They're letting <i>anyone</i> write a children's book these days
I found these books in a toy store up the street yesterday and took pictures with Jon's cameraphone. Then I saw this board game:
And turned it over to find this on the back of the box:
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
1. Karen Rani said:
Dear God. Those can't be real. But the pictures look so real. Are they real? Too freaking funny. I saw a fake one once titled, "You're the reason Daddy drinks." LOL!
2. Karen Rani said:
Okay I took a closer look. I'm a tool. Photoshop City.
3. Maiken said:
What??!! Oh, no was this an early April Fools gag? I fell hook, line, and sinker! Thanks for the laughs, Heather.
4. Rosie Smosie said:
I don't beileve you...those are crazy!!! It made me laugh though which is great since I am sick right now!!
I love reading your blog I wish i could do as well as you. I have been trying to work from home sice my first child was born now she is 4.
5. laurabecker said:
oh, you had me fooled too - and laughing in horror and glee. awesome.
6. Karihun said:
ohhh those sound like some fun reads... I bet my eight month old would love them! lol
7. Mixed Up Confusion said:
The sad thing is that some of the real titles are just as bad.
8. Moxie said:
I'll have you know I am proud to have authored the 5th book. I feel it is my devine duty to shatter the illusions of parents-to-be. My new parenting book will be out soon: Stumphumpers - Explaining Amputation To Your Children
9. Lori said:
Too, too funny. People are staring at me now.
10. Jeni said:
Ha! Nice work!
Here is a real book that I found in Salem, MA at a wiccan store (that only played smooth jazz from the station MAGIC 101 - kid you not):
_The Right Touch: A Read Aloud Story to Prevent Sexual Abuse by Jody Bergsma_
This is a picture book for kids about sexual abuse with WEIRD elf-like drawings and completely inappropriate examples (e.g., The mother in the book is trying to explain to her son how sometimes there are bad touches that aren't sexual and uses this example, (paraphrased) "You know how sometimes when you're on the play ground and kids ask you to close your eyes and open your mouth and then they put a big worm in it?. . .“) AND THAT IS THE NON-SEXUAL TOUCH.
The innuendo is pretty incredible through out the book, for example the mother also says “you know how you like it when I nibble on your ear at bedtime . . . “ trying to explain a good, loving touch from an adult.
Obviously, child sexual abuse is terrible, but this book just confounds me.
11. Meepers said:
Ha! Heather! Jon! Thanks again for another laugh. Now that is Exactly what I've always wanted to see in a kids' book - a bit of reality. How about another one...
All Dogs Go to Heaven...Fido Just Took the Bus
Or ... One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Dead Fish
That's NOT a Wocket in Uncle Charlie's Pocket
Oh, the Places You'll Go! (As Soon as Mommy finishes her 13th Manhattan)
Green Eggs and Ham (Come From Sick Cows and Chickens)
12. JC said:
nicely done.
13. Hannah B. said:
And in the dictionary next to gullible you'll find a picture of me.
14. Hannah B. said:
And in the dictionary next to gullible you'll find a picture of me. I was thinking, "WTF?!" Thank goodness for comments.
15. Lisa V said:
I have the prequel to "I lost my Dad..." it's called "I Lost My Mom to Strip Club Where She Found Herpes."
16. Lisa V said:
I have the prequel to "I lost my Dad..." it's called "I Lost My Mom to Strip Club Where She Found Herpes."
17. duchessjane said:
Brilliant! I love it. Although I do agree with the previous comment that some real titles are just as bad.
18. Lisa V said:
Jesus only morons hit post twice.
19. omar said:
Someone really should write that syphilis book. Gotta be a market for it somewhere...
Hey, didn't it used to say "copyright 2001-2006 Heather Armstrong" in your footer?
"Armstrong Media, LLC"? Is this what the lawyer was about? Did you already tell this story and I missed it?
20. Chickie said:
"I Lost My Dad To Syphilis" really helped me get through a trying time.
21. angrykeyboarder said:
These are the funniest damm things I've seen in a while.
Where on earth (in Salt Lake I'm assuming) did you come across them? :-)
22. Gora_Kagaz said:
haha...those are funny!
23. Kristine said:
LOL!!
And hate mailers pick on YOU?
Okay, so which one did you buy??
24. mayberry_blonde said:
awesome
25. Kristine said:
Nooooo. not fair. IT IS NOT APRIL FIRST YET!
