My mom waited until my brother and I were both in school before she began working outside the home. At which time she chose to be a teacher's assistant, so that she would have the same hours as us and would be there when we got home from school. She has that same job now (I'm 31), and I appreciate how much she sacrificed for us. She was always there at our basketball games or to chauffer us somewhere or just to listen when we needed her.

If I could change one thing, it's that I wish she would of put herself first sometimes. She deserved that.
I have a 3 year old and have chosen to work outside of the home and haven't regretted it for a second. I did, however, decide to work 4 days a week, so that I can have extra time with my son. It's been easy for me, as my son loves his caregivers and relishes in the interaction he has with the other kids. I'm very lucky and fortunate to have found such a wonderful place.
So, Millicent, save your judgement.

I don't have a daughter, but I hope my son grows up to be happy with respect for himself and others. I hope he grows up to be something that truly makes him happy and fulfills him.

My mom stayed at home until I was in elementary school. Even then, she had the summers off, and was home before I got home from school. I loved having her around when I was little. When I was in jr. high, though, I felt left out because all my friends came home and did what they wanted, because their moms worked. I think I wanted to have some freedom. You know how it is, the grass is always greener. Looking back, I really appreciate the time she spent with me. I wouldn't change it one bit. Even when I wanted nothing to do with my parents in jr. high and high school, I am glad they didn't let me push them away.

I am in education, and my little girl is two. I enjoy my job, even though I could make more doing something else. I feel like if I have to work,though, I will take the lower pay in exchange for summers and breaks with my daughter.

Every once in a while I feel a little guilty when talking to my friends who stay at home full time. It is hard work for me to balance my job and my family, but it is hard work for them to be the primary caregiver. But I feel like I am doing what is right for our family right now. These types of choices and decisions are hard, and it is always easy to second guess if you are doing the right thing for your family.

My mother stayed home with us. She's probably a bad example because she doesn't have a driver's license, never wanted to hold a full-time job, and yet seemed to resent being with us 24/7. I'm not sure I wish she had had a career as much as I wish she had been happier with herself so that perhaps she wouldn't have devoted so much of her time making my sisters and I so miserable. This is also not because my Dad insisted on it-honestly, I'm not sure why she is the way she is. For the moment, I'm home with my kids because they are little and I don't want to miss a moment. I am, however, pursuing an online Master's degree out of a combined desire for future income (I have four kids, three of whom are girls, they won't be cheap to dress as they get older.) and because I never want to find myself as miserable and dissatisfied with myself as my mother is with herself. As for my girls, I hope they do whatever it is that makes them happy and is best for them and their kids, that is if they choose to have them.

My mom worked after she had me, but quit after my sister was born and stayed home with us while we were growing up. (She started working again once I went to high school). It was AWESOME. My mom volunteered a lot at both my elementary school that of my sister, and was very active in the PTA. It was so nice to have her very involved in my life when I was young. Personally, I love the fact that I never really had to go to day care (my grandmas mostly took care of me until my sister was born). I'm lucky that my family was able to afford to do so. I know how much my mom busted her ass to keep after my sister and me, as well as cook and do laundry and iron and shit. That woman is the best cook on earth, and you ain't never seen your whites so white after she is done with them. Any ability to cook or clean that I have now comes directly from the fact that I was able to spend so much quality time with my mom while I was growing up.

If I ever were to have kids (and by "kids" I mean "accidents"), Chris and I would probably duke it out to figure out which one of us stays home, but assuming that we could swing it financially, at least one of us would definitely be staying home with the little dudes. I'm a big supporter of stay-at-home parenting. And public schools. And this new special edition Thin Mint ice cream that's out in the stores now. Seriously, it's awesome.

My mom was a teacher so she was pretty much home when the kids were home, and could always take a day to come on our field trips and stuff like that. We went with our grandmother after school for a couple of hours everyday, so we never had to be in daycare, which made me happy. I feel as if I got the best of both worlds, and it seems like a lot of teachers' kids feel the same way. Leta appears to be getthing even better of both worlds, having both parents home, in addition to earning money from their passions.

I have a Master's degree and take pride in my education, but I also feel that if I am going to have kids, I will want to be with them all the time (I already feel like this about my dog!). At 26, I am working toward achieving my career goals so that by the time I have children, I will either be in a position to work at home or be in a place financially that I could stay at home without my kids being deprived of things. Of course, I don't think everyone needs to do this, but its nice to be able to decide. I am happy that I have the options to get an education, have a career, and raise children. That is what feminism is supposed to be, right?

I think part of the problem is that working women are made to feel like they are bad parents and women who stay at home are made to feel like they are wasting their brains. If we could just agree that women are important in all their roles, both we and our daughters (and even sons) will be better off.

Heather, Thanks for opening up this discussion because it's an important topic. My mother worked while raising two daughters. She also did all the cooking and all the cleaning. Because she worked so hard I swore that I would not have kids unless I could afford to stay home with them. All that aside I believe in a stay at home parent. Doesn't have to be the mother. I think the message that we are sending to our children by having both parents work is that, having money to buy things is more important than being with our most precious resource and I believe that is a very damaging message.

My mom stayed home until my younger brother was in high school. However she did a lot of volunteer work with our schools and in the community. It was great having her home and I really can't imagine her not meeting us at the door after school. I know it was very hard for her getting back into the work force almost 20 years later though, and she had to sit thru a lot of rude questions and comments about being "only a mom" for so long.

I spent 10 years in the I.S. cubicle farms before having kids and had planned on working part time after they were born. I had never planned on staying home full-time, but after serious complications during the birth of my oldest daughter I needed more time to recover and didn't want to leave her even part-time.

My hope is that my daughters will be able to have the option to make whatever choice works best for them. I don't think there is a right or wrong choice, just one that works best for the family at a specific point in time. I hope their situation will allow them all choices for them to pick the best fit.

My mom stayed home until I was 12, we lived in England until I was 6 and I guess it was more common to stay home there. She has stories of the morning coffee's and community she had. I stay home and I feel like I live in a ghost town.

I had a baby in October and have been trying to do the stay at home mom and working from home part time and it's wearing me thin. I have hesitated to quit because at 31 years old I don't know who I am without my job, but I quit last week. (go me!) I had to admit to myself that I can't be the best mom I can when I'm trying to fit it all in. I realize I am lucky to have a choice, and I have chosen to give my boy all of me. I am a bit afraid of going back in the workforce in 5 or 6 years and basically starting over.

I believe feminism is about having a choice to work or not to work and women need to be more supportive of other women's choices. There's way too much guilt on both sides.

I want my children to have the choice to do what they feel is right.

(Thanks Dooce for helping me through my pregnancy, your the girlfriend I don't have)

Happy Anniversary!

My mom had both an undergraduate and graduate degree in Political Science. She was a stay at home mom. She fought for women's lib and she was fortunate enough to be able to make the decision to stay at home for my younger sister and myself. I was happy that she stayed at home and took a major interest in life.

I am now in graduate school and consider myself a feminist (I went to a seven sister school for undergrad no less, I don't think they let you graduate unless you are a hold some sort of feminist ideology). I think a major part of being a feminist is being able to make a choice, stand by it, and be proud of it -- no matter what others say.

Ms. Hirshman seems to be confused with what feminism is. It is the ability to make choices that make YOU happy, not the government, not a major corporation, and not anyone who likes to wag their finger.

I hope that when I get married and perhaps have a child, I will be able to make a choice that makes me happy and best suits the welfare of my child. And whatever I choose my mother will support it and if I have a daughter, I will support whatever decision she makes.

One of the things I've found to be true is that there's a definite schism in the whole world of feminism on the SAHM deal. Some women believe it is our choice to make. Others think that it is a concept from times past and that no woman would make that choice. I'm in the former category - if I want to stay at home and be with my kids when they are little, I want to be able to do that, I want the ability to make that choice.

With my mom? She was home until I was 8. She stayed at home and didn't go back to the workforce until my younger brother was in school (he was 5). I remember going back tore her apart - especially since my little brother when informed she was going back said "It's just so hard being 5." I felt it was great that she was home when we were little - there was never a problem if one of us got sick. And I also appreciated it when she went back - she made the decision and threw herself headlong into it. I wouldn't change anything about the way she did it.

When I have children, I want them, boy or girl, to be able to make that choice: if they want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom OR Dad, I want them to be able to do it, and if they don't want to do that, I want them to be strong in their choice not to.

My mom worked before I was born, and then promptly became a stay-at-home mom until I started high school, earning a small paycheck from my dad by helping him with the books for his business. Even then, she only worked part-time so that she could pick my younger brother and I up from school. This went on until I had my driver's license my junior/senior year of high school. She continued this through my brother's freshman/sophomore years of high school, and then went to work full time.

I wouldn't change anything about it, and I would love to be able to do the same things she did. Never once did my father tell her she had to work or had to stay home, and like you, it was all her choice.

My best friend, age 25, mother of 2.5 (#3 is on the way in August, hence the .5), works weekends and one overnight shift a week because it's the best schedule she could find so she could stay home with her two daughters.

Happy 5 years, Heather. I'm hopelessly addicted to dooce.com. Here's to another 5.

Comments are enabled! It's like it's 1933 and the end of prohibition has just been announced!

My mom was a teacher until she had my older brother. She stayed home with us for eight years until she went back to teaching. I have idyllic memories of those years. A few years ago when she would normally be able to retire, she had to postpone it due to the fact that in the state of Texas the number of years you teach plus your age have to equal 80. I remember my dad mentioning that she was still sacrificing for that choice she made over thirty years ago, and I a so grateful.

When my daughter was born, it didn't even seem like I made a choice for there was never a question. How could I part with her? How could I let someone else take care of her, spend more time with her than me?

Then my son was born with Spina Bifida and although he is doing wonderfully well, being a stay at home mom is what is best for him. And for me.

Now we have three kids. We started our own business roughly a year ago (we own a motorcycle parts shop). Technically, I guess I'm now a working mom although I don't feel like it. The retail side of our shop is all business, but the office is mainly comprised of Thomas the Tank engine tracks, DVD's that make my day flow smoothly, and toys. My two older kids are in school, but I take Devin with me to work. (I have to go to the school every day at 11:00 to help my son with his catheter). My day is not that different than it used to be: me and Devin are just in a new place, making the same old messes.

When I ask my daughter what she wants to be when she grows up, she says "a mom", and I'm flattered. Perhaps feminists won't be thrilled by her answer, but I know that if she chose to stay home with her kids that she's in for some miraculous stuff. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My mom worked. In fact, she still does. I'm glad she did. Now my son, who is almost exactly 2 months younger than your Leta, can see me working and know that moms can work and still be there and love their children. That is the beauty of choice, to choose what works for you and wave your middle finger (as you've already noted) at those who dare dictate the "rightness" of that choice.

Happy 5 year Blog Birthday!

My mom raised us at home. When we got older, she went back to school and got a second degree, and now that we are both in college, she is a middle school counselor, which means she sort of still gets to do the guidance and the discipline part of parenting.

The thing is, my mom was an 'educated woman' who married the love of her life right out of grad school, became a stay-at-home-mom, a member of the PTA, and a sales associate at a department store when my dad was unemployed for a year. But the /career/ that she has chosen is mostly based on what she learned and how she grew after college and graduate school. And even now that she works full time and refers to her charges as 'her kids,' she would still drop everything for my brother or me. I don't know if she feels this way, but to me, she is still very much a mom, even if she doesn't stay-at-home full-time anymore.

I don't have a daughter yet, and I'm not really ready to conjure one up right now, but I can tell you what I want for my mom. I hope she is happy with her choices and that she knows how proud I am of all that she has accomplished, in our home and in her office.

My mother worked (works) all through my childhood. In early years such as while my sisters and I were in preschool she worked part time and then moved it up to full time once we were all in primary (aka elementary) school.
However she is a teacher. So she was always home at school holiday times.

I believe, as you do, that the fact that we CAN CHOOSE is the most important thing. I'm a wife but not a mother and I work, because I like to buy myself more shoes than Mrs Marcos. When I have children I like to think that I'll be a SAHM for at least their first 2 years of life, moving up to part time work for the next few, and then seeing how I feel.

However my mother is a Die Hard Feminist and I think that if I decided to be a SAHM ... indefinitely, she would see it as being "JUST a S.A.H.M", but if I had something like this website, a blog or that I was writing somewhere, or painting, or some artistic outlet that she would be ok with it.

I want my daughter to choose. Choice choice choice. I love it.

My mother didn't work until my father divorced her when I was 10. She's been working ever since, thirty years later, in order to support a bunch of loser husbands (one at a time, of course) and now, herself. My life was more affected by the divorce than by her working.

I have been a stay-at-home mother, albeit one who earns money while staying home (daycare, transcription, writing) and will probably be one until my youngest (now 3) is . . . I don't know. Grown, maybe.

Oh, and I do hope my daughter grows up to be whatever she wants to be . . . but I will teach her you can't have it all at the same time. Someone has to pay the price and it shoudln't be the kids, in my opinion.

my mom was a stay at home mom who taught aerobics classes in the evenings after school. of course, i'm one of 5 siblings all close together, 28, 27, 26, 24, and 23 for our ages. i keep contemplating being a stay at home mom myself, but so far i can't see how to make ends meet doing it. or maybe it's because i'm afraid to take that plunge and force myself to make it work...i'm glad you are living your dream so early.

My mom was a stay at home mom until I was in second grade when she went back to teaching. She taught in my school until we moved after fourth grade and my brother and I were old enough to be home alone. I enjoyed the time I had with her, although I don't remember that much of it. I am glad she went back to work because she is an amazing teacher and I know she enjoys her job. I do think it would have been nice if she had stayed home a little longer, but that isn't what happened and everything turned out fine, besides we always had summers together.

As for me, I am getting married soon and my fiancé and I have talked about what will happen when we have children. We both think that having a parent stay at home is a great situation when it is feasible. If we do have a parent stay at home, it will probably be him. Not because I am a hard core feminist and don't think women should stay home, but because he would really like to stay home with kids and I think it would be a great way to strengthen the father-child bond. That would be our choice and I think it is ridiculous for anyone to say that they know what choice is right for anyone else.

As for my children, I hope they will be able to have the choice and feel comfortable exercising that choice, whatever it is.

Hi Heather,
I read your blog mainly because you make me laugh! However, I also read your blog because I have LIFE ENVY. In short, I would LOVE to be able to stay home with my children. My college degree is only so much paper; real life is spending time with those you love, and making a difference doing so. And yes; real life for a mother is dealing with poop!! Anyway, I believe many of the women who read your blog also have life envy. The very fact that your blog is so popular, in my opinion, is a vote of support for stay at home moms everywhere. :)

Amen!

My mother was a SAHM of me and my older brother. She did decide to go to work when I was around 14 because she started to get bored because we were a lot more independent. However, she did work in a school so she was home to make sure we got on and off the bus. She was an educated woman and worked in a hospital as a RN until she had my brother.

I am now a SAHM as well, by choice. I have 4 years of education over my husband and had a great Graphic Design position in a well known magazine before I had my son. I plan on staying home as long as I can help benefit my children, which will probably until they run off to college.

The only regret I have about my mom was that she didn't let me have Yodels and chocolate milk for lunch every day. She was always there when I needed help with homework, advice about boys and helped me build good morals. If I do have a daughter, I would hope that she does what SHE feels is best for her and her family. I do hope that she has the opportunity to chose like her mother and her grandmother(s).

I am an only child born in 1967, and my mother has worked my entire life (and hers, she'd say). She was a high school teacher until I was 12, and then held a variety of admin, account rep, and now training coordinator jobs outside of the public education field. She is 61 and still working full time. I had a housekey around my neck at 6 years old and walked at least a mile to school in each direction, though usually with other kids. I grew up well-adjusted, bright, self-motivated and independent. My mother and I are very close now (sorry about those 'teen years, Mom) and have been for years and years. It never occured to me to find my latchkey status odd, or even different. I came home to an empty house every school day from 2nd grade on. I don't ever remember feeling lonesome, scared, or otherwise negatively about it. Maybe my mom being a teacher helped, since she was able to be home long before 5 or 6pm until I was 12. She did spend her weekends grading papers, I remember. I have had a job since I was 15, and while I graduated HS early I never really went to college. I have found financial success and prosperity at work anyway. I wouldn't change a thing about how my mom's employment status shaped my childhood. She might feel differently- I should ask her.

My parents, like you and Jon, made the decision before I was born that my mother would stay at home with me. Since then, she has only ever worked part time, when I was older and at jobs that coincided with my school schedule. When I was younger she worked at my elementary school as a teacher's aid, remaining easily accessible at school. She took odd jobs that allowed her to work from home or at night when I was in bed. She hasn't worked at all over the past six years and even though I'm now away from home at college, I am continually grateful for the time she so lovingly invested--and still invests--in my life.

My parents have never been particularly wealthy. They've frequently confessed that they were blessed at the time of my birth to be in a financial situation where they could get by solely on my father's income. I cannot imagine my life any different and will always be thankful for the sacrifices my mum made for me. But that's such a pivotal point to keep in mind, too -- in here eyes, they were all choices, far removed from anything resembling a sacrifice on her part. I am an independent woman and have high hopes for my own future career, but I will never consider staying at home with my children to be any less admirable than advancing my status within the workforce. You're exactly right: it's a beautiful thing to be in a position where staying at home is even an option, because so many women would if they had the opportunity. I appreciate you sharing your life with so many people; you are an intelligent woman who proves that choosing to be an active life in Leta's life is in no way an unintelligent move.

Hi Heather,

I'll save you the story of my mom, as it looks like you have plenty of reading already!

