Go forth and multiply
When my sister was pregnant for the fourth time she gave my mother a frame with places for five pictures as a christmas gift. I was standing directly next to my mother when she opened it, and I noticed before she did that the first three mats in the frame corresponded to my sister's first three children, and the other two mats indicated that two more were on their way. At first my mother thought that her oldest daughter had miscalculated the size of her own family, and as she was pointing this out the frightening reality hit her like a brick in the face, "But you don't have . . . THIS DOES NOT MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS." The frame was my sister's creative way of saying that she was trying to populate the Earth by herself.
My sister's house has always been a suburban recreation of Lord of the Flies, except her version has always had a little more cannibalism. When my mother processed the fact that my sister was going to be bringing twin boys into the mix her face became a physical manifestation of The World Ending. It's not that she wasn't joyous about the prospective new additions, it's that she knew one would be hard enough. But two? TWO MORE? JUST IMAGINE THE BLOOD SPATTER.
My sister's twins are now five years old, and since their birth she has been harassing me to do my part in expanding the family. I always thought I would have three or more kids. I guess it's because I have two siblings myself, and that's the kind of family I've always wanted. But after the experience I've had with this first one, with my precious Screaming Leta, I'm not so sure I'm the type of person who could handle three kids. And that has been hard to accept. I see other mothers who have that many kids, and deep inside I am envious of them simply for the fact that they seem to be handling it even if they think they aren't handling it at all.
I am frequently asked if Jon and I plan to have any more kids, and the answer to that is long and winding:
I finally feel like I have a handle on the responsibilities of this family, like I know what I'm doing, like the role of Mother makes sense. Finally my instincts have kicked in at the right frequency, and I don't go around all day thinking what is this creature that runs through my house and why won't it stop making that noise?
Only recently have I started to have that baby itch again, have I wanted to put the shiny, bald heads of infants in my mouth. I think that's a good sign because it means I've been able to forget a little bit of the sting of those first six months and am now at a point where I would even consider going through it again. I'm the one at the neighborhood party grabbing the babies off their mothers' laps because the urge to bite their nubbly ears is too overwhelming. Wanting to eat babies is a good indication that I have healed.
But the decision to have another baby is so complicated. What if when we try it doesn't work? What if when we try I end up like my sister, pregnant with twins? Can we afford to have another child? Because now our insurance is such that we have to cover the cost of the delivery. Is our house big enough? How will I continue working and supporting my family if anything goes wrong?
Add to that my history of postpartum depression and the fact that I am now more likely to to experience it again because I did the first time around. Am I ready for that? Is Jon? Should I even risk putting him or Leta though that again? Should I risk destroying the peaceful home that I've spent the last two years building?
I don't know.
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- Office remodel, episode two: http://bit.ly/dmqDas
- Leta, after saving her money for six months to buy a toy and purchasing it this afternoon: "Today is the best day of my entire life."
- Happy Eighth Anniversary to my soul mate, @blurb. And they said it wouldn't last. We're laughing all the way to our therapist!
smellthejava said:
We're in the midst of this quandry, too. Some people say just close your eyes and jump in. I dunno, having one great, but a hand full of a kid makes the decision doubly hard. Good luck, whatever you decide.
And am I really first?!?
05.18.06 - 08:58 AM / 1Lily said:
Totally understandable. There is a lot (A LOT) of pressure for people "multiply."
I have one, and I know I am done. He's almost 8. I love babies... I even love the idea of being pregnant. It's just EVERYTHING else that I know I don't want to commit myself to for the next 20 years +.
Good luck in whatever you and Jon decide.
05.18.06 - 08:58 AM / 2Mack'sMom said:
You are going through EXACTLY what I am going through...and so I relate all too much. My daughter turns two TODAY, and I always said I wanted my children three years apart. I need to get crackin' this fall.
We can't afford it...but we couldn't afford my daughter and we made it work. Luckily you don't have to worry about daycare, because that's what we really can't afford. So the question is, Do I go part-time? My sanity won't let me be a SAHM...
