Well said. I think that's a perfectly reasonable, respectable answer to a question that might have become uncomfortable.

I can't imagine any member of your family being offended by your response, because it's obvious that you took great care in choosing your words and that you care about them very much. Dealing with religious issues, especially denouncing your family's religion, is a huge deal. Although I'm only 18, I've already been to hell and back as far as gaining respect for my beliefs, and only my immediate family knows about it! Your effort is commendable and heartfelt, and I can only hope someday that I will be so gracious.

I know you'll get trash about your gay marriage POV, but I want to thank you for saying it anyway. You have no idea how much it aches inside when someone tells you your sexuality doesn't deserve rights- that it, for all intensive purposes, doesn't really even exist. Thank you for believing what you do- I think you are very courageous to have such different views from the rest of your family and still love and respect them. It's a refreshing concept these days to think that different people can get along.

very well said!

I'm just not sure why it's neccessary that we see Bill Paxton's buttocks so often! And yet ... that doesn't stop me from watching.

I read a great book a few months ago -- "Leaving the Saints: How I Lost the Mormons and Found My Faith" by Martha Beck. Compelling stuff.

Heather:

Thank you for a thoughtful post. I was wondering aloud with friends today what you thought of Big Love. My husband and I (not Mormons) have suffered through the first three episodes saying "THREE" how the hell do you deal with all that turmoil. No thank you - I couldn't be that devout to chocolate cake and I LOVE chocolate cake. I'm impressed you did not mention Chloe Sevfugny being born to the part. Funny, you don't get a lot of lead actresses who bring their own wardrobe. Best regards from Boston!

I really enjoy Big Love and think it is a really well done entertaining show. I think it does a good job- and will continue to explore the way polygamy really can exploit women. I think the question will ultimately be did Bill's wives have more choice and respect than the women in Juniper Creek. I am fascinated by it (and post about it every week) because it is so different from my experience. Just like Sopranos.

I live in Idaho, I grew up in Idaho Falls and some of my family are LDS. I always see all the nods to Mormon theology and lifestyle, even while Bill and the wives distance themselves from it.

The first week I posted about it I felt odd, because I felt like in some ways it was mocking things people I respected held dear (Like temple marriage).

Your perspective is interesting and heartfelt. I hope your family understands.

It sounds like all of you have developed a mutually respectful space around the "hot" issues. I know that in my family (siblings & parent), there are some areas that I just avoid just to keep the peace and keep the ties. Otherwise, we would have all gone in our opposite directions a long time ago. The family connection is worth caring for if at all possible.

I think you're dead on. It's fine for consenting adults to do pretty much anything, I think, as long as they're not hurting anyone.

That said, I can't imagine sharing my partner with someone else on varying nights. And why is it the women are always getting the raw deal?

Sigh. Religion.

I live in Utah and my primary issue with Mormonism has to do with their views of women. I cannot participate in anything that will not allow me to hold any of the top "offices" simply because of the fact that I am a woman--no other reason. I just can't.

Speaking as a lesbian, who moved to Canada for love, and is now in a totally legal marriage: Equal rights rock!

We've been married over 2 years now, and society has not crumbled. Our rights are protected and respected.

Canada does a lot wrong, but they got this one right.

I have been reading your site for a long time and have never posted before. After reading this post I just had to. I share much of the same background as you do and I left the church for this same reason (among others). I just wanted to say how much I admire your decision to speak so openly, it is not an easy thing to do. My family can not understand why I left and they are so worried I won’t be a part of their eternal family in the Celestial Kingdom. I am not worried, I am married to a wonderful man and we have two beautiful boys and that is all I really need. Thank you for being so honest.

Possibly interesting article on practical distinctions between homosexual marriage and polygamy:

http://www.slate.com/id/2138482/?nav=mpp

Upshot: The standard two-person relationship isn't arbitrary; it's based on human nature.

Why? Jealousy, of course!

My husband and I are both watching BigLove. The acting is good, and the whole polygamy angle is certainly provocative.

