Wow, comments! Go figure.

My mother works as a daycare provider, so staying at home *was* working. Someday when I have daughters, I hope they grow up to do whatever they want. Hopefully not something soul-sucking.

My mom was a stay at home mom and although I didn't realize it then, it was great. My wife is extremely well educated (can you say 16 years!) and since we had our kids she has changed professions and now works part time so that she can be at home with our kids. This was her decision, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for it. She definitely has the harder job.

My mom was a stay at home mom, due to her Lupus and arthritis when I was in grade school. Being a kid, you don't understand that stuff, but looking back, I realize how comforting it was to have her ... or someone at home when I came home from school.

I hope that my daughter (if I ever get one) will do what she feels is right. Sorry to be non-committal on that, but it's how I feel.

Happy Fifth Anniversary of the blog. I discovered you through my sister and I am glad I did.

In answer to your question...my mom took six years off to raise my sister and I. When she went back to work, it was part time, then full time. It also helped that she was a teacher - in the same Catholic school we were attending. It was not until I was 11 years old (I am 27 now) that I was a real latchkey kid.

I liked having Mom home for those early years. And as I got older, it was great during the summer cause we had mom home all the time. :)

My parents are both educators and it afforded them to work and have a lot of time to be at home with us, so it was really a good combination. I felt like I had more time with my parents than most of my friends. We traveled a lot and did so much together as a family and I hope to provide the same for my daughter (who's only a day older than Leta! Hi Leta!).

I work a lot now but wish that I could be home with my daughter, but at least we can afford to have my husband home with her. He's a stay at home dad 100% of the time because I can make more money than him. :-)

I want my daughter to be able to do whatever she wants. I agree with your sentiment completely that circumstances prevent us from being able to have that choice most of the time.

What I want to know in comments is what did your mother do? My mother worked until the day I was born and then had 3 kids in a row. She didn't go back until the youngest was in Kindergarten. And she continued working as a school librarian for about 20 years. She just retired a couple years ago. It was awesome to have mom available to us. It was great over the summer to do things in and around town with all our cousins(since their parents worked). Sometimes I wished she opted for a law library with better pay and more prestige and something really cool to talk about. We had a very modest upbringing but I'm glad my parents made the sacrifices since we never were never home alone. My mom had some cool options and us three kids were the deciding factor.

If I had daughters, I think I would encourage them to do what their heart tells them and that choices always have both good and bad consequences. When that time comes for them I hope I can help them step through the possible consequences and the impact of their emotions and the family's well-being.

Thanks for sharing how you feel about the topic. My husband and I have been also debating this topic since we both had different upbringings.

My mom stayed at home & took care of us. I think that not having any socially recognized work outside the home ate away her self-esteem, made her prone to depression, left her isolated and relatively friendless, and, honestly, weakened her faith in herself to such an extent that really wasn't as capable as she should have been, even in terms of being a mother and a housekeeper. Our house was a mess (it was so bad that we couldn't have friends over), her moods were unpredictable and sometimes scary, there was never a sit-down meal of any kind, ever (and when I say "never" a sit-down meal, I'm including holidays), I went to school hungry and in dirty clothes (and my family was affluent), all because my mother had so little faith in herself she couldn't get organized to do simple domestic tasks.

I don't think that every mother should work outside the home. But for some mothers, the isolation and lack of social recognition that sometimes happens when they stay at home to raise kids can be soul-killing.

Heather,

Love your site. Congratulations on your choice of being a SAHM. All the controversy around this subject frustrates me -- women should just support each other in their life choices and not write books giving some women grief over the choice they made. I am a CPA and have a great career, but can't wait to give it all up to be a SAHM in a year or two.

My mom was a SAHM as well -- I felt that we were especially close as a family and had many other benefits because of it. My mom is one of my best friends. I think the only regret she had was that she didn't have a college degree or a career that she could go back to, at least part-time, once we were in school. She feels bad sometimes now that we're grown that she can't contribute the same way financially that my dad can.

My mother stayed home about a year after I was born, because my brother was only 11 months old when I arrived, so she had two non-walking kids in diapers. But after a year, she said she was just going batty. She needed a separate place to go everyday with a different structure or whatnot, I don't know. She's always worked as far as I could remember, and I don't recall ever resenting it or wishing she were around more. She was home after I got home from school. My family couldn't afford not to have both adults working.

I hope not to have kids, but I hope other people are able to do what they can and what is right for them. Ideally, we all would like the opportunity to truly be able to choose how we want to live, but the reality doesn't always allow that.

