Now that that's out of the way, my mom was a SAHM, except for when my dad was unemployed for a short while, then she had a part time job. I always thought it was great that she was there when I got home from school - my mom's work never got in the way of me getting to go somewhere or do something with friends, and I'm sure that her being home was a major reason for my doing so well in school. Of course, I also hated her always "nagging me" by asking me so many questions (as intrusive as "how was your day?" in my teenage years). I do wish she would have gotten a job when I got older. Not so she'd leave me alone, but because she had (and still has) self-esteem issues now that stem from not having worked in 20+ years.

At age 22 and an only child, I feel forced to seek a career rather than staying home. Like I'd be letting down the family if they knew my major dream was really to be a mom, not a corporate superstar. I hope my daughters, if I have some, don't feel the pressure I do to hold up a status quo - I hope they do what is best for them individually, even if I don't like it so much.

Wow, comments! Go figure.

My mother works as a daycare provider, so staying at home *was* working. Someday when I have daughters, I hope they grow up to do whatever they want. Hopefully not something soul-sucking.

My mom was a stay at home mom and although I didn't realize it then, it was great. My wife is extremely well educated (can you say 16 years!) and since we had our kids she has changed professions and now works part time so that she can be at home with our kids. This was her decision, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for it. She definitely has the harder job.

My mom was a stay at home mom, due to her Lupus and arthritis when I was in grade school. Being a kid, you don't understand that stuff, but looking back, I realize how comforting it was to have her ... or someone at home when I came home from school.

I hope that my daughter (if I ever get one) will do what she feels is right. Sorry to be non-committal on that, but it's how I feel.

Happy Fifth Anniversary of the blog. I discovered you through my sister and I am glad I did.

In answer to your question...my mom took six years off to raise my sister and I. When she went back to work, it was part time, then full time. It also helped that she was a teacher - in the same Catholic school we were attending. It was not until I was 11 years old (I am 27 now) that I was a real latchkey kid.

I liked having Mom home for those early years. And as I got older, it was great during the summer cause we had mom home all the time. :)

My parents are both educators and it afforded them to work and have a lot of time to be at home with us, so it was really a good combination. I felt like I had more time with my parents than most of my friends. We traveled a lot and did so much together as a family and I hope to provide the same for my daughter (who's only a day older than Leta! Hi Leta!).

I work a lot now but wish that I could be home with my daughter, but at least we can afford to have my husband home with her. He's a stay at home dad 100% of the time because I can make more money than him. :-)

I want my daughter to be able to do whatever she wants. I agree with your sentiment completely that circumstances prevent us from being able to have that choice most of the time.

What I want to know in comments is what did your mother do? My mother worked until the day I was born and then had 3 kids in a row. She didn't go back until the youngest was in Kindergarten. And she continued working as a school librarian for about 20 years. She just retired a couple years ago. It was awesome to have mom available to us. It was great over the summer to do things in and around town with all our cousins(since their parents worked). Sometimes I wished she opted for a law library with better pay and more prestige and something really cool to talk about. We had a very modest upbringing but I'm glad my parents made the sacrifices since we never were never home alone. My mom had some cool options and us three kids were the deciding factor.

If I had daughters, I think I would encourage them to do what their heart tells them and that choices always have both good and bad consequences. When that time comes for them I hope I can help them step through the possible consequences and the impact of their emotions and the family's well-being.

Thanks for sharing how you feel about the topic. My husband and I have been also debating this topic since we both had different upbringings.

My mom stayed at home & took care of us. I think that not having any socially recognized work outside the home ate away her self-esteem, made her prone to depression, left her isolated and relatively friendless, and, honestly, weakened her faith in herself to such an extent that really wasn't as capable as she should have been, even in terms of being a mother and a housekeeper. Our house was a mess (it was so bad that we couldn't have friends over), her moods were unpredictable and sometimes scary, there was never a sit-down meal of any kind, ever (and when I say "never" a sit-down meal, I'm including holidays), I went to school hungry and in dirty clothes (and my family was affluent), all because my mother had so little faith in herself she couldn't get organized to do simple domestic tasks.

I don't think that every mother should work outside the home. But for some mothers, the isolation and lack of social recognition that sometimes happens when they stay at home to raise kids can be soul-killing.

Heather,

Love your site. Congratulations on your choice of being a SAHM. All the controversy around this subject frustrates me -- women should just support each other in their life choices and not write books giving some women grief over the choice they made. I am a CPA and have a great career, but can't wait to give it all up to be a SAHM in a year or two.

My mom was a SAHM as well -- I felt that we were especially close as a family and had many other benefits because of it. My mom is one of my best friends. I think the only regret she had was that she didn't have a college degree or a career that she could go back to, at least part-time, once we were in school. She feels bad sometimes now that we're grown that she can't contribute the same way financially that my dad can.

My mom was a SAHM in a way.. she owned and ran 2 adult foster care homes for the mentally ill and an elderly care facility.. We lived in the basement of one of the AFC homes and had 6 residents that lived upstairs.. My mom basically ran the homes from home.. except when she wanted to leave or we went on vacation, then we had workers. I am really glad this was how my life was.. i am an only child and got tons of attention along with many great memories of my mom always being around. I wouldnt change it if i could. I hope to some day be able to stay at home with my children and hopefully if my kids want that when they have children of their own... they are able to make it happen.

Hey Heather.... First off, welcome home. Looks like you guys had a blast.

My mom stayed home and raised five kids. When she eventually chose to go to work, the sneaky old bird got a job at the school we all attended so she could stay close to us (read: watch our every move and make sure we didn't commit any felonies). It was her choice and hers alone. It was of course, a different era and my dad made enough money to comfortably support us but she has insisted over and over that she would have made the same decision even if we were dirt poor. As a stay-at-home dad, I can tell you I feel the same way. My wife simply made more and had better health benefits than me so the choice was simple. With 3 years in the rear view, I wouldn't change a thing. We have made numerous sacrifices which I am sure you can relate to. We could have a lot more material things right now but watching my son grow on a daily basis is fair trade. I do, on occasion, burn a bra or two but it is wholly unrelated.

My mother was a stay at home mom mostly. That is to say, whenever my father's company went on strike, she was right out there, supporting all 5 of us - doing what had to be done. As soon as that strike was over, she was right back at home with us kids. Not because she had to, wasn't educated enough, or was lazy - but because she couldn't imagine a better use of her time than being there for us every waking moment. She was an inspiration to me, and now that I have my own child, I have done everything in my power to build a business that allows me to stay home.

Why should I miss a single moment in my daughter's life if I don't have to? They are only children once. No, I'm not lazy or under-educated either. I am a college graduate, and a single mother. I own my own business and it isn't making me millions, but it's enough.

It made me happy as a child to come home everyday knowing my mom was there with cookies waiting to ask me how my day went. There were times as a teen that I didn't take certain risks or get into trouble with my friends because I knew my mom always greeted me at the door and talked to me about how my friends were doing. It kept me on the straight and narrow.

For my daughter, when she gets to be my age, I only want her to be one thing - happy. And if happy means she is going to stay at home with 5 kids while her husband works 100 hours a week, then so be it.

Good for you Heather for doing what you are. You and Jon are doing what is best for YOUR family - don't try to let anyone tell you any different.

I have a master's degree in English and I'm a stay-at-home mom and freelance graphic designer. After the birth of my first child, I remained working, though I was able to go to part time. Last year I had my daughter and I made the decision to stay home with my kids after having her.

I've thought a lot about this very topic. Do I feel it's a waste of a good education to stay at home with my kids? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Do I feel like I have SO much to share with my kids, to educate them and let them have the influence of a mother who is not only intelligent but creative and fun and willing to spend time with them (rather than shuttle them off to be cared for by someone else)? Yes, of course.

My own mother worked pretty much my entire life; my brother and I were latch-key kids, and I hated it and always wished I'd had more time with my mom. I think it would have perhaps made me closer to her than I am today. (Not necessarily, but I like to think it might have helped.)

Happy 5th anniversary, Heather. You have inspired me more than you will ever know. Congratulations on finding your dream job.

My mom went to work and I don't think it bothered her. She was always able to get off when anything big was happening with either my brother or I. I don't think she would do it differently either. I mean if she could have stayed home I know she would have because she has never really liked her job. But she was always lucky enough to get off when it was needed. I also wouldn't have it anyother way. I love my mother, but I know now that she had to go to work and she loved me and that is why she went to work.

I home my daughter does whatever she thinks is best. As long as she loves her children the way my mom does me, I know things will be ok.

Hi Heather! My mom worked outside the home the entire time I was growing up. She either worked for other companies or for my dad's company. Then they divorced and she has worked as an AR accountant pretty much ever since.

Praise God my mom did not do the stay-at-home thing with me. I'm 39 and I guess it was on the new side to have a mom that worked completely fulltime. But I'd be much more neurotic if she'd been in my life more. If I hadn't had an escape from her. She might actually have succeeded in killing herself from the stress of being a mom more than she was.

I have made the choice, like you, to work at home to be a pseudo SAHM. I have an office that I can go to - I own my own company with a partner. He works in the office and I work at home. I have an MS in engineering. The difference between us is that I send my children away during the day. My son is in kindergarten and my daughter just turned 3. She goes to mothers day out at two different churches and a friend also keeps her two afternoons a week. If I had to be with my children more I'd lose it. I'm just not good at it.

But working at home gives me freedom to choose when I do have the emotional energy to be around them and not ruin them. I'm glad I have this option. I would not have had children had I thought I'd have to work 8-5 and have my kids in care from 7-6. I need the choice of when to be with them. BOY am I SPOILED!

Thank goodness for my degrees, for my employment, for my partner, for my husband, for my antidepressants, and for my children. and for dooce.

HI Heather -- My mom was a SAHM until my dad divorced her -- not her idea -- and then she went back to work as a school nurse. So, you can imagine, it was hard to figure out how to skip school when she had access to the absentee list... After I got over the stigma of their divorce (if only it had been, say, three or four years later, when EVERYONE's parents were getting divorced...) I actually liked her working. My sisters and I became very self-sufficient, and I think that has served me well in later years.

So, naturally, when it came time to figure out how to raise our kids, we did the only thing that made sense -- my husband stayed home full time. SAHD, or shit ass 'ho dick, to paraphrase your own site! It worked well for us, and my two kids -- now teens in high school -- say that they really liked having their dad at home. They have really close relationships with him, and with me, and with each other. It's pretty nice.

What do I hope for my kids? That they are blessed with choices, and that they feel empowered to make them. And, when they make the wrong ones, that they have the strength and courage to do it over.

That and, of course, that they worship me.

BTW, I think you're doing a wonderful job as a mom. I know it's hard -- but you're definitely going to make it, sister.

my mother had very little choice in the matter - she was terminally ill before I was ever born and didn't have the stamina for fulltime anything. When I was a child, things weren't too bad, in that she was very young and had an army of good friends and relatives to help her with me (her only child) before I joined all-day elementary school ranks... Thereafter, while I was at school, she was either at home resting, recouping from the morning routine with me, and trying to reserve her energy for when I would return home from school... or she was in the hospital and I stayed with friends or family, overnight. My father worked like a maniac to enable what had to be done - he carried us financially until she died in '87. My mother could never do more than PT work and what she could, it was from home, always. But if she had been healthy? If she could have worked FT? She would have chosen to stay home - she loved being available for me and my playmates.

My mom worked because she had to. I wish she had been able to stay home with me. She wishes she could have stayed home with me. I don't have kids yet, but I'm currently trying to work out a way to be home with them because I want to. I'm working on my master's degree right now. So, I suppose going along with Hirshman's line of thought, I'd just be wasting it? I think not.

My mom was a SAHM. I don't think I really thought about whether I liked it or didn't like it when I was a child because that was all I really knew. Most of the adult women I was close to as a child stayed at home with their kids so that was the norm to me. Looking back on it now, I am very grateful that my mom was always there when I needed her - only a phone call away. I hope that my daughter feels the same way.

What I want for my daughter is to do whatever it is that she wants most to do - to live her dream. And beyond that, to live in a world where people don't question a person's choices based solely on their gender.

Happy blogiversary Heather. :)

I think no one can tell us what is right for us or our children. Being a stay at home mom has been the best thing I have ever or will ever do. That being said, I have seen some women stay at home that maybe shouldn't have. Doing it so they could watch TV and eat cupcakes, never actually loving or teaching their children. Some kids would actually be better off in daycare and I think the trick is knowing ourselves enough to know if we are made for this brand of work. Not everyone is the same and it doesn't make anyone better or worse. Just think people should better self evaluate before choosing the direction of their and their childrens lives. If you F**k up parenting then you srewed a person up...more people should look at it more carefully.

My mother was a SASM, but more because she didn't want to work versus wanting to stay home with us. I remember thinking that I wanted to be a better example to my children, on working hard and providing versus sitting at home.

PS, Congratulations on five years and a great blog!

My Mom and Dad worked opposite shifts at a state hospital so one could always be home with my brother and I. I am sure she would've rather been home full time, but we needed 2 incomes to survive. Had she had OPTIONS..........

My mother divorced my sperm donor of a father when I was only six months old. She then worked full time, with my brother and I practically living at my grandparent's house. I really wish she could've been there more often, as I never really got to know her until my late teenage years.

I really do hope that I have the means to stay home with my children. There is nothing that I want more.

And I simply would like my daughters to have the freedom to choose. To choose an outstanding career, a mediocre career, or to stay at home and raise their children. Our country is supposedly about freedom, I hope they are more able to act upon that freedom without being thought of as a cop-out!

Oh, and congrats on the five year mark!

My mom stayed at home. I never really thought much about it at the time. She never spent much time with me though. I can remember asking her to play games with me and such but she was always busy cleaning the house or fixing dinner.

I stay home too, and like you, it's by CHOICE. No one told me to do this. In fact, I've felt more pressure to go out and get a job! But I've found a way that I can bring in some money and stay home with my son and that makes me pleased as PUNCH.

If I'm ever fortunate enough to have a daughter, I'd want her to do whatever her heart leads her to do. If she wants to have a career, go for it. If she wants to have a family and stay home? Good for her. If she has a family but has to work in order to help support the family, I'll support that for her as well. Because it's not my choice, it's hers. :)

Forget Miss Harvard. You have two jobs, and nobody should knock that. Whose right is it to define what your job is? Being a mom is a hell of a lot of work. Writing is a lot of work too, but most people don't understand that and think you sit at home all day, then sit down and write without the need for revision.

My mom is an artist (calligrapher) whose work is mostly wedding-related. She does art in her spare time. She's worked at home since I was born when she quit being a special-ed teacher. People still don't understand that she works just like everyone else, so being at home doesn't make her any more free to blow everything off and go have fun. I wouldn't trade my growing up for anything. I'm an only child, and we had so much fun together. I was always around art and artists, musicians, and creative people. I'm an only child, and it was a great life.

Children need major attention from their parents, and if it's possible for one of them to stay home, isn't it the best option? Who better to give the attention and nurture that a child needs than the people that love him best? What you do is important and irreplacable in Leta's life. Writing is a gift; nobody would make the work of a journalist, columnist, or novelist seem like it's not a "real" job.

LOVE THE BLOG!!

Ok my mom was home with us until I was in 7th grade then she went back to work. It was awful. I hated coming home to an empty house and I resented having to watch my brother. I learned to cook and clean early on in life so that wasnt even an issue. I just felt sorta cheated since all of my friends were allowed out to play or to have friends over. It made me become an adult waaaay too early. She HAD to go back to work (a divorce can make that happen) so I just "got over it". If I could change it I would have given anything to have her home when I got home...asking me how my day was...comforting me when my friends were cruel.

What I want for all the young girls in the world is the ability to choose what they want. I would hope they could work if they wanted or stay home if they wanted. Its a shame that more women are not able to choose because thier bank accout wont let them.

Happy anniversary on your site! My mom has always worked, out of necessity. I didn't think one thing or another about it at the time. But, as I grew older and began developing my own career, we talked more about her career, and it became clear she hated her career and felt boxed in. I think she grew up in a time when you just bit the bullet and did what you thought you had to do and didn't rock the boat or try to better your own situation. She definitely puts up with more than I would. She wishes she were more assertive, and I wish that for her, too. I like what you said about having options. My options at the moment are few, but I can see them expanding, and that's what I'm working towards. For my daughters, should I have them, I want them to do what they want to do, and not what anyone else tells them to. In many ways my mom passed her don't rock the boat legacy on to me. It has taken me quite a few years to undo it and rock my own boats. I hope my daughters are boat rockers, too.

My mother was a teacher - she took a leave when she had me, and then was a SAHM until I was 9 and my younger brother was 6, at which point she went back to teaching, because our family needed both incomes. She retired 5 years ago, at age 55, exactly when my twins were born - a happy coincidence.

