Exclamation point, Late Winter Edition
I was all set to sit down and write a lengthy treatise on the sinusitis that has paralyzed the entire right side of my face, and maybe draw a picture for you of the x-ray that showed how my maxillary sinus is filled to overflowing with goo. My doctor acted giddy when he saw the x-ray, flew open the door to the room and said THIS IS SO COOL. Which, okay, I guess I don't hear that every day, thanks for appreciating the beauty of my infected sinus recess. I have worked very hard on it.
But then I got a thoughtfully hateful email in my inbox this morning and realized I have deprived you of my hatemail for far too long (the last installment was posted over three months ago). I have been selfish in keeping them all to myself, these delicate, fragrant blossoms of humanity, and I knew that you would agree that a diagram of my sinus goo couldn't possibly compete with the heartwarming sentiments of the following poetry. Although it would come very, very close.
The first one is from highfly2234, a repeat hatemailer whose grace and charm remind me of a dry, itchy crotch:
Now let me get this straight...you actually blog for a living? If your webaite doesn't demonstrate that any idiot can make a living by posting crap on the internet, I don't know what does. You have a great scam going on let me tell you. Write letters to your daughter, post pictures of your dog and ...AND GET PAID for it. Wow you're living the American Dream...sitting around your house with a camera on your neck just waiting for SOMEBODY...ANYBODY...to do SOMETHING...that I CAN WRITE ABOUT.
Yeah I don't see you regretting your life 20 years from at all.
You're an absolute joke of the worst kind...GET A FRIGGIN LIFE.
And I hope your dog runs away and never comes back because that would be the best day ever!
This is blowing my mind. How did he know? Because my day is pretty much exactly as he described it, right down to the ellipses. Except, he forgot one very important thing: I totally have awesome lip gloss.
And in 20 years when I regret my life? I WILL STILL HAVE AWESOME LIP GLOSS.
Here is one of my favorite pieces of hatemail ever for the sole reason that it was sent to me by someone named Deland. With a name like that you just know that his mama can fry up a chicken:
Hi my name is deland i'm from salt lake i seen your story in the paper so I thought i would check out your blog . Well I think its Lousy it really sucks I bet the only thing U R GOOD AT IS SUCKING ON DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Internet, that is 14 exclamation points. Not a record by any means, but a good effort, don't you think? I like how he threw in such a naughty word, too, because where the exclamation points failed to make an impression, that word certainly brought his email to life. DICKS! It's like, BEAVERS AND DUCKS! Which I like to randomly scream at children who knock on my door.
Up next is one from Paul:
Yes, yes you have to be one of the most pathetic people I have ever seen in my life. for God's sake (and I'm not even religious) please stop abusing your child.
I think this email would have been better had he given specific examples to demonstrate his point, and maybe thrown in a numbered list or an outline, because which instance of abuse is he referring to? All of them? Only one? Just the ones involving drill bits? That one time I buried her in jello? HELP ME OUT, PAUL.
Next is one from the always diplomatic Anonymous:
Your family should sue you too. I've enjoyed your blog but I thnk that you have some serious issues. I read about your legal battles, your depression and all of your other problems, and I can't help but think that bad things keep happening to you because you are a bad person. I mean look at how much you husband and your child have suffered because of you, and the more publicity you try to get for yourself the more awful things seem to happen in your life. In addition when your child gets older and goes to school everyone there could know that her mother is literally crazy. Imagine how hard that will be for her. Why are you doing this to your family? Do you really need the money that badly?
I get the feeling that this means I should stop trying to hit Mormons with my car.
Which is kind of an appropriate segue into this email from Durga:
I think it's funny how u hate mormonism and mormons in general but still choose to live in Utah among them.Why not save yourself the daily depression and angst and just move?It makes you look pathetic when you say that it is still the best place to raise children.
I have explained this before, but let me make this clear one more time IF I HAVE TO: I choose to remain in Utah because of all the free tampons. IS THAT SO WRONG?
Here's another one from another person named Anonymous, what seems to be the second most popular name for children behind Emma:
Why did you turn comments off? Mad because they point out that you are medicated fool? That you really have nothing going on? That you really aren't that sharp? That you act irresponsibly and foolishly? That you aren't that attractive?
This is a very thoughtful question, Anonymous, and I can understand why you might be frustrated that you cannot post your fully-formed love for me in my comments. Maybe this will help you understand why I do the things I do (TAKE NOTE, PAUL, I AM MAKING A LIST):
1. I do not open comments on every post because I do not think every post needs any additional commentary, or because I am not going to be around to make sure everyone is playing nicely.
2. On posts that do allow comments, I usually close them within 24-48 hours because the discussion has usually ended at that point. Plus, it keeps everyone nimble.
3. Occasionally I will turn comments off earlier without warning just so that I can get email like yours, full of bravery and courage, a warm kiss on the nose like a steaming Prozac burp.
A distressed reader, Maurice, writes:
Hi there! I love your column, but am getting rather tired of your dog pictures. Take pictures of each other, the house, the neighbors, Leta or gold fish, but ENOUGH with the dog.
Jeez oh pete.
Dear Maurice,
Love,
Heather
This next one isn't really a hatemail, but I thought I would share it here anyway just to give you a glimpse as to the amazing things people feel like they need to say to me. From Jamuna:
I just felt inspired to remind you of something that I think you already know but forgot when I read your post about anxiety today. It's just this: when you eat animals that have been to the slaughterhouse, you are likely consuming on a more subtle and energetic level the adrenaline, fear and anxiety that they almost certainly experienced just before death. The anxiety you are feeling is not just your own but also the feelings of the dead animals.
If this is true, and do I ever hope it is, then the cow that I ate last night must have been feeling very plump and juicy right before they chopped off his head.
And finally, an email from a reader named Amy, and the only way I can explain some of the punctuation is to believe that she typed it with her forehead:
I just started reading. blogs like last week. I do'nt really care what mundan nerds do and then write about. But, you are so cynical. I c'ant get why you would have such a depressed. blase, I dont give a fuck, mean-spirited-attitude. Is that supposed to be "cool?" Its really dorky. Even the "dooce" thing is dorky...what is that? poo? a gambling reference? (SAHF) or a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass? what does that mean? its soooo fuckin dumb....
oh, the only reason I feel compelled to do this, is cuz you get paid for it and its your job. Therefore, I am within my right to criticize. I certainly would'nt go picking on some 14 year olds blog, about the same mentality tho...
Amy, if you read my FAQ (that stands for FuckingAssQuaaludes, in case you were wondering) you'll see that the "dooce" thing is not a reference to poo, although if you want to believe that, then I guess you are well within your rights to do so, and I certainly won't stop you. You are also well within your rights to insert an apostrophe anywhere you think it seems cute -- I particularly like the one in c'ant, right there at the beginning, like it's flashing CONTRACTION AHEAD! CONTRACTION AHEAD! and I do appreciate the warning -- but this means that I am well within my rights to assume that you are the type of person who hangs Christmas wreaths on the front of her pick-up.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
301. Headhurt said:
That has to be the best nonverbal reply to a heckler I have seen in ages. Chuck. Is. Awesome. I have to agree. That pic needs to be in the next calendar.
You're pretty cool, too.
Love your blog!
The Other Heather
302. JustTheMommy said:
I sure hope that Maurice's e-mail was serving as a nice target for Chuck in that shot.
Haters suck. But they are a lot of fun to laugh at.
303. LunaBelle said:
Heather, i have no kids, not really planning on having any, so I'm not sure why I like your blog so much. Must be because we are 'of an age'. Anyway, I enjoy your sense of humor and also your monthly letters to your kid. I lost my Mom 2 years ago to colon cancer, and then my Dad the next year to alcoholism and brain injury and sadness. I wish i had something of their thoughts and feelings ( good and bad...cause even when your frustration is apparent, your love for your kid saturates your posts), to look back on, to revisit. Keep blogging, you are well read and appreciated. regards LunaBelle
304. Joel said:
Dear Heather,
I'm still waiting to see the goo (in your sinus cavity that is).
Love,
Joel
PS Assuming these jokers are as smart as they think they are, Jon must be a luckier man than I previously thought.
305. Elenie said:
You're brilliant, and I'm glad you know how to exploit and embarrass these utter idiots.
I c'ant believe I share a planet with these people.
306. JB el JB said:
Top Five Things That Made Me Go Hmmmm About This Post
5. Adoration = Abuse?
4. Why do folks keep reading if they hate Dooce so much?
3. When is that fucking study going to be published in Nature showing evidence of plants having feelings so that militant vegetarians will leave us meat-a-tarians in peace?
2. Should the picture of Chuck dropping a deuce be placed on my fridge or on my desk?
1. Who grows up and doesn't think their mom is crazy?
307. whynter said:
Dude.. I love your site and the posts, but this comment is more about the picture today of Leta
Forget the eyes (while cute) that chick is rocking some sweet hair today!
308. joolieblue said:
Those people are such idiots. Much like my ex, who writes things like the following to me:
You are pond scum!!!!!!!!! I cant go to parients weekend because. Its too much. money. You live in julie world!!!!!!!! YOU pay for the hernine surgon!!!!!
My glee with these emails is my ability to send them to my friends...much like you get to do when idiots write you! Rock on, Ms. Dooce!
309. betina said:
I don't have a dog, and I don't spend much time around other people's dogs. However, if I am not mistaken, I would say that the picture of Chuck is one of him bearing down to take a crap.
If so, it's perfect and hilarious.
310. Erin said:
Oh, Heather, I love your blog. I laughed so hard when I saw that picture of Chuck pooping in response to the comment. Harder than I've laughed in weeks. Thanks for that!
I am a performer, and one of the true joys of my profession is that people write hateful things about my performance and then publish them in newspapers. Some even take the time to e-mail me their personal bad reviews through my website. At least the newspapers check spelling. I wish I could send pictures of poop to all the people who write the bad ones...that is the power of blogging.
311. dykewife said:
i wish that i could make money on my blog however, not enough people come to see me. i've always wondered why people insist on leaving comments and sending emails that are so nasty. i guess i know why now. they've become famous vicariously by you giving them a little attention.
312. Cameo said:
I am still crying from laughing at the hilarity and shear awesomeness of your post. Cheers *clink of pinot* to you, Heather...keep it coming:)
313. RzDrms said:
"what is that? poo?"
i think that should be the new masthead. 'cuz if you d'ont understand, then i'ts all poo to you.
314. samantha w. said:
heather,
i am so sorry you have to receive these little bits of love on such a regular basis, but at least you're laughing with it....
we love reading your site!
russ & sam w.
