some issues with them destryoing my clothes and shoes but I accept it because they're animals. A year ago my mother got a dog and then 3 months later she adopted a second dog that was from New Orleans and was displaced from Hurricane Katrina. I've tried to warn her about the responsibilities that come with having animals because I knew it was very hard for me to adjust and I knew it would be the same for her. The other day I heard that she beat up her dog because he ate a pair of her shoes. I forwarded her the link of your Alpha Mom story so that she can see that I'm not the only one who thinks that beating up a dog is the only way of teaching it right and wrong. I hate the thought of animals being absued, and even though I know my mother isn't a mean person it hurts me to think that she would hit a dog.
As mush as I love animals... I wouldn't think twice about squashing a tarantula! That's the ickiest post ever.
82. Toyfoto said:
Please, please, please ... PULL EASE ... Post pictures!
please?
83. jes said:
This is quite similar to my recent run-in, except I was not quite so close to home. And I was camping, which kind of makes one assume such run-ins will take place.
But not all within two days, and not all life-threatening, and not all involving two deadly snakes and one deadly spider.
84. Erik said:
oh god! i jumped out of my chair just reading that. i would have been in the car with you pushing your foot to the floor on our way off the edge of the earth.
85. Anneleen said:
My sympathies for your near-spider experience! Horrible creatures - usefull and all you like - but hideous and frightful. How loud was your scream when Jon told you about them?
86. Heidi Nelle said:
That's really creepy. I think I'd talk to the neighbors about it and warn them that they might have tarantulas in their yard. Ugh, that's so creepy, especially because tarantulas are poisionous.
87. riseyp said:
yeah, pictures would be the frosting on the cake here! though my imagination's doing a pretty good job thus far ;-)
isn't it strange when you know a little about the people who lived in your house before you did? it's like their ghost is still around in some cases.
and i did feel quite a pang when i read about you throwing away perfectly good tulip bulbs. imported from holland! did you happen to get any in Amsterdam?
88. Claudia said:
Thank goodness it's cold enough up here to avoid furry little buggers like that :P. Just wait, one day, Leta will be playing in the back yard, put one in her hand and bring it over to you, in that completely innocent way children do and say "Mommy, look at my big spider!"
89. Gora_Kagaz said:
eewww...i hate creepy crawlys too. especially spiders. eurgh *shudder*. time to whip out the bug spray--although the shovel works just as well.
90. Erin MJ said:
Oh, Heather... you have such a gift for vividly recreating situations with your writing, but in this case forgive me for saying that is not a good thing!!! =-o
I can't even _imagine_ the ways in which I would freak out if even ONE tarantula showed up in ALL OF OREGON. When I was a little kid I actually had nightmares about the tarantulas from the pet shops getting out of their cages and coming to my house... *shudder*.
So, suffice to say, I feel your pain. I really hope, for your sake and ours, that no more of those horrible creatures show up at your house! ;)
91. Cory said:
When I first moved to SLC, I had no idea that tarantulas lived anywhere in uh, real life, nevermind here. I was hiking in the foothills and saw what was obviously a tarantula but since they weren't in any frame of reference, I remember thinking huh, that's the biggest, furriest spider I've ever seen...
92. TigerLambGirl said:
http://www.camelspiders.net/
Seriously - check out the Camel Spider. We've found many over the years here - prancing around the garden where my babies played! The largest was two inches long and a good half inch or more wide.
93. Tara Whitney said:
i am glad you will now have a rolling lawn instead of hidden plastic.
one time we had a bird in the house. i put on my husbands hooded sweatshirt (hood up) and sat in my car with the doors locked until he got it out. i respect your tarantula fear.
94. momma 2 angels said:
Great reading Heather! Leta's pic today is particularly scrumptious.
95. TigerLambGirl said:
Mack's Mom - omg, I didn't realise you'd already posted the link for Camel Spiders. They make me cringe - big time - when I come across them. I NEVER walk outside at night - in our garden - without shoes. Never. But my husband does. We've been living here far too long. We're leaving soon and I think I might just try and catch one and jar it up to take with us. Creepy, I know. But who the hell will believe us later if I don't keep a specimen?
Sheesh - the nightmares I'm gonna have tonight.
Heather - if you ever get to UK (where we're gonna be in a few short months) you totally owe me a vodka on ice. I'll provide the caviar and sour cream.
