When a repressed urge becomes the worst case scenario
One afternoon last week Jon and I got to go to the gym together, something we rarely get to do anymore because someone has to stay home and prevent the kid from wrapping every surface in the house with toilet paper. When we do workout together I view Jon's company as a valuable motivator particularly if we score two elliptical trainers next to each other. When I lived in Los Angeles I often worked out with a gay friend who would choose the highest level on the elliptical trainer, and he was so in shape he would often talk in whole paragraphs throughout the entire workout. He set the standard, and no matter how many days a week I exercised or trained I couldn't ever keep up with him. My body just wasn't cut out to be a chatty gay man.
Jon and I are equally fit, but even if we do the same program on the elliptical trainer -- the same run of hills at the same difficulty level for the same amount of time -- he always burns at least 70 more calories than I do. I know that the machine is taking into account the fact that he is 70 pounds heavier, but it doesn't seem fair especially since he always walks in the door after a workout, heads straight to the refrigerator and pours a half a cup of caramel topping into his mouth. As a woman I can barely handle such an act of blasphemy. The Lord gave him 70 bonus calories and he has the audacity to just pour them down his throat. It shows a complete lack of reverence toward the thousands of women in this country who carefully meter out every calorie they put into their bodies, and he should be punished by having those 70 calories cut straight out of his thigh.
After our aerobic exercise we always stretch out on the mats and then do several sets of sit-ups on the crunch machine. During this specific workout Jon was standing about ten feet away lifting weights as I churned through my first set of 30 crunches. At about crunch 13 I was overcome with a sudden urge but didn't think much of it because I was concentrating on making it to crunch 14. The crunch machine at our gym requires that you lie on your back with your feet in the air tucked behind a set of bars, and there I was on my back, my feet elevated so that they were parallel with my head, my butt perched at the end of the vinyl seat like a little prairie dog poking its head out of a burrow.
As my arms came up over my head to complete the 14th crunch the urge that I had tragically ignored gave way to The World's Loudest Fart, an expulsion of air so quick and violent that it ricocheted off the vinyl seat and shook two 40 lb weights hanging behind Jon's head. It was so loud that I could hear it over the music on my iPod playing in my ears. I'll never forget the look on Jon's face as his arms collapsed to his side, as his body almost crumbled beneath him from laughter. It was a strange set of emotions I then experienced because on the one hand I just wanted to stop existing. I couldn't turn my head or move my body in any way because I might make eye contact with someone who had heard it and that would be more than I could possibly bear. I didn't want to be confronted with the reality that someone other than an immediate family member, that a stranger had heard me fart. That's a sacred song you don't share with just anyone.
On the other hand I was delighted that I had made Jon laugh so hard, so hard in fact that he had to walk it off and muffle the noise because he was bringing even more attention to the fact that his wife just farted loudly in public. One of my greatest joys in life is witnessing something that makes Jon laugh. Things are funnier when he laughs maybe because I've shared certain experiences with him that inform his sense of humor, and I can see the angle at which something hits him. It reveals his soul in such a magical way. I imagined him standing there with two 15 lb weights in each of his hands, his arms straining to hold them straight out from his sides when his wife who is positioned so that her body is shaped like a rocket launcher rips a trombone fart so suddenly, so authoritatively -- Behold, This is My Fart -- that the immediate shock of it feels like a cannon ball has been shot into his chest.
That's when the weights dropped, that's when his legs went wobbly because every part of his brain was trying to process the impossible. And then he saw how paralyzed I was, that my body had stopped moving, that I had sealed my eyes shut in an attempt to will my body into dust. And he knew that no matter how hard I tried to withdraw from what had just happened, no matter the distance I tried to put between myself and that gash I had just torn in the fabric of our lives, that I would never be able to reverse the fact that he knew that he was married to a Public Farter.
Watch Heather discuss her feelings about vaccinations on this episode of Momversation.
1. Melanhead said:
I cannot tell you the shear joy I experienced when I let one rip(ple) through my bridesmaid dress as we left my friend's wedding. Several hotel staff members heard it, and my husband did a very good impression of Jesse Owens as he made a beeline out of the building.
2. michelle said:
It's been years since I let out the loudest one I have ever heard, right in the middle of silent reading time in grade 7.
I'm dreading my 10-year high school reunion this summer, because I KNOW someone is going to bring it up.
3. Heather said:
Oh God! Thank you so much for the laugh, I needed it. Reading your blog is sometimes the only thing that keeps this military wife sane. I told my sis about you, and now she is hooked as well. Thank you so much!
4. Bucky Four-Eyes said:
Makes me think of the pilates class at work where half a dozen women queefed at the same time, while attaining the same position. A "wind tunnel", as one witness put it.
That's some chorus. Do you think Queen LaQueefa was there?
5. Amy Mingo said:
My husband is the best. I can fart in the elevator and he will say, "It's OK honey...everybody does it." And then he will blame it on the people who rode the elevator before us when other people get on. He rocks!
6. divinemissk said:
it is entries like this one that keep me coming back for that classic dooce humor. thanks for making me smile! have fun at sxsw.
7. A Knupfer said:
I really enjoyed the laugh...
I sit near a farter at work... all day he just lets them go - they used to be funny now I hardly notice, kind of sad!
8. Jeni said:
Okay, I just busted out in laughter at my desk. That was truly priceless and definitely foreshadowed with that title.
9. Heather said:
This post had me cracking up aloud. We've all had moments like that. As for what you said about Jon, it reminded me so much of my own guy, Steve. My mom once remarked that when you're around him, you just want to keep being as funny as possible because his smile and his laugh are both so ridiculously radiant and contagious.
10. Charles Hawtrey said:
"he should be punished by having those 70 calories cut straight out of his thigh"
But if you do that, then he's 70 calories ahead again... free to eat more caramel. Pretty soon you're in a viscious cycle, and you end up with a legless husband. ;)
11. Heidi said:
Hilarious! Even more hilarious because we've all had it happen at least once.
12. jes said:
Oh, Heather. I am shaking. And can't breathe. And blood is rushing to my head. And I'm beginning to convulse, and my abs are getting their own workout. Ouch. They hurt.
Must. Stop. Laughing.
13. Jessica said:
Is that as bad as a sneeze-fart? I've only had demure little elliptical-machine gym farts, probably the ab-machine farts are worse, since it's more force than just bouncing. But the sneeze-fart--you always hope the sneeze covered it up, but know that that is impossible, for the sneeze-fart is the loudest, most forceful of farts...
14. Amanda Paige said:
Priceless. You ought to be proud of your new status as a Pulic Farter.
Was your fart a hot, smelly one? Or just a loud poof of air?
15. Steph (Khya) said:
You really want to kill me! Gosh I laughed sooo hard I almost farted! This is even more funny because i think it's happened to everyone, and closing your eyes does not take you back in time so you can muffle the sound with something soft like a pillow, or cross your legs and swallow it down, ahhh I feel soo much better!
16. Nifle said:
My boyfriend and I try to retain from farting in public, but ofcourse there are times when you and your body are not in one accord. Sometimes the farts happen in the Accord, but I digress.
So, if one of us is going to have to do some damage in public, we have a code word: Itis (pronounced EYE-tus). Once the word is spoken, the other knows that he/she needs to make a distracting sound so that the Itiser is protected by the glaring looks of the general public. This protective noise system is what has kept us together for more than a year, especially since we both enjoy a lot of mexican food.
PS...I totally agree with the males burning more calories, they should be punished by watching Oxygen for one hour for every calorie burned more than their significant other!
