Heather, my kids were not potty-trained until they were 3+ years old. Now they're 11 and 13 and no one has come around to the house with a sign for them to wear saying, "I was potty-trained late because my mother is an idiot."

It will happen and Leta will emerge unscathed, even through all the UTI and non-pooping horror of it all. Poor baby. :o(

It must really suck to have to get mail from concerned citizens like Catherine.

But think how much more it would suck to be her.

Karma will smite her someday.

You are not alone. Hope this is helpful--even a little. My daughter (who's 3 1/2) was the poop containing queen. I never thought butt cheeks that tiny could be so strong. We did everything--diet changes, laxatives, etc. But nothing worked consistently...except the mineral oil--1 teaspoon in the a.m. in her juice and one in the p.m. It made it just too slippery and her little buns of steel couldn't hold it in. After a couple of weeks-- since it no longer hurt and since we were no longer shoving things up her butt-- the anxiety around the whole thing just went away and she stopped trying to hold it. We don't have to give her anything anymore.

Regarding potty training: because of the whole constipation ordeal, we took the doctor's advice and didn't push it at all. Our daughter's third birthday came and went with her finding even the prettiest potties uninteresting. But then one day, she saw her best friend at the playground peeing on a cheep fold-out toddlers portable potty (it's like a little donut with stick legs and a plastic baggy hanging in the middle), and she just had to do it--and that was it. It went pretty quickly after that. Now our biggest issue is the half hour it takes her each morning to pick out her underpants.

Good luck.

The one thing I learned with my older daughter is that you cannot make someone sleep, eat or poop on command. You can suggest it, you can give them the tools to do it, you can threaten or punish or reward them for doing/not doing it but you cannot *make* them do it. Period.

We spent an entire year of her life trying to potty-train her, and as far as I'm concerned it was a wasted year because she ended up doing it when she was good and ready. Meanwhile, probably 85% of that year was spent fiddling with sticker charts, cleaning up messes (including the oh-so-charming "Naptime Sculpture With Poop"), and getting angry with her. What a waste of her toddler years!

I'm not making that same mistake with my second daughter. She's 2yo, doesn't have a lot of the signs of being ready, also enjoys witholding the poop, and is every bit as stubborn as her sister. She has a potty, she knows what it's for, on occasion she'll use it but the forcing stuff? Not happening here.

First things first, gentle hugs to you and Leta. When my son was 1 he had to have a catheter. He was at an age when he had few words -- only his screams of mommy mommy mommy and his tears and his big teary eyes -- I can't even imagine the pain you and Jon felt when your little girl, your loving, verbal, sweet little girl could look at you and express her pain in real words...too sad to think about.

Secondly, Oh sweet buttery Jesus, Catherine needs to get a grip. It is a priveledge to be let into your world though your blog. To step in and make judgements, chastising and hand slapping, it's just plain wrong and an abuse of the priviledge you grant.

You and Jon are good parents. My best to you all.
-jenjifer

First off, I want to say that you are doing the right thing. It needs to be when Leta is ready. My daughter was not fully potty trained until she was 6 years old. She just didn't want to take the time to stop what she was doing to go to the bathroom. I kept telling my mother-in-law that she wouldn't graduate from high school in diapers, and lo and behold, last June when she graduated, it was sans diapers!

Second of all, who the hell does that condescending *$!%! think she is. I am so sick of people who think it is their right to tell other people how to lead their lives, and how to raise their children. No body gave me an instruction manual with my three kids, and I did the best I could with the role models that I had, and believe me they were not the best. My philosphy was whatever my parents did, I did the opposite. They turned out pretty damn good if I say so myself, and we all survived their teens!

Keep doing what you're doing and what your heart tells you, and your young lady will graduate high school sans diapers!

Hang in there, Heather! When I go through times like this with my 4 yr. old daughter my mom always reminds me "this too shall pass." My daughter recently had 4 stomach viruses that involved (mostly) diarrhea and vomitting over the course of 6 weeks; therefore, she was terrified of using the bathroom for fear of diarrhea. Very similar to what Leta's going through. She actually told me, "Mama, I'm so tired of being sick, why do I have to be sick?" I know how hard it is to watch your little one suffer while you feel helpless. The only advice I can really offer is to just stay positive for Leta and always encourage her that she can use the bathroom and it will be ok. I spent at least 45 min. in the bathroom with my daughter one time trying to convince her to poop (that it was not diarrhea) and I swear she writhed in pain as bad as a woman giving birth to a baby. The good news is that she saw how nice it was to relieve herself and gradually started using the bathroom again instead of pacing around the house in circles all day trying to fight the urge to go (until the next stomach virus hit a few days later). Leta's an extremely smart girl from everything you've written about her, I have no doubt she will be potty trained when the time is right and eventually she will resume to her normal pottying habits. I know this sounds crazy but have you told her that you've gone through the same experience with constipation and enemas and how you're ok now? My daughter likes it when I relate my own previous illnesses with her own, I guess it makes her feel less alone, who knows? Just a suggestion...good luck! Thanks for writing about your life every day, you always give me a much needed laugh!

There's no point in rushing the potty training until Leta is ready. You'll only have to go through it again when she "forgets" or whatever it is that happens that makes a trained child suddenly not.

I feel so bad for her, it's hard enough going through that agony as an adult. At least when the doctor starts spewing out reasons for our pain we can pretend to understand them.

My son went through infantile dyspepsia. Personally, I thought it was colic, but I'm not the pediatrician, just his mother so I guess I'm not qualified. I did look it up and it made sense. The body hasn't figured out how to work the nerves, muscles and the system yet so in some case you have severe cramping and a lack of movements in infants. Hey, sounds a lot like IBD, how about that.

Have you and Jon talked to a doctor about the possiblity of her having Crohn's or Colitis? Dealing with u. colitis myself I know that can be treated, Crohn's is more severe.

I know there are kids out there who can be stubborn and hold it in (I have no idea why, it's like a nap you should do it while you can). But there's a difference between being able to hold it in and not being able to push it out.

I wish you guys the best of luck with her.

BTW, there isn't a thing wrong with Leta's room and any person with 1/2 a brain would know that it's not going to stay picked up. I could concrete the toys into the toy box and my 3 year old would find a way to make a mess. What's her name'll get over it. Really. She seemed like she needed to reassure herself that she wasn't screwing up her own kids.

Heather - for whatever it is worth, you have my support. I have a friend that is going through a similar situation with her son and it is tearing her up. I wish there was something I could say to that would really help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and especially Leta.

Thanks for making me laugh everyday, ok, except for today.

Well, hells bells. I had to delurk and I hate being forced to do somehting I don't like to do. Wait just a minute here?? Forced to do something I'm not ready to do. Hmm.

Weee, Catharine (because I know you are reading this) Don't you just feel all fuzzy and warm, like the as wipe you are! I mean, really, paint me purple and call me a grape... a catalog is where style derives from? Oh yeah, sweetheart, don't give yourself so much credit when you say "I go to work every day and he is trained on the potty." To pick this statement apart, I gather you work 7 days a week? Wow. Also, I gather that your son has pissed his pants so much that deep down, you're angry that you forced him for your bragging rights. Jealousy is the best form of flattery, hon.

Heather,
I really enjoy reading your blog. My favortie part of this post: "since I’m busy over here growing hair." I don't need to tell you that all kids are different because I know you're well aware of that. Hell, my kids (13, 9 and 6) were all ass-backwards from each other. My six year old and I are cancer survivors and after a combined 3 years of treatments and needing that sterile environment due to low blood counts, there's something to be said about a clean house. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Anywhoo. Your Leta is happy and that's all that matters.
Thanks for letting us have this glimpse into your world.

A Mom in Alabama.

First, I was purely envious that you had such a tidy house. That mom is full of head poop.

Second, keep working with your pediatrician about her poop and pee retending and work toward the goal of potty training for when Leta is ready. No one who is not her parent has the right to even utter a whisper of criticism in this regard. It is nobody's business but the little Dooce family.

That other mom will someday have teenagers and then she'll get her due.

Have you ever, in all your adult life, met another adult who was unable to use the toilet? Barring physical or mental disability, or severe drunkenness? I'm betting not, or else I've led an even more sheltered life than I thought.

This is why I don't stress out about when The Cheat gets potty trained. It would appear that, eventually, everyone gets tired of crapping their pants.

I hope you e-mailed Catherine back with a big picture of a finger and "GET BENT" in size 48 type.

I know that I am only one person, but (HUG) for you, for john and especially for leta. I am so sorry that she has to go through this and am also sorry you have to watch her suffer.

You ARE doing the right thing - you are doing what is right for your family and, more importantly, what is BEST for leta.

I wish you all the hugs in the world. This has got to be painful for all of you.

Both of my kids (3 years old and 1 year old) struggle with consitpation and while I've never had to do an enema, I have had to use over 3 containers of glycerin suppositories.

And my 3 year old is just not interested in potty training, either. And, Jesus, I am so tired of everyone asking when we are going to do it. Like I can make up her mind. You know what? I don't have the time or the energy to fight someone to go pee. She'll go when she's ready.

And that's just fine with me.

I think you guys are doing the right thing for Leta. Keep up the good work.

Wow! I'm speechless.

First, the comment about the dead child was the most insensitive, ignorant thing I have ever heard. She claims to be a clean person, but she only thinks that rooms should be cleaned when one dies. Why doesn't she make that comment to a grieving mother who knows the pain of losing a child? I have no words.

Second, I especially liked the comment about how you must be a stay at home mother since Leta is not potty-trained. That is definitely the trademark of a stay at home mom. :P She seemed especially proud of herself for going to work, here's a pat on the back for her. One day when her child will have no memory of getting off the schoolbus and having his mother eagerly waiting for him to ask how his day was....he won't care because he was potty trained early! ...And really, isn't that all that matters?

But most importantly, I am so sorry that as a mother you have to watch your child endure such pain. And I am especially sorry that Leta, at such a young age, must experience this. I hope that you all can find a solution to this soon!

Hey there Heather, I'm not sure what to tell you about getting Leta over her (very understandable) fear of pottying, but I have an idea for the pooping issue. Now, I'm not saying you should only feed her a vegetarian diet, but in the five or six months since I gave up meat, well, let's just say that I didn't know that human beings could make so much poop. I'm still all like, "What? Again??!"

Actually, there's a real reason for this: I've been eating a lot more whole grains. I get whole grain bread from the bakery section at the store (instead of the bread asile), I eat steel-cut oatmeal, and lots fiberous stuff. I don't know too much about kids, little girls especially, but I wonder if by adding more whole grain stuff to her diet whether you could cash in on this pooping miracle cure?

(I seem to recall you once writing about those people who refuse to do #2 at work or school. I used to be one of those people. Not anymore. Trust me, it works.)

I thought your rooms looked lovely and very organized. I felt envy at your neatness and I must admit I wondered how quickly it would be messed up. I know I would not be able to keep our rooms that perfect. Unless, I just sat and read a book and touched nothing - ever.

As for potty training and related issues I feel for you and Leta. My son had some bedwetting issues for years and years. I always took him for annual check-ups and finally a doctor discovered that his pee hole was to small. Apparently this can happen. My son had to have a surgery (meatotomy) to enlarge the hole and this fixed his problem. I doubt Leta will be twenty years old and wearing a diaper so who cares when she gets "trained". Eventually she'll be ready and you're a great mom to recognize that.