When I became a mom, I stayed home for a year, then worked 3-4 days a week the year after that, then went back full time when they were 2. Sometimes I wish I could be home with them, and sometimes I think that I would have NO social life whatsoever if I didn't have to go into the city 5 days a week to work. I may have an opportunity to quit and run our "side business" from home full time, and if I can, I'd like to do that. I try not to dwell on the fact that otherwise I simply can't afford to be a SAHM. Makes me think that the feminist movement missed some of the finer points. You said it well, Heather.

For my 5 year old daughter, I just hope that her life can support whatever choice she wants to make. I understand wanting to stay home, and I understand wanting to work. Whichever she chooses, I will do my best to help her as much as my mother helped me. And as for what anyone else thinks, I honestly don't give a shit.

Happy 5th Anniversary.

I'm the oldest of five, and my mother is working on her 27th year of stay-at-home parenting. She does contribute to the family income on the weekends, as she and my father are two parts of a 3-piece Irish band. No, really. But working one night a week afforded her the chance to raise the five of us at home.

I'm doing the stay-at-home thing with my four-and-a-half-month-old daughter. And part of what I hope for her is that her life will let her make her own choices, and that those choices will make her happy.

Congratulations on your five years of stupidity, Heather.

My mother stayed at home with my younger brother and me until I was in fourth grade. Then she went back to school to get her Master's and then her Doctor's in Education. She went on to be a fourth-grade teacher and then a principal. Now she's semi-retired. She was lucky in that she got to have the best of both worlds: she was able to stay home with my brother and me while we were young and needed that most. Then there was a transition period while she was in grad school. She was home sometimes and not others. When she was home, she was usually busy. This was a great way for my brother and me to grow up. She was there a lot of the time so we never went long periods without her, but we were able to grow independent. There were issues. (I can't count the number of times I burned the rice that I was supposed to make for dinner.) But we were able to grow so well.

I think that it's a crock to say that educated women are making the wrong choice by staying at home. What could be better than having an educated mother (or father) at your disposal?

-kg

PS. Not that I'm complaining about mooching off your PageRank, but shouldn't you have a 'rel="nofollow"' in the links to the commenters?

Woo.. adding to the flood of comments. First of all, happy 5 year bloggaversary! I've only been reading for a year or so but (like many people have said) you were one of the first blogs I ever got hooked on, which inspired me to blog, albeit occasionally.

My mother never had many goals as far as education went. She struggled in school and then went on to becoming a "Beauty School Drop-Out" (Cue Grease.) When she got married, she worked random jobs just to bring in additional income, but then quit right after I was born. She has been a stay-at-home-mom ever since... even though I'm in college and my younger sister will be in high school next year. I am definitely not against SAHMoms and Dads but I think that my mom should try the work world again now that we're all grown up. (For one thing, it would help their financial situation, and she would also probably gain much needed self-confidence and assurity.)
When I first started reading feminist lit, I was one of those naive, sixteen-year-olds who thought all women were sacrificing their life by being homemakers, but I have since adapted (thankfully) to agree with your sentiments. Feminism is about making your own personal choices, and I respect that for everyone.

As for me, when I have kids I will probably take a couple years off or my now-fiance will, which ever works best. I just want to have as close of a relationship with my kid(s) as I can, and want to make their happiness my main goal.

My mom stayed at home until I was 12. And even though that was her choice to go back to work and better things followed that choice, I think I kind of resented not having her home anymore. Especially when she quit 6 years later and stayed home while my little brother finished high school.

I don't have kids but I know that when I do, I want to be able to stay home with them. I don't see it as wrong, or unfeminist to do so. How come men don't have this unbearable limitation put on them? Career woman sacrficing her children or cave woman sacrificing her freedom....

My mother was widowed when I was five years old. She was left with 90% of the mortgage paid off after the life insurance paid out, so she was forced to work. She managed to work part time between 9-3 whilst I was in school, but often when I was sick, I had to go to work with her - the finances didn't allow any other choice. At the time, I hated it - I wanted a mum who could stay home when I was sick.

She explained her choices to me when I was old enough to understand - how she had no choice but to work, if we wanted a roof over our heads and food in our mouths.

As an adult, I admire my mother. She took a difficult situation, did her damndest to keep her head above water, and succeeded. I'm proud of her for that. I may not have agreed with all her choices over the years, but I am proud of her for being a good mother. She was always, ALWAYS, there when I needed her, helped me when I wanted it, and taught me to be independent.

If I ever become a parent, I can only hope to be as successful a mother as my own mother was. We've disagreed, sure, but she's also someone I'm proud to have as my mother.

My mother was, initally, a stay-at-home mom. Later, she became a stay-at-home, work-at-home-as-a-babysitter mom. Years later, she went on to be a work-outside-the-home mom, a college-student mom, a stay-at-home mom (again), and a work-outside-the-home-using-her-recently-acquired-professional-degree mom. She raised six children.

How I felt about that as a child is as complex and mutltifaceted an emotion as any during our mom-and-minor-child relationship. I'm not sure I can pin it down to one or two sentences, but let me try. As a young child of the late 70s and early 80s, I didn't think about it...at least, not that I recall. When I was a teenager and my mother returned to school, I do remember suffering from bouts of resentment when I had to do what I considered more than my fair share of Mom's Work (cooking, cleaning, etc.) (It should be noted here that my step-father didn't contribute much to the completion of these tasks, as he was typically exhausted from his own full-plus-overtime factory job.)

Given the opportunity to change something about what she did, I'm not sure that I'd take the offerer up on it. I think--and I admit this is not precisely the answer to the question you asked--I would change the way she supported (and, honestly, failed to support) my sister and myself in our academic and career endeavors. It was with smacking hypocrisy that we were told our job was to be "a woman," to "be submissive," and to basically plant onself in a subservient role. She was willing to pay for our brothers' educations; she gave my sister and me lovely sets of dishes and told us our educations were not "affordable." I still sometimes wonder if she wasn't trying to reverse-psychologize us. (Yes, I know that's not a real word.)

I don't have a daughter; I'm not sure what I would want any hypothetical daughter to do. I acknowledge the great wisdom of the universe in sending me a male child. (Yes, I know that's not how genetics work. Nevermind.) Still, I expend plenty of worry over my son, who (if he is, as I suspect, heterosexual) I hope will grow up to couple with a woman who is fully aware of all of her choices and exercises them as she sees fit. Futher and perhaps more importantly, I hope he's the sort of man who will be supportive of whatever lifestyle-path she prefers to tread. (assuming said path doesn't lead t'wards the land of Illegal, Flagrantly Immoral, and/or Embarassingly Crappy Crap)

Hi Heather! I have been reading you for about a year now. Thanks for keepin me rollin and I LOVE the daily photo! Great job and congrats on all your famed success!

My mother worked. My family lived from paycheck to paycheck and never seemed to get ahead. I guess I would say if I could change anything I would change the fact that my mom was never really there. I spent a lot of time alone and they worked A LOT. Both parents were in the car business and my mom was an office manager for many years. It just seemed like an awful struggle.

In today's world it's a need to have both parents working. MOST people have to have double incomes just to pay the bills, let alone anything extra. I have been lucky enough to be able to be at home with my children from the day they were born. I value that time and think that my children have learned more about everything because I have/had the time to work with them. My 7 year old was counting to 10 before he was 2. ( no joke ) He was writing his name by 3, first and last! I worked with him every chance I got and he LOVES learning in school. My other 2 children are 2 and 1 and up until the last month I was home with them as well. I value that time and love how close I am with my children. Was it a struggle financially? Yes. Do I get hassled occassionally because I "didn't work"... yes. But it doesn't matter, because in the end my children love and respect me for everything I do for them.

On the other hand, I wish the very best for people and respect people greatly who work and take care of children. I know for me, my day starts at 5-6am and doesn't stop until 11pm at night. Between school and work.... I am dead crazy. I think you "just know" what is right for you......

Good luck with everything Heather.

Angelena

My mother was just finishing her 2nd masters degree & about to start her PhD when I was accidently concieved. With three older kids- 11, 13 & 15 she was finally feeling the wind under her wings -making my dad cook dinner while she did the night school thing and loved it.

My dad said "no more school, raise the child" so she decided that she'd live through me. She vowed I'd be the best child anyone ever raised and had me playing the violin at 4 and pushed me into any& every child prodigy afterschool thing she could find. It was madness for both of us. It really messed me up for years & years. At 32 I forgive her mostly but I'm still a misbalanced insecure sorta drifter / artist.

I'm frightened to have my own kids, I do see the same pathos /obsession/ perfection in myself.
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Thanks dooce, rock on!

Well, my mother worked part time. She was not college educated, however. It was a different, and actually, sort of ideal situation in that she and my father co-owned a business together. She worked most of the day while I was in school, but was usually home when I came home from school in the afternoons, and almost always for dinner.

As far as me, I have an advanced post-graduate degree in the field of education, and I've worked as a teacher, a school principal, and as a policy-maker at the state level. Now at age 32, I am in my 9th month of pregnancy and expecting my first child - a daughter - and I don't work.

I've made the conscious decision to stay at home. In fact, I've been staying at home since my 4th month of pregnancy. I've entered into the world of consulting, which suits me just fine, because it offers me the flexibility to stay at home when I want to, and work when I want to. I've chosen to stay at home and raise my daughter - and I realize how fortunate I am to be able to make that choice.

What I want for her is to have the same choices. I want her to know that she can be whatever she wants to be, and I want her to not be judged for those choices the way I sometimes am.

There's actually a great Sesame Street skit from the late 1970's that's all about empowering women to be whatever they want to be - all I remember are the lines "We can be truck drivers, we can be clowns" I wish I could find it in its entirety, because that's exactly what I want for my daughter, the freedom and the empowerment for her to know that she can do anything.

My mom became a SAHM after the birth of my sister (who is 15 months younger than I). I think it was great--she was always there for us, took an active interest in our doings, was a major part of the PTA and helped provide many wonderful events for my school, and was also leader of my Girl Scout troop.

She still had her interests--she pursued a small craft business with a couple friends, and often did other things with other PTA moms.

She had to go back to work when I was in 6th grade, and it was a little different to come home from school and not have her there (though my dad's new job meant he came home right when school got out), but I was old enough where it didn't matter too much.

I don't think I'd change any of it--I'm sure I reaped plenty of benefits from her being there.

As for what I'd hope for my daughters...well, I'll let you know when I have one. :)

I think I'd hope that they do whatever makes them happy though, and I hope to exercise my choice to stay home or work when I have kids--whichever happens to suit my situation when the time comes!

My mom worked until I was 10 or 11 (I'm 22 now). I'm an only child, and until then she was a single mother. I was a latch-key kid and I hated it. In the summer my mom dropped me off at the YMCA at 8am, so I had to go to bed early when the sun was still out, and I sat on the radiator in my second-story bedroom and watched my friends and neighbors gather on the sidewalks.

But then my mom remarried and quit her job, and I said, "SUCK ON THAT, LATCH-KEY KIDS!"

I don't want children. But if I did, I'd want my daughters to be twin actors.

what strikes me as funny here is that it sounds like the choice is "work/don't work". as if being a mother isn't work. its a highly underpaid occupation, IMO.
my mother was liscenced as an art teacher, with a bachelors in art. she chose to stay home to be a full-time mom. she and my father made a lot of sacrifices in order to make that possible. in fact, they ate a lot of hot dogs and drank a lot of kool-aid in order to afford it. and i am so incredibly honored as their child that they chose to make those sacrifices.
i think any true feminist would appreciate the option to excercise that choice - as she would any choice.
i am a 30 year-old woman who is not married and who does not have children. i have a career that my parents are proud of, and my friends are jealous of. and yet, i know, when that time comes that i find the man i want to marry and father my children, i will make the choice to be a full-time mom. its all i've ever wanted to be. not a high-powered CEO or attorney. not a ballerina. not even a princess (unless its prince william who wants to father those rugrats). i think it is a noble and rewarding title, that of Stay At Home Mom, President of the Kitchen Board, Chair of the Laundry Room. and really, the women who think those of us who chose that life to be less-than they are, are the ones who make feminists look bad. not those who excercise the right, the opportunity, the priviledge of being a SAHM.

my mom did not have the choice. she was on her own with three small children, so she had to get a job where she had the flexablity if any of us needed her she could be there for most of the time.she is a realtor and that job also has it own uncertainties. If i would change any thing i wish she would have been around more and been more envolved with my life. i realize when i look back she didn't have the luxury she had to make sure the three of us had are needs might. i think my mom is a supermom.

My mom was a SAHM. She was president of the PTA (including dressing up in a Care Bear costume to promote a fundraiser), Girl Scout cookie mom, volunteered at Sunday school and all around kid schlepper to all our activities.

She never went to college. She went to "business school" and was an executive secretary to an oil company CEO before having kids.

When my dad decided to start his own business and money was no where to be found, she did some freelance work typing a manuscript for a friend's book. She did what she had to whenever she had to do it.

I am so thankful she was always around. Even in college, I would call her and literally read her my term / research papers over the phone to make sure they were okay, or at least grammatically correct.

She is an 11 year breast cancer survivor and now fighting myeloma (a cocksucking disease). And I have never been more proud of having her as a mom.

I will send my daughter to college. I will broaden her mind and teach her about giving back like my mom did. And I will work to counteract all the bullshit that is shoved down women's throats about women not needing men, families not needing women and career comes before anything else.

I will teach her, as you said, that exercising the choice to be a part of a marriage and a family is the hardest and most important decision she will ever make.

And if she (and I) end up being 1/2 the women that she is... we'll have done pretty well.

Hi Heather - Happy Anniversary!

My mom was a SAHM for most of my life, with a year thrown in here and there of work when my dad was working less hours and/or was ill.

I loved having my mom at home, a lot more now in retrospect even. It was wonderful to have her there to address injuries, administer hugs, cook meals, plan events, delegate chores, and a million other motherly-related duties.

Having said that, I did not choose this path, and in fact still have no kids at 33 because the one thing that gravely concerns me is how my mother never had the confidence to think she could live without my father to support her. I am grateful they worked things out the best they could to this day but I still think that my mother could have rightly chosen to divorce my father many times for various reasons. However, too much fear and love for us kids kept her from it.

It terrifies me to think of being the sort of SAHM that relys solely on their spouse for finances. You do not have that issue ( plus you are the daughter of the Avon world sales leader! ) so I'm not sure if you know where I'm coming from with this. If I had ever had children, I would either elect to be the "working" spouse or work from home, if the option were there.

Obviously, Ms. Hirshman is stating her opinion, but it seems to me that she's taking way too normative a stance on the SAHM issue. As sita mentioned above, feminism is, or at least I think it should be, about the ability of a woman (or mother in this case), to make a choice about her life. And if you choose to work or to stay at home, that's fundamentally a Good Thingâ„¢, as my ex-girlfriend Martha would say.

I just started staying at home 4 months ago when my son was 10 months old. I have a college education and I CHOOSE to stay home. I love it and it is the hardest, most rewarding, most fun, most complicated and at times most frustrating job I have ever had. I love it more than anything.

My mom stayed home with us until we were old enough to come home and stay by ourselves for an hour or so. I am thankful she did, I think it was the best thing for my sister and I.

I haven't not yet looked at anything by or about this Linda Hirshman, but I wonder does she have children? Did she stay home with them?

I think it is great that this blog has been able to provide for your family and that you can all be home together. I could only dream of something like that happening for me. LOVE the blog and Congratulations on 5 years!

My mom taught before my sister (4 years older than me) and I were born, and then was a SAHM from the time my sis was born until I finished kindergarten. After that, she returned to teaching full time and kept the same hours we did. My dad always worked full time, but he wasn't much of a father, so we didn't mind his absence that much. Mom was the one who pushed us to achieve. She was a first-generation college grad, and it saved her from a life of poverty -- she got through college literally on peanut butter and crackers and without her parents' blessing, earning money doing hair and babysitting to pay for her BA. She managed to earn her Master's degree by the time she had her first child at 25. She raised my sister and I to love learning and to value education, and we never even considered the possibility of not going to college. We're two huge nerds -- we loved school....still do.

We were lucky to have a mom who worked the same hours we went to school -- it always felt like she was there for us. I know that it greatly benefitted us that she stayed home before we were old enough to go to school, too. I think it benefitted us even more that she had a LIFE the whole time. She was and is active in the community and always had interests and an identity of her own. I think that is EXTRAORDINARILY important for children to see in their parents, and I think that some SAHMs do disappear completely into motherhood. Mothers and fathers who don't have a life outside of their children run the risk of making those children dependent upon them. That's where the rub comes in with feminism, in my mind -- when a woman loses herself in motherhood. There are plenty of SAHMs who don't, though.

I hope either myself or the father will have the means to stay home with my kids, at least until school age, if/when I have any, but I also don't think that people who choose not to stay home are damaging their children -- every family is unique. I would also hope that, if I have kids, they pursue whatever makes them happy and not listen to someone who feels the need to dictate to them what it is that should provide that happiness.