17. Leah said:
You know, my husband always asks me why I'm laughing so hard... no TV on; just sitting with the laptop... then loud laughter erupts. I'm always at your site when this happens.
I haven't personally experienced this moment yet, but I'm sure I will. My sister is a waitress; she says when she has to fart she just stands by "old people's tables" because they smell bad anyway. Nice. So, I figure if I have to let one loose I let it loose by a little old lady with a walker and blame it on her.
18. Peggasus said:
Your secret is safe with us. We won't tell a soul.
19. John Foltz said:
The same thing happened to me when I was getting ready to perform at a gig. I had just unmuted the microphone when, lo and behold, I decided to lift the left buttock ever so slightly.
I have never heard a sound so pure and beautiful as a cheek flapper in stereo-surround with a 3-second reverb. The audience seemed to agree, especially my wife.
The look of terror in her eyes that night is what gets me through my day today.
20. Angela said:
That is the funniest thing I have ever read here (well, besides the story your cousin told you about passing out while pooping). It is also my worst nightmare.
21. Sandra Heikkinen said:
I actually did something really similar last week, on the escalator (exiting MUNI) on the way to work. I felt the onset and tried my hardest to keep it inside, but it was determined...oh, was it determined. Which is why despite my best efforts, it burst out (poor woman behind me on the escalator), practically screaming "I'M HERE!!!"
I decided the only possible option was to pretend like it never happened.
22. Emily said:
Just wanted to say thank you for the hardest laugh I have ever remembered having. Tears were literally running down my face. I love your writing. It really gives you a sence of being there when the story takes place
23. Mrs. Ricardo said:
This made me laugh! The joys of mariage!!
24. Kelly Ferry said:
And this, is the most incredibly explained reason why I love being married. When you can make a man fall down laughing. Especially because you farted in public. It didn't happen for us at the gym, it was while ordering fish at a very busy fish counter in the grocery store.
Thank you for this. It made me love my husband even more.
25. shellibells said:
I once coughed and farted simultaneously at my grandfather's funeral during one of those very "silent" prayer moments. My godmother was sitting right behind me and giggled histerically, while I sad red-faced and embarassed. I still cannot look at her the same...it's hard to face someone you have publicly farted in front of.
I still have a hard time letting them go in front of a significant other, but if I have to, I prefer the silent but deadly ones you can tend to blame on the dog. :)
26. truth said:
I have been a faithful reader for months, and I must admit Heather that this by far is the funniest entry ever! I laughed so loud I almost spewed soda across my desk! Thanks for the laughter.
27. Cindy said:
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. The same thing happened to me once in yoga class. I was mortified, but I thought it would be more humiliating if I got up in the middle of class and left. I laughed at myself all the home though.
28. kate gee said:
Oh fucking christ, this post made me laugh so hard I cried a little. What is it about fart references that send me over the edge?
Wonderful post... although I am glad it was you and not me ;)
29. Stepha1202 said:
My face is burning red for you- and for the time I let it blow during a classroom lecture in the 5th grade. I think that my face was perpetually red from the 5th grade through graduation thanks to the farting, braces, and lack of social agility. I sound like a real catch, don't I?
Thanks for sharing your toot story.
30. Dana said:
The very first time I spent the night at my boyfriend's house, I woke myself up in the middle of the night with the Loudest Fart Ever. I bolted upright in bed, my eyes wide open, and slowly turned to see if he was awake. Thankfully he wasn't and about a year later I finally told him. Now it's part of the reason why he loves me!
31. Jim Brodhead said:
Exquisite, young lady...absolutely exquisite...
Is it not a tribute to our country, no our whole civilization that we can now wink, albeit through teary eyes, at renegade flatulence.
Pity the poor canine who fires a shot since it cannot know the joy of fart forgiveness as your fellow offered to you.
We had a large Great Dane type dog who used to attain a state of critical inflation about 15 minutes after the lights went out at night. Despite his bulk and his appetite for road kill they were lttle stealth farts...we would hear a little phhhhhhhhh in the dark and we knew there was nothing to do for it but hit the dive alarm and count on our sheets and comforter to keep us safe from harm. When the smoke detector ceased it's chirp we knew it was safe to blow the main ballast tanks and surface again.
Farts are good if for nothing else but the humor they engender and the warm memories that go with them.
32. Thérèse said:
My favourite part about this whole thing is the fact that you closed your eyes and tried to pretend it didn't happen. And that your butt was exposed while you waited, frozen there, for the Earth to swallow you up.
Hee.
33. Snickrsnack Katie said:
This post had me laughing so hard that I had to clap a hand over my mouth so others in the office wouldn't think I am totally crazy. This so reminds me of when I go anywhere with my friend, who happens to be a chronic public farter. She even has the nerve to do it in elevators - where the sound reverberates and the odor sticks in the air for what seems like hours. You can practically see green smoke following her as she leaves. At least you can rest knowing that there public farters out there who are more public than you are - farters who are actually proud of their farts.
Thanks for giving me a chuckle!
34. Irina said:
As a woman with chronic bowel disorders of her own, I sympathize. It's too bad you couldn't have Leta at the gym; I often turn to my daughter on the subway and ask: Dear lord Sophie, did you just fart? Voila, no need to supress urges.
35. meegan said:
jon - watch out. it all starts with an "innocent" expulsion of gas in public. it's a slippery slope. and it's downhill from here. the walking farts are next. don't say we didn't warn you. ;)
36. FuturisticPlans said:
Once again... my coworkers are looking at me like I'm a lunatic because I'm giggling to myself. (I just tell them that Quark is an incredibly amusing program to work with.)
I remember my first day of yoga class... the instructor warned us that once our bodies relaxed, certain things may happen. I swear I was more tense than ever after leaving that class. This was a college class, with several Cute College Boys... so public farting was NOT an option.
Of course, after a while I learned to stay away from the Cute College Boy in class. Apparently THEY have no qualms with public farting. Or farting of any kind. Sigh.
37. erin said:
Oh, Dooce. I needed that laugh. Awesome. Thank you.
38. Carrie Johnston said:
Oh my god! That is such a funny story. And why does that always happen with crunches? I'm still mortified that that happened to me in the middle of gym class when I was in junior high, when not farting in public is one of the only things that matters, and that was 17 years ago. Just ripped huge one that bounced off the gym floor and pinballed all over the gym walls of the gym that was filled with boys and girls in my class. MOR. TI. FIED!
39. Baraka said:
I laughed so hard my abs got quite a workout.
Thank you for enabling my (only) daily aerobic exercise!
40. MelanieinOrygun said:
I am so glad I am alone in my office today. Otherwise, I would have had to suppress the hysterical teary-eyed laughter, which would make me look like I had Tourette's what with all the facial contortion, which is what I have to do when I read Dooce at work most of the time.
Priceless; may be one of the funniest tales I've read here.
41. jenn said:
And here I thought I was the only one guilty of this. I've shared this with my SO to prove that there are others out there like me. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone!
42. Nichole said:
gastrointestinal distress + a touching tribute to a loved one = Classic Dooce.
Thanks for the laugh!
43. paisleysea said:
That was brilliant - the most fantastic thing I've read in a long time. Thank you!
44. monkey said:
Hey, it happens to the best of us! At least you didn't try to pretend it was part of a coughing fit or a shoe fart! ;-)
45. The Queen Mama said:
Oh, sweet Lord. Laughing too hard.
But how have you possibly gone this long in your marriage without your husband witnessing a public rip? Surely you jest. Or perhaps that partially explains the long history of constipation? You must have a sphincter of steel, woman!