I have had to hold a child through a spinal tap (checking for meningitis) and know how heartbreaking it is to have to subject your own child to these things. As a parent you feel so helpless during these times.

Wow! Who knew cleanliness made you a bad parent?

Note to self: Cleaning is bad, convince rest of family.

Holy hell Heather. You should not have to defend yourself or Leta. It's none of anyone's damn business.

My daughter had similar problems and you know what helped? Warm water with fresh lemon juice first thing in the morning. It REALLY stimulates the poo-ha. We gave it a special name - you can call it "lemonade" or whatever.

Read about it. Apparently it has some sort of antibacterial properties that are good for the colon too, so that will help with the "holding it in".

If that doesn't work, just know that she'll grow out of it. If she only goes in her sleep, then there it is. One of many battles - hang in there.

This too shall pass. And be replaced by some other bullshit.

First of all, what I've seen of your home is beautiful and I love your style. As for the potty training...I'm in the process of doing just that with my 2 year old son right now and he's got the pee part down but he refuses to poo on the potty. I've been asking other mommies for advice and I'm pleasantly surprised at the support I've gotten. General consensus seems to be that some kids are just ready for it sooner than others and that you can't force it. I read that the average age now for potty training is between 18 and 60 months with 30 months being most common. The big thing where I live is "child driven" training...meaning parents wait for the kid to be ready so it apparently isn't odd (from what I'm hearing) for kids to not be trained until they are almost 4. I think we all agree that Leta Driven Potty Training will be your default approach (because she will give you no other option). Right now it is most important to just get her through her fear of going potty....who the hell cares if she still wears a diaper?

Sigh.
You know you can't let these people get the best of you. Realistically people that have time to sit around and criticize other parents really have too much time on their hands. Just because they got their kid potty trained at 2 doesn't mean he or she won't commit burglary at age 12. Or maybe their kid REALLY is a genius and a study will show that early potty trainers are more likely to go to Harvard.
I was the mom that insisted she would have her child potty trained early, that I wouldn't be the mom with a three year old using diapers.
Karma certainly bitchslapped me on that one! Being a sanctimommy NEVER pays.

Heather,

Catherine is a robot. As a human mother who has survived potty training, I spotted her right away.

Remember what it was like to be pregnant? And then to give actual birth, out of your actual vagina? And remember when Leta became a willfull toddler with her own opinions and ideas and tried to explode the world with her mind? And remember the thing with the sewer? And that time those people sued you?

POTTY TRAINING SUCKS MORE.

Never, ever do it. My second son is going to have to potty train himself whenever he gets ready. I might make him wait until he moves out.

heather,
i haven't read your posts in a while, i have to admit. i have come here after a very long time and i always enjoy your posts.
it's strange how we all think that our problems and our issues are the biggest at times. i have so much going on in my life at the moment...but the only difference is that...thats my own life.
if it was my childs life, and i had to see him or her go through the pain, i dont know if id be able to handle it.
my hearts going out for you and your daughter. i'll pray for her, and i hope that she feels better soon and you find a doctor who can help you with her problems.
i'm not good with the advice, especially medical advice, so i wont even try.
takecare of yourself,
God Bless.

hey heather...so you have no idea who i am and it's a little weird for me to be saying this, but i love you. not in a psycho-stalker i have collages of you all over my bedroom kind of way, but in an appreciative and grateful way because you are real, human, honest, and that is so rare, and so wonderful. i feel deeply for you and your family and am sorry to hear about leta's recent potty troubles and horrible catheter experience. i also just wanted to tell you that if i ever meet catherine face to face...it won't be good for anyone involved. so glad to see that you can shrug such assholes off and realize that there are so many of us who love reading about your daily life because it helps us survive our own and encourages us to poke fun at the continuing chaos of being. lots of love to you, john and little leta. sincerely, kate

Actually, I loved the photos of Leta's room, as well as your previous ones. I was even going to email to thank you for all the links. I've found some great items through them that will be wonderful for my kids. Also, since I've been doing a lot of clutter reducing and rearranging myself over the past year I thought it was funny to see your after pictures--know the impulse as I've taken photos of each room to send to my mom so she can see what I've done. Love your taste.

As for potty training, I've been very relaxed about it with my kids, as each is ready at a different time. It seems that especially with a headstrong child it would be a big mistake to make that an issue. The one thing that really helped push them through the final hurdle though was that I bought the Prudence potty training book to read to them and the video for them to watch, and that way they could see that it is something every child struggles with. When they asked to watch it and read the books, I knew they were thinking about it. They were both older than 3.

I had to get a urine sample from one daughter in diapers--absolute hell. You have my total and complete sympathy. Good luck.

My heart bleeds for Leta when I read this. The poor child. But this too will pass...

The most important thing my mother said when I was expecting twins - as a f/t working mum going through a divorce and as such 'an easy target'-

"Never listen to other mothers unless they say something nice. Let them screw up their own children."

Thanks Mum, it has made my life so much easier.

Your post made me cry. Not only because I am on my third Rx of crazy pills (my loving name for anti-depressants), but because it made my heart hurt.

Having to hold your child down and "hurt" her for her own good. Oh My Goodness. I can't imagine the agony that causes.

I second the poster above (of the two-ish that I read) that Lita will *probably* not remember. She will remember that she loves you and the things that you did were for her benefit.

I am so sorry. There will always, always, always be people that feel they have the right (or even duty) to give you their opinion on how to __________

Just ignore those assholes. I thought your house was lovely and I wish mine were as clean. I live in a huge monstrosity that was built in 1979 with no character (okay, a little character) what so ever.

Just keep on keeping on. Jon sounds like a darling and you have a great family that loves and supports you, even if they don't fully understand you.

There are even anonymous people leaving gifts on your driveway.

Post the email addresses of any asses that send you posts and we will happily deluge them with lots of emails while you continue to lovingly take care of you family.

Hugs and Kisses to you all.

Brenda

Oh lord, that broad must be having a bad day!!!(she must be living somewhere cold and snowy) I bet she's reading ALL of the comments and deep down continues to worship you!!

one word.

sanctimommy.

Sorry about poor Leta. Sending good and happy poo poo vibes.

I think your house is lovely.

1. I Love your house. You have great style and you are so organized, I am jealous.

2. I read somewhere once, to put things in perspective...that if you are in a tough situation to just remember that in 10 years you won't be in that same situation anymore (at least there is a good chance you won't be). So there is a great chance that 10 years from now Leta will be potty trained ;)

3. My heart goes out to you and Jon and Leta. I am a new mom to a 3 month old and he got a little congested the other day. His frustration at not being able to breathe through his nose broke my heart, I can't imagine going through that catheter situation.

4. I Love reading your blog, sorry you have to deal with such hateful people.

First of all, Heather, I had my first "Dooce" dream last night, and I keep meaning to e-mail it to you to add to your collection. In it you and your husband attacked me in the woods with video cameras.

As for the pooping/peeing thing, the great thing about being a parent is that everyone, absolutely everyone agrees that all your decisions are wrong. My son was potty trained because he ended up going to daycare and the other kids were getting potty trained. Thank G/god. I mean, they tell you not to fight it, but at home it was as if we were asking him to peel back his skin and rip out his eyelashes everytime we tried to get him to go potty. I still send the teacher that potty trained him Christmas cards, bless her, and I'm damn grateful.

The whole UTI issue is so extremely traumatic...I just had to have my baby checked when she was 6 months old. It was awful. I cried all the way home.

However, the whole scene reminds me of when the doctor checked my son's penis and pulled his foreskin wayyyy back. Really far back. My husband took him and according to Ben, she pulled his penis back behind his ears. Anyway, his penis was sore and so he refused to pee for 36 hours. He was in so much pain he nearly passed out at the Zoo easter egg hunt, and when he was finally pain free he screamed joyously (in a restaurant) "I can pee, mama! I can pee!" It's actually one of my favorite posts. I really don't want to use this to make a bid for my blog but if you want to read it, it's here -- http://misheru.com/archives/2006/04/22/holding-it/

Ah, reading it over I realized I may have exaggerated slightly. He held it for 14 hours without an accident and peed on the floor twice (once at a friend's house) previous to that.

I was not exaggerating about the attacking cameras. You also cried while making tacos stuffed with french fries because I suggested beans might be a better choice.

Um, yeah, what everyone else said.

Honestly, are you even reading the comments down here at near number 400?

Anyway, if you are, here's my two cents' worth.

I have two boys, 3 and 6. The 6-year-old basically potty-trained himself a few months before he turned three. I HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. My 3-year-old -- well, actually he's three and a half -- has no interest in using the potty whatsoever to this day. He says, "Charlie don't wanna go potty." How am I going to argue with that?

When anyone (and by 'anyone' I mean my mother) says "Why don't you have him potty-trained yet?" I kindly tell 'anyone' to go fuck themselves (seriously, I do! and, miraculously, 'anyone' continues to ask! go figure!).

So, if encouragement is what you need, then that's what you'll get. You've got mine. Try not to stress about Leta and her bowel functions. She'll use the potty when she's damn good and ready. And more power to her for it.

It seems silly to comment down here at 360plus yet I am compelled.
I really heard how traumatic this was for all of you. I can't imagine having to hold her down for that, it made me cry to wonder how sad and horrible you both must be feeling after all that. Let her talk about it all she wants and just validate what you hear her say, don't try to explain anything.
Mama to 4 here and wanted to share that one of my daughters had similiar issues. The things that worked were no dairy, fiber bears and craniosacral treatments did the trick. Also completely ignoring it, letting her go any way she wants and making no big deal out of it at all. Not good, not bad just is. I promise she won't go in a diaper forever! Your gut is right just lots of love adn doing whatever makes it easier for her.

this is so late in the day in response, and i'm sorry if anyone has said the same thing as me. but what really really has annoyed me is that it's like you've been forced to explain yourself and leta to a bunch of moms with technically perfect hair. what gits! just because they have it all sussed doesn't make them a better mother than any other.

why is it that people don't realise that as the owner of your blog you choose what goes up there and what doesn't, and while there are some unanswered questions (obviously for some there could be nothing more important in the world right now than finding out about little leta's pooping habits) people should respect that if you were going to blog about leta's potty training you would have by now, and if you haven't, you've decided not to. that simple, surely!

Seriously, this Catherine woman? Frack her and the anal retentive pony she rode in on.

I don't have kids, but if I did, I don't think I'd ever be brave enough to watch them go through what Leta's endured, let alone participate in it -- even if it was for the best. You and Jon are doing a hell of a job, and unfortunately you receive extra scrutiny because you discuss your lives openly and honestly...which is more than most of us can say. Judging by the comments, most of us are with ya. Sending hugs your way, and general "go back to the rock from under whence you came" vibes to your lovely emailer.

There is a word for Catherine. One which I'm too polite to type. She does, however, seem to posess an astounding gift.
She can see the sterility with her eyes.
Because, if you sprayed the house with anthrax it would suddenly look dirty. Filthy, even.

And everybody knows... that just by putting toys away in boxes and clearing the countertops you can guarantee a safe and germ free existence.

Heather, you have a beautiful home from what I've seen. I was desperately coveting most of the contents of Leta's room.

Shame on you for not furnishing your house out of a catalog. Further shame for developing a sense of style that looks far better than any Kmart catalog I've ever seen.

Heather... you rock.
Catherine... I wish you a long bout of constipation.