96. Sandra said:
Please, please, book me a seat in that car you are driving off the edge of the Earth. Oh. My. Goodness. Me. Aargh!
97. The Bold Soul said:
Ewwwww! I hate spiders so much, I couldn't even sit through the movie "Arachnophobia". Lucky for me, we don't have big friggin' hairy poisonous spiders here in New Jersey (the toxic waste probably killed them all); the little piddly spiders are enough to send me screaming from the room as it is.
I think you're braver than I would be in your shoes. If I were you I'd be putting my house on the market, out of fear of what else might be hatching out in the yard. Or else ripping out every shrub, hedge, flowerbed and tree and replacing every blade of live grass with astroturf, which no self-respecting spider would be caught alive on.
98. Chickie said:
It should only take about a gallon of gasoline 4 matches to wipe out the rest of the tarantula population on your block. Ack.
99. Michelle said:
what a wonderful piece of writing.
100. plantain said:
Ever seen a Hunstman Spider?... I grew up in Queensland, Australia... and I've seen some the size of dinner plates... i shit you not!
http://www.giftlog.com/pictures/photo/hantsman_spider2.jpg
Ugh... gives me the willywoowahs just thinking about it...
Although, which would you prefer - a couple of Tarantula's but in a (soon to be) lovely garden in a Utah... or a homeless tranny transient sunning himself on your front stoop in WeHo
101. Alana said:
That sounds horrifying! I think I would stay in the house for a while...The only problem with that, is that here in south Texas, we have roaches the size of kittens who are living in our house. I have an exterminator who comes monthly, but we still have several roaches to kill. I am more afraid of them than anything on earth, to the point of having nightmares about them. I won't kill them, because I can't stand the sound it makes when you step on them, and feeling one through a wad of paper towels is also too much for me. Pick up a dead one in a dustpan? That's still too close to my body. Thank God I have a cat who eats them, because my four-year-old son screams and runs when he sees a roach. I was hoping to raise him to kill bugs (so I wouldn't have to do it).
102. Teeny225 said:
'I wasn't terribly fond of Zorkon, the tarantula my brothers caught and placed in a glass mayo jar'
Does anyone else feel a little sorry for Zorkon in his wee glass cell? I don't mind spiders BTW, but the ones we get here in the UK are weeny compared to monstrous tarantulas and camel/huntsman spiders! Plantain, I'm afraid you've put me off EVER going to Queensland...
103. TiffyWiffyPooPooWanna said:
My sister's next door neighbor (in a nice Utah neighborhood) had an interesting flower pot in the space between their driveways--a beautiful porcelain toilet brimming with gorgeous red geraniums. Thankfully, they moved and took the toilet with them. (I hear they bought a home in Salt Lake from a taxidermist.)
104. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
Maybe they migrated to SLC for the religion.
105. Fireflower said:
I feel the sanctity of my marriage threatened by tarantulas. Wait, that wasn't the point? What's this... must be the foil hat on my head is out of alignment. Hold on *rustling and fiddling* There we go! Now return to your regularly scheduled insanity.
When my husband went to boot camp he told me that he half expected me to send him a red cross message that I was being held hostage in the kitchen by large water beetles. I wasn't though. When he was gone I learned that I had no choice but to kill them. But I refused to clean the carcasses up. They were left where they lay, smooshed into the linoleum, as a warning to their little roachy friends. The funny thing is, once I had four smooshed bugs on my living room floor, I never saw any more as long as we lived there.
106. Billygean.co.uk said:
Aah, nobody I talk to has ever had their sick covered up by sawdust. At my school, they did that, and then they left it, until it rolled into tiny sawdust-covered sick balls that pigeons ate. Gotta love England.
Also, on an english-grammar point, it's "COUPLE OF". "Couple of years ago." You English major, you should be ashamed!!!
Oh my God I am so anal.
Billygean
107. J P said:
The thought of tarantulas running amuck in your yard made my skin crawl in ways it never should. I actually had to regulate my breathing so that the strange tingling in my neck would stop.
108. marnie said:
*looks right*
*looks left*
*looks right again*
*whisper* Is having plastic flowers in your yard BAD? What about glass flowers? Any better??
109. Alexandrialeigh said:
Holy cow. And I thought cockroaches were bad...