I have the itch, but I don't think I have the mental stability to add to the craziness around me.
I say, WAIT until you absolutely can't handle it....then you're ready! I want more children, but I don't want to not enjoy them like I did my daughter.
You can only try to plan for the big picture, you can't control it. If the depression comes back, you have experience under your belt. You'll be able to get help immediately rather than months down the road.
05.18.06 - 08:59 AM / 3Elle said:
I haven't even had this one yet and I am asking myself how will I ever want to go through this again? I cried today at work in front of several co-workers who are now looking at me like I really am that poor, crazy pregnant lady I think I am. Everyone says the 2nd trimester is great. I really am banking on that, because as it stands now I don't think I can handle 6 more months of this.
05.18.06 - 09:00 AM / 4Jennifer said:
Tough questions. Very tough decision. But I'm sure that whatever you do, it will be the right decision.
05.18.06 - 09:00 AM / 5Urs said:
this isn't meant to be offensive, so please don't get upset.
it is because of people like your sister that i am choosing not to have any children.
05.18.06 - 09:02 AM / 6TerraT said:
Those are such great questions and real concerns, but I for one think that you are definitely one of those moms that doesn't think they have it together when in fact you do.
As for, can you handle more than one, let me share a piece of advice my Grandmother gave me when I was first considering being a foster parent (single and with no children) always have two.
Two children will keep each other company when they are older, sure there will be the squabbles and disagreements, but while they're busy playing and fighting with eachother you can be sneaking a drink in the kitchen, and that alone makes it worth it.
05.18.06 - 09:02 AM / 7kelliamanda said:
I don't know if it's possible for you to stay on meds while pregnant, or if you could, possibly, go on them right after the birth and forego trying to BF this time? A good friend of mine, who battled severe PPD after her first child, decided to stay on Zoloft during her second pregnancy. So far, so good, and hopefully it'll work out for her, but we won't know for sure until after the baby. I have no kids & no pregnancies under my belt, but I know depression all too well and, unfortunately, Zoloft didn't work for me, so that wouldn't be an option if I were to get pregnant. I've seriously debated whether it would be smart for me to try for a baby (at some point) at all, given my history of depression and med-resistance. That said, you do what you have to do. If staying sane & out of the psych ward means no more kids for you, then so be it, and you can shower your (non-depressed!) attention on Leta. But if you decide to go for it again, I'm rooting for you. Hell, I'm rooting for you either way. Best of luck.
05.18.06 - 09:04 AM / 8MontanaJen said:
Get out of my head, woman.
The 'what ifs' never, ever stop, do they? Sheesh.
When my husband and I got pregnant for the first time, the what ifs CONSUMED me - couldn't sleep at night, wondering about college funds and the fact that I didn't know how to bake bread and by God where I grew up bread making is what mothers DID and HOW am I EXPECTED to be a MOTHER and NOT BAKE BREAD?!?
Three months later we miscarried. Then we were devastated.
I realized that the questions will never, ever be answered, but even better - my sainted, bread making mother had the same damn questions. She didn't answer them either. I'm so freaking happy she didn't, because having three girls and then a boy in relatively close ages is NOT where the answers would have pointed her.
You'll make the decision that's right for you. Best of luck in your journey there.
Then I realized that
05.18.06 - 09:04 AM / 9ChristyD said:
I don't know either, but it sounds like the things that are stopping you are temporary. The first 6 months, the post-partum depression, the money, insurance. We had a surprise baby last year and I was terribly worried about similar issues. I am so thrilled that it worked out the way it did because I never would have had another on purpose, and I think we all would have missed out on so much.
05.18.06 - 09:05 AM / 10snowshyn said:
Birth control fails. Condoms fail. God will decide when it's time for you to expand your family.
05.18.06 - 09:06 AM / 11rivetergirl said:
It seems that you are more ready to have another child than you are willing to admit. You are asking all the right questions, have all the right concerns.
There are no guarantees.