I really have no idea what I would do if I ended up spawning.

Hey Heather.... First off, welcome home. Looks like you guys had a blast.

My mom stayed home and raised five kids. When she eventually chose to go to work, the sneaky old bird got a job at the school we all attended so she could stay close to us (read: watch our every move and make sure we didn't commit any felonies). It was her choice and hers alone. It was of course, a different era and my dad made enough money to comfortably support us but she has insisted over and over that she would have made the same decision even if we were dirt poor. As a stay-at-home dad, I can tell you I feel the same way. My wife simply made more and had better health benefits than me so the choice was simple. With 3 years in the rear view, I wouldn't change a thing. We have made numerous sacrifices which I am sure you can relate to. We could have a lot more material things right now but watching my son grow on a daily basis is fair trade. I do, on occasion, burn a bra or two but it is wholly unrelated.

My mother was a stay at home mom mostly. That is to say, whenever my father's company went on strike, she was right out there, supporting all 5 of us - doing what had to be done. As soon as that strike was over, she was right back at home with us kids. Not because she had to, wasn't educated enough, or was lazy - but because she couldn't imagine a better use of her time than being there for us every waking moment. She was an inspiration to me, and now that I have my own child, I have done everything in my power to build a business that allows me to stay home.

Why should I miss a single moment in my daughter's life if I don't have to? They are only children once. No, I'm not lazy or under-educated either. I am a college graduate, and a single mother. I own my own business and it isn't making me millions, but it's enough.

It made me happy as a child to come home everyday knowing my mom was there with cookies waiting to ask me how my day went. There were times as a teen that I didn't take certain risks or get into trouble with my friends because I knew my mom always greeted me at the door and talked to me about how my friends were doing. It kept me on the straight and narrow.

For my daughter, when she gets to be my age, I only want her to be one thing - happy. And if happy means she is going to stay at home with 5 kids while her husband works 100 hours a week, then so be it.

Good for you Heather for doing what you are. You and Jon are doing what is best for YOUR family - don't try to let anyone tell you any different.

I have a master's degree in English and I'm a stay-at-home mom and freelance graphic designer. After the birth of my first child, I remained working, though I was able to go to part time. Last year I had my daughter and I made the decision to stay home with my kids after having her.

I've thought a lot about this very topic. Do I feel it's a waste of a good education to stay at home with my kids? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Do I feel like I have SO much to share with my kids, to educate them and let them have the influence of a mother who is not only intelligent but creative and fun and willing to spend time with them (rather than shuttle them off to be cared for by someone else)? Yes, of course.

My own mother worked pretty much my entire life; my brother and I were latch-key kids, and I hated it and always wished I'd had more time with my mom. I think it would have perhaps made me closer to her than I am today. (Not necessarily, but I like to think it might have helped.)

Happy 5th anniversary, Heather. You have inspired me more than you will ever know. Congratulations on finding your dream job.

My mom went to work and I don't think it bothered her. She was always able to get off when anything big was happening with either my brother or I. I don't think she would do it differently either. I mean if she could have stayed home I know she would have because she has never really liked her job. But she was always lucky enough to get off when it was needed. I also wouldn't have it anyother way. I love my mother, but I know now that she had to go to work and she loved me and that is why she went to work.

I home my daughter does whatever she thinks is best. As long as she loves her children the way my mom does me, I know things will be ok.

Hi Heather! My mom worked outside the home the entire time I was growing up. She either worked for other companies or for my dad's company. Then they divorced and she has worked as an AR accountant pretty much ever since.

Praise God my mom did not do the stay-at-home thing with me. I'm 39 and I guess it was on the new side to have a mom that worked completely fulltime. But I'd be much more neurotic if she'd been in my life more. If I hadn't had an escape from her. She might actually have succeeded in killing herself from the stress of being a mom more than she was.

I have made the choice, like you, to work at home to be a pseudo SAHM. I have an office that I can go to - I own my own company with a partner. He works in the office and I work at home. I have an MS in engineering. The difference between us is that I send my children away during the day. My son is in kindergarten and my daughter just turned 3. She goes to mothers day out at two different churches and a friend also keeps her two afternoons a week. If I had to be with my children more I'd lose it. I'm just not good at it.

But working at home gives me freedom to choose when I do have the emotional energy to be around them and not ruin them. I'm glad I have this option. I would not have had children had I thought I'd have to work 8-5 and have my kids in care from 7-6. I need the choice of when to be with them. BOY am I SPOILED!