315. http://almostvegetarian.blogspot.com said:
People amusing me (albeit, sometimes in the worst way) but when they abuse the English language with no empathy or pity for the overworked exclamation point or they ruthlessly take advantage of their computing privileges (and, kids, don't forget, it is a privilege) by excessive use of the hardest working key around - the timid Caps Lock key - well, all I can say is that is just MORAL INEPTITUDE AT ITS BEST!!!!!!!!
(And I flat out refuse to address misspelled words. Just know that my indignation, and indigestion, knows no bounds. To the horror of my neighbors. Alas.)
316. Nicole Peattie said:
thank you once again for almost making me wet my pants at work, in the hallway, almost waking up all my patients...you are so funny, and you handle those trolls with style and grace. keep 'em coming!
317. Kandice said:
I laughed so loud I nearly woke my sleeping children who are on the other side of the house. Could people be any more pathetic (and I'm not talking about you, Heather)?
H'ugs, no strike that, Hugs,
Kandice
318. Janice said:
People always love to hate on any one who can do something (like make money online and have enough to support your family) and they cant... the people who wrot you talk about you being mean and dumb or whatever but lok at what they wrote I am sure that conveys that more so than what you did... hell at least you are real and not a pussy about what you have to say!!!!
I dont care what those bitches say you friggin ROCK!!!
319. minkz said:
Best photo ever of Chuck. The end.
320. PixieMegh said:
You are so right. It has been WAY too long between hatemail posts. I just took the hardest test of my academic life, I'm so glad I came home to a fantastically funny entry from you. Thanks for the great sarcasm, my brain has melted and is no longer capable of creating my own at the moment. I totally needed that good laugh. I think I'll go lip gloss shopping now.
321. Meghan said:
You never told us there were FREE TAMPONS! I'll bet that beer flows from the taps, too. What a wonderful place to live, I'm on the next flight out of Chicago.
322. DawninGa said:
Can we just teach the ignorant ones some basic grammar principles, as well as require a spellcheck prior to posting? That might eliminate some of the riff-raff! (note the very effective use of one lonely exclamation point). Your website has given me many reasons to laugh, which are sometimes hard to come by. I look forward to your sarcasm, the deeper and darker, the better.
323. MissKitty said:
Some people are fuckmuppets. Why take the time to write to you just because they didn't get your site. I think their comments say so much about who they are and next to nothing about you. BTW, that black and white shot of Leta is absolutely gorgeous.. And the one of Chuck taking a dump is hysterical. That pretty much summed up my day to day, but it did make me laugh. :)
324. phoenix said:
What is up with all these haters? Do they not realize that they're the pathetic losers here? I'm not American, but last I heard, it IS a free country down there and if you don't like something, you don't have to do it - ergo, if you don't like what you read here, STOP READING and get a life yourself doing something you actually LIKE doing. Why spew all that negative energy out there?
I LOVE your blog. I LOVE the letters you write to Lena. Some of them are so sweet and dear they've made me tear up. And your sarcastic, smartass sense of humour makes me laugh out loud.
THANK YOU! :)
325. phoenix said:
Dang! Momentary brain fart. I meant LeTa.
My bad, and my apologies.
326. MA Dog Mom said:
Oh my God! I have a new favorite picture of Chuck!
*applause*
327. golexx said:
Heather,
Have you seen that new Tic Tac commercial where the woman juggles some tic tacs with her tongue? That commercial totally made me think of you. It seemed like something you would do. ;)
328. Katherine said:
You make me laugh; thanks for that!
Do you really get free Tampons in Utah? Salt Lake City, here I come!
329. CindyLou said:
Thank you, thank you. I was having a particularly difficult evening but this post has brought a huge smile to my face. EFF THE HATERS! (Yes, I'm utterly bad-ass as evidenced by my inability to use swear words). I enjoy loving, observant, caring Dooce...but cynical, irritated, angry Dooce is a constant source of entertaining sarcasm. I envy your success! SAHM, wonderful family, and a steady income from doing what you love. CONGRATS!
330. diana said:
I c'ant stop laughing.....I'm so glad it is well within our rights to contract wherever we see fit - you are SO funny - thanks for the laugh.
331. carrie2 said:
Heather,
Lets be real here. The reason you open up comments on certain entries is because you want your ENORMOUS ego stroked, or you need your minions to back your flat mannish ass up--nothing more, nothing less.
332. rachael pancic said:
I am only #328... I am thrilled when my mom takes the time to comment on my blog. You're great, and real. So many small minded, spiteful people, so little reason to bother. Deja jealous? Some seriously sad people reading a blog they "hate" Thanks for making me laugh with each post - I am often inspired to be like you when I grow up. I used to live in Salt Lake, used to be active LDS. I get your humor and I am so in your camp. If you make this far then let me say you have one more blogger and friend on your side. Let it rip.
333. Kathy said:
Thank you so much for that reply to Maurice. It made my day.
334. Tom said:
Hahah... "beavers and ducks". Dang that's a good movie. For those of you that don't know, see the movie Bandits. Hilarity ensues.
Also, great job on replying to the hate mail, Heather. I especially liked the picture of Chuck taking a dump. Very classy.
335. AnitaBonita said:
My GOD(dess)! That was funny!
336. oO_Bubblez_Oo said:
Do you really get free tampons in Utah? How does that work?!
There is so much inspiration for an April masthead right here, it just boggles my mind. I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with - something along the lines of 'I live in Utah because there are so many Mormons to hit with my car - the free tampons are just a bonus'
You have a fantastic sense of humor, and are an inspiration as a parent. Keep up the awesomeness!
337. Fiona said:
I think what always disturbs me about these posts is that these people - who spend their days writing vitrolic emails to strangers - are walking among us...they're the kind of people that we know...now that's scary.
338. TeeKay said:
There is spit on my screen from exploding in laughter when I came upon the picture of Chuck!
The only difference between the hate mailers and the rest of us is a sense of humor. Ok, and maybe tolerable grammar.
Keep writing Heather.
339. CarmenSinCity said:
Wow - I can't believe how much hate mail you get. I am literally shocked. I think it's GREAT that you do this for a living. What a blessing that you get to stay at home with your daughter and be a great mother and make money. Perfect. I strive to be like you. It's obvious that the haters are just jealous.
340. verbalicon said:
That picture of Chuck? That should totally become a splash page (no pun intended ... or maybe actually yes) for your blog. I love it!
I got my first hatemail a couple of days ago. Now I feel in good company. Thanks, Heather!
341. Tonya @ Kingfisher Cove said:
It hurts my heart that (seemingly) a fair number of people write you such mean and nasty and stupid emails. I SENSE you take it all with a very humorous grain of salt. I HOPE it's not with hidden pain, like so many comedians tend to bury. I'm thin-skinned enough that I'm glad my own blog mostly gets hits with image google-searches.
342. Carrie Johnston said:
I was just having convulsions on my bed because I was laughing so hard while trying not to wake up anyone in the house. Some of those letters are hilarious, and I especially loved your response to Maurice. It's a beautiful thing. I can't wait to show that part to my mother tomorrow. She'll wet her pants.
You are so funny, and your anecdotes and observations amuse me to no end. Also, I bought a lensbaby because of Jon's not-a-review on his. I LOVE IT!
343. TiredMom said:
Heather,
It is so fabulous that you are willing to share your life with your readers. I think it makes our lives easier (mine, anyway!) both when you show how you deal with your problems, and also when you make us crack up.
Now, more importantly, the sinus infection! I get them regularly -- i know I have one when i want to drill a hole in my face to relieve the pressure. Sinus surgery, here I come. I wanted to make sure you've discovered the wonders of Afrin. There are people who say not to use Afrin, it is evil, you will become addicted. These are people who do not get sinus infections. They don't know what they're talking about. They belong in the same dungeon with the "you don't need an epidural" types. Use Afrin, for 3-4 days. Life is so much better with drugs, isn't it?
xxoo
344. alivicwil said:
I have tears in my eyes. That Chuck photo is fantastic.
I can't wait for my partner to get home from work - I'm calling him in here to look at it!
Thank you, Heather
345. Amanda said:
Heather, I have been a huge fan of your site for about three years now and haven't said anything yet but the hatemail has inspired me... So I'm going to click on all of the ads you have on your page about 110 times tonight just so you can continue to blog and make money off of it. :-)
Amanda
oh and one more thing... DICK!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry, just wanted my post to have more power... or something like that.)
346. Chrissy said:
Wait Heather, you have a "webaite"? Why was I not informed of this?
P.S. The picture of Chuckles made me pee a little with glee.
Also, can you ask Jamuna what it means when I get the runs after eating meat? Because if that whole slaughterhouse theory is true, that damn animal's got some explaining to do.
347. Suebob Davis said:
Oh!!!!!!!!!! I hate you're haterz!! UR2 good 2B hated on, and I ca'nt bLieve they r mad at U 4 makeing a livin bloggin!!!!!!!!!!!
Chuck iz in UR yard, takeing a dump on UR flowerz!!
348. Kristin said:
Heather,
I have been reading your blog for a week or two, and I truly enjoy it. This post, of course, has been my favorite so far. Although I do have to admit that I thought of you in the shower this morning as I washed my face with a cleanser of similar consistency as your newly found Cetaphil.
However, tonight as I sit here with my littlest one, infected with pink eye, a rash over her entire body, and one bloated tummy, waiting for the advice nurse to call back and for my little beauty to finally poop... well, I must confess I couldn't have had a better time! Thanks for the entertainment and the fantastic picture of Chuck. Not only did it crack me up, I think he inspired my daughter and the tummy troubles have been relieved.
I think you're a genius by the way, to do what you do.
Sincerely, Kristin
349. DeathByChildren said:
Why is everyone talking about Chuck taking a dump? He's clearly fucking the snow.
350. Mary Jo said:
Oh man, classic. I think you and your blog rock.
351. yenasung said:
I think you should make posting the hate mail a monthly feature if not bimonthly or weekly. They're some of the most interesting things about this blog...
...A blog which I've been reading for the past several years. HI! I'm a big fan! Have a great day~
352. bushra said:
Agreed with all the rest of 'em! This hate mail feature has *got* to be a regular feature!
353. kiminchrg said:
Heather,
You have the best readers. My God girl! If only people hated me that much! I could live for days on that! And I guess we know why neither one of us turned gay in high school - because we like SUCKING DICKS!!! hahahah! that is just to funny.
Miss ya in Memphis!
354. Sudha said:
# lol! u actually counted the number of exclamation points on that thing? he he!
# Jamuna has absolutely blown my mind! Jeeezzusss! I have known some vegetarian Indians (my own countrymen) express strong anti-non-vegetarian sentiments. But this is by far the worst, really!!!