26. Vaguely Urban said:
Awesome. They remind me of that old SNL sketch about the new line Hallmark cards for every occasion/sentiment.
My favorite: "I'm Sorry Your Daughter's A Lesbian"
27. jes said:
I totally think you're lying. Please purchase copies and send them to me.
28. Vaguely Urban said:
Awesome. They remind me of that old SNL sketch about the new line of Hallmark cards for every occasion/sentiment.
My favorite: "I'm Sorry Your Daughter's A Lesbian"
29. Kate said:
Hah! You funnay.
30. Giselle said:
I need that last one for my library. Maybe it would give the teens something to do besides make babies in the bathroom stalls.
And I'm only half kidding.
31. BigA said:
At last - evidence that God isn't sleeping on the job.
32. communicatrix said:
Hoo boy, did I need a laugh.
Congrats on the LLC. WRITE IT OFF, BABY!
33. Angela said:
I wish I actually had those books, they would be great coffee table books for cocktail parties with all the other parent friends. We would pee our drunken selves!
On another point; I too was wondering about the "ARMSTRONG MEDIA, LLC". Is this what the lawyer was about or are you still not able to "comment"?
Thanks for the laughs Heather,
Angela
34. AndiMac said:
Heather, you are a tad bit early for April Fools....But this was funny as hell
35. fixedupgirl said:
Oh, the joys of Photoshop!
We have a nickname is my circle of friends for people who are uncannily talented with the program: Adobic Photoshopper.
I think you might qualify. :)
Keep up the antics...
And I wonder what we'll learn next about "Armstrong Media"...
36. Donny said:
These books can't be serious? Those are some really weird titles.
37. Libby said:
My son received "What Colour is your Underwear" as a gift, and I can promise you that it is not even remotely pornographic. (It is, however, a pop-up book, which has barely survived my son's sticky fingers and overy enthusiasm.)
38. Strizz said:
huh?
39. Heather said:
Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. :)
40. supermom_in_ny said:
OMG! What the? I don't understand what the publishing companies were thinking?!
I lost my Dad to syphilis? Your really my daughter, son? That's just sick! There are so many people out there with great ideas and these people get their books published???????
41. supermom_in_ny said:
OH GREAT! YOU GOT ME! OK, APRIL FOOL'S ...I GET IT!!
42. Angela said:
Quick to catch on SUPERMOM_IN_NY...you almost made me laugh more than Heather's Post. Thanks
43. Chloe said:
I fell for it, too. It's not April Fool's Day yet, you know!
I have a new window open to do a search for the books on Amazon. I was going to check and make sure these books existed. And then I'd probably put them on my wishlist, because I need to know how to best explain to a child that they're a boy though they've been raised as a girl.
The truly tricky thing you did here was start out with "What Color is Your Underpants?" because that actually sounds like a possible children's book to me. Everybody poops, after all. But Losing a Dad... to Syphilus? And does the copy of the book behind it say "I Lost my Dad to Gonorrhea", based on the three letters visible below it?
Dude. I got pwned.
I kind of love you now.
44. islaygirl said:
someone's been playing with her photoshop skills ....
45. Mary Craig said:
Geez, you'd think they would have asked for permission before they made a boardgame out of my life.
46. Peggy said:
Do you really expect us to believe that those books aren't right out of Leta's very own library?
Priceless. Think you can pick me up a copy of the Joys of Children ... and other lies?
47. Jennifer in Kansas City said:
I thought for certain we'd see the Dooce version of "Everybody Poops...." (....But Mommy?)
;)
Love the syphilis one. Reminds me of Kramer as a med school patient with his faux gonnorrhea on Seinfeld.
48. Vickee said:
BWAA HA! At first I said "GEES!" then I said "Oh, you got me there!" out loud. My son said "Who are you talking to?" and I said "A clever girl."
These were great! And you've got so many years of truly great treasures in reading w/Leta ahead of you guys. I look forward to reading with our sons every night. Will it be one of my old favorites or a new adventure?!
BTW, I had a great-aunt Leta. She made the best darn cookies. And she was a gem! I have a tender spot in my heart for your Leta.
49. monkey said:
Jennifer in KC, that's the "tractor story" one! I LOVE IT!!!
I used to think those potty books were jokes...alas...no...
50. Torrie said:
AWESOME.
51. theresa said:
AHhahahahaha!! I love it.