HOWEVER, aside from the disturbing site of Bill Paxton's buttocks (way too much exposure there) in almost every episode, there is also this disturbing element of the sheer submission involved in the characters' fourway marriage. Maybe its the whole Hollywood drama thing, but these women are either:
a) squabbling over who gets to have sex with this guy on what night of the week
b) asking him for more material possessions, because the other wives' have this or that (car, furniture, etc)
c) ridiculously gushing over this man, who when they are having a bad day, offers to "bless" them

Absent from this potrayal of polygamous marriage are the children and their relationships with their parents. Both the women and the husband seem more concerned with extricating themselves from the sexual pitfalls of the marriage, than they are about spending quality time with their like 10 or so kids!

I totally agree with you that the particular dynamics of any marriage should be legal for consenting adults. But there is just something in the whole paternalistic arrangment that fundamentalist polygamy supports that really makes my teeth itch.

My sister converted to Moromonism before she married her husband. Although I gave her a few pot shots (as is my right as family) we all respected her decision. She has been married now for over five years and I have learned a few wonderful things about her religion, and a few not so wonderful things. One of my biggest complaints is that if you are not Mormon, you tend to get put on the back burner. Her church comes before her non Mormon family many times and that hurts. I didn't get to see her get married because I wasn't mormon, nor did other relatives that were because they were not at the level that allowed them into the temple. During the holidays, it's always a fight for her to get to spend time with me, that hurts too. I guess in the end, I can't condone a religion that puts it's church before the blood family. Maybe it's just my sister, but i've seen it with other people and I just can't agree with it. We grew up believing blood came first, I still believe that...I just wish my sister did.

I was one of the many who emailed you about your opinion on the show.

I too was raised in the Mormon church and left in my late teens/early 20s for the specific reasons that you stated. Namely:
1) I realized my opinions were too liberal to belong to the Mormon church, and
2) I couldn't stand the way women in the church were relegated to second class citizens.

My mother fell away from the church when she & my dad divorced (I was 14) and she was completely ostracized by our ward. Of course, Dad was never judged that way.

My dad and my sister stayed in the church and had total faith that if my testimony were true I would one day return.

I carried with me the church's party line on things like polygamy for the longest time. ("God commanded it to help replenish the Mormon population; there were many more women than men b/c the men were all being persecuted and killed; the Mormon church no longer believes in that practice.")

It wasn't until years later that I started reading some web sites that published truths behind Mormon philosophy. Like that the church leaders never gave up on the idea of polygamy and they DO belive that it will exist in the afterlife and they're just marking time while the US govt. prevents it.

It makes me sick. It appalls me that my parents fell for all that. I haven't watched the show (don't have HBO), but I can relate to how it made you feel ill. And yet I'm strangely attracted to news and information and stories about the church. I suppose it's a curse those of us recovering from Mormonism are doomed to live with.

By the way - SHS was waaay better than Stretch Armstrong dammit!

I also grew up Mormon and left it while in my 20's. While my dad, step mom and brother are still devout mormons, my mom lead the way out of the mormon church. She was the one who took all the abuse from her family. To a sister who said "it would have been easier for me had you died" to cousins who uninvited her to family celebrations. Today things are better among my mom and her family, but I will forever be grateful and proud of her courage to stand up for what she believed. My departure from the Mormon church was much more silent, and like you Heather, it's rarely talked about. Moving 2500 miles away hasn't hurt things. But someday I'll return to live in Utah with my daughter and it will again be a topic, of which we won't discuss along with money and politics!

Good for you. I was not raised Mormon myself, but one of my very best friends was, and she, for awhile anyway, attempted to leave the church. That didn't last long. During her years of questioning I read a great deal about the LDS faith and often asked her these types of hard questions. I always received the same rehearsed replies.

I know what you are doing is difficult for you, but it is important, and I think you are doing a fabulous job.

I live in Northern Utah so it is a bit more liberal here than in Happy Valley. I am not LDS, but my husband was on the High Council and his dad was a bishop three (3) times. My husband's family is lovely and they accept me fully, even though they know I will never be LDS. My husband teases me that I am more Mormon than he is; I am always baking and taking people food. I figure they know that I am so hard headed there is no use trying to convert me, they will just wait until I die and do my Temple work later. I tease my husband and tell him that when we die if he ends up on the Celestial level and I am down in the Terrarium (mistake intentional) level that he had better not plan on coming down and having sex with me, I will be partying with the rest of the bad boys. We are able to tease about some of the very things that make the religion so unacceptable to me. My husband is a stronger Agnostic than I am but we just do not talk about it with his family.