What I want to teach my daughters: to dream BIG DREAMS and to not settle for anything less.

My dad was a SAHD (shit ass ho ... um... something) and my mom worked full-time. He had a degree in political science and she was a realtor with a Grade 12 education, so I don't know if that scores a point for or against feminism. My dad was the best parent ever - I'd be insane if it had been my mom who stayed home, because I don't think she really liked kids all that much. My dad loves them, though, and wants lots of tiny grandchildren. I don't really like kids all that much either, so I'm choosing not to have them, much to his disappointment - but not for any sort of capital-F feminist ideal: I can just think of nothing more fulfilling than focussing on my career and taking long vacations and having sex in the livingroom any time I want.

In answer to your question, my mother stayed home. She was depressed, she was conflicted, she was neurotic. Her mother had worked -- first running a boarding house, then assembling shoes in a factory. My mother wanted to be home with my brother and me. But she also wanted other things -- a college education, a career in a financial field, and I'm sure other things I'm not even aware of.

I'm currently home with my daughter, who is 18 months old. I want to be there for her, but I realized early on in her life that I cannot provide all the stimulation she needs. It was a very tough decision, but my husband and I agreed that it would be best for her and for me to enroll her in daycare part-time when she was about 7 months old. Three days a week for 6 hours a day she goes to a big corporate daycare facility in our neighborhood. It's been wonderful. Probably the best part of it was that within 2 weeks of starting, she finally began sleeping more than 90 minutes at a time at night. Which meant I was finally getting some sleep. I also finally had someone to ask questions -- the caregivers in her infant room were wonderful, helpful women who not only tolerated but seemed to enjoy me coming in begging for advice, suggestions, confirmations.

How do I feel about what my mother did? Well, for many years I greatly appreciated her being around, but by late high school I felt a lot of pressure was on me and my brother to validate her existence. She'd had nothing but us to put her energy into for nearly two decades. She was an intelligent woman who cared about a lot of things, but somehow the majority of her energy seemed to go into us or the house(s) we lived in. I came to really want for her to be a more whole person, though I doubt I could have come up with a precise definition of what that might involve. (Still can't, really. I think that's for her to decide.)

What do I want for my daughter? I want her to have a mother who is there for her, but doesn't make her the center of the universe. I want her to have an education that suits her abilities, and I want her to have choices that I and my peers don't really have. I know so many women who want to be there for their kids and to have a career, or at very least a job that meets some socio-intellectual needs. We all lament the fact that there are so few decent "part-time" jobs out there, while there is a whole workforce of women who are having to choose between being home full-time or working the 8-to-5 (or 7:30-to-6) grind. I'm surprised at how the media can come up with women who have chosen one or the other and claim that they are perfectly satisfied with their choice. Most of the mothers I know are striving mightily for an attainable and maintainable middle-ground. And, frankly, a lot of the dads I know wouldn't mind finding a similar deal. I want for my daughter to have these kinds of options when she's an adult. Becoming a mom has been the most shockingly wonderful experience I've ever had, and I nearly missed it -- I waited until my late 30's to give it a try because I wasn't sure I wanted a child. I want for my daughter to feel like her culture will support and respect her parenthood whenever and however she may choose to start it.

I've been so perturbed by things I've read in the media about parenthood lately, Hirshman's piece included, that I'm actually considering becoming a blogger just so I can rant about it on a regular basis. But I don't imagine that my ranting will change anything, and it will keep me from the real work I'm trying to do -- writing novels. So, for now, I choose to content myself with writing lengthy comments on others' blogs.

Heather, I consider you and Jon pioneers of sorts. The fact that you are both home with Leta, setting an example for her and for others of how to create a work-home balance that is satisfying, gives me great hope for the future of the family in this country. And I know you're not the only ones. Thank you!!

dude. someone puked comments all over in here.

if you are mormon and female and of child bearing age, don't you get hit by lightning for not having 4 kids and staying home to take care of them?

my mom stayed home but 'worked' constantly on her own projects thereby rendering her useless as a nurturer.

i work at home so i'm available to my kids when they want/need me. i had to work really hard to figure out how to do that. and it could end at any minute and i'll find myself back skimming through monster looking for some other mindless 9-5 that i hate.

my daughter is going to be a lawyer. she says she wants to be a singer /slash/ dancer /slash/ actor but if you ever heard her argue her case for a pierced navel and short skirts, you'd know the truth.

My mom worked while my brothers and I were growing up, but it was because she had to. She would have rather stayed at home, and we would have rather had her at home. I had to start taking care of my brothers when I was 12 because my parents couldn't afford a babysitter. They did the best they could and I love them for it, but we had very little adult supervision and I think we all felt a real lack of stability. I can still remember my mom's days off so well. There was such a warm, secure feeling in coming home to her. I remember climbing the stairs to the front door, kicking the snow off my boots and opening the door to the smell of beef stew and cornbread. I think that's what being a child was supposed to feel like all of the time. Now I also work because I have to, but when my two oldest children were very young I started college and managed to work my way through. I chose to teach so that we could have the same schedules and be together as much as possible. Because I teach at a very small high school that means that not only have they had to ride to and from school with me (even after they were 16), but they have even had to suffer through my foreign language classes. My baby will be at the high school in two more years and I'm really looking forward to it (wicked grin). You might think that they would have resented being with me so much, but they haven't. The oldest two tell me now that they actually liked it. But to the question- if I had a choice, I would not work. I would be going to class parties instead of giving them, I would be supervising homework instead of grading papers, and I would spend the weekends having fun with my youngest son instead of trying to get the laundry done.

My mother stayed home with us until we started school and then she went to work for the school system for a little while. I loved having her home with us and also loved being at home during the summers.

I wish she had had a degree or a professional path for herself. About the time my sister and I started high school I could sense that she really needed something more.

I hope my daughter grows up and finds a path in life that feels natural, that is self-sustaining and that makes her happy. I hope she does not second-guess herself and I hope she surrounds herself with people who propel her and do not hold her back.

Most of all I hope she never feels she has to do the bidding of the Linda Hirshmans of the world.

I couldn't agree with you more. Feminism should be about creating more options, not limiting options. I never understood this reasoning. And it's not as if women need more reasons to question themselves. That's how I already spend the majority of my days, especially since I became a mom.

Hi Heather,

My mom chose to stay at home with my sister and me. I had an ulcer in third grade and so she took me out of public school and homeschooled us (no - we are not religious nuts. My mom was a hippie). I'm glad that she had the chance to follow the path that she thought was best for her and for us. Staying at home was not a "cop out" for her - she sacrificed a great deal as all SAHM's know.

My mom is my best friend and I have so many great stories of the time we spent together. I know Leta will have the same stories too.

Now that I'm of "childbearing age," I also feel the pressures that women get from both sides. I believe that each woman must make the best decision for her. At the heart of feminism is the choice. The choice to do what is best.

I hope that if I have a daughter, she feels supported enough by me (if not her society) to do what she feels is best for her.

Happy Blogiversary. I'm so glad that you are able to do what you love.

My mother mixed it up as I was growing up. She was around when I was little, and then moved into part-time work. By the time I was at High School she was working full-time, which is the way it should be when you want to come home from school and yabber to your boyfriend on the phone for three hours.

Now I'm at home with my children. It is a choice I have made. It costs us a bit financially, but it doesn't cost me at all emotionally. I love it.

We have a Prime Minister in New Zealand who is a woman. She recently said that all women should be encouraged back into the workforce to make our country economically stronger. This has left a bad taste in many people's mouths, as I'm inclined to think the work we are doing is pretty valuable economically as well as socially.

My mother either stayed home with us, or she worked from our house (as a daycare provider). We really appreciated having our mother there for us when we got home, although I think my younger brother and sisters didn't care much for the children she watched being around. She didn't become a daycare provider until I was in high school, though. I'm the oldest of five, so obviously my mother was nuts for wanting to be surrounded by even more children ;) My father worked full-time, and sometimes worked part-time in addition.

My mother was a stay at home mom until my parents divorced when I was 12. At that point, my mom had no other choice, and took a factory job. She often came home exhausted with little energy for myself or my siblings. While we would have prefered my mom to stay at home rather than work outside the home, my siblings and I learned the value of a hard day's work.

I am disheartened to read comments such as those made by Linda Hirshman; feminism provides women with choices. Education also provides us with choices. I believe that each woman should make the choice which is right for her and her family. When I am fortunate enough to have children I'll make the right decision. For my daughter, I wish her success and happiness in the choices that she makes.

My mother went back to work part time as a nurse shortly after my brother and I were born. I think it was partly for the money and partly because she loved her job, but she tells me it was first and foremost because she wanted my dad to have alone-time with us kids. He's a pretty hands-off guy by nature and didn't really get the whole "baby" thing at first, so my mom knew that the only way he'd change diapers and give us baths and take us on walks and talk to us in baby voices was if he had no other choice. And what do you know, it worked and we turned him into a bit of a softie. The point is, she says she would have loved to stay home with us and never go back to work, but she knew it was better for us kids, better for my dad, and better for the family as a whole if she gave us the opportunity to form a different kind of relationship with each other.

All through my childhood my mom worked part time--nights before we started going to school, and then days after that--so she could be home when we were home and also have the flexibility to come to our school programs and be homeroom mother and the Brownie leader (because she didn't want the Mormon ladies in charge). SUPERWOMAN!

I hope my potential daughter(s) have the freedom to do as they please.

My mother stayed at home and brought my sister and I EVERYWHERE she went. She stopped working after her 4th or 5th month of pregnancy with me (her firstborn). We had the most amazing upbringing.

My mom was a great at-home mom who believed in excursions, museums, outings and that children were allowed to go along for all of it. I was brought up to eat properly, sit properly, have great conversations with adults, as well as listen to them all the while galavanting in such places as the french countryside as she took painting classes in neighbouring barns (this one being a particularly fun memory, I must have been 8 or 9).

My mother also lost her noodle (to be polite) when I was around 12 and my sister 10. She split, leaving us with our father for the rest of our upbringing as she led the bohemian artist's life (until the money ran out and then went back to being a secretary, the job she left when she got pregnant with me).

I could not have had a better upbringing until the age of 12. Then a strange reality set in, the one of a completely different upbringing now being handled by a father that had been more or less present (due to heavy work and business travel) who was faced with two young girls bordering on adolesence. The expected behaviour from us was not quite the same...feeling more like a boarding school type of rigidity (although we were living at home with him). Now don't get me wrong, my father's "turn" at raising us was incredible too. But you know what...it resembled the current single-parent set-up: working parent (father in this case) so housekeeper for the kids and then by ourselves when we got old enough. Much independence....

Unfortunately, as an adult woman now, I can't help but wonder if it had been enough for my mother to just stay at home, she always seemed to need to prove something (most likely probably to my father if I psychoanalyze it). And after 12 years, it wasn't enough...the grass was WAY greener on the otherside of the fence. As she gets older today, I think she regrets leaving (on a very emotional level, not a realistic one).

Ughh...Heather, this is quite the can of worms you opened up here for me. I will cut short my "autobiography" with a few words about me otherwise my comment will be as long as the 321 previous comments!

I am a stay-at-home mom with an at home job (unlike my mother)and your post mirrors exactly what I think. I have an immense privilege to chose to stay at home and the exercize of that choice is as feminist as it gets in my opinion. And like my mother, I want my children to experience everything about life and its variety with me around to guide them or at least tell them how to hold a fork in good company and not burp at the table!

Oh my goodness, I'm thrilled that there are comments on this one! Let me pretend the Oscars came early and say that I read your blog every day and love it immensely.

OK, so to your questions:

My mother stayed at home with me for as long as she could, which was for about eight years or so. After that, my father's business went bankrupt and she went back to work, although my dad worked from home then. By the time I was in junior high, I was a latch-key kid, until I was 15, when we moved back to my mother's home country, Peru, where she became a stay-at-home mom again until I graduated.

I do know that it killed her to go back to work, however, because she had to do that with her first two children. (Here's where the story gets interesting.) My mother has two other sons from an earlier marriage in Peru, and her alcoholic first husband left her with two young children shortly after #2 was born. My mother then had to go to work and, because she was getting no help from her family, she had to hire a nanny to help her raise the kids. Think about this for a moment: single mother, no family help, in Peru, in the 1950s. My mother thinks nothing of this now, but I ponder this situation all the time and think, my God, what a strong woman she is.

This does mean that my parents are "older" and therefore smothered me (the only child either of them got to really raise) with massive amounts of attention. I understood when Mom went back to work and, although I kind of wish she had been home at the time, I was a responsible enough kid that I was OK with that. Plus, this meant that occasionally I could go in with her to the office in New York City (we lived on Long Island) and I could type on an early word processor, or buy books with the covers ripped off for a quarter from the guy a block away. My world was bigger because my mom worked. (She was, by the way, an executive secretary.)

Let me throw my own situation into light, if I may: I am the father of an almost-one-year-old son and I'm a professor which means (if I get tenure, please please please) I have a relatively flexible schedule. It does mean that I get to stay home with him two full days during the week. My wife, while not a professor, also has flexed her schedule so that she gets a full day with him as well. That means he only has to go into daycare for two days a week -- which in Washington, DC (where we live) is a minor miracle. As he gets older and goes to school, hopefully we'll be able to work out our teaching schedules so that she or I can be home when he gets home. Again, I realize we are a bit lucky to be able to attempt this kind of life.

As for what I would want my daughter to be? This is hypothetical since I have a son (heh) but if my daughter chose to be a SAHM, that would be perfectly OK with me -- just like if she would choose to be a mechanic or an enginner or, God forbid, a Republican. I just hope she would be happy. And, if I can switch the genders back to what I do have, I hope that he will be happy with what he does, should that also mean he would be a SAHD. I would hope that, with either child, they will be educated -- I do have a vision of them having a nice, well-rounded college education (particularly since, if nothng else, that's the one free perk I could get at my own institution) but beyond that, it would be their choice.

By the way, this Linda Hirshman character sounds like a fucking idiot. Add my middle finger to the chorus.

I think feminism is more about having choices than anything else. Women have always had to fight for those choices, and always will, since men have the absurd idea they know what's best for us. Knowing I would have to impart my flawed wisdom on this and other subjects is probably one of the things that is keeping me from wanting to bring a child into this insane world. Oh, how far we've (not) come.

ok. my mom "worked at home." we grew up on a farm, and my mom was a farm wife. while she never drove a tractor, or baled hay (she was 5', and maybe weighed 110 lbs dripping wet), she did help sort hogs and cattle, and walked beans (cutting weeds out with a machete), and would run to town for parts, and keep my dad in meals during harvest and planting. she was the gopher. not a terribly glorious job, but one she chose when she married my father. and no, she wasn't ALWAYS there, when i'd get home from school, but most of the time she was. and she baked cookies. and put up with our teenage bullshit when it happened. and she did it with style & panache, despite having to deal with the world with one arm tied behind her back. you see, my mother is deaf. but she came from tough stock, and refused to give in, no matter what. even when she lost a child (my little sister), she never gave up. even now, living on her own, after my dad passed away (he was her connection with the hearing world, he was hard of hearing), she deals with everyday life. she's taught herself to read lips, when she never had to when my father was alive. she's taught herself to crochet, to appeal to the creative side she's always had, but didnt' have the time for on the farm. kinda like my grandma. and my great grandma. and all the great women who came before her who were "stay at home moms." who worked hard, nonetheless. and did it with style & panache. i hope that i am doing the same, and passing that same spirit on to my daughters, who at 20 & 21, are well on their way to deciding their futures, as well. if they want to be SAHMs, more power to them. be the best moms they can be. i don't care. i'm not wasting my education, doing what i do, because i enjoy it. and i not only wave my middle finger at those "ladies" who don't think SAHMs are helping the "feminist" cause, i thumb my nose at them, and gesticulate in ways taht only a few know, to tell htem that they are full of shit.

I disagree with Hirschman's argument. It is not the educated woman's job to change, by maintaining a career while raising children, the way society, in general, treats women. I am a feminist (a person who thinks that women should not be treated as second-class citizens) and in choosing to run a household and raise my children as my only source of work I am not sticking my middle finger up at the feminists who fought to get me the choices that I have (I bow down to them, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Margaret Sanger, Betty Friedan, Anita Hill, Gloria Steinem, to name a few, every day). The problems that exist for women who go off to work and women who stay at home to work exist because our society makes it difficult for all types of women, especially poor, working mothers. Women DO NOT get the financial, legal, and emotional support that they need (look at Canada, Sweden for a couple of better (not perfect) models that include subsidized daycare, health insurance, maternity leave, paternity leave, options, options, options, etc..) In the 'developed' country of the United States, women from all walks of life are damned if they do and damned if they don't--the single mother, working a minium wage job without health insurance as well as the wealthy, educated stay-at-home mother. It seems that whatever a woman's choice, even if it's not a choice (poverty), it's the wrong one. I'm tired of hearing that I should go to work so that I can honor the work of feminists before me. I'm also tired of hearing that I should stay at home with my children so that they don't end up in jail or become drug addicts (a colleague of mine seriously made this argument to me one day in the teacher work room).

I worked for the first two years of my daughter's life as a high school English teacher. When my son was born I found it too difficult to juggle grading papers, preparing lessons, going to meetings, staying after school to help students, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc. I was terrible at dividing my time and made the CHOICE to stay at home, which after two years I still consider a luxury, though my husband is a carpenter and our budget is extremely tight, because so many women do not have this option.