110. The Mighty Jimbo said:
i'll take a dozen tarantulas over one city roach any day.
111. Deserbilly said:
Ummm, tarantulas are harmless, gentle creatures.
112. iheartchuck said:
Why, oh why did I google camel spider, TigerLambGirl...I think I want to barf.
I am in Washington state and just the idea that there are tarantulas within 1000 miles of me makes me squirmy. Spiders. Ugh.
113. Rob said:
I'm afraid I'd be on my hands and knees going awwww at them too. Our old house has a fairly big spider population, mostly small ones (and no British spider comes up to tarantula size). But they're rather sweet, and they eat the goddam wasps. This is good. Maybe a tarantula or six could eat a few of the the neighbours' cats which keep shitting on our lawn.
If I attempted to dispose of one (even a tarantula) with extreme prejudice, I'd be at risk of having an animal-mad teenage son cut the brake lines on my car.
114. dre said:
I can't decide which is scarier: tarantulas or PLASTIC FUCKING FLOWERS in one's backyard!?
p.s. Uh, cathbuzz, I live 2.5 hrs from SF!! Don't tell me these things, for I have never seen a tarantula in NorCal. Uh oh...
115. Amy said:
YOU MUST POST A PICTURE OF A TARANTULA (even a dead one would be fine).
116. Denise said:
i usually suck up spiders that i am totally afraid to kill with the vaccum hose. i don't think it will work on the tarantulas. imagine if you tried AND IT GOT STUCK IN THE OPENING OF THE VACCUM HOSE. EWWWW. jfldsajfl;ajfl;
117. ecologista said:
Oh lord, spiders make my skin crawl just thinking about them. Heather, I would probably be clinging wide-eyed to the roof of the car because I immediately would have leaped to the highest available surface upon sighting the tarantulas. Seriously, I have tried everything to get over that stupid phobia...they say virtual reality therapy works...they have really creepy, bold ones here in the UK where I'm currently living: little buggers brazenly traipse down the sidewalks in broad daylight! How's that to make you hate a place you've just moved?
Monkeyaker, I'm a native Northwesterner and can reassure you that banana slugs are seriously cool. Apart from the slime, which I wouldn't recommend getting on you, they don't do much that can harm anyone besides consume nice looking garden plants. They're actually completely harmless and only get super-slimey if they're injured. In the great NW, I guarantee you that at least one kid you know will have licked one at some point in time to see if it really did make your tongue go numb (and it does, since they have some sort of anesthetic in their slime).
Oh, I'm a geek. Geek, geek, geek.
But spiders. UCK.
118. ketty said:
Utah tarantulas are not dangerous at all - like a bee, they only kill you if you are allergic. But a bite hurts like the dickens... have you seen the fangs on those things? I used to keep them as pets when I was in high school and one time Larry (the very scary hairy tarantula) was crawling from my palm to the back of my hand and as I turned my hand I felt his fangs drag across my skin and I nearly freaked out and dropped the poor guy. They are HUGE! Like the tips of a pencil! I held my composure, though, and luckily for Larry. If you drop a tarantula they will often burst (although you CAN super-glue them back together and they will usually survive - I would definitely advise you to keep an emergency tarantula glue kit nearby just in case.)
The point: I hate small spiders. You can't keep track of the little buggers and who knows if they are sitting in the bottom of my pajama drawer just waiting to inject me with some horrible, terrible, awful death juice. CURSED SMALL SPIDERS!
119. ecologista said:
Ketty, are you kidding about the super glue? Oh dear lord, GROSS! (Says the girl whose friends licked banana slugs.)
120. maryd said:
Can you hear the ear-piercing screams from several hundred miles away? Yeah, that's me.
121. coffeygirlb said:
Holy shit, HELL NO!!! I would have to seriously consider relocation!!
122. Kathryn said:
I keep a HUGE stack of Vanity Fairs handy just for such situations (drop and run is my practice) --- huge, massive hairy spiders run amok in the Northwest apparently. Which is actually sane in comparison to my mother who put our childhood home on the market after they found a rat in the basement. She moved to the Ritz until they bought a new one.
123. Chantel said:
Plastic flowers
Vomit &
Tarantula's (EEEEK!, I need to run away)
I smell screen play.
124. eliane said:
omfg GIRL !
You freaked me out ! I fu&king hate spiders !
