wow, you opened comments back up. awesome...

why the change?

I was going up the escalator, coming out of the subway station, during morning rush hour. While I was standing there, I felt something slip down my leg. I have no idea what it is, so I shake my leg and look down, What do I see? A pair of my underwear rolls out of my pant leg onto the foot of the guy behind me....

Apparently, static cling worked its evil magic and the undies had been clinging to the inside of my pant leg all morning.

I just pretended it didn't come from me and just walked away --- very quickly.

I once called one of my teachers a lesbian and she was standing right behind me. She and I had to have a serious conversation about sexuality, even though I'm gay and I've been there. It was awful.

Happy Birthday, Lady Dooce.

until i actually got it, i thought that when you were on your period you just peed blood, and that's why you had to wear 'diapers'....yeah.

When I was a teenager, I played the side drum in a marching bagpipes band. Yeah, I know, dorksville. But it was fun.
Anyway, one day we were waiting our turn to march in an Australia Day parade. All the different floats and marching bands were on this huge sports oval, and as each group joined the parade, they would march down the middle of the oval, then out onto the road where the parade was.
Anyway, I am stuffing around with my friends when I hear my evil nemesis, Country Music. I turn around to see that the next "float" is a truck with a Country and Western band on the back of it, and behind and in front of the truck is boot scooters. Being a teenager, and a bitch, I start to heckle. I am slapping my thigh, and screaming yeah-hah, while all my friends laugh. I am so loud and raukous that everyone on the oval is looking at me. So to take the heckiling up a notch, I jump into the air to click my heels. Just as the heels are clicking, a gust of wind blows my kilt up around my face, leaving my HOT PINK undies for all to see. I die of embarrassment, EVERYONE ELSE dies of laughter.

Office Christmas Party. Skirt caught up in my waistband after I went to the bathroom right after I arrived. Nobody told ME about it until the next day. Then EVERYBODY thought I should know.

I think my most embarrassing moment revolves around farting at school too. I was in the tried grade and we were having an indoor recess because of bad weather. I was working a puzzle off to the side and out of nowhere I farted *incredibly* loud. They all laughed at me and I'll admit, I cried a little. Cut me some slack on the crying; I was eight!

Similar to Alex, I was at a business meeting when a colleague sneezed. Trying to be a gentleman I offered her the handkerchief that was in my suit pocket.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a hanky after all, but instead they were my fiance's pantyhose which she took off at a wedding reception ("These things ARE KILLING ME!") and gave to me to put in my pocket. I had a hard time explaining why I had an extra pair of nylons in my suit pocket.

Blog-related and VERY recent:

I started seeing this guy here in Europe and through his blog found his girlfriend's blog (what! girlfriend?) back in the States and started to read it almost obsessively. Then the other day I found a post on her site about me obsessively lurking- she had tracked me through statcounter. Yikes! So I revealed myself and now we're like, friendly, so whatever. But still.

Also: farted during a performance review at a job, years ago. Loud, but not stinky.

I was not exactly the best athlete in high school, but I did like to try. I played soccer as a freshman...During one game a ball went flying into the air with an arc that made it clear I was going to have to try to get it with my head. The really unfortunate thing was that the ball and I were going to have to do this right in front of the bleachers, which were packed with people - including BOYS. Well, the inevitable happened: I jumped up to head the ball, and missed it entirely, which is probably one of the most awkward looking movements known to man. While the people in the bleachers laughed I tried to run it off like I wasn't embarrassed. As Miss Heather probably knows, it is damned tough being a gangly tall teenage girl (but we get some benefits out of it later, don't we Dooce?).

I was teaching a class when I was a graduate student. After class, one of my students came up to me:

"Ms. Blanchard, you know how you told us to tell you if you ever got chalk on your face?"

"Yes?"

"Well, your skirt's not zipped all the way up."

I reached around to my butt and zipped my skirt up. The good news is that I had on underwear. The bad news is that it was some of my ugliest granny bloomers I owned, white with little blue flowers on it.

That was about 5 years ago. I always check my zipper before class. (My husband just pointed out that before we were married and he was visiting me in NC from LA, I walked around the airport with my skirt tucked into my thong.)

Honestly, I have tons of embarrassing moments. Like milking my own boob at work on Friday because I forgot my breast pump. The butt trumps the boob though because I didn't milk my boob in class or in an airport.

Here's two for the price of one, both from high school because, you know, that's when you do the most embarrassing stuff. Anyway.

There was a very, very, very hot and young teacher in my highschool, Mr. D. Almost every hormonal high school girl had a crush on him. One day, in a hurry (as I often was--I was constantly flattening people against the lockers as I tore through the hallways), I blazed by the Guidance office door just as Mr. D was coming out. Not only did I body slam him, but also, red with embarrasment and trying to run away, I realized that I had my wrist stuck through the lanyard on his keychain, which was hanging out his back pocket. Read as: my wrist was on his ass.

#2: a ski story, to follow the theme: I had an epic crush on a boy named Adam from about fourth grade until sophomore year of high school. In eighth grade, we were on a school ski trip and waiting for the chair lift to go up the measly mountain. I stepped forward, but for some unknown reason, Adam hung back. Maybe he wanted to wait for someone else, maybe he just didn't want to ride with me, but I decided I would wait, too. I sidestepped, thinking I'd avoiding the path of the chair. Next thing I knew, I was flat on my face, the incoming chair having RUN ME OVER. They had to stop the lift, then Adam and I had to ride up the mountain together and it was not romantic at all.

Happy anniversary!

This is probably not the most embarrassing moment, but for some reason the most memorable. When I was about 10 I was a cheerleader on one of those squads for kids. It was already pretty embarrassing that I was the tallest and largest girl on the squad. Anyway, we had to do this cute little cheer where we kicked our leg up in the air. In a 10 year old pure adrenaline rush I kicked as hard as I could and my shoe flew off and ended up hitting someone in the stands.

As a preteen, I took gymnastics. I was pretty good and could do back handsprings and eleven thousand cartwheels in a row.

Most of the girls in my gymnastics class had slim, athletic bodies.
They didn't bother wearing a bra under their t-shirts to class, so I figured I shouldn't have to, either. This was a mistake because I had boobs.

During mat practice, I ran across the mat and turned a cartwheel. My t-shirt flew up, exposing my chest to the entire gymnasium.

My instructor, a man whose name I have blocked from memory since that day, said, "Hey, Danielle, you might want to think about WEARING A BRA TO CLASS FROM NOW ON!"

If I knew the word "motherfucker" back then, I'm sure I would have called him one.

Instead, I ran to the locker room, sobbing, and never returned. It was the worst, most embarrassing moment of my life and I still have boob issues to this day because of it.

Over the years, though, I've honed the skill of embarrassing myself in public to a fine art form.

I was at Costco w/ my hubby browsing through the books, completely unaware of my surroundings. Without looking up, I moved closer to my husband who was nearby and gently leaned my head on his shoulder.

Problem: It wasn't my husband. (!) Unbeknownst to me, my real hubby had gone around the isle of books and was now at the opposite end, on the other side of the store!

The man I had just gotten cozy with jumped 3 feet into the air, looked at me like I had the plague, said "You've completely lost it lady!" and fled.

If no one else had witnessed this, I probably could have laughed my way out of it, but *several* people, including my hubby saw the whole thing and laughed their asses off.

I was completely mortified. This happened over 15 years ago but to this day, whenever I think about it, I do a little heebie dance inside.

*shudder*

In other more happy news: Happy Blogiversary, Dooce! Here's to many, many more!

Having to speak at commencement in the fall. Or, well, thinking my partner had the speech and she thought I had the speech and well, no one had the speech. I had to run off stage in front of 400 of my peers, teachers and parents... And then the VPs made fun of me on the microphone.

At least I'm not afraid of public speaking anymore...

I was taking a night class to learn Spanish and of course, I was at home until the last minute doing the homework that was due, so I was in my flannel pajama pants (they were cute, which is my excuse for wearing them out of the house). My period chose that evening to start and I didn't have any protection. I was called up to the board to do some exercises and let's just say the professor sent me home at the break to change.

Happy VD Day!

I was at a play one day with my Mom ('My Fair Lady', if memory serves, this was about 15 years ago) and when I used the ladies' room at intermission, one side of my g-string broke. No big deal, I just threw them away and went commando for the rest of the afternoon.

After the show we went out to eat. I parked the car and waited at the crosswalk for the light to change. Waved at Mom, waited, waited. Big gust of wind came up and blew my skirt up over my head. My Mom and every single car waiting at the light saw EVERYTHING.

I'd have to say my most embarrassing moment happened when I was in 5th grade. It was common practice for me and my closest girl friends to go to the bathroom so that we could privately talk. So, it wasn't strange for one of us to say "Hey, want to go to the bathroom?" (Typing that out now is a bit embarrassing in itself.) One day I was talking with a boy named Kevin that I had a HUGE crush on. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go to the library, but "do you want to go to the bathroom" came out instead. M O R T I F I E D!

I was in kindergarden and I had a fear of certain black things. (Bizarre, but it made sense to a 5-year-old.) The big black drain at the bottom of the deep end swimming pool we went to, for instance, and...black toilet seats.

I had to pee but was terrified of the black toilet seat at school, so I held it. I was waiting in line for the bus to go home, in front of half my bus, when I couldn't hold it anymore. I think I was wearing a skirt, and so I ended up peeing on the sidewalk, basically.

I pretended like nothing had happened, got on the bus, and went home. Must've been pretty damn embarassing though if I still remember it 20+ years later...

i got married in Oct...and the fart thing is still new....however powerful..if you can do that!
You have secured a great mariage-- in my opinion!

November of 2003, I was on a plane that was heading towards the Middle East as I was in the Air Force at the time.
The flight was showing some boring movies and I was thinking I should probably take a nap. I drifted off to sleep only to have a horrifying dream. In my dream, my mother was a vampire and trying to kill me. She kept trying to attack me. I guess the dream got to me because I woke up while being shook by the flight attendant. Apparently, I began screaming bloody murder in my sleep and was scaring the other passengers.

I was mortfied.

Last semester in one of my english classes we had to give a group presentation. I was so nervous that I burst into tears in front of the entire class. My professor excused me from doing my part and let me leave to calm down. Luckily my part of the presentation was really small and not very important to the whole so I didn't fuck over my groupmates. We did end up getting an A. But I never wanted to go back to that class after that.

with me being the clumsiest person in the world i have a few.
but the one i can remember the most is i was in junior high or middle school as some people call it. and well i was sick for about a week and i was sneezing alot.. and my stomach hurt. so! in class i sneezed so hard that i farted and the ENTIRE class started to laugh .

I had just started seeing this guy that was attending the same summer program at an urban college as I was. We spent the weekend at the Cape and came back early on Monday morning. Before taking pre-class naps, we decided to get bagels and drinks and eat outside. I bought a bottle of juice and put it beside me, outside of the range of my peripheral vision. We were talking and I reached behind me to pick up the juice and shake it before drinking it, completely forgetting that I had opened it when I set it down. As I brought it around my body and shook the bottle, I soaked him completely in fruit juice.

I? Emerged entirely unscathed.

It was not a good moment.

I'm not sure it's the *most* embarrassing thing I've ever done, since it was 12 years ago, but it sure sucked then...

I was in the 4th grade and playing on the jungle gym. I was hanging by my knees upside down and went to flip over, but I forgot that my hands were hanging and not holding on the the bar... naturally I smacked face-first into the ground, bashing my nose in the dirt. It didn't break, but it bled like a mofo... I had a huge brown scab for almost a month, during which time I was photographed for the local paper for an art exhibit my class had done. We made paper mache' dinosaurs. I still have that brachiosaurus somewhere in the basement, along with the picture of me in my 'brown-nose' phase... heh heh.

I had my very first boyfriend in 9th grade, and I was over at his house for the first time, and I was feeling jittery and nervous. When I first walked into his kitchen, his dog started sniffing my crotch like there was no tomorrow. In my head I think to myself, "He must smell my cat." Out loud I say, "Do you smell my pussy?"

I cannot believe I am going to tell this story.