I have not watched the show. I have HBO and I need to record it to take to an LDS friend without cable. Maybe I will watch it when I record it. I don't know, I feel so conflicted about it.

There are so many contradictions in the church, like there are in every church. I am glad you have found a way to work things out with your family. I thought your thoughts on the show were very good and very well stated.

Blessings to you and yours.

Brenda

...still not sure what I think about the show. The hubs and I watch it like you would a train wreck...

I thought you handled this subject with grace and dignity to all parties involved. Bravo!
a.

This was such a nicely-put post! I admire you for standing up for your beliefs to your family, the people who love you most. That can be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. That takes strength. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Great post, and I see no reason why your family should be offended- in fact, I would think your mother at least would be proud of you.

My point of view is that ANY religion that tries to take away rights of other people is not OK with me.

Perhaps this is why I haven't been to any religious ceremonies in a while, yet I will worship the chocolate bunny in a few weeks. Hypocritcal? Perhaps, but there's chocolate involved at least.

Thanks for your post.

I appreciate your perspective very much.

I, too, have a Mormon family and a Mormon heritage, and I LIVE with my parents at the moment (let's just say BAD TIME - unemployment, dissolution of marriage). They really are very respectful (and I try to be, as well), but I think somewhere in the back of their minds (especially my Father) I will someday "come back to the fold." This is compounded by the fact that my name is still on Church records. I never cared one way or the other about my "name" on the records, but I finally had an LDS friend explain that it's not just my "name" - that people take "stewardship" of any official member - "inactive" or no, very seriously.

I had considered removing my name from the Church records (not to be acrimonious or bitter); I just finally came to the point where I just knew I was never going to go back. I didn't think it would shock my Parents too much: I lived with my husband for seven years before we actually married (eloped - $10 in Colorado and you can conduct your very own wedding - so we were married in bed - GOOD STUFF), I've had a long-time association with the First Unitarian Church (downtown Salt Lake) and its choir until recently (mental health leave, I like to say) - we even had a belated wedding party there, complete with sumo wrestling in the "little chapel," live music (with hidden booze for the bands that my brother was not supposed to find - alcoholic tendencies - but he did anyway and so did an old friend of mine who gets increasingly CRAZY as time passes and who hit on every man there (single or not) and a portion of the women), cotton candy, "favors" from Archie McPhee (you know - that OLD wedding tradition of Chinese food containers with rubber slugs or whatnot), the tables were covered with paper and crayons were available for all willing artistes. And I am an "Ordained Clergy Person" of the Church of Spiritual Humanism (I did that so I could officiate at one of my brother's weddings - he's the one with the nose for booze - we're the only progeny out of five who aren't avid Mormons).

So now my husband and I have been "separated" for several years (though he's "through") and everything that could go wrong with the health of my family and friends and me pretty much has.

Sorry. Garrulous disorder. No cure. The crux of the LAST paragraph is this: Now I feel hesitant to take my name off of the Church records because my Father has terminal cancer, and though I will not lie to him and pretend to become "newly faithful" or any garbage like that, I feel like it would be cruel to deny him the comfort of his personal beliefs that my inclusion on the Church records somehow protects our family in the "afterlife." I don't know.

I have seen previews for "Big Love," but my folks don't have HBO, so I've not watched it. I would probably have a hard time with it. On the one hand, I like to maintain that ACTUAL adults (not TEENAGERS or GLORIFIED CHILDREN who've been indoctrinated and brainwashed all their lives) can do whatever they want with their sexual lives or their living arrangements. However, I know that the reality of polygamy is usually very much like what I just said parenthetically. I do have polygamist ancestors; at this point I don't think I can criticize whatever they were asked to do when it was historically accepted. I WILL say that I SURE AS HELL COULD NEVER, EVER HANDLE IT. A one on one relationship is HARD ENOUGH. If it were not, I might, perhaps, be living in the house that my someday erstwhile husband is buying instead of in my parents' basement.

