How marvellous that people like Catherine share their sunny dispositions and opinions so wholeheartedly. Aren't we all just eaten away with envy and wishing our lives were as happy and full as hers? Oh to feel so filled with christian joy and charity that you take the time to write emails like that. Does she have a blog that we can read and gain some more of her wisdom and love?

I, like Leta, had bladder infections as a child and would not use the "big girl potty." My mother, hounded by all of her friends whose children were potty-trained, finally broke down one day. I don't remember it, but according to her, she just sat down in the hall and cried. She says she finally looked up through tear-filled eyes when she felt my little hands patting the top of her head.

"Maamaa," I said. "I need go potty."

Don't worry about Leta one bit. She'll learn when she's ready.

Catherine doesn't get it. I do. The pictures of Leta's room and everything else are from when you just cleaned and wanted to preserve the moment. I know the feeling - "Behold! Stasis!" I'm sure Leta does a fair amount of haphazard home-decorating, and I'm sure it's a relief to get all that stuff into bins.

I can only imagine what a horror it must be to have a UTI as a child. I've had two, and my last one got me on the phone crying to my mother at 2am. I think you're right - the best way to maneuver this is gentleness and time.

(Crackpot theory, though: is it a question of distracting her into peeing? What if you got her to drink a ton of liquids while watching her favorite movie something equally relaxing and distracting? Maybe if she could feel herself pee during the day, it might help her adjust? Like I said, it's a totally crackpotted theory - I've never raised kids, and you're my hero for being so public about your experience.)

None of us are really god’s gift to the parenting world. I know some of us may think that - but we would be wrong. All of the other mothers out there who tell you that what you are doing is wrong because that isn't what they've done with their children should go piss up a tree. Leta is your daughter. You know her better than anyone else it this whole world. Do what you feel is right and follow the guidance of your doctor. The rest will all work out.

I have two children, 9 and 7. 9 was the easiest baby. Easiest to potty train, never messed, easiest everything. 7 has been demon spawn since she came out. Nothing has been the same. They are two entirely different people. I've had to change everything and learn anew with 7. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And I would like to stuff a big shitty diaper down the throats of all the mothers I’ve met in my life who have tried to tell me I was doing it wrong because they did it differently with their children. Bah!

Don't most people clean up before taking photos of their home and posting them on their websites for the whole world to see? Who doesn't like a clean house?

For what its worth, I love Leta's room. I would move in myself. I'm trying to decorate my soon-to-be nursery right now and your post gave me a lot of great ideas.

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I must quote Moxie: "You are the best mother for your baby." Catherine can stick it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and also sorry that I am taking up comment space because I don't have any helpful advice for you. That woman was really an asshat. Obviously, only you know what's best for your child.

Wow, just in case anyone thought Dooce's popularity was slipping: 500+ comments! Suck it, Catherine! Seriously, what a bitch.

At this point you don't need me to reiterate this, but I will:

1. Your house is beautiful and I love your organized, elegeant, streamlined style.
2. Leta's room is awesome, thank GOD not everyone buys into the whole Babies-R-Us bullshit belief that a little girl's room has to look like My Little Pony and the Staypuft Marshmallow Man had sex in it or something.
3. You're doing exactly the right thing for Leta, she will toilet train when she is ready, and I'm sure your pediatrician will continue to help you through these issues.

And Catherine, you may have a big, steaming cup of STFU.

doesn't catherine have anything better to do than JUDGE you?

children are ready for potty training when THEY are READY. you can't force them. that's called PARENT potty training.

our 3 yo daughter has been having frequent uti's and has been scheduled for a vcug [catheter induced test - ugh!] so i feel your pain [and leta's too].

We are having more of the opposite problems here at the moment - but thought you could use a little chuckle. M turned 2 a couple months ago and is interested in the potty, and loves wearing her Dora panties (over her diaper at this point), she points to the potty and says poop, she says potty when she poops sometimes (in diaper),so I am thinking she is ready to train, but I still hesitate because I don't want to rush her (and was hoping to wait for summer shorts weather - because I don't know how she is going to manage to undo her jeans) - crazy on the other side of the spectrum.

Her favourite thing, and her one year old sister's) is to come in when I am on the can, and she literally lifts the back end of my bum to see if I have pooped, or just peed - If I have pooped, she runs through the house to her daddy (and whoever happens to be over) announcing "mommy poop... mommy poop" while her sister stays in the bathroom and claps. Yep - definitely think she may be ready, but when we let her sit on the potty a bit earlier, she would just sit and then say "all done" so we never pushed the issue. But she is in daycare now, and all the kids are doing it, so I am sure we are mere moments away - once she gets over her ear infection and pink eye!

And I must say - I also go one decluttering rampages every once and awhile, and the pix of your house inspired one - had a car full for goodwill - love that feeling.

You have a great family, lovely home, and are a great mom.

Take care.

Don't worry Heather, these issues are completely individual to every child and there is no hard line about toilet training. Well, at least in sensible homes, there isn't. Leta will use the toilet when Leta wants and/or sees a needs to, not in response to either the demands or needs of others. In any event, the likelihood that she'll zip off to her first prom in pullups is pretty slim. I wish the prognosis for Ms. Catherine's emotional constipation and inappropriate verbal soiling was as good but, frankly, I don't hold the same confidence for her progress that I do for Leta.

Ah, the beauty of the internet, where we can all be as awful or as graceful as we moved to be. What do you suppose it is in a person that makes them want to spew venom at others? I'm not sure exactly what Catherine's problem is, but when I read a letter like that, what I feel is pity and revulsion.

Speaking of revulsion: I went to get a couple of colonics after having such bad constipation that my transverse colon started to press up on my diaphram so that I was having trouble breathing. My naturopath gave me shit for killing off all the friendly fauna in my intestines.

He prescribed a program where I cut out mangoes (damn!), eggs, citrus, red meat, cheese, ice cream, dried beans, nuts and seeds, raw cruciferous vegetables, whole corn products and dried fruit. He had me take magnesium citrate, one or to caps a day. The problem cleared right up.

I recall him telling me that conventional medicine can't diagnose anything related to the digestive tract until there are serious disease conditions. It can pick up polyps, ulcers, tumours, inflammation, bleeding, but little else. Not that Leta has a serious disease condition, of course, but there may be some food sensetivities giving her trouble. Funny, too, for me - the use of fibre (bran, psyllium seed, flax, etc) makes the problem worse. It just packs my sluggish colon more full of stuff that won't move.

Taking those foods out of my diet (something he probably tells everyone) and the maganesium works like a charm.

Sigh. When will people learn that parenting isn't a competitive sport? And what the F was the crack about being able to train her kids even though she works outside the home? Does she want a pat on the back for that? I have no end of respect for Stay at home parents, and a bit of envy now and again, but I know that it's best for *me and my kid* that I get to go out every day and spend time with grownups, exercising my mind and justifying the large student loan payment I make every month that helped pay for Law School. I'd go mad if I was at home with my kid all day, every day. And a mental mommy is not what I think is best for *my kid*.

Leta will eventually be trained, relax and don't stress. You know your kid best. Does Jon support you? Then leave it at that.

My 2 year old boy is totally not interested in the potty. He'll only sit on it if we gently scratch his back (used to put him to sleep since he was an infant. Works on my hubby too!) and last week as I was trying to get him to sit on the pot after a nap, he cried as if I was tourturing him. I suddenly stopped, realized what I was doing and scooped him up and put a fresh diaper on him. We'll try again in a few more months, and see what he thinks about it then.

As for you home being "sterile"... you have a three year old, a dog and a husband. Sterile is impossible. But it is neat and clean, at least it was when the photos were taken, which is an acomplishment, in my opinion.

It seems like Catherine the Great failed to read your posts that accompanied your photos of your home, which explained that these were photos taken after a huge clean up effort. Don't bother yourself with someone who can't be bothered to read the actual posts and just looks at the pictures. And as for sterile - is she complaining because Leta's bedroom walls are painted white? What's wrong with white?

I'm willing to bet that she has her kids bedrooms decorated with one of those stick'um kits from Walmart. Blue walls for her boys too, I bet.

Yup, she's probably a fountain of creative ideas...

Owen's Mom

(You do realize that I'm going to have to go and do a post on my own blog now about the whole potty training/one upmommyship thing too... )

Dearest Mrs. Armstrong,

I believe that Catherine is drunk.She stated she goes to work everyday. I can therefore only conclude that in order to potty train a 2 year old she must have a nanny. Have faith as all parents know, there is plenty of time for this 2 year old to backslide. Also an additional child is typically quite the opposite of your first. Thus you may dream of that child smearing feces on an immaculate, yet not boring, white cloth couch. Ahhh sterility...maybe she should look into it? Let Leta be. Save your energy for the teenage years!

One more thing, on the potty training issue, you can read all of the books that you want and take in all of the advice that you can retain. The truth is that there is no deadline age as to when a child should be potty trained. Nature will take it's course. One day, she will just decide that she wants to go. This will be another amazement that you will knock your socks off. Trust me, don't push her, she will let you know when she's ready.

As to the lady with the amazing 2 year old - good for you!! You are lucky. I have 3 children, my first was potty trained when she was 2, my second was she was 3 and my third (developmentally challenged) was 5. My third child fought me every step of the way. During our vacation at the beach last year, SHE decided that she was not wearing a diaper anymore and has been going on the potty ever since. She amazes me!! Does this make me a bad parent? no.

The outpouring of e-mails confirms that we all hate Catherine and just love you, Leta, and Jon. My co-worker's 4-year-old went through the same thing. It seems to come and go (no pun intended)-- and she's tried everything too. Her lovely little one is one smart cookie, just like Leta, and she'll (Leta) will go when she's gotten over her trauma.
PS: You just make my day. My work day is saved by a new Dooce blog post.

We have a three year old son, Jonathan. Although he pees without a care in the world, he doesn't poop like a normal child. It breaks my heart to see his distended belly poking out of his shirt. He poops just enough to release the pressure of his stomach, which is just usually a quarter sized poop, that smells like it was created in the pits of hell. The lengths he will go to to keep himself from pooping is awe inducing. He will cross his legs so hard, face contorted in agony, beads of sweat popping out of his forehead, and visibly shaking, forcing the urge to just go away already, leave him be.

It all started with constipation, where he had a poop that was large and hurt when he passed it, then to ensure he was getting enough fiber, we gave him something that caused the runs, with a lot of acid, that caused diaper rash. That was a year ago. A YEAR ago. He just won't poop.