In university, I had a pretty small private dorm room. I had a little area with a sink and closet where I did most of my nightly preparations, had my closet and garbage can and whatnot, and dumped most of my clothes on the floor. One day I grabbed a shirt from the pile and ran into the common laundry room to iron it. There were a couple of girls in there already so we started chatting as I put the shirt on the ironing board, until I noticed the looks of horror on their faces. I looked down to the ironing board where my shirt lay.. with a used panty liner stuck to it for all the world to see. It must have been in the garbage can by the clothes pile. Gaaah.

Pregnancy’s most embarassing moment
October 08, 2004

I had a doctors appointment yesterday, and like every other one so far - there was the weighing in, the blood pressure, the asking questions and the directions for blood tests and what not inbetween this and my next appointment.

Everything is hunky dory, the doctor is about to come in and meet us and see if we have any additional questions. Well before he came in I asked the nurse about some girly things pertaining to my girly things and she suggested we have the doctor “take a look” just to ease my mind.

Ok, no big deal … I’ve done this before - I’m not nervous.

But then it happens, I’m laying on this bed with my butt hanging out in mid air and my feet hoisted in these stirrup things - and like a small wind passing in the field, I let one go.

Not just any piece of gas I keep stuck up there, I let the little airy one out - the one that makes noise like a creeky door upon exit because I’m trying my darndest to keep it up there without moving anything so the doctor won’t know I’m squirming for my dignity.

Lets just take a moment shall we?

I farted in my doctors face.

And then because I didn’t know what to do - I started laughing. Out loud. Like a school girl.

I wanted to pee my pants I was so embarassed.

When the teacher was handing out the locker assignments the first day of ninth grade, I was sitting in the back by these two cute girls who were chatting about their summer vacations. One of them had one some nice smelling perfume and it really got my attention -- if you know what I mean. When my name was called, I had to walk up to the front of the class with a lump in my jeans. I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried desperately to hide it to no avail. I could hear everyone snickering and whispering behind me. I had to take a hand out of my pants to get the lock. I swear I heard a gasp. Maybe it was in my mind, maybe it wasn’t. I quickly shoved the lock into my pants and walked back to my desk with my gaze not raising above the grain of the carpet.

I once put laundry detergent in the dishwasher.

For the record: it bubbles over and spills out on the floor.

I can fall UPstairs.

A good friend who was also a neighbor had called and invited me over for coffee and gossip. Happy to be out of the house I strode confidently, chin up, shoulders back, smile wide, across the street. Just bebopping on over, a spring in my step and happy to be alive.
I crossed through the dew dampened grass in my sandals, enjoying the feel of the cool moisture against my toes.Without a pause in my pace I hopped onto the first of five steps up to her door. And all that lovely damp dew on my shoes had my shoe, with my foot firmly inside, sliding down the edge of the step even as I was stepping to the next stair with the other. In a jumble of flying limbs I managed to crest the stairs, finally stopping with a LOUD thump of my head against the door. Sitting with my legs dangling down the stairs.
My friend opened the door with the statement "Oh honey you don't have to knock."
My neighbors, who had been gardening and gotten the whole show, said it was the best prat fall they'd ever seen.
Just one of many "I'm a bigger clutz than Jerry Lewis ever tried to be" moments.

I had been dating this guy for a while, and yes we were sinners, and I thought I was totally falling in love (but that's not why we were sinning -- I sinned with a lot of guys I didn't think I was in love with). One morning after waking up and sinning, he asked me if something was starting for me. I thought he was asking if my feelings for him were becoming serious... so I cuddled up to him, made the sexiest-nice-girl-the-kind-you-want-to-take-home-to-mom-and-then-rip-her-clothes-off face I could muster and then said "Yes, I think so"... All along, he was talking about the fact that I had started my period. We ended up married but only for 10 months. That J-Lo style marriage was pretty damn embarrasing too now that I think about it!

My family has a knack for embarrassing each other and I must say I rather enjoy it when I'm not the one being picked on.

I was probably most embarrassed when I was 12 years old, and my charming father told all my friends at my birthday party that I wanted to grow up to be a "sexpert", since my report card stated my glowing marks in the sex ed unit of health class.

HOWEVER being from the mean and teasing Roberts family, I do have to tell my sister Hilary's best story.

Hilary was about 9 years old and decided she was big and strong enough to climb the neighbours wire fence with them! Why, she could even do it in a skirt, god damn it, because she was an amazing gal.

She got halfway over the fence before she fell headfirst, but her underwear got caught on the fence. So instead of plummeting to the ground, she hung there by her ripped underwear waistband, her shining little bum there for all her friends to see.

The best part is there is a soccer field directly behind our houses, and two teams of men were playing.

She stopped the game with her full moon.

I have never laughed at her so hard in my life.

I was 18 years old and doing a long term housesitting job for a family. They had a horrible, horrible dog that was completely out of control. One morning I was in the shower when I heard a noise out in the living room. I thought it was the dog, so I rushed out, totally naked, and found a neighbor guy IN THE LIVING ROOM. He just started yelling at me that the dog was out. I was completely naked and was a good little Christian girl so was totally mortified. Now that wouldn't phase me much, but at the time it was so embarassing I thought I would die.

1. I let out a silent fart in the mall with my 10th grade boyfriend, only to realize it was the most disgustingly smelly fart of my entire life. To this day (I'm 27 now) I haven't let anything worse-smelling out of my bottom.

2. Spending an entire afternoon with a group of new neighbors with my fly down. I hate to even claim this one because I'm still floored that no one had the balls to tell me.

3. Totally had my skirt tucked into my pantyhose one night when I was waiting tables in college. I think every woman does this once, but I like to whine about my turn because it lasted 30 minutes or so, and AGAIN no one told me. After that I had to start accepting the fact that I'm unapproachable.

My junior year of college I was sitting in the same classroom in the same class with the same professor but in a slightly different seat than I had exactly one year prior. You see, my sophomore year I spent the first semester absolutely miserable in Genetics, Organic Chemistry, Statistics, and Shakespeare to 1600 (actually the Will Shakespeare class was awesome, the other three kicked my ass.)

So there I was, one year older and a little wiser and comfortably settling into my non-biochemistry degree. Alas, this still meant I had to take Statistics and try to improve my grade from that humiliating C- I got last year.

Little did I know that C- would have only been humiliating to me had I not decided to improve my grade.

I sat in that class on that first day and after the syllabus was handed out the professor stops and peers at me through his thick glasses. In a very thick Indian accent he points at me, in front of 35 other sophmores, and proclaims, "YOU. You look very familiar!"

I shrank about three inches in my seat and if I had testicles at this point they would have retracted into my body cavity. I muttered, "Yes." He spat back, "Ah you took this class before didn't you? And now you are back to do better, yes?"

And never in my life had I felt so humiliated as when this tenured professor with his incredibly thick Indian accent calling me on my stupidity in front of 35 other people.

One hot summer day I was at an outdoor concert, drunk and having a great time. I went to use the outhouse and before I sat down (I HAVE to sit down) I lined the seat with toilet paper. I was sweaty and the toilet paper clung to my ass. Being drunk, I forgot that I was sitting on sweaty toilet paper and finished my job and zipped my shorts up. There I went, trotting off to the beer vender with a white toilet paper tail sticking out of my shorts, and about 150 people standing in line for the Satellite, laughing their heads off....

Last year, as I was on my way to the post office, I was stopped at a red light, facing north, waiting impatiently to cross though the intersection as it was two days before my dad's birthday and I had completely forgotten to mail him a gift. Let it be known that I was distracted that day, and not paying very close attention to my surroundings. Eventually my light changed to green, but the east-/west-bound traffic kept going, despite their now red signal. I was the first car in the line, so I wasn't quite sure what to make of this. Naturally, like any impatient urban dweller with access to a horn, I started honking and gesturing angrily at the passing cars. "IT'S A RED LIGHT!!!" I shouted, as I honked some more at these people who seemed to be oblivious to all nationally recognized road signals. "WHAT THE HELL???" I yelled, and pointed at their red light. The passengers in the slowly passing cars just looked at me blankly and shook their heads. I made eye contact with the driver next to me and, again, gestured like, "Can you believe these people!?" That's when he rolled down his window and said, "IT'S A FUNERAL PROCESSION."

Pregnant with my son, ended up in the ER due to a little bit of spotting. Was sent away to do a pee sample in a cup and told to bring it back for the Doc to check. Filled the cup FULL, walked back to the cubicle, stumbled, and cup went flying and landed ALL OVER THE DOCTORS FACE.

After a particularly ugly divorce I was living on a nice street in a duplex. One of my neighbors invited me down for a beer on Saturday night which I gladly accepted. When I went home I had to pluck my eyebrows because I was going to a brand new church the next day, Easter Sunday.

I got out my magnifying mirror and my brand new heat in the microwave wax and waxed my eyebrows for the first time ever. It was so great, painless and fast and my eyebrows looked fabulous.

After viewing my face in my lighted magnifying mirror, with my slight buzz from being at the neighbors, I decided I had more of a mustache than I was comfortable with and I just happened to have this amazing new product that removed hair quickly and painlessly. Let’s do it! So, I waxed my upper lip. OH. MY. GOSH. Evidently plucking my eyebrows on an almost daily basis had toughened them up so they didn’t hurt to wax, what’s a bunch of hair vs. one hair at a time? No big deal. I had never waxed my upper lip before and it really hurt. I decided that was the end of my drunken waxing and went to bed so I could go to my BRAND NEW SINGLE’S SUNDAY SCHOOL the next day, Easter Sunday and easily THE BUSIEST DAY OF CHURCH ALL YEAR LONG.

The next morning I noticed when applying my foundation I noticed that it was having trouble sticking to my brand new, hair free upper lip. The hair seemed to act as a “holder” of the foundation. I decided it was okay after applying a liberal amount of powder to “cement” the foundation in place since I was now sans hair.

I went to Sunday school and the large number of bodies made the room warm, very warm. Not to mention that this was Texas so Easter is almost always on the warm side of spring and I was nervous. Between the crush of bodies, the warm spring sunshine and my nervousness I started to sweat, just a bit. Now imagine having skin that had just had the top layer ripped off so it was very sensitive to irritants, like salty sweat. I could see people starting to look at me like I was a freak but I just thought maybe I didn’t fit into the singles class I was attending for the very first time since my divorce. Being divorced did make you single, right? I would occasionally dab at my upper lip with a tissue trying to stop the burning.

After Sunday School was over I dashed into the bathroom to see why my upper lip was burning so badly… it was because it was irritated from the salty sweat, was now glowing a bright neon red and was swollen like I had been stung my wasps. It was like I had one of those big Sam Elliott mustache’s but mine was burning red tissue, not hair. I did eventually go back to Sunday school but not for a while and I never did fit in.

for me it would have to be when i was in grade school. i was a bed wetter back then. i always took a bath after i woke up and scrubbed myself thoroughly. but this one morning, when i got to school, right after saying the pledge (our teacher told us that if we didn't say it that a russian spy would kidnap us and take us away), the teacher announced "class! we have a bed wetter here. next time, if this child doesn't wash up before school, i'm going to tell you all who it is." no one laughed, but i was sure that they all knew it was me, and i was mortified (and very ashamed). to this day i would swear that i can still smell urine on me.

bty, happy bbd to one of the best bloggers around!

Wearing a lovely white sundress (sans underwear) to lunch with friends, when all of a sudden, "it" started a week early. I had dirty laundry in my car, so my friend grabbed some jeans, a shirt, and underwear for me. After a lot of difficult manuevering, and many awkward gawks from strangers I changed completely in the booth. I stuffed all available napkins into old underwear, we threw some cash on the table and promptly ran out.

When I was six or seven I was in a swimming class. In the middle of class I had to go to the bathroom but was terrified of the bathroom because there were usually "big girls" in there that would say mean things to me. So I thought I would hold it. Except that I couldn't. We were just starting to learn to dive and the teacher made us all lay on our stomachs at the edge of the pool. We were supposed to slither in. Well, he chose be to be the example and went to push me in. He pushed my butt and poop squished out of my bathing suit and all over the place while I went head-first into the pool (followed by some more poop). The ended up having to drain the pool to get it clean. I never went back to class.

I fell down the stairs at school in 10th grade, right after last period. The back stairs were jammed with people, and I was wearing Tevas that were too big for me. My toe caught on a stair, I pitched forward, heard a girl shriek, and that was the end of it.