52. dryad271 said:
Okey dokey, did you do these yourself, or did you swipe them from Something Awful? =) A la this or this? (warning: incredibly tasteless and funny) ;)
53. moonrattled said:
In Utah?????!!!
54. Piglet said:
Photoshop? No way. Hey, I need to borrow these for my scary commenter that was "Mother-judging" me.
55. catheroo said:
Thanks for the laugh!
I'm partial to "Everyone Poops" and "The Gas We Pass."
56. Erin said:
Hahahahahahahahahahahasyphilis.
57. Smacky said:
You totally had me going, and even my friend from a forum. Lovely job.
58. vegasandvenice said:
I was clearly aware that the color of underwear was extremely important (which is why I feel my site is so important to the masses haha!), but I could not have forseen a childrens book specifically about this very subject! However, it also took me quite a while to realize that these were fake. So what does that say about me or my Random Panty Color Generator? Sadly, a lot!
Thanks for the laugh!
59. battybeyond said:
Oh LORD. I laughed so hard. Especially at the last one. How does that game know where I came from. HOW I ASK YOU!!??
60. MissBehave said:
How very witty of you. I loved them. MORE
61. fred said:
thats.....evil. I love it.
62. karyn said:
I can't believe you - YOU, of all people - haven't found Walter the Farting Dog.
There's more than one, even.
63. Dorkette said:
What kind of "toy" store are we talking about, hmmm?
Ever heard of "Fascinations?" Otherwise, please tell me you didn't Photoshop all of this!
64. karyn said:
OK, so I just rubbed my eyes a bit - I really ought to ban myself from the computer before 7am, because those three minutes woke me up enough to read the *entire* titles of those books and, well...yeah. No more posting before 7am.
But you really ought to check out Walter the Farting Dog if you haven't already.
65. Heather said:
Oh, bloody heck!! You had me going there for a second, thanks for the laugh. I sent my husband in Iraq your website so that he could laugh, too. He really needs it. You rock!!!
66. Bill said:
Each Peach Pear Plum.
Please.
67. Everqueer said:
simply lovely.
68. tits_mcgee said:
Look, I wrote "I Lost My Dad To Syphilis" and it's a true story. I really don't understand what's so funny.
I think you all need some sensitivity training.
69. kerri said:
Where was that version of Sequence when I was bored playing the original?
70. Maya said:
Haha! That's great. I can see those books actually happening, too. Why not? Every child should know about VD!
I've been a lurking reader for quite a while and really enjoy this site, which is one of the few that really makes me laugh. Best of luck to Heather, Jon and the adorable Leta.
-Maya
71. kristen said:
I hope these are fake :(
But I do remember that first book from French class many moons ago.
72. kim from germany said:
wow, that's a joke right? daughter have i told you, ... you're really my son ??? just, ... wow.
73. Melissa said:
Brilliant. I love it. Will there be a boxed set of these? Like Boxcar Children? I would buy that boxed set.
74. jennifer said:
you totally had me until i read the comments. i loved loved LOVED the "daughter you're really my son". i am still laughing.
75. bluetoast said:
lol..i would love to see what's inside the board game.. =p
76. Lyssa said:
I just wrote an article for a German sunday paper about younger kid's sex education. And I found _very_ strange books for five year old kids. Most of them showed genitals in great detail and some even explained how to use a condon - accompanied by a drawing of how Mom puts a condom on Dad's penis.
77. HenrykM said:
Oh please.......tell me that this is a sick joke!
78. Jayseaka said:
hahaha...wtf?! this will keep me laughing all day, thanks!
79. DrKyla said:
Meepers: Ham comes from pigs, not cows. You can get green eggs by feeding alfalfa pellets to the chickens.
I bet Leta would eat green eggs and ham.
I also bet she'd eat better if she wasn't offered more and more choices at each meal. Try offering supper, and if she doesn't eat, walk away like nothing else is coming for that night, and see what happens in about 20 minutes.
80. HenrykM said:
Amen to Dr Kyla
81. Elise said:
Wonderful finds, just the thing I've been looking for, I'm heading straight to the Amazon to buy them. On the way, I'll give social services a call on my cell and have them come pick up your daughter.
And April 1 is still two days away...
82. Angellivia said:
You had me until 'You're Weird...'
I came across a real one the other cay called The Mole Who Knew it was None of His Business. I thought, hmm, a book about a nosey mole. Apparently not... business in this book meant poo. The mole who found poo in his hole and knew it wasn't his. He then went to all the other animals to see their poo to find out which animal it was. I couldn't believe it!