I feel your pain, and I hope that Leta gets over this soon. Its hard watching your child fight something so natural, and know there isn't really anything you can do about. Good luck to you and to Jon, and esepcially to little Leta.

Sandi

Oh yes, I also tell people who give me the bidness about the pull ups at age 4 1/2 that as far as I know, there aren't too many 20 year olds wearing diapers and that they'll eventually grow out of it.
As for those people who insist on "training" their kids to be potty trained, they probably "forget" to mention that there is also a regression at the first sign of stress or disruption in the child's life. It's like gambling, they'll tell you about the wins, but never the losses.
Later,
greenie

I've been a lurker for almost a year now but have never commented. But I really wanted to send you some encouragement. I know you've gotten tons of comments already, but this woman really is a cold-hearted, horrible, self-righteous bitch. Easier said than done, I know, but don't let it bother you. Bitter mean people like her apparently have nothing better to do than lash out at strangers and pass judgement on a situation they know nothing abut. Piss on her.
I have a 3 m/o daughter, so I haven't gone through the whole potty training experience first-hand. However, I have 10 nieces and nephews. The youngest niece turned 3 in November, and only about a month ago did she finally decide she was done with diapers. She waited until SHE WAS READY. Sure, we went through the panic of "Is she going to be 6 yrs old going to school with a pull-up on?" "Is there something wrong?" But that passes, and you realize that every child is different. You shouldn't force a child into something they are simply NOT READY to do. Leta will potty-train when she is good and ready. And poor baby, I hope she gets to feeling better soon. All those tummy and UTI problems are no fun.
Anyway...thank you for your inspiring and entertaining writing and for sharing your struggle with post-partum depression. You truly are an inspiration to all of us that have had to deal with PPD. I stumbled upon your blog when I was just a month or two pregnant; reading about your bravery in the face of depression helped me realize that it's okay to ask for help and to let those close to you know what's going on. THANK YOU.

Many hugs and blessings to your adorable family (Chuck included!)

Oh, and I love your decorating style. It's very stream-lined and clean.

You let her decide when she's ready. End of story. I didn't have to go through the catheter thing, but the pooping, OH LORDY. Enemas and screaming like you wouldn't believe. A mother shouldn't have to live through having to do that to her child. TMI warning: I remember holding my daughter's legs open while she sat on the toilet, a poop came partway out, on it's way to the water, and WENT BACK UP as my super-human-strengthed-three year old child sucked it back inside. after enemas and softeners and laxatives. It was unreal. I don't actually remember how we got through it. I think we all backed off and just didn't worry so much. She would poo in her sleep occasionally, need lots of cream for her bottom and other parts, but everyone just relaxed. Some weeks she'd go, some days she wouldn't. One day she walked into the bathroom sat down on her little pot and went. like it was no big deal. I'm afraid she was about 4 1/2 or maybe even 5. She'd pee but we still wore pull-ups for the big stuff. It wasn't as scary for her to go in her pants as it was on the pot. She'd go, come tell us and I'd change her.

Hang in there you guys. It really does get better. She's strong. She's smart. So are you guys. Everyone relax and I swear it will work itself out. Once she realizes she can control her tummy pain and make it go away by pooing she will.

p.s. I should also mention that only last week my son had his MRI scan following his own urinary infection. There's nothing more helpless than knowing you can't help your child, but nothing more horrifying than seeing them in pain.

You're a wonderful mum. I know you have six hundred other people saying it, but I hope that it's yet another reminder that the best mothers are the ones who are honest to themselves and their kids.

Leta's going to be so proud of you. :)

I haven't made a comment on the site in quite a long time, although I've sent you a couple of strange and probably gushy e-mails about how much I love what you've built here. I also realize I'm repeating much of what everyone else has said, BUT I can't help myself. I must comment.

Let me start with a small, rather disgusting personal story (How's that for an opener?).

Here is my oversharing moment:

When I was six, after I had been potty-trained successfully, it was discovered that my urethra was a little too small and that I had three kidneys. (!) I had tremendous problems with kidney infections and bladder infections because of these conditions. I was very ill, and one of my strongest memories from that time was the chocolate-flavored antibiotic that I took every day for months.

After several unsuccessful attempts on the part of doctors and nurses (one of whom I kicked in the mouth), a small surgery was performed to open the urethra. Afterwards, I believe I told the doctor I hated him several times. (To which he finally replied, "I don't like you much either"--all said while my mother wilted in mild embarrassment in the corner--poor woman--I was a bit ... strong-willed.) I screamed at the nurses. I called one nurse several names I was not supposed to know. My poor parents.

Anyway, the upshot is that, when I had to use the bathroom, it hurt. So, I refused to do it. I held it through warm baths. I held it through large glasses of water and milk I was given to drink. I held it for SEVEN days. It just really seemed like the logical thing to do.

My parents and the doctor all decided the best thing to do was to let me hold it until I decided to 'not' hold it, if you get my meaning. They decided to let me decide.

I went home and held it (again, yikes, seven days). One afternoon, however, finally, while my mother and the woman who was helping her clean the house, were working, I could no longer contain the flow of what felt like the Colorado river. I leaped off of the couch, ran screaming through the house, pee flying behind me as I went, leapt up onto the bed (thankfully, the sheets had just been stripped off), and peed and peed and peed and peed, screaming all the while.

Even after that humiliation (the cleaning woman laughed her ass off), I still hesitated before peeing for many weeks, although I never held it for seven days ever again.

The thing that helped me most as a child was my mother's understanding. She didn't get angry. She didn't push me. She didn't force me to do what I didn't want to do. She let me and my body make those decisions. She was kind. She understood about my pain.

And this was AFTER I was potty trained. So, age of the child has nothing to do with it. Leta is doing what appears logical, because she sounds like an extremely intelligent and logical girl. And you sound like a wonderful mother.

And I sound like a bit of a nut, but alas, I probably am, although I've never sent vituperative letters to strangers about the ways in which I think that they should raise their child. Now, THAT'S nuts.

Your house is beautiful. I was openly envious when I saw it. I'm especially in love with the built-ins. Your mothering is compassionate and wonderful. I only hope I can be that sort of mother someday.

And to Catherine, if she gets the time to read this, in between thinking about what the rooms of dead children should look like and 'helping' her nanny potty-train her children, knock it off.

Catherine's comments showed what she lacks, not what anyone else does.

Dear Sweet Caring Loving Worried Nurturing Previous but Evolved Mormon Heather,,,,,,,Leta is fantastically lucky to have you as a mom. Can you imagine this woman (who has obviously nothing better to do in her own life, than sit writing critical emails about yours) as Leta's mom? Telling her to stop that sad, constipated, painful face, it's NOT GOING WITH THE CHEERFUL KIDS ROOM DECOR ALREADY! I have for days and days drooled over your house photos. Longing to have such a beautiful, organized, classic, together home. I too have had a child strapped down, terrified, sterile cloths over her face, as her gaping split chin was injected with numbing shots, and multiple stitches. Begging the doctor to please not screw it up as she thrashed about, seeing as, well it was her face for the rest of her life ya know. My children have never been constipated. Our family has quite the opposite problem historically. I once as a toddler got onto the counter and ate an entire box of prunes cause I liked the taste. My mother was horrified for days afterward she tells me. You are doing well. I have a feeling you already know Catherine is off her Pier 1 rocker. Snoooooort.

I can't say when I was potty trained, nor can I offer you anything but support for all the issues surrounding Leta and her issues with #1 and #2. Afterall, how old was Chuck when he was potty trained, and he's already been a congressman and who knows what else? Even though Leta doesn't poop into the throne yet, her choice of when to begin this rite of passage will still not stop her from writing her own future.

I can say however that I hope she is never potty-mouth trained, because I never was and that's one of the things that make me unique. You have the most wonderful potty-mouth, it always makes me laugh! Now, don't get me wrong. My not being potty-mouth trained as a 41 year old can sometimes be embarassing, especially in public, but it sure is fun!

Regarding your house: I think it looks great, it isn't minimalist but it is very feng something. Looks cozy, ain't that what it's supposed to be?

Take care and relax. There is a time for everything.

Jack Greenwood

Oh Heather! How awful for all of you to be going through that! I can only imagine how hard it is to watch your child go through something so awful. Potty training will happen when Leta is ready and not a minute sooner. My son was 3yr and 3 mo. old when he was finally trained and he didn't have any of the problems Leta has had, he was just lazy. We tried everything to train him and nothing worked. Finally we just put him in underwear and within the week he had it. I have heard that Cranberry juice will help prevent UTI's, and there is a Potty Elmo on the market.
I thought your house looked beautiful. I wish my house was that organized, but with 2 kids running around I'm lucky if I can keep up with the dishes and laundry. I think that people who can't say anything nice shouldn't say anything at all. Didn't her mom teach her the Golden Rule?

Clearly, everyone on the planet (or at least your blog, which seems to be a radically skewed and articulate sample) believes that woman is bad, bad, bad *and* all kinds of wrong and you are wonderful and entertaining and a perfectly good homemaker and decorator to boot. We should all be part Martha Stewart, part Shonda Rhimes and part Dixie Chicks simultaneously.

I have two friends who've told great stories about their sons' choices to stop using pull-ups. One had been ill (cancer) for years and so they didn't want to force him to potty train -- wasn't important in the big scheme of things, I guess. His Mom and he were buying diapers right before his 4th birthday. She said, "Look! The package says they're for up to four years old." The number was right there on the side. He really believed that on your fourth birthday you switch to the toilet, so he did.

The other little guy wanted to wear cool underwear with characters, but he was still going in his diapers all the time. His Mom bought a bunch of really cool big boy underwear and showed him exactly where they were in his bedroom for whenever he was ready and one day much (like months) later he could resist those SpiderMan undies no more!

More proof that you're right -- kids will do this (or not) in their time, their way... and there are things you can do to help, but they don't always involve sitting them on the toilet for hours at a time.

More organic chicken broth posts please. I still think about that one. Who *are* these people?

Luck to Leta!

I could give a rat's ass about you or you stupid baby. I even feel dirty coming on here bc I know it increases your # of hits and in turn, your blog revenue. At least you are laughing all the way to the bank.

