I was out one time at a bar and drunker than drunk. I waited until I couldn't wait anymore to go pee. Well the line was longer than I anticipated and getting skin tight Rockie Mountains off a sweaty drunk body isn't exactly easy. I peed my pants. I told everyone someone spilled their drink on me in the bathroom. I tried drying off with the dryer in the bathroom, but I probably stank the rest of the night. I was too drunk to care though.

My first week of college I was walking from my dorm room, down a very busy street to my class. I wondered why people were staring at me. Then, some kind soul came up to me and said, "Honey, you appeared to have tucked your skirt into the back of your tights."
I had wondered why I was so cold....

My most embarassing moment to date, well that's an easy one. When I was a freshman, I went to prom with a senior. I had my hair and nails done. I had my jade green strapless dress with out a bra because I had no boobs. Well my date and I were dancing and we were swing dancing or something and my hands went over my head and my dress fell to my belly button. Well not that LOW but you get the point. My boobs were no longer in my dress. Talk about embarassing. I'm so glad it was dark in there! I have no idea how many people saw but I lit a path straight to the door and I went home.

Delurking again!

When I was in 8th grade, I got called out - and rejected - on the dance floor in front of the entire school.

I posted the link because it's just too long a story to put all in a comment - but don't worry, I'm not trying to Dooce-mooch. Thank you for reopening comments, btw :)

Read the story, really. It's poorly written but still fun.

another story...

At 19 I was living in Berkeley, CA, and in the summer my parents, brother, and sister decided to come up for a few days to visit me. Most of our time was spent doing the usual SF tourist-type stuff...

One afternoon, we were relaxing a bit on the bit of beach near the Ghiradelli chocolate shop, and my brother and I were picking up various stones and skipping them the best we could across the water. I went for a rather large, smooth looking one, and to my surprise, my fingers slipped right off it, leaving a train of a brownish substance.

It was dog poop, washed smooth by the tide.

For fear of the reaction of those who may hear about it later, I just rinsed off my hand in the tide, and played it off smooth.

Although I sort of wish I would have suggested to my brother that he skip that "stone." Oh yes.

Have to post idiocy/embarrassment. I wore a pair of sweats to school without the strings in them to act as a belt. In Gym class the teacher had us jump with both feet in a V and touch our toes. She couldn't demonstrate, so I said like this, drew everyone's attention, jumped and my pants fell down. The entire class laughed, including the teacher.

High school, senior year - I'd been on the drill team for all 4 years, expecting to be picked for co-captain when senior year rolled around. We get a new team advisor, who meets with us and tells us that instead of voting among ourselves who we want for captain, we now have to TRYOUT for the position. And our tryout consists of being assigned a junior member of the squad, coming up with an impromptu choreography routine, teaching it to them in 20 minutes and performing it in front of the whole squad - yes, right now! GO!

Needless to say, I did not perform well under pressure - my student and I were awkward, our (my) routine was crap, I messed up and had to ask to start again. I started crying while I was asking them to start the music again, because I knew I'd fucked up something I really wanted that I'd been taking for granted.

I blamed my assigned underclassman, I railed that it wasn't fair to spring this on us, I was an ass about it...and then I got to spend the whole season with all these people who'd seen me lose it so spectacularly, watching the co-captains with their special pom poms and feeling the humiliation down into my soul.

Pooping on the table while I delivered my son ranks a close second.

Happy Blog-Day, Heather!

This is such a fun, yet horrifying topic...can I just take advantage of this opportunity to give my embarrassment trifecta?

When I was 9 years old, I went away to Hume Lake Wagon Train camp, where we bunked every night in covered wagons. In keeping with the rustic theme, our mail was delivered every day by Pony Express. Being somewhat vertically challenged and wanting the best vantage point for the arrival of the mail, I hopped up on a big pine tree stump for a better view. My excitement grew as the pounding of distant hooves and flying gravel grew closer and closer. And then, there he was, the pony express guy, cresting up over the hill with the BIG leather mail bags. He hurled the bags through the air with all his might. They sailed toward their intended destination (usually a big dirt area which insured a safe landing), but on their way, the bag diverted, clocking me squarely in the face, and proceeded to wrap around my tiny frame much like a ringer in horseshoes. I hurtled backwards off of the tree stump, buried under a heavy leather bag and 500 campers-worth of letters from home. I hear to this day, they're still talking about it...

Fast forward 6 years. Summer at grandma's house in Modesto. Boredom. Then, grammy's friend calls and says her 19 year old, semi-pro baseball player, hottie of a son has invited me over to swim. I'd love to, but don't have a suit. Not a problem says grammy's friend, who was, in her day, considered a MILF. She has a bikini I can wear. So, off I go. I perform my best swan dive off the board, a 9.0 dive if I say so myself, and I hit that cold water and cut if like a knife. So cleanly, in fact, that the borrowed suit (which was a bit large), stayed neatly on top of the water while my naked little body jettisoned through the water. When I surfaced, the Object of My Affection was standing at the edge of the pool grinning, saying "uhm, I think you forgot something..." Duh.