# I love your blog
# Love the way u reply to hatemail even more(keep em coming!)
# Leta is just so very cute
355. mommyinjapan said:
Heather,
You are awesome. Don't forget that. I haven't read a blog yet that gets so many comments.
I've been wanting to ask you how much time you spend on your posts. Do you spend a lot of time editing them or do they basically come out like this? It's a great skill that you have to be able to share about your life with humor.
Keep up the good work. Hope you feel better soon.
PS Do you ever think that maybe people hate-mail you so they can get a mention on your blog?
356. Angeline said:
I have been reading your blog for about 6 months or so. The haters are just jealous because they are not capable of earning a living at home. Boo hoo.. cry a river and then build a bridge and get over it.. gez!
You had me laughing so hard I almost wet myself and may have woken up the entire house laughing. The pic of Chuck is awsome. You say what I wish I had the nerve to say to some people. And I am a pretty straight forward type person. Your ovaries are definately bigger then mine. LOL. Keep up the good work.
Just to throw this in.. The song Men in Black (for that movie of course) Every time I see mormon missionairies I can't resist and I start singing that song. I've even had a few of them laugh with me. Makes me wonder if they really like wearing those freaking cheap ass ugly suits.
357. Ariel Hassman said:
Interestingly enough, your wickedly funny commentary doesn't really say to me that you are negative and cynical, it says to me that you are able to laugh at life. And seriously, life is freaking funny.
358. Daydreamerme said:
I suppose even the dumb and insane are free to express their opinions, how lucky you are that they seem to enjoy expressing them to you Dooce.
I especially enjoyed Jamuna's post about how we consume bad vibes cos we are blood thirsty meat eaters. I think there are about a million ways in which that thesis can be pulled apart, but hey, its fun to think someone thinks its true. I don't mean to be offensive to anyone, but hey, hateful commentators listen up: YOU'RE IDIOTS.
I mean what fool would be sick of photos of Chuck? Its what gets me through the day.
359. TigerLambGirl said:
FREE tampons in Utah?
*blink*
Flucking awesome.
360. wheezer345 said:
Geez, after getting comments like that it's amazing that you still blog. Don't pay attention to those "people" and keep up the good work! By the way, LOVE the answer to "quit showing pictures of your dog".
361. Gretchie said:
I just don't understand people who have time to write hatemail about a blog. I mean, c'mon, I barely have time to write an angry letter to Delta for losing my dog for a day when we moved to Rome last month, let alone a blog, written for people who wish to read it for pleasure. Why read something if it pisses you off that badly? Why prolong your rage by writing hatemail? What a bunch of assholes. Oh, and let me just say it again - you live the dream, woman. You write for a living from the comfort of your home with your family - who you love - by your side. It's an honest living. You pay your taxes. What's pathetic about that?
Oh, and Chuck's response... KLASSY.
362. kim from germany said:
OMG the chuck-shitting picture is awesome. i like chuck pics. i don't agree with everything you say or do but i also don't feel like you expect that from your readers.
and even if for some reason things you do or write about would bother me, i certainly have a life enough to not sent you hatemail or anything like that. i just won't come back i guess. live and let live, people.
PS: and i still think the monthly newsletters are the best thing ever and they almost always make me tear up.
363. The Bold Soul said:
Your hatemail posts always make my day, because what else can you do with these complete morons except expose them to daylight and ridicule? I am STILL laughing my ass off about the photo of Chuck "in the act", and thanks for that because my ass is way too big anyway.
And there are a bunch of Americans in Paris who think you're a freaking riot. Since the French by and large have no sense of humor (or at least one to which we Anglophones can't relate) we need something to laugh at and get us through the day. I haven't started getting hatemail on my blog yet... something to aspire to.
364. Megs said:
Just wanted to say, for the record, that I adored the week of Chuck pictures. I always go get my husband to make him look at them too.
365. Seren said:
Awww, don't close comments too soon, or those of us across the Big Pond won't get to leave our bits of nonesense.
I enjoyed this batch of hatemail, gave me a really good laugh! BTW, more pics of Chuckles please! My husband loves them (which is why I got him the calendar!).
Something I didn't understand though; sucking Dick's what? His gobstoppers? His chewy toffee? (snicker)
366. meredith said:
LOL!!!! sorry, I d'ont have the guts to use 14 exclamation points.
367. Jim said:
Thanks for the humor, great wake up this AM.
368. Shoediva! said:
My 10 month old son has been hitting the keyboard on the laptop as his latest 'thing'. Annoying as all get out, but I must say, his punctuation is better than your hate mailers', and he never abuses the exclamation mark. I am so proud :)
And he thought 'doggy' was funny too.
369. Diana said:
Yippee! I love the hate mail posts. People are so awesome about making jackasses out of themselves. I like to believe they do it do amuse me. But I know it's really ignorance, plain and simple. And I love it.
370. Emma said:
Sweet Jesus in a toaster, Heather, I love your fan club of stupid people. Deland reminds me of someone I've heard from before.... IN FRANCE!!!!!
371. SSFB said:
There are free tampons in Utah?????
372. SSFB said:
and PS... I don't even like dogs and I still love the pictures of chuck. He makes me want a dog!
373. crimsondevotchka said:
i smell green people! we LOVE chuck, more pics, yes, please!
374. Anne said:
Why am I not popular enough to get hatemail, why? It's just so unfair.
On a completely separate note, I have recently heard that Mormons have to wear special underwear when going on missionary work. Is this true? I could try to harness the power of the internet to find out but I know that a reply from dooce.com would be more reliable.
375. PhillyOne said:
It's not that I agree with the hate mail. I don't. I do, however, think that you could blog more often, since it is your "job". You have a gift, a cleverness. Most of the time I really enjoy how you use it. My only advice (and I can give it 'cause I'm twice as old as you) is to not take all that you have and all that you are, for granted. Peace.
376. Ralph H. said:
I think it's good of you to share these bon mots. Reminds us, in case we needed reminding, what Nicholas of Cusa (think it was him) said many centuries ago: "The number of stupid people is infinite."
377. elf_fu said:
I've spent the better part of ten minutes attempting to think up a witty comment to the stupidity shown from these people.
I failed. Wow, just--wow.
378. boo said:
i am so damn happy i wore waterproof mascara today, because when i scrolled down to the picture of chuck pooping, the sip of coffee i just took came shooting out of my nose and my eyes watered from the hysterical laughing that came afterwards. one of my coworkers even came to check on me to see if i was okay. i love your blog. keep it coming.
379. jnapier said:
I just wanted to say that you're awesome... fuck the haters.
380. scout87 said:
The picture of Chuck is priceless! Too funny.
I LOVE your blog. Sorry you get so many freaks who like to send hate mail. But I guess that comes with the territory, huh? At least it gives you fodder for your blog and keeps us fans amused.
381. karyn said:
I think my favorite thing I have ever read on your blog is "FuckingAssQuaaludes".
I'm glad you have a sense of humor about the haters. Is your first book going to be solely hatemail and your responses? Because that would so rock my socks.
382. Jet Piston said:
I like your blog, your hatemail, and your face. If you weren't already married and I weren't already married I would totally be so pissed off at myself for being afraid to ask you out.
383. HughOfBardfield said:
Hi Heather
So another heap of morons send you hatemail? Just wish they'd get a life.
Just wanted you to know that some of us appreciate you, and find your blog not just amusing, but life enhancing. Please keep blogging (and posting pictures - even of Chuck)!
Hugh of Bardfield (Essex, UK)
384. cakebaker said:
I really needed that laugh today. Rock on, Dooce.
385. karla-kuss said:
Hm. You can get very concerned about people in general, if you seriously start thinking about their state of mind, writing these utterances. Which are so out of anything, and for so different reasons. Written by normal people.
Difficult to realize real persons actually typing this stuff. And to know that it has absolutely nothing to do with you personally, although they act just as if it had.
The world is a strange place.
Of course it's exactly the other way round. It is so obvious, due to this website, that you are such an exceptionally splendid person.
(Though I certainly don't know you the faintest little bit, so please don't feel offended by my remarks.)
To read your website is a very great pleasure indeed, and I mean every. single. word. It is a treasure in the vast internet as well as in the grotesque and moving reality, because it is, simultaneously, so extremely heartwarming and truth-pronouncing. (And so funny. And bright-minded.) So rare, things like this and characters like you.
So... Thanks extremely much! And the kindest regards to you and your sweethearts.
(This Internet... still astonishing.)
386. Elle said:
I wanted to let you know you are not the worst mother out there, I just let my 4 month old sit in her poopy diaper so I could read your post and most of the comments. She won't remember it, so I'm okay with it.
Has it really been three months since you shared hatemail? The picture of Chuck taking a crap is almost better than the "week of Chuck" you blessed us with last week (thanks for that, btw!).
Okay, I guess she's stewed enough - keep up the great work, if only to get more hatemail to share. It does a body good!
387. FeelinFroggy said:
Okay the first guy is jealous that he/she didn't think if this blogging for cash thing. The second guy is either jealous that you suck dicks better than him or he is mad you have never sucked his.
And dude, where was the post about the child abuse, you should really link to things like that, I must have been absent from your site that day. I sure hope that Leta recovered from the abuse.
As far as going to school and people knowing her mom is CRAZY!!! At least you get paid for it, my mom is crazy and poor.
I totally love your hatemail posts which makes me feel a little bit bad because Good God people are mean and pathetic. I totally love you, maybe just a little bit too much!
388. ecileh said:
Oh, that picture of Chuck in response to Maurice is *choice*. You are my hero.
389. jennifer said:
Some of these seemed meaner than ones you've posted previously. Especially Anonymous #1. Your responses were, as usual, funny, but I had a hard time laughing this time around. The gratuitous meanness of their emails was a little much. I admire you for handling it so well.
390. Sara said:
The photo of Chuck assuming the doggie pooping stance is priceless.
391. TranceJen said:
I seriously can't believe "c'ant".
That's just too much to wrap my "b'rain" around.
392. Nikki said:
Delurking to say that I love your blog! And this post was hysterical. Love the picture of Chuck! Thanks for starting my morning with a laugh!
393. LawTalkinGuy said:
As much as I loved this post, please don't make it a regular theme.
That will just encourage the douchebags.
394. KathleenG said:
You keep me sane. In a loose, loose sense of the word. Thank you so much for giving me something to look forward to each day.
395. Anita Barr-Watson said:
love the site..... keep up the good work!