In short, the problem is not whether or not women work--in the office, at home with their children-- it's whether or not women are supported in their decisions. How can we best support women so that they can best support themselves and their children? Living wages for men and women? Anti-poverty legislation? Health insurance for all? It's up to us to start giving one another support, to fight for the respect that we deserve, to fight for the legislation that we deserve. And the our-president-is-a-bozo argument only goes so far. If the suffragists had argued the same, they would have given up what turned out to be a nearly 75 year struggle for the vote. The fight that our foremothers made is not over--it has simply shifted. There's a lot of work that needs to be done that goes beyond the scope of where and how a woman should spend her day--and open discussions such as this one here are a beginning in terms of accomplishing any real change in terms of how women are viewed and treated by society.

When my parents got married they didn't have a large sum of money or any really high education behind them, and thus both of my parents worked. When I was born my mother was a working mother, same as when my brother was born 3 1/2 years later. There were times, though, when I was young that my father worked night shifts and then I was at home with him. Most of the time I was with my grandmother. However, my mother had periods of time when she wasn't always working - so I do have some memories of her being home, but not until I was 7 or so... sometime after my brother had been born. As time went on my father became more fortunate in his career and our family found a bit more wealth. While my mother kept a job for a few years, she gave birth to my second brother when I was 13 and has stayed at home since (this was 7 years ago now).

I tell this story because for my siblings and I we have had different experiences - the SAHM and the Non-SAHM. And because I was always with family (grandparents mainly - especially since I grew up also living with my mom's parents in our house), and never at a baby-sitters or daycare centre, I never felt like I missed out on anything. My parents were always there for me, I can remember even times when they were home from work (my dad taking an afternoon off so he could come skating with my class, etc). They were always there for us, and that's what is the most important thing.

However I was glad that from age 13 onwards she was always home. If I felt sick at school, there was mom who could pick me up in a flash. If I had to get to my part-time job across town, there was mom who drove me. I appreciated her being at home in case I needed her. And for my youngest brother, he has gotten to enjoy her volunteering in his classroom or going on field trips. Which is something she didn't always do with me.

I guess this round-about way of saying things is that I do support mom's being at home for their kids. And I don't think that feminism should tell us not to. We can do what we want. What I'm most against is those parents who have jobs, get home late, leave their kids alone all the time after school, and barely have time to do "family" things together. I think it's very important for children, especially to keep them out of trouble, that they have at least some family around most of the time.

And like you said, it's our CHOICE. I'm currently a university student, aspiring to get my Bachelor of Education and become a teacher. However, and my boyfriend/future-husband-candidate is aware and in support of this, when I have children I do plan on staying home with them until at least they are school-age, if not longer. I'll return to teaching after they've grown up a bit. I don't want to miss out on anything in their lives, and I want to be there to make their childhood special and share that time with them. They'll only be so small for such a short period of time, why would I want to be away from that?

For my future daughter, I would want her to make the choice for herself. I hope that I will teach my children the importance of family, but then it will be up to her position in life to make that decision on her own. It's completely up to her. I just have always wanted to be the one to raise my own children, and so I'm hoping to jump on the SAHM band-wagon one day. :)

This was loooong-winded. lol. Love your website! Was happy to see comments allowed today. haha. :D Congrats on the five years!

wow you already have 300 comments or more.. so no idea if you will read this lol...

I am a working girl, i looooved work ever sense I was 15 and working meant I could b uy the clothing I wanted, rent the movies I wanted and go any place I wanted. I liked working and I always worked as soon as I was old enough too.

My mother as I grew up worked, she is a teacher. She always used to say to me when I would be a slacker, "Fine you wanna be 21 and working at McDonalds, go ahead, but you won't be living here". Now that may paint a bad picture of my mother, I adore my parents. They are still happily married and my sister and I are emotionally balanced individuals (for the most part heh!).

So the point of repeating that was to say I was taught at a very young age you make yourself and your in charge of getting what you want or getting things at all. I never did work in any place that involved serving food!

My parents put me through art school and I got an AA. I went straight to work and then pursued my BA while working full time and accomplished that as well. I was very involved in my industry, I worked many jobs while in college and got many good job offers out of college. I have never not gotten a job I have pursued.

Around the age of 25 something happened, something changed. I like being home with my husband and my 2 dogs. I want to have kids. I am 27 now. I would love to be a stay at home mom. What makes me hesitate is the money. Being a DINK (Double Income, No Kids) we can do pretty much anything we want. We could move into a bigger house, we could get a new car, we could go on a vacation to europe, etc etc. If I quit... all of that will be gone. It's so scary because my whole life all I have known to do is support myself and work. Its scary to let it go. It's scary to give myself completely to my husband and rely on him.

It have seen my cousin, married for 14 years and a housewife.. I have seen her husband leave her for a younger women and she left abandoned with no work experience and no way to make money to cloth and feed her children. That is scary. I don't believe my husband would ever do that to me, but do you think she did? My husbands mother only has a high school education, she's a smart women but without that she has had touble all her life getting jobs as she was single and had to take care of herself and her son.

I guess my point is, giving up my "freedom" as I am used to it or perceive it is scary. Taking away nearly half our income, is scary. We plan on getting prego next year.. and I wonder to myself.. should I keep working? If I quit, will I be giving up my career, a part of myself? I do like working, I like my career. How much do I like it in comparison to being a mom? I guess i won't know till I am.

To answer another part of your question. My mother has always worked. She lost her parents when she was very young, too young. She knows very well how to "survive" and take care of herself and her family. She would encourage me I think to stay home if I could, but at the same time, she would remind me that I always need to have a back up. It's scarey and who wants to question their own marriage by thinking that? Having to feel like that is like.. being a traitor to your marriage, doubting it. I don't want to do that either.

I know my husband would love for me to be a stay at home mom and if I told him I wanted to, we would work it out. I know he would support that. It's just a scarey thing to do, and not the norm. I am also used to nice things, and having money for my hobbies. It would be abig change.

My mother, being the good Mormon she is, stayed home with her 5 children and was a good Mormon housewife for several years.

When I was in 7th grade, my mom went back to work as a speech pathologist. I was initally very upset because, being the good little Mormon girl I was, I feared for eternal soul, and mine too...I thought that you couldn't get to the celestial kingdom if your mom worked outside the home!

Now I'm grateful that my mom took the time to work part-time, to hang on to her skills and use her degree...it supplemented the income my father brought in and it keeps my mom sharp, gives her a sense of purpose. I'm glad that she was always there for us before and after school, and I'm glad that she was able to do some things for herself, professional growth and development...it's really strengthened my image of her.

If I could change anything about what my mom did...well, I'd make my whole family non-Mormon, since I'm not.

When and if I have a daughter or two, I want them to grow up to do great things...whether that involves having their own family and passing on feminist ideals to their progeny or finding the cure for cancer, I'll be behind them all the way!

To be honest, I'm very happy when feminist women have children...it means that the liturgy is getting passed on, so to speak... and thank GOD for that!

My mom was a SAH mom, sometimes it bugged me that she was so THERE all the fucking time, but in the end I see that I am making the same choices she did and I am glad for it. She taught my sisters and me that staying home didn't mean ass-sitting in front of the TV but volunteering; at school, church, or where ever there was a need. My girls see me going to meetings, they know my work is important even if it doesn't pay. And hopefully they will grow up with a passion to fight for what they believe in, whether that is in corporate America or volunteering for Planned Parenthood. Right now they want to be 1. a writer and 2. a marine biologist & cowgirl....and I'm just thrilled to be at home with them and helping them plan for that future. As long as they aren't Republicans I figure I've done my job ;-)

Great topic, Heather. And happy anniversary. I'll have to go get another beer and raise a toast to you.

My mother stayed at home with me and my brother. She worked in a hospital lab before either of us was born, and I think she would have liked to work after we were born, but she was diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic and went on disability instead. My father brought home plenty of bacon, so it all worked out fine financially.

As a little kid, it was really, really great to have my mother at home. I loved that she took me everywhere and talked to me and played with me. She was always smiling. I look back at it as a very happy time.

However, when my brother and I were of school age, things became more complicated. My mother got “sick” a lot, and sometimes she ran away for days or weeks at a time (sometimes taking my brother and me with her), and was hospitalized at least once a year. From the time I was in first grade through my high school graduation, you could enter my house on any given day and find my mother on the sofa “napping” (although she was never actually asleep). She tried to go back to work a few times, but she couldn’t handle having to conform to a schedule and was reluctant to give up the disability. It embarrassed her enormously.

I think that if I could have changed anything for my mother, I’d take away her shame. She was always (and still is) all too aware of the stigma of mental illness, and consequently she was (is) incredibly uncomfortable with herself.

As a child, it never occurred to me that moms did anything other than stay at home with their kids. I had one friend whose mother worked part-time at the Chanel make-up counter at Macy’s, but other than that, no one’s mom worked. As an adult, I’m grateful for the good times I had with my mother as a child. My mother did the best she could and it was more than good enough for a host of reasons, mental illness notwithstanding.

When I have a daughter of my home, I hope that she will do whatever makes her happy. I don’t want her to be bogged down by all of the political implications of her choice—I want to raise her to be confident about the decisions she makes and her ability to see them through.

As the cliche goes, I'm a long time fan, but first time commenter.

My mom worked. Both of my parents worked. In fact, my parents went to law school together when I was four. Good times. I know my mother wished she had the opportunity to stay home with my younger brother. On the other hand, my parents opened their own two person law firm shortly after my brother was born and it was super cool to have a family business where both parents were breadwinners.

I am genuinely happy that my mom worked. We have a great relationship. What I appreciated the most from having two working parents was that I actually learned how to be alone and self sufficient. I always looked at my peers with the fawning SAHMs as babied and weak. Wow, that sounded really Ayn Rand. I also felt sad for the SAHMs moms because it seemed like all they did was fawn over their kids. Stay at home dads didn't exist in Mississippi at that time.

Overall, it has positively influenced my relationship with women that my most important female role model kicked-ass in the courtroom. It's made me very comfortable with dating smart and succesful women. More importantly, it's helped me to be comfortable dating women who are SMARTER and MORE SUCCESSFUL than I am(unlike a lot of my male friends).

With regards to the issue of feminism and choice and staying home, I'm not as opposed to Linda Hirshman as the bulk of the other posters. First of all, a mother's decision to stay at home is one of those individual and personal decisions that has ramifications that are real and which spread beyond the mother's immediate family when aggregated out among large numbers of women. For example, I'm an associate at a large corporate law firm. I regularly see women choosing to drop out of the professional world to be SAHMs. The absence of these great women genuinely changes the decision making process at our firm. Educated women provide an important and diverse perspective that can't occur when everyone at the top begins to look the same (i.e. male).

Second, I would be much less worried and more supportive of the decision to stay home if it were a choice that more men were taking. Statistically speaking, one sign that a choice is not in fact voluntary is when two groups who have equal opportunity to make a choice do not make the choice at an equal rate. I know an array of couples where both partners are equally educated and each could be the sole breadwinner for the family. Yet, in my experience (limited addmittedly) it is always the woman who chooses to stay home with the kids. I know only one male who has chosen to take the daddy track and even then he just stays home part time (and even that is a reduction of work rather being a true stay at home parent).

I want to know why a DISPROPORTIONATE number of the smart women are choosing to stay home. Is there a biological imperative driving men to keep working while the women stay home? Maybe, but I doubt it. Besides if it's merely biology that's driving women to stay home while men opt for work, that's not really "choice" but hormones/evolution.

Maybe women are opting for home in higher numbers because society is still insisting (albeit less forcefully than in the past)that staying at home is what mothers are supposed to do. Similarly, maybe men are refusing to stay at home (and forcing moms to be SAH) in response to social pressure saying that the man's role is to be the bread winner. Again, it's not really free choice if the decision is motivated in reaction to subconsious (or consious) social bias favoring traditional gender roles.

My real fear is that a disproportionate number of women choose to stay home as a rational response to the continued wage bias and glass ceiling that still permeates the modern american economy. In other words, it makes sense for the mother to stay home rather than the father if, all other things being equal, the father will have more chances for economic success later.

Maybe it is purely chance that women are choosing to stay home in disproportionate numbers.

Whatever the reason for the gap, we need to know why it exists. Although it is an individuals choice to stay at home, that choice reverberates through our society in ways that are both positive and negative and which need to be fully considered and understood for several reasons. I fear that even if smart women are leaving the workforce for truly voluntary reasons today, their abscence will make corporate and professional America a less intelligent actor than it would be if these women were there. Also, I fear that even if smart women are leaving the workforce today for truly voluntary reasons, their departures will cause outmoded gendered beliefs and the glass ceiling to resolidify as people come to re-believe that a woman's appropriate place is the home. In other words, I wonder if today's voluntary choice are depriving women of the ability to make a voluntary choice tomorrow.

Maybe if we lived in a world where both mothers and fathers felt equally comfortable and had equal opportunities to stay at home with the kids, the above worries would be less critical. I don't think we're in that world, at least not yet. A lot of American economic life is broken. We're expected to work ridiculous hours and sacrifice family and life balance for Dilbert-esque "office space" TPS dystopias. If women are choosing to break away from the workforce for negative reasons or because it's what's expected of women, that will prevent all us of office drones from doing what's necessary to change the way all of us work. We need everybody on board (SAHMs, SAHDs, Worker Moms, Worker Dads, Singletons) to create the world where both moms and dads are truly free to choose their child rearing and professional paths.

(sorry to get so long winded up in the doocery)

Jeezus. I THOUGHT I was commenter #363. You people type fast.

My Mormon mom left college to marry essentially a brute. She chose to stay at home because she loved us kids and wanted what was best for us. However, she only gave us one side of the coin and didn't leave the best educational trail to follow.

She instilled a "whatever" attitude about school and I didn't have anyone to look up to, educationally. I married at 24 and dropped out of school myself to support my husband's school dreams. Had babies, worked full time, begged to go to school, and wished I was home with my children.

But feminism means you can change your life without a man's consent. Without another woman's. With only yourself as your gatekeeper and conscience. My mom divorced the brute and after 10 frustrating years, I divorced mine as well. I'm heading back to school and asking my mom to join the ride. I still can't be home with my kids, and I wish things were different.

My daughter is going to get a better role model, and be given every option. She can stay home or wander the earth. I'm glad she's here.

my mom was a 'stay at home' mom. she was a full time hairstylist at a very well known salon in the city i was born in, but once her twins came (my sister and i), she decided to stay at home and just do the hair of her best clients in our basement.
my sister and i are now all grown up, and now my mom is working at a doctors office because she loves new experiences, but she loves being a mom first and waited for us to leave.

At nearly 45 yrs old, I'm at the tail-end of the Boomer generation. My mother stayed home when she had me (and then my sister); she had been a pediatric head nurse before having children. I remember coming home from school and her being there, and sometimes finding something special waiting for me that she bought that day while I was in school. It was nice, now that I think back on it. At age 10, that all changed when my father decided to divorce all of us. My mother fortunately had her nurse training and was able to get work, and she became a single working mother. That wasn't easy but that was our life and I never questioned that she couldn't be home every day when I got home from school. She never remarried, either, so she raised my sister and I completely on her own (dead-beat dad, no child support or alimony to speak of). Fortunately she had supportive parents and we lived in a safe neighborhood where the other at-home moms kind of watched out for us. Compared to what a lot of single-mom families often to deal with, I think we had it pretty good.

I am not married nor do I have children, and at my age I am not planning on having any (I have nieces and nephews to spoil rotten any time I please). If I did have a daughter, I would want her to feel she has choices in life, about EVERYTHING. I am a firm pro-choice advocate... not only concerning the choice of whether or not to have children but I'm pro-choice for all women when it concerns each of us having the right to choose what kind of LIFE we want to have. Whether you have kids or don't have kids, whether you work or don't work, to me what "feminism" was supposed to achieve was to give all of us the right to be AT CHOICE in our lives.

If I had a daughter, I would raise her to understand just how powerful she is because she has choices in life... something our mothers and grandmothers and the generations before didn't have. What is so sad is how we, as women, continue to bash each other because we are judging some other woman's choice as "inferior" or
"wrong". Why aren't we supporting each other's right to choose the life we feel is best for ourselves, instead of criticizing the choice just because it's different from what WE would have chosen?

Heather, I don't think I have the right to pass judgment on your choice to stay home with Leta, any more than I would try to tell you how to wear your hair or what brand of tampons to buy. I mean, some things are just too personal, and no one else has the right to judge. If a woman is happy with her choice, I can get behind it even if I don't "get" it or wouldn't do it myself. And if she's NOT happy with her choice, all I would say is "Then choose something different". What I hear you saying, Heather, is that you're happy with your choice. What more can anyone ask?

i don't think that i have ever loved you as much as i love you for this post. thank you.

my mom stayed home with us until we were in grade school full-time. then she worked a job as a janitor (wow... makes my heart ache just to type it) at a church so that she could be home before and after school. i think that it made all of us (her included) better people because of it. my dad worked at kodak doing shift work, so that meant that every now and then, he would come to our school functions: helping us dissect a cows eye, making pumpkin pie for thanksgiving feasts, etc. family always came first. even if it meant that we would scrape together our quarters and go to king soopers for triple coupon days:) and my brother and i never saw it as us being poor - we thought that it was a great adventure. what amazing parents for making us see it that way!

right now, i am a stay at home mom to a little boy. it's a hard job. there are days when i think to myself "self - it would be a lot easier to just go to work." until i think about how incredibly painful it would be to leave him at day care. i have to clean up a million spit-ups and poopy diapers. but i get to hear his first squeals, see him turn over, blah blah mushy blah. my heart is with that boy. this is where i want to be.

i don't know if i will ever have a little girl, but i hope that no matter what - she's true to herself. that she does what she knows, in her heart of hearts is best. and i hope the same for my son's wife - that if she is a successful doctor or even an administrative assistant that loves her job more than anything ... and if my son wants to stay home with their babies... that they do that. i would never tell my son that it wasn't manly or the right thing to do. family should always come first.

i tip my hat to you and jon for making that happen in your situation. bless you, all three.