Finally, and probably the worst, was recently. Let me preface this by saying that long ago, I was at a place in my life where I just glided through - the world was my oyster, and I was very cool. Well, those days are over, as I now stumble and flail along at best, just to get through each day. That said, the latest act of embarrassment has probably been my worst. It happened at the salad bar at the hospital where I worked. It happened to be Chinese Chicken Salad night (3rd shift), and I found myself sharing the trough with adorable Dr. Chris. He commented on how much he loves Chinese chx salad, and suddenly out of nowhere I hear this voice, apparently emanating from ME. "Oh, I've got a great recipe for this.." he just smiled, maybe somewhat sadly, at this poor woman. I persisted, "I can email it to you, if you'd like" At which point he finally declined. Okay, no harm-no foul, and I left with my dignity still somewhat intact. At the end of my shift, I trudge down to the basement and into the hallway that leads to the parking structure. And who do I meet on the way out, but Dr. Chris. Do I detect a bit of panic on his face as he recognizes his chicken salad stalker from earlier in the evening?! The short walk from the hallway to the parking lot which normally takes 4.5 seconds, seemed interminable. So I attempt to make small talk - nothing too serious, so as not to frighten him further - and he responds in kind. I'm relieved to see that he's not holding the pushing of the recipe against me. He say's something witty during our course of clever repartee, and I start to offer a complimentary giggle, which somehow inverts, and releases from my body as a sort of snort. A loud, flapping soft palate against the back of my throat kind of snort. It came from somewhere in the back of my nose/throat area. It was so horrible. Last I saw was Dr. Chris' hind end as he sprinted to his car. Too bad he's not an ENT doctor. I'd have him fix that soft palate problem.

Hope my reminiscing wasn't too boring for the rest of you - actually it was kind of cathartic for me. Now maybe I can move on...!

Thanks so much, Heather, for a great site and for bringing a bright spot into my life with your daily tomes ... Love it!

Up through my Junior year of college, I was badly out of shape. But I was in denial of this, and thought I would have no trouble in a Weight Training P.E. class.

The "final exam" of this class involved doing, I think, 80 consecutive sit-ups. The students did these one at a time, so all the students stood around watching whoever was doing them at the moment. Also, another student had to "help" the student doing sit-ups by holding down their feet. That student's face is generally right between the knees of the person doing the sit-ups.

In other words, if you were to release a fart while doing these sit-ups, it would be unspeakably embarrasing.

In my first sit-up, as I sat up, I farted.

In my second sit-up, as I sat up, I farted again.

Me: Sit up, fart, sit up, fart, sit up, fart.
Other students: (Poor attempts to stifle laughter.)
Student with his face between my knees: "Oh my God..."

I finally got it under control after about dozen farts. Meanwhile, I did my best to look EXTREMELY serious and hissed "don't EVEN SAY ANYTHING."

Oddly enough, the guy who was holding my feet down became one of my best friends during the next year of college, my Senior year. (I also got into MUCH better shape during that year.)

A while back, I had really long hair and was thinking about cutting it and donating it to Locks of Love. When I told one of my co-workers (I work at a hospital) about it, she got all excited and said that she would cut her hair with me and she wanted to know how much hair you had to donate. I told her that I would call my hair salon and find out and let her know later. So, later on in the day, we decided to take a smoke break together. As we come back, there is the resident I had a huge, huge crush on for like a year, getting on the same elevator as me and her and he says hi to us. The elevator trip was quiet and like a true suave, I turned to my friend and said, "Oh, Nicole, by the way, it's ten inches." To which, he turned around and said, "Ladies, I have to ask you what you're talking about." Even the visitor in the elevator turned around laughed. Omg. Shades of purple that day... :o)

Several years ago, I was living in upstate New York and my best friend had moved to Atlanta. We decided to meet for a girls' weekend in NYC. We rented a really cool loft condo and planned shopping, dinners out, etc. I also should add that this friend is, as we like to tease her, high maintenance. She has the perfect black leather loafers, jeans, Coach bag, and leather coat for a NYC trip. Perfect make-up. Perfect hair. Shopping with her, sales clerks can smell "This girl is gonna spend some money," while I am virtually ignored. She is well-manicured and quite sophisticated. Just so you know who we're talking about here ...

So, the place we rented had super-high ceilings; the bathroom was one walled-in corner of the living room. The walls were normal height, but since the ceilings were so high, they didn't reach all the way up, leaving a space between the top of the wall where someone in the living room could hear everything going on in the bathroom.

My friend got up before me and showered and got . It was my turn. As I hit the bathroom, I realized I needed to poop. She was sitting on the other side of that tall, but partial wall, reading on the couch. "How will I poop without her hearing me?" I thought. I came up with the ultimate master plan. "I will turn on the shower, then poop, and she'll never hear me," I thought. "But I can't flush or I'll get a blast of hot water in the shower. So I'll wait until I'm done showering to flush."

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. Everything went according to plan.

EXCEPT THAT I forgot to flush.

After my shower, I was having some coffee and breakfast in the kitchen when Elizabeth went into the bathroom. "Did someone leave me a surprise in the bathroom?" she yelled.

You can imagine my horror. We both laughed hysterically. And, to this day, if there is something I'm embarrassed to talk about, she says, "Tell me. I've seen your poop, for God's sake," and we laugh hysterically all over again.

Happy Blog Birthday =)

6th grade, my first band concert. We had practiced earlier in the day how and when to leave and enter the rows of chairs, so everything went off without a hitch when the time came, right? Riiiight. We filed in all nice and orderly, the band director gave the motion for us to sit...and I fell flat on my ass because there was no chair behind me. The chairs were on risers so the boom that resulted was pretty impressive. I was the first seat on the second row so everyone in the bleachers got a nice unobstructed view of me falling down and going boom, literally.