396. Kami said:
The picture of Chuck is poetic! Thanks for sharing people's inadequacies with themselves because CLEARLY they pick on you to make themselves feel better.
397. jdkjd said:
I just want to express my admiration in how you take the random, violent criticism that these strangers feel they some imaginary right to aim at you.
I don't know if I could handle all of that with such humor. Maybe I'm not as nice and patient as you are. :)
(And your blog is touching, hilarious, insightful, and articulate - sometimes all at the same time.)
398. spacegirl said:
Holy hate mail Batgirl!!! (only 3 exclamation points for that one). Thanks for the tragic laughs Heather, you're priceless.
Peace.
399. linda said:
I remain amazed that people feel the need to "criticize" something that is free and that they are not required to read. I’m also continually surprised that people feel that commenting is a right, rather than a privilege extended by the author. Those feelings are only superseded by my amazement at the level of illiteracy demonstrated by the writers (and I use that term loosely). I suppose they are envious, although I doubt any of them understand exactly how hard it is to write, well, on a regular basis, regardless of the medium.
400. bigdogmompam said:
Love the pictures of Chuck. He's an adorable dog and the picture in today's post was PERFECT. Thank you for sharing the hatemail with us. It's ever so entertaining. Better than people watching at the mall. I've been reading your blog for a while now and I have to confess it's one of the highlights of my day. Thank you for sharing all of this with us.
401. Groovymarlin said:
Heather, I find you inspiring, and I hope you get some love-mail to go with the hate now and then. How is blogging for a living really any different from people who write for a living? Erma Bombeck made a nice life for herself and her family writing humorous pieces about household drudgery in the newspaper and books. And you're much funnier than she was. What about that "Hints from Heloise" chick? She doesn't even write her own material and she makes a living at it!
Haters can just go on hatin'. I think Jett summed it up pretty well:
"There's isn't enough bleach in the world to to clean out the gene pool."
So true. And it brings me to my other thought - some of your commenters are as funny as your posts. Damn, there are some literate, sharp, hilarious people reading this blog! Hats off to all of you.
402. Charles R. Kaiser said:
Good Lord! Is someone forcing these people to read your site? I mean, are the guards at Gitmo making people sit in front of computers with Clockwork Orange type eyelid holders shoved in their eyes forcing the enemy combatants to read Dooce?
403. iamjenlindsey said:
i swear to christ, i have such an internet crush on you!
(i would have totally inserted about 18 more exclamation points, but i realize just one will do.)
404. ihearttheastros said:
That picture of Chuck will bring a smile to my face for many days to come.
405. Darren said:
Sheesh, and I felt bad yesterday because someone called me gay in my comments.
406. kdjmom3 said:
heather,
your hate mail shows what a scary place the blogosphere can be.
reading your blog makes my day brighter, shinier, and doggone it, happier. you are an absolutely gifted and fantastic writer.
chuck rocks.
namaste,
amy
407. frankie said:
People are morons. Seriously.
Pissy people behind a computer are like pissy people behind a car wheel... they think they are safe, but I bet they are freaking out that their craptastic email is posted!
Now THAT'S what I call a good time... you GO!
It's nice to remind the oh so "brave" mean people that there is a *person* behind the web site, no?
Love it...
408. Sarah said:
I gotta say, I'm hella curious as to which ways you abuse Leta Paul was thinking of. I, too, would have appreciated a bulleted list. Or maybe a numbered one, but then he'd have to made it clear whether he was listing the offenses in order from most to least heinous, or the other way around.
Also, "Good Lord! Is someone forcing these people to read your site? I mean, are the guards at Gitmo making people sit in front of computers with Clockwork Orange type eyelid holders shoved in their eyes forcing the enemy combatants to read Dooce?" Charles R. Kaiser has had the BEST IDEA EVER! You should totally forward that comment to our friends at the Pentagon.
409. Maria H said:
I love your hatemail, Heather. Please don't forget to post them more often.
410. Queen of her own universe said:
Dooce...you are my frickin' HERO (Ho'd out.Effen.Ratbastard.OnFire) ! ! !
411. Sara Tibbs said:
Chuck for the win! And as for highfly2234? Sounds like she's (she?) got a bad case of 'silicate vaginosis'. LOL I'm glad I got to use that.
412. Badgerx2 said:
I love all the Chuck pictures - especially when he's balancing a random household object on his head! Don't stop.
Last I checked reading blogs was optional. If you don't like it, don't read it and if you do, don't bitch about it.
413. dimplecheek said:
The picture of Chuck is just proof that yours is the best blog out there. I thought I was the only one who took pictures of my dog pooping in the snow. Now, I love you even more, Heather.
414. YoBimbo said:
Outstanding. I have to say that your hatemail posts are some of my favorites. And that photo of Chuck? Perfect.
Well played.
415. Kate said:
If I ever meet you, I'm going to kiss you on the mouth, but I promise not to linger.
416. Loob said:
I just now saw a commercial on tv and knew I must tell you that a store in my town is giving away free clogs if you buy their beer. :)
I know how much you wish you were here right now.
417. PaintingChef said:
I think she is probably more likely to hang the wreath on her minivan.
Thanks for the laugh. You get the BEST hate mail!
418. Laura said:
That picture of Chuck about to crap is the funniest thing I have seen today. I was going to say the funniest thing ever but that would just be a lie.
I have to admit that I do adore the Armstrongs. I guess that makes me just another lame sycophant but I'm okay with that.
So, while I am on a tangent of so called uncool confessions here's a doozy...I like (or dare I say love) ellipses and excessive exclamation point usage. Do you think there is a 12 step program for this sort of thing?
419. Darlin' said:
Oh God those were so funny. Typing with the forehead? Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass? Priceless. See? This is a great way to deal with hate mail because it makes it fun when you get a particularly nasty one instead of hurtful. It is the ShitAssHoFuckingBadass Hate Mail Game.
420. Amy said:
I'm embarrassed that my name is Amy; I'm considering changing that now. But some of us "Amys" do know proper grammar, and most of us don't have time to smoke enough crack to send emails like that. And how did she have time to type that up, after having spent all afternoon hanging the wreath on the dually and cleanin' the shot gun?
421. leesavee said:
The Internet needs to know...WHAT is the deal with the free tampons? Utah will soon be overrun by menstruating women. Please include information about this in your next entry. Inquiring minds really do need to know! (only one exclamation point)
422. Christina said:
Please tell me that Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass will be your masthead for April!
Hope your sinuses drain soon.
423. quirky said:
Have you seen "Idiocracy"? It's looking more like a documentary everyday....
424. Megs said:
After reading your blog for almost 3 years, I have fallen more in love you, your family, your super dog, and your fish. Thank you for processing your life, your random interactions, your being with us. And while others might be mean, know that someone in Denver is cheering you on. Plus, we have free tampons here too :)
425. POOLEworks aka Roger said:
Cripes you are one of the funniest people I've ever read.
What is wrong with some people?
426. KIKI said:
I wasn't ever aware of the free tampons, but was I ever grateful for the free condoms given out at the BYU Health Center! WHEW!
427. raspberry queen said:
I <3 ur webaite and ur hate. mail. c'ant get enuff ov it.
428. Laura said:
As if you would give a toss what others say.
Which would be a great name for a site if it weren't for the fact it's already taken.
http://www.giveatoss.com/
429. Allison said:
I love your blog. THE END. It's seriously the only reason why I come to work - so I can read dooce and look at all the pretty Chuck pictures on it with the clarity of a 19 inch monitor and the ease of a high speed connection. Thank you for being such a shit ass ho fuckingbadass and sharing your hatemail from all the shit ass ho fuckingdumbasses, not only do they make me laugh, but they make me feel smart. heh. Oh, and bring on the Chuck pictures!
430. Mel said:
Heather, you are awesome! I'm so glad to have found your blog!
431. PaulaM said:
Your Chuck picture response to Maurice made me laugh so hard I woke my baby and I don't even care! Awesome post. Love your humor, my dear. I read your blog daily.
432. kj said:
God, Heather B. This rocks. LOVE posts like these from you. Truly made my day.
433. smoochdog said:
Heather you ROCK. THat "letter" you posted to Maurice truly does capture the spirit of "a picture says 1,000 words." Keep on being you. And as my blog is named SMOOCHDOG - I say keep on posting THOUSANDS of photos of Chuck, not having kids I can relate to Chuck more than Leta - sorry Leta you are a doll but Chuck...he is a dog!
434. lisamaesc said:
Heather, I think you are a funny, funny lady. Keep on entertaining us with your wit!
435. nanookie9 said:
The photo of the dog... the PHOTO OF THE DOG! It's killing me, I can't stop laughing! All of it, I can't stop laughing!
436. CapnK8 said:
I just signed up for a free TypeKey account for the sole purpose of saying:
Wow.
People never fail to astound and horrify me - what sad people, that they have to get their kicks out of randomly assaulting talented writers.
Also, Utah has free tampons? I must speak to the Idaho legislature posthaste.
437. Christina said:
You are so funny! That picture of Chuck taking a shit is AWESOME! ha ha ha.
438. mirenis said:
I love Chuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
439. DancingTofu said:
Ditto CapnK8. I'm usually too lazy to sign up for things.
But, holy crap, thanks for the laughs!
Hope you feel better soon. I'll wave as I fly over tomorrow!
440. mirenis said:
I LOVE CHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
441. theGeneva said:
They love you really. They are just jealous that they can't sit at home and take photos of their dog while picking their belly button fluff. This is probably some sort of way of expressing their emotion that years of crack use and living with mommy could't resolve.
The photos of your family (dog included) really add to the feel of your blog, when reading it I almost feel close to you, although you're a stranger to me.
Anyways, keep up the good work, you beautiful strangers.
442. Marley said:
Really? People say things like that? Well Heather, on behalf of people, I am sorry. Wait, maybe they aren't people at all.
I hope you laugh about those comments. Really.
443. Heather W said:
FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY! I cannot believe these idiots who, first, can't spell, and second, simply do not have lives. If they think your blog is so stupid, why do they read it? I am so sick of people like this!
Keep up the good work, and I agree with someone who said it in a post here, more pics of the pretty fish please.
And would you PLEASE post more about the abuse of your daughter? Maybe some of you abusing John? That would just make my day. LMAO!!! (Oh, sorry, I'm one of the explanation point abusers.)
444. heyhey said:
Waaa ha ha ha ha. That was great. Not the hatemail, the responses! I shot diet coke out of my nose at Chuck's picture. OH how I desire to email that pic to several people!
445. Allison said:
LOVE IT! I've never gotten hate mail, but I've definitely been bashed on at least one other person's blog, as well as on a certain message board I used to frequent. It kind of makes me feel like a celeb. LOL.