I remember landing awkwardly at the bottom of the stairs against the wall, still holding my math book and calculator. One guy asked if I was okay, and I said, "Yeah, I'm fine..." and walked away. I made it to my locker, where I opened it, put my books away, then sat down and promptly went into shock.

I had a nasty bruise on my hip, another on my knee, and a broken foot. It's a wonder I didn't kill anyone on the way down, or have a head injury -- it was a big staircase!

On top of all this, I was on the school ski team, and when there was a winter sports assembly that I wasn't attending (for obvious reasons), my coach announced to the whole school why the MVP wasn't there. Bad, bad, bad.

When I was 18 years old I went to a high school across the city and I had to take the public bus through the worst part of town. It was quite common for junkies and mentally ill people to ride that bus. On the way home one day I sat next to a guy who looked pretty rough. Basically he had the shit kicked out of him and was all bruised and cut up. I should have known better. All of a sudden I felt wet on my leg and heard a splashing sound. The guy had peed his pants – and all over me too! He said “Ooops!” and ran off the bus. I stood there covered in some weirdo’s piss while another crazy lady started yelling to the rest of the bus that I had peed myself. The bus driver pulled over the bus and walked down the aisle to shake some kitty litter on the puddles all the while giving me a dirty look. I was mortified and couldn’t even defend myself. For the next hour that crazy lady kept on announcing to every new passenger that I had peed on the bus.

1) at age seven, i pooped on myself at the mall whilst shopping for a communion dress with my mom, who *refused* to leave until we found the perfect one.

2) at age 21, i fell down the stairs at college, in a forward kneeling position, when the heels of my pumps got stuck in the stairs, and i ripped my stockings and *totally* tore up my knees...just 20 minutes before a huge presentation.

3) at 110 pounds and 21 years old, i sat down on the edge of a friend's coffee table to talk to someone seated on the sofa, and i fell *directly through* the coffee table and completely broke it.

you pick. also, you having a blog for longer than any relationship shows that you truly can withstand dealing with all of your issues directly without giving up. go you!

First of all, when I did go to church, I was walking out of sacrament meeting with my child who was nearly 2, liked to talk and LIE her FACE off, and I told her firmly "if you can't be reverent I'm going to take you and sit you in the car with me for 10 minutes" in a whispered tone. She replied in the absolutely loudest voice on the planet of earth "NO MAMA! Don't beat me! Don't use the chains! Please mama, have MERCY!"

Yeah, um, can you say she didn't get to watch Nickelodeon ever again.

Also, here's a little something you're going to be pissed about because its fucking long, but hey, ya know, its a good one. Embarassing yes, good, hell fuckin yeah!

K, here, the Great Bare Ass Bonanza of 2004:

So this morning I was awakened by my 7th grader, my oldest...she was yapping in my face like a damn pomeranian about being late and boys who would be looking for her and how Kelly was bringing donuts and OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!! Le sigh... So I dragged my fat ass out of bed and pulled on the nearest thing to me, my pajama bottoms. I make my way to the car and slip on some silver ballet shoes (shut up they're freakin sweet yo) and got in the van. The whole way there she's yappin about this and that and how somebody was "making out" and how so and so was going out with whats his name and I did the motherly nod-and-grunt when there was a pause or when it deemed appropriate. We pull up to her school and she bounds out and as she's walking away, she stops, turns and yells "Mom! You should get a Coke!"

MIRACLES OF MIRACLES!!!!!!! That kids a genius! I love 6:45 am Cokes!

So I head to the 7-11, yes the same 7-11 I met freakin Bob Marley at. I walk in there, silver ballet shoes and jammies and all, and make myself a BIGG ASS Coke. I could swim in this fucker, its huge. In true "Alli" style, I say hello and good morning to everyone there, because I'm just that way. Sickeningly cheerful. I get to the counter, chat with the lady there for a second as the line behind me is deathly silent. "Hmm" I think, "must be really early for these folks...they're all deathly silent." So I go to my car, drive home and walk in the house. This is when Casey my 5 year old sees me walking into the kitchen.

"Mom...you have a hole in your bum."
"Why yes, we all do. Thats how we poop," I reply.
"No, you have a big hole in your pants..." he giggles.

I reach around and feel...DEAR LORD!!!

No, I do not have a "hole" but a freakin 8 inch horizontal hole in my pants. Not just that, but a sagging hole, my whole ass was exposed. To make it worse... (please do not read further if you are faint of heart, have heart conditions, diabetes, high blood pressure or are pregnant or think you might be pregnant)....

I slept in the nude from the waist down because I was lazy after my shower. My naked ass was hangin out for all to see. I was not wearing a long tshirt, I was not wearing underwear...

I was butt ass naked. Everyone I said hello to, everyone in LINE!, everyone...like 20 people...saw the cheerful-happy-goodmorningy-crazy-naked-ass lady...

Sometimes I just wanna shoot myself in the larynx...
__________________________

Love ya Heather, lets do Chai Lattes.

that is all

THE KRISPY KREME INCIDENT.

imagine cream-colored pants on a warm, summer day and i've got my sexy, strappy sandals on. i'm feelin' gooood...flittin' around the office instead of relying in the intra-office delivery system, flipping my hair over my shoulder, feeling like hot shit, really. i'm all "ooh! look at me!" struttin' my stuff past glass-walled conference rooms FILLED with people in boring meetings, half-listening as they watch people--me included--strolling by in the hall. i'm saying hi to everyone, excusing myself to stride through clusters of people talking in the hallways...you get the idea: high visibility.

now let's go back in time a bit: someone brought in krispy kremes that morning and i am not a girl who will turn away from a jelly-filled krispy kreme donut. about 3 hours after enjoying said donut, i used the ladies' room and did a little self-assessment twirl in front of the full-length mirror, only to see--to my HORROR--a RED STAIN about the size of TEA SAUCER on my CREAM-COLORED PANTS, RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ASS!

i tend to sit on the very front edge of my chair and can only assume that i took a bite of the donut while turning around to grab something from the printer behind me, dropped a glob of jelly on the back section of my seat and then slid my ass back into it shortly thereafter.

karma's a bitch.

When my son was little, like 2 years old maybe, we were standing in the long line waiting to checkout. We were near those racks right by the checkstands. You know, that rack that contains such a variety of things they want you to impulse purchase or handy things they think you might have forgotten. My son spies a box that he has got to have so he wanders forward and picks it up holding it above his head like it's the grand prize. He crows loudly, " Momma, Fuck o fit!" He's holding a box of Trojans. I gently pry the box from his hands and tell him that no, he cannot have the box of chocolate. (Yes, that is how he pronounced chocolate.) He is heartbroken and wails, "FUCK O FIIIIIT" clutching this box to his chest and crumbles to the floor in a little dejected pile of boy.

I attended a Christmas party at my boss's house. I ahd only been there for three months. His son and I got drunk. VERY drunk. While everyone sat around and sang Christmas songs, I went out on the back porch, sat in a chair, and commenced puking. I puked all over myself and all over his back porch. My boss's son(who will be my future boss) and my husband had to carry me to the car, WHILE I WAS STILL BARFING.

I've never lived down that night. But I still work for the man, two years later.

When I was in the 5th grade, my mother picked me up after school two days a week for Hebrew School. One afternoon, I desperately had to relieve myself, but she insisted we stop to buy a new backpack for me. We stopped at this children's boutique at a little strip mall in my neighborhood, and who should be in there but my best friend's mother. I reminded my mother that I needed to use the restroom, but the cranky old biddies at the store refused to let me use theirs.

I grabbed the first backpack I saw and did the pee-pee dance while my mother paid and exchanged pleasantries with my friend's mom. Finally, my 11 year old bladder could take it no longer, and I peed all over my legs and the carpeting.

I was mortified, my mother was furious, and the old biddies were very sorry they hadn't let me use the restroom.

The worst part? My mother drove me home and made me shower and change, and she STILL made me go to Hebrew School!

Two stories for the indulgent. I am a ...ahem... mature man well past the age where a ypung girl would be interested unless there was a sense I had dollars like The Donald throws around on young beauties.

I was talking to a really beatutiful young redhead at the local bookstore coffee shop and ahe told me she was studying international organizations in her poly-sci class. I immediately retorted that I thought she could have a great career in international orgasms! There was a pause and then we both broke out in laughter. I pled Freud and she let me off the hook!

Yeras ago I was recovering from a night of revelry when I was called to company HQ for a meeting with the head honcho. I twas the days of suits and ties and I was accordingly dressed. On the way I felt a rumbling echo of the effects the prevuious night's alcohol. I squeezed my bun cheeks and vowed to make it to the corporate bathroom. But it got worse. Finally I was squeezing so tight that my ass was three feet off the seat and my head was touching the ceiling. Then the diarheaa lobbyists prevailed on my sphincter to "pass the bill" and the asshole signed it. A virtual flood insued and I had to call and explain why I was going to be an hour late. (I dashed home to recover my dignity, shower, and change.) What an embarrassment!

I've blocked out all of my embarrassing moments from before I was a mother. But in the last year I've enjoyed several priceless moments...
My child yelling DANGER WHORE! DANGER WHORE! DANGER WHORE! because he was soooo excited about the plastic dinosaur I had given him.

Realizing that I'd been running around all day with a sticker that said "That's what friends are for!" across my ass. I mean, my clothes are always plastered with stickers, but that one was actually embarrassing.

Early in potty training days we were in the bathroom of a Barnes & Noble. A woman walked into the stall next to us and my son announced "What's that MAN doing?"
"That's a lady"
"Noooo it's a man. That man is peeing! That man is peeeeeeing Mama."
"She's a lady."
"That man flushed. He did a good job!"

Ummm then there was the time he pooped on the floor in Hobby Lobby and very loudly accused someone else of doing it. He sounded so horrified. "That MAN POOPED ON THE FLOOR! At HOBBY LOBBY! Somebody needs to clean it UP!!"

God there are so many more. Life with a toddler would be one continuous embarrassing moment if it weren't so completely entertaining.

i have a fart one -- only i wasn't in school. i was delivering my first son, in a room filled with family, doctors and nurses. PUSH! and i did. at least it was ONLY a fart. whew.

Who: me, 20 years old
What: steep, 4-story water slide
Where: Ocean City, MD
When: Summer 1988
Why: Welll, only boys were going down the slide. So, in front of my boyfriend, his friends and the rest of Maryland, I went down the slide. "Waaaaahooooooo!" I yelled to the onlookers, as I lifted my arms triumphantly overhead at the bottom of the slide.
"Your top," said my boyfriend's best friend (my boyfriend had no voice for some reason). Yup. Floating next to me.

Three hours later, walking past a biker bar, a seedy character said "Why hello again! It's the little girl we saw...."

yea yea yea, buddy.

I think all of my embarrassing moments involve me farting. 5th grade, seated on floor, legs spread wide open, let one rip while laughing. Teacher, trying not to laugh, "Now THAT was uncalled for." At a formal party celebrating a friend's law school graduation, thought I could let one slip after a bout of stomach flu. Farted for like 5 minutes, feeling great. EVERYONE in the circle I was standing and talking to in my formal dress heard it, and I thought I was being so smooth. One woman's response: "Toni, you SOW!" My response? I DENIED IT, even going to the lengths of looking behind me for the source. While pregnant, shopping at IKEA, wearing those cute denim overalls, getting up from a chair, ripping a cheek-slapper. My husband, sounding like a schoolmarm: "Toni! EXCUSE yourself!" After giving birth, numbed from the waist down due to epidural, my first son's godfather came to visit. I farted for like 5 minutes as he stood by my bedside. I think I deserve a coupon or something for having just SHOVED A PERSON out my verticle mile, but instead, a month later we were out for beers and he ordered one called "Old Speckled Hen." Then someone brought up the postpartum fart, and the godfather started calling ME an old specked hen. I had to kill him. There was no other choice. Thus ends My Life In Farts. It's kind of like Beaches, only instead of friends and terminal illness, it's me. And farts.

High school. Huge high school. Like 2500 people.

And when my best friend is murdered, suddenly everyone who wants to get out of classes for the day is dying to be at the funeral.

And in the midst of a lugubrious crowd of heartfelt and posing mourners, I --

(the friend, the fellow marching band member, the one who had run around the halls the day before she was killed taking a random survey of who's ear were attached and who's were not)

-- begin to pass out. What the fuck. I'm adolescent. There's hundreds of us packed into a hot church. The mother's keening fills the air. And I lean into the black hole of unconsciousness.