9th grade, dodgeball game. You know how on TV they show a projectile approaching the camera and it is super slow motion? That's what it was like with the dodgeball that was chucked at me. I was watching this big red ball flying at me mach 2 and thinking "Wow, I can see the pattern on the ball, this looks like slow motion, how cool is that? I suppose I better duck out of the wa...*POW* in the face. The force of the hit knocked me flat and burst a blood vessel in my eye. I got up, stunned, with bloody tearss running from one eye. The guy who threw the ball had the nerve to laugh at me so when I walked by on the way to the locker room I kicked him in the nuts. That'll teach him. Stupid dodgeball. Stupid PE.

Long time reader, first time commenter. Enjoy the site!

My embarrassing moment was also mixed with terror. I lived in a house on the edge of town that was bordered by a huge parking lot. So, as people were driving out of town, there was the parking lot, then my house, very visible. There was also a smaller house to the side and back of my house where this big, burly biker dude named Gary lived. I also had a friend who sometimes brought her 6 month old lab puppy to my house and chained him to the dog run in the back yard. She did this if she had the dog with her when she came into town and she had errands to do and it was too hot for the dog in her car.

When my son was three, we were suffering some of the hottest, muggiest weather of our northern Michigan summer. Awful. To get some relief, I ran a tub of cool water and my son and I took a bath for a bit. When bath time was over, I lifted him out and off he ran, to his room, I thought, while I enjoyed the cool water, alone, for another minute or two. I was just getting out of the tub when I heard him screaming from the back yard! I grabbed a towel, which wasn’t quite large enough to wrap around and stay, especially with those DD’s I sport. I ran to the backyard, which was fully visible from the road, and found my naked kid with my friend’s puppy’s chain wrapped around his neck. This puppy was very excited to see us so he was jumping around like crazy. Each time, the chain around my son’s neck tightened and almost knocked him off his feet. He was like a rag doll, I tell you. I thought the puppy was going to snap my kids neck. I started struggling to get the chain from around my boy’s neck. Unfortunately, now the puppy thought he had two people who wanted to play with him so he just got that much more excited. I needed two hands to unwrap the chain from my son’s neck. It was either keep the towel in place or risk really hurting my son. I dropped the towel. I was now naked and in full view of the traffic on the road, which began to slow with some honking and catcalling, as I was bouncing around, naked, totally panicked with a crazy puppy strangling my little boy. I finally managed to get the chain from around my boy’s neck. I probably got the chain off pretty damn fast, once I dropped the towel, but it seemed like HOURS. Crying, I gathered my son up and as I went for the towel, I caught Gary Biker Dude’s eyes…he had been watching the whole show from his kitchen window, didn’t try to help, just watched. Creeped me out and pissed me off.

I had a fake tooth that I could take in and out. One night, while at a bar with a friend, we decided to hit on a guy. We asked him to sit down with us & just as he was going to, I said something stupid & my tooth flew out of my mouth. In slow motion, it bounced 3 times across the table & dropped to the other side where I could not reach. I screamed as the guy picked it up for me & handed it back. I said: “That’s My Lucky Tooth!” & put it in my pocket.

When I got my girlfriend preagnant and I had to see her parents to talk about it.

That's embarassing, luckily I didnt get any of the blog birthday disease you are talking about.

One evening, after one too many bottles of wine, I thought it a good idea to take some 'naughty' photos of myself for my boyfriend (pre digital camera days). I had no memory of taking these photos.
This was also around the same time my brother got married.
After getting the 10 rolls of film developed from the wedding, my family and I sat around going through the photos. I had distributed a packet to each person (before inspecting them myself).
My nana was the lucky recipient of the 'naughty' photos and just said inquisitively "who takes these photos?" and I went over to see what she was looking at.
Oh. My. God. It was only at that point that I had any recollection of taking those photos. Let's just say the photo was a very close view of the lower regions.
Worst moment ever.

Heh, I used to fart during jumping-jacks at school...

I was verrrry shy and easily embarrassed as a kid. So the fact that in 8th grade my science teacher made us take turns reading aloud in class was excruciating enough to begin with - and to add to my discomfort, we had to share a textbook with our "lab partners," AND mine just happened (alphabetically) to be a really popular, cool jock.

So we were studying geology and doing the reading aloud thing one day, and I'm peering at the textbook with my super cool lab partner, and it's mine turn to read. Mustering all of my courage, projecting my tiny voice as loud as I can, I read a paragraph about volcanic ash, only it comes out VOLCANIC ASS.

The entire class, including my teacher, died laughing. In fact, I was somehow drowning in embarrassment and yet also laughing so hard that I couldn't even get myself together to finish the paragraph, because - please, to this day I can't think of VOLCANIC ASS without laughing.

This isn't mine, but a friend of mine chloroformed himself. He was left alone in a chem lab in high school to write a big long paper. All the other kids were off having fun playing reindeer games or whatever and he was stuck inside writing and writing and writing. There was a little bottle of chloroform on the table and out of boredom he dropped a bit of it on his paper. It bleached out the writing instantly! Hey cooooool! And so my friend -- with the seriously freakishly high IQ --decided to bleach all kinds of COOL PICTURES all over the writing of his lab report.

He woke up three hours later to the sound of everyone laughing at his dumb ass.

Okay....

Several years ago now, back when I still lived in NYC, I was in line at the ATM machine, getting out some cash to buy grocerys. In front of me in the line was a guy with Downs Syndrome. He was absoultely COVERED in hickeys, and was singing loudly with his earphones on. Now, I know I'm going to burn in Hell for this, but I couldn't help finding this sight rather amusing.

I dropped my bank card, and as I bent over to pick it up, my eye caught the guy behind me. He was bright red, with his hand over his mouth trying not to laugh. Thinking that he too was going to join me in Hell for laughing at the retarded kid, I gave him a little smile, at which point he started to absolutely choke.