You have a good thing going. A beautiful daughter, a loving husband. Bringing another baby isn't going to spoil that.
But it might complicate it.
It will definitely change it.
Listen to your heart and Jon's, too.
You have time. Whatever decision you make will be the right one.
P.S. I have a stepson who is 15 and a daughter who is 5. I happily drove my husband to the doctor when Margaret was 6 weeks old to get a vasectomy (even though he would've been happy with a litter of kids).
I've never looked back. But I knew was I was pregnant that she was the only one for me.
05.18.06 - 09:06 AM / 12Melanie said:
I've got three kids. Hell, if I can do it, you sure can! Throw caution to the wind! Breed your little heart out!
05.18.06 - 09:06 AM / 13Karen said:
Your fears are totally understandable.
You are stronger now and you have learned a lot through your experiences. You will be better equipped for whatever decisions you and Jon make.
05.18.06 - 09:07 AM / 14leahkay said:
Ah, the old Mormon announce-the-pregnancy-with-a-cheesy-gift technique. I spend every Christmas morning in a state of permanent cringe in anticipation of one or more of my nineteen-year-old cousins giving her mother a baby rattle. Gah.
05.18.06 - 09:07 AM / 15Michelle~in~Memphis....ugh said:
I don't know why the question of "when are you going to have another?" is so uncomfortable. My son is almost 7. I still feel like he's my baby. I don't know when I will be ready to open my heart to a new child. I too went through post-partum. It's a scary thought to do that all over again. I don't know if I could handle letting my son see me in that state. It's frightenting. My grandmother had post partum with number three of her 4 girls. I know she made it through. I know we could do it. It is just the unknown that is so creepy. Some say it gets easier with each one. But not for anal retentive people. It is just as spastic as the first.
You'll know when you are ready.
05.18.06 - 09:07 AM / 16mousejockey said:
I do. Don't. If you have all of these doubts put the idea, at very least on hold. Enjoy the people in your life. If you feel the need to stick baby's heads in your mouth become a candy striper in a maternity ward. Personally, if I knew there was a chance of twins, I would immediately get a hysterectomy. My cousin had a toddler and then had twin boys and she says she doesn't remember the first two years of their lives, it was a blur. Enjoy Leta and John, life is short. Is the only thing you want to experience is midnight terror screams and changing diapers? YIKES!!
05.18.06 - 09:08 AM / 17noshowmo said:
Good for you for asking all of these questions and really thinking things through before jumping right in and trying again. You are feeling the urges, you are analyzing all of the issues/factors, and trying to be responsible about making this decision. *patpatpat*
That said, you could totally overthink things here. Having had NO kids, and not even being married, I am in the supreme position of authority to say . . . you never know. While I would never wish your ordeal those first six months on anyone, they do put you at an advantage now in that you've been through the worst (or almost) and you know how to recognize those signs, Jon knows how to recognize them, and you can take care of things before they get out of hand.
I don't know what the statistics are on recurrence of postpartum depression/anxiety, but since you have been through it once, and sought treatment (you should not underestimate what a big step that was), the chances of it being as bad as last time are pretty slim to none, IMHO. I just don't think it's possible for the ordeal to be exactly as it was last time because now you are going into it with your eyes open, are aware of the risks and the signs, and are prepared to do whatever is necessary to treat it promptly and fully so that you can take care of your family.
As for whether your house is big enough, financial issues, etc., I always feel those things just work out. Then again, I'm the one who hasn't actually HAD a kid . . .
You don't need luck in making the decision. You're well-equipped to do the right thing for you.
05.18.06 - 09:08 AM / 18kidsmom said:
Ummm, how about adopting a two year old? ;-)
05.18.06 - 09:08 AM / 19kidsmom said:
Ummm, how about adopting a two year old? ;-)
05.18.06 - 09:09 AM / 20Mack'sMom said:
From experience...your Dr. can keep you on something like Prozac while you're pregnant and/or nursing. Once you are done with that step you can go back on your regular stuff.
It was a hard adjustment at first...but my body got used to it and I did pretty well.