446. Angiejude said:
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (14 exactly)
nice.
447. Lotorq said:
I just love these people and their negative comments. Apparently they don't read the part that says:
"I'm Heather B. Armstrong. This is MY website".
448. Julia said:
oh yeah, I need to write a blog ~ I am more medicated than anyone I know and I have two adorable dogs that I love to take pictures of. Keep sharing, we love you.
449. stephanie said:
almost 500 comments now, and, surely i might be dooced myself if i read them all first so, apologies for the certain repetition but i just had to say it.
REGRET?
i just laughed all the way to the end of the entry on that one alone. yes, i'm sure looking back you'll most definitely regret
-being lucky enough to have a job that you don't hate
-watching your daughter grow and experience all the awesome things in life, like milkshakes [and not awesome things, like licorice] without needing to read the journal the daycare mom wrote for you
-being able to hang out and play with chuck whenever you want
-having support when you need it the most from so many you have never even met before
-being able to actually enjoy, practice, and excell at your hobbies like photography, in a beautiful place.
so yeah, you just think about THAT heather. think about all that other stuff you could have been doing that would make your life so much more worthwhile to someone who wastes their own time writing hatemail.
from someone who is obviously more awesome and "fulfilled" because i spend ten hours in a cube five days a week.
450. fakeblonde99 said:
I was having such a bad morning and then I read this post and it's turned my whole day around. I want to thank you Heather with 400 exclaimation points. God, I love hatemail and the idiots who write them.
451. Liz said:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! The only thing those emails serve to do is make me pee my pants when you post them. Ahhh, jealousy is SO entertaining, isn't it!
452. Debbie said:
I can't help but wonder if the illiterate one lives with the one who mentioned the slaughterhouse.
I'm also stunned by the idea of getting the "feelings" of the slaughtered animal by eating the meat. I think I may have been mislead; what if the beef in my fridge isn't really from cows? I've eaten considerable amounts of beef, but yet I've had absolutely no urges to eat hay or grass or take a shit right where I'm standing as I eat the hay or grass...
453. belletoes said:
DOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's 17. Love you, love Jon, love Leta and I absolutely am obsessed with Chuckles! You are the highlight of most days. After work, laundry, kids etc... Dooce is my little treat. Please don't ever stop what you do and please please please keep showing us the moronic haters. So enjoyable!
ps Free tampons? I'm totally roadtrippin' to Utah!
454. Wacky Mommy said:
YOU GIVE ME MORE PICTURES OF CHUCK-CHUCK BO-BUCK OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.
Love,
WM
455. g said:
You know...I just REALLY wanted to hear about that sinus infection.
456. jaclyng said:
Hey Heather. My friend turned me on to your website two years ago and since then I feel like I know your family and check-in on you a few times a week to see how ya'll are doing. Strange, in a new-agey cyber-world kind of one-way relationship-thing. (My husband regularly mocks me for this.) Two things: first, TOTALLY AWESOME job getting Starbucks as a sponser. THAT TOTALLY ROCKS! (yes, I am from So.Cal.) Second, that 'I bet your mama can fry up a chicken' thing screams of racism to me. It's almost as if you are using the fact that you think he is african-american (yes, I do live in So.Cal.) as slam against him. I'm not criticizing or judging; live and let live, baby. But I was taken aback and wanted to exercize my right to call you on it. (yes, I do live...)
457. SueFromOhio said:
Holy Shit! Some people are so mean! oh wait, I meant, SUM PEEPL R SO MEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mean and dumb...and I have 30 EXCLAMATION POINTS!
If it weren't for your writing, I wouldn't know that I'm normal. Thanks Heather...and tell Chuck, I hope he didn't blow out his O ring on that one! BAHAHAHAHAAAAA
458. Christie P said:
As a faithful reader of your site (a good friend told me about your blog soon after Leta was born because my daughter is just a few months older), I finally feel compelled to post a comment on behalf of all those readers (I'm quite sure they're out there) who love you, love your site, and can't believe the kind of insane hatemail you have to put up with, but, like me, have never posted a comment or sent an email. We are just so grateful that you keep on writing, keep on taking pictures, and keep on sharing your messy, glorious life with us all. Thank you.
459. Marly said:
Heather.
You are a joy! I love to read your posts.
They make me laugh and smile.
I think you, your family and dog are amazing.
Thanks for not ever allowing the bull shit to bring you down. Or when is does, get medicated or drink or post some more.
You rock!
460. minxlj said:
I feel like I have to apologise for the dumb vacant nothing-between-the-fuckin-ears mentality of those hatemailers. MY GOD some people are thick. And as for the repeat hatemailer - what the hell is up with that?? If you hate a website DON'T FUCKING VISIT IT. I'm in complete disbelief that these people can be so venomous, so stupid, and so damn rude. I laugh at their ridiculous emails, but at the same time I'm sad, and despondent that people can be so fucking vacant. As you can tell, it also gets me quite mad. The world doesn't need that much bullshit!
Would these people dare to say the above things to your face? Of course not. I would LOVE for someone to dare talk to me like that - I'd have them crying, tucked up into a ball in the corner within minutes. :-D
I DETEST those spineless morons hiding behind what they think is anonymous email on the internet thinking they can abuse anyone they want. GET A FUCKING LIFE PEOPLE. You hate something? Change it - DO SOMETHING BETTER THEN. (just like the Honda advert!)
On the plus side, I love that you can laugh at them Heather - I hope you're well and your family is well. Including the lovely DORJ! And keep up with the Chuck photos please!! :-)
461. Black Belt Mama said:
Oh, how I love your hate mail Heather! Since I know that it takes approximately 1000 positive comments to get rid of the bad taste in ones mouth from one bad comment, I'd like to be a positive one when I say that it is so damn cool that you get paid to do this. If my ad revenue brought in enough to buy a bag of groceries I would be thrilled, but a house, a mortgage, cool lip gloss? You rock girl.
462. SaraSue said:
Best picture of Chuck EVER! I hope this makes it to next year's calendar.
463. feistydoll said:
I l'ove the s'hot of C'huck "doocing" M'aurice.
Perfect, errr.... P'erfect!
464. skeri said:
You are so awesome! :-D
465. Coelecanth said:
Normally I don't like laughing at fools, I'm too often in that catagory for it to be strictly comfortable. But that, Madame Dooce, made my day.
There's nothing like anger disguised as advice to remind me that I'm the only one who can live my life.
Thanks for sharing the hate.
466. The other me said:
I feel sure that should items of a feminine nature be free in utah they would almost certainly be of the large, bulky perhaps 'with a belt' type items ( and when I lived in utah I never heard anyone ever say Tampons or pads it was always
'feminine items') I am pretty sure that they wouldn't encourage anything that was to be inserted, unless you are married and your husband was involved somehow. Just a thought. Also, stupid hate mail people? Sad.
467. Femtastic said:
(I really should read the comments before adding. But I ain't gonna.)
So how can I, as a fairly new blogger, get hate mail? I don't have a daughter to abuse (you lucky woman you!) but I do post cat pictures all the time, which you'd think would generate even MORE hate!
I think your secret weapon is that you do make a living off of your creativity, which is clearly something that many moronic, illiterate and potty-mouthed ass-hats resent like hell. (me too - winky!)
468. Tabbie said:
First of all I'd like to say I have been reading your blog for years now (and believe me theres few things I can actually claim to have been doing for year) and I really appreciate the work you do on this site. You're an amazingly entertaining writer and blogging suits your style more than any other form available. I can only imagine that your hate-mailers haven't been exposed to many blogs and don't understand that you're not just talking about your personal problems on the web and trying to get sympathy, you're helping a lot of people who have similar problems feel like they have someone out there like them. I'm not a mom but I want to be one someday and I think whenever I do I'll look back at your posts about pregnancy, depression and Leta's quirks and it will help me through.
Until then I'll enjoy reading about poop and Chuckles!
469. kc02917 said:
I feel the need to comment abt the "meat anxiety". Every animal(beef in particular) I have ever consumed must have been IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING AN ORGASM, because, yes, they are THAT GOOD!
I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. I wish I had an ounce of your writing talent. Thanks for keeping me laughing! I have no idea how my daughter naps through my reading your blog!
470. Tara said:
I apologize if I'm repeating what others have said (my employer might notice if I stop to read 464 comments). . .
I think SOME people might be a bit jealous of you because you've found a way to be successful by doing something you enjoy, without having to suck up to anyone else. For all you haters--why don't you try this yourselves and see how hard it is before you go accusing Heather of being lazy and not having a real job? It's not as easy as it looks.
And Heather, the picture of Chuck taking a shit? PRICELESS. I damn near had french fries flying out of my nose at that one. (too bad I couldn't get that on camera)
471. Tao of David said:
Great. I laughed so hard upon seeing the Chuck pic that I farted and the guy in the next cube heard.
Now he wants to know what I was reading.
Thanks...thanks a lot.
472. wisteria said:
I have been reading your blog for about 3 months. I forced my husband to read your post about cetaphil, and he has been talking about how you are the AWESOMEST. PERSON. EVER. ever since then. So, carry on.
473. jeanine said:
The picture of Chuck is hilarious!
474. vinsanity said:
How come only some readers get the privy info on your dick-sucking skills? Do tell, Heather. Do tell.
BEAVERS AND DUCKS!
475. Pixiebutt said:
Love, just love the picture you posted of Chuck. Please don't stop the chuck photos!
476. wildflower said:
While I've been a reader for quite some time, your most recent hatemail post moved me to comment for the first time. I just had to tell you...
I've decided to make the picture of Chuck the wallpaper for my computer. At work. This is how much I love my job. I'll make sure to let you know how that works out for me. :)
Also, I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. It's something I look forward to reading every day. I appreciate your honesty, wit and sarcasm, among other things. Keep up the awesome work!!
(p.s. - I didn't read all of the comments, so if someone else has already taken my idea, I want to make sure they know I wasn't trying to steal their thunder. Just didn't have time to make it through all 471 of them!)
477. gribblelite said:
*laughing so hard I may turn my liver over*
Thank you, oh, thank you for the laugh.
Being from the extreme South (I capitalized that on purpose), I SO can relate to the comment from Deland. "I seen your story..."
Shit, that is so rich, and so indicative to the inherant structure of one's family tree. Meaning, it probably doesn't fork.
BTW, loved your quick post on Tuesday. Bad grammar and even worse spelling annoy the hell out of me, too.
Two words: spell. check.
478. AOtis said:
One question for Maurice:
What is 'jeez oh pete'?