I agree 100% with what you said, Heather -- feminism and SAHMotherhood aren't mutually exclusive at all. What's the use of feminism if it takes away the power to choose from all possible options? Linda Hirshman is a fuckwit.

Happy Anniversary, Heather!

My Mom was a SAHM, but she wasn't home that much. A younger brother had serious health issues so several years were spent staying with him in hospitals. As his health improved she became VERY involved with the Junior League, the Ladies Auxiliary at the church and other organizations.

Growing up it was tough to deal with. Physically, Mom was home, but she was very busy. Her time was taken up with phone calls and meetings and various projects. There were no boundaries between home and her 'work'. I wish that there had been boundaries. That she had had a commute during which she could decompress from her 'work' day, that she didn't bring her job, or the phone to the dinner table. Very frustrating when you wanted to talk about important things like menstruation and whether or not you could go to the slumber party at the Craig's house.

"What I want to know in comments is what did your mother do? Did your mother stay at home? Did she work? And how did you feel about what she did?"

My mother was a SAHM before there was such an acronym. She occasionally worked part-time outside the home, including a stint at Sears which I believe she took to get a discount on a Kenmore sewing machine. My mom could make stuff out of anything, sewed all my clothes, etc. I didn't care if she worked inside or outside the home. She had/has BPD (see also "Mommy Dearest" to know how that manifests) and her behavior wasn't usually tolerated outside the home. Many times I'd rather she wasn't around. When she left a job, she'd say "Oh my daughter doesn't want me to work." That wasn't true. I didn't care one way or the other.

"If you could change anything about what she did what would that be?"

Insofar as her working inside versus outside the home? Her mental illness aside, I would have prefered that she worked or volunteered outside the home in some capacity. By the time I was in middle school, I was the center of her universe; her happiness depended on what I did. If I got a bad grade or didn't get chosen for cheerleading or something, her world would come crashing down. I didn't (and still don't) share much of what's happening in my life with her. I would have prefered she had friends or at least people she could call and chat with on the phone. I wish she had tried more to be a parent and less to be a "girlfriend."

"Also, what do you hope your daughters grow up to do?"

The easy answer is "whatever makes her happy," which (1) is true and (2) is true for my son as well. If I'm going to go out on a limb and actually dream a little for her, I would like her to do something creative like writing or music, whether as a job or a hobby. Whatever her passion, be it rocket science or fronting a band, I want her to love doing what supports her and her family. If her situation is such that her partner supports the family financially and she has the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom (and same goes for my son being a SAHD), I hope she pursues it. It's been incredibly rewarding for me, higher education and all.

My mom bailed, so it was just me and my dad and he worked a lot. So I was raised in a pretty non-traditional environment, but I still think it would be nice to have the option to stay home part-time. Adult company is important, as Heather has shared with us.

My mother went to work when I was about five and I really didn't like it.

I have two little kids and I stay at home with them but I want to go back to work and I understand why my Mom needed to work. I respect every woman's choice to do what she wants and I wish every woman and man had that choice.

I have a daughter and I hope she grows up to be happy and peaceful and a force of good in the world. I don't care if she stays home with kids or works 100 hour weeks but I do hope all of her dreams come true.

My mom taught elementary school until my oldest brother was born, and she made the decision to stay home with her kids rather than put us in daycare. I have never, ever, been ashamed of my mother or felt that she must justify her decision because the sacrifice she made in giving up her "real career" has molded my brothers and I into strong, confident adults. I still cannot find enough appropriate words to thank her for her decision.

And in case you were wondering, my mother is as feminist as they come.

My mom stayed at home until we were in junior high which worked out wonderfully for everyone! I think she was in desperate need of some adult interaction and it made my brother and I have to take some responsibility for not burning the house down or killing each other in those few hours until she got home. When she did go back to work it was retail/service related which taught me a huge lesson - go to college, which I did and have to say that my graduation was one of the proudest days of her life. Growing up and having my mom always be available was such an awesome gift. I know that when I have a child I will stay home and my husband knows and supports this. We want our children to be raised by their parents and whatever sacrifices we have to make so that happens we are happy to.

I hope my presence in my daughter's life allows her to believe that she can do anything she wants. Hell, if she inherits her dad's psyche she can play defensive end for the Packers and we will be at every game supporting her!

Keep waiving that middle finger, Heather, because I am going to be waiving mine! Congrats on five years!

I completely agree with you Heather. My parents and I were immigrants to this country and totally poor and on no welfare of any kind, so my mother worked (and continues to do so) my entire life. I think she would have been a happier person (and a much gentler parent) if she'd had an opportunity to even figure out what she wanted from her professional life, rather than work just because money was needed, nevermind being given the chance to stay at home with me or my brother. It was her mother, my grandmother, who hung out with us after school and that was absolutely invaluble. I learned to be me because she was there as an example.

I knew when I had my own daughter that I would stay home with her for as long as I could. I went back to work when she was 20 months old...moreso because she seemed bored, than anything else. But since then it's just been about having a job, not even a career or going after a dream. I think it's horrible what little choice there is for a woman in a country with so much opportunity. I think you're right: it's actually making a choice when it's available that's our only remaining feminist mark.

Sorry to take up so much space, but I get so angry about this kind of thing. Your post is much more sedate than mine would have been.

My mom worked full-time outside of the home as long as I can remember. Financially, she didn't have a choice. When I was young, I don't think I knew that things could be different. When I grew older, I was proud of her work and her efforts to support us. I am still proud of her.
I have continued to work since the birth of my son (now 16 months). For a long time, I struggled with my decision. I felt that I was not giving enough to my son and not enough to my job. It took a long time for me to hold my head high when telling people my son goes to daycare. It is the right choice for our family. We are both striving, and there has been no damage to our relationship.
I hope that my son (and any future children) will be strong enough to make the decision (along with his partner) that is right for his family, whether that is working, a SAHM, or a SAHD.
-Rachel

Happy anniversary, Heather! I'm amazed at the number of comments that have multiplied here - it's such a sign of how many lives you touch.

My mom worked, and I attended pre-school for the first year or 2 of my life. My grandfather went to pick me up one day when my mom was running late, and they couldn't find me at first. I was eventually found, alone, in the rain, on the playground, in just a diaper and a t-shirt. My grandfather, who had just retired, yelled, "She's not coming back here anymore!" From then on, he took care of me every day. (My grandmother joined us once she retired, too.) I wouldn't trade my experience for the world. I grew up very close to my grandfather, and was ahead of my other classmates when I started school. Once I started school, my grandparents cared for my sister and I went to after-school daycare, which I loved, too. By the time I was 11 or so, we had moved and my sister and I became latchkey kids, which I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm glad that my mother worked, but even more glad that she had the ability to make the choice that was best for HER and had the support system to do it. I wish that my parents lived close enough to play the same role, if we ever have kids.

Looking back at my childhood, I think I was more affected by the times my parents had to work long hours and weren't there in the evenings, than I was by the fact that neither were home right when I got home from school. Afternoons were for homework, and playing outside with friends. Evenings were for family time, and when either parent was away due to work, the house seemed emptier, and different than if my parents weren't home due to a date together or something.

My hope for any kids I have is that they grow up in a society where they can do anything, and make any choice, no matter their gender. I hope that they can find a supportive partner who loves them as they are, and together are able to build the life they both desire, whether they both work, both stay home, or both host a tiger show in Vegas. My key wish is the ability for choice.

P.S. Please give Chuck some love and spaghetti on his snout for me!

Hey Heather, thanks for asking, and thanks for your post! My mom was a SAHM until my parents divorced when i was 9 and my brother was 11. Before my mother went to work, it never occurred to me that there WAS any other kind of mom. All of my friend's mom's were home with them all day long and it just seemed to me that this was a universal truth of every family. At least, all of the WASP families raising kids on my street.

I hated that my mom went to work, though I understood that she had to so that our family could eat. I hated getting off the school bus and letting myself in with my own house key. I hated wearing that key around my neck as a little girl and feeling embarrassed if my school mates noticed it. I hated feeling scared and bored for hours until my mom returned home from work, usually after dark.

I am now a SAHM with a one year old and hope to stay that way as long as possible. Remembering my life as a latch-key-kid makes me aware that not only does my baby need me at home now, but so will she as an adolescent. Possibly even more. I also feel lucky and empowered to be able to choose to stay home with my daughter. My middle finger waves at all who think my education is wasted on this endeavor! I began my "second" career as a massage therapist the year before I got pregnant and will definitely return to it when the time is right.

What will my daughter choose when her time comes? I would hate to think that I could be one of those moms who projects her choices onto her daughter, but I would be lying if I said I didn't hope she chose the same parenting path that I did. Ultimately, I would hope that work outside the home, or inside the home, whatever her choice would make her happy and fulfulled and that she has the freedom and power to CHOOSE.

Happy Anniversary Dooce, and thanks for your wicked awesome website.

Hey Heather! My mom was partly a SAHM, partly a student. Until I was in school, she stayed at home, but afterwards I believe she got stir crazy and went back to school. She didn't really need to financially, and I did miss her some during this time.
My dad started his own business when I was in 3rd grade and she began working with him. I think I understood this more b/c they were working together and it worked well with the whole family theme. This is where you and John will excel as well. I admire you for taking advantage of the advertising and making a life for yourself doing what you like. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!
By the way, I just know you're watching Deal or No Deal tonight. Addictive, isn't it?

Feminism is about having a choice. It's not about being forced to work in a job instead of being forced to work at home.

My parents have traded the working duties throughout my life. My dad worked until I was 5. Then my mom got a job while he got his PhD until I was 12. Then we moved out of the country for my dad's job, so my mom stayed at home (lack of work visa). We moved back to the US and they both went to work. I think it's great to have a parent home while a kid is growing up. I appreciated having both of my parents around at different points--I got to know them both really well as individuals.

I think it's great you're able to stay home with Leta :) What a lucky little girl!

My mom worked, often more than one job in order to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, while my father worked and drank a little too much and purchased things like CB radios and new televisions with the mortgage money. Divorce fixed that. Of course, then Mom had to work even more. She still works and is itching to retire, but that will likely never happen because she's always helping her kids out of financial binds. I fully expect to have her living with me when she's unable to take care of herself anymore, and as a SAHM (beginning to WAHM,) I know it's a privlege to be able to do that for her if the need should arise. She always put her children first, even though she had to work outside of our home.

Her example helped me to see how lucky I am to be able to make the choice to stay home with my kids as much as I have. I did work for several years when Tyler was in grade school. I think she would have chosen to be there more if she could have.

I hope my daughter lives in a world where she's able to make the choice that is the truth for her, and where people won't judge her harshly no matter what she chooses. That's the world we live in right now. I wave my middle finger at somebody every day.

Happy Blog Birthday!

First of all...Happy Anniversary! I've only been reading your blog for the last year and enjoy every post. You say out loud what so many of us are feeling. You have made me laugh and cry all in the same day. Today's picture of Leta dressed by dad, made me laugh out loud.

I'm a single mom by choice who goes to work in an office every day. My little girl goes to day care and these choices work for us. I have great admiration for all mothers, regardless of whether they stay at home or work out of the home. I'm always disheartened when I see women bickering about how their lifestyle is better than someone elses.

My mom was a kindergarten teacher and elementary school librarian. I loved going into her classroom when I was little. It made me feel so important. I went to after school daycare and was a latch-key kid (you could walk home alone in the 70's living in Utah). I think by having a mom that worked showed me that moms could get up and go to work and still show immense love for their kids. I never doubted my mom's love for us. I hope my little Olivia feels the same.

What I would hope for my daughter is that she has a strong sense of self. That she's couragious and doesn't sit on the sideline and watch life pass her by. That she'll know it's okay to take risks and make mistakes and that I'll always love her. I also hope that she realizes that what ever happens in the 8th grade isn't the end of the world.

My mom was a SAHM. She married at 21 but didn't adopt me until she was 28. What did she do for seven years, you ask? She and my dad were farmers until about a year before I was born when they went belly-up. She occasionally worked a part-time job when my sister and I were older and could be left at home alone with my rather inept dad but for the most part, she was home. Looking back now that I have my own child, I don't know that she was a very happy mom. There were always issues with my dad, money was tight, her own mother was super strict. I never felt, as the first born, that I lived up to her expectations. In talking with my sister now (who has 5 children of her own), we both agree that Mom wasn't always emotionally available for us and perhaps even resented the hard work that staying home with your kids entails. Life was never easy for her, and still isn't for various reasons, all valid, but we both feel that she viewed being a mom as a "job", not as something to be enjoyed. Don't get em wrong, she loves us more than anything and would do anything within her power for us, but I don't know that she enjoyed the process. If I could change anything about what she did it would have been for her to be more available to us. I don't remember her playing with us often, or just hanging out. Maybe she did and I'm repressing memories but my sister doesn't recall this either.

I, myself, am a college (and not a cheap one at that) educated woman who chose to stay home with my child. In fact, I think choosing to stay home is what brought my child about in the first place. I got married at 30 and since my husband is about 10 years older we started trying to have a family right away. Two years later and still nothing. My job, although I loved the challenge of it, was very stressful due to office politics. My husband told me to go ahead and quit since he could support us both on his salary and I could take some time to find different employment. I quit and wham, two weeks later I was pregnant! Then he was transferred to another state and I never went back to work since we had planned, and I chose, to stay home with our son from the beginning.

You wrote exactly what I feel about the whole SAHM "thing". I know how lucky I am to be able to stay home with my son...and how many other women would love to be in my shoes. It is a priviledge to watch him grow up. Sure, there are days when I'd love to run away and I start nipping at the tequila at 2:00 in the afternoon but I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Hey Heather! My mom was partly a SAHM, partly a student. Until I was in school, she stayed at home, but afterwards I believe she got stir crazy and went back to school. She didn't really need to financially, and I did miss her some during this time.
My dad started his own business when I was in 3rd grade and she began working with him. I think I understood this more b/c they were working together and it worked well with the whole family theme. This is where you and John will excel as well. I admire you for taking advantage of the advertising and making a life for yourself doing what you like. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!
By the way, I just know you're watching Deal or No Deal tonight. Addictive, isn't it?

My mom stayed at home until I was in 6th grade. I don't remember anyone feeling obligated to explain anything to me at the time, but I think the motivation was primarily financial. I was allowed to walk home from school, let myself into the house, and sit immobile in my bedroom until my mom returned from work (not really but BOY did she try to make that happen).

I liked it because I got to be responsible for myself for the 1.5 hours I was home alone. Of course we didn't have no Internets then, either. But I felt very grown-up about it.

I'm glad my mom worked outside of the home, for a couple reasons; 1) the aforementioned taste o'independence; 2) she was doing it to make a better life for our family, and I will never forget the vacations we got to take, the school activities I got to participate in, the college I went to, all because of her income; 3) I learned that a woman should be able to take care of herself -- whether she chooses to stay home or work elsewhere or whatever. Life happens quickly, and you need to be prepared.

Children aren't part of my plan, but if that changes, I would want my daughter to know that it's up to her.

My mother worked at times and didn't work at other times. I am told I was excited when she announced she'd stop working for a while after my sister was born, but I only remember being excited about visiting her at work. Does this mean anything? Probably not.

I hope that, if I have a daughter, she is like my parents, and enjoys her work, most of the time, and knows how to balance it with having a life -- be it having children, having pets, volunteering, or watching a lot of tv.

My mom worked sometimes, and sometimes she didn't. Although money was always tight, my dad gave her the option to do what she wanted, when she wanted to. For a while she ran a daycare out of our home, which gave her the ability to be home with us for a while. My mother wasn't educated past high school, but she worked hard at the jobs she did have.

I went to college, and always thought that I would be a working mom. But now, as these things get closer, my thoughts have changed. I'm getting married in October, and my fiance & I have agreed to start a family shortly after that. If we are financially able, I will definitely stay at home...or at least work something out so that I can work part-time. The nice thing about it is that these days, a lot of jobs are willing to work with you and your family, and hopefully I will have that chance.

Those of us who will be (or are) lucky enough to be able to spend time at home with our children should be truly thankful that we can make that decision on our own...

I just want to say once more that being a stay at home mom is a JOB. And one not everyone is cut out for. Some people make good lawyers, some doctors, some the cashier at walmart. We are not all the same, so we can't all do the same job. My mom didn't stay home and thank God. She managed to do enough damage in the little time she was there. Being a stay at home mom is something people should make sure they are qualified for. "Can I have the patience?" "Am I a good teacher?" "Can I manage to not be lazy, EVER, and get up at 6 o'clock everday, even on weekends and do this?" Please know yourself and be honest...that would be my message to my children...(I have boys, but lets hope in 20 years being a stay at home PARENT will be the discussion and not just Stay at Home MOMs.)