05.18.06 - 09:10 AM / 21ripplebliss said:
I really admire you for stepping back and taking time to consider this decision!
It is a HUGE thing!
The decision to have one child is as beautiful as the decision to pump out a small army of progeny, despite what some may say.
It's all about what decision suits your life and your comfort level.
If you know you have enough "mom" for two, and crave more spark in your life, then pop that Folic Acid !
If your lifestyle, home and personality are made to accomodate. a happy little threesome, then enjoy the extra time, money and relative peace!
05.18.06 - 09:11 AM / 22crzylady said:
I wake up every morning praying I'm not unknowingly pregnant. My beautiful five-month-old is more than enough. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to function before the baby.. when I still had a half of brain to focus on things like work and drinking.
Do these thoughts of yours mean you're thinking of PLANNING a pregnancy. Do you know anyone who's planned them? I can't figure out how they do that. I say OMG, holy effing fertility, and Hooray! if babiness happens again, but planning one is sheer insanity.
05.18.06 - 09:11 AM / 23Amy Mingo said:
It's good that you are taking the time to think all of this through. So many people don't put that much time into planning their last meal of the day let alone family planning. I know that no matter what you decide, all will be well. Good luck!
05.18.06 - 09:13 AM / 24Jon Z. said:
I won't be so bold as to suggest how many children you should or shouldn't have, but I will say this: know your limitations. Mine are such that I have two children and a still-healing vasectomy. The one-to-one parent-to-child ratio is the only set of odds I'm willing to accept. Beyond that, fuggedaboutit.
05.18.06 - 09:13 AM / 25Heidi said:
If you decide to have children, I think it will be somewhat easier next time. You both will be more prepared and know what to expect. Also if you wait until Leta's 13, she can babysit ;-)
05.18.06 - 09:13 AM / 26John said:
I thought for sure you would say at the end of the post that you're preggo.
Anyways, the way I look at things [as a gay male who obviously has ALL the knowledge on this matter] is that if you think bringing another child into this world, more specifically your household [a very loving and nurturing environment], and it's something you are excited about, then do so. You said yourself you are in mom mode, which might detract from many of the scary situations that occured in the first experience. Leta is still alive and well, as are you and Jon. I think that's a positive.
Plus, you've got a bigger support system than most. How many readers? 35,000? And if anyone comments or emails negatively, you can just erase or delete them, which is a privilege very few have.
You made it through once, and now you're better off for it.
And imagine the blog fodder.
05.18.06 - 09:14 AM / 27Vaguely Urban said:
Those are really big questions. I wish you luck in finding the answers.
Meanwhile, I'm taking a moment to celebrate the fact that you've healed, and that you know it.
05.18.06 - 09:15 AM / 28Kat said:
I've been struggling with this exact issue for at least a year. My son is two months older than Leta and I'll be 35 soon...but I also had PPD and the thought of subjecting everyone to that again makes me queasy. Every time I think I might be pregnant I panic; every time I know I'm not pregnant I get weepy. I keep wondering if I should wait to have another one until I feel as 100% sure as I did before becoming pregnant the first time. But now that I know what pregnancy and parenthood really involves, I'm not so sure I would ever feel that blissfully naive again. I envision Christmas morning or Disney World vacation in, say, 2012, and I see two kids there; I'm just not real clear on how to get there from here without leaving my sanity at the side of the road. Good luck in your decision, Armstrongs, and thanks for sharing your ambivalence....it's good to know I'm not alone.
05.18.06 - 09:15 AM / 29iamjenlindsey said:
my partner and i have the same struggle debating back and forth on the should we or shouldn't we question. she takes meds daily to help control her bipolar rollercoaster and most likely would need to come off the meds in order to conceive. it's a tough dilemma.
you should consider the fact that you made it this far and you survived (dare i say thrived) as did your marriage. you'll know what you're up against ahead of time the next go round which seems to me like a kick ass advantage for dooce.
05.18.06 - 09:16 AM / 30