Thank goodness for my degrees, for my employment, for my partner, for my husband, for my antidepressants, and for my children. and for dooce.

HI Heather -- My mom was a SAHM until my dad divorced her -- not her idea -- and then she went back to work as a school nurse. So, you can imagine, it was hard to figure out how to skip school when she had access to the absentee list... After I got over the stigma of their divorce (if only it had been, say, three or four years later, when EVERYONE's parents were getting divorced...) I actually liked her working. My sisters and I became very self-sufficient, and I think that has served me well in later years.

So, naturally, when it came time to figure out how to raise our kids, we did the only thing that made sense -- my husband stayed home full time. SAHD, or shit ass 'ho dick, to paraphrase your own site! It worked well for us, and my two kids -- now teens in high school -- say that they really liked having their dad at home. They have really close relationships with him, and with me, and with each other. It's pretty nice.

What do I hope for my kids? That they are blessed with choices, and that they feel empowered to make them. And, when they make the wrong ones, that they have the strength and courage to do it over.

That and, of course, that they worship me.

BTW, I think you're doing a wonderful job as a mom. I know it's hard -- but you're definitely going to make it, sister.

my mother had very little choice in the matter - she was terminally ill before I was ever born and didn't have the stamina for fulltime anything. When I was a child, things weren't too bad, in that she was very young and had an army of good friends and relatives to help her with me (her only child) before I joined all-day elementary school ranks... Thereafter, while I was at school, she was either at home resting, recouping from the morning routine with me, and trying to reserve her energy for when I would return home from school... or she was in the hospital and I stayed with friends or family, overnight. My father worked like a maniac to enable what had to be done - he carried us financially until she died in '87. My mother could never do more than PT work and what she could, it was from home, always. But if she had been healthy? If she could have worked FT? She would have chosen to stay home - she loved being available for me and my playmates.

My mom worked because she had to. I wish she had been able to stay home with me. She wishes she could have stayed home with me. I don't have kids yet, but I'm currently trying to work out a way to be home with them because I want to. I'm working on my master's degree right now. So, I suppose going along with Hirshman's line of thought, I'd just be wasting it? I think not.

My mom was a SAHM. I don't think I really thought about whether I liked it or didn't like it when I was a child because that was all I really knew. Most of the adult women I was close to as a child stayed at home with their kids so that was the norm to me. Looking back on it now, I am very grateful that my mom was always there when I needed her - only a phone call away. I hope that my daughter feels the same way.

What I want for my daughter is to do whatever it is that she wants most to do - to live her dream. And beyond that, to live in a world where people don't question a person's choices based solely on their gender.

Happy blogiversary Heather. :)

My mom is a smart, well-educated woman who made the choice to stay home with us even though she enjoyed her career as a teacher. She and my father made sacrifices in income so that she could do this and, to the best of my knowledge, neither of them regret it. My brother and I were lucky to come home to a parent after school, less lucky in that she spent a fair amount of that time concocting strange whole grain casseroles for dinner. I believe both my parents did an excellent job (aside from the sugar ban that had me filching twinkies from the unsuspecting). All my mistakes are my own.

My take on the subject as a whole is that a woman should be able to choose whatever will keep her happy and fulfilled, if she is lucky enough to have that choice. Choosing to go back to work doesn't mean you love your children any less, nor does staying at home mean you're telling Betty Friedan to suck it. I'm not a parent yet, but I imagine that if you are happy and fulfilled - doing whatever it is you need to achieve such a state - you will be creating a better home life for your children.

I personally hope to be able to stay home with my children (while doing creative projects on the side), and hope to encourage them to do whatever it is they damn well please, with a slight emphasis on world domination.

Congratulations on your fifth year of public stupidity!

My mom stayed at home during our "formative years," and then basically worked full time as a volunteer Super PTA mom, pushing at the state level for legislation to help education.

It didn't seem odd to me that she didn't have a paying job outside the home - I think it was a choice she made.

I'm working on my PhD, and I can forsee in the very near future that a conflict will arise. Will I stay at home when I have kids? Would that mean "wasting" my PhD? There are plenty of women in my department who are establised professors and researchers, who have had kids and still made a career for themselves...but I have a hard time imagining myself in that role. I'm not sure I have the proper mentality to be a "have it all" woman. I envy those that do, but I'm not entirely sure I could do it.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'll do. But whatever I chose to do, it will be MY decision. and I will NOT be pressured into making a decision that is wrong for me by ANYONE. and that's the best I can hope for any daughters I may have.