PS Thanks for everything Heather. Your honesty helps people everyday!!!

You do really wonderful things with this site. Don't ever stop.

What did your mother do? She was a schoolteacher which meant she stayed long hours teaching other kids and being there for other kids while sending me home to fend for myself and keep myself company.

Did your mother stay at home? No.

Did she work? Yes.

And how did you feel about what she did? She was a good teacher. She wasn't a good mother, so it was best she did what she loved.

If you could change anything about what she did what would that be? Nothing, the choice was hers and neither of us could be where we are today without the experience of having each other in our lives.

Also, what do you hope your daughters grow up to do? Whatever she wants, however she wants it, for however long she wants it, exactly how she wants it.

Thank you Heather! It's always a treat when you open up comments.

My mother was a SAHM and freelance fiber artist (spinner, weaver, Renaissance woman) until I was about 10. I always say that I would have been a totally different person if she had been working full-time when I was a kid - just having her around kept me from feeling even more lonely and isolated than I already did in primary school.

Once we moved and I started junior high, Mom worked as a telemarketer and quickly developed a massive case of carpal tunnel complete with huge workman's compensation settlement. Now she has some permanent hand disability and stays at home again, taking care of her animals and doing the same Renaissance woman crafty things she did when I was growing up. I've moved across the world, so I don't get to reap the benefits of having full-time Mom access anymore, but I think I had her around for the most important, formative years of my childhood.

I think if I could change anything about my mom's decisions, I'd encourage her to stay at home longer - even if just to avoid the medical problems. I was a "good girl" in high school and doubt that having my mom around more would have made me a better person at that point.

As much as I feel strengthened by having had my mother around when I was young, I am at odds with my instincts to stay at home for my own potential children. I'm finishing my PhD this year and getting married in 2 weeks, and on some level I would definitely feel like I was wasting my (academic) education by not following my career. But...if that's going to make my future kids more likely to become axe murderers, or raise the chances of having a broken marriage or family, I'd give up the career in a heartbeat. My attitudes towards even the thought of having children have changed so much in the past few years that I can't even begin to contemplate what I'm going to want to do.

If I have daughters, I'd want them to make their own decisions - of course! I think we can't escape our upbringing. If I stay at home, and they turn out well, (or if I work and they hate it,) they may be more likely to stay at home for their own children.

Keep up the great work, Heather.

Congratulations on your Wood (heh) site anniversary, Heather.

My mom stayed at home with my brother and me until I was in 7th grade, at which point she took a job as a receptionist for an asshole dentist in our small Midwestern town. It was meant to be a temporary gig so my parents could put away some extra scratch for their kids' college expenses down the road. For years and years, she felt good about her decisions, both to stay home when she could and to go back to work when she did. Even when she found it tiring or stressful, she'd tell me that she loved meeting all kinds of people, getting to know her co-workers, and feeling useful.

She's a sometimes scarily optimistic person, so it was rare that she ever admitted to having regrets about anything. But she once told me that she wished she'd been able to go to college and study literature. Her mother had died suddenly when she was only 16, and she spent her teen years helping her father run their household and farm. One of her brothers, a dentist, pressured her into studying to become a hygienist after she graduated high school, but she hated it and happily quit when she met and married my father. If there's anything I could ask for on her behalf, it's that she'd been able (or felt able) to go to college and study the fuck out of literature and everything else that struck her fancy. Right now, she's retired and caring for my disabled father. Maybe someday she'll get the chance to matriculate, and if that day comes, I'm going to pay every red cent of her tuition. (But no sorority dues, damn it.)

When I was growing up, I always assumed that someday I'd be a mom who would (if at all possible) stay home to rear her young'uns, after which I'd go back to being the editor-in-chief of The New York Times. No effing WAY could I have imagined marrying my college sweetheart and divorcing him at age 26, moving to a brand-new city and starting my life over again, dating a series of losers, battling and getting a grip on crippling depression, and finally getting well and meeting the person I belong with in my mid-30s. Now in my late 30s, I cycle between desperately wanting a child in these last few precious fertile years (or adopting a kidling who needs a family, if I run fresh-out of eggs) and freaking out majorly at the thought of ruining some innocent person's life by trying to parent him or her. I'm sure given our economic situation, I wouldn't have a choice about staying home or working -- I'd be back at work as soon as my maternity leave ran out. And probably spending a good percentage of every workday sobbing my eyes out. I don't know how my friends who stay home with their kids can stand not working, and I don't know how my working-mom friends can stand not spending every minute with their adorable kids. Until there's a sea change in this country where all mothers who need or want to work are able to have affordable onsite daycare or flexible hours or liberal telecommuting options or a combination of the above, the decision of whether to go back to work or not is going to remain one of the most brutal ones women will probably have to make. And that sucks six ways from sundown.

If I do get to the point where I'm able to be a mom to a daughter, I'd want to tell her what my mom told me every chance she could get: You can do absolutely anything you want to, and whatever it is you dream of doing, know that I am here to help you and support you and love you.

Heather is right -- feminism is about choices. It's also about saying that women can put their families first and still have other skills, interests, and dreams -- Heather is a perfect example of that. Having a life that includes, but is not limited to, children does not necessarily mean a job outside the home, it can mean interests (photography), experiences (Amsterdam, skiing), and vocations (a hugely popular website!), even if the pay is shit.

This work versus family distinction is crap -- there are pros and cons to staying at home and to going to work. My mom stayed home when we were too little for school. Three kids, eight years. (Then she was a school teacher, the perfect mom job). But making "mom" your ~only~ planned vocation only worked when people had 12 kids and a life expectancy of 50 years. Even if you stay home when they are little, that's maybe a quarter of your working years. So why do people act as if women are throwing their education away if they choose to spend a few years home with their kids? They have plenty of years left to work outside the home. And who is to say that you aren't using your education when you are raising bright, well-adjusted, compassionate children? And by the same token, why do people act as if a woman should prepare ONLY to be a mom or ONLY to work outside the home? Many do both across the span of their lives, and taking some time to do one versus the other doesn't mean it's all that defines you. And as Heather points out, many women may prepare to "only" be a mom, and find that financial realities mean they have to work.

My daughter is almost Leta's age. I hope she's happy, compassionate, and loved. My dream job means working outside the home. And so we do what we have to do -- a cheaper house closer to work so there's no commute to waste time, a part-time job for my husband for more family flexibility, and always, kid first. There's lots of ways to be a great parent.

Thanks for a great website, and congrats on 5 years.

My mom stayed home with us until my youngest sibling was in first grade. After that, she worked part time and used part of her free time to volunteer in our classes (fun in first grade, mortifying in fourth) until the oldest, me, was old enough to watch the younger kids after school. I know that it was a financial burden for her to stay home, we never had much money (not that I recognized it at the time), but it was something that I look back on now and admire so much. I loved that she was home when I got home, made us snacks and helped with homework. My mom always says that she doesn't define herself by her job, and I can honestly say that this is true. I think that all she's ever wanted was for each of us to do exactly what we wanted to do. She'd be just as happy for me and supportive of me if I was a corporate lawyer, a nurse, a gardener, owned my own business, a dog walker, or whatever. And that's what I hope to be able to give my children, too. The knowledge that whatever they do and whatever they want to do, as long as they're happy, is great and worthwhile.

I discovered this website a year or so ago, and it's now a part of my daily life. Thank you so much for sharing your writing, your life and experiences.

My mom didn't work outside our home for nearly thirty years. However, she has hauled butt and been working for her goals and her family the past thirty years.

I want my daughter to have choices. I want her to be respected for what choices she makes, whether she pursues a career or stays at home.

My mother stayed home with my brothers and me until my older brother went through a crippling major depression at the age of 12 and needed extra medical care (and more health insurance) and my little brother started kindergarten. I didn't understand it at the time (who does when they are 10), but my mother went to work at the worst time of her life to just try to keep our family afloat. Everything was so different before our situation necessitated her taking a job for the insurance that I refer to my mother from her first SAHM days as "my mother from my other life."

Later, when my older brother was no longer in need of hospitalization, she stayed home again.

I have always felt lucky that she stayed home with us, that we were able to have her there. My friends' moms mostly worked, but mine was there to answer questions and read books and take care of us. But, I am also proud that she was not helpless when the situation demanded that she work outside the home. She took care of us, any way she needed to.

In our situation growing up, I don't know what I would change. However, this sort of situation is something that my girlfriends and I talk about quite a bit. We have advanced degrees and the kinds of careers our mothers would have never aspired to. We were not raised the way they were, with the expectation that we should stay home and take care of our husbands and children. It's hard to know what to do.

I have done research on feminism and feminist figures through the ages while in college (often working on these papers while the kids were sleeping since I worked through school as a nanny), and I think that the most important thing that those women gave us was the freedom to choose our lives and destinies. I don't think they fought for equal rights so that we could be forced into yet another person's idea of how we should live our lives.

I do not believe that every woman should give up her career to stay home and raise children (not everyone is cut out for that line of work- just like not everyone should fly fighter planes). But to say that taking care of children, raising them to be the best people they can be, teaching them how to think and nurturing them as they grow is a waste of a college education, well, that's bullshit. Who better to raise a child than a bright, educated person who loves him or her and wants to be doing it?

If I ever have children, I hope to be able to stay home and take care them. And if I have daughters I hope that they are allowed to make the best choice for themselves, their personalities, and their temperments without being made to feel guilty or vilified.

My dad worked in upper management. My mother was home with me until I was in middle school. At that point she got a job working three days a week as an administrative assistant in a hospital, mostly because she wanted something to do. Every year I won the award for most volunteer hours, because my mother made me work as a candy striper when school wasn't in session. The money my mother made went to the shopping trips she and I took at least once a week. I learned to like the "good stuff."

When I was sixteen and looking at colleges, my mother started talking about what a perfect profession teaching would be for me - I could be home with my children when they were home, but have a fulfilling career as well. Notice that it was assumed that I would get married and have kids - it was a given that even I believed.

I quit teaching five years ago. I'm 33, I'm single, I've never been married, I am wrapping up my doctoral studies, and I have a job that is in education but in the private sector - I travel a great deal, and work 250 days per year. I just bought my first home. I have nice things, good friends, family, health. But if I'm lying, I'm dying - I constantly battle the "what if's" - what if I had married that jerk when I was 22? What if I never get married? What if I get married and have kids - what will I do with all of this education? What if I make the wrong decision?

Luckily it's a concern for another day.

I have a greater respect for the women I know who stay home with their children, rather than those I know who HAD to have a child because it was next on the checklist but can't STAND to stay home with them. It's a tough job, but from what the reader sees, you guys are doing a great job. Thanks for letting us learn with you.

My mom was a SAHM. I loved that she was always there for me and my siblings. But I remember thinking when I was in high school that she was a "lesser" member of society because she never went to college and was "just" a mom. Damn was I wrong. She was actually a very bright woman who wanted to be a teacher but married and had five kids instead (Catholic, not Mormon!).
As a college-educated SAHM, I made the choice to stay home for the betterment of my daughter. Sure I miss my workforce identity and the money, but my mom-dentity makes me proud.
When dd grows up, I want her to be a feminist like me. And happy. And funny. And a democrat. Mostly a democrat.

Happy 5th Birthday, dooce.com! I was stoked yesterday when i was going through the archives from when you lived in L.A and there were comments I hadn't ever seen before, but I'm even more excited now!

In answer to your question (sry for the rambling), my mum stayed at home with my brother and I from when I was born until my brother was in grade one (so about 8 years) then she became a member of the p&c at our school, and a teacher aide. When i was in grade five, (10yrs old) she started studying to be a teacher. One year later, my father (who was the HR manager for Queensland for in Australia Post)found out that he had a brain tumour, and then he had two strokes, within two years, and had to give up work. So my mother, who was married at 18, and worked full-time for all of five years of her life, and had no qualifications, half-way through a four-year full-time uni course, became the sole wage earner for our family...

Much to the discust of my dad's family, she refused to give up her studying and live off welfare to look after my dad. So for two years, the four of us lived on $17,000 - about 1/3 of what my dad earned - each year in a brand-new house (with two new cars) while she worked her ass off studying. My parents split up as a result of it, but mum just wanted what was best for us kids, and i'm greatful for that.

When i have kids (in many more years!), i would love to be able to stay at home with them, although my circumstances might not allow me to... I admire that you are able to do what you love, and stay at home with your family!

Congrats, Heather. You are one bad-ass SAHM. Wave that finger like you OWN it!!

My mother was a SAHM. And the best piece of advice she ever gave me was because of that status. She was totally dependent on my father. She had NO skills, unlike you. If something had happened to him, there's no telling what she and I would have done. I was also an only child.

Her piece of advice? She told me to make sure that no matter WHAT happened in my life, how many kids I had, or what kind of rich man I married, to always make sure I could take care of myself and my children, independently. She spent too many years of my youth, frightened that my father's heart condition would manifest itself in a life-ending heart attack. I vowed that I would never be reliant on a man or anyone else or any government entity to make my future. I never forgot that piece of advice - and even though I am happily married, I know that if something happened to my husband tomorrow, I could take my only child and make it. So as long as you can take care of yourself and Leta, there's no shame in your choice. It is something we all have to decide on our own. I am too independent to not have a career - something about owning my own company is invigorating, and helps define me.

Linda DID have one good piece of advice in her tome. Though I disagree with much of what she said, I agree that working mothers should think about limiting the number of children that they have. It's one of the reasons I have only one kiddo. I couldn't give her the attention she deserved and work, too. I go to every event and school party and ball game, but that's partially b/c I own my own company and I CAN. I don't have the emotional or physical energy to give my all to a passle of kids and give my all to my demanding work, so I made the only-child choice early on. (Then again, maybe I'm just limited in my abilities.) And believe me, in this lovely southern culture, I have received a great deal of criticism for not popping out a litter. Statements such as, "You're not REALLY a mother unless you have more than one kid." But I know what I am capable of handling, and I know who I am.

As for my daughter, she is proud to be an only child. And she think she may have two kids, but she definitely wants to have a career. My influence? I'm not sure. But I definitely passed on my mother's advice.

So do your thang, Heather...and remember, no one is living this life but you. You are doing right by Leta and Jon, and nothing else matters.

My mom worked until just before I was born, as an elementary school teacher. She stayed at home through my childhood and my brother's until I was 11 and old enough to babysit after school -- at which point she went back to being a teacher. I feel that the time she spent staying home with us was indeed valuable - both my brother and I were advanced once we got to school because of the attention and extra education we received from my mom. Although this was great, I don't blame my mom for going back to work, it's what she loves. She did it at the right time too; it was the moment when I started growing up and my brother was in school all day and we didn't need someone there THE SECOND we got home from school. By staying at home when we were young and then going back to work as we aged, we got the best of both worlds.

What worries me is I'm two months short of my college graduation and I'm expected to jump straight into the working world, like it and stay there and that's the end of it. And I don't want to. I eventually want to start a family and do what my mom did and maybe even change my career later. What is so bad about raising a family for a little while? To me, I think it'd be a breathe of fresh air and a chance to try something completely new. I thought the idea of feminism was to allow women the chance to take whatever risks and endeavors they wanted, same as men. Why shouldn't "taking a break" to have children be included?

Congrats on the 5 year anniversary! Thank you for your comments about making the choice to be a SAHM. I just quit my job to stay home with my 16 month old and it has changed my life for the better. I'm actually HAPPY and FULFILLED now. My job was draining me. I totally agree that it's a CHOICE and that there is no wrong or right answer.

My mother worked as a when I was very young to help my dad make ends meet, but I honestly don't remember those years. By the time I was two or three she was home, and has stayed there to this day through me and my two younger siblings (the youngest is about to graduate from high school). We wouldn't have had it any other way.

My mum was a stay at home mum and because that's all I ever knew I didn't mind. Come to think of it most, if not all, of my school mates had stay at home mums too. This was just over 20 years ago, and in the country, so if any of our mums had worked it would have been unusual.

Personally, I would go mental if I was a full time stay at home mum but I'm the only adult in my house so don't have anyone else to bounce off (only the walls) so it's a necessity for me financially and emotionally to get out of the house to work.

I don't have a daughter, but if my son gets married and he or his wife stays at home with their kid/s - good on them. I'll support them.

Happy blogiversary!!

I know I am somewhat quoting a famous woman out of history (or maybe it was a man) but the quote said, (in so many words) that the United States needs educated women to be with their children, raising them, for an educated woman will raise educated children, in turn making our country stronger. That was from around Revolutionary times.

Now, as much as I wish I could stay at home with mine, I am the bread winner of the household and have to work. I think there are also studies done, where it shows more positive benefits when a parent stays at home to raise children.

I also think it is very "un-feminist" and "female chauvanistic" to #1. Insinuate child rearing is a waste.#2. Blatantly disregard all of the men who are now chosing to stay at home.