Embarrassing factoid: I found out this year that I have the very dubious honor of being related to that crazy son-of-a-bitch, Warren Jeffs. Technically, I think, his grandfather was my great-great uncle (perhaps another great?). Oh yes - and it was my parents' 40th Wedding Anniversary last fall (which we celebrated with much hoopla because the truth of it is they probably won't get to have their 50th), and in attempting to locate the original wedding party, we discovered that my Mother's maid of honor is now a polygamist living in the infamous Colorado City. My Mom said she'd have been much less surprised to hear that her maid of honor was now a lesbian. I certainly think that's the far superior option.

I grew up with many Mormon friends (there just happened to be quite a presence in the small town I grew up in), and as an adult was surprised by the generally incorrect ideas that are harbored about the religion by those who have not had contact.

I have had conversations with friends who grew up in DC or Louisiana explaining that no, all Mormons do not have to wear dresses, that some of the women do show their arms in public, that they don't practice polygamy, etc.

I was raised Lutheran, and am still practicing, but i found myself defending many of my Mormon friends. They were viewed as 'freaks' or something. Bothered me.

My aunt lives in SLC, is not Mormon, and has seen the negative side first hand, though. I've seen a few comments about it in these comments, but most of the women in her neighborhood will not ask her over for tea because she's indicated that she has no intention of converting. I feel badly for her.

My point, I suppose, is that I agree with you, and worry a bit about the negative impact that Big Love will have upon some very good and kind people who practice Mormonism.

I have been waiting to hear from you on this topic, Heather. Thank you for your post.

My reaction to Big Love was totally different. I found myself thinking, "Wow, I can see why these people would choose this life."

For one thing, the husband takes his conjugal duties very seriously, and makes sure (or tries to make sure) that he gives each wife equal attention. Each one of Bill's wives gets more attention from her husband than I do from mine.

They all seem like upstanding, honest people who are committed to their family and their faith. I really like them -- well, all except for Nickie and Roman.

Plus, I really like having other women as friends, and I could see how wanting to have other adult women as life companions could affect a heterosexual woman's desire to be in a polygamous arrangment. (One of the things that frustrates me as a straight, married woman is how my relationships with other women are always forced to take backseat to my marriage -- even though women can give me a lot of things that my husband cannot.)

But then, I still haven't seen last night's episode, so maybe that'll totally change my feelings.

I'm so glad you shared your views. I've been curious about your journey out of LDS.

Heather,

I became a fan and reader of your blog while struggling through the beginning stages of own exit from the Mormon faith. From some of the stories you have shared, our paths have had some similarities, and reading your experiences have served as a therapy of sorts for me through the rough patches. It feels so good to not feel so alone! And reading blogs is so much cheaper and accessible than actual professional treatment.

So, while I read your reaction to Big Love I smile. I turned in for the first episode, and I haven't been able to turn back since. It was painful. My body ached and recoiled with emotion and disgust. Entertaining for the friends who were present... but not so cool for me. Why?

Because for me it was all too real. And scary as hell. Why? Because of the deceit of the Mormon Church. While, yes, Mormons do not PRACTICE polygamy, they do regard it as a Celestial Law. Meaning? (To me) *You* have to accept it to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. All the BS that I was feed as a child about it being a woman’s “choice” to partake in it was a joke. Yea, your choice my leg – I realized that I was going to be safe from having to make that choice only as long as the Mormon Church continues under its current policy of placing American Law above God’s Law (I can easily see this changing). And once legal, or once the Millennial Reign begins, and God’s Law is once again ‘established’, choosing not to will then again be one and the same as choosing the Natural Man, and buying your exit ticket from Heaven. (See treatment of those early Saints who rejected it to see where I am going here). What scared me, and still concerns me a great deal, is how little this was understood by most of my fellow member friends and family…. There was no way in HELL polygamy was ever going to be acceptable or plausible for my life… so this was yet another reason I knew I had to make my exit.

I want to get more into the deceit, but it might be a little off-topic. Let’s just say the hypocrisy has scarred my life in more ways that one – so I have no doubt that if I was to remain a True Believer, my fears above would have been proven well founded.

And just an aside – maybe some other Recovering Mormons can relate - A very small part of me still fears that it may all be true. What if those crazy Mormons have it right and I do need to be one of many wives to be accepted of God! The horror!
Mormon Dogma is one tough bitch to flush from a brain. Am I right? Even when ridiculous, ludicrous, and absurd.