I really hope you're going to call pest control or something.
love
xxx
125. jenlovely said:
right now i would kill for tarantula's in my yard rather then the flea infestation i have. while tarantula's are scary looking, and can do some damaged with a bite, at least you can SEE the damn thing coming. fleas on the other hand, i think of like aids. a silent killer.
126. LucyArin said:
euagh. Hate spiders. Hate them. Don't care if they kill other buggy things, euagh. Thanks very much for the all too vivid images.
I am astonished with the SLC winters that tarantualas can survive there. ICK. Hope your breathing is back to normal, I am still hyperventalating.
~Lucy
127. Kissyface said:
it's bordering on the surreal.
128. beetski said:
please, please post photos of the plastic landscaping. especially the plastic hydrangeas.
129. nicki333 said:
OMG, tarantulas?! Plastic flowers?! You are a brave woman. I would have run for the hills...just the idea of having a possible random tarantula encounter in my yard would scare the crap out of me, although the thought of plastic flowers is no less frightening... :)
130. belletoes said:
Figures you'd post this story on the one day a week I can cut the 6 inch grass in my jungle of an acre! I'm still high from the OFF spray and my neighbors all think I was on acid, with all of the flinching, screaming and tearing through the yard at break neck speed. Heather, you've doomed me to nightmares for a week. PLEASE!!!!! Call the exterminator! I can't stand to think of those things near you, Leta and Jon! ickickickickickickickick
131. Serenity Now said:
Our old house had scorpions in the basement and I REFUSED to do laundry in there. Ever. We ended up hiring a cleaning lady to do it and just neglected to inform her about the scorpions. One day I was upstairs and was going about my business and she was downstairs and I heard a bloodcurling "ARRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH" which was MUCH nicer than my initial "HOLY FUCK!" and she ran up the stairs and out the door.
We never saw her again.
So you could get a gardener out of this deal if you work it right... then again, they may quit on you if you don't let them know of the big T's.
Good luck :)
132. fred said:
keep digging.. near those spiders, you may find jimmy hoffa.
133. Carli said:
F.U.C.K. M.E!!! *starts to scratch* Good luck!
134. thleen said:
This was too fun reading everyone's reactions to spiders. Running out of the house via the sofa and loveseat and wearing a hooded sweatshirt and sitting in the car....FUNNY! Because I would do the same thing. Glad to know I am not alone in this maniacal fear of spiders, snakes and flying birds and BATS! Yikers.
Loved your post on Rehabilitation with Chuckles. When did you flip his collar? I just noticed it in the 6-6-06- pics.
Plastic flowers are reserved for senior citizens with crippling arthritis.
My grandmother put plastic flowers from the dollar store in her flower boxes when she she got older and couldn't do her real gardening.
Sounds like the taxidermist is from the Adams Family.
And just what do they make that vomit congealer out of anyways? Funny how we can all recall the smell of that stuff. It's right up there with that white paste from kindergarten.
I think the neighbor with the cat flushed the beach towel while your flight attendant dude was away. Aha!
135. bananie said:
ah neighbors. we've got one named mad mike (sweet illiteration), who's a vietnam vet with a vengeance. longhaired hippie type, only he's kinda violent, and loves to arbitrarily threaten people's lives. he has this sweet little nickname for me that makes me a little moist: fucking cunt. he doesn't like "the gays".
we're bonding a lot these days, what with the police having to come out after he threw my dog, and then threatened to snap her neck. he has to keep a tantalizing 500 feet from me anymore.
i am so excited to know him better.
136. Polly said:
Bad news: The insides of my ears itch all the way in Maryland because there are free-ranging tarantulas as close as your Utah lawn.
Good news: I'm so freaked out that I, a non-pooper of the highest order, have to go visit the potty.
Thank you once again, Heather, for your delightful contributions to my life. :)
137. Tiggerlane said:
STOP THE FREAKIN' PRESSES!
Did ketty really mean this: " If you drop a tarantula they will often burst (although you CAN super-glue them back together and they will usually survive - I would definitely advise you to keep an emergency tarantula glue kit nearby just in case.)"???
You gotta be f***in' kiddin' me. You are gonna tell me someone HOLDS ONTO TARANTULAS AND GLUES THEM BACK TOGETHER?!?!?! I have to stop reading dooce while sipping vodka (thanks for the tip, TigerLambGirl.)