One of my earliest, dearest memories of my dating life with Hubby stems from a post-workout rip that I tried to stealth out. I had stopped by his place after a jog and was sitting on the floor talking to him, stretching my hamstrings, when the urge hit. You'd think I'd have learned that the laws of physics absolutely forbid sneaking one out when buttocks are planted on a hard surface. Apparently, I'd forgotten. It boomed, crackled and sputtered, all at the same time. He tried for a few seconds not to laugh, but it was useless. I was mortified.
We'd only been dating a few months. But I knew then that if he could find the humor in such indignity, he was the guy for me.
Thanks for sharing this. And I'm so happy you've learned that the world WILL NOT STOP if you happen to crack one off in public. It might, however, go into slo-mo so you can thoroughly relish the humiliation.
46. simzgirl said:
Been there. Done that. Unfortunately I was doing water aerobics at the time and the bubbles made it impossible to blame it on anyone else.
47. gabip said:
OMG, this was the best laugh I have had in a while. Jon should begin to worry when you light them on fire.
48. sara said:
I just read this to my 5 month old to attempt to get him to stop fussing. He grinned through the entire post and grunted at the end. I think he woukd enjoy your farts, Heather.
49. sb4321 said:
I am a TA in a college class and I was sitting in the back of lecture while slacking off and reading your story. I laughed so hard out loud that everyone turned around and stared at me like I'm an idiot. Worth it for that great story!!!!
50. Kassi said:
Priceless. I feel the same way about hearing my husband laugh, and being the one who caused that laughter. Though...I haven't tried Public Farting yet. I also have not ruled it out.
51. AKMIKE said:
I had the same thing happen in the gym while benching 320lbs. I almost droped the weight. Lucky there was only one guy in the gym. He was really impressed. He was a business prospect that i have since stopped contacting. He even asked if I was ok. The force was such it should have ripped something.
52. Mrs Ca said:
Thank you so much for a great laugh. I really needed it!
53. sara said:
I just read this to my 5 month old to attempt to get him to stop fussing. He grinned through the entire post and grunted at the end. I think he woukd enjoy your farts, Heather.
54. jamelah said:
Ah, flatulence, you comedy goldmine. Thanks for the much-needed laugh. I'm crying just a little.
55. The Mighty Jimbo said:
for every male i have ever met, farts are always uproriously funny.
when my dog has gas that would choke a maggot and let's it fly in our car on long road trips, i still laugh as i vomit out the window.
dooce, you rule. and don't feel so bad. every gym rat in the world has let one fly during a crunch. personally, it's the squat fart that kills me dead.
speaking of dead, i have to go walk the dog. jeeeeeeeesus. what do i feed him?
56. barbie2be said:
oh my god, i didn't know it was possible to snort beef jerkey out of ones nose while laughing. thanks ever so much!
57. ceece said:
I'm a snarter. I did it Christmas morning in front of the entire in-laws. Yeah, good times.
Funny, you're embarassed that the 20-30(?) people at the gym heard it, but you just told everyone on the internet about it.
That just proves how differant it is to actually fart in front of someone, rather then just giggle about it afterwards.
58. anniem said:
Ah, the crunch-fart! A close relative of the cough-fart and sneeze-fart. Truly priceless moments, thanks for sharing your humiliation, it made my day!
59. Be Still said:
Too funny!!
It isn't every day that someone creates an socially acceptable opening for an adult to tell a fart joke, so I have to share.
How do you know if you are a tight-ass?
You fart and only dogs can hear it.
60. Tanya said:
Things really are funnier when Jon laughs. I don't even know him, but I didn't really start giggling until I got to "his body almost crumbled beneath him from laughter."
61. Sharon Faulk said:
Oh thank you for sharing! I especially love to laugh at the expense of others. Of course I won't be able to do a crunch in the next 5 years without fearing my own explosions. (Good thing I don't exercise.)
62. Rob said:
Now that is just some seriously funny stuff. I have shared this site with many friends. Always good for a laugh... thanks Heather.
63. Tara Whitney said:
what i want to know is how you are ever EVER going to show your face there again!
and did anyone say anything?
see-thats just the bookworm in me-i need the happy ending!
(i also LOVE making my husband laugh.)
64. wealhtheow said:
My worst is letting a silent but deadly one fly while walking up the escalator. I pity the poor man following me.
65. Maniacal said:
When I first started dating my husband he would leave the room to fart. Reluctantly I did the same for a week or two (we were friends for a while first) Then I told him, LOOK I can't do this anymore....my stomach hurts!!!
It's really ok....FART for gods sake!!!
We are now happily married and fart around each other all the time!
The End
66. William said:
The other day while my wife was talking to contractors at our house, my two year old son was standing next to her but out of view of the contactors, when he did a trumpet fart. My wife nearly died because she knew the contractors thought it was her.
This is a great story as ususal for you.
67. Kim said:
Thanks for sending the girl scout cookies out my nose and all over my keyboard. It was worth it!
68. E-Lo said:
You not only succeeded in making Jon laugh.
I laughed so hard I farted.
69. Molicious said:
Oh dear god! That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. You also just lived through one of my worst fears, EVER. I have a huge fear of farting in a public setting, mostly the fear of farting in one of my college classes. Cause if that happened, I would have to drop. Immediately. My degree be damned.
70. Lynnlaw said:
This happened to me in my pilates class a few months ago and I WISHED that someone I knew and loved would have been there to laugh at me. You give me hope that one day, I too, may find the man whose knees will weaken at the sound of my public fart. Cheers!
71. Luv2Ballrm said:
OMGoodness!!! I was laughing so hard that I had tears coming from my eyes! The people in the cubicles next to me were wondering about me...sudden bursts of laughter are rare around here.
At least you didn't have a trainer standing next to you....even more demoralizing.
72. rockr girl said:
i have actual tears running down my face. i stopped breathing i was laughing so hard, and my co-workers are now wondering what could have brought me to silent crying laughter. sweet jesus, other people's pain and gas is funny!
i have been in similar situations (i admit to being highly gaseous), and even had the rarel opportunity to fart in a friend's face one afternoon as he takcled me at a full run, throwing me over his shoulder, my ass now next to his face. we both collapsed from laughter (which only makes you have to fart yet again, btw).
it cuold have been worse. i mean, it could have been repulsively stinky, too.
73. lawyerish said:
I once met a newlywed who told me that she and her husband had never farted in front of each other. When they felt an unstoppable urge, they would run into another room to let it out.
Clearly, such people are on a short track to divorce.
I'm pleased to know there are strong marriages out there, yours and my own included, that do not suffer from this kind of crippling repression.
To be totally unoriginal, I have to say that your site reminds me of this line from Catcher in the Rye: "What really knocks me out is a book, when you're all done reading it, you wished the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it."
I'm obviously not alone in this! Keep up the great work.
74. Dr. To You said:
Oh come now Heather...you asked him to pull your finger, didn't you? hahaha!!!
75. rivetergirl said:
From one Public Farter to another, always, ALWAYS pretend it was someone else.
My husband I were shopping for shoes and I passed a seriously rank Silent but Deadly. The sales girl showed up at precisely the time that he smelled it and I disappeared, thereby, leaving him with a stink cloud and no one else to blame it on.
76. Amanda B. said:
You ARE a stinky farter monkey.
Joy.
77. dancingnancy said:
I hate reading your entries at work because this office is just not the kind that allows high-pitched, squealing, breathless laughter.