I live in Idaho Falls, am not Mormon, but watch with horrified facination, wondering what the Mormons are gonna do about such a show! I'm surrounded by Mormons and don't like the fact that I can't even exercise without hearing the other ladies talk about what seems to me, their submissive lives.

You posted beautifully.

i dont get HBO :(

I've been watching Big Love too, and there is just no way I could deal with being one of multiple wives. I think by nature, women are competitive enough...add in sharing a husband, and I see nothing but heartache.

I come from a long line of Mormons, and my great-grandfather was the last to have two wives. I was absolutely mortified to read in one of many handy dandy geneology books that he was courting wife 2 while wife 1 was pregnant with my great-grandfather. My grandfather was the only one of his family to leave the church, much to the chagrin of my great-grandfather, who was a bishop at the time. That was a rift that took a long time to heal.

Our family reunions are great. On one side you have the drinkers and heathens, and across the room there is a line of frowning Mormons. Since I love nothing more than to torture relatives that think I'm not going to be allowed in whatever heaven, I let my bleeding heart liberal views out as loudly as possible.

Big Love is so much more about gay marriage than about polygamy. How pathetic that polygamy is a more acceptable topic for exploring human relationships and bigotry than same sex relationships. Personally, I can kind of see the sister-wife thing; the competition keeps each relationship fresh. And attraction the attention of a powerful man who is more than ready to commit, it's pretty sexy.

Heather, i thought that your post was very clear and concise. You obviously have thought a lot about what this means to you and how it would effect your family by discussing it in the blog. I commend you on being so honest and still protecting the feelings of those that you love. That's something I need to work on in my own life, but you did it so well. I watch Big Love, but don't delve too deeply in to it - it's a tv show people, not a documentary. I have read other boards where people are confused that this family is Mormon and not a splinter group, and I would hope that by the third episode, it is now clear. I also didn't know about how being sealed in the temple and then divorced has more ramifications on the woman than the man.... almost like she is being "punished" for not keeping him happy... Very interesting. I'm agnostic, but like learning about every other religion, in case I might have a revelation. Again, thanks for a great post.

I think this is one of my most favourite posts of yours. It's deep and thoughtful and something I can talk about in class tomorrow. I agree with your opinion 100%, and I'm not one to agree with people about stuff -- I'm a big arguer. But anyway, I'm glad that you are so civil and at the same time, stand up for what you believe in. You're a true role model. Thank you, Heather.

I'm a Seinfeld Jew. That means that I'm a cultural, but not religous jew. I'm also reading your blog from New York (city) and I feel like I'm looking through a window into another world. We're not exactly afraid to voice our opinions out here so I'm always surprised when I note any hesitance on your part to speak your mind.

The city is gritty, it's big, and it can be confusing, But for the most part, New Yorkers tend to get along. After all, we all have to ride the subway together.

Personally - could I share my spouse or partner with someone else? Noooo. Do I understand how other women could choose that lifestyle? Not at all. However, do I care if other people want to live that way? Nope, not at all.

I too was raised in a religion whose tenants I found that I could not adhere to as an adult. I have yet to find one that feels good and natural to me, so I just work on my own concept of spirituality- however limited that may be.

I think that you have expressed your views about your former faith in a very respectful manner. Personally, I don't see how we as hairless monkeys can grow spiritually if we don't ask a lot of questions, and ultimately find our own path.

As always, you're just so right on. We have the same stupid rule in the jewish temple...until we've gotten a proper divorce under jewish law, my ex-husband and I aren't supposed to marry again (thank goodness I'm not marrying a jew this time!) If that weren't bad enough, technically, I'm not even supposed to marry someone from the same TRIBE of jews as my ex...wtf is that? My aunt went through the "jewish" divorce and the minute the papers were officially signed and accounted for, she was treated like a pariah by the very rabbi who'd been so helpful and encouraging all along.

Organized religion kinda blows.

I SO knew it was pronounced like Pita!

And thanks for the props about supporting Narda's and my right to marry.

In the Orthodox sect of our religion, a woman must get a "get," or a Rabbi-sanctioned divorce as well.

Needless to say, we are not Orthodox, although we are very observant.