Try this:

http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Poops-My-Body-Science/dp/0916291456

My son (who is now 6) also refused to go number two when he was about 3 years old. We were trying to potty train him and he dug his heels in and refused. Well, as you described with Leta, he became constipated and the whole vicious circle started. For several months, we had to give him enemas regularly and it was HORRIBLE. I feel for you.

Potty training sucked goat balls. For real.

Best wishes to you and Jon.

Ami

Wow how does that working mom find the time to sit down and write you such a nasty email! =o)

One word...pears! Methinks Madame Catherine might need to ingest a pear or two herself.

My daughter was 3 when she was potty trained. I think that's pretty typical. I'm sure you've received more advice than you can stand, but if you don't mind another bit of advice from a mother of 3, I have one more thought.

It's a little easier to potty train, epecially for night time training, when your child is sleeping in a bed that they can get in and out of by themselves (i.e., a toddler bed or a big girl bed). Both of my kids were able to go to the potty after they had already gone down for the night because they were in toddler beds. This was especially an issue for my son, who needed to go to the potty in the middle of the night.

Just something to think about before you get ready to train (and it sounds like you're not ready yet-- take your time!).

I just wanted to tell you "good luck." Being a mother is a tough job, made even worse by judgemental people. I don't believe teaching children by force is right at all. That is why most people call it "potty learning," these days. You are doing what is right by letting Leta lead the way. It is much more successful in the long run.
Best Wishes to you and to Leta!

Yesterday for some reason it wouldn't let me comment, so I wrote you an email giving some tips that my mom used on me when I had the same problem as Leta. For the record I'm 29 and quite enjoy going to the washroom now!
I also went back and looked at some photos of your home. I'm so seriously serious when I say I would dance all day and night if I had a house where a small child, a dog and a husband and my house looked even a tiny fraction as nice as yours!

I always heard that it was almost traumatic for some children when potty training started. So I figured that it would be at the child's pace. Unfortunately my children were in daycare and were required to be trained at a certain age; fortunately for me it was easy. My neice is 9 and is still not fully trained because of Urinary Tract health issues.
I really don't think its anyone's business unless you're a horrible parent who's feeding Leta chunks of iron to keep her from pooping.
Really? Someone took time out of their day to give another person a scolding over potty traiing?
They need to get a life.
Leta will go when she's ready with your encouragement and support; anything else could continue the cycle of horror for her.
Trust me on the potty horror, I haven't been the same since I saw Jaws for the first time at 9.

I don't know why people go out of their way to send hate mail and berate you as a parent and a homemaker. First of all, your house is lovely and is what is known as simply chic. I also have no doubt with a three year old that ther is a constant eruption of toys, books and other fun stuff that constantly has to be put away. This woman seems to insinuate that you threw away all of Leta's toys and hermetically wrapped your child in plastic wrap. In regards to potty training, I worked at a day care throughout high school and college and children are usually not ready for toilet training until around age three. Phisiologically their body's just aren't ready for them to hold it and to recognize the messages to their adorable little brains that they have to go to the bathroom in time to do something about it. It's amazing, but they totally let you know when their ready. Leta's medical condition makes it extra difficult as you don't want toilet training to turn into something traumatic. Just because this woman's son was able to start peeing in the toilet at age 2 doesn't mean shit. So to speak. Good for her, she can spend the money she's saving on diapers for dry cleaning her "my son is toilet trained worship me" sweatshirt.

What a horrible ordeal. I wish I had some advice to offer, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can for her. Poor Leta. No fun at all.

Look in the mirror and say out loud "I am Heather B. Armsrong, a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker" and I'm sure you'll feel better. Ever since discovering your site a few months ago I say that to myself each day (putting in my own name sometimes, too.) You kick ass and Leta is going to do something amazing with her will someday.

I hope the comments given have made you feel a lot better Heather;
I myself was a 'force of nature' as a toddler, although I didn't have Leta's..solid problem, I spent most of my first 8 years simply too busy in the world to worry about the niggling sensation that I needed to use the toilet. That was sooooo not as important or interesting as the bug-house I was busy creating blueprints and hiring contractors for. As a result I wet myself regularly for all those years until a barrage of hospital tests proved that it was not a physical problem and something my parents and I had to train myself to pay attention to. I think going to school and the possibility of embarrassing myself helped a lot, as it may well do when Leta starts spending more time with her peers. She will let herself go when she's ready!

I feel so bad for Leta. I hope she slowly forgets to be afraid or stubborn about her functions. I hope she forgets this whole miserable part of her childhood and only remembers lazing in bed and singing and loving licorice. And I hope you will forget those terrible ten minutes. I think as long as you keep track of her functions so you know if she's entering the danger zone, you're doing all you can. She has to grow past it and continuing to nag or cajole her can only make her more obstinate. Your critics are all self-righteous hags.

Wow. This is post is going to break 1k comments.

Waiting makes sense. I know you've probably thought of this, and choosing between starving her and constipation is tough, but what about diet? Do they make high fiber pop-tarts? Colon blow Licorice? An all raisin diet?

I have been reading you since our babies were born. Mine is only a couple weeks behind yours. Anyways, Miss G is not even close to being potty trained. I decided when she was born hat I would follow my friends advice. She never tried to get her daughther to PT. A few weeks after she turned three she told her mommy that she no longer wanted to wear diapers that she was going to wear panties. So her mommy put the panties on her fearing for the worst. When she had to go she went to the bathroom and has only a couple accidents to this day. So if wait till they are ready you wont have to pull your hair out about it.
I havent even started with my gal but she knows how to potty and she watches us but she isnt ready to do it yet or you know what?? She would! When she wants to potty she will just like everything else she has done. I bet you our kids will be PT'd within a couple weeks of each other just like every other mileston Leta has met a couple weeks ahead of G!
I could care less what other people say. I know my child best and they arent the ones changing the diaps and actually right now with another little one its much easier to change a diap then to harrass her all day about getting to the potty in time. No thanks. She will get there when she gets there. If she is 5 then I guess she wll just go to kindergarten in diapers. Yeah right. I dont think any kid would let that happen.

Argh! I'm so frustrated for you. And clearly I'm not alone. And poor Leta. It's so hard when they don't know what's wrong and are in pain. Sorry you had to take that time out of your day to read her email and question yourself for even a second. Good luck to you. Maybe if you let Leta Poo all over her room it would make Catherine happy. Better yet, go Poo all over Catherine's front stoop.

Yes, this is one of those posts that Leta will read when she's 15 and go, "Dear Lord, Mother, WHY?!"

I know this is totally not the same thing, but a girl once went out of her way at school to inform me that she thought the bumper stickers on my car were "stupid."

Don't you just love how other people think their opinion should matter?

And, like everyone's already said, She don't know shit about Leta. Literally.

The woman who wrote that vitriol about your house deserves to be spanked and have her computer taken away.

You're doing the right thing by being patient with Leta. Keep on, it'll be okay.

Oh, and what commenter WANNABEMAE said about the pears — I personally think Catherine should ingest some of those pears right up her ass.

I'll try to make this short since you received 80 billion replies already. I was PISSED when I read what that lady said! I have had to train a child that wet his bed every night to potty train but for some reason he was deathly afraid. After reading all she went through I wanted to cry. I can't imagine how it feels to get a catheter and I also can't imagine what it's like to have to hold your daughter down so she can get one.

For lack of a better word....FUCK catherine...she's a twat.

That made me cry. Hey Catherine-next time you want to send one of your little emails, maybe consider that you don't have the whole story. Then go fuck yourself. Sheesh.

You can lead a kid to the toilet, but you can't make them shit!

Seriously, I have some qualms with a woman who writes, "I go to work every day and he is trained on the potty." Um, yeah. I have a friend who is a working mother (and I have nothing but love for working mothers). She said this to me one day, "Potty training was so easy. I picked her up from daycare one day and she was potty trained. I didn't have to do anything."

I have no advice to give you from myself. My son trained fairly easily, but has had none of experiences that Leta had. (The diaper fairy was a big help too.)

My favorite quote on potty training is from Flea of One Good Thing: "Bribery, on the other hand, worked to get him potty trained when he and I had been locked in a battle of wills that lasted so long that I started thinking my responsibility for wiping his butt would end when I finally passed the job on to his wife."

Well, I'm a 34 year old woman from Brazil and I have no kids. I've been reading Dooce for a couple of months now. I mean, I've became a Dooce junkie. I could tell how much I enjoy your writting and pictures and stories and good moles... But most of all, I admire the courage you have to share your life, and it takes a lot of courage - even with people that just won't get it. And when it happens, you're still able to do it even better. Need same encouragement? YOU ARE ENCOURAGEMENT, HEATHER. Thank you soooo much!

oh, and Catherine can get a prostate exam from captain hook for all I care.

I am so sorry, Heather, to hear all of this. And seriously - I would like to punch that woman in the face for saying all those horrible things to you. Women way too often feel it necessary to belittle one another instead of giving helpful advice. Children potty train at all different ages. My niece is almost totally trained and she just turned two. My stepson was about 3 when he was completely trained. No worries, Heather. She will come around.

It sounds to me like Leta is a very willful child. And very intelligent, too. Sometimes the very smart kids think things through too much and over-evaluate a situation. She is obviously easily freaked out by situations, and after having a UTI, that is to be expected. It sounds like she really wants to have control, and pooping and peeing are two huge control factors that little kids have. If they are pressured to do it, they just won't. So fuck the people who say you are not training her fast enough.

To make her a little less fearful of using the potty and pooping and peeing in general, maybe get her some cute books on potty training. Also maybe draw silly pictures of poop and pee - yeah, that sounds really retarded but kids love stuff like that. Oh yeah! Even try these dolls at this website http://www.peeandpoo.com/eng/flasheng.asp - they are sorta freaky, but the Pee and Poo dolls really make kids laugh and make the whole scenario of doing Numbers 1 and 2 a lot less frightening. I know Leta is a smart kid, and she might be like "WTF are these things?" but then again, she might giggle and get a real kick out of it.

Sorry for the long response - I just know how frustrating it can be to see a child have issues with something, especially something physical. You will get through it!!!

Wow, I'm sorry you guys are having to go through this.

I have 3 kids - eldest is 17 and the last 2 were VERY late at being potty trained. Close to 4.

They'll do it when they're ready. And clearly Leta is not.

Hi Heather,

I loved your room design. I want to be just like you when I have kids. Will you come help me make sophisticated yet modern rooms? Oh, wait, let's call it shabby-chic, and then let's call crazy-Catherine "Mary-Ann" from the book "Little Children." Mary-Ann is a hateful-bitch mom who wants to make other moms look bad.