My mom returned to work immediately after my birth, but became a SAHM after my brother's birth 4 years later-- and then returned to work when he started school. I know, bitter much? Probably...

I am currently the single mom of 2 teenagers (15 and 13-in-3-weeks) and regret every day that I was not able to stay at home with them when they were younger. Unfortunately, due to the crappy choices I made in husbands, I had to work to support my family-- and I hate that my girls have paid the price.

Are they happy and well-adjusted? Yup, thank dog. Could they have been happier and better-adjusted as smaller folks? Absolutely.

Happy #5, Heather. Cherish every moment you have with Leta, Jon, and Chuck. Do it for all of us who live vicariously through dooce.com

Love and Peace.

My mom stayed at home before I started school, and although I don't have many specific memories of the time we spent together, I do remember it always being special. My older brother was already in school, so it really was just mom and me. The bond that was formed is more important than the specific memories anyways. With my little sister she only stayed home a year. While my sister missed out on that special mother daughter bonding time, she also got more of an opportunity to play with children her own age. My sister is still in high school (big age difference) so I think the jury is still out on how this has affected her.

I am an educated woman, and when I have children, I would love to stay home. I do not know if this would be possible because I make more money than my future husband, and since I have more education than him, this may always be the case. I know for sure that I will at least take a year long leave of absence from work. I will have a hard time putting my children in the hands of others. I want to raise my kids, not a babysitter. Only time will tell.

My mom stayed home with me until I was in second grade or so. Then she went to work cleaning motel rooms, because we needed the money. I think she was also ready to get out of the house at that point.

When I was in fifth grade, she tooke a part-time job at a craft shop owned by one of her friends. A year later, the friend talked her into taking painting classes. My mom had done some art when she was in high school, but never had much confidence in it, or the time to pursue it. Once she got into the classes, she ran with it. Within a few years, she was able to make her art her full-time job.

As a kid, I couldn't appreciate her decisions, or why she made them. It was just the way things were. In retrospect, I see how important each of these stages was. She was able to work outside the home when she needed to, be it for the money or fulfillment, and able to stay home when she needed. I'm grateful that I've had the same flexibility as a mostly-stay-at-home mom.

Hi Heather -

Congrats on five years and on being able to stay home with Leta. In the 50s women were proving to the world that they were capable of being in the workplace, and since the 70s, it's been like, "Ok, I've shown my worth, but now I'm going to follow my natural maternal instincts, and that's to raise my child myself." You're absolutely right - it's the highest form of fundamental feminism - making your OWN choice and not one placed on you by society.

How great for you that you can stay home AND work (therefore keeping your skills fresh). I tried this for the first two years of my son's life, and realized I was still robbing him... that was because I worked for someone else and not for myself. So, long, leisurely morning walks weren't an option for me if they went outside of the range of my cordless phone.

I left my job entirely two years ago, and haven't looked back. I still spend a lot of "freetime" volunteering for various organizations to keep my skills fresh and to network, and I don't think I'll have any problems reentering the workforce when I'm ready.

I agree that it's a crime when someone wants to stay home with their kids, and can't. However, I really think that, generally speaking, this is only true for single moms. I believe that any family willing to make serious sacrifices can have a stay-at-home.

In the 50s when all moms stayed home, it was financially feasible because people lived in smaller houses, didn't have cell phones, only had one car, if any, etc. People of today say "we HAVE to have two incomes", but two incomes are only necessary to pay for their current standard of living. My husband and I made some huge cuts to our standard of living to allow for me to stay home. (We don't travel twice a year anymore, I've become Queen of eBay, I don't have a cell phone, or *GASP* satellite TV!.... of course I do get someone to tape "Lost" for me every week.) It was just a matter of priority. There will be a time when TV, cell phones, travel, and a bigger house might take priority again, and that's when my kids will all be in school, and I'll feel more comfortable (and probably be well-ready) to return to work.
* * *
My mom stayed home with me when I was young - maybe until I was 9. She wasn't educated, so getting back into the workplace was and has been hard for her. I don't think she has any regrets, though.

As for what I hope my daughters would do... well... I have two and a half sons with a big fat chance of having any daughters. BUT, that aside, I would hope my daughters would follow their instincts. If their instincts told them to stay home, I'd hope they'd find a way to make that work. If their instincts told them to work, I think they would be better off there, and I would encourage it. I would encourage my sons with the same advice.

P.S. Happy Anniversary!