If you're going to throw an excalamatory phrase out there, just do it right and take the Lord's name in vain.
479. southerngirl said:
I HATE those people who put Christmas wreaths on the front of their cars/trucks and I feel like it is my duty to walk up to them and point out how stupid it is for them to put wreaths on the front of their cars/trucks because I feel like it is a personal affront to me, despite that whole good tidings to men/women seasonal bullshit.
Rock on, girlfriend. You da best.
480. Hope Rutten said:
The picture of Chuck taking a dump is PRICELESS. Nothing says I love you like a dog pinching one out.
481. kirsten said:
I seen your site. It r'ocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
482. Amy Jo said:
I haven't read the above comments, but I know I'm not alone - thanks for that pic of Chuck! I'm still laughing.
483. Kristen from MA said:
'the cow that I ate last night must have been feeling very plump and juicy right before they chopped off his head.'
that's friggin' hilarious! (and I say that as a vegetarian)
also, MORE pictures of Chuck, please!
484. 2shews said:
Oh my goodness gracious. I was at a low snicker in the beginning. And then a chortle. And then, when I got to the dog thing, to quote my granddad, I "almost sh*t stuff I didn't even eat." That is the funniest thing I have seen in a while.
485. Mel said:
Well at least you are good at sucking dicks! I mean, you abuse your child but really all that matters would be your dick sucking quality. I bet you're relived about that.
Hate mail cracks me up.
and p.s. who is the idiot who would turn down a chance to blog for money? Seriously though! They act like you are forcing them to read it.
486. SydneyDawn said:
Your reply to Maurice was the BEST EVER!
I cannot stop laughing.
487. Zandria said:
I think it's awesome how you take the "hate" out of "hate mail" by making it funny. That crap doesn't have the power to hurt you (as much) when you share it, because other people can see how ridiculous, stupid, and untrue it really is.
I wrote today about how it would be cool if someone made a blogumentary. I'm sure you'd definitely make it to the top of the "People We'd Like to See" list. :)
http://zandria.us/archives/main/2007/03/16/wanted-blogumentary/
488. coraspartan said:
Oh my God (and I'm not religious, by the way...hahaha), that picture of Chuck was the best picture EVER! Seriously. This may be my favorite post ever, too. My three favorite things about this post are (in list format for Paul, of course):
1. Chuck's photo. He looks fucking pissed that you're taking his picture. My dog always looks ashamed when she's taking a poop.
2. The utter lack of understanding of proper grammer and spelling on the part of your hatemailers. Is it a requirement that all hatemailers be total morons? I'm sorry, but it really undermines their credibility.
3. The comments on this post. Some of them made me laugh as hard as Chuck's photo. I love the one where someone said that since they're a vegetarian they must not have any emotion. Fantastic!
I'm sorry, I know it's wrong, but I LOVE your hatemail posts. They are the best! I really love your blog--keep at it; screw the haters!
489. rose said:
so anyway, how's the poopin' goin'?
490. princessmombi said:
Oh my god, Heather... I just can't say enough how much I adore you!! Can we be BFF's?
491. JLJ said:
Heather,
First, obviously, we are all moving to Utah now for the free tampons. Even the IDEA of free tampons makes me want to rejoice.
Second, in reference to what someone else here said about the frying chicken comments and Deland, I believe what Heather was referring to (I'm speaking for you now, Heather, so stop me if I'm wrong) was Deland's 'southern countrified' persona, not any particular ethnicity.
As I too am from the South, I'm going to agree with her here about the chicken frying thing, as I have relatives just like Deland, all countrified, Nascar-lovin', overall wearin', truck drivin' little rednecks, every one. Sigh. You gotta love them. Well, you don't GOTTA love them, but sometimes they have a lot of guns so you should at least put up a good semblance of loving them to their faces.
Third, I am deeply in love with Chuck, love all pictures of Chuck, would stalk Chuck if I had more time to do that--because he is so adorable and can sit with objects on his head, love the new picture of Chuck, and am horrified by the idea that someone thinks it would be great if Chuck ran away. Yuck, he who sent that e-mail--is a bad person whose soul needs a tremendous overhaul.
Finally, I love it when you run the hatemail, Heather. These people are so very stupid. It's enjoyable to see their stupidity on display so openly and hatefully. I'm especially in love with c'ant. How interesting that her mistake should look so much like another word, one that describes her personality ...
Also, maybe the contraction stuff is a new fad we don't know about--a faddish desire to contract words in the wrong places.
M'aybe i't w'll b'e e'very'where soon' t'houg'h it wont b'e in the p'lace its actua'lly n'eeded.
Ouch. It hurt to type that.
492. Flambo said:
Holy shit!!! Who are these motherfuckers??? I can't believe we still BREED people like this. Heather, PLEASE post their emails one day so we can actually show THEM what we think of their cracked-up punctuation and opinions on slaughterhouses. I think it's only fair.
In the meantime, you rock.
493. HeathsB said:
love the "bandits" reference of "beavers & ducks". i also yell that to unsuspecting children.
494. Sara said:
I have got to stop drinking while reading your website. I almost spit out all my tea on my laptop as the Chuck picture came into view. TOO FUNNY!
495. Indigopyro said:
Heather - You are my hero. :) I think you are awesome - have a wonderful day!
496. JLJ said:
PS--I agree that Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass has to be on the April masthead. Please?!?
497. Scott Murdoch said:
What's best about the hate-mailers is both how entertaining they are and how much better they make me feel about myself! Like you, I suffer from depression, etc. But then I think, whoa - at least I'm not as spitefully twisted (and grammatically inept) as THESE people! :-)
498. saffyre9 said:
That picture of Chuck nearly made me pee my pants! Thanks for that :)
499. southerngirl said:
BTW, my whole Christmas wreath rant--sarcasm. I went back and read it and thought "some people might think I am actually that big of a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass".
Heather, I've got a sign in my kitchen that sums it all up for me: "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
500. MsGonzo42 said:
Sweet Jesus. I fucking love your hatemail! I think that would be one of the best parts of having a blog - being entertained by the nimrods who choose to criticize you for being smarter than them. And having no shame in sending off these hysterical missives as if it might make you think, "Oh no! This person hates me! O Woe is ME!"
I think it's right & proper you tear them up publicly.
Now - just don't post that overly-informative email I sent you re: Siamese Fighting Fish. Cuz then everyone will know I'm a big nerd.
501. Paula said:
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
I even cried for laughing so hard!
I still dont get it why people bother to write hatemail. Really. Makes no sense at all.
502. schmutzie said:
This just makes me wish that I got equivalently ridiculous hate mail. I'm jealous.
503. Sarah said:
Wow, and here I had almost written in saying how much I love your dog and that the entire Chuck-themed week had cracked me up. But clearly Maurice has the better perspective. Ahem.
504. Heather said:
I kind of wanted to see the x-ray.
505. Lisa J said:
Seriously, Heather, you rock. I can't quite figure out their motivation - I think some of them must think they're being constructive, when really, they're just being dicks. I love how you post these with your responses in this very matter-of-fact "fuck you very much" kind of way.
506. leene said:
Just one question: What kind of Lipgloss is that? WHANNAHAVEITTOO!!!
Love the site, don´t change a thing.
And get well soon!
507. frifri said:
Lipgloss is the only true way we can reach salvation. It is a fact.
That, and it makes you fabulous when you're not feeling so faboo. I think this clearly reveals the hatemailers as being in desperate need of heading to their local Target and picking up a pile of Lipsmackers.
508. defaultlisa said:
When you write a post about hatemail, I always wonder whether the authors of those "gems" realize how deranged they sound. Are their lives really so terrible or so boring (and are their social skills so few) that they need to lash out at someone they disagree with?
I also think that some of them are projecting their own problems/fears onto you.
It's interesting. I hope you are able to screen most of it so you don't have to deal with it unless you're in the mood to laugh at the wasted energy and the sheer dumbness.
I think Deland might be a nine-year-old borrowing Mommy's computer. The others just strike me as loser adults.
509. Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said:
My brain burst forth from both my ears after the dog photo. You'd get a bill for the mess if I wasn't still giggling.
Cheers from your neighbor in Bendover.
510. Carol said:
You mean to tell me that all this time I've been living in Utah I've been missing out on FREE tampons?! Crikey. First I find out that we have a Pottery Barn Kids AND a Spaghetti Factory and now this. Who knew Utah held so much?!
511. June Cleaver said:
You are lucky! The only hate mail I get is from Guidos and Paris Hilton.
512. dilettante in distress said:
Apparently, this Maurice speaks from the pompatus of hate.
513. Cara said:
One thing I have never understood about hateful comments like that on blogs - if they think it is such crap and drivel, why do they READ it? Some of these people sound intimately familiar with you, like long time readers. Talk about people with NOTHING better to do to actually constantly read something they think sucks ass!
New reader and love your writing style - smart ass coupled with profanity? Right up my alley!
514. scouterpie said:
i don't have a husband or a kid. thanks for sharing yours. i hope you make a gazillion dollars a year for this entertainment,,,i mean i don't dial up to see what jennifer aniston is thinking and she makes at least that. thank you.
515. bklyngirl said:
Heather, I've been meaning to write for a long time, but today's entry inspired me to finally get off my butt and do it because you might need some extra support. I think you are AWESOME! I log on almost every day, and am usually muttering under my breath, "come on, Heather, make me laugh," as I am a stress monkey and mother of a toddler boy. You ALWAYS deliver. How many people can one say that about? And, to counter one of your hate-mailers, you are quite beautiful. And brave. So they should kiss off. You rock.
516. plummerjen said:
Hysterical...your cynicism slays me...love, love, love it!
517. dre said:
OMG! I can't believe the one from Deland - who the hell names their kid that!? I almost peed my casual Friday pants. THANK YOU, I needed a good laugh today.
p.s. Please do not tease me with promises of infected sinus diagrams, I'll be waiting... :)
518. Lisa said:
Dooce,
I think it’s awesome that you take people’s criticism and turn it around on them. I’m guessing these people have nothing better to do? I wish more people would take time to say positive things to one another, rather than break them down. The world would be a much more peaceful place if so! I also think it’s awesome that you blog for a living… you get to spend more time with your family and I doubt you’ll regret that in 20 years. Keep up the good work!
PS - Anonymous II knows nothing. You are too hot, and I should know 'cause I'm a big lezbo!
519. Rachel said:
people are dumb. but you are not dumb. you are awesome.
520. Scott said:
Heather,
I don't always think you're funny. Sometimes you make me sad. Sometimes you make me happy. Sometimes you annoy me. And sometimes I'm laughing so hard my wife hurries into the room because she thinks I'm choking.