I'm nearly giddy with the thought of leaving a comment on this site, but here goes...

This is a very poignant subject for me, as I have the clearest memory of sitting in a rocking chair some 15 years ago, rocking my first-born, and crying because I was being faced with the need to go back to work for financial reasons. I can keenly remember rocking sadly, wishing I had been born when my mother was, so that the decision wouldn't be mine to make. Eat that, Linda Hirschman.

The reality is that my mother was orphaned at 3, raised as a foster child until she was 18, at which point she married my father and gave birth to seven children. I was the last. She stayed at home with all of us.

She could read and write in print, but couldn't write cursive (which oddly enough means she would fit perfectly into today's society, as neither of my kids can write in cursive either. Thank you, keyboard). That's the only thing I would have changed about her. Her lack of education was always slightly embarrassing, but now, in my own advancing years, I realize she had wisdom I can only begin to glean.

God, how I miss her.

I find this issue frustrating. Every person should evaluate their career and family priorities carefully, yet the raging "Perfect Madness" debates settles the responsibility for deciding the enormous issue of who should opt out of a paycheck in order to provide the necessary round the clock care and love (and joy) of raising children solely on women. When new parents are asked "What are you going to do?" the question really means, "What is the mother going to do? Eschew her career and be a SAHM or attempt the horribly-maligned role of 'working mom' (as though mothers at home didn't work) that is almost universally painted as frazzled and neglectful?"

Not only does it perpetuate the damaging confinement of work/family and childcare issues to the female realm, but it obfuscates a whole other debate about how people view work. To be honest, how many people, men or women, parents or childless, really love their jobs? How many people would say, "Man, my work is so fulfilling, I just couldn't be happy without it?" Is work ever really something we happily choose to do, like we all just frolic at 8 a.m. like a kid to a candy store and say "I think I'm going to work today!" And I'm not even just talking about absolute financial necessity, like we live in some sort of society where we worship the temple of JOB so we can trade at the commons of FOOD. The more educated we are, the more choices we have about how we want to spend those 40 hours a week. Jobs offer a tangible (nameplate on door, money in pocket) outlet for whatever education we racked up or experience we fumbled through in jobs in the past. They also offer sustained interaction with adults we're not related to, (hopefully) engaged in some sort of project. The offer access to public kinds of power, even if just in little ways. So as much as most people would choose freedom over labor, there are things labor offers besides money that might seem hard to replace outside of that sphere. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most people need at least a little bit of both worlds, a place in a public sphere and the intimacy, warmth, and freedom of not having contractual obligations outside the home.

So why the heck does this get turned into an issue entirely about women, feminism, and what children need? It seems to me to be all about people from both sexes just trying to use the means at their disposal (and mostly here I'm talking about means in dollars and cents) to work out the balance of this in their lives. If a new child comes into someone's life, it's a huge event, and the strings towards home versus work can pull a lot tighter and at least for a few years cause people to reevaluate their priorities. Child care costs (the other skeleton in this closet) are also astronomical, so for a lot of people it seems to make no sense to have one person keep working when they're not feeling as into it if the family's net gain is reduced to $6000 or so after KinderCare bills.

Frankly, what I'd like to see is more women AND MEN saying that they're doing this because it was their choice for themselves. I'm tired of hearing the self-sacrificial, gender-based rationale, as in "a child needs its mother" or "I'm doing it all for my baby." Because speaking from experience, if you wanted to go out and start your own business somewhere, your child would be equally fine. And a child needs a family that loves her, not specifically some "mother" or "father" paragon. If more people admitted that it was a personal choice for their own reasons, for the joy they get out of being with their kids, for the hatred they had for their own job, for the free time they can now enjoy to pursue their real interests and dreams (like, say, writing), or for the combination of all three, it would be a lot harder for other people to make pronouncements for "what is good for women and mothers in general."

I sympathize with that law professor was talking about, in a way. I really, really would like for my daughters and sons to grow up in a world where there was a parity of women and men being CEOs of companies, running for office, curing diseases, everything. I frankly think the historical fact that there isn't and hasn't been is stupid, and with our social capacity to care for small children, think progressively about work and family balance, and birth control and life span there is no reason why there shouldn't be. She just got her target wrong. Women shouldn't have to be the banner bearers for making a career and a family mix, any more than they should have to be patriotic child-producers. If educated people want to opt-out while their children are young, fine. I'd like to live in a world where men and women opted out equally, and anyone who says that we can't acheive that either just doesn't have my patience or my optimism.

By the way, I was raised by a working mother who used to call her mom, who raised 11 kids, when she was feeling guilty when we were small and say, "I just feel so bad that I'm too tired after a long day to play with them in their bath like I want to." My grandmother, now with scores of progeny, told her that was nonsense. "Don't you think I was tired at the end of the day too?" Needless to say I don't have a picture of my mom much then of seeming frazzled or feeling guilty all the time. She was working class who became a white collar manager after some other people in her company when she was still working the phones sued for sex discrimination for their policy of not promoting women. She would never ever call herself a feminist, but I could always tell she enjoyed the responsibility she had at work and I never begrudged her the afternoons she was working before coming home for dinner with all of us. After she retired, she was bored out of her mind for a few years and went back to work in retail. I guess she just really likes to do things outside of the home that she was good at, and she has been a great role model for me. On the other side of things, my dad retired early when I was in grade school (back in the good old days of pensions). So after being at the babysitters when we were small, while the three of us were school age I had a stay at home dad. There were "Lunch room moms" and "Room mothers" but my dad was the lunch room dad. They should really rethink the way they write dads out of the SAHD possibility. He cooked the dinners, got peeved when Mom was late, did the laundry, drove us to soccer practices, and got to do a lot of the reading and gardening he'd missed while working. It worked out.

I'm in the middle of a PhD program. I love what I do, and I know I'd miss academia if (if I have kids) I lost out on the opportunity to go back when they were no longer small, so I'm planning on always working. I also won't settle for a partner who doesn't intend to play an enthusiastic role in a family. I'm really not worried about it. I'm betting there are great examples of making it work like I have in my mom that are just unsung. I'm sick of all this anti-feminist negativity, from all sides.

And as for my daughters, sure I hope they work. I want them to be President of the World. My sons too. I want all of their dreams to come true, but really I just want what my dad always said he wanted for me: to be happy.

There are two things that I’ve known since I was a young girl: that toupees are inherently strange and that I wanted to have children. Would Linda Hirschman, then, say that I should have stayed out of UCLA and the professional magazine world since I eventually wanted to become a mother? In other words, everyone with educations to work, and everyone without to the nursery? That’s ridiculous.

My mom stayed home with my brother and me until we were almost out of elementary school. When she eventually went back to work, it was around our schedules, so she was home when we were. I always felt that we were her greatest priority. I hope to do the same with my kids and am grateful every day—especially in this economy—that I have the option to do so.

My greatest hopes for my daughter and son are exactly the same: college, travel, a career, and a family. But the choice—and the balance of how much of each and when—will be theirs. Education comes in many forms and is never a waste. If my kids want to get Ph.D.s and then stay home with their kids, just think how interesting the conversation will be around the Cheerio bowl!

My mother stayed at home. Well, officially. Because officiously she was out all the time. We, middle-eastern babies, are mostly raised by lovely women from the south east of Asia or the Philippines who do all the dirty work (diapers, food, etc) while our mothers come home from their exhausting day of socializing to enjoy the "fun" moments with us.
My half sister now works and has two babies. She struggles with both and is happy in neither realm. My mom thinks she's a bad selfish mom for not wanting to stay home with the kids. But I don't recall spending much time with my mom either when I was small. She was always invited to all these fancy lunches and dinner and we'd hang out while she put on her makeup and her evening clothes.
Anyhoo.
I think the beauty of the so-called feminist revolution is that women now have a choice and no longer obligations. Well, sort of. I read "the double income trap" recently and it made me feel that many women traded the obligation to stay home for the obligation to work.

Hi Heather! I've been reading your website for about a year, and I love it to death. I think that it's great that you guys use ads on your websites to support your family. Exploit that free market system! :) It's one of your rights as an American.

As for the stay at home mom issue, I think it's great you are staying at home. My mom stayed at home with me until I went off to college (aside from a short stint working at our local library). Because of my mom, I was exposed to great literature and movies. She was always there if I had a bad day, and we always ate our meals together. It gave me a wonderful foundation for my life that I'm glad I have.

My mom is probably my best friend. I talk to her almost every day, and about almost everything. Even though I have made life choices that she does not agree with (I'm very liberal, she's very conservative) she's always supported me. If it weren't for my mother's stubbornness, I doubt I would have gotten a bachelor's degree. We had to go without a lot of things because we depended solely on Dad's income, but I think that it was worth it.

I'm 25 (well, I will be tomorrow... your website and I almost have the same birthday!), and I live on my own in a small city in Virginia. I'm trying my best to break into a journalism career, and if it weren't for the unflappable support of people like my mom, I doubt I would have gotten as far as I have. Most of the people I grew up with in rural Virginia are already married with babies. My mom loves that I can make it on my own, and that I'm trying as hard as I can to make this dream happen. I would want to give my daughter the same open-minded love and support that Momma has given me.

On a different note... I am also a knitter. I bought some bright red fun fur for a Fraggle Hat (yes, those Fraggles) that didn't end up working. At the end of my project I was left with that skein of bright red fun fur that reminded me of Elmo. I'm making it up into a little boa for Leta. Hopefully I'll finish it up in the next few days. Then she can be ElmoLeta! :)

My mother worked part time until I was 2, at which time, she and my father were once again on the adoption waiting list. After my brother was born, mum never worked out of the home again. She did have an in-house daycare, which was interesting at times. I don't think my mother is the type who can handle many children at once. Sometimes, at lunch, our house was filled with a dozen kids. Too much.

After my sister was in school, I wish she had gone back to working during the day and getting out more. She started to suffer from certain anxieties later and I think more exposure would have helped her.

For my daughter? If I have kids, I hope that they do what they want and what is best for them. Ironically, the best thing for me is probably not having kids.

For starters, I wrote you not too long ago to congratulate you on a few happy milestones in your life and I did, in fact, comment along the lines of how wonderful and fortuitous it is that the same blog that got you fired now allows you to earn a living and be home with Leta etc etc etc. I still feel that way so count it as a comment here, too.

That said, you are absolutely the epitome of feminisim simply by virtue of allowing yourself the freedom to make the choice and be the master of your own destiny in terms of being a SAHM. I, too, am an educated woman and while I could be out in the world working, I feel like raising my children is a more important way to flex my feminist muscle. Plopping them in a daycare would do nothing but eat at my soul and I'm sure I could be giving a rat's ass about feminist ideals in light of that. But that's me. The idea is that each woman gets to choose for herself. It ain't rocket science but some people, like Linda Hirshman, insist on complicating something so simple. Whatever.

My mom was a SAHM until I was 8. Then she worked at my school. Then my parents divorced and she worked 2 jobs and I hardly ever saw her. Then she died in a car accident when I was 13. Yes, that's a lot of sucky stuff to deal with but what do I most remember? That she was a room mother and came to help out almost every day for a whole year when I was in 2nd grade. That when she worked at my school, she would buy me a peanut butter cookie when they had them in the cafeteria and give it to me when she was leaving to go back to work after lunch. That she was there for me pretty much all the time. This isn't as eloquent or intellectual as a lot of the comments before me but I admired my mother. She was damned good at what she did and it wasn't until she had to work two jobs that we suffered.

As for my daughter, I hope she grows up to be a woman with options and choices. I hope she has the freedom to do and be whatever she wants without glass ceilings or double-standards. But mostly, I just want her to be happy and comfortable in her own skin.

My mother worked because she had to. She supported my sister and I after the divorce and became an insurance underwriter by taking classes at night for years.

I learned that being a mother means sacrificing and I'm not willing to do that right now. I'm 36. I've been married for over 15 years to a wonderful man and I don't think we'll ever have kids.

You all are far braver than I'll ever be.

Growing up, my Mom spent time both as a stay-at-home and then a working-outside-of-the-home and later busted her behind as a single Mom. At all of these stages, she never missed an important event. When she stayed at home, I remember things like homeade Play-Doh, hand-made dresses and cleaning - lots of cleaning. When she started to work outside of the home, I remember Happy Meals and pizza and fun nights with Dad as babysitter - memories also stirred by recent photo of Leta's Dad-inspired wardrobe. When she became a single Mom, I remember she worked long hours but never missed a single volleyball game - home OR away. She may not have been able to choose at each stage of mothering her children, but she always made the best of her situation and we never lacked her love and attention.

Ten years ago, I became a single mother to my firstborn. I HAD to work, but it was my CHOICE to do it well while trying my best to put my daughter first, even if that meant I wouldn't get the best raise or the next promotion. Now, I'm married and have added another beautiful daughter to my family. This time, I had a choice and I chose to stay at home with the baby and to be more available to my 5th grader. I know my girls would feel my love for them if I were working, too. But for ME, and MY family, things are running much more smoothly with me as a stay-at-home.

I worry sometimes that I won't be able to get another PR job when the time comes to go back to work. I struggle with feeling guilty about NOT working. Ironic. All the while I was working full-time, I spent much of that time feeling guilty about not staying at home...about missing all of those precious moments that happen throughout the day...about not being able to be the homeroom Mom. I guess that's the bottom line. No matter what our choice as Mother's, we share a lot more in common with each other than not. We love our kids and we are all candidates for Mayor of Guiltville.

In the end, I just hope my girls know how much I love them both and that I tried my very best to make the RIGHT choice for them. Not the right choice for Linda Hirshman, not the right choice for the bank account, not the right choice for the soccer Moms at PTO....but the right choice for them.

my mother stayed at home with my brother and me until my parents divorced when we were five and three.

she would have preferred to be with us, but she could not. she spent the rest of our childhoods barely making it. we learned how to eat spam and float checks. it was hard, but i am thankful for having grown up knowing that you don't need more than basic money to be happy.

my mom is amazing. she did what she had to do, divorce-wise, and child rearing-wise. she instilled me with the idea that i can do whatever i want.

unfortunately, i do not have the option of staying at home with my son. i work 25 hours per week cleaning houses, which makes me double what i could make at what would end up being an entry-level job, even on a career path. it is cost prohibitive for me to get a "real" job because it would not pay me enough to pay for child care.

so here i am, cleaning toilets with my psych degree, bearing it until creative projects bear fruit and my son goes to school. he stays with me or his father, so at least he has either of us at all times. in my mind, my time with him is more important than most anything. he is my most important project/job on this planet.

I completely agree, Heather. My own mother didn't stay at home with my brother and I and that was fifty years ago. She REALLY went against the flow then. However, my mother having died a little less than a year and a half ago, I wish she had. So to all of your detractors, my finger too!

You cannot ever get this time back and there WILL come a time when you would wish that you could. Enjoy your life, enjoy your husband and most importantly enjoy your beautiful daughter. You all will be better and stronger for it.

Congrats, Heather! Thanks for your site. You are truly one of my heroes, and by all accounts, my blogging role model. Your family is adorable.

I am the oldest of 6 children. Good heavens! Six? Six. All from the same father? Yes. I know. It's strange.
My mom has stayed home with us since I was four, and she quit a good job to do it. I have nothing but admiration for her and for the commitment that she and Dad made when she quit her job. Even when times were difficult financially, living on my dad's wage alone (and, when he was laid off, living on unemployment/part time work), there wasn't really ever talk of her going back and leaving us.

Having her at home provided me with security and stability. We had and still have an amazingly close relationship. She is definitely my best friend and confidante, and I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood.

I am a junior in college. At the beginning of school, I set out to *be* something--to prove to the world that I was an amazing woman and could make something of myself. My mom didn't push me either way--SAH or career--and I give her credit for that, because I know she's firmly entrenched in the SAH camp. However, she let me be my own person and come to my own conclusions. I pursued a degree in Computer Science, hoping to show the world what a great career woman I could be. One year and two internships later, I realized that my goals had changed and that wasn't at all what I wanted anymore. I was sick of databases and algorithms, and sick of office politics and "girl jokes" (I was the only woman in our office, and often the only one in my classes as well). And then I realized what I really want to be when I grow up: a mom, preferably the stay-at-home variety. I believe it's no less of a calling or career than anything else a woman could do.
Having no boyfriend and thus no concrete 'foundation' on which to build this goal (yet), I'm still in school. I'm now a Classics major/Writing Minor. I'm doing what I love, and not worrying about the naysayers who tell me, "You'll be making lattes for the rest of your life!" Sure. Perhaps this major isn't as marketable as my last one. So what? At this point I don't want to be marketable. I do, however, want to be educated, and I want to use this 'pre-mom' time to learn things and take classes which will enhance my understanding of life, and my ability to go back to school later, if I choose to do so.

As for my daughter...I want her to do what's right for her.

Heather, you are my personal hero. I aspire to have such an entertaining, original, and well written blog someday.

I'm not sure I necessarily would want to be a SAHM however. I guess I feel that a job and parenting will always be in a precarious balance. I feel like many women would like to do both. But really, I think it depends on the job. Some are worth the balancing act. Some aren't. If yours isn't, and you can support yourself without it, then fuck it.

Personally, I plan to be extremely successful- famous even- and still have a wonderful, fulfilling family life. I plan to win the game of Life.

But what do I know? I'm only twenty.

Excellent post. I am a new mom who also has a master's degree. Your words are exactly what I have been saying for so long. I educated myself so that I would have choices, options, a life.