Okay, I realize that this comment most likely will not even be read, but I had to make it, considering that one of my heroes has just talked openly about an issue I feel strongly about.
I agree wholeheartedly that it is biased to deny to homosexuals the same rights we give freely to heterosexuals, regardless of how flippantly or seriously they happen to regard it. However, when I bring this up, most people will reply with "Should we allow a person to marry their dog?" When I explain that a dog can't sign a consent form agreeing to get married, they ask "Should we allow mothers and sons to get married? Or fathers and daughters?"
Now, this question is a bit more tricky. The government has of course laws against incestual marriages; however, if they are both consenting adults, what difference is there from a marriage between two homosexuals, or a polygamist marriage? Most of my ethical beliefs are strongly against any sort of incestual marriage; however, if I can't follow through on my argument for marriage between consenting adults, regardless of sexual preference, I can't allow myself to make the argument.
Mrs. Armstrong, if you happen to read this comment, would you mind letting me know how you would respond to it?

Your eloquence continues to floor me, whether you're talking about constipation or a topic as thought-provoking as this. I'm not really that into blogs, but I find myself checking your site daily. Thanks for writing. I'll keep reading, not only because I enjoy your work, but also because I'm hoping your ability to express yourself so clearly will rub off on me.

very well said.
while i never was a part of the LDS church directly, my neightbors all my life (till i was 18) was a mission home. families rotated in and out of that house every 3 years and some of the families were really great. we enjoyed having them as neighbors. but regardless of what kind of neighbor they were, we could not get over they way the women and girls in the family were treated as second-class citizens for the most part. it inspired a lot of conversation between my mother and myself, and i think ultimately, the role of women in organized religon being what it always has been, and probably always WILL be, is what turned me off from religon as a whole.
but i never did get over that harsh realization that this was OK with them. i'm not sure if its because this is all these women had ever known, or if they simply took this treatment out of obligation to the church or what. i saw what the males did and how they acted and what they were allowed to get away with, and the double-standards sickened me.
i can understand not wanting to open up this can of worms with the people you love most, but i think ulitmately if you feel so strongly about something, you cnnot keep it held in. i applaud you for crossing into your "uncomfortable zone".

I was wondering how long it was going to take you before you had the urge of talking about this. I can imagine is a very touchy subject for you and your family but I appreciate that you are brave enough to show us where you stand. At least I feel like I understand much better now; better than just watching a show where the only purpose is to keep people watching while the husband has sex with his three wifes on a daily basis.

I grew up as a Bible Church Christian. My husband and I always had nagging questions we couldn't answer adequately within that church. We found Orthodox Christianity and converted to that. It has been painful as my family is clearly worried about me and my children. Even though it has been a difficult road, it has been strengthening to confront questions and do something about them. Even though I'm a stubborn, opinionated woman, I have begun to understand that I don't have to agree with or understand EVERYTHING that happens or is said in the church to appreciate the beauty that can be found there. At the same time, I understand that there are some things that a person might not be able to live with and it's important to figure out what you are willing to ignore. While I empathize with the collective sigh I hear on this comment board about the mess that "Organized Religion" is, I hope that everyone doesn't give up on it. Our church leaders always say that the church is a hospital for us sinners. So, it makes sense to me that there are some problems within a hospital that is run by sinners for sinners, but my family is so nourished spiritually by it, anyway, with all of its human failings. I think it is only by God's grace that churches survive at all.

Anyway, I am so bummed that I didn't get to see you while you were in Austin, but it looks like you had a good time anyway. Loved your Shoshon entry. Leta sounds so cute! After reading your praise to your househusband, I told my daughter that I hope she marries someone like her dad or like Jon! Thanks for blessing my days with your writing.

Brava to you, dear Heather, for your candor and honesty. Although I was raised in a moderate Protestant household, I also came to reject organized religion of any kind because of the various hypocrisies that almost always seemed to arise. For example, when I was 18 my first serious boyfriend was a born-again Christian, as was his mother. He was a sweet, loving, non-judgmental boy who in my opinion was a perfect example of Christianity at its best. His mother, on the other hand, seemed to find it hard to practice as she preached, and called me every filthy name in the book, despite the fact that she never took the time to get to know me as a person, simply because I was 18 and he was 16 and she suspected we were having sex (we were). More "sins" are committed in the name of "religious faith", including the taking of human life, and yet people hide behind their religion to justify their behavior or point of view as the "right" one.