My mom stayed home with me and my younger siblings. When we entered highschool she worked part time as a dental assistant, getting home from work at the same time we got home from school. I appreciated her staying home. We could have had nicer things had she worked along with my dad, and at the time I may have wished that I had more, but looking back I'm proud and glad she did what she did. I stay at home with my four. It is rewarding and difficult. I would like for my girls to be well-educated and ambitious, but I want them to know the joy of each moment with their children.

My mom always worked because my dad was a compulsive gambler and there were four kids to support. So while dad worked two and three jobs at a time, very little of the money ever made it through the front door. So my mother not only worked at a job paying half of what my father made to support her kids, she partially, right or wrong, enabled my father to continue in his addiction. And I always wished someone had been home to hear how my day went.

The Linda Hirshman piece in the New Prospect drove me nuts, not because she focuses on elite women, but because she doesn't ever acknowledge that her analysis and "advice" are only relevant to elite women. I'm lucky enough to have the choice to work part time, and I don't think it undermines feminism. (at least not as long as my man comes home from work to cook me dinner every night.)

I hate that I'm supposed to choose between her and a "focus on the family" vision of life for women. No thanks.

Woo.. adding to the flood of comments. First of all, happy 5 year bloggaversary! I've only been reading for a year or so but (like many people have said) you were one of the first blogs I ever got hooked on, which inspired me to blog, albeit occasionally.

My mother never had many goals as far as education went. She struggled in school and then went on to becoming a "Beauty School Drop-Out" (Cue Grease.) When she got married, she worked random jobs just to bring in additional income, but then quit right after I was born. She has been a stay-at-home-mom ever since... even though I'm in college and my younger sister will be in high school next year. I am definitely not against SAHMoms and Dads but I think that my mom should try the work world again now that we're all grown up. (For one thing, it would help their financial situation, and she would also probably gain much needed self-confidence and assurity.)
When I first started reading feminist lit, I was one of those naive, sixteen-year-olds who thought all women were sacrificing their life by being homemakers, but I have since adapted (thankfully) to agree with your sentiments. Feminism is about making your own personal choices, and I respect that for everyone.

As for me, when I have kids I will probably take a couple years off or my now-fiance will, which ever works best. I just want to have as close of a relationship with my kid(s) as I can, and want to make their happiness my main goal.

My mom stayed at home until I was 12. And even though that was her choice to go back to work and better things followed that choice, I think I kind of resented not having her home anymore. Especially when she quit 6 years later and stayed home while my little brother finished high school.

I don't have kids but I know that when I do, I want to be able to stay home with them. I don't see it as wrong, or unfeminist to do so. How come men don't have this unbearable limitation put on them? Career woman sacrficing her children or cave woman sacrificing her freedom....

My mother was widowed when I was five years old. She was left with 90% of the mortgage paid off after the life insurance paid out, so she was forced to work. She managed to work part time between 9-3 whilst I was in school, but often when I was sick, I had to go to work with her - the finances didn't allow any other choice. At the time, I hated it - I wanted a mum who could stay home when I was sick.

She explained her choices to me when I was old enough to understand - how she had no choice but to work, if we wanted a roof over our heads and food in our mouths.

As an adult, I admire my mother. She took a difficult situation, did her damndest to keep her head above water, and succeeded. I'm proud of her for that. I may not have agreed with all her choices over the years, but I am proud of her for being a good mother. She was always, ALWAYS, there when I needed her, helped me when I wanted it, and taught me to be independent.

If I ever become a parent, I can only hope to be as successful a mother as my own mother was. We've disagreed, sure, but she's also someone I'm proud to have as my mother.

My mother was, initally, a stay-at-home mom. Later, she became a stay-at-home, work-at-home-as-a-babysitter mom. Years later, she went on to be a work-outside-the-home mom, a college-student mom, a stay-at-home mom (again), and a work-outside-the-home-using-her-recently-acquired-professional-degree mom. She raised six children.

How I felt about that as a child is as complex and mutltifaceted an emotion as any during our mom-and-minor-child relationship. I'm not sure I can pin it down to one or two sentences, but let me try. As a young child of the late 70s and early 80s, I didn't think about it...at least, not that I recall. When I was a teenager and my mother returned to school, I do remember suffering from bouts of resentment when I had to do what I considered more than my fair share of Mom's Work (cooking, cleaning, etc.) (It should be noted here that my step-father didn't contribute much to the completion of these tasks, as he was typically exhausted from his own full-plus-overtime factory job.)