As for my mom, she was a SAHM. It was nice to come home to her after school. The only thing that I would change is that I would have made her less dependent upon us, her children, for a social life. Outside of being the PTA president she did not have any other hobbies or friends. It seemed like she felt she had to give all of that up to be a good mom. After seeing how she gave up so much, I feel that maybe she cheated herself and that actually showing your children you have a life outside of them is healthier.

Howdy! As a 19-year-old college sophomore who has met the man she will marry following graduation and start a family with sometime thereafter, this topic has come up quite a bit between my boyfriend and I.
Growing up I was fortunate enough to live in a household with both of my parents. Their jobs have been rather flexible and accomodating to family life. My mom stayed at home with my brother and I until we were both in elementary school, when she went back to work as a nurse part-time. My father worked out of the home since I was about 7 years old.
My boyfriend was raised in a similar household environment, so our views on the subject of stay-at-home moms are pretty much the same. His goal, post-graduation, is to start a career that will (financially) allow me to stay at home with our future children, if I CHOOSE to do so. Since I've seen the benefits of having a stable homelife with a stay-at-home mom first- hand,as well as from my studies as part of my major, I hope I will be able to stay at home with the kids.
My parents have always supported me and encouraged me to do whatever my heart is put into. Naturally, I will do the same for daughters.

My mother worked because she had to, and it broke her heart. To this day, any signs of weakness and instability in me brings back feelings of her inner guilt. My parents immigrated here in the early 70's to give us the lifestyle and opportunities that we now experience, and knowing the sacrifice they made in their lives by leaving their home, going to a place where they will always be judged by their accent now breaks my own heart.

I want my daughter to remember what our mothers and grandmothers went through for us to be where we are today. To fight for our right to choose what to do with our lives; to fight for the right to even have those choices; and to always remember that those choices are really choices, and no one - not society, not colleagues, not guilt - should dictate how we make those choices.

My parents were divorced so my mother had no choice but to work. I don't think it did any damage to my mental stability if you don't count those times when I was a teenager and drank moonshine from a straw.
(I was raised in Alabama.)

I'm only kidding.

The problem I have with the entire stay at home/ work from home Mom debate is the reasons women give for their choices. The main attribute about being a "feminist" ( I HATE THAT WORD) is that we take advantage of our choices. Your choice is what is best for YOUR family and vice versa.

My husband worked TWO jobs (totat of almost 80 hours a week) for me to stay at home with our children. He was missing out on watching the joy of our kids grow up and that broke my heart. This man never complained, nor did her express his sadness. He just did it so we could eat.

I made the decision to go back to work so we could raise our children together. He stays home with the young ones that aren't in school and goes to work in the evenings. I am fortunate to have a very flexible, high paying job so I don't miss out on field trips and the joys of watching our children grow.

We are truly raising our children together.

When he was working for me to stay at home, we both were missing out. I was missing out because I was feeling like a single parent and he was working and hardly home. We were two sleep deprived zombies--- hardly the basis for happy parenting.

Family should always come first and sometimes that means working to help put food on the table and making the necessary changes to your 'ideal' way of life.

I hope my daughters will take away the fact that being a woman is a beautiful thing. There is no one "RIGHT" way to raise a family, there is only a loving way. Doesn't mean it will be easy (you try drinking moonshine through a straw!) but when there is the pure basis of love within a family everyone thrives.

Hi Heather,
I love your site! I've been completely addicted for almost 2 years now. Thank you so much for everything you've shared about yourself. You have no idea how much its helped me. Every wonderful thing anyone's ever said to you about dooce.com, let me just say, "ditto"...

My mother stayed home with me and my older sister until I was in third grade. My father worked a 9-5. My mother had been an elementary school teacher before she had us, and when she returned to work outside the home, she became a substitute teacher in our school until she found a permanent teaching job a few years later. I am glad she stayed home as long as she did. There were kids on my school bus who got on at this other kid's house because his mom ran a before-and-after school daycare for kids whose parents worked. I never envied them. My mom made my lunch every day and put little "Love you" notes in with it (I loved that!). She was there to put me on the school bus every morning, and she chaperoned all the school field trips, and never missed anything. I can't think of anyone else's mom who chaperoned more field trips than my mom...

My mother often says she feels like she failed as a mother in so many ways. If I could change one thing, I would've wanted my mother to have less self-doubt in her abilities as a mother (and what she accomplished as a mother). I think she would've enjoyed the experience a lot more, rather than always worrying that she wasn't "super-mom" (whatever that means). I suffer from the same inclination to compare myself to others and occasionally buy into the propaganda of what a good parent is supposed to be, but I want to try to avoid that when I'm a mom. I always remind her that neither my sister nor I think she was anything less than exceptional as a mother, and we cherish the time we got to spend with her during those years. I could not have felt more loved. And for the record, I think my sister and I both turned out well. We have great relationships with our parents to this day.

I don't have any children yet, but I think if we can swing it financially, I want to stay home with them at least until they're in school all day. Sure, I have goals I'd be happy to accomplish in my current work situation, but I wouldn't see becoming a SAHM as anything more than a change of industry. Since I'm hovering around that time when we're actually going to start a family (married 2 1/2 years, and turning 28 yrs old on Thursday), sometimes its weird to think that even if that promotion is just one year away or whatever, just as I get to that point, I'll be giving my notice and moving on to this motherhood challenge.

To give you the flip-side of it, my husband had a stay-at-home dad (sort of) during his early childhood. His father worked 3rd shift for a few years, so he was home all day. My mother-in-law was a teacher. (There were grandparents living next door helping out too.) It worked well for them. I love that my husband doesn't have any preconceptions about who is responsible for child-rearing full-time. He's just as willing to do it as I am. But since he has the earning potential which would allow us to live comfortably on one income, its most likely going to be me that stays home. But it has nothing to do with me being a woman. We just agree that we want one of us to be home full-time when the kids are little.

If I have a daughter, I hope she grows up to be happy. Period.

Take care,
Jessica :)

P.S. This will make you laugh: I found this so random, but my mother once told me that if she could do it all over again, she'd let us ride the horses outside the grocery store more (y'know, the mechanical ones that cost 25 cents). She actually feels bad that she said "no" so often because she was in a hurry. "It would've only taken 3 extra minutes," she said. I don't think I had ever appreciated my mother more than in that moment that she said that to me. That lesson will stay with me FOREVER.

My Mom (a first generation college graduate) stayed at home and raised 7 children. Overall I think this was the best thing for our family. That being said, it seems to me that my Mom gave too much of herself away to us and my Dad and got little in return (the subject of their marriage is a long sad story, perhaps if they connected better she would not be such a shell of a person right now). Now that we are all gone she is a little lost and is slowly trying to find a place in the world where there are no diapers or bedtime routines or carpools.

I have 2 children and LOVE being a SAHM... but I do work 1-2 days a week out of the home as a Speech Pathologist. Any more than that would be torture, but I feel I need the time to get out and do something for me. At this point in my life I would say that working occasionally makes me a better Mom.

This is definetly my choice. In order to make it so that I can quit at any time I need to, we don't spend a penny of what I make, it just goes in the bank. I can't imagine being compelled to work because we need the money or whatever. Really, working is just something I need to do so that the other 6 days of the week I can be a (mostly) sane Mom.

My mom always worked. My dad used to tell this story about how she tried to stay home after my youngest sister was born, but she got too wrapped up in the lives of people on television...my dad would come home and she would fill him in on all the soaps. She didn't last 3 months.

I am a scientist, and now at the stage in my career where I have to decide whether to work for fame and tenure, or focus on children and family - both jobs equally demanding, but the latter has better perks, I think. My mom managed to have a high powered career and a happy family, but boy is she tired.
It's a tough decision to make, but I feel lucky that I can make that choice and not have it made for me.

P.S.
I love your writing, Heather. You are a fabulous story teller.

My mother has a PHD and when I was born she chose not to go back to work. She also chose to go back (with my father) to our home country. Since then she's gone back to collage and had some part-time work. It was always her choice not to work, however now that she does want to go back, she can't (they won't employ her).

Without children, or a parter, I don't know what I'd do. It would depend on the circumstances, but I'd always want the choice. I always thought the feminist movement fought for the choice. Otherwise, how much better off are we?

My mother stayed home with me and my brother until we were in school. At that point, she went to work for my Dad (he had an office that she ran, so we all hung out there together) until we were in Junior high. She went back to school to be a teacher at that point, and can I just say I felt the loss keenly. It was a really tough transition. It felt like we were suddenly left alone. Of course, we were old enough not to be in danger or anything, but it was an emotional loss.
As an adult I've made the choice to stay home with my daughter (with a son on the way in April), quitting my teaching career of six years to do it. I tried going part time my first year of motherhood, but it was terrible. I felt miserable and hated every minute I was at work. I just wanted to be with my daughter. It seems insane that a woman should do something she really doesn't want to do so her education doesn't go to "waste". My education is being used every day to creatively parent my child. That is the best thing I could do with it.
I hope to encourage my daughter (and son) to follow their hearts on this issue. If they want to be the primary caregiver to their children, they should have the right to do so, male or female.

Mom worked at home and then for my dad when we girls got older. She regrets it because she loved staying home and soon after, I got pregnant at 14. Of course, I felt sad when she worked, but by then (they separated at the same time) The Guilt had kicked in for her and didn't hit me until much later.

She pushed me to get an education and I took that baby (then, age 3) to college and lived in married housing. Mom still encouraged me, though not in the traditional sense: she felt bad about quitting after 2 years and wanted better for me. For a while, I had that I CAN DO IT ALL crap shoved down my throat and worked, got pregnant again---and again---(she bestowed fertility to me) and taught high school with a growing family. Finally, I decided: I DIDN'T WANT IT ALL.

After 2 years off, I'm back and getting 2 master's degrees. Not because I want it all. Right now, I want THAT. My baby didn't turn out to be a statistic (and neither did I) and she will turn 20 soon. She's in college doing what she wants, and my mom taught me that THAT was what she wanted for me along. And her wishes for me aren't lost on me. Even at 34, I still cherish her choices and allowing me to make my own mistakes. There is Guilt no more.

I wouldn't change a thing about that.

I can't imagine how you'll get through all these comments, but in case you do . .
My mom had an in home daycare when I was very small (under one), and then stayed home until my sister and I were in school. She went back to school at night and while we were in school (my little brother stayed with my grandmother then)and when she graduated (I was about 7 or 8) she started working, full-time.
I absolutely LOVED that she worked. I LOVED being able to tell my friends that my mom had a job, I loved having the key to my house in my back-pack, I loved feeling independant and grown-up and proud of my mom. I'm not sure where all that came from, but I definitely felt glad that my mom did not stay home from second or third grade on. I don't know if I would have felt the same way had she been working when I was younger--but honestly, I don't remember at all being glad that she was there. I didn't give it any thought one way or another, until she went to work, and then suddenly I was aware, and I liked it. Maybe just because I was suddenly old enough to be aware of such things. Who knows.
Currently, I am a SAHM to my 3 year old and 1.5 year old. I love being a SAHM much more than I thought I would (though I also hate it more than I thought I would), and I plan to stay home until the kids are in school. I'm really glad to have this time with my kids, and I feel blessed that, so far, we are able to afford it.
But I have always planned to go back, and I look forward to that, in some ways.

My mom was a hairdresser or beautician or cosmetologist or hair stylist. Whatever you want to call it that is what she did. She was home with us during the day and then when my dad came home, she went to work. I had much bigger issues with my mom than whether she worked or not. Like, was she sober or not. I would change that she was an alcoholic, I guess, but then would I be who I am today? I don't think so. Maybe I wouldn't change anything.

I have done it all--I have worked outside the home and worked at home. I have 2 teenagers and an 11 year old and they aren't happy no matter which way I have chosen to do it. My middle child (14) would like me to be home, my son (11) wants me to be home but doesn't approve of the way that I worked from home and my oldest (20) would rather I fell off of the face of the earth. I would like my daughters to do whatever makes them happy and keeps them off of welfare. It may sound trite or cliche, but that is what I wish for.

My mother stayed home with my two younger siblings and me. She worked part-time at night and took care of two other children for a few years. Eventually as we got older she started her own business doing something she loved to do but allowed her to still be home with us.

Before I was married with children I was in a conversation about how staying at home with your children was a "waste of an education." I earnestly believe that education will make a person do any job better, be it trash-collector or rocket scientist. I am proud that I can intelligently discuss music, art, history, science with my three year old and that she will reap the benefits of being exposed to these things. I certainly don't feel like the investment in my education was wasted money because I stay at home with my children.

Most importantly, what my mother gave me was the knowledge that no matter what, she would be there for me. And I think a lot of that security comes from having her always there physically when I was a child. My hope is that my daughter and son will find that same security in my presence.

I'm glad my mom stayed home with us not just because I personally benefited but also because now that I stay at home with my children I know the pain, joy, and everything in between that can only be experienced when you are with your children all day everyday. I know I have stretched and grown more than I ever would have in the 9-5 world. I am a better person for staying home with my children and I know my mom feels her life was enriched in the same way.

My mother had all but a couple classes left to graduate with her teaching degree, when she dropped out and became a hippie...and then a Jesus Freak...and then a missionary and a mother of NINE! She was a SAHM and homeschooled every last one of us. Needless to say, not very many people in her life understood many of her decisions to do any of these things, but she has nine kids who think she is the greatest (albiet craziest) mother the world has known. She was practically one of the kids, she made learning alive, she is my hero and to be honnest, she's a hard act to follow.

I'm a stay-at-home mom who still does fill the need for some personal challenges of my own, though I'm not yet ready to step into a full-time career.

As for my daughter, call me idealistic, but I wish for her to grow up in a world (or at least a marriage) where childrearing is shared equally by both parents, allowing her a chance to realize her dreams too. I wish that she'd learn to ignore the Mommy Wars, and the pressures society might put on her to be a "supermom." I want her to have choices and to follow her heart.

Comments are open! Holy shit! :o)

Wow...Linda Hirshman is a huge, huge cunt. And I say that from the depths of my feminist heart because I have chosen to.

My Mom stayed home with both my brother and me until we were in school. Then she took jobs that coincided with our school schedules and was home with us in the afternoon. As we got to be old enough to look after ourselves, she returned to full-time work, while still absorbing the brunt of all of her previous household 'duties.'

As a kid, I was too self-centered to appreciate how much of her time was given to us. I never appreciated the sacrifice she was making to be at home with me...to give me somewhere warm and clean and calm to end my day. But what bothers me the most in retrospect is that my father never appreciated the sacrifices she was making either, and he should have. It was just expected.

I wouldn't change anything about what my Mom did as far as staying home or working outside the home, but I would change the fact that she never stood up and demanded the respect that she deserved for how goddamn hard she worked.

I am 33 with a 16 month old son and another son due in EIGHT DAYS. (Fuck me!) I have stayed at home with Liam (son #1) and will stay at home with the new baby and any other babies my husband and I have, provided we are fortunate enough to have the luxury of that choice.

So far, I don't have any daughters. What I wish for my boys is that they will respect and honor all of your daughters that they meet, regardless of what career path they have 'chosen.'

My mother was a SAHM from the time my older brother was born until I was in high school - a span of about 23 years. My mother is highly educated -- Phi Beta Kappa at a Seven Sisters college -- and had a pretty high-powered career as an economist when she found out she was pregnant with my brother. My father is a lawyer, so there was no need for my mother to continue to work and, it being the 1960s, she gave up her career to stay at home and raise the children.

She never admits to having any regrets about the path she took and the decisions she made, but I know she is curious how far she could have gone and what she could have accomplished.

I know my mother prides herself on being a good mother who was always there for her children, but the ultimate irony is that now her three adult children are closer to my father, the man who worked insane hours and was never home when we were kids.

My mom was an executive secretary before she married my dad. Then she quit. I don't mean to sound dismissive of your choice, but I always wished my mother had worked. I wish I'd had a role model of a professional woman. I certainly wish we hadn't always been living hand to mouth! Unfortunately, she was the kind of woman who totally subsumed herself in her kids... and I think that's one of several reasons I never wanted to have any myself, because I didn't want to disappear as an individual as she had. That's clearly not the case with you, of course. Perhaps if she had had ANY interests outside of her kids, it would have been fine. But as someone who will unfortunately always have to work, I wish I had seen that growing up. Just my .02!

My mother essentially worked while we were either a) asleep (literally napping at the sitters house) or b) in school. And it was a flexible job that could be moved around if she was needed for field trips, etc.

When it came time for me to chose a career, I (childless then and now) gave careful thought to how I could find a reasonably family-friendly, flexible-hours, but yet intellectually challenging career that would give me the same option if and when I needed it. I quite deliberately selected library/archives as my field because of the volume of jobs that have hours that match school schedules, or can be made to match them, and also because I had spent so much time managing data I reckoned I may as well go to grad school for that as anything else. And I like books.

If I ever have daughters, I would hope they are able to choose something that is fulfilling to them in all the ways they need or want it to be.

Also, I've been a reader for I think a year now, and I just wanted to tell you that I am so glad you have let us come on this journey with you. Also, you are *hilarious* and take excellent photographs.

Hi Heather,

Congrats on your 5th anniversary!

My mother was a SAHM married to a successful cardiologist. She loved being a mother but I think having him pulling the financial purse strings was stressful - as it is in relationships where money becomes a way of showing power rather than nurture, interdependence, and partnership.

Growing up, I perceived her as weak because of those dynamics & I vowed not to be the same...I resented her example & felt it limited me. It wasn't until many years later that I understood her choices and appreciated the sacrifices she made. Last year, I wrote a piece for her to finally tell her so: http://rickshawdiaries.blogspot.com/2005/08/to-catch-dragonfly.html

If I could change anything about her...it would be to say that saying no is okay - and that we as her children would always love her, even when we couldn't always understand her.