I have no idea what it is like to be a mom, but I have always thought that you should write a book about mothering, so that once I do have mine, I can look to you for advice. Thanks for dooce.com.

I really think you should publish her email address so we can all let her know what we think about her.

One of my kids was ready at 3.5, and has only had about one accident in two years, and our other kid is just now three and has no inclination to train - as a friend of mine says - it all depends on when the brain and nerves get hooked up down there. It has nothing to do with parenting skills and very little to do with anything else you do for that matter. Peace and love to Leta for being her mama's daughter. Peace and love to you and Jon for being the great parents you are.

You potty train when she's ready. Done and done.

All I want to say is that I am so very sorry you even got that email in the first place. I know that you know you are a great parent, a loving mother and someone that Leta absolutely adores. The internet is a real phreak show these days. But as comment 700 and something, look at that. We got your back. Keep remembering that.

heather,

you don't owe anyone an explanation for anything you. that mom needs to get a life. i didn't potty train my daughter til she was 3 1/2 and only because she had to be for her daycare. she goes days at a time without pooping. and i think your house is gorgeous.

to hell with the haters.

xoxox
- jen lovely

Some people become complete nosy idiots when they become mothers. We have a saying here in Dixie. "Nunyo." It's Nun Yo Bidness!

After Catherine emailed you, she lovingly dusted the corners of her velvet Elvis portrait hanging over the plastic mantel nailed to the fake wood paneled walls in the livingroom. Catherine shed a tear for your lack of creativity as she admired her newest velvet aquisition, the dogs of poker. As she refilled the pink knitted dolly with the plastic head cleverly disguising an extra roll of toilet paper in the bathroom, she paused to ponder the small generator and wires in the corner. Should she remove the contraption now? No, one of the boys could have an accident in the middle of the night and need a reminder....

Catherine is a tastefree ass. Everytime I see pictures of your house I find it refreshing. Over decorating just assaults the eyes, it isn't restful. I admire the forms and colors you choose for your space and the openess. You have a wonderful eye.

Only a cyborg would be so cruel in her comments. You and Jon are wonderful parents doing a great job. I'm so sorry you all three have had to endure such a battle with poor Leta's bowels and bladder, let alone the email and commentary stupidity.

sounds like a control issue to me, making sense of the world and finding out how to exist within it without becoming overwhelmed.
Is there something that you can give her complete control over? Let her practice saying "no" to something else?
Asking her for opinions/choices in relation to as many other aspects of her life might help distract her away from withholding herself from the world and gaining a form of control for herself through eating and excreting.
Perhaps you could try giving her 2 options for everything she does for a while - "the pink or the blue shirt?" kind of stuff so she learns that she can control her life in other ways and hopefully she'll drop the control in other (more painful and less fun) areas.
If you even read down this far!
Good luck, and thanks for making me laugh out loud most mornings down here in NZ.

Just a couple observations and comments:

Everyone Poops... except for Heather and Leta. Bless her pea-pickin' heart, she's a chip off the old block, huh?

As I read your post it brought back painful memories from when my daughter was an infant. She too had pooping issues. Unfortunately hers involved us having to use finger cots to enlarge the "passage" per the pediatrician's orders. I couldn't even be within a 3 room radius and made her father do it. Not fun, not fun at all. 13 years later she's fit as a fiddle and none the wiser. It was definitely more traumatic for us than for her. Can't even begin to imagine having to be involved in a catheterization. No, thank you! Hang in there, this too shall pass- no pun intended.

Oh, and as for Catherine the Hater- p-f-f-t. Fark her and the broom she rode in on!

I was a Leta. I had the same horrific constipation issues at that age, and my mother was distraught with worry and guilt over the things (namely, the enemas) she had to do to me. I know it brought immeasurable relief to my mother to hear years later that I have absolutely no memories of those enemas. So, while it doesn't help her or you now, perhaps it is of some small comfort that there's a good chance she won't remember it either. When I got old enough to know that holding it forever wasn't a rational solution, I remember my mom sitting with me in the bathroom for what seemed like hours, holding my hand and hugging me while I fearfully tried to poop. Though it didn't really help with the pain, it was comforting - and I'm sure whatever you're doing to help Leta is comforting to her as well. In the end, there was no miracle cure for me. It just gradually got better and eventually I grew out of it. I'm now 31 and have been an excellent pooper for decades. I'm sure the same will hold true for Leta. You're doing a great job.

I have no earthly idea if you will read all the waaaaay down here...over 700 posts! But just in case...

My daughter has struggled with constipation since she was an infant. She would go poop once every other day if she was lucky. The doc said as long as she didn't show signs of pain or discomfort, that was probably normal for her. Of course looking back, I should have known better. I would take her in for her check up and the nurse would inform me she had a double ear infection. WTF?! She never fussed or pulled at her ears or anything to let me know. She was such a happy baby and so sweet. She of course grew out of that! HA!

She started potty training around 2 but digressed when I went through my divorce about 6 months later. By 3 or so she was back on track. For a time. She began having accidents at daycare. Long story short, with her constipation the doc said to give her extra fiber but that backfired. She got so backed up I had to give her an enema. I feel you pain. Totally. I am still suprised my neighbors didn't call CPS on me the way my daughter was screaming like I was pulling her toenails out with my pliers. I tried every way I could to convince her that she would feel better. She just gave me a look that said "You want to stick that WHERE? Yeah right, and I am the fucking tooth fairy. Nothing is going IN or OUT of there, thankyouverymuch." I had to sit on top of her. It was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. Right up there with running over the neighbors dog. But I digress. Within one minute she RAN to the bathroom. After flushing the toilet THREE times, my baby ate. She had stopped eating several days earlier. We of course ate out on the patio because the house stunk like nobody's business. But she ate. What a glorious feeling!!

Anyway, she is 8 years old and on probably the same powder laxative every night. For the most part she is okay. Every once in a while we struggle. And I feel terribly guilty because she got this from me. I have struggled since I was a girl.

Constipation defintiely throws potty training for a loop. Constipation or not though, potty training will come when the child is ready. Some are ready at 2, some aren't. I don't think there is anything wrong with helping guide them though. Sitting and reading on their own little potty is always good. I liked the idea above where someone mentioned showing her that peeing is okay and it doesn't hurt. Especially since she went through that UTI.

Hang in there. Each child is different. THANK THE LORD!

Heather,
You know what needs to be done. The ratio of well over 700 to the one is pretty convincing.

So sorry for everything you and Leta are going through.
I found potty training my girls much easier once I stopped using Pull Ups. I only let them wear real panties during the day, and it only took about a week to get the hang of it. No girls of any age like to walk around in wet panties! Good Luck!!

There is little as frustrating in parenting life as watching your child stubbornly refuse to go to the bathroom. The pee dance, distended stomach, farts to clear a room, and still won't go. I've been there, and we're almost over it, just in time to (sigh) potty train the little brother. I'd have that self-righteous potty-training woman come over and have a go at my boys, but I'm really not up for the therapy they'd need down the road. It'll happen. Eventually. In the meantime, I recommend large doses of red wine after she's in bed. It cuts down on parental frustration.

Heather,

At the time I'm commenting there are some 722+ comments. I obviously don't have time to read through all of them so please forgive me if I repeat what has already been said.

First, I want to tell you that I'm the mother of a child who from the age of 1 until about the age of 5 suffered from chronic constipation. I've had to give my child an enema on several occasions and know just what you mean when you say you hope no one has to ever do that to their own child. It is horrifying, as you know, and in a nutshell, you've violated your child. It's a horrible feeling to have to live with. I could go on and on about our experience with a child who had so much willpower he could hold TWO enemas in! Suffice it to say that those 4 years were my darkest moments as a mother. I truly thought I was going to lose my freaking mind over it all.

Second, because of the experience with our first child and his constipation, which of course I thought I caused by pushing too hard on the potty training issue, I didn't initiate potty training with my second child. And you know what? That boy potty trained himself - at the most inopportune time. He decided he wanted to start using the potty when his baby sister was about 3 days old. *That* was fun.

Third, I have a daughter who is 1 month younger than Leta and she is potty trained but you know what? I had nothing to do with it! She did it all on her own, just like her brother. Because she was ready! You are right on to trust your own intuition and to know that your daughter will start using the toilet when she's READY. Screw people like the holier than thou Catherine. Some people truly have no life and the only way they can feel better about their own pathetic life is to criticize others.

And finally...screw Catherine's fashion sense. She clearly has none. Your house is wonderful - I always enjoy seeing pictures of it. It has a lot of character and you've done a great job decorating it. It has your style.

I've sent you a few emails over the past year or so (I live in the area) and my guess is that they end up in your junk mail folder. Too bad Catherine's didn't end up there too. I'm sorry you have to read that kind of shit. You've got thicker skin than I do, that's for sure!

I hope that I can one day be as sweet and kind a mother as Catherine. Those two children are incredibly lucky to have such a tyrant for a mother. I am expecting my 4th child in 5 years. Obviously, I am not the sanest person to be offering advice. I have always potty trained right at 2 yrs old (b/c nothing like 2 in diapers to get you motivated.) But 2 year old are not really potty-trained. Sure, you can brag that they are. But they are really potty-possibles. Possibly they may pee on the potty, possibly on the floor. Possibly in a cup on the floor like my 3 yr old did for a while. Waiting until they are 3 is probably much smarter and cleaner. I just don't have the patience.

Heather -

Totally know what you are going through on two fronts: our almost 4-year-old daughter has poo issues, too. Always has had as a result of a chronic health problem. My partner and I live and die by the quality and quantity of poo that does or doesn't come out of this kid.

On the other front, our almost 4-year-old son just got kicked out of play school for "aggressive" behaviour and just like a plague of locusts, a gaggle of perfectly-coiffed judgmental mothers descended upon us.

Un-f**king believable.

That woman who wrote to you was a total bitch. I don't understand why any mother would try to judge another. It's such a difficult job. I'm not a mother yet, but I've come close to losing my mind over just dealing with my animals. I can't imagine, other than seeing my friends who are mothers, how difficult and gut wrenching it can be.

