The Hamilton Legacy
At 3:30 AM yesterday morning my brother, Ranger, and his wife, Kim, gave birth to a 7 lb baby boy, thus ending a run of procreation that had shamefully produced only two girls. My brother was, until yesterday morning, the last Hamilton male capable of producing a son to carry on the Hamilton name. He's basically lived his entire life under threat of the guillotine, constantly pressured and reminded that if he didn't have a boy the world would collapse into a fiery ball of Hamilton-less rogue powers, none of whom could lead the world to Great Things like a Hamilton with toothless ancestors in the deep South could.
My father's brother, Doug, an emaciated 55-yr old Jesus look-alike, is fully capable of having children, but it's been hard over the years to meet a good woman while living at a Kentucky State penitentiary. None of us know for sure whether or not Doug has actually had children, perhaps leagues of little Hamiltons out there that even he isn't aware of. But if we ever do find any, I've got several old drawings Doug has sent from prison over the years, mostly of monstrously proportioned topless women on the backs of motorcycles above the scribbling "Love, Uncle Doug" that I'd be happy to share with a long lost cousin or two or twelve.
My brother and his wife had been struggling for months over what to name the new little addition to our undeniably strange family. I mean, it's not like someone named "Ranger" could just up and name a son "Bob" or anything, and there's no way my father would let my brother name The Son something as common or perfectly acceptable as "Charles" or "Henry." For a while last year Ranger was convinced that they were going to name the child "Strider Aragorn Hamilton" because, naturally, that was the name of a certain Tolkien "Ranger" and what a perfect way to carry on a theme!
I informed him in no uncertain terms that I would not refer to any member of my family as "Strider," and that if they went ahead with the name I'd be left with no choice but to call him "Viggo." Thank God they put down the crack pipe and decided on a much more conventional name of "Talon."
Talon.
I, however, will refer to the child by his WWF character "The Claw Hamilton." How cool am I that I have a nephew I can call Claw?
Watch Heather discuss her feelings about vaccinations on this episode of Momversation.
1. Funtime Ben said:
Talon! Does your brother play Dungeons and Dragons? This kid is so going to get his ass kicked, Hamilton name or not.
2. Marc said:
Talon? Oh, isn't that cuticle...
3. christa said:
I love Talon. That's so great.
4. zchamu said:
Congratulations Auntie Dooce!
5. aubs said:
Talon -- perfect. I was thinking "Night" (of Nightranger fame) but that's just because I've been listening to "Sister Christian" on repeat for a while.
6. Rachel said:
Who names a kid Talon, to bad he is going to get laughed at. Oh well, at least people will remember his name.
7. dooce said:
who names a kid Ranger?
8. Irk said:
Congratulations on your new nephew! Does the kid have any sharp, pointy features?
9. Ragg Mopp said:
I was almost named "Dawning". Thank God my dad didn't feel the urge to name me after an obscure verb like my mom.
10. hagran said:
According to the Mormon Name Generator (http://rumandmonkey.com/
widgets/toys/mormon/)
Talon translates to Stockton Malone. Go figure.
11. Mrs. Kennedy said:
Sheeyit. Is it too late to name him Rebel?
12. Valkyrie9 said:
Hagran, I'm loving the Mormon Name Generator. I'm Cachelyn Channelle.
13. Anna said:
"Who names a kid Talon, to bad he is going to get laughed at." Don't worry, they won't laugh at him here in Utah. He'll fit right in with all the Brecklyn-s and Tolby-s and LaDon-s.
14. EC said:
Wow...and they really put down that crack pipe, huh?
15. Texas T-Bone said:
Talon is certainly unique and I have heard worse.
Have a feeling that if the child were able to name himself, it would not be Talon. But that probably goes for a lot of people named Bobby, Sam, Frank and Louise (not there's anything wrong with those names in particular).
16. Tee hee said:
Talon isn't so bad, but it doesn't go with Hamilton, is there anyway to change his last name?
17. Rachel said:
Smoke Fest...how was it dooce?>please reply.
18. kavin said:
Kids will make fun of you regardless what you name is. You better worry about if he will have the best NIke shoes or something.
19. Jay said:
I think Talon is a cool name. Is his middle name still Aragorn?
20. leandra said:
My dad's name is "Manliff," at least it only became my brother's middle name... He is also the lone boy after two girls.
21. Barb said:
seems like uncle Doug aint gonna be alone anymore..cause that's just a crime..congrats
22. bearclau said:
I go by 'Clau' all the time.
23. April said:
So long as his middle name isn't Ted... because regardless of how talented he might grow up to be, that's just plain wrong.