Bursting? Yech. But effective.
138. goddesschristine said:
NO! just no. *rocks back & forth*
139. RandiRed said:
Ewwwwww! I think that is way up there with my Wolf Spider story. But yours are way bigger than ours. Yuck Yuck Yuck!
140. shanparker said:
This is the first and last time I read Dooce before bed. Thanks for the story I'm sure instead of dreams tonight of a dozen tornados trying to kill me I'll have dreams of tarantulas.
141. Mary Jo said:
Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew! I'm thinking of driving off the edge of the earth just reading that! GAH!
142. Talon said:
All of a sudden, mid-michigan is not NEARLY far enough from your yard.
...
eeeeeeek
143. Talon said:
To Shanparker:
How about dozens of tornados with tarantulas whirling around in them?
*innocent*
144. leahpeah said:
but i really liked the plastic plants.....
145. leahpeah said:
oh, ya...
and......
FUCKING TARANTULAS??
146. kerry said:
HOLY F*CKING CRAP!!! if i found out there were tarantulas next door to me, i'd be out there with a bloody flame thrower! ICK ICK ICK! just the thought of it is making me want to be ill. *bleargh*!
hope you don't end up having problems with them.
ICK ICK ICK
147. Wacky Mommy said:
Dude. And I thought I had problems cuz my neighbor left her flocked Christmas tree in the driveway for six months. Flocked Christmas trees are not so attractive once they mold. You have my condolences.
(PS -- Leta is adorable -- thanks for all the pix.)
148. Jabberwocky said:
Oh Please, please, pretty please .. can you take some pictures for us of the plastic yard flowers and rocks? :-)
149. Princesspinky said:
I moved out of my first apartment in KY due to Wolf Spiders. They just won't die! Spray doesn't work. You can't drown them. And forget about catching them to squish...ewww! It still makes my skin crawl.
I had been dating this guy for about a week and I just moved in with him because the spiders had taken over my shower. It worked okay though cause we've been married for almost seven years now.
150. Ktkat said:
Awww... you killed the purty spiders! And their babies... MURDERER!!! You should have given them to the taxidermist to stuff and then let Leta have them as pets. No? Bad idea? Hmmmmm.
Anyway... "Neither representing nor keeping it real" is CLASSIC, as was your post! Keep it up girl, you make my day!
151. Sunni said:
Great post...but.....I am most grateful to see that Chuck's collar has been turned the right way. The universe is back in alignment. Thank you.
http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily_photo/06_06_2006.html
152. marian said:
Just wanted to pop in and say that I loved your dog whisperer post over at the other place.
153. brandy said:
OMG I would have died! Even after the fact!
Theres a house in my 'hood that has a lovely front yard full of rocks and fake flowers, nothing looks more lovely than a nice neat row of single stemmed roses, sunflowers and tulips.
The only excuse for fake flowers is senility.
154. Shelley Bonnechance said:
I flinched when I read about the cement parking slabs, the stomach-bile walls and the plastic flowers, but I nearly peed my pants when I got to the part about the tarantulas. One tarantula is bad enough, but several? What are you trying to do to me?
You need to warn a person before suddenly bringing tarantulas into the mix.
I am going to go lie down. I am not okay with spiders. Or cement slabs in the garden or plastic hydrangeas, for that matter. But especially spiders.
155. Jac said:
I love reading your stuff. I've been reading for a couple months, but never bothered to register before.
Do you really read all the comments? I noticed that especially on the ones about your pregnancy and Leta, you get a TON. I can't believe you'd have time to do anything else, if you read through all of them - but then, I know when I had a blog with a pretty big leadership (albeit nothing compared to yours, I'm sure) the best part about it was reading what other people thought. Not about my writing, exactly. More about what I made them think.
I wanted to say thank you for writing about your depression. It makes me a lot less scared to see you, who were really sick at one time, are great now. Managing it perfectly. Have an amazing husband you're crazy-in-love with, a daughter you adore, a house. You manage to stay at home with Leta and not break things. You manage to keep being a wife to Jon and don't turn into an irritable, emotional crazy woman. It's nice to see those kinds of things can happen. Because if it happens to someone else, maybe it can happen to me, too.
156. Esmter said:
Is there such thing as a cat whisperer? we've got the dog behaving like a gentleman, now its time for the jerk of a cat.