My friend had a little boy who suffered with constipation and he too was terrified to go the bathroom and didn't move forward to potty training until he was 4. I don't know what you doctor has told you about constipation, but when there isn't enough water in the colon or enough of the right good bacteria, it causes problems. My friend tried children’s chewable probiotics. You can get them at Wild Oats. I know you have a really hard time getting Leta to ingest anything she doesn't want to and I'm sure you have probably tried just about everything. Besides friendly bacteria, the potassium/sodium balance is a major factor in keeping the colon lubricated. Too much sodium and not enough potassium will caused the body to retain water and that causes constipation. Water helps to dilute sodium in the blood and fruits are really high in potassium which can offset sodium. Oranges and bananas have some of the highest levels of potassium, while most processed foods are rather high in sodium. It's a very tricky balance and I wish I had an easy answer for you, because I know how hard it is to try to get a child to eat something they don't want to. If there is enough water in her colon though, it will make it so much harder for her to hold it.

I wish you the best of luck.

See, Heather there are a lot of good people on the internets. Can't believe all the comments. I don't have kids so I can only barely relate. What I can't understand is why someone would take the time out of their life to make these nasty comments to someone else? When she hit "enter" did she feel better about herself? My feeling is that you were just on the receiving end of an unhappy, frustrated person. I like your house too. I have similar taste. I really hope that people such as Catherine will not keep you from sharing you and your family with us. I enjoy seeing Letas pictures and videos etc. She's just one of those kids that grab your attention for some reason. This coming from a straight single guy who just happens to like watching kids do cute, funny things.

How fortunate you are Heather, to be blessed with the wisdom of a woman so concerned about your daughter’s potty training that she started her email about the sterility of your home. You know, a lived-in home always makes me want to crap in the toilet. I can’t believe I registered on any website soley because I was moved by the rantings of a maniac. How disgusting people can be and of course her children are potty trained, she would scare the sh+t out of me too. Can you imagine if they DIDN’T use the potty?

And to Seth and his psychological observations. Clearly Leta had a perfectly normal reaction to the catheter. (See other's comments in the same situation). If you were to kick a dog when it went pee, it would probably become reluctant to do so over time. And to your agreement about Heather’s house being depressing and sterile… you depress me and make me and wonder if you’re sterile. (crosses fingers).

Hi Heather. I just discovered your blog a few days ago. Love it. You crack me up.

Anyways, I wanted to add my sympathy and support to the barrage of comments you already have. No one should have to suffer through what you, Jon and Leta have gone through and then have an ignorant, self righteous woman judge you. That's just not cool.

ps. if you're in the market for a book to make Leta feel more comfortable about pooping, try Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi.

Our pre-school teacher was pushing Thomas to potty train when she first got him, at the age of 2 years and 3 months, in September. It took about a month to convince her that HE wasn't ready and no one was going to convince him, including Ms. 18-Years-Of-Experience. I love her to death, but we did not see eye-to-eye on that one.
It seems you already know one of the most important things about being parents: communicating with your kid - both ways. Good for you.

Like you need another comment, but here goes. Mainly, what goes in must come out: I think you're going to have to change Leta's diet. I know she's a picky eater, but you're going to have to find whatever food is giving her diarrhea. And by changing her diet, you're going to have to stop eating the foods you may love too. Write down everything she eats, how much of it, and get a nutritionist's advice. You may have to get rid of all the junk food in the house. Try making the new food into little smiley faces and animal cutouts, etc. Get some cookie cutters so the healthy new food is fun for her. Basically, she either needs to eat more of "something" or eat a lot less of "something else" that's making her poop liquified. If she's eating a bowl of refried beans for dinner on a regular basis, that habit may be the culprit. Start eliminating one thing, then one more. She'll eat when she gets hungry enough. But she needs to see you and Jon eating good stuff and loving it...My pov, for what it's worth. Good luck.

Can I just say how much I love reading your site! You make me laugh everyday...just wanted to give you some encouragement...and to apologize on behalf of the people- mothers- who think they have a right to speak into your life as strangers...and hide behind their damn computers and try and pass off their snide comments as suggestions...only because they are so over their own boring lives that they have to meddle with others :)

Holy holy holy ... well, shit for lack of a better term. I cannot wrap my brain around the way Mothers bash other Mothers like this. Incredible.

Heather, I'm not able to read all these comments, hope you are lol, my youngest did this exact same thing. I finally FINALLY got him to go to the potty by about 4 or so. It was MISERABLE until then, no doubt. The doc said this happens in children sometimes, they have issues with the percieved pain of a bowel movement and my Little Kid DID, big time.

Good luck, the frustration of it all is quite overwhelming, even WITHOUT the rantings of idoit Mothers like this woman.

Someone else has no doubt said this, I did not read all 750-odd comments. But this is what someome said to me when I was struggling to potty-train my now 30 year old, non-diaper-wearing son... Try to imagine Leta at 16, still wearing diapers. Not possible, right? Try to imagine her at 5. Even this really stretches the imagination. No five year old is going to WANT to wear a diaper. This is just to say that it does not matter what you do or don't do, or what Leta wants or does not want now or in the near future... she is going to at some point CHOOSE not to wear diapers. So no worries.

This works with the thumb-sucking issue and the wont-let-go-of-the-blanky issue as well. There are no forty year old women walking around sucking their thumbs or clutching blankies. (Yes, I know I have left myself wide open to all kinds of come-back lines here, mostly X rated, but that's okay. I'm not changing a thing I said.)

Dear, dear Heather... (and Jon and Leta)

I am expecting my first child this summer, so I can't offer advice. But know that reading your blog has been a bright point and an inspiration for me for years.

Thanks for your honesty and humor, and most of all for putting yourself in a place where all your talents can be admired and appreciated. Never, ever let people like the pitiful Catherine occupy even one second of your daily thought. Just keep being the wonderful mother, wife and writer that you are.

I think you should send Catherine the lovely hand-painted Sweaty Goat Balls card signed with a smearing of one of Leta's fecal offerings.

Oh, and best wishes for Leta's success when she is good and ready. I hope she feels better very soon.

In 1945, a young girl named katu lata kulu came over to America in a grey boat. A mysterious man killed her by cutting the word "LATUALATUKA" into her back. now that you have read this message she will come to your house on a full moon and steal your soul unless you follow these directions:
1 Retype this message as a comment for three other blogs.

hehehehe...

it's such a bummer you are subject to criticism from such wankers. if only some genius could create a mail filter which would prevent the self-righteous from executing the send command.

anyway.

you are leta's mom, you know her best, and you will know when she is ready for the next step. i think she has demonstrated that she does things in her own time and her own way.

it will work out.

hugs to all of you.

Heather, you are a most caring loving mother and a very wonderful wife. Your family is the luckiest of this world to have you. My wife and I have four children and they have grown up to be upstanding responsible adults and teenagers and still, to my knowledge, are not yet potty trained. We're very mellow parents as well; my wife says when they're ready, they'll use toilets on their own, don't force it. Have a wonderful 2007. Your caustic candor in the anecdotal chronicling of your daily life is refreshing; you are the Irma Bombeck for the new millennium. Please continue!!! You write like an angel...

man. i honestly try never to give mothers advice and think that it is a good rule of thumb. for everyone. parenting is a sensitive subject when the advice-giving begins. especially unsolicited advice. oh the internet battles waged over unsolicited parenting advice.

with that said, i am not a parent but i spent quite a few years nannying and potty training children. so. the only way i could get my charge to use the toilet was to bribe her. we made a little chart on the fridge and everytime she used the potty, she got a star. 5 stars, she got to pick something from the prize bucket (dollar store items, and candy). if she pooped in the toilet, she immediately got to pick from the prize bucket.

i don't think this will help Leta get over her fears at all but it might become of use later on. maybe. who knows.

best of luck & happy thoughts.
(fuck that lady, btw)

Hi. My 15 month old son is a fellow non-pooper. After a couple of nasty constipation episodes, he's also sealed the exit and, like your baby girl, his nappy dumplings are only released under the cover of darkness. I'm pumping lactulose into him in the hope I can grease his bowels to the point it shoots out unnoticed. I live in hope.

I understand the utter frustration and anxiety of watching your child essentially harm themselves and the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness to fix the problem. I've received lots of well intended advice about diet, medicines and poop inducing techniques but I know that it's a behavioural problem and if all my expert advisors had seen the terrible pain he was in they'd better understand why he's trying to save himself from going through that again.

I recently wrote myself about the sad fact that our harshest critics as mothers comes from other mothers.

The pressure to maintain the illusion that everything is fluffy and wonderful all the time is eased by women like you who are willing to say it how it is and tolerate the criticism of the ignorant.

I hope your little girl feels much better soon. x

Hi. My 15 month old son is a fellow non-pooper. After a couple of nasty constipation episodes, he's also sealed the exit and, like your baby girl, his nappy dumplings are only released under the cover of darkness. I'm pumping lactulose into him in the hope I can grease his bowels to the point it shoots out unnoticed. I live in hope.

I understand the utter frustration and anxiety of watching your child essentially harm themselves and the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness to fix the problem. I've received lots of well intended advice about diet, medicines and poop inducing techniques but I know that it's a behavioural problem and if all my expert advisors had seen the terrible pain he was in they'd better understand why he's trying to save himself from going through that again.

I recently wrote myself about the sad fact that our harshest critics as mothers comes from other mothers.

The pressure to maintain the illusion that everything is fluffy and wonderful all the time is eased by women like you who are willing to say it how it is and tolerate the criticism of the ignorant.

I hope your little girl feels much better soon. x

It's so refreshing to know that there are some people out there, like Catherine, who can totally figure and judge someone else's life by reading a few blog entries and by looking at a few pictures. I thought the rule was that you had to walk in their shoes, but her way is soooo much easier! Don't worry about a thing. You and Jon are wonderful parents, and Leta will pee on the toilet when she damn well wants to. our daughter is 2 months younger than Leta and is also nowhere near potty-trained. You don't push that kind of thing unless your child is of the canine variety - and we can't even get our dog to go where she's supposed to.

I can't imagine what genetic abnormality women are given that makes us feel the urgent need to criticise at least one other woman that we've never actually met in our entire lives for their parenting skills, clothes, husband choice, home decor, shoes, hair, or career choice... and in this case simply based on the familiarity that reading a person's blog over and over again apparently gives.

I can't imagine getting that worked up about a blog entry that you'd have to snap that way - unless, of course, it contains one of those scrolling cursors that automatically download themselves. I can't be blamed for my actions with those.