Wow, such a condescending and mean-spirited email that woman wrote you. Shame on her.

All in good time. Leta won't be in diapers forever. When my daughter was three years old we found out that her urethra was too narrow and she had to have a procedure done to stretch it. I remember when she was in the hospital and they had to do a catheter so I know what you and Jon went through. It was heart wrenching.

I read some of the suggestions here and I think the cranberry juice was a good one and also allowing her to see you go pee. Another thing that I remember made my daughter excited about succeeding at going in the potty was the fact that she would get to wear "grown up" panties. We picked out cute new panties and she was excited about getting to wear them. I am sure they have some with Elmo on them too.

Your house is lovely, btw. I wish I had your decorating skills.

The way I see it, you're giving Leta what she needs: love and cuddles and endless support. If some of that support currently comes in the form of diapers, lovely Catherine just really needs to remove that stick from her bum. Wonderful Leta is lucky to have great parents like you and Jon; great parents who are doing a fantastic job. I don't see Catherine's children being "awwww"ed at from all over the Internet yet, do you?

Who died to make her Jo Frost, anyway?

One other term that comes to mind is "projection."

the cruelty of others astounds me sometimes. that woman working full time had other train her child to potty - professionals. now she's taking credit for the 1 hour she spends with her kid?

i looked at those pictures and thought 'how beautiful', please don't let her steal that from you.

i feel your pain, this stage of parenting is boot camp for the rest of life. i will be holding you all in the light as you navigate this part of your path.

I don't know what NMA is, never want to, and I know my luck now... Thank you, poor Heather...

That woman Catherine ? She is totally sick with frustration and envy (uuuh that's baaaad), and I am really sorry for her sons. Because they never chose to have her as their mother.

Potty training ? Impressed at how it can become an issue. While I am quite disgusted with myself at not making the effort to use washable diapers - I will, soon ! - we're not very interested in "training" our 2 year and a half daughter. When it's summer, of course, but winter has ruled this option out.

We never talked much of the little throne, explained what it was when we found it a year ago, and left it there, waiting in the bathroom just in case. Instead, she'd rather go to the toilet herself, to be "grande", like us, but... we couldn't be bothered. When we were at my mother's below the Tropics last month, it was easy to let mademoiselle go about naked, and do what she has to do when she feels like it, in her potty, after some experimental poo scattering all over the garden. And the occasional omission.

There are two different things however : being able to control emissions, and being able to leave them somewhere specific.

Obviously with Leta the issue is retention. I don't mean to be offensive but isn't this psychoanalytic ground ? How about the company of other children her age ? Can she get that ? She could see it's ok to grow up, with friends, it's stimulating in a way no parent however dedicated can be.

About working at home... I am truly impressed by how much you get done with a toddler at home. Writing (tons !), photographs, cleaning the house (!!!), and taking care of Leta, even if you're not alone !... My daughter goes to kindergarten 6 hours a day, and I can't do half as much (oh, and she's another force of nature...)!

And fiber, not sure it's such a good idea... I must say I am startled by the described use of laxative on a daily basis, I understand it's a last choice solution, but still... how about eating fresh fruits everyday ? Ah... yeah... the liquorice... I guess that explains a lot. I mean her special diet... Too bad... There's nothing like a fresh papaya to make you feel like it's time to go !

I know you don't need advice, so please acknowledge my warmest and most considerate sympathy, Armstrong. May your dear family grow out of these devouring worries soon.

Hi Heather. I read your site regularly but have never commented as you get so many comments I suppose I felt that anything I had to say had probably already been said by somebody. Today, though, I had to say something even if it is repeating what others are saying as I was just appalled and saddened, first by the bile-filled email that you received and then by poor Leta's problems that are causing you all so much worry (and her pain and discomfort). When I started to read the email sent, my first reaction was how wrong she was about Leta's room. When I had seen the photos, my instant reaction was how adorable and warm her room looked (and yes, I was impressed it was tidy!). But as I read on, I realised that her judgements were much worse than just an internal design critique. I am sorry that you are going through this with Leta. I hope for her sake and yours that it is something that will work itself out soon. I am also grateful that you share your world here on your blog, even though it opens you up to the sort of unsolicited 'advice'. Sorry for the essay - I get wordy when I am fired up!

i hate catherine.

when i read this entry it made me wonder if you and Leta share a hereditary condition. Whaleshaman may be onto something.

congrats on your diapering skillz. i'm still working on diapering while daughter stands--so far i have to grab her shirt with my teeth to prevent her from running away--is that legal in calf roping and diapering, anyway?

Hey Heather,

I've been reading your blog for a while(try since before you had Leta)now and have decided to delurk. I think you're doing the very best for your kid. Parenting isn't easy at all. Also, your home is lovely, so FEH to Catherine. FEH, I say!

Admitting that I have not read most of the comments (300+? Who really has the time?) and that therefore I am probably repeating ad nauseam what others have said, I'd like to say this:

1. I feel extremely sad for you that you (and Leta) had to suffer through the catheterisation. It's painful to have done as an adult, I can only imagine how poor Leta felt, and how you felt there with her. I suffered the same sort of thing in miniature when my eldest had to have an IV drip inserted and oh but it hurts when your child is panicked and terrified and in pain. So all my sympathies on that.

2. What IS all this emphasis on early toilet training in the US? Yes, I said EARLY - here in Australia we are being told by our district nurses / drs to hold off with most kids until they are minimum 2.5 years, usually 3 or more, and if there are excretary or urinary problems, LONGER. There is a wealth of research now about how older toilet training leads to a more secure, quicker and less stressful process for everyone involved. I have 2 girls and the oldest, now 3 years 6 months, started toilet training at 2 years 9 months because she was good and ready and had perfect digestion (still does) - she was fully and trauma-lessly trained at 2 years 10 months. Waiting is good, not bad. Rushing is very, very bad, and doesn't in any case work (much as you can't force them to eat, really).

3. Re the fear of toileting - my friend's son had almost the exact scenario you have - chronic constipation, eventual UTI from dirty nappy, then fear of weeing as well as pooping, although mercifully without the catheter (they were able to persuade him to stand over a bucket while watching a DVD and drinking a milkshake to get the sample). He is now 4 and a half and it is resolved and he is well toilet trained. Here is what she did, on the advice of a child therapist, and it worked:
a) Placed no pressure, emphasis or stress on toileting, either verbal, physical or social
b) Administered daily high-dose laxatives and high-fibre, high-water diet to reduce the physical symptoms
c) Did lots of talk and play about how the body works and how it needs to get rid of its waste to feel good - never specifically tying it back to the child
d) Provided emotional and physical support for the actual process, talking in low soothing voice, saying comforting things etc
And here is the kicker...
e) Encouraged sitting on the potty for extended periods, no pressure to do anything, just being there. Watching TV or whatever. With nappy on if preferred. The reason being that some (many?) children actually find the seated position makes their pooping easier once they get over the fear of it.
It did work for her kid, although it took time (3 months maybe). He was very severely frightened before though so maybe it's worth a shot.

Anyway, enough from me. I truly hope you get it resolved Heather and that you continue to treat people such as Catherine with ALL the respect they deserve ;-)

Bleh. The sooner women like that die or lose their arms, the better off we'll all be. I don't think the woman that spawns realizes just how fragile the balance in a child's life can be.

I've been working on potty-training my firstborn, just a year older than Leta, since about 18 months. He's four now and still has to wear pull-ups. He had been all but done with potty-training about four months ago. But four months ago, my job changed from where I could pick him up from daycare myself to where he doesn't see me for more than an hour a day. Split shifts suck...anyway, he regressed because of this. He started wetting himself at all times of the day. Some of it was willful, some of it not, but it's just something we have to deal with because my job isn't changing again anytime soon.

You know what you're doing...screw those who don't think so.

Heather, I know that my comment is like #385 and I'm sure you are tired of reading comments, so I'm not sure if this will help encourage you or not. I haven’t commented before, but I was so upset about that lady’s mean email and your tough situation with Leta that I thought I’d finally add something.

I discovered your blog via google nearly a year ago because my 2 year old niece Olivia was struggling with constipation. My sister needed some encouragement that she wasn’t alone since they too felt helpless watching their little girl struggle to hold in her poo until her little tummy hurt so much. It was so sad! We found some of your past posts about Leta to be eerily similar to Olivia’s experiences. We laughed and cried along with you.

Regarding today's post, the 384 people ahead of me have probably exhausted the advice available on this topic, so I will refrain. If nothing else, maybe you’ll find encouragement in the numbers and the stories saying that you aren’t alone. I do hope and pray that your situation will be sorted out soon and without more pain and agony. Poor Leta, poor you and Jon. Hang in there!

PS I read your blog regularly; it's so refreshing!

I am sorry a comment from a typical judgemental mother brought you to the point of feeling like you had to justify yourself. Its not bad that you did especially since it seems many of the comments so far are helpful in at least saying you are not alone, but I hate that women make other women feel like there is always something to justify in our lives. Having said that, your story brought tears to my eyes and promted me to comment here for the first time (though I've been reading for almost a year). I am the mother of a 13 month old little girl I had to hold down for a regular well checkup visit and cried right along with her through it, to discover that Leta has this daily struggle is heartbreaking. I truly hope things take a turn for the better for you and Miss Leta soon. She is a beautiful and obviously intelligent little girl (you'd have to be a smarty to know to hold your pee).

Geez... that sucks. I pretty much went through what you're going through, except it was split between my two older kids. My daughter WOULD. NOT. POTTY TRAIN! and was getting close to three years old. I wasn't too concerned about it, since I was already changing an infant's diapers, I might as well change hers, too. Then she started showing signs of a UTI, so I took her to the doctor, and they catheterized her for a sample (she didn't fight it though, because my kid weirdly loves doctors, hospitals, and medical procedures), and she started using the potty that night by her own choice. My older son was in diapers until nearly 4, and fighting making poop on the toilet (preferring his underwear, due to leakage from severe constipation-- I have an X-ray souvenir from his ER visit during a trip to Disney World). His doctor prescribed Miralax to draw water where it was needed (the poop...), and it helped him become more regular (still not completely out of the woods at age 7, but mostly regular). Now, my third child (he's three) has been watching and learning, and asked for a potty for Christmas, and actually completely potty trained himself on Christmas Day. Strange kid. Anyway, my point is, they all learn eventually, despite our "help." Don't let the haters get you down. Leta will get it when she's ready.

ARGH! Why are people such pricks?

I am a recent discoverer of your blog. I was so moved today by your post I have to immediately respond. Damn the laundry – it will have to wait!

I swear this post has given me flashbacks… but first I want to say that the e-mail you quoted made me sick. If there is one thing I have learned from parenting it is “Keep you mouth shut about other people’s parenting decisions.”

Parenting is the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. Before I had kids I was full of ideas. Ideas about things I would never do, or never let my kids do. Guess what, now that my daughter is 8, those are long gone. Long, long gone. I used to say, for example, “I would never let my child do X.’ Well, I have since been forced, by pain and suffering to let her do X, Y, Z and we looped around into AA, and BB. Those rules just did not fit the amazing child I got.

Parenting has kicked my butt. But I do think something good has come out of it. It has made me humble. It has given me compassion and empathy. It has made me realize all children are not the same. They are unique and quirky and heart-wrenchingly beautiful, each in his or her own way. Perhaps each child’s parents might know their child best. Certainly better than I, who has only seen them screaming and biting a shopping cart at the grocery.