83. Thérèse said:
So thaaaaaat's where I can find that sort of thing. Perfect. I really need to add to my collection.
You know, these really are brilliant. Maybe not for children. Possibly. Maybe.
84. Mrs Ca said:
I think that might be the funniest thing I've seen in a long time - all of it, collectively. Some people are so creative in their own sick, demented way. It's great!
85. kidsmom said:
Where's "Walter, the Humping Dog"? (Have you read Walter the Farting Dog?, could be the one Chuck wrote about your family.)
I'm a Luddite, so it took me awhile, but that didn't diminish the laugh!
86. kidsmom said:
Where's "Walter, the Humping Dog"? (Have you read Walter the Farting Dog?, could be the one Chuck wrote about your family.)
I'm a Luddite, so it took me awhile, but that didn't diminish the laugh!
87. Samantha said:
so so sick.
I am so proud of you.
Someone has to do it.
Cheers!
88. youthinasia said:
I can't decide if it's the literalists that are making me laugh or the book titles.
Yep, wait...it's the book titles.
89. Gretchie said:
You almost forgot "The Very Hungry Caterpiller Meets Mothra"
"In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf. One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and .... pop! out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpiller. He soon became Mothra's food..."
Holy shit. I just wrote all that from memory.
90. thleen said:
So...this is what the odd children from my childhood are doing? Writing odd children's books and probably from a prison cell.
Amazon is carrying the Underwear book if you want the definitive Coffee Table Book.
Glory to the Photo Phone!
91. jacks said:
Those were hilarious!!
BTW, I LOVE the hair!!
92. Melanie said:
Nuh uh! No way! I can't believe these books/games! LOL Too freakin' funny.
93. Urs said:
i hope you take this as a compliment- you look like kiara knightly with your new 'do.
94. Maniacal said:
I had to take a double take for a sec....I like, I Lost My Dad to Syphilis....tee hee
Oh, and the pics of you and Jon are priceless.....the blurry one just makes it!
95. lauralee said:
a friend sent me this a while back and i laughed so hard i cried. love the pictures!
Children's Books That Didn't Make It:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book Of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster ...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. How To Hide Forever
23. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
24. How To Hide Forever
25. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
96. Scott Murdoch said:
These are SO well done! You guys are Photoshop MASTERS!
97. jody2ms said:
That is unreal and hilarious!
Love the photo sequence of Jon seeing your hair.
Lauralee, I got those in an email too, and LMAO.
98. Jezzie said:
"Stumphumpers - Explaining Amputation To Your Children"
by Moxy
uh.....
I would hope this is an inside joke, like, you or someone in the family is an amputee?
I have worked at a limb and brace company for 7 years so if that is the case, more power to you for making light of it, those are the patients who seem to do the best with it...
please comment again, I am really wondering.
Jess
99. rivetergirl said:
At least they are finally writing some children's books that tell the truth — instead of all that self-esteem building horse pucky.
100. Kassi Gilbert said:
My husband and I cracked up over a comediens version of "Everybody Poops"...
"Nobody Poops But You". Thanks for the giggle this morning, at least now I know my sense of humor is still intact.
101. iamchanelle said:
ah-HAHAHAHAHA!!!
*wipes away tear*
102. Huts said:
They get progressively worse as the post continues! All of this should be banned! Banned I say! Oh, wait, that makes me sound like a close-minded bigotted jerk! Guess they can stay on the shelves.
Strange indeed!
103. Jessica Bauer said:
The titles may be fakes (and hysterical), but what you say is true. They will let anyone write a children's book these days. . .
the original material girl for one.
104. JasonTromm said:
The really scary titles are the ones that are real:
"Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!"
"Help! Mom! Hollywood's In My Hamper!"
105. John said:
I think your hair is beautiful. The mirror gives a slight glimpse of the back, too. Not too many women can pull off the short in the back, longer in the front, but you do it very nicely.
It's like a reverse mullet. Business in the back, party up front.
106. Strizz said:
Love the new hair. And the blurry neck nuzzle. Dead szexy.
107. Jennifer said:
Good Lord. That's freaking hilarious.
108. eddeaux said:
Oh my word. Those were classick.
109. Heather said:
Okay, I know this off-topic but... has anyone ever told Jon that he bears a striking resemblance to former matchbox twenty guitarist, Adam Gaynor????