I think - apparently along with the general consensus - that waiting it out is the right idea. You don't want her to be scared of this, and therefore it's not something you can force. I think it's pretty admirable that you haven't ripped your hair out thus far, as I remember the potty training age as being fairly trying, without layering constipation and anxiety on top of it.

The way I figure it, she'll decide that it's safe along the way, as long as it's not pushed at her and she has nothing to angrily defend against.

A mini-story to make you feel better. Or, at least, entertain you.
A friend of mine, Amy, has a son we'll call Brady. Both of them are very anal retentive and stubborn.
When it came time to potty train Brady, he threw such a stubborn fit that Amy relented and continued to buy diapers.
Different attempts at potty training produced mixed results, as Brady knew what to do... he simply had no interest whatsoever in doing it.
At her wit's end, Amy told Brady she simply wasn't changing him anymore.
So, from that day on, and until he was old enough to spend the night with friends (around 6), she'd buy the diapers and he'd change himself.
It was a sight to watch - and you had to watch, because it was a battle of wills and both were determined to win... sort of a parental form of Survivor.
But Brady would grab the diaper, wipes, and proceed to turn this way and that to make sure he was clean... before fastening the diaper and going about his merry way.

He eventually made up his mind and decided this potty training thing was okay, and Leta will too.
Best of luck.

Dooce- sorry to hear about all your trouble with sweet Leta! If it makes you feel any better we just started serious potty training with my son, who was 3 on December 5th. So far he has pooped in the potty 1 time and ON THE LID of the potty 1 time- progress is slow but will happen. The pediatrician said not to push it until he was ready- not to really even try until he was 3. So, even if I send him off to the senior prom wearing depends under his tux, at least I will know that I had sound medical advice behind me. Hang in there- this too shall pass... (sorry for the pun.)

Oh, honey. That sucks.

I will tell you that my niece had similar issues with the not wanting to poop, and the psychic ability to make it happen (or not, to be more accurate). They also used the lovely laxative to mixed effect, dealt with the urinary infections. Their daughter is now 7, and is just. fine. She pees, she poops, she's *fine*. As Leta will be, after some time. It'll be okay.

Having had a child with similar issues- I feel your pain. When my oldest was 3 1/2 and not potty trained and not interested in it, I felt stressed a lot. Eventually, she got it and so will your little one. You certainly cannot make her do it before she is ready.

Your home is so cute and I say this because it looks exactly like mine. Want to come over and look at catalogs together?

Why do I picture this women's home filled with crapwalk items?

As always, your loyal fan and stalker
Lotta

Hello Heather,

I don't know if you will get through all 774 comments (!!!) to read mine - I couldn't even peruse them to see if what I want to say has already been said - but I enjoy your blog regularly enough that I want to give my two cents.

First of all, I have suffered from chronic constipation practically my whole life. Yes, I remember doing incredibly humiliating things like waiting on the toilet until my dad CAME HOME FROM WORK when I was in elementary school. I think that I am a person who naturally tends towards constipation (as is my daughter) but also that I suffer from mild FOOD ALLERGIES. As a relatively healthy adult I have come to realize that I am most likely lactose intolerant. I am Korean-American and it's taken me years to discover that drinking milk, eating ice cream or too much butter (i.e non-Korean foods) gives me a mild stomach-ache.

Not that being being raised by two doctors gives me any medical validity - but I suspect that your daughter has mild food allergies. I would not necessarily recommend going to a doctor, but rather I would suggest trying a food elimination diet and see if her pooing habits change at all. Probably people have suggested increasing her intake of fiber (prunes) and roughage (veggies or psyllium seed)and water, but the only thing that has ever increased my bowel regularity has been eating scottish oatmeal everyday for breakfast.

Also, I would investigate the bowel habits of everybody in your family - sounds crude but it's basic medical protocol. My daughter has always pooped just like me! (Being half-caucasian, she is not nearly as lactose-intolerant as I am, but she was much more so as a baby.)

Good luck. Leta is lovely and you are a brave and articulate writer. A tongue that cuts through shit...

Heather,

Don't worry! The poo thing is totally normal for kids this age. I have 3 kids who have all gone through potty training in the last 5 years, and every single one of them tried to hold in their poo at around 2 or 3.

It's scary with your first, then when it happens with your 2nd and your 3rd too, you just go with the flow & wait 'til it passes.

Don't worry. Leta will figure it out in her own time. Meanwhile, just ignore all the people who are critical. They don't know what they're talking about!

I'm still in shock that that stupid whore wrote that to you. I think that she should go mist herself with pepper spray.

Many, many hugs.

Just a word of encouragement. My daughter held #2 for a while when she was 3. I fed her prunes and whole wheat bread and tried to get things moving, but we didn't have much luck. She wasn't constipated, she was holding it by sheer will.

Anyway, what finally worked for us was to take her to the doctor. The doctor explained to us in great detail what could happen if she held it too long. I guess she was listening to what the doctor said... her eyes got very big, and she went right home and pooped.

Hey, also, we got a bowl and put it on the bathroom counter. We got little $1-$3 toys to put it in that she would get if she pooped. She called them "poop toys"... gross, I know. Anyway, that really helped too. After she got over her fear of pooping she would poop several times each day to get a toy until we finally had to put a stop to that. Good luck to you. I know it is really hard, and it sounds like you have it much harder than most of us.

Long time reader, first time commenter.

Not to sound cliche but patience is such a virtue.
My daughter turned 3 in October. I had our 2nd child about 3 weeks before this and she completely regressed. All the progress we made prior to this, just went out the window.

She then got constipated and it got so bad that I would find her hiding behind things so no one could see her and she would cry hysterically as her whole little body shook and trembled because it was causing her so much pain. She wouldn't go for days at a time. This was going on up unitl the first week in January. She started preschool and goes willingly every day on the toilet.

I found that Little Tummy's chocolate flavored laxative drops helps tremendously. I put the drops into her sippy cup at night before bed with milk. She never knows the difference. Also, there is a product called Beneful which is a powder form of fiber that is tasteless. You can just sprinkle it into whatever you are eating. Again, they never even know that is there.

My thoughts go out to you all. It is heartbreaking as a parent not to be able to help your child. You ARE doing the right thing by letting her do this on her own. Kids are the best indicator as to what they are ready for.

Thanks for all the inspiration you, Jon, and Leta have given me over the last couple of years.

Heather, when our children were little and someone was adamant about giving "helpful" (hyper-critical) advice, I learned to understand that the person wasn't even talking to me. She was always talking to herself, trying to justify a choice that she had made herself, some time in the past, by telling me vehemently that I must do it the way that she did it. Knowing that made it easy for me to disregard any advice that didn't fit, and helped me not to take it personally. I don't know what to do about Leta and the bathroom. I think you and Jon know best because you are smart and you love Leta and you know her better than anyone does. Leta is very smart and very sensitive and a fast learner. She also has amazing self control when she decides she wants to do something. I have never met a child her age who could control peeing and pooing like that! Somehow this will pass. Everyone learns to use the bathroom by the time they are 5. I think you should keep doing what you know is best.

mompoet

Heather, props to you for not only talking publicly again about poop, but making SO MANY people also talk about poop, on the internet! In public! (scandalous! hehehe).

I'm surprised such an uptight woman as Catherine could use the term 'potty'. She MUST know it's properly termed a toilet? I mean, come on now.

As I already said in an email yesterday, I think you're doing wonderfully. And, I also think your house is awesome, I wish I could have things remotely as clean and put-together looking.

Your little one will eventually realize her body doesn't ever intentionally try to hurt her, and then she'll start making mega progress. Gotta get stable with yourself before you can deal with crazy new things... like the potty!

Oh Yikes. I just read Dawn's comment and now I feel awful about asserting that "everyone learns to use the bathroom by the time they are 5." I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. I still want to say that any parents who help their child through something like this should have the support of others around them. We really don't know what you're going through the way you do.

mompoet

That Catherine would take such time and effort to judge you just shows that she thinks she's got clean shit.

Heather,

I have been reading your blog since I gave birth to my only child, a daughter, 3 1/2 years ago. Since this is the first time that I have posted a comment (ever! on anything!) let me first thank you for bringing a smile to my face on a regular basis.

Secondly, my aforementioned daughter also had bowel issues. Like Leta, she would hold it in for days. My husband and I had to give her enemas quite a few times. You're right...it ain't pretty. We started by taking dairy foods away from her and trying to feed her "p" foods...peas, pears, pear juice. That worked sporadically but she put up a good fight, and knowing Leta's aversion to anything that is not chocolate, this may be impossible. After speaking with her Dr we ended up going the Mineral Oil route and we haven't looked back. Worked like a dream. We put 2 teaspoons into OJ each AM and stirred it while she drank it through a straw. Within a couple days she could no longer hold it. She said, and I quote, "Mommy, it shot out like a rocket!" Those words were magic to my ears....

Anyhoo...we kept up the mineral oil routine for a month and then switched to fiber. We now put 3/4 teaspoon of Benefiber in her juice instead. It has been 6 months now and all is good.

Thank you again, for the wonderful entertainment you, Jon, Leta and Chuck bring to all of us!

After reading a lot of these comments I just had a recollection of my own potty training experiences (who remembers that? I shouldn't)... but I distinctly recall my mom carrying me from my bed to the potty chair in my sleep when I was young... 4-6 age range. and I'd go, in my sleep, and she'd carry me back to bed. Someone said something up there a ways about having to do that... my mom had to have done that for a couple years for me to remember it as well as I do, now that I think about it.

Everybody's different. Who cares who does what first (or last!). I grew up being an overachiever (still am... have to be to survive my job), and I can still say that. Anybody who says any different needs to take the stress stick outta their behind.

My son had the same problems with constipation that Leta does. We had the industrial strength laxative, enemas, glycerin suppositories. (and you're so right.. giving your kid an enema is hellish. I'm a trauma nurse and what I do at work doesn't compare to at-home enemas) Then when he was 4 1/2 it just stopped. He goes every few days now and we don't have to do a thing. Hopefully Leta will just grow out of it too. He was a late potty trainer as well. Who cares? They'll learn when they learn. No one ever went off to college in diapers.

On the upside, since your house is so sterile and boring, I bet Catherine won't come over to visit. Silver linings. For what it's worth, I liked the decor. Clean, uncluttered lines.

I am going to shit myself, and set back my own potty training, if your comment count goes over 1,000. Go Heather!

I sincerely hope that all the good messages you get outnumber the crappy ones, because you're a good person and you deserve it.