Enter my father. Who sees young daughter falling fast toward the pew and reaches out to catch me by the back of my oh-so-stylish cowl-neck angora black sweater.

He yanks backwards pulling both me and the sweater safely UP.

And then the three of us -- me and both of my breasts -- are laid out in the aisle of the church while most of the rest of my school gets a good look at my boobs.

This, people, is MORTIFICATION.

Another one: My Hubby and I were still dating; we had recently become intimate but hadn't yet moved in together. One night I'm in bed with the covers up to my chin and he's getting ready to come to bed. I sneeze and FART loudly at the same time. I was mortified. Needless to say there was no mad oral sex that night.

When I was in catholic high school, they used to reward the honor roll students with a breakfast. You got to miss class and the principal would hand out these award certificates. Well wouldn't you know, right as he's getting to my name, and I'm supposed to stand up and shake his hand, somethin else is standing up too. It even slipped out of the hole in my tighty-whitey's (you know guys, that useless hole that I guess is supposed to be used for peeing). Well thank God, that I was in a Catholic school and had to wear a sport coat, because I stuffed a hand in my sport coat pocket and shielded the view from the eyes of the innocent. The principal probably wondered why I only used one hand to shake his hand and receive the award, but there was no way I was gonna take my hand out of my sport jacket. And nobody ever said a thing to me. I guess this isn't really an embarassing moment, but how I avoided the most embarassing moment. But I was still red faced at my seat when I sat back down.

Hmm... there was the time some friends heard my boyfriend and I having sex from their hotel room (which was right next to ours).

But the one that stands out most was one night, several years ago (high school, I think), when I had to go downtown (Boston) for an event, and was all dressed up. I was taking public transportation, and transferred from a train to an underground trolley. At that time, I was at one of the main stations in Boston so the trolley had just emptied. I got on, surveyed all of the seats, and decided (idiotically) that I would stand since it was just a few stops. I took the same exact route to school every day, and was used to standing--but not in heels.

Anyway, I figured the steadiest place to stand, while wearing high heels, was the end of the car, where there were steps leading down to a door. (I don't know why I thought that, but I did.) So I planted myself above the step and grabbed hold of the pole.

The car started to fill up and a man got on and, before taking a seat, asked if I'd like it. I told him, "No thanks--just going a few stops." A second man got on and asked me the same thing; I gave him the same answer. Now the car was pretty packed, and a third man got on and--you guessed it--asked me if I wanted to sit. Of course, I refused.

So we finally took off and suddenly I realized I might've made a mistake. The trolley was twisting and turning everytime there was a curve in the tunnel; it was getting pretty bad. All of the sudden it took a sharp turn. I was holding onto the pole with both hands, and the next thing I knew, my body went flying--in an arc formation, since I was still holding on--down the stairs and slammed against the door, opening it a little. A bunch of men jumped up to grab me and help me up, and one of the guys next to me, said, "I bet you wish now that you'd taken my seat!"

I've had a lot of embarrasing stories, but this is the one I remember the most.

I was meeting up with a really good friend that I had not seen for bout a month. I saw him at the atm, and thought it'll be funny if I sneak up and head-lock him. When he turned around, I was mortified to see that it wasn't him at all.... poor guy, he must've thought that I was trying to rob him as he was taking cash out of the atm....

Now I always double check before I head-lock others...

I'm blogging the Oscars tonight. That's pretty embarassing. I feel like Wonkette.

Once, when I was in college, I went to a party hosted by some classmates at at house off campus.
I was feeling oh so mature and cool.
In the corner of the living room sat a young woman I had never seen before. She was very pretty but seemed quite spaced out. She was just sort of gazing off into space. I walked over to some friends. Mostly older students much cooler than me and said, in the most judgemental voice I could muster because I was SO cool you know, I said, "Who is that? She looks like such a space case. I mean, what is she on acid or something?"
One of the much cooler, older students replied.... "that's my wife."

I was 12 years old and on stage in front of probably a thousand people at my dance recital. I was dressed in a sparkly white leotard dotted with red and blue stars and on my period. I'd only started a few months before, so I was still stuck in the land of panty liners. I don't know if it was the rigorous tap dancing or the nerves or what, but right on stage, I started to flood. There was nothing I could do but keep smiling, dancing, and hope no one could see. On the tape you can see me trying to furtively look down and gauge the damage. Once the curtain dropped, I raced off stage, grabbed my mother by the wrist, and jerked her into the bathroom. The costume was totally ruined, and I'd even bled onto my tights. That was the last time I ever used panty liners.

A close runner up is when I was in Sam's with my uncle and he let out the loudest, smelliest, grosses fart ever that echoed in that huge warehouse space and everyone within a 100 foot radius turned to look at us and he pointed at me.

Farting in yoga class. Has to happen to someone.

I have to add another one, but this is my parent's most embarrassing story, caused by me. Hahahaha!
One morning when I was three, I was sititng on my Dad's lap, and he was wearing pjs that have the split in the front of the pants, with the little button. I moved around a bit, and as I did, my hand accidentally went into the split and I grabbed my Dad's penis. He screamed his head off and practically threw me to get away from me. I laughed and laughed and laughed.
The next day, we went to our first sermon at a brand new church. Because we were new, the pastor came to greet us, and when he said hello to me, I announced, "My Daddy put his penis on my hand!".
Both my parents could not even speak real words they were so embarrassed.
Also, when my Dad had a vasectomy, a neighbour came to visit, and when my sister and I opened the door, we told the neighbour, "Our Daddy has stitches in his penis". Poor Dad.

To say that I was awkward in high school doesn't even begin to cover it. I was anything but popular and tried to fit in by accessorizing one of the only ways you could with a uniform -- big chunky heeled shoes.
My classmates liked to hang out in the parking lot before class, so the place was crowded when I got to school. I pulled into the lot in my oh-so-stylish 1991 Oldsmobile Delta 88 and went to park... My big chunky heel caught on my purse and instead of the brake, I hit the gas. My car went over the curb and ended up at an almost 90 degree angle in the 6 foot deep ditch that surrounded the parking lot. I climbed out of the car and out of the ditch to see everyone clumped up just watching me in my utter humiliation.
I managed to escape that horrible school at the of that year, after two years of feeling like crap and hating myself. I liked my next school much better.

I've done the whole pee'd my pants as a child thing, but I have to say the most embarrassing that I can think of atm is when I was pregnant with my second child.

See, by the birth of your first child, there's not much that phases you with doctors examinations. So all was fine there.

But every visit, they ask you to do a urine test. Hand you this little container and off you go.

Me? I of course had been to the bathroom earlier that morning, and ironically enough for a pregnant woman, didn't need to pee. So I finally managed to squeeze a few drops out into the cup and what happens??

I. Dropped. The. Cup. Into. The. Toilet.

I had to first fish it out and throw it in the bin, wash hands repeatedly, and then, go and explain it all to the nurse and ask for another cup.

She found it hysterical, and shared it with the other nurses in the room.

After that, I always made sure that no matter how much I needed to pee, even on the bus ride in to the hospital, I would not go until I'd had that little test.

:)

Let's just say that I suffer the same sluggish bathroom patterns as Dooce. So when I gotta go, I don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

So I'm grocery shopping with my mom and my boyfriend when the urge hits. No sweat. I go to the store's single person bathroom and let nature take its course. And friends, let us say that nature took THE LOOOONG and TALL course. I had to marvel at the stature of it, standing proud in there. My usual is more like a small pile of pebbles people - this is an accomplishment.
Then there's a knock at the door.
Okay, I'll just flush and use a LOT of soap to scent the air when I wash my hands. No biggie.
FLUSH.
This monster that I have created is falls ACROSS the bowl and not about to move.
FLUSH.
Nope - sturdier than the land bridge that brought the first Americans to this continent.
Uh-oh. I grab a plunger, flip it over to try to break the thing up with the stick part because I was afraid the whole loaf would get STUCK IN THE CUP OF THE PLUNGER. Then I thought about the next poor Dominick's schmuck who'd have to plunge and I was so racked with guilt I wanted to stick my head in the toilet but there was no room for me and TURD.
So I broke it into two manageable pieces - it was like when the booster rockets come off the space shuttle people. FLUSH and down they both went.
Except now it looks like I flushed a sack of brownies.
FLUSH FLUSH FLUSH - still septic heiroglyphics.
Oh fuck it.
I walked out of that toilet to the prim little yuppie girl who was waiting outside. I gave the little fake smile and sauntered on my way before the SCREAM that I was sure would come from the bathroom.

Of course now I can think of a million ways I could have handled that better - but that poo made me panic!

Heather knowing my most embarrassing moment.

OH HELL NO.

I love you girl, but it ain't happening!

As a true member of the dork club, I skipped second grade and spent the rest of elementary school trying to overcome the stigma. So in fifth grade our class was all lined up at the classroom door to leave for lunch. As we began to file out, I turned around to flirt a litle with the boy behind me.

We were still walking, and I finished my exchange with him and turned to face forward just as the classroom door swung back and connected with my forehead with an audible bang.

As if that weren't bad enough, the door had a little safety window in it, the kind with the wires all through the glass. The force of my forehead bashing into it was strong enough to shatter the glass, but it remained stuck there in its safety wires for the next day or two.

My teacher made a big fuss over me while I hid my head in my hands and cried, but I was more upset about the humiliation than the pain, which wasn't all that bad.

Standing at the elevator with my 2+ year old daughter (#2). We are in a group of people one of whom happens to be a very portly man. Daughter #2 looks at him and very loudly proclaims "MOMMA, THAT'S A FAT MAN, MOMMA!". I nod and try to ignore the statement hoping that the other people (especially the man in question) can't understand her babytalk. Seeing as how she didn't get the response she wanted (a lesson to be learned here, dooce, for when your little Leta is talking - don't ignore them, it only gets worse) she proceeded to yell the statement three times as loud and was enunciating (didn't know she could do that) "HE'S FAT, MOMMA! THAT'S A FAT MAN, MOMMA!" . This went on for 4 or 5 more times before I bent down and gave her the "We don't say things like that!" lecture (through clenched teeth). I smiled at the man , shrugged my shoulders and said "Kids!". He said something like "Out of the mouths of babes." I still see him sometimes at work. I pretend I don't know him.

When we got back to our car the damn kid says "He looked like Santa, Momma!" WHY couldn't she have said that in front of him?

M.

Oh, easy. You're going to love this one.

You've had a baby, so you might be acquainted with the peri-bottle, that plastic squeezey water bottle they give you in the hospital for the purpose of squirting warm water onto the stitches in your nether regions. They send you home with instructions to use this thing every time you pee.

When I had my first kid, we lived in a townhome/apartment. The bathroom was on the second floor. The toilet was directly across from the window. I went up to pee one day, and afterward I dutifully splayed my knees open and squirted that peri-bottle all over my stitches until it was empty.

After I was done, I looked up and saw the ladder propped against my window and the pair of feet of the guy who had climbed up to work on the roof -- meaning that he had climbed directly past my window while I was irrigating my stitches with legs akimbo. Now that I think back on it, he was probably as traumatized by the experience as I was.

Well, my story is VERY similar to yours, only i was in a friends house... there had been a party and we all stayed there so we wouldnt have to drive. So i was asleep in one of the bedrooms, and i was dreaming that i farted, but it was a loooooooonnnngggg one, really, like 15 seconds or so, and It was so loud that i woke myself up... to find out that my CRUSH was sleeping in the same bed, with me!

about 3 years ago, i was in Minneapolis visiting a client (you know the one... they use a dog in a lot of their ads). there were about 30 people sitting around a big conference table and some of us were sitting on tables behind the people sitting around the big table. my friend tamara was giving a presentation on the usability of the site and some personas stuff. I took a big sip of water at the same time someone said something funny and i proceeded to spit water all over the vice president of said company. i guess you had to be there -- but let me say that i was pretty damn embarassed.

