A Necessary List of Things That Scare Me Shitless
Wednesday, March 19 2003
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Daily, Lists
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opossums
flying cockroaches
denim couches
acrylic nails
gold lam�
tornadoes
Andy Rooney
tabasco
Arkansas
black ice
anything under the hood of a car
exercise balls
swamps
TRL
Ross Dress For Less
short, stubby toes
gigantic panties
Code Red Mountain Dew
eels
wicker
treadmills
club soda
prunes
penciled eyebrows
berets
lizards
glass elevators
mushy peas
baloons
Pamela Anderson's breasts
cats in heat
swollen ankles
dentures
plaid
Willy Wonka
The Day After
- On being a better homemaker
Monday, 15 September 2008 - Duh
Friday, 12 September 2008 - Rounding out her resume
Wednesday, 10 September 2008 - Her porn star name would be Dirt Digger
Tuesday, 09 September 2008 - Newsletter: Month Fifty-five
Monday, 08 September 2008
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1. Pinkie said:
The pencilled in eyebrows look scares me too. Specifically because it makes them look like clowns and clowns scare me.
Wow, am I the first post?
2. Tim said:
But... but... the martini glasses were so sexy.
3. imjeffp said:
>balloons
>Pamela Anderson’s breasts
Isn't this redundant?
4. lordgoon said:
My ancestors in England used to eat mushy peas at least once a day, and they all seem to have turned out all right. Er...wait, though...they also used to eat 'trotters' (picked pigs' feet wrapped in terrycloth) whenever they went to the movies. Okay, so...never mind.
I'm with you about Andy Rooney. Even just watching him on TV, you can smell the formaldyhyde.
5. julia said:
my list is strikingly similar. although a couple of my items are like clusters of your items. for example: andy rooney wearing gold lame and a beret while lounging on a plaid denim couch, drinking a code red mountain dew while watching the day after while petting a cat in heat.
see? scary stuff right there.
6. ericalynn said:
I'm totally there with you regarding Willy Wonka.
7. Croz said:
How about an opossum with acrylic nails, wearing denim and lame, that had eyebrows like Andy Rooney and a hat like Willy Wonka?
Okay, that would be scary too.
8. Micheal Jackson said:
all that, and i didn't even make the list...
9. Michael Jackson said:
and i didn't spell my name right.
10. Keri said:
Do you mean Willy Wonka the character or Willy Wonka the movie? Because, you know, when they take the boat through that tunnel, that was some pretty scary stuff. But Willy Wonka himself wasn't that scary...
11. Broch said:
Ironically, most things on the list are things that one would encounter on a weekend trip to Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas, well hell, any place south of the Mason Dixon line...
12. Danika said:
Snakes
Carrot Top
13. christa said:
I'm afraid of Willy Wonka (the character) too.
14. Alex said:
- My mother's tattooed eyebrows (which are done way to high so she looks constantly surprised)
- My mother's tattooed lipliner
- My mother's constant bad perms
- Eh, what the hell, my mother!
15. April said:
Um. Okay. Stupid question. What's TRL?
16. Heather #2 said:
I make a solemn vow in front of God and all dooce.com readers never wear sandals in your presence, lest you become shitless.
17. Carrie said:
What about those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz? (shudder) Personally, I found them much more creepy than Willy Wonka, but to each her own, right?
18. The Inmate said:
1. I think it's spelled "Yuppie". As in, not like "Puppy".
2. What's up with asking for my e-mail address? I don't want to give my e-mail address to anyone. Particularly not to some of the nutcases that show up in here!
19. Bruce said:
Bushes
20. dooce said:
April: TRL is Total Request Live
Inmate: Thanks for the spellcheck.
Heather #2: I bet I would adore your fucking toes!
21. The Inmate said:
Wow that was quick. I don't expect anyone to redo graphics that fast. Hats off, Dooce. I just couldn't leave it well enough alone....glass-half-empty, overcritical bastard that I am.
22. windowsill wendy said:
anna nicole smith
spiders
'trotters'
in that order. yikes.
23. jenB said:
- tiny panties
- acid wash demin making a comeback
- any sitcom on ABC
24. Stephanie said:
Yes, yes, yes - That goddamn The Day After! If I had never seen that, I truly believe I'd be a much more carefree girl right now. I'd like to give the producers a good cockpunching random panic scenes from that movie that flash in my head every time someone tells me to "go about my daily routine".