We too went through the constipation deal. Only 2 or 3 enimas were necessary, but it was enough to know that I never, ever would wish it on anyone else. When the child who trusts you completely looks at you in such horror because you are hurting them – that sucks more that I can express.

On the positive side, our daughter is now well past this. It will get better. It took a good year of stickers on a chart, and the purchase of every Kelly doll and Kelly doll accessory Toys-R-Us had in stock as rewards, but she finally stopped being scared to go. But to this day, when I hear her in the bathroom having a good poop, I rejoice at my good fortune. Yes, she just goes in there herself. It’s unbelievable! She has even stopped telling me that she has gone. But I secretly try to keep track, just in case!

Hi Heather - So sorry to read your plight - and it makes me so angry when people make sweeping judgements based on their own festering doo doo, rather than informed and factual information.

Anyway - I was going to email you as I have some well researched nutritional suggestions which I felt the urge to share with you:

1. Infants acidophillus is fantastic for balancing gut flora aiding healthy poop, which may be relative to Leta. Its tasteless, powder form so you can sprinkle
in food/drinks and she would not know (biocare do a good one).

2. Avoid sugary foods (ha - good luck!)

3. You can also add omega oil 3,6,9 to food (kids version) which is fabulous for inflammation, mood, and helps with digestion and cell growth.

I could point out the negative about OTC laxatives, but dont want to criticise. As a mother, I understand the desire to give the nearest thing to make them feel better.

Balls to other people's opinions, you know whats best for your daughter.In your own time.Personally I had a huge block with p.training and put it off until he was last in his class. But has it harmed him? NOOOOOOO.

Thanks Heather.

My daughter, Petra is 3 1/2 years old and still sleeps with me every night. So many of my friends and family (much less strangers) comment on how she's too old to still be in my bed, how we'll never get her out (which I doubt because seriously, how many 13-year old girls still sleep with their parents) and how we are horrid parents for allowing such indulgent behavior.

I especially appreciate the helpful feedback I receive from acquaintances who know nothing about P's history (i.e., the fact that she was sick--really sick--her first 2 1/2 years of life; that she's been hospitalized more times during the course of her very young two years than most people will be their entire lives; and that her only comfort at night STILL is her mommy's hair.

For those folks, I simply smile, thank them for their feedback, turn my back and wish upon them a pox.

Hey Dooce,

I have been shadowing for a while and never left a comment. I went through the trouble of signing in today, not because I have some super mother advice. Sorry, I wish I did, but I signed in today to say that it sounds like you struck a cord with that woman. Somehow your ability to live the life you live and still have such a beautiful uncluttered home deeply threatened her underdeveloped existence and sense of self. You did way more than she deserved by giving an explanation about Leta. I think both you and Jon sound like loving, intelligent and nurturing parents.

I often read your blog and I really enjoy it - so thanks.
As to toilet training. I have four children myself - so I have toilet trained them all - finally.

The youngest will be four in April and he has only been trained since October. I waited long enough that I just had to take the diapers away and we were done. It helps that he runs around naked most of the day too!

Leta will train when she is ready, and you truly are the best judge of when that is. IMHO you really don't want to turn this into a kicking and screaming battle. It will only make it worse - so stay your course , look for the signs of readiness, let her see others go to the bathroom, hang out with toilet trained kids if you can. Eventually it will happen. Good luck!!

It still continues to amaze me that a complete stranger can be so up in your biz. And why do women have to be such haters toward one another?
My son is almost 3 and he potty trained himself at one month. In the hospital. While in the incubator, taking oxygen.
WTF?
Who cares when it happens? I'll just be glad he's out of diapers before he goes to kindergarten.

My heart goes out to you. Knowing this phase will be a distant memory one day can't be of much help in the here and now - but I admire you and your courage in sharing this.

Well - I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you .. but wanted to say that I think the fact that you found her UTI will make things much better of course .. you know that! As an old saying goes .. we never see kids in kindergarten in diapers, so give it time, she will definately let you know when it is time Heather.

When you showed those pictures of Leta's room, I seriously thought that was one of the most beautiful little girls rooms I have EVER seen. From a mom of a five yr old boy that has a tough time keeping his room tidy I thought her room was very thoughtfully decorated, beautifully organized, with meaningfull artwork etc .. and I thought to myself what a lucky girl Leta is to have you as a mom!! I think your decorating skills are awesome.

Sarah

And cranberry juice is GREAT for UTI’s! It's the ascorbic acid.

I don't know why you even bother to read and respond to comments that are so rude and jugdmental. You know what's best for Leta, you are her mother afterall. Just think of how blessed Leta is to have someone as open-minded as you are. What if she had this woman as a mother? Someone who thinks that all children are the same and should be treated as such. I wonder how far this person would go trying to make Leta conform to her ideals. Or when she would hit the breaking point and realize that there are exceptions and every child is different. It seems that your approach is working for you and Leta. She's a happy, loving child. So, keep doing what you're doing, with the exception of reading and responding to bad comments. Stop doing that right away!

Mother's who belittle you over potty training while lauding themselves are the same moms who are breast-feeding their twelve-year-old at Ryan's Family Style Buffet. And I liked your house actually. I live with 3 other 24-year-olds and I can only hope to wake up to a room that's "sterile". Of course with all the alcohol spilled on the furniture things are 1800's surgery ready.

Before Leta is potty trained i wish that she could leave a big turd on Catherine's stylish carpet.

Hi Heather,
I can't believe the nerve of that woman!! Good for you until waiting until Leta is ready to be potty trained. I think that is the best thing a parent can do in that process - wait for their child to show they are ready. I definitely know where Leta is coming from in being scared to pee. I had my first UTI last October and even though I am 28 and had read up on the symptoms and knew what to expect it was still scary to be in so much pain and (to leap WAY over the boundaries of what's socially appropriate) to pee blood. I still get nervous when I pee sometimes, afraid that the pain and fever will be back. I think that forcing Leta to start potty training now would be disastrous. You are such a good mom for being sensitive to her needs and allowing her to go at her own pace. She will be potty trained eventually and I bet it will go that much more smoothly because you waited until she was ready. Try not to worry about what gloomy gusses say - you have a sweet, smart, lovely daughter who is so clearly loved and well taken care of. So, go give her a hug, have John give you a hug and treat yourself to some Doritos and Maker's Mark. You deserve it!!!

A friend of mine was having similar issues with his daughter, and for health reasons could not pottty train her until she was four and a half, and she still has issues.

My stepson was three and a half when he finally showed some interest in learning.

People, like lovely Mizzzz Catherine are petty, unhappy and sociopathic. Who takes the time to write nasty emails to strangers?

Loser.

I'm not going to read 400 comments to make sure I'm not saying something everyone else has already said. So I'll just, most likely, repeat nothing new.

Every child is different. And you have, quite obviously, done such a wonderful job with Leta. From what we hear from you, she is a remarkable little girl. It sounds like what you've had to go through with the cathedar and the enemas is just awful, really difficult for any parent to have to put their child in a situation where they are unhappy, even when you do know that you are doing it for their benefit. I'm so sorry you had to do that.

I think children let you know when they are ready to be potty trained so don't push her in to it. Sounds like you have enough bathroom issues to deal with without throwing another one on top just for shits and giggles.

As for the refusal to pee except in her sleep? Hopefully time and maybe a little positive reinforcment will take care of that one. When my parents wanted my sister to stop sucking her thumb, they made this poster and covered it with balloons that they had put little prizes inside of and then inflated. For every day that my sister didn't suck her thumb, she got to pop a balloon and keep the little prize. At the end of a month she got to go to the toy store and get something kind of big. (Oddly...she wanted a Snoopy electric toothbrush). But they made it like a game. Maybe something along those lines would help?

Good luck.

Chick, I love your style. This Catherine needs to chill out. I sit here looking at dooce.com everyday, and I see those pictures and I wish my house looked that well put together. I keep my house very clean too, but it looks very boring and lacks character. Catherine, I'm glad your house works for your family. Heather's home works for her family... and.... my boring, characterless home works for ours. So, you know, SUCK IT.

As for potty training... first off, I hope Leta feels better soon. That's a lot of trauma for one little girl. We had to collect a urine sample from my daughter when she was year old via catherter. IT WAS AWFUL. Poor baby. Fortunatley, they also put her on an IV later that day, so she forgot all about the catheter. She had pneumonia. Ick. Anyway, here's what I think about potty training: What is the mad rush to chase after a child with a teacup bladder and no diaper? Diapers are GREAT! My mom, who used to work as a social worker in a pediatric ward and has a masters in child psychology puts it this way: even retarded children learn to use the potty during their toddler years. If your child has normal intelligence, you have nothing to worry about. If your kid gets at 2 years, great. If not, so what? They'll get it eventually.

You're doing a great job as a mommy. And Catherine is a lucky girl to have such a "perfect" home and "perfect" 2 year old.

My son was born two months before Leta. We're just now finishing up with potty training, and that's without any big traumas. I tried to actively encourage pottying over the summer, with a resounding lack of interest. Last month, *bink* he decided to do it. He got moved into the next-older class at his preschool (where everyone else is PT'd) and that was apparently all it took.

Couple thoughts:
-Since you're home with backup, why not let Leta run around bottomless/in big-girl underpants? It'd let her know what bodily functions are associated with which sensations. I doubt she'll mind going without pants, and you'll avoid cross-contamination that could lead to more UTIs.
-Kids'N'Pets. Target sells it (with the floor cleaning stuff), and it'll be your best friend during the process.
-If she does get another UTI, get a cup of warm water and pour it over her parts while she pees. I remember my mom doing that for me when I was little, and it helps.
-Being around her peer group more might help with willingness to use the potty.
Good luck!

Hi Heather
I went through the same thing at the hospital when my daughter was two w/ having to hold her down, etc, They ended up have to strap her in to this board to keep her contained. And then,a old doctor came in to locate a vein in her arm, and couldnt find one, making everything far worse. As she had frequent UTI's what kept them from recurring is to keep her on a low dose antibiotic. Also for Potty training what worked for all my daughters was to use stickers (Elmo, Barney)after they would go, or to promote - which they liked to stick on the potty chair afterwards. Good Luck with everything!

Who the hell decided kids had to have agendas ?

You know your kid better than anyone ; listen to your own instinc. Leta seems to be a very bright little girl ; she'll let you know when she's ready.

Potty - One Child's Story

I don't have children but my little sister is ten years younger, and was the most adorable, spoilt child. To put it in perspective we carried her out of bed in the morning and made her tea and toast [her special way] every morning until she was about 11! [she was also breastfed until she was 5 - imagine the comments my mum got]. Anyway...

Her potty training was ran v smoothly at first, however it took about 12 months to move from potty [the little cute plastic portable version] to the toilet. She realised quite quickly that it is so damn convenient to have a house full of people that would rush to bring potty to you! So her favourite TV show didn't need to be interuppted and she would just holler for potty.

I hope all of Catherine's attempts to display her own superiority don't end so dismally - that would be disastrous for her self-esteem.

Oh my little sister has fortunately got over her motivational issues and just got into vet science at university.

Love your blog & photos.
s

Wow. I'd like to have Catherine over for lunch. I'm sure she can tell me everything I'm doing wrong. And remind me that her children are more perfect than mine.

Poor Leta and the potty!