I was on my high school drill team (at a school just around the mountain from you in Bountiful!) and we always began with lots of stretching. There is nothing like bending over, legs straight in a near split position, and waking your groggy team mates with a morning queef.
78. amandagibson said:
Nothing like a little public humiliation to get me laughing so hard that I cry! Girl, you are too funny! Thanks for the laugh!
79. Nickie said:
I've been married for 6 and a half years, and with him for 8. After many years of very carefully never farting in his presence, it's grown too tiring and I don't worry about it anymore. So after all these years together, and oh, 5 years of me farting in front of him, my husband still laughs *every single time* I fart, regardless of volume, length, or odour.
Therefore not surprised at Jon's response! I keep hoping my husband will 'grow up' and not laugh everytime... But I'm realising it's not looking promising.
80. Baraka said:
>> That’s a sacred song you don’t share with just anyone<<
I had to comment once more - I was the one at the beginning of our relationship who expounded on the perimeters of farting in front of each other (basically, disallowed under all but the most dire circs) and now I am the one who finds herself constantly mortified in frotn of my fartless husband.
Funny how it the rules come back to haunt you, innit it?!
81. Baraka said:
>> That’s a sacred song you don’t share with just anyone<<
I had to comment once more -
I was the one at the beginning of our relationship who expounded on the perimeters of farting in front of each other (basically, disallowed under all but the most dire circs) and now I am the one who finds herself constantly mortified in front of my fartless husband.
Funny how the rules come back to haunt you, innit it?!
82. FlakeyBlakee said:
OMG heather! I think I just pissed my pants! Thanks for the great laugh!!!!
83. TNW said:
You had me laughing out loud in my cubicle. Especially funny because you are so shameless on your web site and it is quite charming to know that even you get embarrassed in public.
I once took a yoga class with an older woman who let out a toot for every new position--you try focusing on your down dogs with that kind of music going on!
84. JenC said:
oh. my. god.
I chortled out loud.
So loud that co-workers think I'm the one who farted.
85. Amy said:
My daughter, who is now 4 Months Old, shoots out big juicy farts when we're in very quiet, public places. And everyone turns and looks at ME instead, because she looks too sweet to POSSIBLY have committed such atrocities.
I know she does this on purpose, just to get back at me for trying to feed her bananas.
Thanks for the laugh!
86. Bird Lover said:
That is AWESOME! I would like to say that I am kaughing with you, but I am most certainly laughing at you. Public farts are not protected under the Kindness to Strangers Act.
87. Amber said:
I believe that humiliating episode entitles you to 70 calories worth of any-flavored topping you want.
88. Amybobamy said:
... and this is why I fear publically being anywhere while exercising...
89. hopefulloser said:
That was so romantic! I loved that story!
90. Doll said:
Wow, of all the posts to leave the comments open you pick this one. You're too funny.
My husband and I aren't yet to that point where farting in front of one another is done. We've only been married 7 months so I guess the farting outloud stage is still a ways down the line. Ah the things to look forward to in married life!
Try coming to New York and sneeking in a 'silent but deadly' fart onto a crowded subway. Good times.
91. Rebecca said:
Your story leads me to believe that there will come an embarassing moment in every person's life that will bring them closer to the person that they love forever.
92. mitzi said:
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm sitting here in my office laughing and crying at this post. You are so friggin' hilarious!
That made my day!
93. alibree said:
well, did it smell??
i laughed so hard, i had tears rolling down my face, thank you.
94. Danielle71 said:
Nothing like being 7 months pregnant, having a cold with a terrible cough, a weakened bladder and reading the funniest thing I've read in ages. I'm going to have to start wearing Depends.
Thank you Heather. You are the female David Sedaris. I'm still weezing with laughter.
95. 5thape said:
Very funny story.
I had a similar thing happen to me but I was doing an old-school situp with my friend holding my feet down, his head was positioned perfectly to receive my gift. Once the smell hit he began to waver but I told him to hold onto my feet because it was for a fitness test. It didn't matter though, I didn't go more than ten situps until the look on his face had me laughing so hard I couldn't finish.
96. Rebecca said:
So funny I read it, rolled around on the floor for a couple of minutes, and then read the whole thing aloud to my housemates.
You should write a children's book: Everybody Farts
97. Samantha said:
Wow! The myriad of emotions, the rage of the 70 bonus calories. The joy of working out together. The need to be swallowed by the earth instantly. The joy of watching your husband try not to pee himself with laughter! I am exhusted!
I belive this is right up there with the "in the middle of sex" fart.
98. onbeelay said:
Bravo Heather! Best post since forever. Its the overshare we crave!
I think my husband feels your embarrassment....
We were out to Godzilla the other month in one of those theatres with the lovely theatre seats and during a partiularly calm moment he let one rip RIGHT on the head of the cute little grandma in front of him. The look of pure horror and trappedness that was plastered on his face at that moment will be something I cherish forever. We had to run out of the theatre before the lights came up to avoid that awkward moment of non confrontation that comes from making a social faux pas of that magnitude. At least you didnt fart on someone ELSES head.
But I still take him out in public.
99. Rebecca said:
After I had been with my fiance for a year and a half, one day, he solemly said to me "Rebecca, I have to tell you something. I'm a farty guy. I fart all the time. But I've been holding it in for a year, and I just can't anymore. Sometimes, when we are hanging out, I have to leave and go home because the farts hurt so much. I can't hold it in anymore, and if you can't take it, we have to break up." And MAN, he wasn't lying! I thought it was so funny there were tears running down my face.
Here's to farting spouses, wherever they may be! : )
100. catheroo said:
Here you are, doing something good for your body and it goes and betrays you like that! That's just wrong. And hilarious.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months, and he has yet to hear me fart. This is by sheer luck, and one day, that luck will run out. Thank you for sharing the dangers of exercise, specifically, sit-ups.
Mostly, thanks for the laugh!
101. Christinathemom said:
I just shot pizza out my nose!
You should post a subtitled warning before you post something so beautiful! (put down the food, swallow your drink etc.)
I laughed with sheer joy and pleasure. I will be sharing with my husband and son. Who also happen to be members of the elite trumbone band. I wasn't born with such a gift, and the jealousy takes over every day.
thank you for sharing this with all of us~
yet another reason you are awesom!
102. Meegs said:
Oh god, I just laughed so loud I think I scared the person in the office nexted to mine! I honestly heard her jump, and its all because of your fart.
103. Annejelynn said:
"— Behold, This is My Fart —" --I lost it right there. I had been laughing hard enough, but to claim it such a way? "Behold..." I lost it and 3 of my staff made a beeline to my office to see what's so funny...
104. Kim E said:
This just makes me love you even more.
105. ieatcrayonz said:
This conjurs up some repressed memories of seventh grade civics class during a period of silent reading. I was sicker than a dog, and there in the silence of 30 odd 12-year-olds, I sneezed. An obnoxiously loud fart escaped me and ricocheted off the walls. As eyes quickly darted my direction, I whined, "It wasn't me!"
My teacher sent me out in the hall, adding to my utter humiliation. Later my friend told me I shouldn't have said anything. She thought it was the greasy kid sitting behind me.
Again, you never fail to entertain.
106. PaintingChef said:
Somehow you even manage to make public farting hysterical. Thanks!
107. anna said:
It's always rewarding to make the people you love laugh so hard they can't control themselves. Thanks for sharing with us!
108. Miss Hass said:
Oh my goodness. It's a good thing computer lab laughing isn't as stigmatized as public farting.
109. blondeinthemidwest said:
I just belted out the most annoying screech after reading this!! My boss just hailed "what the hell was that?!" Good thing laughing loud at work isn't against the rules! HA! You continue to make me laugh and smile every single day! Thanks Heather!