I finally get my money, go to the store and get home. I go to pee and discover that the leggings I was wearing (was at the gym earlier) had COMPLETELY UNRAVELLED AT THE CROTCH!!!! I was crotchless! Panicked, I immediately retraced my steps to see if I had bent over at any point, thus exposing myself.....and then I remembered the guy behind me at the ATM....

I ran to the mirror and re-enacted picking up my bank card....it was BAD, the guy got full on porno snatch shot! He was NOT going to join me in Hell for laughing at the disabled, he was laughing at ME.

=|

Oh, and then there was the time that I rushed off to work and got all the way to the subway station before I realized that I was wearing pantyhose, but had forgotton to put on a skirt......no panties either....

Wow. I read up to 250 and then had to stop. I could tell you the story but instead I'll just post a link to my site to increase traffic. Just kidding... I read that this has happened to other women (thank fucking god) but not quite on a second date. So I might not have the highest morals - big deal. Oh yes, a lovely young man was going down on me on our SECOND DATE and I proceeded to let out a loud and stinky fart. Inches from his face. On our second date. And we went on to date for about 3 years more without ever mentioning it again.
Another time I was quite drunk and thought it would be perfectably acceptable to pee though my fishnets - they are full of holes after all. As this was in the relative saftey of a public bathroom it is not so horribly embarassing as the first but is probably a big low point for me. After reading all these I realize that I no longer become that embarrassed at things. Yes, I HATE being made fun of but I can trip and fall and dance like an ass all year long and keep laughing at myself.
Oh, except for that time at the office when I farted and more than a bit extra came out. Luckily my mom was my boss but it was still bad telling her. Strangly enough, in an office of 9 women, another girl shit her pants that same day also so I didnt feel so bad. Very odd though b/c we did not share ANY food in the previous days. Being miserable w/ someone is much better than solo misery.
And then there is the period thing. In about 7th grade (yeah - "about" like the thing isnt permantly engraved in my mind) leaving algebra class I happened to look down at my yellow plastic seat only to see it covered in my blood. Seems I had bled out of my pad a whole fucking lot. Luckily I was wearing a black skirt but I still had to go to the bathroom and was the backs of my legs off. Gross!

It's sad I have so many of these.

One's waaay too long to explain, but it ends up me, standing in my office with a senior associate looking at me, grabbing my own ass.

One ends up with a pair of socks smoldering under a pile of snow in the main student lounge, smoking up the entire building.

And the one my Mom loves to tell: When I was 6 I got in an elevator with my mother and a black man. After about a minute I turn to my mother and in full voice note, "That man must never wash his face. It's so dirty."

--FD

I went to the post office to register for selective service the day of my 18th birthday. I'm female. The postal workers sent me back home and tried not to laugh too much.

I was sitting with my boyfriend in the back of the bus on the way home from a music field trip to go see Fiddler On The Roof. His mom was the music teacher so she was on the bus to witness what I am about to tell you. Well of course the rest of the shitheads on the bus start chanting for him to kiss me. It was to be the first kiss for both of. I popped in a peppermint and geared myself up for what was no doubt going to be the most romantic moment of my young life. Just as he was about to lean in for the kill, the fucker puked. all. over. the. place.
His mom came running to the back of the bus as everyone had pretty much started screaming and hollering about the puke. She gave me a horrible look as she took her baby to the front of the bus to comfort him for the rest of the ride home.
Considering that I was already as ugly as a cat's asshole when I was that age, it didn't help that I somehow induced someone to puke over the thought of kissing me. The rest of my school days would be marred by this experience, I was never to live that down. And him, he grew up to be one of those "gaming specialists" that went to Star Trek conventions on a monthly basis. Hmmmmm.

Happy Birthday! I've enjoyed reading the last two years!!!

I went on an overnight trip, and either the water or the food made my bottom system act up. I had terrible diarrhea, but I had to share a room with my friend, so I tried to make my tummy troubles as silent as possible. So, after four days of this terrible upset stomach, we arrived back in town. Great, right? I can go home and have my upset stomach in the privacy of my home.

Unfortunately for me, my parents were out of town, so I was staying with the girl I had shared the room with on the trip. By this time I was really gassy, so my runs had turned into explosive diarrhea. Even worse, I was so cramped up that I had to bend forward to poop. Every time I felt the need to relieve myself, I had to lean forward while diarrhea shot out, accompanied by loud farts and splattering noises. Turns out that it got all over the part at the back that's inside the bowl, but isn't cleaned by flushing. I had to wipe it by hand every time I went, which was often.

So there I am, with horrid explosive diarrhea in my friend's house, and feeling really gross and unhappy, and she decided to have some people over to celebrate coming home. I didn't know how to tell her that I was in no mood to party, so I reluctantly agreed. So she ended up getting two friends and her sister, and we're sitting around, and it's not so bad. I run to the bathroom every ten minutes and pray that they cannot hear me.

I return, only to have them looking at me, and asking if I'm okay. I nodded, trying to look all nonchalant and like I was only checking my makeup or something, but I was dying inside.

I think I have a stellar fart story, though it wasn't embarrassing because only my sweetie was there. I farted when my fiance PROPOSED. I mean, I have IBS, it's to be expected. But before I said yes, I farted. Um, and after, too.

I don't think I have a 'most' embarrassing moment, so I thought I'd share a couple.

1. Reaching out to catch a foul ball at a minor league baseball game. I missed and the ball went right between my hands and hit me square in the mouth. Still have the piece of scar tissue in my lip. Many baseball players and trainer type people running over to me. Lots of blood. Had to fight someone else to get the ball back after I missed the catch.