I have 2 things to share:

1. I have a 4yo daughter who took 18 mos to potty train. She was great about peeing on the potty, but absolutely refused to do #2 unless it was in her pullup. We used sticker charts, m&m's, bribes, you name it (my husbands once offered her a pony!) but she refused. On Christmas Day this year, 1 week after turning 4, she dicided "today is the day" and did it. (This is the same hild who refused to nurse for 4 months as a newborn, on principle. I can't wait until she's a teenager).

2. My good friend has a 4yo daughter who refuses to go at all: like Leta, but withiout the traumatic UTI creating fear. This kid will hold her pee for days, and will poop maybe once a week. Her parents have tried putting mineral oil or Karo syrup (pedi's recommendation) in her drinks, but she can tell when it's in there and won't drink. They have been seeing a pediatric urologist and are finally having some success. Maybe that can help Leta?

Sorry this subject raises my ire to new heights of umm... ireness.

Here's my encouragement for you: the big fat middle finger to all those parents that think you should do for your child as they do for theirs.

Granted, my wife and I will discuss/rate/shake our heads at other peoples parenting styles all day long (who doesn't?) but, we will never, I repeat never, make those comments to the parents or anyone else. Why? Because those are not our kids.

Unless we are intimately involved with those children 24/7 how could we begin to know what's best for that child?

The day isn't long enough to worry about someone else's kids. If you have that much time you need another hobby like piranha testing or something. I know, go sign up for Jackass III.

Heather (and Jon), you are doing what you feel is best for your child as is your right and, yea verily, your duty.

You go girl (and boy)!

Ocean Spray does a fabulous Cranberry Apple juice - I bet Leta would drink it with wild abandon.

Hi Heather,

I sympathize with your situation. I have to agree with many of the comments here, that you are making the right choice to wait until Leta is ready to be potty trained. You know your child best.

I used to work for a preschool for four years, and I saw my fair share of bathroom politics. We even had one child, at the age of 4, decide to poop on the playground, even though he was fully pottytrained. I still volunteer in a kindergarten classroom, and my experience has been that the reward and encouragement method works best. Maybe try getting Leta a kid-sized potty that she can sit on next to you while you do your business. Perhaps you and Jon can visibly reward each other with M&M's or licorice each time you do your business. She will see that it is painless and fun, and results in (gasp) her favorite treat.

Just some thoughts. Ultimately, you will know what is best and what will work. Best of luck.

I love your site and it always makes me laugh.

Hilary M

I will solve this case. I am Lalla CC CSI. First let me say your house is much nicer than my Jolie's house. I would be happy to live in your house. But I love my Jolie, so I will not leave her. But your house is prettier. Mr. Pud could visit Catherine's house. He likes to poop and pee everywhere when he is a guest. That would make Catherine's house more cozy like she likes. Catherine is implying that your house is sterile. Now she hears about Leta, she will think that your life is sterile and you make Leta hold onto poo with your sterile life. But this is her sterile mind hard at work. She has no imagination. She is dead inside. Lalla CC says pay attention to Catherine only long enough to mock her. I will solve Leta's case. You mock Catherine.

I think it's completely insane that people send you emails like that. Eff that. Only you know what's best for your baby!

The 444 people in front of me probably said the same thing, but I will tell you that you are 100% right. I tried to potty train my daughter at 2ish because I was getting pressure from everyone. It didn't work, so I dropped it. The day after her 3rd birthday, she potty trained herself (with a little help from white lies) and NEVER had an accident. Our daughter loved McDonald's playland so our doctor told us to tell her that there was now a sign up that said, "NO DIAPERS ALLOWED." She went home, sat on the potty and that was that.

Someone once told me that by the time they go to Kindergarten, they all go on the pot, so what's the big deal?

The woman that emailed that to you in a first class ass.

Just a quick note to say how sorry I am that Leta (and you and Jon) have been suffering with the toileting. I won't bore you with my story because it was different but suffice to say that we had a nightmare of a time with our now 7 year old son. NIGHTMARE. Our pediatrician finally threw up her hands and referred us to a child psychologist. She didn't have any magic answers but she was WONDERFUL and helped us turn the corner. We probably only saw her about 5 times or so but it made a huge difference. In other words she helped us too---knowing that we weren't doing anything wrong---just had a particularly stubborn and sensitive kid---took a weight off us. So, if that's a possibility I highly recommend it (although I know my health insurance is probably better than yours....).

I've never commented before but this struck a chord because I know the frustration and pain it can cause. Hang in there.

I've been reading your site for awhile now, but haven't commented. From what I've read, I've often thought that - if I do have children - I hope I can be a mother in the way you seem to be. Leta is very lucky to have you and your husband as parents.

I was a couple years older than Leta when I became sick with a medical condition that went undiagnosed for some time. My parents were told by countless people that they were doing the wrong things, that they were coddling me. It was through my parents persistence that I finally did get diagnosed, and twenty years later, the one thing that I can really remember about that time period is how much my parents did for me. You're doing the right thing, no matter what anyone may tell you.

I'm sure people have said this in the above comments, but it seems as though people usually insult others when they are feeling low about themselves. Catherine is the one with the problem, not you. I hope she can learn to deal with whatever is bothering her instead of trying to upset others.

Hey Zookins, my fave is Cran-raspberry! ;)

Like some of the other commenters here I am also not a parent, so I cannot give advice on Leta's situation (bless all your hearts) but I can say the following:

I will never, for the life of me, understand people who go out of their way and expend extra effort* to say and do mean things. To attack your home (which is lovely) and the way your raise your daughter (also lovely) is staggeringly rude and pointless and unhelpful. The only excuse for that sort of behavior is that the person is an asshole.

I skimmed the other comments and saw lots of encouragement, support, and good advice for Leta's condition and a lot of love for your family in general. This reminds me that for every Catherine, there are at least 400 nice people.

*Or worse, it is effortless.

I had the same problem as a child. My parents did lots of positive rewards like fancy underpants in an attempt to get me to think of the potty as a positive, each of which failed miserably and made me dig my feet in even more. They finally decided that I would work through it, which I did. But they did enlist the help of a child psychologist who really helped THEM cope with it more than me. Like another commenter said about figuring out that pooping on the potty was better than in your pants a light bulb apparently went on in my head and I realized that the pain wasn't always there. I hate mommy drive-bys and I wish you didn't have to deal with them. Good luck and only you guys know how to parent Leta. And I think that she is a testament that you both are doing a REALLY really good job. Hang in there!

That is a terrible set of stories, from that ghastly email all the way through poor Leta's bladder infection. I wish I had more words of wisdom. I do know that it felt like my son, at 3, was the last child in the world not potty-trained. He was a spite-pee-er. The more we tried to convince him to use the potty, the more he ran into closets and peed all over them. He is stubborn in a way that sounds a lot like your Leta. When I finally came to my senses and decided that closet pees were not good for any of us and put him back in diapers, he decided within weeks that he wanted to use the potty. Now, at 3 and some change, he is totally potty trained except for the night stretch. In other words, I think you're absolutely right to let her lead you. Madness awaits if you try to force her.

I don't have any helpful suggestions but want to say that I sympathize with you and Jon and Leta and I hope that the entire situation improves in time.

You sound like you're doing a wonderful job to me.

I love your site, it makes me laugh consistently. Thanks.

Heather,

A) Your house is beautiful. And clean. Which is far more than I can say about my house at the moment.

B) My nephew is almost 4. He is not yet potty trained. My sister is trying SO HARD. But what she do? The kid is too busy to use the toilet. He refuses to be potty trained and it is not even a painful experience for him, just an inconvenience. I am so sorry about Leta's situation.

C) My mother, a retired OBGYN, says that statistically speaking, the majority of death or injury to a child due to child abuse occurs during potty training. I hope that the woman who wrote that email to you is not as evil as she sounds. Because she sounds like the kind of mother that would smack you if you just got a little on the side of the seat. I also hope, that if she is that offended by your site, THAT SHE WILL STOP READING IT. What is wrong with these people?

Heather,
I find it remarkable how people think they are an example to everyone else. Even when - as in the case of the unfortunate Catherine - they are obviously not as exemplary as they consider themselves. Surely she is reading your website, and I hope she reads each and every unpleasant thing people had to say about her. Maybe some of them will make her think back.
I feel for you and Jon and Leta, and even though I don't have any useful advice (no children of my own yet), I can see that many of the things said above might help. In any case, I hope you guys find your own unique way of coping and getting through this. You are all adorable. I wish we were related.

Oh, Heather. I am so, so sorry that you all are going through this. We get the potty training comments a lot also, mostly from my MOTHER. Anyway, my niece had similar problems to Leta's and they gave her mineral oil. I don't know if that has been discussed, as I did not take the time to read all 463 comments before writing this. Or if you are looking for advice at all. I'm sure you've tried everything you know to do, so maybe you've already done that. I hope it gets better soon. I firmly believe that you know what is best for your child, even more so than your doctor at times. I hope those hurtful and unfounded comments do not discourage you from continuing to share your home and your family with us. You have a beautiful house and daughter and you write so eloquently about it all.

Catherine is a freak. Her poor children are likely freaks or will be made freaks. You and Jon are not freaks (except perhaps in the best possible way) and your child(ren) will not be freaks. Why can't people shut up about what they know nothing about?? WHY? Just because she reads your blog does she think she knows everything about you? Puhlease. I'm so sorry you guys are going through this, and I hope it passes quickly.

And for the record? I envy your house because it looks nicely "done" without looking overly "done." Who doesn't have better things to do than write obnoxious emails like that. Go watch some TV or something, CATHERINE.

My 3 yr old girl had a UTI last year. The best way to make her go potty was to put her in a warm bath. She peed in the tub. One other piece of advice: your doctor may recommend a horrible procedure to determine if Leta has some-sort-of-reflux-thing in her bladder. I'd advise you to wait until she has at least one more UTI before agreeing to that. The procedure is HORRIBLE. It involves anesthesia, more catheters, x-rays, and an ultrasound. If she never gets another UTI, you need not put yourself through all of that.

-JP

Heather, you are a wonderful mother.

I sent this to you in an email, but I'm posting it as a comment as well.

My little girl will be 3 in May, and she's been potty trained for a while now. She did it all on her own, because she was ready. You are doing the right thing, waiting for Leta's cues as to when she's ready, and you should not feel pressured by this idiot woman who thinks she knows everything. She's obviously feeling guilty for having to leave her precious potty trained child and her infant at home while she goes off to work every day, and unfortunately she took it out on you.

Your house? It's magnificent. Nice and homey, cute, and when I look at it I think of the Pottery Barn catalog.

I'm writing you because my little girl has constipation problems as well. We've just started another treatment involving a dosage of mineral oil every night which will last for the next two months. We're praying it works. I never EVER want to watch my child go through the pain and agony of trying to pass rock-hard stool again. It's absolutely heart-wrenching. She's been traumatized, and every time she has to poop she squeezes it in, fearing that it will rip her apart all over again. Mothers who have children that can poop normally don't understand it what it's like. And a UTI? I've had plenty, and I would never wish one on anyone.

Anyways, good luck with everything and thanks for sharing.

Heather,

You are doing the right thing with Leta. Not that you need me to tell you, but you are doing great!

That woman's letter was the meanest thing I have read in a long time. I thought your house looked great, and i loved your posts about cleaning up as I had also just bought the Shabby Chic buckets from Target just before you wrote your post! They are in my daughters' closet holding Barbies, princesses, and stuffed animals, among other things.