I find her mind set to be antiquated in militant femininism from the early women's rights movement and therefore completely off base and invalid.

I want my daughter to grow up to be a happy, confident, intelligent, amazing, independent woman who can make her own decisions about her life. My role is to support her in anything (legal, eh, to an extent;)) she wants to do and has a passion for. If that is staying at home with 10 kids and homeschooling or becoming the first female President of the United States, I will always be proud of the woman she is going to grow up to be.

Congrats on 5 years! Wow!

This is a topic near and dear to my heart. I earned an MBA from a top 10 school in 2002. I decided to stay home and raise my son in 2005.

Why?

Because feminism has given us CHOICES. And I'm a feminist. And I realize that my choice has consequences (lower pay if I ever decide to re-enter the workforce, for starters) but so does any choice, including becoming a high-powered executive. Columnists like Ms. Hirshman piss me off because they act as if being a woman is like being in a union.

My mother worked. She STILL works. It makes her miserable sometimes, but I think she likes having a job.

We didn't mind her working. We always knew she was our mother. Pfffshaw to all that working mother guilt!

I hope for my son, and if I ever have a daughter for her as well, the freedom to make choices and the confidence to live the life they dream of.

My Mom always worked a job that she could be home when my sister and I were..and looking back i'm so thankful that she did. Just knowing she was there when we needed her was so comforting.
I have a degree and have chosen to stay home with my 2 children. I was recently asked by a friend (single man) when I was going to return to the 'real world'...I just had to laugh, because I think my world at home is as real as it gets!
So congrats to you for choosing to be among those who raise their children themselves, and don't pay someone else to do it!

"The real crime here is not that educated women are choosing to stay at home with their children, it’s that many women who want to stay at home aren’t able to because of their circumstances."

How touching that, on your 5-year anniversary, you would write a post directed RIGHT AT ME. I'm honored. Seriously, though, that is the "thing." The thing that niggles at me day after day. What modern times seem to have given me is the gift of several full-time jobs, with no possibility of excelling at any one of them. I just try to keep my head above water, it feels like, as a mother, a wife, an employee, never quite measuring up in any one arena...

My mother. Is perfect. I'm not even being flip; I think she is as close as anyone gets to that state on this earth. She stayed home with me for the first several years of my life--I understand that it was something of a sacrifice for my parents to make this possible, but that they felt it best. And it was, because holy frijoles, I was a complicated kid.

She managed this until my dad needed to go back to college to pick up his final credits (he had joined the Army with just a few hours left when he was there originally in the late 50's). The first time since having kids that my mother worked "outside of the home" was when I was 9 and my sister was 4. And I have to mention, that my dad, while going to school, was working every job he could get his hands on just to make ends meet--he was on staff at the university with the basketball team, coached at the local high school, taught P.E. at my elementary school, drove a school bus, mowed lawns, sold menswear, was a frycook...all while finishing his college career with straight A's. My mother worked full time at a real estate agency, did 98% of childcare-related duties, and 100% of the household chores, and more. And we always felt loved, secure, and cared for. There was no "unhappy phase" in my childhood. The memories of getting up late at night to use the bathroom and finding my dad sitting in a folding metal chair at a little cardboard table with a lone reading lamp in the dark living room, studying anatomy and physiology...leaning in to hug him and smelling onion rings or mown grass...and my mother, the day before payday when there wasn't much in the cupboard and no money, somehow pulling together a meal, making us so happy, and always looking beautiful and smelling like fresh cotton.

But this was supposed to concentrate on our mothers. My mother was, and is, a superwoman. She just does it all, in a way that I simply can't. I do not have the physical, mental, or emotional stamina that she had/has. She has worked full-time "outside of the home" ever since I was 9, and still is today. As a matter of fact, it was my mother's pursuits that wound up becoming the major financial support for her and dad. Several years ago, they bought the company she worked for, and I think it's fair to say that she piloted this little company to becoming the area powerhouse in its market. I never saw my dad happier than those final years of his life, when he was working "for her," as he liked to say.

Having them together in the office was just wonderful, and they were both so happy, and it's not the same without him there. So, Heather, I guess what I want you to know is that you and Jon have been given the gift (I know it wasn't "given," and that you worked your butts off for it, but you know what I mean) of a lifetime. Those last 10 years or so that my parents were able to be together at work AND at home...were just a treasure. The fact that you're getting that experience so much closer to the "starting line"...well, I just think it's amazing, and wonderful, and something to be treasured like liquid gold for as long as you can possibly manage it.

Add to the mix that you and Jon can also both be there for Leta, and well--it is just so right. Hold that finger up even higher, and celebrate what you have. I'm just proud and happy for you, and wish you as many more years of this ride as you could possibly desire. I hope I get to meet you at BlogHer. I'll be the one peeing on myself, wearing a slack-jawed stare, and if I manage to speak at all, sounding EXACTLY like you do on your recent "You got th'internet on that thang?" sound clip.

Much love, much success.

I, being the first child, was a latch-key kid from the ages of 7 to 9. Post pre-school my mother did not have the best of luck finding reliable and affordable daycare, and after a couple of scary and frustrating incidents with this, she chose to become a stay-at-home mom. Since then, she has give birth to four more children (all that extra time at home paid off for Dad) and is still choosing a life as the ‘house mom’ over other options since presented to her.

However, I know there is a part of her who would really like to be able to join the workforce again. The youngest is now 10, and her days are slowly but surely becoming more open. That and the pressure to save up for eventual retirement of my father - they are both in their mid-forties - I know stress her in this direction more and more everyday. But she has been out of the workforce for almost 20 years now and feels uncertain her experience and education will hold its own against her peers, and even worse yet those who are younger than her that she now has to compete with for jobs.

And I know this is a concern of many of my peers as well. We want it all too – career, family, etc. But there is such pressure against taking this time ‘away’ many of us are uneasy about making a similar leap.

-Again, thanks Heather. Love your website. You will never know how much your honesty and openness has affected and touched my life. :)

My parents both worked; my dad is a welder in a factory, but my mother is a director at a local blood donation center, and she brings home most of the money.

When we were kids, Mom worked like crazy but she always made sure to be there for special school events and such. I wasn't a particularly needy kid, so being with babysitters didn't bother me. I was really inspired, though, by the way Mom was so assertive and smart, making tons of money and earning national respect in a traditionally male-dominated field.

I'm a journalist at the local newspaper, but I've arranged my hours so that I'm home with my son during the day, and work in the newsroom at night. I love being with my son, and I feel like I have a lot to teach him when we're together, even though I'm not much of a housewife (read: I can't even remember where the vaccuum cleaner is).

What does it say about our society that we think only dumb-asses are fit to raise small children? I mean, it does require some finesse.

Besides which, having worked in a daycare, I have no intention of putting my kid there. Not like daycare workers spend all day feeding kids Twinkies and Doritos and slinging them around by their ankles, but it's just not the same kind of loving attention you get with a one-on-one situation.

My mom didn't work when I was real young, but then she did after I was in school. I really appreciated the time she spent with me when she was home.

And by the way, I totally agree with you. There is nothing more feminist then making the choice that you want to make and not letting anyone else tell you what to do.

My mother passed away too young; she was 31 years old, and I was just about 3 at the time. But, she wanted to go back for her doctorate in English after my sisters and I were in school full time.

My step mother, who married my father when I was 6, worked full time. I am not exactly sure if it was by choice, though. My father made enough dough to support us, but it was step-mom's job that provided the health benefits for our family. I remember that she was very tired and angry a lot of the time. Sometimes I wonder if she bit off more than she could chew by raising 4 children and working full-time. Other times, I wonder if it was just her personality that made her act the way she did. If I could change the bitterness and perceived resentment that permeated my childhood by changing my mother's work situation, I would do it in a heart beat. But, something tells me that I would have experienced the same sort of upbringing no matter what she was up to on a day to day basis.

I don't have any children yet, but if I do, I hope they do whatever makes them happy. I have my Ph.D., and I will happily stay home with my children, if the finances permit me to do so...

Comments open! You are a brave, brave woman, Heather.
Congrats on 5 years. Isn't that ancient in the world of blogging?
My mother taught at two different colleges part-time. This allowed her to be home in the morning to get me and my brother off to school, and be there when we got back. When we got older, we had a key to wear around our necks (I was in the generation labeled 'latch-key kids'!)
When we were in high school, she went back to art school for 4 years and dedicated herself full time to her art.
I wouldn't change a thing.

I have a 10-year old daughter. We lived with my parents for the first 6 years of her life (dad and I were never married; over before she was born, but he's 'around'). With my parents' help I went back to college to get my degree and went into a career that sucked the life out of me. I now, as of this past summer, work from home with my new husband running our own business. Being able to be here to see my daughter off to school, to be able to go to her after school sports and/or be here when she comes home: it is a gift indeed.

For women to be able to have a CHOICE is a wonderful thing, and it is awful when a woman is forced by circumstance to do anything she doesn't have her heart in, whether that be staying at home or working full time. I hope to teach my daughter to do what is best for her, and to work to keep the options open to her.

You are an inspiration in so many ways, Heather. Overcoming a serious mental illness and being honest with us about it being but one example. It saddens me that there are haters out there who begrudge you this website and the success you've cultivated. To me, you are a trail blazer--paving the way for bloggers and showing dreams CAN come true. If not with a blog, then why not with something else?
This is long, and I'm way down on the list, but I had to add my voice here. I admire you and enjoy your writing every day...I appreciate that you share yourself with us this way.
All the best to you and your lovely family.
xo

Heather, I have to say that I don't always agree with you, but that post has to be one of the best I have ever read. You speak volumes for all of us.

As a young child, my mom was a SAHM. I can remember being home with her while she worked on art projects and coming in the front door from school and having her there. My mom began working outside of the home in my later elementary school years. Through middle school and high school, her work became so important and demanding (looking back, I think she may have made it important and demanding for herself), that she wasn't a major figure in my life during those years.

I am now the SAHM of two little people. I, too, have fought through a journey of anxiety and depression, wanting to be the very best I can be for them, worrying that I'll never be enough for them. I'd like to think that my drive is my memories of my mom being home with us, but the reality is probably closer to the fact that I remember what it was like to be at home with out her so often. I don't ever want my children to think that I had something more important to do than to be with them when they need me.

As for my own daughter, I want her to become whatever she chooses. I would like to think that if she chooses to have children, the memories of her own mom will help her to decide to stay home with her children. In the meantime, I want her to become educated enough that she could support her family on her own if it became necessary. As for my son, I hope that being home with his mother will give him enough respect for his future wife to know that the SAHM is a working woman as well.

I had a little bit of both. From birth to the age of 5, my family was on a traveling circus, so I experienced the 'stay at home mom' thing. It was good, I guess. When we moved to Florida, my mother went back to school and worked two jobs to pay for it. Because I'm extremely independent, I tended to enjoy the latchkey kid phase a little more. It could be argued, however, that I was confident and independent because I'd enjoyed the benefits of a stay at home mom when I was younger.

I think either way, parents who love and support their kids are what's important, regardless of if they're choosing/able to stay at home or if they choose/are forced to work to support their families. I'm 18 weeks pregnant, and I'm fortunate to be in a situation where I'm able to stay at home with my first child (attending school 3/4 - full time) and I'm pleased and excited about that.

In addition, I think that woman needs to shut her pie hole and stop insisting that if a woman doesn't decide to work 60 hours a week, spend another 10 in the gym, run triathalons, and put in an additional 5 hours a week chipping away at the glass ceiling she's not living up to the ideals of feminism.

Hi Heather!

My mother worked full time. Sometimes 3 jobs just to keep food on the table for my brother and myself. I regretted not having her around most of my childlife, but looking back, it has only helped me be the independent woman I am now. I have never had to ask her for money (well, once, but it was for some really cute shoes that I just had to have and couldn't wait till payday!) but I will always ask her for her continued love and support. I can count on those.

When I had my daughter 9 years ago, I went back to work right after the federally recognized 12 weeks (have a bit of a beef with that short amount of time, but that is a different discussion) and after 2 months, that arrangement was not working for us. I stayed home for 3 years; my husband working crazy hours while I part-timed as a nanny to give my daughter someone else to play with and earn some grocery money. I went back to work just as she was entering pre-school and it was a great choice for our family to make.

Now that I am pregnant with our second child- I know- what a spread in years!- I am making the decision, again, to remain in my current work role. I may end up changing my mind the end of this year, but that is my choice to do so. I have always said to my mom friends who choose to stay home, yet contemplate working away from the home, a woman needs to have balance in her life. That is exactly what you have, Heather, and what I believe that I have in my life right now. Motherhood consumes us, but it does not have to be all consuming. Without the balance of home life, personal growth successes (ie, your blog), postive relationships, how can one raise their child to well rounded? I am still amazed that though my own mother did not have this in her life, at least one of her children ended up OK. (Did I mention that my brother is an ex-con?)

I grew up watching the workaholic, always struggling side of motherhood. I hope that my children grow up to see the balance that our lives have to offer, in part because of choice.

I also want my children to grow up with the knowledge that they can do whatever they want- within the confines of the law- to make them happy, and to never ask me for money.

hey dooce chick- my mom worked for the school district and then at a jr high school (not the one i went too) while i grew up. i didn't and don't know any differently and never cared that she worked. it doesn't seem to have affected me as an adult at all. i don't wish she would have stayed home with me or anything like that.
and i hope my daughter (when i have one) grows up to do whatever she wants to do. i wouldn't stay at home with my son all day because i do NOT have the patience for that shit- don't know how any of you do! lol.. i NEED to get out. if i had to stay home all day, everyday with the kid, i think i would go insane. some people just aren't built to stay home. i'm definitely one of em.

Dear Heather,
My mom did both. She was a SAHM until my sister and I were in school, then went to law school when I was six. She was a Southern femininist-I know I can trust you to understand what that means. For those of you who weren't raised in the south, that means you can support the ERA, support yourself and your children in what was then (1980's) a man's job (especially in Texas), and still wait on all the men in your family at dinner, and do the dishes afterwards. My parents split when I was 7, so then my mom was a working single parent as well. She always told me that feminism was about being free to make the choice that was best for you, no matter what that was. I always appreciated the fact that she was home for us when we were little, and she always said that it was one of the best decisions she ever made. No one supported me more when I decided to stay home with my daughter when she was born. I only hope to give my kids that kind of stability. Dedicated to my mom, Susan Lee Voss, former Assistant Attorney General, State of Texas; Former City Attorney, City of Austin; Municipal bond lawyer extroardinaire. Wish you were here to see your grandkids.

My mom worked outside the home the first couple years of my life, but once she had my brother (and then another brother, another one after that, and then a sister), she worked at home. She always had some kind of home-based business, so she could earn money yet still be there for us.

This definitely had a big influence on me. I haven't been lucky enough to be able to have children of my own, but if by some miracle I am able to conceive, I hope to be able to do the same. I've realized that I greatly value my independence, and I think I would have a hard time not earning money, but I also wouldn't feel right about having a child and handing it over to someone else to raise. I like my job, and would miss coming to work every day, but I could certainly give it up for the few years that my children are growing up.

I'm waving my middle finger at Linda Hirshman too, and I don't flip people off too often, except when they cut me off on the freeway. Cause that's a totally flippable offense.

Hey, Heather. Your site is way better than syphilis. I read it every day.

First, I feel like I should say that I am in total agreement with you on the whole SAHM thing. That said, I should also say that there is an unfortunate, albeit small, handful of women who do not make the choice to stay home based on the desire to be there for their children, but rather as an excuse to shirk their responsibilities as a productive member of society. You may be thinking, "What the fuck is she talking about?", and to answer that, I have to sadly say, "I'm talking about my own mother."

I'm 25. I have three brothers, aged 22, 13, and 12. When it was just my 22 year-old brother and I and we were 6 and 3, my mother worked. She was never home because she went to night school and spent a pretty fair portion of her free time trolling bars for a man who'd want to marry her along with her two children. I may sound a little bitter, but honestly, it sucked. We barely ever saw her except in the mornings before we went to school, or at night to be introduced to whatever sketchy dude she happened to be involved with at the time. I remember thinking then that I would have given anything to have one of those moms that's home all the time and makes you awesome lunches for school and puts little notes that say, "Have a great day, I love you!" in them and even hand-sews your Halloween costumes. But we didn't, and that's okay. In retrospect, I totally understand where she was going with that. She wanted to improve our lives by educating herself and finding us a "stable" man to serve as a father figure to us. And that, obviously, is commendable.