25. rickster said:
Isn't it interestng that "balloons", "Pamela Anderson's Breasts", and "Cats in Heat" are all in a row??
26. nick said:
oh - no, don't knock the dew. code red is sweet, sweet nectar.
27. anna jr. said:
dude, i just moved to arkansas.
and it's really not so bad at all.
kind of like utah, i'm guessing.
as far as things that scare me go, the number one thing on my list is vomit.
28. Funtime Ben said:
I'm scared by the little granules on the bottom of English Muffins.
29. ms lauren said:
i'm deathly afraid of fish, eating fish, fish in fishtanks where i eat, fish touching me in the water, fish in lakes, fish gills, and fish bric-a-brac.
i can't believe someone asked what TRL is! (*flips hair*)
30. Beerzie Boy said:
People who use the word "utilize" or "plethora"
31. ms lauren said:
by the way, i can spread my short stubby toes like a fan.
it's pretty fucking weird.
32. Beerzie Boy said:
Oh, yeah. Richard Simmons.
33. black b said:
dooce, you left off those creepy bugs that your dashing husband almost ate.
bugs. all bugs. flip me the freak out.
also clowns.
34. Jon said:
On Pam's noticeable features - is that before or after the implants were taken out?
They hypnotize me, they do.
35. dayna said:
raisins.
raisins are terrifying little grape gremlins.
*eeeeek*
36. Tiff said:
That isn't really a post by Michael Jackson is it??? Holy Shit if it is...I knew you were great and popular, but the King of Pop...you the WOMAN!
37. Cyberangel said:
Leona Helmsley
38. Anne said:
I whole-heartedly agree with the acrylic nails... and I'll bet there's a host of Doocers (readers of Dooce, that is) that are shamefully off to dispose of their fake freaky nails where the evidence can't be found.
39. sourbob said:
Dooce, don't forget:
Your AP English teacher.
40. andrew said:
I saw my first opossum a year or so ago here in Chicago. Holy crap! I almost called the cops cause it was so scary ugly. Nobody warned me. And you know what's scary about wicker? Flying cockroaches can hide in them! I grew up in Hawaii and so I know...Wow I just creeped myself out remembering.
41. mervis said:
Sinking ships. Anchors.
42. jacqui said:
*shudder* gold lamé. oh my god freak flashback to tasteless 80s fashion. you are sooo right with that. and what about people who speak in "quotes"? they really need a slapping...
43. annie j. said:
The Day After should be required watching material in school.
44. Agatha said:
What about JAP-ee girls? They scare the bejeezus out of me.
45. Toby said:
My God. I'm high and totally digging your new layout. Oh man. It's like grandma's house!
46. ~Britt~ said:
Did you ever see Sixteen Candles w. Molly Ringwald?
The above artwork, I keep thinking of that line when the older sister is whacked out on valium b/c she got her period on her wedding day, and she's walking down the aisle and almost collapses on this old lady and she says "love the tea pot"
47. Naaman said:
I swear, each time my wife drags me into Ross, I want to put a paper bag over my head and grab my wooby.
48. allisonic said:
What about chenille?
49. Heather #2 said:
Dude. Britney is totally going to crawl out of the computer and lick my face.
Dooce, were you coming onto me with the whole adorable toes thing? 'Cause, like, that'd be ok.
50. Thomas said:
Hey, Broch. Here's a big "Up yours!" from everyone in Memphis.
51. Jeanette said:
Wow. You have a lot of issues! LOL! Good thing you have this site to work them all out in front of the world! :0)
52. Irk said:
From my list:
-walking on not-carpeted surfaces in bare feet
-walking on carpeted surfaces in bare feet and encountering clipped nails
53. shy said:
i'm terrfied of websites constructed in frontpage... and people who take 'married by america' seriously.
54. kath said:
A grown man typing "wooby".
Wood spiders, which you can't kill without smashing them because they can live underwater, but they'd prefer to live with you.
Beer bellies not quite covered by tight buttoned shirts.