Do not force the potty issue, and don't worry about it right now. I made my son start using the potty at 2 1/2 years, and it took us SIX months to train him! My daughter was easy, but that was all her, not me. At 2 1/2 she was trained in two days - two accidents in two days! I just started to try to train my third, she'll be three in March. She isn't thrilled with it and we had to stop due to illness. I figure we'll start again in a month or two if she seems ready again. Seriously, some kids aren't ready at three. And it sounds like with Leta you have some extra issues that most of us don't have to deal with.

It will happen. You won't be sending her to kindergarten in diapers. Leta's lucky to have such an understanding mom.

-Heather

Oh I feel sorry for Catherine's children. What a person...
I don't have any helpful potty-training tips, but I wanted you to know that I saved the link to your nursery entry because I loved it so much! I've been desperately trying to find those Shabby Chic bins now 'cause they fit right in with my future nursery aesthetic too (alas I don't think they're carried anymore...). Beautiful, subtle, vintage, unique & personal!!!!

My nephew has this problem. And the advice I'm about to give you is the complete truth. You may place upon it every male stereotype you wish...but it worked...thanks to my mother.

She gave him a magazine.

And to this day (3 years later) he still reads while on the poddy. It can be anything. Books, magazines, pamphlets...anything. Haven't had a problem since. Good luck. We feel your pain.

Annie

Oh, Heather, what a terrible experience! We went through the same catheter experience with Munchkin but when she was only six months old. Oh, it was horrifying.

Munchkin is almost five now and, for a while, I thought she would NEVER potty train. She was doing great on her own until one of her teachers at her very exclusive little private school decided she wasn't “getting” it fast enough. She teased Munchkin, threw away dirty clothes IN FRONT of Munchkin and made a point of pointing out Munchkin's "dirty little accidents" to me in front of her peers and other parents. Needless to say this traumatized Munchkin, and enraged me to the point that I forced the school to fire the teacher.

What we learned following that incident was just to leave her alone. We went through the holding it phase and finally, like one parent said above, her little body just figured it out and started doing it on her own. It took another two years, but she finally figured it out.

Munchkin is very strong-willed, too. It's a trait that will help her survive this rough world and I don't want to "break" her will (contrary to the advice of a lot of parenting know-it-all types). It's one of the reasons I identify with your parenting saga.

And, one final note: in response to that horrible woman who sent you that asinine letter - pooh pooh on her. She's probably lying anyway. Keep your chin up - lots of us think you are doing a great job. You just hang in there. Leta looks like a very happy and healthy little girl who is very lucky to have a mommy that loves her as much as you do.

Quite a mountain of comments here, I can't imagine I'll be saying anything new... but it's ALL about the child and when they're ready. If you DO wait for that, then it's nearly effortless, because when they make the decision for themselves (with support from you, of course) that they're done with diapers, then they'll be done. Why, why, why have them do something they don't want to do at an age when they're not ready? It's unkind and unecessary. You're a great parent Heather, keep on keepin' on.

Scott

I said the oppposite: I loved the way your house looked clean and uncluttered!

My 2.5 year old is not liking the potty either, and when I ask him where we go potty, he says, "The Carpet!". You aren't alone in the stubborn potty-user.Good luck on that end (no pun intended)!

I am sure you are using your mother instincts and doing everything right. One thing, though, as a child, I suffered many UTIs, and because I "held it" so long at times, I did do some damage to one kidney. Thankfully, we humans only need one good kidney, so I'm literally unaffected day to day, but lots of cranberry juice, cranberry supplements, and water may help keep the bacteria at bay for little Leta.

I would like to point out that this self-righteous wench works "every day" and that means that SOMEONE ELSE has potty trained her child. She's not nearly as brilliant as she thinks she is.

I've been lurking here reading your journal for the past couple of months, but this horrible e-mail you received and your entry in response made me need to sign in.

What an absolutely horrible thing that you & Jon & Leta have to go through. I think along with so many of the commenters, that you ARE doing the best you can and so is Leta. People who are making snap judgements on your life need to look in their own mirrors and try to find some compassion. I'm so glad about the outpouring of response that you've gotten. Hang in there.

Heather,
You and Jon are doing great and so is Leta. My daughter, who is now 6, went through the same constipation battles. My brother who has a 4 year old is now battling the same thing with her. It does pass with time and that is really the only encouragement that I can give. Don't rush things like potty training, all of my kids trained at different times in their lives. Right now, the only thing you can do is be patient and loving. She'll finally discover that it doesn't always hurt to go and that maybe that thing in the bathroom is a better idea than a diaper, but these are things she'll need to figure out on her own. Good luck and just know in your hearts that you're doing great!

I am fascinated by mothers who use potty training as a yardstick for good parenting. As if potty training a child at the age of 2 makes you a candidate for mother of the year. Please. I guess the downside to writing one of the funniest, most award-winning blogs on internet is the venom spewed back by people stuck in miserable jobs living unrewarding lives.
Here's a quick potty training tip that worked for me (and my daughter wasn't out of diapers until 3.5, so screw you Catherine.) You may have already heard this one, but I couldn't read all 4,000 comments.
Create a "potty chart". Every time Leta pees on the potty she gets a sticker, poops and it's three. When you get to 10 stickers, take her to Target to pick out a treat. Worked like a charm for us.
Hang in there Heather.

The last I checked, not many kids start school in diapers......I'm sorry someone decided they knew how to raise your child better than you.

My niece had the exact problems as Leta, they tried the laxatives, etc, etc. Honestly, we didnt think that kid would ever be toilet trained. But when everyone around her just relaxed and left her alone, she kind of just did it on her own. Mind you, going #2 on the potty involved being hugged until done (um....not so much fun). She is 5 now and no problems at all.

I think the worst thing you could do is try and push her into it when she isn't ready. Hats off to you for being a great mum.

Dude, these letter-writing people are horrible!
My sister was 3 and still not potty trained (or even interested in anything that went on in, near or around a toilet) and people definitely commented. My mother said "winter's coming, and let me tell you, the first time she pisses in her corduroys, she'll be interested in the toilet." It pretty much worked. She's 22 now and not haunted by any potty training/staying too long in a diaper memories and uses the bathroom just fine, even when intoxicated, so you just hang in there with Leta, it'll all work out fine because in reading your blog for the past couple of years, you and Jon seem like great parents.

Hi.. I'm new to your site, actually, I'm mexican.
I don't have any kids, but I've had my share of stupid, opinionated people trying to butt in.
You defended your point very, very well, although you did not have to do it.
Trying to explain yourself to people is the last thing you should do when you get comments like those (and there I go... telling you what to do or not, lol)
My point is, you don't have to. Every one of us who writes a blog does it for different reasons, and I've read enough about you to know that you don't do it for acceptance or praise.
Seriously, I admire you and your husband for coping with your little girl's problems.
Don't let those things hurt you. They don't know you.
You've got enough comments already, but I just thought if you ever read mine, it could help a little bit too.

I wish I had good advice for you, but from the comments I managed to read, (no time for all of them, how DO you get through all of them?) you are getting some that may help. I didn't have much problem training my son, but we kinda let him lead the way.

I am so terribly sorry that you have to go through so much with Leta. She is a beautiful child, and you and Jon are wonderful parents. Hopefully things will all get worked out soon and life can go on, maybe normally.

And to hell with conceited, judgmental broads like Catherine. Why does she care what YOUR house looks like unless she wishes hers was more like it.

Best of luck.

Unfortunately, I don't have kids of my own yet, so I can't judge you. Or does that mean that I can judge you even more? I forget now.

But, being a kid myself at one time, I had some serious poopal issues. Freud would have had a field day with me. After I was potty trained, the only time I would go #2 was in my underwear standing behind our entertainment center. Figure that one out. Then when I got constipated once when I was 7 or 8, I decided that I just wasn't going to go #2 anymore, ever. It didn't work so well, but I held it in for a very unhealthy amount of time, to the point where I could barely stand up. I don't think my insides ever forgave me entirely. But the moral of the story is: I think it's fairly typical for kids (adults?) to have strange reactions to bodily functions, especially if a problem arises. I'm sure Leta will move past this stage and be just fine. Now if we could just do something about that house of yours...

Wow, I hope the person who emailed that little note feels like an ass now for passing judgement on something she has no freaking clue about, on account of that's what she is...an ass.

Also, can I ask, who takes pictures of their total mess house and posts them online? The answer is nobody, people often clean up when they're going to post pictures of their homes on the internets.

I'd love to read this person's website wherein she shares the deep dark secrets of the soul that lets the rest of us realize "Hey, maybe I'm not alone in this thing called parenting". Oh wait, I wouldn't want to read her website...on account of her being an ass.

How many fifteen year olds do you know who aren't potty trained? (I hope the answer is none.) She will do it when she's ready. Most likely when she gets around other kids in school who are potty trained. Everyone is different.

And tell super mom who sent you the email to STFU. Sounds to me like she's screwing her own kids up just fine; she doesn't need to move on to other people's children.

I have been reading this site since before Leta was born, which seems ridiculous even to me at this point. I just want to remind you that there was a time that you thought Leta might be autistic because she wasn't walking or talking at the right time, and look at her now. The fact that she continues to force the time constraints of "normal development" out of sheer hardheadedness shouldn't surprise anyone, especially the mother she inherited that trait from. You never know, you might be raising the person who can't see the point of modern politics and revolutionizes the world after being elected president. Or a 40-year-old virgin who will make your parents proud. Either way, she has certainly been unique since the moment of her birth, and would you and Jon have it any other way?

Heather,
I know your pain. I am the mother of 2, and 8yr old daughter and 3yr old son. My 8yr old was a dream baby. Slept through the night at two weeks, ate like a champ, and was potty trained by her second birthday. Then came Jack. The Omen. I think it is true what many people say about having a second child. If I had birth-ed him first, there wouldn't have been a second. We have gone through the same potty training nightmares. Actually, I found comfort in reading so many comments from people who have gone through the same thing. I am a firm believer that you know when your own child is ready for the next 'milestone'. Recently, Jack has finally started going poop on the potty, after many nights of going in his diaper while asleep. I don't think that being potty trained by any specific date will change the course of her life! You and Jon are doing all the right things! You are in my thoughts!

Oh my gosh ... I was Leta.

When I was little I was not only horribly constipated, but also had a benign, yet painful condition called a periurethral cyst which caused bleeding and a horrible slicing pain when peeing.

My constipation was so bad as a child that the prescription enemas did NOT work and I used to frequent the hospital for a strap-you-down-to-the-bed enema. Both the bottle and the nosel were huge and I remember the pain during and the pain going.

My husband and I don't yet have kids -- we do have a dog who dines on magnets and a cat who regularly tries to kill us; I don't believe this bodes well for our parenting skills -- so I can't offer you any sort of practical advice. What I can say is that having been that little girl, feeling that total loss of control and terror, what really would have helped would have been my mother's whispered reassurances during the process, lots of hugs and hearing her stories to know that I'm not alone and that it happens to everybody.

Some just worse than others.

I adopted my brother's child who came to live with me when he was just 6 weeks. At age 2 he had to have open heart surgery. I have never felt so bad as when he had to have tubes removed and put in etc. And I totally agree whatever is going to make it so they are not in pain is what I would do. I hope it gets better soon.