Feminism is about choices and I hope that my daughter will grow up to be what she loves, whether it is a SAHM, a working-outside-the-home mom, not a mom, or any combination in between.

Also, your post from February 3rd moved me so deeply - I carry your words with me:

>> "I wanted to tell you that story because that is my hope for you, that no matter how far away you go or how different we may become — I know it’s going to happen, it’s only a matter of time — that when you see my face you will find strength. Look for me." <<

Beautiful. Thank you.

Warmly,
Baraka

My parents were *babies* when they got married and things must have been hard ALL THE TIME. I remember being in daycare for a little bit here and there while my dad was in seminary (he dropped out) and my mom was working at a health-food restaurant and also at a health spa (their slogan was "we want your body NOW!" We'd go there after-hours and use the pool, and they also had one of those fat-jiggling machines, which was obviously fascinating).

By the time my mom was 30 she'd had all 4 of us kids, and a few years later, she started a home business. Her workshop was in the basement, so she was home when she was working and was always available to make snacks and help with homework and yell directives up the stairs. My dad was still clearly winning most of the bread, but the family income was totally a joint effort. They even paid me to do my mom's books every Monday.

I think one of the most valuable things my parents did for me was to demonstrate that there are flexible and interesting ways to make a living. Neither of them have ever had careers that harness all of their prodigious talents, it's true--but on the other hand, they are both amazing people, sought out by their relatives and friends and their kids' friends and friends' kids for company and advice and good times. I don't have kids yet, but I think because of my parents' example, I don't experience the home/work dichotomy the way some women do, and for that I am extremely grateful.

It will take a long time for me to read all these comments. Dooce, thank you for letting your readers comment.
My parents divorced when I was 5; my mother started working full time then and has never stopped, even when it wasn't necessary. I admire my mother's work ethic and it has definitely influenced my life. On the flip side, I think my mother didn't take the time to enjoy being a mother - perhaps she found more satisfaction working than she did staying at home for her first 8 years of parenting. (I have an older sibling). I certainly feel loved and appreciate the sacrifices she made for my education, but she was able to share in so little.
I have created some success in my own life, and I wonder how I will face the SAHM choice when the time comes. I certainly hope to have the opportunity to work a more flexible schedule when the time arrives. I wish I could say that I will make whatever sacrifice needed to stay home, but I'm not sure I'll find the satisfaction I think need. "Think" being the flaw to that opinion.
I look forward to the opportunity, but I'm terrified at the responsibility of another person. Hence, I am currently 33 and childless.

my father grew up on an indian reservation, surrounded by abuse and poverty. He managed to break the cycle and not only was the first to graduate high school in his family, but went on to college, where he met my mother. during their first year of marriage, they went to visit my father's family and saw my aunt's eight month old neglected son and volunteered to take him. they ended up adopting him, and my mother decided to drop out of school to take care of him. i was born while my father was in law school, as was my younger brother. we ended up adopting another of my [different] aunt's daughters and my youngest sister was born when i was eight years old. [that's five, if my math doesn't fail me]

it never really registered when i was younger that my mother stayed at home. until i was 11 there was someone at home to be taken care of, and some of my fondest memories are playing with my brothers and sisters and my mother. she taught us to be independent and loving and i'm thankful for that. she decided to go back to school about a year before my parents split up to get her degree as a nurse. i loved being able to share her schooling experience with her--she really inspired me to find something that i love to learn about. i'm a freshman in college now, and she and i still share our love for knowledge.

i think that i'll stay at home when i have children. i want to know my kids as well as i can. however, i don't think that anyone can be a good mother if they're not happy. i want my children [all of them] to find what they love and revel in it. i want them to make choices that are good for themselves and their families. i want them to look to women like you for examples. thank you for sharing with us every day, and for letting us tell you our stories.

My mom worked outside the home not by choice but by necessity. Even though she and my dad were married and he worked, it wasn't enough to make those ends ever come together. Had she the opportunity to work from home, I'm sure she'd have jumped at the chance. Alas, that was back when computers took up entire rooms, so unless we lived in MIT, that wasn't an option.

Thankfully I have a part-time job that allows me to spend about 90% of my working hours at home, but I find it's hard to squeeze it in during my (almost)6 month old daughter Jadyn's naps, all while doing the 80 metric tons of laundry we seem to generate per week, managing to put some semblance of hot food on the table, and keeping our home from looking like we're still cleaning up from Katrina.

At times I think it may actually be easier to drop her off somewhere for those 20 hours a week when I'm supposed to be generating income, and then come back to get her, leaving work at work. But that whole "grass is greener" thing is just a waste of energy, so I'll be thankful for what I have.

What do I hope Jadyn grows up to do? Whatever she loves and excels at simultaneously. She was fascinated by the figure skaters while watching the Olympics, and if she wants to do something like that, I'd better start saving my pennies. No matter what it is she winds up doing, I hope it's fulfilling and enduring.

My mother was SAH until my father hit financial catastophe when I was about 9. At that point she tried being a daycare provider and some other home-based businesses before going to work full time. Financially things got even worse, and then she worked three part-time jobs at once.

Even at that age, I think I was glad for the increased freedom and alone time. Now that I am an adult I appreciate what she did and realize how hard it must have been.

If finances hadn't been an issue I believe she would have always been SAH, but possibly gone back to school eventually.

Some of my best friends are SAHMs. One is a SAHM to one-year old twins and a three year old. All boys. Do I think these women could do something else with their education? Do I think they have made a valid choice?

What I think is that they are fucking superheroes. Breathing, moving monuments to grace. I think they draw on wells of patience, strength and energy deeper than I have ever accessed. Watching what they do makes me want to be a better person. It also makes me want to stop by to change a diaper (or three) more often.

As for what I want my daughters to do...I don't have any children. I have always kind of assumed I wouldn't have any. Over the past year, a few things have made me reconsider that. One of those things is spending time with the children of the women I mentioned. Another thing is you. Reading about you and John and Leta.

I should be so strong and so lucky.

My mother was SAH until my father hit financial catastophe when I was about 9. At that point she tried being a daycare provider and some other home-based businesses before going to work full time. Financially things got even worse, and then she worked three part-time jobs at once.

Even at that age, I think I was glad for the increased freedom and alone time. Now that I am an adult I appreciate what she did and realize how hard it must have been.

If finances hadn't been an issue I believe she would have always been SAH, but possibly gone back to school eventually.

Some of my best friends are SAHMs. One is a SAHM to one-year old twins and a three year old. All boys. Do I think these women could do something else with their education? Do I think they have made a valid choice?

What I think is that they are fucking superheroes. Breathing, moving monuments to grace. I think they draw on wells of patience, strength and energy deeper than I have ever accessed. Watching what they do makes me want to be a better person. It also makes me want to stop by to change a diaper (or three) more often.

As for what I want my daughters to do...I don't have any children. I have always kind of assumed I wouldn't have any. Over the past year, a few things have made me reconsider that. One of those things is spending time with the children of the women I mentioned. Another thing is you. Reading about you and John and Leta.

I should be so strong and so lucky.

ps- I too think Linda is a cunt and I think you and your choices ROCK.

Congrats on 5 years! Here's to another 5! Mom worked after my sister and I were both going to school full-time. She drove school bus for our district so our days off meshed. That job lasted until she went back to school for a year when I was 16. Then she went to work in an office for the remainder of school (had to pay for 2 kids in college!). I wouldn't change a thing. I learned how to cook dinner because Mom was at work. I learned responsibility. Since no-one was at home full time, we all shared household chores, everything from laundry to cleaning to mowing the lawn. I learned compromise. I learned bartering (I'll do your chores if you do this...) I learned the consequences of not doing my share. I grew up knowing that I could do whatever I wanted... the direction of my life was fully under my control. If I had daughters, I would teach them the same. I would become my mother.

Great blog today!
My mother also stayed at home and raised my brother and me for 12 years before she went back to work. I wouldn't change a thing about having her around. She was always there for us.
My great grandmother, my grandmother and my mother all stayed home to raise their children, but as the first female college graduate, I find it harder to make that decision to (temporarily) stop my career when my husband and I are ready to have children. I am, however, hopeful that I - or my future daughter - will be in the situation to make that decision.

Heather,

I'm a new mom and reading your website has brought me so much joy. I've gone through quite a bit of what you did (yay anti depressants!), and knowing that I'm not all by my lonesome has made all the difference.

My mom was a single mother who worked her ass off, sometimes holding down three jobs just to make ends meet. She would have LOVED to stay home with me, but that was not an option for her. As her daughter, I too wished she could have stayed home, but my childhood was spent as the last kid at after school day care waiting for my mom to come take me home.

I now have a 9 month old son and am lucky enough to stay home with him full time. Sometimes this job really sucks and I wish that I could go to work just to talk to someone that doesn't scream or poop on me. This is by far the hardest job I've ever had (I used to work at a boys juvenile detention camp as a special education teacher, which was by no means easy).

With this being said, I wouldn't change a thing. I want to be here for my son in ways that my mom couldn't be for me. Had she been in my place, I know she would have stayed home in a heartbeat. As for any daughters that I might have, I would like her to have to choice of working or staying home with her children. I realize that staying at home isn't for everyone.

Having an education and being a SAHM is not a waste. How is raising children a waste of an education? If educated women shouldn't raise their children, who should? Uneducated strangers?

Heather,

I'm a new mom and reading your website has brought me so much joy. I've gone through quite a bit of what you did (yay anti depressants!), and knowing that I'm not all by my lonesome has made all the difference.

My mom was a single mother who worked her ass off, sometimes holding down three jobs just to make ends meet. She would have LOVED to stay home with me, but that was not an option for her. As her daughter, I too wished she could have stayed home, but my childhood was spent as the last kid at after school day care waiting for my mom to come take me home.

I now have a 9 month old son and am lucky enough to stay home with him full time. Sometimes this job really sucks and I wish that I could go to work just to talk to someone that doesn't scream or poop on me. This is by far the hardest job I've ever had (I used to work at a boys juvenile detention camp as a special education teacher, which was by no means easy).

With this being said, I wouldn't change a thing. I want to be here for my son in ways that my mom couldn't be for me. Had she been in my place, I know she would have stayed home in a heartbeat. As for any daughters that I might have, I would like her to have the choice of working or staying home with her children. I realize that staying at home isn't for everyone.

Having an education and being a SAHM is not a waste. How is raising children a waste of an education? If educated women shouldn't raise their children, who should? Uneducated strangers?

Ok...

My mom worked and was miserable. She would come home and fall asleep on the couch...leaving me to do what I wanted from the time I got home from school. I was a "Latchkey kid". I have horrible ADD. Nobody knew anything about it back then...(I'm 29). I never did my homework (too distracted by playing), was always late to school, failed many grades. I never had any help with my school work, but when someone actually took the time to give me special attention I flourished. Proof of that was my many summers spent at summer school where the classes are longer (1 1/2-2 hours) and everyone has ADD so school is geared toward it. My averages during my summers were upper 90's...excellent grades for a fuck up. That is what I felt like...Why couldn't I be as good at school as so and so? "I must be stupid" is what I thought. I was so alone. I ended up quiting high school all together in the 11th grade. I was so depressed I skipped all the time. I had an ulcer...nobody put 2 and 2 together, I was never helped...I didn't even know I had ADD until I roomed with a friend who happened to be a third grade teacher and she noticed the similarities between me and her really super distracted students. I took welbutrin for a while in my early 20's and learned how to cope. I also decided I wasn't going to be one of those kids who quits high school and never get their diploma so as soon as I left school I went and took my exam and scored way above average! Earning my diploma in one fell swoop!

I've gone to college and I'm now married and have learned a great deal about focus, motivation, determination, and responsibility from my husband...things which should have come from my parents...from my mom if she wasn't so exhausted daily. bottom line I love my mom and i think that if she could have given me the attention I needed, my life would have been very different.

Oh and lists! Hooray for lists!!!

love love love your site btw...I visit everyday.

My mum was a SAHM until I was about 13 when she opened a store with her best friend. I always took for granted that she was there to pick me up after school and take me where i wanted to go, so after she started working things changed for me for the better. I think it helped me to grow up a little, i had to organise my own way to and from school and I realised her life did not revolve around me (so much) and she had her own things to worry about as it was. I think she did the right thing and I admire that she stayed at home and looked after my brother and I while we were young and then followed her dream later on.

My mom worked nights until I was about 5. That's when my dad left. She didn't work for a while after that, but she was a single mom with two kids and a deadbeat husband. It made me sad that my mother couldn't be at home with us because I knew that it made her sad. My older brother and I were the stereotypical latchkey kids.

I hope my daughters (should I ever have any) grow up to do whatever makes them feel like they are doing exactly what they were meant to do.

What I want to know in comments is what did your mother do?

My mother, after staying home when we were little, went back to college and then went to law school.

Did your mother stay at home?

She stayed at home for a few years. When she was a student, she wasn't home that much. I have no memory of her being home with me. It annoys the hell out of me when they talk about women not working as if working is optional. (This is sort of the opposite side of the knife Linda Hirshman is wielding. Of course, her angle is also bullshit.) When my mom stayed home, we were on food stamps.

Did she work?

Yes, she worked extremely hard. She also did most of the housework and the day to day running of the family. She spent all her time cleaning the house or studying or paying bills or taking naps to make up for all the sleep she didn't get. Our dad was the one who read to us and played with us. My mom was usually busy.

And how did you feel about what she did?

I admired her tremendously. And I felt incredibly guilty all the time for being a child, since this felt like I was making her life harder. She was and is remarkably irritable. She used to yell at us about how early she had to get up in the morning, how hard she had to work, how we didn't do enough around the house. She was bitter. She did not make my life easy. I was expected to help an incredible amount and I spent a lot of my free time babysitting and cleaning the house. It was never enough.

All the moms I knew in childhood were irritable whether they worked or not (although most moms I knew worked). They all worked and were sort of angry and beaten down.

The context is not just gender but class and upward mobility and all the rest. My mother did come from genteel poverty, made worse by her own widowed mother's inability to make a decent living and provide security. This made her obsessed with making money and so forth. It's much more complex when you add class, race, recent immigration, etc. It's not like everyone has the luxury of staying home. My mother certainly did not.

If you could change anything about what she did what would that be?

I wish she would have been happy. I would have been less afraid to have children. I was terrified to have a child because I thought I would be unhappy and bitter and resent my child. I am already my mother's daughter with respect to my own obsession with my career and fear of failure. I didn't realize that having a child would bring me joy and perspective.

I never gave a thought to staying home. First, we could never, ever in a million years afford it. Second, we would not be able to have the best health or life insurance since my job provides those I am like my mother in the sense that it would be hard for me to not have the concrete 'accomplishment' of a degree and once you get that advanced degree, you get a bit obsessed with the production of whatever the degree was for.

What happened was that I married someone who would share ALL the challenges of parenthood and domesticity with me--who would shoulder a huge amount of the burden. That is a whole other can of worms though.

Also, what do you hope your daughters grow up to do?

I don't care, although I have joked about turning her into a doctor because I believe the American economy is soon to collapse. (Doctors will always have jobs). The one thing I don't want to do is obsess about her intelligence, her accomplishments, etc. It is very important to me that if she wants to teach kindergarten or stay at home with her kids or join a convent or a freaky hippie commune then all I will care is whether she is happy. I'm hoping the post-poverty-immigration-success freak out will end with us.

My mom was a SAHM, who always said that being a housewife was in fact a full time job. She always had a lot projects going on, she started a company that made Christmas decorations, she sold Amway, she was big on the Women's Committee in church. She had a degree in Fine Arts.
I studied Fashion Design, moved to the middle of nowhere and now only work part time. I miss having a full time job but I want to be a SAHM too.

What a great topic, thanks for opening comments!

Both of my parents worked, though neither one of them went to college to pursue a formal education. After four years of college and six years in the working world, I still hadn't figured out exactly what my dream job was.

When we decided to start our family, I had already been working from home for a couple of years. Although I wanted to continue working, I never really gave much thought to not being at home with our son. Coupled with a cross-country move at six months pregnant, the choice was easy.

I'm lucky that I have the option to stay home with him. Even on the challenging days when I hope with all my heart that someone would hire me full-time just to get me out of the house...I try to remind myself that I am lucky.

I do long to work outside the home again someday. I miss the challenge, the collaboration. I miss the working ME sometimes. And in a few years, our little one will be off to school and I'll be able to pursue something outside the home.

But I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything. He'll only be this old today and I've got the rest of my life to work.

When I was growing up my mom was a stay at home mother. She stayed home to raise the kids. I honestly don't think that staying at home was her first choice. My dad was a honest to goodness MAN, and he wanted his WIFE at home doing her JOB raising HIS kids. Yeah. The first chance my mom had to get a job once we were in school she did.

I would love to stay at home when I become a mother, at least for the first years of my childs life. Unfortunately I don't think that will be a choice for me. We don't have the money coming in that would make it possible. I hope to take as much time off as I can, but I will still be sad to see that happen. The way I figure it, I have 2 years to win the lottery. ;)

For my daughters, I want them to make thier own choices as well. I think that when and if they choose to have thier own children that they will know in their hearts what is the right path for them. No one should be forced to live their life as anything other then what they choose.

Good for you for living your dreams, Heather. I am a daily reader, and I have emailed you a few times. I try to remember click your [deleted due to Google terms of service agreement], and I hope that you can continue to live your life to the fullest.