2. What a dumb girl called "The Tampon Trick" - a friend and I hadn't gotten our periods when we were about 12, and had a pad and wanted to see how much liquid you could get in there. So we go to the bathroom at school (after school was out) and proceeded to pour Tahitian Treat on the pad until saturation. Enter bitchy girl, and taunts of 'Tampon Trick' and lesbian ensue for a couple of years.

I threw-up in the check-out line of our small town grocery store. Not just threw-up, more along the lines of The Exorcist. Too add insult to injury I was 17, I went to high school with EVERYONE that worked there AND the bagboy in my "barfing line" was someone I had my eye on. I couldn't even write it off to an unfortunate tequila episode. My mom wouldn't let me drop out of school, I still haven't forgiven her for that.

At my wedding reception (low-key, brunch, 50 close family and friends, second marriage for us both) my brand-new, tipsy on mimosas sister-in-law over hears someone talking about my matron-of-honor being 4 months pregnant and barely showing. Of course "sis" misunderstands and thinks that I'M pregnant and proceeds to cause a huge scene while she loudly and drunkenly announces to everyone that "no wonder they were getting married so quickly... blah blah blah, use some birth-control". Every person there was incredibly uncomfortable... except my drunk sister-in-law who just didn't quite get what she had done.

Talking on the phone with a major client at work, about shipping that I f*ed up. Making a fake conference call to my boss- secretly telling his secretary to say he was not available. Finding out that the client heard everything I said and was not amused. I still cringe 2 years later.

back in my married days, hubby and i were having dinner with half a dozen folks from around the small town we were doing summer stock in. i can't remember the specifics of the conversation now, but there was a couple there he didn't know (nor did he realise their intimate connection with the 'know what i heard?' juicy story he was about to tell). i tried to warn him by discreetly nudging his foot. he didn't even blink. so i trod purposefully, but still discreetly, on his foot. he looked at me oddly, i raised my eyebrows and attempted marital telepathy, but alas, he continued to plunge in to the juicy part of the story; the about-to-be-revealed couple was squirming. so i made a final effort and toed his ankle, a bit sharply. at which point he looked at me and demanded at full actor-trained voice: "Why are you kicking me under the table??"

My friend Amy writes reality TV, so her embarrassing moments are much more fun to read than mine (and involve revenge):
"I have this friend Bubba who works in production in both LA and NY, kind of like me. He was here for a job and before he left he wanted to introduce me to a guy friend of his who lives in the City - I think hoping there would be sparks.
So last night I met Bubba and this guy Peter out for drinks. Peter wasn't my type (really short and kind of ferrety) but he immediately seemed smart and funny and I just decided to have fun chatting him up. About 1/2 hour later, I got up to go to the ladies room.
I'm squatting over the loo when I hear Bubba ask Peter, 'So what do you think?' Something about the accoustics in this little, empty bar made it possible for me to hear every word they were saying, as if they were next to me. So wasn't I surprised when Peter answered, 'She's got some junk in the trunk, but not bad.'
Now, this shouldn't have bothered me. First of all, I'm not interested in him. Second of all, I love my ass and love it even more when it gets kind of chubby. But I couldn't help myself. I was PISSED. What right does some little ferret guy have to judge me like that? And then worse - is that the way guys talk behind our backs all the time?
So I was determined to say something, but I had to wait for my moment. A little while later we decided to order food. Peter asked, 'What are you going to get?' And I said, 'I have to be careful what I order, because I don't want to wind up with any junk in the trunk.' I saw a stricken look pass over his face, but he was careful not to react or turn his head. Bubba (clueless, and genuine) was like 'Aw baby you know you've got nothing to worry about.' But I couldn't let sleeping dogs lie...I just looked Peter in the eye and said 'I heard you, if that wasn't clear by now.' Then I pretended I didn't care, ate and made conversation for another hour, and went home."

I was in college, my parents were out of town for the weekend so I rented a hot tub and had a big party at their house. After a few cocktails it turned into a naked hot tub party. Some of the ladies were too shy to remove their tops but after a few more drinks those tops were thrown out in the yard. Sometime shortly after midnight my most reserved friend who happened to be quite well endowwed took her top off as well. After twenty or so minutes submerged in the hot tub she was ready to cool off and so swung her large pedulous breasts over the side of the tub and directly into the faces of two policemen who had come to bust the party! They asked for the host/hostess and that was me... I could not find my bikini so one of the guys gave me his shorts and I wrapped a towel around my top. The cops were laughing so hard as they tried to talk to me that they just said to keep the noise down and walked away. Drunk and happy and not even wondering why the cops were laughing I turned around to walk back into the back yard and standing twenty feet behind me were all the male party guests wearing the bikinis and one piece swimsuits of the ladies!

I have a very crazy aunt and uncle with three out of control kids. Thier youngest son asked me to be his confirmation sponsor. Well, okay, not really catholic anymore, but i had lived at thier house for a while and become very close to my little cousin (about 1.5 feet taller than me) so I said yes. So attempting to muster as much dignity as I can with this family (they were the type that continuosly to stole pot from eachother, kids from parents, parents from kids...never busting the others, because then they would have to admit that THEY smoked pot) and weren't exactly behaving. My Aunt was reading a book hidden in her hymnal, the two older cousins kept getting up out of the pews to go and smoke cigarettes, and I swear, I think that they were sneaking crackers out of her purse. Fun people generally, wrong situation. It was mortifying, and i kept saying "SHHHHHH" and ""Be quiet, guys) and being SMUGLY holier than thou.If you had seen the looks on the families around us, you would understand. They were here to ensure that thier children were on the path to righteouseness. We were here because my aunty promised my grandma that all of here children would get confirmed, no matter what...and if my aunt had to sit through it, everyone did. It took over three hours, and we were in the last few rows to be confirmed. So, I realize the priest is only a few rows in front of us, and I have dropped my program/cheat sheet. I bend dow to get it, and smack my head on the pew....and yell "FUUUUCK!"
The priest and every other person turned to me in horror and disgust, while my Aunt, uncles, and cousins lost it. They started feigning horror too. ("Unbelievable, Cindy" "how could you? In the LORD'S house?) I seriously wanted to die.