PS He is three now and doing great

Thank God for Catherine! Her superior parenting is single handedly saving the world! What ever would the world do without nasty, snotty, better-than-you people who apparently not only have enough time on their hands to fanatically clean while decorating with style and flair, commute to work, and potty train their perfect children, but also have enough time to search out people to criticize?

God DAMN am I tired of competitive parenting. Catherine...Shut.the.fuck.UP! I'm not just saying this as a Dooce fan, I am saying it on behalf of every person you have ever met that has secretly thought this. Because we just don't give a rat's ass how perfect you are. And you know what? Chances are, you're not, and it's just that your monumental self-righteousness prevents you from seeing it. Or you're just so insecure about some other secret fault that you're overcompensating, thinking that your CEO parenting skills will make up for it.

Also? Last time I checked, there were no trophies for potty training.

Heather - not that you need to concern yourself with other people's viewpoints or opinions or helpful suggestions - because you don't - but just add me to the list of people assuring you that it is no big deal for a 3 year old to have not completed potty training. Leta's problems are more than a handful, but even without them, it's still normal at this age. At least, from what I've read. My kid is only 15 months, so I have no experience with the matter. But, as I'm sure other people have assured you, the average age for toilet training has gotten older, especially with superior diapers that won't let a kid feel wet.

And another thing - big damn deal to Catherine for working and potty training her kid - especially considering that someone else does it for her while she's at work.

And one last thing - my sympathy to Leta for her poop and pee trauma. Poor kid!

Have you ever wished for someone that gravity would cease to affect that person and they would be flung off the Earth into the cosmos? That's generally my feeling for those who give unsolicited, ignorant parenting advice.

You'd think that people would learn not to pick a fight with someone with a large public forum? It's like calling a radio show and starting something with the DJ - they control the equipment, they control the sound, and they can (and will) make you look foolish 90% of the time if you piss them off.

Dear Catherine,

Eat shit and die.

Sincerely,

The Dooce Army

My daughter (who is now almost 6) had a UTI at a young age and we had to have her pee while being xray'd to check for something. The doc who prescribed it said they'd give her a valium at the hospital where the procedure was performed, the hospital refused and said that was not standard. So, they had to do a catheter and it was HORRIBLE, like your story suggests, except I had to do it without my husband to help. A year after the experience, my daughter would see people at the grocery store and tell me they looked like the scary nurse that hurt her pee pee. It was very traumatic. I was and am livid with the hospital and the dumb doctor and I told them both so, albeit very politely. We've moved past it (3 years later) and it's not an issue now, but at the time of the experience my daughter was potty trained and it didn't take much to get back to it. If it's still a problem for your lovely Leta, you might consider a behavioral therapist who can help her. Not because anything is wrong with Leta; but because it might make the next 3 years of your life, and Leta's, easier.

First, that room looked like it was cleaned by someone who loves their child and wanted her to have a clean place to live. What a weird thing to do, trying to make you feel like shit for cleaning you daughter's room.

The trouble you are having with Leta's bodily functions and potty training is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. But doing everything you can to make her comfortable and not adding more stress by trying to force her to go on the potty is exactly the right thing.

My daughter had to have blood drawn multiple times in her first year. On one occasion, after one nurse spent 5 minutes poking holes in her while she screamed like she was being eviscerated, I calmly grabbed the nurse by the shoulders, lifted him off his feet and walked him out the door where I left him. And then I ordered the senior nurse to take the blood.

It was all I could do to not to rip his arm from the socket and beat him to death. There is nothing more maddening than when your child is in pain or hurt and you can do nothing about it, you can't just make it better instantly.

You're doing the right thing.

This is not unusual...AT ALL.

My daughter couldn't move to the "big house" at day care (like the name of it is an INCENTIVE?!?!?) until she was potty-trained, though the law said she had to be moved when she was three years old. The magic birthday came, and we tried in vain to train her to poop in the potty. She held it and held it and held it, until it had been a week. We ended up having to put a suppository in her behind, which was terribly unpleasant. It worked, but you would have thought the world was coming to an end.

Of course, the idea that something might "go up her butt" again terrified her. Once, in WalMart - we had gotten angry b/c she wouldn't quit putzing around, grabbing at toys. Fear overcame her, and she blurted out, "Please don't stick that thing in my butt again!"

It's tough - but you have the luxury of staying at home with her. If it takes longer, it's okay...she'll be ready when she's ready. Hang in there!

We have pictures of our daughter's third birthday showing that she was still in diapers. She's 20 now and fully potty trained. Don't worry, it will happen. After reading about Leta, you probably have to pretend it's no big deal and she'll do it on her own. And your house is warm and beautiful.

P.S. I feel sorry for that woman's kids.

Heather, I have no idea why people are that downright mean and rude to you, and even less idea why they feel so entitled to be so incredibly judgemental. It makes me cringe to know we are of the same species, albeit clearly at different levels on the evolutionary scale. There are only a handful of ways to say: ignore them, they're petty, jealous trolls. But it's the only plausible reason for the behavior, and even it, as a reason, taxes the gray matter.

You owe them - or us - nothing, collectively. They, on the other hand, and again collectively, owe you an apology.

Heather,

Being a great mother is simply not possible in other people's eyes (strangers, I mean). You are a great mother to Leta. I know this by simply reading your newsletters each month. There is no doubt in my mind that you would do anything possible to make her life better. The pooping issue will resolve itself. Either it is a medical condition that can be treated or she will eventually not be so fearful of going (at least that is my hope for all of you).

We are still giving our almost 4 yr old son "Prunny Juice." Hang in there; it does get better.

Now, about Catherine... How about you share her email with us? Oh, c'mon. Don't you think she'd love to hear from your 500+ posse? ;)

I'm so sorry that Leta is having such problems. If it helps at all my youngest is the same age (2/27/04) and she is just starting to show any interest in the potty and she hasn't had any issues at all, other than she is a stubborn girl who will only go if it's her idea. The women who sent that post really needs to get a life, how wonderful to have so much time that you can potty train your child by 2, work, clean house and send unecessary emails. Maybe she should just play with her children! Leta's potty problems will resolve themselves on her own timeline.

Her room looked wonderful. You *start* with a room that clean and in 5 minutes it's destroyed again.

Your email correspondent is a troll.

My eldest learned to pee on the potty easily but could not be persuaded to poop on the potty for about 9 months afterwards. She also could not be persuaded to wear anything but panties during the day. So where did she poop?

In her panties, of course. Every time. Once or twice a day, for 9 months.

Some people thought it was dreadful that I was "letting" her poo in her panties. Oh well. There's just no use in pushing potty-training. Leta will learn when she's ready.

i am so tired of how women compete with each other! do we have to bring our children into it, too? aren't we just teaching them divisiveness rather than sisterhood? i am young and perhaps idealistic, and don't have children yet, but my first girlfriend to have a baby just gave birth, and i am fearful that her new community of young mothers will be competitive and judgmental...hopefully there will be plenty of supportive women in the bunch. what will it take for women to stop being afraid of one another?

Heather and Jon, you have my utmost respect. It is hell to see your child in pain and psychologically crippled by something I know you feel - against all rational reason - is your fault. I've been there, with so many things! It is just the mindf*ck of being a parent.

I can imagine, too, your abject fear, given Heather's history, that Leta will have messed up bowel functioning. My little sister had encopresis that didn't resolve until she became a teenager. I think that my parent's inability to deal with it really messed my poor sister up.

When my son, who had started potty training well after 3, was doing so well with peeing, he started withholding his poops. At first it was just until his nightly diaper. Within a few weeks it started spreading out by days until he was going a week between movements. All the while, he was day trained - never had any accidents. Until one day he had three poop-splosions after a week of withholding and completely reversed any progress he'd made.

It has taken three months to get back to day training and only now is he settling into a less fearful poop every 3 days schedule. His movements are huge (he'll have no problems if he ever turns out to be gay!) and solid, but at three days, they are manageable for him.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for a quick fix.

I would suggest looking into getting Leta to choose herself a silly potty to set up in front of the TV for her Barney watching sessions and maybe work with Jon to figure out your favourite "bribing"/training technique (we did two kinds of stickers - one set for sitting and one for peeing - and now, since pooping has been an issue and the sticker phase is long over, he gets a Matchbox truck for each BM).

I suggest this because you may find Leta responding to a big change and a big distraction in her toilet habits right on the heel of her recent trauma. It may be the thing that shows her that peeing is ok and can even be fun.

I wish you the best of luck.

You're amazing. I don't know if I could handle it. When I was a baby, my parents had to strap me in a carseat to keep me still for an hour after every meal or I would puke everything up. And when I wasn't puking, I was crying non-stop for the first two months of my life. It's a miracle I didn't end up on someone's front porch with a sign, "please take care of this screaming, barfing baby!" But we got through it, my parents got through it, and I'm greatful for their love.

we should all help come up with a lil' poo ditty for Leta to learn and sing! Annie would be excellently good at that (I can't explain why, but I know) - ask her!

Some people just suck. As a former kindergarten teacher with no kids of my own, I can tell you none of my students ever showed up not able to use the toilet. They may have needed help with the logistics, but they could do it. I also spent six summers working as a preschool teacher potty training other people's kids, and I just know how her kids will turn out - poor things. As someone else already mentioned, I really hope she comes back to your site and sees how much support you have. Of course, she'll probably just assume that she's right and the 500+ of us are wrong.

Your home is beautiful - it always looks like such a comfy, warm, and loving place (hard to accomplish with kids and pets!).

Leta's story put a huge lump in my throat. I'm so sorry you all had to experience these things. Best wishes and good luck to you all.

Dooce,

Catherine is a narcissist. What would the world be without them?

So sorry to hear of Leta's troubles. I hope the issues resolve very quickly for your family. You are great parents, that is evident for anyone who truly reads your website.

I think you have a lovely home, full of personal style.

I think the lovely Catherine must be green with envy; I know I am. Would that I could work from your beautiful home every day and that "work" meant doing all my favorite things: writing and making beautiful web 'n photo confections. Love my job but don't love my two hour commute. Enjoy what you have!

I tried to comment last night and i couldn't.

First, your pictures inspired both my husband and me to clean and organize.

second, Awwwwww. Leta just breaks my heart. That's so sad.

I think kids have issues with pooping and peeing. My own son was shocked, SHOCKED!, to hear that his teachers at school and godparents poo-poo in the potty. Pooping and peeing is really weird to them, especially as they learn they can control it.

I have no advice except to nonjudgmentally follow Leta's lead.

hugs

You know what? Catherine is right...your house does look like a page in a catalog... a very beautiful, expensive catalog... a catalog with clean lines, and classic accessories. God, I would hate to live in a place that looked so bright and airy...that it would feel like coming home to a vacation every day. We all know how much that sucks.

And poor Leta! I can't imagine what it must be like for her to have a mom who waits for HER to be ready to do something. A mom who doesn't impose her own will or force her to do things that make her unhappy. A mom who is cool, and down to earth with no signs of having a stick up her butt. Having a mom like that must really suck! Don't even get me started on her horrendously bright and beautiful room!

Confidential to Catherine: There is a label for your affliction..it's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD for short). Look it up... you'll be amazed by the new mirror you'll find yourself looking into....that is of course if you can pull yourself away from the old one long enough.