110. Carrie said:
I knew I was really married when I farted no holds barred in front of him. He almost keeled over from laughing so hard. He still giggles after 4 months of wedded bliss. I don't do it when he lets it rip :-/
YAY for Heather comments, btw! Always tear up at a Leta monthly letter.
111. terrytoons said:
only you could make a story about a ginormous public fart a sweet commentary about your relationship with the hubby.
i'm still laughing...!
112. notarockstar said:
I took a yoga class from a woman who would fart every time she would bend into a new position. She would try to cover up her farting by ringing finger cymbals. What is it with exercising and farting....
113. danioz said:
Embarrassment (at yourself) vs. joy (at Jons laughter) what a position.
Last week we had a situation where I let a particularly rancid one go then came into the study to tell my partner something. This is kindof how it went:
"Hey sweet, what-"
"Did you fart?"
"Well yes I did, got a problem with that?" (we have been together for a while)
"Well you cant bring it in here, the fart doesn't move. You keep it where it started, dont you know the rules!"
And he doesnt even read dooce!
114. JC said:
gotta love the public farting. some of the funniest public farts i've witnessed were compliments of cheerleaders. now that's public!
115. oromat said:
oooh. thanks for that. I so needed that.
116. Kerri Wood said:
I also live for making the boyfriend squeal with laughter. Hopefully, I will get a chance to try this method out soon...
117. Raughy said:
Love it. I was laughing so hard while my 7 month old daughter tried to eat my face that i'm sure we were french kissing. My husband and I have been together for 19 years, and since he's heard all my stories and knows all my funny tricks, it really makes my day when I get him to REALLY laugh, and it always comes as a surprise. I'll have to give thought to the blaster in public.....would require an intestinal fortitude that may be beyond my grasp, physically and metaphorically. Definition of true love: once, about 7 years ago, I told my husband I didn't find it funny when he farted in front of me, I just found it really repulsive. Since that day, he has not farted in my presence. Not once. As for blame, that's why people have dogs (preferably labs). Good suggestion on old people being the no-dogs-allowed-area dog substitute.
118. Denise said:
oh my goodness! this made my day ten times better!
119. Karen said:
Made my day! Any comments from your fellow gym rats? Here in Hawaii someone would be yelling "Who made fut? Stink, yah!"
120. Nat W. said:
That was great. Thank you.
Once in 3rd grade, on my last day of school there (we moved a month before the end of the school year) I totally let one rip. Everyone looks around like, "Who was that??" And then my best friend goes, "It was Natalie!!" Yeah, thanks, man. At least I didn't have to go and face them the next day...
121. kcbelles said:
Too funny! And I can relate - one of the treasures imparted upon me by my parental units is excessive flatuance. My SO is always teasing me that I come with sound effects.
I like to think that the good Lord has a wicked sense of humor - She has to have, in order to have thought of farting - lol!
122. Chloe said:
Lawyerish, you are so on the money. First marriage, husband and I never farted in front of one another. Six months after the divorce was final, I met the man who became my second husband, and he farted from day one. I eventually caved and now hold the record in our house for the longest fart duration (about 20 seconds - he was so impressed - the Energizer bunny fart). My favorite trick is to fart in a grocery store aisle while shopping with him and then making a quick getaway so everyone thinks it was him.
123. Dilara said:
Have you ever gone to yoga? Fart City.
124. Demery Ryan said:
If stuff like that happened at my gym, I'd go a lot more often! Gyms just aren't funny.
125. heather j said:
Most of the posters here missed the deep, meaningful intent of your post. That being; you connected with Jon on an intense, primeval level-- and that making him laugh is one of the joys of your life and the primary reason for your existence.
Am I close?
126. brandy said:
Atleast it smelled like roses....
127. mom on a wire said:
I love that your farts reveal his soul in a magical way. There is something very MARRIED about that.
128. mymothersfault said:
Yeah, this basically happened to me EVERY SINGLE DAY in gym class throughout middle school. At least until I started faking injuries to get out of gym class.
129. elle said:
I can't count the number of times I have burst out laughing while sitting at my desk reading your posts! Thank you so much for that.
You and your husband are so lucky to have each other. I am thankful for my wonderful husband every day - I only wish I could express it as well as you do.
BTW, I am happy you can support yourself with this blog! Shame on anyone who tries to make you feel bad for making a living with your writing.
130. Sam Merrill said:
Everyone here at work laughed really really hard. Thanks, we needed that. :P
131. jennIam said:
Tears are rolling down my face. Laughter. It hurts!
132. jennster said:
BWAHAHHAHA- good lord woman, i should not be allowed to laugh this fucking hard at work! HAHAHAH! stop farting in public!
133. Karan said:
I always worry that I'll fart in my doctor's face just as she's giving me a pap smear.
134. mm said:
OMG, that was a great entry today! You cracked me up. I know the people in my office must think I am crazy! First your entry was so funny, but then the comments have been quite entertaining as well.
Thanks for a wonderful blog! I read it everyday, and have told so many people about it. Keep up the great work. Have fun at the convention.
135. Lindsey said:
Heather... that was a fantastic post. I laughed so hard, then sighed at how sweet you and Jon are, and then read the comments, and laughed more.
I used to be a silent farter, and I have now evolved into my mother, meaning I can alternate between stepping on a duck, or the trumbone farts... It's all in the delivery.
136. Renae said:
Oh my goodness, that was hilarious!
Two fart stories:
When I was about Leta's age when ever my dad was holding me in a crowded room I'd wait until no one was looking at me and then I'd let out a loud fart or burp, then I'd say in a scandalized voice "Daddy!". No one ever believed that such a sweet, angelic looking little girl could make such noises.
One night when I was at my boyfriend's place I excused my self to go to the bathroom. It was really quite in the appartment, the roommate wasn't home, the tv was off, no background noise whatsoever. So of course, right as I was about to stand up I farted directly in to the toilet which served as an echo chamber, making what was quite possibly the loudest fart of my life even louder. This was followed by about 3 seconds of ringing silence before he started cracking up. He still gets the giggles sometimes remembering it.
137. Pete said:
Don't you hate when you try to muffle a fart by coughing, but you mistime it horribly, so when you fart, the cough comes a half-second too late? So it's like: "FAAAART,cough!"
Not cool.
138. dancingnancy said:
HIL.AR.IOUS.
139. jaroenke47 said:
I love your posts!
I knew I would marry my husband when I realized he wasn't embarassed by my tooting with every step while went running together along the Potomic. We are a fart friendly household.
Thank you for keeping this Navy wife sane. I am so glad I caught my fiance (now hubby)cracking up at your site 2 years ago! I've been hooked ever since.
140. Dirty Librarian said:
So, we recently had a gala party at work for the bigwigs. We peons were all required to attend and share in the hostly duties. I was, to put it mildly, a bit gassy that evening. Several times over the course of the evening I surreptitiously backed into a large potted plant to let loose a silent chemical attack. I swear, I watched that plant wither under the onslaught. I was thankful not only for the miraculously unusual silence, but also for my innocent face. Everyone around knew what happened, but no one pinned the deed on me. And that plant has never been the same since. Thank you, and goodnight.
141. schadenfreudette said:
this is the main reason i quit working with a personal trainer. he made me do pelvic thrusts and i actually farted on him. it was memorable to say the least.
142. katbliss said:
This is my worst nightmare. Thanks for the laugh.
143. Meepers said:
Oh Heather!