24. Jamieson Messiah Angel said:
Would be clever if his middle name was Claude. He'll need to grow up with a sharp sense of humor and keep an eagle eye out, or the other kids will be on him like hawks.
25. Anne said:
Are we related? I swear I have the same family as you... only every female child usually has two male names... Bobby Jean, Sammy Jo, etc. Talon, however, takes the cake.
26. michele said:
Heather, congrats!
Have you tried the Mormon name generator? I know it's not real or anything but your current name is pretty funny :)
Thanks for the link Hagran!
27. PJ said:
My family's karma is this: out of all us cousins, the 7 boys had girlchildren (8 of them), and we girls (only 3 of us, who no longer carry the maiden name), have all the boychildren (6 of them).
The family name is no more, but the genes live on!
I almost broke the Mormon Name Generator. When I put in my full maiden name, it took about three minutes (internet cable time), and told me my name is Parkarette Christmas Holiday. What, they don't speak Polish?
28. Marie said:
Talon. Are they aware that that's french for "heel" ? If so, I hope they don't plan to move to france anytime soon, because that would be absolutely cruel.
29. dvl said:
Talon...it's like a goth version of the androgynous name "Pat"...
30. the mighty jimbo said:
ranger and talon. you just need fist, boomer and lightning, and you have yourself one helluva superhero squad right in your own family?
does your brother have any superpowers we should know about?
i just hope he doesn't get little talon a cape. cause capes are just so 1950's.
31. matt said:
OMG! Mike was right! Your site is back up!!!
YAY!
Hope you're doing well... miss you... move back here. ;]
Toodles chica,
Matt
32. Jodi said:
Kinda cool name, but some kid on a playground somewhere some year will realize that it sorta kinda resembles "tampon" ... and then the fun will really begin!
Hats off to Talon. At least he'll probably be one of a kind. The world has too many Toms, Harrys, and, yes ... Dicks.
33. jessca said:
Talon! nice! I like it. Screw the teasing elementary school peers, one day he'll appreciate having an interesting name.
34. Heather #2 said:
Dude. Heath. We're totally MeleKatherine's.
(You know most people will read that as "heeth", as in Ledger. But you and me, we're right here. WE know wha's rilly goinz on. P.S. I'm never emailing you while drunk again.)
35. Naaman said:
At least they didn't name him Naaman.
36. Keith said:
Hmmmm. Sometimes it's just fun to check out a name on a simple search engine. You never know what you might find:
The Triad Area Leather Oriented Network (TALON) is a not-for-profit pansexual organization. ...
37. Scott said:
Talon's obviously a girl's name.
I tried out that Mormon name generator and ended up with Mick BonScott Burthel which, at least to my ears, sounds more like a tribute to AC/DC than Mormon.
38. Alex said:
Felicidades Tia Dooce!
Speaking of names, is it true that the latest trend in Texas is little girls being named "Abcde" pronounced AB-Se-DEE?
God, I hope someone was just yanking my chaing and it isn't!
39. Tiff said:
No name is as bad as little cousin...Brody Lane! How awful!
40. thomas said:
omg, proof there should be some agency in charge of approving all names. that poor poor innocent child.
41. Irk said:
Alex, that totally reminds me of a Sesame Street song Gordon used to sing about a word: AB-suh-DEF-gee-JEK-ull-ma-NOP-kwer-STU-vwix-IZ. It's the most remarkable word I've ever seeeeeen....
42. Sam said:
gotta love that morman name generator: I'm Symantha MaeRinda. Bizzar.
And actually, I think it'd be interesting to have your kid named according to the LotR theme. Sad, yet interesting.
43. vee said:
talon is nothing compared to many of the names out today, although whenever I hear "talon" i automatically think of long, gaudy bright green & pink nails on some chick with big hair.
44. losir said:
well, he can always be like, "Excuse me, it's pronounced 'Tah-Long'; silent G."
45. Justin said:
If I'm saddled with "Ranger" to live up to (and play on, apparently), I go with, in order:
1. Smith
2. Texas
3. Lone
4. Ford
5. Army
All long before I get to Talon. But that's just me.
46. Tristyn said:
If it is any consolation, my mother's friend suggested (a month after conception) I be named Bupinder if I was a boy and Vajaya if I was a girl.
Thankfully, my parents named me a typical British public school ponce name.
Let the ass kicking begin!
47. michele said:
Irk: I thought that was Big Bird's song!
48. e said:
at least "talon" still has some masculinity...my cousin recently had a baby boy and named him, what I thought would be spelled, "brody"...turns out she girl-ified it and now has a son named "brodie" - he's going to spend the first 12 years of his life getting his ass kicked until he wises up and gets himself a nickname so cool that people will wonder if he even has a real first name...
congrats on the new nephew!