In fifth grade, the four fifth grade classes (that was the first grade where we actually switched classes rather than stay with the same teacher all day) lined up for lunch on a series of stairs with about 80 students standing on stairs getting ready to go down, and some ready to go up, out the central door to lunch. I hadn't felt well that day, but my mother made me go to school. Anyway, I'm standing there, waiting for the other classes to assemble and I had the feeling I was going to throw up. I tried to get the teacher's attention: "I need to go to the bathroom, I'm going to...WHOOAAAALLLGGHHH!" and I let loose nearly 3/4 of my body weight in vomit, right over the edge of the railing, onto the ONLY empty staircase in the lobby (Thank god it was the empty staircase). There was a brief moment of silence, then a collective "EEEWWWWWW!!!" from the students. I shoved past them and ran for the nearest bathroom, shoving the door open and grabbing for the stall door, pulling instead of pushing inward in my panic. I remembered to push then, just in time for me to spray another fountain of barf all over the stall. I spent the next day at home, hoping to disappear, and when it didn't happen, I returned to school the next day. Surprisingly, only one person pointed out that my throw-up had smelled bad. I told her, "Of course it did, you ass, it's vomit!" and no one else ever mentioned it.

A memorable embarrassing moment:

I was renting a house, and wanted to get in some flat-mates to share the renting burden. I advertised in the Saturday paper.

On the Wednesday before my toilet blocked up. Of course I frantically call the Realestate, but I have days till my ad will be in the paper. On Thursday things are still not fixed. Why weren't they fixed?!? I call again... what is the hold up?

Friday, the problem is fixed, no-one called to say it was fixed. I do a quick investigation to find poop through my yard. People are coming to look at my spare room, and there is poop in the yard.

It wasn't cleaned up by morning, I had to cover it with newspaper. I was completely ashamed showing people through my house and yard; saying how nice everything is, and please ignore the poop covered in newspaper.

I had mono my freshman year of college and my boyfriend at the time wouldn't kiss me while I was sick (big surprise we broke up a month later...). My mom was getting married over Christmas break and my boyfriend and two best friends were sleeping over to attend the wedding. We were all sleeping on the living room floor and my boyfriend leaned over and whispered "Merry Christmas" and kissed me. I got excited since this was the first time we had kissed in months, and we started making out. We decided to sneak into the bathroom because we were nervous that my friends would wake up. I was sitting on the sink with my shirt off and things were getting pretty hot when my best friend swung the bathroom door open. She squeaked and slammed the door shut. My other friend had woken up as well by this point and my boyfriend and I had to do the walk of shame back to the living room. The whole next day, in front of my family, my friends snickered about needing to use the bathroom.
At least my mom didn't walk in!

I've always been a tall girl -- and all throughout my gradeschool years I was *much* taller and more physically developed than my classmates.

When I was in the fifth grade, the teacher left the classroom for a few minutes to go find a visitor that we were expecting that day. While she was gone, the visitor arrived. I was sitting with all of my classmates at a big table... and because I was so much bigger and taller (and was developing boobs!) the man assumed that *I* must be a student teacher. He walked up to me, shook my hand and started talking to me about the presentation he was going to give. All of my classmates started laughing, I was horrified, and fortunately our teacher walked back into the room just in time to save me from any more embarrassment! It was awful at the time, but when I think of it now, I chuckle. I also feel bad for the man, because I am sure he was probably almost as embarrassed as I was.

Being an amazon girl sucked. :P

never underestimate the power of a good fart joke. butts and farts are funny!

tv ratings go up 30 percent every time there is a monkey in a scene.
monkeys are funny too!

I went into an unfamiliar restroom in the Science Dept. at Weber State University. After taking care of business, I came out of the stall to see two men, at the sinks, staring at me. I was wondering why they were in there when it dawned on me I was in the men's bathroom. Duh.

i have too many embarrassing moments to count, but here's one:

summer 2002. i'd just graduated college and was subletting my professor's apartment for the summer while he was at his summer home in the hamptons [i know, fancy shmancy, right?] so i'm living it up on the upper west side and whatnot, feeling like i own the world. one night, i make plans with some friends in lower manhattan and begin walking to the subway. i'm bopping down the street with headphones on, listening to rufus wainwright. oh, i'm SO AWESOME. i go to cross the street right before the oncoming traffic gets their green light, and the light turns green when i'm in the middle of the road. a cab comes flying from a few blocks back and is heading straight at me. i try to pick up the pace, only to trip in the middle of broadway and 79th street, doing that overly-dramatic leap out of the way of the oncoming car that ONLY happens in movies. the cab's brakes screech to a halt RIGHT in front of me. i land hard near the other side of the road, scraping up my ankle. this is a very busy area at a very busy time of day, so i'd guess that at least 23583235325 people saw this happen. some of them stop and stare at me wide-eyed. they say "oh my gosh, are you okay??" and, inexplicably, i get right up, reply "...who DOES that?" put on my headphones and keep on walking, blood totally dripping from my leg. it wasn't until i got to my friend's apartment and started telling her what happened that i realized: a.) how close i'd come to seriously being run over, b.) how TOTALLY FUCKING EMBARRASSING IT WAS to trip-n-leap in the middle of broadway, and c.)how bizarre my reaction was.

Embarrassing moments.... so many, so little space to describe them all. Here's my fav:

My first time in Hawaii was when my husband and I eloped. He lived there for awhile years before so he understood a few things Hawaiian.... like ocean waves. First day on Oahu, we rented a car and drove around the island. He got all excited when he saw some people body surfing and said we had to join them. He was the first in the waves and was out there having a great time. I was on the beach getting ready to go in when I struck up a conversation with another couple. They told me they thought the waves were too high so they were staying on the beach... meanwhile my hubby is out there body surfing with the best of them so I figure - I'm going in!

I should mention here that I am the new owner of contact lenses (didn't want to wear glasses on my special day). These are not the daily lenses you can buy today. These are expensive to replace contact lenses. But I'm not thinking about that as I run to the surf. I am just thrilled that I can see clearly at a beach without wearing cumbersome glasses.

I dash into the ocean ready to join my husband in the fun but the surf is surprisingly strong and knocks me down. I turn somersaults in the water. Holding my breath I force myself to stand up and am knocked over again by a new wave. Turning and twisting in the water, I worry less about breathing than losing my contacts. Finally, my husband is able to swim to me and drag me out of the surf.

I'm OK. I not scared at all (just glad that i didn't lose those contact lenses). Back on the beach I am aware that I've drawn a bit of a crowd. One guy is aiming a movie camera at me. Everyone is staring at... my crotch! My suit is hanging down to my knees... filled with sand (not poo, I swear). Everyone giggles as I run to the bathroom to empty out the load.

I've been reading a while, but thought I would post. I love hearing these funny stories. I guess my most embarrassing moment would be girl scout day camp. First day of camp on a farm out in the country. I had no idea what cow shit looked like, and had no idea it could be so HUGE. Afternoon comes, and I sit down, not wanting to sit on the ground because I've got my favorite peach colored shorts on, I sit on what looks like a rock. Not five seconds later, the "rock" caves in. Needless to say, I realized it was cow shit, it just looked like a rock. My shorts that I loved so much were positively pooptified after that. One thing we were required to bring was a change of clothes, good thing I did. Everybody was laughing. They're still laughing.

I was 7 and was outside playing Hide and Seek with my friends in the neighborhood. I realized I had to pee, but I didn't want to go inside and miss any of the action, so I sat down in the "hold it" position in the middle of my front yard. You know the position I'm talking about. Legs crossed up underneath, heel pressed on vital area to hold it all in. Please tell me I'm not the only one who knows this position.

So, I'm in the assumed position and my Dad is out finishing up cutting the grass. He has just put the swept up grass into lawn bags and comes over to me yelling, "Hey Becca, want a ride?"

Meaning, did I want a ride on his shoulders.

I said, "No, Daddy. Not now."

My Mom, sitting on the front porch and realizing what was going on, says, "She doesn't want to do that now."

My Dad ignored her and me and picked me up anyway and on the way up to his shoulders, he got a nice warm surprise.

Oh yes, I pissed all over his head. In front of my neighborhood friends. All of them. Every single one of them.

He quickly put me down and you know what I said? I said, "I'm not finished."

And then I run inside.

I don't think I ever got a ride on my Dad's shoulders again, but fortunately my friends in the neighborhood forgot about it with the next embarrassing moment someone else had to deal with.

This memory is still so vivid in my mind though, that I can still smell the freshly cut grass and feel the warmth of the pee trickling down my leg.

Why, oh why, can't I remember really good moments like that?

I spend about half my week at my boyfriend's house, and invariably end up carrying clothes back and forth in a Gap bag, just because that's what I have for clothes transport. I also keep various other necessities in the bag, like pantyliners.

Right before the election, I was telling my boss about the great "November 2" shirts that my boyfriend's sister had gotten us, and she asked to see it. I pulled out the Gap bag, and my boss reached into it, pulling out not only the shirt but some of the previous day's underwear and a pantyliner. The pantyliner wasn't used, but I think my boss is cured of the grabbies now.

Damn, that was humiliating. I didn't need her to know about my pink and blue striped bikini panties...or the pantyliners.

Le sigh
OKay, it was my junior year in high school and it happened to be raing a lot on a certain day. Anyhow, when it rains, they open the gym for lunck so that people don't have stay in the rain. My friends and i hung out in an alcove right next to the gym.

Well, the bell rang to get back to class after lunch and we all started to head out from out alcove. We got to the front of the gym and tons of people were coming out of it. There was this puddle in front of where we had to cross, so we decided to jump it.

My friend Crystal went first. My friend Skyler helped her over by taking her hand when she jumped. When it was my turn, i thought he'd do the same, but no. I jumped, landed on the opposite bank, slipped and fell right back into the puddle on my ass. In front of the hundreds of classmates coming out of the gym. And everyone was laughing. Even my friends.

To make things worse, when i went into the locker room to change pants, these girls in there proceeded to chant "Muddy butt!" over and over again.

i wanted to die.

Happy Birthday, Dooce baby!

I was living with my grandparents for a semester during college. One Friday night I went out with a guy and we had a nice time. I wound up hiding in my room for the rest of the weekend due to the big fat hickey on my neck.

Finally on Sunday night my grandma called through my bedroom door and asked in a huffy voice if I was going to join them for dinner. I couldn't get out of it without really offending her. So I pulled my long hair down around my neck and went out to help her set the table.

As she was handing me the plates she leaned in ever-so-slightly and asked, "Where did you get that hickey?"

I know I could have died right there. My grandma said "hickey"! And she saw one on me!

Happy birthday to your blog and Happy birthday to me!! What a nice coincidence! :) I love your writing, you're great!

You'll appreciate this one, I think...

I grew up Catholic and was the sacristan during mass...(set up everything, passed out the collection baskets, cleaned up etc) I was collecting all the baskets after the offering part of mass and I had about 12 baskets all full of money....they were stacked inside each other and were so tall they passed above my head, so I couldn't see well. And of course I didn't see the man's legs sticking out the side of the pew and of course I tripped over them and of course I went down.....hard.....and all the baskets of money went with me....it was a huge church with lots of people and those people liked to donate lots of money.....let's just say it was very embaressing....I think that was the beginning of the end of my church going. :)

LORI

recently, on an anniversary card to my hubbie, i wrote: "You know, I could be successful in school without you. Or life." ah, for the lacking of an "n", " ' ", and "t"....

About two years ago I slammed my boob in the car door.

Yes, really.

it was a birthday party inthe local park for my neice and literally EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HER RELATIVES were there - that was about 50 people and I only knew about half of them. We were loading up the car to leave, and I was talking to my husband while leaning over the roof of the car witht he door open and my son slams the door because he was done doing whatever he was doing int he back seat.

My voice immediately changed into a small quiet and deadly serious one - Open the door
DH: what?
ME: Open the door
DH: it is open, you are leaning on it
ME: Open the OTHER door, NOW
DH: My door?
ME: No, open the rear door now, open it open it OPEN IT
DH: You are right there, why can't you open it?

Now ladies, if you have ever had a mammogram, you know that you can't move but two millimeters in any direction adn that once squeezed, whatever position your arms were in - they will stay there because any movement is agony. And he WANTS ME TO OPEN THE DOOR MYSELF. Let's put your balls in a vise and see if you can lift your leg, let alone open a door with it.

ME: JUST OPEN THE FREAKING DOOR NOW
DH: (coming around the car finally) Fine! whatever! Move over and I will!

I'm in near tears at this point, and we were gathering a crowd. I didn't want to announce what had happened to everyone...