But I think you can love God and be loved by God without having to be in a religion. I don't think we need anyone to tell us what kind of relationship we should or shouldn't have with God. And in the deepest part of my soul, I know that God is not this being who is sitting there in judgment of all of us or planning to send us to hell (which I also don't believe in) or any of the bad, scary things many of us were taught to believe in as part of "religion". God is love. And that is enough for me.

My mother, on the other hand, has a very hard time with me saying "I don't consider myself a Christian" and never wanting to go to church... yet she only goes to church herself about once or twice a month. Where's the logic in that? We tip-toe around the differences in our beliefs so that we can peacefully co-exist but if I ever really let loose and told her the full extent of my opinions, chances are she'd have a hard time speaking to me again after that.

So, I fully appreciate the delicate balance between expressing your opinions publicly because you feel the need to speak your truth... and not wanting to go out of your way to hurt your loved ones. I'm walking that tightrope myself more and more with my own blog, which thankfully my family members only read on rare occasions and so far they have never gotten into the posts where I talk about sex, or their heads might explode.

Good for you, for saying what you felt you had to say. I learned long ago that my first obligation is to be authentic and express the truth as I perceive it, even if others don't agree or take issue. As long as I am not going out of my way to be hurtful, then I am not responsible for how other people choose to hear or react to what I say or what I believe. You aren't responsible for your family's reaction, if in fact they react negatively to this post or anything else you might say or do about your beliefs. If they get upset, that's their right and choice, but it's not your fault.

Well done!

I love the show!!! I took the classes to convert to Mormonism ( i was only 19 and confussed, very confussed) and the reason I walked away was because of the very thing you are talking about, I am a woman and so I am less worthy. I also walked away because I was raised that prejudice or racism is wrong. It is a little known fact that until 1979 African Americans couldn't go to the temple or go to BYU (the mormon university). This changed in 1979 and immediatly they allowed African American students into their school. They were all basketball players, non mormons. They changed the rule strictly so they could have a better sports program at their university. I was sick to my stomach and after I gave some missionaries a history lesson I ran from the building. I can't understand a religion that can practice such obvious hate.

Thank you for your thoughts. Records like this are important so multiple views of a controversial subject can be seen.

Thank you for sharing.

A good primer and very interesting read on the history of Mormonism is "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer. I understand that the church told its members not to read it. It is a well-researched book. It makes me sad that the church leaders would tell members not to read it. I guess it's the same with Catholics and The Da Vinci code, although the latter is a work of fiction. I think people should read everything and make up their own minds.

I'm an ex-Mormon too, and although I have the utmost respect for the beliefs of my family members, it's not for me. I guess that's why there are so many religions in the world and I value that diversity.

However, when you grow up saying in your testimony that "I know the church is true," and then you come to realize maybe it isn't true for you, it is a very difficult decision to leave.

A couple weeks before my temple marriage last year (I was 19) my brother said, "Oh yeah, and in heaven he'll get to marry even more girls and you can all be sister-wives!"

I think my jaw dropped right there and never made its way back up again.

I am currently what they call a "ex-mormon" and have felt exactly what you have while watching big love...the overpowering urge to hurl. My stomach twists in this ugly knot watching those women see Billy go from house to house every morning.

Thank you for your post, I really admire the fact that you can still have a healthy relationship with your family even after you've left the church. It is a rare and beautiful thing to see.

It gives me hope that I might be able to have a relationship with my family again even though I don't believe in the mormon church anymore.

Gracefully and beautifully done, Heather. You may (or may not?) think you are simply putting your thoughts down on paper, but you are helping to change our world. Thank you for sharing your luminous gift; for using it to advocate for civil rights.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. My partner and I have talked about these issues pretty extensively, and I agree that on a civil rights level, there's no reason the polygamy should really be illegal. It's SOOOOO not for me, but I guess it shouldn't be illegal.

My actual problems with polygamy are twofold. First, logistically, it's a bookkeeping nightmare. How the hell do you figure out who has parental rights to who and who owns what property and who... ugh. I could give a bunch of examples, but I doubt anyone cares.

The bigger problem is what you touched on a little, which is religiously sanctioned polygamy where men have the right to multiple spouses but women don't have that same right. There's no way to prevent that if polygamy is legalized, and I don't see how legalized polygamy could lead to anything but some serious setbacks in some religious groups.