110. Shelli said:
I WANT THEM ALL!!!!!! :)
111. Wicked H said:
Loving the new hair Dooce. Looks great!
112. Amanda B. said:
I am hot in the pants for your new hair style.
That is all.
113. The Mighty Jimbo said:
there could be a spot for you on the daily show.
114. Zea said:
Is this a good spot to confess I actually bought my 9 y.o. son a copy of "The Day My Butt Went Psycho"?
He, however, is a graduate of Capt. Underpants University. I have a feeling Leta is going to loooove Dav Pilkey (and don't forget to check out "The Dumb Bunnies").
115. Carli said:
I want to order them all and give them as inappropriate gifts to children at their birthday parties. Maybe then I won't be invited anymore. Soo funny, happy good morning to me!
116. Teachbroeck said:
I FREAKED OUT! I love the book What Color is Your Underwear! Thought I was buying inappropriate literature. YOU GOT ME!
117. katiemagic said:
Your hair looks awesome.
118. Snickrsnack Katie said:
Oh my GOD. I totally was sitting here, mouth gaping open, in complete and utter shock as to why I had never found these awesome books! And then I realized. This HAS to be April Fool's Day two days early. My GOD Heather. You have MAD photoshop skills! Either that, or the bookstores in Salt Lake City are WAY different that the ones in Houston. I figured the only books you could find around there were the Book of Mormon and, well, the Book of Mormon.
Thanks for the laugh!
119. trevordlb said:
Okay, I rarely every say this, but I feel it's worthy: OMG!!!
120. Heather said:
Those are HILARIOUS!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!!
121. Cindy said:
My first thought was "Boy, am I out of the loop of childrens book nowadays..."
My second thought, after the lightbulb went off in my head was, "Boy, I wish I could photoshop like Heather!" :-)
Thanks for the laughs today (and always)! Happy April Fool's!
Cindy
122. LJH said:
Heather, I just wanted to say I absolutely LOVE your new haircut. You are just one of those women who look good no matter what their hair length!!
123. Erik said:
wow, i'm an idiot. i sent that to all my friends saying, "i can't believe this!!!"
they were all like, "erik, it's photoshopped."
124. schloobie said:
Preetttty sneaky, sis! (To quote an old Connect Four commercial). Good Photoshopping.
125. joy said:
finally, a book i can use to speak to my child about gender confusion....
126. m@ said:
hmm, i guess 'You're Weird' had its cover changed since I sent it from the publisher -- it was supposed to be a book about politics. psh, crazed children's publishers wastin' my flavah....
127. Jason said:
Brilliant! Wish they were real, I'd love to get some and leave them places...like at the doctors office :P
128. cali said:
huhuhu.
129. RzDrms said:
are you blonde again?! last time you went away from blonde, you said it was the last picture we'd ever see of you blonde. i hope you're blonde again though. you look SO PRETTY that way (but, of course, gorgeous with darker hair too, but the blonde...H-O-T!). :)
130. wealhtheow said:
LOVE the hair! Also, I would dearly love to send some of those books to some of the more neurotic mothers I know, especially I Lost My Dad to Syphilis.
131. nicolelise said:
hair is beautiful!
i feel a little sketchy noticing this, but...is that st. ives apricot scrub i see in your shower? is jon exfoliating now?
132. susan @ yow said:
Those are hysterical! Thanks for the laugh.
133. Holy Schmidt! - Melanie said:
Holy shit, I needed that! Thank you for keeping me insane.
134. veg4me said:
If a book was written about my neighbors it would be called The Runaway Bunny left home because a Very Hungry Caterpillar crawled into his father's head and made him demented enough to spend their earnings on strippers at his lunch hour playing Pat the Bunny.
maybe the new hairdo is photoshop trickery as well...
135. ErinMqt said:
Some other classics from an old email forward (when forwards were still good):
"Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Microwave Games"
and
"Daddy Left Because You're Bad"
136. Sonnet Blanton said:
Heather's hair = hotness.
137. tksinclair said:
Your hair is amazing! It looks just like that model - Sienna Miller (I think?!?!). It's fresh, youthful and incredibly sexy!
138. kerri said:
Yeah, me, too! Have to get in on all of this hair complimenting. It's adorable! And Jon's t-shirt is awesome. I remember laughing when I saw that t-shirt featured on Preshrunk awhile back.