They still brind it up every time I see them.

Back when I was 19 I was a local beauty queen (trust me, it was a stretch) and I was supposed to do the pledge of allegiance in front of maybe 1000 people for a local celebration. I was good friends with the mayor of our little town and right before I went on, he whispered to me "You're going to forget the words." I laughed and think I told him to f--- off. Well, sure enough I walked out on stage and forgot the words. Totally humilating since you say the pledge every day in school for 12 years!

When I was 16 I had a job at this fancy ice cream parlor and the boss wouldn't let us park our cars in the parking lot closest to the building--he saved those for paying customers. So, one afternoon, I decided to park my car in the lot in a spot closest to the door, but before I went inside I decided to go back and move it to a different spot, so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Later that day when it was time for me to leave, my car was gone. I freaked. Suddenly everyone I worked with was looking for it. I was sobbing. I called my dad and told him someone stole my car. A few minutes later, one of the guys who worked with me had gone out to the lot to have a look, and he found it right where I had parked it the second time. I felt like such an idiot for crying and making a fool of myself, thinking someone wanted to steal my 1975 green Ford Pinto.

ME: Junior in college with a good-catholic-boyfriend. He was 25 and I was the 1st girl he ever did ANYTHING with. I was only a bit more experienced but felt like smug hottie "showing the virgin the ropes". I liked doing "naughty things" with him to see how far I could push his boundaries. At the time I was in my experimental stage with drugs and he was VERY concerned that I was screwing up my DNA with mushrooms and weed. He didn't know where else to turn to "get help for me" so he told his MOTHER. He didn't let me know this until about 2.5 hours into a 3 hour drive to go visit them. I had no idea how I could face his important-business-owners-in-very-small-town-Iowa parents again. But I figured, nothing to do but deal with it. We get there and his mom is cool, doesn't mention a thing, treats me like family. WHEW!
Next day is Sunday and we lie about having gone to Friday night mass to avoid going to his local church.
So he got all weird about taking advantage of the alone time to mess around, (not in his parent's house, not in the bed he slept in as a child, not while playing hooky from church!!) but I pushed the issue just because and finally got him into his parent's bathroom (oh oh oh the Oedipal ramifications) where I knelt and did what guys like best.
Just as he was getting his breath back, his parents return. We button him up and head into the living room to greet them.
We sit and talk and I notice BF is nervous and flushed and acting guilty. Me I am carefree as a lark, la di da, chat chat chat. Then I see his mom is giving me the evil eye and not saying much.
I just happened to look down at my knees ( I was in shorts) and see that there is a distinctive pattern from the bathroom tile engraved in red on my pale skin. Mom, being no slouch, put BF's obvious guilty concious and my tile-marked knees together and came to the only possible conclusion. I couldn't wait to leave.
Apparently, a druggy girlfriend was alright for her son, but not a slutty one.

I was single, in my early 20's and at a party one night. I walked up to a guy that I knew and sat down beside him. I was drinking something dumb like Amaretto and diet cola in a short glass with ice and 2 short straws. I was talking and flirting with the guy and as I went to have a sip of my drink, one of the straws went right up my nose.

I think my most embarrassing moment has to be the time I got carsick on a bus riding through the Swiss Alps. When the bus came to the Italian border, I got off and proceeded to change my clothes behind it. Well, the soldiers guarding the border told the bus to move, unbeknownst to me. And there I was, with no pants on and about 30 Swiss guards trying to stand at attention and not laugh. Good times.

Other than falling down stairs during lunch rush at a restaurant, having my skirt tucked into underwear, falling down in the grocery store, going commando in a skirt and falling so the skirt flies up...see a pattern?

The best one I thought of was when I was 'dating' a guy from my speech class. After talking about the people in class, we retired to the bedroom for more interesting activities. Being as I had only just started sleeping with him and didn't really know him THAT well, when I had to pee during sex I couldn't just stop. Nothing like having to say 'can we stop so I can pee?' so I held it...until I orgasmed. Since I was on top, I peed all over him. When we were done there was a GIANT pee puddle on his bed. I didn't visit him again after that but I did have to see him in class.

well, i doubt anyone will actually read this, considering there are nearly 400! comments before this.

But, in the spirit of both Snow sports and embarrassing moments my most embarrassing moment as a kid came on the mountains at Snow Basin. I was skiing along in my rental skis and I saw a path through some trees that I decided to follow. Unbeknownst to me the path only lasted about 10 feet before I was flung off a 10-15' drop off. I was about 8 so I weighed, maybe 60 lbs and I was about 4' tall. I landed poorly.

Luckily, there was a lot of powder and I wasn't hurt. I popped my skis off and stood them up tail down in the powder.

Now, this was in the late 70's so my skis didn't have built in breaks. They just had these straps that wrapped around my legs to keep them from sliding down the mountain when I crashed.