Given the opportunity to change something about what she did, I'm not sure that I'd take the offerer up on it. I think--and I admit this is not precisely the answer to the question you asked--I would change the way she supported (and, honestly, failed to support) my sister and myself in our academic and career endeavors. It was with smacking hypocrisy that we were told our job was to be "a woman," to "be submissive," and to basically plant onself in a subservient role. She was willing to pay for our brothers' educations; she gave my sister and me lovely sets of dishes and told us our educations were not "affordable." I still sometimes wonder if she wasn't trying to reverse-psychologize us. (Yes, I know that's not a real word.)

I don't have a daughter; I'm not sure what I would want any hypothetical daughter to do. I acknowledge the great wisdom of the universe in sending me a male child. (Yes, I know that's not how genetics work. Nevermind.) Still, I expend plenty of worry over my son, who (if he is, as I suspect, heterosexual) I hope will grow up to couple with a woman who is fully aware of all of her choices and exercises them as she sees fit. Futher and perhaps more importantly, I hope he's the sort of man who will be supportive of whatever lifestyle-path she prefers to tread. (assuming said path doesn't lead t'wards the land of Illegal, Flagrantly Immoral, and/or Embarassingly Crappy Crap)

Hi Heather! I have been reading you for about a year now. Thanks for keepin me rollin and I LOVE the daily photo! Great job and congrats on all your famed success!

My mother worked. My family lived from paycheck to paycheck and never seemed to get ahead. I guess I would say if I could change anything I would change the fact that my mom was never really there. I spent a lot of time alone and they worked A LOT. Both parents were in the car business and my mom was an office manager for many years. It just seemed like an awful struggle.

In today's world it's a need to have both parents working. MOST people have to have double incomes just to pay the bills, let alone anything extra. I have been lucky enough to be able to be at home with my children from the day they were born. I value that time and think that my children have learned more about everything because I have/had the time to work with them. My 7 year old was counting to 10 before he was 2. ( no joke ) He was writing his name by 3, first and last! I worked with him every chance I got and he LOVES learning in school. My other 2 children are 2 and 1 and up until the last month I was home with them as well. I value that time and love how close I am with my children. Was it a struggle financially? Yes. Do I get hassled occassionally because I "didn't work"... yes. But it doesn't matter, because in the end my children love and respect me for everything I do for them.

On the other hand, I wish the very best for people and respect people greatly who work and take care of children. I know for me, my day starts at 5-6am and doesn't stop until 11pm at night. Between school and work.... I am dead crazy. I think you "just know" what is right for you......

Good luck with everything Heather.

Angelena

My mother went back to work when I was in about 2nd grade. This was in the early 60's...and she went to work because she wanted to, not because she had to. Who'da thunk my mother was cutting edge back then? I stayed at home when my kids were small, and went back to work when they were in 3rd and 5th grades. As a caveat, my husband works in the school corporation, so he was home with them after school and during summers.

Heather, I've been reading your website since the beginning. We'd guffaw at work about your writings about your job. So I guess I'm a long time reader, first time commenter. You've brought tears, laughter, and just a teensy bit of jealousy--you have an amazing talent for writing and photography.

Your stories bring back memories of my boys when they were small (they're 24 and 21 now). The time goes so fast.... Enjoy and cherish all the time you can with your daughter and hubby at home. And spoil Chuck, who is obviously the perfect dog.

My mom became a SAHM after the birth of my sister (who is 15 months younger than I). I think it was great--she was always there for us, took an active interest in our doings, was a major part of the PTA and helped provide many wonderful events for my school, and was also leader of my Girl Scout troop.

She still had her interests--she pursued a small craft business with a couple friends, and often did other things with other PTA moms.

She had to go back to work when I was in 6th grade, and it was a little different to come home from school and not have her there (though my dad's new job meant he came home right when school got out), but I was old enough where it didn't matter too much.

I don't think I'd change any of it--I'm sure I reaped plenty of benefits from her being there.

As for what I'd hope for my daughters...well, I'll let you know when I have one. :)

I think I'd hope that they do whatever makes them happy though, and I hope to exercise my choice to stay home or work when I have kids--whichever happens to suit my situation when the time comes!

Wow! Those questions seem to do what we hope any good writing will do, create discussion, even if it's only one's personal dialogue.

I am currently a SAHM, for the most part. I used to teach first grade and I knew that I wouldn't be able to give the engergy I wanted to teaching and the engery I wanted to my child. So that left me at home. I substitute teach for friends of mine who teach, and only when I know ahead of time so it's easy to arrange care for my now 15-month old daughter. I was sure being a SAHM was what I wanted. Now, I am not always sure. I have realized that working satisfied a social need I didn't realize I had. I miss colleagues. I have a few other "mom" friends, but it's not the same as work. I had no idea how isolating being a SAHM would be, and it's really floored me. Finding blogs like yours on-line have really helped stave off that isolated feeling.