Anyone who gets 100 + comments for Public Flatulence: Pretty darn funny in my book. I recently had a similar experience, to wit:
How to Embarass Yourself for the Better Portion of the Evening:
Accidentally, ummm.. poot, aloud within earshot of not one, but TWO Italian guys* and your husband**. Outside. Loudly.
*Who could only be described in ringing adjectives like "Multo benne!" and "Con piacere!" and "Ohh la-la!" Sorry, that is not Italin at all, but... Aforementioned people are conversing at elevated volumes with each other and a third party (on the phone), in beautiful, melliflous Italian. You will never, ever see them again in your life, and they are gorgeous, HOTT and European. And we all know Euro = Automatically Classy. Right?
**Shouldn't that be in reverse order? Actually, I think not, because anyone who has held your hair back for, ahem, hygenic reasons... Can not be totally appalled by a stray toot.
You're not alone - as you can see. poooot!
144. Deer Luv said:
Whatever. I totally queefed so loud in yoga class that I wished it had been a fart.
True story.
:)
145. Kristen in Colorado said:
Ok, GIGANTIC GYM GAS aside, why is it that husbands have to giggle over farts like they're little children? When I fart, there's nothing funny about it... it just is what it is. When my husband farts, it's repulsive. Yet, these two events can make a grown man giggle like a little girl.
146. Jezer said:
Oh Holy Hell that was funny. You poor thing.
147. Heather said:
LOL ohh nooo! ok seriously Heather, and anyone else that loves Britney and her boobs, please go to pinkisthenewblog.com - he posts Brit everyday and its hilar...never mind the fact that some of his comments are really true and funny
148. Jane-Marie said:
Hysterical!! I'm always worried that will happen to me when I go for my brazillian!
149. Beverlee said:
Heather if you ever stop, THAT'S when you'll have to start worrying!
150. JustDerek said:
The thing I relate most to is that paradoxical moment - profound personal embarrassment counterbalanced by the delight of pure, undeniable hilarity, even at your own expense. That kind of stalemate happens to me more often than I'd care to admit.
Similar predicament: I'm in physical therapy for a back injury sustained in a car accident. Lately I've found that it sucks to be unable to enjoy the massage therapy portion of the appointment because I'm concentrating too hard on suppressing a gaseous blast from my ass.
That's it - let the fartecdotes continue.
151. Ashley said:
This? This is why the Internet exists. Thank you.
152. Michelle said:
OH CRAP!!!! That is such a great story. Every word woven to perfection. Tears of laughter have soiled my cheeks..............too funny, Heather. Farts are an unspoken fact of life. We all have are moments. There are the proud farters, the secret and ashamed farters, and then the liars that say they "do not" fart.
I personally am a mix between proud and ashamed. It depends on the company.
Thanks for making me laugh today!
153. dre said:
I went to a beginning pilates class awhile back, someone let one rip, I busted up laughing and the teacher looked at ME like I had done something wrong. It's a sad world when people stop laughing at farts!! Who thinks farts aren't funny!?
154. Lora said:
I can't even tell you how much I love your blog. This entry made me laugh out loud and reminded me of the woman who works out right behind me in an exercise class. At least once every two weeks she lets one rip that can probably be heard on the other side of the gym. Always during our ab routine. It makes me laugh silently every time, trying to keep going as if nothing happened, and not embarrass her any further. And having a 4 year old son, farts around our house are something to be proud of. He gets immense joy out of hearing his mom fart, so I indulge him every chance I get!
155. just jill said:
You just made my whole day... I haven't laughed like that in days!
156. susies said:
Nothing undoes me like a good fart story. Nothing. I am exhausted. I haven't laughed that hard in years, I swear. I want to read it again, but my nose is running, my stomach muscles hurt and I'm coughing up a lung - you know how you do that after an incredibly deep, long, cleansing laugh? You're like a lung emetic. Thanks!
157. leftygrrrl said:
I'm just recovering from a brutal migraine and in my vicodin-induced haze, that was the funniest thing ever. A blood vessel in my frontal lobe may have burst from the explosive laughter.
158. arushingmd said:
too. much. laughter. can't breathe.
159. Suzipoop said:
laughing so hard at work, i could not anwser the phone.....thank you for your consistent use of bodily functions to amuse me...
and who doesnt fart at the gym? is that not impossible? squeezing one out while bearing down on weights....i challenge you. :)
160. oldmusic5902 said:
Thank you for the laugh. Between this and "painful pooper goes to the ER" story... well, you're the best.
(I read medical records daily, and I am having a great time imagining what the med staff wrote in the chart for your cousin's visit.)
I say that one of these days you have to visit Constipation Ridge in Tennesee... which, I'm informed by the Virginia Trial Lawyers Association Journal, is located on Farfrompoopen Rd. And then you have to write a story about it. Or, at least take pictures of it.
By the way, don't you ever have problems with the, uh, other end? Like being a compulsive burper? Or something? Just wondering...
161. DDM said:
*Snort!* I just peed a little I was laughing so hard. You KILL me with the funny!!!!!!!!
162. MissKitty said:
Hahahahaha. This reminds me of my friend Louise, who finally managed to score a date with the hottest guy in her office. During dinner, he told her a joke or said something funny, and she laughed so hard that she farted. As soon as she realized that he'd heard it, she started to cry. They live together now. :) I don't know what's funnier - the farting, or the crying.
163. sravana said:
OH. MY. GOD.
Heather, this is why I lurrrrve you!
Just try eating dinner while reading that.
hahahaha!
164. tseliot said:
I am lol-ing.
I nearly choked to my death
on a Hot Tamale.
Worth it, though. My near death for this P. F. story.
165. David said:
During the summer, the univeristy I attended hosted many summer programs. A couple of us walked to the cafetieria for lunch and our friend let out a loud rip as we crossed in front of a bunch of elementary-aged children. Of course they laughed uproariously. Then another friend in our group yelled, "Careful kids she's a public farter!" Needless to say it took a while for her to live that down. If she ever has. But we loved her all the more.
166. katem9579 said:
Oh my. That is so hilarious. I also had a laugh just then that I havent had in many many months. Thank you. I totally get what you mean about Jon laughing. The farting we all have been there and done the same thing. Crunchies or any activity with your butt in that position enables the farting process and will blow anyone nearby to shreds. Its ok we have all been there and done that and no matter how many times it happens it is equally embarrasing every time!
167. espressobean04 said:
Hysterical. Thank you so much for the laugh.
My worst public farting experience was actually way back when I was a freshman in college, and I went to visit my friend at Michigan State. We drank lots of Zima that night, which I can't believe we didn't consider too putrid to ingest, but I digress. I've since learned that malt liquor in general makes me fart. Loud. So you know how it is when people live in dorms. Everyone stays in the same room, because that's just what you do. So this guy I was dating stayed too. And in this room with about 6 people in it, I fell asleep and farted so loudly that it woke me up. And when I woke up, I realized without too much trouble what woke me up because the whole room was laughing. This repeated a good three or four times, and then I was too mortified to relax so I sat up all night quelching farts.
168. jody2ms said:
LOLOLOL!!!
I laughed so hard I farted! ;*) Then I shared this post with my husband, with whom I only share the internet nuggets of gold!
169. Ellen said:
Ha ha ha!
I deem you worthy to share the titles bestowed upon me by my partner.
1. Foghorn Bum - A title arned after letting one very unexpectedly loud one go while his parents - who live overseas - were in the next room. Still cringing now.