When I was about 8, she remarried to her current husband. She continued to work all the way up until she got pregnant with their first child; I don't remember what she did, but it was always something. Then she went on maternity leave and never looked back. She kept saying that she was going to go back to work afterward, but that never ended up happening. My new brother was born and it turned out that he was autistic, which mostly just solidified her reason to stay home. I completely understood that. Another brother came, she continued to stay home. He was terribly asthmatic and she was afraid that if she worked, she'd end up losing her job if she ever had to deal with an emergency situation with him, so she stayed. And those are two very legitimate excuses, I guess, but I have sort of always viewed them as excuses. She now uses both of those things to define every aspect of her life, and with my brothers now being 12 and 13, and although one brother is still autistic, he's totally high-functioning enough that he doesn't need to come home to my mother coddling him every day after school. She also uses their respective "disabilities" to milk SSI money from the government, and her household has been on welfare for as long as I can remember, even though my stepfather works a perfectly full-time job. I won't say they're financially comfortable, but they definitely would be if she would just get off her ass and get a job instead of spending every dime of their disposable income on bronze toilet-flush handles with matching faucets and plungers on eBay.

If you ever bring this up to her and suggest that she get a job, she freaks out. She feels like she NEEDS to be home with her family, even though she spends probably 80 per cent of her time at home alone watching talk shows and applying mascara and scouring eBay for useless crap. Sure, the house is clean and well-decorated, but I don't remember the last time she had dinner on the table before 9:00 p.m., which is kind of ridiculous if you're home all day long with no one to interrupt whatever it is she's doing. I also find it personally offensive because I moved back home last year to kind of financially regroup and get my shit together and, because she refuses to get a job, I am required to pay them almost half of my weekly paychecks to help pay their mortgage and support their household. And it's not like I don't want to help out, of course I do. But it's like, I need to be able to save for myself, which I can't do if I'm paying them like $600 a month while she's sitting on the internet all day buying weird apple-shaped stained-glass windows and tacky Fingerhut comforters with money they could use for, I don't know, FOOD. Or, you know, their mortgage.

I guess what I'm saying is that I totally support the concept of women staying at home to be with their children, in fact, I hope to be able to do it myself someday, but not when it's just a pathetic excuse to be a recluse and/or let someone else support you when you're not even really pulling your weight otherwise. Wow, that was one hell of a long sentence.

Anyway, kudos to you, Heather. I don't care what anyone says, I think you're doing a great job and I'm sure that Leta is already a shining example of that.

Love,
Francine.

p.s. I don't have syphilis.

Ask people to talk about their mothers and this is what you get!

My mother stayed home with the three of us until we were in high school. This was from 1962 - 1979 or so. During that time she also got a nursing degree, but we rarely noticed her not being at home. When I was in high school she started a part time job, I think to get away from the house, from us, and from our dad. She needed something of her own.

She only held that job for a few years, during which she and my dad were separated and contemplating divorce. When they got back together she went back to being the "housewife".

I have worked full time since I left college, and now I have a 12 year old and a 7 year old. I have always felt strongly that I wouldn't be a good mom (my mother was excellent - funny, creative, instructive) and that my kids learned so much by being at their very good daycare.

For the last three years my husband has stayed home with the kids, and I've noticed a whole different quality to their lives, and to their relationship with their father.

By chance, I ended up with a month off this fall, and discovered that I, too, enjoy staying home! I have to admit, though, that it is easier now than it would have been when they were littler, because they are both in school all day.

I admire any woman who can stay home and lovingly care for their child/ren with humor and grace. I think it's more than I could have done. And I also admire the women who work - by choice, or necessity, outside of the home also, while still maintaining a good relationship with their kids. Both sides take tremendous energy and courage, patience and humor.

I don't think I wish that my mother had done anything differently as a stay at home mom. Looking back now, as an adult with an appreciation of how hard she must have really had it - I wish that she could have done more for herself. I wish she had been able to spend more time on herself and less time worrying about my dad leaving her. I wish she could have felt more proud and satisfied of/with herself for staying at home - or for going and working if she had really desired.
For my daughter, and my son (though that's loaded and politicized in a whole different way), I hope that they can do whichever they want. They will be fortunate to be able to stay home - and they will be fortunate to be able to work outside the home and pay for daycare, or for another parent to stay home. I hope this discussion is completely unnecessary by the time they are ready to have their own children.

My mom worked before I was born and then changed professions and became a stay at home mom -- I'm glad that she did. Children who experience the comfort and availability of their parents feel a desire to give back to the world -- Children who experience undue separation and unavailability of their parents mistrust or feel entitiled to take from others.

I agree, and have since I saw an interview with the author. I think she's trying to create a huge controversy in order to sell books. And if she makes a million dollars... want to bet she stays home to write?

Sure, she's pissed me off. I've chosen to stay home with my baby, and I'm certain I've made the right choice for my family. As do women who choose to work. What makes it right is that it's a choice.

My mother worked, but she worked nights, while my Dad was home, and slept while my sister and I were at school. The best of both worlds for the kids, but my mom might have been exhausted.

My daughter? She'll choose whatever is right for her family when she grows up, and I'll support that choice, and her right to make it.

My mother worked the entire time I was growing up and I firmly believe this was the best for our family. Would I have loved to have a stereotypical SAHM? Yes. Would I have loved to have MY mom stay at home? Absolutely not. A large part of my mother's identity and self-esteem was tied to her job, and she was never interested in being a super involved mom. She would have been miserable at home.

Now that I'm a mom, I have chosen to stay at home and my mother DOES NOT GET IT. She keeps telling me I'm wasting my potential, my education, my life. What she doesn't understand is that it is not about the abstract question of what is the best choice for a woman. It is about what is best for each individual woman. For her personality, working was definitely the best choice, both for her sake and her kids (miserable mom = miserable family). For my personality, I hated my boring, brain-numbing job and the ass kissing it required. And I love seeing all the amazing changes in my daughter every day.

You know what the fundamental problem is? (Yes, you probably do. And I know you didn't ask.) It is that "women's work" isn't valued. I can guarantee that working at my corporate job was just as much of a waste of my education. In an article I read about Linda Hirshman, she laments that women's work is all about the dirty work that no one respects and that's why it is a waste of a woman's education: housecleaning, diaper changing, feeding. But that's not what defines a SAHM. I can hire a housekeeper, a mother's helper, and a private chef (and those well-educated New York women Hirshman uses as an example probably have enough money to) and still be a SAHM. She misses that having your mother at home is valuable in itself, that family caring about family is valuable. Compare it to end of life care: would she rather be in a nursing home where all her needs are met but none of her family ever visits, or would she rather be taken care of at home by family (or alternatively, in a nursing home but with frequent visits by family)?

I understand the practical risks: loss of income, loss of prestige, and, given the high divorce rate, a big possibility that a woman could be royally screwed in the future. Those are all real arguments for staying in the work force. But to not recognize that the intangible benefits of staying at home are worth something to some people, it makes it hard for me to take Hirshman seriously.

Sorry for usurping your comments section. It's a subject close to my heart. =)

As a youngun (17 looking at 18) and a huge wacko feminist already, I completely agree with your methodology. It's all about the choice, that's what I'm saying; it'd be a whole new argument if Jon hadn't given you a choice but to stay home with the child womuuuun!

My momma worked on an assembly line when she was pregnant with me, but quit afterwards and remained a stay-at-home mom until after my sister turned two or so, when she worked a part-time job at a greenhouse. Then came The Divorce, when she was forced to work full-time because we were never very well off with only my dad working, anyway. With my kid sister and I to handle, she got an associate's degree and has worked FT ever since, even with her longterm spiritual husband/our fake stepfather around. She got the best of both worlds: Staying at home with her two daughters to enjoy their kidlet years and going to community college, getting that sorta kinda okay middle-class job, and me actually being proud of her (she also beat alcoholism to become the wonderful person she is today). It was her decision all along.

The one conflict was after le divorce - I was only about ten and had to start taking care of my sister because she would be at school, and there would be lots of babysitters. But it could've been much worse and we're all better off for it.

My daughters will all be involved in top-secret government work for several different countries, which is what I will tell everyone despite the reality because that's what their mummy not-so-secretly dreamed of doing. I just want to give them a less restrictive society, especially one where harpers like Ms Hirshman stop promoting female haterade because the motherly instinct is not to be denied. Plus, there are always the preteen and teenage years when, if my mother were home waiting for me every day (in lieu of setting the example that she did), I would have been much more miserable.

I've been reading your site for years and years, almost since the first post. I've hardly ever commented but I look at this thoughtful, on-topic comment as a small way of giving back. Thanks for working so hard at this.

My mom quit her job as a programmer at IBM to have me, and she didn't work again until my younger brother was in kindergarten. She worked part time, in the middle of the day, so she could be at home in the morning and when we got home in the afternoon. Like someone else said, it was a drag when I was a teenager ("Leave me ALONE, Moooooommm!") but really I'm glad she did it. Even now I don't think I fully appreciate what that did for me. I felt supported on all sides, all the time.

This might sound weird, but if I could change anything, it might be to have had my *dad* stay at home instead of my mom ... My mom seems to have had grave misgivings about giving up her career so early on; she really liked working. And our whole family now recognizes that my dad -- who became an elementary school teacher in his second career -- is much more of a nurturing type than my mom is.

Good for you, knowing what you want to do, and doing it! It's so hard for women to even know what they want, with so many people telling them what to do.

First, Happy blogiversary. That's very exciting.

Second, wow, what a topic. I think had you picked any. other. topic I wouldn't have been so inclined to comment.

My mom stayed at home. My family made sacrifices so she could stay home. I love that she stayed home, she was always there, which was really nice. There were times throughout my growing up she worked- in phases, but it never really lasted.

I am coming to the point in my life where this decision will be mine, soon. I LOVE my job- I am a social worker, and work every day to advocate for and save kids. I've worked incredibly hard on my education and career, and adore what I do. On the other hand, I really really want to be the one to stay home and raise my children (when I have them). I want both lives. And working part time, which is what I will likely do, at first feels like the perfect solution- I can be both places at once! And we can afford to eat! And live somewhere! At second glance, I feel like I'll be robbed of everything- only home part time, and at work part time, never fully experiencing either world.

This conflict? Rips at me. Never mind the fact that we'll probably need the money so it won't be a choice, and I'll have to try and explain that to my mother who tells me I need to trust God for the money so I can do the right thing by staying home full time.

I don't know what the right answer is. I'm not sure there is one.

For my daughters? I just want them to have the choice. I want them to grow up in a society where both working out of home moms and stay at home working moms are praised for the incredibly important, difficult and honorable jobs they do.

My mom was a SAHM until her youngest child (me) started school. At that point, she got a job as a teacher's aid so that she would be able to be at home once we were out of school for the day. The fact that she made the choice to stay home with her kids (and that my dad was willing to work the extra hours to make that a possibility) meant a lot--it let my brother and I know that we were their top priority.
She is a college educated woman who always made a point of telling me that I could be and do anything I wanted, so I know that she made a conscious decision to be a SAHM--it wasn't from a lack of options.

My mom stayed home, not because she had a choice, but because it was the way it was done. She had a high school education, worked before she and my dad had kids, then stayed at home. She babysat inside the home, which is, in my opinion, still staying home. When I was in high school, in my "I hate my mother" phase, I scorned her for this. I had big plans, and anyone who didn't have similar plans just SUCKED.
Then I saw my sister have nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown. Four, at last count. She is mentally ill, but exacerbating that fact is some deep need in her to not only manage the lives of her three children but keep an outside job while doing it. We have to, on a regular basis, talk her down from trying to get YET ANOTHER part-time job. It's frustrating, because when she falls down, her husband leaves the kids with family and tells them that their mom is "tired." We tell them the truth, because we always have, and because we understand mental illness better than he does. The youngest kid is 10, and they're old enough to know. If they're old enough to know their being fed a line, they're old enough to know the truth.
When we explain explain explain why she shouldn't feel obligated to have a job, we tell her this: Any one of us (me, included, though I don't yet have kids) would feel lucky if we had a husband who made enough money for us to stay home with our kids. She shouldn't throw away what others would be grateful for, especially since it puts her and her kids' health at risk.
That said: The Women's Movement was about not letting others make choices for us. It wasn't about putting outselves in charge and trying to make decisions for other people. Real feminists know that the movement was about the choice (a lesson that was really hard for me to learn when faced with the news that my 18-year-old niece wants to be a nun), not fitting into a mold. I want my daughters to do whatever makes them happy. Even (gritted teeth) if it means becoming a nun.

My mom stayed at home until I was in high school. It was really hard on me when she went to work which suprised us both because I couldn't wait to get rid of her. She went to night school when I was little and earned her degree. She chose to stay at home with me and I thank her for that decision everyday.

I unfortunately have not gotten my degree. Bad stuff happened and I left school but I will be going back in the next year. I love staying at home with my son. I did work for 5 months but it wasn't worth it. Nothing compares to watching your child grow and learn on a daily basis.

P.S. I love your site!

from 0-5, my mom stayed at home with my brothers and I. Then my dad walked out on us and my mom, who only had a high school education went to night school for years to work in the computer industry (this was early 80s).

She died 10 years ago but I was proud she got a degree and had a successful career. I hope when I have kids I can stay home but I doubt that will happen because where I live it's horribly overpriced and you can't live on one income like the folks in Nebraska (where I'm originally from).

My mother was married at seventeen, had three children by twenty-three and was divorced by twenty-five. She worked hard labor (road construction) for thirteen years so that neither my brother, sister, nor I could ever feel poor, malnourished, or unhappy. We always had beautiful Christmas mornings and travelled on family vacations. We knew not the extent of my mother's sacrifices, but we knew we were happy personally. I believe she revelled in knowing her children never really knew disappointment. She did an amazing job sheltering us from the woes of a broken family and divorce.

It was not until I entered college that I realized and appreciated everything she had sacrificed for herself, her dreams and goals, to ensure a good future for her children. She never had the option of becoming a stay-at-home mother, but she did everything in her power to keep smiles nipping at our faces.

She finally graduated from college about two years ago, during my junior year at Ohio State. I was at her graduation and cheered as she received her BS in Finance. She now makes 80+ a year working for a medical equipment manufacturer.

I believe, to her, all her hardwork has paid off. She has two daughters pursuing their dreams of becoming a doctor or lawyer, respectively, and a son that can support himself sufficiently. She was, and still is, a great mother.

I admire you own perseverance in being a SAHM. I know not the experiences in raising a child, but Leta appears to make things far more interesting and happy in life.

I hope my daughter (or son) in the future will do the same and display respect towards the personal choice of others. I think that would be my biggest hope: tolerance.

My mom worked full time until I was in kindergarten. Most of that time my dad was either unemployed or in school, so she supported the family. Once I started school my mom worked part time with really flexible hours, so she was always there when I got home from school, and always able to take a day off when I was home sick or to come on a field trip with me. When I started highschool she went back to work full time.

To work or stay home often comes down to finances, and I think she was really lucky she didnt have to make that choice - she was able to work and pursue her career, while still being available to me.

I could go on and on about the debate about whether a "real" feminist would stay at home with her kids but it's not worth getting into, here's why:

Feminism is about women making choices and doing what's best for themselves and the people around them. There is no right or wrong way to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a caregiver, or the other dozens of roles that women play in their lives, some play several roles in just one day. It's about having the choice to do whatever it is you feel is best for yourself. And any woman who would de-value the role that stay at home moms play in their families' lives is no more a WOMAN than a woman who decides to stay at home. It's about the choice.

I realize my comment isn't entirely on-topic so I'll mention that my own mom worked. I think she would have even if she didn't really need to. I see myself working outside the home at least part time when I have children, though there are lots of ways to work outside the home without actually leaving your house!

I think it's really neat that you've found a way to use blogging to attain your ideal family/work balance. I'm glad that you have the power to do that, it's inspiring. I essentially get paid to look at blogs all day and it's a pretty sweet deal.

Viva la blog, I say.

I salute and join you in waving the finger at Linda Whatsername. Feminism should be about choice. Odd how she, a woman, has made a career of judging other women - and doing it in the name of feminism.

My mom worked as a teacher (o.k. school librarian) once we went to school so she kept the same hours as we did. When I was in high school she went back to school, got her MBA and became a super MEGA consultant for one of the big five firms. (You have to keep in mind that she had me when she was 18... so - plenty of time to fit it all in.)

I work from home and both my son Owen and daughter Ruby are in daycare full-time, but I have the flexibility to respond when they are sick, etc. I thought I would want to be a stay at home mom when I was pregnant with the first one, but it turned out not to be true. Needed time to myself and time to "check things off a list" - so I'm super ANAL - can't help it.

One of my favorite husband quotes EVER is that before we were married he said, "If we get married and have kids, and one of the kids is a daughter, and she turns out to be a lesbian... I will be SO PSYCHED!" I love this man.

On the same subject - GAY CHILDREN - Do you have THE Music Class in Utah - It's a brand or something, but with a kind of ridiculously unoriginal name. Anyway - it's this expensive weekly introduction to music and my gay male friends are so excited because Owen spends each Saturday morning waving a chiffon scarf around while shaking his booty to "Go West" by the Village People. My friend Jesse says I'm doing great "pre-gaying" work with my son.