Well, the powder I stood my skis up in (so that I could clean the powder out of every corner of my being) didn't hold very well and as soon as I had my coat off and I was shaking my shirt out - my left ski fell, and started to slide down the mountain. I grabbed my other ski and tried to run after the escapee.

Walking is hard in ski boots. Running, down a mountain. Fuhget aboud it!

I rolled, popped up, rolled, lost my other ski, fell, slide, and generally made an ass of myself as I chased my get-away ski.

Of course, I wasn't alone. It wouldn't have been embarrassing if that were the case. Instead I was right beneath a ski lift. So hundreds of people were able to enjoy my stupidity - and judging by the laughter, enjoy it they did.

I finally got to the bottom of the run - one ski still missing - and had to wait for my family in disgrace. My parents were none to happy and we spent the next few hours hunting for my ski. I think the only reason I avoided any real punishment was thanks to all the comments passers-by made to me concerning my trip down the mountain.

We moved out of Utah (Ogden) after that.

I was down town with my mother, and I walked over some grates just outside the subway station, and damned don't you know that a train went by just then, forcing air up through the vent, and forcing my flowy dress up around my neck. And damned, don't you know I was wearing pantyhoes and no underwear.

Happy Blogday!
Aaaaaaaaand of course, let us not forget that stupid time I ran out of class straight into the rather large assets of my Physics teacher. She was not impressed.

When I was a sophmore in college I went to a frat party. I was really drunk and went to the bathroom to pee. That was back in the days when bodysuits were really in and I had one on. Well I didn't notice it, but when I left the bathroom I had a trail of toilet paper tucked into my bodysuit that led all the way back to the roll itself and I was standing in the middle of the party. Everyone turned around and started pointing and laughing. My roommate noticed it and tore off the toilet paper and yelled at everyone for laughing at me. Thankfully, I was drunk enough where it wasn't embarrasing to me at the time, but extremely funny and I just laughed about it.

Heather, what was the subject of your valedictory speech?

ok, so right now i'm a junior in high school and my boyfriend is a senior. i'm tall and lanky. he drives a very small '90 mustang. me and that car just dont get along. this was a few months ago- we were in my driveway, i cant exactly remember what was said, but he said it and i was upset(he was too though, so i'm thinkin it was something to do w/his parents and them thinking i am satan). it must have been pretty bad because i remember that all i wanted to do was go in the house and cry(i hardly ever cry). i wanted to get away from him and ball my eyes out. so he's finally done upsetting me, my eyes are already starting to water and i go to get out of the car. as i have one foot out, he decides to hug me(he always does this after upsetting me, i dont know why). that was it, tears are starting to fall, i'm trying to get out of the car as fast as possible...when, WHAM! yea i slammed my mf'n head right into the doorway so hard i almost blacked out and tripped backwards almost falling. and in my moment of total sadness and now intense pain, all i could do was laugh, as did he.

which also reminds me, today-once again we're in the evil small car in my driveway. he has a few extra minutes and we're making out and whatnot...he decides it would be a good idea to pick me up and pull me closer(i still dont exactly know what the hell he was thinking and where exactly he wanted me to sit, seeing as i ended up w/my bum on the E brake, which is not comfortable), but as he is o so sexy-like(or somethin...) picking me up and pulling me closer, he slams my head into the rearview mirror-gee thanks! that wasn't near as bad as us realizing(after we'd uumm calmed down a bit) that my 12 year old brother had been walking up the driveway when most of that happened and prolly saw it all...

I was representing my company at a networking function held by the university I attended. I had a really productive chat with some random woman I met there, and she offered to introduce me to someone she thought I should meet. I follow her though the mobs of people at this event and we finally get to the clearing where this guy is standing, his back towards us. She taps him on the shoulder to do the introduction, he spins around, and it turns out the guy is my booty call from sophomore year. I pretend I don't notice, but as we shake hands (she's still standing there), he says, "Oh, yes, I think you still have one of my t-shirts."

A conversation with a pregnant friend of a friend who I hadn't seen for a few months went something like:

Me:You're looking so good, really glowing.
Her:Thank you!
Me:So when are you due?
Her: ...err.. two months ago.

Wow, try digging yourself out of that one. I just mumbled for a while before excusing myself to another group of people.

I just remembered another couple of embarrassing tales: (I might as well share, mainly 'cos they're not half as bad as some of these other tales!)
My sister, 3 years younger than me, was about 4 years olf at the time. She'd been doing the usual annoying run-around-the-house routine while stealing something of mine, and managed to hide. I went looking for her, as it had all gone quiet.
I came running out of the bedroom to chase her. I might add, the landing/hallway carpet was brown. The little cow had shit on the carpet (Dad was in the toilet and she decided she couldn't interrupt or tell him).
I landed right in it. I hopped downstairs (which is kinda difficult!!) with my pooey foot in the air screaming obscenities at my sister, who sat in hysterical laughter. I managed to get to the sink (hopping all the way) to wash my foot. I washed the damn thing about a dozen times.
Oddly enough, my sister doesn't get embarrassed by the fact she shit on the carpet!

Working as a waitress in high school, my boss was also running for mayor one year. One night, he held a party for all the other mayoral candidates and I was the only wait-staff on duty. Easy enough. They were nice guys, thank god. After taking Jack's order, he turned to his seat mate and knocked his fork onto the floor. I bent to pick it up and promptly ripped the ass out of my jeans. Walking backwards to the kitchen, I quickly tied an apron around my waist all akimbo and proceeded with the rest of their orders.

During my senior year at vet school, a group of 10 of us went on farm call to trim cow hooves. One prissy girl looked like she was trying not to break her finger nails. So I thought, "I'll show everybody how a REAL woman does it."