2. Trumpet Trousers - when the oh-so musical ones come out, reminiscent of a jazz trumpet.
170. laurellz said:
hardest i've laughed all day, not that its too special to you the ways john's is, but this was hilarious.
171. pretty_paranoia said:
Oh My Gosh!!! I had to contain my laughter as I’m at work and it was really, really difficult!!
This story takes me back to the first time I farted in front of my boyfriend, we had only been dating for a few months and I always found an excuse to leave the room whenever I felt the urge to fart.
This particular time we were in bed having just made sweet, sweet love and we were joking about something or other when he made me laugh so hard a gigantic fart came careering out of my body and straight onto his leg.
I thought I would DIE if this every happened but I just couldn’t stop laughing for about half an hour afterwards as I just kept replaying that moment in my mind, but it didn’t really seem to phase him and were still together 3 years later so I can safely say I can now fart in front of him whenever I feel the urge.
The End.
172. eddeaux said:
OMW. that was awesome.
173. Heidi said:
This is fartastic! Thanks for the BIG laugh!
So, now we all know that you are a public-farter (even if it was involuntary). But, have you ever queefed (flatus vaginalis) in public? After I gave birth to my son, I went back to my regular yoga class. I totally expected that my body might react differently getting into certain positions since his birth, but I thought it would be along the lines of lack of strength or loss of flexibility. It wasn't. Apparently, my body hadn't gone back to normal "down there" and it had the uncanny ability to suck up air while in certain positions. The moment it happened I knew I was screwed - it was going to come out the moment I exerted myself. I tried to queef as quietly as possible. Let me tell you, when you try to queef quietly it doesn't work that way. Instead it was a series of short loud queefs followed by one long loud one. Just the thing a new mom wants to do to feel good about herself.
174. jamie said:
This is HILARIOUS!
My life has been riddled with fart memories. I am a farter. There is NO getting around it. In fact some of my fondest memories have farts in them. The most important fart memory I have is my first dtae with my husband. We went fishing. I was very. very. bored. So for a laugh, I sat down on his lap and farted. I thought for sure he would take me home and drop me off but he just laughed and continued to fish and then asked me to take a walk in the woods with him. We have been in love ever since.
And another is with an old high school boyfriend. We were home alone, and fooling around in the KITCHEN. We were making out and he lifted me onto the counter and when he plopped me down on the countertop, I farted so loud that he dropped to the floor in laughter. I was SOOOOOOOO embarrassed, I just grabbed what I needed to grab and left.
And, out of the 3 memories I have of going to Disney World when I was 4, was me and my 2 brothers in the back seat of the Pontiac and my oldest brother ripping a winner on the vinyl part of the seat and my dad telling us we couldn't roll down the windows because it was raining.
Ahh... childhood memories.....pffffffftttt.... oops.
175. Cassie said:
thank you Heather :) I definitely needed the laugh
176. AutmnDreams said:
I hope I never see the day that I stop thinking farts are funny. My husband, on the other hand, can't wait for that day to come.
177. honey bunny said:
that's an excellent story. i laughed while reading it. my husband said "what are you reading?" and i said "oh, nothing" because he just doesn't get the humor in farts. especially PUBLIC farts.
i think the last time my husband laughed (or farted) was the last day of school 1980. after that, he realized he was entering high school and therefore could NEVER be so uncool as to laugh, fart, burp, or do anything that would make him out to be just your average 14 year old. he suddenly had this Mr Suave/Ladies Man image to uphold.
as for me, i let 'em rip all the live long day and laugh about it, too.
178. Dana Lynn said:
Only half a cup of caramel topping? At least he exercises some restraint.
179. Kelly Williams said:
Do you know how insanely hard I had to fight the bodily impusles to shout out with laughter so as not to wake my mom just now?
I'm suprised I didn't force a whole damn intestine out of my arse.
I've been reading your blog for a loooong time, got my mom hooked and link to you on my site. Thanks for always giving me a good laugh or smile (thanks, usually to the lovely Leta)...you rock.
180. KristieD said:
Too funny! Welcome to the elite club of public farters...You should feel special to a part of such a wonderful club.
181. AndreaBT said:
Comments! Are they really "back"?? Yeehaw!
My favorite line was the "sacred song" one. That, I believe, is when I actually snorted.
182. Vegas Vixen said:
Oh geez a lou, dooce! I was laughing out loud reading this, and am equally emabarrassed for you at the same time! How mortifying! But what an eloquant way you have of describing how you love to watch Jon laugh! My dear, you are so lucky to have found this kind of love. Both of you. God Bless you all....including that adroable munchkin of yours!
183. Gooly said:
Thanks for inspiring a laughing fit so violent that I nearly slung my laptop across the room.
You'd think I would have gotten wise after enjoying dooce-isms for a few months now... at the risk of becoming another gushing fan, I LOVE the site! Don't you want the World Tour to include a stop in Chapel Hill?
184. kristen said:
Haha, I'm so glad it's not just me who has these urges to just let one go at the gym. I mean like.. I'm clentching so hard while on a machine that it's a work out all on it's own.
And the first time I didn't clentch my ass hard enough and let one out, I was mortified. leave-the-gym-and-never-come-back mortified. I tried to play it off by coughing loudly and sneezing. No, it did not work. haha, I waited a week to go back and just prayed to the gym gods that nobody actually heard, smelled, or saw all this going on.
185. Erin said:
Heather, you are the funniest woman alive.
186. thrusher said:
God, great story. Thanks for the laugh!
187. Gombi said:
As a professional trumpet player, public farting is part of my everyday life. And Yep, after 10 years, I still wish I could hide underneath that carpet...
Thanks for the insanely everyday laughs ! You rock !
188. gavintiegirl said:
I can appreciate how you feel about watching Jon laugh. I feel the same way about my husband. Something happens to my innards when he has a hearty, nose flaring laugh. Watching him laugh makes my heart sing and to make him laugh, would be like my heart singing Opera.
189. :::BINARY::: said:
So the only thing that could make this post funnier is if BLURBOMAT posts his version of the event.
190. thexica said:
I farted pretty loudly once during a quiet yoga class. Somehow I was able to laugh with everyone else and no one suspected it was me.
191. Heather G. said:
LOL
This post made me nostalgic for the days when you spoke of little else but your boobs and constipation!!!
THANKS for returning to bodily functions.
and THANKS for opening up comments. Never have I read so many stories about farting!!
and THANKS ALWAYS for providing comic relief to all of your devoted following!! Do you ever get tired of hearing that?
192. dodgemedlin said:
After I read your hysterical post, I was flipping through the newspaper. I came to a headline that said, "Senator proposes testing flat tax in nation's capital." Except that for one brief, shining moment, I read it as "flatulence tax." It'd raise billions, I tell you.
And yeah, thanks for turning on comments. Fart stories are comedy gold.
193. TigerLambGirl said:
Omg, I have to share the funniest fart story in our family:
We went on a trip to visit the grandparents in Zimbabwe with our two small children. One morning we were all getting ready to go on an all day picnic. I was getting our baby dressed while my toddler was in the next bedroom with her grandmother (my mother in law) and their two labrador dogs, Jet and Jock, respectively.
I heard my MIL (mother in law) and my daughter chattering away to each other. Then a deathly silence fell. The next thing I heard was this tentative little voice saying, "Granny, did you just fart"?
As I sat their cringing - afterall, this was my mother-in-law, you know the sort, the kind-who-thinks-noone-is-good-enough-for-her-son - I heard my MIL reply every so cooly, "No dear, that was Jock."
"Oh, okay", says my gullible little five year old.......as my husband and I slammed pillows to our faces and peed ourselves laughing.