When I first taught I think I sometimes looked down on families where both parents worked. Then I realized a supportive family is a supportive family, no matter who is working. People who have the option of one parent staying at home are blessed, and I applaud those who make that choice (and the sacrifices that come with it). I don't envy people who don't have that option, and I also applaud doing what is best for your family (and the sacrifices that come with being a working parent).

My mom was not a SAHM mom, but I forget that she wasn't. She made the sacrifice of working 3rd shift, part time, most of the time I was in school. That pretty much meant she worked while we slept, slept while we were at school, and was there for us when we got home. When we were a little older, she switched to a day job as a home health nurse, but I was then responsible for only about an hour after school and she still made us dinner when she got home. I never felt like my mom missed any important events in our lives, school plays, volleyball games, recitals. I cannot, however, imagine how difficult that work schedule must have been on her and my father.

I am debating going back to school and eventually returning to work. I'm not sure being home full-time is truly the best thing for me or my daughter. She is very passionate (read: subborn as a mule) like I am and we spend much of each day "butting heads". A little seperation might be good for both of us.

When she grows up, I hope she finds something that makes her happy. If it's staying home to raise children, living on a mountain and raising goats, or working on Wall Street, I just hope she feels good about whatever she's doing. And even more importantly, I hope she is strong enough to make a change when she needs to.

I used to feel like staying at home, wanting to stay at home, was some kind of slap in the face of all the women who fought so hard for equality in the workplace. Now I feel a little like we need to work toward better choices in society so more women and men feel able to do what is best for their families.

what strikes me as funny here is that it sounds like the choice is "work/don't work". as if being a mother isn't work. its a highly underpaid occupation, IMO.
my mother was liscenced as an art teacher, with a bachelors in art. she chose to stay home to be a full-time mom. she and my father made a lot of sacrifices in order to make that possible. in fact, they ate a lot of hot dogs and drank a lot of kool-aid in order to afford it. and i am so incredibly honored as their child that they chose to make those sacrifices.
i think any true feminist would appreciate the option to excercise that choice - as she would any choice.
i am a 30 year-old woman who is not married and who does not have children. i have a career that my parents are proud of, and my friends are jealous of. and yet, i know, when that time comes that i find the man i want to marry and father my children, i will make the choice to be a full-time mom. its all i've ever wanted to be. not a high-powered CEO or attorney. not a ballerina. not even a princess (unless its prince william who wants to father those rugrats). i think it is a noble and rewarding title, that of Stay At Home Mom, President of the Kitchen Board, Chair of the Laundry Room. and really, the women who think those of us who chose that life to be less-than they are, are the ones who make feminists look bad. not those who excercise the right, the opportunity, the priviledge of being a SAHM.

my mom did not have the choice. she was on her own with three small children, so she had to get a job where she had the flexablity if any of us needed her she could be there for most of the time.she is a realtor and that job also has it own uncertainties. If i would change any thing i wish she would have been around more and been more envolved with my life. i realize when i look back she didn't have the luxury she had to make sure the three of us had are needs might. i think my mom is a supermom.

My mom was a SAHM. She was president of the PTA (including dressing up in a Care Bear costume to promote a fundraiser), Girl Scout cookie mom, volunteered at Sunday school and all around kid schlepper to all our activities.

She never went to college. She went to "business school" and was an executive secretary to an oil company CEO before having kids.

When my dad decided to start his own business and money was no where to be found, she did some freelance work typing a manuscript for a friend's book. She did what she had to whenever she had to do it.

I am so thankful she was always around. Even in college, I would call her and literally read her my term / research papers over the phone to make sure they were okay, or at least grammatically correct.

She is an 11 year breast cancer survivor and now fighting myeloma (a cocksucking disease). And I have never been more proud of having her as a mom.

I will send my daughter to college. I will broaden her mind and teach her about giving back like my mom did. And I will work to counteract all the bullshit that is shoved down women's throats about women not needing men, families not needing women and career comes before anything else.

I will teach her, as you said, that exercising the choice to be a part of a marriage and a family is the hardest and most important decision she will ever make.

And if she (and I) end up being 1/2 the women that she is... we'll have done pretty well.

Hi Heather - Happy Anniversary!