I don't see what could possibly be necessary about flying cockroaches-- Every summer they stalk me and attack me when I least expect it. Once I was driving my dh's old pickup with very balky transmission, so I was trying to get through a crowded street without stalling, and one of those damn things flew in the window and attacked me. I almost took out a storefront..This was totally unnecessary.
Your graphics look just like the house where my father-in-law grew up, which he had to sell after his older brother died and left all his worldly belongings, which consisted of 4 million cassette tapes, in boxes all over the living room and dining room floor of the place.
55. Sheila said:
Funtime Ben: that stuff is farina. Quite harmless.
I get freaked, at night, looking out windows into the darkness beyond.... don't know what's out there....until it moves closer and it's beady (sometimes glowing) eyes are staring right at you!!
Similarly, the scene in Twilight Zone when William Shatner sees the gremlin outside his window. :/
56. Broch said:
Thomas, didn't mean to offend. I actually love the hell out of Memphis man, and I used to live in the big "D."
57. omnician said:
I think you're more prone to being scared shitless when you're shaken from the midst of one of life's pet pleasures. When I was a kid, I pulled a fresh load of clothes out of the drier. Mmmm...want to rub them on my cheek. But, suddenly, a quite heated-up roach scampers from the folds of the clothes and proceeds to circumnavigate my head and neck. I've never been the same.
Also, growing up in New Orleans I became accustomed to flying roaches and could cope as long as I knew they had an aversion to light. Along came an uber strain (kind of like the African Killer Bees) that were attracted to light! Monstrous...
Sorry for the long post, but it took me ages to read through the entire archive. Now I feel like I've earned the right to make my first post. tip of the hat to you, Dooce.
58. aria said:
aww, now i like ross. i go there to buy big ass sweaters so i can unravel them and then get pretty yarn for cheeeaaaap. and i buy high quality b-day presents there, too. cheeeaaaap.
cockroaches. and sometimes i get scared of people for no apparent reason.
59. Michele said:
Me: blimps, ants, throwing up, old men with long fingernails, denture breath, dracula hair styles and tornados. Sorry Heather,I work in a medical office so I have to apologize for my drawer of gigantic white undies!
60. burnik said:
mj scares me out
61. Minnie said:
- Butterflies
- Camels
- Monkeys and geese.
62. Don said:
Our government's rhetoric.
63. Igor said:
Pamela Anderson's breasts are hardly the stuff of nightmares :-) I'd like to take a closer look, actually ;-).
I don't scare shitless easily but I definitely don't enjoy being in a situation where I am powerless to act, either through lack of resources, strength, intelligence, by sheer physics or just because there is nothing anyone can do at all. Having said that, flying roaches seem suitably disgusting. Don't these critters have natural enemies ? Isn't fondling Pamela Anderson's mammary glands an unadulterated joy by comparison ? And by the way, isn't this page a work of art, a thing of beauty ? It's so homely.
Who agrees with me that Dooce ought to procreate and put a clubhouse of little Dooces on the planet ? There aren't nearly enough of her. And she has a big, hairy, cuddly teddybear of a man to do that very thing with to boot.
64. zchamu said:
Gin. Gin is the liquor of the devil.
65. Anna said:
At first I was thinking, "Opossums? Who's scared of opossums?" And then I remembered I have an intense fear of koala bears and so should shut the hell up.
If you didn't like "The Day After" make sure you never see "28 Days Later."
66. The Inmate said:
Worst torture imaginable: sit me through a National Geographic special on the Praying Mantis, a la Clockwork Orange. Shitless is not even in the same continent as how scared those things make me.
67. Igor said:
Inmate,
If you're about on a par sizewise for a regular member of the species I hardly think a praying mantis is going to look at you as a suitable food source.
Humans are a far scarier bunch.
68. moose said:
wild pigs
grizzly bears
tiny dogs with sharp teeth
making mistakes
throwing up
forgetting
dooce's reserved rights
just kidding
69. robley said:
i have denim couches. i didn't realize for over a year that they were denim, either. i thought they were just blue and perpetually cold.
i -did-, however, sew a motorhead backpatch onto one of the cushions.
my left ankle was also too swollen to wear a shoe for 5 months following surgery, and how i skated on it when i shouldn't have and never went to physical therapy.
FEAR ME GODDAMNIT.