It was hard to look her in the eye the rest of the day without laughing.
Ah....fond family memories like these just makes life worth living, eh.
194. beenie said:
Oh, I'm a Public Farter from way back. I distinctly remember a physical fitness test we had to take in elementary school - I was probably in 2nd or 3rd grade, and they had some of the 6th graders helping out by holding our feet flat on the ground while we did situps. We were all supposed to do 10, but I farted a little on each one, and the "upperclassman" sent me on my way after 4. Oops! Though I think I'd be more mortified if I did it now. Just another reason not to use my gym membership.
195. Sue said:
No matter what else may happen in life, a fart is ALWAYS funny. You should never be embarrassed. After all, if you didn't fart, you'd explode, and that would not be pretty! My grandfather used to tell me of a Welsh headstone that said "Where'er you be, let the wind blow free, for the lack of wind was the death of me."
196. kerri said:
My little sister once dated a guy for over three years before farting in front of him. To me, that's just plain crazy. Gym or no gym, farting is freedom. ;)
197. AmyEtta said:
You know what the next step is, don't you?? Farting on Chuck! Sounds cruel, I know, but the hilarity of it all... it just boggles the mind.
198. MeeA said:
been reading you a week or two now, and am loving it.
looking forward to lots more.
199. tknocks said:
What a fantastic story. My eye makeup is running down my face. This is exactly why I have yoga fear.
200. Mary Craig said:
Ha. I have no public farting stories. I'm not sayin I've never done it, but I must have repressed the memories, due to the shame and all.
I think my way is better, really.
201. fred said:
my 4 year old son is a public farter.. and proud. He will own up to them and tell complete strangers about the fart, and the meal he had for dinner the night before that produced it.
202. Erica said:
I thought that I would share my public farting story. I just feel that comfortable around here.
When I was in sixth grade, all of the classes were on one hall. In the mornings all of the students sat on the floor outside of their homeroom until the first bell rang and the teacher unlocked her door and let us in.
One morning I was talking and laughing with my friends. It was nearing the time for the morning bell, so most of the students were in the hall by this time. I was sitting cross-legged on the floor, and suddenly felt the urge to sneeze. Well, sneeze I did, along with letting out on of the loudest farts in the history of the world.
No, seriously, the thing echoed up and down the hall of now silent sixth graders. Of course the silence only lasted moments, as everyone then burst out laughing at me just as the morning bell rang.
Not necessarily the best way to start a morning. It has now been approximately 12 years since that morning, and I still remember it very clearly. I am just hoping no one else does. I would hate to be the person that they are telling their children about when their child comes home embarassed.
203. Heather said:
OMG!! I'm laughing so hard I may need to leave my desk and go to the bathroom before I wet myself!! Glad to see Jon could get such a kick out of your public humiliation!! :-)
204. Hets said:
Honestly, I love when your posts make me laugh out loud! This is one of the best yet!
205. shanntastic said:
I know what you mean about being thrilled to see your SO laugh. My husband loves Ron Huebel on Best Week Ever and I have to save it on el Tivo because I just have to see his reaction. Also, taunting is more bearable because of his utter glee about it. Good stuff. I'm an Austinite, and while meeting up with you guys would be fun, I have to be at the workplace. Also, I prefer to stalk you online rather than live and in person. Good luck with the speaking engagement. That's tres exciting!
206. Teeny225 said:
I'm another one who just sprayed her keyboard with coffee...! For the first few months of my relationship with my fiance I waited till he left the room before I let rip. Unfortunately I wasn't fooling him as I also suffer from digestive discomfort (to put it mildly) and the odours had too much staying power for him not to notice when he came back.... He told me years later that he knew what I'd been up to, and did I never wonder why he always opened the window when he came back from the kitchen?!! We now congratulate each other on our efforts.
207. pagalina said:
Oh man! Read this for a SECOND time and it made me laugh outloud again. I think it was the sacred song part. I wonder if people know that i find fart stories funny?
208. Marialoo said:
Just last night I was watching MythBusters and they were experimenting with "flatus" (as they had decided not to be so crude as to use the word "fart" the whole segment). They actually designed a contraption to catch the fart bubbles while sitting in a tub of water, then analyzed the contents to see if it was possible to kill onesself (experimentally) by farting too much in a confined space. You can't. Luckily.
209. KatDjuric said:
Heather!! I love your site!! I was on the floor laughing today. Girl, you are SO crazy!
210. Jennifer Schutz said:
Several years ago, I was in church with my Mom and my two brothers. The three of us hated going to church, but we had made a commitment to go for one whole year before we gave up on God and resigned ourselves to eternal damnation in exchange for sleeping in on Sunday mornings, and Mom was making us honor it. On this particular day, during the period of silence when the last people were going up to receive communion, my mom let out a hugely loud fart, which reverberated throughout the whole church. We tried out best not to fall to the floor laughing and everyone around us was making a Christian effort not to turn and stare. Then we heard a mom in the row behind us say "shush!!" to her daughter. And the daughter, very loudly replied, "But mom, that lady FARTED!" We didn't have to go to church any more after that.
211. A thinker said:
That is HILARIOUS.
212. leigh said:
i'm in the military, and being a female surrounded by a bunch of men, it can get pretty stinky.
one guy lets them rip so badly that we swear he has to go whip himself afterwords!
the nickname 'poo-nami' came into affect
213. suze said:
that was hilarious. however, now my coworkers are all wanting to know what it is that has made me chortle so exuberently thus creating a very distracting, public coughing fit. perhaps i must save your funniest stuff for when i'm no longer sick ;)
214. Gretchie said:
Ya know, you managed to turn your public humilation into a tribute of love to your husband. This archetype of romantic love needs to find it's way into more love scenes in romance novels. "They walked the streets of Paris, hand in hand, neither saying anything as the soft spring air carresed their bare skin. As Pamela approached the Eiffel Tower, she passed the loudest gas of her life - the abrupt air kissing her buns. And as the sound reverberated through the streets of Paris, Rene lovingly took a step back, stumbled to his knees with mouth gaping and tears in his eyes, and proceeded to laugh like a redneck at a rodeo clown. Pamela blushed delicately...."
215. minxlj said:
Why do you always post these kind of stories when I'm at work?!!! Now I'm sitting here looking like a madwoman trying to restrain my laughter, my whole body shaking with it, and tears streaming down my face. As always, your fart stories are the best, although now my boss probably thinks I've completely lost it. Cool!! :-)
I would be completely and utterly MORTIFIED if I ever did that in the gym, in front of my fiance. I just don't have the strength to become a public farter.
216. Sunni said:
HA! This had me laughing so hard. Thanks so much for your honesty. I can't tell you how many times I have to cut my treadmill walk short because I feel the urge to fart. I am always so afraid to keep walking for fear of it slipping out.
You are hilarious and your writing is superb. I always feel like I am right there next to you, experiencing the situation.
Thanks for my daily distraction!
217. mmoxxie said:
I tell everyone that will listen about your site because of hysterical (and aptly written) posts like this one.
218. Amanda said:
Oh, this made me laugh, especially after my visit to the gyno yesterday where I promptly farted as soon as the doctor stuck his face in my hoo-ha. Talk about humiliating! And I really like this doctor. It sucks I may have to find another one since I do not believe I can show my...uh...face in that office again.
219. becky said:
you're. killing. me. thankfully, i'm the only one around right now, so i can laugh out loud (instead of causing an aneurism by holding it in).
is that your new superhero name? the public farter: louder than a locomotive, able to take down entire towns with the smell!