So the answer to the question about hope is that we hope our children are gay… however they defines it.

Why I'm commenting, I don't know. I figure after comment #50 you've tuned out. I know I would.

Anyway, here's my story. My mother did both: stay at home with us and work. She did the former before the latter. When my brother and I were old enough to be left parentless for a few hours a day she returned to school and got an Associates in something general that I don't recall, then after that she worked. My parents were still together through this process and my father made enough to support the family so this was her choice more than anything.

I figure she just wanted to get the hell away from my brother and I. Who knows.

My parents ended up going their separate ways but we all get along much better because of it. Some marriages simply aren't meant to be.

Now, as for what I want my DAUGHTER to grow up to be... At what point did SONS drop in the food chain?

(Don't mind me, I'm just being a dork. My wife and I have no children, nor do we plan on having any. So I guess the question does not apply regardless of the gender.)

Holy comments batman. Still, I couldn’t resist chiming in.

First, even though you didn’t ask, good call on Linda Hirshman. My middle finger is right on up there with yours. Oh, I know, I know. Let’s all combat years of repressing women by trying to force them into doing what we want them to do and being who we want them to be. Great idea Linda. No, no, it’s not repressive at all.

1. My mother stayed at home. (And if I can, that’s what I plan to do to.)
2. I thought she was built out of thin air by God, specifically and wholly to attend to my every need.
3. If I could change anything I’d tell her to do more things for herself, sooner in life. Until a few years ago she was a wife and a mother. Period. Now, she goes dancing, she writes smutty stories and posts them on the Internet, she buys herself clothes with sequins.
4. About what I want my daughters I’ll say something my father said to me once: “As long as you don’t dance on tables wearing red garters, you can do whatever you want.” But if you mean stay at home mom versus career woman I’ll have to say, well, it’s kind of the same message. It’s up to them what they want to do but I’d be rooting for SAHM. Same reasons I want to do it-it’s a healthy thing for the whole family to have the kids raised by a full-time parent.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom when I was little then worked part time as a home/hospital teacher when I was in school. She still does the same thing now that my lil brother is in middle school. Personally, I loved and still love it. She was always home for rec sports and when we came home from school. I wouldnt change a thing about what she did especially all that she did for me to get me to this point in my life (college).

If I have daughters, I wish they do whatever makes them happiest in life.

Congrats on 5yrs dooce! Love the site!

My Mom had to work. She and my Dad divorced when I was 3. I don't really have bad feelings about her working. I just wish that she could have been more relaxed, but I understand why she was so stressed.

My mom worked for a number of years, right up until we kids were born, and she never went back. It was wonderful having her around, and we're all fairly close. She's certainly one of my role models. However, now that I'm older and facing work myself, I confess that part of me selfishly wishes that she'd worked a bit when we were older, so that I could have had that model as well. (She considered it, and I think also regrets slightly that decision for her own reasons, but ultimately "never got around to it.")

Lomg time reader.
Thanks for opening this up to comments, because I hate it when people comment on choices Moms make. It is an individual decision that is up to each woman.
My Mom was an RN who worked the graveyard shift 5 nights a week, came home every morning, drove us to school. She would come home and go to bed around 9 am, wake up at about 1 pm, do the shopping and cleaning, pick us up from school, cook dinner, and go back to bed about 5pm until 10pm, and start all over again. I had the best of both worlds, a Mom that worked and seemed to be a stay at home Mom. She would have stayed home if she could of, but my parents were part of the 2 income trap. I am not planning on having a family, but both things sound good to me. My sister in law stayed home for awhile, and now works part time out of the home.

I loved how my Mom did it. She had to work, and I went into nursing because of her career choice. Nursing is one of those careers the enables a Mom to do both. I have worked many graveyard shifts, though, and she was a saint, because I could not come home to kids after pulling that off. She said she would have loved to work less because she was always so damn tired, but she liked the flexibility of doing both.

Motherhood is a full time job no matter how you slice it, and kudos for you for being there to witness the whole thing live and in person. It is a choice, a personal choice, and poo poo to those asshats that think anything bad about either choice. If I did have kids, I think I would probably really want to stay home. Thanks for opening up the comments.

Love your candor, honesty, humor, and your blog. You kick ass!

My mother also worked because she had too. She was a single mom and that was how it had to be. I can't imagine not working because that is what I was always around, even on the days I came home to an empty house or when she would have to go in in the middle of the night (she's a nurse). I hope I will be lucky enough to be able to stay home with my kids, but if I can't, I don't think I will be hurting them. You do what you have to do.

Thanks for opening up comments!

My mom stayed at home... she had four kids, and the first two were identical twins when she was 21 (can you say holy shit?), so she didn't really have many options at that point. However, she was very bright and ended up going back to finish her undergrad degree when we were all in at least elementary school. She got a teaching degree and taught for awhile, but then missed being at home. Funny thing. She gave it up and I think she was really fulfilled b/c she accomplished it for herself, but then realized she made the right choice -- for her family-- and returned home. Sometimes I wanted her to be professional (mostly when I was 13, evil, and thought she should get a life), but I am so happy with the defnition of a mother I was given.

I had big plans to be some sort of high powered something. I was working on my PhD and I had a really great job in instructional technology at Penn State that I was very good at before Madeline. But after she was born, I completely lost my mojo. I wasn't into it at all... and the stress of balancing my plans for motherhood with the workplace "rules" that are developed by old crusty white males really sucked. So I gave it up. But I think the big difference -- and it is something that Hirshman doesn't understand -- is that many of us have just given up traditional workplaces and times. But we still have careers and jobs. We are not betraying feminism. How could we be when so many are consulting, writing, blogging, etc.? My God, Heather you are an amazing example of someone who is supporting her family with your dream job. Just because it doesn't involve putting up with outdated models of work doesn't mean it is somehow not worthy. Beyond that, I would have to exchange words with her if somehow she thought my mother made the wrong choice by being devoted to me -- job or no job. It's the hardest thing I have ever done.

For my daughter... hmmm. On first thought, I want her to use her brain and be happy (two things that are completely intertwined for me). If that involves working for a Fortune 500, fine. But, I think she is more likely to be a Vegas showgirl. She loves to sing, dance, and tried to french kiss me the other day.

My mother stayed at home as long as she could, but then we needed money so she went to work. She got good jobs and was always proud of them. I was one lucky kid, because for a while she worked at Mattel - free toys to test, rah. As soon as she didn't have to work, she stopped, which was a mutual decision for my parents.

I was glad she was able to be at home, especially when I was younger. I wish my dad had been able to be at home too. I saw how my aunt's children were poorly raised by psychotic strangers, but she didn't have a choice. One of my friends and her husband saved and saved and then had their first child and both stayed home for the first few years, living very frugally - I admired them greatly. It was wonderful to see them make such large sacrifices for something so important.

Choice is the ultimate freedom. If children were part of the picture for me, I would choose to be at home too.

My mum worked. She is a professor and she only had 6 months' maternity leave, so she had to return to her work pretty soon. And while she did tell me that she wishes she could have taken a longer leave, there is no question that she would have returned to work after a year or two.
I will work, as well. I plan to take off at least the time that my kids are nursing, or at least 6 months if, like me, they decide they hate their mother's milk after only a couple months of it. I will work not because of ethical convictions, but because, a) I really, really enjoy working outside the house and, b) I think I would enjoy coming home to my kids with stories about my day more than spending the entire day with them.

Happy 5th Anniversary to you.

My mother stayed home with both my sister and I throughout our entire childhood. I wouldn't have changed a thing...it was so reassuring to have a parent around all of the time.

Unfortunately, like you mentioned, many women don't have that choice. When I have my son in August, I will continue to work because my husband and I choose to live in coastal Southern California where dual incomes are a necessity (as I'm sure you remember). So many choices for families to make...you can only hope they turn out for the best.

My mother was what has been termed a “trailing spouse” in the academic profession. After she and my father completed their respective PhD’s, it was my father who was offered a tenure-track position teaching genetics and microbiology at a university in central Florida. My mother was given an office and a lab, but no chance to earn tenure. She taught sporadically, when positions were available to her (these were usually junk classes like “The Science of Star Wars,” a class she dutifully taught despite the fact that her field of expertise has nothing to do with Star Wars, space, or made-up space science). She made the best of the situation, put the necessary research and care into putting together a curriculum, and, almost invariably, she would arrive at the first day of class to a room full of lazy, unmotivated shits just looking for an easy A. When she failed to provide that, callously expecting her students to put forth some measure of effort, they slammed her on the end-of-semester teaching evaluations. Since her non-tenure-track status offered her no job security, these (unfair) negative evaluations were used to deny her further teaching positions.

Instead, she worked her tail off, largely unaided by her department, to secure research grants and establish connections with colleagues at other universities where her work was taken more seriously. She traveled often to Central and South America to collect prehistoric sediments from lake beds, which she would then, once back in the States, analyze under a microscope, counting and identifying individual grains of ancient pollen. She could then use that data to establish what plants were growing in a given area at a given time, and, by extension, what the climate at those places was like. Paleoecologists constitute a pretty small group, but I guarantee you that there’s not one of them doesn’t know mom’s work, and probably not too many of them who haven’t enlisted her help or cited one of her papers in their own. Given the, ahem, heightened interest in global climate change, these days, that work is gaining an awful lot of attention. Unfortunately, mom didn’t live long enough to receive the individual recognition she deserved, but her contribution has been extensive, nevertheless.

In terms of her working vs. at-home life, my mother worked, despite not having a concrete, secure job. My brother and I went to daycare from the age of two or three, and then to school. My mother was an expert in an important and (then, at least,) under-acknowledged field. She opted out of the housewife/stay-at-home mom role to focus as much attention as she could to that work. Our body of knowledge has benefited greatly for that decision, and I’m happy that she made, making the most of hostile, discriminatory circumstances. I’m very proud of her, and always will be.

My parents were young and had only been married about a year when the doctor said there were twins on the way. I wasn't exactly what you'd call "planned", and since my mother is the size of a Hummel figurine my sister and I were born two months premature, which in 1982 was kind of a big deal. My sister and I both had fairly massive problems because of it (not unlike Leta's, actually, only with a lot more invasive surgery and rehab).

When I was in the rehab hospital learning how to walk at the age of six, my mother was there every single day for me, commuting an hour or more both ways. She was one of two mothers who visited every day. I firmly believe that I can walk today because my mother was always there for me. That's not to say that dad wasn't, it's just that he had to work to support us and couldn't be there every day.

So yeah, I don't think she ever regretted staying home to raise her children. Not for one second.

The first time I saw the acronym SAHM I thought it was some bastardized abbreviation of Samhain.

My mom stayed home while my dad slaved away at IBM in a suit and a tie. Dinner was on the table at 5pm sharp every night. Life was very dependable and comforting. My mother volunteered at the library one night a week. I thought she was fulfilling some civic duty to further literacy in our hometown, but as an adult I realize she just needed a break from an overactive only child. She pursued a landscaping degree as I entered high school and returned to work shortly thereafter. In my opinion, that's when she probably should've been home more...

I've stayed home with our 2 kids. Initially I claimed it was out of necessity. "Their Daddy is in the military and gone quite a lot, I can't get a decent job, we move alot". Then I realized that I wanted to be home with them. Not so much for the proudness of being there to see their first steps or hear their first words, but for something else.

I wanted to be able to claim responsibility for the type of children they would become. The tantrums, the tender moments, the early potty training, the endless bed wetting, the hugs and the hits and everything in between. Not only did the nanny not see their first steps, but I wasn't blaming the daycare provider when my son uttered a swear word at age 2.

Motherhood hasn't paid me a dime in the last 8 years, except when I sell their toys on ebay while they are asleep!

Maybe their is no "right choice", but as long as whatever you do makes you happier more often than it makes you sad, kids should turn out okay.

My mother worked as a medical assistant before she had me, and then was a stay-at-home mom until I was 10 and my brother was 6. Basically, once we were both in school. Then, she started with part-time and moved to full-time after my folks bought a house. I wouldn't change a thing that she did. As for my own daughter, I hope she does... whatever she damn well pleases, whether that's work, stay at home with her kids, never have kids, join a convent, whatever. I want her to have choices and, if she's happy, I'm happy.

My (single) mother worked outside the home. She was given the option by her parents and brother -- they thought they'd just set her up in a little house and she'd stay home with us. She declined and bought her own little house.

My mom was a waitress until my sister and I were in school (we're thirteen month apart) and then she took a gigantic paycut and went back to teaching.

We lived in this crazy all-girl utopia where everyone was involved in everything together. My mother seemed to prefer no one's company above her children's. There were certainly expectations in our house, but no formal rules or order. Mom played in the woods and we helped cook dinner. We all discussed the news, cartoons, and the minutae of everyone's days at school.

I wouldn't change anything. I had a mother who always has been genuinely happy with, and interested in herself, her decisions and her children.

My mother was an SAHM before they had a term for it. I always appreciated her being there even though I didn't realize it until in retrospect. I think that feminists were fighting for choice. That you can choose to stay home or work and either is okay as long as it works for you and your family. Thanks for allowing these comments today and happy anniversary!

Happy 5th year anniversary!

My mom was a waitress, carpenter, sales clerk, and a dozen other jobs that didn't pay much.

I never resented my mom working as I knew that she had to in order to pay the bills. What I did resent was the fact that she was hardly ever at home after work and on the weekends as she was usually at a bar with my stepdad or her friends. Not that I have anything against bars and friends, but moderation can be a good thing. She made no effort to make it to school events, sporting events or any other function that was important to me and my siblings. We didn't have dinner together, go on vacations together or even just hang out as a family. It wouldn't have mattered if she worked or not - she just had no real interest in being a mother. If I could change something about what she did, it would not concern whether she worked or stayed home - it would concern whether she demonstrated to us that she loved us and valued us and wanted to be with us.

I'm a lawyer and I have twin soon-to-be 4 year old daughters. My husband stays home with our daughters and I am thrilled that he is able to do so. I'm also thrilled that I have a job with flexibility to take off time in the middle of the day and to work at home when I feel like it. But more importantly, I am thrilled that my daughters know they are loved and wanted and they are the most important parts of our lives. In the end I don't think it matters whether I work at my office or stay at home with them, what's important is that we do what it takes to have happy and fulfilled parents who want to raise happy and fulfilled kids.

As for what I want my kids to do - Right now Sophie wants to be a princess and Bella wants to be a crab. That's fine with me. I'll support their decisions about what they want to do with their lives so long as they wake with smiles on their faces and the knowledge that they only get to live this life once and they should do whatever it is that makes happy - without regard to labels and judgments by writers who don't know anything about them.

Dude, firstly, thanks for the chance to comment. I have been reading for about a year and have read your archives. You most definently rock.

Ok, here goes, let's see if I can acutally find the words to convey what I want (bahahaha as if) ...

I am 25 and live in Australia. My mum had me when she was 16. She was not a 'typical' teenage mother but mind you my father was a useless piece of shit. She went out to work fulltime when I was 4 months old. She was adamant that she would not be the sterotype and refused to go on a single parents pension. She married my (awesome)stepfather when she was 21 and they had my sister. Again, money was very tight so she worked fulltime. We went to alot of day-care when I was younger and one of mum's biggest regrets is not being able to stay home with us. At one point my parents owned their own business and they could take my sister to work with them (when she was about 3) and Mum feels that my sister benefited from this time with them.
I don't have a whizz-bang edu-ma-cation but I have a good job. I want my partner or myself to be able to stay home with my (at the moment, hypothetical) kids. But I want my daughter/s (or son/s as well) to feel that they have a choice. There is no right or wrong choice and people who say there is just suck. I want to do what is best for my family and myself without other people sticking their noses in (but of course they will cos people suck and they think they have a right to an opinion)(and that just makes my blood boil)

My mom did a little of both - she worked part time while my dad stayed home (he worked nights) when I was a toddler and into K-garten and then when I was in elementary school, my mom worked at my school (ugh!) and then when I was in high school, she went to work full time when my dad lost his job. She was always around when I was a kid doing stuff with us, but I loved the times when she wasn't and it was just my dad and me too. Selfishly, for me I wouldn't change anything that my mom did. For my mom, she could have been anything. She's a smart gal, but she put it aside to be a mom, which as one generation passes from the earth to the next, that will be far more important than anything else she could have achieved. Self-sacrifice is a dirty word to my generation and that is really a shame.

My mother worked. She has a master's degree, and worked when she did, and didn't when she didn't. Her mother worked. Her stepmother worked. My father's mother worked.

What my mother says:

If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I'm the youngest of five. My mother has always worked full-time, but she was lucky enough to have a job adjacent to our home (not an entrepreneurial business, just a job that came with housing). She was around when we needed her, and she wasn't shy about telling us that she had work to do and we needed to get out of her office. It was great for me to see her as a professional woman, and great to have her accessible. I wish she were better (then and now) at drawing clear boundaries between her work and her life; she often lacks the energy to do the things she WANTS to do. (Three packs a day don't help.)