And to quote my great-grandmother: (I have no idea if she got this somewhere or if she thought of it herself)

May those who love us, love us.
May those who don't love us, turn their hearts.
And if you can't turn their hearts, turn their feet so we can spot them by their limping.

All I have to say is that the woman who sent that e-mail is obviously not the mother of a daughter. I thought I was a GREAT mother when all I had was a son and then along came my daughter. This child has been the definition of stubborn (and all of the words for it in the thesaurus) since she was born. I used to think every battle was worth fighting to keep the "upper hand" but I have learned after almost 5 years to chose the battles and learn to let the rest go. Both my kids waited until they were 3 years old to potty train. My daughter refused to even think about using the potty even though she knew what to do. She is just stubborn.

As for your house, I love it!!! I think everything looks great and I swear I was looking at storage containers like you got after I saw your pictures. I love the organization and use of space. You have a beautiful home but more importantly, you have a loving and happy home. Leta is empowered to be herself because she is secure with her parent's love for her.

Wow. I feel so insignificant in these vast numbers of comments.

My son wasn't potty trained until he was 4. He did not have the physical maturity to do it. When he was ready, he did and has done a pretty darn good job of it. However, he, too, was constipated for the first few years of life. He wasn't afraid of going; he just never went. We did "poop juice" -- shots of wild cherry Milk of Magnesia -- at least once a week. He also never ate, which is why I believe he was constipated. It's not so much holding on to the poop as it is not having enough waste to make poop.

Now, to the "poopy shakes." My niece was just like Leta -- afraid of her poop and holding it for days at a time. She would rock back and forth on her haunches, moaning in this low growl, trying to hold it all in. She got so good at it that she could do the "poopy shakes" standing up -- shifting back and forth on her feet.

While it was hilarious in a sick and perverted way, we all knew how much pain and discomfort she was in. Just about the time she got past her fear of pooping, she too had a urinary tract infection.

I know the agony you, Jon, and Leta are going through. It's incomprehensible to some people -- hence the insensitivity and piousness -- but please try to put that aside.

Anyway, hang in there and just know you are doing everything exactly right for Leta.

I simply can't believe that people don't have anything better to do than judge everything about other people. I'm sorry that you received this email. As painful as this whole situation has been for you, I'm so glad that you just gave it to the emailer with both barrels. I hope she's read your post and is suitably chastened. By the way - this woman would have a field day with me. I have a 3 year, 3 month old boy who will not use the potty. He has no elimination or other health issues - he simply doesn't want to use the potty. In fact, in his preschool class of 13, he is the ONLY child who does not use the potty at all. Per the advice of his doctor and his preschool teachers and administrators, we are not pushing him. I hope he's trained by the summer, or he will not be able to attend the camp to which we want to send him. However, those whose judgement I trust counsel not to push because, when he does decide to use the toilet, his chances at success with fewer accidents are very high. We encourage him (have you seen the Bear and Elmo Potty DVDs? - we have seen them millions of times, at the non-potty-user's adamant request) and we bring him into the bathroom every time one of us goes. At preschool, the teachers traipse everyone into the bathroom once a day. When his best friend is over, this place positively turns into a boys' locker room. However, for whatever reason, he just isn't there yet. Everyone promises me he will be out of diapers before he goes to college! Seriously, good luck with Leta's situation - the poor little girl.

I love all the obvious advice you get. Reminds me of when people ask me if I have tried putting my 10 1/2 month old daughter (who still wakes 2 times per night) down for a nap without rocking her first.
:::Well, no! I had not thought of that!:::
(rolling my eyes)
Follow your gut, Heather. You know that.

i don't have a child, but this story just made me cry. poor leta. i had a room mate about 4 years ago who had a son. his son came over every other weekend for his visits with his dad. every time he came over, he refused to go to the bathroom. i remember my room mate just being so exhausted with worry because his 2 year old son refused to poop. he tried coaxing him and telling him it's ok to poop, but the little guy just wasn't going to do it.

and as for the evil witch who sent you that email, she'll get hers. don't worry.

I read this post and the responses with interest since I just started my 3 year old son on prescription laxatives yesterday because of his chronic constipation. I find most of the responses here very supportive, however, it does bother me that some posts seem to be saying that some working mothers have successfully potty trained children because they send them off to daycare to have someone else train their children. My son is in daycare and I can attest that if a child doesn't want to go poo, he won't go poo at school, at home or anywhere! I have 6 months to get him to use the toilet or he's kicked out of daycare. So, I just hope people don't truly believe working mothers have an easier job potty training.

I like what Tricky Nicky said.... pee in front of her with a smile...

Better yet, learn to pee standing up and then show Leta...what fun you two can have peeing all over the place from a standing position!! She will (as Tricky Nicky said) see that PEEING IS FUN!!!

;-) Just another sick and slightly un-helpful suggestion from someone who thinks Catherine needs help...

Chris

Oh I am sorry to learn that the great and powerful Leta who gives us readers so much joy and hapiness with her recent entry to this world and perspective, may have inherited her poor suffering mothers dryish bowels. For what it's worth my grannies cure was always two tablespoons of cider vinegar in a glass of warm water. And even tho I'm dang near fitty, I sometimes wear a t-shirt like a hat when it's cold

Ha ha, how do you like this now Catherine. I bet you really don't. Aren't you sorry you messed with Heather and all her friends. I love this support!!

First off, I like your house and Leta's room is darling. Those pictures made my heathen ass want to move Utah.
I have a background of over ten years in the Early Childhood field. I have successfully potty trained over 50 children including one of my own (something to boast about, no?) and I can tell you exactly the best age to potty train a child. You ready for this Catherine?
You do it when your child is ready.
It sounds like Leta has been through something traumatic. There is no reason to rush her. I promise you, she will not go to college in diapers.
P.S. When she is ready, go cold turkey during the day, use Pull-Ups or diapers at night until the day training is established well and use Gummybears as a reward-one for pee and two for poop. When the time comes to potty train and you have any questions, look me up, sister.
You follow your own heart on this one Heather and don't let jealous old black hearted Catherine get to you. She just wishes she had your life.

While I haven't read all of the 830+ comments, I have to say Desiree's (#12) probably nails the future of Catherine's children on the head.

Oh yeah, when I saw the pictures of your house I thought, "Gee, I want to live there." My house is covered with clutter, and I seem to clean all the time!

I am so incredibly sorry that you feel you have to explain your actions - or supposed "lack" of - because a woman who is obviously not experiencing the difficulties you and your child are felt the need to sit there and pass judgement.
I am truly, very sorry.
I can only begin to imagine how trying and difficult this must be for you, for Jon, and especially for Leta. My heart goes out to all of you. I wish you the best with this rough spot, and I hope things get better for Leta - and for you.

I wish there were a magic button that we could press every time our children were hurting. I myself don't have any, but I know that my mother has felt so helpless at times over the years, the past couple the most probably [I live far away from her and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis two years ago]. When I call home in tears from the pain and frustration, she sometimes cries too, and I know she would do anything to make it all better.

Though Leta is still so young, just holding her hand and supporting her through it is one of the best things that you can do. Hopefully her body will finally one day win out on her, and she will realize "hey, that isn't so bad".

Best of luck and many loving vibes sent to you all.

Great site Heather.

We do such a beautiful job with children. We suck at taking care of adults.

Catherine, frantic with two kids under two (yikes) and a demanding job (well, she sounds demanded upon) desperately needs a hug. Too bad it takes lashing out at Heather - a complete stranger - to express how little nurture she's finding in the world. My heart goes out to her.

Heather, for sharing so much about the road ahead, sympathy to Leta. Our two year old has a UTI and asked for the potty tonight in the hopes that peeing there instead of her diaper would not burn. How smart! What a potty training set back when it burned anyway...

Meh, people can be so stupid about potty training. Leta will go when she's ready to go, end of story. You can train yourself to take her to the potty all you want, but it doesn't mean she's potty trained. I'm on my third potty training adventure, for the first time a girl, but I can already tell that she will be just like her brothers. They'll potty when they're ready to potty.

One day, you'll be looking at your baby girl in diapers, the next she'll be a big girl in panties and you'll never look back. She won't go to college in a diaper, I'm betting.

I teared when I thought about her ordeal with the nurse, it's no good. We had the same experience with stitches about six months ago, she was not happy and her screaming my name was horrid. Unless someone's been in your house, in your shoes, with your child, they can just buck off.

I am not even reading all the comments. You're a braver woman than I on that.

I wanted to say that if I lived in Utah, I would hope to meet you and hope that my one-year-old and I could be friends with you and Leta. I respect you as a mom and this phase won't last- you'll make it through. I hope some have left useful comments, or your pediatrician will come up with some advice worth the co-pay.

My boy just started solids and pooped so many times today he's burned the skin on his butt. I wiped him off before thinking and hurt his raw little tush- there is truly no winning in parenthood. You're doing your best and Leta will be grateful and love you for it.

psychological! (and I have a psych degree)

Adding my two cents.
My youngest daughter was motivated to use the potty only when I sat on the toilet and she in her potty at the same time and talked, sang songs or read a book together. We even made playdough stuff.
Gives new meaning to quality time with your kid. Kid was really stubborn, so it took some extreme luring to get her to sit there (promises to playgrounds, food favors and other ways the kid extorted me).

Don't worry about it, every kid has her/his own unique potty time bell. It's not easy but it will happen. Leta will potty when she's good and ready. You're great parents and don't let any e-mailing loony tell you otherwise.

Hugs to all Blurbodoocery denizens!

p.s. @Catherine, uh, lady, them kids sure are lucky to have a wonderfully caring Mom -like you- who writes, no scratch that, spews hate-mail to another Mom.

You know, there aren't that many people who'd get over 800 comments on the best way to toilet train their kid.
I'm not going to offer any advice because sheesh, if it isn't covered by the 848 people before me then it really is a life mystery.
We've toilet trained two boys, there's another one who's in line and then one more on the way. The first two were completely different from each other, so goodness knows what the next two will be.
But that bit? Where you said:
...the perspective of someone who lives in the same house as my daughter, of someone who has dressed her and fed her and tucked her into bed for the last three years, I’m thinking that the reason she isn’t yet potty trained is because she isn’t ready.

was completely on the mark.

You and Jon just keep listening to your collective heart and Leta, that will show you the "right" way.

I really hope you leave comments open this weekend, I want to see them reach above 1000. How do you handle reading all of this?