Damn if you aren't the best reason for reading blogs on the face of the planet!
Screw the idiots! Thankfully, there are intelligent people out there!
And... yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to set the record for most exclamation points so far!
So that I can be comment number 519!
Scott
521. Lori77 said:
I pretty much always laugh when I read dooce. And on the two occasions that I've managed to convince my husband to read (one of which was the recent bit about Leta hurling across the bedspread), even he cackled. When you posted the photos of your recent home decorating, I shared your link with my home decor message board (which resulted in lots of fun and interesting discussion), and my heart ached for you when I read about the trials of Summer 2k6. So I guess this site has sort of become a part of my life.
But nothing, NOTHING, has ever moved me like this:
"You are also well within your rights to insert an apostrophe anywhere you think it seems cute — I particularly like the one in c’ant, right there at the beginning, like it’s flashing CONTRACTION AHEAD! CONTRACTION AHEAD!"
I still can't stop laughing; I feel like I'm Uncle Albert in Mary Poppins and might actually float right up to the ceiling. May the hate mail never end. Cheers and chocolate cake to you!
522. Postmodern Sass said:
Thanks SO much, Heather, for ruining my new PowerBook G4. When I saw your reply to Maurice I spit my coffee at the screen, which caused me to gasp, which then set off a coughing fit the likes of which haven't been seen since I had that bout with tuberculosis as a kid. There is now gunk oozing into the keyboard that simply cannot be described in polite company, but which, if you email me, I will describe just to you. I might even show you pictures. That is, as soon as you send me a new digital camera to make up for DESTROYING MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
523. Heather Anne said:
I can't believe there are people who send emails like these. It makes me want to move to another planet. Seriously people, invest in a spelling or grammar checking program. My GOD!
524. tropicalpopsicle said:
Heather - you are my writer hero. You are not only lucky to do what you love, you are great at it. I get angry, cry, and laugh out loud often at your words and pictures, and look forward to Chuck Fridays. My favorite so far HAS to be the Chuck pooping shot and the way you delivered the picture. Even if it stings, I hope you don't take those negative hate mailers to heart. Listen to all of us singing your praises and believe THAT. I still don't get why they d'ont (ha ha) just quit visiting your site if they hate it that much.
525. jenr said:
Heather, you are an amazing mother and blogger. You should be paid for your work on this website and deserve whatever money you get from it.
Envy often causes hate mail.
526. MeganNZ said:
I've only discovered your site in the last couple of months and I spend way too long reading over past entries. I stay home with our baby boy and your site is a great way to avoid doing anything productive like housework.
Thanks for writing such funny, honest posts.
Chuck is a superstar.
527. solaana said:
Color me stupid, but what's a mundan nerd? Sounds like Gunga Din or that weird Jamaican alien in the Star Wars prequels.
528. Tek said:
when they start delivering the tampons, then I'm definitely moving to Utah or at least visiting, maybe.
and the Chuck picture response- priceless and oh so appropriate
529. Blogosaurus Vex said:
I cheer for your dog-poop picture! Cheer!
I find it amazing, if not a little sad, that people have nothing better to do than slag other people online. I of course have plenty of better things to do than slag the slaggers online, but today I make an exception because I can't stop myself from cheering for your dog-poop picture! Hooray for you! :)
530. Jeannine Silver said:
I freakin' love your site! I have been reading it for over a year now and I just love it. I find it truly humorous that people feel the need to say the things they say. I guess ignorance truly is bliss! Keep up the good work. Leta is absolutely beautiful!
531. Blogosaurus Vex said:
I cheer for your dog-poop picture! Cheer!
I find it amazing, if not a little sad, that people have nothing better to do than slag other people online. I of course have plenty of better things to do than slag the slaggers online, but today I make an exception because I can't stop myself from cheering for your dog-poop picture! Hooray for you! :)
532. Julie said:
Wow,
The absolute audacity of people never ceases to amaze me. Just because you "blog for a living" certainly doesn't require any of these people to be a consumer of your blog, and therefore does not give them a right to criticize as if they bought your blog only to find out it was full of termite damage. I always enjoy your hatemail posts, although I suppose that in itself is kind of sad. But hey - for better or for worse, as long as they keep reading.
Cheers!
533. Sarahnadian said:
Brilliantly hilarious!
I hope I am as privileged as you someday so that I might be blessed with hatemail as thrilling as yours. Or any hatemail at all, for that matter.
After doing the two-finger Mac scroll for endless ages to get down to the bottom in order to comment, I am totally in favour of closing the comments after 48 hours. That might even be pushing it.
Thanks to Chuck for being the guinea pig for such an eloquent response.
534. kristen said:
Does it ever make you want to quit? All of those wonderful things said to you? Or do you just laugh at them? I'd laugh at them.
I've never once in my life commented here because, well, 550 comments? Do you really read them all?
535. Sarahnadian said:
P.S. For us newbies, what IS "Dooce", anyway?
536. kristen said:
Oh, and here's my three guesses why people email you those thoughtful comments:
1. Because they want their 15 minutes of fame on Dooce.
2. Because they think they'll be famous if they get their email published on Heather's website.
3. Because they want to be famous and think that by emailing Dooce, they might get published here and get some sort of fame from it.
Just my guesses. ;-)
537. alilane2003 said:
I just laughed so hard I almost threw up on my keyboard. Really, best post ever.
Your site is one of my top 10 favorite things, Heather!
538. Amy Maude said:
*Officical Delurking*
That photo of Chuck is amazing. He has no shame... Just looks straight into the camera. My dog has learned to look away from us when she is... uh... busy. Kudos, and don't ever let those hatemailers get to you!
539. John Dickerson said:
So I just laned at an airport and checked my email. It contained some of my own very harsh reader email. I blew it off to come here and what do I find? More great email from insane people-- apparently they have your address too. Thanks as always for the laugh and the reminder that the unfortunate fellow whose email I had just deleted is not a reasonable person whose opinion I should care about, but some crank full of train oil, stubble and hatred.
540. Lana Gradasoff said:
Chuck's photo is beautiful! Good dog!
541. schwa said:
I especially like Chuck when you pose him nekkid after a bath.
542. schwa said:
p.s. In Casa de Schwa, the act of elimination will now be known as "copping a Chuck."
543. Victoria Barnes said:
Heather - part of my morning routine consists of drinking my coffee while reading your blog, but I have to be careful that coffee doesn't come spurting out my nose because you make me laugh out loud. Love the pic of Chuck. Screw everyone - keep doing what you do best. 20 years from now, maybe you can retire on what you've made from this site.
544. here today, gone tomorrow said:
Good thing I'm actively courting menopause, or I'd have to hustle right on out to Utah for them free tampons. Letting people's words speak for themselves and Chuck pooping... A potent, elegant retort. Yours is my favorite blog of all, period end of story. I'm glad you enjoy the success you do with it.
545. Mariana said:
Wow, 543th comment! This time you want to see how far we'd go????
It's a lot of fun, of that I'm sure :))
546. Jaycee said:
Well, sheeeeeit!!!!! While comments are open I'm going to leave this really mundane comment. I hope you have a good laugh with all your hate mail cause I sure did.
547. mamabraun said:
Your ability to receive hate mail from morons and not begin to rant and rave back at them is truly amazing. I knew there were crazies in the world, but I never realized so many of them read your blog!
I am a recent fan (within the last year) but completely devoted to your wonderful family and incredible sense of humor. How wonderful that you can make a living doing this so that you are able to have all the family time in the world to share together. And I LOVE Chuck. Keep those dog pictures coming!
Thank you for doing what you do and doing it so well.
548. John said:
LAUGHING OUT LOUD! Sorry for the cruel comments, but your stuff is brilliant.
549. Chloe said:
That picture of Chuck has to be included in next year's calendar. So sorry I didn't see this until now; would've been cool to comment on the Ides of March.
550. VannaLou said:
Free tampons in Utah?!
Why did no one ever inform me of this before I hit menopause?
gah!
551. AlaskanJenn said:
Seriously, what on earth is wrong with people... if they dont like your Blog, DONT READ IT! There are somethings you write about that I just dont get, or that I dont find totally fitting into my opinion... but OMG I dont take it personaly. After all, I am an exclamation point user, I use them ALOT!! I'm having a very hard time writing this and leaving them out actually, but I'm trying to restrain myself in respect for you. I think your a fantastic writer, I love your sense of humor,( its very much like mine) I love your openness and ability to share your life with depression. I too am on medication for it, and plan to be for the rest of my life, I should've been diagnosed when I was 9 years old, but in my family those type of problems were just 'in your head'. but the point of my novel here is... !!!YOU FUCKIN RULE!!!!
Thanx, Jenn
552. Treya said:
Wooooooo! I love it. The one about eating anxious animals. So am I to understand that all the calm people I know just managed to eat calm cows and pigs and chickens? Well, shit....why isn't there a market for this. I mean, every grocery store has an "organic" section. What about having a meat section with animals who weren't anxious when they died. I am going to stop taking my Celexa right now.....who knew?
553. nettogirl said:
WAIT!!
I live in Utah, and I had no idea about getting free tampons! What's the deal?
554. Lilbird said:
Christ. I do not know how you do it. Shit like that makes me want to move to Greenland (cuz I'm pretty sure people in Greenland would never send hate mail like that). I mean, what is wrong with people- the girl who typed with her forehead - I think we can all assume she's a little off. But the others? ....eyeroll.....
M'Lady, you have one thick layer of skin. You've handled it all with humor and grace - lovely.
555. girlears said:
When I read your hatemail posts, I feel like they're insulting me too because I've formed a delusional emotional attachment to your blog. (I will try not to wear partially tinted glasses and assassinate you in front of The Dakota.)
Maurice's comment was the most upsetting. Chuck has the face of a dog Fabio. How could your readers be deprived of this face? Maurice, you upset me.
556. amieable said:
Every time anybody sends you a trolly e-mail, or says anything mean, just send them the Chuck Crapping picture! It's the perfect amount of disdain and apathy.
557. Gooseberried said:
I love you, dooce! Way to make money due to your brilliant writing. With a family as cute as yours, it makes complete sense that you can make a living from your site.
If I see you at Blogher and approach you to introduce myself (a dream come true), I'm really sorry if the words don't come out. Or if I suddenly wet my pants. Or faint.
558. betsy said:
hey heather, i usually really enjoy your blog because it's genuinely funny. i'm really bummed that you would write something like "With a name like that you just know that his mama can fry up a chicken".i'm guessing that you don't mean it sounds like he's from the midwest.