157. Wendy Mac said:
My husband made the mistake of telling me he found two black widow spiders in our backyard.
I can never go in the backyard. EVER. AGAIN.
In fact, I think we have to move.
158. AN said:
When we moved to Las Vegas we lived in a newly developed area in the NW part of the city that was basically still the desert. How comforting it was to sit down to pee and see that 2.5 feet away from me, snuggled all descretely between the wall by the tub & the scale was a big hairy spider of the tarantula kind. My younger brother & I were the only ones home & when my ex-stepdad came home he accused us of spraying so much bug spray at the damn thing that we had created a "green fog" in the house (this is ironic coming from a man who would have all the doors & windows closed during the winter in LV, the heater on, and be smoking. I came home from school once & opened the door to -literally- a grayish-white "fog" of cigarette smoke that had taken the place of the regular air in the livingroom. nice.).
There was also the time my mom was rearranging her bedroom (same house) & found a tarantula squeezed in between the wall & her bookcase. I don't know what happened after that because I had to leave the room.
Or the other time we found a tarantula in my brother's messy room, crawling around or whatever AND COULD NOT FIND IT AFTER IT RAN UNDER HIS COMFORTER THAT WAS LAYING ON HIS FLOOR. I just hoped the damn thing couldn't squeeze under his door & come attack me.
I'm back in San Diego now & I mostly have Daddy Longlegs in my house, which is fine with me; I can deal with those. It's kinda amusing to see the collection of ant carcasses littered below where the DLL is hanging out. But my grandpa's house is Bug Central Station. He's got spiders and all kinds of bugs in his place that give me the heebie jeebies. I mean, who get's slugs in their kitchen cabinets? Once I saw a spider with a HUGE ROUND abdomen (like the Black Widow) but it was FURRY. It was in the planter right in front of where the livingroom is, as well as the window. Uuhh *shudders*
159. Rebecca said:
Ewwww that gave me the willies.
160. Julie said:
Gah! That made my skin crawl. And made me pull my Teva-clad feet off the ground even though I am 1.) in an office 2.) in Brooklyn, neither of which are known tarantula-habitats.
Gah!
161. Kristine said:
I moved from a hick town in Northern California where ants are HUGE to Sacramento where you can't see them at all.
I thought I had 'moved up'. I didn't know for 2 weeks in the summer we get infested by WOLF SPIDERS.
I almost moved after that first summer.
162. ketty said:
No really, it's true: http://www.atshq.org/articles/stumpy.html
163. doctor tongue said:
WHAT?! You killed tarantulas?! They're awesome!
Perhaps this is where I should mention that I had a Lasiodora parahybana, or Brazilian Salmon Pink Birdeater (isn't the name even pretty?)(until you get to the "Birdeater" part) as a pet. And that my son now has her, because I turned out to be allergic to her hairs. I discovered that while handling her. The previous owner (a woman) used to let her sit in the crook of her neck (they like the heat). Dora is her name, and she's bigger than my hand. But not big enough to balance Heinies on her head.
164. vicki said:
That's just wrong...all of it just wrong.
165. vicki said:
hilarious but oh soooo wrong.
Ohio only has wolf spiders in the plastic flowers and weeds. Ask my mother in law
166. kristinindc said:
heather, i just wanted to let you know that after reading this entry late last night, i had a dream about a hairy brown spider the size of my hand that was living in my t-shirt drawer - i could only see one or two big hairy brown legs at a time and the clothes moving around on top of him. i woke up in a blind panic and was afraid to roll over to go back to sleep, lest the movement in the bed arouse the spiders i was sure were lurking everywhere.
167. Bess said:
In college I went to the Spin Doctors concert at Lakewood Amphitheatre in Atlanta. We took public transit (bus) down to the show. Right as the bus left the last stop before the ride down, Suzy Sorority hurled her strawberry daqueri. We had to endure the entire ride with runny, pink puke creeping up and down the ruts in the aisle. With every turn, stop and acceleration the people in the middle had to to chin-ups as it passed underneath. We could have used some of that sawdust!!