ME: I CAN'T move
DH: Why not? just move!
ME: (hissing) I'm STUCK
DH: what?
ME: (hissing)My BOOB is STUCK in the car DOOR!!! O-PEN IT RIGHT NOW!
DH: (loudly) You slammed your boob in the car door??? (Opens door)

I was so happy to be out of that door - everyone was laughing so hard at me they couldn't breathe, about all I could do was sit there with my arms hugged tightly to myself and take all the ribbing about "so blonde she slams her boobs inthe door" "Only Karry could do something like that" I wanted to die....

So - my pain, your laughter! Glad to be of service somehow - enjoy!

My husband's family is huge, but once a year they roll 150 deep to a picnic spot and have a big born-again extravaganza. Sure it's scary, but the enchiladas ROCK.

Husband and I had just started dating when I attended my first Rodriguez party. My future mother-in-law got up and asked everyone to say a prayer for my "precious uterus", which would "deliver the future of our family."

Good afternoon, everyone. My reproductive system and I are pleased to meet you.

I had a similar incident to number 29- but to add my own little funny twist.

I was a 4th grade Sunday School teacher and we were having our little Christmas party for the kids and their parents. As the evening drew to a close, I walked up beside my husband, put my arm around his waist and chin on his shoulder and said, "Honey, I think we need to go soon." Then 2 thoughts went through my head. 1) I am 5'2", my husband is 6'3"... I can't put my chin on his shoulder. and 2) That is my husband staring at me in a very bemused fashion from across the room. I had my arm around one on my student's MOM! She had a very short hair style and was wearing the same color shirt and jeans as my husband!

Needless to say I was mortified.

I was dating this guy and we were going away for the weekend. It would be our first overnight, we hadn't done the deed yet..and I was a little nervous. So we are in the hotel room, it's time to get ready for bed, and being a fairly modest person I'm a little worried about the whole getting undressed and getting into bed thing. He heads to the bathroom and I'm thinking "yes!" an opportunity to get naked and under the covers before he comes out. So I quickly undress and hop under the covers just in the nick of time. Out he comes...strutting around, obviously very comfortable with his nakeness. He finally gets into bed, and rolls over towards me only to say "Hey, where are you?" I then realized that there was a sheet between us. OH. MY. GOD! You know how hotels don't use fitted sheets? They use a flat sheet instead and just tuck it around the mattress? Yep...you guessed it, in my haste to get under those covers, I had pulled one too many sheets down and was under the bottom sheet. Shit. No I have to get out of bed, and remake it, naked as a blue jay, while the bf laughs his ass off. I still blush to this day when I think of that...and it was over 25 years ago! LOL

Teachers embarrass themselves all the time. I can't remember the worst time, so instead I'll add my most embarrassing date to the mix. It's here:
http://presentsimple.blogspot.com/2005/02/mystery-briefcase.html

(It's too long for comments, and was written already so why repeat it?)

It was more embarrassing for him than for me, but that's not saying much. And I'd still like an explanation.

I think my most embarrassing moments come when my brain says one thing and my mouth says another. We were out to dinner at a small town eatery and passed an elderly man who had a beautiful pin in the center of his hat. It was obviously an award from a fishing tournament. I pointed it out to my dinnermates exhorting them to look at the pin, which was a depiction of a large mouth bass. But what came out of my mouth was 'large mouse bath.' The next day the artiste in the group drew me a picture to commemorate the occasion: http://konzadiary.diaryland.com/images/mousecol.gif

And yes, I've had many other embarrassing moments, but you'll have to stop by my blog and see if I ever get the balls to post them...

Is there some award if we have the stupidest one?

I used to jump horses. I had one that would drop a front leg and knock the bar off. So one show, I decided to jump a higher jump than he was used to so he would hit it and then pick his feet up. He hit it at his knees, flipped over, and catapulted me off--all in front of a riding instructor I wanted to impress. My hip didn't work right after that. The instructor asked me if I was all right. I said yes, and limped off to get my horse.

I was teaching summer shool in the hottest of summers in a school without air conditioning (Dark Ages). I ran to the bathroom between the first 2-hour class and the next one, racing back to class in 100 degree heat. Pretty soon, I heard twittering. "Stop that," I demanded. Finally, an hour into the class one kid in the back, a derelict who had flunked English during the regular school year, said, "Miss, I can't let you go on. You've tucked your dress into your underwear." Yep, big white surrender-the-country granny panties.

I was pretty embarassed a couple of years ago.. I went to see Slight of Mind (my cousin's husband's band)rehearse. I was sitting in front of the drums and my cousin was beside me. They were practicing and every time Dennis hit the bass drum, a puff of air escaped from it and blew my bangs. I was leaning talking to my cousin, but loud so she could hear me and they stopped playing at the exact moment I said "Dennises drums are giving me a" *stop music* "BLOW JOB"
The guys all wanted to know about that.

At a hockey game, I stood up to exclaim my disbelief in the ref, or a awesome check..or something like that. When I went to sit down, my seat had folded back up and I sat flat on my ass on the floor, in front of 6000 or so people.

Thanks so much for the great blog and especially for opening up comments! My most embarassing moment had to be my freshman year at college. I was riding my ten speed (HA) on campus when I saw the football team gathered for a meeting in a common area. I glanced their way...ok stared...and ran straight into a brick wall and fell off my bike. They all looked over and laughed. I tucked tail and walked the wrecked ten speed back to the dorm (dorm dooce dork...hmmm)... and again thanks for the best damn blog ever.

When I was fifteen, I was was doing an exhibition with the flag corps in front of the entire school. As a danced and tossed my way to the front of the auditorium, my flag caught the front of my shirt, and I raised my arms, thus revealing not only my nipples underneath my see-through bra, but also the duct tape I had used to secure the cleavage I so desperately wanted/needed. There was a gasp throughout the crowd, followed by stunned silence as I pulled my shirt down and continued with the program. Every single message in my yearbook is addressed to 'The Streak.'

Years later, during the two days I spent as a telemarketer, I rang the home of Mr. Simpson, only to reach his (very masculine sounding) baby-sitter. In a moment of sheer humiliation, I meant to ask, "Does he have a wife I can SPEAK with?" But what came out of my mouth was more like, "Does he have a wife I can sleep with?"

Needless to say, it's all gone downhill from there.

I love all the toddler stories - Heather - you have so many funny stories coming to you as soon as Leta starts talking...
My most embarassing moment was being 9 months pregnant and walking through the airport holding my friend's newborn baby. People were staring at me as if to say, "holy crap - lady, did you just have that baby because it looks like you still have two in there or something. Get your ass back to the hospital!" I couldn't give my friend back her baby fast enough!

This is the first time I posted here, hope you don't mind - but I looooove to hear embarrassing stories.

Here's mine:
When I was 19 and out partying with friends at a restaurant, I had consumed too much food and beer and began to feel queazy, so ran to find the bathroom. As I sprinted past diners my stomach convulsed, my mouth watered until I dashed into the bathroom, pushed open a stall door and threw up -

all over the beehive haired head of a woman sitting on a toilet with her underwear around her knees.

Pete, I think I just ruptured something. That has GOT to be one of the funniest things I have ever read!!

First my embarrassing story:

I was in a Catholic College Seminary. The school choir, of which I was a member, was touring in Europe for eleven days. Being not yet 21, of course we hit the bars. One night I leaned over to a soprano and said, in a loud voice, "Elaine, I will not make out with you!"

I have a couple of other people's embarrassing stories I'll post next.

Best story I've ever heard;

A priest I know had been a priest for, oh, maybe a year, and he was going to do a baptism. He was talking to the family while he was getting ready, and in the course of the conversation he found out that the new parents were first cousins. So he jokingly said, "I hope she doesn't have six fingers!"

Sure enough, she DID have six fingers on each hand. They were all quiet for a little bit. Finally the grandfather slapped the priest on the back and said, "Well, let's go baptize the little mutant!"

well I don't know if anyone will read this far down, but this is the first thing that came to my mind, though it's probably not THE most embarrassing moment of all time (but it makes a decent story):

In my 7th grade science class, the teacher asked us to pair off and come up with a lesson plan to teach some topic in biology to the rest of the class. I was already labeled an outcast, loser, whatever back then, and pairing off with the only other person in the class low enough on the social ladder didn't help. This also didn't help:

Part of the assignment was to come up with something entertaining/creative for the class to do. So we decided to make a seek and find (one of those puzzles with a grid of letters and you circle words in them.)

I made it up, and as I was creating it, my 7th grade mind thought it'd be really cute to put a little message in the letter grid, somewhere it'd be pretty visible. Just for kicks, ya know. How about, "HI THERE" So I put "HI THERE" right in the bottom center, thinking people would see it and be amused.

We made the photocopies and passed the sheets to everyone and went through the presentation as planned, but suddenly the entire class was giggling. I looked at someone's sheet, and what I had failed to realize was that I had accidentally put an "S" in front of my little message.

Thus, HI THERE became SHIT HERE.

As if my already negative popularity meter didn't need to drop a few more points. :P

My most embarassing moment:

My sister Valerie and I were spending the day on 'the strip' in Las Vegas. Our flight was at midnight, so we had a serious amount of time to kill. The good thing about Valerie and I is that we have shit-faced-drunk-level fun, without a drop of alcohol, which is a good thing, because we didn't have a drop of money, anyway.

So we're on 'the strip,' we're genuinely amused that the people feel the need to applaud the 'talented mechanical fountains' at The Bellagio. We're also amused by the Bobby Darin and Frank Sinatra soundtrack. So we cross the street to The Paris and the fountains start up again. I decide that this would be a FABULOUS moment to exercize my dance muscle.

So I danced. And danced and danced and danced. The cars passed and I boogied down, amused with all the attention, but glad that the cars were passing. I danced through the entire song, feeling dorky, but having a blast.

When the song ended I turned around and saw that there was a restaurant patio, PACKED with diners, all watching my dance performance, less than THREE FEET from my rather sizeable behind.

I laughed so hard I peed. And I nearly died of embarassment.

Ah jeez. I am totally going to have to read all of these comments. Maybe they will make me feel better about the story I am about to tell.

I majored in fashion design. At the end of the year there is a fashion show at the local mall and the seniors present their collections. We watch most of the show from the audience but towards the end we go backstage so we can walk out on stage with our models. While we are preparing to present our collections they announce the winner of Designer of the Year. Well, its me and everyone backstage is trying to get me to go out onstage to accept the award. Well, I know that its dark out there and I am pretty sure I wont be able to see very well to walk over to the emcee, but everyone keeps pressuring me, so I walk out there onto the runway in front of about 600 people, and lo and behold, its dark and I cant see the way to the podium. But what to do? Stand there like a fool and wave like Miss America? No, I walk over to the podium and I cant see the chasm between the runway and the podium and I BIT IT. Flat on my face in front of 600 people while attempting to accept the biggest and most important award ever presented to me. Nice work.

My proudest accomplishment is marred by the fact that I am a giant klutz. The only nice thing is the video that the school made and sold of the event has the part of me falling edited out.

Oh the shame.

Ok. In my early morning 6th grade English class, I un expectedly vomited in my mouth but instead of excusing myself (I really couldn't with a mouth full of vomit), I decided to swallow it to avoid an embarrassing moment. Thinking that I had gotten away with it, I relaxed a bit. But another rush of acrid burning fluid quickly came rising out of me. This time however, it was too much to hold thus spurting onto the desk in front of me. All eyes were on me, due to some pathetic sound I had made. At this point, I was absolutely mortified. At that time in my life, drawing any undue attention to myself was the last thing I wanted to do. I ran out of the room, not able to handle the situation but also to find a place to expell my stomach contents. Umm didn't ..just kinda dropped it somewhere. One of the students from my class came after me, who was mildly amused and disgusted but pretented to be helpful.

Not sure why but I went back into class. I tried to pretend nothing that unusual happened. I even sat back down at my puke sprayed desk. My teacher was like "Perhaps you should sit over here..." Class went on as usual but I was never the same.

Sorry about the repeat post.. I am so embarrassed!