First, the surface stuf: your home is beautifully appointed and looks comfortable.

Secondly, the real deal: your daughter is fabulous. I am sorry to hear that she is suffering. I cannot imagine what it is to be her, unable to fully comprehend the situation. I also cannot imagine what it is to be her parent, having to watch Leta go through all that. I'm wishing her well.

Last: people who act the expert from a distance, without whole knowledge of your situation, have issues. Would that stupidity and mean-spiritedness were as painful as chronic constipation.

Dear Heather,

I know nothing about three-year-olds, constipation or UTI. But I - like everyone else on this planet, especially Catherine - have some experience of mean people. Most of us know they suck, but some of us think it's cool to be mean. Catherine believes this. Don't ruin it for her. She believes she is cool for "speaking her mind" "telling it like it is" "whatever-the-fuck-else small people tell themselves to feel less small".

Mean people also do this other cool thing. They realise they are small, so they try to increase their stature by looking down on someone tall. Sort of a how cool am I that I can pick on coolness itself.

You, Heather, are coolness itself. And you are tall. In case you didn't gather that from that last paragraph.

Catherine is miniscule. Really. After what, 851 comments, I hope you've lost her.

Hugs.

Leta may be constipated, but that "mother" is the one that's full of shit.

We have two daughters, aged 16 and 13. We have been dealing with this same type of thing for 13's whole life. Every time we get it conquered and think we're in the clear something new and horrible pops up for that poor child and we go through it again.
This last time she had been doing well for years, no problems, and then she ended up with a bad reaction to an antibiotic. She was having the runs more than 20 times a day for over 2 weeks before the doctors decided there might be something else wrong. After a simple test they found the problem, gave her medication and the runs stopped in 1 day. But now Katy has developed an incredible fear of vomiting, or having the runs again or getting sick again and having to be put on anti-biotics again. So much so that she missed the first three months of school. Everyone (including the therapist) was focussing on the vomitting/runs issue and trying to help her deal with her fear of that that it was driven home so deep that she was even more anxious.
We have just recently discovered/remembered that by ignoring the vomitting/runs issue and just dealing with the anxiety and explaining to her what her brain is doing so she is feeling the anxiety, etc. is helping more than anything else. She is still afraid of throwing up, terrified of it but not minute by minute any more, she is back to school for most of the week, most importantly she is starting to enjoy eating again and gaining back some of the weight she has lost, (she is eating a bowl of cereal for the first time in months this morning, she has been afraid the milk would make her throw up, of course eating a bowl of 'forbidden' cereal, ie; her big sister's special cereal, does add to the joy, and she is able to understand it is anxiety she is feeling and is working on that.
I know your little one is so young, but from reading your posts I think she's a smart little girl and maybe if you can work on helping her calm down when she is scared it might make her feel more in control about her life and her reactions and her body. We went through this before with Katy, when she was two she would freak out when she had to poop, lots of screaming and crying so I understand a little of what you are going through. If you want to know how we helped her with the anxiety then and now just email me.

First, how dare ANYONE tell you when the best time is to "train" your own child?! I'm always appalled at other parent's utter audacity to think that just because whatever strict regimen of cohersion and humiliation "worked" for their own child it should work for anyone else's. Perfect training for the public school system I say, but that's a whole other can of worms.

Boy, I could really get on a soap box here, couldn't I?

Heather, you are doing a wonderful job. The times like this, when you feel like you should be doing something, even though, there is really nothing to do, are common to us all. I think that you are so, so right. This is NOT the time to "train" your daughter. Can you tell I hate that term, train? I do. I mean how many of us actually *had* to be trained not to live in our own excrement? None, I'll bet. Because nobody likes being in their own poo. Not even the most primitive cultures live with excrement and yet our culture seems to think that there is some draw to it that we have to brainwash out of our younglings. Please.

A close family member of mine had the very same, the very same, I tell you!...issues with her young boy. who, I'd like to tell you, is now 5 and going potty just fine all by himself. He definitely has a very different poo schedule, but when she finally just stopped bugging him about it, and let him work it out on his own, he did.

I guess having a weekly enema would make me want to avoid thinking about my butt as much as possible too. Could she get used to that and just give up trying to do it on her own, do you think? Of course, if she's making herself sick, you kind of *have* to do it.

You're doing just great. Don't let those freaks give you a hard time. LOL Not like, I'm a freak, or anything. :)

Hi Heather. My family has been through what you're going through. My husband or I have sat on the floor of a bathroom many hours with a crying, suffering four-year old, wondering if we could/should make her go poop. It's emotionally draining for parents and child and everyone shares in the joy of the long-awaited poop.

She was almost five when she started experiencing constipation and, because of the pain, she started holding it, once for 11 days. She didn't want to eat because she knew she'd have to poop later. Our pediatrician was no help. He prescribed the laxative you spoke of: colorless, tasteless, put it in drinks. And, he said, well, just get her to poop and all is well. There was no getting a four year old who was scare of the pain of pooping to sit and poop. We went to a pedi-gastro-enterologist. His advice worked.

He said get her cleaned out with an enema. Then, he said, increase the dose of the laxative until she can't hold her poop, until she has to go. He instructed us to keep her at that level for a while because this disorder, or however you wish you refer to it, has two parts. There's the physiciological part, the pooper, you've got to get back in shape and working right. Getting her regular was the first step. Then, healing her emotionally was the next step. We succeeded in keeping her regular with the help of the laxative. Her fear of pooping and eating grew less and less. I think it took about a month to get back to normal potty routine after battling it for over a year.

We tried several times between the ages of five and six to wean her off the laxative. We reduced her dose and watched what she ate. Now, she's seven and doesn't take meds, but still suffers from constipation. We closely monitor her diet and she knows she has to eat lots of fruit and can't consume too much of foods that cause constipation.

I hope this helps.

Well, you have received a lot of encouragment but I will add my two cents:

I am a mom of four children who have had various "potty" experiences and to be perfectly honest, they have all turned out fine so far. Eventually they all train. I agree with you NOT to push Leta anymore for quite some time until she gets over the latest trauma. There are worse things in life than a child who isn't potty trained and it doesn't make you a bad mother but BOY a lot of people will make you feel bad about it!! Fact of life!!

Also I really like your home. Your daughter's room looks great and not like a dead child's room (what a horrible thing to say!) That letter was obviously written by a woman who feels guilty about the mess in her own home and has tried to convince herself that it is a better environment for her children. Your effort to organize and candid comments about the crappy toys that kids naturally love was inspiring to me. We can't afford designer toys so it comes down to finding a way to hide the Bratz and army men.

The rest of your home looks great too.

Don't let the boogers get you down.

I have already commented way way way at the top but I do want to say this :
Cathrine where are you ? Are you reading this?

Is your self judging hate mailing ass having second thoughts about your nasty email?
Are you going to be women and Mother enough to respond and ...oh I don'y know....SAY SORRY ?!
Highly unlikely.
What I do hope is that you realize that other parents and most importantly other non parents ( such as myslf) type intelligent,thoughtful and helpful emails on a regular basis. We do not write out jealously, hate,nasty, and self judging filled emails to a women who regularly has the guts and bravery to spill her heart out to all and everyone in the world who wishes to read it.
If you do not like what Heather writes and if you do not lik how she parents or how she decorates her house then .....BUGGER OFF ! DO NOT READ IT ! PISS OFF!
point taken ?
p.s highly unlikely that you will have th moral fortitude to answer for yourself
p.s.s Heather I think by the 900th comment you should feel self assured that you are doing a damn good job and you and john should be bloody proud of your little girl .
rant done

Why people can be so callous and mean I have no idea. and WHY they 'attempt' to disguise it as concern and helpfulness....ugh. It sometimes sickens me, the type of emails strangers think it's ok to send to people.

I think you're doing a great job. Only you know your child and what she's ready for. Besides, I really don't know any potty trained two year olds. My niece and my boyfriend's son were both 3 when they were potty trained and neither one of them went though the trauma that Leta has had to endure.

You're a good mother, from what I can tell. Don't listen to anyone telling you differently.

Okay, my three year old daughter, Grace, started using the potty full time at age two. Not because I 'trained' her, but because she's as particular and determined as Leta is and a complete hygiene freak to boot. Leta isn't a performing monkey to be trained against her will - she'll do it when SHE is ready, and that's the only way it can work. I love how so many mothers are quick to judge others but they'd throw a megabitchfit if they got challenged on all the ridiculous shit that you do. You're Leta's mother, Heather. Only you know what's right for your kid and fuck anyone who thinks you're doing a less than stellar job. Without meeting you, no less. Bitches.

Being the father of a 3 1/2 year old with similar problems, this post struck home. Our boy has had bad constipation since he's been born, despite trying every technique known to the world. My wife and I have decided to be patient and let our boy take care of business when he's ready.

Personally, I think judgment is the biggest problem we face as humans. Here you've got someone making an uninformed comment and telling you how to do things...gee thanks. Our society in particular is all about surface value...how things look. This happens because we are lazy and don't want to get the whole story...it's too easy to make a quick judgment.

When peeps do this stuff to me, I always have to remind myself...their comment is more about them than it is about me. Sounds to me like Catherine is trying to make herself feel better at your expense...you have a kid that's potty trained at 2, good for you. Your kid has a lifetime to look forward to with her Mom forcing her to do things...that sounds like fun.

I laughed, actually laughed, while reading Catherine's email. Catherine needs an enema herself to cure what ails her.

I looked at the 'sterile' pictures in question, and lo and behold I concluded that they were pictures of a home freshly cleaned not a hospital.

At the ripe old age of 2 and a HALF, my son was hospitalized for dehydration after a nasty bout of flu and we had to potty train him all over again. If you force potty training on children they'll just grow up to be uptight, sour, old, judgmental cows named Catherine. Po' po' Catherine.

Jon, Heather, Leta--chin up lil campers.

This Catherine woman needs to shove it. Honestly. I can't offer advice from a parent's perspective, as I'm still 16 (and not eager to be a teenage parent).

But, I can say that every kid is different and for your Leta, it's great that you realize that. Trying to force her to potty train before she demonstrates her willingness to do so would cause more harm than good. This woman lies when she says that potty training is the easiest thing to do. Just ask my mom. She did not have an easy time with it, and even afterwards, she struggled with me because I'd always wait until the last minute to let her know that I had to use the bathroom. And this was after diapers, so you can imagine the mess that it caused.

(And, for whatever it's worth, I like your house.)