559. KevinCharnas said:
I...can't...breathe...
you...have...reduced me...
to convulsions...and tears...
good lord, woman...
whew...that was so fucking funny, I can't stand it. And so here's the part where I thank you for it...
Thank you.
p.s. I think that I have a crush on every shithead that wrote such nasty stuff to you. Without them, we wouldn't have had this completely hysterical post. Who knew that I'd fall in love with fuckheads of this twisted caliber? My mother wouldn't be surprised.
560. jessiker said:
I really love it when you share your hate mail with us, your faithful readers. I appreciate that you're willing to turn on comments at all, and that you choose entertain any of us for a second. You are my hero.
And, wasn't "Amy" in Idiocracy? I thought so.
561. linda said:
You are one funny lady!
562. Carol said:
So how come these hate mailers don't post when you have comments open?
OH YEAH, because they know they're COWARDS. Right now they're all sitting at their computers, reading this entry and the 500+ comments and crying.
563. Jezzie said:
Not that anyone will get this far but I loved the dry itchy crotch reference. how much does it suck to be female when that happens.
564. anneelizmary said:
Chuck: Dumping.
OMG Heather. I love this and laughed and snorted out loud, wheezing enough to wake MY dog. I share sinus goo/migraine pain with you (it might be this tooth going south, but I still have the antibiotics and the good pain meds until the dentist appointment next week).
I love all the parts of your blog, your diary, your letters to Leta, your hatemail (well edited on your part)and always your choice of photos (especially this one! perfectly timed, placed, and perfectly sized to require scrolling down to see the shoulders, then the hindquarters, then back up to the face of Chuck saying "This is for you, Ass-wipe!"). Gee, did I say that? Being one in solidarity with you and all your good comment writers like KevinCharnas above (Breathe, KevinCharnas!, breathe! has made me very happy on this 10th consecutive day of miserable migraine. Thanks so much for providing us with the Dooceness!
Love to you, and your little dog, too!
565. roguephotog said:
I can't imagine how soul grating reading those emails must be the first time. But I love that you can turn them around and into something extremely funny. The picture of Chuck had me laughing out loud.
No matter the content, you're an amazing writer.It's a shame some people are lesser read and just don't get it.
566. Valeta said:
I love hate mail. I wish someone would hate my blog as much as all those jerks seem to hate yours. But then you might have to actually have a funny clever blog in order to get people to hate you.
:D
567. Sherry Ann said:
hey, fuck 'em if they c'ant take a joke.
568. jobiker said:
i enjoy your blog very much. you have a great wit and sense of humor - not unlike my own. the hatemailers are definitely an added bonus. just more people that need to get out of the gene pool! keep on truckin' heather!
569. sprite said:
The email and then the picture... I burst out laughing so suddenly the cat left the room.
You so rock Heather.
570. Leezer said:
Hi Heather. I really liked Amy's hate mail the best, with all those misplaced modifiers and misspellings. Is there a direct correlation between anger and bad grammar? Does one cause the other? Maybe she was typing with casts on both wrists after having broken them in a bench-clearing brawl. Or maybe she's stupid. Hmmmm.
571. jenjifer said:
Shame on you, Heather, mentioning tampons and FORCING us pathetic lemmings to look a at mother suckling her baby at her BREAST (the Boppy ad) on your website? What will you do next? Dissect kittens and feed the entrails to Leta? You're never gonna get into heaven like that.
Keep it up.
572. lilydustbin said:
Heather, your visual response to Maurice is a classic. You're simply a genius and funny and beautiful. Thank you for the best laugh all week ...
Lily
xo
573. JanaLeigh said:
I love hatemail posts! It cracks me up. NOTE TO READERS: If you don't like the blog or the content STOP READING IT. Wait, no scratch that. Keep reading and keep hating and keep sending ridiculous emails so that I can laugh hysterically at them. Thanks for your blog Heather - I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (20, thanks very much)
574. leigh austin said:
do you really read all of this kiss ass stuff? i would too...so how long does it take?
thanks for sharing the hate. i'm glad to know people are putting their creative writing skills to good use. or paultry use, as the case may sometimes be.
did you have to wear special underware when you were growing up? so you could go to heaven? just something i've heard.
575. Janette105 said:
HILARIOUS!! I laughed out loud several times while reading this entry.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog!
I'm going to think twice before eating dead animals that were traumatized. Thank GOD we now have the answer to what causes anxiety. Who knew? I'm going vegan.
People are scary! Don't you wish stupidity was painful?
576. crazydoglady said:
Fuck Maurice.
I would love to see Chuck EVERY SINGLE DAY.
577. mamap said:
Okay, so now along with those readers, you've pissed me off, also. I mean, if that lip gloss is so great, then why not share it with us? In doing so, you'll make all us female readers (and some male, I'm sure) very very happy. Then, you can get a sponsored link on the right, which will make the lipgloss distributors happy. And then, you get money to start your dog taking picture empire and YOU get happy. So the only people not happy? The people who aren't happy in the first place.
Think about it.
578. FRECTIS said:
I can't believe they give you free tampons in Utah! I'll be driving through soon... maybe I'll time the trip for that time of the month. Gas is expensive and I can use the break on products ;)
579. Flagstaff Girl said:
Wow!! Still scratching my head over the angst of the slaughtered beasts comment. Kind of glad I had the cheese pizza tonight. But wait. What if the goat didn't WANT to give up her milk...I feel angry.
580. moonrattled said:
Recently I read about a trend among Saltlake City Utah housewives to have a washer and dryer in every bedroom of the house. Um, how decadent is Utah?
581. cardshoppegirl said:
Share the name of the brand of lipgloss and whatever with the haters. I love that you can take that hater blahblah and make me laugh out loud with it.
YAY CHUCK!
582. liftedlorax said:
Oh the humanity!
Heather,
These angry people and their tyrannical rants are sadly comical. I especially enjoyed the sparks from the dimly lit set. Thank you for sharing them and for spicing up my mornings with humor.
Are any of your hate-mailers related to this guy?
http://www.brainshrub.com/blogmedia/images/2006/jan2006/get-a-brain-mora...
Best,
W
583. tessler said:
You owe me a new couch. I wet myself (and the couch) laughing when I saw the pic of Chuck.
Priceless!
584. CrankMama said:
Thank you. You just made insomnia funnier.
585. Debbie Ohi said:
Oh my dear lord. I only recently discovered your blog and love it. It's well-written, clever, and insightful, a shining beacon (shiny as awesome lipgloss, in fact) rising above the angst and mediocrity so prevalent in a bloated blogland. I'm totally hooked.
586. Jason said:
Heather, you are the most punk rock person I know.
587. Kate Xylophone said:
I esteemed you ever-so highly before; I give you little mental lauds and hounours for each and every entry (and usually laugh my ass of - or am touched - or I am moved to flatulence (in a good way)).
BUT - when you made the VERY SAME observation about Cetaphil that I had noticed so long ago (and did NOT share with a soul - I didn't think anyone would understand) - perhaps it IS semen (full of nourishing proteins?) - I knew it was true blog love.
Warmest Regards,
Kate
P.S. And here's preachin' to the choir, so to speak: If they hate it SO MUCH, WHY IN GOD'S NAME DO THEY READ IT?
588. Steph said:
Heather, I posted a comment the other day, and realized that I forgot to say - I hope you are feeling better soon!
589. Ktkat said:
Oh, I know it will take you approximately 347 days to get to my post, but I want you to know... YOU ROCK! It cracks me up NO END how much time and effort people put into sending you hatemail. It's like, they don't have anything better to do, or something... hmmm. Oh, and I love how they appear to be implying that THEY are good people, but YOU, YOU are the devil incarnate because you honestly, bravely, and comically let the world have a look at a REAL person's life. I'm sure they really hate all that when they are sitting home alone on the couch eating potato chips and scratching themselves. Must really be hard for them to move aside all the GOODNESS in their brains to come up with the tawdry, nonsense they toss as you.
As always, you deftly let it fly by. Remember... they will get back 10 times what they put out.
Oh, and YOU ROCK! Keep up the greatness.
590. David Buttrick said:
I dont care what anyone says, Heather, you're a genius!
I love your blog, and i enjoy reading your posts, too.
Take care.
Geek Dave
591. Jenn said:
I really think you should use that picture of Chuck and "what is that? poo?" as your next masthead.
592. WIBlondie said:
I'm on vacation with my husband right now - day 4, on our 6 days of spending every freakin' second together. And the situation is reaching drastic proportions. It with either laugh really hard at this post, or possibly poke his eyes out with a soup spoon. He's very glad I chose the former.
593. flytrixie said:
I think you should consider running for public office. Two reasons:
(1.) with your unorthodox but wise point of view, we'd have better government, and
(2.) people might actual start listening to legislators' speeches.
As a bonus, photos of Chuck in Powerpoints or in print would definitely jazz up the news.
Case in point: anything Dubya has said or done publicly in the last two years--who listens, who cares?
594. micahmaranda said:
You know, this kinda makes me want to send you anonymous hate mail just so I can read your well-written retorts. Oh, and by the way? Yes, sitting on your ass making a living by exploiting your family is DEFINITELY the American Cream Dream!
micah
595. anne_marie_oregon said:
holy crap. yoo rool. But did you seriously have to go there with the christmas wreaths, Heather??? This is my challenge to you ... hang a Christmas wreath from your pick-up, Heather. And don't wait till Christmas to do it.
596. Penny said:
"and I can’t help but think that bad things keep happening to you because you are a bad person."
Wine came out of my nose. Thank you Heather, you are a woman of strong character. And good luck with the sinus infection.
597. Lillian said:
Heather,
You can run me over with your car any time. Then, as I'm lying there bleeding, you can share how you get free tampons in this state, and what brand your awesome lip gloss is. I'll pick some up on my way home from the hospital. Next, I can sue you, you can write about it, and then you pay me! What an inspiration! Why did you not think of this before?!?
I wanted to be comment #600, but then comments will be randomly turned of at #599.
Thanks for the laughs and get well soon.
598. bushra said:
i have a question: do these offenders ever get back to you after seeing their names in lights?
599. Angellivia said:
The mail you get usually makes me laugh out loud in its absurdity but your responses have me clutching my stomach. More often than not I'm unable to read them out to my boyfriend because I'm laughing so hard and he has to come over to the computer to read them for himself.
600. Tate said:
I really find your blog entertaining and beautiful. And, way to live the American dream by making money any way you want. You are an internet entertainer, like Julia Roberts, only in Utah and with a smaller mouth. Check out my blog and tell me what you think. www.smore52.blogspot.com I want to make it better!