Once in third grade my teacher (who happened to be very mean) was assigning math problems to random students, who had to do them then present them on the board. Unfortunately at the time, I had to pee very, very badly, and sat there hoping with all my might that she wouldn't call on me. She did, of course. I just prayed and prayed that I could handle it. I made it through writing the problem, reaching down every few seconds to hold myself in desperation, just hoping no one would notice. To add to my misfortunes, though, several other students were at the board and I was the last in the line to present. I raised my hand and began begging, "Mrs. N! Mrs. N!!" She acknowledged me but wouldn't let me speak, thinking I wanted to present my math problem then instead of waiting. "No, Mrs. N, please." She wouldn't listen. So, getting the most horrific feeling of failure, I realized I wouldn't make it and peed all over myself. I just said, "Mrs. N, I had an accident." Only then did she realize what the problem was. She sent me to the bathroom (a little late), and I heard various, oh my god's and eww's from the other kids as I sulked out the door. I think my parents had to bring me extra clothes, and once I made it back to class I kept my head down. By then a janitor had been called to the room, and was working on mopping up the yellow puddle by the chalk board.
The moment has stuck with me for quite awhile.

I don't quite have any embarrassing things that I can really remember. Though, I do have a story about my sister.

This will be a story I will be telling every boy my sister invites over, hopefully she'll really hate me then.

My parents hosted a birthday party for my sister's 4th birthday, and the entire class came over to snack on chocolate cake and pop. My sister got some cake on her shirt so my mom told her to go upstairs to change into a new shirt.

Well, 10 minutes later, we started to wonder what was taking her so long. She came back down, still with the same chocolate smeared shirt, although she smelled somewhat odd. My mom asked her, "Honey, you smeared chocolate on your shirt, so now you have to go get a new shirt. What have you been doing all this time?"

"Not chocolate anymore, come see my room!"

She had smeared her own poop all over the walls, huge clumps of it sticking to the walls. There were little toys and even a comb sticking out of the clumps. Before my mom could stop her, she invited everyone, their parents included, to see her art work. I can't imagine how embarrassed my mom must have been.

um, well, it's a little x-rated but here goes: you know that SNL skit with christopher walken as Colonel Angus?

my boyfriend and i were 'spending time with Colonel Angus' and as many women know, Colonel Angus sometimes takes a long time to get to the point. i'm generally a very gassy person (love the fart stories dooce!) and there was this one instance where i was so happy to see Colonel Angus that i let a big fart right out in his face.

he's a good guest, though, that Colonel Angus, and didn't take it too personally so we still have visits from him now and again. and something to laugh/go bright red about =)

My friend Christine had frocked up for the Melbourne Cup (Australia's biggest horse race) and gone along with her sisters. After many champagnes, she, and a guy she had hooked up with, went into the city to continue their fun. Walking down one of the main streets of Melbourne, Christine felt something falling down her legs. She did a little wiggle, but nothing too violent, because she didn't want the guy she was with to notice. It didn't help. She realised that the underpants that she had put on OVER her tights (to keep them up) were totally out of elastic, and they were sliding further and further down and were about to emerge below the hem of her dress. Christine was now moving like one of those people in the 'walking' event at the Olympics, but there was nothing that could help her. Her companion, oblivious, kept chatting...and Christine realised that all hope had to be abandoned. Her underpants careered down past her knees, hit her ankles, and kept going. Thanks to luck, and some snappy footwork, she never even stumbled; she just stepped neatly out of them without breaking stride, and left them on the footpath (sidewalk). She thought she had been subtle, but her new friend was crying laughing...
That is my favourite embarrassment story.

It was the first month of fourth grade at my very small Catholic grammar school and we has a teacher who was brand new to the school that year.

For some reason, since I was usually a good kid back then, I decided that I didn't like the way that this teacher wore her hair in the same style every day. I also decided to write it in a note to my friend sitting behind me. Of course , she got the note taken away and as the teacher read it I just remember wanting to crawl into my desk and die.

To make matters worse, my mother (whom I never told the story to) decided to make friends with this teacher. So not only did I have to live with the humiliation for the rest of that school year, but every time that I ever saw her afterwards the first thing that crossed my mind was "She probably hates me because of that note".

It definitely taught me to not pass notes in class!

after studying for a couple of months in germany during high school, i returned home to my friends and boyfriend and we all slept over together. my room connected to the bathroom, and i went in to brush my teeth and the boyfriend followed me in to finish our conversation. through the door, all my friends heard a cry and then "OUCH! it's ROCK HARD!" nobody believed that i was referring to the toothbrush that had gone unused for months.

my embarassing moments are soooo bad, I have blocked them all out...so, I'll have to tell you one of my 16 year old sister's embarassing tales...(this is for all you cool teen readers out there...man, I sound old...)

My sister was in math class working with her " work group" when the instructor announced that they would have to complete a group of exercises. My sister was saying that she could do them all really fast, just joking around, and her friends started to joke that she was dumb and couldn't. Well, my sister got to work, and complete all of them on her on...and she was so excited when she finished that she yelled out loud: "I SMART." HA! When she got to this part of the story she started laughing hysterically...I am so happy that she can laugh at herself...good for you my little pookanoo!

In the summer between fourth and fifth grade, I was invited over to a good friend's house for a sleepover, along with another girl I had been friends with for a year or two, and a girl I didn't know all that well but went to our school.

When I fell asleep, they decided it would be funny to remove my underwear and use halloween makeup to draw/write all over my ass and thighs.

I woke up later on, when they were still awake, and was not only embarassed, but mad, crying and screaming. The good friend begged me not to tell her mom, but my screaming did that for me. I took a shower and scrubbed furiously at all the paint (which is really hard to get off one's white ass, especially the red colors).

Good friend's mom, of course, made her apologize to me, which she did in the expected forced manner. I'm pretty sure this was the defining moment for the rest of my elementary school career.

All my former friends got into the "cool kid" clique, and I was left behind (the girl I didn't know very well was, alas, one of the central links in that cool clique).

Although a close second would be that since my mom stayed good friends with the friend's mom throughout those years, she would call her to tell her how horribly upset I was about school all the time. Of course, former-goodfriend's mom told her to be nice to me, and of course, they promptly made fun of me at school for being a crybaby. Good times.

OH MY GOD i must have banned that incident from my memory because i had totally forgotten about it until YOU BROUGHT IT UP -- it was horrible. it must have been like in 9th or 10th grade or so. we were on our lunch-break and i was drinking from a juice box standing there with a couple of friends INCLUDING the boy i had a HUGE CRUSH ON at the time. so we were chatting, i was drinking my juice and one of the guys said something funny that made me laugh out loud since girls that age practically laugh at anything guys say whether it'd really be funny or not.. but laughing right then was not good because i had juice in my mouth, now coming OUT MY NOSE. JUICE COMING OUT OF MY NOSE AND MOUTH IN FRONT OF MY CRUSH. i'm pretty sure i just wanted to die right there and then. but somehow i survived, made it though puberty without serious damage and we're still friends..

One of my most embarrasing moments...
When I was sophomore in college we had a very young female teacher visiting from Spain. I didn't much go to her classes (e. i. I attended only twice or three times in the first semester) but my collegues said that she was really cool and stuff. Once i went to this party and I was browsing the room, checking out the people and then I saw this really familiar girl and she was sort of watching me. So I figured I must know her from somewhere. So I went there and said something like "Cool party!" and then something like "Excuse me, do I know you from somewhere?". And the girl looked at me with a "duh" expression on her face and said "Yeah, I'm your teacher." I just felt the ground opening beneath my feet. Naturally, I dropped out of her class the next semester.

First time poster long time reader.. Hi!

1. I was having a day where I was stumbling over my words, just tired, not thinking before I was speaking.

One of the doctors, George, who I get along with famously, was at the computer, and I was peeking over his shoulder to check something about one of my patients, and he said to me,

What can I do for you Keryn?
To which I replied
You can do me for nothing.
( I was trying to say you can do nothing for me)

Oh the shame

Over a lovely vacation weekend in NYC my husband and I decided to check into a hotel with a rep for being sumptuous. It was, but it was also like one of those miniature doll houses, you know the ones? And it was jammed right up against an apartment building. I didn't realize the blinds were still up about two inches the second morning; I was seriously inflagrante delicto and sitting up when I noticed a women at her kitchen table with a coffee, watching me like she was watching television. Pretty much killed the mood after that...

Happy Blog Birthday!
(I stuck this story in the wrong place the first time)

So, I’m not sure if this is my most embarrassing story. But because of my tender young age, I was more embarrassed than I would have been later perhaps…ok, maybe not.

When I was __teen, I was on a camping trip with my mom and her boyfriend and his two kids. My mom invited my boyfriend along because I wasn’t excited about going and my boyfriend was about to move away. It was my mom’s boyfriend’s birthday weekend.

In the RV, there was a cake my mom had made for her boyfriend’s birthday.

Everyone decided to go on a hike for a couple of hours, except my boyfriend and I stayed behind. We ended up bumping uglies in the RV. My boyfriend was working up to his big finish when he yelled “SCREAM! SCREAM NOW!” So, I screamed. Really fucking loud. Why not, we were in the wilderness, no campsites near ours.

I had never seen any porn movies, so I screamed like a chick would in a B-Horror flick. (blink. what?)

Well, at that moment, the hikers had returned to camp. They heard me screaming. My mom’s boyfriend busted into the RV, just at the culmination of my scream, startling my boyfriend mid-wad-blowing, which prompted him to lose control of his weiner and accidentally squirt both the birthday cake and my mother’s boyfriend. Right square in the “I’m a #1 Dad” t-shirt.

Happy Blog Day!

Where to begin? There's so many to choose from.

I am not embarrassable due to the vast amount of idiotic things I do, but if I were, it would be the time I spilled an entire beer in the crotch of my panites at a wedding reception. I had recently started dating a super cute guy and it was his best friends wedding. The reception was on a river boat. I took my full cup of beer into the bathroom and set it ontop of the toilet paper holder while I used the facility. The girl in the stall let the door slam as she exited, causing the entire beer to topple into the crotch of my panites. I stared in horror at the pool of ale cupped in my underware.

RegularDoocer: your camping/cake/weiner story, you DEFINITELY WIN.

Reading that and having a laughing fit, I have just spurted my drink all over my computer keyboard. I'm at work. :-)

I was doing summer stock in Nebraska when I was 20 and playing a hunched over 100 yr old with no shoes on in a silly melodrama. I had no professionalism whatsoever and neither did the rest of the cast so we did everything possible to make each other crack on stage. I was also into drinking about 35 glasses of water a day. One night, someone made me laugh so hard that I started peeing right there on stage and I couldn't stop it. What's more, the stage was raked (slanted) so I watched in horror as the pee started rolling down towards the audience. The only thing I could do was wipe up as much of it as possible with my own dress by stepping on it with my bare feet. Horrifying. Even worse, in this 2-bit theater, the costume people only washed the costumes once a week. I had to wear that pee soaked dress 5 more times before it was washed.

I think Regular Doocer wins. Jizz on the cake and/or mom's boyfriend trumps just about everything else.

Me: 8th grade. Drama class. Tan pants. Sudden, epic menstruation. On stage.

Also: When I was in early grade school, my mom bought this pink tape that was made to train one's hair into a certain position. Yeah, I thought that sounded pretty fucking stupid, too. She was trying to train my bangs to stay back (again, what the fuck?).
Only, instead of having me wear it at night, like I think it was intended, she made me wear it *during the day* when I went to school and such. And, being the little dork I was, I didn't have the gall to rip it out the second I was out of her sight. It was a lingering embarassment, culminating in the day at Sunday school that a little boy stage-whispered to his brother "That girl gots pink tape in her hair!"

Love ya, Mom. But you're not touchin' my hair again!

Um, last Thursday I walked out of a room we had a meeting in that for some reason had a very large pane of glass as part of the wall. Big and wide, floor to ceiling. On my way back I hadn't realized they'd shut the door while I was gone and I walked right into the window. To top it off I stood there for a little bit with this dumb puzzled look on my face like, Why is this glass here? What happened to the door!? I got heckled once I got in there after finding the door. Utter Humiliation. They said I was like a bird flying into glass. Ugh.