My mom worked from when she got out of high school. She still works, 27 years later. I think she would have liked to have been home with us more (she took two years off when my sister was born by never using any of her sick/vacation days). However, we never minded that she worked: I think my siblings and I assumed that was just the way that it was with our family.

Granted, to my mother's credit, she took the earliest shift possible so that she could be home when we were. After all full day of work, she'd make dinner and then drive us to whatever extracurricular activities that we had. 27 years later, she's still doing it. I know she'd like to take her early retirement, but she's determined to raise more money so that my siblings and I won't have to take out loans for university.

I appreciate it every single day.

As for my kids, I simply hope they have the choice. I realize my mom didn't.

The 'new' feminism is about being able to make that choice--not being 180 degrees from where we were 50-100 years ago.

Besides, I'm a burgeoning child psychologist, so I can TELL you--that lawyer--if she's not spending time with her kids, well, there's some adverse outcomes and attachment issues I'd like to discuss with her, lemme tell you.

Wow. I totally rushed to get a typekey account and get this in before you closed comments. In so many ways, I imagine I am unlike your usual fans. I am so THRILLED TO ACTUALLY BE COMMENTING HERE!!!!

What did my mother do?
Have 7 kids in 10 years with a man that was never around. (He was the typical traveling salesman, fucking around, etc.) She was completely and utterly driven by her take on the Catholic religion. She screamed, she smoked, she ranted, she beat us with coat hangers, she was anorexic, and she pounded guilt into us. She cried, she was bitter, she was RELIGIOUS.

Did my mother stay at home?
Yes, and I'm sure it quite literally drove her crazy, but she felt it was her DUTY.

Did she work?
She worked her skinny ass off. But with a lot of moaning and bitching and shit, it was a drag of a childhood.

And how do I feel about what she did?
I felt guilty and incompetent and responsible. (I was the oldest girl, babysitting, changing diapers and washing dishes at the age of 4) I was also used as her confident at an age when I had no concept of how to help... WHAT an unfair load! I did not feel loved, there was no time for that.

If you could change anything about what she did what would that be?
Smoke less, eat more, ask for help from her family, QUIT POPPING OUT BABIES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, for Christ's sake!!! Try to enjoy life a little. A job outside the house??? That would have made a WORLD of difference to everyone involved.

As for myself, I was a stay at home mom while my kids were little and an awesome one at that, but I became hideously bored and got a degree and went to work when I was 44. My youngest and only daughter is now 16, and I hope she does get an education and a taste for working before making the choice of staying home. I personally wish I had felt that I could have worked when my kids were tiny, but I was following in my mother's martyr footsteps and sacrificing my soul; I am happier now working, and I have a bitchen' job. Frankly, my kids are totally proud of me and love me. I still bake them cookies. :)

My mom is currently dying of lung cancer, and may god strike me down, but the bitch just wasted her life on being duty bound and fucking religious and what a waste. 56 years of smoking and she says it was her only pleasure in life. She finally gets to die and be with her beloved Savior.

What a rant. I wonder if this will be one of those posts you delete. If so, Hey, Heather, I just wanna let you know I really like your blog, I read it every day. Best of luck to you.

I come from a wee and windy Outer Hebridonian island in Scotland. My mum worked part-time and my granny, who also worked for a newspaper, looked after me. To be honest, there was more stability when my granny looked after us because my mother was bipolar. As am I, but medication is better these days.

I have 2 college degrees and 3-year old twin girls who I stay at home to look after. This is my choice and I'm lucky enough to have it. But it's not easy to explain to people - particularly women, oddly - how, in choosing that, I AM exercising the freedom given to me by the feminist groundbreakers. I feel free. I feel fine. Now if only other people could stop pitying me, things would be groovy.

My release for whatever it is that makes stay-at-home
mothers climb the walls/curtains/into a bottle of gin
while howling at the moon at midday, is to blog. So far, it's been fun and I've even made some e-friends out of it. And they're grown-ups and everything! But, you know, I'm not, like, addicted to it or anything. I could give it up tomorrow, if I wanted. Just. One. More. Hit.

For me blogging is to Gen X. stay-at-home mums what Valium was to 50's housewives. I love to be with my girls, who were hard won via IVF, but we all need a little something.

My mother is someone who I have always adored and emulated in every way, and I can say that to me, she is the most wonderful example of what a mother/woman/human being should be. When I think back on all that she and my father went through in order to help give their three daughters a wonderful life, it truly makes me wonder how I can ever complain about the little things! My mother got married at 20, had her first child at 22 and had me by the time she was 29. Having three kids under the age of 7 was tough, especially since she was attending college and taking care of the kids full time while my father worked two jobs. To tell you the truth, when I think back to my earliest memories of my mother, I cannot say that I ever realized that she always had a job outside of the home of some nature. All I remember is how happy I was when she would get home from work (which she did at least part-time from when I was 3, after she graduated college.) She was always there to wipe our tears, to make us laugh, or to play with us, so I can't say I ever thought twice of her going off to work. But the joy we felt when we heard her car come into the driveway, was joy like none other. Joy I have not experienced since then.

My mother went to college with three children in tow not because she wanted to become rich, or become famous or become a millionaire scholar - she went to college because she wanted to foster her own intellectual growth and to fulfill her dreams of getting an art degree and studying philosophy. From a young age, she taught me how to draw and about Socrates - what could possibly have any more of an impact than a young mother showing her child how to watercolor and instructing her on the mysteries of the universe? To me, that is the epitome of the best job on earth. And whatever part-time job she had was a way for her to get spending money to buy herself a massage once in a while, or to take her kids out to get some McDonalds. To her, that was satisfaction. And it created memories for me that I am replicating today for my child.

I hope that if I ever have a daughter that she will follow her dreams - and whether that be to be a rocket scientist, a ballerina, an artist, a mother, or all of the above, I hope she reaches for those goals and tries her best to achieve them in whatever way fits her best. I could only dream that my daughter could be half as wonderful a human being as my mother. Or as wonderful a human being as you, Heather! Definitely give the finger to all those naysayers out there who have nothing better to do than to put you down for following your dreams. They are just jealous that they haven't reached their dreams - or never noticed them in the first place.

Thanks Heather, for the past year of laughter and, sometimes, tears that you have brought to my life! You are a great person, mother, and human being!!!

ok i doubt anyone will make it this far down the comments and i didn't read them so someone probably already brought this up, but here are my two cents:
1. i couldn't agree more about the whole point of feminism being the ability to make choices and not just trading one obligatory position in society for another.
2. i have one and a half degrees from ivy league and other top institutions and would like nothing more in my professional life than to be a stay at home.
3. my mother and most of my family was absolutely appalled when i told them this, and i'm still pretty sure they think i'm kidding or totally deluded. my mother insists i'll be bored to tears.
4. my mother was a teacher and was always stressed out, at work, or at meetings so i spent most of my childhood being shuttled from daycare, to friends' houses, and to sports or other lessons.
5. i'd like my daughter to be able to make the best choice for herself.

however, all this being said, i still have serious reservations about my desire to stay at home and that is money and power. there is a very important distinction between you and most stay at home moms is that is that you are not financially dependent on anyone else. while obviously a marriage should be a partnershi, the role of financial independence for personal autonomy, freedom, and balance of power in a marriage cannot be overstated.

My mom was a preacher's wife who got married at age 19 and had 6 kids in 13 years. When the youngest went to first grade, she went to nursing school. She ended up having a second career. As for me, at age 36, I think that was pretty cool to be a SAHM and then get to do what you've always wanted to do outside of the home.

Oddly enough, even after hating her for years, I have followed her lead... in reverse! I got married after college, had 2 kiddos at age 24 and 26 and WENT TO WORK. I sacrified to build my career and ended up with a great career in computers, but divorced and not very close with my kids. While I was a single mom with a 7 and 5 year old, I had to learn how to be the mom, the cleaning lady, and the cook. It was pretty overwhelming at first.

Now, I've found myself remarried (he's so awesome) and with a 15 month old baby boy. I tele-commute every day and LOVE my job!! I have a nanny come to the house 3 days a week (honestly, just as cheap as day care without the germs... and I sent 2 to day care) and split the other two days between work and the kids. Tele-communiting also enables me to pick up the older two everyday from school, take them to piano lessons, the dentist, whatever.

I sacrificed a lot, but if you think about what you want and what's best, you find it. My mom did, I did. Congratulations on 'finding it', Elmo-Heather! :-)

My mother did a little of both. She stayed at home with me until I was five and then decided to start working again. She felt it was the best decision and I honestly think it was. I have a very strong bond with my mother and I think that it started very early in life. She's one of my best friends and I love that. I honestly don't know many people my age [19] that have such a good relationship with their mothers. She works a lot now and I don't get to see her much but I know that she is still around whenever I need her. I agree that exercising your choice to stay home is one of the most feminist things you could do.

When/if I have a daughter I hope she does what makes her happy. I hope she finds something positive to do with her life that will benefit her and those around her. I would love nothing more than to see her succeed. I will try to help her as much as possible without being overbearing. I'd also want her to know that no matter what, I was there for her and she has my full support.

Heather I want to thank you for writing. I truly enjoy this website and everything you write. It really is an inspiration. Good luck with everything in your life. You deserve the best.

I reluctantly went back to work last fall. I have twin daughters who just turned two, and I miss them desperately while we are apart. My Mum stayed home with us until my youngest brother went to school and I wish that I could have had that same opportunity. My husband's mother worked, and I really think that difference affected our perspective on this issue. He could not understand my angst over returning to work and I couldn't understand why he wasn't over the moon to have me stay home with our girls. In the end money made our decision for us, and so I hope for my daughters a future with enough security to stay home or work as they choose. In some cases the right to work outside the home has not afforded more choice, but simply added another role which must also be fufilled. Do I sound a little bitter?

Loooove the site so couldn't resist the opportunity to comment. If nothing else, it makes me happy to read how many other dooce addicts there are out there.

My mom stayed home with 4 kids but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have been capable of holding down a job.
She might have had a fighting chance if they had stopped at 2 kids but by the time #4 came around she had withdrawn into her own insecurities and disappointments.

As for me, I quit my job to stay home with my son but had to go back to work when my ex had a change of heart about the whole marriage thing. After 3 years of being a working mom though, I can honestly say that it has allowed me to grow in a way that I am not sure I would have had I stayed home. I certainly manage my time better and am not nearly as obsessive about every cough, tantrum or habit as I might have been. That doesn't mean my heart doesn't break when my son begs to stay home with me but I think I understand the benefits to my self-esteem and perspective in a way I wouldn't have if I hadn't experienced it for myself. And let's be honest, I'm pretty lazy and it's a lot easier to explain the messy house when I am gone all day at work!

If things were different and I had the choice? I'd have to think long and hard. I think I would still want to work in some capacity. Working from home sounds pretty ideal. I definitely think the decision is a choice that depends on the person and the circumstances. Good moms are healthy moms and we all get healthy in different ways.

-sidebar: have you seen the cronic constipation commercial where they write "I am constipated" on someone's stomach? "Zelnorm: Relief can start by asking" Made me think of you...

Anyway, in case comments are a one-time deal and I don't get to say it again - thanks for the laughs, pictures and insight. They're a haven in the massiveness of the world wide web.

My mother stayed at home until I was about 4 and my brother 3. Then she worked full time. We went to a babysitter's house after school until I was in the 5th grade and then were allowed to come straight home from school. I remember being so jealous of my friend down the street, whose mom was a stay at home mom. I so wished my mom could be home with us and on the rare days off she had for holidays or vacation, I was beside myself with excitement.

It certainly made me a responsible kid. I was always pretty mature so it was ok, but I wonder how I would have been different if I wasn't forced into such responsibility so young. It also scares the hell out of me to think of the trouble we could have gotten into, did get into, and were very very close to getting into.

My husband and I decided that I needed to be home with our kids. Three years ago I left my full time job and began freelancing. Our daughter came last August, and I couldn't be happier that I am at home with her. It is nice that I can still do what I love and make money, but my number one job now is my baby. I wouldn't have it any other way, and we've purposely designed our lives to make it happen. The time has already come that I've had to turn down jobs because it would be too much for me to take on right now and not have it take its toll. It's a wonderfully empowering feeling to be able to make that decision.

I'm admittedly fairly closed-minded about this subject. I just cannot understand making the choice to have a child and then letting someone else raise it. I think a kid needs a parent around most of the time. I know how much I longed for that.

Even though she was not a SAHM, my mom was very involved and a great mom. Our relationship has always been close and I adore her. She always told us that she was trying hard to be a better mother than she had (and oh she was so much better), but that she wanted us to do better than her. My mom married my dad straight out of high school and did not go to college, but she went on to be one of the top executives of a major corporaion. They even sent her to get her MBA so she could climb the ladder further. I am very proud of her and her accomplishments and all that she taught me.

I hope I'm modeling for my daughter what I want for her. I want her to get an education, to travel, to live on her own and not get tied down to anything too soon. And then if she chooses to have a family I really hope she makes that her number one job.

My mom stayed at home until us kids (3, me being the eldest) were old enough to be alone in the house without killing each other before she got back from work. (I've also never referred to myself as a latchkey kid, either.)

I loved having her at home -- our elementary school was a stone's throw from our house, and she'd volunteer during her down-time so we saw her during the day. Sometimes she'd also just walk over and eat lunch with us. Having her at home to greet us and ask us how our day went was also great, of course.

When she went back to work, part-time at first then progressing to full-time as we grew still older, I remember there being more family agitation in general. This can be attributed to other issues that arose (typical of having 3 teenagers in the house!), but I think that if Mom were home during the day more things would've been calmer. We didn't need the extra money to survive, but it was certainly nice to have vacations every year, and nice things under the Christmas tree.

I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do when I have a child and need to work as well (I'm 25 right now, and children aren't exactly in my near future!). But I do know that the right choice will come to me when it needs to be made.

My mom worked. So did my dad. He was a firefighter and she was an ER nurse. Her hours were ever changing, and many times we had to be careful to not wake her up because she had a night shift coming up. My dad's schedule allowed him to be home more often, but since money was tight, he used most of his days off to pull in extra cash by drywalling and doing electric for some of his contractor buddies.

Anyway, I always wished that my mom could be our 'room mother' and participate in school events like 'all the other moms' did. Eventually my mom moved up in the chain of command, making more money which allowed my dad to be at home for those days off. It was great for the family to have him there.

Flash forward to the present, my mom's now a vice president in the health care company that she's been with for almost 30 years. She makes fantastic money but doesn't come home until 11pm some nights. I'm midway through med school and due to several circumstances (health issues for my dad, my own depression) I've decided to take time off.

I don't know if I'll ever go back. I don't have the drive to keep this pace up for much longer. I've always felt the pressure to live up to my mom, to not struggle like she did while we were growing up. (She finished her bachelors when I was 10, and her masters when I was 16, all while raising 4 kids and working full time at the hospital.) She's always been my role model, but I wish I had more face time with her when I was younger.

My Mother was a stay at home mom until all four of us children were in school. Honestly I am thankful she was at home. Granted I was also happy when I was older she was working. That simply meant we really had the summers off.
As for myself, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Unfortunately when my husband and I had our son we didn't have the choice for one of us to stay home. I really struggled with this along with all of the other depression that accompanied the birth of my child. However last year I finally had the opportunity to stay at home. Everything in life is a trade off. My husband left for Iraq and we were able to afford for me to stay home. As much as I have loved being at home with my four year old, I would have rather had my cake and eaten it too. I know being at home for him is the right choice for us and I wouldn't trade a second of the past year with him and all the moments we've had to share, good and bad. And in the same moment I can say I wish the last year never would have happened. How screwed up am I?
As for my child even though he is a boy I want him to be well rounded, secure, loved, strong, happy and able to succeed in life at whatever dreams he may have. Overall happiness in his future is what I want for him the most.

My mother was a SAHM when I was a child but took a job when I was in high school. She never had a "career" but pursued jobs that made her money. I loved it and know that I am very spoiled. She made a SACRIFICE to stay at home (because she wanted to) but I am fully aware she excercised her right to be a mother instead of one of the millions of things that she could have done.

I'm in law school and I wonder how I am doing to balance a career and children. I desperately want them but I agree with previous posters that it's a shame to have kids and then fail as a parent. I want my daughters to feel loved and secure.

(if you ever make it all the way down to my comment.)
My mom worked when she had to, which wasnt until I was about 12. Unfortunately that put a lot of responsibility on me (the oldest of a medium sized mormon family) She did what she had to do. It only payed the bills, nothing more, I respect that she did it, though I resented being in that position. Since I was so young, I didn't have the tools or authority to take care of things the way a parent can...so frustrating...a TON of fights with my sisters.
I hope my daughters are just happy. If they have children, I would love for them to find a way to stay home with them if they want to.
btw, I enjoy your honesty most of all (despite our religious differences ;)

would also like to draw your attention to this blog post - http://youthcurry.blogspot.com/2006/02/power-women.html

My mom stayed home with my brother and I until the pressure and guilt of not bringing in an "equal" income drove her to go back to school, get another degree in something she was less than passionate about, and teach public school.

She was (is!) a wonderful and creative mother but neither situation, staying at home or working, was ideal. I love and admire her for taking the risk of trying both roles, and the fact that she did start working saved us when my father got laid off.

If I could change one thing about how it all went down, I'd give her permission to seek out something that gave her pleasure when she was looking for work, even if it didn't pay as much.

As for my daughters, if I'm lucky enough to have some, I hope they develop their passions and start out working before they get married and have kids so they have confidence in their ability to earn a living and so that it's always an option if they need it. It's what my mom pushed me to do and I'm infinitely grateful.

That said, I also hope my daughters will develop strength and dexterity in their middle fingers to cheerfully and emphatically defend whatever decisions they happen to be making at the time, even if those fingers sometimes wave at me.