Been reading for over a year, but this is the first time I've left a comment as parents judging other parenys really plays on my nerves. As a 16 year old, I don't have much experience in the field of child rearing, but I will say is that every child is different. Potty training before 2 might be right for some children, but 3 or later is right for another. And secondly, almost nobody goes to college in diapers so as of yet, you have no reason to worry.

Apart from, of course, the problems Leta is currently having. I remember having both chronic problems with urinary infections and constipation and it is one of the least pleasant things I can think of. Sending big hugs for her across the Atlantic and hoping that she feels better about going potty soon!

Lastly, as far as I know, from watching shows such as Nanny 911 (hehe) a more plain room is perfect for a child, because it offers less distrections at night time! And I personally think your home looks amazing, especially the little touches such as the photographs.

I have never posted a comment to a blog before, but I felt your pain so deeply reading the story about Leta's UTI. My baby had a UTI at 4 weeks (she has bladder reflux) and when they had to catheterize her in the ED, I almost passed out. The experience of seeing your child in pain scars us all so deeply, but it's important to remember that (even at the age of almost 3) Leta will probably never remember any of this. I think it's wonderful that you are showing her such kindness and compassion. You seem like a very wise mother - it's hard not to get sucked into the pressure to keep your kid at the head of the bell curve, especially when you're so used to overachieving your whole life. You're a great mom, Heather, anyone can see that by reading your blog.

Dear Catherine would be the one to ask why I still wipe my 9 yo son's ass. Some people didn't evolve and have no ability to THINK or consider that perhaps not everyone subscribes to their way of life as the only way. Or that perhaps my son has cerebral palsy or that you have great taste in decor, are a neat person, and that Leta is a perfectly normal child who is having a problem. I hate judgmental asses.

Hope Leta feels better soon.

I think you and Leta are amazing. I mean you have to admire Leta's will! I sure like all things with kids she'll get over it and will be up for potty training when she’s ready. My daughter is 2 and we really haven't even brought it up because she doesn't show any interest in the potty. We've been told by many who have gone through it, you have to wait until the child is ready otherwise it is a futile effort.

On the UTI front my daughter had one when she was 6 months old. And they did catheter as well. It is the most horrible thing to go through with your child. We were in the hospital for 4 days while they gave her IV antibiotics. They couldn't get the IV in, and they struggled on both of her arms. It was terrible. Now my daughter is petrified of the ER. We have made a few trips since the UTI. As soon as she gets to the room she freaks out.

Anyway, finally I don't think your house was ultra sterile; it looked great and Leta's room was adorable. It actually motivated me to organize my daughter's room. I can't believe how awful some other mothers can be.

long time reader, first time caller. :)

listen... give her time. my daughter was 2 weeks past her third birthday when she started potty training. and believe me i heard it from everyone. but, i refused to force anything. i filled a drawer in her bedroom with panties and told her when she wanted to start using her big girl potty she could wear her panties in the drawer. we kept the potty in the living room and never said anything else. 4 months later she came out of her bedroom with a pair of panties and said "mommy i want to wear panties". i told her if she wore panties then she had to go potty and poopy in the potty. each time she went i gave her skittle as a prize. i found skittles to be a small treat that she would want more of but, could only get when she went on the potty. i felt since they were small i wouldn't feel bad for giving her like 20 of them a day. i kept them in a little jar on the computer desk and when she went we would go over and pick one or two out. we had 2 accidents. once she peed her pants and once she pooped in them. once she felt what that felt like she never did it again. she still wears pull ups at night. she will continue that until she gets up for 2 weeks straight with dry diapers.

not sure what laxative you are using. i assume it is miralax. the great thing about miralax is that it does not touch the blood stream or absorb in the body in any way. so, she could take it everyday for the rest of her life and it would never hurt her. we used miralax with our daughter since she was an infant. our ped. said no baby should EVER have anything but very soft poop. whenever Maddy's poop seemed to be less "soft" we used the miralax.

heather, don't listen to people. she is your child and it is no ones business. unless she is going to be involved in a preschool or dance class that require she be potty trained you can give her as much time as she needs. she is a smart girl she is not going to go to kindergarten in diapers!

God, people and their presumed right to pass judgement. Feel like being hateful? Call a friend and the two of you can sit around and judge all you want, but feeling it necessary ( I never remember how to spell that word) to actually sit down and pen a note to you about it just blows me away. And yes, I AM being judgemental about Catherine (blech) because she started it :Þ

Anyway, my daughter is now 23, so it has been many moons since the potty training thing and she never had any of the issues that your poor, sweet baby is having to endure. What we did was put the potty chair in the living room, left her without diapers or underwear (or pants for that matter) and just let her have at it when ever she damn well felt like it. And she felt like it-a lot. After all the whooping and hollering and hand clapping after she did her business the first time she thought that was pretty damn cool.

I feel for ya, girl. And Catherine? STFU

Hey Dooce,

I think Catherine sucks. I'm generally very understanding of people and their opinions, but this really just is NONE of her business. It's obvious after your post that Leta is having a hard time with this. But, as I said before - it's really none of Catherine's bee's wax... You know your child better than anyone, ya know?

Good for Catherine that her children had an easy time with potty training... Good for her that she goes to work everyday. I'm glad she took the time to write such a piece of $hit email to you - apparently she is as busy as she says. At least she's not judgmental.

Anyway, just wanted to say that when I was a child I had a hard time with potty training. Obviously, I don't really remember it, but it's just not that simple for everyone. I would suggest maybe trying to demystify poop... There's got to be something she really hates about it. Maybe she really hates stinky things, or doesn't like the way it looks - or maybe it just freaks her out that something like that exits her body?

You've mentioned before that she has no interest in your dog, Chuck. But an animal can be a powerful tool to teach children life lessons. If she can realate through and animal, Elmo or something else she's fond of - and see that "they poop and it's OK" maybe it would help? Just a suggestion...

Dooce - this is my first time posting, although I am a long time reader of your site and love it. My son is a little younger than Leta, and I find myself going through his phases and realizing that I've read about the same situations here! (He loves Elmo - or Elbo as he is known in our house.) I had to post because I just don't understand why us mothers are so judgemental of each other. I suffered from regular UTIs as a kid and for quite a while I had issues with going to the bathroom; however, I can attest to the fact that kids grow out of it - I did! Just keep following YOUR instincts about YOUR daughter - as Leta gets older and her interaction with other children increases, she'll see that everyone does it and begin to figure it out when she is ready.

Also, your house is beautiful - and your New Year's cleaning resolution inspired me as well. My mantle is much more organized and attractive - largely based on how nice and clean yours is!

I've been reading your site for a while, and have never commented, but OOH, I feel so bad for Leta, I've had terrible UTI's myself, so I definitely feel her pain.

The few things that have helped me through it are:
-drinking lots of water. I mean lots. So that she won't be able to refuse her body's desire to pee. The bacteria like to live in strong urine, so lots of water helps to flush them out.

-unsweetened cranberry juice as a preventative measure. it tastes VERY VERY tart. I generally cut it with something a little sweeter, but not as sweet as regular--ocean spray--juice. the bacteria like the sugar. So this helps to make an environment that they hate. It might be a fight to get her to drink it, but maybe if all of you drink it together...I don't know.
They also make cranberry pills. I've never taken them, but I hear they help too. You can find the juice in a good natural foods supermarket.

Best of luck to you in this saga.

Wow. I have no clue. My daughter was also stubborn about defecating (she took one whiff and would have none of THAT ever coming out of her again). But the urge to go finally overtook her (that and the castor oil I gave her) so we overcame this in a short time.

Personally, I would do exactly what you are doing, asking for advice. For every Catherine there is that is so advanced in her thinking that she can tell you what do with no information at hand there are those folks who have actually dealt with real problems and might offer genuine solutions that may work for you.

Many hugs, I am confident you will find an answer!

I hope that Catherine reads this and feels like a royal horses ass. Because she should. What sort of snooty stuck up mother would write something like that? Her kids will grow up to loathe that personality trait in their mother if she keeps it up.

Heather, I cannot begin to imagine how hard this is for you and Jon. The only words of encouragement are the only ones that are truly true: you WILL get through this, and be able to tease Leta about it in her teenage years. In front of potential boyfriends. :)

Don't sweat potty training. We have twin girls, nearly three years old. One of them decided 8 months ago she was ready. The other one? She said she'd much rather have diapers until she graduates college, thank you very much.

Every time we try and "potty train" (whatever the hell that means) our diapered-one, she typically will pee, then run to the potty. Or just stare at you and pee. Because she's like that. No amount of "how cool is it that your sister gets to wear those Elmo underpants?" will ever make her change her mind.

So take heart: Leta will do it when she's ready. And if my experience is any guide, you only frustrate and annoy yourself if you make a 3 year-old do something they aren't ready to do.

Seriously, screw people that give parenting advice. Nobody knows how to parent - we're all making it up as we go along. There are no rules, there are no time limits, there are no schedules.

Keep up the good work.

well i bet catherine feels like an ass now, probably not though. i have no children of my own yet, but i enjoy reading your blog, gives me something to look forward too.
having suffered through many uti's or bladder infections in my younger days, i cannot image how hard it would be to watch this happen to your own small child, who isn't anywhere near being able to understand what is happening. i hope she never has to go through that again. i wouldn't even wish that on my boyfriends' ex-girlfriend. the one that still refuses to acknowledge me, three years later.
i also wanted to say that having desended from the clan of the packrat, i admire how you keep your home and hope to break my own families' sick cycle and keep mine neat and clean. i don't find it sterile, i find it clean and tidy.
thanks for making me laugh.

I'm sorry but I have nothing that could help or encourage you. I have no experience in any of this. None.

What I do have is a pregnant finace. (I'm not really suppose to be telling people this yet, but hey, this'll be lost in the million comments.) Believe it or not, this and your other trials with Leta have encouraged me. Strange no? You've helped me realize that the love for one's child can be unimaginably strong. Strong enough to allow one to carry on in the face of enemas and catheters, in the face of killing depression and all that that entails.

The glimpses you've allow into your life has helped me realize that, despite never envisioning myself as a father, I love my credit card sized child-to-be fiercely.

Thank you.

And anyone that presumes to be able to live your life better than you can isn't worth even the mildest curse. They are nothing and should be treated as such.

All the best to you and yours.

You get a gold star if you even get through the comments far enough to read this one! I could only get through about 200 ... ha!

My BFF is having this same problem with her almost-3 girl. Her doctor told her to coat a q-tip liberally with vaseline, insert it about 1/2 an inch and swirl it around her anus to stimulate all the clenched little muscles holding in the poop. The first time she did it, her baby gave a big sigh and pooped out almost 2lbs. It was a PILE.

A little weird, but perhaps worth a try. More gentle than an enema, anyway.

Good luck.

I'd first like to address the child who has died comment. Obviously, "Catherine" has never had a child die because when your child dies, you do not clean and organize their room, you leave it intact. (Been there, I have that medal of honor.)

Second, don't worry about Leta. She'll get it when she is ready, my 3 year old son just got it. My boss' daughter was 5 when she got it.

It'll happen when it happens.

I don't know if you'll get to this since I'm the 594th to comment but I have two daughters and I didn't even start PT until they were three. One had weird pooping problems that I won't get into and the other I could just tell wasn't ready. Don't worry about it. They've only been on this earth 3 years so give them a break. They'll learn soon enough. From experience I can tell you there is nothing worse than trying to PT a child who isn't ready. The rage is not worth it.