Hm. I'm done now.

Here's a totally unrelated thought: when will you have another kid? Won't you?

Excellent post! My husband and I have been watching it as well and we are un-decided on how much we like it. There is no way in hell I'd ever try and keep three wives or husbands happy. One is hard enough.

Religion in general seems very bizarre to me, so the Mormon Church is even harder for me to wrap my head around. That has a lot to do with the secular household in which I was raised. There is just something about that Mormon Mafia theme they got going that I couldn’t help but enjoy.

While they definitely don’t shine a complimenting light on the religion, I can really see the some of the characters, the oldest wife in particular, as being people that I can relate to and feel for, despite the fact that I am not a Mormon or polygamist. It seems like they all choice to be a part of that marriage, so I don't know why anyone whole feel offended by any couples decision, whether it be pertaining to homosexuality or polygamy.

The same old scenes in which the three wives are sitting around the table debating over who gets to hump Bill Paxton that night just seem incredibly unrealistic to me, a real mans fantasy in which the women are tripping over themselves to get his attention and are ready to satisfy him at every opportunity.

I still have to love HBO though for being the only network out there that seems to put anything remotely controversial or racy on TV. It will be interesting to see where the storyline goes.

Heather,
Hopefully no one in your family has been offended by your opinions. I like your response and like many others, I found myself wondering what you thought of Big Love. The extreme way the compound has been portrayed so far is a bit surreal to me and makes me wonder if that is existing in your neck of the woods.

I'm not married yet, but I can barely handle school, work, boyfriend and a cat ... 2 other wives and a husband and all the kids... I think I would go crazy! And the "Big Lie" to the neighbours. That should be interesting!

Heather,

I have been reading your site for a few months now. I'm impressed and totally jealous of your successful blogging - the kind of jealousy in which I like you and wish I had the talent to imitate you. Fortunately, I am smart enough to recognize that I am not a writer and do not try to impose it on the general public (except of course for right now - forgive me).

I was really moved by your post today. And, actually, by all of your writing regarding your decision to leave the Mormon church.

About 5 years ago, I left a small church in Pennsylvania that based itself on Calvinism. The founding of the church that is now about 10 years old, their teachings, and how I got entangled in the whole thing is a long and miserable story. I will spare you. The event was traumatic and life changing. It has led me to a continuing battle with depression. I believe now that this church is a cult because of their actions against me and other family members of people who attend this church (my mother still attends). They have monitored telephone calls, harassed me and my husband, and forced me out of college (this was when I was still a member - they literally came to my house and packed up boxes while I was not there). The leader of this group/church/cult/sect is very Roman Grant-like and the images of Juniper Creek remind me so much of their gatherings. While they don't have a commune, the Elders of the church often discussed it and planned one, discouraged anyone from moving out of the area (even if there was a church in the new locale that claimed to be Calvinistic), and a lot of the women dress in those hideous jumpers. Me? No – I am too JCrew for that kind of crap. Their actions, an analysis of their teachings, and the core underlying psychological impression of such teachings on their members have all lead me to the term "cult." Okay, so it's those items and the fact that on some level labeling it helps me to deal with its impact on my life.

I admire your ability to maintain a relationship with your Mormon family. While our situations are not exactly alike, we both know what it is like to leave a religion that people in your close family are involved with. I wish I knew how you do it. I still feel anger and pain that counseling just can't get rid of. I can't talk to my mother without remembering what she put me through. She can't talk to me without reminding me of what a "wretched sinner" I am, and how "sad" she is that I turned "pagan." Because we do this to each other, I have had to make the unfortunate decision to limit contact with her. We have not spoken for almost a year, though before that it was only a few times a year. I came to the point in which I realized that if any progress were ever to be made, we were killing those chances with mean words and too much emotion. Maybe in time we can come to some sort of understanding.

For the record, I am Catholic now, solely for the purpose of identification, though I truly believe that there is no exact fit for anyone in any religion. I am, as my mother says, "accepting of all religions, appreciative of all religions, and friendly to homosexuals and sinners, while ignoring the t-r-u-t-h of the gospel." She doesn't realize that I see that as a compliment! There are a lot of things that I disagree with the Catholic teachings on and also some things that seem to fit for me. I am skeptical of organized religion in general, but I also like h