49. Sheila said:
Talon is also a brand of zippers (good ones...always used them in 4-H).
http://tagitpacific.com/zipper_choices.html
My Mormon name: Hershella Aarikkaa
I'd like to see that on a NYC taxi cab license.
50. Sheila said:
Dooce, are those flowers scarlet pimpernels?
51. anne said:
Holy shit, I haven't heard or thought about that (yes it was Big Bird) song in more than a decade, Irk. You so just threw me back into feeling like a five year old... I had that song on a reel-to-reel.
52. Kaltighanna Starbuck said:
Is that the coolest name ever? Sadly, it is my Mormonized maiden name. I should have known better than to change it...
I'm thinking that the sort of person who names a kid Ranger is the same sort who would name a kid Major or Deacon or King. Whereas Talon?! I mean, Talon?
53. rachel said:
Ooh! Someone graffiti-ed the pedestrian sign near my workplace here in Seattle, so that it now says, "Stop! It's the CLaw." (They spray-painted the C in front of Law.) I always picture a large menacing claw, or talon, if you will, when I drive by, threatening law-breaking motorists. Looks like the kid needs a photo for his nursery.
54. SpunkyTheMonkey said:
they named him after a ship in farscape?? SO wrong...
55. Jodi said:
Upon further reflection, I have decided that his middle name should be "Ted".
Talon Ted.
Say it aloud for maximum impact.
56. james said:
don't worry, talon is not the worst. nope, the worst is draven. he was my ex-girlfriend's nephew. she told me that his parents saw fit to name him after a scene in their favorite movie, 'the raven,' in which the camera pans by the mailbox out front and the name on the box says D.Raven.
57. Vera said:
I think Talon is a GREAT name. Is it pronounced Tay-lawn or Tay-len? I don't think he will get made fun of at school. Talon is no worse than Caleb or Tristan. I think all the other boys will be jealous of his name, and all the girls will want to kiss his talonous cheeks.
58. Michael said:
James, who posted above me got the movie wrong. The film was "The Crow". He is such a douche.
59. PJ said:
They apparently did not consider the fact that he will never be able to buy one of those kiddie license plates, a keyring, mug or anything else that has his name on it. The poor, poor child. My heart bleeds for him.
60. GayLynn Perthenia Marne' said:
Talon is bad but not nearly as bad as my Mormon name.
Congrats Dooce!
61. Shane said:
(Ford) Ranger, (Eagle) Talon. I see Detroit in their future...
62. Aaron said:
For all the naysayers out there I just want to add (way late in the discussion) that if a kid is going to get picked on they are going to get picked on no matter what their name is. You don't see bully victims named Robert decrying the fact that they have such a common name that causes them so much grief. At least Talon will stick out. I'm happy to say that I named my son Wisdom and I'm confident that his name will totatlly get him laid when his peers grow up enough to realize that being unique is a Good Thing. My name is Aaron and I suffered at the hand of many a bully. Sorry to blabber on so much, but I just don't like the blame-the-victim mentality surrounding the naming of children. Kids get picked on because of sadistic bullies. I guess if we just named all kids the same, say "Boy" and "Girl", all bullying would stop. Except, all the Boys would pick on all the Girls because they had "weird" names.
63. Suzyn said:
Celebrities give their kids squirrely names, i.e., Telulah, Rumer and Scout Moore-Willis.
64. owen said:
I finished metroid prime(video game) a month or so ago. dispite the pretty graphics of the over world Talon IV, I was really disappoint they made Samus Aran (the lead and only character) into a female pornstar look alike.
I was distracted by the cnn so it didn't sink in as it should.
I haven't engaged in a run of procreation yet but I plan to have my wife and myself cloned as our kids. therefore passing all our responsibilities to them and I wouldn't have to work on saturdays :(
65. Malisa said:
First, while not much of a fantasy fan, I love that series of books. So naturally I love the name Talon. Second, the mormon name thing goes on in my famiily as well. I have a sister named Emma-Lee and my son's names are Greggory and Brylan. I tried to name my sister's son John Schlong because her husband wanted the kid named after him. Baby naming is is probably the only mormon tradition I enjoy.
66. Irk said:
Oops, my bad. It was Big Bird. And I've had that song stuck in my head since I wrote that. Blarg!
67. Paula said:
Hey cool, my name is
Fauntella Birdene
68. The Drifter said:
dude, that totally beats the story about how my grandpa changed his name to that of his favorite weatherman.