This happened a week ago today so it is still very fresh in my memory..
Coming back from a weekend in the Dominican Republic and after long flights and intense layover in Miami, my stomach started feeling very queasy... thinking I was the master of my own body I decided to wait for my standard 3 cramp set rule, after the third set of cramps I must find a washroom and fast!
So this time my whole system goes out the window and in the car, at one in the morning, tired and hungover my body decides to let go. I am with my best girlfriend who is encouraging me to HOLD IT IN, you can do it, hold!
Alas, I pull over and squat in a snowbank to release the furry. Head down as cars drive by, full headlights on me, nowhere to go, furry going strong, my head down, humbled. I remember seeing my friends face peeking from the side windows of the car, the drive home in complete silence, windows open in cold Montreal, Canada, February night.

This is a constipated ski trip story.

I was able to pass the boulder that had accumulated in my colon on the first day of the trip. Problem was the toilet could not. And it was one of those jet force toilets that should be able to suck anything down. The toilet did not back up but the boulder kept peeking back out into the bowl. I went out and whispered the embarrassing story to my boyfriend and he announced it to the couple sharing our suite. They made me call maintance and made me answer the door to find a giant american indian looking man with a toilet snake. When he realized the problem was not stuck in the pipes he called the maid who promptly came in pulling on armpit long rubber gloves to remove the boulder. I was mortified and everyone else was hysterical. When we returned from skiing that night there was a message on the room voice mail for me from the giant indian barely containing his laughter and saying "muy grande!". That became my nickname for the rest of the trip.

Years ago, I was stopped at a stoplight. I had a stuffy nose and no kleenex, so I did the ol' wipe-the-nose-with-a-big-push-of-the-index-finger. I looked over at the car next to me. The lady smiles at me. I think it's a "Good morning" smile and smile back. Nope, I had pushed a huge booger onto the end of my nose. I think that's what was making her smile.

My most embarrasing moment happened at a JC Pennys department store when I was 9 or 10. I was school shopping with my mom. I have always been what the clothing industry refers to as "Husky". Which basically means I can never find clothes that fit. So there we are, after hours of shopping for clothes, looking for a pair of new dress pants. Nothing fits. When the waste fits the legs are to long. When the inseam is right I couldn't even pull the damn pants up. I asked my mom, why don't they make clothes that will fit me. Out of frustration she yells, "Because you ASS IS JUST SO DAMN BIG!" Then I turn red and look around and the whole store stopped to look at the kid with the huge ass.

When I was in high school we were on a class trip, and my mother was a chaparone (mistake #1). At one point the bus had engine trouble, so we had all been sitting on the bus, waiting to get going again, when my mother got the BRILLIANT idea to stand up in front of ALL MY PEERS and belt (a la Ethel Merman) "Let Me Entertain You."

When I was 8 or 9 I joined a pretty hoity-toity gymnastics place (I don't know what the hell they call those). I wasn't as good as the other people there, since I'd only been taken gymnastics for a few weeks every summer, so I decided to get a bunch of new, cool looking leotards and really work at becoming a good gymnast. I bought this really pretty white leotard with one of those snap button crotch things which I wore to my next lesson.

I had to work on the uneven bars that day, which was what I was worst at. However, with my newfound devotion to gymnastics I was ready for anything. Now, I should probably mention that my instructor was a real bitch and would do anything to make people feel like crap (she was fired from Disneyland [where she played Goofy] for harrassing kids, true story). That information will help you understand her actions.

Anyway, I was flipping around on the uneven bars, really working my (at the time) skinny little ass off, when I noticed the twenty or so girls at the base of the uneven bars had lifted the protective mat up, sort of sheilding themselves from me. I dismounted and sort of stared at them. All of a sudden my instructor yelled (in front of about 75 people in the place) "the button on your crotch came undone and we can see everything, girl". Now, think about what someone on uneven bars does. It's not a bunch of delicate ladylike stuff, it's splits, flips, and stuff like that. You have your legs open wider than a five cent whore in Vegas.

I quit gymnastics and moved a few years later.

Ok, I wasn't gonna post, because seriously nothing beats Pete (#208) but anyway, here goes.

I was 13 or so. My hormones were out of control. I had been getting into my Dads Hustler magazines, reading every story, every article and carefully looking at all the pictures.

I then wrote a long, detailed story about me and some guy. A fantasy of course. Let me just say that it was detailed in such a way that it would have made the writers at Hustler VERY proud.

I tucked it away somewhere, and then went and spent the summer with my Grandparents. When I got home, my Mom told me that she had cleaned my room. For a split second I thought "Great! At least I won't have to do it!"

Then I remembered my mini novel. Holy.Shit. I went to my room, trying to be all casual, slammed the door and when I went to where it had been, it was gone.

I wanted to die.

My Mom AND my Dad came into my room at that point, and my Mom had it in her hands.I will never forget the look on her face.

She wanted to know where I had learned how to write like that. She wanted to know where I had learned those words. She wanted to know how I knew what some of that stuff was. She said there were words and descriptions in there that no 13 year old should know...

What could I say?? They had caught me snooping around the Hustler pile on more than once occasion...So I just replied "Hustler".

I really do not think I have ever been so embarrassed in all my life. I wanted to melt into my bedroom floor. They left my room, WITH the notebook, and it was not ever mentioned ever again.

Now as an adult, I cannot help but wonder...WHAT DID THEY DO WITH IT??? LOL

Did they keep it?

*cringe*

Let me first just say that anything involving diarrhea is the most embarrassing winners. Farts you can laugh off, but diarrhea is a whole other level.

Most embarrassing: 8th grade, track team. I'm doing a 200x relay, me being the starter. The gun goes off, I run my ASS off, hearing them cheering, and realizing NO ONE is even close to me! I am kicking ASS!!!

Nobody told me 3 shots meant false start. Nobody.

I ran the whole F***ing lap on a false start. They weren't cheering for me, they were yelling at me to come back!!!

MORTIFIED, I still had to run the race but they let me be the last leg instead.

And we still came in 3rd. Yikes.

Yeah, I am with Heidi. A big THANKS to Heather for opening the comments on this one. You all have just about KILLED me...heh.

I was at the movies with my sister and left to go to the bathroom. When I came back and sat down in my seat, I leaned my head over onto my sisters shoulder and whispered, "What did I miss?" A strange voice answered me, "I think your friend is back there." I turned and found that I was cuddling with a woman I had never met before. I turned around and saw my sister a few rows back looking at me as if to say, "What the hell are you doing???" I apologized and moved back to my original seat.

I recently posted this under comments on another blog...but it works here too so I'll recycle.

When I was a student nurse I had a male patient convince me he could not hold his own penis to use the urine jug. Silly me was like “OK” and I held it into the urinal trying to be respectful and professional. Well, this being the first time I had ever “held” a penis while someone had to pee I did not realize the amount of force that can go through that thing and it broke free from my very gentle grasp and sprayed urine on the wall, ceiling, and all over his bed. Somehow I managed to escape being sprayed. While cleaning him and his bed up a friend of his entered the room and my sweet helpless male patient laughed and said “got another one!”

My most embarassing moment -

Deconstructing Soft Core Porn in my 8th grade English Class

Picture it - Jr. High, 8th grade, 1988. The pinnocle of my awkward, shy, insecure stage. In an effort to further traumatize children during this time in their development, teachers in suburban Boston (and most likely the rest of the country), were quite fond of "oral reports" and presentations. A nightmare for any kid, more so for ones with a ssslight ssspeach empediment.

Anyway, the report: Deconstuct an advertisement from any form of media. I decide my medium would be television. Since I was pretty good in school and had a good grasp of the subject, I of course waited until the last minute to do my work. All I needed to do really was to record a commercial and give some b.s. spiel about it - easy enough.. So, I get up at 530am, go to my parents room, pop a tape in the vcr, record the first commercial that comes on (Ivory soap, great, easy).. rewind a bit so Im at the right spot when I play it in school. Feed the teacher and class a line of crap about it.

I get to school, do my little write up in homeroom, and head to first period, where I would be giving my little speech.

Get to class, and am relieved it's finally my turn. Holding the tape in my hands with sweaty palms, I give an introduction to my piece. Tape goes in and I hit play.

While I remembered that there was a shower in the commercial, it was quite different from the one that appeared on the screen, which was that of the girls locker-room showers in Porky's. And to top it off it's at the part where the guy has his schlong poking through the wall and Ms. Ballbrecher starts yanking on it.

I learned a lot that day, and I think the rest of the class too.

It was winter, and I was riding the school bus in the morning. I began to smell something horrible, and yet familiar. The under-the-seat heater was blowing on my legs and as I sniffed around, I found that one of my socks was yellow.

My dog had peed on a stack of clean clothes in my room and I had inadvertantly put on the dry, but peed-on sock in the dark. By the time we arrived at school, the bus smelled like my dog's pee and I was doing my best to not draw attention to it. Luckily, it was the 80s so I went sockless the rest of the day and no one thought it was unusual.

I try to live my life without regrets, so I think that ties in with the fact that I let very few things embarass me. In fact when asked, there's only one time that I can ever remember.

I was working retail (gag) and I was helping my preggers boss stock a shelf of candles, in glass jars. However this wasn't any shelf, it was a shelf high enough off the ground that I had to be on a 6-foot ladder to stock it. There were also a lot of candles. Lots and lots. So many that we decided to double stack them. Suddenly 2 of the 4 tiny plastic pegs that were holding the shelf gave way and all the candles (double stacked in glass jars mind you!) go sliding off the 6 foot high shelf smashing into olblivion on the floor below me. The sound was loud enough that the entire store turns around to look at me, standing there on my ladder.

When I was a senior in high school, I was still pretty much a loser with only a few friends. I was ok with that. Three girlfriends and I were hanging out one evening, bored. A bet was made, lord knows for what, and me and my one friend lost. The punishment?
We were to "flash" a restaurant in our suburban shopping area that had glass from ceiling to floor all around it. I was given a poncho, my friend a raincoat, and clothes were removed completely from underneath. We stole a couple beers from a parent's fridge, and I drove us to the parking lot near the restaurant.
We each drank a beer and tried to psych ourselves up. Then the cop came. He came and asked us why we were just sitting there and we were all giggling like...well, like school girls...and I just told him the truth. I was never a good liar anwyay.
He was dumbfounded. He laughed (how could he help it?) and said they had been having some vandalism back there so that was why he was checking in on us. Then he and his partner got back in their car and pulled near the restaurant. And WAITED. They were going to watch!
Of course my two other friends were not going to let us squealch on the bet, so we did it. There were only two tables of people in the restaurant, and it seemed that only one guy saw. Oh yeah, and the cops.

I am sure somewhere people still talk about my most embarassing moment. As in remember when we saw that girl....

Newark airport one Saturday morning about 10 years ago. I was waiting online inside at the ticket counter to check in with my bags. My friend came inside and told me that the bag checkers at the curb could do it just as easy and there was no line. So I decide to jump out of line and go there. The line was pretty long and I was in the middle, so rather than try to walk back out of the roped area and make people move out the way for my luggage, I decide it would be a good idea to go over the rope.

Bad idea.

I made it over with the first leg but as I was bringing my other leg over, my foot caught the rope. I fell down right onto both knees (rather spectacularly I might add), and my carry-on bag flew out off my shoulder and across the waiting area, while my rolling luggage slid to the ground. To make matters worse, when I tripped over the rope I succeeded in pulling the whole lane section down, so each metal post the rope was attached to landed onto the tile floor with a resounding clang.

I have never heard dead silence in an airport before (you really could have heard a pin drop) and it was absolutely mortifying as everyone was staring at me with shock and I suspect amusement.

So yeah, um, that kind of sucked.

This happened not so long ago..

Two of my friends had started dating, and I was really happy for them. Lovely people, great couple, so I decided to make them a CD with mushy love songs on it. Minnie Ripperton, The Turtles, that kind of thing. I decorated the CD with little red hearts - it would've made Cupid puke.

Anyway, I gave it to the guy one Saturday night in a crowded bar whilst we were out with friends. After he'd quit hyperventilating from laughter, he told me the awful truth.

They'd split up the week before...

I have had so many embarassing moments, I have to mention one more. This one happened while I was taking the SAT. This was in the early 1980's, when SAT prep for me meant makeup and hot rollers.

About a half hour into the test, I took off my scarf. I heard something drop onto the floor and roll across the room. Turns out it was a forgotten hot roller, hidden in the back of my hair.

This was especially uncomfortable because not only did someone pick it up and pass it back to me, but I was in the middle of a timed test, so I had to recover fairly quickly.