My mom was a SAHM for most of my life, with a year thrown in here and there of work when my dad was working less hours and/or was ill.

I loved having my mom at home, a lot more now in retrospect even. It was wonderful to have her there to address injuries, administer hugs, cook meals, plan events, delegate chores, and a million other motherly-related duties.

Having said that, I did not choose this path, and in fact still have no kids at 33 because the one thing that gravely concerns me is how my mother never had the confidence to think she could live without my father to support her. I am grateful they worked things out the best they could to this day but I still think that my mother could have rightly chosen to divorce my father many times for various reasons. However, too much fear and love for us kids kept her from it.

It terrifies me to think of being the sort of SAHM that relys solely on their spouse for finances. You do not have that issue ( plus you are the daughter of the Avon world sales leader! ) so I'm not sure if you know where I'm coming from with this. If I had ever had children, I would either elect to be the "working" spouse or work from home, if the option were there.

Obviously, Ms. Hirshman is stating her opinion, but it seems to me that she's taking way too normative a stance on the SAHM issue. As sita mentioned above, feminism is, or at least I think it should be, about the ability of a woman (or mother in this case), to make a choice about her life. And if you choose to work or to stay at home, that's fundamentally a Good Thing™, as my ex-girlfriend Martha would say.

Congratulations on your success and for exercising you free will to choose what is best for you.

My mother stayed home with me until I entered middle school and then went back to school, got her degree, and started her career as a teacher. I am proud of her for doing what she wanted and I am proud that I graduated high school and she graduated college the same year.

If I become a parent, I would like to think I could do as good a job as her of balancing my life.

My Mom was a SAHM, but she wasn't home that much. A younger brother had serious health issues so several years were spent staying with him in hospitals. As his health improved she became VERY involved with the Junior League, the Ladies Auxiliary at the church and other organizations.

Growing up it was tough to deal with. Physically, Mom was home, but she was very busy. Her time was taken up with phone calls and meetings and various projects. There were no boundaries between home and her 'work'. I wish that there had been boundaries. That she had had a commute during which she could decompress from her 'work' day, that she didn't bring her job, or the phone to the dinner table. Very frustrating when you wanted to talk about important things like menstruation and whether or not you could go to the slumber party at the Craig's house.

"What I want to know in comments is what did your mother do? Did your mother stay at home? Did she work? And how did you feel about what she did?"

My mother was a SAHM before there was such an acronym. She occasionally worked part-time outside the home, including a stint at Sears which I believe she took to get a discount on a Kenmore sewing machine. My mom could make stuff out of anything, sewed all my clothes, etc. I didn't care if she worked inside or outside the home. She had/has BPD (see also "Mommy Dearest" to know how that manifests) and her behavior wasn't usually tolerated outside the home. Many times I'd rather she wasn't around. When she left a job, she'd say "Oh my daughter doesn't want me to work." That wasn't true. I didn't care one way or the other.

"If you could change anything about what she did what would that be?"

Insofar as her working inside versus outside the home? Her mental illness aside, I would have prefered that she worked or volunteered outside the home in some capacity. By the time I was in middle school, I was the center of her universe; her happiness depended on what I did. If I got a bad grade or didn't get chosen for cheerleading or something, her world would come crashing down. I didn't (and still don't) share much of what's happening in my life with her. I would have prefered she had friends or at least people she could call and chat with on the phone. I wish she had tried more to be a parent and less to be a "girlfriend."

"Also, what do you hope your daughters grow up to do?"

The easy answer is "whatever makes her happy," which (1) is true and (2) is true for my son as well. If I'm going to go out on a limb and actually dream a little for her, I would like her to do something creative like writing or music, whether as a job or a hobby. Whatever her passion, be it rocket science or fronting a band, I want her to love doing what supports her and her family. If her situation is such that her partner supports the family financially and she has the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom (and same goes for my son being a SAHD), I hope she pursues it. It's been incredibly rewarding for me, higher education and all.

My mom bailed, so it was just me and my dad and he worked a lot. So I was raised in a pretty non-traditional environment, but I still think it would be nice to have the option to stay home part-time. Adult company is important, as Heather has shared with us.

My mother went to work when I was about five and I really didn't like it.

I have two little kids and I stay at home with them but I want to go back to work and I understand why my Mom needed to work. I respect every woman's choice to do what she wants and I wish every woman and man had that choice.

I have a daughter and I hope she grows up to be happy and peaceful and a force of good in the world. I don't care if she stays home with kids or works 100 hour weeks but I do hope all of her dreams come true.