I proceeded to stand next to the cow in the stanchion, and work on the hoof that was tied up with a rope.

I bent over to touch her hoof and she kicked me, causing me to do a graceful pirouette and land butt first into the cow poop in the gutter behind the cow.

Everybody starting laughing and I went to get up but the cow kept kicking her tied up hind leg right above my head every time I lifted it up out of the gutter.

Finally, somebody let her leg down out of the rope and I stood up out of the cow plops. My whole back side was covered with messy cow manure as I showed my classmates how a real woman trims cow feet.

Was on my way to take a final after cramming in the library. Everyone and their best friend was in the library studying. It was super super quiet. I somehow find the klutz gene and fall head over heels making this loud "WHOOMP" noise in front of everyone. Totally shook me up...and then I had to take a final. Blech.

I was a junior editor at a London publishing house. The company organized a picnic meet-and-greet for our new CEO. I was wearing a very short skirt with opaque tights. I was very close to the new CEO when someone asked, "Aren't you cold in that skirt?" I said no, I had a big sweater. Then I meant to say, "But my legs are never cold". What I actually said - clearly and loudly - was that "My legs are never closed."

Twelve years later, and I'm only just able to think of this without sitting up straight and shouting Biscuits! to dismiss it.

Let's see. I have no sense of shame, but I'd say I probably should be embarrassed...

First job, I was sarcastically imitating my boss, only to have him dryly comment from across the room behind me.

So many times I have made fun a horrible woman only to find her lurking close by.

I have a tendency to not walk through a door, but to...fall through it, lurching and spinning. Sadly, no alcohol involved.

Once during a departmental meeting, I fell asleep. Woke up, looked ahead only ... where was the director? Of course the room was eerily silent. I looked to my left, and there he was, sitting next to me, staring pointedly.

Divisional meeting, televised. SUCH bad luck I have. Fell asleep, woke meself up with a loud (LOUD!) snore/snort. Not only had everyone in the room heard but also apparently I was on camera and seven other sites had seen me in all my glorious waking. You couldn't PLAN worse luck!

Once had to fart, sneaked into a colleague's work space and let one riiiip! Then I noticed him sitting there...

I was driving home and I realized that the boy I had a crush on was driving behind me. I kept glancing at him in the rearview mirror (Okay it was more like glancing at the road while staring at him.) I even tried to keep him in view when I switched over to the left turn lane and as I started turning. I was looking back at the road after watching him, sad that I wouldn't be able to see him anymore, and realized that I was turning even though there were cars coming! I slammed on my brakes and the person who I had almost cut off honked loudly at me as he swerved to avoid my half turned car. I felt like such a girl.

Happy Birthday! So glad you're still around.

I have many moments of farts, mud puddles, and drunken oblivion, but one is so different it surpasses all the others.

Just after my undergrad, I was working in a village in India as part of an internship programme. One of my co-workers invited me to the wedding of one of her family members in another village. I was thrilled - what an amazing opportunity! As a foreigner, however, I didn't know what was appropriate to wear to an Indian wedding. My friend assured me she would lend me appropriate clothes, and off we went to her home town.

On the day of the wedding, she announced I would get dressed first. She leant me the most amazing Indian dress. The skirt was fushia and gold, embroidered with pearls. It was worn with a sari-like top, and a gold, fushia and pearl head scarf that covered my hair and draped across my chest. She also leant me jewellery that can only be described as a 'circlet' - kinda like a crown.

And then she announced we were both ready and whisked me out the door to the wedding. She was dressed in her work clothes - plain coloured trousers and a plain navy smock. No jewellery. I kid you not. I looked like a blonde Indian princess, and SHE DID NOT. In fact, no one at the wedding was dressed like me BUT THE BRIDE. And even the bride was only dressed in red, NOT GOLD, FUSHIA, PEARLS AND A CROWN.

When we got to the wedding, I was the only foreigner there, and the centre of attention for the whole night. The entire wedding video was of me - a man with a spotlight followed me around all night. I was told over and over and over in broken English, "You are so beeeuuuuteeeful, so so beeuuuteeeful."

I swear it was the longest night of my life. I wanted to sink into the earth and die. I was the foreign kid wearing a ball gown to a frat party. Yep, since then when things seem bad, I just think at least I'm dressed right, and know just how much that means.

I thought I had already posted this, well that is only mildly embarassing... I have many stellar moments, most of which involved alcohol in my wasted youth, but I do believe that I hold the record for breaking two, count em, TWO toilets at two different times. Seems when I had a buzz on, I forgot how to lower myself daintily onto the throne...I was skinny in those days too.

Hmm...would it be the time when I rushed to "suit up" for swim practice and left my bra on, and everyone giggled before I realised what they were sniggering at? Or would it be the time I was an LDS missionary (yes, I believe!) in pajamas in my apartment with my companions when the phone rang, so I jumped up to answer it when I tripped over my pants and they came falling down revealing "my essence"? Or would it be the time I fell out of the hottub and broke my wrist? I don't know. I have so many to choose from.

I was running for a cable car that had just left the stop - hands grasp the pole, one foot makes it onto the ledge but one foot doesn't - proceed to drag leg and eventually whole body down the street as my hands slip down the pole. I finally let go and tumble down the street a little ways. People scream, the car is stopped, napkins are offered to clean up my hamburgered legs and palms. I'm fine - clothes aren't ripped, gonna be on time to work, etc. A group of tourists on the car are staring at me, and all of their children are crying. Because of me. and the screaming. What a great morning.