168. Shana Banana said:
Oh man... you wold seen a two pound crap, and then me fainting into it LOL Oh man.. I am VIOLENTLY affraid of spiders. Hairy Black big ones especially
169. doctor tongue said:
Oh, and ketty's link reminded me that the retired president of the ATS, and author of one of the best taratula books in publication, lives here in Calgary. When he was active, one entire bedroom in their home was dedicated to over 100 different tarantulas (including a Goliath Birdeater with a legspan of 10" who would only each mice), several black widows and a few scorpions. My kids used to love their bi-weekly open house.
170. claire said:
Oh God.
Ew.
That's what I get for stopping by Dooce when I'm eating my lunch. I can handle ham sandwich barf covered by sawdust. But tarantulas?
Thanks a lot, Heather.
171. napangel said:
I seriously wish you hadn't told ME about the tarantulas. Hell, I'm more than 1,300 miles away from you (I know, because I looked it up on Mapquest), and now I want to get in the car and drive off the edge of the Earth.
172. MommyofOne said:
Thank you, Jessica, for officially ruining my crab fetish.
Spiders of the Sea? I want to scratch my eyes out. I had crab ravioli last night.
Heather, I love your Alpha Mom posts. Awesome.
Another Jessica
173. absyfabsy said:
Dear Heather,
I have often thought you and I should be best friends. I also live in SLC and am a fellow exmo. We are the same age, both love Bono and Felicity.
When my husband and I experienced our first early spring of home ownership and tulips growing, I thought they were ugly hairy weeds and pulled all of them out, including the bulbs. It wasn't until later when I told my mom that she had the exact same weeds that I had, that she told me I killed all of my tulips.
And a trantula family? aaaaaaaaaaargh! Now I won't stop itching all day.
174. Emily Durand said:
1. Tarantulas
2. Mormons in Gub'mint
3. Plastic yard hydrangeas
Three reasons I will never move to Utah - thanks Dooce!
175. lindsmarc said:
My sister's roommate was in a bit of a prank war in college. The guys decided to get her back by hiding several tarantulas in her room! Not only that, but they had numbered them with random numbers, so it looked like there were more. My sister had the unlucky accident of being the first person back to the room and had to run around trying to trap the nasty creatures under bowls, but even that wasn't enough to keep some of them trapped. Later that day, she leaned back against a foot stool lined with fringe and completely freaked out. :)
176. www.lifeisgood.blogspot.com said:
I sure hope a nest of tarantuals didn't find it's way to your car. It would be awful if they started to fall out through the dash board on your feet while you are driving. Maybe you shouldn't wear sandals when you drive.....you know, just in case.
177. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
*refusing to follow the spidery links offered by other commenters*
It's gonna take me lots and lots and lots of gay binge drinking/towel flushing to recover from the thought of tarantulas ANYWHERE, especially in your yard. I once almost fell out of a high-backed chair at work when someone thought it would be funny to approach me with a dead tarantula on his hand. I still didn't want it anywhere in my sight after he told me it was dead.
178. monkey said:
Ew. Spiders are one thing. Big HAIRY spiders are another. I would refuse to walk outside!
179. bonkersmomof4 said:
What possessed me to read the link about the superglued tarantula?? I am itching all over. Ick.
180. marcheline said:
Hey -
I can't tell if your comment about drunk gay folks was meant as a joke or not... but I have to say that the activities of drunk straight people (including myself!) certainly have nothing to do with preventing the sanctity of marriage, either. But you probably knew that...
I also find it interesting how few people sympathized with the tarantula family. Just because of how they look to us, it's okay to kill them and their babies? That's kind of a sad commentary on the world today... anything in our way? Squash it.
I'm guessing the tarantulas can totally relate to the Native Americans.
- M
181. literatigirl said:
Ignoring for just a moment the incredible creepiness factor of tarantulas, from what I know of most species they rarely bite and when they do it is usually no more harmful than a bee sting. But I could be wrong.
When we moved to Georgia when I was a little girl, we were all terrified of the little scorpions that we'd encounter on occasion. One dark, soupy, buggy, Atlanta night, my older brother was bitten by one such miniature scorpion. My parents rushed him to the ER in a panic only to be told that they should ice it and give him a couple of tylenol.
Now brown recluse spiders? Stay the fuck away; their venom will eat a hole in your leg.
Yes, I watched the Discovery Channel this morning.
182. pat said:
Good God, you better watch where you walk. They can set up house on your property.
183. pat said:
Good God, you better watch where you walk. They can set up house on your property.
184. AmersMann22 sai