69. Charles R. Kaiser said:
Dooce,
I have a friend (and I am _NOT_ making this up) whose name is Tim Wolf.
When we were kids in school the new teacher was taking attendance one day and called for "Timothy Wolf". Tim said nothing. Again the teacher called out "Timothy Wolf" because she could see 20 names on the roll sheet and damned if there weren't 20 kids in the little desks. Still no answer from Tim. Finally the teacher calls out "Tim Wolf" and Tim says "Here!" The teacher then asked why he did not answer to Timothy, and Tim replied "Because my name is Timber!"
That's right. I have a friend named Timber Wolf! I also have a friend in Sweden, and her name is Ylva. Ylva means wolf in Swedish.
Congratulations on your new nephew!
70. certified said:
Is it pronounced like the claw? I know a kid named Ta'lon and it's pronounced Taylon.
71. certified said:
And to add to the Timber story, I knew some brothers named Levi and Timber. Last name Wood. Timber freaking Wood. That name rocks.
72. chris said:
i know a guy named tallon but there's so much to pick on him about, that we don't need to use his name as bait. he pronounces it tal-on.
73. ms lauren said:
i accidentally named my son after batman. i blame it on the drugs.
74. Arthea Shambertine Crille (aka the mormonized watergirl) said:
talon, huh?
myself, i'm thinking "all the way" would have been a good name. but i guess that'd sound better if your brother's name was pluralized. (rangers all the way, ha ha.)
seriously, though, he could have named him armstrong (so appropriate) and just nicknamed him "army". appropriate, yes?!? ;)
i'm planning on torturing my kids (in, you know, ten years when i have them) with celtic names, myself. a bastard i am, maybe, but my elementary class had 4 mikes and 5 jennys, and when i got to college, there were a MILLION other girls with my name. i would like a name that sticks out, and i think i'll pass that favor on.
congrats on talon!
75. Charles R. Kaiser said:
Further to my Timber Wolf story. . .
I also have a friend named Holly. Holly Andreas. She has a birthday on October 31st. Her middle name is Wyn. Holly Wyn! That's just cruel!
76. Kate said:
Talon Ted would be the best name EVER. Hahaha!!!
77. christine said:
A Mormon family I grew up with: Dad-"K"; Mom-Frankie; kids-BoDawn (Binky) (f); Debrav (m); Rikayla (f); Dekail (m); Deffrin (m) - I kid you not. I may have the spelling wrong on a couple, but does it really matter with names like these? Wonder what ever happened to them.
78. Krichelle Cajun Rayne said:
I got the song stuck in my head now too Irk. Found myself walking around and vacuuming to the beat of a sesame street song! Great....
79. s00ka said:
congradulations, dooce! but, oh man... He should change his last name to "Ravenlocke" and then he could be Talon "Claw" Ravenlocke and run around Utah, playing dungeons and dragons with his real name...or not. ohman. i can't get over this.
80. Irk said:
I'm Aaronica Mauricette. Mormons are as bad as black folks with these names.
81. shy said:
congrats! talon is a beautifull and adventurous name!
i've just been up to my neck with baby names too...
for my baby hamster. her name is kiwi. because she looks like a kiwi when she's rolled up in a ball and sleeping.
[ahem... my story, i know, isn't as exciting as yours.]
82. kath AKA kaltighanna said:
Hey shy! MY name is kiwi! A nickname, actually. But I like that a hamster is named the same.
83. Chad's Favorite Bridesmaid said:
Looks like Auntie Dooce will have to teach him how to fight.
84. Grunt said:
A friend of mine has the last name "Geto"...and when her brother had a son, they named him Harlem Jazz Geto.
Harlem. Jazz. Geto.
85. j said:
or maybe he should just be Legolas. how cool would it be to be - Legolas Hamilton. he would SO be the king of the playground with a kick-ass name like that.
86. Magpie Serenity-Tabitha-Ann said:
congrats auntie dooce!
talon ain't so bad, really... try on Eska or Razaellan for size, and Talon seems pretty good. Although Talon Hamilton does sound like the name of a Steven Seagal character. Poor kid.
87. Lorelei said:
I agree with J. Legolas Hamilton would be a kickass name.
88. Susan said:
We have a Talon in our family too. Only she's a girl. With a dainty sister named Olivia. Poor kid.
89. Vera said:
Wow. Now that I'm hearing all these unique, totally-out-there Mormon names, I have totally decided to become Mormon.
90. patatomic said:
worst name ever:
bronze swallow
my wife dated this guy for a bit.
best porn name ever:
wayne sunset
this belongs to my friend, joe.