As a mom of young children, I often think that I want to stay home with them -- they are my most important job. At the same time, they love their preschool (3 days/wk) and their teachers provide a *different* rich and loving environment, which is great for them and it allows me to go to work with a light heart. We're lucky that we've found good care for them, and very lucky that we were able to split shifts and keep them at home for their first two years. That was what was right for our family.

What I want for my children is what I think you're giving Leta: the knowledge of unconditional love and support, and an awareness that it's possible to make a life the way you want it if you're willing to work for it. I want them to see that there is no solution that is perfect for every person, or every family.

I'd love to stay home with my kids -- but I don't think I could do it if I didn't have some kind of additional, money-making work as well. I need both. I need those options.

My mother was a teacher. She went back to work full time when I was five and entering kindergarten. Every day she would come home, tired from dealing with other people's kids, and have very little patience for her own kids.

I don't think she enjoyed her job very much, but she said once that she wanted a career, and the only four respectable careers for women back then were 1) Housewife 2) Nurse 3) Secretary 4) Teacher. She hated the sight of blood, couldn't type fast, so she went with teaching. She stuck with it, I think, out of fear of trying something new and also to get that pension at the end. By the time I was 12 I was pretty much making dinner every night.

I look back and I'm pretty sure my mom would have gone insane if she was at home all day. She didn't much like children. Ironically.

Personally I think whoever has the most earning power should be the working parent, if having a parent stay at home is important to the parents. In our house, my husband has the most earning power (PhD in Engineering trumps Master's in English every time!) so I stay at home.

I don't have daughters yet, but I will always stress two things to my daughter, if I have one, and to my sons which I have now:

1. Do what you love and the money will follow.

2. Don't let society tell you what the "right" thing to do is. See point 1.

Who better to raise a new generation of children than our best and brightest - our educated women?

Heather,
First of all, I LOVE your blog! Please don't ever stop blogging.
My mom worked, and so did my dad. They were both professors when we were little, and as a result had pretty flexible jobs, but we did have lots of child care in our lives. I LOVE my mom, and I'm really proud of her career, she is well-known in her field and very smart. I think she had the art of balance down well. I'm proud of the way she raised me, my sister and my brother, and I think those who know us agree that we turned out pretty nicely. I would only change one really crappy babysitter we had who used to make us "take naps" while she watched soap operas, but as soon as I told my parents what was up, they booted her.
I'm in medical school now, and hope to someday be able to work reduced hours as a doc to stay at home with my babies. That or my (future) husband will be a stay at home dad. I think my mom's choices shaped my belief that I can do both at once. That said, I have family members who are brilliant and are stay-at-home moms, and their children are my favorites on earth. I don't consider their brains wasted in any way. I think bottom like the most important thing is that now women CAN make a choice.
For my own (so far non-existant) girls, I wish that they would be strong and happy and fulfilled in life, like you sound right now.
Happy 5th B-day!

This is a great site--you are thoughtful and hilarious.

My mom stayed home with me and my sister--it was wonderful. I was taught to appreciate life and allowed to partake in many activities, art classes, anything I wanted to try. She was truly a giver. Thankfully my dad worked so she didn't have to, and he was always home by 6:30 PM. We ate dinner together every night as a family.

I honestly don't know if I want to have children, but if I do, I only want them to do what makes them happy and provides for a lifetime of fulfillment and joy.

My mother did not work outside the home because my father would not let her (she had been a talented legal secretary when they married in the mid '50s). Until she kicked him out for cheating on her!

Then she had to work. It was a true struggle. This was in the early '70s. Her first boss wouldn't allow her to wear pantsuits. Her second boss wouldn't let her leave work if any of us got sick at school. Her third boss was her best - she went into business for herself. We never had enough money. At one point we used food stamps - I'll never forget the taste of government cheese, or the humiliation of sitting for hours in dirty waiting rooms, applying for aid.

I loved coming home from school to find my mom there cooking supper, having a snack ready for us, asking about our day. But I hated Dad coming home, usually drunk, always angry, yelling, lying.

I missed Mom when she went to work, but I felt pretty grown up having my own key to the house (I didn't know I was a 'latchkey kid').

If I could change anything, I would have encouraged her to kick out our dad earlier and find a place of happiness for herself.

My mother was a stay at home mom, except for three times in my life: when I was an infant, when my brother was a toddler, and when she and my father separated for three years. The first two times she worked the opposite shift my father did, so we always had one parent around.

I worry about her growing increasingly bored, now that my brother is in college. I also worry about her being able to support herself if something happens to my father. She has fibromyalgia and going back to waitressing or working in a factory wouldn't be an option anymore.

I'm only 23, and don't have any children yet, but what I would want for any of them is to find a calling in life. That, and that their mom is able to stay home with them until they're in school.

I didn't complete a college degree - does Hirshman still claim to speak to me?
Two stories; my mother's and my own.
1. Young, single and pregnant in the 70's, my mother left me with my grandparents until I was 6. She went down to the big city to work until she could no longer deal with missing me, she brought me to town and we made do. I remember her driving by one day as I was on the school bus on my way to after 4 care. I was upset she seemed to be driving right by me. The reality was I couldn't have cared less WHERE we were, I just wanted to be with my mom. She got her degree when I was 14 or so and she never had the financial freedom to stay home.
2. I was a young single mom as well. Not trying to follow in my mother's footsteps. By the time my son hit 10 months I was itching to be out of the house at least part of the day. Our personalities never worked well all cooped up together, maybe I was resentful, maybe he needed more than I could give. There just seemed to be too much out there for me at the age of 23. I went back to school and worked my way to University so I could provide for my son. He's 13 now and I've finally met and married and I'm having a second child. I will try to stay home seeing as our federal government gives me 50 weeks of leave at half my pay but I can't guarantee I'm going to enjoy it. I'll make that choice later on in the next six to ten months but in the meantime I'm damn glad I have that choice to make.

Holy cow, in the time it took me to read/skim the comments they've doubled in number! By the time I finish, they'll probably triple :)

Love your blog, Leta is such a cutie.

My dad left my mom when she was pg with my brother, so she had no choice but to work. my grandma helped out for a while, so my mom could get a 2 year degree in layout design (computer chips). She worked the whole time I was growing up, and honestly, I hated it. When I was 7, she won a million dollar lottery, and yet even with 50k a year coming in from that, she still had to work to cover her spending habits (and even then, she had thousands of dollars in debt on credit cards). She worked long hours, a long way from home. We suffered through a series of mediocre to really bad babysitters. She never had time to do anything with us. The loneliness led to a lot of bad choices on my part, and even worse ones for my brother. He OD'd on drugs a few years back at the bottom of his long downward spiral. I'm on my 2nd not very good husband, but at least he brings in enough money that I can stay home with my daughter who's now 16 months.

I would have much, much rather lived a more modest lifestyle and had a mom who had time for us. I think it would have made a world of difference.

I want my daughter to be happy and confident, and as long as it's legal and doesn't involve nudity I don't care what she does. I do want her to get at least a 2 year degree, so she has more options and won't get stuck in a bad relationship for lack of earning ability.

Happy anniversary. I consider myself a feminist and a SAHM. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. The great thing about equal rights is that, like men, women can choose any path they want to take in life.

"Feminists" who claim that women MUST be out in the work force are as much male chauvinists as men who say women SHOULD only be nurses, secretaries, moms, etc. They are saying women do not have the right or the intelligence to choose for themselves.

Do what you love. Choose what you love. I never thought I'd want to choose to stay at home. We are lucky enough that I'm able to and I adore my job. I am an educated woman who walked away from a promising career and wouldn't have it any other way.

I see this as "promising" and challenging in ways that my old career never was.

My mom was perfect in every single way.

She was one of those irresponsible 19 year-olds free-lovin' hippies who got pregnant during a one-night stand at three day music festival on top of a station wagon and somehow forgot to find me a daddy So, considering the circumstances, she did what she thought was best.

When I was little, before I started kindergarten, my mom worked nights. She spent all day long with me making mud pies and flying kites and coloring and singing. There was that one time she "lost me" and let some second grader hold me captive, but I'm willing to forgive her that one. In the evenings I went to stay with a dear friend of the family who nicknamed me Tinkerbell and whom I referred to as Granny, because I didn't know any better. She always let me lick the bowl.

Once I entered school Mom switched to the day-shift so we could have every breakfast and dinner together at the table and she tucked me into bed at night. There might have been slightly less coloring and a little more dancing around to Olivia Newton John at this stage in my life, but still, rather enjoyable for a kid.

This all went beautifully until I hit about 14 and became a screaming, evil bitch and cursed my mother until I was blue in the face. I didn't see much of my mom then, yet I don't think that can be held against her. I'll take the blame on that one. I moved out at 18 and suddenly I loved her again.

About four years ago I bought a house and mom moved into our garage apartment. I guess you could say that even though she has always worked, even now that her daughter is almost 31, she's a stay at home mom.

My mom was a high-school level Englist Lit. teacher. She quit teaching because back in 1970 she wasn't allowed teach after she was known to be pregnant (yes, she was even married)! Anyway, she loved English and went back to teaching after her youngest was in Kindergarten. I think she was miserable because (among other things) she felt pressure to work, be a great wife and mom, you know the whole line that women should "do it all." She committed suicide when she was 39. I am a 35-year-old graduate-degreed stay-at-home mom of three who has been in a lot of therapy recently, and I am realizing that it truly does not matter what I choose to do with my days as long as when I am around my kids, I am present and happy. Happy breeds happy, and I don't care how educated the parent is. I give the finger to Linda Hirshman as well! (By the way, I love the way you and Jon take off to Amsterdam and go skiing and really seem to enjoy life and each other. You're an inspiration because you choose to really LIVE your lives.

Happy Anniversary, Heather. Seeing the comments section open made my day:)

OK, well...having just returned from therapy - talking about my mother might be a little traumatic but I'll do my best.

My mom got married at 18 and proceeded to have six children over the span of twenty years. She never worked as she suffered from clinical depression that sent her to her bed for weeks at a time. Me being the youngest, I was um...neglected might be a rather harsh term, but being raised by my thirteen year old sister wasn't always peaches and ice cream either.

My husband and I decided before we got pregnant with our daughters that we would both work outside the home in order to feel that the finacial burden was more equitable. This meant quite a bit of sacrifice, yet the up-swing was that one of us was always able to be home with the girls. This benefit became immeasurable in our eyes.

I work in higher-ed and hope to empart unto our daughters the benefits of living life to its fullest....whatever that means to them as individuals. Yeah, that may be far too idealistic, but their happiness is theirs, whatever that means to them. If driving a truck cross country with a bull-dyke lesbian in the passenger seat, singing cow rustlin' tunes all the live long day puts a smile on their face - so be it. The same goes for working their asses off with the goal of obtaining a PhD. As long as what they do is not illegal or involves losing an apendage...I'm cool with it!

For right now, our girls see me as a capable working mother who loves them more than anything. I am also starting back to school in July so they will see a whole new side of me. SAHM or not, it's the quality not the quantity of time you spend with them that matters.

Continue rocking the world with your wisdom and humor. And continue flying the bird to those who poo-poo your life choices. Leta and Jon love you and that is truly all that matters.

XXOO - LeeAnn

My mom stayed home with me and my younger (by 18 mo) brother until I was 10, then went back to work. She didn't like being a secretary, so she went and got her masters degree in library science and has been a librarian ever since. Looking back, she was definitely getting bored with staying at home and this worked well for all of us. She was happier, still had summers off (she worked in schools), and I really can't even imagine what how she could have been around more. I really don't think she liked being at home with us when we were young, but my dad was military and we moved a lot, so it was hard for her to do anything else.

I'm just finishing up my three years of pediatric ICU training and wasn't expecting to have kids while I was working 80 hr weeks. Then kids started falling from the sky - we now have a 16 mo old son from a surprise pregancy and a 6 mo old daughter by adoption (my cousin couldn't take care of her, and all of a sudden we had two kids...). I knew once I was accepted to med school that staying home wouldn't be an option unless I married someone independantly wealthy who could pay off my school loans. Instead I married a pastor. Gorgeous and brilliant, yes. Wealthy, no. He could pay off my loans, we just wouldn't have a house or food. So as soon as I finish my training and start a real job this summer he's going to be a SAHD for an indefinite period of time. He just wants me to make enough money so that we can afford to have someone watch the kids two mornings a week for his sanity, and so that he can buy shiny new lenses for his Nikon D70. Not necessarily in that order.

I want my daughter to do whatever she wants, but I wish for her the education and family support (i.e. cool husband) so that it truly is a choice and not a decision forced by necessity.

I am shocked by people like Linda Hirshman - what the heck? What kind of choice is having to go to work every day? Most of my closest friends are brilliant and highly educated, and are SAHMs by choice. I'd prefer not to change one social dictatorship for another.

Happy 5th!

My mom was a mostly SAH type. But the summer I turn 9, she wanted a job at a nursing home. My grandma watched me that summer and I had a great time. My mom was very happy that summer and quit shortly after Christmas. She never got another job, but I'm glad she did what she needed to do to be happy. I don't have those choices right now, but am working at achieving them. If my mom had decided to continue working, I would have been ok with that because she needed to be happy also. I think we put too much emphasis on the SAH or WOH debate. The term wasn't even coined till after WWII, so it's really not historically correct.

By the way, I think whatever YOU have to do for your sanity and wellfare, then your are excersing your feminity and more power to you.

I have to start by saying how very much I enjoy your blog -- and that my hat is off to you for finding fulfilling work to do while SAHMing, too.

My mother tried, many times, to work while SAHMing. Her jobs varied from local newspaper reporting to one term (her choice) as mayor of our small town. She never held a job for more than 2 years, but I think the problem was as much her personality (not liking to cede control to anyone) as it was her desire to be there for us during school hours. Regardless, she's now 59 and is unfulfilled -- now that she and my now-retired dad are empty nesting, she often complains of boredom and talks about how she can't believe "this is really it." Dear God, I don't want to end up like her.

As for me, I've done a bit of it all. With my daughter, now 5, I had to return to work full-time, albeit mostly from home, when she was only 6 weeks old. When she turned 2, I transitioned to part-time work and began to attend graduate school through her 4th year -- at which point I was in the midst of a difficult pregnancy with my son, who's almost 1. So I've been a SAHM for a year and half and know that I will likely remain as such until my son's in school full-time, at which point I'll transition back into the work force... because I don't want to be 59 and feel like I have nothing for myself.

As for my daughter, whether she chooses to work full time, stay at home full time, or to "stop out" like me, I wish for her curiousity, resilience, and, above all happiness. I've been with my husband for over 15 years (high school sweethearts!) and know that I'm supported no matter what wacky decisions I might make. If I came home, at 32, and told him that I wanted to be a rock star, he'd find a way. I hope that my daughter finds a soulmate like mine... and hope for the wherewithall to survive her experiments as she comes into her own.

Lastly, I should add that I'm more well-educated than most SAHMs I know and have faced much ridicule from childless "friends" about my decision to step off the career path; but, at the same time, I have faced even more ridicule from other SAHMs because of my choice not to work with my background. So I'm damned no matter what I do, but I feel like I know a secret: the best schools in the country didn't prepare me for this job, the hardest one that I'll ever have yet by far the most rewarding. If and when I do reenter the work force, I'm only stronger for having the experiences I'm having now, from crowd control (kids' birthday parties) to time management (soccer, piano, tae kwon do, playdates... and time for me?) and from sleepless nights (glueing feathers on a teepee project) to lessons in patience (Barbies DO go down power flush toilets, at least partway). Wouldn't it be nice if we SAHMS start to get valued in our "liberal" society not only for being home, but also for what we bring to the table when we return to work...? (And I don't just mean plumbing skills, apologies to Heather.)

P.S. Thanks for the great discussion.

First of all, so very honored to comment, I've been addicted to your blog for a while now. (It's nice to know there's other blunt, non-traditional females out there that are perpetually constipated!)

My mother was and is an artist, and worked from home. I really loved the experience, as a child, and my mother and I were very close because of it. When I was in high school, being a SAHM was about the LAST thing on earth I wanted to do. Ten years and a degree later, I can confidently say that not only do I aspire to be a SAHM (I have a webdev business and work from home now as it is), but my ultimate desire is to have my husband home-based as well, as we enjoy telecommuting together.

I think power suits, shoulder pads and feminists are overrated, and I feel like I'm well within my rights as a woman to choose what I want to do with my life. I don't feel like I've given up a damn thing, frankly, and feel my life is richer for being able to set my own schedule and, eventually, work my work around being a full-time mother.

You go, girl. Happy anniversary and may this website continue to put food on the table for you and your wonderful family. Thanks for sharing your life with all of us intar-web folks!