I'm struggling with these questions myself and I'm glad you posted about it.

My mom stayed home with me. My mother-in-law stayed home with my her daughter. My wife is pregnant with our first child and is due in April. She still wants to somehow contribute financially but you just can't put a price on raising your child(ren) yourself.

I wouldn't change a thing.

As for our child, we have a 50% chance of it being a girl. We're waiting until the day to find out the sex. When she grows up I want her to do what makes her happy and what makes people laugh. I want her to dress herself at age 5 and I will walk proudly behind her as she traipses through the grocery store while wearing little cowboy boots, a pink skirt and a toddler-sized t-shirt that reads "Algebraists do it by Symbolic Manipulation" backwards.

First and foremost, thank you for this website. You are a great writer and very honest about your life.
My mom and dad both worked; for most of my life, my mother was the main "breadwinner" (as far as the percentage of income is concerned).
From what she has told me, and what I remember, I had a wonderful childhood. I have very clear memories of my mother taking me to preschool, and picking me up again. She has told me that, for the first 6 months of my life, she would leave work and drive to the babysitter's to nurse me.
I was fortunate to live 3 blocks from my paternal grandparents. They moved, to be close to me, when I was a year old. They were my second parents and nourished me mentally and physically. I believe that having my mother work was the right thing, and monetarily necessary for her. I don't know if my mom would have been a good SAHM, actually. I'm not sure if I can put my finger on why, exactly, but I am a lot like her and I know that, me...alone...all week...with my daughter would not work for me, mentally. But don't get me wrong, with more money coming in, I'd stay home in a heartbeat.
Right now I'm in school to become a teacher, and my husband is a teacher already. I believe that the lifestyle we can create through our careers in education will be good for our family. Which brings me to what I think my mother could have done differently. My mother worked from the age of 15 until she was 65. She never finished college because she supported my father while he went to graduate school. Even though she had to keep up with technology and keep her mind active throughout her career, I think that she would have felt much more confident as a person, not just as a woman, if she had finished her BA. Both of my parents feel like they could be having a "better" retirement if they had gone down different paths.
Both my mother and I have struggled with depression. My mother had problems getting pregnant in a time when they didn't know that much about infertility (the late 60's and early 70's). When I was finally born, in February 1975, they realized that it wasn't just my mother's fault. My parents spent almost 15 years trying to conceive and I feel that this affected her deeply.
As to your question about what I want to tell my daughter...there are so many things. I actually started my blog for her. I want to be able to look back and have her see how much I admire her. It's not all fun and games, but mostly I try to write about her in a positive light. I want to tell her that she can do or be anything (except a Republican...or a Conservative Christian, anything else is okay) in her life. I want her to know that, even if her high school friends went and graduated from Harvard Law School while she was smoking pot and sleeping with women, that's okay. I will believe in her possibilities long after I'm rocking her to sleep and watching her golden curls shine in the moonlight. I am understanding, now, why people say "it goes so fast".
Because my daughter has had some mild health issues, and didn't start walking until 20 months, we have faced an onslaught of questioning and criticism. I do not want to pass that onto my daughter.
Finally, every day is a good day (even if it seems to suck right now).
I'm sure you'll have 5000 posts to wade through and mostly I've written this for myself, but thanks for the opportunity!

My mother was never a SAHM. She was a housewife. When she went back to work, it was only after my youngest sister was in school and only because a second income was required to put us all through college and to get braces for our teeth. I don't believe my mother really wanted to be anything else except a housewife. She didn't choose this. It was chosen for her. Having said that, I don't think she would have chosen any thing else. Her life was the laundry and the floors and cooking. It wasn't taking us to the zoo or reading aloud.
My mother did not go to college, so I knew that a degree (even though I would have gotten one anyway) was how I could escape the life she had. I never wanted to live the way my mother did. She worked hard, but she lost sight of who she wanted to be...assuming she had somehow planned out what she wanted. I don't think she did.

My mother taught me (without words) by example of "what not to do". She did not purposely use her life as a way to teach us. I truly believe she thought that a college degree was an end in itself, rather than the end to a means. I don't have daughters. I have sons and, except for the women the gravitate towards and the lives they forge with them, I don't have to worry that they'll be a nameles/faceless woman at home. Even if they stay at home with their children, society will laud them as heroes. Where's the lesson in that?

There's no way I can read through all the comments to see if the others are supportive or not.

But still, here's my middle finger to anyone who tries to diminish the choice I've made to stay at home with my daughter. My family is fortunate enough we can make this choice, and it does come with sacrifice, like all the other hard decisions in life.

I'm college-educated with a hard-earned graduate degree, but nothing I've done is more challenging or more rewarding than being at-home with my daughter. I completely understand the reasons why many women choose to work: financial, intellectual, emotional.

Those are the same reasons I choose to be with my kid ALL THE NEVERENDING DAY LONG. I think by now everyone should understand that PARENTS should be able to choose how to balance their work/home dynamic. Instead of having their decisions belittled, SAHMs and SAHDs need real support on the deleterious effects being away from the work force affects future employability. It's not like we took a break from working, we just took a break from getting paid.

Ah, but more importantly, congratulations on the 5th anniversary of a very influential blog!

The other weekend my parents and I had an interesting conversation about this very thing. I had mentioned that someone in one of my roommate's classes had sayed that she aspires to be a housewife. It honestly bothered me that she would pay that much to learn and to not use it. And I told my parents this.

My mother was a stay at home mom and I am very grateful for this. I have huge respect for her and what she did. My mother also went to college. My comment about paying to learn then not using it in a profession put her down. That was the last thing I wanted. Then my father said that if you value education solely so you can make money that is fine, but you can value education for more than that. And because my mother was educated, she was able to educate my brother and me, able to help us with our homework and so on. When I was in the second grade, my mother completed her second bachelor's degree in horticulture. Because she wanted to have it. I respect her even more for that. I think too often education is seen as only a means to money, when it is more than that.

Is that cheesy?

Happy fifth anniversary. I love your blog!

Both of my parents were public high school teachers. I was born at the beginning of summer, so Mom didn't have to take much time off to care for me during my first months. It was my dad, and not my mom, who eventually took a year off from work when my sister was born. (That was 1978, and he very much enjoyed, I think, the attention he received from the moms at my preschool.) When Mom and Dad weren't taking care of us, Grandma or another family member was. I was raised near my extended family, with four generations of us living on the same block. It made for a wonderful, well-supported childhood.

Since they were teachers, Mom and Dad had the summers off, and we all enjoyed the time we spent together at home and travelling during the summers (mostly camping around the American West and trips to wine country). When I was in elementary school, they came home around 3 in the afternoon on weekdays. It was nice to have them at home so much, and I was (and still am) very attached to both of them--so much so that I had to be bribed to go on Girl Scout outings without them even when I was in fifth grade.

I don't think my mom ever wished to stay home with us. She's pretty tightly wound and I don't think it would have worked well to have her as a SAHM. My father would have been a terrific SAHD, but we needed the income from his job.

I have a sixth-month-old son. I'm finishing up my Ph.D. and I'm only teaching one course, so I spend a lot of time at home with him at my side or on my lap as I work on my dissertation. I can't imagine working full-time during his first year, and part of me dreads having to find a full-time job when I graduate. (My hope is to find a teaching job that allows me to spend some time during the day at home with him.) We're fortunate in that my husband works from home, so our son won't be headed to daycare anytime soon. (The prospect of daycare frightens me, but I think I'll be really into preschool.)

I hope my son grows up healthy and happy. I want to encourage him to be a feminist, or at least a thoughtful advocate for social justice.

I was raised by a SAHM and a dad who worked very hard to make that happen. They made a decision as a team and stuck to it as a team. Mom was with us at school, at home, at sports, at lessons....she was tireless. She went back to work when I was 14 and my youngest sibling was finally in school full time. Now she manages international student services for multiple community colleges. Guess what that makes her? That's right, a paid mom. She loves it.
I'm currently pregnant with my first child (a daughter). My husband and I made the decision that I would stay at home. When having a child became a reality I was convinced that paying someone else to raise my child wasn't an option.
I want my daughter to know that she is deserving of education and a profession should she choose. At the same time, no one should deny or minimize her choice to engage, raise, and shape her legacy.

My mother was a single working mom in the late 60s early 70s. At times she worked over an hour away from where I went to school. As a mom now I appreciate how hard that must have been for her. But as a kid, I never questioned her need to work. I never even felt the stigma of the times of that. Its just the way it was. But I was very much impressed by the 'its just her and I against the world' feeling. I was and am extremely close to my mother.

When I became a mother, I didn't have any desire to stay home full time with my infant. I went back to work when she was 12 weeks old. Very unpopular choice is how I felt at the time, event though in my corner of southern california I didn't know any stay at home moms in the 90s. But I knew myself. I anticipated depression at being isolated at home with an infant/toddler. I had enough experience to know that without the external motivation of having to clock in at an office, I would spend my days in my pajamas watching tv while attending to my daughter distractedly. I was not one of the moms who would have the initiative to get out to the park every day, or make field trips, or connect to play groups.

Now that my daughter is six and in school, I want something completely different. Maybe it is because she is older and able to interact more. Maybe I am at a different place in my career, not needing to prove as much anymore. Maybe it is because I know live in the east in a part of the country where stay at home moms are common, connected, and valued. I really don't know. But now, my husband and I put a great deal of effort into not using extended day care, rotating our schedules so I can be home in the afternoons when she is. It makes life a bit more chaotic trying to balance it all. I fantasize about what it would be like to be able to get her off to school in the morning myself, make her breakfast myself, volunteer in her classroom, get things I want to get done during the day when she is at school so when I meet the school bus I don't have to drag her on errands. So that I can read more books to her, or play on the playground. So that the cost of being with her wouldn't be that we can't both be with her at the same time (we work opposite work schedules).

But while we are able to give her a childhood very different than either I or hubby (also raised by a single working mother) had - more experiences like dance classes and snowboarding lessons, and weekend trips, and our financial resources are greater than either of our parents were raising us - we never planned or prepared to live on one income. We could cut out the extras now, but not the basics that exceed one of our incomes - housing, cars, student loans etc. Sure in seven or eight years - we could probably have debt reduced enough to live on one income. But then elementary school is over.

If I regret anything, its just this; that I didn't keep my options open. That I was so sure of my choice that I made financial decisions that locked me into it. I wish I had always seen it as a choice, one that I could make and change at any point - not one that defined who I was forever. Maybe if I had seen it that way, I would have made decisions to keep the option open. Maybe. Or maybe I still would have made the decisions I did. I don't know.

On a personal note Heather, I love your blog. I only started reading you in the last two years. So I don't know the soap opera, pre-John, pre-Leta Heather. I am sure you were just as funny. I have loved reading some of the strings in your archives. I think it is awesome that your writing is skilled enough and that you have a fan base large enough that your advertising sponsors can support your family. How is that much different than any other form of published writing. Its great.

This post is particularly meaningful. It would be great if our generation of women could get across to the one before us that we are greatful for the strides they made, but that doesn't give them the right to tell us their way is the only way, anymore than it was right for them to be kept financially subservient. (I was blown away when my mom told me that the bank would not count her income in a home loan in 1966 because she was of child bearing age).

Anyway - thanks for your point of view, as well as your witty take on daily life and parenting.

The third part of your question, what do I want for my daughter? I hope she finds a passion she can turn into work. She has interests in weather and space, so I plant seeds about being a scientist. She loves ballet, so I encourage her thinking of herself as an artist. I think it would be wonderful if she is financially successful in a career in a field. But my real hope is that she finds a passion connected to a career. For when your work is related to who you are, from your inner creativity, then it can morph over your lifetime in how and when it is applied for financial gain and/or personal stimulation.

my mom worked her butt off at a job i don' t think she really loved, but she has never complained about it. she likes being super-busy, so i think the rushing-- commute, work, home, repeat-- was actually a subconscious perk for her. even now, as a retiree, she still boots it all over the city on a daily basis.

my brother and i had a string of nannies, and my mom (a type-A who got a scholarship to college in america from the caribbean) always made it a point of pride that she hired college-educated nannies and paid them minimum wage (well above the norm in the late 70s-early 80s, when under-the-table illegal immegrants were the norm). our nannies were great-- every day they updated binders cataloguing our first words, which we've kept to this day. one had a policy of calling me "clever girl" when i was being good, so i'd learn to equate my self-worth with intelligence, rather than passivity or cuteness. good idea, eh? they were wonderful nannies and i remember them fondly (if blurrily; i was 2).

but here's the sort of sad thing: my first word was my nanny's name. not momma, not daddy. that had to sting my parents, but they never complained about it. they had no choice; my dad's income alone wasn't enough to support the family and the mortgage, so while it hurt her that my nanny witnessed milestones that she missed, i think my mom did what any strong woman does- shoulder the guilt and do what you gotta do.

i'm a single, irresponsible 20something, a freelance writer, film/tv director, sometimes actress, and so my time is free-n-flexible or insanely-busy in fits and starts, and mostly i have some control of my sched.

when i have kids, i'll sometimes be a SAHM who procrastinates from home, and sometimes be a busy careerwoman barking into a celphone and leaving the day-to-day details to the husband or a nanny. this to me seems ideal: i expect to be excited by the timeperiods when i can stay homeand enjoy the kid all day, and refreshed for the insane weeks on-set; and then the work will be fun and exhausting and after a few weeks of adults, i'll be dying to eat applesauce and play with lego again. i want both words, and i think (knock wood) i will be able to make both worlds work.

i have shitloads of respect for you, heather, and for jon, for going after the life you want for yourselves. it's clearly a choice you've made; from the looks of things, it's an ideal choice for you, and i'm happy and admiring that you've managed to make it work so well. may we all be so lucky, and thank you for the daily entertainment. until i get my own biology sorted, leta is my babysurrogate, and seeing daily photos of her in ridiculous shoes regulates the screeching of my ovaries to the times i SAY they can screech.

my mom worked her butt off at a job i don' t think she really loved, but she has never complained about it. she likes being super-busy, so i think the rushing-- commute, work, home, repeat-- was actually a subconscious perk for her. even now, as a retiree, she still boots it all over the city on a daily basis.

my brother and i had a string of nannies, and my mom (a type-A who got a scholarship to college in america from the caribbean) always made it a point of pride that she hired college-educated nannies and paid them minimum wage (well above the norm in the late 70s-early 80s, when under-the-table illegal immegrants were the norm). our nannies were great-- every day they updated binders cataloguing our first words, which we've kept to this day. one had a policy of calling me "clever girl" when i was being good, so i'd learn to equate my self-worth with intelligence, rather than passivity or cuteness. good idea, eh? they were wonderful nannies and i remember them fondly (if blurrily; i was 2).

but here's the sort of sad thing: my first word was my nanny's name. not momma, not daddy. that had to sting my parents, but they never complained about it. they had no choice; my dad's income alone wasn't enough to support the family and the mortgage, so while it hurt her that my nanny witnessed milestones that she missed, i think my mom did what any strong woman does- shoulder the guilt and do what you gotta do.

i'm a single, irresponsible 20something, a freelance writer, film/tv director, sometimes actress, and so my time is free-n-flexible or insanely-busy in fits and starts, and mostly i have some control of my sched.

when i have kids, i'll sometimes be a SAHM who procrastinates from home, and sometimes be a busy careerwoman barking into a celphone and leaving the day-to-day details to the husband or a nanny. this to me seems ideal: i expect to be excited by the timeperiods when i can stay homeand enjoy the kid all day, and refreshed for the insane weeks on-set; and then the work will be fun and exhausting and after a few weeks of adults, i'll be dying to eat applesauce and play with lego again. i want both words, and i think (knock wood) i will be able to make both worlds work.

i have shitloads of respect for you, heather, and for jon, for going after the life you want for yourselves. it's clearly a choice you've made; from the looks of things, it's an ideal choice for you, and i'm happy and admiring that you've managed to make it work so well. may we all be so lucky, and thank you for the daily entertainment. until i get my own biology sorted, leta is my babysurrogate, and seeing daily photos of her in ridiculous shoes regulates the screeching of my ovaries to the times i SAY they can screech.

Man... do I feel like a drop in a bucket in here!
Soo many replies!

I have a big stupid degree, a home business, a home husband, and a fulltime home baby too!

I get some grief from the family as to why I'm not out conquering the corporate world and making more money doing other things...

My reply is much the same about being about to be with my daughter too. I may not be a millionaire, but I'll take this life over sitting beind some desk in an office building anyday!

BTW...
Been reading here since Leta was 3 months old, and mine was just 3 months in the oven... Thank you for all the laughs over the past (almost) 2 years!

My mother was technically a SAHM but I was in daycare all the time or had a sitter until I was 12. She just didn't want to work nor spend time with me (and I was an only child). I am a SAHM and spend every waking moment with my children. We have a 3yr old and 1yr old and a few months after each was born, I went to work in the evenings, part time at a grocery store. Low stress, high flexibility and my husband got one on one time with the kids. Now that we live w/ the inlaws temporarily (until the summer when we get our house) I stay home all the time and don't work. We are blessed that we can do that and I feel for the moms who can't afford to stay home with their kids. We knew before we got married that I would be a SAHM if we could afford it. I could get an awesome job (I've had some) but I choose to raise my child, not spend 2/3 of my paycheck for someone else (most likely a stranger) to do it for me.

p.s. we love you in Minneapolis!!

I forgot to mention that my mother has 3 degrees that she has never used, by choice. She's a professional student. I didn't qualify for student aid because colleges said my Navy dad made too much money. If they only knew it was all paying off 3 student loans. Sigh.